CABIN PRESSURE Series 1, Episode 3: CREMONA (bing bong!) DOUGLAS: Good evening.

This is First Officer Douglas Richardson. Just to let you know we're now making our final preparations to Fly You To The Moon. While we're airborne I do hope you'll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars; those of you sitting on the left-hand side of the aircraft should have an excellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter . . . and on the right-hand side, Mars. In other words, hold my hand; in other words, baby, kiss me. Cabin doors to automatic. OPENING CREDITS [BC]: This week: Cremona! MARTIN: [chuckles] Very good, very good. Okay, my turn. DOUGLAS: All right. Do . . . "Come Fly With Me". MARTIN: [clears throat] (bing bong!) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of MJN Air I'd like to invite you to [sings] Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly awa— CAROLYN: [intercom] Martin! Martin, what on earth are you doing? MARTIN: Carolyn! I—oh—yes! Nothing! CAROLYN: What's going on in there? You've been on stand for half an hour! I've been waiting for you in the portacabin! DOUGLAS: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. CAROLYN: But you didn't come in! DOUGLAS: No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. CAROLYN: Well, come in now. I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows that's not true, but I have things to tell you. [In the portacabin.] CAROLYN: Ah! At last. Now then, guess who's got a job tomorrow? I'll give you a clue: it's us. DOUGLAS: And they called Hitchcock the master of suspense. CAROLYN: Anyway, you'll like this trip. You are taking a film star to Italy. MARTIN: A film star? CAROLYN: Mm-hmm. MARTIN: Which one?

Keen Arthurian scholars. my pretties. . fly! MARTIN: Come on. idiot child? ARTHUR: She was Griselda. and it's flapping about making a horrible noise. ARTHUR: YES! She's the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalibur! DOUGLAS: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur. MARTIN: Oh. coffee. was she. lower. ARTHUR: Right-o! [They exit. DOUGLAS: Right. Got it? CAROLYN: No. yes. no. CAROLYN: Fly. wasn't she— ARTHUR: HESTER MACAULAY?! DOUGLAS: Good lord. You will be over the road at the Garibaldi.] DOUGLAS: Cremona? So I imagine we're staying at the Excelsior? CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining. Mum. Arthur. these filmmakers? ARTHUR: Well. Ms Macaulay will be at the Excelsior. CAROLYN: Thank you. ARTHUR: How could she give him Excalibur? Excalibur's a person. Arthur. ARTHUR: Oh. obviously it famously turns out he's a vampire! CAROLYN: Arthur? There's something on your face. Douglas. monkey face. I say person. Martin. flight plan. all of you. Now scatter to the winds. Yes. Sorry. because that's as close as you're getting. Douglas. It's a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh.CAROLYN: Hester Macaulay. were they. the Lady of the Lake! In Quest for Camelot! CAROLYN: Oh. it's hanging off the bottom of your face. load sheet. Will you make it stop? ARTHUR: Right. I didn't know you were here! ARTHUR: Hester Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?! MARTIN: What were you doing behind there? CAROLYN: And what are you talking about. ARTHUR: Right.

