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Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

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Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script
Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script

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Published by: vanveen1967 on Sep 03, 2013
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  • Strike! You're out!
  • Elaine Harper
  • Thank you. Yours?
  • Mortimer Brewster
  • You don't understand. Come here
  • I'm Mortimer Brewster
  • Mortimer Brew--
  • Mr. Brewster!
  • It's old-fashioned. It's
  • Did George Washington ever sleep here?
  • Brophy. Is Lieutenant around?
  • We mustn't be angry with Mortimer
  • You know I'm not a swearing man
  • Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute
  • Now don't do that again. Do you hear me?
  • The Army and Navy are ready for action
  • What's this? The Oregon?
  • The stairs are always San Juan Hill
  • Splendid idea! A very pleasant place
  • That's bully! Just bully!
  • Abby! While I was out?
  • Wait a minute. And her brooch
  • He did? What did he say?
  • Please! For heaven's sake!
  • Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look
  • You'll see it often. It goes just before this
  • I can handle Father. He's a dear
  • Niagara Falls?
  • I wonder what Mary's doing now?
  • What? Now?
  • We're married. Elaine and I are married
  • Isn't it wonderful? They're married!
  • It's all ready. It's been ready since--
  • You mean Mind Over Matrimony?
  • Let's find them before Elaine sees them
  • Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me
  • He's a Mr. Hoskins. Adam Hoskins
  • He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice
  • Wait! Stop all this
  • ...because Reverend Harper was coming
  • Then I must be here
  • Twelve. Twelve!
  • Never mind about that. Just sit down
  • Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist
  • Old Judge Cullman!
  • I wonder if I got his number
  • What am I doing with tickets?
  • What's wrong? Look at your hair
  • What color is it? Has it turned?
  • Who? Judge Cullman?
  • But it's a matter of life and... Elaine!
  • How do you do? Come in
  • Are your family Brooklyn people?
  • I can see the headlines now. Please
  • Hello! Hell--
  • What I mean is
  • Mr. Witherspoon speaking
  • Bonaparte. And if--
  • Where's my hat? There it is
  • Stop that. What is it?
  • Mr. Hoskins' hat!
  • Wait a minute! What am I doing?
  • Shame! Such a nice hat
  • What were you saying about Mortimer?
  • Yes. The poor dears
  • Now I'm glad to escape back into it
  • Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha
  • It's Jonathan
  • Dr. Einstein is responsible for that
  • But I've seen that face before
  • ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated
  • Bless you. It's good to be home again
  • Forget Mr. Spenalzo
  • Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do
  • Poor Teddy
  • Only last week I created a mild sensation
  • Good! Then you'll live longer
  • I may be committing the wrong Brewster
  • I beg your pardon. Who are you?
  • I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed
  • We have no hotel. We came here directly
  • Come here. Quick
  • The Panama Canal
  • And it just fits Mr. Spenalzo
  • Mr. Hoskins!
  • I've never even seen Mr. Hoskins!
  • But you must be very tired. Both of you
  • -It's time I came home to take care of you
  • Now! Turn out the lights
  • Aunt Abby
  • Help me. He's so heavy
  • Now I have him. Now I got him
  • Now I've got him!
  • Aunt Abby!
  • Aunt Martha!
  • I'm Elaine Harper. I live next door
  • Why did you say your name was Harper?
  • It's all right. It's okay
  • May I present Dr. Einstein?
  • Dr. Einstein?
  • I see. Is that why you came over here?
  • Holy... What's that?
  • It is Jonathan!
  • How could I forget you?
  • Where'd you get that face? Hollywood?
  • Mr. Spenalzo
  • What's going to happen to Mr. Spenalzo?
  • Wait! Who's this Mr. Spenalzo?
  • A friend of ours Johnny was looking for
  • No! It was Jonathan!
  • Windowseat. Witherspoon
  • But didn't you hear what I was just saying?
  • What kind of a doctor? A family doctor?
  • Ye gods! There's another one!
  • Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha!
  • We told you. Mr. Hoskins
  • It is not Mr. Hoskins!
  • A total stranger. How can I believe you?
  • No. Don't
  • Officer O'Hara!
  • You got company? Sorry I disturbed you
  • Now get going! All three of you
  • I never did like Mortimer
  • Of course. She was my mother
  • I thought I told you
  • Now what are you going to tell O'Hara?
  • How about the backroom at Kelly's?
  • You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's
  • Where are those papers? There they are
  • The moment I get Spenalzo
  • He must mean Mr. Hoskins
  • Mr. Hoskins?
  • Crowded? With what?
  • Three in Chicago and one in South Bend
  • All I need is one more
  • That's all. Just one more
  • And I've a pretty good idea who it is
  • What? Did I say
  • I'll bring Teddy out
  • It's Halloween
  • Certainly. Welcome to Washington
  • That's the way I love you
  • You see? Didn't I tell you?
  • Martha and I are going for the police
  • You know what Jonathan's doing?
  • No! I am tired
  • We'll do it tomorrow. Or the next day
  • A secret proclamation? How unusual
  • So I have. Wait here
  • Johnny's in a bad mood. Get out!
  • And then things happen. Horrible things
  • Please. Only for dramatic critics
  • There's a man... Now listen to this
  • All right. Let's get it over with
  • But I cannot see this without the drink
  • We have to work fast. The quick way
  • Mayor Fiorello La Guardia!
  • The scene changes. It's an evolving stage
  • I better let them know that I found you
  • At the Brewster house
  • The Lieutenant is on his way over
  • So I've been turned in?
  • Now I'll do some turning in!
  • Don't! Sarge!
  • Fight. Go on and fight
  • I got something better. Let me tell you--
  • The papers are all signed. What do I care?
  • It did. Isn't that amazing?
  • Boris... Turn him over
  • Now go on. Report in
  • No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in
  • Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim?
  • Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight
  • He signed it Theodore Roosevelt!
  • Mr. Brewster?
  • Mr. Witherspoon is here
  • Take away the "B" and what have you got?
  • That's all right! Do that again for me
  • Never mind! Give me that pen
  • You will take good care of Teddy?
  • Something I've been working on
  • Captain! Captain!
  • Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa!
  • Bully! Bully!
  • And Happy Dale is full of staircases
  • How can you allow this? You promised
  • "There is a Happy"
  • He got it. It's amazing
  • Teddy committed himself. Couldn't they?
  • Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan?
  • Talks with a German accent
  • But Dr. Einstein!
  • You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale
  • You mean I'm not really a Brewster?
  • It's true! I saw them. It's true
  • It's true! There are 13 bodies down there!
  • But I saw them--

Arsenic and Old Lace 1944 Movie Script I'll knock your block off, you big stiff!

You're a bum! Strike! You're out! Elmer, here it is. -I knew you'd find it. -Boy, I could sure use a drink. I wonder if any big shots are getting married today? Looks like the same suckers get married every day. Come on. Hey, the guy with the cheaters. Now what's he hiding from? -Hey, isn't that Mortimer Brewster? -Mortimer Brewster, the dramatic critic? No, it's not him. But what a scoop it'd be! The guy who wrote The Bachelor's Bible getting hooked. It's too good to be true. Let's snap the mayor in his new fire helmet and go. Let's stick around, see who the guy is. "Two by two they come and go" Good morning, children. Your name, please? -Elaine Harper. -Speak a little louder. Elaine Harper. Thank you. Yours? -Mortimer Brewster. -How's that?

Mortimer Brewster. Speak up, sonny. There's nothing to be afraid of. I want to keep this undercover. Love her? Of course you love her. You're marrying her, right? You don't understand. Come here. I don't want this to get out for a while. I'm Mortimer Brewster. You're who? Mortimer Brew-That's him! Mr. Brewster! Now, look-Goodbye, dear. Don't you understand? How can I marry you? Me, the symbol of bachelorhood. I've sneered at every love scene. I've written four million words against marriage! Not only hooked, but to a minister's daughter, and a girl from Brooklyn. Look at the way you look! What is that contraption you've got there? A pin I borrowed from your aunts. You know, "Something borrowed--" I know, "Something borrowed, something blue." Old, new. Rice and old shoes.

Carry you over the threshold. Niagara Falls. All that silly tripe. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you. That's that. -Yes, Mortimer. -What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? -No, Mortimer. -And don't "No, Mortimer" me, either! Marriage is a superstition. It's old-fashioned. It's.... O'Hara, don't be a jerk. You don't realize... ...l'm turning over to you the nicest, best beat in Brooklyn. Now look at that old church. And them old houses. Did George Washington ever sleep here? Of course he did. This whole neighborhood just stinks with atmosphere. -And look at that old house. -The original owners still there? Don't crack wise about the Brewster sisters. They're two of the dearest, sweetest old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves. Pressed rose leaves? The old girls must be kind of hard up.

