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There is little success where there is little laughter. ~Andrew Carnegie Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg. ~Author Unknown
What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
1 This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse‐like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...." 2 Q. What do you get when Godzilla steps on your house? A. Mushrooms. 3 What is a baby bee ‐ A little humbug
4 Did you hear about the man who lived in a tyre? He had a puncture so now he lives in a flat! 5 A man is goes to his doctor because he is not feeling well. The doctor determines his condition is very serious and tells the man he does not have long to live. The man asks how much longer he has and the doctor replies "10, 9, 8, 7, ..." 6 Did you hear about the cowboy who got caught shoplifting? He got two yeehars!! 7 As a teacher I was trying to get my students to understand what a "pun" was. I gave them 10 examples but was not successful. They could not understand any of them. You might say that no pun in ten did! 8 A pig farmer is having trouble getting his pigs to breed. So, he asks a friend what he thinks is wrong. The friend tells him that this happened to him once, and that the pigs don't know how to breed. His friend says that when it happened to him, he had to show each pig what it was supposed to do. Well, the pig farmer feels pretty stupid about this, but decides to give it a try. But in order to avoid anyone seeing this, he piles the pigs up in the truck and drives them to a hidden part of the farm, way in the back. He "teaches" of all the pigs, which exhausts him and then hauls them back to the pen. The next morning he asks his wife to check if the pigs are breeding, she tell him they aren't. Wearily, he goes out and "teaches" them all over again. The next morning he asks his wife if they are breeding yet and she says "No". Frustrated and exhausted, he asks, "Well, what are they doing?!?!" To which his wife replies, "Sitting in the truck, honking the horn." 9 What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOON!!!!!!!!!! 10 A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he went to the kitchen to raid the fridge. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. In a panic, she shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctors office, the man lifts his wifeÌs coat to show their predicament. The man asked, `Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?` `Well, yes.` the doctor replied. `But never framed.` 11 A flash flood swept over an area, stranding a man in his house. As the water rose, a rescue team came by in a boat. "Get in," the rescuers said. "We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The rains continued and soon the man was forced up onto his roof to avoid drowning. Soon, another boat came by. "Sir, please get in," the rescuers in this boat said. "The waters are rising. We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man again. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The boat left, and soon the man was barely able to keep his head above the water. The water became rougher and a helicopter was dispatched to save the man. "We'll lower a rope. Get in the copter!" yelled the rescuers from above. "The water shows no sign of abating. You're sure to drown!" Once again, the man refused. "I have faith in the Lord," he said calmly. "He will
save me." Eventually, the man did, in fact, drown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Lord and approached him. "What happened?" asked the man. I had faith that you would save me from drowning. Why didn't you?" "Hey," replied the Lord. "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" 12 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 13 A flash flood swept over an area, stranding a man in his house. As the water rose, a rescue team came by in a boat. "Get in," the rescuers said. "We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The rains continued and soon the man was forced up onto his roof to avoid drowning. Soon, another boat came by. "Sir, please get in," the rescuers in this boat said. "The waters are rising. We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man again. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The boat left, and soon the man was barely able to keep his head above the water. The water became rougher and a helicopter was dispatched to save the man. "We'll lower a rope. Get in the copter!" yelled the rescuers from above. "The water shows no sign of abating. You're sure to drown!" Once again, the man refused. "I have faith in the Lord," he said calmly. "He will save me." Eventually, the man did, in fact, drown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Lord and approached him. "What happened?" asked the man. I had faith that you would save me from drowning. Why didn't you?" "Hey," replied the Lord. "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" 14 Q. What is Big, Red & eats Rocks? A. A big red rock eater! 15 If a wheel falls off a bus while traveling down a river, how long will it take to shingle a dog house? None, because there's no bones in cottage cheese! 16 Matt: I got a set of golf clubs for my wife. Ben: Nice trade. 17 Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says: "I've realized that my wife is an angel." "Mine isn't human, either", said the second. 18 Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! "Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second. She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and hisses even more loudly! "What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second. So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FREAKIN' HOOD!!" 19 Question: What is a honeymooner's sandwich? Answer: Lettuce alone! 20 What's a Grecian Urn? About 50 Drachma a day 21 Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree. A: Because it was dead! Q: Why did the Kookaburra fall out of the tree A: Because it was hit by a falling dead Koala Q: Why do Kangaroo's jump A: To miss all the dead Koala's. 22 Q: What can you tell when your drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? A: The stage is level. 23 A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball goes. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
goes to the woman and says: "Damn it. "Right!" He says. "Damn. face down under a cow? Answer: A PAT ON THE BACK! 28 How did the elephant get on the tree? Sat on an acorn and waited for it to grow. I hate it when you do that.When is a vet busiest? A. 36 Q.The voice says. "I'll have the shiny red one.. and it can take years. . How did the elephant get off the tree? Sat on a leaf and waited till Autumn. He steps into the fray and calls out in a commanding voice: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Shamefaced.Because her Daddy was a mummy! 32 Q : How many psychanalysts are needed to change a light bulb ? A : One is enough. A left ear. A. 34 Q. and spends an hour looking around and deliberating.What's the difference between a rainstorm and a lion with a toothace.When its raining cats and dogs! 35 Q) What is the difference between illegal and unlawful? A) One is against the law and the other is a sick bird." 27 What do you get if you lie. but the radiator is staying where it is". and the mob starts again with the frenzied stoning. a woman shrieks. 29 Whats a canibles favourite game? Swallow my leader! 30 if a fly and a flee pass each other what time is it? Fly past flee! 31 Q. a right ear. 33 A drummer gets fed up with all the comments denying he's a real musician. the crowd stops and begins to slink away. and the accordion thing over there". Mom.. and so he decides to learn some new instruments. "You can but the fire extinguisher.Why was the Egtptian girl worried? A. but the bulb must want to change.One pours with rain and the other roars with pain. Christ. after an age.. He visits his local Music shop. chagrined." 24 How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three.. "I'll do you a deal" ays the Music Shop Manager. and a wild front ear. 28 Where does Kylie get her keebabs from? . Suddenly. "Stone her!".Jasons Donervan! 26 Jesus Christ walks up to an angry mob that is stoning a harlot.
Which Budgie owns the cage? The one on the bottom perch. replied the other. . 45 Three budgies in a cage. one on the top perch. but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. 43 Why do Marxists like fruit infusions? Because all proper tea is theft! 44 What was born to succeed? A budgie with a blunt beak. 42 Q. 41 Q: What's the difference between a shoping trolley and a University vice chancellor? A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can. "Does your dog bite"... 39 What kind of murderer has fiber? A cereal killer. 50 what do you call a fly with no wings? a walk. 51 What do you call a teacher with no arms. 40 A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. no legs. "Thats not my dog". then she is old enough to get a straight answer. the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off. 54 An 8‐year‐old girl went to her dad. "Daddy. and no body? The Head. one on the middle and one on the bottom perch. the other two are on higher perches. what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question. She asked him. you kick it in the ice hole. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea. 52 Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? A: You should never press your luck! 53 What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs. but it's only the shopping trolley that has a mind of its own. who was working in the yard.37 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 38 What kind of pig can you ignore at a party? A wild bore. How do you catch a polar bear? A. One man says to the other.
the other one said "I was going to say that!" 64 What did the landlord say as he threw Shakespeare out of his pub? "You're Bard!" 65 A three legged dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West. the barman asks him what he wants. It comes down to the last frame. . 67 An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he's seen his missing electron. I've got one 'ere. "Here ‐ are you that piece of string that was here ten minutes ago?" asks the barman ‐ "No" replies the string "I'm a frayed knot" 59 there are these two sausages sizzling in a frying pan. One said "moo". Van Gogh! Want a drink?" and Van Gogh replies. the one turns to the other and says "gees. "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied. when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "Does this taste funny to you?" 58 A piece of straight. twisted. it's hot in here" and the second one turns around and goes "AAAAH!. a talking sausage". covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds‐and‐thousands? The police said that he had ?topped? himself. 60 Q ‐ what did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A ‐ Nothing. The barman serves the drink. He calls over. The dog replies "I'm looking fo the man that shot my paw" 66 Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. 56 What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. "No thanks. "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs. 61 A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine. Ten minutes later a dirty. When he finished explaining. clean string goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. One clown says to the other. "That's two hits." says the other owl. 57 Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. ragged piece of string walks into the bar. the string downs it and walks out. "Two hits to who?" says the first. he was found dead in his ice‐cream van. "Hey.He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'." 62 There were two cows in a field. One of the owls is just about to play his shot. it just gave a little wine. The father asked her." 55 Did you hear about the ice‐cream man.
78 Q. 80 A grad student. Doctor : "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient : "Is it common ?" Doctor : "It's not unusual 69 Two aerials met on a roof. "You're next." The mushroom says "why not I'm a fun guy" 76 What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? "Close the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?" 77 PATIENT. "I want to be in Hawaii. "Hey we don't serve your kind here. relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.."Are you sure she's missing". The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. The Genie says... a post‐doc.Doctor . "I want to be in the Bahamas.Next please. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. fell in love and got married. driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless. The bartender says to the mushroom. 70 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog ! 71 What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A Wonky 72 What?s brown and sticky? A stick 73 A horse walks in to a bar. (this is definitely a joke for science‐minded people only) 68 Patient : "Doctor I keep hearing "The green.. and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. 79 ‐ How long did Cain hate his brother? ‐? ‐ As long as he was able. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. green grass of home" in my head. "I'm positive". people keep ignoring me. "Me next! Me next!" says the post‐doc." Poof! He's gone." 75 A mushroom walks into a bar. replies the atom. DOCTOR." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. so I'll give each of you just one. ." the Genie says to the professor. asks the bartender." Poof! He's gone. "I usually only grant three wishes. The bartender says: "Why the long face?" 74 A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo..
and asks a customer." "And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire. he ." said the bartender." 84 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor. The polar bear hangs his head and sighs deeply and then sayss "I'll have a pint of bitter barman". it started as this growth on my foot. "No it's permanent" 83 A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. "I think I'll have a glass of blood." Is this a joke?" 94 A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor." 89 A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says. The barman looks at the bear and says "why the big paws?" 90 What does an agnostic." Replies the teller. On the third day the teller replies. Bartender asks the first one what he wants. "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch. "That sounds good. The doctor says "What can I do for you?" and the penguin says "well doc. and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!" On the next the penguin walks in and asks. don't do it then". and raises his arm. This same thing happens the next day. says the doctor. then. "Do you have any grapes?" "No. I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why. "That's two bloods and a blood light. The vet says "I'm sorry." Got any nails? "No. dyslexic." 93 An Englishman... 91 A termite walks into a cocktail lounge. I'm really worried about my brother. it hurts when I do this"." "Okay. "I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire." He replies.The professor says. "Is the bartender here?" 92 A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. "What tenpin". "Okay. and the vet says "because he is far too heavy. insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar. I'll have a glass of blood too. "Got any grapes!" The penguin asks! 82 "I got that job down the bowling alley". "Well. what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire." No. 86 Q: Did you hear about the Ice Cream Sales man that was found dead in his store covered in chocolate sauce and syrup? A: Police think he topped himself! 87 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 2 ‐ 1 to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools. 88 Three vampires are sitting at a bar." 81 A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller. the barman asks. "what would you like to drink?".
I only have to outrun you. I want that horse. When asked why. he decides to go upstairs. then jumps out the window to his death. and another to hold the fish. The bartender turns to the man and says. "You know.thinks he's a Hen!" The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?". The brain orders two pints from the barman but the barman refuses to serve him. one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. you're a real jerk when you're drunk. After checking in and seeing his room. we need the eggs!" 95 A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. walk a mile in their shoes. "I don't have to outrun the bear. "Why bother changing out of your boots? You can't outrun a bear. walk a mile in their shoes 100 Before you criticize someone. Then when you do criticize them. 96 A brain and a pair of jumpleads walks into a bar. a golfer on one of the greens stops. one to do it. The second hiker laughed and said. chugs his beer. but the man still wanted to buy it. 101 A man on a business trip is staying in a high‐rise hotel with a bar on the top floor. you'll be a mile away and have their shoes. The businessman orders a drink and then watches in surprise as the other patron quickly eats an orange. and your friend there looks as if he's about to start something" 97 The police arrested two men. and the guy says "Don't be stupid." The first hiker replied. 103 As a funeral train passes by a golf course. the breeder replied I told you that horse aint looking so good 99 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The breeder said that horse aint looking so good. too. When the man returns a third time. the barman replies " Well you're clearly out of your head. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. They charged one and let the other one off. you sold me a blind horse." Before you criticize someone." 102 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. the man returns. and jumps out the window. A minute later. The businessman is shocked to see him again eat an orange. 98 A man went to a horse breeder and said. chugs his beer. stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. chug his beer and then jump out the window. Superman. The next day he came back with the horse and said. There's only one other patron in the bar. the businessman decides he can do this. He eats an orange. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. Then he . so he did.
. Doctor says 'I can give you some cream for that'. ." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Doctor: "Pull yourself together man. when he hears a knock at the door. and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. Extra strong mint says to Mars Bar. "No. Dr ‐ I can't get this song out of my head and it's driving me mad. one is lying on a moose skin. sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient " Never heard of it" Doctor "Well it's not unusual . One is lying on a buffalo skin. "But they are identical twins. 107 A man is sat at home watching T. I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!'. And this proves . I can't stop humming "It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home" Doctor: "Hmm." 110 Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub. The first woman gives birth to a boy.." Years later. Mars bar turns around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. The man gets up and answers the door. The snail then say "what did you do that for then. . the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. If you've seen Juan. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. to show such respect for the dead. The man answers it and it is the snail again. 105 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick." 109 Patient: Dr. and is named "Amahl. 106 Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm. With that. Mars bar says. "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking him to the pictures". to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. The snail says "can i sell you some double glazing. `I might be hard." 108 Patient: "Doctor. you've seen Amahl." 104 A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption. Why do cows have bells A. she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "Well. The second gives birth to a girl. "Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?" he asks. `Hang on a minute." says friend. she was a good wife for sixteen years. Upon receiving the picture. Extra strong mint says. Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom." To which the man replies "no" and kicks him down the street. but he's menthal!' 111 Q. the squaw of the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides! 113 Guy walks into the doctor's with a strawberry growing out of his head. The first golfer sinks his putt and says. And the third gives birth to a boy and a girl.goes back to lining up his putt. One goes to a family in Egypt. Because there horns dont work 112 Three American Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. . Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen. `I'm the hardest mint in town me! No‐one's harder than me!'.V. Her husband responds.
" says the man "you have one in the window. Practice dog sniffs around‐‐no response from man's dog. "it's £50 for the vet." said the vet." To his relief. One is holding a Budgerigar. he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard. so vet brings in the practice labrador." the shopkeeper replies "i'm sorry. but your dog is dead". "What's your name?" The parrot says. "Moses." . The landlord put the drink on the bar and said 'We've got a whisky named after you'. A moment later the man with the Parrot lets go of his bird and takes a lame shot at it with the shotgun. Distraught man asks the vet for a second opinion‐‐ the vet brings in the practice cat. I couldn't even see the Indians. one turns to the other and says. when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance! 115 Q: What happens to Composers when they die. "Sorry." 118 I drunk driver is stop for heading the wrong way on a one‐way street. A: They decompose 116 2 atoms were talking. the receptionist gives him a bill for £1000. Reluctantly the man accepts his dog is dead. Vet says "sorry. The burglar asks the parrot. The police officer asked the driver didn't you see the arrows. "yes" replied the other "I'm positive!" 117 Two men jump out of a plane." "but. "but your dog is dead". "Breakfast Served Anytime" so. "I don't think much of this Budgiejumping" The other dying man turns to him and replies. the first atom said "are you sure?". "No. we don't sell wasps. a burglar hears someone say. Cat sniffs around‐‐ no response from dog. said the receptionist." 122 A white horse walked into a pub and ordered a lager. In their dying moments.114 A man goes to a diner. "Good grief. "What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies.what is this for? "Well. The drink responds. 120 what game do you play with a wombat? answer ‐ wom 121 a man walks into a shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp." The burglar goes on to ask. sir. 119 A man took his dog to the vet. On the menu it says. the other is holding a Parrot and a shot‐gun. "Arrows. 123 While robbing a home. "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus. i don't think much of this high altitude paratchuting!. Eric?'. £300 for the catscan and £600 for the lab report. On the way out. 1 atom said to the other "why are you crying?" the atom replied "I've lost an electron". "Jesus is watching you. As they fall away from the plane the man holding the budgie lets it go. They both hit the floor. please. Man insists on a third opinion. The horse replied 'what.
