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Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

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Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script
Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

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Published by: vanveen1967 on Sep 03, 2013
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  • Strike! You're out!
  • Elaine Harper
  • Thank you. Yours?
  • Mortimer Brewster
  • You don't understand. Come here
  • I'm Mortimer Brewster
  • Mortimer Brew--
  • Mr. Brewster!
  • It's old-fashioned. It's
  • Did George Washington ever sleep here?
  • Brophy. Is Lieutenant around?
  • We mustn't be angry with Mortimer
  • You know I'm not a swearing man
  • Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute
  • Now don't do that again. Do you hear me?
  • The Army and Navy are ready for action
  • What's this? The Oregon?
  • The stairs are always San Juan Hill
  • Splendid idea! A very pleasant place
  • That's bully! Just bully!
  • Abby! While I was out?
  • Wait a minute. And her brooch
  • He did? What did he say?
  • Please! For heaven's sake!
  • Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look
  • You'll see it often. It goes just before this
  • I can handle Father. He's a dear
  • Niagara Falls?
  • I wonder what Mary's doing now?
  • What? Now?
  • We're married. Elaine and I are married
  • Isn't it wonderful? They're married!
  • It's all ready. It's been ready since--
  • You mean Mind Over Matrimony?
  • Let's find them before Elaine sees them
  • Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me
  • He's a Mr. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins
  • He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice
  • Wait! Stop all this
  • ...because Reverend Harper was coming
  • Then I must be here
  • Twelve. Twelve!
  • Never mind about that. Just sit down
  • Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist
  • Old Judge Cullman!
  • I wonder if I got his number
  • What am I doing with tickets?
  • What's wrong? Look at your hair
  • What color is it? Has it turned?
  • Who? Judge Cullman?
  • But it's a matter of life and... Elaine!
  • How do you do? Come in
  • Are your family Brooklyn people?
  • I can see the headlines now. Please
  • Hello! Hell--
  • What I mean is
  • Mr. Witherspoon speaking
  • Bonaparte. And if--
  • Where's my hat? There it is
  • Stop that. What is it?
  • Mr. Hoskins' hat!
  • Wait a minute! What am I doing?
  • Shame! Such a nice hat
  • What were you saying about Mortimer?
  • Yes. The poor dears
  • Now I'm glad to escape back into it
  • Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha
  • It's Jonathan
  • Dr. Einstein is responsible for that
  • But I've seen that face before
  • ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated
  • Bless you. It's good to be home again
  • Forget Mr. Spenalzo
  • Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do
  • Poor Teddy
  • Only last week I created a mild sensation
  • Good! Then you'll live longer
  • I may be committing the wrong Brewster
  • I beg your pardon. Who are you?
  • I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed
  • We have no hotel. We came here directly
  • Come here. Quick
  • The Panama Canal
  • And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo
  • Mr. Hoskins!
  • I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins!
  • But you must be very tired. Both of you
  • -It's time I came home to take care of you
  • Now! Turn out the lights
  • Aunt Abby
  • Help me. He's so heavy
  • Now I have him. Now I got him
  • Now I've got him!
  • Aunt Abby!
  • Aunt Martha!
  • I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door
  • Why did you say your name was Harper?
  • It's all right. It's okay
  • May I present Dr. Einstein?
  • Dr. Einstein?
  • I see. Is that why you came over here?
  • Holy... What's that?
  • It is Jonathan!
  • How could I forget you?
  • Where'd you get that face? Hollywood?
  • Mr. Spenalzo
  • What's going to happen to Mr. Spenalzo?
  • Wait! Who's this Mr. Spenalzo?
  • A friend of ours Johnny was looking for
  • No! It was Jonathan!
  • Windowseat. Witherspoon
  • But didn't you hear what I was just saying?
  • What kind of a doctor? A family doctor?
  • Ye gods! There's another one!
  • Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!
  • We told you. Mr. Hoskins
  • It is not Mr. Hoskins!
  • A total stranger. How can I believe you?
  • No. Don't
  • Officer O'Hara!
  • You got company? Sorry I disturbed you
  • Now get going! All three of you
  • I never did like Mortimer
  • Of course. She was my mother
  • I thought I told you
  • Now what are you going to tell O'Hara?
  • How about the backroom at Kelly's?
  • You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's
  • Where are those papers? There they are
  • The moment I get Spenalzo
  • He must mean Mr. Hoskins
  • Mr. Hoskins?
  • Crowded? With what?
  • Three in Chicago and one in South Bend
  • All I need is one more
  • That's all. Just one more
  • And I've a pretty good idea who it is
  • What? Did I say
  • I'll bring Teddy out
  • It's Halloween
  • Certainly. Welcome to Washington
  • That's the way I love you
  • You see? Didn't I tell you?
  • Martha and I are going for the police
  • You know what Jonathan's doing?
  • No! I am tired
  • We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day
  • A secret proclamation? How unusual
  • So I have. Wait here
  • Johnny's in a bad mood. Get out!
  • And then things happen. Horrible things
  • Please. Only for dramatic critics
  • There's a man... Now listen to this
  • All right. Let's get it over with
  • But I cannot see this without the drink
  • We have to work fast. The quick way
  • Mayor Fiorello La Guardia!
  • The scene changes. It's an evolving stage
  • I better let them know that I found you
  • At the Brewster house
  • The Lieutenant is on his way over
  • So I've been turned in?
  • Now I'll do some turning in!
  • Don't! Sarge!
  • Fight. Go on and fight
  • I got something better. Let me tell you--
  • The papers are all signed. What do I care?
  • It did. Isn't that amazing?
  • Boris... Turn him over
  • Now go on. Report in
  • No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in
  • Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim?
  • Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight
  • He signed it Theodore Roosevelt!
  • Mr. Brewster?
  • Mr. Witherspoon is here
  • Take away the "B" and what have you got?
  • That's all right! Do that again for me
  • Never mind! Give me that pen
  • You will take good care of Teddy?
  • Something I've been working on
  • Captain! Captain!
  • Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa!
  • Bully! Bully!
  • And Happy Dale is full of staircases
  • How can you allow this? You promised
  • "There is a Happy"
  • He got it. It's amazing
  • Teddy committed himself. Couldn't they?
  • Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan?
  • Talks with a German accent
  • But Dr. Einstein!
  • You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale
  • You mean I'm not really a Brewster?
  • It's true! I saw them. It's true
  • It's true! There are 13 bodies down there!
  • But I saw them--

Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

You know I'm not a swearing man. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. ... No... He's so very much in love with her. Bless you. He used to come to see us only occasionally. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.. watch your language.." either. Don't you call them "the girls. Brophy.... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic...because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater...he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. Sister Martha and I are so happy.Their old man left them fixed for life.should take any man's daughter anyplace... We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. . and now. .they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks.but no man with this published attitude. . You'd be surprised . Remember now. I must be catching cold. .. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer... dear. Reverend Harper. at any time..

fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. we came for the toys. dear. Splendid! Thank you.what they'd consider swearing. Mr. He's taking over my beat. the new man on the beat. by the library door. You get tired of playing cards. no. The toys are on the chair up here. we have nothing to report. Will you excuse me? No. This is Officer O'Hara. -Come right in. absolutely nothing to report. -How do you do. I'll go. Thank you. You know the Reverend Dr. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Brophy? . -Miss Abby. That's splendid work you men do. gentlemen. Brophy. At ease. sir? It's nice to meet you. How do you do. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. Teddy. what news have you brought me? Colonel. Teddy. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. They're all packed. This is Officer O'Hara. Harper from the church next door? Hello. No. Gentlemen.

still.. Isn't it a shame. That's right. Isn't it a shame.. thank you. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .. Father.. You've done so much already.. Gentlemen. I'll make a note. I promised I wouldn't swear. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. . But a little weak. Reverend.She's better. They're afraid of him. He's an interesting character. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Sarge. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.. Now don't do that again.. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.. Teddy. . Please don't bother...and the neighbors raised Cain. Look. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.

-The children will go crazy. put it back. and thank you very much. You bet I will. He's taking over my duties. So long. Brophy. Colonel. -Now. dear. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Hey. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -Thank you. Be sure it's good and hot.. this is grand.Well. now. it goes to Australia. -Not at all. Miss Brewster. Thank you. Teddy. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon.. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Dismissed! . how do you do? Miss Martha. -Don't mention it. The Army and Navy are ready for action. No. Martha. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. Officer O'Hara. -Reverend. Sarge. Colonel. -These are lovely. you're back. Yes. Here's the broth for Mrs.. It'll make a lot of kids happy.

no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. -Well.it might be a change for him. you're happy. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. -Careful of the step with the toys. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. . ... Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. and what's more important. if he's happy. a long time ago. That is quite a problem. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone.. indeed. Martha? Once.. let that be a lesson to you.-Goodbye and thank you.. -Don't mention it.. Well. we thought if he'd be George Washington. I must be going. Young man. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody. Yes. -Good night... and we suggested it. Goodbye. Do you remember.

to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. -No. . Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. too. And dinner's going to be late. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. I didn't know when you'd be back. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. why? Good news for you. sweet Reverend Harper. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. Did you just have tea? Yes. And I was all alone. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. I just couldn't wait for you. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place.. and Reverend Harper was coming.. -I got along fine. Dear.. dear. There wasn't time. -But all by yourself. You know. dear. -I'll run right downstairs and see. Martha. So.

Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. Just throw it. -This old cab has seen osculation but. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. If you find her hairpins. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen.Well? Just look in the windowseat. right out here with everyone looking. -You've got to drive us to the station. keep them. And her brooch. you're going to love me . -But. -It's Elaine! -Hello.. Wait a minute. Mortimer. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Here's your hat.. -Take her hat. Mortimer. darlings.. -You ain't seen anything yet. Please! For heaven's sake! But. Hold on to that. buddy. I don't like that look in your eyes. There they are. But. -But that was only Sunday.

. He's a dear. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. I can handle Father.. hurry and pack.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel.. We've a room on the train.. I don't have to. There's that look again! "There's that look again. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. Yes. the bridal suite in the hotel.. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. There. Look. You know what we're doing? Wasting time. too? One thing at a time. You should've seen my secretary's face. don't tell your father. No. You'll see it often.. you see! You see? That's what I mean. darling.. That's what I hate about women. I started packing the day after I met you. Go on.for my mind. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. . . It goes just before this.

Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. dark streak of light. Brewster? Good. it's me. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Isn't it too. What? Now? No. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Oh. here. And throw in a flock . When you whistle. Hurry. -Father may want to pray over me. If you see a tall. Grand Central Station. you two old frauds. -It'll be a few minutes. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. hurry. Hold on to your bustles. Elaine and I are married. darling. -Whistle when you're ready. Did you send those roses to Mrs. We're married. open the front door fast.

