You are on page 1of 4

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER 4 Wars


Learning Objectives
All war is deception. Sun Tzu

What are The 4 wars?


? Understand what

The 4 Wars are Have an ? overview of The 4 Wars as a self coaching and coaching process See why we use ? The 4 Wars nugget Comprehend ? how to use The 4 Wars nugget

There are four wars. 1st WAR: The first war is the war in the mind. 2nd WAR: The war in the mind becomes the war with who we are. 3rd WAR: The war with ourselves becomes the war with others. 4th WAR: The war with each other becomes the war with reality. We are at war! The war starts and ends in our minds. The mind labels everything. Each label has a concept attached to it. We judge those concepts and go to war with some. The mind projects its concepts and judgements onto the world, and so the inner struggle is projected into the world and into relationships. Why do we use The 4 Wars nugget? If you are finding difficulties with relationships, or with life, find the source of the trouble. The source is in the origin of the struggle, which is the war within and from the mind. How do we use The 4 Wars nugget? Look for where the mind has taken a plus (bigger than) or minus (smaller than) stand against something. That's the war. Work with the mind and the beliefs that are holding that mental position, challenge the mental position that keeps you there and move to an equal to place to end the war. All wars have their root in forgetting that we are whole. They are mental struggles to fill up our mental and emotional illusionary "holes" with things we are trying to find in the external world. The mental and emotional resources that we go to war for hold us to ransom. The "drugs" of happiness, love, approval, recognition, security, freedom, belonging and peace... all of the experiences we seek externally are really like drugs. We can't get enough. We will go to war to continue and to secure our supply. We only go to war for fear and desire. We only fear and desire because we forget we are whole.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER 4 Wars part 1


Learning Objectives
All war is deception. Sun Tzu

A 4 Wars example:
? Comprehend

how to use The 4 Wars nugget continued

William is born into a family that loves food. Every happy occasion, celebration involves eating a lot of rich, sugar and carb based food. When William does well at school his father rewards him with chocolate. As a teenager his coming of age is celebrated with allowing him to drink alcohol, which his family enjoys and uses as a way to relax and have fun. William's mind has made the mental associations with a number of experiences and qualities. Fun, relaxation, belonging and happiness = food and drink. Where the mind has associated an inner state of being (happiness, relaxation, belonging, and fun) with any external source (in this case food and alcohol) the mind becomes addicted. Why? Because it seeks to find more of the inner states through external sources. Like Pavlov's dog, the mind becomes programmed with these associations. They also become the root of the 4 wars. In our example, let's say that William reinforces this conditioning throughout his adult life, his health starts to suffer and he develops diabetes. This worries him a lot and he starts to eat well and exercise more. But despite the fear of a serious health threat, he cannot seem to stop himself binge drinking at parties, and eating excessively, especially when he's stressed and craving relaxation, a deeper sense of belonging, fun and happiness. He does not see that belonging, fun, happiness and all inner experiences are who he is. He doesn't see that he is whole and complete. His mind is programmed to believe that he needs these drugs to supply him with these aspects of being. And so the war begins. He fights with himself, feels guilty often, struggles with conflict between the two mental positions. The one mental position is trying to find permanent belonging, fun, happiness and relaxation, but his mind believes it does not have these things without the presence of food and alcohol. The other mental position is trying to stop eating and drinking excessively because of the many destructive consequences of these actions, including diabetes. These inner wars are common to us all. We have deeply ingrained, unconscious beliefs and programs (conditioning) driving our actions because of our ignorance that we are whole. And then we have logic and reason speaking for another position, trying to control and stop the other "part" of us. There are really no parts to us, but it can feel that way when we have different inner perspectives at war with each other. And so life becomes a series of battles. Some are won by the conditioning; some are won by the other perspective. Battles of the mind are fought and lost daily, each taking their toll, stealing energy, causing destruction to the self-esteem and damage in their wake. If you have ever felt inner struggle, tension, pushing and pulling towards and away, pain in relationships, pain in life's disappointments and trials, then look deeper for the war in the mind, it is there.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER 4 Wars part 2