Where do you keep a baby ape? A." The man does so. 125 Where can you find a Mozambique. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief. "I'm done for". The man behind the counter says "I heard you the first time" 136 I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling. "No you are not. and do exactly as I say. On a mozam‐bird! 126 Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. Lean Beef 131 Kid "Mummy! Mummy! There is a man with a bill at the door" Mother "Dont be silly dear. and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief. 130 What do you call a cow in a paddock with only two right legs.. 127 A man gets knocked down by a truck. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: "You'll never get me up in one of those things !" 135 A man walks into a chip and asks for fish and chips twice please. "Listen carefully. A guy says to him are you comfortable.124 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. 129 Q. He says I make a living! 128 Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan." comes a booming voice from the heavens.. ." 134 Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots. it must be a duck with a hat on!" 132 Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk 133 A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. "Now. In an apricot. but the light bulb's got to want to change. "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. you are done for. what?" the man asks the heavens. "Now. the man cries in despair.
"No. The steaks are too high." The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son. they're complimentary'." 152 Doctor. Beethoven kill his two ducks? ‐ They wouldn't stop saying "Bach bach" all the time. T?s and H?s. ?That doesn?t spell ?water. "It's very good.." she says. But if you try and fail then you'll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. 195 AN ardvark walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face." Said the priest: "Hold on my son. He tells the barman about it who says 'Just ignore it. He phones her and she answers it. 144 A skeleton walks into a pub and says. "Pint of bitter and a mop. Then he hears little voices saying things like 'Oooh. ?It?s all the letters from H to O. I am worried. can you spell ?water? for me?? The teacher asked.137 Why is a tractor magic? Because it can go down a road and turn into a field! 138 ?Sally. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you'll get free drinks all night. it's the peanuts. I'll just have a pint thanks. Do you fancy having a go?" The man has a long. "but how did you know I was at the hairdressers?" 157 A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. 196 a worried man goes to see his priest. He asks the barman why they're there." 140 Close your eyes. "It's a competition. I think that my wife is trying to poison me. "Father.? said Sally.?? ?Sure it does. you look really nice' and 'That haircut really suits you'. 142 What is green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you? A snooker table 143 why don't polar bears eat penguines? because they can't get the wrappers off. I have .. H I J K L M N 0 answered Sally promptly Her teacher look puzzled. hard look at the ceiling before saying. She takes it out and he decides to test it out. I can?t pronounce my F?s.. Doctor. let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow.? 139 A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling.? ?Well you can?t say fairer than that then? 154 What did the bird say as it flew over ASDA? "Cheap Cheap" 155 For a laugh three french soldiers put mustard in their ears from then on they are called the three mustardears!!! 156 A blonde girl's husband buys her a mobile phone. then I shall be able to give you some advice. Dark isn't it? 141 Why did Ludwig v.
Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well". Because he was hit by three koalas. 198 A horse walks into a bar.my husband has black hair I will wera black dree. By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on. 206 What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? Pat 207 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? answer: he was dead 208 A pork Pie walks into a Pub and says 'Ill have a pint please'. I am 90!" The doctore responds.talked to your wife for nearly two hours. Because it was dead Q. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A. Why did the koala fall out of the tree? A. the bartender turns & asks the horse whats with the long face. when asked she tells the other two that her husband is bald so she would have to wear nothing to the party. an Australian and an American walk into a bar. first one says . second says my husband hair is grey and I will wear a grey dress and the third one gets worried and starts panicking. The barman asks them "is this a joke?" A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week 200 A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week. 199 An Englishman." So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a . 209 A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him. 202 What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.to which the landlord replies ‐ 'sorry we dont serve food'. said the vet. 201 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one ‐‐ but the light bulb really has to want to change. "Let's have a look at him. "Well. Q. Because he thought it was a game. Why did the little boy fall off his bike? A. that's it. "Is the bartender here?" 204 The doctor says to the patient. 203 Did you hear about the termite who walked into an all‐wooden bar and asked. Q. "But Doctor. then. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A. "You're in excellent health ‐ you'll live to be 90. "My dogs cross‐eyed. My advise to you is :Take the poison" 197 Q." 205 there are 3 wives who want to decide what to wear. Because it was holding on to the first koala." The patient replies.
you have been with me through all the bad times. The truck driver say. 211 A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. you were still by my side. "I'll give you some cash if you could take the penguins to the zoo for me. The truck driver stops and asks. "Does God use our bathroom?" Her mum replies. are you still in there!" 217 A man driving into town spots a truck broken down on the side of the road. because he's heavy. Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. She called the obituary department and said." "Just because he's cross‐eyed?" said the man. He stops to help." 213 A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad.good look at its eyes. When I got shot. 215 A neutron walks into a bar. you gave me support. 219 What do you get if you cross frosty the snowman with count dracula? Frostbite . "I did ." 214 Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven? Because seven ate nine.. The truck driver says he is on his way to deliver some penguins to the zoo. 210 George Howard. "No dear. where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well." 212 Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Later.. every morning daddy says 'Oh God. you were there to support me. but we got change so we're going to the movies!" 218 Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah‐Bah‐Shop. When we lost the house. you were by my side. the man famous for writing the Hokey Polky died last week. you must have gotten it from your mother. "My Sadie. They had a horrible time at the funeral parlor. You know what. son. "OK. a girl says to her mum. first they put his left leg in. When my health started failing. 'cause I still have mine. "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead. why do you ask?" The little girl says." Says the vet." said the vet. When my business failed. One night. away from the zoo. "Well. "I think you're bad luck. Then print: Bernie is dead. when the truck is fixed. "I'm going to have to put him down. walking with a row of pengiuns waddling behind him. "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words. you were there. "What are you doing? I gave you money to take the penguins to the zoo?" The man replies. He says." The woman answered. "No." The man at the newspaper said." The man agrees... and says "Give me a beer. Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently. yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. When I got fired." The bartender says "Hey! Neutron! For you ‐ no charge!" 216 One morning. "Well.the truck driver drives into townand spots the man close to the zoo. Toyota for sale.
jump out and run across the table. The sailor asks his mate. Clark walks back in the bar and the barkeep says "You know Superman you're really mean when your . 225 Two sailors are eating biscuits together.220 Did you hear about the two maggots who were fighting in dead Earnest? 221 What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A Head banger 222 were do computers go on hoilday ? the big apple 223 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. wondering if there really is a dog. 224 why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. one large and one small. Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a squirrel! 231 A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer and the barman says "I'm sorry we don't serve food" 232 What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Answer: Beethoven's Last Movement 233 Bob is sitting in a bar next to a guy named Clark. "I bet you I can jump of the roof and loat to the ground." 228 what did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! 229 Where would you find a tortoise with no legs ? Wherever you left it 230 Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game. One breaks a biscuit and two bugs." 226 Did you hear about the dyslexic. "Now." So clark jumps and floats to the ground. Clark gets his usual and drains it he then turns to Bob and says. So he jumps and SPLAT he hits the ground and dies. is it better to eat the big one or the small one?" The other replied.. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way.. 227 What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything. agnostic insomniac? He lies awake all night long. "The answer is simple: you must always choose the lesser of two weevils. So Bob orders what clark just had and tries to jump and float." Bob says "okay go for it.
245 Q: What is red and looks like a bucket? A: A Red bucket! Q: What is blue and looks like a bucket A: A Red bucket in disguise! 246 Q: What is gray? A: A melted penguin! 247 Q. 239 What do you call a man in a bush? Russell. 248 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey. 236 how do you get a pikachu onto a bus? you pokemon 237 Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate 238 What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. There is a man walking up the hill and a man walking down and a man in the toilet. It was a BARbeque. 240 A man walks into a bar and says‐ "ouch thats hot". You can't wash your hands in a buffalo. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. . What are there nationalitys? the man going up is Russin and the man going down is finishan and the man in the toilet is european. 241 Theres a toilet on a hill. 242 Q. 235 what do an eagle and a lion have in common? they both have wings.drunk!" Rimshot!! 234 Did you hear that they dug up Beethoven's body last week? They found him decomposing. To get to the other slide. except for the lion. 243 what do mexicans keep under the carpet? Underlay! Underlay! Underlay! 244 Newspaper Headline: Man who commits suicide twice is sentenced to life in prison. Why did the chicken cross the playground? A.
249 A man driving on a highway is pulled over by a police officer. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. said the man." There is a silence." says his senior. A few weeks later the man returns and the doctor eagerly asks the man if the specialist found out what was wrong.. the old priest suggests that they have a word. 'am i a brown bear. son.' baby polar bear asks its mum. in a calm soothing voice says. 'No way!what happened next?'" 255 Claire: Knock Knock Neil: Who's there? Claire: An interrupting cow Neil: An interrupt.!' 254 A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. Although the doctor examines tha man. "Very good. He discovered my finger was broken! . He says. son?' 'because i am so cold. or a sun bear?' 'no'. let's make sure he's dead. Yes. he can not diagnose the source of the pain and refers him to a specialist. then a shot is heard. "OK. He doesn't seem to be breathing.'I understand' and 'Yes. says mum. He gasps to the operator.. go ask your mother. I can help. "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator. "Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!" 250 Q: where is a cemetery located in any town? A: In the Dead center of it! 251 A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying. The doctor writes it down and asks if it gurts anywhere else. 'am i a grizzly bear?' 'no. too."The new priest tries this. now what?" 252 A man walks into a bar and says ouch!!! Get it? 253 baby polar bear asks its dad. After a few minutes of listening. "Well done. 'am i a black bear or a koala bear?' 'no. you're a polar bear. why do you ask. the man also touches his shin and thigh and screams out with pain. "Did you know your wife and children fell out of your car a kilometre back?"."he says.'" The ounger priest practises these sayings. Claire: MOO 256 Man goes to the doctor and complains that every time he touches his foot he feels excruciating pain. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911." says the older priest. A smile creeps onto the man's face and he exclaims. "Iv'e got a few suggestions. The officer asks. his eyes are rolled back in his head. The guy's voice comes back on the line. "now try saing things like 'I see'.. "Just take it easy. go on. First. To demonstrate. 'am i a black bear?' 'no' says dad. you're a polar bear.
267 What is the new pirate movie rated? Arrrrrrrrrrr. The young monk was away for some time and finally the abbot went to find him. Why did the anarchist monkey cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken. The man says: Thank you. He said to the teacher "no sir" "Well. "Do you serve crabs here?" the maitre d' responds "We serve anyone. Through his tears the monk blurted out "The word was celebrate!" 269 Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 263 A man walks into a restaurant and growls at the maitre d'. 270 If you never can make things work from the first try. 'Ello.He aske me what flower has a . The Abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the basement of the monastery to find and examine the original. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? No guts. What did the English policeman say when he came home and found his wife in bed with three men? A.257 What do you call an aarvark that has been beaten up? A vark. When he did he found himmin tears and asked him what was wrong. 260 Q. Is it pronounced Hawaii or Havaii? The woman replies Havaii." 264 In a 3rd grade class Jonny was asked if he knew what a canabil was. 271 I was getting forgetful so I went to the neighbors and aske the husband what is the name of your mental doctor that you have been braging about. The third guy ducks. 266 Two guys walk into a bar. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the 'possum it could be done. sir" 265 Did you hear about the rooster who stayed awake all night so that he could see where the sun went? It finally dawned on him. He turns to the lady next to him and asks: That island down there. 'Ello. The woman replies: You're velcome! 262 Why did the 'possum cross the road? To get half‐way across.s teacher asked him and Jonny said "An orphen. 'Ello! 261 Man is looking down from a plane as it flies over the Pacific Ocean. if you ate your parents what would you be?" Jonny. Have a seat sir. 258 What is the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he is a doctor! 259 Why did the whale jump out of the water? To get to the other side. skydiving is not for you. 268 The monks were busy in the monastery copying those beaytiful illuminated manuscripts that they used to do when one young monk suggested that since they were copying copies perhaps it might be timely to examine the original to make sure that their copies were correct.
I just saved $1.He said thank you. you see.long steam with thorns. "You want a medal for that?‐You should have chased a cab and saved yourself 15! 275 A duck walks into a pharmacy. "will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies. then glanced desperately at his friend and said: "In DNA". He asked his roommate. but I chased it all the way home‐ The wife replied. and the pig likes it. 282 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.I said a rose. 273 I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. "I'd like a chapstick. to look at his programm and tell him where the error is. The first fish says to the second fish: "How the hell do we drive this thing?" 277 Helicopters can't really fly ‐ they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. The computer guy looked through the code for some time. you should be so proud of me. who was a computer science major.hey Rose what is the name of my memory doctor." The pharmacist hands him the chapstick and asks. 274 A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife.thank you. 283 How can you tell the difference between a dead cat in the road or a dead lawyer in the road? The dead cat has tread marks. ." 276 There are two fish in a tank. 285 ‐ Can you swim? ‐ Some times. He says. 278 whats brown and sticky? a stick 279 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead.50 by not taking the bus. "just put it on my bill. 280 Did you hear about the maniac riding on the subways chopping peoples arms off? The police caught him and charged him with armed robbery! 281 A biology student had to write a computer program. there are basically three kinds of people in the world. ‐ What do you mean by "some times"? ‐ Only when I'm in the water. 284 Well. Those who can count and those that can't. "Honey. but he had troubles to make it work. 272 Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty.
. But this time.. but the reception was teriffic! 296 a guy takes his nasty dog for a walk every night and manages to beat up another dog every night. The psychologist takes one look at him and says..."as everyone knows". "I can clearly see you're nuts. I'll have to make you a new plate." said the dentist." "Out of chrome!" exclaimed the man. shakes him a couple of times.. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure."there's no plate like chrome for the . he used to be an alligater!!! 297 The man had gone to the dentist for his annual checkup. said the dentist.. My wife developed a new receipt for hollandise sauce that is just terrific and I have been putting it on almost everything that I eat. I have as a matter of fact. The man said. "I'm afraid that the acid in the lemon juice used in the hollandise sauce has started to corrode your dental plate.. he unleases his nasty dog saying "go get him boy"." 287 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.. "Why yes. one night while walking his dog he comes upon this guy walking a yellow dog. the owner of the nasty dog says wow! thats the first time in two years that my dog has lost a fight. 293 How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? You paint its toenails red! 294 What is read white and black all over? A used newspaper! 295 Did you hear about the two atennae that got married? The wedding wasn't very good. the yellow dog grabs him by the neck. flips him over and breakes his neck and the nasty dog is dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey... what kind of dog do you have? the other guy says " before i cut off his tail and painted him yellow. The dentist asked the man if he had been eating anything over the past few months that was not ordinarily in his diet. 290 whats a good parting gift? A comb 291 Knock knock Who's there? Dishwasher Dishwasher who? Dish wash er way i spoke until i got my false teeth 292 How do you make a hankichief dance? Put a little bogey in it.." "Well". "Because.. as he runs up to the yellow dog. I'll make it out of chrome. that was my half‐sister!" 289 Why does a golfer bring two pairs of pants when he plays golf? A Incase he gets a hole in one.286 A man walks into a psychiatrist's office dressed only in saran wrap. 288 First magician: "Who was that lady I sawed with you last night?" Second magician: "That was no lady. "Why would you do that?".
and with this done....hollandise" 298 Why dont English rugby players get vaccinated before touring? they never catch anything.. the Rope went out and then got an idea. the other disagrees." 310 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one.. What does he look like?" 312 There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.. . Why did the ram jump over the cliff? A....." was the reply.. The Bartender said." Dismayed and disappointed. sat on a stool..... The Bartender looked him over and said....... "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. "We don't serve Ropes here. 311 A penguin walks ito a bar and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?" the barman replies "I dunno... but the lightbulb's gonna want to change. 301 A length of Rope went into a bar.... The man obliged. 'Rabbit tracks I think' just before the train hit them! 307 Whats ET short for? Because he's got little legs! 308 a bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of lager and.. "Say.. One says 'Horse tracks!'...a packet of crisps please?" the barman says "Why the big pause" 309 Did you read about the midget clarivoyant who escaped from jail? The headline said "small medium at large. "I'm a frayed knot. 305 Why do bees hum ? Because they don't know the words 306 Two not so bright people walking along one day. He didn't see the ewe turn.. aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No.." 304 Q.. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells..... and ordered a beer. "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?".. He stopped a man and asked..... 299 Q:Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time? A:Because they only have one pair of trunks! How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? 300 Q:‐How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A:‐Fish. the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer......
a talking millipede. and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me.. "You look like you're wearing a tux." I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn. who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth. "Doctor.." thought the man. A coast‐guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days. 323 This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely. you just farted before my wife." 316 What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear. I can't stop singing the green green grass of home" "that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?" "It's not unusual. "OK." replies the doctor." The drunks replies. Doctor. 317 "Doc." 313 Why did the tomato turn red? She/He saw the salad dressing! 314 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear. . "We had to amputate your arms. you're two tents. and for lack of advance preparations." relax." 318 From The Times: 'A young girl. One night I dream I'm a tepee and the next night i dream that i am a wigwam. 315 A guy walks in to his psychiatrists office and says" Doc you got to help me. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet." 321 One penguin says to another." The doctor say's. took it home. "Who says I'm not?" 322 Why do elephants put catsup in their navels? Answer: So they can eat french fries while lying on their backs. was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. I can't feel my legs!" "I know.The wife is extremely embarrassed." So he bought a millipede."' 319 what has 2 legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat 320 A man wakes up in hospital." The second penguin replies.. made it a temporary home in a cardboard box. so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company."I'll give it a go.
narrowly missing the lawyer. The second guy said "the grass is green."No problem. my tie is pink and my pants are yellow"." 326 There were three guys. we've got a drink named after you!" The horse says." The third guy said "the phone goes 'green green'. He tried again.Craig David said "I'm walkin' away". The first one says.Shaggy and Britney Spears wre stuck in an elevator when they smelled something like rotten eggs. Eric?" 328 What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Answer: Ilene What do you call her if she's Japanese? Answer: Irene 329 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 330 A truckdriver saw a priest hitchhiking." replied the priest. Disgusted by his gullible nature. "What's this thing that they call a 'Breathalyzer'?" The second guy says. he turned to the priest and said. "I'm just putting my bloody shoes on. Father! IÌll give you a lift. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him." 324 Did you hear about the farmer who won the Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field? 325 Two drunks are sitting at a bar. he leaned over the closed box and said.. But even though he was sure he missed the lawyer he still heard a loud "THUMP". So he got real close to the box and repeated rather loudly . do you want to come too?" He waited a few moments but there was no reply. He glanced in his mirrors and when he didnÌt see anything. millipede. 327 A white horse goes into a pub and orders a drink. "I SAID I'M GOING TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.That evening testing his new pet. wanna come to the boozer with me???" Again. "Hey. I almost hit that lawyer. no response. I pink it up and say 'yellow'". "Here. pink and yellow. "What. "I got him with the door!" 331 Craig David . he decided to give it one more try before returning the millipede to the pet shop.. They each were asked to name something green. the sun is yellow and my door is pink." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. "I'm going to the pub for a drink." "ThatÌs okay." The first guy says. The publican says. Climb in the truck. so at the last minute he swerved back away. The first guy said "my shirt is green. "I married one of those things years ago. "IÌm sorry Father. "It's a bag that can tell how much you drank.Shaggy said "it wasn't me" and Britney Spears said "Oops I did it again" . DO YOU WANNA COME?" "I heard you the first time!!" snapped the millipede.