Well. dear. Did everybody know I was getting married. You know how your books upset him. Oh. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'll run along and get everything ready. we can have our celebration. It's all ready. . Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. Of course. I'm going to burn all my books. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. -And.of orange blossoms. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. A taxi's waiting. -You won't have time to bake a cake. But before you go. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. of course. a wedding cake. too. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry.

had a character in it. I'm off to Panama. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. Mr. reminded me of Jonathan.Now you behave. A new lock for the canal. dear! . Just bully. Mr. Oh. goodbye. Really? A honey of a lunatic. what a face! I remember now. you know. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. "Oh. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Mortimer! -How are you. Goodbye. My. President. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. Yes. dear. President? -Bully. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. I saw a play. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. Hello. Isn't it wonderful? Well. He'd scare grownups with it. thank you. I know. You ought to put that in the fire with my books.

but it has nothing to do with Teddy. -You know? -Of course. listen. Well. When Teddy's working on the canal. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Now. Yes. Yes.Yeah. The next thing-Hey. Teddy's killed a man. what a play. dear. the first thing you see is a dead body. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. darlings. When the curtain goes up. darling! Never mind that now. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. mister. -There's no such hurry as that. darlings. That's after we're gone. Get him up here now. I'm frightfully sorry. look. dear. . darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. We know. At once! -He's in the cellar. you can't get his mind on anything else. but I've got an awful shock for you.

That's really all I know about him. men just don't get into windowseats and die. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable. Hoskins. Mortimer. You mean you. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. don't be so inquisitive. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. how did he die? Mortimer. What the. Who is he? He's a Mr. When it's in tea. except that he's a Methodist.. Now look. No..Now. You just forget about it.. Aunt Martha. You put it in the wine? . That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died.. Adam Hoskins.. dear. it has a distinct odor. He died first. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it.. Wait! Stop all this.

Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . you know all about it and just forget about it. Hoskins in the windowseat. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.. but this time we'll go where we want to go. Yes. The dears. Look at me. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people... She's much better. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. It's first-degree. That wouldn't have been very nice. Abby. darling. . Mortimer.because Reverend Harper was coming.. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. tomorrow or next day. You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well.Yes. We must do that. Now. not at tea. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Schultz. And I put Mr.

Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. Aunt Martha. dear.. -Stop worrying about it. dear. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. -But Mr. We don't intend to. Mortimer. Mr. you behave. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Look. They have so much fun. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. . That's what we did with the others. I know what his name is.Yes.. I want to know what we're going to do. dear. We told you to forget the whole thing. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -We can't turn you over to the police. Whatever his name is. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. it is. don't be so impatient. Hoskins. Mortimer. you can't leave him in there.. Now. You're going to bury Mr. You can't. Teddy's down in the cellar now. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. dear. here. digging the lock.

-Others? -The other gentlemen. and that makes it 12. I didn't mean-- . dear. I was counting the first one.. When you say "others. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. This makes 12. she's probably right. dear..it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. For heaven's sake. But. keep your shirt on! Elaine. Abby. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. Abby usually is. Abby. This is 1 1.. This one is only 1 1 . No. isn't it. I think you're wrong. I really don't think you should count the first one. . It does? Well. Abby. Abby? No. Hello. Hoskins first came in. dear. Makes it 12. I get them mixed up sometimes. because I remember when Mr. dear. Let me see now.. dear.

.we would.. Teddy came up from digging in Panama.. And that meant he had to be buried immediately.that if we could help other lonely.. Abby thinks we should count the first one. old men. Why. when his heart attack came...... Where were we? Twelve. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. We felt so sorry for him... we all took him down to Panama..Now.. Twelve! Yes. old gentleman. ..... .. who was the first one? Mr.. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then. let's see. Remember. .. All his kith and kin were dead. Just sit down. dear. . .and he sat there dead in that chair.. You mean. .. .. Never mind about that. He was such a lonely. So. And then.looking so peaceful. Midgely.. then and there. He was a Baptist.to find that same peace.... Tell me.and he thought Mr. Martha? We made up our minds.. you poor.. you see.

And then. Wait a minute! Come here... No. .in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things... just a pinch of cyanide. Well. dear.. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. -Mortimer. for a gallon of elderberry wine.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine. ......l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. As a matter of fact.because we know exactly what's to be done. There. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial.... darling. so. Of course not! Well... ... .. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . Should have quite a kick... dear. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it...

I couldn't eat a thing. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. That'd be nice. Winchell? No. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. What am I doing with tickets? Information. darling. wasn't that nice of him? Abby... Let me see. We must get that cake frosted. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Let me see. He's wonderful.. Winchell's no good. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Who can I call up? Dewey. Singing away. Teddy! Of course. Happy as a lark. a sip of. La Guardia. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman ... digging locks. Don't worry about the cake..He did? Well. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. Everybody knows he's crazy.

-Come on! -I'm so sorry. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. What'd you do. you! Thought you were tall. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. I heard you whistle. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. -How do I look? -You look fine. -Run on home. Something's happened. please. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. dark streak of light.on North Shore Road. Yeah. What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. . I'll call you up tomorrow. yes. Brooklyn. What's wrong? Look at your hair.

