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There is little success where there is little laughter. ~Andrew Carnegie Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg. ~Author Unknown
What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
1 This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse‐like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...." 2 Q. What do you get when Godzilla steps on your house? A. Mushrooms. 3 What is a baby bee ‐ A little humbug
4 Did you hear about the man who lived in a tyre? He had a puncture so now he lives in a flat! 5 A man is goes to his doctor because he is not feeling well. The doctor determines his condition is very serious and tells the man he does not have long to live. The man asks how much longer he has and the doctor replies "10, 9, 8, 7, ..." 6 Did you hear about the cowboy who got caught shoplifting? He got two yeehars!! 7 As a teacher I was trying to get my students to understand what a "pun" was. I gave them 10 examples but was not successful. They could not understand any of them. You might say that no pun in ten did! 8 A pig farmer is having trouble getting his pigs to breed. So, he asks a friend what he thinks is wrong. The friend tells him that this happened to him once, and that the pigs don't know how to breed. His friend says that when it happened to him, he had to show each pig what it was supposed to do. Well, the pig farmer feels pretty stupid about this, but decides to give it a try. But in order to avoid anyone seeing this, he piles the pigs up in the truck and drives them to a hidden part of the farm, way in the back. He "teaches" of all the pigs, which exhausts him and then hauls them back to the pen. The next morning he asks his wife to check if the pigs are breeding, she tell him they aren't. Wearily, he goes out and "teaches" them all over again. The next morning he asks his wife if they are breeding yet and she says "No". Frustrated and exhausted, he asks, "Well, what are they doing?!?!" To which his wife replies, "Sitting in the truck, honking the horn." 9 What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOON!!!!!!!!!! 10 A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he went to the kitchen to raid the fridge. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. In a panic, she shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctors office, the man lifts his wifeÌs coat to show their predicament. The man asked, `Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?` `Well, yes.` the doctor replied. `But never framed.` 11 A flash flood swept over an area, stranding a man in his house. As the water rose, a rescue team came by in a boat. "Get in," the rescuers said. "We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The rains continued and soon the man was forced up onto his roof to avoid drowning. Soon, another boat came by. "Sir, please get in," the rescuers in this boat said. "The waters are rising. We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man again. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The boat left, and soon the man was barely able to keep his head above the water. The water became rougher and a helicopter was dispatched to save the man. "We'll lower a rope. Get in the copter!" yelled the rescuers from above. "The water shows no sign of abating. You're sure to drown!" Once again, the man refused. "I have faith in the Lord," he said calmly. "He will
save me." Eventually, the man did, in fact, drown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Lord and approached him. "What happened?" asked the man. I had faith that you would save me from drowning. Why didn't you?" "Hey," replied the Lord. "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" 12 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 13 A flash flood swept over an area, stranding a man in his house. As the water rose, a rescue team came by in a boat. "Get in," the rescuers said. "We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The rains continued and soon the man was forced up onto his roof to avoid drowning. Soon, another boat came by. "Sir, please get in," the rescuers in this boat said. "The waters are rising. We'll take you to safety. "No," said the man again. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me." The boat left, and soon the man was barely able to keep his head above the water. The water became rougher and a helicopter was dispatched to save the man. "We'll lower a rope. Get in the copter!" yelled the rescuers from above. "The water shows no sign of abating. You're sure to drown!" Once again, the man refused. "I have faith in the Lord," he said calmly. "He will save me." Eventually, the man did, in fact, drown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Lord and approached him. "What happened?" asked the man. I had faith that you would save me from drowning. Why didn't you?" "Hey," replied the Lord. "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" 14 Q. What is Big, Red & eats Rocks? A. A big red rock eater! 15 If a wheel falls off a bus while traveling down a river, how long will it take to shingle a dog house? None, because there's no bones in cottage cheese! 16 Matt: I got a set of golf clubs for my wife. Ben: Nice trade. 17 Two guys were walking on the street when one of them says: "I've realized that my wife is an angel." "Mine isn't human, either", said the second. 18 Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield! "Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination," shouts the second. She switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and hisses even more loudly! "What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican!" says the second. Dracula steams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns. "Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second. So the nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY FREAKIN' HOOD!!" 19 Question: What is a honeymooner's sandwich? Answer: Lettuce alone! 20 What's a Grecian Urn? About 50 Drachma a day 21 Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree. A: Because it was dead! Q: Why did the Kookaburra fall out of the tree A: Because it was hit by a falling dead Koala Q: Why do Kangaroo's jump A: To miss all the dead Koala's. 22 Q: What can you tell when your drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth? A: The stage is level. 23 A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice. The next day when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again the man ignores the voice, though he is very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man hears the same voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas. The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's. As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17." Nervously, the man cashes in his money for chips and then puts them all on 17. The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball goes. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
33 A drummer gets fed up with all the comments denying he's a real musician. face down under a cow? Answer: A PAT ON THE BACK! 28 How did the elephant get on the tree? Sat on an acorn and waited for it to grow. and so he decides to learn some new instruments. "I'll have the shiny red one. "I'll do you a deal" ays the Music Shop Manager. I hate it when you do that. and it can take years. a woman shrieks. the crowd stops and begins to slink away. and spends an hour looking around and deliberating.When is a vet busiest? A. 29 Whats a canibles favourite game? Swallow my leader! 30 if a fly and a flee pass each other what time is it? Fly past flee! 31 Q. 36 Q.One pours with rain and the other roars with pain. He steps into the fray and calls out in a commanding voice: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. "Right!" He says.Why was the Egtptian girl worried? A. "Damn... .What's the difference between a rainstorm and a lion with a toothace." 24 How many ears did Davy Crockett have? Three." 27 What do you get if you lie. "Stone her!". Mom.Jasons Donervan! 26 Jesus Christ walks up to an angry mob that is stoning a harlot. goes to the woman and says: "Damn it.Because her Daddy was a mummy! 32 Q : How many psychanalysts are needed to change a light bulb ? A : One is enough. and the accordion thing over there". Suddenly. 34 Q. A left ear.. and the mob starts again with the frenzied stoning. 28 Where does Kylie get her keebabs from? . "You can but the fire extinguisher. A.When its raining cats and dogs! 35 Q) What is the difference between illegal and unlawful? A) One is against the law and the other is a sick bird. but the bulb must want to change. chagrined. a right ear." Shamefaced. How did the elephant get off the tree? Sat on a leaf and waited till Autumn.The voice says. Christ. but the radiator is staying where it is".. He visits his local Music shop. after an age. and a wild front ear.
45 Three budgies in a cage. one on the top perch. 52 Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? A: You should never press your luck! 53 What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs. what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question. but it's only the shopping trolley that has a mind of its own. then she is old enough to get a straight answer. replied the other. who was working in the yard. the other two are on higher perches. the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off. and no body? The Head. 39 What kind of murderer has fiber? A cereal killer. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea. "Does your dog bite". 42 Q. One man says to the other. you kick it in the ice hole. 50 what do you call a fly with no wings? a walk. but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question. 43 Why do Marxists like fruit infusions? Because all proper tea is theft! 44 What was born to succeed? A budgie with a blunt beak.37 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 38 What kind of pig can you ignore at a party? A wild bore. 40 A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. 54 An 8‐year‐old girl went to her dad. one on the middle and one on the bottom perch. "Thats not my dog". 51 What do you call a teacher with no arms. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. She asked him. How do you catch a polar bear? A. 41 Q: What's the difference between a shoping trolley and a University vice chancellor? A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can. "Daddy.. .. no legs. Which Budgie owns the cage? The one on the bottom perch.
" says the other owl. ragged piece of string walks into the bar. 67 An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he's seen his missing electron. One of the owls is just about to play his shot. "Hey." 62 There were two cows in a field. 56 What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. He calls over. it just gave a little wine. The dog replies "I'm looking fo the man that shot my paw" 66 Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship.He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. "Two hits to who?" says the first. One clown says to the other. It comes down to the last frame. "Here ‐ are you that piece of string that was here ten minutes ago?" asks the barman ‐ "No" replies the string "I'm a frayed knot" 59 there are these two sausages sizzling in a frying pan. the string downs it and walks out." 55 Did you hear about the ice‐cream man. the barman asks him what he wants. when his wing accidentally touches a ball. clean string goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. he was found dead in his ice‐cream van. "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied. it's hot in here" and the second one turns around and goes "AAAAH!. Ten minutes later a dirty. twisted. One said "moo". 61 A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine. 60 Q ‐ what did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A ‐ Nothing. the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs. Van Gogh! Want a drink?" and Van Gogh replies. The barman serves the drink. "Does this taste funny to you?" 58 A piece of straight. covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds‐and‐thousands? The police said that he had ?topped? himself. "No thanks. The father asked her. "That's two hits. a talking sausage". . 57 Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. I've got one 'ere. the one turns to the other and says "gees. When he finished explaining. the other one said "I was going to say that!" 64 What did the landlord say as he threw Shakespeare out of his pub? "You're Bard!" 65 A three legged dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. fell in love and got married. asks the bartender. green grass of home" in my head. The bartender says to the mushroom.." the Genie says to the professor. The bartender says: "Why the long face?" 74 A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything. "I want to be in Hawaii.. "I usually only grant three wishes. relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo. Doctor : "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient : "Is it common ?" Doctor : "It's not unusual 69 Two aerials met on a roof.Doctor . 78 Q. "I'm positive". The Genie says. 70 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog ! 71 What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A Wonky 72 What?s brown and sticky? A stick 73 A horse walks in to a bar. 80 A grad student." The mushroom says "why not I'm a fun guy" 76 What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? "Close the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?" 77 PATIENT." Poof! He's gone. so I'll give each of you just one.Next please." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student." 75 A mushroom walks into a bar. "I want to be in the Bahamas." Poof! He's gone. "You're next.. people keep ignoring me. "Me next! Me next!" says the post‐doc. replies the atom. a post‐doc. 79 ‐ How long did Cain hate his brother? ‐? ‐ As long as he was able. "Hey we don't serve your kind here. driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant."Are you sure she's missing". DOCTOR. . (this is definitely a joke for science‐minded people only) 68 Patient : "Doctor I keep hearing "The green...
" Is this a joke?" 94 A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor. "That sounds good. The man is incredulous and asks why." "Okay. "Is the bartender here?" 92 A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. "Got any grapes!" The penguin asks! 82 "I got that job down the bowling alley". 91 A termite walks into a cocktail lounge." He replies. On the third day the teller replies. he .. "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch." 89 A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says. don't do it then". and the vet says "because he is far too heavy. then. it hurts when I do this". I'll have a glass of blood too." 81 A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller. and asks a customer." Replies the teller. and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!" On the next the penguin walks in and asks. dyslexic. "I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire. what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire. "Do you have any grapes?" "No. I'm really worried about my brother. 86 Q: Did you hear about the Ice Cream Sales man that was found dead in his store covered in chocolate sauce and syrup? A: Police think he topped himself! 87 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 2 ‐ 1 to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools. it started as this growth on my foot. "Okay. I'll have to put this dog down".The professor says. "That's two bloods and a blood light. "Well. The barman looks at the bear and says "why the big paws?" 90 What does an agnostic. The doctor says "What can I do for you?" and the penguin says "well doc." No." Got any nails? "No. The polar bear hangs his head and sighs deeply and then sayss "I'll have a pint of bitter barman". The vet says "I'm sorry. "What tenpin". "No it's permanent" 83 A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar. the barman asks. This same thing happens the next day. Bartender asks the first one what he wants. "I think I'll have a glass of blood." "And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire. 88 Three vampires are sitting at a bar." said the bartender. "what would you like to drink?"." 84 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor." 93 An Englishman. and raises his arm. says the doctor. insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog..
" The first hiker replied. He eats an orange." Before you criticize someone. a golfer on one of the greens stops. the barman replies " Well you're clearly out of your head. you sold me a blind horse. After checking in and seeing his room. the businessman decides he can do this. "I don't have to outrun the bear. Then he . one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. 96 A brain and a pair of jumpleads walks into a bar. chug his beer and then jump out the window. walk a mile in their shoes 100 Before you criticize someone. stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. we need the eggs!" 95 A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. chugs his beer. 103 As a funeral train passes by a golf course. and the guy says "Don't be stupid. you'll be a mile away and have their shoes. "Why bother changing out of your boots? You can't outrun a bear. and jumps out the window.thinks he's a Hen!" The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?". I only have to outrun you. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. The breeder said that horse aint looking so good. walk a mile in their shoes. the man returns. I want that horse. too. The brain orders two pints from the barman but the barman refuses to serve him. and your friend there looks as if he's about to start something" 97 The police arrested two men. The businessman orders a drink and then watches in surprise as the other patron quickly eats an orange. Superman. They charged one and let the other one off. The bartender turns to the man and says. The next day he came back with the horse and said. but the man still wanted to buy it. and another to hold the fish. the breeder replied I told you that horse aint looking so good 99 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The businessman is shocked to see him again eat an orange. so he did. When asked why. one to do it. 101 A man on a business trip is staying in a high‐rise hotel with a bar on the top floor. then jumps out the window to his death. When the man returns a third time. A minute later. chugs his beer. The second hiker laughed and said. he decides to go upstairs. Then when you do criticize them." 102 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. 98 A man went to a horse breeder and said. you're a real jerk when you're drunk. "You know. There's only one other patron in the bar.
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient " Never heard of it" Doctor "Well it's not unusual . Mars bar turns around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. The man answers it and it is the snail again. 106 Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm. Because there horns dont work 112 Three American Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. And the third gives birth to a boy and a girl." Years later. Dr ‐ I can't get this song out of my head and it's driving me mad. 107 A man is sat at home watching T. The first golfer sinks his putt and says. Her husband responds. Why do cows have bells A. she was a good wife for sixteen years." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan.goes back to lining up his putt. Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. . I can't stop humming "It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home" Doctor: "Hmm. . when he hears a knock at the door." 109 Patient: Dr." 110 Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub. `I'm the hardest mint in town me! No‐one's harder than me!'. Doctor says 'I can give you some cream for that'." Doctor: "Pull yourself together man. Mars bar says. you've seen Amahl." 108 Patient: "Doctor. "But they are identical twins. The second gives birth to a girl." says friend. One is lying on a buffalo skin. `Hang on a minute.." To which the man replies "no" and kicks him down the street. "Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?" he asks. The first woman gives birth to a boy. I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!'. The man gets up and answers the door. If you've seen Juan. "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking him to the pictures". to show such respect for the dead. "Well. . to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. the squaw of the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides! 113 Guy walks into the doctor's with a strawberry growing out of his head. Extra strong mint says. And this proves . Extra strong mint says to Mars Bar. she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. one is lying on a moose skin. Upon receiving the picture.V. the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. and is named "Amahl. The snail then say "what did you do that for then. and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. With that. 105 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen. but he's menthal!' 111 Q. The snail says "can i sell you some double glazing. One goes to a family in Egypt.. "No. Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains." 104 A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption. `I might be hard.
" 122 A white horse walked into a pub and ordered a lager. 1 atom said to the other "why are you crying?" the atom replied "I've lost an electron". so vet brings in the practice labrador. "I don't think much of this Budgiejumping" The other dying man turns to him and replies. Vet says "sorry. One is holding a Budgerigar. the first atom said "are you sure?". please. the other is holding a Parrot and a shot‐gun. "No. 120 what game do you play with a wombat? answer ‐ wom 121 a man walks into a shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp. "What's your name?" The parrot says. They both hit the floor. a burglar hears someone say." . The horse replied 'what. Eric?'. The drink responds. Reluctantly the man accepts his dog is dead. Cat sniffs around‐‐ no response from dog. "What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies. Distraught man asks the vet for a second opinion‐‐ the vet brings in the practice cat." The burglar goes on to ask." "but. "but your dog is dead"." 118 I drunk driver is stop for heading the wrong way on a one‐way street. "it's £50 for the vet. A: They decompose 116 2 atoms were talking. "Breakfast Served Anytime" so. "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus. A moment later the man with the Parrot lets go of his bird and takes a lame shot at it with the shotgun. The burglar asks the parrot. Practice dog sniffs around‐‐no response from man's dog." To his relief. On the way out. "Jesus is watching you. "yes" replied the other "I'm positive!" 117 Two men jump out of a plane. "Good grief. The landlord put the drink on the bar and said 'We've got a whisky named after you'. he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard. sir. 119 A man took his dog to the vet. As they fall away from the plane the man holding the budgie lets it go.what is this for? "Well. The police officer asked the driver didn't you see the arrows. said the receptionist. 123 While robbing a home. £300 for the catscan and £600 for the lab report. we don't sell wasps. I couldn't even see the Indians. In their dying moments. i don't think much of this high altitude paratchuting!. one turns to the other and says. Man insists on a third opinion.114 A man goes to a diner. "Moses." the shopkeeper replies "i'm sorry. when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance! 115 Q: What happens to Composers when they die. the receptionist gives him a bill for £1000. "Sorry. "Arrows." said the vet. On the menu it says. but your dog is dead"." says the man "you have one in the window.