Learning Objectives
All war is deception. Sun Tzu

? Comprehend

how to use The 4 Wars nugget continued

In our example William in now firmly in the war with the mind. His mind has projected qualities that belong in him, onto external sources like food and alcohol. And so he can never be happy, or relaxed for long without a supply of these. Now when he looks at himself in the mirror, he projects the inner struggle into his self-image. He starts to not like parts of himself. He starts seeking belonging by being kind to others, hoping they will like him and give him a feeling of belonging. The 2nd war, with his self-image has taken root. In the world of relationships, he has a lens through which he sees all other people. He sees them through the lens of this inner war. The mind measures and judges based on how much fun, happiness and belonging others can supply. They become his food and alcohol too. He seeks relationships that allow freedom for his cravings and unconsciously judges people who restrict his supply. Relationship problems arise from the demands of these inner wars. And so the 3rd war arises (the war with others). All still based on the 1st war. Finally he seeks solace in a bigger reality. He seeks a spiritual source of the same things that he has struggled to find in the world. He noticed that relationships, food and alcohol only provide temporary supplies and that their price is high. So he now projects his needs onto a higher, bigger spiritual reality. Still seeking for something that can only be found in himself. He struggles with a world that holds opposites of his cravings. The opposite of happiness is sadness. The opposite of fun for him is hard stressful work. The opposite of belonging for him is not getting attention and feeling unloved or excluded. These opposites become the "enemies" of his personal war. When reality dishes up experiences that wake these opposites, these enemies, he feels a lot of emotional pain. He is at war with the enemies, trying to kill them. He rejects his own inner sadness. He fights against feeling unloved and makes a lot of physical effort to be included and loved. He goes to war with the "reality" of sadness, aloneness, not belonging, stress, hard work, and all similar qualities. He prays for more happiness, for ways out of the pain. He binge drinks, eats food that threatens his life, fights with loved ones when he sees the enemies in them. For most of us, this story is life. William's mind has made specific associations of happiness, relaxation, fun and belonging, and created the enemies that threaten these sacred drugs. We all have our own mental associations and conditionings, we all have our own drugs and the enemies of these drugs.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com

COACHING i n t e r n a t i o n a l

NUGGET

Empowering you to Empower Others!

ILS EMPOWER 4 Wars part 3


Learning Objectives
All war is deception. Sun Tzu

Here is a list of common drugs and enemies:


? Comprehend

how to use The 4 Wars nugget continued

DRUG Being right Control Being liked Being clever Being attractive Looking Slim Fun Freedom Success Special Different Logic Security Trust Power Peace Hidden Belonging Love Etc.

ENEMY Being wrong Out of control Not being liked Being stupid Being unattractive Looking Fat Boredom Trapped Failure Ordinary Sameness Emotion Insecurity Distrust Powerless Conflict Visible Not Belonging Not being loved

The mind forms its beliefs and positions and until we investigate these conditionings, to challenge them and inquire into the deeper truth, the wars enslave us. Trying to change reality, others or ourselves; to end the war is futile. Trying to end war 4, 3, or 2 is impossible, because all wars that started in the mind can only end in the mind. Like a house of cards, pull out the conditioning; end the war in the mind and all the other wars collapse on their own. Suddenly the inner peace is all pervading. Our wholeness is known and lived and we can then see it in our world too. The drugs are not things that can be found, they are states of being. They are who we are, not what we can ever find. Imagine knowing this. Imagine not depending on the world or others to be all you were born to be! To be and know that you are whole. Seek out the actions and thoughts that contradict the truth that you are whole, and you will find your inner war. Spot the: trying, lack, struggle, stress, contraction, tension, worry, clinging, need, compulsive behaviour, guilt, closing, withdrawing, exaggerating, judgements.... any pushing and pulling, and you have found your wars. Assert your wholeness to your own mind. Don't just believe it, argue, dig, investigate and inquire until you uproot the limiting beliefs that keep you from knowing that you are already all that you seek, all that you need, whole and complete.

Written by Colleen-Joy Page Copyright 2011 www.innerlifeskills.com