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Just to say there is absolutely nothing to worry about. (bing bong!) MARTIN: Hello. Captain Crieff here again. Still no need to panic. I repeat, there is no need to panic. Or to look out of the windows. Everything's fine. (bing bong!) MARTIN: Actually, I wasn't being entirely straight with you just now. You see, it's this damnable sleeping sickness of mine. [Yawns.] Normally I control it with a mysterious stimulant from South America but blast it, my supply's run out. I'm afraid our only hope now is if by some chance someone on board knows how to prepare this stimulant and could— CAROLYN: Yes, we get the message. Arthur, take Martin his coffee. OPENING CREDITS: This week: Douz! ARTHUR: Here you are, skipper! Wow, is that the Sahara? DOUGLAS: The vast sandy thing on the ground? That's the chap, yes. ARTHUR: Wow. It's brilliant! DOUGLAS: Always at hand with the mot juste, aren't you, Arthur? Yes, the Sahara Desert is brilliant, just as the Niagara Falls were brilliant, the Northern Lights were brilliant, and that chap from RyanAir burping the theme to the Muppets was really brilliant. ARTHUR: Come on, that was brilliant. Wow, camels! DOUGLAS: And how would you describe them, in a word? ARTHUR: Brilliant! DOUGLAS: Thought so. ARTHUR: What are they all doing there? DOUGLAS: Filling up. Douz is the last town in Tunisia before the desert. It's like a big camel petrol station. MARTIN: [scoffs] What would you know about petrol stations? DOUGLAS: I've . . . seen them; I drive past them; sometimes I stop for a Kit-Kat. ARTHUR: What, doesn't—doesn't your car need petrol, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: Oh. Arthur. ARTHUR: What. landings almost never. you could've had it signed off by Douglas Bader. Well. DOUGLAS: Roger. Two thousand landings precisely. And how many takeoffs? DOUGLAS: Oh. Douglas's car does not need petrol. or shall I? DOUGLAS: Oh.000th landing. MARTIN: I think there's a general understanding that they didn't mean "into the tank of the first officer's Lexus".MARTIN: No. The last time you did your logbook. breezy. What Martin's getting at (and this isn't for your mother's ears) is: you know how we have to run off a couple of litres of fuel before every trip to check for water droplets? Well. I'm not a mind reader. because of course takeoffs are cancelled all the time. Arthur. Arthur. DOUGLAS: Then they should have said so. . MARTIN: Mmm. I suspect I'll muddle through. maybe I should get one— DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: You still happy to take the landing. Wind is 200 at 25. my suspicions were first aroused by the use of the phrase "I was doing my logbook". there's nothing in the book to say where you have to run it off to. but it doesn't half make it go—as I imagine it would do the bunny rabbit. ARTHUR: Oh. it's not true. [switches off radio] Ooh. ARTHUR: Wow. it's just another transparent attempt to remind me what a mighty Sky God he is. Not "brilliant"? I'm crushed. It's sure to tire eventually. you can run a car on aviation fuel? DOUGLAS: Oh. You're cleared to land at your discretion on 2-7. ARTHUR: Wow. ARTHUR: Ah. DOUZ ATC: Golf Tango India. you keep lumbering on after the uptake. nothing like as many. Martin. MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Don't listen to him. I was doing my logbook the other day and I noticed that this happens to be my 2. DOUGLAS: Of course it's true! Why would you doubt it? MARTIN: Well. wow! Is that true? That's amazing. yes! It's a bit like giving a bunny rabbit cheetah food. ARTHUR: Right. good evening.