"Listen carefully. Lean Beef 131 Kid "Mummy! Mummy! There is a man with a bill at the door" Mother "Dont be silly dear. the man cries in despair. 127 A man gets knocked down by a truck. In an apricot. 129 Q." comes a booming voice from the heavens.. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: "You'll never get me up in one of those things !" 135 A man walks into a chip and asks for fish and chips twice please. On a mozam‐bird! 126 Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. "No you are not. 130 What do you call a cow in a paddock with only two right legs. "I'm done for". and do exactly as I say. Where do you keep a baby ape? A. . 125 Where can you find a Mozambique.. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief. what?" the man asks the heavens. He says I make a living! 128 Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.124 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. but the light bulb's got to want to change. "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on." 134 Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead." The man does so. you are done for. and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief. The man behind the counter says "I heard you the first time" 136 I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling. it must be a duck with a hat on!" 132 Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk 133 A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. A guy says to him are you comfortable. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots. "Now. "Now.
"but how did you know I was at the hairdressers?" 157 A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. I am worried.. Dark isn't it? 141 Why did Ludwig v. ?It?s all the letters from H to O. then I shall be able to give you some advice. Beethoven kill his two ducks? ‐ They wouldn't stop saying "Bach bach" all the time." Said the priest: "Hold on my son. "It's a competition. H I J K L M N 0 answered Sally promptly Her teacher look puzzled." she says. let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow.? 139 A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. The steaks are too high. 196 a worried man goes to see his priest." The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son. Do you fancy having a go?" The man has a long.137 Why is a tractor magic? Because it can go down a road and turn into a field! 138 ?Sally. can you spell ?water? for me?? The teacher asked. 195 AN ardvark walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face. 142 What is green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you? A snooker table 143 why don't polar bears eat penguines? because they can't get the wrappers off. they're complimentary'. you look really nice' and 'That haircut really suits you'.?? ?Sure it does.. But if you try and fail then you'll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. Then he hears little voices saying things like 'Oooh.. He phones her and she answers it. hard look at the ceiling before saying. T?s and H?s. ?That doesn?t spell ?water. "Father. I can?t pronounce my F?s. He asks the barman why they're there. I'll just have a pint thanks.? ?Well you can?t say fairer than that then? 154 What did the bird say as it flew over ASDA? "Cheap Cheap" 155 For a laugh three french soldiers put mustard in their ears from then on they are called the three mustardears!!! 156 A blonde girl's husband buys her a mobile phone. Doctor.? said Sally. "No. "It's very good." 140 Close your eyes. I have . He tells the barman about it who says 'Just ignore it. "Pint of bitter and a mop. She takes it out and he decides to test it out. 144 A skeleton walks into a pub and says. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you'll get free drinks all night. it's the peanuts." 152 Doctor. I think that my wife is trying to poison me.
Because he thought it was a game. I am 90!" The doctore responds. 199 An Englishman. "Well. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A. 206 What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? Pat 207 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? answer: he was dead 208 A pork Pie walks into a Pub and says 'Ill have a pint please'. "Is the bartender here?" 204 The doctor says to the patient. The barman asks them "is this a joke?" A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week 200 A man put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week. said the vet. "My dogs cross‐eyed. then. 203 Did you hear about the termite who walked into an all‐wooden bar and asked. when asked she tells the other two that her husband is bald so she would have to wear nothing to the party. "But Doctor." So he picks the dog up by the ears and has a . 202 What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies." 205 there are 3 wives who want to decide what to wear. the bartender turns & asks the horse whats with the long face. 209 A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him. Because it was dead Q.to which the landlord replies ‐ 'sorry we dont serve food'. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A. Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree? A. "Let's have a look at him.my husband has black hair I will wera black dree. 198 A horse walks into a bar. 201 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one ‐‐ but the light bulb really has to want to change. an Australian and an American walk into a bar. Q. Why did the little boy fall off his bike? A. "You're in excellent health ‐ you'll live to be 90. that's it. Because it was holding on to the first koala. Is there anything you can do for it?" "Well". By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on. second says my husband hair is grey and I will wear a grey dress and the third one gets worried and starts panicking. first one says . Because he was hit by three koalas." The patient replies.talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is :Take the poison" 197 Q.
when the truck is fixed. "I'm going to have to put him down. you were there to support me. Later. Toyota for sale.. She called the obituary department and said. "I'll give you some cash if you could take the penguins to the zoo for me. One night. The truck driver says he is on his way to deliver some penguins to the zoo. 210 George Howard. "My Sadie." The man agrees. yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. When I got fired. Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. "I did . "Well." The man at the newspaper said. The truck driver say. and says "Give me a beer. you must have gotten it from your mother. 211 A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. but we got change so we're going to the movies!" 218 Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah‐Bah‐Shop. walking with a row of pengiuns waddling behind him. because he's heavy. The truck driver stops and asks." 214 Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven? Because seven ate nine. you were by my side. 215 A neutron walks into a bar. the man famous for writing the Hokey Polky died last week." Says the vet. first they put his left leg in. "I think you're bad luck.. you have been with me through all the bad times.the truck driver drives into townand spots the man close to the zoo. 219 What do you get if you cross frosty the snowman with count dracula? Frostbite . "OK. "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." "Just because he's cross‐eyed?" said the man. away from the zoo." 212 Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. They had a horrible time at the funeral parlor." The woman answered. When my health started failing. son. He says.. where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well. You know what. 'cause I still have mine. "Does God use our bathroom?" Her mum replies. "Well. you were still by my side.good look at its eyes." said the vet. He stops to help. are you still in there!" 217 A man driving into town spots a truck broken down on the side of the road. a girl says to her mum." 213 A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad. When my business failed. "What are you doing? I gave you money to take the penguins to the zoo?" The man replies. you were there. "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.. you gave me support. why do you ask?" The little girl says. When we lost the house. every morning daddy says 'Oh God." The bartender says "Hey! Neutron! For you ‐ no charge!" 216 One morning. "No. When I got shot. "No dear. Then print: Bernie is dead. Sadie?" "What dear?" she asked gently.
" 228 what did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! 229 Where would you find a tortoise with no legs ? Wherever you left it 230 Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was dead. One breaks a biscuit and two bugs. Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game. 227 What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything. agnostic insomniac? He lies awake all night long. Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a squirrel! 231 A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer and the barman says "I'm sorry we don't serve food" 232 What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Answer: Beethoven's Last Movement 233 Bob is sitting in a bar next to a guy named Clark." Bob says "okay go for it. 225 Two sailors are eating biscuits together. one large and one small. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way. "Now. So Bob orders what clark just had and tries to jump and float.. Clark walks back in the bar and the barkeep says "You know Superman you're really mean when your . 224 why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. is it better to eat the big one or the small one?" The other replied. "The answer is simple: you must always choose the lesser of two weevils. So he jumps and SPLAT he hits the ground and dies. "I bet you I can jump of the roof and loat to the ground. jump out and run across the table." So clark jumps and floats to the ground.220 Did you hear about the two maggots who were fighting in dead Earnest? 221 What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A Head banger 222 were do computers go on hoilday ? the big apple 223 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it.. Clark gets his usual and drains it he then turns to Bob and says. The sailor asks his mate." 226 Did you hear about the dyslexic. wondering if there really is a dog.
242 Q. To get to the other slide. Why did the chicken cross the playground? A. There is a man walking up the hill and a man walking down and a man in the toilet. It was a BARbeque. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the monkey. 236 how do you get a pikachu onto a bus? you pokemon 237 Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate 238 What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. 245 Q: What is red and looks like a bucket? A: A Red bucket! Q: What is blue and looks like a bucket A: A Red bucket in disguise! 246 Q: What is gray? A: A melted penguin! 247 Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A.drunk!" Rimshot!! 234 Did you hear that they dug up Beethoven's body last week? They found him decomposing. except for the lion. 239 What do you call a man in a bush? Russell. . 243 what do mexicans keep under the carpet? Underlay! Underlay! Underlay! 244 Newspaper Headline: Man who commits suicide twice is sentenced to life in prison. 248 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo. 241 Theres a toilet on a hill. What are there nationalitys? the man going up is Russin and the man going down is finishan and the man in the toilet is european. 240 A man walks into a bar and says‐ "ouch thats hot". 235 what do an eagle and a lion have in common? they both have wings.
After a few minutes of listening. "Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!" 250 Q: where is a cemetery located in any town? A: In the Dead center of it! 251 A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. you're a polar bear.'I understand' and 'Yes. let's make sure he's dead. "Very good.' baby polar bear asks its mum. 'am i a black bear or a koala bear?' 'no." There is a silence. "OK." says the older priest. "Well done. I can help. said the man. says mum. First. then a shot is heard. He doesn't seem to be breathing. He says. 'am i a black bear?' 'no' says dad. too. "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator. in a calm soothing voice says. To demonstrate. or a sun bear?' 'no'. He discovered my finger was broken! .. Claire: MOO 256 Man goes to the doctor and complains that every time he touches his foot he feels excruciating pain.!' 254 A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips.. go on. The officer asks. The doctor writes it down and asks if it gurts anywhere else.'" The ounger priest practises these sayings. "now try saing things like 'I see'.249 A man driving on a highway is pulled over by a police officer. Although the doctor examines tha man. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. he can not diagnose the source of the pain and refers him to a specialist. 'No way!what happened next?'" 255 Claire: Knock Knock Neil: Who's there? Claire: An interrupting cow Neil: An interrupt. "Did you know your wife and children fell out of your car a kilometre back?". the man also touches his shin and thigh and screams out with pain. son?' 'because i am so cold. Yes. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying. the old priest suggests that they have a word. go ask your mother. A few weeks later the man returns and the doctor eagerly asks the man if the specialist found out what was wrong." says his senior. "Just take it easy. He gasps to the operator. why do you ask. now what?" 252 A man walks into a bar and says ouch!!! Get it? 253 baby polar bear asks its dad. 'am i a brown bear. "Iv'e got a few suggestions. his eyes are rolled back in his head.. The guy's voice comes back on the line."The new priest tries this."he says. A smile creeps onto the man's face and he exclaims. 'am i a grizzly bear?' 'no. son. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. you're a polar bear.
Through his tears the monk blurted out "The word was celebrate!" 269 Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. The man says: Thank you. 270 If you never can make things work from the first try. Why did the anarchist monkey cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken. What did the English policeman say when he came home and found his wife in bed with three men? A.He aske me what flower has a . When he did he found himmin tears and asked him what was wrong. The young monk was away for some time and finally the abbot went to find him. He turns to the lady next to him and asks: That island down there.257 What do you call an aarvark that has been beaten up? A vark. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the 'possum it could be done. 271 I was getting forgetful so I went to the neighbors and aske the husband what is the name of your mental doctor that you have been braging about. 'Ello! 261 Man is looking down from a plane as it flies over the Pacific Ocean. 260 Q. if you ate your parents what would you be?" Jonny. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? No guts." 264 In a 3rd grade class Jonny was asked if he knew what a canabil was. 268 The monks were busy in the monastery copying those beaytiful illuminated manuscripts that they used to do when one young monk suggested that since they were copying copies perhaps it might be timely to examine the original to make sure that their copies were correct. 'Ello. 267 What is the new pirate movie rated? Arrrrrrrrrrr. The third guy ducks. The woman replies: You're velcome! 262 Why did the 'possum cross the road? To get half‐way across. Have a seat sir. 'Ello. skydiving is not for you. 263 A man walks into a restaurant and growls at the maitre d'.s teacher asked him and Jonny said "An orphen. He said to the teacher "no sir" "Well. 266 Two guys walk into a bar. 258 What is the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he is a doctor! 259 Why did the whale jump out of the water? To get to the other side. sir" 265 Did you hear about the rooster who stayed awake all night so that he could see where the sun went? It finally dawned on him. "Do you serve crabs here?" the maitre d' responds "We serve anyone. Is it pronounced Hawaii or Havaii? The woman replies Havaii. The Abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the basement of the monastery to find and examine the original.
hey Rose what is the name of my memory doctor. there are basically three kinds of people in the world. He says. The first fish says to the second fish: "How the hell do we drive this thing?" 277 Helicopters can't really fly ‐ they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. but he had troubles to make it work. 280 Did you hear about the maniac riding on the subways chopping peoples arms off? The police caught him and charged him with armed robbery! 281 A biology student had to write a computer program." 276 There are two fish in a tank. but I chased it all the way home‐ The wife replied." The pharmacist hands him the chapstick and asks. "just put it on my bill.He said thank you. 273 I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. and the pig likes it. . 285 ‐ Can you swim? ‐ Some times. 274 A man ran into the house breathless and he said to his wife. I just saved $1. "I'd like a chapstick. to look at his programm and tell him where the error is.50 by not taking the bus. then glanced desperately at his friend and said: "In DNA". 278 whats brown and sticky? a stick 279 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. "will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies. you see. who was a computer science major. ‐ What do you mean by "some times"? ‐ Only when I'm in the water. He asked his roommate. you should be so proud of me.I said a rose. 283 How can you tell the difference between a dead cat in the road or a dead lawyer in the road? The dead cat has tread marks. 284 Well. "You want a medal for that?‐You should have chased a cab and saved yourself 15! 275 A duck walks into a pharmacy. 282 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. "Honey. The computer guy looked through the code for some time. Those who can count and those that can't.thank you.long steam with thorns. 272 Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty.
"I can clearly see you're nuts. My wife developed a new receipt for hollandise sauce that is just terrific and I have been putting it on almost everything that I eat. But this time. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure. "I'm afraid that the acid in the lemon juice used in the hollandise sauce has started to corrode your dental plate. 293 How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? You paint its toenails red! 294 What is read white and black all over? A used newspaper! 295 Did you hear about the two atennae that got married? The wedding wasn't very good."there's no plate like chrome for the . the owner of the nasty dog says wow! thats the first time in two years that my dog has lost a fight.286 A man walks into a psychiatrist's office dressed only in saran wrap. but the reception was teriffic! 296 a guy takes his nasty dog for a walk every night and manages to beat up another dog every night. shakes him a couple of times. flips him over and breakes his neck and the nasty dog is dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey. "Because..... "Why yes."as everyone knows"..... one night while walking his dog he comes upon this guy walking a yellow dog. The psychologist takes one look at him and says." said the dentist. The man said. he used to be an alligater!!! 297 The man had gone to the dentist for his annual checkup. as he runs up to the yellow dog. he unleases his nasty dog saying "go get him boy"... the yellow dog grabs him by the neck." "Out of chrome!" exclaimed the man." "Well". 290 whats a good parting gift? A comb 291 Knock knock Who's there? Dishwasher Dishwasher who? Dish wash er way i spoke until i got my false teeth 292 How do you make a hankichief dance? Put a little bogey in it. what kind of dog do you have? the other guy says " before i cut off his tail and painted him yellow. that was my half‐sister!" 289 Why does a golfer bring two pairs of pants when he plays golf? A Incase he gets a hole in one. I'll have to make you a new plate.. 288 First magician: "Who was that lady I sawed with you last night?" Second magician: "That was no lady. I'll make it out of chrome. I have as a matter of fact. "Why would you do that?". The dentist asked the man if he had been eating anything over the past few months that was not ordinarily in his diet. said the dentist." 287 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead..
'Rabbit tracks I think' just before the train hit them! 307 Whats ET short for? Because he's got little legs! 308 a bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a pint of lager and.." was the reply. and with this done....hollandise" 298 Why dont English rugby players get vaccinated before touring? they never catch anything..." Dismayed and disappointed.." 310 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one.. The Bartender said. He didn't see the ewe turn........ "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?".. "I'm a frayed knot.... and ordered a beer. What does he look like?" 312 There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.. Why did the ram jump over the cliff? A..a packet of crisps please?" the barman says "Why the big pause" 309 Did you read about the midget clarivoyant who escaped from jail? The headline said "small medium at large...... "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly... Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells.. "Say. the other disagrees.. The Bartender looked him over and said.." 304 Q. sat on a stool. 305 Why do bees hum ? Because they don't know the words 306 Two not so bright people walking along one day. aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No..... but the lightbulb's gonna want to change.. One says 'Horse tracks!'.. "We don't serve Ropes here.. the Rope went out and then got an idea. 301 A length of Rope went into a bar.. The man obliged.. the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. 311 A penguin walks ito a bar and asks the barman "have you seen my brother?" the barman replies "I dunno... ... 299 Q:Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time? A:Because they only have one pair of trunks! How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? 300 Q:‐How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A:‐Fish.. He stopped a man and asked...
I can't feel my legs!" "I know.. A coast‐guard spokesman commented: "This sort of thing is all too common these days." 321 One penguin says to another. who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth. 323 This chap lives alone and he was feeling a bit lonely." 318 From The Times: 'A young girl. "You look like you're wearing a tux."' 319 what has 2 legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat 320 A man wakes up in hospital. so he goes to the pet shop to get something to keep him company. "We had to amputate your arms." The doctor say's." 313 Why did the tomato turn red? She/He saw the salad dressing! 314 What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear." 316 What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idear. 315 A guy walks in to his psychiatrists office and says" Doc you got to help me. One night I dream I'm a tepee and the next night i dream that i am a wigwam. took it home. a talking millipede. Doctor. "OK." I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." So he bought a millipede. and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me. you're two tents." The second penguin replies." replies the doctor. "Doctor. made it a temporary home in a cardboard box. was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. I can't stop singing the green green grass of home" "that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome" "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."I'll give it a go.The wife is extremely embarrassed." The drunks replies. The pet shop owner suggested an unusual pet." thought the man. 317 "Doc. and for lack of advance preparations. . "Who says I'm not?" 322 Why do elephants put catsup in their navels? Answer: So they can eat french fries while lying on their backs. you just farted before my wife." relax...