It's very. Judge. It won't wait until tomorrow. I'll tell you why I called you. Elaine. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. . Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. about Teddy. You better go home! -But. darling. I've got to come over and see you right away. Judge. We've got to do something immediately. You smell so nice. But it's a matter of life and. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster.If I could only tell you. Judge. It's about Teddy.. he's-It's his bugle blowing. The police want to throw him into a state institution. -Go to bed. A thing happened.. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. very important.. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. we were married today.

this would be a nice comfortable chair. Operator? Give me long distance. Another Miss Brewster. I'm Miss Brewster. Now. please.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. And this is my sister. do sit down. dear. New York. -Well. How do you do? Come in. It's a wonderful place. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. we're just setting the table for dinner. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Don't like it. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Do step in. -My name's Gibbs. Doorbell's ringing. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. I'm sorry. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. Happy Dale. I understand you've got a room to rent. -All alone in the world? . we can get him to Happy Dale.

" when you dig a lock. I don't think I'll like it. Martha. I can see the headlines now. Well. Well.-Well. -Do sit down. -Thank you. we make this ourselves. skoal.. Happy Dale. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. That's right." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. Well. The room's upstairs.. Please. -No. "A" Iike in "arsenic. you've come to just the right house.. . but the cemetery's full of them. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. I'd like to see the room. "D" Iike in "dig. -Dale. It's elderberry wine.

Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. madam..Hello... I'm not drunk. it's wrong. I'm nervous..but it's not only against the law. What I mean is. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Oh.. . but you've given me an idea! Darling.. He wouldn't understand. Not that. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Don't do that. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What. People wouldn't understand. murdered.

Brewster? How are you? Mr. Bonaparte. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them.. Oh. operator. we want to commit him there immediately. . dear. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. if your mind is made up.. do you-I'm fine. Of course. Thank you. Witherspoon speaking.What? All right. Witherspoon. Witherspoon. How do you do. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. That's too bad. dear. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. And if-Oh. . Yes.. Well. please. Oh. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Mr. Witherspoon. Brewster. I see. if he thought that-Mr.-.. Thank you.and it would lead to trouble. Mr. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet.That's amazing. Well. Well. now. Mr. Mr. thanks.

. . Whosit where he is. I can't talk to you. I love you both very much. What on earth could happen to us? Well. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. I can't concentrate. I mean. Well. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. darling. Now listen. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. but I want you to promise me something. You know I'd do anything for you. Anyway.. -But. like good girls. I want you to do one thing for me. I'll sing with you. don't you? Yes. dear.. darling.. Mortimer. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. we'd have to know what it was first. you'll do that little thing for me. Get off that thing. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner..Another Roosevelt. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr.. dear. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. Oh.

You know. Yes. cab! Here you are. that's right. The poor dears. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. What? Stop that. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. You promise? Good.I'll dance with you. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Oh. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. I'll sit with you! Yeah. anything. Sure. I can go faster that way. Remember. -Don't open it. . Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. Why? He's just been married. What is it? Mr. Shame! Such a nice hat. well. I'm so happy for Elaine.

Drink. Johnny. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. we'll need another hymnal.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. A fatted calf?. -Let me look. Look. It's two men. -Do you recognize them? -No. dear. There's one up in my room. and I've never seen them before. As a boy. they're strangers to me. Johnny. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Come in. . Johnny. -Are you sure? -Yes. I'm so hungry. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. doctor. -You look. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home. it's a good hideout. I'll go. This is the home of my youth. Yes. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. The family must still live here. As if we were expected.

.. Aunt Martha. Dr. You're nothing like Jonathan.that Grandma Brewster bought in England. But I've seen that face before... his voice is like Jonathan's. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. Have you been in an accident? My face.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you.. you know.. still the high collar. Aunt Martha. He's a plastic surgeon. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies.A good omen. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. . Einstein is responsible for that. Jonathan.. Why.. Your nephew. You just get out of here. so don't pretend you are. . you're not. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby.. .. And you. It's Jonathan. No.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

Spenalzo. It would not be pleasant for any of us if... See the hole he's digging.. Bed. I could be disagreeable. Rather a good joke on my aunts. six feet long. . We'll get the car and after they're in bed. That's hospitality. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Come here. Spenalzo in through the door. I forgot to tell you. Spenalzo along. we'll bring him in through the window. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. Quick. Four feet wide.Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room.. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. as a boy. And it just fits Mr. I don't have to go into details. .You remember that... How do we get him in here? Yes.. -Down here. we can't just walk Mr. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. We expect to be very busy.

You'd better get to bed.We're moving the car behind the house. Promise? You have the word of the President . General Goethals was very pleased. A state secret? Yes. Hoskins downstairs right away. a state secret. the poor dear. And he's been so patient. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. No. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. What are we going to do about Mr. Teddy. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. we must keep it a secret. there's been another yellow-fever victim. The car is all right where it is until morning. Hoskins? Mr. I don't want to leave it in the street. He said the canal was just the right size. I think Teddy had better take Mr. That might be against the law. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house.

And we'll come down later and hold services. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. . You can go right up. -And we don't go to bed this early.of the United States. I've never even seen Mr. And then. let's see.. It seems to be spreading.. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. Cross my heart and hope to die... you were out. Your room is waiting for you. . But you must be very tired. We've never had yellow fever there before. Now. Both of you.. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy.. when everything's dark here. You just come right along and see him now. . You two run along to bed. considering that he's a Methodist. You know.. Now get along.when I turn out the lights.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.. We're bringing the luggage through here. he's really very nice looking.

