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ALL SCENES ARE SET IN WILSON LIBRARY STUDY ROOM UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED WALLACE AND LAURA WALLACE Do you know why you're here? WALLACE AND CONNIE WALLACE Do you know why we called you in? WALLACE AND JULIAN WALLACE Do you have any idea what you're being investigated for? WALLACE AND PETER (AND JULIAN) WALLACE Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you're in? JULIAN Huh?! Do ya?! WALLACE AND JIM WALLACE (pointing) I know what you did! JIM sniffles and stares blankly at WALLACE. He then sniffles again. WALLACE (overly-caring) you need a tissue? JIM No, no, I'll be fine, I carry a handkerchief. JIM takes out a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes his nose and proceeds to wipe other parts of his face. WALLACE is disgusted.

2. JIM So what is it that I did that you know? WALLACE (recovering from disgust) You happened to be spending a lot of time in the PG section this past week. WALLACE slides a sheet of paper upside-down across the table. JIM picks it up. JIM Yeah. That's me. But I can explain. WALLACE Oh, I'm sure you can. JIM slides the paper back across the table. WALLACE No. Please. Keep it. JIM slides it back to himself. JIM (slowly) You see I had an assignment. This was in my intermediate fiction writing class, Ms. Miller, 3401, but the code changes to 3415 in the Spring. The assignment was to write an essay, about four and half pages, double spaced, one inch margins, front and back, preferably Times New Roman font, but Ms. Miller can be persuaded to accept something a little nicer--century gothic perhaps. WALLACE (out of frustration) What were doing in PG?! JIM (hurt)

3. I was telling you. WALLACE No you weren't, you were delaying. JIM What? WALLACE Buying time. JIM For what? WALLACE Fillibustering. Now listen, what was your assignment, and why did you steal the King James' Bible? JIM The what? WALLACE Say 'what' again. JIM What'd I do with a King James Bible? WALLACE Ah. Yes, yes, yes, 'what'd you do with a King James Bible?' What was your assignment about Jim? What did Ms. Miller say you should do? JIM Find Biblical references in Rilke's Sonnets. WALLACE A-ha! JIM But that doesn't mean anything. WALLACE

4. It means everything. You were looking to steal the King James' Bible and you found the perfect cover with this assignment. For all we know, Miller could be in on the whole thing. A den of thieves over there in the English Department. JIM Why would I need a Bible? WALLACE Are you joking? JIM No. WALLACE Biblical references? JIM Yes, but if I wanted to look for references to the Iliad in the Aeniad, I wouldn't need an Iliad, I'd need a book on references to the Iliad in the Aeniad. I was looking for a book on Biblical References, not a Bible. WALLACE AND LAURA LAURA enters and takes a seat. WALLACE (from off camera) Laura. Do you know why you're here? LAURA takes a moment, her eyes well up with tears, her face turns into a grimace. WALLACE Goddamn it. WALLACE AND CONNIE CONNIE enters and takes a seat. WALLACE

5. (from off camera) Do you know why we called you in? CONNIE Because I have stolen books and show no sign of remorse or behavioral alteration. WALLACE That--that's exactly why. Wow. CONNIE What'd you do to the girl before? WALLACE AND LAURA LAURA is overflowing with tears. WALLACE AND CONNIE WALLACE A King James' Bible. And this time we've got you. CONNIE You've got nothing. WALLACE That's what you'd like to think, huh? CONNIE That's what I know. WALLACE What were you doing looking for Bibles this past week? CONNIE Looking for God. To save me from my evil ways. WALLACE It might be a little too late for that. CONNIE

6. Look, I've been in this situation before, and I know your tactics and they have all worked exactly zero times on me so far. Why don't you just spill the beans? Maybe I can even help you. WALLACE Help me? (intensely) You're my enemy. CONNIE And that (intensely) is what makes me your friend. Both relax into their seats. WALLACE We had an exhibition last month. Had an actual copy of the first version of the King James Bible, used by the royal family, of all people. Worth twenty thousand dollars. CONNIE I'm excited to hear how this goes. WALLACE The dehumidifier in the vault was being repaired, so we needed some other storage place. Andersen would've been perfect, but transferring it over there would've exposed it too much weather. It was just too risky. But the regular stacks were just right--so we left it in the PG section, next to some Doestoevsky. We could've sworn it would be alright. CONNIE This library must have the stupidest staff. WALLACE