. I do apologize. what are you saying? DOUGLAS: Yes. ARTHUR: Oh. "Good morning. um . is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes? DOUGLAS: Hmm. Mostly men. DOUGLAS: There are about thirty of them. I don't really care. 'Morning. I really don't know. I think one of them had a beard . DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses. DOUGLAS: What can you tell me about the group of people we passed just now waiting outside the portacabin? ARTHUR: Right. that's it.' "Good morning. Now then. ARTHUR: You see. no! The Garibaldi's an absolute dump! CAROLYN: A dump. with the sound of voices in the background] ARTHUR: —thing is. . Impasse. Arthur. and if you were proper pilots you'd be flying with a proper airline. And apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the. great! I love these. 'madam'. DOUGLAS: Blackshirts? CAROLYN: Precisely. Ms Macaulay. and a dozen shirts. it was an unforgivable compliment. CAROLYN: Agreed. Martin. [The next day. Um. all wearing homemade suits of armour. 'Ma'am. DOUGLAS: If this was a proper airline we'd be staying at the Excelsior. [ARTHUR and DOUGLAS enter. in the portacabin. the film's set in Fascist Italy.DOUGLAS: Oh. I didn't really notice them. Uh. spot test. no more than usual. did I say 'know'? I meant 'care'. I think. One passenger. she's not the Queen! Hmm. . and welc—" No. and singing a song . yes. part of me thinks— DOUGLAS: Oh. you're looking very smart. and wel—" No. Now go and do me that load sheet. . . you're quite right. . Um . this is how I always look. madam. and welco—" No. but a keenly priced dump.] MARTIN: "Good moooorning. MARTIN: No I'm not. ma'am. is she? CAROLYN: No. I'm sorry. DOUGLAS: Extras? CAROLYN: Yes. . playing . .

Hester. . I'm sure he is. so it shall BEEEEE . and well.about a dragon. Hello. !"] HESTER: Thank you. call me Hester. MJN Air? MARTIN: Yes! Hel-lo. But please. MARTIN: [laughs] Well not really. Captain Crieff. m-m-madam Macaulay. Captain—ah. ARTHUR: Yeah. yes. Now. isn't it? MARTIN: Th-th-th-this is First Offi—I mean. I wonder if I could just have a quick word with the manager? MARTIN: Oh yes. MARTIN: Oh. Douglas Richardson. Oh. of course! Just through that door there. . . Er. . accompanied by the strains of the crowd singing "as it was written. . HESTER: What. ARTHUR: Er . the full title's rather a mouthful. I'm so sorry. but this is the first officer. HESTER: Oh yes. yes. thank you. miss—madam. Arthur. . Captain Martin Crieff. I thought you were one of those . the co-pilot. Martin. 'co-star' is equal with the other co-star whereas the co-pilot is junior to me. . . And who is this? ARTHUR: Hello! I am Arthur. he really is called Arthur. good morning. now you say that . HESTER: Oh. I'm . idiotic fans. HESTER: Thank you so much. DOUGLAS: Yes. Martin. . MARTIN: Please. Mr Co-Pilot. I mean. [door slams shut] Oh. thank you! Yes. you're quite welcome. . call me madam—MARTIN! HESTER: Thank you. I'm Arthur? HESTER: "King of the Britons"? ARTHUR: Steward of the Aeroplane. I will. Is that like being a co-star? DOUGLAS: I suppose it is. . DOUGLAS: He. miss Ma— mmMm—Ms Macaulay! HESTER: Ooh! Thank you. er. HESTER: Pleased to meet you. MARTIN: Suits of armour? Why on earth— [HESTER MACAULAY enters.

HESTER: Because no one is there to meet me. Then what the hell is going on here? I arrive at what I'm assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance thronged with my fans. to help me from the taxi. Nothing could be further from my intention. CAROLYN: I was beginning to suspect as much. . You must be Ms Macaulay.] DOUGLAS: Oh. One more crack out of you and the executive producer of this film will cancel the contract and re-book me on a flight with a professional company. HESTER: That's better. quite. How splendid to meet you. Hester. am I safe to fly with him? CAROLYN: I can assure you that Captain Crieff is very nearly the best pilot in the company. We'll make arrangements immediately. A gathering. HESTER: Listen. I had no idea. I'm her. CAROLYN: Well. to show me to the— CAROLYN: Oh I'm so sorry. quite welcome. HESTER: Where's the manager? I want to speak to him. to take my luggage. Have you even flown a film star before? CAROLYN: We took Norman Pace to Farnborough. HESTER: Listen to me. HESTER: Well.[HESTER exits. He's a lovely man. CAROLYN: Would you call them a throng? HESTER: Through which I have to fight my own way! CAROLYN: I'm not sure thirty's a throng. Quite. HESTER: Right. dearie. I thought you said you couldn't get out of a taxi without help. CAROLYN: [after a pause] I'm so sorry if I have in any way offended you. quite.] CAROLYN: Oh! Hello. I am not Norman Pace. Now may I ask the precise nature of your disability? HESTER: What? I'm not disabled! CAROLYN: Oh! Oh. MARTIN: Jealous! [In CAROLYN's office. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. maybe. And another thing—is that strange little red-faced man actually a qualified pilot? I mean. owner and manager. I'm sorry.