"didn't i tell you to take that koala to the zoo?" "Yes". I am going to nail your feet to the florr!" The ducks leaves again. The man says "No. on points. "Do you have any nails?" The Man replies.He took it to the polieman and sid "i've found this koala what should i do with him" The policeman said . He said . and this time says. this is a Drugstore. The man then replies. "No" The duck then says." said the vet. "I wish to have one of my kidneys removed" 336 what's white blue and green? A fridge wearing jeans sitting in a field!!! 337 Whats brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! 338 What is grey and goes bang. The next day. he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. and asks the cashier if he has any beer. and returns home. "My dog's cross‐eyed." . bang? A four‐door elephant 339 A duck walks into a drugstore. Who won the boxing match between the beaver and the hedgehog? A. "let's have a look at him. "Do you have any beer?" 340 what do you call am italian with a rubber toe? Roberto 341 Why do elephants have big ears? Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom 342 How do you stop a bear from charging? You take away its credit card. we don't sell beer here" The Duck leaves. "but remember every pollitition in Australia will get double" The man says. "but remember every pollitition in Australia will get double."take him to the zoo" The next day the policeman was walking in the same park when he saw the same man with the same koala. bang. says the genie. "Ok. 343 A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. The man says. "Ok. "I told you yesterday! We dont' sell beer here! If you ask me one more time. The man answered. says the genie. is there anything you can do for him?" "Well. now I wish for a Ferrarii" "Granted". I wish for $1 million" "Granted". The hedgehog. 335 A man finds a genie who says that it will grant him three wishes but that every pollitition in Australia would get double. bang. Your final wish?" The man says.332 What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!! 333 Q. One final time the duck enters the store the next day. that's what I did and today I'm taking him to the movies. 334 A man was walking in the park when he came across a koala .
"OH NO! I just dropped an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks his friend." 344 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts to do it! 345 What time is it? Time you got a new watch. "Yes" he replies "I'm POSITIVE!" . then checked his teeth." "What? Why? Because he's cross‐eyed?" "No. Finally. Thud. 346 Two elephants fall off a cliff.So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes. 347 Why did the man drown in a bowl of cake mix? He got pulled under by a particularly strong current!! 348 why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires!! 349 What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk!!! 350 What do you call a child who fries and eats both his parents? An orphan. 354 Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a 'hole in one'! 355 How do you get four elephants into a Mini? Two in the front. Thud. he said. he's heavy. "I'm going to have to put him down. One says to the other. 356 What do you call a mushroom at a disco? A fun guy 357 Two atoms are walking down the road. 351 Newspaper Reports say a toilet has been stolen. Policve say they have nothing to go on 352 Why has Edward Woodward got so many 'D's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar 353 Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel prize? He was out. two in the back. standing in his field.
.. The man asks 'Is it serious. 367 why did the swedish factory worker get sacked?? Because he always took stock home! (stockholm!) 368 There was a teddy bear who went to work on a building site." they say. there were 3 little bears. The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.." Then another piece of tarmac enters and the first two hide under a table.358 A bunch of highland cows are standing in a field in Scotland.The one with the wee calf! 359 ‐ Knock knock. 366 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the oven and wait till its Bill Withers. "We're motorway us.now there's lots of them 362 What is black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra 363 There were two cows in a field." 361 A long time ago. the other one said "I was going to say that!" 364 What's Brown. "but he's a cycle path.. doctor?' and the doctor replies 'I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg'. sits in a tree and can't sing? Des O'conker 365 How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. On his first day he went off for lunch and left his tools behind. When he told the foreman the foreman said "Didn't you know today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked"! 369 A man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor. One said "moo". When he came back he noticed that his pick was missing. there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom'. 370 what do u call thieves on a washing line? ans: knickers 371 Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? . "I thought you were really hard?" "We are. Which one's on holiday? .. ‐ Who's there? ‐ Buh ‐ Buh who? ‐ Don't be sad 360 Two pieces of tarmac go into a pub and boast to the barman about how hard they are. "What's wrong?" says the barman..
" 379 2 cows are in a field.. The barman says "Certainly ‐ what's with the enormous paws (pause)?" 382 What do you call a cow that eats grass? A lawn moo‐er 383 2 robbers went 2 the gates of heven an angle said god there is 2 robbers at the gates god said let them in so the angle went 2 let them in he came running in and said "they're gone.. ÏHave you found Jesus?Ó ÏNo.." he says. "I can get in my Cadillac at 7 a... ÏAre you sure this is where he fell in?Ó 373 Shakespeare walks into a pub..m..... and repeats......Ó she says..... pulls her back up.they're gone.." 374 Two parrots sitting on a perch.Ó she says in exasperation. 378 Marge: "Homer.... ÏHave you found Jesus?Ó ÏNo!.. "Can you smell fish?" 375 Why is 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 "ate" 9 376 I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. "I'm not serving you mate ‐ you're Bard... ÏNo..... The minister asks the girl if she has found Jesus... Not screaming and yelling like his passengers 377 What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.. 385 A Texan is bragging. drive all day long and still be on my ..Ó she says.One says to the other. The bloke behind the counter says.... Whereupon the minister pushes her underwater....He was pulled under by a strong currant! 372 A young girl is walking along the river and comes across a religious gathering where the minister is baptizing members of his flock.. I would like an omlet.. as usual: "You know..."god:who the robbers no the gates!! 384 Q: Why don't anteaters get sick? A: Because they're full of antibodies. and is dunked back in the water and again asked..... the first cow says "hmm i feel a little bit sick" the second cow replies "Shut up! or you'll get us both killed!" 380 what is the sleepiets fish? a kipper 381 A polar bear goes into a bar and says to the barman "Could I have a pint of beer and . you never listen to anything I say!" Homer: "Thank you. a packet of crisps please?".
.you think one of them would of noticed it was there.. so it must be one of them." replies his listener. if there are millions of stars." Homes: "and from that you deduce?" Watson: "Well. I was gonna say that!" 388 Q‐When's the best time to have a tooth pulled? A‐ Tooth‐Hurty 389 A man walks into a pub. you look NICE today!!!" He turns aroud and asks the bartender." Holmes: "Watson.. ta.. they're COMPLEMENTARY!!!" 387 Two sheep were standing on a hillside in Scotland. its quite likely there are some planets like earth like earth out there.. "Who said that?" The bartender answers.property. "Hey. "The peanuts. And if there are a few planets like earth out there.. 396 Two peanuts walk into a bar.... Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies.. my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho‐Cha‐Chu. "I see millions and millions of stars." "Yes. I've got one `ere. "Sure pal. and in even a few of those have planets." 391 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.. "Hey bartender.. look up at the stars. the toilet's down the hall. and tell me what you see. "I had a car like that once. goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man. you idiot. one looks up and says "baaaaaaaaaa..." Watson said. And there are 5 people in my family. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up.. "do you want a pint Vincent?" "No. "Watson. 395 Three guys walk into an office building. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. it's my birthday! How about a free drink?" The bartender says. there might also be life. But I think its Colin ." The other says.. It's either my mum or dad." 390 A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender.." 392 What is the last thing a fish says when it hits a wall? Dam! 393 Did you here about the magic tractor ? It was driving down a lane then it turned into a field ! 394 Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left him. One was a salted 397 Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. "Bloody hell.." 386 A man walks into a bar and hears someone say. somebody stole our tent.
411 It's a hot day." the bartender answers. So that was nice Why did the egg cross the road? 400 Q: Why did the egg cross the road? A: To research its geneology. so the barman gave her one." 408 Q: Where does a King keep his armies? A: In his sleevies 409 A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre. a stump or a rock? A rock. it all happened so fast. "no charge. 407 A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. And it's strange.. 410 Where do horses go when they are injured or hurt? The Horsepital. He replied . and everyone is on the beach. They left a little note on my windscreen saying parking fine. 401 Q. The world is my cloister. because everyone has bought an ice‐cream cone." 405 News Flash from Chicago: Man found face down in bathtub full of milk and corn flakes with banana in rear! Police looking for cereal killer..Binbag the sailor! 403 What has more courage.What did the monk say when returning to his monestary after a trip around the world? A. He asks the bartender for a drink. 402 Whats black and shiny and sails the seven seas? . because it's a little boulder. "For you. and is feeding the sea‐gulls . The jelly babies were a bit scared and went to the Hard Gum to ask for a bit of help. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know. they're menthol!". 404 A neutron walks into a bar.. When it's served. he asks how much it will be. "I'm not going anywhere near them. somebody actually complimented me on my driving the other day. 406 Two jelly babies walked into a bar with their friend the Hard Gum. When they went up to get drinks.398 What do you call a mushroom who buys you drinks all night? A real Fungi to be with. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. 399 You know. some cough sweets went up to them and started hassling them.
. 413 why did the mouse squeak? 'cos it needed oiling 414 What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hellifino.. "Thirteen! Thirteen! THIRTEEN!!" The guy notices a small hole in the fence and his curiosity naturally gets the better of him. Want to live longer? Take a nap. And he says: "You'll never stop them. Is this true? Your heart is only good for so many beats. and that's it. and straight away the gulls came down to steal it. Everything wears out eventually. of course) 412 Rene Descarte walks into a bar.." ("killing two birds with one stone". The inmates are all screaming at the tops of their lungs. and let the gulls have the ice‐cream. we're playing in the cup next week. So of course I chased them away. One says to the other: "I'm getting really bored with this." he said. He's got an ice‐cream. but they kept on coming. 421 This guy is walking past a wooden fence.not.. "I think.." "Why?" I asked. enjoy yourself.. that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.. "have a beer?" Descarte says. "two pints of beer please barman" asks the brain "sorry guys can't serve you tonight" replies the barman "why not" asks the brain "because you're out your head and he's likly to start somthing" 417 I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.with it.. two gulls to each person. 418 Two spiders were playing football in a saucer. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. and two gulls eating it. made out of cordurouy. It's making headlines. He takes a peek and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye." The other says: "Don't worry. He yells in pain as the . "Because. "that way you'll be chilling two birds with one cone." and disappears. and then this old man wonders over in my direction.. so do what everyone else is doing: relax." 419 why can't you milk a mouse? 'cos you can't get a bucket under it 420 Inventions today: it's reported that a new kind of pillowcase has been invented. So I went bought an ice‐cream.. On the other side of the fence is an asylum. 415 Q : Name 2 crustaceans A : King Crustacean & Charring Crustacean 416 a brain and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. Bartender says.
'Oh dear." Man2 "Jamaica?" Man1 "No she went of her own accord": 430 How do you keep your nose from running? Teach it to WALK! 431 What can you eat in a Cyber Cafe? Micro Chips 432 A young karate champion joined the Army. what's the bad news?' asks the patient. Suddenly. . 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies. The first time he saluted. a naked lady stepped out of the brush and said. 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 433 If I had a pet newt I would call him "Tiny". 'I have bad news and worse news'. The doctor replies. 'That's terrible'. said the patient. "Fourteen! Fourteen! FOURTEEN!!" 422 What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty bus! 423 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the rooster on the other side. 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'. because he'd be my newt. so they shot her. where does baby oil come from? 435 A piece of string walks into a bar one day and asks for a beer. "I'm game!". we had a little girl mouse in here yesterday. asking for the same thing." 426 A doctor says to his patient. which one is in the army ? The one on the tank !! boom boom 425 A little boy mouse goes into a music shop and asks for a mouse‐organ. 434 If corn oil comes from corn." The mouse replies: "That must have been our Monica. he killed himself. 424 Two Bears in an airing cupboard. 429 Man1 "My wife's gone to the West Indies. 427 What do baby apes sleep in? Apricots! 428 Two hunters were walking through the woods.inmates start shouting. The shopkeeper says: "That's a coincidence.
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet. "I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum. walked barefoot most of the time. she costs £250"." 439 How much does a pirate pay to have his ear pierced? A Buccaner (buck an ear) 440 A drunk was standing on a London Street corner shouting "It can't be done! It can't be done!" Just ten. "This is Single Barbie. "Sorry but we don't serve string in this bar. he ties a knot in himself and messes up his hair. "No." 436 What was born to succeed? A budgie with a blunt beak! 437 Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers! 438 Doctor. "I'm sorry but we don't serve string in this bar.. but before entering. and this one is Divorced Barbie.. . 443 A newly married man asks his wife.' It just can't be done . "Aren't you a piece of string?" the bar tender asks. as you know. with the Divorced Barbie" says the assistant "You get the House." the woman replies sweetly. "Why so much for the Divorced Barbie?" ask the mother. He also ate very little. "Look... Doctor.. The bar tender turns him away again. which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. so they ask an assistant to help. she cost £20.It's too Bloody big!!!" 441 A mother & daughter go out looking for Barbie Dolls. it says 'DRINK CANADA DRY. He enters the bar and asks for a beer. but the atmosphere is lousy. she costs £40. and this is Married Barbie." The piece of string walks out and returns the next day asking for a beer. he suffered from bad breath." Doctor. the Car." 444 Mahatma Gandhi.. up there on that sign. says the assistant. . "I've got some cream for that.. No luck. a Bobby aproached him and said: "What can't be done?" The drunk answered.The bar tender says. . This made him what? . "I'd have married you no matter who left a you a fortune. "Well." he replies." The next day the piece of string returns to the bar. but can't find any prices in the shop." 442 Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? . the Children. "I'm a frayed knot. "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Darling. I hear the food is great.
The fourth one ducks. We don't serve pieces of string here. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "So. the second containing a chicken. The barkeep says "Get out. she began removing the cream with a tissue." The piece of string goes around the corner. "It's okay. and he decides he's going to learn a new flying sport. ties a knot in his middle and unravels his ends. how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head. made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. and my wife is leaving me." said James." 446 James wanted to start a new hobby. hen‐gliding or parrot‐ shooting. 453 Three men walk into a bar. "What *are* you up to?" asked one of his friends. "The police car right behind us did the same thing.. as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. I can't pay my bills." 449 World's best oxymoron: Windows Operating System 450 Little Johnny watched. and produces three bird cages ‐ one containing a budgerigar. 454 i went to the doctors the other day and [whilst raising my hand in the air] i say "doctor it hurts when i do this" .. He takes them to the top of a cliff. "Not good. "I couldn't decide between budgie‐jumping. and the third a parrot. "Giving up?" 451 A man in a hurry taking his 8‐year‐old son to school. "Uh‐oh. She comes with all of Ken's things." 452 Did you hear about the new Barbie Doll they are making? It's called "Divorced Barbie"." 447 He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. So he invites his friends to come and watch.' And I thought 'That's a turn‐up for the books.. "Well. The barkeep says "Are you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" The piece of string says "I'm a frayed knot. A few minutes later.' 448 A piece of string walks into a pub and asks for a pint. "To make myself beautiful. It goes back into the bar and again asks for a pint. Dad" the boy said. mommy?" he asked. "Well. I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said." said his mother. my kids don't respect me. my health isn't good.A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. don't lose any sheep over it. fascinated." The first replied. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face. 445 Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second. so I thought I'd try all three.