7. We weren't trained for this! And don't blame the staff. They had nothing to do with it. CONNIE (gleefully curious) Who made the call? WALLACE AND LAURA WALLACE and LAURA are both crying. WALLACE (in between sobs) It's all my fault! It's all my fault! LAURA (in between sobs) It's not your fault! WALLACE AND CONNIE CONNIE Looks to me like you have an expert on your hands. WALLACE And she might be sitting right across from me. CONNIE I wasn't anywhere near the Doestoevskies. Go ahead, check your cameras. The one above QR and PN should prove my innocence. WALLACE Ah. But yet here we are. CONNIE Yea, why am I here then? WALLACE What were you doing in the Bible section? CONNIE

8. I already told you. Looking for God. WALLACE AND JULIAN JULIAN hurriedly takes a seat. WALLACE Julian. Do you have any idea what you're being investigated for? JULIAN Thinking! Thinking, thinking, thinking. For the very fact that neurons interact between my synapses, Ms. Wallace--that is the basis of my persecution. WALLACE We think you stole a book. JULIAN (calming down) The persecution can take many forms. WALLACE Of course--wait, how'd you know my name? JULIAN Your name tag. WALLACE I'm not wearing a name tag. JULIAN Aren't we all? A quick search of the University personnel databases and I knew who it was that I would be meeting here, and from that I could find out who you *are.* Now doesn't that make you a little afraid? WALLACE

9. Why--why yes it does. Just a little. JULIAN Just a little? WALLACE Just a little. JULIAN Ah. See we have been taught not to fear, not to react to these blatant invasions of our personal lives, that is why it bothers you 'just a little.' But let me ask you this, Ms. Wallace: When was the last time you had a Moonstar Pancake Surprise? WALLACE (shocked) What--How could you know that? JULIAN grins. WALLACE Only my grammy knows how to make that. JULIAN Ah. So there is no way I could've found out, right? WALLACE How did you? JULIAN And do you ever miss you 4th grade hamster, Napoleon? WALLACE How--how-JULIAN You see, Ms. Wallace, that is the condition we find ourselves in. (MORE)

10. JULIAN (CONT'D) Every orifice of our privacy examined by this behemoth of information that is the epitome of the 'modern world.' WALLACE is momentarily lost for words. WALLACE (exasperated) Did you steal the book? JULIAN No, Ms. Wallace. I have no desire to steal from an institution that provides the same information for free. WALLACE But you spent quite a while in the Bible section last Tuesday. JULIAN Ah, yes, I admit, I had grown a curiosity for the foundations of the Catholic church, which, in essence, laid the foundations for our contemporary infocracy. But that passed after a matter of hours. WALLACE Huh. JULIAN This investigation, I must help you. I must find out how it is that I was chosen for interrogation. It will help me understand. I insist. WALLACE looks hesitant. JULIAN I can be of much help. WALLACE AND PETER (AND JULIAN)

11. PETER walks in and calmly takes a seat. JULIAN has taken a seat next to WALLACE. WALLACE Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you're in? JULIAN Huh?! Do ya?! PETER I don't really know. WALLACE We know it's you. JULIAN Ohoho, we know. PETER What do you know? JULIAN Everything! WALLACE We know that you took the King James Bible. JULIAN You! PETER The what? JULIAN (to WALLACE) Boss, let me roughen him up a bit. WALLACE (to JULIAN) No, sit down. PETER I didn't take any Bible. I was looking for one, for a paper due in my Roman history class--which, by (MORE)

12. peter (CONT'D) the way, I have to finish right after this--(chuckles) but I chose an easier topic. It only had to be two pages. WALLACE A-ha! So you were looking through the Bibles? PETER Yeah, for my paper. JULIAN (over the top, pointing) We will cut your face! WALLACE Julian. JULIAN (calmly, to WALLACE) Yeah? WALLACE (to JULIAN) Go. JULIAN (to WALLACE, hurt) What? WALLACE (to JULIAN) Just go. JULIAN (to WALLACE) But I-WALLACE (to JULIAN) Leave. JULIAN (moping) Okay.

