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³Stand Up´ Tag Line: ³Comedy isn¶t always funny.´ Episode One: ³Dale´ By M. L. Zambrana
SCENE ONE²EXT. Fish Market, London
It is Thursday night. A young man, dressed in a black leather jacket with a brown scarf around his neck, is leaning over a metal railing and smoking a cigarette. He stares down into the dark water of the river below him and from time to time flicks his ashes. His gaze follows them down to the water. He is speaking to himself in a low voice,
changing and repeating himself with different inflections to his voice.
DALE (mumbling) Then the next day, I get a call« Then I got a call the next day« So the phone rings the next morning, and I answer it. (Hiss) No, you stand there like an idiot. Of course you answer it! Okay. So the phone rings the next morning, and it¶s my girlfriend. She
VOICE OF GREG Oy!
Dale turns as someone shouts to him.
VOICE OF GREG Dale! Come on, they¶ve sent the next load up. Let¶s get to work.
Dale stands up and takes one last drag on his cigarette, then flicks it up and over the railing. He turns and jogs back towards the entrance to the market.
SCENE TWO²INT. Fish Market, London
Dale removes his jacket and scarf in the locker room and hurries to his work area. GREG EVERETT gives Dale a nod and a smile, and the two men begin to work together, sealing and stacking boxes.
DALE It¶s about time they sent us something. I was beginning to think the ocean ran out of fish.
GREG If the boys on the other end actually started to do some work, maybe we¶d get out of here on time for a change. (Pauses and smiles) Just a theory, you understand.
DALE I say they start testing that theory, myself. Damn. (Checks his watch) I¶ve got to be out of here in twenty minutes, or I¶ll never make it across town in time.
GREG Oh, that¶s right. It¶s Friday. Martin¶s tonight, is it?
DALE Yes, indeed. You coming again?
GREG No, I was just there last week, remember? But Tom and Dennis said they were going, though. They¶ve got a thing for that one waitress«
I¶ll be sure to do that. DALE Greg. DALE poses and pretends to hold a champagne glass in his hand as he speaks in a snobbish tone. so count us out on that. I know. Why can¶t you play the more fancy establishments more often? DALE Yea. I hate to ask this again.4 Debbie. . just as soon as I get my movie contract signed. that one. Someone actually stood up and took a piss in a glass at the next table. but can you at least try and make it to the second show? The audience turns nasty at that hour and I really need a cheering section. And she¶s never going back to Baxter¶s again. all right? But you know my wife doesn¶t like those little dives. GREG She¶s something to look at. by the way. GREG I¶ll try.
my agent and I. and I can¶t be picky about when and where it comes. We start filming next week² VOICE OF CO-WORKER Shut up and get back to work. then resumes his work with Greg. Welcome to a new level of hell. (Pause) Tonight is the last gig I¶ll be able to do until next Thursday. DALE I need stage time anywhere I can get it. Although the production company has met our demands on every other level. GREG Ha! And how did you get pulled in to that? DALE . Karen and I are going up to my brother¶s house for the weekend. Dale turns and gives the owner of the voice a nasty look.5 DALE We¶re holding out for more money at the moment. I now have my own limousine and driver. unfortunately. designer suits. (Pause) My sister will be there as well. by the way.
huh? Is that your excuse for sticking with Karen? DALE Hey. The strangers display a variety of . then throws it back at him. His attention flickers from one group of people to another as the taxi slows down and speeds up. too. The two men toss it back and forth. then Greg sets it aside and they continue working. but that¶s about the only reason for me to be anywhere around the bitch. that¶s my girlfriend you¶re talking about! Dale picks up an empty box and throws it at Greg. I love Caroline. London Night Dale stares out the window of the cab at the streets and watches the pedestrian and motor traffic with a blank look on his face. Taxi Cab. GREG Love. who laughs and catches it. DISSOLVE SCENE THREE²INT. He¶s my brother and I love him.6 It¶s what Roger wants.
Dale rushes up to her.7 emotions²a group of five men and women are laughing together. DALE Hello. Martin¶s Pub Night Dale ENTERS Martin¶s Pub. a couple is screaming at one another on a street corner while others walk by and pretend not to notice. is standing just inside the doorway holding a duffel bag that has clean clothes in it. a small but crowded establishment in downtown London. his girlfriend. KAREN. (Kisses Karen) KAREN Ugh. You smell. love. OPENING CREDITS SCENE FOUR²INT. (Takes the duffel bag from her) I¶ve got to check in with the . a car filled with teenagers passes by with the radio blaring²and Dale watches them all without expression. DALE Hazard of the job.