CAROLYN: WHAT? Why? DOUGLAS: Oh. you have control. we continue to make our approach.DOUGLAS: That's right." DOUGLAS: Won't it just! Arthur. No. MARTIN: [warning beep] Oh. Uh . DOUGLAS: . I have control! Control. DOUGLAS: How do you mean. . I know. everyone. DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: I have control. break the emergency glass! I require my Biggles hat. I have control. MARTIN: Douglas. you gave me this sector. We'll have the fire truck on standby. but we can't be too careful. no special procedures! "Notes: lack of rudder will reduce max crosswind limit to 25 knots. . possibly. Tower? [beep] (bing-bong!) Hello Carolyn. Of course. DOUZ ATC: Roger that. 1 hydraulic system! DOUGLAS: Oooh. right. just to see if I can. I have it! DOUGLAS: Martin. Pressure's falling. we really have lost No. this is serious! DOUGLAS: [beep] Douz tower. . and I'm well within my limits— MARTIN: I know. is she is rather The Aeroplane Who Cries Wolf. Just to let you know I'll be landing today without No. no operational effects. ARTHUR: Ah. . No. 1 hydraulic system lost. DOUGLAS: Too careful? MARTIN: [forcefully] I have control. MARTIN: The contents have fallen to zero. 1 hydraulic system. 1 hydro. DOUGLAS: You're quite the little ray of sunshine. The thing about Gertie though. we're going in! MARTIN: I have control. . yes. this is the pointy end. hang on. Stand by Pump 2 on. aren't you. I particularly enjoyed her last ground proximity warning—the one when we were on the ground. we've lost our No. All right. Golf Tango India. right. . I'm sorry. bless her. check pressure . Er. hang on. this is Golf Tango India. we've lost one of the hydro systems. what fun! MARTIN: Right. I don't know. DOUGLAS: Mmm. "too careful"? MARTIN: [firmly] Douglas. Erm. .
the company who sub-contracted to us.] . DOUGLAS: That is a very broken plane. DOUGLAS: You know what they say—a good landing's any landing you can walk away from. . Douglas. you get flustered trying to parallel-park! Why on earth would you take control? MARTIN: I'm the senior pilot on board. A great landing is one where they can re-use the plane. . CAROLYN: Good lord. [Breathes a sigh of relief. ARTHUR: Do they have hyenas in the Sahara? MARTIN: Not big enough to attack 737s. CAROLYN: If that landing had been any safer it would've killed us. but I was not the chef du jour. um . Captain Crieff kindly took control.] DOUGLAS: Well done. [A pause while everyone digests this piece of information. You made a right old meal of that. I was just taking a look outside and. DOUGLAS: Oh. Captain. .[On the tarmac in Douz. . You do see how "better" trumps "senior". I'm not denying a right old meal was made of it. why? ARTHUR: Look over there. CAROLYN: Yes. why? ARTHUR: And they're hiring us because they have a tech failure? CAROLYN: Yes. don't you? MARTIN: For your information.] MARTIN: . but I take your point. then you finally slammed it onto the ground like you were trying to wipe out the dinosaurs. and shutdown checks complete. didn't you? DOUGLAS: Not really. It looks like quite a big tech failure. a firm landing is generally the safest. [Flight deck door opens. but Douglas is the better pilot on board. are they called Panda Charters? CAROLYN: Yes.] CAROLYN: Good lord. ARTHUR: Mum. Carolyn. CAROLYN: What? Martin landed it? With a hydro failure and a crosswind? Martin. CAROLYN: What? You did two go-arounds.
DOUGLAS: It seems at least eleven of them do.CAROLYN: Well. . then the click of a camera. it does look a bit strangle-y.] MARTIN: What are you doing now. [There is a knock at the flight deck door. nothing! You two carry on. DOUGLAS: Why are you taking our pictures? ARTHUR: Mum's reprinting our company brochure. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Of Scotland. MARTIN: And the Scotland-Tunisia cricket match. MARTIN: Didn't think Scots played cricket. mum? CAROLYN: Gosh. let's turn this 'round as quickly as possible. [Back in the flight deck. Act natural. ARTHUR: She's adjusting his pillow! . and watch out for anyone trying to steal our engines.] DOUGLAS: Hello? .] CAROLYN: Whew! ARTHUR: Are you all right. is that a regular thing? DOUGLAS: A hotly-contested Hiberno-African derby. . But yeah. [A buzz. I've no doubt. . DOUGLAS: Have no fear! Martin will be in control throughout. but hot! I see where Arthur gets his way with words. they're officially the national cricket team? DOUGLAS: Apparently. if it was at all possible. does that mean we're losing the current one? MARTIN: The one with Carolyn strangling a customer? DOUGLAS: I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well.] MARTIN: So . which then opens. Arthur? ARTHUR: Oh. . it's hot! DOUGLAS: Ah! Sahara not only brilliant. and she said I could have a go at taking the picture of the cover. [CAROLYN opens the door to be greeted by. I'll be back in an hour. the sounds of the sizzling Sahara at high noon.
