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Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

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Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script
Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

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Published by: vanveen1967 on Sep 03, 2013
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  • Strike! You're out!
  • Elaine Harper
  • Thank you. Yours?
  • Mortimer Brewster
  • You don't understand. Come here
  • I'm Mortimer Brewster
  • Mortimer Brew--
  • Mr. Brewster!
  • It's old-fashioned. It's
  • Did George Washington ever sleep here?
  • Brophy. Is Lieutenant around?
  • We mustn't be angry with Mortimer
  • You know I'm not a swearing man
  • Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute
  • Now don't do that again. Do you hear me?
  • The Army and Navy are ready for action
  • What's this? The Oregon?
  • The stairs are always San Juan Hill
  • Splendid idea! A very pleasant place
  • That's bully! Just bully!
  • Abby! While I was out?
  • Wait a minute. And her brooch
  • He did? What did he say?
  • Please! For heaven's sake!
  • Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look
  • You'll see it often. It goes just before this
  • I can handle Father. He's a dear
  • Niagara Falls?
  • I wonder what Mary's doing now?
  • What? Now?
  • We're married. Elaine and I are married
  • Isn't it wonderful? They're married!
  • It's all ready. It's been ready since--
  • You mean Mind Over Matrimony?
  • Let's find them before Elaine sees them
  • Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me
  • He's a Mr. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins
  • He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice
  • Wait! Stop all this
  • ...because Reverend Harper was coming
  • Then I must be here
  • Twelve. Twelve!
  • Never mind about that. Just sit down
  • Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist
  • Old Judge Cullman!
  • I wonder if I got his number
  • What am I doing with tickets?
  • What's wrong? Look at your hair
  • What color is it? Has it turned?
  • Who? Judge Cullman?
  • But it's a matter of life and... Elaine!
  • How do you do? Come in
  • Are your family Brooklyn people?
  • I can see the headlines now. Please
  • Hello! Hell--
  • What I mean is
  • Mr. Witherspoon speaking
  • Bonaparte. And if--
  • Where's my hat? There it is
  • Stop that. What is it?
  • Mr. Hoskins' hat!
  • Wait a minute! What am I doing?
  • Shame! Such a nice hat
  • What were you saying about Mortimer?
  • Yes. The poor dears
  • Now I'm glad to escape back into it
  • Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha
  • It's Jonathan
  • Dr. Einstein is responsible for that
  • But I've seen that face before
  • ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated
  • Bless you. It's good to be home again
  • Forget Mr. Spenalzo
  • Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do
  • Poor Teddy
  • Only last week I created a mild sensation
  • Good! Then you'll live longer
  • I may be committing the wrong Brewster
  • I beg your pardon. Who are you?
  • I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed
  • We have no hotel. We came here directly
  • Come here. Quick
  • The Panama Canal
  • And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo
  • Mr. Hoskins!
  • I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins!
  • But you must be very tired. Both of you
  • -It's time I came home to take care of you
  • Now! Turn out the lights
  • Aunt Abby
  • Help me. He's so heavy
  • Now I have him. Now I got him
  • Now I've got him!
  • Aunt Abby!
  • Aunt Martha!
  • I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door
  • Why did you say your name was Harper?
  • It's all right. It's okay
  • May I present Dr. Einstein?
  • Dr. Einstein?
  • I see. Is that why you came over here?
  • Holy... What's that?
  • It is Jonathan!
  • How could I forget you?
  • Where'd you get that face? Hollywood?
  • Mr. Spenalzo
  • What's going to happen to Mr. Spenalzo?
  • Wait! Who's this Mr. Spenalzo?
  • A friend of ours Johnny was looking for
  • No! It was Jonathan!
  • Windowseat. Witherspoon
  • But didn't you hear what I was just saying?
  • What kind of a doctor? A family doctor?
  • Ye gods! There's another one!
  • Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!
  • We told you. Mr. Hoskins
  • It is not Mr. Hoskins!
  • A total stranger. How can I believe you?
  • No. Don't
  • Officer O'Hara!
  • You got company? Sorry I disturbed you
  • Now get going! All three of you
  • I never did like Mortimer
  • Of course. She was my mother
  • I thought I told you
  • Now what are you going to tell O'Hara?
  • How about the backroom at Kelly's?
  • You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's
  • Where are those papers? There they are
  • The moment I get Spenalzo
  • He must mean Mr. Hoskins
  • Mr. Hoskins?
  • Crowded? With what?
  • Three in Chicago and one in South Bend
  • All I need is one more
  • That's all. Just one more
  • And I've a pretty good idea who it is
  • What? Did I say
  • I'll bring Teddy out
  • It's Halloween
  • Certainly. Welcome to Washington
  • That's the way I love you
  • You see? Didn't I tell you?
  • Martha and I are going for the police
  • You know what Jonathan's doing?
  • No! I am tired
  • We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day
  • A secret proclamation? How unusual
  • So I have. Wait here
  • Johnny's in a bad mood. Get out!
  • And then things happen. Horrible things
  • Please. Only for dramatic critics
  • There's a man... Now listen to this
  • All right. Let's get it over with
  • But I cannot see this without the drink
  • We have to work fast. The quick way
  • Mayor Fiorello La Guardia!
  • The scene changes. It's an evolving stage
  • I better let them know that I found you
  • At the Brewster house
  • The Lieutenant is on his way over
  • So I've been turned in?
  • Now I'll do some turning in!
  • Don't! Sarge!
  • Fight. Go on and fight
  • I got something better. Let me tell you--
  • The papers are all signed. What do I care?
  • It did. Isn't that amazing?
  • Boris... Turn him over
  • Now go on. Report in
  • No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in
  • Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim?
  • Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight
  • He signed it Theodore Roosevelt!
  • Mr. Brewster?
  • Mr. Witherspoon is here
  • Take away the "B" and what have you got?
  • That's all right! Do that again for me
  • Never mind! Give me that pen
  • You will take good care of Teddy?
  • Something I've been working on
  • Captain! Captain!
  • Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa!
  • Bully! Bully!
  • And Happy Dale is full of staircases
  • How can you allow this? You promised
  • "There is a Happy"
  • He got it. It's amazing
  • Teddy committed himself. Couldn't they?
  • Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan?
  • Talks with a German accent
  • But Dr. Einstein!
  • You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale
  • You mean I'm not really a Brewster?
  • It's true! I saw them. It's true
  • It's true! There are 13 bodies down there!
  • But I saw them--

Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

You'd be surprised . Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't. Don't you call them "the girls. Remember now... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic. He's so very much in love with her. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room. . Reverend Harper..... watch your language.Their old man left them fixed for life.should take any man's daughter anyplace. at any time..because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater.. You know I'm not a swearing man.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week.but no man with this published attitude..." either. Brophy... I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer. I must be catching cold. and now. That's their way of digging up people to do good to. . It was Reverend Harper who sneezed.. .. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer..they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. . dear... No.. ... Bless you. Sister Martha and I are so happy. He used to come to see us only occasionally.

we came for the toys. Mr. Will you excuse me? No. You get tired of playing cards. You know the Reverend Dr. -How do you do. no. Harper from the church next door? Hello. Brophy. the new man on the beat. Teddy.what they'd consider swearing. At ease. absolutely nothing to report. No. we have nothing to report. They're all packed. The toys are on the chair up here. Gentlemen. -Come right in. by the library door. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. He's taking over my beat. Teddy. This is Officer O'Hara. How do you do. Splendid! Thank you. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. I'll go. what news have you brought me? Colonel. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. Thank you. sir? It's nice to meet you. This is Officer O'Hara. gentlemen. dear. That's splendid work you men do. Brophy? . run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. -Miss Abby.

Teddy..She's better... I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her.. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless.and the neighbors raised Cain. still. But a little weak. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are. That's right. Father. You've done so much already. There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was. Look. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. He's an interesting character. They're afraid of him. Sarge. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? .. I'll make a note. Gentlemen. Isn't it a shame. Please don't bother. Reverend.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. ..it's because I've known the Brewster sisters. But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies.. Isn't it a shame. . I promised I wouldn't swear.. thank you... Now don't do that again.

-Now. Be sure it's good and hot. It'll make a lot of kids happy. -The children will go crazy. Colonel. Martha. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. Here's the broth for Mrs. Colonel. He's taking over my duties. Brophy. Officer O'Hara. put it back.. Yes. Dismissed! . How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Teddy.. No. this is grand. You bet I will.Well. So long. and thank you very much. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. now. Miss Brewster. -Thank you. Thank you. how do you do? Miss Martha. Sarge. you're back. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. Hey. -Reverend. it goes to Australia. The Army and Navy are ready for action. -Don't mention it. dear. -Not at all. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. -These are lovely..

Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. That is quite a problem... Well. you're happy. if he's happy. Yes. let that be a lesson to you. and what's more important.. -Careful of the step with the toys. Young man.-Goodbye and thank you.. indeed. and we suggested it. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody... . -Good night. Martha? Once. . Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Well..it might be a change for him. -Don't mention it. I must be going. we thought if he'd be George Washington. Goodbye.. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.. a long time ago. Do you remember.

. too. -I'll run right downstairs and see. So.. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. sweet Reverend Harper. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine.. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. I didn't know when you'd be back. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal. I do believe he's beginning to see the light. -But all by yourself. dear.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on. I just couldn't wait for you. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. dear. why? Good news for you. There wasn't time. -I got along fine. Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. And I was all alone. -No. Dear. You know. Martha. Did you just have tea? Yes. . And dinner's going to be late. and Reverend Harper was coming.

. Hold on to that. darlings. -You ain't seen anything yet. Mortimer. right out here with everyone looking. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. Just throw it. you're going to love me .. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Please! For heaven's sake! But. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look. Mortimer. But. keep them. Here's your hat. I don't like that look in your eyes. If you find her hairpins. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. -But that was only Sunday. -This old cab has seen osculation but. There they are. right out here with everyone looking? Yes. -You've got to drive us to the station. -But.. -Take her hat. And her brooch. -It's Elaine! -Hello. Wait a minute. buddy.Well? Just look in the windowseat.

You'll run his cold into a pneumonia. hurry and pack. You should've seen my secretary's face. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your.... Go on.. the bridal suite in the hotel. We've a room on the train.. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there.for my mind. Yes. There's that look again! "There's that look again. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. No. . You know what we're doing? Wasting time. I started packing the day after I met you. That's what I hate about women. I can handle Father. you see! You see? That's what I mean. You'll see it often..and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. darling. . Mortimer! " You better get used to it. It goes just before this.. He's a dear. I don't have to. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. There. too? One thing at a time. Look. don't tell your father.

When you whistle. here. Grand Central Station. open the front door fast. If you see a tall. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. -Father may want to pray over me. What? Now? No. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. you two old frauds. -Whistle when you're ready. Hurry. Did you send those roses to Mrs. it's me. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. Brewster? Good. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. dark streak of light. Oh. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. hurry. Isn't it too. Hold on to your bustles. Elaine and I are married. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. And throw in a flock . -It'll be a few minutes. darling. We're married.