(Hesitates) You ARE staying. Your sister will be upset if we¶re late. ANDREW You missed my set. Don¶t worry.8 manager. then goes to the sink beside Dale and washes his hands. SCENE FIVE²INT. man. and changes clothes. But we can¶t hang around afterwards. Behind him. okay? (Kisses her again) Business as usual. washes his hands and face in the sink. We have to be leave early tomorrow. I¶ll just do my time and we¶ll leave. I¶m crushed. . fellow performer and friend ANDREW JAMES LeBLANC steps away from the urinal and flushes. aren¶t you? KAREN (With obvious reluctance) Yes. Men¶s Room at Martin¶s Pub Night Dale goes to the lavatory. He tosses his used clothes into a lump on the corner of the sink and studies himself in the mirror. then I¶ll change clothes and be right back. DALE Caroline gets upset even if we¶re early.
J. always the star² . that¶s what. Big important job with an insurance agency. Granted. First! Here. Back then. I had a house. And for what? Enough money to cover my weekly bar tab. you¶ve heard of it? ANDREW I¶ll have you know. a wife. I¶m telling you. I used to work for a living.9 DALE Sorry. I was always the feature act. right? DALE Oh. ANDREW Work? That¶s where you get that thing« uh. it¶s not a posh office gig any more² ANDREW They made me go first tonight. for God¶s sake. kids« a successful career« money« DALE You¶ve still got a career. A. in the Eighties we were making money hand over fist in this business. I¶ve spent nearly twenty years in this business just to be the warm-up act in a hole like this. a car. I had to work later than usual. a paycheck.
That¶s what scares me. What¶s that mean? ANDREW Remember how things were on New Year¶s Eve? Well. DALE Uh-oh. (Pauses and gives Dale a wry look) Good luck out there. DALE I¶ll see what I can do. Dale fishes into the pocket of his old jeans on the sink and pulls out a piece of paper. You¶re right. Andrew gives Dale a friendly punch on the shoulder and Andrew EXITS. are we? I¶m on in a few minutes. tonight it¶s even worse. trust me. I really don¶t need the sob story about the good old days right now. He looks at it .10 DALE We¶re not going in to this again. Just don¶t prod them into a fight tonight. And I know you. They¶re spoiling for one. ANDREW You¶re right. I know. ANDREW Yea.
11 for a second. transition. What¶d you do. My girlfriend calls the next morning. fall in? DALE Jeremy! What the hell are you doing here? DALE grins and gives JEREMY a quick hug. ticks off a few things with his finger. Dale¶s best friend. The door to the men¶s room opens and JEREMY PARKER. DALE Transition. then mutters to himself. . I¶ll use that. My girlfriend calls the next morning« my girlfriend calls the next morning« Dale tucks the list away into the pocket of his clean clothes and stuffs his dirty clothes into the duffel bag. So my girlfriend calls the next morning. (Pauses) That¶s good enough. walks in. JEREMY Karen said you were taking too long.
it¶s great. JEREMY In a dive like this? It¶s a wonder that even your girl comes here with you. I¶m late. I knew that I was doing something wrong. right? Damn. I¶ve got to get out there so I don¶t miss my intro. JEREMY . DALE I didn¶t think that anyone was going to show up tonight. Hey. Anyway. come on. I¶m not a complete shut-in.12 JEREMY Hey. The audience loves that bit about the stoned dentist. DALE Oh. DALE So what are you out on the town for? You have a hot date or something? JEREMY Dating« that requires« two people. I just thought I¶d drop by and see how some of my material is working for you. I get out once in a while.
DALE Hi. Sorry I¶m late. (Points to the duffel bag) Can I take that for you? DALE (Gives Jeremy the duffel bag) Can you handle the fish smell? JEREMY I¶m sure the bag doesn¶t smell any worse than you normally do. PAUL . Dale pats Jeremy on the shoulder and Jeremy nods.13 Sure. Martin¶s Pub Night As they ENTER. Dale and Jeremy separate. SCENE SIX²INT. He pauses by Paul¶s side and looks over at the female performer on the stage. PAUL MARTIN. DALE Smartass. and Dale weaves through the pub crowd to find the manager.