it's not usual. . fine. what's this? HABIB: Um . [Flips pages] Yes. . Yves Jutteau. DOUGLAS: Oh really? [lowers voice] You know.HABIB: Hello. HABIB: Would you like to speak to the airfield manager. YVES JUTTEAU: Oh. . . Douglas. Arthur? The front page of MJN's brochure. hein? Now. Martin. will you take café? MARTIN: No. I'll show him whether or not I'm . So. Compliments of the— MARTIN: Yes. yes. MARTIN: Hello. fire truck. all right. . at your service. What does it mean? [Another click of the camera. these little airfields do rather try things on sometimes if they suspect you're not .] DOUGLAS: Really. Hello. . MARTIN: Are you French? YVES JUTTEAU: Ah! My cover is blown. Originally. [In the airfield manager's office. yes—you're not the only ones who used to have an empire. yes I would. I can read what it says. Yes. MARTIN: Yes. the one in the captain's seat wearing the captain's hat? HABIB: Sorry. .] AIRFIELD MANAGER: Entrez! Ah. you have. . how can I help you? . give it here. actually I'm the captain. captain. I don't want coffee. YVES JUTTEAU: I am delighted to meet you. MARTIN knocks on the door. MARTIN: No. then café you shall not have. our gallant captain quibbles over a bill? MARTIN: I'm not quibbling. actually I'm the—oh. that. fine . Compliments of the airfield manager and would you please be able to settle the bill? MARTIN: Yeah. it says three hundred dollars here for a fire truck! HABIB: I don't know. captain. MARTIN: What? Not what? DOUGLAS: Oh . sir? MARTIN: Yes. You must be the captain. Martin Crieff. . then enters. Are you the airfield manager? AIRFIELD MANAGER: I am. . nothing.
this weather report. what do you mean. if I may attempt an idiom. Fire truck. MARTIN: But why are we paying for it? YVES JUTTEAU: Because you called it up! You radioed you were landing with a hydraulics failure. "fire truck"? YVES JUTTEAU: I can find no words that describe a fire truck better than "fire truck". MARTIN: That's still only two hours. Eighty dollars? YVES JUTTEAU: Yes. YVES JUTTEAU: Yes? MARTIN: Well. I would say so. between friends. We mobilized the fire truck. what. by all means. firstly you're charging us for three hours on stand—we've only been here. MARTIN: But we don't pay for that! YVES JUTTEAU: Then who pays for that? MARTIN: Nobody pays for that! It just happens! .MARTIN: It's this bill. MARTIN: D'you really think that's information worth eighty dollars? YVES JUTTEAU: Without it. one hour fifty-four? YVES JUTTEAU: I regret we charge per hour. YVES JUTTEAU: Yes? MARTIN: Well. Now. MARTIN: It's a very glossy folder— YVES JUTTEAU: Thank you. let us call it two. MARTIN: —containing one sheet of A4 printed off from Google Weather Maps! YVES JUTTEAU: You would prefer two sheets? MARTIN: Which says it's going to be hot! YVES JUTTEAU: It is going to be hot. . actually. you cannot take off! So . MARTIN: Thank you. Anything else? MARTIN: Yes. . Or per part of per hour. get your skates on? [Chuckles] But yes. YVES JUTTEAU: You're expecting to leave within the next six minutes? You'd better.