465 So these vultures decide to fly to Florida on an ariline.. He only gave me 4???? 461 "Give me a sentence about a public servant. "Means carrying a child. seeing him there.. ain't it?" asked the neighbor.. One of them asked the guard.. their kids aren't much to look at either.. the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here. "My goldfish died and I'm burying him. decided to investigate. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.the doctor replies "Well dont do it then" 455 Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones." 456 two nuns walked into a building. "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replied. 458 One day little Johnny was in his back yard digging a hole. "Whatcha doin?" he asked. A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent! 464 Did you hear about the Invisible Man that married the Invisible Woman? Yeah. 460 Went to the doctor and he told me i would have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish. but there's a limit of two carrion per . ‐Sounds good." said a teacher. A psychotic is one who lives in it." "That's an awfully exact number. "They are 3 million." 462 My wife and I were happy for 20 years. and that was four and a half years ago. no butter and my plain butter.. and six months old.. no salt. "Sure.. you would have thought thay would have seen it!! 457 Big Diet ‐well here's your plain popcorn. no butter. no salt. His neighbor. no popcorn. it'll go great with my plain salt.. Then we met. They got on board carrying six dead raccoons and the flight attendant says. four years. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answered. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "I'm sorry." said the young student confidently.. 463 A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. "That's because he's inside your cat!" 459 Did you hear what happened to the hyena who swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock ... no popcorn.. "Well." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him." Johnny replied." says the tourist.
What is your fourth question?" 468 what's brown and sticky? A stick. 471 Why does Windows make computers crash? Because there's insufficent memory to RAM the door down! (I didn't expect you to laugh. 473 Why don't canibals like clowns? Because they taste funny!!!!! 474 Why do canibals like missionaries? Because they give them a taste of christianity!!!! 475 What do you call a musician who's girlfriend has dumped him? Homeless.. "Give me one . 476 A guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac and said to the bartender.passenger. the wife turns to the husband and says" whats that noise?. 479 A man walked into a bar and the barman said to him "Hello do you want a drink?" "Yes . 469 eskimo husband and wife in an igloo." 477 A boy was walking down the street when he was stopped by a man holding a sofa. the boy said to him "Dad I thought you would be pleased" his dad replied "No son what have I told you about taking suites off strangers"!!!!! 478 Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It was going down the road and turned into a field.a joke!) 472 Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It was going down the road and turned into a field. 467 "Are you a lawyer?" "Yes." 466 Question: How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Answer: I will tell you later.He looks out the window and says" dont worry luv it's only rain dear"(reindeer!) 470 Why is one side of a "V" of geese always longer? Because there are more geese on that side. this joke was.When he arrived home his dad went mad.they hear "thump thump thump thump"on the roof. and one more for the road." "Isn't that awfully expensive?" "Yes." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars for four questions.The man said to the boy "Here you go you can have this sofa for nothing I don't need it anymore" the boy thanked him and took the sofa home to his dad..
. and asks the bartender: "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies: "This is a bar. looks around and says.00 please" but the man replied "No you asked me if I wanted drink not if I wanted to buy one" a lawyer sitting in the corner agreed so the barman let him off and banned him from the pub. Duck says: "Got any grapes?" 486 Whats the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You can't wash in a buffalo 487 There was three tomatoes walking down a street. 484 There are two parrots sitting on a perch. not a market... but why the big pause?" 489 A three legged dog walk bursts into a wild west saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw" . Now get out of the bar before I nail your little webbed feet to the floor!".. He asks: "Got any nails?" The bartender replies: "No.please" replied the man.... "Can you smell fish?"... the duck asks the bartender: "Got any grapes"? The bartender says. we don't have grapes".. The daddy tomato got so annoyed at the baby tomato for being so slow that he turned around real quickly and smacked his hands together and roared "KETCHUP" !!!! 488 A polar bear goes into a pub and says to the barman: "I'd like a." look..... "Sure.. I told you yesterday that we don't sell grapes here!" The duck leaves."Hey! Wheredid everyone go?" 483 Whats a wombat for? For playing Wom.....The next day the man went back to the pub and the barman said "Oi are'nt you the man I barred yesterday?" "No" replied the man.... once again........ I have already told you twice that we don't have any grapes here. this isn't a hardware store!"..... "oh" said the barman "You must have a double" "Yes please said the man I'll have a malt whiskey" !!!!!! 480 man #1: My dog has no nose man #2: then how does it smell? man #1: bad 481 what is red and stands in the corner? a naughty strawberry 482 a group of 99 ostritches is standing around with their heads buried in the sand...... One says to the other.. with the same question: "Got any grapes?".. but returns the next day. The daddy tomato and the mammy tomato were way ahead of the baby tomato. The duck walks out.packet of salt and vinegar crisps please.. The bartender angrily replies: "look. The duck walks out of the bar.." The barman replies..!!! 485 A duck walks into a bar. only to return the next day..The barman then gave him a drink and waited for his money but the man didn't pay the barman argued with him and said "Thats £3.. an ostritch runs up to join the group... but comes back the next day....
490 A grasshopper walks into a bar. The guy goes back to his car.00 to take them to the zoo".What do you get if you cross a bird a car and a dog? A. He walks back to the nightclub. i just gave you $50. What's the difference between a tennis ball and the Prince of Wales? A. and motions for him to open his window. the city gets wind of it and threatens heavy fines if he doesn't get rid of the monkeys. What is white and walks through the desert? A. One is thrown to the air and the other is heir to the throne. Obviously this is dangerous driving as the driver has no hands on the wheel. knitting. the policeman shouts across. 492 A guy is driving down the motorway. those monkeys multiply and soon he's got 10 monkeys. He sees a set of jumperleads in the back so he puts them around his neck and ties a rough knot. 499 A guy tries to enter a nightclub but is stopped at the door by the bouncer who tells him that he can't get in without wearing a necktie. "No ‐ pair of socks!" 493 What do you call a mushroom who buys you lots of drinks? A fungi to be with! 494 Who is a penguin's favourite relative. One police car drives up alongside the offending vehicle. pedro calls and asks for fifty MORE dollars! the man says "listen.Why was there a fish in the piano? A. The bartender says "hey! we've got a drink named after you!".00 to take the monkeys to the zoo. When the bouncer sees him he looks him over and says "OK you can go in ‐ but don't start anything" 500 why did the fly do an old‐fashioned dance on the jam jar? because it said "twist to open what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? .A flying carpet 497 Q. So the man calls his cousin pedro and offers him $50. A herd of yoghurt 498 Q. so before long the police are catching up with him. The grasshopper says "you have a drink named Murray?!" 491 a man buys two monkeys. "pull over!". a couple of hours pass.Because it was a piano tuna 496 Q. His Aunt Artica! 495 Q. but now they want to go to the movies!". looks around but can't find a tie. Pedro says "yes.
In his sleevies 503 How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. The square says to the circle. right. they would fall into the boat. Where did Napoleon keep his armies? A. "No! This is her husband!" 508 What did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest! 509 Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!! 510 Why do deep sea divers jump out of the boat backwards when they want to go into the water? Because if they jumped forward. "Yeah. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS LECTURE A STUDENT WROTE 'FOOL' ON A SLIP OF PAPER. and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her. Finally she spoke. "Calm down. "In English. In some languages. 512 A PROFESSOR WAS GIVING ONE OF HIS LECTURES. such as Russian." he said." A voice from the back of the room piped up. she was invited for lunch. Some weeks later. "Your round!" 505 A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. what's wrong with the other tie. it's really hot in here. However. The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one. THE PROFESSOR STOPPED HIS LECTURE AND TAKING THE SLIP IN HIS HAND HE SAID 'WHIC H OF THE GENTLEMAN HERE HAS SENT ME HIS VISITING CARD?' 513 A mother‐in‐law sent two ties to her son‐in‐law. Is this her first child?" He replies. a double negative is still a negative. 511 Q: What do you tell a mathematician on a Saturday night ? A: Don't drink and derive. though. isn't it?" The egg turns to the sausage and says: "Oh my god! A talking sausage!!" 507 A guy phones the local hospital and yells "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says.501 what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? FROSTBITE!!! 502 Q. HE THREW IT AT THE PROFESSOR." 506 There's a sausage and an egg in a frying pan. with the Mother‐in‐law maintaining a stony silence. there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. 504 A square and a circle walk into a bar. "Alright." . "a double negative forms a positive. The sausage turns to the egg and says: "Gosh egg.
They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said . He comments. 526 An engineer. dear. 520 Why is a tree better than a guard dog? It has more bark! 521 Two ducks were sitting in a pond. saying that this was a ridiculous hour to be knocking people up. "From this observation. The man was very angry."that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts.mate.: You kick it's back." 517 what did batman say to robin before they got in the car? Robin.514 What did the orange say to the banana on the street corner? "Hi" 515 Wy was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. don't you remember when we broke down and were glad of a push?". 523 What did the small rug say to the large rug? Cover me I'm cold. shut the door. where are you?" And a voice said "Over here on the swings". "Look. The engineer looks out the window and sees a black sheep. they have black sheep in Scotland". so he went downstairs again. 525 How do telephones get married? They just give each other a ring. get in the car 518 Q." said mother tortoise to father tortoise. we can only say there .: How do you catch a rhino wearing a wool‐hat? A. Then let the rhino chase you around a lake until the rhino is hot and takes off the hat. Then physicist looks and comments. opened the door. he told her some nutter wanting a push. She said"You shouldn't have refused him. mate?". one of the ducks said "Quack" The other duck said "I was going to say that!" 522 What's black and white and black and white and black and white? A: A Penguin rolling down a hill. she calls back thats not a lion it's a cat. " I think ." And a voice from the door said. What's black and white and laughing? A: The Penguin that pushed him. will you pop home and fetch my umberella?"So off went Junior for father's umberella. and went back upstairs. Junior. he calls" hey you can't leave that lying there. 524 old lady knocks down a cat as she drives along the main street a police man comes along as she drives off. opened the door. "I think its going to rain. Now you can catch it like a normal rhino. a physicist. When his wife asked who it was. 519 There was a knock on the door in the early hours. The man went downstairs. and said"OK. and a voice said"Will you give us a push. and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. 516 A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream.but three days later he still hadn't returned."If you do that I won't go.
you know." 527 A proton. ." Finally the neutron orders a drink and asks how much it costs. The bartender says. 'I suppose I'd ease off on Mr accelerator. officer. neutron. ." Next. "five dollars. will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?" 533 teacher) "Jonny why are you late for class" Jonny) "well I was on my way to shool and I was almost here but thjen I crossed a sign saying SLOW so I had to go really slow and that's what took me so long. 539 Me: Ask me if I'm an orange! You: Are you an orange? .' says the businessman. .A: you get repossesed 538 What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. 531 A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is stopped by a policeman." The mathematician then looks and comments. 532 "You're a high‐priced lawyer! If I give you $500. thinking it best to play along. 536 What do you get if you cross a mammal with a reptile? A Nobel prize 537 Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorsist. Again the bartender says. 'Well. 'I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!' And threw the book at him. from this we can only say there is at least one sheep in Scotland that's black on one side. "Actually.is at least one black sheep in Scotland.' 'And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?' demands the policeman. The proton orders a drink. 534 What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley 535 Q: Why do people say you never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes? A: Because then when you do you'll be a mile away and have their shoes. and switch on Mr headlights and Mr windscreen wipers'. and asks how much it costs. . 'Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?' asks the policeman. "for you. it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along. "five dollars. there is no charge." 528 What do chiropodists eat for breakfast? Cornflakes! :) 529 What happenend to the car mechanic that fell asleep dreaming about cars? He woke up exhausted 530 Why do birds sing and humming birds hum? Humming birds don't know the words. 'Eh. The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. actuallly no. and electron walk into a bar. The bartender says. the electron orders a drink and asks how much it costs.
. He tells her to touch her leg with her finger and she screams. He tells her to touch her foot with her finger she yells in aggony. The doctor then goes to the patient and says just as as I though your finger is broken! 543 What's red and invisible? No tomatoes. "turn the ignition key without touching the pedal. says the mechanic. onions.Me: No! 540 What's the difference between a trampoline and a bagpipe? Eventually you get tired of jumping on a trampoline.. ham and cheese. Does it work? Well." replies the engineer. an engineer and a computer scientist are travelling together in a car. i've been jumping in and out of this circle!! 549 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A: A nervous wreck. The mechanic and engineer each try various techniques to restart the car. 541 A mechanic. After the failure of several more attempts. . "What the hell you finding so funny??" The man replies. then get back in. "No. 548 A man is driving down the road when he gets pulled over by a copper. A police spokesman said that the cause of death had not been established. but there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself 546 Q:Why does an elephant paint its nails red? A: so it won't be noticed between the strawberries. the computer scientist confidently announced his solution. While the man stands in the circle. when the motor suddenly fails.. "Pump the accelerator a couple of times". The copper turns around again and sees the man laughing even harder! The frustrated copper then shouts to the man.ever seen an elephant between the strawberries? 547 What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? ‐ Finding half a maggot in your apple. The copper draws a circle on the floor and asks the man to stand in it." 542 A patient walks into the doctors office and says doctor I have pain anywhere I touch my body with my finger! The doctor says thats unusuall. "Everytime you turned around.. The copper turns around and sees the man laughing! So the copper goes and smahes each of the cars windows. the copper gets out a hammer and smashes the cars headlights. "Let's all get out of the car." The car refuses to start. 544 "Thats a funny reptile you have whats its name?" "Tiny" "Why do you call it Tiny" "Because he is My Newt" 545 Police were called to a Pizza Hut in Leeds at the weekend after the body of a worker was found covered in mushrooms.. So he tell her to touch her arm with her finger and she screams in pain..
Unable to find the piece of paper on which he wrote her company e‐mail address. he does his best from memory. 555 I cut the bottom off one of my trouser legs the other day and sent them to the library. The Physchiatrist replies "Tell him I can't see him right now". When he arrives at his hotel he sends her a quick message. 553 A man had a dog called minton. I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." Watson replied. just checked in. The little mouse point's at the bat saying: Look Mammi. Astrologically. he doesn't get it exactly right and the message is routed instead to someone whose husband recently passed away. Meteorologically. PS It sure is hot down here. "Watson. Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson.. screams and faints." "And what does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically. you pillock! Someone has stolen our tent!" 557 A guy walks up to the receptionist in the Physchiatrist's office and says "I'm the Invisible man and I'd like to talk to the Doctor". After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night. "I see millions and millions of stars. 552 Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused to have his mouth frozen when he went to the dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute. Suddenly a bat comes flying in the air. Looking forward to us being together again. Some hours later. Well theres a turn‐up for the books. One day minton ate two shuttle cocks. and went to sleep. 556 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. she takes one look at her monitor. look up at the sky and tell me what you see.550 A little babymouse is walking hand in hand together with her mother. Horologically. I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Your loving husband. She pokes her head into the Physchiatrist's office and says there is a man here who wants to talk to you and he claims he's the Invisible man. When the grieving widow opens her e‐mail. everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. The message on the computer screen read: My darling wife . an angel. When the owner found out he said bad minton!!!! 554 A guy takes a trip for a short holiday. 551 What do you call a princess who worries all the time? A warrior princess. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Unfortunately. . then spoke. I observe that Saturn is in Leo.. His wife is on a business trip that is ending the next day and she plans to fly down and meet him. Theologically.