I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. And we'll invite a few neighbors in. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world.of orange blossoms. We're going to Niagara Falls. It's all ready. of course. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. -And. You know how your books upset him. except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. I'm going to burn all my books. a wedding cake. we can have our celebration. . too. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. But before you go. A taxi's waiting. Did everybody know I was getting married. dear. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'll run along and get everything ready. Oh. Well. Of course. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. -You won't have time to bake a cake.

I saw a play. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Really? A honey of a lunatic. Mr. He'd scare grownups with it. had a character in it. goodbye. Mortimer! -How are you. Goodbye. Oh. dear! . Isn't it wonderful? Well. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. My. thank you. Hello. President. reminded me of Jonathan. dear. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. "Oh. you know. what a face! I remember now. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out. Yes. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. I know.Now you behave. Just bully. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Mr. I'm off to Panama. A new lock for the canal. President? -Bully.

look. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. We know. The next thing-Hey. When Teddy's working on the canal. listen. -You know? -Of course. When the curtain goes up. but I've got an awful shock for you. . -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. darlings.Yeah. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. the first thing you see is a dead body. dear. Now. I'm frightfully sorry. -There's no such hurry as that. That's after we're gone. Yes. what a play. darling! Never mind that now. mister. At once! -He's in the cellar. dear. Get him up here now. Teddy's killed a man. you can't get his mind on anything else. Yes. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. darlings. Well.

He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. don't be so inquisitive. That's really all I know about him. He died first. except that he's a Methodist. Aunt Martha. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. dear. how did he die? Mortimer. What the. Adam Hoskins.. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.Now. When it's in tea. it has a distinct odor. Who is he? He's a Mr. You just forget about it. You put it in the wine? . The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. Wait! Stop all this.. Now look. You mean you. No. Mortimer.. Hoskins.. men just don't get into windowseats and die...

Hoskins in the windowseat. Schultz. Abby.. Yes.. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. darling. . You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well. Look at me. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . She's much better. Now. Mortimer.. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. tomorrow or next day.Yes. you know all about it and just forget about it. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. And I put Mr. The dears. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures.because Reverend Harper was coming. That wouldn't have been very nice. It's first-degree. not at tea. but this time we'll go where we want to go.. We must do that.

. We don't intend to. I know what his name is. -We'll let you lick the bowl. Teddy's down in the cellar now. here. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate. You're going to bury Mr. -We can't turn you over to the police. -But Mr. Hoskins. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. Mortimer. digging the lock. don't be so impatient.. Look. dear. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. you behave. That's what we did with the others. They have so much fun. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. dear. We told you to forget the whole thing. I want to know what we're going to do. You can't. Aunt Martha.Yes. Mr. it is. you can't leave him in there. Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. Whatever his name is. . dear. Now. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. dear. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. Mortimer.. -Stop worrying about it.

I get them mixed up sometimes. dear.. When you say "others. Abby usually is.. It does? Well. keep your shirt on! Elaine. because I remember when Mr." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. But. she's probably right. For heaven's sake. I think you're wrong.. I really don't think you should count the first one. dear. Let me see now. I was counting the first one. and that makes it 12. Abby. No.. . This is 1 1. Makes it 12.-Others? -The other gentlemen. isn't it. dear. This one is only 1 1 . Hoskins first came in. Abby.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. dear. I didn't mean-- . Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Hello. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. Abby. dear. This makes 12. Abby? No.

..Now... All his kith and kin were dead.and he sat there dead in that chair. let's see. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. He was such a lonely.... Abby thinks we should count the first one. Just sit down.... We felt so sorry for him.. Twelve! Yes. he dropped dead right in this chair? And then.looking so peaceful. Why.... you poor... Never mind about that... Teddy came up from digging in Panama. . when his heart attack came.to find that same peace. .. And then... Martha? We made up our minds. we all took him down to Panama. Where were we? Twelve. who was the first one? Mr. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim... You mean. So.. ....and he thought Mr. old gentleman. Tell me. . . Remember. dear. you see. then and there. Midgely. old men. .we would. He was a Baptist.that if we could help other lonely. ...

There..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial..... What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead. As a matter of fact... Should have quite a kick....in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. .. . -Mortimer. for a gallon of elderberry wine. darling. now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it.. .because we know exactly what's to be done... -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves... dear.l take one teaspoonful of arsenic. Wait a minute! Come here. just a pinch of cyanide.. Of course not! Well... . Well. No. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " .then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.... so. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli. dear. And then.

.. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this. a sip of. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page. darling.. Don't worry about the cake. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. We must get that cake frosted. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Let me see. Let me see. That'd be nice. I couldn't eat a thing. Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. digging locks. Happy as a lark.. Teddy! Of course. La Guardia. Winchell's no good. Everybody knows he's crazy. Winchell? No. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. He's wonderful. What am I doing with tickets? Information. Singing away.. Who can I call up? Dewey. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night..He did? Well.

What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. Brooklyn. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. What's wrong? Look at your hair. dark streak of light. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear. -Run on home. would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. please. Yeah. you! Thought you were tall. yes.on North Shore Road. I'll call you up tomorrow. Something's happened. . What'd you do. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. I heard you whistle. -How do I look? -You look fine.

get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. You better go home! -But. darling. Judge.. Judge. he's-It's his bugle blowing.If I could only tell you. about Teddy. Elaine. . It's about Teddy. A thing happened. I'll tell you why I called you. Judge. It's very.. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. You smell so nice. But it's a matter of life and.. I've got to come over and see you right away. We've got to do something immediately. The police want to throw him into a state institution. -Go to bed. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. very important. Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere. It won't wait until tomorrow. we were married today.