I don't think so. [chuckles] thank you! Really. I can't thank you enough. Oh incidentally. Panda Charters! CAPT. but if you could possibly all keep to the inside of the minibus. [On the tarmac at Douz airfield.] CAROLYN: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! I don't mind the singing. JESSOP: Well.YVES JUTTEAU: I don't know what your fire trucks do. CAPT. JESSOP: That's why we're here. We all are. You did know that. However. I have disagreed with it. MARTIN: Oh. The Scottish national cricket team is singing rather loudly inside the minibus. you know. you can't blame them. Something about whiskey and a loch. I'm taking off the third hour. CAROLYN: Oh. don't cross him. . I'm going to do nothing about it. The airport manager wouldn't let us leave without paying our bill. Captain. to come and rescue us like this. but our fire trucks do not "just happen". "generous"? What's "generous"? CAPT. I suppose you think I'll believe anything. CAPT. I will send you an amended one. I'm getting paid. MARTIN: Right. if you pass me the bill. Well. JESSOP: Er . The fire truck remains. they went bust. JESSOP: Oh. so grateful. Really. it's my job. hen! CAROLYN: Thank you! A very spirited bunch. I mean. didn't you? CAROLYN: No. MARTIN: You're taking off the fire truck? YVES JUTTEAU: No. really there's no need. They're just delighted to be getting home. I did not. CAPT. CAROLYN: Well. . anyway. CAPT. JESSOP: Well. JESSOP: Oh. whatever you do—he's a right bastard. no. on behalf of my crew. do you? YVES JUTTEAU: I'm sure you will believe almost nothing. We are so. YVES JUTTEAU: You've made it. that would be super! RANDOM SCOT: On yer bike. really? Who by? CAROLYN: What? By your firm. . but there is! We can't get over it—it's so public-spirited of you! So generous! CAROLYN: [slams on the brakes] What? How do you mean. aren't they? I was expecting the Scottish cricket team to have a certain dour quality. I've made my point. isn't it? I mean. They omitted to mention it.
We're doing this whole damn trip for free! Panda Charters went bust! That's why their plane looks like that! The airfield manager stripped it of parts in lieu of payment. not so hard-core as all that. it's not. or . that's hard-core. He's a nice enough fellow—really. DOUGLAS: Er. DOUGLAS: Gosh.[Back in the flight deck. you know the type. [The door opens again.] CAROLYN: Right! Come on then. Martin. er. let's get out of this hellhole! [camera click] ARTHUR WILL YOU PUT THAT DAMN THING AWAY BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT IT! ARTHUR: Sorry. do you have a card reader.] DOUGLAS: Ah. lower bill now. I hope you are enjoying your free hour? MARTIN: Never mind about that—what's this about a "safety infringement"? . [To HABIB] Right. . DOUGLAS: And the fire truck? MARTIN: [quickly] Doesn't matter about the fire truck. just a matter of showing them who's in control. How did you get on? MARTIN: Oh yes. MARTIN: Oh. what's this? Safety infringement penalty: six hundred dollars? MARTIN: Wha—What?! HABIB: Yes. and the revised bill. it's nothing really. He is on the radio. . DOUGLAS: Goodness. DOUGLAS: It rings a faint bell. CAROLYN: What about the fire truck? MARTIN: Nothing! Doesn't matter. this time more politely. DOUGLAS: Everything tickety-boo.] HABIB: Excuse me. the manager anticipated you might like to talk to him about that. Captain Crieff. [CAROLYN enters. well done. MARTIN: [switches the radio on] "Safety infringement"—what safety infringement? YVES JUTTEAU: Ah! Good afternoon. Mum. amended. They're just sending out the new. MARTIN: Right! [Flips pages] A-ha! Two hours! See. not when stood up to. pretty well. Carolyn? CAROLYN: No. Monsieur Jutteau's compliments. he's just one of those little men who've got a little job and so have to spend the whole time proving they're just as good as anyone else.