The first one says. wanna come to the boozer with me???" Again. Disgusted by his gullible nature. "I'm going to the pub for a drink." replied the priest. He tried again. we've got a drink named after you!" The horse says. The first guy said "my shirt is green. "What. so at the last minute he swerved back away. he decided to give it one more try before returning the millipede to the pet shop.Shaggy and Britney Spears wre stuck in an elevator when they smelled something like rotten eggs. "Here. Eric?" 328 What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Answer: Ilene What do you call her if she's Japanese? Answer: Irene 329 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 330 A truckdriver saw a priest hitchhiking. "Hey. do you want to come too?" He waited a few moments but there was no reply. narrowly missing the lawyer. But even though he was sure he missed the lawyer he still heard a loud "THUMP". I almost hit that lawyer." The first guy says. "IÌm sorry Father." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. The publican says." The third guy said "the phone goes 'green green'. They each were asked to name something green. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him." "ThatÌs okay. "I got him with the door!" 331 Craig David .That evening testing his new pet. DO YOU WANNA COME?" "I heard you the first time!!" snapped the millipede.Craig David said "I'm walkin' away". 327 A white horse goes into a pub and orders a drink. he turned to the priest and said. The second guy said "the grass is green." 324 Did you hear about the farmer who won the Nobel Prize for being outstanding in his field? 325 Two drunks are sitting at a bar. no response. he leaned over the closed box and said. Climb in the truck. millipede."No problem. the sun is yellow and my door is pink.. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. Father! IÌll give you a lift.Shaggy said "it wasn't me" and Britney Spears said "Oops I did it again" ." 326 There were three guys. "I married one of those things years ago. But he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him. He glanced in his mirrors and when he didnÌt see anything. So he got real close to the box and repeated rather loudly . "It's a bag that can tell how much you drank.. my tie is pink and my pants are yellow". pink and yellow. "I'm just putting my bloody shoes on. I pink it up and say 'yellow'". "What's this thing that they call a 'Breathalyzer'?" The second guy says. "I SAID I'M GOING TO THE PUB FOR A DRINK.
The man answered. 343 A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. 334 A man was walking in the park when he came across a koala . "Ok. says the genie. and asks the cashier if he has any beer. now I wish for a Ferrarii" "Granted". One final time the duck enters the store the next day. and this time says. "I told you yesterday! We dont' sell beer here! If you ask me one more time. that's what I did and today I'm taking him to the movies. and returns home. "let's have a look at him. The next day. He said . "No" The duck then says. "Do you have any nails?" The Man replies. "didn't i tell you to take that koala to the zoo?" "Yes". Who won the boxing match between the beaver and the hedgehog? A.He took it to the polieman and sid "i've found this koala what should i do with him" The policeman said . The man then replies. Your final wish?" The man says. The hedgehog. The man says. we don't sell beer here" The Duck leaves. I am going to nail your feet to the florr!" The ducks leaves again." said the vet. "Ok. 335 A man finds a genie who says that it will grant him three wishes but that every pollitition in Australia would get double. is there anything you can do for him?" "Well. on points."take him to the zoo" The next day the policeman was walking in the same park when he saw the same man with the same koala. this is a Drugstore. bang? A four‐door elephant 339 A duck walks into a drugstore. bang. bang. I wish for $1 million" "Granted". "My dog's cross‐eyed.332 What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!! 333 Q. "I wish to have one of my kidneys removed" 336 what's white blue and green? A fridge wearing jeans sitting in a field!!! 337 Whats brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! 338 What is grey and goes bang. "Do you have any beer?" 340 what do you call am italian with a rubber toe? Roberto 341 Why do elephants have big ears? Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom 342 How do you stop a bear from charging? You take away its credit card. he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. "but remember every pollitition in Australia will get double" The man says. The man says "No." . "but remember every pollitition in Australia will get double. says the genie.
" 344 Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts to do it! 345 What time is it? Time you got a new watch.So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes. then checked his teeth. "Yes" he replies "I'm POSITIVE!" . he's heavy. Thud. 346 Two elephants fall off a cliff. two in the back. 351 Newspaper Reports say a toilet has been stolen. 347 Why did the man drown in a bowl of cake mix? He got pulled under by a particularly strong current!! 348 why do ducks have flat feet? To stamp out forest fires!! 349 What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk!!! 350 What do you call a child who fries and eats both his parents? An orphan. Policve say they have nothing to go on 352 Why has Edward Woodward got so many 'D's in his name? Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar 353 Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a Nobel prize? He was out. 356 What do you call a mushroom at a disco? A fun guy 357 Two atoms are walking down the road. Finally. 354 Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers? In case he got a 'hole in one'! 355 How do you get four elephants into a Mini? Two in the front. One says to the other." "What? Why? Because he's cross‐eyed?" "No. he said. standing in his field. Thud. "I'm going to have to put him down. "OH NO! I just dropped an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks his friend.
When he told the foreman the foreman said "Didn't you know today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked"! 369 A man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor. "but he's a cycle path. When he came back he noticed that his pick was missing." 361 A long time ago. there were 3 little bears. "I thought you were really hard?" "We are.. ‐ Who's there? ‐ Buh ‐ Buh who? ‐ Don't be sad 360 Two pieces of tarmac go into a pub and boast to the barman about how hard they are. "We're motorway us. "What's wrong?" says the barman. there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom'. Which one's on holiday? ... The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.. On his first day he went off for lunch and left his tools behind. doctor?' and the doctor replies 'I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg'. the other one said "I was going to say that!" 364 What's Brown. One said "moo". 367 why did the swedish factory worker get sacked?? Because he always took stock home! (stockholm!) 368 There was a teddy bear who went to work on a building site. sits in a tree and can't sing? Des O'conker 365 How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.358 A bunch of highland cows are standing in a field in Scotland. 370 what do u call thieves on a washing line? ans: knickers 371 Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli? .The one with the wee calf! 359 ‐ Knock knock." they say. 366 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in the oven and wait till its Bill Withers.now there's lots of them 362 What is black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra 363 There were two cows in a field." Then another piece of tarmac enters and the first two hide under a table. The man asks 'Is it serious...
Not screaming and yelling like his passengers 377 What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.... I would like an omlet.. ÏHave you found Jesus?Ó ÏNo!.. as usual: "You know.. 378 Marge: "Homer... drive all day long and still be on my .. the first cow says "hmm i feel a little bit sick" the second cow replies "Shut up! or you'll get us both killed!" 380 what is the sleepiets fish? a kipper 381 A polar bear goes into a bar and says to the barman "Could I have a pint of beer and ... 385 A Texan is bragging. ÏNo.Ó she says in exasperation..they're gone... The barman says "Certainly ‐ what's with the enormous paws (pause)?" 382 What do you call a cow that eats grass? A lawn moo‐er 383 2 robbers went 2 the gates of heven an angle said god there is 2 robbers at the gates god said let them in so the angle went 2 let them in he came running in and said "they're gone...." 379 2 cows are in a field..m... and is dunked back in the water and again asked..." he says..One says to the other. "I can get in my Cadillac at 7 a...Ó she says...... ÏHave you found Jesus?Ó ÏNo.. Whereupon the minister pushes her underwater.. a packet of crisps please?".... ÏAre you sure this is where he fell in?Ó 373 Shakespeare walks into a pub.He was pulled under by a strong currant! 372 A young girl is walking along the river and comes across a religious gathering where the minister is baptizing members of his flock. The minister asks the girl if she has found Jesus. "I'm not serving you mate ‐ you're Bard...... The bloke behind the counter says.. and repeats....Ó she says." 374 Two parrots sitting on a perch. "Can you smell fish?" 375 Why is 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 "ate" 9 376 I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather..."god:who the robbers no the gates!! 384 Q: Why don't anteaters get sick? A: Because they're full of antibodies... pulls her back up. you never listen to anything I say!" Homer: "Thank you.
you look NICE today!!!" He turns aroud and asks the bartender.. look up at the stars... "The peanuts." 391 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.. there might also be life. "I see millions and millions of stars. goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man. it's my birthday! How about a free drink?" The bartender says. they're COMPLEMENTARY!!!" 387 Two sheep were standing on a hillside in Scotland.. 395 Three guys walk into an office building... the toilet's down the hall. And there are 5 people in my family." "Yes.property. "Who said that?" The bartender answers. "Watson. somebody stole our tent. "Hey bartender.. "Bloody hell.. I've got one `ere.. one looks up and says "baaaaaaaaaa." The other says." Watson said. "I had a car like that once.you think one of them would of noticed it was there. you idiot. I was gonna say that!" 388 Q‐When's the best time to have a tooth pulled? A‐ Tooth‐Hurty 389 A man walks into a pub. so it must be one of them." replies his listener. if there are millions of stars. "do you want a pint Vincent?" "No." Homes: "and from that you deduce?" Watson: "Well.. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up." 386 A man walks into a bar and hears someone say. One was a salted 397 Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies. 396 Two peanuts walk into a bar... "Hey. But I think its Colin . "Sure pal. its quite likely there are some planets like earth like earth out there. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho‐Cha‐Chu." Holmes: "Watson.. And if there are a few planets like earth out there." 392 What is the last thing a fish says when it hits a wall? Dam! 393 Did you here about the magic tractor ? It was driving down a lane then it turned into a field ! 394 Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left him.. and tell me what you see. and in even a few of those have planets.. It's either my mum or dad. ta..." 390 A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender.
" 405 News Flash from Chicago: Man found face down in bathtub full of milk and corn flakes with banana in rear! Police looking for cereal killer. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know. and everyone is on the beach. some cough sweets went up to them and started hassling them. 401 Q. The jelly babies were a bit scared and went to the Hard Gum to ask for a bit of help. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. 407 A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails.What did the monk say when returning to his monestary after a trip around the world? A. So that was nice Why did the egg cross the road? 400 Q: Why did the egg cross the road? A: To research its geneology. it all happened so fast.. When it's served.398 What do you call a mushroom who buys you drinks all night? A real Fungi to be with." 408 Q: Where does a King keep his armies? A: In his sleevies 409 A woman walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre. somebody actually complimented me on my driving the other day. He asks the bartender for a drink.. He replied . because it's a little boulder. and is feeding the sea‐gulls . they're menthol!". 404 A neutron walks into a bar. "no charge. The world is my cloister. 411 It's a hot day. because everyone has bought an ice‐cream cone. And it's strange. 410 Where do horses go when they are injured or hurt? The Horsepital.Binbag the sailor! 403 What has more courage. so the barman gave her one. a stump or a rock? A rock. 402 Whats black and shiny and sails the seven seas? . he asks how much it will be." the bartender answers.. "For you. 406 Two jelly babies walked into a bar with their friend the Hard Gum. When they went up to get drinks. "I'm not going anywhere near them. They left a little note on my windscreen saying parking fine. 399 You know.
The inmates are all screaming at the tops of their lungs.. "two pints of beer please barman" asks the brain "sorry guys can't serve you tonight" replies the barman "why not" asks the brain "because you're out your head and he's likly to start somthing" 417 I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. 418 Two spiders were playing football in a saucer. It's making headlines." he said. made out of cordurouy. of course) 412 Rene Descarte walks into a bar.. 413 why did the mouse squeak? 'cos it needed oiling 414 What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hellifino. "that way you'll be chilling two birds with one cone." The other says: "Don't worry. Is this true? Your heart is only good for so many beats. that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. So of course I chased them away. 421 This guy is walking past a wooden fence. He yells in pain as the . He's got an ice‐cream.. So I went bought an ice‐cream." "Why?" I asked.." 419 why can't you milk a mouse? 'cos you can't get a bucket under it 420 Inventions today: it's reported that a new kind of pillowcase has been invented. 415 Q : Name 2 crustaceans A : King Crustacean & Charring Crustacean 416 a brain and a set of jump leads walk into a bar.. And he says: "You'll never stop them. Want to live longer? Take a nap. "I think." and disappears. and that's it. so do what everyone else is doing: relax. and two gulls eating it. and then this old man wonders over in my direction. two gulls to each person.with it. "have a beer?" Descarte says.. enjoy yourself. On the other side of the fence is an asylum... and straight away the gulls came down to steal it. "Because. and let the gulls have the ice‐cream. "Thirteen! Thirteen! THIRTEEN!!" The guy notices a small hole in the fence and his curiosity naturally gets the better of him. Everything wears out eventually." ("killing two birds with one stone".. we're playing in the cup next week. He takes a peek and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye. but they kept on coming. Bartender says. One says to the other: "I'm getting really bored with this.not. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer..
what's the bad news?' asks the patient. Suddenly. "Fourteen! Fourteen! FOURTEEN!!" 422 What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty bus! 423 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the rooster on the other side. The first time he saluted. . which one is in the army ? The one on the tank !! boom boom 425 A little boy mouse goes into a music shop and asks for a mouse‐organ. so they shot her. he killed himself. asking for the same thing. 427 What do baby apes sleep in? Apricots! 428 Two hunters were walking through the woods." The mouse replies: "That must have been our Monica. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies." Man2 "Jamaica?" Man1 "No she went of her own accord": 430 How do you keep your nose from running? Teach it to WALK! 431 What can you eat in a Cyber Cafe? Micro Chips 432 A young karate champion joined the Army. 424 Two Bears in an airing cupboard. 'You only have 24 hours to live'. The doctor replies. a naked lady stepped out of the brush and said. 'I have bad news and worse news'.inmates start shouting." 426 A doctor says to his patient. 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'. because he'd be my newt. The shopkeeper says: "That's a coincidence. 'Oh dear. 434 If corn oil comes from corn. 433 If I had a pet newt I would call him "Tiny". 'That's terrible'. said the patient. we had a little girl mouse in here yesterday. "I'm game!". where does baby oil come from? 435 A piece of string walks into a bar one day and asks for a beer. 429 Man1 "My wife's gone to the West Indies.
she costs £250". No luck. "This is Single Barbie. the Children. ." The piece of string walks out and returns the next day asking for a beer. but before entering. "I'm a frayed knot. walked barefoot most of the time." he replies. as you know. he suffered from bad breath. "Sorry but we don't serve string in this bar. "Well.It's too Bloody big!!!" 441 A mother & daughter go out looking for Barbie Dolls. "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Darling. with the Divorced Barbie" says the assistant "You get the House." 439 How much does a pirate pay to have his ear pierced? A Buccaner (buck an ear) 440 A drunk was standing on a London Street corner shouting "It can't be done! It can't be done!" Just ten. . . "Look.which made him rather frail and with his odd diet. she costs £40. so they ask an assistant to help. "I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum. I hear the food is great." 444 Mahatma Gandhi.. This made him what? . "I've got some cream for that. "Why so much for the Divorced Barbie?" ask the mother. and this is Married Barbie. he ties a knot in himself and messes up his hair. The bar tender turns him away again. He also ate very little. a Bobby aproached him and said: "What can't be done?" The drunk answered.. the Car. "No. but the atmosphere is lousy." 436 What was born to succeed? A budgie with a blunt beak! 437 Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers! 438 Doctor. "I'd have married you no matter who left a you a fortune. 443 A newly married man asks his wife. and this one is Divorced Barbie.' It just can't be done ." the woman replies sweetly.. He enters the bar and asks for a beer.. "I'm sorry but we don't serve string in this bar." Doctor.. it says 'DRINK CANADA DRY." 442 Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? . up there on that sign.. "Aren't you a piece of string?" the bar tender asks..The bar tender says. she cost £20. but can't find any prices in the shop. says the assistant. Doctor." The next day the piece of string returns to the bar. which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
my health isn't good. He takes them to the top of a cliff. so I thought I'd try all three. hen‐gliding or parrot‐ shooting. "What *are* you up to?" asked one of his friends. I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "So. and the third a parrot. The barkeep says "Get out. as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Not good.' 448 A piece of string walks into a pub and asks for a pint. "To make myself beautiful. my kids don't respect me. She comes with all of Ken's things. 445 Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second." said James.. don't lose any sheep over it." 452 Did you hear about the new Barbie Doll they are making? It's called "Divorced Barbie". Dad" the boy said. We don't serve pieces of string here. fascinated. So he invites his friends to come and watch. mommy?" he asked. I can't pay my bills. A few minutes later." 447 He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "It's okay. and he decides he's going to learn a new flying sport. "Giving up?" 451 A man in a hurry taking his 8‐year‐old son to school.' And I thought 'That's a turn‐up for the books. It goes back into the bar and again asks for a pint. 453 Three men walk into a bar. ties a knot in his middle and unravels his ends. the second containing a chicken. 454 i went to the doctors the other day and [whilst raising my hand in the air] i say "doctor it hurts when i do this" ." said his mother.. and produces three bird cages ‐ one containing a budgerigar. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face." The piece of string goes around the corner. The barkeep says "Are you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?" The piece of string says "I'm a frayed knot. made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis. "I couldn't decide between budgie‐jumping.. she began removing the cream with a tissue. "Well. "Uh‐oh. The fourth one ducks. how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head. and my wife is leaving me." 449 World's best oxymoron: Windows Operating System 450 Little Johnny watched." The first replied." 446 James wanted to start a new hobby. "Well. "The police car right behind us did the same thing.
their kids aren't much to look at either. decided to investigate. "I'm sorry." said the young student confidently.. His neighbor." 456 two nuns walked into a building. it'll go great with my plain salt. and six months old. 463 A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air.the doctor replies "Well dont do it then" 455 Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling at the dinosaur bones." said a teacher. One of them asked the guard. "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replied. "They are 3 million.. "Whatcha doin?" he asked.. Then we met.. seeing him there.. four years. ‐Sounds good... no butter. no salt.. the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." Johnny replied." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 465 So these vultures decide to fly to Florida on an ariline. He only gave me 4???? 461 "Give me a sentence about a public servant. no salt. no popcorn. "Sure. "My goldfish died and I'm burying him. They got on board carrying six dead raccoons and the flight attendant says.. you would have thought thay would have seen it!! 457 Big Diet ‐well here's your plain popcorn. ain't it?" asked the neighbor. A psychotic is one who lives in it." 462 My wife and I were happy for 20 years. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answered." "That's an awfully exact number." says the tourist.. "That's because he's inside your cat!" 459 Did you hear what happened to the hyena who swallowed an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock . "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.. no popcorn. but there's a limit of two carrion per . "Means carrying a child. A psychiatrist is the one who collects the rent! 464 Did you hear about the Invisible Man that married the Invisible Woman? Yeah.. 458 One day little Johnny was in his back yard digging a hole. and that was four and a half years ago.. no butter and my plain butter. 460 Went to the doctor and he told me i would have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. "Well. "That's an awful big hole for a goldfish.