Reverend Harper. It was Reverend Harper who sneezed. . I must be catching cold... ... He's so very much in love with her. . That's their way of digging up people to do good to..but no man with this published attitude.... It's not that I disapprove of his being a critic.they wouldn't go away without a good meal and a couple of bucks. watch your language... You'd be surprised ....because he's a dramatic critic and takes your daughter to the theater. He used to come to see us only occasionally. Don't you call them "the girls.. dear.. and now. I do hope you don't disapprove of Mortimer." either. Is Lieutenant around? So what are they renting rooms for? They don't.he's in Brooklyn six nights a week. Brophy.. at any time.. Remember now.should take any man's daughter anyplace. Sister Martha and I are so happy. .. No. But you can bet if anybody came looking for a room.. Bless you..Their old man left them fixed for life. You know I'm not a swearing man. We mustn't be angry with Mortimer. .

by the library door. Mr. we have nothing to report. He's taking over my beat. This is Officer O'Hara. At ease. The toys are on the chair up here. -Miss Abby. dear. Charge! It gives us something to do at the station. No. -Come right in. Thank you. what news have you brought me? Colonel. I'll go. gentlemen. That's splendid work you men do. Gentlemen. -How do you do. Teddy. Teddy. fixing up discarded toys for the kids at camp. Harper from the church next door? Hello. sir? It's nice to meet you. Brophy? . no. This is Officer O'Hara. You know the Reverend Dr. You get tired of playing cards. absolutely nothing to report. How do you do. Will you excuse me? No. miss? -Welcome to our neighborhood. run upstairs and bring down your Army and Navy from Aunt Martha's room. They're all packed. Brophy. -So these are the toys? -How's Mrs. we came for the toys. the new man on the beat.what they'd consider swearing. Splendid! Thank you.

.. still. Reverend.. if I know what pure kindness and absolute generosity are.it's because I've known the Brewster sisters.. He's an interesting character.She's better. Father. Gentlemen. you promised me you wouldn't do that anymore. thank you. Teddy. I'll make a note... But I have to call a Cabinet meeting to get those supplies. Sarge. But a little weak.and the neighbors raised Cain. .. Stop the nonsense! I won't be a minute.. That's right. Isn't it a shame. -He thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt. They're afraid of him.. Look. I'll get some beef broth for you to take to her. I promised I wouldn't swear. Now don't do that again. but what the heck-What's going on here? -He's quite harmless. that this nice family should be hatching a cuckoo? . There's a lot of worse guys he could think he was.. Do you hear me? He used to do that at night. You've done so much already. Isn't it a shame. . Please don't bother..

Miss Brewster. Thank you. dear. you're back. How do you do? -I'm very glad to know you. Be sure it's good and hot. and thank you very much. this is grand. Sarge. Here's the broth for Mrs.. Dismissed! . it goes to Australia..Well. Brophy. -Don't mention it. You bet I will. The Army and Navy are ready for action. Teddy. So long. how do you do? Miss Martha. Hey. No. Yes. -Not at all. What's this? The Oregon? Teddy. isn't this nice! -Good afternoon. -But the Oregon goes to Australia. It'll make a lot of kids happy.. -The children will go crazy. He's taking over my duties. Martha. Colonel. now. -Now. put it back. Officer O'Hara. -How do you do? -Good afternoon. -These are lovely. -Thank you. -Reverend. Colonel.

-Goodbye and thank you. you're happy.. And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.it might be a change for him. Bless you! Have you tried to persuade him he wasn't Roosevelt? -Oh. no! -He's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt. -Charge! Charge the blockhouse! Blockhouse? The stairs are always San Juan Hill. Mortimer's made all the arrangements for Teddy. -Good night. Well.. Martha? Once. and what's more important.. That is quite a problem. Our only worry for Teddy is after we're gone. -Well.. Do you remember. let that be a lesson to you. -Careful of the step with the toys.. Young man. Yes.. if he's happy. indeed. .. .. I must be going.. a long time ago. Goodbye. -Don't mention it. we thought if he'd be George Washington. and we suggested it.

Delighted! That's bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey. dear. . There wasn't time. dear. -I'll run right downstairs and see. I do believe he's beginning to see the light.. sweet Reverend Harper. and Reverend Harper was coming. I didn't know when you'd be back. -No. I just couldn't wait for you. why? Good news for you. Martha. So. You know. You're going to Panama and dig another lock for the canal.. -But all by yourself. Splendid idea! A very pleasant place. And I was all alone. Dear. too. I'm sure we needn't worry about him. And dinner's going to be late. Charge! Abby! While I was out? Yes. -I got along fine.. He won't interfere with our plans for Mortimer and Elaine. Did you just have tea? Yes.to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.

right out here with everyone looking. Hold on to that. He did? What did he say? -He was against it. Mortimer. -But. Let everyone in Brooklyn over 16 look.Well? Just look in the windowseat. And her brooch. There they are. Wait a minute. Here's your hat. -This old cab has seen osculation but. Mortimer. you're going to love me . -You ain't seen anything yet. Just throw it. right out here with everyone looking? Yes.. -What's the matter with it? -Father preached about it only last Sunday. If you find her hairpins. darlings. -Take her hat. Elaine! -What did she mean? You don't suppose they've gone and-Listen. buddy.. I don't like that look in your eyes. -You've got to drive us to the station. keep them. -But that was only Sunday.. But. -It's Elaine! -Hello. Please! For heaven's sake! But.

.. Mortimer! " You better get used to it. You know what we're doing? Wasting time.for my mind.. I started packing the day after I met you. You'll see it often.. Niagara Falls! Everybody ought to go there. There's that look again! "There's that look again. We've a room on the train. you see! You see? That's what I mean. That's what I hate about women. I can handle Father. Yes. I don't have to.. There. You'll run his cold into a pneumonia.and tomorrow morning we go over the falls in a barrel. I'll go tell my aunts and you tell your. It goes just before this. why don't we wire him from Niagara Falls? Niagara Falls? That's why you stopped at your office. Go on. No. too? One thing at a time. You should've seen my secretary's face. .. darling.. don't tell your father. certainly! We're going to go the whole hog. He's a dear. hurry and pack. Look. the bridal suite in the hotel. .

Hurry. And throw in a flock . open the front door fast. it's me. -Whistle when you're ready. -Father may want to pray over me. hurry. -Can I use the telephone? -Of course. Oh. dark streak of light. Brewster? Good. When you whistle. Grand Central Station. Elaine and I are married. too wonderful? And to think that it happened right here in this room! Now. here. Benson's Florists? This is Mortimer Brewster.I wonder what Mary's doing now? -The train leaves in an hour. What? Now? No. not now! Look surprised when he tells us. We're married. -It'll be a few minutes. Send four dozen more to drawing room A. Did you send those roses to Mrs. Isn't it too. how wonderful! Isn't it wonderful? They're married! Don't pretend to be so surprised either. you two old frauds. Hold on to your bustles. If you see a tall. darling.

A taxi's waiting. I'll open a bottle of wine and we'll sing. you've got the nicest nephew in the world. I'm going to burn all my books. too. of course. I'll let the Reverend light the first match. But before you go. -You won't have time to bake a cake. Oh. I'll run along and get everything ready. we can have our celebration. I've got the two nicest aunts in the world. Of course. Did I leave some notes here for my new book? You mean Mind Over Matrimony? Where are they? -I hid them someplace--Come along. a wedding cake. You know how your books upset him. -And. It's been ready since-I bet it's been ready since the first day I met her. dear. We're going to Niagara Falls. And we'll invite a few neighbors in.of orange blossoms. . except me? We knew you'd find out about it in time. Well. I do hope the Reverend isn't too angry. Did everybody know I was getting married. It's all ready.

Just bully. President. You ought to put that in the fire with my books. -Find those notes? What's wrong? There's a baby picture of your brother Jonathan. Yes. Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Isn't it wonderful? Well. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in two with his teeth? Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now. He'd scare grownups with it. Goodbye. Let's find them before Elaine sees them. A new lock for the canal. Mr. Hello. I'm off to Panama. "Oh. had a character in it. reminded me of Jonathan. goodbye. tell the news to Mother" -Oh. Oh.Now you behave. Mr. My. Mortimer! -How are you. Really? A honey of a lunatic. you know. -What news have you brought me? -The country's squarely behind you. dear. I know. thank you. President? -Bully. I saw a play. what a face! I remember now. dear! . One of those whodunits called Murder Will Out.

The next thing-Hey. Teddy's got to go to Happy Dale now. At once! -He's in the cellar. That's after we're gone. . darlings! Nonsense! There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. -There's no such hurry as that. Yes. dear. Well. Now. -Happy bridegroom! -Congratulations. we talked with Reverend Harper about it. When the curtain goes up. but I've got an awful shock for you. Yes. Teddy's killed a man. but it has nothing to do with Teddy. darlings. listen.Yeah. what a play. darlings. I'm frightfully sorry. look. You know how we've always planned to send Teddy to Happy Dale? Yes. Get him up here now. mister. We know. -You know? -Of course. When Teddy's working on the canal. dear. the first thing you see is a dead body. you can't get his mind on anything else. darling! Never mind that now.