that is enough! MARTIN: Hello? Are you listening to me? YVES JUTTEAU: I'm sorry. CAROLYN: No. poor sods. of course we'll pay the bill. . I must hold you responsible for their debts. isn't it? Bankrupted these guys. But when you did me the honour of visiting my office to complain about the last bill. CAROLYN: Hello? The payment's gone through. we don't. We're already thousands of pounds down on this trip. Thank you. all I want to do is get home. hello! So sorry about the misunderstanding. .YVES JUTTEAU: Sadly. MARTIN: Carolyn! I'm dealing with this—it's under control! CAROLYN: Shut up. Regrettably. it wasn't there on the last bill! YVES JUTTEAU: Indeed not. fleeced us —hope you feel really big now! YVES JUTTEAU: "These guys"? The gentlemen from Panda Charters? They are with you? MARTIN: Yes they are. . you crossed the apron. I was just . if you'll just give your credit card to Habib there— [sounds of transaction] MARTIN: Well. YVES JUTTEAU: Voila. because you wrecked their business and pulled their plane to shreds — CAROLYN: Martin. excellent. In the middle of the day. as you are carrying Panda Charters's crew and passengers. Martin. YVES JUTTEAU: Ah! Then we have a problem. we're not paying for it. . MARTIN: Yes. In the Tunisian sunshine! YVES JUTTEAU: Nevertheless. though. YVES JUTTEAU: Well. . m'sieu! It's a good week for you. MARTIN: What. YVES JUTTEAU: And were you wearing the regulation yellow reflective safety vest? MARTIN: I . well done. . YVES JUTTEAU: Ah. did you not? MARTIN: Yes. there was a small one. MARTIN: Well. we do. arranging something . I'm afraid you may not leave until they . Monsieur Jutteau. it is wise to be in good habits. Yes. MARTIN: But it's a deserted airfield.
[Suddenly there is the sound of trucks moving outside. JESSOP: Well. DOUGLAS: Yes. come on! CAROLYN: How much? YVES JUTTEAU: Twelve thousand three hundred and six dollars. how about breaking out the drinks trolley? LACHLAN: [Chuckles] Heh. pal! ARTHUR: Yes. your national authorities (whom I would notify) would immediately suspend your operator's licence. nice one. By parking the fire truck across your nose—although on the upside.] Also. YVES JUTTEAU: Of course. ARTHUR: Unfortunately no drinks service is scheduled at this time due to technical difficulties. [A collective grumbling from the Scottish National Cricket Team. see you in court. must be off now. I do regret to inform yourselves that the delay that's going on currently is still currently ongoing. and— CAROLYN. [In the passenger cabin. I am going to stop you. aye. LACHLAN: Eh? CAPT. what is not debatable is whether it is illegal or not to take off without clearance from air traffic control. YVES JUTTEAU: That's debatable. but that's entirely illegal. we know. I was playing for time. MARTIN.] . I was just taking a look outside.are paid off. this time I will not charge you for mobilizing it. [snaps fingers] Hey. MARTIN: Oh now. MARTIN: Yes.] LACHLAN: Hey. [The door opens. MARTIN: Unfortunately we don't have time to debate it. MARTIN: Who's gonna stop us? YVES JUTTEAU: No one is going to stop you. It definitely is. sir? How can myself be of assistance to yourself? LACHLAN: When are we gettin' this thing moving? (RANDOM SCOT: Aye!) ARTHUR: Ah. We do apologize for any inconvenience. But when you get home. Maybe.] ARTHUR: Chaps. But we will keep you fully informed as to the developments of any developments as they develop. well. nice try. But let us call it twelve thousand.
