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Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Divorce In Heaven
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiancé and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again." Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five
years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer." Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience." The couple got married. Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
The Priest and the Politician
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
Men, be afraid, very very afraid
Behind every successful woman is herself Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry! Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career So many men, so few who can afford me Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun
and after eating.. The other man said." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes." replied the man. what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? .. I would recommend it very highly. sleep in the kitchen Poor memory An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. "Rose. and one said. the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.. I did it right the first time Do not start with me. the one that's red and has thorns. "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said. that's the one. You will not win All stressed out and no one to choke I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people How can I miss you if you won't go away? Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies And last but not least: If you want breakfast in bed. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled. The two gentlemen were talking. "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it Of course I don't look busy.. "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.
OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.Test for Dementia DO YOU THINK NORMAL? Subject: Test for Dementia Test for Dementia Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You overtake the second person. you are second! . You can't take your time. answer all of them immediately. then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first. You have to answer them instantly. Ready? GO!!! (scroll down) First Question: You are participating in a race.
then you are wrong again. don't take as much time as you took for the first question. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. . Now add another 1000. Try it. To answer the second question...Try not to screw up in the next question. Tell me. Now add 10.? Answer:If you answered that you are second to last. Now add 20. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. Now add 30. Add another 1000. then you are. Second Question: If you overtake the last person. Now add another 1000.
4.Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. 2. how should he express himself? . Her name is Mary. Read the question again Okay. Nini. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Nene. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Answer:Nunu? NO!Of course not. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. Nono. 3. Maybe you will get the last question right? Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. In fact. If it's up. That's what we do. You're a big girl. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls.. 1. Men ARE not mind readers. Ask for what you want. don't Expect us to act like . See a doctor. 1. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.He just has to open his mouth and ask. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. Crying is blackmail. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE! 1. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. Let it be. We need it up. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. you need it down. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question. FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! The Guys' Rules Please note. And no. 1. 1. 1. all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. 1. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. Shopping is NOT a sport. so simple. put it down. Sunday sports. we are never going to think of it that way. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1.
1. I am in shape. You have too many shoes. 1. absolutely anything you wear Is fine. Thank you for reading this. 1. the shotgun formation. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball. I have to sleep on the couch .fishing or golf. 1. you probably are. Pumpkin is also a fruit. You have enough clothes. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. We have no idea what mauve is. not A color. it will Be scratched. 1. just do it yourself. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing. Don't ask us. 1.. We do that.soap opera guys. ]we meant the other one. Expect an answer you don't want to hear. Peach. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry.Really. like Windows default settings. If you think you're fat. Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. 1. We know you are lying. I know. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Whenever possible. 1. but it is just not worth the hassle. Yes." We will act like nothing's wrong. 1. If you already know best how to do it. Not both.hunting.. When we have to go somewhere. 1. If it itches. Round IS a shape! 1. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to. is a fruit. for example.
"That's absolutely right. Harry. she said. After they got their tent all set up. "You know Marvin. Marvin. "Sorry Sean. that's not correct. "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. "I see millions of stars. come up here and I'll give you the $2. In my heart I knew it was Moses." The teacher replied." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said. that's not right either. a Jewish boy raised his hand and said." Marvin replied: "Yeah. Patrick. Some hours later." An Irish boy put his hand up and said. "Kemo Sabi. what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies. "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.tonight. I was very surprised you said " Jesus Christ. look towards sky." The Teacher said. "It was St. they fell sound asleep. but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said. "It was St. since you're Jewish. Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says. "I'm sorry." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money. . Andrew. but business is business! Tonto & The Lone Ranger The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert." Finally. Business One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds.
it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment. Astrologically. 60's. it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. "Astronomically speaking.. "Kemo Sabi. we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags. Our baby cribs were covered with bright-colored. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking. you dumb ass. What's it tell you. Someone has stolen tent" People over 35 should be dead! People over 35 should be dead! Here's why. then says. or even maybe the early 70's probably shouldn't have survived. and then says. it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 50's.. those of us who were kids in the 40's. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. According to today's regulators and bureaucrats. it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. and when we rode our bikes. Time wise. Horrors! . We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. lead-based paint. it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. doors or cabinets. Meteorologically.The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute.) As children. Theologically. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles. we had no helmets.