that¶s something. . DALE A. told me they were a bit rowdy tonight. That¶s why I hired her. DALE Well. The comedienne up on stage. PATRICIA WAHL.J. She¶s one of the few women who won¶t take any crap from those animals. (Waves at stage) And she¶s got some backbone to her. She¶s not much to look at. as if it¶s the first time? You¶re next. DALE She any good? PAUL She¶s doing pretty well out there. (Winces and waves one hand in front of his nose) You¶re ripe. I just hope you¶re ready. is near the end of her act. (Pauses and listens to the unfamiliar voice of the comedian onstage) Who¶s up now? PAUL New girl in from the States. but she is funny.14 Oh.
sir« (shades her eyes against the glare of the lights). PAUL (Mutters to himself) Close it out. my God! Better order another round. Oh. Leave µem laughing. We¶re gonna be here for a while. which causes one of the lights in the back of the room to flicker.15 PATRICIA Just one more thing before I go² HECKLER #1 Thank God! HECKLER #2 So when are you going to start being funny? PATRICIA I¶ll start being funny about the time you start attracting women. The audience breaks into heavy laughter. . The manager reaches over to the wall and flicks a light switch. darling. ladies and gentlemen.
that¶s been my time. put your hands together! As soon as Patricia passes around the corner where the other comedians are waiting. ANDREW LeBLANC chuckles and elbows Patricia. Enjoy the rest of the show. PATRICIA All right. PAUL Patricia Wahl! Let¶s hear it for her! Come on.16 Patricia sees the light and gives Paul a quick nod. The audience applauds. ANDREW Who brought the hecklers? . Good night! Patricia puts the microphone back in its stand. she leans against the wall and grunts. then Paul walks up and shakes hands with Patricia as she leaves the stage.
who pretends to be afraid and backs off. but« A light level of laughter fills the room as Dale warms up his routine. who makes his way up to the stage. The heckler that had bothered Patricia earlier. Paul introduces Dale.17 PATRICIA I dunno. (Mimes loading and firing a gun. I was. justice. as a matter of fact.A. smiling to the audience in front of him as he takes over the microphone. but I wish I was packing. then slumps down to the floor) Give µem a little L. opening for Fred Gafford. DALE Wow! It¶s good to be back here at Martin¶s. TOM. is a regular at the club and well-known to the . It¶s nice to look out and see some familiar faces again. It¶s a shame you were all so drunk that you just stayed put µtil this week¶s show. ANDREW (Pretending to be drunk) I was just helpin¶ you out« Patricia glares at Andrew. uh. just here last week. if you know what I mean.
look! Mahogany!´ (mimes humping a chair) Dale¶s remark gets a titter out of the crowd. DALE . who all know that Tom and his friends do little more than sit by the stage and drink as they heckle the performers. and Dale sets his jaw and plants his feet more firmly on the stage.18 performers. You look like a water buffalo trying to mate with the furniture. (His eyes bulge as he pretends to grab something in front of him) ³Oh. lad! You¶re not that funny. TOM Give it up. DALE And you¶re saying that you are funny? The only way you can get a laugh is when you get up from that chair every night. and he breaks in with a comment. Tom sits down as the audience falls silent and looks at him.
someone like you gets their biggest laugh showing off their shortcomings in the lavatory.19 Your wife wishes she could get it that good from someone besides the mailman for a change. Too bad you never woke up. As other patrons try to separate them. Tom stands up and a fight breaks out between Dale and Tom. Oh. Tom¶s boisterous mood begins to turn surly as Dale insult¶s Tom¶s wife. and she wasn¶t half bad. I would¶ve invited you to join in. You¶re not funny at all. DALE The hell I¶m not. but Dale is oblivious to Tom¶s change in attitude. The club becomes a mass . I¶m sorry. You¶re from Dorchester. DALE Of course. Although I had her last night. that¶s redundant. I¶m hilarious and you¶re an inbred idiot. TOM You¶re the one with the shortcomings. they become embroiled in their own fist fights.
20 of bodies as some people hurry away from the action and others hurry towards it. The other comedians gather around the manager and watch the scene before them in amused disbelief. ANDREW What¶s a few broken chairs between friends. Paul closes his eyes and puts one hand on his forehead as the place erupts into chaos. not again. DISSOLVE . Paul goes to the doorway and stares out into the club. PAUL Oh God. Andrew sets one hand on the manager¶s shoulder and smiles. Andrew jumps into the fray and begins to fight as well. eh? With a whoop of excitement.