Aunt Martha. except that he's a Methodist. Who is he? He's a Mr. That's really all I know about him. You just forget about it. Wait! Stop all this.. You mean you. Mortimer. When it's in tea. No. it has a distinct odor. He's a Methodist? lsn't that nice. You put it in the wine? . Hoskins. how did he die? Mortimer... dear. Adam Hoskins. How did the poison get in the wine? We put it in wine because it's less noticeable.. Forget? We never dreamed you'd peek. He died first. don't be so inquisitive.Now.. men just don't get into windowseats and die. What the. Forget you ever saw the gentleman. That's all you know? What's he doing here? -What happened to him? -He died. The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now look..

because Reverend Harper was coming.. darling. Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure? Then I must be here.. Schultz. but this time we'll go where we want to go. But she wants us to take Junior to the movies again. We must do that. Abby. Junior's not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. And I put Mr. you know all about it and just forget about it. It's first-degree.. tomorrow or next day. Mortimer. Now. She's much better. Look at me. not at tea.. The dears. They ought not to be allowed to make pictures just to frighten people. I do think that Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets. That wouldn't have been very nice. while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. . You knew what you'd done and didn't want Reverend Harper to see the body? Well.Yes. Yes. Isn't Halloween a wonderful time for them? . Hoskins in the windowseat.

Forget? Can't I make you realize that something has to be done? Now. You're going to bury Mr. We told you to forget the whole thing. don't be so impatient. Mr. Look. Teddy's down in the cellar now. it is. dear. Celebrate? There's a body in the windowseat! Yes. Hodgekiss--Hoskins. you behave.. dear. you can't leave him in there. Mortimer. -We can't turn you over to the police. Mortimer. -But Mr. Now. You can't. Hodgekiss in the cellar? Yes. I know what his name is. -Stop worrying about it. -Lick the bowl? I don't want to. dear. We don't intend to. digging the lock. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this. Aunt Martha. -We'll let you lick the bowl. They have so much fun. dear. . Hoskins. Whatever his name is. I want to know what we're going to do... That's what we did with the others.Yes. here. I want to know what we're going to do! We're going to celebrate.

because I remember when Mr. I didn't mean-- ... Abby.. Whatever is the matter with Mortimer today? Why. Abby? No. Makes it 12. Let me see now. When you say "others. what do you think happened to him? Hello? Not now. It does? Well.it occurred to me that he'd make just an even dozen. I get them mixed up sometimes. dear. This makes 12. dear. I was counting the first one. But. keep your shirt on! Elaine. isn't it." do you mean "others"? -More than one "others"? -Yes. I think you're wrong. dear. she's probably right. Hoskins first came in.. Hello. For heaven's sake. .-Others? -The other gentlemen. dear. No. Abby. dear. I really don't think you should count the first one. This is 1 1. This one is only 1 1 . Abby. Abby usually is. and that makes it 12.

. All his kith and kin were dead. let's see. . So. Abby thinks we should count the first one. then and there. . old men. Teddy came up from digging in Panama. . we all took him down to Panama.and he sat there dead in that chair. Midgely. . he dropped dead right in this chair? And then... dear. He was such a lonely.looking so peaceful. And that meant he had to be buried immediately. Twelve! Yes.. We felt so sorry for him. He was a Baptist. Never mind about that..... Tell me...and he thought Mr....Now. Just sit down. Remember..we would.. Martha? We made up our minds... .. Where were we? Twelve. when his heart attack came...to find that same peace. you poor. you see. old gentleman.. You mean... And then.that if we could help other lonely.. Midgely was a yellow-fever victim. . who was the first one? Mr.... .. Why..

. darling.. You've eaten enough of her piccalilli....l take one teaspoonful of arsenic.. one of our gentlemen found time to say: "How delicious! " . .. What about the others? All 12 of them didn't walk in here and drop dead.....in Grandfather's laboratory all these years? You know your Aunt Martha's knack for mixing things. dear.because we know exactly what's to be done. for a gallon of elderberry wine. dear. just a pinch of cyanide..and put him in the lock and gave him a decent Christian burial... Well.. ... No.. Of course not! Well. There. Wait a minute! Come here.then add half a teaspoonful of strychnine.. And then. -What? Do you remember those jars of poison on the shelves. . now you see? That's why we told you not to bother about it. so. -Mortimer.. Should have quite a kick.. As a matter of fact.. .

What am I doing with tickets? Information. we mustn't be standing here gossiping all night. I couldn't eat a thing. darling. Information? Get me the number of Judge Cullman . Got him working on a yellow-fever victim. Old Judge Cullman! I wonder if I got his number. Teddy! Of course. Winchell's no good. He's wonderful. Everybody knows he's crazy. Winchell? No. Happy as a lark. digging locks. I can see the headlines now: "Murder lncorporator Rides Again" right across the front page.. Who can I call up? Dewey... Let me see. A sip of wine! Wine! I'm beginning to think the cat's in on this.He did? Well.. Let me see. a sip of... Singing away. We must get that cake frosted. wasn't that nice of him? Abby. You newlyweds! A sip of wine will give you an appetite. Don't worry about the cake. La Guardia. That'd be nice.

What are you doing here? What am I doing here? Didn't you hear me whistle? Whistle? Oh. . would you call me back? Wouldn't it be marvelous if he wasn't there? Hey. dark streak of light. Yeah. -Run on home. -Come on! -I'm so sorry. What's wrong? Look at your hair. -Tomorrow? You know I always call you up every day or two. Brooklyn. -How do I look? -You look fine. I'll call you up tomorrow. What color is it? Has it turned? Darling. you! Thought you were tall. yes. lose your nerve? Where's that look I was going to see so often? Stop! Don't whistle in my ear.on North Shore Road. You and your gags! Where's your hat? The bags are in the taxi. what's the matter? What happened? Those flowers are so beautiful. please. What'd you do. I heard you whistle. Something's happened.

about Teddy.. The police want to throw him into a state institution. we'll let it! -Wait a minute! Listen. very important. he's-It's his bugle blowing. A thing happened. You smell so nice. It won't wait until tomorrow.. get some rest! Rest? Who? Judge Cullman? This is Mortimer Brewster. -Go to bed. darling. You can't marry me and then throw me out! I'm not throwing you out of the house! Will you get out of here? I'm sorry. Judge.If I could only tell you. Judge. we were married today. But it's a matter of life and. It's about Teddy. We've got to do something immediately.. You better go home! -But. It's very. I've got to come over and see you right away. but don't stand there! -But Niagara Falls! -If it does. Elaine. Judge. I'll tell you why I called you. . Elaine! Will you get out of here? What on earth is going on here? I don't know where I stand! -Anywhere.

-My name's Gibbs. I'm sorry. please. we can get him to Happy Dale. I'm Miss Brewster. It's a wonderful place. -All alone in the world? . -Is Brooklyn your home? -I live in a hotel. this would be a nice comfortable chair. Doorbell's ringing. Are your family Brooklyn people? -Haven't got any family. Don't like it. Do step in. dear. Another Miss Brewster. How do you do? Come in. Operator? Give me long distance. I understand you've got a room to rent. Long distance? I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium. -Are you the lady of the house? -Yes. Now. do sit down. Happy Dale. -Well.How do you like that? -I read an ad here about a room to rent. -Shut up! If you sign the papers and Teddy commits himself. New York. You will? Fine! I'll be over as soon as I've made another call. And this is my sister. we're just setting the table for dinner.

-Well. you've come to just the right house. we make this ourselves. I can see the headlines now." Got that? Is there always this much noise? He doesn't live with us.. I'd like to see the room. but the cemetery's full of them. -No. Happy Dale.. like a broken record! -Have your own elderberry bushes? -No. The room's upstairs. Martha. Well." when you dig a lock. Well. -Dale. -Thank you. Won't you try a glass of our wine before we start up? Never touch it. Please. Elderberry? I haven't tasted elderberry wine since I was a boy. "D" Iike in "dig. I don't think I'll like it. -Do sit down. -Operator! I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry! I want the Happy Dale Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Sanitarium! Yes. That's right. Well.. . "A" Iike in "arsenic. skoal. It's elderberry wine.

murdered.... I'm nervous.. piffle! It's not a nice thing to do.but it's not only against the law. People wouldn't understand. operator! What's taking so long? It's only across the river! I could swim it faster! Yes! Hello! Hell-What-What.. Not that. . madam. What I mean is. Get out of here! Do you want to be poisoned. He wouldn't understand. it's wrong. killed? They're nuts! You're telling me! Look. Don't do that. you can't do things like that! Now I don't know how I can explain this to you. they're busy? Busy? They're busy and you're dizzy! No.. This is developing into a very bad habit! Who? Happy Dale Sanitarium? . Oh.Hello. but you've given me an idea! Darling. I'm not drunk..

Mr. please. How are you? Do you remember our conversation about committing my brother to Happy Dale? You do? Well. I'd hoped we wouldn't have him for some time yet. We have several Theodore Roosevelts at the moment. thanks. but I'll do it now and call you as soon as I have them. Oh.That's amazing. Well. I see. . do you-I'm fine. Of course. Mr. Oh. if your mind is made up. Have you had the papers drawn up? No. dear. That's too bad. And if-Oh. Thank you. Witherspoon. . Happy Dale? Let me talk to Mr. now. if he thought that-Mr. Yes. we want to commit him there immediately. operator. Well.. Mr. Bonaparte. How do you do. Witherspoon. dear..-. Brewster. we're a bit short of Napoleons at present. Well. Brewster? How are you? Mr.. Witherspoon..and it would lead to trouble. Mr. Thank you. Witherspoon speaking.What? All right.