. . MARTIN joins in. . it's like Confucius says. Who knows. yes. or. it just tells you if you're flying level. or . um. HESTER: Gosh. actually. Who knows. do come in. they've all gone out of my head.] MARTIN: H-how d'you mean? HESTER: You know.[Later. . I probably ought to go back now. Well. more .] MARTIN: . they've. HESTER: Oh. always know height. . Right. yes! What does it do? MARTIN: Well. puts on horrible faux-Chinese accent] "Confucius. "Oh. And if you're not flying level you can correct it on the basis of that. Katherine Altimeter!" HESTER: . of course. . . DOUGLAS: Levelly? MARTIN: Levelly! DOUGLAS: Lovely. anyway." HESTER: [laughs] MARTIN: Oh. MARTIN: And these are the altimeters— HESTER: Really? They sound like a nice middle-class couple. in the flight deck. that's very good! Yes. I know loads like that! [laughs. he say . DOUGLAS: That's the theory. Why do you need two? MARTIN: Um. . never mind. . lovely to see you. " [pause] Oh. maybe you can show me around a film set one day. finally relieved to get the joke] I see! Yes. have you met the Altimeters?" MARTIN: Oh! [laughing. . just in case one goes wrong. or. . And fly more . HESTER: Ah! MARTIN: . and beside that we have the artificial horizon. Exactly. HESTER: [after a beat] Maybe. the Altimeters! Mrs Altimeter and Mr Altimeter! "I'm-I'm-I'm Greg Altimeter and this is my wife. I'm glad you enjoyed it. . . or-or not level. In practice. . "Man with one altimeter. MARTIN: Yes. yes. don't they? [DOUGLAS and HESTER laugh. man with two. Now. never certain. Thank you so much for showing me around up here. .

. Thank you. Still. those ridiculous Camelot idiots. I should apologize to you. . It gets to one a little sometimes. . that's all. HESTER: Oh really? ARTHUR: Absolutely! HESTER: Enjoy my Clytemnestra. HESTER: Oh.] MARTIN: [sighs] What a lovely woman.MARTIN: "Never eat yellow snow!" HESTER: What? MARTIN: Confucius! He—well. ARTHUR: Might I ask yourself at this time if yourself would care to partake of the enjoyment of the inflight entertainment system we do provide on the aircraft today? HESTER: What? ARTHUR: Shall I put the telly on? HESTER: That's sweet of you. I'm-I'm sorry about that thing when you met me and you thought I was a fan. Except . . DOUGLAS: Oh. I . . HESTER: Oh. MARTIN: Oh no! Did I? Really? DOUGLAS: No. . did you? ARTHUR: Your Clyte . [Exits. . [In the passenger cabin] ARTHUR: Hello. . though. . but I'm quite happy reading my book. no. . I just want to say: I am your biggest fan. HESTER: Okay. ? HESTER: My career-defining Clytemnestra at Stratford. I see. Or perhaps you preferred my Olivier Award- . you know? ARTHUR: Right. did you like her? You seemed rather cool and distant. They follow me all over the world singing and chanting and telling me they're my "biggest fans". t-that's . ARTHUR: You're welcome. HESTER: Is that all? ARTHUR: Yes. No. not one of the best ones. no. It's just . hello.