467 "Are you a lawyer?" "Yes.a joke!) 472 Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It was going down the road and turned into a field.they hear "thump thump thump thump"on the roof." 477 A boy was walking down the street when he was stopped by a man holding a sofa. 473 Why don't canibals like clowns? Because they taste funny!!!!! 474 Why do canibals like missionaries? Because they give them a taste of christianity!!!! 475 What do you call a musician who's girlfriend has dumped him? Homeless. 479 A man walked into a bar and the barman said to him "Hello do you want a drink?" "Yes ." 466 Question: How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Answer: I will tell you later.When he arrived home his dad went mad.The man said to the boy "Here you go you can have this sofa for nothing I don't need it anymore" the boy thanked him and took the sofa home to his dad. this joke was. the wife turns to the husband and says" whats that noise?. 471 Why does Windows make computers crash? Because there's insufficent memory to RAM the door down! (I didn't expect you to laugh." "Isn't that awfully expensive?" "Yes.. What is your fourth question?" 468 what's brown and sticky? A stick.passenger." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars for four questions. and one more for the road. 476 A guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac and said to the bartender. the boy said to him "Dad I thought you would be pleased" his dad replied "No son what have I told you about taking suites off strangers"!!!!! 478 Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor? A: It was going down the road and turned into a field. 469 eskimo husband and wife in an igloo. "Give me one .He looks out the window and says" dont worry luv it's only rain dear"(reindeer!) 470 Why is one side of a "V" of geese always longer? Because there are more geese on that side..
!!! 485 A duck walks into a bar. "Sure....... not a market. and asks the bartender: "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies: "This is a bar.. He asks: "Got any nails?" The bartender replies: "No. The daddy tomato got so annoyed at the baby tomato for being so slow that he turned around real quickly and smacked his hands together and roared "KETCHUP" !!!! 488 A polar bear goes into a pub and says to the barman: "I'd like a.. with the same question: "Got any grapes?"...please" replied the man." The barman replies. I told you yesterday that we don't sell grapes here!" The duck leaves.. this isn't a hardware store!". but comes back the next day..." look.. looks around and says.... The bartender angrily replies: "look. The daddy tomato and the mammy tomato were way ahead of the baby tomato....... The duck walks out of the bar... we don't have grapes"...The barman then gave him a drink and waited for his money but the man didn't pay the barman argued with him and said "Thats £3.. I have already told you twice that we don't have any grapes here.... the duck asks the bartender: "Got any grapes"? The bartender says."Hey! Wheredid everyone go?" 483 Whats a wombat for? For playing Wom.....packet of salt and vinegar crisps please.00 please" but the man replied "No you asked me if I wanted drink not if I wanted to buy one" a lawyer sitting in the corner agreed so the barman let him off and banned him from the pub.The next day the man went back to the pub and the barman said "Oi are'nt you the man I barred yesterday?" "No" replied the man.... "oh" said the barman "You must have a double" "Yes please said the man I'll have a malt whiskey" !!!!!! 480 man #1: My dog has no nose man #2: then how does it smell? man #1: bad 481 what is red and stands in the corner? a naughty strawberry 482 a group of 99 ostritches is standing around with their heads buried in the sand.... Duck says: "Got any grapes?" 486 Whats the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You can't wash in a buffalo 487 There was three tomatoes walking down a street... but returns the next day. once again.. Now get out of the bar before I nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"... an ostritch runs up to join the group. but why the big pause?" 489 A three legged dog walk bursts into a wild west saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw" .. only to return the next day.. 484 There are two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other. "Can you smell fish?". The duck walks out...
Because it was a piano tuna 496 Q. When the bouncer sees him he looks him over and says "OK you can go in ‐ but don't start anything" 500 why did the fly do an old‐fashioned dance on the jam jar? because it said "twist to open what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? . The guy goes back to his car. i just gave you $50. "pull over!".A flying carpet 497 Q. knitting. Obviously this is dangerous driving as the driver has no hands on the wheel.What do you get if you cross a bird a car and a dog? A. What's the difference between a tennis ball and the Prince of Wales? A. those monkeys multiply and soon he's got 10 monkeys. but now they want to go to the movies!". One police car drives up alongside the offending vehicle.490 A grasshopper walks into a bar. The grasshopper says "you have a drink named Murray?!" 491 a man buys two monkeys. So the man calls his cousin pedro and offers him $50.00 to take them to the zoo". pedro calls and asks for fifty MORE dollars! the man says "listen. and motions for him to open his window. One is thrown to the air and the other is heir to the throne.00 to take the monkeys to the zoo. the city gets wind of it and threatens heavy fines if he doesn't get rid of the monkeys. What is white and walks through the desert? A. He walks back to the nightclub.Why was there a fish in the piano? A. His Aunt Artica! 495 Q. 499 A guy tries to enter a nightclub but is stopped at the door by the bouncer who tells him that he can't get in without wearing a necktie. Pedro says "yes. a couple of hours pass. "No ‐ pair of socks!" 493 What do you call a mushroom who buys you lots of drinks? A fungi to be with! 494 Who is a penguin's favourite relative. looks around but can't find a tie. so before long the police are catching up with him. He sees a set of jumperleads in the back so he puts them around his neck and ties a rough knot. A herd of yoghurt 498 Q. 492 A guy is driving down the motorway. The bartender says "hey! we've got a drink named after you!". the policeman shouts across.
HE THREW IT AT THE PROFESSOR. it's really hot in here. she was invited for lunch. "Your round!" 505 A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class. However. Is this her first child?" He replies. "a double negative forms a positive. right. THE PROFESSOR STOPPED HIS LECTURE AND TAKING THE SLIP IN HIS HAND HE SAID 'WHIC H OF THE GENTLEMAN HERE HAS SENT ME HIS VISITING CARD?' 513 A mother‐in‐law sent two ties to her son‐in‐law. with the Mother‐in‐law maintaining a stony silence. 504 A square and a circle walk into a bar. 511 Q: What do you tell a mathematician on a Saturday night ? A: Don't drink and derive. they would fall into the boat. "Alright. The meal was a tense and uncomfortable one. The sausage turns to the egg and says: "Gosh egg." 506 There's a sausage and an egg in a frying pan. "No! This is her husband!" 508 What did the policeman say to his belly? You're under a vest! 509 Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!!! 510 Why do deep sea divers jump out of the boat backwards when they want to go into the water? Because if they jumped forward. "Yeah." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Calm down. though. The square says to the circle. Where did Napoleon keep his armies? A." . Finally she spoke. In his sleevies 503 How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. such as Russian. and so he wore one of them in the hope of pleasing her. Some weeks later.501 what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? FROSTBITE!!! 502 Q. 512 A PROFESSOR WAS GIVING ONE OF HIS LECTURES. isn't it?" The egg turns to the sausage and says: "Oh my god! A talking sausage!!" 507 A guy phones the local hospital and yells "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says." he said. IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS LECTURE A STUDENT WROTE 'FOOL' ON A SLIP OF PAPER. In some languages. "In English. there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. a double negative is still a negative. what's wrong with the other tie.
The man went downstairs. He comments. she calls back thats not a lion it's a cat. 519 There was a knock on the door in the early hours. Junior. and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. one of the ducks said "Quack" The other duck said "I was going to say that!" 522 What's black and white and black and white and black and white? A: A Penguin rolling down a hill. 516 A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. " I think . don't you remember when we broke down and were glad of a push?".514 What did the orange say to the banana on the street corner? "Hi" 515 Wy was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9." 517 what did batman say to robin before they got in the car? Robin. he told her some nutter wanting a push. mate?". 523 What did the small rug say to the large rug? Cover me I'm cold. The engineer looks out the window and sees a black sheep. saying that this was a ridiculous hour to be knocking people up. and said"OK. "From this observation.mate. 526 An engineer. will you pop home and fetch my umberella?"So off went Junior for father's umberella. Now you can catch it like a normal rhino. They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said . Then physicist looks and comments. What's black and white and laughing? A: The Penguin that pushed him. The man was very angry."that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts. he calls" hey you can't leave that lying there. 525 How do telephones get married? They just give each other a ring. we can only say there ." And a voice from the door said. Then let the rhino chase you around a lake until the rhino is hot and takes off the hat. opened the door. She said"You shouldn't have refused him. shut the door."If you do that I won't go. 520 Why is a tree better than a guard dog? It has more bark! 521 Two ducks were sitting in a pond. "Look. opened the door. When his wife asked who it was. and went back upstairs." said mother tortoise to father tortoise. 524 old lady knocks down a cat as she drives along the main street a police man comes along as she drives off.: You kick it's back.: How do you catch a rhino wearing a wool‐hat? A.but three days later he still hadn't returned. "I think its going to rain. and a voice said"Will you give us a push. so he went downstairs again. they have black sheep in Scotland". dear. where are you?" And a voice said "Over here on the swings". a physicist. get in the car 518 Q.
you know. 534 What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley 535 Q: Why do people say you never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes? A: Because then when you do you'll be a mile away and have their shoes." 528 What do chiropodists eat for breakfast? Cornflakes! :) 529 What happenend to the car mechanic that fell asleep dreaming about cars? He woke up exhausted 530 Why do birds sing and humming birds hum? Humming birds don't know the words. 539 Me: Ask me if I'm an orange! You: Are you an orange? . and electron walk into a bar. there is no charge. 532 "You're a high‐priced lawyer! If I give you $500. 'Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?' asks the policeman. it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along. The bartender says. The proton orders a drink." 527 A proton. 'I asked you what you were planning on doing if you met MIST OR FOG!' And threw the book at him. will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?" 533 teacher) "Jonny why are you late for class" Jonny) "well I was on my way to shool and I was almost here but thjen I crossed a sign saying SLOW so I had to go really slow and that's what took me so long. and switch on Mr headlights and Mr windscreen wipers'. and asks how much it costs. "five dollars.' says the businessman. "Actually. neutron. officer. .A: you get repossesed 538 What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. the electron orders a drink and asks how much it costs. thinking it best to play along. 'I suppose I'd ease off on Mr accelerator. from this we can only say there is at least one sheep in Scotland that's black on one side. actuallly no. Again the bartender says. 'Well. 536 What do you get if you cross a mammal with a reptile? A Nobel prize 537 Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorsist.' 'And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?' demands the policeman. "five dollars.is at least one black sheep in Scotland. The policeman leans in the window and eyeballs the businessman. 'Eh. "for you." The mathematician then looks and comments. The bartender says. . 531 A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work when he is stopped by a policeman. ." Finally the neutron orders a drink and asks how much it costs." Next. .
The copper turns around again and sees the man laughing even harder! The frustrated copper then shouts to the man. He tells her to touch her foot with her finger she yells in aggony. "What the hell you finding so funny??" The man replies. ham and cheese. The copper turns around and sees the man laughing! So the copper goes and smahes each of the cars windows. an engineer and a computer scientist are travelling together in a car.Me: No! 540 What's the difference between a trampoline and a bagpipe? Eventually you get tired of jumping on a trampoline.. says the mechanic. 548 A man is driving down the road when he gets pulled over by a copper." 542 A patient walks into the doctors office and says doctor I have pain anywhere I touch my body with my finger! The doctor says thats unusuall. "turn the ignition key without touching the pedal. onions. 544 "Thats a funny reptile you have whats its name?" "Tiny" "Why do you call it Tiny" "Because he is My Newt" 545 Police were called to a Pizza Hut in Leeds at the weekend after the body of a worker was found covered in mushrooms. While the man stands in the circle. "Everytime you turned around. The mechanic and engineer each try various techniques to restart the car.. but there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself 546 Q:Why does an elephant paint its nails red? A: so it won't be noticed between the strawberries.. "No. "Pump the accelerator a couple of times".ever seen an elephant between the strawberries? 547 What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple? ‐ Finding half a maggot in your apple. the computer scientist confidently announced his solution.. ." replies the engineer.. the copper gets out a hammer and smashes the cars headlights. when the motor suddenly fails. So he tell her to touch her arm with her finger and she screams in pain. A police spokesman said that the cause of death had not been established.. 541 A mechanic. The doctor then goes to the patient and says just as as I though your finger is broken! 543 What's red and invisible? No tomatoes. After the failure of several more attempts. He tells her to touch her leg with her finger and she screams. i've been jumping in and out of this circle!! 549 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and quivers? A: A nervous wreck. "Let's all get out of the car. then get back in." The car refuses to start. Does it work? Well. The copper draws a circle on the floor and asks the man to stand in it.
Horologically. When he arrives at his hotel he sends her a quick message. "I see millions and millions of stars. 552 Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused to have his mouth frozen when he went to the dentist? He wanted to transcend dental medication. "Watson. just checked in. Well theres a turn‐up for the books. then spoke. His wife is on a business trip that is ending the next day and she plans to fly down and meet him. he does his best from memory. . 555 I cut the bottom off one of my trouser legs the other day and sent them to the library. Theologically. I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Unfortunately. and went to sleep. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute. screams and faints. 551 What do you call a princess who worries all the time? A warrior princess. I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. PS It sure is hot down here. "Astronomically. "Watson. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night. Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Astrologically. Some hours later. Your loving husband.. an angel. 553 A man had a dog called minton. Meteorologically. he doesn't get it exactly right and the message is routed instead to someone whose husband recently passed away. Looking forward to us being together again. I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "And what does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. Suddenly a bat comes flying in the air. 556 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. I observe that Saturn is in Leo. When the owner found out he said bad minton!!!! 554 A guy takes a trip for a short holiday. She pokes her head into the Physchiatrist's office and says there is a man here who wants to talk to you and he claims he's the Invisible man. One day minton ate two shuttle cocks.550 A little babymouse is walking hand in hand together with her mother. Unable to find the piece of paper on which he wrote her company e‐mail address. she takes one look at her monitor. everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. When the grieving widow opens her e‐mail. The Physchiatrist replies "Tell him I can't see him right now"." Watson replied. The message on the computer screen read: My darling wife . look up at the sky and tell me what you see. The little mouse point's at the bat saying: Look Mammi.. you pillock! Someone has stolen our tent!" 557 A guy walks up to the receptionist in the Physchiatrist's office and says "I'm the Invisible man and I'd like to talk to the Doctor".
the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese‐base‐one ‐ we need you to get a third load of that brie!" But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. "That's it" the owner replies. When he asks the bartender how much he owes him. Soon a flight attendant came and asked him the reason for his behaviour. I'm a chandelier. One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie. just him" the owner says. I'm a chandelier" again. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more. they also offered river crossings in the boat. moored on the banks of the river.. and collected samples to be returned to mission control.558 What's black. A while later the owner returns to find the one working diligently and the other back on the ceiling. After listening to his .. 566 A group of astronaughts are on the moon. Since competition in their area was quite fierce.. As an added bonus." The owner orders him to come down and get back to work. "It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. They've been mining the surface. and have discovered that it really is made of cheese. singing "I'm a chandelier. We don't want to leave this place looking bad. and purple all over? A zebra with a bruise! 559 An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. blue. The man replies. After much thought. with the dentistry work being performed during the crossing." Then the owner notices that the man who had been working all the time was packing up all his things also.. 560 Was that wig expensive? How much did you have toupee for it? 561 A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. he sees one man working diligently and the other man hanging on the ceiling. it's no charge. "Are you kidding? I can't work without any light!" 565 A group of dentists decided to set up a new surgery. and they've already been there twice. the bartender says. they decided to set up shop on board a boat. "You're not fired. "you are fired. singing "I'm a chandelier." 562 What do you call a Swiss Financier on the Paris Undergound? A metronome. After the owner explains everything. After some turbulence the village bum asked the man sitting next to him to open the window so he can throw up. he leaves. The business quickly became known as the Tooth Ferry. When he returns a while later. "After all ‐ have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?" 567 Once a village bum went on an airplane for the first time. The man told him the window cannot be opened so the village bum started beating up the man. they wanted their new business to have something unique about it. All of a sudden. white. 563 Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum that it COULD be done. "For you. 564 Two men are hired to do a job in a building.