I'm going to Judge Cullman's.. I'll sing with you. dear. darling. Mortimer. What do you want us to do? Don't do anything. I want you to do one thing for me. Now listen. dear. darling.. Whosit where he is.. I wouldn't want anything in the world to happen to you. won't you? Where's my hat? There it is. -But. . Anyway. You know I'd do anything for you. -What? We were planning to hold services before dinner. I can't talk to you. I love you both very much. -Couldn't that wait until I get back? -You could join us in the hymns! Yes.Another Roosevelt. like good girls... Well. I can't concentrate. you'll do that little thing for me.. I mean. don't do anything! Don't let anyone in the house and leave Mr. What on earth could happen to us? Well. Oh. don't you? Yes. we'd have to know what it was first. Get off that thing. but I want you to promise me something.

don't let anybody in the house until I get back. Wait a minute! What am I doing? Fancy getting nice Mr. What is it? Mr. that's right. cab! Here you are. What were you saying about Mortimer? I think I understand why he seemed so upset.I'll dance with you. well. Hoskins' hat all mussed up. What? Stop that. I believe that always makes a man a little nervous. Remember. Yes. Sure. I'll sit with you! Yeah. Shame! Such a nice hat. The poor dears. I'm so happy for Elaine. . Mortimer didn't seem to be quite himself today. Hoskins' hat! -Do you still want me to wait? -Yes! Call me a cab! -Hey. Why? He's just been married. You know. anything. -Don't open it. Oh. You promise? Good. I can go faster that way.

doctor. As if we were expected. -You look. I'll go. It's two men. -Are you sure? -Yes. -Do you recognize them? -No. and I've never seen them before.Abby! If Mortimer's coming back for the services. -Let me look. we'll need another hymnal. As a boy. I hope there's a fatted calf awaiting the return of the prodigal. Drink. it's a good hideout. dear. There's one up in my room. Johnny. We promised Mortimer we wouldn't let anyone come in. Now I'm glad to escape back into it. I couldn't wait to escape from this house. I'm so hungry. . Look. Yes. they're strangers to me. The family must still live here. A fatted calf?. This is the home of my youth. Come in. Johnny. Johnny. We'll just have to pretend we're not at home.

Aunt Martha. you're not. Einstein is responsible for that.. Who are you? What are you doing here? Aunt Abby. Aunt Martha.. But I've seen that face before. . so don't pretend you are. Jonathan. He's a plastic surgeon. still the high collar.. .. you know. I see you're still wearing the lovely garnet ring. You're nothing like Jonathan.. Your nephew. his voice is like Jonathan's. Dr. .. And you....that Grandma Brewster bought in England. You get out of here! I'm Jonathan.to hide the scar where Grandfather's acid burned you. Have you been in an accident? My face. Do you remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies. It's Jonathan.. No.A good omen. You just get out of here. Why.

...and I was so frightened? It was that face. Take it easy, Johnny. Take it easy. Don't worry. The last five years, I give him three different faces. I give him another one right away. That last face. I saw that picture, too... ...just before I operated. I was intoxicated. You see, doctor, what you've done to me? -Even my own family think I'm--Johnny, Johnny! You are home in this lovely house. You know... ...how many times he tells me... ...about Brooklyn, about this house and about his aunts... ...he loves so much? They know you. Please tell him so. Jonathan... ...it's been a long time. Bless you. It's good to be home again. We mustn't let what's on the stove boil over. If you'll excuse us for a moment, Jonathan. Unless you're in a hurry to go somewhere. Where do we go from here? You know, we got to think fast.

The police got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you right away. We got to find someplace. We got to find someplace for Mr. Spenalzo, too. Don't waste any worry on that rat. But we got a hot stiff on our hands. Forget Mr. Spenalzo. But, Johnny, we can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have killed him. Just because he knows something about us, what happens? We come to him for help and he tries to shake us down. Besides, he said I looked like Boris Karloff. That's your work, doctor. You did that to me. Please, Johnny, take it easy. We'll find some place and I'll fix you up right away. Yes, tonight, but I have to eat first. This time, I want the face of an absolute nonentity. Yes. I know exactly what I'm going to do. You see, I'm going to take this piece here and lift it up-Be careful about the stitches this time. You leave that up to me.

I'll give you nice ears and--You were careless last time. -And new stitches. And on the eyes I'll do a Schmidt. That's my specialty. -I take it together like this--Leave the eyes alone. Leave the nose alone. Poor Teddy. I imagine it's for the best. "Ours not to reason why, ours but to do--" Sign right here, please, Judge. Excuse me. Right there. Sometimes I think, with the world in its present chaotic state-Yes, we'd all be better off at Happy Dale. I sign here as next of kin, don't l? Only last week I created a mild sensation... ...at the Bar Association, when I said-Goodbye. Good luck, Judge. Thank you. Tell Martha and Abby I'll be over this week. I've been feeling rather lonely. No! Never tell them you've been lonely. Never! -Why, I don't--Judge! Tell me, are you a drinking man? Why, no. I never indulge. Good! Then you'll live longer. Of course a little wine now--

No! For heaven's sake, no wine! I may be committing the wrong Brewster. Well, I'm sure you both want to get to wherever you're going. My dear, sweet aunties, I'm so full of your delicious dinner... -...l'm unable to move a muscle. -Yes, it's nice here. I found it! Gentlemen, be seated. Here it is, gentlemen. The story of my life, my biography. Here's the picture I was telling you about. Here we both are. President Roosevelt and General Goethals at Culebra Cut. That's me, General, and that's you. My, how I've changed! That picture hasn't been taken yet. We haven't started work on Culebra Cut. We're still digging locks. And now, General, we will both go to Panama and inspect the new lock. No, Teddy. Not to Panama. Maybe some other time, Mr. President. Panama is a long ways off. -Nonsense! It's just down in the cellar. -The cellar? We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar. -General Goethals?

-Yes, sir. As President of the US, Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy... ...and the man who gave you this job... ...l demand that you accompany me on the inspection of the new lock. I think it's time for you to go to bed. I beg your pardon. Who are you? I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed. No, you're not Wilson. But your face is familiar. You're not anyone I know now. Perhaps later, on my hunting trip to Africa. You look like someone I might meet in the jungle. I think, perhaps, you had better go to bed, Teddy. He and his friend want to get back to their hotel. General Goethals, inspect the canal. All right, Mr. President, we go to Panama. Bully, bully! Follow me, General. It's down south, you know. Well, bon voyage! I must correct your misapprehension. You talked of our hotel. We have no hotel. We came here directly. This is not your home, and I'm afraid you can't stay here. Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep.

six feet long. How do we get him in here? Yes. That's hospitality. Come here. I don't have to go into details. we can't just walk Mr. do l? Perhaps we'd better let them stay here tonight. Spenalzo along. -Down here. And it just fits Mr. They're living in a house with a body buried in the cellar. . Four feet wide. Bed. Spenalzo in through the door.. I forgot to tell you..Doctor and I are turning Grandfather's laboratory into an operating room. We expect to be very busy. as a boy. It would not be pleasant for any of us if.. We'll get the car and after they're in bed.. . Quick.. what do you think I find? -What? The Panama Canal. Spenalzo. See the hole he's digging. we'll bring him in through the window... He just fits! You'd think he knew we were bringing Mr.You remember that. Rather a good joke on my aunts. I could be disagreeable.

I think Teddy had better take Mr. What are we going to do? We're not going to let them spend more than one night in this house. What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.We're moving the car behind the house. He said the canal was just the right size. That might be against the law. there's been another yellow-fever victim. You'd better get to bed. Hoskins! It can't be very comfortable for him in there. The car is all right where it is until morning. we must keep it a secret. Hoskins? Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away. And he's been so patient. a state secret. Teddy. Dear me! This will be a shock to the General. Promise? You have the word of the President . A state secret? Yes. the poor dear. What are we going to do about Mr. General Goethals was very pleased. I don't want to leave it in the street. No.

And we'll come down later and hold services. I've never even seen Mr. We've never had yellow fever there before. .you come up and take the poor man down to the canal.. you were out. -And we don't go to bed this early.when I turn out the lights..of the United States.. We're bringing the luggage through here. It seems to be spreading. .. You just come right along and see him now. considering that he's a Methodist. Your room is waiting for you. I think you'd better get back down into the cellar. Both of you. Now get along. -Where is the poor devil? -In the windowseat. But you must be very tired.. when everything's dark here.. let's see. Now. You can go right up... How are we going to keep it a secret? Teddy. he's really very nice looking. Cross my heart and hope to die. . You know. I'm afraid we don't keep Brooklyn hours. Hoskins! My goodness! That's right. And then. You two run along to bed.

Now! Turn out the lights. -I'll be right up. Run along. It's dark in here.-It's time I came home to take care of you. Aunt Abby. Yeah. Doctor. I'll come back later. you open the window. But he's too heavy for me. Where am l? Here I am. Now. Johnny. All right. I'll take a look around outside the house. and I'll stay here and pull. I'll open the window. Take the bags upstairs. . He's all right. I'll wait until you're up and then turn out the lights. we'll all go to bed. Good night. Aunt Martha. Aunt Abby. -All right. You go round and hand him through. Just off the laboratory. And then together we take him down to Panama. You go outside and push. For the instruments. When I tap on the glass. We must be quick.