You Lose? Fardel's Bear? ARTHUR: No.winning performance in A Doll's House? ARTHUR: You performed in a doll's house?! HESTER: No? Well. don't tell me. you know what they say about cats. maybe . I loved— HESTER: Because I hope you weren't about to suggest that you're my biggest fan based on two miserable weeks I spent up to my bosom in pond weed filming some ridiculous fantasy dreck I only agreed to because my little cat needed a dialysis machine! ARTHUR: Right. Can I congratulate you on the hard-line manner in which you dealt with the menace? HESTER: What? CAROLYN: Oh. . she died. . perhaps you're more of a movie buff. You let the bastard have it with both barrels! Well done.] CAROLYN: Everything all right in here? ARTHUR: I'm just getting out of a client's sight! [Exits. madam. you appear to have assigned me one as my steward! CAROLYN: I apologize. would simply have smiled and said "Thank you" but not you. No. ARTHUR: Yes! I just loved— HESTER: No. . . I'm keen to guess.] CAROLYN: So often the key to a happy flight. ARTHUR: Oh dear. but . HESTER: What? ARTHUR: They've got nine lives! So. faced with someone shyly telling them they liked their work. you! . I like the other ones. A Light Shines Darkly? Tails. is it? HESTER: Not the book! The fact that. she's still alive! HESTER: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! ARTHUR: Right-o! [Enter CAROLYN. it's just that so many people. Did your cat get better? HESTER: No. having assured me I would have no more trouble from my weird fans. HESTER: Do please explain to me what the hell is going on here? CAROLYN: Difficult book. Still.

madam. You can do my stewardessing. . [draws the cabin entrance curtains back] Arthur. and you can start by bringing me a lemon tea. great. May I just remind you all electronic equipment must be switched off until after we take off? HESTER: I am the executive producer. you know. DOUGLAS: Ms Macaulay.HESTER: Listen.] ARTHUR: Wow. I want that Camelot freak kept out of my sight. sir. it's lovely. the Garibaldi is pretty different. so long as you can phone your executive producer before we take off. RECEPTIONIST: Buon giorno. The fans. CAROLYN: That's true. HESTER: Oh. One room. . put the kettle on and dig out those lemon hand wipes! [In Cremona. may I present . MARTIN: So what name shall I use? . It's not too late for me to walk out on you. ARTHUR: Oh. various ones. signor! MARTIN: Oh. Often cartoon characters. it does also have water running down the walls. What name is it? MARTIN: Ms Hes— HESTER: Martin? MARTIN: Yes? HESTER: I don't use my real name. wow. Though to be fair. Buon giorno. Douglas. please. CAROLYN: How can I make madam's journey more comfortable? HESTER: That's better. at the Excelsior. of course! What name do you use? HESTER: Oh. Um. remember? MARTIN: Oh. the Excelsior. yes. that whole wall's a waterfall! MARTIN: Don't get too attached to it. do you speak English? RECEPTIONIST: Of course. did you nick that one off Notting Hill? HESTER: They nicked it off me. this hotel's amazing! Look. Thank you so much. MARTIN: Good. CAROLYN: Instantly. RECEPTIONIST: Certainly.