575 An American. Beatrix 569 Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay. Months go by and the Australian and American have made do without the Japanese man and have built a rigid bamboo hut.." 580 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. 574 Why din't the tedy bear finish its dinner? it was stuffed. After a while the flight attendant came and saw all the passengers barfing. 573 Why can't an Engineer tell a joke timing. on the horizon a Navy helicopter appears and lands of the beach. the Japanese man jumps out from behind a palm tree and screams "SUPPLIES!!" 576 What makes God laugh? Ans: People making plans. 577 Dave: Me and the missus went to the Caribbean this year for our summer holidays. they'd be bagels. 570 What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back? WHEEEE!!! 571 early one morning a gentleman was doing his push up exercises in central park when a drunk came along and tapped him on the shoulder and said "say mister i think your girlfriends gone home" 572 I had a dream that i was a muffler last night. an Australian and a Japanese man become stranded on a tropical island. Finally.complaint the flight attendant told him about the barf bag. the parot said. 568 Q. she went of her own accord! 578 Q: Why do elephants drink? A: To try and forget 579 A black man walks into a store with a parot on his shoulder. the Australian and American joyfully run up to it. I woke up exhausted. "Africa. John: Jamaica? Dave: No. Suddenly. Since the village bum was the only one not throwing up the flight attendant asked him what had happened.. "I'll be in charge of engineering" he then looks at the Australian and says "You can be in charge of building" and finally looks at the Japanese man and says "You're in charge of the supplies". there is a whole bunch of them down there. They all wander off into the jungle and all except the Japanese man return a few hours later. the clerk ask where he got him from. The American decides to take charge and says.. To this the village bum replied that as he was throwing up everyone stared at him so being embarassed he drank it back. What do you call a woman who can balance 4 pints of beer on her head? A. ..
581 What do you call a fly with out wings? A walk 582 How do nuns boil water? They boil the hell out of it. 583 A male ostrich was chasing two female ostriches. The one female said to the other, "He's starting to gain on us, we better hide!" So, they stopped and stuck their heads in the sand. The male ostrich said, "...Hey, where'd they go?" 584 A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says "Who shot my paw?" 585 A string walks into a bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here". So the string goes into another bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here". So the string goes into ANOTHER bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve strings here". The string gets all mad, so he pulls and ruffles himself all up. The string then goes into another bar and the bartender says "We don't serve... hey? Arn't you a string?" and the string replies "Im a frayed knot". 586 When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil. 587 Descartes walks in to a bar. The bartender ask if he'd like a beer. Descartes replies, "I think not." Then he disapears. 588 A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says what will it be. The fish replies water! 589 A depressed horse walks into a bar. The barman asks him, "Why the long face?" 590 A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I've been having the strangest dreams. Last night I dreamed I was a teepee, and the night before I dreamed I was a wigwam. What do you think it means?" The doctor pondered a moment and replied, "Well, it sounds like you're two tents." 591 two peanuts walk down the street and one was a salted. 592 Q. what did the male volcano say to the female volcano? A. do you lava me like i lava you! 593 A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
594 Q: why did the football coach go to the bank ? A: to get his quarterback! 595 Did you hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red paint and black paint? The whole crew was marooned. 596 How many surrealists does it take to change a light blub? To get to the other side. 597 Why didn't the Clam share his candy? Because he was Shellfish 598 What is the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence? I don't know and I don't care one way or the other. 599 A Philosopher and scientist were being chased by a lion. The Scientist looked back and made a swift calculation. Puffing, he said to the philosopher ‐ 'we can't out run it you know' The Philosopher was slightly ahead, he replied 'I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to out run you! 600 Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. Bartender asks "Olive or Twist?"
Why can't dalmations play hide and seek?
601 Why can't dalmations play hide and seek? Because they are always spotted. 602 An inebriate enters a restaurant and asks the cashier, "Did you see me come in the door, there?" "Yes I did, sir." "Have you ever seen me before?" "No, I haven't." "Then, how did you know it was me?" 603 What do you call a one legged ballarenia's costume? A One‐One 604 A doctor says to his patient,"Without these treatments, you've got 3 months to live," and hands him a bill. The patient says, "My God! Look at all these. I can't come up with this kind of money in 3 months!" The doctor says, "Alright! You've got 6 months to live." 605 How do you make a cat go woof? Pour petrol on it. 606 A swede(vegetable) walks in to a library and the librarian looks up and says "There's a turnip for the books"
607 If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness, divorced him and married Herman Munster, she'd be Sondra Locke Ness Munster. 608 A guy goes to the doctor and complains he can't stop singing the "Green, Green Grass Of Home". The doctor says it's the Tom Jones Syndrome The guys asks if it's common. The doctor replies: "It's not unusual" 609 "Doctor, I used to think I was a dog, but I reckon I'm cured now‐wow‐wow!" "I see. How long did you have this complaint?" "Ever since I was a puppy." "Interesting. Well, just lie on the couch there." "But I'm not allowed on the couch..." 610 Q: What is big, grey and sings the Blues? A: Elephant Gerald. 611 What's yellow and stupid? Thick custard!!!!! 612 Knock Knock Who's there ? Boo Boo who Dont cry 613 If I eat three cakes in the morning and three for tea... what will I have/ Answer: A tummyache 614 A pirate walks into a pub. Another patron, having never met a pirate before, wants to know the stories behind the battle scars. He buys the pirate a pint, and strikes up a conversation. "How'd you get the peg leg?" "Shark took off me leg in the South Seas." "How about that hook?" "Lost the hand in a sword fight." "And the eye patch?" "Seagull pooped in me eye." "Are seagull droppings really that dangerous?" "No, but it were me first day with the hook." 615 A man goes into a pub and sees his best friend playing chess with a dog. He says "That's a very clever dog you've got there!" to which his friend replied, "He's not that clever, he doesn't often win!" 616 A magician is very happy because he has got a job on the Titanic.So he gets on the ship, and that night he does his act in front hundreds of people but doesn't get very far for his parrot keeps giving away the answers"It's under the table.It's up his sleelve.It's behind his back." The magician goes off the stage very depressed, and this happened again and again and
again until one night, unfortunaly, the ship hit an ice‐berg and sank!Luckily, the magician and his parrot escaped in a lifeboat.They sailed on and on for days without seeing anyone, and through all of this time, the parrot had a look of total confusionon his face and didn't utter a single word.The magician thought that the parrot must be sick of hunger, until one day when the parrot said. "O.K. I give up.Where have you hidden the stupid ship???!!!!" 617 A man is driving to work and is called on his mobile. It's his boss saying he's been promoted. The man is so happy his car wobbles in the road. A little while later there is another phone call and he's been promoted again. He is so happy he swerves into the middle of the road and back into his lane. Later there is another phone call. For the 3rd time he is promoted. He is so overwhelmed with joy that he swerves off the road and bangs into a tree. A passing car stops and a man gets out and says "Are you alright, what happened?" and the other man replies "I 'careered' off the road." 618 why did the mermaid blush because the seaweed! 619 Why did the muddy chicken cross the road twice? Answer: He was a Dirty Double‐Crosser! 620 Why did the dog cross the road twice? Answer: He was trying to fetch a boomerang! 621 Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock? A moon rock's a little meteor. 622 There's this guy with a wooden eye. He's very sensitive about it, so he doesn't get out much. One day, he sees an ad for a dance, and he decides to go. He gets there, and he sees an attractive young lady with a gigantic nose. He thinks to himself "Well, she has that huge nose. Maybe she'll be more accepting of my wooden eye." He walks over to her and says "Would you like to dance?" She replies "Oh! Wouldn't I!" He shouts "Big nose! Big nose!" 623 Guy is sitting in a bar. A beautiful woman walks in. She's a knock‐out and he can't take his eyes off her. She notices him and smiles. She sashays over and sits beside him. She looks into his eyes and tells him, "For $200 I'll do anything you want." He's astounded. "Anything?!", he asks her. "Yes, _anything_!", she replies. He takes out his wallet and slaps $200 on the bar. "Here's $200. Paint my house!" 624 A man came home from golfing one Saturday a little later than he usually did. His wife asked him why. "Bob had a heart attack and died right there on the 9th hole!" he explained. "Oh, my goodness, how horrible!" she exclaimed. "No wonder you're late!" "Yeah," he said. "For the whole rest of the course, it was 'hit the ball, drag Bob, hit the ball ...'" 625 someone was walking in street & carrying a rabbit, another one met him & ask: How much does this donkey cost? the man reply: it is not a donkey it is a rabbit, the another said: I didn't ask you I'm asking the rabbit :))
The second one says." 629 What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels 630 A man walks up to the main desk a library and says in a loud commanding voice to the librarian.626 Whats the differance between a shark and a lemon? They both swim. I'll take two hamburgers. and one television turns to the other and says "we're not getting a great reception in here" 634 Why did the projector blush? Because it saw the film strip. the mother said. this is a library! The man pauses for only a split second and then leans over close to her. I'll take two hamburgers. 637 In a dark night. 638 A young lad came home after his first day at school was asked by his mother how did he enjoy his first day at school. "What do you think I am. she says to him. 627 What's blue and square? a banana in disguise 628 A mother put her child to sleep and then went to the kitchen. "That's your third glass tonight! What's wrong with you? Why are you so thirsty?" "Oh!" said the little boy. a typewriter?" 636 Why are chickens considered good employees? Because they work around the cluck. the other asks: "Are you really sure that you lost your key right at this place?". we don't serve your kind in here". They kept . no mayonnaise. Minutes later the boy returned asking for a glass again. "just spots. 635 Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. I lost it further down the road. The water's not for me. "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an opthalmologist?" "No." The physician scratched his head. Another helps seeking. and whispers. and after half an hour on their knees." 633 Two televisions walk into a bar and the barman says "sorry." replied the patient. The first one asks the second one to pass him the soap. under a street lantern. The librarian looks up at him. The mother wondered what could make her child so thirsty and when he came back down asking for another glass of water. "Can I have a glass of water?" The mother gave him a glass and he back upstairs. shocked. cups his hand over his mouth so as to direct his voice only to her ear. but here the lightning is better!". and an order of fries. The roof's on fire. except for the lemon. and an order of fries. no mayonnaise. She then saw her son and he asked. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes. 631 what goes haha bonk? a man laughing his head off! 632 "Doctor!" said the patient. He told her that the other kids were teasing him. Sir. The one answers: "No. someone seeks after a lost key. Summoning up all the testy authority she can.
pulls the flagpole out of the ground. "Why am I so big and strong and heavy and you are so tiny." his wife nodded. there's a fly in my soup. She then asked him to go the store and get ten pounds of potatoes. Waiter: There can't be." . bright.. If the dog has snow on his back. The CAT 644 A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. He walks over. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet. 639 Why aren't elephants allowed on the beach? They can't keep their trunks up. The elephant said to the mouse. dropping the tape and the whole thing is in a mess.laughing and calling him big head." "Yeah. So they went to the flagpole with a ladder and measuring tape.. showing her a small.. Of course. An engineer comes along and sees what they are trying to do. Go to your back door and look for the dog. He asked her what could use to carry them in.. Sincerely. ''Isn't that just like an engineer? We are looking for the height and he gives us the length!'' 645 A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. it is probably raining really hard." Van Gogh replies. We used them all in the raisin bread. weak and puny and grey?" The mouse said. She replied ‐‐‐‐ use your hat." he said to his wife. "Well. "Listen to this. "I've got one 'ere. measures it from end to end. She also told him that there was nothing wrong with his head. I've been ill haven't I!" 642 Customer: Waiter. 640 How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later. If the dog is at the door and he is wet. you have to leave the dog outside all the time. "Fancy a pint Vincent?" he asks "No thanks. it's probably raining. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way. "It says I'm energetic. After the engineer left. resourceful and a great person. 643 To Tell the weather. gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. white card. to be able to tell the weather like this. His mother told him to ignore them. it's probably windy." 646 A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh sitting in the corner.They keep falling off the ladder. especially if you expect bad weather.. lay it flat. one manager turns to another and laughs. 641 An elephant and a mouse were talking together. it's probably snowing. too. "and it has your weight wrong.
the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2. he asks the barman." replies the psychic." "Great!" says the frog. What have an orange and a parrott got in commom? A. Neither of them can drive a tractor. "the steaks are too high." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1." 648 A man goes to the doctors and says 'I have a problem doc. that's just a little competition. grey and wrinkled? Because if they were small. "Will I meet her at a party?" "No.000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. where do you live then?" and the other replies." 655 Q: How many pragmatists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Next year. The owner says. "Well. "I don't think so". white and smooth they would be aspirin." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?" To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!" 657 How do you keep an elephant from charging? . "Oh.". "Would you like to have a go?". the barman explained. you'll nick my washing off the line!" 651 son to mother "there's a man at the door with a bill" mother to son "don't be silly it must be a duck with a hat on" 652 Why are elephants big. in a biology class. it knows how to use a computer. 649 Q. 650 Two oranges are walking down the road.". my 't's or my 'h's. "I'm not telling you. "If you can jump up and catch a piece of meat between your teeth.647 Man walks into a bar and immediately notices two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling.000 dollars. you buy the whole bar a drink." Naturally. then you get a free drink. "So.". 656 A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. "If you fail. The doctor says 'well you can't say fairer than that'. "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. replied the man. the barman asked. The one orange says to the other. however. "What's with the meat?". 653 Did you hear about the man that was walking down the street and turned into a hotel? 654 A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. I can't say my 'f's.
nothing. ‐ No? Then I suppose your barn is on fire. "Yeah. because on average the bird was dead! 660 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.It gasped. takes off his golf cap.Take away his credit card! 658 What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on a head and I'll just hang around. 664 One dark foggy night. and bows down in prayer.As I scrambled to my feet. One shot went two metres to the left of the duck.Immediately the car started to move again.. god. the ghostly. Both aimed and fired. 659 Two statisticians when duck hunting. 665 Two farmers are standing by a fence.diddle I? 667 How do you get a philosopher off your porch? . Not being very good. He stops in mid‐swing. I've been pushing it for half a mile!" . and then a voice croaked "I know.Moments later the car stopped and I almost fell out. I looked closer and then opened the passenger door(I was on that side)and braced myself to climb in. 662 Two cows in a field." 661 What do you call a mystic midget who has just escaped from prison? A small medium at large. je suis Napoleon" 663 If at first you don't succeed. it stopped! Through the windows I could see no‐one ‐ no driver. butcher: what? man: I said a pound of kidleys! butcher: don´t you mean a pound of kidneys? man: that´s what I said. shambling figure of a man drifted towards me out of the fog and I screamed out "Oh. well we were married 35 years. just as slowly! I froze. Skydiving isn't the sport for you. that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.. they did not see a duck all day. they went home very happy. there's something wrong about this car!" The shadowy figure stopped. the other two metres to the right. His friend says. You truly are a kind man. One of them asks the other: ‐ Do your cows smoke? ‐ No." The man then replies. One turns to the other and says "Are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?" The other cow says "Non. I was walking alone on a narrow country road when out of the fog appeared a small car moving very slowly ‐ and with no sound! I jumped to the side of the road but as it drew level. 666 a man walks into a butchers shop: man: a pound of kidleys please. a duck flew out in front of them. "Wow. and the duck escaped. Just as they agreed to leave. However. closes his eys. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. kneeling on the seat clutching its back.
" The other one says. "The house is very nice. A toast‐mortem 672 Two television aeriels met on top of a roof and fell in love. 679 A couple are out touring a house that they want to buy with a realtor when they ask the realtor. Why is television called a medium? A.Pay for the pizza. we don't serve breakfast". What do you give dead bread? A. 678 A large hole appeared in the High Street this morning. What do Cats like to eat for breakfast?. One says. The police are looking into it. and soon decided to get married. 674 knock knock who's there? Alison Alison who? Alison Wonderland 675 What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic 676 Two elderly gentlemen were talking. seven robberies." 680 Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana." 677 Q. this new hearing aid I got works great! I can hear everything now. 671 Q. . 668 What do u call a gingerbread man with only one leg?? Limp Biscuit 669 Q. one to change the bulb and one to kick the chair out from underneath him. there have been six murders. "That's wonderful! What kind is it?" "It's a quarter past two. and the bartender says "Sorry. but is this a quiet neighborhood?" The realtor answers. It is neither rare nor well‐done. 681 If miss universe is not fixed then why are all the winners from earth 682 Bacon and eggs walks into a bar. "Sure. The service was terrible ‐ but the reception was brilliant! 673 Where does a policeman live? 999 letsbe avenue. "Boy. and no one heard a thing. A. Mice‐Krispies 670 How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two.