He's so heavy. Help me. Teddy? Who are you? I'm Elaine Harper. somebody's at the door. Help me. I'm a brand-new Brewster. -But his shoe came off. I'll manage Spenalzo. Hand him over. You lost a leg somewhere. quick. He's so heavy. wait a minute.Who left this open? Okay. Go. Now I got him. I'm not very used to it. wait a minute. Go open. Now I have him. Doctor! . up! Now. I mean. it's Brewster. Why did you say your name was Harper? It is Harper. Now I've got him! Johnny. Mortimer. -Be careful. I live next door. Now I have him. Allez. quick! Mortimer! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Who is it? Is that you. What are you doing here? I came here to see my husband.

" Just what do you mean by that? Why do you come here at this time of night? I just thought I saw Mortimer drive up. I've never seen you before.. they talk about you. that's all. It's okay.. That explains everything. We happen to live here.It's all right. -I suppose you'll tell me you're Boris--I am Jonathan Brewster. And something of a magician. Where are Martha and Abby? What have you done to them? Perhaps we'd better introduce ourselves. Maybe you'd better explain what you're doing here. May I present Dr. I'm in this house every day. You don't live here.. .l'll just be running along if you'll kindly unlock the door. Einstein? Dr. Now that I know who you are. -You've heard of me? -Yes.. -What do they say about me? Just that there's another brother named Jonathan. -You're Jonathan. . Einstein? A surgeon of great distinction. "That explains everything.

No! Don't be a tomboy. I came to see Mortimer. -Tell these men who I am! -That's my daughter. You thought you saw someone drive up? Yes.I suppose it was you. Let go of me! Let go of me! What's the matter? What's happening down there? What's the matter? What are you doing there? We caught a burglar. It's going to be a private funeral. a sneak thief. No visitors. Don't play rough with the gentlemen. the cellar. Alice. I'll run--You've given two names. . -You're hurting me! I think she's dangerous. that's all! I see. Weren't you just outside? lsn't that your car? -You saw someone at the car? -Yes. -What else did you see? -Just that. Is that why you came over here? No. But if he's not home. Go back to your room. Charge! Doctor.

Do you hear me? Don't answer that.... Mortimer. Jonathan! -I've come back home. What's that? What's that thing that looks like a cigar-store dummy? -It's your brother and Dr. Don't answer that! Where's Teddy? ls he upstairs? Never mind that now. Holy mackerel! It is Jonathan! I'm glad you remember." Listen. Mortimer. -What? I've come back home.. . -Didn't I tell you not to let anybody in? -Who did you say it was? -It's your brother. -I'll handle this. Mortimer.-We'll call the police. Einstein. darling. -Mortimer. have you forgotten the things I used to do to you. I talk. "I've come back home. Mortimer. What are you doing with your best clothes on? Holy... Mortimer. Go back to your room. he--Wait a minute.when you were tied to the bedpost? The needles under your fingernails. it talks! Yes. ..

Windowseat? Certainly not on the windowseat.Yeah. Go out and haunt yourself a hotel.. No. and I'll sleep on the windowseat. be a good fellow. Nothing to. How could I forget you? Where'd you get that face? Hollywood? Don't you two boys start quarreling the minute you've seen each other. We invited Jonathan and Dr. Johnny can sleep on the sofa. .. I'm going to sleep on the windowseat.. I'm staying here tonight. I remember. Einstein to stay. -What? -Just for tonight. Now. I'm staying here from now on. We don't take up much room. Here's $10. -In fact. I'll sleep on the windowseat from now on. Please. Now look. -What about me? There's no room for anybody else here. just a moment. So take that little squirt and beat it! Where's Teddy? I've got to see him right away.

Aunt Martha! No! It was Jonathan! He mistook her for a sneak thief. Elaine. -Oh. what are you doing here? -Mortimer! -What's the matter. What? What's going to happen to Mr.Mortimer. beat it! It's all right. Johnny. Wait! Who's this Mr. Doctor. How do you like that? The guy stays away for 20 years and picks tonight to come back. you know what I do to people who order me around. Spenalzo. I've completely lost track of Mr. Mr. in just a little while. I'll take care of you. Mortimer. that. darling? -I almost got killed. Spenalzo? A friend of ours Johnny was looking for. Spenalzo. I'll tell you about him. Don't bring anyone else in here. Spenalzo? We can't leave him here in the windowseat. Now. While we are packing. -Killed? Aunt Abby. .

But didn't you hear what I was just saying? Your own brother Jonathan...your brother tries to strangle me. look. Well. -What? Go on home like a good girl.. Mr. please. Yes.. I'm here now. Brewster. I'm afraid of him.. Witherspoon.-It was worse than that. . -But--Please. He's some kind of a maniac. Forget it. don't worry about it. -You'd better run along home... Well. I don't understand you. a taxi's waiting. I can't hear the man. Darling. -He was going to kill me! -Wait. he was trying to strangle me! -Please! This is important! -That? Mr. Operator? Get me Happy Dale 2-7-0..and now you want to sleep on a windowseat! Windowseat. . We were married today. . I got things to do. Witherspoon? This is Mortimer Brewster. we were going over Niagara Falls.

darling. Yeah. but come down here and get my brother immediately! Please. Hoskins! Ye gods! There's another one! Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! -Come in here! -We're busy. of course? By the doctor? Oh. Why don't you come down here anyway? While you're getting here. Teddy. you've had the papers signed by your brother and the doctor.put them in a barrel.. I'll get Teddy's and the doctor's signatures.. darling. windowseat. . and push them all over Niagara Falls! Thank you.. I'll get both signatures. Doctor. signature.. come right away. well. wedding ring. holy mackerel! I forgot the doctor! Please. What's the matter with her? Let me sit down.. Let me think about this thing. taxi. By the way. be quiet! Can't you see I've got to get a doctor? What kind of a doctor? A family doctor? You can take your honeymoon.. Thank you.. I know it's late. .I've got the papers all drawn up.

Mr. you come in here now! Yes. -I don't mean Jonathan! I don't mean Dr. It is not Mr. And if he came here to be buried in our cellar. dear.No. I did. Hoskins! -By the way. Hoskins in the windowseat. Hoskins! There! Who can that be? -Are you saying you've never seen him? -I certainly am. Hoskins? -He must have gone to Panama. Hoskins. . what is it? Where's Elaine? Didn't you promise not to let anyone in? -Jonathan just walked in. -What? You buried him? -Not yet. he's mistaken. This is a fine how-do-you-do! It's getting so anyone thinks he can walk in! Don't you try to get out of this! That's another one of your gentlemen! How can you say such a thing? That man's an impostor. You admitted you put Mr. Einstein! Who is that in the windowseat? We told you. where is Mr. This man couldn't have got the idea from Mr. Yes.

Listen. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib! What do you think has happened? "A fib! " This may interest you. poor dear. Let Aunt Martha see what's in the windowseat. what with Jonathan in the house. you admit you poisoned them! Yes. Mortimer. you come straight along here. I'm in no mood to debate the question. Martha. or am I throwing you out on your ear? I've led a strange life. You just look and see what's in that windowseat. I've decided that we're staying. and I mean now.He's down there waiting for the services. . Are you getting out. No. How can I believe you? There are 12 men down there. I did. Oh.. We haven't had a minute. Don't. And I've also decided that you're leaving. But I will not read services over a total stranger! A total stranger. handsome. We've always wanted to hold a double funeral. dear...

You can't ask for more than that. Officer O'Hara! I saw the lights and thought you might have sickness. I've got some very good news for you. -And this is another nephew. Come right in. darling. Remember. Listen. Put down that telephone. do come in. . too. Jonathan is leaving. -Glad to see you. Spenalzo? I knew he was a foreigner. I'll give you a chance to get away and take the evidence with you. This is our nephew.. I'll have to call the police. Don't reach for the telephone. -No! Come in... -Pleased to meet you. Well? All right. Einstein and that cold companion with him. Spenalzo can happen to you. I owe you an apology. And he's taking Dr.Aunt Abby. -Pleased to make your acquaintance. in that case. You're my brother. -Yes. Mortimer. Jonathan. you're a Brewster. You got company? Sorry I disturbed you. Officer. what happened to Mr.

Dr. why? What a break for me! I'm a playwright. -Would you? What a break! I get wonderful ideas. If you don't leave here.Your face is familiar. Spenalzo. I'll keep O'Hara busy to give you a chance to get out. . This is your last chance. I'm working on a play now. All three of you: you. well! -Maybe I can help you with it. I'll introduce Officer O'Hara to Mr. I can spell like the dickens. Haven't I seen a picture of you? I don't think so. I got to ring in. And where else would you eat? See you in a moment. You can tell me all about it. Einstein and Spenalzo. Couldn't you whip up a sandwich? I hope you don't mind eating in the kitchen. -I'll be running along. but I can't spell them. the writer and dramatic critic? Yes. well. You are? Well. -Why? Stay until my brother leaves. Mr. Constantinople? Let's go into the kitchen.-Are you "the" Mortimer Brewster. Officer O'Hara.