NO CELL PHONES!!!!! Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations. bread and butter. no 99 channels on cable (no cable).We ate cupcakes. from one bottle. the ball would really hurt. video tape movies. and although . After running into the bushes a few times.. got cut and broke bones and teeth. and no one actually died from this. personal computers. or Internet chat rooms. No one was able to reach us all day. and sometimes.. We would leave home in the morning and play all day. and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. surround sound. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill. We were disciplined by our friends' parents and neighbors too. X-Boxes.and our parents approved. personal cell phones. Nintendo 64s. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. and drank soda pop with sugar in it. We played dodge ball. no video games at all. We fell out of trees. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms. We shared one soft drink with four friends. as long as we were back when the street lights came on. but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. we learned to solve the problem. only to find out we forgot the brakes.
so did our parents! They actually sided with what was right. Our actions were our own. And if our teachers disciplined us. before lawyers and government regulated our lives. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door. failure. And you're one of them! Congratulations! Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids. for our own good!!!!! . ever.we were told it would happen. Consequences were expected. and we learned how to deal with it all. and try harder next time. or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. success and responsibility. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. nor did the worms live inside us forever. Some students weren't as smart as others. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. we did not put out very many eyes. We had freedom. so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "'Cause he's a liar." "Had a wife. I discovered my gift of speech pretty young and I wanted to help the government. and now I'm just retired. "Well. and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down." "So. He didn't do any of that stuff!" . I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "You talk?" he asks. mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. a mess of puppies. what's your story?" The dog looks up and says. and in no time they had me jetting from country to country." "This dog is amazing.People under 30 are WIMPS! The Amazing Talking Dog In D.. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog." "The jetting around really tired me out. because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." The guy is amazed. a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale. so I told the CIA." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work. "Sure do. The owner says.C. "Ten dollars.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. and here I am. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Love. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her. "I'm surprised to see you. How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you. my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today." The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven. "Which word ?" her husband asked." the woman told him. "Which word?" the woman asked. I've been doing pretty well since you died. "Hello." the woman said. How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven. "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word. And then I won the multi-state lottery. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill." When Saint Peter came by." her husband told her. I fell and hit my head.How to get into Heaven A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. She saw a beautiful banquet table. And. she peeked through the gates." Saint Peter told her. What a bummer. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. her husband arrived. . the woman said to him. "How have you been ?" "Oh. About a year later.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? All done? Check your answers below! ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? *Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? *Crimson .."Czechoslovakia. there'll be Hell to pay later. Easy Exam Passing only requires 4 correct answers out of 10.." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry .
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? *Orange. for the fifth time. So he walks right up behind her. and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. "Honey. and he's in the living room. So he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey. let's see what happens. CHICKEN!" ." That evening. only 10 feet away." said the doctor. what's for supper?" "Damn it Earl. what's for supper?" No response. "Honey. A Little Supper Joke An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. go to 30 feet. "Here's what you do. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks. "Honey." Then in a normal tone he asks. "I'm about 40 feet away. then 20 feet. and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem. If not. the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. about 30 feet from his wife and repeats. what's for supper?" Still no response. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks. what's for supper?" Again there is no response. So the husband moved to the other end of the room. "Honey. He says to himself. and so on until you get a response. of course. "start out about 40 feet away from her. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
the time displayed on a watch is 10:10 The characters Bert and Ernie (Sesame St. orange.Something to Think About Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched" On a Canadian two dollar bill. or purple Dreamt is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt" All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill Almonds are a member of the peach family Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable Tigers have striped skin. including newspapers. not just striped fur In most advertisements.) were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its a Wonderful Life" A dragonfly has a life-span of 24 hours . the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20 No word in the English language rhymes with month. silver.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.A dime has 118 ridges around the edge In England.. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. . 1. The Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator Looked in his filing cabinet and saw A-N. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling. 3. as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 2. just for the free internet access. 4. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.. 9. hence "Oz" Your Computer Relationship You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when. and O-Z. 6. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two.8 modems. 8. 5. You laugh at people with 28..
but why it crossed. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road. --------------------------------------------Richard M. you will see.10. After reading this message. you just say "LOL. you don't laugh. 12. represents the black man. I don't know any chickens. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. In the rain. LOL" 13. --------------------------------------------Colonel Sanders: I missed one? --------------------------------------------L. --------------------------------------------- . hardworking American. I have never known any chickens. I've not been told! --------------------------------------------Ernest Hemingway: To die. you immediately forward it to a friend! Politically Incorrect Whd did the chicken cross the road? Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent.A. 11. I repeat. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. Your family always knows where you are. --------------------------------------------Dr. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape. the chicken did not cross the road. --------------------------------------------Louis Farrakhan: The road. In real life conversations.
Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. and that was good enough for us. file your important documents. --------------------------------------------Ronald Reagan: What chicken? --------------------------------------------Captain James T. but will lay eggs. ------------------------------------------Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. --------------------------------------------Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. --------------------------------------------Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. -------------------------------------------- . Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. --------------------------------------------Grandpa: In my day. --------------------------------------------Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road. and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. --------------------------------------------Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. which will not only cross roads. --------------------------------------------Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.Martin Luther King. Jr. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? --------------------------------------------Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
And he. bigoted. too. yes I do. you cheat on your wife. A Lawyer's Question A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly. He's lazy. He approached her and asked. I know him. the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. Yes. I've known Mr. Williams. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked. Jones. he said with menace. I know you. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. elderly woman. do you know me?" She responded. In a very quiet voice. Williams. I do know you Mr. I've known you since you were a young boy. you've been a big disappointment to me. has been a real disappointment to me. you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!" CIA Final Test For the final test. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Yes. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances." The lawyer was stunned. And frankly. do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied. yes. You lie. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. "If either of you asks her if she knows me.Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? --------------------------------------------Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. too. "Mrs. you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "Why. "Mrs. he has a drinking problem. "Why. Kill . Bradley since he was a youngster." At this point.
They heard screaming. The funny thing is that it really works. "You don't have what it takes. it was the woman's turn. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The agent said.Her!!!" The man said. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. "I tried. Picture yourself near a stream. to kill her husband. Take your wife and go home. here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. He took the gun and went into the room. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.it really works!!! Just in case you've had a rough day. 1. crashing. The man came out with tears in his eyes. one after another. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. I could never shoot my wife" The agent said." Finally. She was given the same instructions. all was quiet. Shots were heard. . but I can't kill my wife. "You can't be serious. After a few minutes. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. "I had to beat him to death with the chair. 2. She took the gun and went into the room. banging on the walls." Stress Relief Try this ." The second man was given the same instructions.
full medical and dental. got out of the boat and walked across the water. "But you started it." One day a Catholic a Baptist and a Methodist decided to go fishing. say." the interviewer shrugged. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. a red Corvette?" The engineer tried to control his excitement. . The water is crystal clear. 8.3. but sat straight up and said." The interviewer said. "In the neighborhoodof $125. the Human Resources person asked the hotshot young Engineer." 5. company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary. fresh out of MIT. No one but you knows your secret place. "Wow! Are you kidding?" "Yeah. See. They got in there boat and pushed there way over to the middle of the lake. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world. "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer cooly said. The Catholic Said. 14 paid holidays. 7. ''I forgot my hat" so he got up. depending on the benefits package. and a company car leased every 2 years for starters. 6. what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. "Well. 4. You're smiling already! Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview.000 a year.
About that time the Baptist said. . 2001 . He came back and the Methodist said. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.If being chased through town. including the rabbit. They place animal informants throughout the forest. The FBI goes in. all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. .All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.During all police investigations. "Do you think it's time to tell him were the stepping stones are? The LAPD. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! Things you would never know without the Movies Tuesday.at any time of year. . and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. " I forgot the fishing bait" so he got up. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest. The FBI.He came back and the Baptist said. . and the CIA The LAPD. and they make no apologies. The LAPD goes in. August 28. Patrick's Day parade . " I forgot the beer" so he got up.The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective . . you can usually take cover in a passing St. The CIA goes in. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.When they are alone. The President decides to give them a test. it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. got out of the boat and walked across the water. got out of the boat he was standing in the water then he sank. The rabbit had it coming. the FBI. killing everything in it. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
. ..All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.If you need to reload your gun. . don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill.When paying for a taxi.The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. . It will always be the exact fare.Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. just grab one at random and hand it over. you will always have more ammunition.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. . . .noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. When entering a kitchen at night. .You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer. . bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. . .Mothers routinely cook eggs. it will not be necessary to speak the language .If staying in a haunted house.a German accent will do. .All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off. . you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. even if you haven't been carrying any before now.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place .Kitchens don't have light switches. the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. . . . .