One day I'll have the full set. no more Cadillac STS in the garage." "Well that's the last straw. but the decision is yours.you. and we'll have to sell the 26‐room house and move to two smaller homes. I want a divorce. A friend of his wanted to cocratulate him so he went to the local florist and asked if he could have some flowers delivered to the man. and no more country club.683 What did one snake say to another? "Mum. "Is it you. meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable. "Who was that?!" "Oh. are we supposed to be poisonous?" "No son. "I've had enough."No. I'm the friar"!! 697 Jesus decided to help St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.On the first day of opening a woman comes in and sees one of the monks peeling spuds. he replies. so she says to him. or the Caribbean." says her husband.. if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West. "You must be the chipmonk". why?" "Because I just bit my lip!" 691 A business owner has just moved places and was reopening soon. 695 What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist Tooth hurty 696 A monstery falls on hard times so 2 monks decide to open a FISH & CHIP bar."I was a carpenter. "Ours is prettier. Pinocchio?" ." 694 I collect badgers. father?" The old man peered back at him. "but remember." Just then."How have you lived your life?" The old man replied.. " Is it." Jesus looked closely at the old man. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "I am sure there was a muck up in your delivery service. I am going to hire the most aggressive. It was the boss. no more summers in Tuscany." replies her husband. His wife glares at him and says.. A very old man approached and Jesus asked him. a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm." replies the husband. says she'll see him later and walks away. "That's his mistress. "she's my mistress. my flowers came but it said: Rest In Peace on it" "Well I'm sorry" was the reply "But you think of these mourners at a funeral at the moment with flowers with a card saying: Congratulations on your new place" 692 what should you do if you get snow in your mouth? Just grit your teeth! 693 A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table. The wife replies. He then asked the florist worker to write something clever to go with the flowers. A few days later the florist receives phone call." "I can understand that." says the wife. is it. gives the husband a big kiss.
"Oh. the postman gets so upset he yells: "NO! For the last time."she said. you don't want to eat it all at once. He says to the bar man " a pint for me and one for the road"." 700 A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. "Now Mary. "No. we don't have any corn here. you silly girl. "Well sir." The next day the duck enters the store again and asks: "Do you have any corn?" A bit annoyed the postman answers: "No! We don't have any corn.The teachers don`t like me. "When you got a pig that terrific." 701 A duck walks in to a postoffice and asks the postman: "Do you have any corn?" The postman answers politely: "No. and he dragged my kids to safety!" "Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked."said the teacher. sir. the pig's owner came along."said Mary. Can you help him?" Shrink says. "Let me tell you. "Oh no. Finally one day when the duck asks:" Do you have any corn?". As he was pondering this. my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. "when you got a pig that terrific. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!" "So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.John. The farmer said. John:I don`t want to go to school. I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!" "So that's how he lost his leg.698 Couple goes to a psychiatrist.eat your breakfast.the children don`t like me‐even the caretaker doesn`t like me! . "But a month ago. "Sure. no. we don't have any corn. "Bark. you don't want to eat it all at once. "Doc."said Mary. that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg." This goes on for a couple of days. and if you ask again. And just a week ago." Woman says." 699 A man walks into a bar with a piece of tar mac under his arm." Then the duck asks:" Do you have any corn?" 702 A teacher was taking her class for a walk in the woods. He's not allowed on the couch. my husband thinks he's a dog. I'll nail your beak to the counter!!" The next day the duck returns to the store and asks: "Do you have any nails?" The postman answers:" No." "Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged." the man asked. "No." replied the farmer."Bark!" "Oh all right then. Woman says. "Woof‐Woof!" 703 Mum:Come on. "What do you call the outside of a tree?! "I don`t miss." the farmer replied. have him lie down on the couch.you`ll be late for school.
. recently accused George. 711 There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery. the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.Mum.. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well. Later that evening. he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. don't be afraid'.for one thing you`re forty five years old. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute. hand me the broom'. "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!" 712 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.. you must go. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. 705 How do you confuse an idiot? Purple!! 706 Q. I'll never forget that game of cards. 710 Joan.and for another your the headmaster. John:Why should I go? Mum:Well.. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there. "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. and his wife was sitting by his side. His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too.All the same.." . His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing.. He left the broom on the back porch. So it will fit in the box." She said. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom. Apparently he fell asleep at the wheel! 709 One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. 704 There are two teddy bears in the airing cuboard. His eyes fluttered open and he said. George stared at her for a moment. and said nothing. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day! 713 "This day holds a lot of meaning for me. of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. She then asked him to please go get it. Why is Toblerone triangular? A. which one is in the army? Answer:The one on the tank. 707 Q: What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A: The same middle name! 708 Did you hear about the Hamster found dead in his cage?. a local man.
"What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh. "I suppose I'd limp too. what would you do in a case like this?" "Well. darling." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. "Oh. so she complained to the butcher." answered the policeman. "If you're guilty." said the intern." 716 Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. I haven't had a chance to go shopping. Finley looked up wide‐eyed and stated. "Yes. Finley." wondered the child. At the store. the man accused of committing the crimes. "How are you. when the trial started I thought I was innocent. she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry. tacked to a bulletin board. "As you can see the patient is limping because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. . of the 10 most wanted men. "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" 718 While making his rounds. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "I've had such a bad day. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house. but that was before I heard all the evidence against me. 714 After a trial had been going on for three days. I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." said the housewife. mother. On top of that. "sit down. "Don't worry. the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. darling?" it said. a doctor points out an X‐ray to a group of interns.‐ Anon." 715 Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts. lady. Inside the envelope is a note that reads: "What are you looking in here for?" 721 A worried Mrs. my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public‐address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbours. "Your Honor. stood up and approached the judge's bench. In one of his pockets. "Well." she said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping. that he woke up the missus. and besides. I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. "Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down "I can't" he said "I've drank it!" 717 A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures. the police find an envelope." Several aisles later." "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinnes up the stairs" he shouted. however. and a woman I know intended to stock up." he said. breaking into bitter tears. Michael." 720 A man commits suicide. "Well.
" There was a short pause and the housewife said. I guess I have the wrong number.. I'll do your shopping. George! Your husband! . I'll be over in half an hour. Now stop crying. The doctor replies "Oh pull yourself together". I dreamed I ate a 2‐ton marshmellow." "George?" said the housewife. "Does this mean you're not coming over?" 722 did you hear bout the three eggs..Is this 555‐1374? "No." "Oh. and close your eyes. Steve: What's wrong with that? Ted: When I woke up my pillow was gone 732 The scene is a butcher's shop Customer: "I'd like a pound of kidleys. clean up the house. and cook your dinner for you. two bad 729 What you call a snowman with a sun tan? A puddle! 730 If atheletes get athelete's foot. "Who's George?" "Why. 738 Why was the back end of a horse walking down the road? Because the front end was.. A: One. My Mother would nopt let me take it as she did not want me to pick up any dirty habits. please" Butcher: "Surely you mean kidneys. what do astronauts get? Missile toe!! 731 Ted: I had the worst dream last night. this is 555‐1375.. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly.relax. madam" Customer: "I said kidleys. I'm sorry. 736 A man rushes into the doctors and says "Doctor doctor you've got to hep me I think I'm a pair of curtains". 737 What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle? A polo bear. I'll do everything. but it would need to be very large. 734 Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay they woul be called bagels! 735 Q: How many many balls of wool would it take to reach the moon. 739 What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit? An egg! . I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once. didle I!" 733 I was offered a job in a monastery laundry. In fact.
745 Docter docter I swallowed a camera? Lets hope nothing serious develops 746 What is square and blue? An orange. 751 What do you call a man with seagulls flying around his face? Cliff 752 What do you get when you play a country song backwards? You get your dog back. I've just won the lottery. Beertrix 754 Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? Sold his soul to Santa.740 How is a lawyer different than and angry chicken? The angry chicken "clucks defiance"! 741 ME: doctor doctor. replies the butcher. "Pack your bags sweetheart. "Wow. and he has to touch it. 743 why did the blind chicken cross the road? To get to the birds eye shop! 744 There were two boys called manners and shut up. "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies." 748 This guy runs home and bursts in yelling. His wife decides to make a wish. and drowns. I've only got 50 seconds to live! DOCTOR: Just a Minute 742 A man walks into a butcher's shop and asks the butcher "Have you got a sheep's head?".just pack & shove off!" 749 Ariel and Times New Roman walk into a bar. your wife back. The guy says.. all six numbers!" She says. "I don't care. I lied about it's shape and colour ! 747 A couple comes up to a wishing well. it really works. your house back. falls into the well. but she leans over too far. "No". Tell him a bench has wet paint. too. and throws in a penny. and he'll believe you. makes a wish. What's your name and shut up said shut up.. we don't serve your type in here" 750 Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars. "Sorry fella's. The shop keeper said that's not nice where's your manners. The shop keeper said to shut up. Shut up went to the sweet shop and manners went to the fish and chip shop. "it's just the way I part my hair". . The Barman takes one look and says. The guy leans over. In the fish and chip shop said shut up. and you sober up 753 What do you call a women who can juggle with beer? A.
shot the bartender dead. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed. Before you get settled in. "Welcome to Heaven. we don't sell wasps. everyone shook her hand and waved good‐bye. "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you. "Now you must choose your eternity" he said. it seems we have a problem. then you can choose your eternity" said St. "Well. "Yesterday I had great time here. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven.Peter put her in an elevator. She paused and then replied. gobbled up all the snacks.Peter. In front of her were all her fellow HR professionals. she had great time telling jokes and dancing. The doors opened. When it was time to leave. We've never once had HR manager make it this far. St. She met the Devil who was a really nice guy. it went down‐down‐down. but today you're staff. They played golf and she enjoyed steak and lobster dinner." she stammered. demanded a bowl of free bar‐snacks." So the panda grabbed the nearest bowl. "I'm sorry." 756 What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs is both the same! 757 A man went to a pet shop and said "I'd like to buy some wasps please. The patrons all asked each other "Who was that masked maurader?" The quiet little guy at the end of the bar calmly answered: "That was a panda." "Well I saw three of them in the window!" replied the man. 758 A bloke handed his mate an octopus that looked to be at death's door. she was standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage." The Devil looked at her and grinned. Johnson and asks what he most wishes for Christmas. When the doors opened.Peter. Johnson is desperately trying to make his drowsy brain work. without ordering a drink. Bedazzled he tries to think of something adequate but not too exaggerated. Next morning The Sunday Times says: Brezhnev wishes to end famine for Christmas. de Gaulle hopes all wars to end and Johnson likes to have after shave and a new pair of slippers. 759 Early morning in december 1968 a journalist calls Lyndon B. They ran up and kissed her. Her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage for the evening meal. and said "There's the six quid I owe you". playing the harp and singing. "I don't understand. The bartender refused: "Those snacks are for paying patrons." So she went down‐down‐down." The shop keeper said. Her soul arrived in heaven and she was met by St. They were all dressed in evening gowns. there was a golf course and we ate lobster. Heaven has been great but I think I had a better time in Hell. and stalked out. He eats shoots and leaves." 761 What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind after it hits the windshield of a car? It's rear end! . Then he pulled out a revolver. she stepped onto a beautiful golf course. Now all there is a wasteland and all my friends look miserable.755 A cross and hungry panda went into a bar and. 760 One day. a HR woman was hit by a bus and killed.
The psychiatrist said "Well. and I'll show you a coward! A huge. 767 How is the new furniture store doing? Sofa so good! 768 Is it okay to kiss a nun? Yes but dont get into the Habit! 769 Why should you take care of your grandparents in an Indian restaurant? In case your Nan slips into a Korma! 770 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 771 Little Johnny is working away furiously in the woodwork room when the teacher enters. 774 whats the fastest milk in the world ? pasturised (past‐ur‐eyes(d)) . MOOO.. walked to the little man and said: ‐ Here's an irishman. 766 A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling‐film underpants. The teacher looks puzzled. The ever int. "what are you making there. I've only made the handles!" 772 Teacher: Dude. 765 A guy walks into a doctor's office with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says "Don't worry ‐ I've got cream for that". "a portable what?". Johnny replies "I don't know yet Sir.. 773 knock knock Who's there? The ever interrupting cow. what do you call a cock that has a bad eye? Pupil: A cock‐eyed bird. bodybuilder looking guy stood up. "a portable" replies Johnny.762 what happens when monsters have a beauty contest? no‐one wins!!! 763 A small man jumped on a table in a bar and yelled: ‐ Show me an irishman. Johnny?" he asks. don't look now I'm changing. The little guy darted out of the door and yelled over his shoulder: ‐ And here goes the coward! 764 what did the traffic light say to the car. I can see you're nuts".
"I would like a coffee." the man replies. all are still hungry but one hangs there with blood on its face." says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "That's right. They all pester and nag "well it's alright for some! why don't you share this great feeding place with the rest of us?!" only to get told "Really. "Well. I am trying to out run you"! 779 Near dawn in a colony of Vampire bats. He also explains that they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. Flying round and round the tree they are again getting angry as there are no cattle to be seen. The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied " I am not trying to outrun the lion. After almost twenty‐four hours on the road. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. "The best entertainers from New York. the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic‐sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room. "But sir. When they check out four hours later. Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here. but the bloody‐nosed bat just says "You all thee dis tree dob't you. No cream on it. "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high." he says. well I dibn't!". He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel. The scientist made some quick calculations. Could it be with no milk?" 781 What do you call a person who used to like tractors a lot? An ex‐tractor fan !! . its catching up". the man insists on speaking to the manager. he said "its no good trying to outrun it. " she was here. they're too tired to continue. and you could have. we ran out of cream. you dob't wadt to gnow" which does nothing to calm them down so finally they are led off along the hedge and over the pastures to a big tree in the middle of a field. where usually there are cattle to feed from. "this check is only made out for $100. the man replies.775 why did Jim bring his car into school? Because he wanted to drive his teacher up the wall!!!! 776 two knights went into a hotel and said to the woman at reception 'i would like a room for two nights!!!!' 777 A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 780 A man walks into a pub where everybody else is having coffee with cream." explains the manager. but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road." 778 A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. and they decide to stop for a rest." "Sorry." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions.
DOCTOR: Ah. Farmer 1: Do your cows smoke cigarettes??? Farmer 2: No.782 A woman gives birth and it is just a head with no body or limbs. After looking over the girls in attendance. 'Another!' cries the man. then the son has all his limbs. 785 A man on holiday in India soon finds out about a monastery. he stumbles outside and is promptly run over by a bus.000 and all he can raise as collateral is a pink china elephant. She goes into the Manager's office and says "There's a frog outside whose name is Kermit Jagger ‐ he wants a loan of $10. after all he has never used them before. suddenly a body pops out of the head. after much encouragement. He says "Good Morning Miss Wack. so he goes and asks the monk at the bottom of the cliff weather he can get a lift up. of course not!! Farmer 1: Then your barn is on fire. About halfway through. the best his parents could manage was a home‐made wooden eye to fill the void. the monk agrees and they begin the journey. the drink is poured and the son drinks it down. Finally. I've come up in spots like cherries on a cake. 'give me a shot of absythe' the father asks the landlord. 788 Why did the dog go to bingo? So it could Winalot! 789 What's the black stuff between elephant's toes? SLOW ANTS. the only way to get to it is to take a half hour ride in a basket. the father is amazed. he takes it to the park and loves it as if it was a normal child. Surprised. Being self conscious he felt it unlikely he would ever find a girlfriend. the father decides to love it and give it the life that it deserves. he decided to attend a dance. Coming from a poor family. my name is Kermit Jagger and I want to take out a loan for $10. 790 A frog goes into a bank walks up to the teller whose name is Pat Wack." She looks at him curiously "Do you have any collateral?" He holds up a pink china elephant "This is my collateral". high in the hills. he looks at her and replies "Nicknack Patty Wack give the frog a loan ‐ his old man's a Rolling Stone". he asks the monk "how often does this rope get replaced?" The monk thinks on this for a few seconds and replies "Whenever it breaks. 787 PATIENT: Doctor. 791 There was a young fellow who lost an eye in a farm accident. 784 why did the skeleton cross the road? to get to the body shop. doctor. he noticed a girl who had a very large nose sitting alone." 786 What do you get when you cross a penguin with a centipede? ‐ Cold feet. 'give him another!' the father exclaims. the son drinks and arms pop out. Figuring she if anyone would be . fearful.000. "Just a moment please" she says "I'll have to see the Manager". on his 18th birthday the father decides to take him down to the pub to give him his first ever drink. The man decides this would be an adventurous thing to do. he is stumbling around the bar. the man notices that the rope that basket is hoisted up on is very frayed. you must have analogy. the barman turns to the father and says ' he should have quit while he was ahead!' 783 Two farmers are standing at a fence talking. being hoisted up the cliff face.