Please! Doctor. Just give me one moment. We've got a wonderful setup here. Johnny. Brooklyn ain't a good setup for you. Now get going! All three of you. let's go. What? With a cop in the kitchen and Spenalzo in the windowseat? That's all he's got on us. Please. We can make a fortune. no. we're coming back here. Only Mortimer stands in our way. We'll take Spenalzo and dump him in the bay. Right with you. But we've got trouble enough as it is. you know when I make up my mind-When you make up your mind. No. O'Hara. Look.My play takes place in-I'll be right with you. We're sleeping right here in this house. Okay! Take the instruments and hide them . We're not going. I never did like Mortimer. After that. Two old ladies as a front. Okay. you lose your head. take it easy. This affair between my brother and myself has got to be settled. Then if he tries to interfere-No. Johnny. Come. please.

-I don't know. -You're not going? -No.. I'll be back in a minute. Mortimer. -Excuse me. -Come quick! -What's the matter? -You know that hole in the cellar? -Yes. Well. All right. I worked on it for 12 years. -Officer O'Hara? -Coming. Move fast. If you tell O'Hara .. -Swell. -My mother was an actress. we got an ace in the hole. you asked for it. We're not going. You stay out of this. -Legitimate? Of course.. -You don't know what goes on in Brooklyn. rehash it. Well. She was my mother. Yes. It's no fly-by-night idea. What are you doing still here? I thought I said beat it.in the cellar. I didn't tell you the first-I thought I told you. -Peaches La Tour was her name. -I like the first act.

You'd better ring in. This opening will kill you. How about the backroom at Kelly's? Fine place. Bohemian atmosphere. Genius at work.. I assure you.l'll tell him what's in the cellar. Why don't you both go down in the cellar? That's all right with me. Cellar? There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead. The heck with ringing in! I want to tell you the plot. . You ring in and I'll meet you at Kelly's.. There's a much more literary atmosphere in Kelly's.what's in the windowseat. I'm waiting to be born and the doctor-The doctor! . Shall I bring them in here? You can't do that now. huh? Let's go where we can be alone. You can't tell me in front of those two fellas... I'll meet you there later. Lowbrows. -What were you doing there? -What's he doing there? Now what are you going to tell O'Hara? Your aunts want to hear the rest.

. Did he look guilty! Well. You won't stand me up. We thought we heard you leave. I'm not! The moment I get Spenalzo. will you? This is a great play.. doctor. And speaking of services.. Wait for me! We'll wait for him. You're smug. you ring in and I'll see you later. aren't you? You think you've got it over me. I expect to find you gone.will you make us some coffee while we take Spenalzo down to the cellar? No.. You've got to take him with you! . -I'll see you down there. Where do you. I think we can start the services now. That was just Mortimer.. You think I'm afraid to tell about Spenalzo because of Hoskins. The moment the doctor signs. You haven't. I don't care who knows about Hoskins.. Well. dear aunties. When I come back. Jonathan.... And you better feel the same way about Spenalzo. Spenalzo! -Where are you going? -To the doctor's. Martha. Yes... -Can't wait! Doctor. Where are those papers? There they are.Look. Perish the thought.

Hoskins. And we won't have any strangers buried in our cellar. -A friend of Mortimer's? -Take his feet. Crowded? With what? There are 12 graves down there now. Why. Spenalzo and he will get along fine together. Hoskins--Mr.There's a friend of Mortimer's downstairs waiting for him. -He's one of our gentlemen. Doctor. They're both dead. Hoskins is no stranger. And he's no friend of Mortimer's. It's one of our charities. That leaves very little room and we're going to need it. Besides. . what we've been doing is a mercy. -Your gentlemen? Yes. Mr. He must mean Mr. -But Mr. Mr. Spenalzo. you and Aunt Martha have murdered 12-Murdered? Certainly not. The cellar's crowded already. Twelve graves. You mean. there's no room for Mr. Hoskins? You know about what's down there? Of course we do.

.. Spenalzo out of here. Spenalzo.So you just take your Mr. You cannot count him. -No.two in San Francisco.. He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him..... one in Phoenix. 12.right here in this house and buried them in the cellar? That's wonderful. .. they got 12. they got 12. Johnny. You got 12. . I've got 13. Phoenix? -The filling station. one in Melbourne. Two in Johannesburg. ... Arizona.. . one in Sydney. He died of pneumonia. -Filling. That makes 13...and they stay right here in Brooklyn. Johnny! We've been chased all over the world. You cannot count the one in South Bend. Then the first one in London. Three in Chicago and one in South Bend. and they do just as good as you do. What? You got 12.. There's Mr. You've done all that. -Thirteen.. Don't brag.

but only you can help me.. Just one more. Dr. I'm sorry to have dragged you out of bed.. The pixies won't be out till after midnight. I'll be right back. And I've a pretty good idea who it is. . All I need is one more. I wouldn't want to alarm the old ladies. Make yourself comfortable.. Here's the house l--There goes Hoskins. They are. I know Teddy blows bugles..The old ladies is just as good as you are. -Who? What? Did I say. that's easily taken care of.l'm sure you'd be convinced. seeing a doctor. but I can't commit a man just on that. -You better wait. If you'd talk with him. -You wait here... -Here? I'll bring Teddy out. -In the cemetery? It's Halloween. Gilchrist.. This is most irregular. . Pull up a tombstone. That's all. I'm a lucky man to have caught you at home. are they? Well.

50! -What? $22. -Mr. Five more bucks and you'll own it. Do you or do you not love me? How can you say such a thing? Darling. Not so good. Welcome to Washington. is it not? Yes. It wouldn't fit me. . Arlington is beautiful at this time of year. Well now. President. of course I love you. No. may I present--Dr. Livingstone! -Livingstone? -That's what he presumes. -Did you give him a 21-gun salute? -Yes. so good. looks good on you! Not the suit.50." $22. $22.50! Oh. that's that. So far. the meter! "Looks good on me. yes. The doctor would like to have a few words with you. -Do you? -Yes. with a Maxim silencer. indeed. darling.-Hey. Certainly. thanks. It gives me a chance to rest.

Just because Teddy's strange. -What are you talking about? -Well.Then why have you been treating me the way you have? Darling. I can't go through with our marriage. -Of course... but it's only a matter of time. Darling. I'll run for a third term. I don't quite know. It's way back before Teddy.. Have you suddenly gone crazy? I don't think so.. insanity runs in my family. . -That's what you think. would you want to have children with three heads? You wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell.. Doctor. that doesn't mean-No. Darling. It practically gallops. That'll mean the last of the Roosevelts in the White House. You know how in those days the lndians used to scalp the settlers? He used to scalp the lndians. This goes back to the first Brewster who came over on the Mayflower. but I won't be elected. that's ancient history.. I love you so much. . if the country insists. but you see. I probably should have told you this before. darling.well..

no. you better stop it. all this doesn't prove a thing. Ambassador. drop in to see me at the White House.. What of it? So your family's crazy. All right! We'll find out whose house this is! I'm warning you. I'm crazy too. There's no use doing what you're doing.Darling. even they have their peculiarities. sanest people I've ever known. It'll just have to be undone. No. Aunt Abby.. Goodbye. but kiss me. Well. -Those papers. Thank you. I've enjoyed this little talk very much. -You will? I've just been appointed Ambassador to Bolivia! You see? Didn't I tell you? Don't worry about that. Look at your aunts. That's the way I love you. Papers! -I'll commit him to any place. Just go on signing the papers. aren't they? They're the sweetest. -Go away. I. Anytime you're in Washington. They're Brewsters. go to bed! . So you're crazy..

Doctor.. no? You know what Jonathan's doing? He's putting Mr. You know.we're going for the police. Nice and smooth like a lake.. The President will be very proud of his Panama Canal.. Spenalzo in together. All right. Where have you been? Getting some papers signed. You're forgetting.It's a terrible thing to do to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner. If Jonathan and Mr. Spenalzo aren't out this house before morning. Is Teddy in his room? What is the matter with you? Running around getting papers signed at a time like this.. Hoskins and Mr. This is all fixed up nice now. Martha and I are going for the police. I'll get them out. Police! Wait! -You can't go for the police. . Bed feels good already. let him. I promise! -Then you get the wedding silver. . we didn't get any sleep for 48 hours. -Oh.

I think this calls for something special. No! I am tired. go to bed. We'll do it tomorrow. no police! No police! Look. what? . But Johnny. It's a little late to dissolve our partnership. perhaps. huh? The quick twist like in London. But the quick way. Johnny. Mortimer. will you? Get out of those clothes! You look like a double blackout. not tonight! I'm sleepy. the Melbourne method. Or the next day. My brother.-Remember. I know that look. Doctor. Not the Melbourne method. I just heard him upstairs. Okay. You are going to operate tomorrow. Look at me. Doctor. I think. please! Two hours! And then when it was all over. You forget. No. we'll do it. Doctor. You can see that it's got to be done. Okay. I got to operate on your face tomorrow. But tonight we are taking care of Mortimer. can't you? Yeah.