When he returns a while later.. "It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more. "you are fired.. just him" the owner says. As an added bonus. "You're not fired. "That's it" the owner replies. Since competition in their area was quite fierce." 562 What do you call a Swiss Financier on the Paris Undergound? A metronome. and purple all over? A zebra with a bruise! 559 An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. When he asks the bartender how much he owes him. 566 A group of astronaughts are on the moon.558 What's black. The man told him the window cannot be opened so the village bum started beating up the man. "For you. The man replies. 564 Two men are hired to do a job in a building. One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie. singing "I'm a chandelier. blue. A while later the owner returns to find the one working diligently and the other back on the ceiling. I'm a chandelier. They've been mining the surface. 560 Was that wig expensive? How much did you have toupee for it? 561 A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. 563 Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum that it COULD be done. After the owner explains everything. the bartender says. it's no charge." Then the owner notices that the man who had been working all the time was packing up all his things also.. After some turbulence the village bum asked the man sitting next to him to open the window so he can throw up. he leaves. All of a sudden. After much thought." The owner orders him to come down and get back to work. "After all ‐ have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?" 567 Once a village bum went on an airplane for the first time. Soon a flight attendant came and asked him the reason for his behaviour. he sees one man working diligently and the other man hanging on the ceiling. After listening to his . white. "Are you kidding? I can't work without any light!" 565 A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. they wanted their new business to have something unique about it. singing "I'm a chandelier. moored on the banks of the river. the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese‐base‐one ‐ we need you to get a third load of that brie!" But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. and collected samples to be returned to mission control.. and have discovered that it really is made of cheese. they decided to set up shop on board a boat. The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry. and they've already been there twice. We don't want to leave this place looking bad. they also offered river crossings in the boat. I'm a chandelier" again. with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing.
on the horizon a Navy helicopter appears and lands of the beach.. Months go by and the Australian and American have made do without the Japanese man and have built a rigid bamboo hut. They all wander off into the jungle and all except the Japanese man return a few hours later. "Africa.. Since the village bum was the only one not throwing up the flight attendant asked him what had happened. . 573 Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing. there is a whole bunch of them down there. The American decides to take charge and says. Beatrix 569 Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay.complaint the flight attendant told him about the barf bag. the parot said.. they'd be bagels. the clerk ask where he got him from. 570 What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back? WHEEEE!!! 571 early one morning a gentleman was doing his push up exercises in central park when a drunk came along and tapped him on the shoulder and said "say mister i think your girlfriends gone home" 572 I had a dream that i was a muffler last night. 575 An American.. 577 Dave: Me and the missus went to the Caribbean this year for our summer holidays. the Australian and American joyfully run up to it. an Australian and a Japanese man become stranded on a tropical island. Suddenly. the Japanese man jumps out from behind a palm tree and screams "SUPPLIES!!" 576 What makes God laugh? Ans: People making plans. "I'll be in charge of engineering" he then looks at the Australian and says "You can be in charge of building" and finally looks at the Japanese man and says "You're in charge of the supplies". I woke up exhausted." 580 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. To this the village bum replied that as he was throwing up everyone stared at him so being embarassed he drank it back. she went of her own accord! 578 Q: Why do elephants drink? A: To try and forget 579 A black man walks into a store with a parot on his shoulder. What do you call a woman who can balance 4 pints of beer on her head? A. 568 Q. 574 Why din't the tedy bear finish its dinner? it was stuffed. After a while the flight attendant came and saw all the passengers barfing. Finally. John: Jamaica? Dave: No.
581 What do you call a fly with out wings? A walk 582 How do nuns boil water? They boil the hell out of it. 583 A male ostrich was chasing two female ostriches. The one female said to the other, "He's starting to gain on us, we better hide!" So, they stopped and stuck their heads in the sand. The male ostrich said, "...Hey, where'd they go?" 584 A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?" 585 A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here". So the string goes into another bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here". So the string goes into ANOTHER bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here". The string gets all mad, so he pulls and ruffles himself all up. The string then goes into another bar and the bartender says "We don't serve... hey? Arn't you a string?" and the string replies "Im a frayed knot". 586 When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil. 587 Descartes walks in to a bar. The bartender ask if he'd like a beer. Descartes replies, "I think not." Then he disapears. 588 A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says what will it be. The fish replies water! 589 A depressed horse walks into a bar. The barman asks him, "Why the long face?" 590 A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've been having the strangest dreams. Last night I dreamed I was a teepee, and the night before I dreamed I was a wigwam. What do you think it means?" The doctor pondered a moment and replied, "Well, it sounds like you're two tents." 591 two peanuts walk down the street and one was a salted. 592 Q. what did the male volcano say to the female volcano? A. do you lava me like i lava you! 593 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
594 Q: why did the football coach go to the bank ? A: to get his quarterback! 595 Did you hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red paint and black paint? The whole crew was marooned. 596 How many surrealists does it take to change a light blub? To get to the other side. 597 Why didn't the Clam share his candy? Because he was Shellfish 598 What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don't know and I don't care one way or the other. 599 A Philosopher and scientist were being chased by a lion. The Scientist looked back and made a swift calculation. Puffing, he said to the philosopher ‐ 'we can't out run it you know' The Philosopher was slightly ahead, he replied 'I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you! 600 Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. Bartender asks "Olive or Twist?"
Why can't dalmations play hide and seek?
601 Why can't dalmations play hide and seek? Because they are always spotted. 602 An inebriate enters a restaurant and asks the cashier, "Did you see me come in the door, there?" "Yes I did, sir." "Have you ever seen me before?" "No, I haven't." "Then, how did you know it was me?" 603 What do you call a one legged ballarenia's costume? A One‐One 604 A doctor says to his patient,"Without these treatments, you've got 3 months to live," and hands him a bill. The patient says, "My God! Look at all these. I can't come up with this kind of money in 3 months!" The doctor says, "Alright! You've got 6 months to live." 605 How do you make a cat go woof? Pour petrol on it. 606 A swede(vegetable) walks in to a library and the librarian looks up and says "There's a turnip for the books"
607 If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness, divorced him and married Herman Munster, she'd be Sondra Locke Ness Munster. 608 A guy goes to the doctor and complains he can't stop singing the "Green, Green Grass Of Home". The doctor says it's the Tom Jones Syndrome The guys asks if it's common. The doctor replies: "It's not unusual" 609 "Doctor, I used to think I was a dog, but I reckon I'm cured now‐wow‐wow!" "I see. How long did you have this complaint?" "Ever since I was a puppy." "Interesting. Well, just lie on the couch there." "But I'm not allowed on the couch..." 610 Q: What is big, grey and sings the Blues? A: Elephant Gerald. 611 What's yellow and stupid? Thick custard!!!!! 612 Knock Knock Who's there ? Boo Boo who Dont cry 613 If I eat three cakes in the morning and three for tea... what will I have/ Answer: A tummyache 614 A pirate walks into a pub. Another patron, having never met a pirate before, wants to know the stories behind the battle scars. He buys the pirate a pint, and strikes up a conversation. "How'd you get the peg leg?" "Shark took off me leg in the South Seas." "How about that hook?" "Lost the hand in a sword fight." "And the eye patch?" "Seagull pooped in me eye." "Are seagull droppings really that dangerous?" "No, but it were me first day with the hook." 615 A man goes into a pub and sees his best friend playing chess with a dog. He says "That's a very clever dog you've got there!" to which his friend replied, "He's not that clever, he doesn't often win!" 616 A magician is very happy because he has got a job on the Titanic.So he gets on the ship, and that night he does his act in front hundreds of people but doesn't get very far for his parrot keeps giving away the answers"It's under the table.It's up his sleelve.It's behind his back." The magician goes off the stage very depressed, and this happened again and again and
again until one night, unfortunaly, the ship hit an ice‐berg and sank!Luckily, the magician and his parrot escaped in a lifeboat.They sailed on and on for days without seeing anyone, and through all of this time, the parrot had a look of total confusionon his face and didn't utter a single word.The magician thought that the parrot must be sick of hunger, until one day when the parrot said. "O.K. I give up.Where have you hidden the stupid ship???!!!!" 617 A man is driving to work and is called on his mobile. It's his boss saying he's been promoted. The man is so happy his car wobbles in the road. A little while later there is another phone call and he's been promoted again. He is so happy he swerves into the middle of the road and back into his lane. Later there is another phone call. For the 3rd time he is promoted. He is so overwhelmed with joy that he swerves off the road and bangs into a tree. A passing car stops and a man gets out and says "Are you alright, what happened?" and the other man replies "I 'careered' off the road." 618 why did the mermaid blush because the seaweed! 619 Why did the muddy chicken cross the road twice? Answer: He was a Dirty Double‐Crosser! 620 Why did the dog cross the road twice? Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang! 621 Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? A moon rock's a little meteor. 622 There's this guy with a wooden eye. He's very sensitive about it, so he doesn't get out much. One day, he sees an ad for a dance, and he decides to go. He gets there, and he sees an attractive young lady with a gigantic nose. He thinks to himself "Well, she has that huge nose. Maybe she'll be more accepting of my wooden eye." He walks over to her and says "Would you like to dance?" She replies "Oh! Wouldn't I!" He shouts "Big nose! Big nose!" 623 Guy is sitting in a bar. A beautiful woman walks in. She's a knock‐out and he can't take his eyes off her. She notices him and smiles. She sashays over and sits beside him. She looks into his eyes and tells him, "For $200 I'll do anything you want." He's astounded. "Anything?!", he asks her. "Yes, _anything_!", she replies. He takes out his wallet and slaps $200 on the bar. "Here's $200. Paint my house!" 624 A man came home from golfing one Saturday a little later than he usually did. His wife asked him why. "Bob had a heart attack and died right there on the 9th hole!" he explained. "Oh, my goodness, how horrible!" she exclaimed. "No wonder you're late!" "Yeah," he said. "For the whole rest of the course, it was 'hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball ...'" 625 someone was walking in street & carrying a rabbit, another one met him & ask: How much does this donkey cost? the man reply: it is not a donkey it is a rabbit, the another said: I didn't ask you I'm asking the rabbit :))
someone seeks after a lost key. "Can I have a glass of water?" The mother gave him a glass and he back upstairs. and one television turns to the other and says "we're not getting a great reception in here" 634 Why did the projector blush? Because it saw the film strip. a typewriter?" 636 Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck. She then saw her son and he asked. the mother said. "What do you think I am. 637 In a dark night. He told her that the other kids were teasing him. cups his hand over his mouth so as to direct his voice only to her ear. except for the lemon. no mayonnaise. I'll take two hamburgers. The librarian looks up at him.626 Whats the differance between a shark and a lemon? They both swim." replied the patient." The physician scratched his head. and an order of fries. The second one says. 627 What's blue and square? a banana in disguise 628 A mother put her child to sleep and then went to the kitchen. I lost it further down the road. and an order of fries. 635 Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes. "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No. shocked. 631 what goes haha bonk? a man laughing his head off! 632 "Doctor!" said the patient. Summoning up all the testy authority she can. the other asks: "Are you really sure that you lost your key right at this place?". and whispers. They kept . 638 A young lad came home after his first day at school was asked by his mother how did he enjoy his first day at school. Another helps seeking. The roof's on fire. "That's your third glass tonight! What's wrong with you? Why are you so thirsty?" "Oh!" said the little boy. no mayonnaise. Sir. and after half an hour on their knees. The first one asks the second one to pass him the soap. under a street lantern. we don't serve your kind in here". I'll take two hamburgers. The one answers: "No. but here the lightning is better!". The water's not for me." 633 Two televisions walk into a bar and the barman says "sorry. "just spots. Minutes later the boy returned asking for a glass again. The mother wondered what could make her child so thirsty and when he came back down asking for another glass of water. she says to him." 629 What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels 630 A man walks up to the main desk a library and says in a loud commanding voice to the librarian. this is a library! The man pauses for only a split second and then leans over close to her.
640 How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later. Waiter: There can't be. Sincerely. If the dog is at the door and he is wet. white card. "Well. Go to your back door and look for the dog. ''Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length!'' 645 A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Fancy a pint Vincent?" he asks "No thanks. "Listen to this. An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. too. The elephant said to the mouse.. We used them all in the raisin bread. especially if you expect bad weather.. He walks over. bright." he said to his wife. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and measuring tape. I've been ill haven't I!" 642 Customer: Waiter. to be able to tell the weather like this. dropping the tape and the whole thing is in a mess. resourceful and a great person." "Yeah.." his wife nodded. The CAT 644 A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.They keep falling off the ladder. "and it has your weight wrong. He asked her what could use to carry them in. She replied ‐‐‐‐ use your hat. it's probably raining. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way. gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. If the dog has snow on his back.. His mother told him to ignore them." Van Gogh replies. 639 Why aren't elephants allowed on the beach? They can't keep their trunks up. She then asked him to go the store and get ten pounds of potatoes. it's probably windy. Of course. 641 An elephant and a mouse were talking together. showing her a small." 646 A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh sitting in the corner. it is probably raining really hard. one manager turns to another and laughs.laughing and calling him big head. She also told him that there was nothing wrong with his head. pulls the flagpole out of the ground. "Why am I so big and strong and heavy and you are so tiny. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet. it's probably snowing. After the engineer left." . lay it flat.. "I've got one 'ere. "It says I'm energetic. weak and puny and grey?" The mouse said. measures it from end to end. 643 To Tell the weather. there's a fly in my soup. you have to leave the dog outside all the time.
The owner says. that's just a little competition.647 Man walks into a bar and immediately notices two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling. where do you live then?" and the other replies." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1. white and smooth they would be aspirin. my 't's or my 'h's." replies the psychic. The one orange says to the other.000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. What have an orange and a parrott got in commom? A." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!" 657 How do you keep an elephant from charging? . then you get a free drink. however. "I'm not telling you. the barman asked.000 dollars. 653 Did you hear about the man that was walking down the street and turned into a hotel? 654 A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. "Next year. 649 Q.". "If you can jump up and catch a piece of meat between your teeth. grey and wrinkled? Because if they were small. "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. "Oh. you'll nick my washing off the line!" 651 son to mother "there's a man at the door with a bill" mother to son "don't be silly it must be a duck with a hat on" 652 Why are elephants big." 648 A man goes to the doctors and says 'I have a problem doc. replied the man." "Great!" says the frog. he asks the barman. "I don't think so". you buy the whole bar a drink." Naturally. The doctor says 'well you can't say fairer than that'.". 656 A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.". Neither of them can drive a tractor. "the steaks are too high." 655 Q: How many pragmatists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. "So. in a biology class. the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2. it knows how to use a computer. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Will I meet her at a party?" "No. 650 Two oranges are walking down the road. "Well. "If you fail. the barman explained. I can't say my 'f's. "Would you like to have a go?". "What's with the meat?".
664 One dark foggy night. You truly are a kind man.It gasped.Immediately the car started to move again. His friend says. god. "Wow. the ghostly. Not being very good. it stopped! Through the windows I could see no‐one ‐ no driver. and bows down in prayer.Moments later the car stopped and I almost fell out. there's something wrong about this car!" The shadowy figure stopped. 665 Two farmers are standing by a fence. takes off his golf cap. closes his eys. and the duck escaped. Just as they agreed to leave. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.diddle I? 667 How do you get a philosopher off your porch? . nothing. butcher: what? man: I said a pound of kidleys! butcher: don´t you mean a pound of kidneys? man: that´s what I said. just as slowly! I froze. Skydiving isn't the sport for you.. because on average the bird was dead! 660 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. and then a voice croaked "I know. One turns to the other and says "Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?" The other cow says "Non. However. I've been pushing it for half a mile!" . they did not see a duck all day. well we were married 35 years. je suis Napoleon" 663 If at first you don't succeed." The man then replies. Both aimed and fired. they went home very happy. ‐ No? Then I suppose your barn is on fire.Take away his credit card! 658 What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on a head and I'll just hang around. I looked closer and then opened the passenger door(I was on that side)and braced myself to climb in. 662 Two cows in a field. I was walking alone on a narrow country road when out of the fog appeared a small car moving very slowly ‐ and with no sound! I jumped to the side of the road but as it drew level. kneeling on the seat clutching its back. shambling figure of a man drifted towards me out of the fog and I screamed out "Oh. a duck flew out in front of them. 666 a man walks into a butchers shop: man: a pound of kidleys please. One of them asks the other: ‐ Do your cows smoke? ‐ No. One shot went two metres to the left of the duck." 661 What do you call a mystic midget who has just escaped from prison? A small medium at large. the other two metres to the right.. 659 Two statisticians when duck hunting. He stops in mid‐swing.As I scrambled to my feet. that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. "Yeah.
we don't serve breakfast". . What do Cats like to eat for breakfast?. but is this a quiet neighborhood?" The realtor answers. It is neither rare nor well‐done. 678 A large hole appeared in the High Street this morning. Why is television called a medium? A. 679 A couple are out touring a house that they want to buy with a realtor when they ask the realtor. The police are looking into it. and the bartender says "Sorry. 668 What do u call a gingerbread man with only one leg?? Limp Biscuit 669 Q. "Sure. One says. What do you give dead bread? A. and no one heard a thing." 677 Q. "The house is very nice. this new hearing aid I got works great! I can hear everything now. 671 Q. "Boy. A toast‐mortem 672 Two television aeriels met on top of a roof and fell in love. The service was terrible ‐ but the reception was brilliant! 673 Where does a policeman live? 999 letsbe avenue. 681 If miss universe is not fixed then why are all the winners from earth 682 Bacon and eggs walks into a bar. seven robberies. "That's wonderful! What kind is it?" "It's a quarter past two.Pay for the pizza." 680 Time flies like the wind. and soon decided to get married. one to change the bulb and one to kick the chair out from underneath him. Fruit flies like a banana." The other one says. there have been six murders. 674 knock knock who's there? Alison Alison who? Alison Wonderland 675 What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic 676 Two elderly gentlemen were talking. A. Mice‐Krispies 670 How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two.