You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. Operator? Give me long distance. this would be a nice comfortable chair. And this is my sister. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. How do you do? Come in. I'm sorry. I understand you've got a room to rent. Do step in. -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Doorbell's ringing.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. dear. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. -Well. Now. do sit down. It's a wonderful place. -My name's Gibbs. Don't like it. -All alone in the world? . we can get him to Happy Dale. I'm Miss Brewster. please. Happy Dale. we're just setting the table for dinner. Another Miss Brewster. New York.

It's elderberry wine. The room's upstairs. "D" Iike in "dig.. -Thank you. "A" Iike in "arsenic. Well.-Well." when you dig a lock. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. Well." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us. -Do sit down. I can see the headlines now. I don't think I'll like it. but the cemetery's full of them. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. Martha.. Happy Dale. skoal. Well. we make this ourselves. That's right. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. I'd like to see the room. . -Dale. you've come to just the right house. Please.. -No. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it.

murdered. Not that. He wouldn't understand. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look.. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. . This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? .. Don't do that. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned.. Oh. I'm not drunk.. People wouldn't understand. What I mean is.. madam.but it's not only against the law. I'm nervous.. but you've given me an idea! Darling.Hello. it's wrong.. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.

we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. Well. if your mind is made up. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. And if-Oh.. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr.That's amazing. Thank you. Well. Mr. Witherspoon speaking. Thank you. if he thought that-Mr. Witherspoon. Brewster? How are you? Mr. I see.What? All right. dear.-. dear.. do you-I'm fine.. Well. That's too bad. Oh. Mr. .and it would lead to trouble. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. please. Mr. operator.. thanks. Yes. we want to commit him there immediately. Bonaparte. Of course. Witherspoon. now. Brewster. Oh. Mr. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. How do you do. . Witherspoon.

I'll sing with you.. like good girls. I mean. you'll do that little thing for me. but I want you to promise me something. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes. Anyway. I can't talk to you. Oh. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. Get off that thing. I'm going to Judge Cullman's. we'd have to know what it was first. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. You know I'd do anything for you. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. . -But. I can't concentrate. don't you? Yes. I want you to do one thing for me. dear.Another Roosevelt.. What on earth could happen to us? Well. Whosit where he is. darling... Now listen. Mortimer.. darling. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is.. dear. Well. I love you both very much.

What is it? Mr. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. You promise? Good. don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. You know. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. The poor dears.I'll dance with you. I'm so happy for Elaine. Remember. Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. I can go faster that way. Yes. -Don't open it. Sure. I'll sit with you! Yeah. cab! Here you are. well. anything. What? Stop that. Why? He's just been married. Shame! Such a nice hat. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. that's right. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset. . Oh.

There's one up in my room. As a boy. I'll go. Johnny. Yes. I'm so hungry. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. Drink. it's a good hideout. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. dear. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. -Let me look. . Come in. Johnny. and I've never seen them before. A fatted calf?. they're strangers to me. -Are you sure? -Yes. Look. -Do you recognize them? -No. Johnny. This is the home of my youth. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. -You look. doctor. The family must still live here. It's two men. we'll need another hymnal. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. As if we were expected.

. Jonathan. you know. Aunt Martha.. You just get out of here. He's a plastic surgeon... Dr. .that Grandma Brewster bought in England. . Why. Einstein is responsible for that. Aunt Martha. But I've seen that face before. . And you.A good omen. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. still the high collar. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring.. You're nothing like Jonathan. his voice is like Jonathan's.. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. It's Jonathan. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan. you're not... No. Your nephew. Have you been in an accident? My face... so don't pretend you are.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

That's hospitality. . -Down here. Spenalzo along. See the hole he's digging. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.. we can't just walk Mr. I don't have to go into details. Bed. six feet long.. He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr. Rather a good joke on my aunts. We expect to be very busy. Come here. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Spenalzo. as a boy.You remember that. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar.. How do we get him in here? Yes.. Four feet wide. . We'll get the car and after they're in bed. Spenalzo in through the door. Quick.. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. I could be disagreeable. we'll bring him in through the window...Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. And it just fits Mr. I forgot to tell you.

Hoskins downstairs right away. Hoskins? Mr. The car is all right where it is until morning. General Goethals was very pleased.We're moving the car behind the house. You'd better get to bed. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. What are we going to do about Mr. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another. Promise? You have the word of the President . No. there's been another yellow-fever victim. a state secret. He said the canal was just the right size. Teddy. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. I think Teddy had better take Mr. That might be against the law. I don't want to leave it in the street. the poor dear. we must keep it a secret. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. And he's been so patient. A state secret? Yes.

let's see.you come up and take the poor man down to the canal. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. And we'll come down later and hold services. How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy..of the United States. We're bringing the luggage through here. Now. he's really very nice looking. And then. You just come right along and see him now. . . Your room is waiting for you. Cross my heart and hope to die. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. . You two run along to bed. You know. I've never even seen Mr.when I turn out the lights. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar.. We've never had yellow fever there before. considering that he's a Methodist... you were out. Both of you. But you must be very tired.. It seems to be spreading.. -And we don't go to bed this early. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. Now get along. when everything's dark here.. You can go right up..