-I'll put on my signing clothes. I can't hear you. -Please listen to me. President. will you. Mr. A secret proclamation? How unusual. Mr. Hey. I can't hear you. Wait here. Mr. I see! Very clever. What is it. please? -What? Speak up. Mr. A secret proclamation has to be signed in secret. President. Johnny's in a bad mood. it's the only way we can outsmart the other fellow. mice? -You get out of this house. Boy. Get out! -Stop underplaying. Yes. -Of course. -Who's the other fellow? -That's the secret. This must be secret. Oh. So I have.The fellow in London was just as dead as the fellow in Melbourne. -Can't you see I'm busy? Thank you. What a load off my mind. President. . Brewster. could I use a drink! -Get out of here. President. Get out. Don't do that. Mr. But I cannot sign anything without consulting my Cabinet. You already have them on.

But.. please. little fellow. Don't those plays you see all the time . Doc-.. but you go now.. Please. -My schnapps.Are you really a doctor? Yes. You beat it before things start popping around here. Doctor! You get out of here! Look. I'll take care of him. Brewster.. Please go now. -That's mine. Please. Heidelberg? How'd you hook up with Jonathan? I tell you later about that. -Get out of here! -Will you stop it? Stop telling me about Jonathan. You've just been married. Only for dramatic critics. when Johnny's in that mood. 1919. . look. He's a maniac! And then things happen. -What's that? Wait. Get going. Stop it. Heidelberg. Horrible things.Stop all this! What are you doing? Look. You have a nice little wife waiting for you. Please listen to me.he's a madman. You take care of yourself. Mr. -I could use that.

At least people in plays act like they got sense. Did anybody in a play ever act like they got intelligence? -How can somebody be so stupid? -You ought to have my job. he doesn't. There's a play that's so bad..teach you anything? Don't get me on the subject of plays! I've got to wait for Mr. it'll still be running when you get out. have yourself wheeled to the Garrick Theater. What do you think they tied him up with? The curtain cord. He's even been warned to get out.. The murderer even invites him to sit down. He knows he's in the house with murderers and should know he's in danger. And does he go? No. . Isn't that great? So there he is. Witherspoon. -What do you think he does? -I don't know. There's a man.. When you get out of prison. all waiting to be trussed up and gagged. He stays! This fellow doesn't even have sense to be scared or to be on his guard. He sits down! He deliberately pulls up a chair and he sits down in it. Now listen to this.

. . This fellow's supposed to be bright. Large as life! He sits there waiting to be tied up and gagged. In Melbourne one night. brother Heidelberg. in a play or even in a movie. were you out of my mind. Later on. All he has to do is look around. Look at the attitude. Now get a load of this.a fellow never sees or hears anything.Curtain cord? But didn't he see him get it? No. Please. But what does he do? The big chump sits there.. But never. . the quick way. Yes. The silly chump sits down with his back toward the murderer. you may consider that a blessing. I've been away for 20 years.. . Now.. That's right... my dear brother. Doctor. Mortimer. I dreamt of you. Johnny. He wasn't very bright. The more you struggle the more you strangle yourself. The big dope! You were right about that fellow.we go to work. for me.. but does he? No! See..

But I can't pull myself together without a drink. please. One moment. That's all. And then they took it. Mortimer. we're performing before a very distinguished critic. dead brother. I'll split it with you. Let's get it over with.-This must be an artistic achievement. We drink to you. We both have a drink before we operate. Here. I realize now that it was you who brought me back to Brooklyn. Please! All right. But I cannot see this without the drink. there was some wine. Where are your manners? Yes. To my dear. After all. That idiot! -He goes next. Pull yourself together. You remember when we came in. I am so happy that we don't have to operate without a drink. He goes next! -Not Teddy! Please! . Where did they put it? I found some wine. -Please.

. The quick way. Like a flash. I'll help you. In the second act.. The colonel has to quit blowing that horn.. -What happened to him? -Nothing. out of a clear sky. They practically stole that from my play. It's all right.-We'll get to him later. He was explaining a play he saw and that's what happened to a man in the play. then the quick way. . We're taking the bugle away from him. sure. I'd better talk to him myself. just-Maybe I'd better start at the beginning. -You won't at all! We have to work fast.the door opens and a man with a mustache comes in. Yeah. yes! If it has to be. Where's the lights? You stood me up! I've been waiting for you for over an hour at Kelly's.. Did that really happen in a play you saw? How do you like that? You can't trust nobody. The quick way. . I see. You've got to hear the plot! My mother's making up.

. Well. All of a sudden. The scene changes. casual-like.. Growing into a magnificent specimen. What an effect! Firemen rush in and who's leading them? Mayor Fiorello La Guardia! What's the matter with him? -Probably your play put him to sleep. will you marry me?" That's the first scene. a fire breaks out.. see? Little do I know it.. I'm in great danger. ain't it? I can see it in your eyes. It's getting you. -What? -I personally like it very much. So what do I do? I join the police force and become one of New York's finest. "Miss Peaches La Tour. That's the surprise! What a kick! Twenty-five years pass.. .but a dope fiend with a knife is after me. -Where have I seen that face before? -No. . My mother doesn't say they're married. It's an evolving stage. there's me. in the meantime. You ain't heard nothing yet. I'm cleaning out a crooked laundry. -It's probably over his head. I'm walking along my beat.He says.. please.

That's the one that ran away. -The colonel blew that bugle again. -He's going to help me write my play. I figures I'll outsmart him. Get me Mac.when a guy that I'm following. -Johnny. Why didn't you ring in? The whole force is out looking for you. -I heard him. Right in the middle of the second act. The Lieutenant's on the warpath. boys... Now. So he came back.braces myself against the wall and I says: "Come in! " Hello. so I pulls out my gun.. Brewster's brother.. it turns out he's following me! Don't let nobody in. the cops! I sees the door handle turn. My play put him to sleep. we came to warn the old ladies.. Did they send you here? No. He says we've got to put him away someplace. -There's a vacant house on the corner. The neighbors are phoning in. -Do you have to tie him up? Report in. Brophy. -What the Sam Hill's going on? -Sarge. who the heck is this? Mr. . this is Mortimer Brewster.. ..

Thirteen bodies. Brewster. was it? Tell the Lieutenant he can call off the big manhunt. I suppose you and my stool-pigeon brother will split the reward. Mr. Brewster. -Wait a minute. -I'll show them to you. Yes. -Come down to the cellar. Shall we bring him in? All right. we'll hold him right here. I better let them know that I found you. You think my aunts are sweet. Mr. 13. At the Brewster house. -Don't make trouble for them! Never mind. We found him.Have you got yourself in a mess! You're two hours overdue at the station. . So I've been turned in? All right. don't you? Well. Your aunts are friends of ours. charming old ladies. reward! Now I'll do some turning in! Wait a minute. The Lieutenant is on his way over. there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar! Yes. It wasn't that bad. you've got me. Leave him to me. Be careful what you say.

I'll tell you the rest of my play later. Pat. . Go on and fight. Well. -Go on down the cellar with him. that's enough. Don't bother me now. Let me tell you-I'll see you later. look. -Do I have to? Look at that puss. look out! Amazing. Amazing. come to the cellar. I got something better. -Go to the cellar with him. do I have to? Maybe I don't want to go down to the cellar. That's enough.I'll show you where they're buried. Pat! -Look out! -He's got a gun. I got him. Go on down the cellar with him! Now. Such a fine day. please. All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. -Yes. Pat. too. You could use this in the third act. Don't! Sarge! Look out. Everybody off. Look out! Fight. He looks like Boris Karloff.

I'll get every one of you! I hate cops. fight. That won't have any effect. Wish I could relax like that. please. Thank you very much. Lieutenant! -We were just acting in self-defense.The papers are all signed. I'll brain the first one that comes near me! A little higher.. Get him. -This is his brother who tried to kill O'Hara. . Don't do that. Turn him over. -What happened? He put up a fight? This isn't the one who blows the bugle. I've tried it before-It did. Pat. -All I said was he looked like Boris Karloff.. dear. What do I care? Go ahead. Boris. That's fine. What has occurred? Never mind! Didn't I tell you I'd handle this? Well.. I'd better call and see if Witherspoon has left. brother. -Come in. Telephone. -Witherspoon. Kind of think he's wanted somewhere. Isn't that amazing? Oh.

That's my brother. Certainly. . "He looked like Karloff. I want to-Where have you been all night? Don't tell me.You "kind of think he's wanted somewhere"? If you guys can't look at the circulars we put up.. About my not ringing in.. Now go on. In lndiana! He escaped from the prison for criminally insane... . . pal. He's a lifer. He's wanted. He says 13 bodies are there. Bring him to and find out where his accomplice is. The guy who helped him escape.and that don't tip you off the guy's from a nuthouse? Thanks.you can at least read short detective stories. too... You're suspended.." Why'd you knock him out? He tried to get us to go to the cellar. he's wanted. I was right here writing a play with Mortimer Brewster. That's the way they described him. You're going to have a long time on that play. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.. Report in.