Roger¶s House Day DALE and KAREN stand side by side and walk up to the front door of Roger¶s house. Pearl. Roger¶s House Day . which is located in a small village in the English countryside. Just ran into a bit of a fight.21 SCENE SEVEN²EXT. She takes their coats as the couple enters. MAID So nothing new. then? DALE Nope. Not at all. that¶s all. MAID Oh. SCENE EIGHT²INT. my! DALE It¶s not as bad as it looks. The door is opened by the maid who glances up at Dale¶s bruised face in surprise.
where there is a glassed-in porch. Went around and asked them if they had any ice. CAROLINE Good lord.22 Dale and Miss Pearl smile at each other. that¶s not funny. DALE Oh. CAROLINE MESKIN is seated in a chair with a glass of champagne in front of her. . CAROLINE Dale. I made a point of it. I certainly hope the neighbors haven¶t noticed you in such a state. it was a bit of a rough crowd last night² CAROLINE I can see that. She stands up and puts one hand to her mouth as she looks at Dale. then Dale takes Karen¶s arm and they proceed down the hallway and to the back of the house. Karen jerks his arm and gives him a look. what happened to you? DALE Ah. staring out through the large windows at the garden.
KAREN We¶ve both been busy. Roger III grins and jumps into Dale¶s arms. ROGER TREMONT III. ENTER. Don¶t spoil it within the first five minutes.23 KAREN Dale. Karen. and my work load at the office has just tripled! I swear it. then sets him down. Dale smiles and twirls him around in a circle. Now. It¶s been so long since the two of you have come up this way. I¶m glad for the opportunity. stop it. I was promoted a few months ago. DALE . but really« YOUNG VOICE Uncle Dale! JANINE TREMONT and her son. we¶re here for a nice quiet weekend. CAROLINE (To Karen) I¶m so glad to see you.
They put you on for a minute. That¶s great. But you were in Vancouver making people laugh. DALE Wow. I am? . DALE Oh. Some kind of documentary special or something. isn¶t it. Roger? ROGER III You¶re a star. JANINE One of the stations was showing clips of comedians. you did? And when was that? ROGER III I don¶t know. Uncle Dale! DALE Oh.24 Roger! How are you? ROGER III I¶m great! I saw you on television.
and a cane leans against the bench beside him. and Janine smiles and hugs Roger III. He said he wanted to see the flowers come up. Where¶s your daddy? ROGER III He¶s in the garden by the tree. He smiles and holds out his hands as Dale approaches.25 ROGER III Yea! DALE Yea! So. Dale kisses Janine on the cheek. then. Karen and Caroline start to talk amongst themselves as Dale EXITS. He has one leg stuck out in front of him in a stiff and unnatural manner. Janine. . tell me. SCENE NINE²EXT. DALE Well. Roger¶s House Day ROGER TREMONT II is seated on a small bench under a tree with his hands on his lap. I¶ll just go out and see what he¶s found.
DALE It¶s a wonder that Caroline hasn¶t brought her gardeners with her to try and rip them out. ROGER It wouldn¶t matter if she did. ROGER Mom¶s flowers are coming up again.26 ROGER Dale! DALE Roger! You made it. It can¶t be done. They separate and Roger points to a small spot of land a few feet away. Just as tenacious as she was. those flowers. Dale sits down beside him and the two men embrace. They¶re Mother¶s lasting legacy. .
(Laughs) You¶re probably right. they¶re good. They¶re« they¶re really good. . Mom and Caroline would be off together on some noble charity missions together. the deadbeat son who never leaves the grounds² ROGER Ah. Dale. (Frowns and rubs his leg again) Although at least I¶d be able to walk properly and play with my son. I¶d still be living here at home. DALE So how are things going for you lately? ROGER Overall. of course. DALE Not that much different. I can¶t help but think how different things would be if Mom and Dad were still around. and you¶d be off pissing it away. don¶t you? (Rubs his leg) It¶s the ten-year anniversary. Dad would be busy making more money. shut up. And. though. probably pulling Karen into the fray as well.27 DALE That¶s for sure. ROGER You do know what this weekend is.
ah« Donna doing these days? ROGER The two of us spent some time at the summer place a month ago. DALE How about. you know. Dale glances back towards the house. then casts a casual but guarded look around the two of them and lowers his voice. DALE . when Janine took the children to France for a week. I¶m not Caroline. We had a marvelous time.28 DALE (Gives him a wary look) Everything all right at work? Money and all that? ROGER (shrugs) Well. I don¶t handle my money like I should. DALE Thank God. It could always be better.