Johnny. Just off the laboratory. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. Now! Turn out the lights. Take the bags upstairs. But he's too heavy for me. And then together we take him down to Panama. Aunt Abby. you open the window. Run along. When I tap on the glass. we'll all go to bed. For the instruments. Where am l? Here I am. . and I'll stay here and pull. All right. It's dark in here. Good night. Now. We must be quick. You go round and hand him through. You go outside and push. He's all right. I'll come back later. I'll open the window. I'll take a look around outside the house. Aunt Abby. -I'll be right up.-It's time I came home to take care of you. -All right. Aunt Martha. Doctor. Yeah.

I mean. Now I got him. Allez. I'm not very used to it. quick. wait a minute. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband. it's Brewster. I live next door. You lost a leg somewhere. wait a minute. Now I have him. Help me. Now I have him.Who left this open? Okay. Now I've got him! Johnny. Doctor! . quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. Hand him over. up! Now. I'll manage Spenalzo. He's so heavy. -Be careful. Go open. He's so heavy. Help me. -But his shoe came off. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. Go. I'm a brand-new Brewster. somebody's at the door. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. Mortimer.

. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. I've never seen you before. I'm in this house every day. they talk about you. And something of a magician.. that's all.It's all right.. Einstein? Dr.. You don't live here.l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door." Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. -You've heard of me? -Yes. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan.. We happen to live here. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. It's okay. Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. That explains everything. Now that I know who you are. May I present Dr. "That explains everything. -You're Jonathan. .

No! Don't be a tomboy. a sneak thief. that's all! I see. the cellar. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. I came to see Mortimer. It's going to be a private funeral. I'll run--You've given two names. -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. -What else did you see? -Just that. No visitors. Charge! Doctor. . Alice. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. Is that why you came over here? No. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. Don't play rough with the gentlemen.I suppose it was you. Go back to your room. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes. But if he's not home.

What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy. -I'll handle this.. Mortimer. . it talks! Yes. Mortimer. -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. -What? I've come back home. Einstein. darling. Jonathan! -I've come back home. I talk. -Mortimer. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Mortimer.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. he--Wait a minute.. Mortimer.. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you.. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now... Do you hear me? Don't answer that.-We'll call the police. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember.. Go back to your room." Listen. Mortimer. . "I've come back home.

We invited Jonathan and Dr. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Now look.. We don't take up much room. be a good fellow. I'm staying here from now on. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. I remember.Yeah. -What? -Just for tonight. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.. Please. Einstein to stay. I'm staying here tonight. -In fact. Now. Here's $10. Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat. Nothing to. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel. No. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. just a moment.. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away. . Johnny can sleep on the sofa.

Johnny. Don't bring anyone else in here. Now. What? What's going to happen to Mr.Mortimer. you know what I do to people who order me around. I've completely lost track of Mr. Elaine. Mortimer. Mr. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. in just a little while. -Oh. that. Doctor. beat it! It's all right. -Killed? Aunt Abby. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. darling? -I almost got killed. I'll tell you about him. Wait! Who's this Mr. . Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Spenalzo. I'll take care of you. While we are packing. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. Spenalzo.

Mr. look. Forget it. . We were married today. Witherspoon. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0. He's some kind of a maniac... Yes. Darling. Brewster.and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. Well. I don't understand you. I'm afraid of him. ..your brother tries to strangle me.. I'm here now. But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan.. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr.. I got things to do.. don't worry about it. a taxi's waiting. -What? Go on home like a good girl. . Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. -But--Please. -You'd better run along home. we were going over Niagara Falls. I can't hear the man.. Well. please.-It was worse than that.

... and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures. Teddy. . windowseat. I know it's late. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. darling.put them in a barrel.. wedding ring. taxi. signature. Thank you. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. Let me think about this thing.I've got the papers all drawn up. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon. of course? By the doctor? Oh.. By the way. well.. Yeah.. I'll get both signatures. come right away. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Doctor. darling.

This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. Yes. Mr. Hoskins. I did. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in.No. where is Mr. he's mistaken. Hoskins! -By the way. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. You admitted you put Mr. . Hoskins in the windowseat. dear. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. you come in here now! Yes. It is not Mr.

We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. dear. I've decided that we're staying. No. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. and I mean now. Oh. Don't.. We haven't had a minute. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. And I've also decided that you're leaving.. what with Jonathan in the house. handsome. poor dear. I did. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Are you getting out. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Martha. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. Mortimer. Listen.. you come straight along here.He's down there waiting for the services. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. .

-Yes. you're a Brewster. -Glad to see you. Officer. Jonathan. Well? All right. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. in that case. -And this is another nephew. Listen. Mortimer. Remember. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. I'll have to call the police. Einstein and that cold companion with him. And he's taking Dr. darling. what happened to Mr. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. too. I owe you an apology.Aunt Abby.. Jonathan is leaving. . You're my brother. This is our nephew. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. Put down that telephone. -No! Come in.. Come right in. I've got some very good news for you. -Pleased to meet you. You can't ask for more than that. Spenalzo can happen to you. do come in.. Don't reach for the telephone.

I got to ring in. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. -I'll be running along. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. All three of you: you. If you don't leave here.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. but I can't spell them. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen. You can tell me all about it. Officer O'Hara. This is your last chance. well. I'm working on a play now. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. Einstein and Spenalzo. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Dr. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I can spell like the dickens. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. Spenalzo. . Mr. You are? Well.Your face is familiar.

Look. Come. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . No. let's go. We're sleeping right here in this house. we're coming back here. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Please! Doctor. O'Hara. We've got a wonderful setup here. I never did like Mortimer. After that. We can make a fortune. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Right with you. Only Mortimer stands in our way.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. Johnny. Okay. Johnny. Just give me one moment. We're not going. you lose your head. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Please. please. Two old ladies as a front. no. But we've got trouble enough as it is. Now get going! All three of you. take it easy.