. .HESTER: You choose? MARTIN: Ah . it's ghastly. One room. you don't say Kidderminster. Snoopy! HESTER: But why only one room? Where are you all staying? DOUGLAS: The Garibaldi. generally when the air crews come. yes. . please. can she. They tried to put me up there when I did Who Do You Think You Are?. no! I mean. No. that. and Captain Martin Crieff. I didn't mean you look like—not that you don't look like—well. HESTER: Martin! MARTIN: Oh God. please. Well. Jessica Rabbit. Carolyn can't have known that when she booked it for us. you're a capitan? MARTIN: That's right. The Garibaldi is the most awful dive. I insisted they move me. DOUGLAS: Oh. good lord. But when the BBC offer to fly you to wherever your family are from. . . the capitan. three more rooms. I ask because I'm sorry. you mustn't stay there. Erm. no we don't have to. sir. that you do—but—um. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. RECEPTIONIST: Ooooh. not Jessica Rabbit. DOUGLAS: Captain? MARTIN: No. sir. no. HESTER: Oooh! MARTIN: Yes! Er. I'm an airline captain. RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. . Mrs . HESTER: Oh no. RECEPTIONIST: So. Martin? MARTIN: No. . unless you have to. for Ms . HESTER: If I were you I'd just stay here! Oh. yes. What names? ARTHUR: Oooh oooh can I be Goofy? MARTIN: Douglas Richardson. you have Italian relatives? HESTER: God no. did you want a suite? MARTIN: What? RECEPTIONIST: Well. he likes a suite. the thing about that is— RECEPTIONIST: No. Arthur Shappey. we have no left today.

they're a little . I. Yes! I will! Yes! Yes! DOUGLAS: Nonchalantly done. I mean. I mean. I was here fifteen minutes ago. . The thing is. 'Cause. RECEPTIONIST: It's very exciting for us. RECEPTIONIST: Well. Too many drawers. Well. . RECEPTIONIST: They're staterooms.MARTIN: Oh! Oh. it's fine. MARTIN: What? RECEPTIONIST: The staterooms. eh? This is the life! MARTIN: No it's not. on the fifth floor. haven't you? Or it doesn't feel like home. . well. And frankly this is very shoddy. MARTIN: Drawers? ARTHUR: Yeah. anyway. obviously I'm an airline captain. I imagine you would do. . . We don't often get to rent out the staterooms in the winter. you know. I bet you don't. I don't like big hotel rooms. but I'm very disappointed. MARTIN: No. ARTHUR: Isn't it? MARTIN: No. hello. you gotta put something in every drawer. HESTER: Oh yes Martin! Why don't you? MARTIN: Right. you have my number. . I'll rough it this once in one of your normal . [Back in the lobby. five-star rooms. We're going straight back down to the lobby. I've been up to have a look at the room—the rooms. [In the elevator] MARTIN: . I would have liked one. I'm so sorry to disappoint you. And sometimes in these places I have to split pairs of socks. um. MARTIN: Yes. five-star hotel. at the front desk] MARTIN: Ah. so don't hesitate to call! [elevator pings closed] ARTHUR: Wow. and to be honest. The whole of the fifth floor. yes. and we're going back to the Garibaldi. stately. ARTHUR: No. And anything else I can do. refunding those rooms. you could always take the staterooms. Skip. you know. . I— RECEPTIONIST: I remember you.

I appreciate that. nothing! You simply find me in a rare good humour! MARTIN: Certainly rare. MARTIN: [phone beeps] Hello? CAROLYN: [over the phone] Martin. my flight home is not till midnight. ARTHUR: Right. with a big . and . . he's gone now. MARTIN: Great. . stately room for a statesman to . he was a-a big . sir. I'll meet you there. MARTIN: [pained laugh] Oh God. just terrifyingly huge and expensive. you make your own luck. . that will be no problem-o at all!" RECEPTIONIST: No. . . . MARTIN: Yes. MARTIN: Right. well. MARTIN: What did he look like? RECEPTIONIST: Oh. ARTHUR: Bluto? MARTIN: Despite you just telling me you never get any bookings for it during the winter! RECEPTIONIST: What can I say? We were lucky. a . for heaven's sake! Arthur. CAROLYN: I'm in Italy on a sunny day. beard! MARTIN: Right. [a mobile phone rings] Oh. RECEPTIONIST: No. he can have it. man. So . Please tell me it's a cultural thing and that's just how you begin the sentence (mimics RECEPTIONIST's accent) "Oooh. the normalsized ones. but there comes a point that you feel when a stateroom crosses the line from being a nice. . coat. . 312. you know. great. if you could possibly just refund me the— RECEPTIONIST: Oooh. the problem is. what have I done now? CAROLYN: Nothing. . . my favourite aviator. big . . So in the eight minutes since I was last here Brian Blessed strolled in.MARTIN: Yes. and we had to turn him down. . RECEPTIONIST: I didn't get his name. tried to rent the most expensive suite in the hotel and then left disappointed for destination unknown. don't worry. don't you? How about the other two rooms. Stop him unpacking. lie in state and becomes. . We don't know where. somebody just tried to rent the staterooms. . no. the studio have coughed up . go to Douglas's room. MARTIN: I don't like the way you said "Oh". Can you refund those? RECEPTIONIST: This maybe we can do.