"she's my mistress. no more summers in Tuscany. my flowers came but it said: Rest In Peace on it" "Well I'm sorry" was the reply "But you think of these mourners at a funeral at the moment with flowers with a card saying: Congratulations on your new place" 692 what should you do if you get snow in your mouth? Just grit your teeth! 693 A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table. or the Caribbean. Pinocchio?" . A very old man approached and Jesus asked him. he replies. gives the husband a big kiss." Just then. I am going to hire the most aggressive." says her husband. are we supposed to be poisonous?" "No son. "I am sure there was a muck up in your delivery service. A few days later the florist receives phone call. " Is it. and no more country club. The wife replies. no more Cadillac STS in the garage.you. "You must be the chipmonk"." "I can understand that. says she'll see him later and walks away. Peter at the Pearly Gates. His wife glares at him and says. meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable. "Ours is prettier.On the first day of opening a woman comes in and sees one of the monks peeling spuds. It was the boss. father?" The old man peered back at him. is it. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife."How have you lived your life?" The old man replied. "but remember. and we'll have to sell the 26‐room house and move to two smaller homes. I'm the friar"!! 697 Jesus decided to help St.." Jesus looked closely at the old man." 694 I collect badgers. 695 What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist Tooth hurty 696 A monstery falls on hard times so 2 monks decide to open a FISH & CHIP bar.. "Is it you. if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West. "Who was that?!" "Oh." "Well that's the last straw.683 What did one snake say to another? "Mum. a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "I've had enough. so she says to him. A friend of his wanted to cocratulate him so he went to the local florist and asked if he could have some flowers delivered to the man." replies her husband.. "That's his mistress."I was a carpenter. why?" "Because I just bit my lip!" 691 A business owner has just moved places and was reopening soon. One day I'll have the full set. but the decision is yours."No." says the wife." replies the husband. He then asked the florist worker to write something clever to go with the flowers. I want a divorce.
"said Mary. As he was pondering this."Bark!" "Oh all right then." 701 A duck walks in to a postoffice and asks the postman: "Do you have any corn?" The postman answers politely: "No." "Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged." replied the farmer. The farmer said. "Let me tell you." 699 A man walks into a bar with a piece of tar mac under his arm. I'll nail your beak to the counter!!" The next day the duck returns to the store and asks: "Do you have any nails?" The postman answers:" No. my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks." the man asked." Woman says. "When you got a pig that terrific. "But a month ago. Woman says. John:I don`t want to go to school."she said.The teachers don`t like me. no. sir. He's not allowed on the couch. my husband thinks he's a dog. Can you help him?" Shrink says.eat your breakfast.you`ll be late for school. have him lie down on the couch. "Sure. you don't want to eat it all at once. "No. "Bark.698 Couple goes to a psychiatrist." 700 A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. we don't have any corn. we don't have any corn here. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!" "So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said." Then the duck asks:" Do you have any corn?" 702 A teacher was taking her class for a walk in the woods. "Doc. "Well sir. I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!" "So that's how he lost his leg. And just a week ago. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg. that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May. you don't want to eat it all at once.the children don`t like me‐even the caretaker doesn`t like me! ."said the teacher."said Mary. "Woof‐Woof!" 703 Mum:Come on. "No. Finally one day when the duck asks:" Do you have any corn?". "when you got a pig that terrific. "Oh no. and he dragged my kids to safety!" "Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked. "Now Mary. you silly girl." The next day the duck enters the store again and asks: "Do you have any corn?" A bit annoyed the postman answers: "No! We don't have any corn.John. "Oh. "What do you call the outside of a tree?! "I don`t miss. the postman gets so upset he yells: "NO! For the last time." the farmer replied. and if you ask again." This goes on for a couple of days. He says to the bar man " a pint for me and one for the road". the pig's owner came along.
recently accused George. 705 How do you confuse an idiot? Purple!! 706 Q. She then asked him to please go get it. "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!" 712 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Later that evening.. Apparently he fell asleep at the wheel! 709 One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well. George stared at her for a moment. John:Why should I go? Mum:Well. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. 704 There are two teddy bears in the airing cuboard.. he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. hand me the broom'. Why is Toblerone triangular? A. the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals. 710 Joan. "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.Mum. the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute.. 707 Q: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: The same middle name! 708 Did you hear about the Hamster found dead in his cage?.for one thing you`re forty five years old. of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. a local man.and for another your the headmaster. He left the broom on the back porch. and said nothing.. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. you must go. and his wife was sitting by his side. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.." . 711 There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery.. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day! 713 "This day holds a lot of meaning for me. I'll never forget that game of cards. So it will fit in the box. which one is in the army? Answer:The one on the tank." She said.All the same. His eyes fluttered open and he said. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too. don't be afraid'.
of the 10 most wanted men. and a woman I know intended to stock up. darling. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping. so she complained to the butcher. Inside the envelope is a note that reads: "What are you looking in here for?" 721 A worried Mrs. the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight. Finley looked up wide‐eyed and stated. "sit down. "How are you. why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry. I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk." 716 Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. and besides." 715 Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. "I suppose I'd limp too. On top of that." wondered the child. the police find an envelope. tacked to a bulletin board. "Oh. In one of his pockets. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.‐ Anon. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours. "Well." answered the policeman. "Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down "I can't" he said "I've drank it!" 717 A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures. "What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house. "Well. Finley. lady. when the trial started I thought I was innocent. I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy." Several aisles later. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh. that he woke up the missus. a doctor points out an X‐ray to a group of interns. Michael. what would you do in a case like this?" "Well. "Don't worry. but that was before I heard all the evidence against me. "I've had such a bad day. stood up and approached the judge's bench. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. At the store. darling?" it said. 714 After a trial had been going on for three days." said the intern. breaking into bitter tears." 720 A man commits suicide." he said." said the housewife. mother. however." "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinnes up the stairs" he shouted. "As you can see the patient is limping because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. "If you're guilty. "Your Honor. ." she said. I haven't had a chance to go shopping. "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" 718 While making his rounds. the man accused of committing the crimes. my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public‐address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store. "Yes.
two bad 729 What you call a snowman with a sun tan? A puddle! 730 If atheletes get athelete's foot. 737 What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A polo bear." "George?" said the housewife.relax.. 739 What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit? An egg! . please" Butcher: "Surely you mean kidneys." "Oh. 736 A man rushes into the doctors and says "Doctor doctor you've got to hep me I think I'm a pair of curtains". 734 Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they woul be called bagels! 735 Q: How many many balls of wool would it take to reach the moon. madam" Customer: "I said kidleys...Is this 555‐1374? "No. The doctor replies "Oh pull yourself together". In fact. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. this is 555‐1375. I dreamed I ate a 2‐ton marshmellow. Now stop crying. "Who's George?" "Why. "Does this mean you're not coming over?" 722 did you hear bout the three eggs. My Mother would nopt let me take it as she did not want me to pick up any dirty habits.. George! Your husband! . I'll do your shopping. 738 Why was the back end of a horse walking down the road? Because the front end was. clean up the house. what do astronauts get? Missile toe!! 731 Ted: I had the worst dream last night. Steve: What's wrong with that? Ted: When I woke up my pillow was gone 732 The scene is a butcher's shop Customer: "I'd like a pound of kidleys. didle I!" 733 I was offered a job in a monastery laundry. A: One. and close your eyes." There was a short pause and the housewife said. but it would need to be very large. I'm sorry. I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once. I'll do everything. and cook your dinner for you. I guess I have the wrong number.
Shut up went to the sweet shop and manners went to the fish and chip shop. In the fish and chip shop said shut up.. too.just pack & shove off!" 749 Ariel and Times New Roman walk into a bar. and he has to touch it. His wife decides to make a wish. and you sober up 753 What do you call a women who can juggle with beer? A." 748 This guy runs home and bursts in yelling. replies the butcher. . and throws in a penny. I've only got 50 seconds to live! DOCTOR: Just a Minute 742 A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher "Have you got a sheep's head?". all six numbers!" She says. The guy says. Beertrix 754 Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? Sold his soul to Santa. 743 why did the blind chicken cross the road? To get to the birds eye shop! 744 There were two boys called manners and shut up. I lied about it's shape and colour ! 747 A couple comes up to a wishing well.740 How is a lawyer different than and angry chicken? The angry chicken "clucks defiance"! 741 ME: doctor doctor. "Sorry fella's. your wife back. 751 What do you call a man with seagulls flying around his face? Cliff 752 What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your dog back. and drowns. I've just won the lottery. we don't serve your type in here" 750 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars. The Barman takes one look and says. 745 Docter docter I swallowed a camera? Lets hope nothing serious develops 746 What is square and blue? An orange. The shop keeper said to shut up. falls into the well. Tell him a bench has wet paint. it really works. "No". but she leans over too far. "Pack your bags sweetheart. "I don't care. What's your name and shut up said shut up. your house back. The shop keeper said that's not nice where's your manners. "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies. "it's just the way I part my hair". "Wow. makes a wish.. and he'll believe you. The guy leans over.
then you can choose your eternity" said St. They played golf and she enjoyed steak and lobster dinner." The Devil looked at her and grinned. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds.755 A cross and hungry panda went into a bar and. she stepped onto a beautiful golf course. When it was time to leave. demanded a bowl of free bar‐snacks. "Now you must choose your eternity" he said. Bedazzled he tries to think of something adequate but not too exaggerated. gobbled up all the snacks. "Welcome to Heaven. St. When the doors opened. Next morning The Sunday Times says: Brezhnev wishes to end famine for Christmas. In front of her were all her fellow HR professionals. The doors opened. 760 One day. everyone shook her hand and waved good‐bye. Heaven has been great but I think I had a better time in Hell. We've never once had HR manager make it this far. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable. and stalked out. Then he pulled out a revolver. "Yesterday I had great time here. They were all dressed in evening gowns. shot the bartender dead. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Johnson is desperately trying to make his drowsy brain work. She paused and then replied. she had great time telling jokes and dancing. Her soul arrived in heaven and she was met by St. there was a golf course and we ate lobster." So the panda grabbed the nearest bowl. "Well. playing the harp and singing.Peter put her in an elevator.Peter. "I don't understand. de Gaulle hopes all wars to end and Johnson likes to have after shave and a new pair of slippers. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed. Johnson and asks what he most wishes for Christmas. but today you're staff. 759 Early morning in december 1968 a journalist calls Lyndon B. a HR woman was hit by a bus and killed. She met the Devil who was a really nice guy." "Well I saw three of them in the window!" replied the man. it seems we have a problem. They ran up and kissed her." The shop keeper said. He eats shoots and leaves. "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you. "I'm sorry. without ordering a drink. she was standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage. and said "There's the six quid I owe you"." So she went down‐down‐down. Her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage for the evening meal. it went down‐down‐down. The patrons all asked each other "Who was that masked maurader?" The quiet little guy at the end of the bar calmly answered: "That was a panda. The bartender refused: "Those snacks are for paying patrons." she stammered. Before you get settled in." 756 What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same! 757 A man went to a pet shop and said "I'd like to buy some wasps please.Peter." 761 What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind after it hits the windshield of a car? It's rear end! . 758 A bloke handed his mate an octopus that looked to be at death's door. we don't sell wasps.
767 How is the new furniture store doing? Sofa so good! 768 Is it okay to kiss a nun? Yes but dont get into the Habit! 769 Why should you take care of your grandparents in an Indian restaurant? In case your Nan slips into a Korma! 770 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 771 Little Johnny is working away furiously in the woodwork room when the teacher enters. I can see you're nuts". don't look now I'm changing. 765 A guy walks into a doctor's office with a strawberry growing out of his head..762 what happens when monsters have a beauty contest? no‐one wins!!! 763 A small man jumped on a table in a bar and yelled: ‐ Show me an irishman. "a portable" replies Johnny. 774 whats the fastest milk in the world ? pasturised (past‐ur‐eyes(d)) . 773 knock knock Who's there? The ever interrupting cow.. walked to the little man and said: ‐ Here's an irishman. The psychiatrist said "Well. Johnny?" he asks. what do you call a cock that has a bad eye? Pupil: A cock‐eyed bird. The ever int. "what are you making there. 766 A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling‐film underpants. The doctor says "Don't worry ‐ I've got cream for that". MOOO. bodybuilder looking guy stood up. "a portable what?". Johnny replies "I don't know yet Sir. The little guy darted out of the door and yelled over his shoulder: ‐ And here goes the coward! 764 what did the traffic light say to the car. I've only made the handles!" 772 Teacher: Dude. and I'll show you a coward! A huge. The teacher looks puzzled.
the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. "Well. they're too tired to continue. Flying round and round the tree they are again getting angry as there are no cattle to be seen." "Sorry. where usually there are cattle to feed from. all are still hungry but one hangs there with blood on its face. The scientist made some quick calculations. "The best entertainers from New York." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager." he says." explains the manager. "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. and you could have." "That's right. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room. No matter what facility the manager mentions. well I dibn't!". "I would like a coffee. Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. No cream on it. you dob't wadt to gnow" which does nothing to calm them down so finally they are led off along the hedge and over the pastures to a big tree in the middle of a field. I am trying to out run you"! 779 Near dawn in a colony of Vampire bats. "But sir. he said "its no good trying to outrun it. its catching up". Could it be with no milk?" 781 What do you call a person who used to like tractors a lot? An ex‐tractor fan !! ." 778 A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. we ran out of cream. The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic‐sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. They all pester and nag "well it's alright for some! why don't you share this great feeding place with the rest of us?!" only to get told "Really. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. " she was here." says the man. the man insists on speaking to the manager. When they check out four hours later. but the bloody‐nosed bat just says "You all thee dis tree dob't you.775 why did Jim bring his car into school? Because he wanted to drive his teacher up the wall!!!! 776 two knights went into a hotel and said to the woman at reception 'i would like a room for two nights!!!!' 777 A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife. After almost twenty‐four hours on the road. but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "this check is only made out for $100. the man replies. He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. and they decide to stop for a rest. 780 A man walks into a pub where everybody else is having coffee with cream." the man replies. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion.
the drink is poured and the son drinks it down." 786 What do you get when you cross a penguin with a centipede? ‐ Cold feet. so he goes and asks the monk at the bottom of the cliff weather he can get a lift up. my name is Kermit Jagger and I want to take out a loan for $10. Surprised. the monk agrees and they begin the journey. 'give him another!' the father exclaims. About halfway through. He says "Good Morning Miss Wack. The man decides this would be an adventurous thing to do. 791 There was a young fellow who lost an eye in a farm accident. Being self conscious he felt it unlikely he would ever find a girlfriend. he stumbles outside and is promptly run over by a bus. then the son has all his limbs. Figuring she if anyone would be . he asks the monk "how often does this rope get replaced?" The monk thinks on this for a few seconds and replies "Whenever it breaks. the best his parents could manage was a home‐made wooden eye to fill the void. the father decides to love it and give it the life that it deserves. on his 18th birthday the father decides to take him down to the pub to give him his first ever drink. he takes it to the park and loves it as if it was a normal child. 785 A man on holiday in India soon finds out about a monastery. the man notices that the rope that basket is hoisted up on is very frayed. 784 why did the skeleton cross the road? to get to the body shop. doctor. fearful. he looks at her and replies "Nicknack Patty Wack give the frog a loan ‐ his old man's a Rolling Stone". you must have analogy. the father is amazed. Farmer 1: Do your cows smoke cigarettes??? Farmer 2: No. of course not!! Farmer 1: Then your barn is on fire. suddenly a body pops out of the head. 'Another!' cries the man. being hoisted up the cliff face. he decided to attend a dance. 787 PATIENT: Doctor. "Just a moment please" she says "I'll have to see the Manager". She goes into the Manager's office and says "There's a frog outside whose name is Kermit Jagger ‐ he wants a loan of $10. 790 A frog goes into a bank walks up to the teller whose name is Pat Wack. Coming from a poor family. DOCTOR: Ah.000 and all he can raise as collateral is a pink china elephant. high in the hills. the barman turns to the father and says ' he should have quit while he was ahead!' 783 Two farmers are standing at a fence talking. he is stumbling around the bar. Finally." She looks at him curiously "Do you have any collateral?" He holds up a pink china elephant "This is my collateral". I've come up in spots like cherries on a cake.000. the only way to get to it is to take a half hour ride in a basket. 788 Why did the dog go to bingo? So it could Winalot! 789 What's the black stuff between elephant's toes? SLOW ANTS.782 A woman gives birth and it is just a head with no body or limbs. After looking over the girls in attendance. he noticed a girl who had a very large nose sitting alone. the son drinks and arms pop out. after all he has never used them before. after much encouragement. 'give me a shot of absythe' the father asks the landlord.
and he kills it with his first shot. At this moment his brother comes out to see what is going on ‐ the farmer explains what has happened and points out the little old lady as she disappears into the distance. he decided to ask her to dance. Crossing the floor he said "Would you like to dance?" The happy girl leaped to her feet and squealed "Would I? Would I?". The grizzly says. One. then works her way around the field. 795 What do call a doll with sausages on her head? Barbie. The black bear says "You've got two choices." Troy bends over. He shouted back at her "Big nose!! Big nose!!". "You know. 792 A guy walks into a bar carrying a giraffe. but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. rubbing the nose of every cow in turn.Asks boy why. well". There's a tap on his shoulder. he sees a figure approaching slowly across the fields. "Bartender. she looks at the cows. While he is wondering what to to. it's a giraffe. So he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The old lady rubs the nose of the last cow and resumes her path across the fields. I maul you to death or Two. The bartend looks at him and says. He's sore for 2 days. he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range." Troy bends over for the bear." The guy looks at him and says gruffly. you can't just leave that lyin' over there. we have sex. you're not really coming up here for the hunting. The farmer stands amazed as his cows start to move around again. 796 Man comes home from work to find boy next door digging big hole in lawn. "Well I'm burying my goldfish Mr. and he turns around to see a big black bear. "Ah. "It's not a lion. but he recovers and vows revenge. He sets the giraffe down by the door and walks up to the bartender. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder." Man says "I'm sorry about your fish but why do you need such a big hole?" Boy replies "Well it's inside your cat!" 797 A farmer goes out one winter morning to find that all his cows are frozen solid where they stand. Slowly. The polar bear says. "That was a big mistake. are you?" 794 Why was Cinderella such a bad football player? Her coach was a pumpkin. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. . each cow starts to warm up and come back to life. give me a whisky. You've got 2 choices." he says. Troy heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear. "Either I maul you to death or we have sex.understanding about his wooden eye. he's outraged. "Hey. There is a tap on his shoulder. He survives. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. pal. says the brother. Sure enough." 793 A Hunting Trip Troy's all excited about his new rifle. "you know who that is. It is a little old lady. don't you? Thora Hird!". and.