You go outside and push. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. I'll open the window. . We must be quick. Doctor. Where am l? Here I am. Now! Turn out the lights. Take the bags upstairs. we'll all go to bed. I'll take a look around outside the house. Run along. -All right. Now. Good night. Yeah. For the instruments. All right. It's dark in here. I'll come back later. Aunt Abby. But he's too heavy for me. He's all right. and I'll stay here and pull. you open the window. When I tap on the glass. Aunt Martha. Johnny. You go round and hand him through. Aunt Abby. And then together we take him down to Panama.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Just off the laboratory. -I'll be right up.

I mean. wait a minute. wait a minute. Now I've got him! Johnny. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. Doctor! . I'm a brand-new Brewster. it's Brewster. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. I'll manage Spenalzo. He's so heavy. Now I have him. Go. Now I have him. Hand him over. up! Now. -But his shoe came off. quick. Help me. Go open. He's so heavy.Who left this open? Okay. -Be careful. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. somebody's at the door. Help me. Allez. I live next door. Now I got him. I'm not very used to it. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. You lost a leg somewhere. Mortimer.

that's all. "That explains everything. they talk about you. Now that I know who you are. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster.It's all right.. I'm in this house every day. . We happen to live here. ." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up.. I've never seen you before. And something of a magician. It's okay.. That explains everything. -You've heard of me? -Yes.. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. Einstein? Dr. You don't live here. -You're Jonathan. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. May I present Dr. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door.

-Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. -What else did you see? -Just that. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. . the cellar. that's all! I see. Go back to your room. Alice. I came to see Mortimer.I suppose it was you. No visitors. No! Don't be a tomboy. Charge! Doctor. I'll run--You've given two names. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. a sneak thief. But if he's not home. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. It's going to be a private funeral. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. Is that why you came over here? No.

he--Wait a minute.-We'll call the police. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. -What? I've come back home. darling. Mortimer. it talks! Yes. Jonathan! -I've come back home. Go back to your room.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. . Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Mortimer. -I'll handle this.. Do you hear me? Don't answer that.. I talk." Listen. -Mortimer. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember.. . Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. Mortimer... "I've come back home.. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy.. Einstein. Mortimer.

be a good fellow. I'm staying here from now on. Einstein to stay. -What? -Just for tonight. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. .Yeah.. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. Now. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on.. We don't take up much room. Nothing to. I remember. just a moment.. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Here's $10. -In fact. Please. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. No. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat. I'm staying here tonight. Now look.

What? What's going to happen to Mr. I'll take care of you. Mortimer. you know what I do to people who order me around. beat it! It's all right. that. Spenalzo. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat.Mortimer. Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Mr. -Killed? Aunt Abby. -Oh. darling? -I almost got killed. in just a little while. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. I'll tell you about him. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. While we are packing. Now. Wait! Who's this Mr. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. . Spenalzo. Johnny. Doctor. Elaine. Don't bring anyone else in here. I've completely lost track of Mr.

I can't hear the man.. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. . he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr.. Yes. Well. Brewster. please.. . a taxi's waiting. He's some kind of a maniac. -But--Please. I don't understand you. I got things to do. . don't worry about it. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. We were married today. -What? Go on home like a good girl. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. look. we were going over Niagara Falls.. Witherspoon. Forget it. Well.your brother tries to strangle me. I'm afraid of him... I'm here now. -You'd better run along home..and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat.-It was worse than that.. Mr. Darling.

of course? By the doctor? Oh. I know it's late. come right away. Thank you. and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. signature. . I'll get both signatures. Teddy.... What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. darling. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. wedding ring.put them in a barrel. windowseat.. . well. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy.. By the way. Yeah.I've got the papers all drawn up. darling.. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. taxi. Doctor. Let me think about this thing. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here.

Hoskins. I did. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Hoskins in the windowseat. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. It is not Mr. he's mistaken. You admitted you put Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. Yes. . where is Mr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. dear. you come in here now! Yes. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins! -By the way. Mr.No. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr.

And I've also decided that you're leaving. Are you getting out. poor dear. Mortimer.. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. Don't. Martha. Oh. I did. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. and I mean now. I'm in no mood to debate the question. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. I've decided that we're staying. .He's down there waiting for the services. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. handsome. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. what with Jonathan in the house. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. No... We haven't had a minute. you come straight along here. Listen. dear.

. -Yes. And he's taking Dr. in that case. Jonathan. what happened to Mr. I've got some very good news for you. -Glad to see you. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you.Aunt Abby. Spenalzo can happen to you. Come right in. Einstein and that cold companion with him. -And this is another nephew. too. This is our nephew. Remember.. darling. you're a Brewster. Put down that telephone.. -Pleased to meet you.. I owe you an apology. I'll have to call the police. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. Officer. You're my brother. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Listen. Mortimer. Jonathan is leaving. You can't ask for more than that. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. Don't reach for the telephone. -No! Come in. do come in. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. Well? All right.

I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. If you don't leave here. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. but I can't spell them.Your face is familiar. well. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. You can tell me all about it. This is your last chance. . And where else would you eat? See you in a moment.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. I'm working on a play now. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. I can spell like the dickens. All three of you: you. Einstein and Spenalzo. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I got to ring in. Mr. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. You are? Well. -I'll be running along. Spenalzo. Dr. Officer O'Hara. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes.

We're sleeping right here in this house. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Now get going! All three of you. Right with you. O'Hara. Please. Two old ladies as a front. Johnny.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. Okay. Look. No. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Only Mortimer stands in our way. we're coming back here. let's go. Come. you lose your head. please. take it easy. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . We've got a wonderful setup here. We can make a fortune. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Johnny. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. I never did like Mortimer. We're not going. Please! Doctor. Just give me one moment. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. But we've got trouble enough as it is. no. After that.

-Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. She was my mother. It's no fly-by-night idea. Mortimer. Well. you asked for it. -You're not going? -No. Yes. -I don't know. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -I like the first act. -Swell.. -Excuse me. If you tell O'Hara . -Officer O'Hara? -Coming..in the cellar. we got an ace in the hole. I'll be back in a minute. I worked on it for 12 years. -Legitimate? Of course. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.. We're not going. rehash it. Well. -My mother was an actress. -Peaches La Tour was her name. You stay out of this. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. Move fast. All right.

I assure you. This opening will kill you.. I'll meet you there later. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. Bohemian atmosphere.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Lowbrows. . There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot.what's in the windowseat. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. Genius at work.. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas.. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.. You'd better ring in. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! .

You haven't. I think we can start the services now.. I expect to find you gone.. That was just Mortimer. -I'll see you down there. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. And speaking of services. Well.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No. -Can't wait! Doctor.. You're smug. Jonathan. When I come back. Perish the thought. Where are those papers? There they are. The moment the doctor signs. We thought we heard you leave.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. .. Where do you..Look. Did he look guilty! Well.. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. Yes. you ring in and I'll see you later. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. Wait for me! We'll wait for him.. You won't stand me up. will you? This is a great play. dear aunties.. You've got to take him with you! . Martha.. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. doctor.

You mean. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. Mr. what we've been doing is a mercy. It's one of our charities. there's no room for Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. Besides. -Your gentlemen? Yes. They're both dead. Hoskins is no stranger. Doctor. Why. Spenalzo. . you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. -But Mr. Twelve graves. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Hoskins--Mr. The cellar's crowded already. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -He's one of our gentlemen. He must mean Mr. Mr. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Hoskins. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together.

That makes 13.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. they got 12. Then the first one in London. one in Melbourne. You cannot count the one in South Bend.... -No. Phoenix? -The filling station.So you just take your Mr.and they stay right here in Brooklyn. He died of pneumonia.. Arizona.. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him. and they do just as good as you do. What? You got 12. I've got 13. Spenalzo out of here. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. . -Thirteen. You've done all that... There's Mr. one in Phoenix. . . You cannot count him.. 12.. Johnny. Don't brag. -Filling. one in Sydney.. Spenalzo. Two in Johannesburg.. they got 12.. You got 12.two in San Francisco.. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world.. ..

but I can't commit a man just on that. are they? Well. Pull up a tombstone.. I know Teddy blows bugles.. seeing a doctor. . That's all. Just one more. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed.. but only you can help me. . If you'd talk with him. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. They are. Make yourself comfortable. -You wait here. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. -Who? What? Did I say. All I need is one more.The old ladies is just as good as you are. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. Gilchrist. I'll be right back. -You better wait. And I've a pretty good idea who it is.. Dr. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.. This is most irregular. that's easily taken care of. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween.. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home..l'm sure you'd be convinced.

-Do you? -Yes. with a Maxim silencer. So far. that's that. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. Not so good. Certainly. Five more bucks and you'll own it. $22. looks good on you! Not the suit. Well now. thanks. -Mr. It wouldn't fit me. darling. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. indeed.50. of course I love you. Welcome to Washington. the meter! "Looks good on me.-Hey. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. No. may I present--Dr. . It gives me a chance to rest.50! -What? $22. President.50! Oh. so good. is it not? Yes." $22. yes.

. but it's only a matter of time. that's ancient history. insanity runs in my family. It's way back before Teddy.. that doesn't mean-No. I probably should have told you this before. -What are you talking about? -Well. but you see. if the country insists. -Of course. I can't go through with our marriage. Just because Teddy's strange.. Darling. -That's what you think. I don't quite know.... . This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower.. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians..well. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so. I love you so much.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I'll run for a third term. but I won't be elected. It practically gallops. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. Darling. darling. Doctor.

There's no use doing what you're doing. Thank you. Well. So you're crazy. you better stop it. Aunt Abby... All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. I'm crazy too. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. but kiss me. That's the way I love you.. sanest people I've ever known. drop in to see me at the White House. -Those papers. No. They're Brewsters. all this doesn't prove a thing. even they have their peculiarities.Darling. Just go on signing the papers. aren't they? They're the sweetest. go to bed! . Anytime you're in Washington. Goodbye. Look at your aunts. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. What of it? So your family's crazy. It'll just have to be undone. -Go away. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. I. Ambassador. no.

Martha and I are going for the police. Hoskins and Mr.. . If Jonathan and Mr. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. . Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. All right.we're going for the police. I'll get them out. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. Nice and smooth like a lake. let him. Spenalzo in together.. Doctor. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. Bed feels good already. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. You know. This is all fixed up nice now.. You're forgetting. -Oh..

I think this calls for something special. No! I am tired. no police! No police! Look. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. But the quick way. My brother. what? . Not the Melbourne method. go to bed. Okay. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Doctor.-Remember. I think. You can see that it's got to be done. Or the next day. Doctor. Mortimer. huh? The quick twist like in London. Johnny. Look at me. I just heard him upstairs. not tonight! I'm sleepy. I know that look. We'll do it tomorrow. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. No. You forget. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. But Johnny. we'll do it. perhaps. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. Doctor. Okay. the Melbourne method. You are going to operate tomorrow. can't you? Yeah.