I thought I would treat you three to dinner tonight. everything here's fine. MARTIN: No what? DOUGLAS: No way. Looks good. to save your skin with Carolyn. no. MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: Hello Skipper! Don't worry. Martin. door opens] DOUGLAS: Ah. . burger . MARTIN: No. thing. . [hangs up] MARTIN: Oh. Well. such a good mood am I in. I like it here. . MARTIN: No. CAROLYN: I don't know what you're playing at. José. No. . hello. CAROLYN: Excellent! Well.] MARTIN: .the money like lambs. that's very nice of you— CAROLYN: And not only that. Seven-thirty sharp. Three-ten. I have two fluffy dressing gowns in case one of them goes wrong. . I will leave this lovely five-star hotel room and go to the Garibaldi. terrific. so that is where I shall see you. . don't be ridiculous. and a . you're going to ask if. MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: Sorry. Unless you were about to tell me otherwise. The Garibaldi is far from fine or you wouldn't be staying there. no! The Garibaldi will be fine! CAROLYN: Oh. [knocks. which I can see is far from a given. For reasons of my own I particularly want us to eat at the Excelsior this evening. three-twelve. I filled Douglas in. [On the third floor. MARTIN: Oh well done! DOUGLAS: So. and generally all is rosy. actually I had a look at the restaurant—they do a very nice Italian . No. . ah. DOUGLAS: While you stay here in a five-star hotel stateroom suite. but stop it. three-eleven . MARTIN: Well. but at the Excelsior. obviously I'll have to think long and hard about this one! No. but I do. if Arthur could be relied upon. MARTIN: Ohhhh. MARTIN: You don't know what I'm going to ask! DOUGLAS: Oh. . Martin. absolutely out of the question.

listen really carefully. I made a mistake—I just want one room. MARTIN: You can't have unpacked already. So. DOUGLAS: I didn't say they were my things. You can't stay here. MARTIN: Don't forget the mixed nuts. We're staying (whispers) in the Excelsior! In the staterooms. [to the RECEPTIONIST] Buon giorno. They're decorative stuffed cockroaches. DOUGLAS: As if I would. It is different here. Skip? MARTIN: All right. Is he gone? Right. no. Ah well. . Douglas. . ARTHUR: What's going on. see you at dinner then. I have things to pack. MARTIN: No.] ARTHUR: Gosh. [At the Garibaldi. after you'd gone. Arthur. I got them refunded too. Then you go to the Garibaldi and I'll have the staterooms. isn't it? Are those real? DOUGLAS: No. Of course I'm not staying in the staterooms. DOUGLAS: Fair enough. . MARTIN: You're right. you can't trust anything Arthur tells you. Excuse me. if we can return these two? RECEPTIONIST: [releases a put-upon groan. all the rooms are refunded and we have no choice but to go to the Garibaldi. well done. MARTIN: You and I aren't staying here tonight. Skip. please. . I hate these. ARTHUR: Oh. chaps. All right. ARTHUR: Oh dear. but I've returned this room to the hotel. give me ten minutes. okay? DOUGLAS: . I must say I'm surprised because that receptionist seemed pretty firm— MARTIN: I'm very persuasive. after I'd gone? MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: What.] MARTIN: Thank you. I'm sorry. .complimentary mixed nuts which is charming— MARTIN: Well. [huffs] Spoilsport. . I'm trying to tell you you're right! DOUGLAS: So glad we agree. MARTIN: 'Bye.