By now. The shop keeper said "I'm sorry sir we don't do flies". what happened to the second husband?". very sad. he died quite suddenly". because that is just too much. what happened?". 801 what do you call a dog with no legs Anser. How did he get that?". The wife then said 'I want a divorce. The money didn't compensate for his loss". I AM sorry. Just then one of their friends came in to the restaurant with a georgous woman on his arm.' The wife looked again and said 'Ours is prettier!' 805 An Insurance Assesor is at a wedding reception. and asked. she replied. but it can never really compensate". but a pencil must be lead. Why was the rooser glued to the chicken? They ran out of tape.798 A man went into a pet shop and said "I'd like to buy a fly please". the Assessor was very suspicious. "So this is your fourth husband?". "Oh no". The wife asked 'Who's that with Bob? and her husband replied 'Oh. The insurance paid out. a hotdog 802 Q:what do you get if you mix a cow with a camel ??? A:Lumpy milkshakes 803 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup! 804 A man and wife were eating in a very exclusive restaurant when a georgeous woman came up to the table. "Another tragic case... "yes. he .' He replied that it was up to her. pur her arm around the man and gave him a kiss . "He died from a fractured skull!".' The wife said 'Who is that?' to which he replied 'That's my mistress. shopping in Paris or skiing in Gstaad. he too. that's right". "Did your third husband die from ingesting poisoned mushrooms?". "That's terrible. "Can I ask what happened to your first husband?". ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. she stated. "Oh. "Well. thats his mistress. but pointed out that there would no longer be a Lexus in the garage. and asks the bride. and said 'I'll see you later. Why did the chicken cross the road? 800 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. I AM VERY sorry. of course. "He unfortunately ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. Why did the rooster cross the road? He was glued to the chicken. "My word. "Well there was one in the window yesterday!" 799 You can take a horse to water. "Oh.
The following Christmas. the two enter again. the man and ostrich come again. "Got any carrots?" The butcher said. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. What do you call 100 penguins in TrafalgarSquare? A. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. The next day. so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me." says the man. "No! And if you come back tomorrow and ask if I have any carrots I'll nail your ears to the ceiling!" The rabbit went back to the butchers the next day and asked. late one evening. please?" repeats the snail." says the bartender. "No!" The rabbit went back to the butchers the next day and said. The barman says "You WHAT?".20.40 please. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well. a snail appears on the counter. "Excuse me sir. "Got any carrots?" The butcher said." and the ostrich says." and turns to the ostrich. "I'll have the same. The man says. "The usual?" asks the bartender. 813 A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. "What about you?" "I'll have a beer too. have you got any carrots?" 808 What do you call an Earl who is awarded an OBE? An earlobe. and asks for his order. "In that case. "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. "Got any carrots?" The butcher said. it's close to last call. snails don't drink beer" snarls the bar man and sweeps the snail off the bar on to the floor." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 809 What was the film about referees called? A) The umpire strikes back. "Don't be so stupid. "Got any nails?" The butcher said." and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. 810 Q. and the man says "I'll have a beer. "I'll have a beer. and as he sits. Lost 811 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! 812 Q: What's red & white on the outside. The barman asks "What do you want?". Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3. "No!" The rabbit went back the next day and said. whereupon the snail shouts "What did you do THAT for?" !!! (Not as good as my poisoned mushroom joke!) 807 A rabbit went into a butchers shop and said. in the same bar. "May I have a pint of beer. grey & white on the inside? A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup. This becomes a routine until. "No!" The rabbit said." says the ostrich. "That will be $7." says the ostrich. and asks the barman "Excuse me. the bartender comes over. My first wish was that if I ever had to .wouldn't eat the mushrooms!!!!" 806 A snail is on the bar one Christmas. can I have a pint of beer please?". "Well.
.A women raises her hand . sky is bluer.." 820 A priest conducts a service in a church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns" he says. 824 What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out of your ear when I'm talking to you! 825 Farmer Fred has an American farmer visiting him.K. Eat me"..pay for anything.Pointing at the three most handsom men in the church she says "I'll have him. The second kid says.. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns. I'm a buffalo in Montana!" 815 From the deepest." he said. what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs. The bartender asks. grass is greener Nothing to do but eat and sleep all day. Everything's better." The man replies "That's O. but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. the exact money is always there. sir."Well my mum is from Iceland and my dad is from Cuba. darkest Africa comes the cry of the Sandwich bird ‐ "Eat me." says the man.. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something.. Hi. You did get to Heaven." 814 A woman went to a seance and was successful in contacting her husband. That makes me an Irish‐American".him and him" 821 What's yellow and always pints north? A magnetic banana! 822 Q‐How do you hide an elephant? A‐Paint its toenails red and stick it in a cherry tree.. darkest jungles of deepest." "Oh. thank goodness. The assistant says "Sorry this is a greengrocers. and the right amount of money will always be there.The collection box comes back to him after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated a thousand pounds "who has donated a thousand pounds?" he asks. it works! 823 Two kids were talking in the playground.badminton 819 A man walks into a greengrocers and says "Can I have a hammer please?". "My mum is from Ireland and my dad is from America. I've got my bike outside. Q‐Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? A‐See." "Heaven?. "One other thing.So I guess that makes me an Icecube". 816 What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside? An elephant in a baggie! 817 What's green and likes snow? Ski‐weed 818 my dog minton ate all my shuttlecocks. The American farmer is boasting ." it's me.The first kid says.. I just put my hand in my pocket.
he missed one letter. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e‐mail address." 830 A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. Sure is hot down here. John would patiently hold Snooks up so she could munch an apple right off the twig.." 826 what do you call a fish with three eyes ? fiiish." says Bill. farmer John in the apple orchard holding his favorite. "Same as before. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. 831 A greyhound is sitting in pub. "Hey we have a whiskey named after . 833 Why is 6am like a pigs tail? Because it's twirly! 834 A horse walks into a bar and the bar man says. that it takes me two hours to drive around it by car.what's time to a pig!" 829 "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.. Unfortunately. "Will you look at that. and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife.S. It sits down beside another horse and starts to talk of its troubles. drinking its beer when the door opens and a horse comes in. It must some sort of disease" The dog interrupts "I can't believe it!. once I had such a car.about the size of his land in the United States: "My land is so big. When he reached his hotel. then move on to the next apple and the next. and fell to the floor dead. 827 what did the green man turn red? so would you if you had to change in the street 828 Bill happened by his neighbor's house one day. John. "not to interfere with your pastime but whyn't ya pick Snooks a bucket of them apples.' I thought 'That's a turn‐up for the books. too. He saw his friend. that's exactly what happened to me at Whitecity yesterday". he did his best to type it in from memory. The horses look at each in surprise. Red.but then. P. "That happening to all of us flat racers. Just got checked in. prize pig. At the sound.. The other horse commiserates. "Hello. he decided to send his wife a quick e‐mail. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. but no pun in ten did. When the grieving widow checked her e‐mail.. Des" says the horse "I get to within a hundred feet of the winning post and I fall over".. Bill. she took one look at the monitor.. let out a piercing scream. A talking dog!" 832 A man sees an ad for a joke contest in his local newspaper so he sends in ten puns." Farmer Fred is silent for a while. He gets a letter back from the newspaper thinking he win.it would save time!" "Eh'yeah. Then he nodds and says: "I know what you mean. it would.
."Steel one "says the barber". did it cause a revolution? 848 A man walks into a barbers shop. On closer inspection he saw that a dog was sitting opposite the old man and the dog was moving the chess pieces..No I want to pay for it 849 How many mystery crime novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. is it disgruntled? 847 When the wheel was invented. . but he has to give it a really good twist.. The visitor asked the old man if the dog was playing chess and he replied "yes". 840 What is ET short for? So that he fits in his spaceship. Because it can knot 837 What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers 838 How elephants can you get in a mini? Two in the front and two in the back! How do you know if there's been an elephant in the fridge? There's footprints in the butter! How do you know if there's been two elephants in the fridge? There's two footprints in the butter! How do you know there's been three elephants in the fridge? There's three footprints in the butter! How do you know if there's been four elephants in the fridge? There's a mini parked outside!! 839 I joined an origarmi club..He says"I want to buy a comb". "Not really" said the old man. . 841 What do you get when you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. Why can't a rope? A.you"!! The Horse says.sore arms! 843 What is a crocodile's favourite card game? snap 844 why can't you play poker in the jungle? because there is too many cheeters 845 A visitor to a small country town noticed an old man playing chess. "What. "I win more games than he does!". but it folded.. "That must be one exremely intelligent dog" said the visitor. 846 If a pig loses its voice. 842 what do you get hanging from apple trees? ..Fred"!! 835 Q: how do you tell if an ant is a male ant or a female ant. if it floats it's boy‐ant! 836 Q.. A: drop it in water..
"Yes" the Lone Ranger replies. my Father. "Sorry Tonto. So the Lone Ranger has his whiskey and Tonto goes outside and runs up and down to keep himself warm. run up and down to keep yourself warm" says the Lone Ranger. but this time he got beaten up really bad. Now he made up and excuse when his friends asked him. "would you mind waiting outside for a little while?" "But it cold outside" says Tonto. "Well. Its a cold desert night and the Lone Ranger fancies a whiskey or two to warm him up so they stop into a saloon. A few minutes later another cowboy walks into the bar. The barman is happy to serve the Lone Ranger but refuses to serve Tonto. "Well you left your injun running". so he went to the hospital and told the doctor everything that had happened and the doctor said "AHHHH yes there is a nasty bug going round. There are 5 people in my family ‐ this means that it is either my Mother. he answered and there stood a giant ANT that punched him in his eye. 851 A man was going to bed one night when there was a knock at the door. Anyway the next night the same happened again. so he said he had had a punch up in the pub. 855 A man went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter." and then the owner of the pet shop said: "sorry. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. because he thought he couldn't say he had been punched by an ant.850 Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding through the desert when they spy a small town on the horizon. 857 How do you get two whales in a car? Drive down the M4! 858 Man: Doctor. this is a pet shop. my Younger Brother Colin or ny Older Brother Ho Cha Chin. Doctor I feel like a goat!! Doctor: How long have you been feeling like this? . we don't do swaps!" 856 Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. struts up to the Lone Ranger and demands: "Are you the Lone Ranger?"." 852 A man walks into the doctors and says: "I think I'm Schizophrenic" The doctor replies "That makes 4 of us!" 853 Apparantly 1 in 4 people in the world are Chinese. but I really want this drink" says the Lone Ranger. But I think it is Colin! 854 A man goes into the doctors he says ' doctor doctor I feel like a dog' the doctor says 'sit on the couch I'll be with you in a minute' the man says 'I'm not allowed'.
the Count screams. A few minutes later. the tomato couldn't ketchup. my name is Hans and I wash the dishes for Yosfayce (pronounced yo's face). the lettuce was a head. John asked for the menu. "I won't say a word!" says the aristocrat. Except the tire. it was too late. she was. Yosfayce comes over to the table and says "I can't kill the Squid. Hans went to get the tank. and a lettuce decided to have a race. 864 What is the difference between a tire and a bench? ‐ None. John chose the Squid.John insisted that he was going to have the Squid. just as they release the blade. "Never!" cries the Count. dusty and tucked away behind the bookshelf? A: The 1974 hid'n seek champion! 869 John and Tracy were in a very posh restaurant. the Russian chef". When they checked their baggage." 866 My sister is reacting very slowly. "Last chance to talk!". "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "Wait. Who won? At the finish.I can't kill that". 868 What is old.John asked "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" The Waiter appeared. The captors said. and the faucet was still running. The moral of the story: Never hatchet your Counts before they chicken! 861 Q: How much did the pirate pay to get his ear pierced? A: A buccaneer 862 Why didn't the watermellon marry the honeydew? Because they cantalope! 863 Why did they only make one Yogi Bear? They made a Boo Boo of the second. and said "This means . They place his head in the guillotine. He will kill anything!"5 minutes later. wait. thanks. "I will not!" he replies. "They're carrion. Hans came back and said "I can't find Yosfayce or the waiter. They then draw the blade to the top of the guillotine. 865 As migration approached. "Talk to us or die!". 860 An noble aristocrat was captured during the French Revolution. 867 Why is being a test tube baby so great? You get a womb with a view. Then. so they decided to go by airplane. the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead racoons. alas. as it has lots of little hairs around its mouth." replied the vultures. but I will take your order" They had decided to have Squid. they're both made of wood. It has lots of hairs around its mouth". Last week trhis guy wanted to take advantage of her and before she could say she wasn't such kind of a girl. a faucet. he brought the menu to them but stated "I am not a waiter."OK" said Hans "I will find Yosfayce and get him to do it. and Hans removed it from the tank and rushed it to the kitchen. Hans returned "I cannot kill that squid. I'll talk!". But.Man: Ever since I was a kid!! 859 A tomato. two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south. "Tell us the names of the people you are hiding!". "No.
that pig saved the farm and the lives of my whole family.." said the farmer." "Why. one of them looks at the other and says. He puts an old ball on the tee. drivers please be aware!" Bob looks around and says "One? There are hundreds!" 876 knock knock whos there Canoe Canoe who? Canoe open the door plaese! 877 What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi! 878 A man visiting a farm notices a three legged pig hobbeling around... "Use the old ball!!" 873 Why couldn't the Prince Potato marry the BBC correspondent? Because she was a common‐tater. and it freed all the other animals in the barn and led them to safty. "What do you think? Do you think it's rabid? The second lady answered." "Then that pig opened the back door to the house and got us all out before we had come to harm." said the farmer.. 875 Bob recently bought a new car and is driving back home on the M1 highway.." said the visitor. Thinking it strange such an animal should be kept on a working farm. it's hot in here!" and the other one says... with mild green hairy lipped squid" 870 Two ladies was walking in the woods when they saw a raccoon on top of a tree stump." 871 Q: What are hippies? A: They're what leggies hang from. he asked the farmer about it. The first lady asked." "Oh I see. "a pig like that you just don't eat all at once. Suddenly the music on the radio is interrupted and a special boradcast is heard "This is breaking news. and they're sitting in an oven.." "That pig climbed out of its pen.Hans that do dishes can be soft as yosfayce. "Son. large pond between tee and green. "No." "There was a fire which started in the barn and had spread to the house while everybody was sleeping. 874 How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb? One. "that pig is a hero. it's a talking muffin!" 880 The night watchman was making his rounds and was surprised that no one was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. "oh my god. Hears a voice:"Use a new ball!" The old ball is replaced with a new one. "boy." 879 so there's these two talking muffins. "But why does the pig have only three legs?" "Why son. 872 Golfer on Par 3 tee. there one car going the wrong way on the highway M1. .then he takes a practice swing. raccoon.