The black bear says "You've got two choices. pal. he sees a figure approaching slowly across the fields. well". rubbing the nose of every cow in turn." he says. 796 Man comes home from work to find boy next door digging big hole in lawn. then works her way around the field. He's sore for 2 days. The old lady rubs the nose of the last cow and resumes her path across the fields. "It's not a lion. each cow starts to warm up and come back to life." Troy bends over. At this moment his brother comes out to see what is going on ‐ the farmer explains what has happened and points out the little old lady as she disappears into the distance.understanding about his wooden eye. You've got 2 choices. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. give me a whisky. The farmer stands amazed as his cows start to move around again." Troy bends over for the bear." Man says "I'm sorry about your fish but why do you need such a big hole?" Boy replies "Well it's inside your cat!" 797 A farmer goes out one winter morning to find that all his cows are frozen solid where they stand. The polar bear says. it's a giraffe. "Hey. "you know who that is. but he recovers and vows revenge. So he goes bear hunting in Alaska. He sets the giraffe down by the door and walks up to the bartender. . One. 795 What do call a doll with sausages on her head? Barbie. "Either I maul you to death or we have sex. you can't just leave that lyin' over there. While he is wondering what to to." 793 A Hunting Trip Troy's all excited about his new rifle. but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover. "Ah. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The bartend looks at him and says." The guy looks at him and says gruffly. Slowly. he decided to ask her to dance. and he kills it with his first shot. "That was a big mistake. and he turns around to see a big black bear. Sure enough. Troy heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. we have sex. "Bartender. Crossing the floor he said "Would you like to dance?" The happy girl leaped to her feet and squealed "Would I? Would I?". says the brother. He survives. are you?" 794 Why was Cinderella such a bad football player? Her coach was a pumpkin. 792 A guy walks into a bar carrying a giraffe. you're not really coming up here for the hunting. "You know. The grizzly says. he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. I maul you to death or Two. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear. he's outraged. There is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. "Well I'm burying my goldfish Mr.Asks boy why. she looks at the cows. It is a little old lady. and. He shouted back at her "Big nose!! Big nose!!". don't you? Thora Hird!". There's a tap on his shoulder.
of course.' He replied that it was up to her. shopping in Paris or skiing in Gstaad. "Oh. and asks the bride. How did he get that?". The money didn't compensate for his loss". "yes. "Another tragic case. what happened?". a hotdog 802 Q:what do you get if you mix a cow with a camel ??? A:Lumpy milkshakes 803 What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup! 804 A man and wife were eating in a very exclusive restaurant when a georgeous woman came up to the table. he too.. pur her arm around the man and gave him a kiss . "He died from a fractured skull!". thats his mistress.. and asked. but a pencil must be lead. The insurance paid out. Why did the chicken cross the road? 800 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why was the rooser glued to the chicken? They ran out of tape. "Well. that's right". she stated. The wife asked 'Who's that with Bob? and her husband replied 'Oh. she replied. "Oh.' The wife said 'Who is that?' to which he replied 'That's my mistress. but it can never really compensate". what happened to the second husband?". I AM VERY sorry. "So this is your fourth husband?". 801 what do you call a dog with no legs Anser. Just then one of their friends came in to the restaurant with a georgous woman on his arm. "Well there was one in the window yesterday!" 799 You can take a horse to water. ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away.' The wife looked again and said 'Ours is prettier!' 805 An Insurance Assesor is at a wedding reception. very sad. I AM sorry. he . "Oh no". he died quite suddenly". but pointed out that there would no longer be a Lexus in the garage. The shop keeper said "I'm sorry sir we don't do flies". because that is just too much. "Can I ask what happened to your first husband?". By now. "That's terrible. The wife then said 'I want a divorce. "My word.798 A man went into a pet shop and said "I'd like to buy a fly please". Why did the rooster cross the road? He was glued to the chicken. "Did your third husband die from ingesting poisoned mushrooms?". the Assessor was very suspicious. "He unfortunately ate some poisoned mushrooms and passed away. and said 'I'll see you later.
The barman asks "What do you want?". The man says. can I have a pint of beer please?". grey & white on the inside? A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change." says the ostrich. "No!" The rabbit went back the next day and said. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. the man and ostrich come again. have you got any carrots?" 808 What do you call an Earl who is awarded an OBE? An earlobe. "Don't be so stupid. and as he sits. 813 A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him." and the ostrich says." says the bartender. in the same bar. Lost 811 What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! 812 Q: What's red & white on the outside." and turns to the ostrich. What do you call 100 penguins in TrafalgarSquare? A. "I'll have the same. "That will be $7." and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. "Same for me. a snail appears on the counter.wouldn't eat the mushrooms!!!!" 806 A snail is on the bar one Christmas. late one evening. 809 What was the film about referees called? A) The umpire strikes back. the two enter again. so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "The usual?" asks the bartender. and asks for his order. whereupon the snail shouts "What did you do THAT for?" !!! (Not as good as my poisoned mushroom joke!) 807 A rabbit went into a butchers shop and said. 810 Q.20. The following Christmas. The barman says "You WHAT?". "Got any carrots?" The butcher said. "In that case. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3. "No!" The rabbit said." says the man.40 please. snails don't drink beer" snarls the bar man and sweeps the snail off the bar on to the floor. The next day. "Got any nails?" The butcher said. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. "Got any carrots?" The butcher said." says the ostrich. My first wish was that if I ever had to . How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well. please?" repeats the snail. "No!" The rabbit went back to the butchers the next day and said. "Got any carrots?" The butcher said. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. "What about you?" "I'll have a beer too. "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. "May I have a pint of beer. "Well. and the man says "I'll have a beer. the bartender comes over. and asks the barman "Excuse me. "No! And if you come back tomorrow and ask if I have any carrots I'll nail your ears to the ceiling!" The rabbit went back to the butchers the next day and asked. it's close to last call. "I'll have a beer. This becomes a routine until. "Excuse me sir.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something.. darkest Africa comes the cry of the Sandwich bird ‐ "Eat me." "Heaven?. sir. Hi.. grass is greener Nothing to do but eat and sleep all day. darkest jungles of deepest.." 820 A priest conducts a service in a church "The person who puts the most in the church collection box can choose three hymns" he says." he said. what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs. I just put my hand in my pocket. Eat me". 824 What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out of your ear when I'm talking to you! 825 Farmer Fred has an American farmer visiting him.." "Oh.The collection box comes back to him after being filled up and he finds that someone has donated a thousand pounds "who has donated a thousand pounds?" he asks." it's me.pay for anything. but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce. 816 What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside? An elephant in a baggie! 817 What's green and likes snow? Ski‐weed 818 my dog minton ate all my shuttlecocks. The priest invites her to the front and tells her to choose three hymns." 814 A woman went to a seance and was successful in contacting her husband.So I guess that makes me an Icecube". The bartender asks.him and him" 821 What's yellow and always pints north? A magnetic banana! 822 Q‐How do you hide an elephant? A‐Paint its toenails red and stick it in a cherry tree." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender.. I'm a buffalo in Montana!" 815 From the deepest.." The man replies "That's O.. "My mum is from Ireland and my dad is from America. and the right amount of money will always be there. it works! 823 Two kids were talking in the playground." says the man.. You did get to Heaven.The first kid says. That makes me an Irish‐American". thank goodness.K. I've got my bike outside. The American farmer is boasting .badminton 819 A man walks into a greengrocers and says "Can I have a hammer please?".A women raises her hand .Pointing at the three most handsom men in the church she says "I'll have him. Everything's better. The assistant says "Sorry this is a greengrocers. the exact money is always there. The second kid says. sky is bluer. "One other thing."Well my mum is from Iceland and my dad is from Cuba. Q‐Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? A‐See.
he missed one letter. Red. and fell to the floor dead.. P. let out a piercing scream. 833 Why is 6am like a pigs tail? Because it's twirly! 834 A horse walks into a bar and the bar man says." Farmer Fred is silent for a while. it would.. When the grieving widow checked her e‐mail." 830 A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. 827 what did the green man turn red? so would you if you had to change in the street 828 Bill happened by his neighbor's house one day. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e‐mail address. drinking its beer when the door opens and a horse comes in. A talking dog!" 832 A man sees an ad for a joke contest in his local newspaper so he sends in ten puns. she took one look at the monitor. The other horse commiserates. Just got checked in. then move on to the next apple and the next..it would save time!" "Eh'yeah.." 826 what do you call a fish with three eyes ? fiiish. He saw his friend. Unfortunately. and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. John would patiently hold Snooks up so she could munch an apple right off the twig. but no pun in ten did. "That happening to all of us flat racers.about the size of his land in the United States: "My land is so big.' I thought 'That's a turn‐up for the books. He gets a letter back from the newspaper thinking he win. prize pig. he did his best to type it in from memory. "Hey we have a whiskey named after .S. too. "Same as before.. 831 A greyhound is sitting in pub. he decided to send his wife a quick e‐mail. The horses look at each in surprise. Des" says the horse "I get to within a hundred feet of the winning post and I fall over". Your Loving Husband. "Will you look at that.what's time to a pig!" 829 "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. once I had such a car. Sure is hot down here. "Hello. Then he nodds and says: "I know what you mean. It must some sort of disease" The dog interrupts "I can't believe it!. farmer John in the apple orchard holding his favorite. that it takes me two hours to drive around it by car. Bill. When he reached his hotel. her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. At the sound. John.. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. that's exactly what happened to me at Whitecity yesterday"." says Bill. It sits down beside another horse and starts to talk of its troubles. "not to interfere with your pastime but whyn't ya pick Snooks a bucket of them apples.but then.
The visitor asked the old man if the dog was playing chess and he replied "yes". "I win more games than he does!".sore arms! 843 What is a crocodile's favourite card game? snap 844 why can't you play poker in the jungle? because there is too many cheeters 845 A visitor to a small country town noticed an old man playing chess.He says"I want to buy a comb".. A: drop it in water.. Because it can knot 837 What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Justice Fingers 838 How elephants can you get in a mini? Two in the front and two in the back! How do you know if there's been an elephant in the fridge? There's footprints in the butter! How do you know if there's been two elephants in the fridge? There's two footprints in the butter! How do you know there's been three elephants in the fridge? There's three footprints in the butter! How do you know if there's been four elephants in the fridge? There's a mini parked outside!! 839 I joined an origarmi club. Why can't a rope? A.. did it cause a revolution? 848 A man walks into a barbers shop.. .. 842 what do you get hanging from apple trees? . but he has to give it a really good twist."Steel one "says the barber". 846 If a pig loses its voice. . 840 What is ET short for? So that he fits in his spaceship. 841 What do you get when you sit under a cow? A pat on the head. but it folded. if it floats it's boy‐ant! 836 Q. "What.you"!! The Horse says.Fred"!! 835 Q: how do you tell if an ant is a male ant or a female ant.. is it disgruntled? 847 When the wheel was invented.. "That must be one exremely intelligent dog" said the visitor. On closer inspection he saw that a dog was sitting opposite the old man and the dog was moving the chess pieces. "Not really" said the old man..No I want to pay for it 849 How many mystery crime novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
we don't do swaps!" 856 Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. my Father. so he went to the hospital and told the doctor everything that had happened and the doctor said "AHHHH yes there is a nasty bug going round. struts up to the Lone Ranger and demands: "Are you the Lone Ranger?". he answered and there stood a giant ANT that punched him in his eye. but this time he got beaten up really bad. so he said he had had a punch up in the pub. this is a pet shop." 852 A man walks into the doctors and says: "I think I'm Schizophrenic" The doctor replies "That makes 4 of us!" 853 Apparantly 1 in 4 people in the world are Chinese. 851 A man was going to bed one night when there was a knock at the door. my Younger Brother Colin or ny Older Brother Ho Cha Chin. Doctor I feel like a goat!! Doctor: How long have you been feeling like this? . "would you mind waiting outside for a little while?" "But it cold outside" says Tonto. 855 A man went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter." and then the owner of the pet shop said: "sorry. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.850 Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding through the desert when they spy a small town on the horizon. because he thought he couldn't say he had been punched by an ant. Now he made up and excuse when his friends asked him. A few minutes later another cowboy walks into the bar. There are 5 people in my family ‐ this means that it is either my Mother. But I think it is Colin! 854 A man goes into the doctors he says ' doctor doctor I feel like a dog' the doctor says 'sit on the couch I'll be with you in a minute' the man says 'I'm not allowed'. "Well you left your injun running". 857 How do you get two whales in a car? Drive down the M4! 858 Man: Doctor. Its a cold desert night and the Lone Ranger fancies a whiskey or two to warm him up so they stop into a saloon. run up and down to keep yourself warm" says the Lone Ranger. "Sorry Tonto. Anyway the next night the same happened again. "Well. So the Lone Ranger has his whiskey and Tonto goes outside and runs up and down to keep himself warm. but I really want this drink" says the Lone Ranger. "Yes" the Lone Ranger replies. The barman is happy to serve the Lone Ranger but refuses to serve Tonto.
He will kill anything!"5 minutes later. But. dusty and tucked away behind the bookshelf? A: The 1974 hid'n seek champion! 869 John and Tracy were in a very posh restaurant. wait. he brought the menu to them but stated "I am not a waiter. my name is Hans and I wash the dishes for Yosfayce (pronounced yo's face). 864 What is the difference between a tire and a bench? ‐ None. thanks. alas. Last week trhis guy wanted to take advantage of her and before she could say she wasn't such kind of a girl. The captors said. the tomato couldn't ketchup. but I will take your order" They had decided to have Squid. and the faucet was still running. "They're carrion. John asked for the menu."OK" said Hans "I will find Yosfayce and get him to do it. "Last chance to talk!".I can't kill that". and Hans removed it from the tank and rushed it to the kitchen. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.Man: Ever since I was a kid!! 859 A tomato. A few minutes later. Then. "Talk to us or die!". Hans returned "I cannot kill that squid. the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead racoons. she was. the Count screams. They then draw the blade to the top of the guillotine. and a lettuce decided to have a race. It has lots of hairs around its mouth". just as they release the blade. Except the tire. 860 An noble aristocrat was captured during the French Revolution. Hans went to get the tank. Yosfayce comes over to the table and says "I can't kill the Squid. as it has lots of little hairs around its mouth. so they decided to go by airplane. the Russian chef". two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south. The moral of the story: Never hatchet your Counts before they chicken! 861 Q: How much did the pirate pay to get his ear pierced? A: A buccaneer 862 Why didn't the watermellon marry the honeydew? Because they cantalope! 863 Why did they only make one Yogi Bear? They made a Boo Boo of the second." 866 My sister is reacting very slowly. they're both made of wood. I'll talk!". the lettuce was a head. 865 As migration approached. "No. Who won? At the finish.John insisted that he was going to have the Squid. "Never!" cries the Count. "Tell us the names of the people you are hiding!". it was too late. When they checked their baggage. a faucet. They place his head in the guillotine. John chose the Squid. 868 What is old. "I won't say a word!" says the aristocrat. and said "This means . "I will not!" he replies. "Wait. 867 Why is being a test tube baby so great? You get a womb with a view. Hans came back and said "I can't find Yosfayce or the waiter." replied the vultures.John asked "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" The Waiter appeared.
"Use the old ball!!" 873 Why couldn't the Prince Potato marry the BBC correspondent? Because she was a common‐tater." said the farmer. there one car going the wrong way on the highway M1.then he takes a practice swing.. and they're sitting in an oven. "What do you think? Do you think it's rabid? The second lady answered. 874 How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb? One." "Why. "No.. he asked the farmer about it.. it's hot in here!" and the other one says. "But why does the pig have only three legs?" "Why son. 875 Bob recently bought a new car and is driving back home on the M1 highway. Thinking it strange such an animal should be kept on a working farm. The first lady asked." "Oh I see." 879 so there's these two talking muffins. "oh my god." "Then that pig opened the back door to the house and got us all out before we had come to harm. "that pig is a hero.. Suddenly the music on the radio is interrupted and a special boradcast is heard "This is breaking news. 872 Golfer on Par 3 tee. and it freed all the other animals in the barn and led them to safty." said the farmer. "Son. He puts an old ball on the tee.. drivers please be aware!" Bob looks around and says "One? There are hundreds!" 876 knock knock whos there Canoe Canoe who? Canoe open the door plaese! 877 What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi! 878 A man visiting a farm notices a three legged pig hobbeling around... "a pig like that you just don't eat all at once." 871 Q: What are hippies? A: They're what leggies hang from. .. one of them looks at the other and says.Hans that do dishes can be soft as yosfayce. that pig saved the farm and the lives of my whole family. "boy." "That pig climbed out of its pen." "There was a fire which started in the barn and had spread to the house while everybody was sleeping. Hears a voice:"Use a new ball!" The old ball is replaced with a new one. large pond between tee and green. with mild green hairy lipped squid" 870 Two ladies was walking in the woods when they saw a raccoon on top of a tree stump. it's a talking muffin!" 880 The night watchman was making his rounds and was surprised that no one was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets." said the visitor. raccoon.