. . you mustn't tell Douglas that we're staying at the Excelsior. MARTIN: Bu— HESTER: I don't want to hear any more of your stuttering and toadying. Have. Look. got that? ARTHUR: . MARTIN: B— HESTER: Just explain to me how it is that—no. . you promised me you didn't tell anyone where she was staying! ARTHUR: I didn't. . here we are. and above all you must not tell Carolyn . actually. honestly I didn't! MARTIN: You must have done! Oh God. . MARTIN: Ah. . anything at all. of course I didn't return them! But here's the important thing .ARTHUR: but I thought you managed to return— MARTIN: NO. so it shall BEEEEE . what are you doing here? DOUGLAS: Oh. You. is she? MARTIN: Douglas. [On the way back to the Excelsior. DONE? ARTHUR: Yes I do. I just want you to make them all GO AWAY! [hangs up] DOUGLAS: Well. you ridiculous incompetent little man. . Hester! I was just— HESTER: Don't "Hester" me. She's no Norman Pace. d'you think she's seen them? [his mobile rings] Hello? HESTER: [over the phone] What. I saw you beetling off and I just had a hunch this might be an interesting place to come and have a drink. . [ARTHUR and MARTIN run into a crowd of HESTER's fans. MARTIN: What am I gonna do? DOUGLAS: About what in particular? MARTIN: About everything! . . !"] MARTIN: [shouting above the din] Arthur. singing "as it was written. don't explain. .] MARTIN: . we might just be able to pull this off. you mustn't tell Hester we're staying at the Garibaldi. The horde of knights is an unexpected bonus. MARTIN: Okay. No.

come. o spotty knights! I have a proposition for you. come! What sort of opportunity does that give you to demonstrate your strange. but to actually shake her hand [a louder gasp] after first washing your own sixteen or seventeen times. And one to which. Do I hear. KNIGHT: But how do we pick which twelve? KNIGHT: Oh. . The elevator pings open. no. On condition that the rest of you immediately go a really really long way away. surely.DOUGLAS: Ah. DOUGLAS: Excellent. MARTIN: Not to me! DOUGLAS: Ah! Interesting. KNIGHT: Well. well.] . [In the hotel. The answer's obvious. she's not coming down until you go away. Am I right in thinking that you're here lying in wait like grubby leopards for Hester Macaulay? KNIGHTS: Yes! DOUGLAS: Well. suppose I were to sort all this out for you and suppose once it was sorted out there was still a nice Excelsior hotel room left over . I have the answer. we're not going away until she comes down! KNIGHTS: Yes! DOUGLAS: What a delicious metaphysical conundrum. [To the KNIGHTS] Attention. and a furious actress. luckily. Because it is to me. as the more astute—or the least un-astute of you—have noticed. five hundred euro? KNIGHT: Five hundred euros! [The other KNIGHTS start clamoring with their own bids. MARTIN: Yes. naturally. MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS: And your assets are: a dozen black shirts. So. everything in particular. a hotel lobby's worth of gormless fans. Well. unsettling devotion? KNIGHT: You mean you want us to fight for it? DOUGLAS: No. I can arrange for twelve of you to not only meet Ms Macaulay [The KNIGHTS gasp]. as I see it your problems are: a vastly expensive nonrefundable stateroom suite. for instance. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Well.] DOUGLAS: It seems I do. we could cut cards for it! DOUGLAS: Oh. . yes you can have it. no! I want you to bid for it.