. "That's NOT your deer. A drunk. "No. The next day another van was stolen. "Okay. His wife said "It is TOO." "No it's NOT!" said the man. "You kicked all your dirt off!" 882 After years of nagging.." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "Heard? Heard of what?" asks the city slicker. The police believe it was organised crime. empty grave.The watchman stared at the animal.. struggling to keep his balance on the edge of the grave. The man's voice kept insisting. oblivious to the weather. my deer. One day a voice comes to him and says "Come on ‐ Give me a chance! Buy a lottery ticket!" 885 What did one casket say to the other? That you coughin'? 886 On Monday a delivery van was stolen containing files and diaries. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. "Well. Just let me get my saddle off it.. The argument got louder and louder with his wife shouting about her killing her first deer. slippery walls. lady!" The husband started walking faster. I shot it!" he could hear his wife shouting. just up to my bosom would be fine. He goes to the gravesite and looks down incredulously." 884 A man prays to god every friday: "Oh God let me win the state lottery" . "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No.no wonder.." the drunk replies.. no." pleaded the dog. wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.. the wife was finally going deer hunting with her husband. the weary voice of the man was heard admitting defeat. This is just part of my job. lady. Don't get into trouble. "I'll drop you off here and go park the car." says her husband. Walking back he could hear a heated argument between his wife and some man. So she called the dairyman out to measure the tub and find out how much milk she would need and how much it would cost. Making conversation with the cow‐hand. "Please don't. this time containing filing cabinets. it's YOUR deer. "What's the matter? Look at me! I'm wet and I'm freezing. "Do you want it pasteurized?" And she said. "Help me!" the stranded man pleads. what's the matter?" the drunk asks. he asks "Are we going to be driving that bunch of cows over there?" "Herd" is the cowhand's reply. I shot it and it's mine. If that man finds out I can talk he will make me answer the phone as well!" 881 A man hurrying home on a cold rainy night takes a shortcut through the local cemetery and falls into an freshly dug.." the man shouts in exasperation. "Well. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet. is wending his way through the graveyard when he hears the frantic crys." 883 One woman had always wanted to take a bath in a tub filled with warm milk. 887 A city feller goes to a dude ranch and arrives in the evening.. "Herd of COWS" replies .. He began measuring and asked her. "Don't be surprised. Finally. He drove the car down the road and parked it. "It's my deer. The dog looked up and said.
the fellow replied. All hands are reported lost.' he said. They had a packet of cigarettes." 891 A man goes to see the doctor ‐ Man ‐ Doctor." says the indignant city dweller. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. after all. Where's the boat?" 890 A cocker spaniel limps into a bar and says to the bartender. though. 895 What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out. "Where am I?". After a week the parrot said: "OK. he asks. The audience would be different each week. such as Russian. All passengers have been marooned. yet technically correct answer?" The fellow on the ground yells. but did not utter a word. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look. 'Yeah. 893 A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint. right.the cow‐hand. he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.' . "There's a bunch of 'em right over there!" 888 Three men were on a boat and they wanted a smoke. "Because you don't know where you are. the fellow replies. They stared at each other with hate. 'In English. and how long have you felt this way? Man ‐ about a YEEEEEEHAAAAAAA! 892 A man in a balloon calls down to a fellow on the ground. One day the ship had an accident and sank. "'Course I've heard of cows. 894 A ship carrying artificial limbs has sunk. or where you are going. "You're in a balloon". there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. it's not the same hat" "Look. 896 A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. This went on for a day and another and another. a double negative is still a negative. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. I give up. They threw one of the cigarettes overboard and then the boat was a cigarette lighter! 889 A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. it was. So how did they get to have their smoke? Don't know? Simple. says the man in the balloon ‐ "for where else could I receive such a useless.' A voice from the back of the room piped up. but no matches. back: "Very good guess! I am a software engineer ‐ you must be a manager!" The startled man in the balloon admits this is true and asks how the fellow on the ground knew this. so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. and are still in the same situation you were before asking for my help ‐ but now you've somehow managed to make it my fault". In some languages. 'A double negative forms a positive. the captain's parrot. why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. "You must be a software engineer". However. of course. Doctor I feel like a cowboy! Doc ‐ Mmmmmm.
903 Q: why did the football coach go to the bank ? A: to get his quarterback! ." 901 Two men on the 9th tee tire of waiting for two women to get off the fairway. Bob was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him. with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. He shook the bird. One man approaches them but before he reaches the women he does an abrupt U turn.. and quickly opened the freezer door.897 What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that will chew your leg off then run for help. and the bird got madder and more rude. so his parents sent him to catholic private school. isn't it!" 902 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. I just knew they were'nt messing around. "Well. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said. "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions. playing soft music. On the first day he came rushing back home and started working furiously on his math. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing. The second man agrees to go but also does a U turn before reaching the ladies and explains to his partner on returning "Small world. to say the least.. He yelled at the bird. rude. you're really working hard!" Johnny looked up and said. suddenly. Bob was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird. those that weren't expletives were. Johnny. Finally. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour". On to hold the giraffe and one to put the clocks in the bath tub. when the parrot continued. in a moment of desperation. "May I ask what the Chicken did?" 899 Q: How do mommy brooms and daddy brooms make baby brooms? A: They sweep together! Johnny was having trouble in math 900 Johnny was having trouble in math. and the bird got worse. Bob tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words. Every other word was an expletive. He did the same after supper. Nothing worked. "Wow. and I ask your forgiveness. The parrot was fully grown. there was absolute quiet. kicking and screaming and then. 898 Bob received a parrot for his birthday. Bob put the parrot in the freezer.anything he could think of. and explains to his partner that one of the women is his wife and the other is his girl friend. His mother was impressed and commented to him. squawking. when I went in there and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign.
I missed the bugger!" Suddenly a there was a large clapp of thunder and a lightning bolt pierced the air and killed the Victor. and 57 legs coming down?" The man searched in every resource he had and eventually gave up and gave the lady $2000. "I'm not sure. "Well." 906 A Victor was out playing golf with his good friend John. and dies. They climb up to the bell tower to take a few pictures. And a voice from the sky said. and one prowls on the hairy 910 A man was driving a convertible with three penquins in the back seat. falls from the tower. metal plate. who was that?" the man wonders. appears and exclaims: "I must ring the bell!" He runs into the bell. The waitress serves him his eggs benedict on a large and very shiny. but he was a dead ringer for the other guy. but if you can't answer." On the next hole the Victor staid close to John offering quiet support. "but his face certainly rings a bell. you give me $5 and then you ask me a question and I give you $5 if I can't answer?" "No" "How about if when I can't answer. to which his wife replies: "I don't know. and then falls from the tower to his death below. "Now John. 905 A guy goes into a restaurant on Christmas morning for breakfast. After a few holes John was getting frustrated as he was not that good a golfer. I missed the bugger!". "Damn. "Damn. but he ignores them and cries: "I must ring the bell!" He then runs face first into the enormous church bell. I give you $2000?" "OK" "What is the top speed of an Indian fruit bat?" The lady gave him $5 and asked him. The Victor said. I missed the bugger!" 907 What do otters say when they get stuck in seaweed?? Kelp!! Kelp!! 908 A couple is vacationing somewhere in France. The guy says. and there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise. "Hello. "What has 15 legs going up a hill. 137 legs at the top. "Who was that?" the man asks his wife. ringing it.904 A scientist who thought he knew everything was going on a business trip." they greet him. A second hunch‐back. Finally when he missed an easy putt he blurted out. He asked her. you must be careful as God may punish you if you say that again. I give you $1000. you only have to give me $5?" "No" "How about if I can't answer." 909 What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie. . One fine afternoon. he sat next to a lady." she answers. "What is the answer?" The lady gave him $5. and there they find a little hunch‐backed man." Follow up: The next day the couple returns to the tower. identicle to the first. then asked. what's with this plate? The waitress says: "It's Christmas. . As John missed an even easier putt he shouted "Damn. He stopped at a . "Do you want to play a game where I ask you a question and if you can't answer. they visit a historic church. On the airplane.
"I've been driving around with these penguins for days now. Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? A: Monkey see. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. monkey do.000 ." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes. "What was the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said." the man replied." the man said. the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. They searched for days and couldn't find her.. 912 An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. Thanks!" said the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled. It read: "Sir. so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because he was tied to the first monkey.we went out to a new restaurant. and after eating. A week later the same guy stops at the same gas station‐ the penguins are still in the back seat." "Why don't you take them to the zoo?" the attendant suggested. The attendant says to him. when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. "Hey. I don't know what to do with them. "Rose. I would recommend it very highly. "That's a great idea. "Last night. and it was really great. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon. "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?? You know. "We had a blast‐ today we're going to the beach!" 911 Q: Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because he was dead.. what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" 915 a dog comes into a bar and asks for a beer the bartender.. ." The other man said. we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. a little surprised serves the dog the beer the dog drinks the beer and asks for the bill "it'll be 10 dollars" says the bartender the dog pays and is leaving through the door when the bartender says "it is not usual to have dogs here drinking" the dog hears and answers "for 10 dollars a beer no dog can keep drinking here" 944 How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. Q: Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? A: Peer pressure. One turned to the other and said "Don't those long words tickle your bum?" 914 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50. The two elderly gentlemen were talking. sorry to inform you. I thought you were going to take them to the zoo?" "I did. the one that is red and has thorns.gas station and said to the attendant. and one said..please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re‐bait the trap" 913 Two magpies were sitting on the telegraph wires.
had dark eyes. an athletic build. has a big mouth. Why do squirrels swim on their backs? A. dark wavy hair.945 A wife went to the police station with her next‐door neighbor to report her husband was missing.'Doctor my wife thinks she's a four poster bed. 953 What is the definition of pain? A one‐armed man hanging off a cliff with an itchy bum. To keep their nuts dry. "He's 35 years old." The wife replied. she needs to go into care. "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches. 'In that case. weighs 185 pounds. "But" protests the chap "I've only got a sore knee!". 950 What do you call a dry parrot? Polyunsaturated 951 The court was investigating an accident Judge: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. who examines him and says "Hmmm. 'But what will I sleep on' 956 Q. You wake up in the fireplace. 952 Chap goes to the doctor.' doctor replies. The policeman asked for a description." 958 Q. She said. "I know" says the doctor "but I hate that bloke across the road". chubby. but who wants HIM back?" 946 Why was tigger looking in the toilet? to find pooh 947 What fizzy drink does a frog drink? Croca cola 948 What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same! 949 Q: What's yellow and can't waterski? A: A bulldozer. go over to the window and stick your tongue out". 6 foot 4. OK. 954 Why are girraffes necks so long? Because their heads are so far away. How do you know that you have slept like a log? A. and is good to the children. bald. "Yeah. 957 "I don´t care whose son you are. and is mean to your children.' husband responds. . is soft‐spoken. 955 husband tells doctor. I don´t want you walking on the water here where I am fishing and scaring the fishes away." The next‐door neighbor protested.
" Her friend glared at her. Why says the patient "I've only just come in. send me and my husband on a first class luxurious cruise' *POOF* she's suddenly . The wife sees a dirty lamp. 961 Q: What did one chimney say to the other A: your to young to smoke 962 It's a contest." 960 man goes into a doctors surgery. but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is. she explains the situation and show's her manager the keyring.' The wife says 'i want to sail around the world. magically. and as he preached. 967 A couple in their sixties are walking along the beach to admire the sunset. "Yeah.. The object is they say a phrase and have to fill in the blank and spell the word.' the genie says. Do you know what it could be? Gout says the doctor. Yard Y A R D. their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 964 The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. Sally Whack. There's three contestants. "How soon do you need to know?" 966 what did one strawberry say to the other strawbery? if you weren't so fresh last night we wouldn't be in this jam..I know we've been friends for a long time. a genie appears out of nowhere and thanks the couple profusely for freeing him from his imprisonment. "If he gets loose. Curious. The Teller say's "Hello my name is Sally Whack. 963 A dog called "Rufus Jagger" walks into a bank. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. he answered. Then he moved to one side.. will he hurt us?" 965 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. After several circles and jerks. Lately. EIEIO. First contestant ‐ "old macdonald had a _______" First contestant says house H O U S E. I've thought and thought. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.. 'i'll grant you each one wish. I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. 'as a reward. he moved briskly about the platform. I've got a pain in my leg. Wrong!!!! Third contestant "old macdonald had a ________" farm. how can I help you". When I asked if he was getting any flies. 3 males and 2 females". The manager say's "It's a nick nack Sally Whack give the dog a loan his old man's a rolling stone". Doctor. baffeled by what's happening picks up the keyring and calls her manager. and the husband stoops down to dust it off. Wrong!!!! Second contestant "old macdonald had a _______". a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered.959 Stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter. Finally she said. getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripped before jerking it again. but I just can't remember your name. He answered. jerking the mike cord as he went. The dog puts a keyring with a little toy elephant attached to it onto the counter and says "I'd like a loan please". "Now don't get mad at me.
973 Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a bicycle? A: They both climb trees except the bicycle. & he didn't see his wife. I'm a helicopter!" 969 Two gangsters walk into a grocery store and while they are walking through the Vegetable aisle one gangster says to the other . when another guy comes up and puts his hand in his pocket.holding two tickets on the finest ship around the world.. 968 One cow says to the other. Tuesday & Wednesday came and went with the same results. red.. he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck... instead of going home. he responded. and leans in close to the genie 'i want a wife that is thirty years younger than me' *POOF* and he's suddenly ninety years old." Monday went by. But. Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. sir?' the husband looks at his wife. stealing several valuable paintings. yellow. 'and for you. . 974 The old man was sitting on the bench starring at a teen‐age boy with his spiked.. When he finally got home Sunday night. his wife stopped nagging and simply said to him. " That would be fine with me.. "What do you think your doin?" the guy asks.... When asked how he could pull off such a heist and yet get arrested so easily. he was confronted by his very angry wife. 971 A man left for work one Friday afternoon. said the old man. "I had no Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh. Finally.haven't you ever done anything wild in your days??" "YUP. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied. he was stopped and arrested just a few blocks away from the museum at a gas station.."Hey. the kid says "what's the matter old man. the genie turns to the husband. 2 for a Dollar!! 970 What do you call a 450‐pound canary sitting in a tree? Sir. look at that. green and orange hair.Artie‐chokes." 977 Why do mermaids wear seashells? Beacause B‐shells are too small and D‐shells are too big! 978 A guy is waiting to cross the traffic lights as a pedestrian. 972 Nothing succeeds like a budgie without a beak. thought you might be my son!" 975 What do you call a man with a car on his head ? Jack 976 A master French thief decides to pull off a huge job at the Louvre. "Well why don't you just ask??'" says the first guy "I don't like talkin to strangers!!'" comes the reply. "Just lookin for a light" the guy says. and was barraged for 2 hours. made love to a parrot once.. However. "Arn't you just so worried about the mad cow disease?" The other answers "Why should I worry? I'm not a cow.
986 What do you call a fish thats not very smart? A dumb bass 987 did you hear about the boy whos nose grew 11inches? he thought it might turn into a foot 988 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? 10: 1 to change the lightbulb. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. "mmmmm." But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob... don't worry about it.... trying to reassure him: "Bob. within himself. smells the air. he couldn't. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice...Bubbles is the girl next‐door. 981 Wanna hear a dirty joke?. 991 Why do Skodas have two exhaust pipes? Wheelbarrow...A: you get repossesed 985 Why don't gypsies play rugby? ‐ Because they have crystal balls. 982 It's spring time and a family of moles decides it's time to come out of hibernation. "mmmm.Wanna hear another dirty joke?. A train station is where a train stops. so he smells the air and says." .. smells like bacon.." The baby mole tries to stick his head out. . but there isn't enough room. 984 Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorsist. and 9 to wrestle with the giant gecko in the bathroom! 989 Why do Skoda's have rear windscreen warmers? To keep your hands warm when your pushing it! 990 What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip. smells like molasses.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it... And you're single.Billy took a bath with bubbles. "mmmm. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients. .. smells the air and says. and says. 992 Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.Billy fell in the mud." The momma mole sticks her head out.. smells like pancakes.. and you won't be the last. On my desk I have a work station.979 What do you get when you cross a pitt bull with lassie? A dog that bites your leg then goes and gets help 980 What time is it when an elephant sits on a lawn chair? Time to get a new lawn chair. Let it go.. you're a vet. The daddy mole sticks his head out of the ground." 983 A bus station is where a bus stops..Wanna hear a clean joke?.
The smaller one asks: Shall we walk home or take a dog ? 996 A guy walks out to his porch one day and sees a snail crawling across the step. Two years later he hears a soft knocking on the door.993 How many religious education teacher's does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. quietly ‐ not hollering and screaming like all the other people in his car. but then you have to become statues again for the rest of your lives. He picks up the snail and throws it across the lawn. into the street. Like all good statues they are nude and covered in bird poop. Sounds of true enjoyment emanate from the bushes and then they return about 5 minutes later. are standing in a park. 998 I am now on a seafood diet! I see food and I eat it!! 999 So these two statues. he goes to the door and opens it. says "Well what was *that* about?" 997 What do you call a sheep with no head or legs? A cloud. . looking up from the ground at him. 994 Why did the bird with one eye cross the road To get two birdseye factory 995 Two bugs go out of a concert. So they both run off behind the bushes. The angel asks "Why don't you use your whole ten minutes?" The woman turns to the man and says "I guess we could do it again. one of a man and one of a woman. but this time you hold the bird's head and I'll poop on it." 1000 Did you hear the one about the Magician who was walking down the street when he turned into a Restaurant? 1001 When I die I would like to go like my grandfather ‐ in his sleep. One day an angel comes down and says to them "I am going to animate you for 10 minutes and for those 10 minutes you can do whatever you want. The snail. and their God of choice.
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