President. Mr. . Mr. Yes. Johnny's in a bad mood. mice? -You get out of this house. please? -What? Speak up. Mr. A secret proclamation? How unusual. What is it. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. Mr. You already have them on. President. -Please listen to me. Get out. Don't do that. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. Get out! -Stop underplaying. President. What a load off my mind. Hey. Oh. will you. -Of course. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr. President. -I'll put on my signing clothes. Boy. Wait here. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. I see! Very clever. So I have.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. This must be secret. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. Brewster.

-That's mine. You beat it before things start popping around here. 1919. Please. Brewster. please. You've just been married. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. Get going. -My schnapps. Heidelberg. Mr. Only for dramatic critics.. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. when Johnny's in that mood.. little fellow. But. I'll take care of him.he's a madman. Horrible things. You take care of yourself.. Stop it. Please listen to me. Don't those plays you see all the time . You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Doctor! You get out of here! Look.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. -I could use that. .Are you really a doctor? Yes. He's a maniac! And then things happen. but you go now. Doc-. look. Please. Please go now. -What's that? Wait..

There's a play that's so bad. Isn't that great? So there he is.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. He's even been warned to get out. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job.. And does he go? No.. it'll still be running when you get out. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. When you get out of prison. At least people in plays act like they got sense. .. Now listen to this. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. Witherspoon. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. The murderer even invites him to sit down. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. he doesn't. There's a man.

Doctor. Mortimer.. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. . Now. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer... the quick way. my dear brother. you may consider that a blessing. in a play or even in a movie. brother Heidelberg. were you out of my mind. but does he? No! See. Please. This fellow's supposed to be bright. I dreamt of you. Yes.a fellow never sees or hears anything. He wasn't very bright. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.. Later on.. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. I've been away for 20 years. Johnny. That's right. In Melbourne one night. Look at the attitude. All he has to do is look around.we go to work. Now get a load of this. But never. . for me..Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No... But what does he do? The big chump sits there. .

-This must be an artistic achievement. Please! All right. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . One moment. That's all. I'll split it with you. That idiot! -He goes next. -Please. there was some wine. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. After all. Here. We both have a drink before we operate. But I cannot see this without the drink. To my dear. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. We drink to you. Where are your manners? Yes. please. You remember when we came in. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. Where did they put it? I found some wine. Let's get it over with. Mortimer. Pull yourself together. dead brother. And then they took it.

They practically stole that from my play. The quick way.. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play..the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. It's all right... I see. I'll help you. -You won't at all! We have to work fast. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. out of a clear sky. Like a flash. sure. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. . We're taking the bugle away from him. In the second act. The quick way. .-We'll get to him later. -What happened to him? -Nothing. I'd better talk to him myself. yes! If it has to be. Yeah. then the quick way. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning.

You ain't heard nothing yet. -What? -I personally like it very much. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. Growing into a magnificent specimen. there's me.He says. -It's probably over his head. "Miss Peaches La Tour. The scene changes. . I'm walking along my beat. Well. All of a sudden. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. My mother doesn't say they're married.. casual-like. I'm in great danger. a fire breaks out.... see? Little do I know it. in the meantime. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. It's getting you. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. please. . It's an evolving stage..but a dope fiend with a knife is after me.

That's the one that ran away. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. He says we've got to put him away someplace. boys. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. Right in the middle of the second act. Did they send you here? No. we came to warn the old ladies. I figures I'll outsmart him. -The colonel blew that bugle again. My play put him to sleep. this is Mortimer Brewster.. Now. -Johnny. Get me Mac. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. -He's going to help me write my play.. so I pulls out my gun. Brophy.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. -I heard him.. The neighbors are phoning in. So he came back. . Brewster's brother. who the heck is this? Mr.. -There's a vacant house on the corner. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. ....when a guy that I'm following.

We found him. -Come down to the cellar. 13. you've got me.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. Brewster. -Wait a minute. So I've been turned in? All right. I better let them know that I found you. Brewster. we'll hold him right here. Thirteen bodies. Mr. The Lieutenant is on his way over. -I'll show them to you. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. Shall we bring him in? All right. . I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Mr. don't you? Well. Be careful what you say. At the Brewster house. Your aunts are friends of ours. Leave him to me. charming old ladies. It wasn't that bad. Yes. You think my aunts are sweet. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt.

Everybody off. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. I got him. He looks like Boris Karloff. Pat. -Go on down the cellar with him. Well. Don't bother me now. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Go on down the cellar with him! Now.I'll show you where they're buried. that's enough. -Go to the cellar with him. Pat. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. Look out! Fight. too. I got something better. look. -Yes. You could use this in the third act. That's enough. Amazing. come to the cellar. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on and fight. look out! Amazing. please. Don't! Sarge! Look out. . All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Such a fine day.

-This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. Don't do that.. Wish I could relax like that. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. Pat. please. fight. Telephone. . I've tried it before-It did. Thank you very much. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. Boris. -Witherspoon. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere..The papers are all signed. That won't have any effect.. brother. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. -Come in. That's fine. What do I care? Go ahead. Turn him over. dear. Get him. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. Isn't that amazing? Oh.

. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. pal. About my not ringing in. That's my brother. . The guy who helped him escape. That's the way they described him. You're going to have a long time on that play.. Certainly. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. He's a lifer. he's wanted. You're suspended.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks.. "He looked like Karloff. too.. He's wanted. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. . In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane.you can at least read short detective stories.. Now go on. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.....You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up. Report in." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. He says 13 bodies are there.