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. lipstick will never rub off . 2001 PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go. .It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. . but does it have to be growing under your bed?" . QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden. hijacking. .A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium. explosion. . Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road.Once applied. they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.. Mary. .unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. May 7. .Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. . . it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts .When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head. . MARY.even while scuba diving.Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds . young man. Famous Mothers Monday. .Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. . .No-one ever involved in a car chase. .
" BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car." MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school. but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you. mousse. how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike. Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well. Mona. that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel. then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now. Albert. can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right. it's your senior picture. Barney. Napoleon. Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite. . Mary. there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered. all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room. I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe. Christopher. but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this. remember what I told you--don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat.MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces. but you're starting to look a little purple. Bruce. if I've told you once. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket. George.
22. 20. 40. 41. 26. 34. 35. 36. Thomas. 16. then . 25. your father and I have discussed it.something. 38. 39. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" Top 45 Oxymoron's: 45. 18. 28. 24. 27. 42. 44. and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. 23. Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Airline Food Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now..?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac." SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark. 37.. 29.. 33. 19. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb." Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force . 30. 31. 21. 17. but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days. 43.. 32. you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium . A plateau is a high form of flattery. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Diet ice cream 3. Time flies like an arrow. If you don't pay your exorcist. g. ad. she got a new name and a dress. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. z. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.. Practice safe eating . Definite maybe 6. y. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. l. b... Computer jock 12. r. it's an I for an I. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.'taint yours and 'taint mine. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. Microsoft Works So of course it's difficult to learn the English language.. you get repossessed. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Every calendar's days are numbered. ab. Working vacation 2. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. v. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? k. c. m. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. f. Temporary tax increase 13. When a clock is hungry.. in a manor of speaking. A man's home is his castle.always use condiments. When two egotists meet.15. q. Computer security 9.. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. af. x. aa.and learning to spell can be pure guess work. e. In democracy your vote counts. Extinct Life 14. s.. n. With her marriage. Pretty ugly 5. ac. d. u. a. o. Fruit flies like a banana. Plastic glasses 11. Dijon vu . Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A lot of money is tainted . Political science 8. In feudalism your count votes. it goes back four seconds. t. Exact estimate 1. Tight slacks 7. Terribly pleased 10. i. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway. A backward poet writes inverse. ae. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.the same mustard as before.) p.. j.. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.. w.. h. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under..
. I think he can easily be classed as outstanding... Branch Manager A second note following the report: Mr.. ah. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. and should on no account be dispensed with. and a proposal to management be sent away as soon as possible. Letter of Recommendation While working with Mr.. 2. 3. he always finishes the given assignment in time. Once you've seen one shopping center.. 3. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you today. ag. 9. 5.at large. Xxxxxx. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. aj.do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. ai. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Given a job... He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Regards.. you've seen a mall..... for my true assessment of him. and can never be found chitchatting in the canteen.. Xxxxxx should be pushed to accept promotion.. Only in America.. Only in America. Acupuncture is a jab well done.can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Branch Manager Only In America 1. He is always deeply engrossed in his official work. . I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without gossiping with colleagues in the office. 7. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1. I strongly feel that Mr.. He has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound knowledge of his field. ak.
. and a diet coke. "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The football player replied.. The professor struggled up. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by... 10..can a homeless combat veteran and a draft dodger live in the White House.. Only in America. table and cabinets. He kept taunting God." ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.. One day I told her.. then I want you to knock me off this platform.do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 8...... if you are real.. "You don't want to try these techniques at home. God Real? live in a cardboard box An atheist professor was teaching a college class at Alabama and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. Only in America." replied the expert. yes. why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.4. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator... "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast.. Only in America.... and sent him flying from his platform. 5.. Only in America. often carrying a single item at a time... "GOD WAS BUSY. "Actually." the expert explained. obviously shaken and yelled.. stove. "God.. Only in America. 'Hon. Only in America. 6. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240 pound football player in the class walked up to the professor. Now I do it in seven." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. 7. "Here I am..... 11.do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. HE SENT ME!" An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.do people order double cheese burgers.do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.. Only in America.. saying. large fries.do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. God. He said. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years.. hit him full force in the face.. Only in America.. 9.
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