What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it. She was my mother. It's no fly-by-night idea. -Peaches La Tour was her name... I worked on it for 12 years. you asked for it. Well. -I like the first act. Well. -Legitimate? Of course. Yes. -My mother was an actress. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. -Swell. Mortimer. Move fast. I'll be back in a minute. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. If you tell O'Hara . All right. -You're not going? -No.. -I don't know. rehash it. We're not going. -Excuse me.in the cellar. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. we got an ace in the hole. You stay out of this. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you.

. Genius at work. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. I assure you. You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's. Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. Bohemian atmosphere. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead... I'll meet you there later.. You'd better ring in. This opening will kill you. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas. . Lowbrows. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place.what's in the windowseat.l'll tell him what's in the cellar.

Well. That was just Mortimer. Jonathan. dear aunties.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No... Perish the thought.Look. Did he look guilty! Well. The moment the doctor signs. Yes. I think we can start the services now.... Martha. -I'll see you down there. And speaking of services. . You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. You won't stand me up. When I come back. You've got to take him with you! . Wait for me! We'll wait for him.. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. -Can't wait! Doctor. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. will you? This is a great play. Where do you.. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. I expect to find you gone. Where are those papers? There they are. you ring in and I'll see you later. We thought we heard you leave. I don't care who knows about Hoskins. You're smug... You haven't.. And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. doctor.

Mr. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. They're both dead. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Doctor. Spenalzo. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do. The cellar's crowded already. there's no room for Mr. He must mean Mr. Hoskins is no stranger. . Mr. -He's one of our gentlemen. It's one of our charities. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. what we've been doing is a mercy. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Besides. Twelve graves. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. -But Mr. Hoskins. Why. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. Hoskins--Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. You mean. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it.

one in Sydney.two in San Francisco. You cannot count him. Phoenix? -The filling station. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. 12. Don't brag.. .. You got 12. There's Mr... -Filling. they got 12. You cannot count the one in South Bend. Arizona...So you just take your Mr. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. Spenalzo out of here. Spenalzo. Then the first one in London. -No. one in Phoenix. one in Melbourne. I've got 13. . That makes 13..and they stay right here in Brooklyn. .. He died of pneumonia.. . they got 12. You've done all that..... Two in Johannesburg. -Thirteen. Johnny. and they do just as good as you do. What? You got 12. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world...

I'll be right back.l'm sure you'd be convinced. -You better wait. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies.The old ladies is just as good as you are. Gilchrist. -Who? What? Did I say. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home.. I know Teddy blows bugles. This is most irregular... If you'd talk with him. All I need is one more. . The pixies won't be out till after midnight. -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. seeing a doctor... but only you can help me. Make yourself comfortable. that's easily taken care of. Just one more. are they? Well.. Pull up a tombstone.. Dr. That's all. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. They are. -You wait here. but I can't commit a man just on that. .

50. the meter! "Looks good on me. that's that. Welcome to Washington. indeed. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. Certainly.50! Oh. . Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling.-Hey. -Do you? -Yes. looks good on you! Not the suit.50! -What? $22. yes. Five more bucks and you'll own it. with a Maxim silencer. of course I love you. Well now. It wouldn't fit me. is it not? Yes. so good. thanks. darling. $22. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. It gives me a chance to rest. So far. Not so good. may I present--Dr. President. -Mr." $22. Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. No.

I probably should have told you this before. It's way back before Teddy. that's ancient history. I can't go through with our marriage. but I won't be elected. I'll run for a third term. Just because Teddy's strange. . I don't quite know. -What are you talking about? -Well. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.. -Of course. -That's what you think. . Doctor. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House.. I love you so much... Darling. Darling. that doesn't mean-No. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. but you see.. but it's only a matter of time.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling.. if the country insists. It practically gallops. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower.well.. insanity runs in my family. darling. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.

Thank you. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. all this doesn't prove a thing. go to bed! . It'll just have to be undone. What of it? So your family's crazy. Just go on signing the papers. you better stop it.. Ambassador.. Goodbye. That's the way I love you. Well. aren't they? They're the sweetest. Look at your aunts. sanest people I've ever known. There's no use doing what you're doing. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. They're Brewsters. Aunt Abby. Anytime you're in Washington. So you're crazy. -Those papers.Darling. -Go away. no. No. I'm crazy too. I. even they have their peculiarities. but kiss me. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you.. drop in to see me at the White House. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place.

I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. . Nice and smooth like a lake. You know.. Bed feels good already.we're going for the police. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. Martha and I are going for the police.. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. You're forgetting. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal. This is all fixed up nice now. If Jonathan and Mr. -Oh.. Spenalzo in together. . I'll get them out. let him. Hoskins and Mr. Doctor. All right.

Doctor. perhaps. No! I am tired. Mortimer.-Remember. Doctor. the Melbourne method. huh? The quick twist like in London. You forget. Not the Melbourne method. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. Doctor. My brother. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. Okay. Or the next day. But the quick way. what? . not tonight! I'm sleepy. But Johnny. I just heard him upstairs. I know that look. no police! No police! Look. You can see that it's got to be done. We'll do it tomorrow. I think. go to bed. we'll do it. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. can't you? Yeah. Johnny. You are going to operate tomorrow. Look at me. No. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. I think this calls for something special. Okay.