Who are you? What's your name? Usually. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. I'm Mortimer Brewster. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. you. We caught him at the White House. Howdy. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. keep out of that. This is a spy. With flatheads like you on the force. Take him out and bring him to. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service.Here. you've blown your last bugle. I want to question him. -Hey. No. Nothing to eat. Colonel. -Questioning of spies is my department. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. But I'm not myself today. Colonel. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. No sleep. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. . Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims.

I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I know just how you feel. Captain. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. I have come to get a Brewster. I'm liable to think anything. Witherspoon. Last year there was a crazy guy. . Read this. He's got to be put away. started a murder rumor. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. -As long as he's going someplace. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Look. No arguments. Just a minute. No arguments. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Any offers? I'm Mr. There's people dumb enough to believe that.You're his brother. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. no argument. -I'm waiting for Mr. take it easy.

it's chicanery. I'm so glad to see you. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. That's all right! Do that again for me." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. Never mind! Give me that pen. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Now. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him.Mr. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Witherspoon is here. He's ready to talk. Brewster? Mr. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. This is fun. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Let me explain. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. . -That's fine. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. -Hold him till I get there.

He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. I shan't mind. You never can tell. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. You do? It must be a nice place. never. secretly. it's a play.. Witherspoon. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. this is Mr. Something I've been working on. I sometimes envy some of our patients. Taxicabs. -The woods are full of them. I've never been there. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. Why? To take him away? Never.And no wagon when he leaves. I have one waiting now. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale.. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. We always. -That's good.. It means a great deal to me. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. You know. you know-Captain. .

Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Taft. Now you can take him away. Mr. -What is this? No. Witherspoon. President? Taft! No. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . I must get started immediately.-Come.. this isn't Mr. Goodbye. President. This is Captain Rooney. Aunt Martha. my boy. Your term of office is over. I'm on my way to Africa. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. your guide to Africa. I have good news for you. Aunt Abby. It's Mr.. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Let's see. I'll bring down my equipment. you got it wrong. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. -Is this March 4? -Practically. Happy man. Mr.. all signed.

indeed? It's sweet of them. dear. Now. Too dangerous. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. Why not? Why not. -We won't be separated from Teddy. -I'm sorry. We promise to take his bugle away from him. -If he's going. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again.It's all right. he can't go now! We won't permit it. . You've come to meet Teddy. I've got it. let's be sensible. Dissension. he's come to take him. You could arrange that. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. too! -Yes. How can you allow this? You promised. haven't you? No. ladies. we're going. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Oh. but impossible. jealousy. No. you'll have to take us with him. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work.

And there are hundreds more up in the attic. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. .and we'll get them all together. You just ask our nephew. Things are going to get worse. -I'll tell you what we'll do. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar. . He's been a little strange all day. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. The graves are all marked. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. you wouldn't have to dig. -How about it? -I'll be right there.. No. What? Yes... There are 13 bodies in our cellar. Mortimer.It ain't only his bugle blowing. -I'll look in that cellar.

humor them..-We put flowers on them every Sunday.. Smile. Hasn't got it yet. Teddy committed himself.. .who doesn't belong here and has to leave. I put neon lights on mine. -He got married today. -Certainly. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. Spenalzo. Humor them. "There is a Happy Dale far. we'll sign the papers. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. If we can go with Teddy. -You mustn't mind him at all. There's one down there.. -Flowers? Sure. None of mine are gentlemen. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. Where are they? . a Mr. It's amazing. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better.

-A doctor? -Yes. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. please. right here. I'm really looking forward to going. -Come here. The neighborhood here has changed so. Now. It's on the right-hand side there. I'm so sorry. Just sign right here. Doctor. please. -Here? -Yes. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. -Good night. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. Come along. Einstein. will you? I want this all cleaned up. -Were you leaving. dear. Oh. if you'll sign right here. Dr.I have them. Dr. Doctor? -Yes. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. please. ladies. Dr. Ladies. Doctor. A doctor. Sign them up. Yes. We've overlooked something. I'm going out to talk to that spy. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. . here. please. Maybe I can understand him.

The doctor has completed the signatures. Witherport. That's great! Thanks. His accomplice's description is on the circular. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. Thanks. Poses as a doctor. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. Mac. -Don't play games--You sign. Pop eyes. But Dr. Mr. Read it to me. Einstein! -Now. It's your turn. on the desk. Okay. . Doc. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Mac. It's all right. I'm Brewster. will you? About 40. It's contagious. One hundred and forty pounds. Mr. yes.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Talks with a German accent. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Hello. Don't mind me. Five-foot-three. You sign as next of kin.

President. -What. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. -It's yours. We're very happy about the whole thing. Einstein--But it's not his signature. Now. dear. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. And you were born . Duffel? Pack his duffel. you signed as next of kin. Come up and pack my duffel. -Here. -What's wrong about that. darling. darling? -Martha. Well. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. don't be worried. darling. -Me too. He's President. but that's just it. Mortimer. -Well. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. dear. of course. We don't want anything to go wrong. -Mine? You see. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. you tell him.-Spoon. you know? And bring along my bugle.

So brother married her.about three months afterwards. I really did see-- .. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.we didn't want to lose her. Your real father was a cook. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. They're off to a flying start.. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. -Goodbye. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. .. It's true. too. Quiet! -But. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it.. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine.

Call me a cab. dear.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Mortimer. its operators. Yes. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. But. Mr. We're going to Niagara Falls. I'm a son of a sea cook. love. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ .

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