get out. and beyond that . . and beyond lies an even nicer room.] HESTER: How did you time your speech so that it ended precisely on the ding? DOUGLAS: I rode up and down the lift a few times. practicing. . and furthermore. which I admit is an anticlimax. . . I have been authorized to procure for you perhaps the most luxurious accommodation in Italy not already bagsied by the Pope. allow me to say how sorry we are for all the trouble and inconvenience you've suffered. which leads into a frankly astonishing room. HESTER: Well you bloody well should be. Allow me to introduce [opens door] your butler! "BUTLER": Let us a— DOUGLAS: Sadly. Ms Macaulay. "PUDDING-SMITH": [through a strangled giggle] Pleased to meet .DOUGLAS: After you. let me assure you that the mediaeval contingent have now been entirely vanquished. HESTER: Pleased to meet you. the man whose job it is to fold the end of your loo roll into a V-shape. And not only that. HESTER: Well. DOUGLAS: It is a nice room. your under-under-butler and your under-butler-butler. Firstly. . and your . HESTER: Pleased to meet you. of course! Umberto. [The "staff" complain vociferously] OUT! [They exit.[Doors close. your knife-andboots boy. [UMBERTO: Woohoo!] Now all of you. in recompense for your suffering. but we have paid for the hotel to lay on a team of staff who'll be exclusively dedicated to looking after you during your stay. ] HESTER: Isn't there a maid of some sort? DOUGLAS: Oh yes. an airing cupboard. . DOUGLAS: Well of course it is. Behold [elevator doors ping open] your staterooms. [The elevator doors close." Finally.] HESTER: Curious uniform they have. DOUGLAS: Indeed we bloody well should be and so we bloody well are. HESTER: This is certainly more how I expect to be treated. stable lad. . you're fired. . pudding-smith. you. and your .] Ms Macaulay. your pastry cook. HESTER: Why on earth would I want a stable lad? DOUGLAS: Don't you? Umberto. your laundry man. you're re-hired. . none of them can speak any English. . And this is your chef. . your wine waiter. [UMBERTO: Aww . [The "staff" titter. on behalf of us all at MJN Air. it's a nice room.] DOUGLAS: Then this is your under-butler. HESTER: Are you all right? DOUGLAS: That's Cremonese dialect for "Pleasure's ours.

nothing! Everything's fine! Hester's happy. did you? Well.DOUGLAS: Yes. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Bagsie I get the floor. everything is absolutely fine! CAROLYN: Where are all the fans? MARTIN: You heard about that. . the accommodation budget's balanced. we did have a momentary glitch with some enthusiasts. MARTIN: Douglas explain it? CAROLYN: Yes! It was his idea in the first place! . but don't worry. you stay in my old room at the Garibaldi. HESTER: If I was an Italian hotel manager. . Hester stays in your staterooms. don't you feel? [In the hotel dining room. we sent them all away! CAROLYN: You sent them away? Why on earth did you send them away? They were my revenge! MARTIN: What? CAROLYN: Yes! Why else did you think I told them where she was staying? MARTIN: You told them? CAROLYN: Of course I told them! As soon as the studio paid up. MARTIN: Why would you want the floor? ARTHUR: Are you joking? I sleep in a bed every night! . Ooh. didn't you explain this to him? DOUGLAS: I . there's Mum! DOUGLAS: Carolyn? I thought she was flying home! MARTIN: Not till tonight. what is going on? MARTIN: Nothing. I rather like it. CAROLYN: Martin. Gives them an exciting ninja look. . I stay in Hester's old room here. DOUGLAS: Ah. but that's the beauty of it. I wouldn't give my staff black shirts. No one calls me "dearie" and gets away with it! And then I specifically booked this table for us to survey the mayhem! Douglas. God knows why— Carolyn! Hello. . ARTHUR: And me? DOUGLAS: Also in my room at the Garibaldi.] DOUGLAS: It's perfectly simple. She was very keen to take us for dinner here first. paid for by the proceeds of the handshake auction.

. .MARTIN: DOUGLAS! DOUGLAS: . Mixed nut? END CREDITS [BC] .

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