You already have them on. Brewster. Mr. will you. President. President. please? -What? Speak up. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. Mr. Mr. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Get out! -Stop underplaying.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. Mr. I see! Very clever. Johnny's in a bad mood. Don't do that. Oh. This must be secret. Mr. So I have. -I'll put on my signing clothes. -Of course. I can't hear you. Yes. What a load off my mind. I can't hear you. Get out. What is it. President. -Please listen to me. mice? -You get out of this house. Hey. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. President. Wait here. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. . A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. Boy. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you.

. -That's mine. when Johnny's in that mood. 1919. -I could use that. please. Please go now. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. Please. Please listen to me. Horrible things. Brewster. Doc-. but you go now. You beat it before things start popping around here. Mr. Only for dramatic critics.. . Get going. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. He's a maniac! And then things happen. -My schnapps.. Don't those plays you see all the time .he's a madman. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. Heidelberg. You've just been married. -What's that? Wait. I'll take care of him. But.. You take care of yourself.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. look. Stop it. little fellow. Please.Are you really a doctor? Yes. You have a nice little wife waiting for you.

he doesn't. He's even been warned to get out. There's a play that's so bad. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. When you get out of prison. Witherspoon. And does he go? No. At least people in plays act like they got sense.. Now listen to this.teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. There's a man. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord.. . have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. The murderer even invites him to sit down. Isn't that great? So there he is. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged.. it'll still be running when you get out. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. -What do you think he does? -I don't know.

. brother Heidelberg. But what does he do? The big chump sits there..Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No.. Yes. I've been away for 20 years.. . my dear brother. you may consider that a blessing... . but does he? No! See. I dreamt of you.. Look at the attitude. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. The big dope! You were right about that fellow. were you out of my mind. This fellow's supposed to be bright. In Melbourne one night. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. All he has to do is look around. Now get a load of this. Please. Johnny.. in a play or even in a movie. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself.we go to work. Now.a fellow never sees or hears anything. He wasn't very bright. Mortimer. That's right. Later on. But never. Doctor. for me. the quick way..

-Please. I'll split it with you. But I can't pull myself together without a drink. But I cannot see this without the drink. Please! All right. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Where are your manners? Yes. Here. You remember when we came in. After all. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Where did they put it? I found some wine. One moment. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. And then they took it. That's all. Mortimer. Let's get it over with. We drink to you.-This must be an artistic achievement. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. there was some wine. Pull yourself together. We both have a drink before we operate. That idiot! -He goes next. please. dead brother. To my dear.

. It's all right. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. I'll help you. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.. -What happened to him? -Nothing.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. out of a clear sky. Yeah. Like a flash. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn. yes! If it has to be. In the second act. sure. I see. The quick way. . You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up. then the quick way.. They practically stole that from my play. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's..-We'll get to him later. We're taking the bugle away from him. The quick way. I'd better talk to him myself. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody..

My mother doesn't say they're married. please. a fire breaks out. I'm walking along my beat. Well. in the meantime... "Miss Peaches La Tour.. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass. -What? -I personally like it very much.but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. It's getting you. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. see? Little do I know it. Growing into a magnificent specimen. -It's probably over his head. You ain't heard nothing yet.. The scene changes. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. . All of a sudden. I'm in great danger.He says. It's an evolving stage. casual-like. there's me.. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. ..

Brophy. we came to warn the old ladies.. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. Brewster's brother. this is Mortimer Brewster. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. boys. Now. Get me Mac.. -I heard him.. My play put him to sleep. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. . The Lieutenant's on the warpath. -Johnny. That's the one that ran away. who the heck is this? Mr. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. The neighbors are phoning in.. -There's a vacant house on the corner.. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. so I pulls out my gun.when a guy that I'm following.. He says we've got to put him away someplace.. Did they send you here? No. -The colonel blew that bugle again. So he came back. -He's going to help me write my play. Right in the middle of the second act. . I figures I'll outsmart him.

We found him. Leave him to me. You think my aunts are sweet. Yes. don't you? Well. Thirteen bodies. I better let them know that I found you. Brewster. -Come down to the cellar. It wasn't that bad. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. . Your aunts are friends of ours. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. you've got me. charming old ladies. -Wait a minute. we'll hold him right here. The Lieutenant is on his way over. -I'll show them to you. At the Brewster house. Mr.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. Shall we bring him in? All right. Be careful what you say. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. 13. Brewster. Mr. So I've been turned in? All right. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt.

. I got him. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. please. I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Such a fine day. come to the cellar. You could use this in the third act. that's enough. look. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. That's enough. Amazing.I'll show you where they're buried. look out! Amazing. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. Go on and fight. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. too. Pat. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Don't bother me now. I got something better. Pat. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. -Yes. Well. Everybody off. He looks like Boris Karloff. Look out! Fight. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. -Go on down the cellar with him. -Go to the cellar with him.

Telephone.. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. . -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff. fight. Get him. I've tried it before-It did. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Boris. Pat. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. That won't have any effect.The papers are all signed. What do I care? Go ahead. I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. That's fine.. -Witherspoon. Thank you very much. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well. brother.. please. -Come in. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense. Turn him over. dear. Don't do that. Isn't that amazing? Oh. Wish I could relax like that. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle.

Thirteen bodies in the cellar.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up... The guy who helped him escape. pal. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane. Now go on. That's my brother. That's the way they described him...and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. .. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. . Certainly. You're going to have a long time on that play. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster.. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me. You're suspended. "He looked like Karloff.you can at least read short detective stories. he's wanted. Report in. He says 13 bodies are there.. He's wanted. too. About my not ringing in. He's a lifer. ..