The most important thing is to keep cool. we'd just refueled! [A furious knocking from the passenger cabin. And the answer to all four is: because we've run out of fuel. You wouldn't know anything about that. As well as the fire truck. then.] What was that? DOUGLAS: That was the air conditioning dying. our enemy to give us takeoff clearance. MARTIN: Yes. so we can't go backwards or sideways. I've been looking at the chart. why? Why? DOUGLAS: Four excellent questions. the air conditioning shuts down. May I suggest. he's put a tractor behind us and a baggage truck on each side. DOUGLAS: All right then. shall I? CAROLYN: I don't have time for your stupid squabbles—this is serious. MARTIN: All right. I'll just sit back and watch you masterfully sort it out. not in a metal tube in direct sunlight. Carolyn. [Back in the flight deck] CAROLYN: [enters] All right. Without fuel our air conditioning unit will not work! YVES JUTTEAU: Oh dear me. . and for that fire truck to disappear. that you work fast to resolve the situation? The temperature is currently 35 degrees—that's in the shade. What an unintended consequence. If we could just get as far as there we could refuel properly. DOUGLAS: Okay. It's simple. All right. we have retrieved our fuel from your aircraft in lieu of payment. Captain. CAROLYN: We seem to find ourselves a little light on fuel. with a yell of "Hey! What's happened to the air conditioning?"] CAROLYN: [switches radio on] Monsieur Jutteau? YVES JUTTEAU: Good afternoon. Problem solved! All we need now is enough fuel to get there.LACHLAN: What technical difficulties stop you givin' out drinks? ARTHUR: Mum's locked the cupboard. MARTIN: What? We can't have done! I mean. would you? YVES JUTTEAU: Yes. Captain. There's an airstrip at Kebili only about 20 miles away. Yes. CAROLYN: Monsieur. you're right. But carry on—you were just telling us about the most important thing. I've had a look. CAROLYN: Well that's great. MARTIN: Explain to me how we were planning to go sideways. We can find a way out of this. MARTIN: But why? Why? I mean. [On cue.
and ARTHUR stumbling in. I mean. Martin. well. then a cheer from the Scots. me. So beer. They were very clear about that. . CAROLYN: Yes. Look.] ARTHUR: Ah. ARTHUR: Yeah. some of them are keen on.] [Outside] DOUGLAS: Carolyn. an umpire. water. it's just hot generally.[The door opens to the sound of the Scottish national cricket team cheering. CAROLYN: What? ARTHUR: Um. . uh. bottles clanking. . Very well. it's got really hot in there . [A chorus of Ooooohs from the passenger cabin. and a yell of "HOWZAT?" from DOUGLAS in the passenger cabin. you and Do—where is Douglas. definitely. Now. you can't go in there. MARTIN: An umpire? ARTHUR: Yes. Under the wing. they're in their swimming trunks. CAROLYN: Why not? ARTHUR: They're . . to make sure I remember they wrote it on . . I wish to have a little word. I think it's because we're so near the Sahara Desert. . and . MARTIN: Why do they need an— [A slam. anyway? [The sound of breaking glass. what can I do for you? CAROLYN: What are we going to do? . CAROLYN: All right! ARTHUR: Mum! Mum. more beer. . to applause.] CAROLYN: (bing bong!) Douglas. and in here. CAROLYN: In their swimming trunks? ARTHUR: Yes. . with the door hitting him] ARTHUR: (I'll tell them! O—Ow!) The passengers have a few requests. so they did. um. MARTIN: Oh yes. they started without. all right.
CAROLYN: No. yes. Martin is— CAROLYN: Oh stop it! Just stop it. CAROLYN: Yes. CAROLYN: You always know! You've always got some sort of trick or loophole or knows someone who knows someone! What is it this time? DOUGLAS: No.DOUGLAS: I don't know. really. But in any case we both know that if you really want to get away. will you? I need you to get us out of this. this time I'm stumped. Why do you think I'm always going on at you two for how much you spend—do you think I enjoy it? DOUGLAS: Well. all right. More money than I knew what to do with. Well. I do a bit. isn't it? So now you're not going to help? DOUGLAS: Martin needs no help from the humble likes of I. well. But then I started to run an air charter business. But I don't have any money. And as you say. But don't you worry. I've seen your house. you can. . CAROLYN: I thought so. the minimum number of planes for a viable airline is one. Eight years ago I had money after the divorce. don't be ridiculous. an aeroplane. CAROLYN: I had money. DOUGLAS: Gosh. More aeroplane than I knew what to do with. I am currently standing underneath your aeroplane. I mean. Now I have three mortgages on the house! I have to keep the car because I have to have something smart to pick clients up in. CAROLYN: How? DOUGLAS: By swallowing your pride and paying the man! CAROLYN: What with?! DOUGLAS: With a little tiny bit of all your money! CAROLYN: I don't have any money! DOUGLAS: Oh. and this one could bankrupt me. CAROLYN: Of course you know! DOUGLAS: You've slightly lost me. what are we going to do? DOUGLAS: I really don't know. seriously. I've seen your car. the fire truck's easy enough. and I have to keep the plane because—well. This is serious! DOUGLAS: No it isn't! As it happens I don't even have the answer. I had no idea. Martin's in control—I have no doubt he'll come up with something. But also literally every trip we do has the potential to bankrupt the company. but not the rest of it. What are we going to do? CAROLYN: No. This is all because Martin took the landing off you.
