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PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT , JOB HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________ HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If “No”, explain: _____________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married ______________________________ If less than your age, explain ____________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________
A. B. C. D. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No A waterbed? __Yes __No A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
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I SUGGEST RUNNING. DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. the last bone I would want broken is my: ______________________________________________________________ C. all answers are confidential. A. what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend ___________________________________________________ How often you attend ________________________________________________ When would be the best time to interview your: Father? _____________ Mother? _____________ Pastor? _____________ SHORTANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. pierced tongue.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less. nose ring. what does 'LATE' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less. If I were beaten. Do you have an earring. the last place I would want shot would be: ______________________________________________________________ B. If I were shot. what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ______________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________ In 50 words or less. Please answer freely. — Application for Permission to Date my Daughter — E. A woman's place is in the: ______________________________________________________________ 2 of 5 . pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE. A tattoo? __Yes __No F.
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________________________________________________________ E. — Application for Permission to Date my Daughter — D. _________________________________________________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name. by some ice cube’s chance in HELL. be even remotely considered. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________________________________________ F. AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. 3 of 5 . RED HOT POKERS. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself. which is attached to this Application. please provide Finger Prints. If your application is rejected. NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE. and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. the thing I always notice about her first is: ______________________________________________________________ G. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. CHINESE WATER TORTURE. When I meet a girl. DISMEMBERMENT. inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling: Thank you for your interest. moron!) _______________________________ Mother's Signature _______________________________ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi ________________________________ Father's Signature ________________________________ State Representative/Congressman In the boxes below. should you. start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. and it would cause you injury). Please allow four to six years for processing. CRUCIFIXION. ELECTROCUTION.
Still. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway. I am the barrier. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. you should not be dating. so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. Please don't take this as an insult. you'd better be delivering a package. If you want to be on time for the movie. and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other. in order to ensure that your clothes do not. in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup. Otherwise. You may glance at her. we should talk about sports. and other issues of the day. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. politics.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. a process than can take longer than painting the 4 of 5 . but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. and more than an hour goes by. Please do not do this. waiting for my daughter to appear. because you're sure not picking anything up. — Application for Permission to Date my Daughter — Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk. when it comes to sex. you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. and I will kill you. I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. I will make you cry. However. once you have gone out with my little girl. I will remove them. Let me elaborate. sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. If you make her cry. do not sigh and fidget. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. and I will not object. I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue. so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big.
— Application for Permission to Date my Daughter — Golden Gate Bridge. Old folks’ homes are better. dimwitted hasbeen. the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. then return to your car . why don't you do something useful. a shovel. holding hands. I am the all-knowing. balding. But on issues relating to my daughter. If I ask you where you are going and with whom. • Hockey games are okay. 5 of 5 .there is no need for you to come inside. I have a shotgun. Do not trifle with me. • Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts. I may appear to be a slow. Rule Ten: Be afraid. like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: • Places where there are beds. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. • Places where there is darkness. Speak the perimeter password. or anything softer than a wooden stool. and a goose down parka . or happiness. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. As soon as you pull into the driveway. announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early. or anything other than overalls. the whole truth and nothing but the truth. you have one chance to tell me the truth. tank tops. merciless god of your universe. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. sofas. Instead of just standing there. movies which feature chain saws are okay. you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. and five acres behind the house. • Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided. midriff T-shirts. a sweater. • Places where there is dancing.zipped up to her throat. When my Agent Orange starts acting up. Be very afraid. potbellied. middle-aged.
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