13. JULIAN gets up reluctantly and walks over to the door slowly. At the door, he turns around with sad puppy eyes. WALLACE resolutely shakes her head no. JULIAN leaves. PETER I was in the Bible section. WALLACE (frustrated) Goddamn it! PETER What's wrong? WALLACE You were the last person on the list, too! I've got nothing. PETER So all those people out there-they're suspects? WALLACE Yeah. PETER What happened? WALLACE We're missing a book. PETER Aren't fines usually the way to go about those? WALLACE (exasperated) No, no. Not this one. A twenty thousand dollar fine and we don't know who to give it to. PETER What was a twenty-thousand dollar book doing in the stacks? WALLACE I don't know.

14. PETER And in the bible section, too. Couldn't you guys hid it in a room or something? Or a vault? WALLACE Well, we did put in another section, not the Bible one. PETER Huh. That's better, I guess. WALLACE Yeah, we're not idiots. PETER No. Not all. Wait a minute. A bible? WALLACE Yea. PETER What kind? WALLACE A King James Bible. PETER It's a special one, right? WALLACE It's a first edition. Belonged to the royal family. PETER Whoa. WALLACE What? PETER Two minutes. Just give me two minutes. I'll leave my wallet here. (places his wallet on the table) I promise I'll be right back.

15. PETER gets up and leaves the room quickly. WALLACE doesn't know quite what to do. WALLACE waits. The door creaks open and JULIAN pokes his head in, puppy-dog expression still on his face. WALLACE gives another stern shake of the head. JULIAN bows his head and withdraws from the door. WALLACE waits. PETER hurries back in through the door, holding a sheet of paper. PETER I was on Craigslist last week, looking for a part time job. PETER hands WALLACE a sheet of paper with the Craigslist logo clearly visible. PETER I think you should look at this. WALLACE (reading from paper) 'One night only. Wanna make some quick cash? Could be as easy as checking out a book.' PETER Look at the location. WALLACE Jesus. PETER They knew it was here. I don't know if it's someone on the inside or someone who's been watching you guys closely, but I'm almost sure this has something to do with the bible. WALLACE How can I be sure? PETER

16. All those people out there. Were they all looking for bibles last Tuesday? WALLACE Yes. PETER You're sure? WALLACE Yes, I'm sure. PETER Then look at the email on the ad. There's not enough info for any one of them to pull it off without some communication. Look at their x500s and check their emails. It's a longshot, but I think it might work. WALLACE is speechless. PETER And I know I'm suspect. My inbox is your inbox. WALLACE Thank you. PETER My pleasure. PETER gets up and leaves. WALLACE AND ALL (EXCEPT PETER) WALLACE leans against the table as ALL stand against the wall, line-up style. LAURA cries softly. WALLACE You almost got away with it. But the person that did this, and I know who did it, has lost their edge. They slipped up. And that truth is in their inbox, which (MORE)

17. wallace (CONT'D) we're looking at now. So! This is the perfect time to 'fess up. We'll go lenient on you, I promise. At least more lenient than the police-WALLACE'S phone rings. WALLACE (on phone) Yea? ... What? ... Goddamn it! ... Yeah, okay ... Yeah, thanks. WALLACE hangs up. WALLACE (to ALL) You're free to go. LAURA Oh, thank you! JIM Wait, so they didn't find anything? WALLACE No, no, nothing. CONNIE Why were you looking in our emails? WALLACE We got a tip. CONNIE From the last guy? WALLACE Yeah. CONNIE Did you check him? WALLACE Yeah, he was clean. JULIAN

18. What was the tip? WALLACE Some stupid ad on craigslist. JULIAN What kind of ad? WALLACE hands JULIAN the ad sheet. JIM, LAURA, and CONNIE gather around JULIAN. INT. OUTSIDE INTERROGATION ROOM PETER (from inside the room) I promise, I'll be right back. PETER walks out, closing the door behind him. He walks past JULIAN. JULIAN tries to scare him but PETER just walks past with a smile. [Tracking shot] PETER walks over to a computer. JULIAN (voiceover) Ms. Wallace? WALLACE (voiceover) What? JULIAN (voiceover) Look at the date. PETER finishes typing at the computer and [tracking] walks over to the printer and prints out paper. CONNIE (voiceover) This went on Craigslist fifteen minutes ago. PETER walks the paper back to the interrogation room and enters. INT. INSIDE INTERROGATION ROOM WALLACE and ALL stand, looking at the paper.

19. JIM Do you think? EXT. WEST BANK PLAZA. NIGHT PETER walks away. WALLACE (voice over) Yea. He got us. FIN