just a thought—if you could feed a rabbit on a tiny bit of cheetah food. I'm afraid—we still won't have any fuel. . . no. it no longer meets the quality criteria. and we still won't have clearance to take off. MARTIN: Besides. Just. DOUGLAS: I see. that really doesn't matter. sit down nicely with Martin. ARTHUR: Could we go and get fuel in jerry cans and bring it back here? DOUGLAS: If we had about eight years. [sighs] a little old lady. I like it! ARTHUR: Yeah. why have you kept on doing it all these years? CAROLYN: Because I am the Chief Executive Officer of MJN Air. CAROLYN: Oh. DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Well. It's a good thing to be. DOUGLAS: Martin. ARTHUR: We can't steal back the fuel he took off us. yes. and think of something.W. put on the rest of your clothes. I think we can give ourselves licence to bend the rules just a tiny bit in this situation. are you? DOUGLAS: I wasn't. DOUGLAS: I'm sure he's locked it away somewhere. but I am now—you up for that? CAROLYN: No! MARTIN: Douglas. can you feed a cheetah on lots of rabbit food? DOUGLAS: Oh! You mean— MARTIN: What do you think? DOUGLAS: Yes. will you please return to the aircraft. MARTIN: [scoffs] Like you need an excuse! The man who hasn't bought a gallon of petrol since—oh. DOUGLAS: Right you are. CAROLYN: So. and Douglas? Your solution to the fire truck? You're not thinking "set fire to the manager's office so it has to move". that's—that's a terrific idea! Would it work? DOUGLAS: It worked when old G. Work.DOUGLAS: But if you've been losing all this money. and I did it with that snowplow in Vancouver. That might. but I don't really see how it helps us. It's better than . .
but no. the less sneaky bit. I know you're trying to help. Understand? THE SCOTS: Aye! DOUGLAS: Are you ready? THE SCOTS: Aye! DOUGLAS: Then onwards for England. boys. we can't just taxi our plane out onto the main road and drive it 20 miles to Kebili! DOUGLAS: Why can't we? MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: The deserted main road—straight road through the desert— MARTIN: No. [A pause as everyone mulls over this snag in an otherwise perfect plan. We couldn't even fly the 20 miles to Kebili on that. and the Scottish National Cricket Team cheers] DOUGLAS: All right. Martin. which people will see. Like. For Scotland. Talking like this. [The SCOTS cheer] . Harry and St George! THE SCOTS: Boo! DOUGLAS: Sorry. Martin and I have done the sneaky bit. . MARTIN: Sorry. I just. but it'll only give us a couple of dozen litres at most.MARTIN: What might? ARTHUR: I don't know. Arthur. DOUGLAS: It's a great idea. DOUGLAS: Brilliant. cricket. and I don't think anyone saw. Sorry. Could we? DOUGLAS: Arthur! You know what you are? In a word? ARTHUR: Yeah.] ARTHUR: Could we just drive there? MARTIN: No! ARTHUR: . sorry. ARTHUR: Oh! [The cabin door opens. we do it. So it's all about speed—we get out. sorry. and St . . Wisden. . we get back in. Now. Skipper. . we couldn't! . . even if we had clearance. .