Here. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. With flatheads like you on the force. No sleep. I want to question him. Take him out and bring him to. No. Colonel. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. keep out of that. . Get this gu y out of here. Howdy. you. We caught him at the White House. Nothing to eat. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. -Questioning of spies is my department. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. -Hey. Colonel. Colonel. But I'm not myself today. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. This is a spy. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. you've blown your last bugle.

I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. Look. -I'm waiting for Mr. Any offers? I'm Mr. take it easy. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle.You're his brother. started a murder rumor. Captain. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. No arguments. I know just how you feel. Read this. There's people dumb enough to believe that. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good. I'm liable to think anything. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. Witherspoon. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. no argument. No arguments. I have come to get a Brewster. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Last year there was a crazy guy. Just a minute. . He's got to be put away. -As long as he's going someplace. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute.

Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. -Hold him till I get there. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him. -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. Never mind! Give me that pen. He's ready to talk. -That's fine. it's chicanery.Mr. Let me explain. all I got to get is Witherspoon. . -What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. That's all right! Do that again for me. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. I'm so glad to see you. Now. This is fun." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. Brewster? Mr. Witherspoon is here.

You know. I have one waiting now. You do? It must be a nice place. Something I've been working on. I've never been there. I sometimes envy some of our patients. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. this is Mr.. Taxicabs.And no wagon when he leaves. Why? To take him away? Never. you know-Captain. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. It means a great deal to me. . I shan't mind. it's a play. We always. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do. You never can tell. -That's good. Witherspoon. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight.. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. -The woods are full of them. never.. secretly.

Goodbye. I'm on my way to Africa. Mr. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well. you got it wrong. your guide to Africa.-Come. President? Taft! No. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Happy man. this isn't Mr. my boy. all signed. -Is this March 4? -Practically. I must get started immediately.. Let's see. Taft. This is Captain Rooney. Aunt Abby. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. -What is this? No. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . I have good news for you.. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. Mr. Now you can take him away. I'll bring down my equipment. Your term of office is over. Aunt Martha. President.. It's Mr. Witherspoon. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who.

Oh. haven't you? No. he's come to take him. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. Too dangerous. dear. he can't go now! We won't permit it. too! -Yes. You've come to meet Teddy. Now. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. jealousy. Dissension. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. -I'm sorry. you'll have to take us with him. -We won't be separated from Teddy. Why not? Why not. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. . ladies. How can you allow this? You promised. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. -If he's going. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. we're going. but impossible. let's be sensible. No. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. indeed? It's sweet of them.It's all right. We promise to take his bugle away from him. I've got it. You could arrange that.

.. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.and we'll get them all together.. You just ask our nephew.. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. .It ain't only his bugle blowing. you wouldn't have to dig. He's been a little strange all day. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore. You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. -I'll look in that cellar. -How about it? -I'll be right there. No. Things are going to get worse. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar.. -I'll tell you what we'll do. Mortimer. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. The graves are all marked. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer. What? Yes. There are 13 bodies in our cellar.

Hasn't got it yet.-We put flowers on them every Sunday. If we can go with Teddy. Spenalzo.. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. Where are they? . I put neon lights on mine. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. -You mustn't mind him at all..who doesn't belong here and has to leave. -Certainly. we'll sign the papers. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers. Humor them. There's one down there. far away "There is a Happy" He got it. "There is a Happy Dale far. It's amazing. -He got married today. Smile. . None of mine are gentlemen. humor them. a Mr. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed.. -Flowers? Sure. Teddy committed himself..

I have them. Einstein. dear. please. -Come here. Yes. Doctor. Maybe I can understand him. I'm going out to talk to that spy. Oh. Doctor? -Yes. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Sign them up. here. Now. please. please. -A doctor? -Yes. Ladies. We've overlooked something. -Were you leaving. ladies. Thirteen bodies in the cellar. I'm so sorry. Come along. will you? I want this all cleaned up. . Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. The neighborhood here has changed so. I'm really looking forward to going. It's on the right-hand side there. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. -Good night. A doctor. right here. Dr. Dr. Doctor. Dr. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. if you'll sign right here. Just sign right here. please. -Here? -Yes.

Doc. One hundred and forty pounds. Poses as a doctor. Thanks. Okay. Talks with a German accent. Mr. Read it to me. Five-foot-three.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. You sign as next of kin. His accomplice's description is on the circular. Witherport. Pop eyes. -Don't play games--You sign. You've done Brooklyn a great service. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. yes. I'm Brewster. It's contagious. The doctor has completed the signatures. . Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. That's great! Thanks. It's all right. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. will you? About 40. Einstein! -Now. It's your turn. Mac. Mac. Mr. Don't mind me. But Dr. on the desk. Hello.

darling? -Martha. darling. Mortimer. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Einstein--But it's not his signature. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. you signed as next of kin. -Me too. -Here. don't be worried.-Spoon. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. but that's just it. dear. Duffel? Pack his duffel. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. Well. -What. He's President. -Mine? You see. -Well. dear. you know? And bring along my bugle. you tell him. And you were born . of course. We don't want anything to go wrong. darling. Come up and pack my duffel. President. Now. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. We're very happy about the whole thing. -What's wrong about that. -It's yours.

..about three months afterwards. It's true.. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. Your real father was a cook. He was a chef on a tramp steamer.. . I really did see-- . Quiet! -But. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye. -Goodbye.we didn't want to lose her. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. They're off to a flying start. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook. So brother married her. too.

You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. Mr. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. its operators. Yes. I'm a son of a sea cook. I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. dear. love. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . But. Call me a cab. Mortimer. We're going to Niagara Falls.

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