You are on page 1of 14

i didn't want to break up with you, i want to be yours. fuck.

just put my hands over my forehead and sobbed a few times, felt stupid. feel overwhelmingly stupid. feel far away from most people. feel like you won't have anything to say to this email, or responding to it will just be another thing on your to do list. or maybe even if you do respond to it it won't mean anything because you told me a lot of things that i don't feel anymore. have thought about dying a lot thinking about you and dying feeling overwhelmingly insignificant and/or doomed to being eternally fucked i miss smelling your hair

this email doesn't matter because i will still look at your name in my chat bar and think things i want to say about how sad i am but i won't because i'd rather talk to you than alienate you i'm an idiot or a savant or something. i'm good at things that i don't feel like doing. if black holes are just dumps taken by a higher power then i am a black hole. feel a weird sense of satisfaction that kimberly didn't reply to me on facebook when i talked to her about fucking you, think something like 'glad she can hurt people and not deal with the consequences' just thought about talking to her that night after the reading when everyone was asleep, just thought about how gorgeous your jawline looked when you were kissing her and how it was misty outside when i walked past you two to the backyard and how cold that was on my skin. and how i threw up in your bathroom and how you curled into a ball on your bed and said 'fuck' over and over and how i cried. i put a lot into you a lot i want you back with a vengeance, or something. don't think that makes sense but i want you back with a conviction, exactly.

i am still so in love with you. i miss making you laugh and hearing you play guitar. you aren't bad. you're good.