and . .N. places! Okay. YVES JUTTEAU: You cannot take off! You are forbidden from taking off! MARTIN: Duly noted. . . . Carry. Wouldn't it have been clever if we had. we don't have time for the checks. do not have clearance to take off! DOUGLAS: Take off? MARTIN: Who said anything about taking off? CAROLYN: Wouldn't dream of it! Against the law. and drop! [Crash!] AIRPORT WORKER: Hey! Heeeeeeeey! DOUGLAS: Back on the plane. you stole the petrol from my trucks?! DOUGLAS: As the voice recorder in this flight deck will forever record for posterity: Absolutely not! . bit more. . Yes. . Douz tower. . And three. You do not have clearance! Repeat. YVES JUTTEAU: How? MARTIN: Let's just say next time you want to starve an aircraft of fuel don't surround it with four petroldriven vehicles. remember—bend from the knees and not from the back. what do you think you're doing? DOUGLAS: Hello there.T. it's coming! . Sorry about this. nearly there.C. .[The team + DOUGLAS and MARTIN pile out of the plane and rush to the trucks. though? YVES JUTTEAU: It doesn't matter. lift! [the sound of machinery creaking from the collective effort of the S. one. auxiliary power off— DOUGLAS: Martin. . you know. Yes! It's coming.] .] DOUGLAS: Places. . carry . I'm afraid your little fire truck was slightly in our way. YVES JUTTEAU: [over the radio] Golf Tango India. . YVES JUTTEAU: You . . . love to stay but we've just remembered a pressing engagement. two. . nearly there . Hope you don't mind us moving it. back on the plane! Go! Go! Go! Go! MARTIN: [out of breath] Engine bleeds on. YVES JUTTEAU: And how far do you think you'll get with no fuel? CAROLYN: [innocently] No fuel? MARTIN: Whatever gave you that idea? CAROLYN: We’ve got fuel. .
Captain! YVES JUTTEAU: You CAN'T take that on the road! It's . You know I get carsick in the passenger seat. straight. Carolyn? CAROLYN: It might be. a little drink. . . striking. . . What do you think. . Yves old chum. could be heard mangling the lyrics to "The Self-Preservation Society". Douglas. air-conditioning. In the air. I have ever had . [switches radio off] MARTIN: Do they drive on the left. Arthur. . DOUGLAS: Right hand down a bit it is. drunk on booze. . it's against the law. Ah. Martin. the Scottish National Cricket Team. yes? Let's see. has been the most fun . . . Are they ready for us in Kebili? DOUGLAS: They are. . DOUGLAS: Well. . I'll tell you what. MARTIN: Thank you. and look! I think I've found the photo for the brochure! DOUGLAS: Oh. Number One! And be sure to indicate when joining the road.DOUGLAS: Plus we've nothing like enough fuel to get us there! . I suppose we'll find out.] DOUGLAS and MARTIN: Arthur! ARTHUR: [giddily] Today . in my life! DOUGLAS: Good. DOUGLAS: Is it? I'm not sure it is. MARTIN: On the ground. they probably drive pretty much wherever the hell they like. . deserted highway to Kebili— DOUGLAS: We should be fine! MARTIN: Right hand down a bit. and adrenaline. . dear. though— CAROLYN: Taxiing down the long. . Martin? MARTIN: Hmm. [The flight deck door bursts open and a drunk ARTHUR stumbles in. darling? MARTIN: No thanks. Bye-eee. Not very well up on the Tunisian Highway Code. .] DOUGLAS: Two miles to go. or the right in Tunisia? DOUGLAS: I think when they're driving on an empty highway through the desert in an aeroplane. DOUGLAS: Do you want me to drive for a bit. Oh. is it possible you've had a little drink? ARTHUR: I have had . [Back in the passenger cabin. if you can get the Sahara Desert traffic police mobilized in the next forty minutes or so. .
ARTHUR: Yes. DOUGLAS: Hmm. you've elected for a shot of twelve Scottish cricketers in the Sahara Desert wearing swimsuits and carrying a fire engine.DOUGLAS: So. I sort of know what you mean. END CREDITS . In your quest to find the one image which perfectly sums up MJN Air and everything it stands for. The awful thing is. Arthur.
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