Here. Take him out and bring him to. You're forgetting that as President I am also head of the Secret Service. This is a spy. you've blown your last bugle. I've been after these guys for 48 hours. -Hey. I want to question him. Get this gu y out of here. Colonel. . Nothing to eat. I'm Mortimer Brewster. Falling for a story like that! Thirteen bodies buried in the cellar. Dear me! Another yellow-fever victim? All the bodies in the cellar are yellow-fever victims. -Questioning of spies is my department. Who are you? What's your name? Usually. Colonel. But there are 13 bodies in the cellar! -Who are you? -I'm President Roosevelt. Howdy. -What the blazes is this? -He's the one that blows the bugle. No wonder Brooklyn's in the shape it's in. We caught him at the White House. No sleep. No. But I'm not myself today. keep out of that. With flatheads like you on the force. you. Colonel.

No arguments. I'm liable to think anything. No arguments. Read this. Any offers? I'm Mr. . take it easy. He's scaring the neighbors with that bugle. Teddy's going to go to Happy Dale tonight. Just a minute. I have come to get a Brewster. no argument. He's got to be put away. I know just how you feel. started a murder rumor. I knew this would end up in a nuthouse! We like to think of it as a rest home. -Why not? He signed it Theodore Roosevelt! -Is your taxi engaged? -Losing dough every minute. Last year there was a crazy guy. Witherspoon of Happy Dale Sanitarium. Captain. Witherspoon.You're his brother. And that cockeyed story about 13 bodies being-I've been without sleep for 48 hours. -As long as he's going someplace. There's people dumb enough to believe that. Look. I would like you to drive us back to the sanitarium. -I'm waiting for Mr. I had to dig up a half acre plot before I could prove--What's this? -What's the matter? -These papers aren't any good.

-What is this? Come on! -He's come to. Let me explain. The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt. Witherspoon is here.Mr. Think what that would mean to the safety of the nation! -No. Take away the "B" and what have you got? -Rooster. Supposing the spy steals this document and finds the name Roosevelt on it. it's chicanery." Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department. all I got to get is Witherspoon. Brewster? Mr. -And what does a rooster do? -Crows. He's ready to talk. -That's fine. Now. I'm so glad to see you. This is fun. . -Code for Roosevelt? -Take the name Brewster. -Hold him till I get there. Never mind! Give me that pen. -It crows! Where do you hunt in Africa? -On the veldt! -There you are! "Crowsveldt. That's all right! Do that again for me. You will take good care of Teddy? -Best of care of him.

. Why? To take him away? Never. You never can tell. You will personally see that Teddy's happy at Happy Dale? -He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. secretly. Taxicabs. I have one waiting now. -That's good. You do? It must be a nice place.And no wagon when he leaves. It's a dramatization of many incidents that have happened at Happy Dale. never. We always. I've never been there. He'll be very happy at Happy Dale. You know. I shan't mind. Witherspoon.. Captain! Captain! I want you to read this carefully. This is a particularly happy moment for me tonight. It means a great deal to me. -The woods are full of them. -A pamphlet about Happy Dale? -No... I sometimes envy some of our patients. it's a play. this is Mr. Something I've been working on. -I've never met a dramatic critic before. I want you to be just as harsh as you like. you know-Captain. I have here something that will explain what we're trying to do.

Mr..-Come. It's Mr.. Bully! Bully! Wait right here. Isn't it wonderful? Charge! . Goodbye. Is he trying to move into the White House before I've moved out? Who. Now you can take him away. Aunt Abby. I have good news for you. This is Captain Rooney. -What is this? No. The police? I'm sure! Here are the papers. you got it wrong. Let's see. -Is this March 4? -Practically. this isn't Mr. I must get started immediately. your guide to Africa. Witherspoon.. I'll bring down my equipment. President? Taft! No. Mr. Taft. Happy man. President. Aunt Martha. Your term of office is over. all signed. my boy. I'm on my way to Africa. I'll be in my office vetoing some bills. Now I go on my hunting trip to Africa! Well.

he can't go now! We won't permit it. he's come to take him. we're going.It's all right. let's be sensible. And Happy Dale is full of staircases. Here I am wasting my time when I could be doing some serious work. You've come to meet Teddy. jealousy. There are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn. -I'm sorry. Teddy's been blowing his bugle again. We promise to take his bugle away from him. indeed? It's sweet of them. too! -Yes. Dissension. Oh. . dear. Now. No. The law is the law! Teddy's committed himself and he's got to go. -If he's going. You could arrange that. How can you allow this? You promised. but impossible. Just put them in and they'll get all mixed up. These little sane people will get lost in the shuffle. Brewster's got nothing to do with this. -We won't be separated from Teddy. I've got it. Too dangerous. Why not? Why not. haven't you? No. We never take sane people at Happy Dale. you'll have to take us with him. ladies.

you wouldn't have to dig. .. -How about it? -I'll be right there. Mortimer. He's been a little strange all day..and we'll get them all together.. You just ask our nephew. Captain! -What is this? -You mustn't mind Mortimer.It ain't only his bugle blowing. The graves are all marked. Things are going to get worse. -I'll look in that cellar. Our cellar? Teddy's been telling around there's 13 bodies buried in the cellar. . You know very well there are Certainly there's 13 bodies in the cellar. And there are hundreds more up in the attic. No. Charge! Isn't that amazing? You behave yourself. -I'll tell you what we'll do. There are 13 bodies in our cellar. What? Yes. and we'll send them to Happy Dale. I'll bring my bodies from the attic and you get yours from the cellar. Right now I wouldn't know what is and what ain't strange anymore.. We're liable to have to dig up your cellar.

-We put flowers on them every Sunday.. Don't you think you can find room for the ladies? Just the ladies? Just the ladies! -How about it? -They'd have to be committed. far away "There is a Happy" He got it.. -Certainly. -Flowers? Sure. -He got married today. -But the other 12 are our gentlemen. None of mine are gentlemen. -You mustn't mind him at all. Teddy committed himself. I put neon lights on mine. -Your gentlemen? You'd like mine better. There's one down there.. we'll sign the papers. Humor them. humor them. Spenalzo. Hasn't got it yet. . Where are they? .who doesn't belong here and has to leave.. Smile. "There is a Happy Dale far. If we can go with Teddy. a Mr. It's amazing. Couldn't they? -All they have to do is sign the papers.

ladies. I'm so sorry. It's absolutely compulsory that we have the signature of a physician. Doctor? -Yes. -A doctor? -Yes. Yes. Sign them up. Maybe I can understand him. please. please. -Were you leaving. -Here? -Yes. Especially since they won that old pennant thing. -Good night. Einstein almost operated on me earlier. here. Oh. dear. Dr. Come along. right here. will you? I want this all cleaned up. Dr. Just sign right here. The neighborhood here has changed so. -Come here. It's on the right-hand side there. I'm really looking forward to going. Einstein. Now. Doctor. Ladies. We've overlooked something. Dr.I have them. A doctor. . please. Einstein! Come here and sign some papers. I'm going out to talk to that spy. please. if you'll sign right here. Doctor. Thirteen bodies in the cellar.

It's your turn. Okay. But Dr. We picked up that guy that's wanted in lndiana. You've done Brooklyn a great service. The doctor has completed the signatures. It's contagious. Mac. His accomplice's description is on the circular. That's great! Thanks. Poses as a doctor. . -Don't play games--You sign. Hello. Einstein! -Now. on the desk. It's all right. I'm Brewster. Mac. Talks with a German accent.Aren't you going to wait for Jonathan? I don't think we go to the same place. Thanks. Mr. yes. Mr. Pop eyes. Witherspoon--You're Witherspoon. One hundred and forty pounds. Witherport. Why didn't you say so? I'm all confused. Read it to me. You sign as next of kin. Doc. will you? About 40. Don't mind me. Five-foot-three.

-Spoon. -Well. Well. dear. Einstein--But it's not his signature. -What's wrong about that. Mortimer. you signed as next of kin. -Mine? You see. dear? -You're not really a Brewster. Duffel? Pack his duffel. Now. Don't charge! We're really very worried about something. President. We're very happy about the whole thing. -Here. you tell him. -Me too. -What? -Your mother came to us as a cook. don't be worried. -What. We don't want anything to go wrong. Come up and pack my duffel. darling. He's President. darling? -Martha. of course. darling. You'll both be very happy at Happy Dale. Will they investigate those signatures? -They won't look up Dr. but that's just it. And you were born . -It's yours. you know? And bring along my bugle. dear.

So brother married her. Where are you? Can you hear me? I'm not really a Brewster! I'm the son of a sea cook! It's true! I saw them. Quiet! -But. I really did see-- . -Goodbye. And she was such a sweet woman and such a good cook.. I'm sure it won't make any difference to Elaine. You mean I'm not really a Brewster? -Darling! -Don't feel so badly about it. too. It's true! There are 13 bodies down there! But I saw them-What's all this screaming about? -But I saw them--It's way past her bedtime. Mortimer--Goodbye! -'Bye.we didn't want to lose her.about three months afterwards. Your real father was a cook. . It's true. They're off to a flying start. darling! -What is all this? -They're going on their honeymoon.... He was a chef on a tramp steamer.

I'm a coffeepot! More Movie Scripts This website. love.You'll own two cabs! I mean the meter! Oh. Charge! I'm not a cabdriver. But. Mortimer. We're going to Niagara Falls. dear. Call me a cab. its operators. and all content contained on this site relating to The Simpsons is not authorized by 20th Century FOX™ . Yes. I'm a son of a sea cook. Brewster! I'm not a Brewster. Mr.

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