So she called the dairyman out to measure the tub and find out how much milk she would need and how much it would cost.The watchman stared at the animal. the weary voice of the man was heard admitting defeat. "Please don't... "You kicked all your dirt off!" 882 After years of nagging. "Well. slippery walls." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. is wending his way through the graveyard when he hears the frantic crys. lady. "Heard? Heard of what?" asks the city slicker. "Herd of COWS" replies . This is just part of my job.." 883 One woman had always wanted to take a bath in a tub filled with warm milk.. he asks "Are we going to be driving that bunch of cows over there?" "Herd" is the cowhand's reply. oblivious to the weather." "No it's NOT!" said the man. The argument got louder and louder with his wife shouting about her killing her first deer.. "Well. The next day another van was stolen." the man shouts in exasperation. 887 A city feller goes to a dude ranch and arrives in the evening. no." pleaded the dog. Walking back he could hear a heated argument between his wife and some man. "I'll drop you off here and go park the car. "Don't be surprised. empty grave." the drunk replies.. wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet. it's YOUR deer.. He drove the car down the road and parked it. "Do you want it pasteurized?" And she said. "Help me!" the stranded man pleads. Just let me get my saddle off it. I shot it!" he could hear his wife shouting. my deer. "Okay. His wife said "It is TOO. If that man finds out I can talk he will make me answer the phone as well!" 881 A man hurrying home on a cold rainy night takes a shortcut through the local cemetery and falls into an freshly dug. A drunk. "That's NOT your deer. lady!" The husband started walking faster.no wonder. He began measuring and asked her. "No. The police believe it was organised crime. "What's the matter? Look at me! I'm wet and I'm freezing. Making conversation with the cow‐hand. Don't get into trouble. the wife was finally going deer hunting with her husband. He goes to the gravesite and looks down incredulously.. One day a voice comes to him and says "Come on ‐ Give me a chance! Buy a lottery ticket!" 885 What did one casket say to the other? That you coughin'? 886 On Monday a delivery van was stolen containing files and diaries." says her husband. this time containing filing cabinets. The man's voice kept insisting.. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No. just up to my bosom would be fine. struggling to keep his balance on the edge of the grave.. what's the matter?" the drunk asks. "It's my deer. Finally." 884 A man prays to god every friday: "Oh God let me win the state lottery" . I shot it and it's mine.
All hands are reported lost. such as Russian. "There's a bunch of 'em right over there!" 888 Three men were on a boat and they wanted a smoke. right.' he said. So how did they get to have their smoke? Don't know? Simple. back: "Very good guess! I am a software engineer ‐ you must be a manager!" The startled man in the balloon admits this is true and asks how the fellow on the ground knew this.' A voice from the back of the room piped up.' . it was. though. Doctor I feel like a cowboy! Doc ‐ Mmmmmm. "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. 893 A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint. of course.the cow‐hand. Where's the boat?" 890 A cocker spaniel limps into a bar and says to the bartender. The audience would be different each week. I give up. 894 A ship carrying artificial limbs has sunk. the fellow replied. but did not utter a word. 895 What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out. After a week the parrot said: "OK. he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey. This went on for a day and another and another. but no matches. They stared at each other with hate. says the man in the balloon ‐ "for where else could I receive such a useless. 'Yeah. and are still in the same situation you were before asking for my help ‐ but now you've somehow managed to make it my fault". yet technically correct answer?" The fellow on the ground yells. there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. "Because you don't know where you are. "Where am I?". 896 A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. They threw one of the cigarettes overboard and then the boat was a cigarette lighter! 889 A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. However. it's not the same hat" "Look." 891 A man goes to see the doctor ‐ Man ‐ Doctor. They had a packet of cigarettes. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. 'In English. a double negative is still a negative. 'A double negative forms a positive. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. the captain's parrot. he asks. and how long have you felt this way? Man ‐ about a YEEEEEEHAAAAAAA! 892 A man in a balloon calls down to a fellow on the ground. All passengers have been marooned. after all. "You're in a balloon". "'Course I've heard of cows. "You must be a software engineer"." says the indignant city dweller. the fellow replies. One day the ship had an accident and sank. In some languages. so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. or where you are going. why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
He shook the bird.897 What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that will chew your leg off then run for help. On to hold the giraffe and one to put the clocks in the bath tub. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing. His mother was impressed and commented to him. to say the least. with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. kicking and screaming and then. Johnny. and quickly opened the freezer door. playing soft music. Bob put the parrot in the freezer. so his parents sent him to catholic private school. "Well. Finally. and I ask your forgiveness.. Bob was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird.anything he could think of. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said. The second man agrees to go but also does a U turn before reaching the ladies and explains to his partner on returning "Small world. in a moment of desperation. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour". Bob tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words. isn't it!" 902 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. and explains to his partner that one of the women is his wife and the other is his girl friend. you're really working hard!" Johnny looked up and said. when I went in there and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign. He yelled at the bird. One man approaches them but before he reaches the women he does an abrupt U turn. "May I ask what the Chicken did?" 899 Q: How do mommy brooms and daddy brooms make baby brooms? A: They sweep together! Johnny was having trouble in math 900 Johnny was having trouble in math. 903 Q: why did the football coach go to the bank ? A: to get his quarterback! . The parrot was fully grown. there was absolute quiet. rude. and the bird got madder and more rude. He did the same after supper.. "Wow. Bob was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him. squawking. 898 Bob received a parrot for his birthday. On the first day he came rushing back home and started working furiously on his math. Every other word was an expletive. I just knew they were'nt messing around. when the parrot continued. those that weren't expletives were. suddenly." 901 Two men on the 9th tee tire of waiting for two women to get off the fairway. and the bird got worse. Nothing worked. "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions.
they visit a historic church. but if you can't answer. I missed the bugger!" 907 What do otters say when they get stuck in seaweed?? Kelp!! Kelp!! 908 A couple is vacationing somewhere in France. ringing it. and there they find a little hunch‐backed man. "Damn. what's with this plate? The waitress says: "It's Christmas. After a few holes John was getting frustrated as he was not that good a golfer. The guy says. They climb up to the bell tower to take a few pictures. and 57 legs coming down?" The man searched in every resource he had and eventually gave up and gave the lady $2000. I missed the bugger!". but he was a dead ringer for the other guy. Finally when he missed an easy putt he blurted out. "Who was that?" the man asks his wife. "Now John. and dies. "What is the answer?" The lady gave him $5. I give you $2000?" "OK" "What is the top speed of an Indian fruit bat?" The lady gave him $5 and asked him." 906 A Victor was out playing golf with his good friend John. I give you $1000. metal plate. . then asked. and there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise. "Damn. but he ignores them and cries: "I must ring the bell!" He then runs face first into the enormous church bell.904 A scientist who thought he knew everything was going on a business trip. you must be careful as God may punish you if you say that again. you give me $5 and then you ask me a question and I give you $5 if I can't answer?" "No" "How about if when I can't answer. A second hunch‐back. He asked her. And a voice from the sky said. One fine afternoon." 909 What's the difference between a coyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie. "What has 15 legs going up a hill. "Well. to which his wife replies: "I don't know." On the next hole the Victor staid close to John offering quiet support. . He stopped at a ." they greet him. 137 legs at the top. The Victor said. falls from the tower. 905 A guy goes into a restaurant on Christmas morning for breakfast. The waitress serves him his eggs benedict on a large and very shiny." Follow up: The next day the couple returns to the tower. identicle to the first. he sat next to a lady." she answers. you only have to give me $5?" "No" "How about if I can't answer. appears and exclaims: "I must ring the bell!" He runs into the bell. "but his face certainly rings a bell. "Do you want to play a game where I ask you a question and if you can't answer. and then falls from the tower to his death below. On the airplane. and one prowls on the hairy 910 A man was driving a convertible with three penquins in the back seat. As John missed an even easier putt he shouted "Damn. "Hello. "I'm not sure. who was that?" the man wonders. I missed the bugger!" Suddenly a there was a large clapp of thunder and a lightning bolt pierced the air and killed the Victor.
One turned to the other and said "Don't those long words tickle your bum?" 914 An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. "Last night.gas station and said to the attendant. and after eating. I would recommend it very highly.. the one that is red and has thorns.we went out to a new restaurant.please advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re‐bait the trap" 913 Two magpies were sitting on the telegraph wires. Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? A: Monkey see." the man said. They searched for days and couldn't find her." "Why don't you take them to the zoo?" the attendant suggested." the man replied. "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?? You know. what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" 915 a dog comes into a bar and asks for a beer the bartender. and it was really great. when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.. "Rose. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.000 . The attendant says to him." The other man said. "What was the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said. "Hey." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes. Q: Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree? A: Peer pressure. and one said. "We had a blast‐ today we're going to the beach!" 911 Q: Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because he was dead. we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. "I've been driving around with these penguins for days now. monkey do. Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? A: Because he was tied to the first monkey.. I thought you were going to take them to the zoo?" "I did. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her rear was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled. sorry to inform you.. a little surprised serves the dog the beer the dog drinks the beer and asks for the bill "it'll be 10 dollars" says the bartender the dog pays and is leaving through the door when the bartender says "it is not usual to have dogs here drinking" the dog hears and answers "for 10 dollars a beer no dog can keep drinking here" 944 How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. I don't know what to do with them. . It read: "Sir. the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. A week later the same guy stops at the same gas station‐ the penguins are still in the back seat. Thanks!" said the man. 912 An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon. "That's a great idea. The two elderly gentlemen were talking.
weighs 185 pounds. chubby. has a big mouth.'Doctor my wife thinks she's a four poster bed. 'In that case. dark wavy hair. and is mean to your children. 953 What is the definition of pain? A one‐armed man hanging off a cliff with an itchy bum. go over to the window and stick your tongue out". You wake up in the fireplace. 'But what will I sleep on' 956 Q. Why do squirrels swim on their backs? A. She said. . "But" protests the chap "I've only got a sore knee!". 955 husband tells doctor. she needs to go into care. OK. "I know" says the doctor "but I hate that bloke across the road". is soft‐spoken. The policeman asked for a description. but who wants HIM back?" 946 Why was tigger looking in the toilet? to find pooh 947 What fizzy drink does a frog drink? Croca cola 948 What is the difference between a duck? One of its legs are both the same! 949 Q: What's yellow and can't waterski? A: A bulldozer. 950 What do you call a dry parrot? Polyunsaturated 951 The court was investigating an accident Judge: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. I don´t want you walking on the water here where I am fishing and scaring the fishes away. "Yeah.' doctor replies. and is good to the children. How do you know that you have slept like a log? A." 958 Q. "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches. "He's 35 years old. 952 Chap goes to the doctor." The next‐door neighbor protested. To keep their nuts dry.' husband responds. 954 Why are girraffes necks so long? Because their heads are so far away. an athletic build. 957 "I don´t care whose son you are. had dark eyes. bald. who examines him and says "Hmmm." The wife replied. 6 foot 4.945 A wife went to the police station with her next‐door neighbor to report her husband was missing.
Finally she said. 'i'll grant you each one wish. he answered. The manager say's "It's a nick nack Sally Whack give the dog a loan his old man's a rolling stone". 967 A couple in their sixties are walking along the beach to admire the sunset. 'as a reward. she explains the situation and show's her manager the keyring." 960 man goes into a doctors surgery. First contestant ‐ "old macdonald had a _______" First contestant says house H O U S E. but I can't recall it. a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered.959 Stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly swatter." Her friend glared at her. Do you know what it could be? Gout says the doctor. The wife sees a dirty lamp.' the genie says. will he hurt us?" 965 Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Then he moved to one side. Wrong!!!! Second contestant "old macdonald had a _______". "Yeah. 3 males and 2 females". how can I help you". magically. jerking the mike cord as he went. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. and the husband stoops down to dust it off. "How soon do you need to know?" 966 what did one strawberry say to the other strawbery? if you weren't so fresh last night we wouldn't be in this jam. When I asked if he was getting any flies.. I've thought and thought.I know we've been friends for a long time. Sally Whack. The dog puts a keyring with a little toy elephant attached to it onto the counter and says "I'd like a loan please". but I just can't remember your name.. The object is they say a phrase and have to fill in the blank and spell the word.. Yard Y A R D.' The wife says 'i want to sail around the world. send me and my husband on a first class luxurious cruise' *POOF* she's suddenly . 964 The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. 961 Q: What did one chimney say to the other A: your to young to smoke 962 It's a contest. Why says the patient "I've only just come in. Wrong!!!! Third contestant "old macdonald had a ________" farm. He answered. their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. I've got a pain in my leg. After several circles and jerks. Doctor. baffeled by what's happening picks up the keyring and calls her manager. "Now don't get mad at me. Curious. 963 A dog called "Rufus Jagger" walks into a bank. a genie appears out of nowhere and thanks the couple profusely for freeing him from his imprisonment. Please tell me what your name is. There's three contestants. he moved briskly about the platform. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said. Lately. getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripped before jerking it again. I inquired as to how he could tell the difference. The Teller say's "Hello my name is Sally Whack. "If he gets loose. EIEIO. and as he preached..
"I had no Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh. and was barraged for 2 hours.. .holding two tickets on the finest ship around the world. 971 A man left for work one Friday afternoon." Monday went by. Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. stealing several valuable paintings. yellow. green and orange hair. 968 One cow says to the other. " That would be fine with me. When asked how he could pull off such a heist and yet get arrested so easily. thought you might be my son!" 975 What do you call a man with a car on his head ? Jack 976 A master French thief decides to pull off a huge job at the Louvre."Hey. However." 977 Why do mermaids wear seashells? Beacause B‐shells are too small and D‐shells are too big! 978 A guy is waiting to cross the traffic lights as a pedestrian. 'and for you. I'm a helicopter!" 969 Two gangsters walk into a grocery store and while they are walking through the Vegetable aisle one gangster says to the other . red.Artie‐chokes. made love to a parrot once. look at that. "Well why don't you just ask??'" says the first guy "I don't like talkin to strangers!!'" comes the reply. instead of going home.. "Arn't you just so worried about the mad cow disease?" The other answers "Why should I worry? I'm not a cow. 972 Nothing succeeds like a budgie without a beak. he responded.haven't you ever done anything wild in your days??" "YUP. the kid says "what's the matter old man.. sir?' the husband looks at his wife. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied.. he was confronted by his very angry wife. But.. When he finally got home Sunday night. 974 The old man was sitting on the bench starring at a teen‐age boy with his spiked. the genie turns to the husband. and leans in close to the genie 'i want a wife that is thirty years younger than me' *POOF* and he's suddenly ninety years old. he was stopped and arrested just a few blocks away from the museum at a gas station. said the old man.. his wife stopped nagging and simply said to him. "What do you think your doin?" the guy asks. 2 for a Dollar!! 970 What do you call a 450‐pound canary sitting in a tree? Sir. Tuesday & Wednesday came and went with the same results. when another guy comes up and puts his hand in his pocket.. & he didn't see his wife... "Just lookin for a light" the guy says. 973 Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a bicycle? A: They both climb trees except the bicycle. he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck... Finally.
.." 983 A bus station is where a bus stops." . Let it go.Billy took a bath with bubbles. you're a vet. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice. No matter how much he tried to forget about it. so he smells the air and says." The momma mole sticks her head out. 982 It's spring time and a family of moles decides it's time to come out of hibernation.." But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob.. "mmmmm. and 9 to wrestle with the giant gecko in the bathroom! 989 Why do Skoda's have rear windscreen warmers? To keep your hands warm when your pushing it! 990 What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof? A skip. and you won't be the last.. "mmmm.Bubbles is the girl next‐door. smells the air. don't worry about it." The baby mole tries to stick his head out. . 991 Why do Skodas have two exhaust pipes? Wheelbarrow.. smells like bacon. 981 Wanna hear a dirty joke?. but there isn't enough room. 992 Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.... On my desk I have a work station. he couldn't. 986 What do you call a fish thats not very smart? A dumb bass 987 did you hear about the boy whos nose grew 11inches? he thought it might turn into a foot 988 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? 10: 1 to change the lightbulb..Billy fell in the mud. smells like molasses.A: you get repossesed 985 Why don't gypsies play rugby? ‐ Because they have crystal balls.. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients. The daddy mole sticks his head out of the ground... smells the air and says.... "mmmm.Wanna hear a clean joke?. 984 Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorsist. A train station is where a train stops. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming...979 What do you get when you cross a pitt bull with lassie? A dog that bites your leg then goes and gets help 980 What time is it when an elephant sits on a lawn chair? Time to get a new lawn chair. and says.. smells like pancakes.Wanna hear another dirty joke?. . within himself. And you're single. trying to reassure him: "Bob.
One day an angel comes down and says to them "I am going to animate you for 10 minutes and for those 10 minutes you can do whatever you want. 994 Why did the bird with one eye cross the road To get two birdseye factory 995 Two bugs go out of a concert. says "Well what was *that* about?" 997 What do you call a sheep with no head or legs? A cloud. Like all good statues they are nude and covered in bird poop. into the street. he goes to the door and opens it. So they both run off behind the bushes. The angel asks "Why don't you use your whole ten minutes?" The woman turns to the man and says "I guess we could do it again. Sounds of true enjoyment emanate from the bushes and then they return about 5 minutes later.993 How many religious education teacher's does it take to screw in a light bulb? One." 1000 Did you hear the one about the Magician who was walking down the street when he turned into a Restaurant? 1001 When I die I would like to go like my grandfather ‐ in his sleep. quietly ‐ not hollering and screaming like all the other people in his car. but then you have to become statues again for the rest of your lives. are standing in a park. 998 I am now on a seafood diet! I see food and I eat it!! 999 So these two statues. but this time you hold the bird's head and I'll poop on it. one of a man and one of a woman. He picks up the snail and throws it across the lawn. looking up from the ground at him. The snail. and their God of choice. . The smaller one asks: Shall we walk home or take a dog ? 996 A guy walks out to his porch one day and sees a snail crawling across the step. Two years later he hears a soft knocking on the door.
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