I just pray that one thing or the other works itself out. And then what will you do? ROGER I don¶t know. the audience is rude as hell at those kinds of .29 Janine still doesn¶t know. Same old pubs. same old clubs. He appears insecure for a moment. she never will. a ³Battle of the Bands´ kind of thing last month. Usually. She¶s bound to find out sooner or later²about the state of your finances and about Donna. ROGER So. Roger looks away for a moment to look at the house. how is the entertainment world treating you? Anything new going on in the big city? DALE Not really. then he pushes his thoughts away and smiles again. She¶s not stupid. DALE You know that¶s impossible.C. does she? ROGER No. Hopefully. I did get to M.
Lined up a few more gigs because of it. Intelligent. ROGER You¶re always starving. I¶m starving. demanding. (Stands) Come on. Dale helps Roger stand up and the two men make their way slowly back to the house. you know? They don¶t care about anyone who comes onstage without an instrument. eh? DALE Absolutely. uh« Karen? How is she? DALE Same as always. snotty. too. Let¶s go back up to the house. I¶d shake her off if I didn¶t love having her with me so damn much.30 events²they¶re just waiting for the music. ROGER That¶s wonderful! A little something to keep your career going. . But I got some really good laughs out of them. beautiful. ROGER And.
where Caroline¶s children WILLA and JAMIE are playing by a pond. ROGER . Their nanny is several feet behind them.31 Roger¶s leg moves in an unnaturally stiff way as he walks. DALE And just when are Jamie and Willa a burden to her? Every time I see them. ROGER Dale. they¶re with their nanny. Dale points off in the distance. please try not to get on Caroline¶s nerves so much this time. and he relies heavily on his cane. and it¶s hard on her having only the children around for company. crouched down to their level and talking to them. Tom has been out of the country on business for almost two weeks now. DALE And I wonder what kind of ³business´ he¶s conducting overseas.
If you won¶t behave for Caroline¶s sake. Treat her like you¶d treat Karen. please do it for mine. then he continues his slow pace up to the house alone. But Dale. All right. She knows just what will set me off. I¶ll try. please. At least for the next few days. ROGER Well. DALE All right. That¶s all I ask. I¶ve talked with her about not goading you on. and she goes right for it every time.32 I wonder myself at times. Roger¶s House Night . DALE Since when will that shut her up? Roger pauses and watches as Dale shoves his hands in his pockets and walks on ahead of him. with some respect and appreciation. But you know how she is with me. DISSOLVE TO SCENE TEN²INT.
at least. The children²Roger III. the look on her face suggests that she agrees with Caroline¶s statements more than Dale¶s. CAROLINE When are you going to stop wasting your time and do something with yourself? DALE pushes his chair back and stands up. and she distracts herself with the food rather than have anything to do with the fight. You¶re the very picture of self-restraint. I¶ve not said one word about the way you¶ve chosen to live your life² DALE For the past month. Dale. then begins to pace the room as he combs his fingers through his hair. however. which the others watch with wary resignation. . CAROLINE You¶re such a child.33 The adult members of the Tremont family are seated around the table at the end of the meal. Caroline and Dale are in the midst of another argument. Jamie and Willa²are in the kitchen at their own table. Karen is beside Dale.
I just don¶t understand. if you hadn¶t messed that up. then going cross-town to another club to do another show. And just look at all that time spent in that office job in Birmingham. It ate up the majority of my day and . Caroline. Do you have any idea how hectic a schedule I have. going from work to the club. Why don¶t you get a sensible job? DALE I¶ve tried that. not to mention giving away whatever is left to those deadbeat friends of yours. when I gave regular work a go. and then sometimes doing a third show after that² CAROLINE And no doubt you blow all your money on cabs and drinks at the bar and eating out. DALE I wasn¶t built for that kind of existence. CAROLINE The army could have been a damned fine life for you.34 ROGER (Softly) Dale. please« DALE How can you say that? I work my ass off every day.
You care more about holding up your precious public image. (Glances towards the kitchen at the children¶s table) Although with all your cooks and nannies and housekeepers. It¶s my life. it¶s a wonder you still remember what the children look like while you¶re off campaigning for your causes. it all but destroyed my creativity. not when I have to. (Crosses her arms) And I¶m sure that working with dead fish is helping your ³creativity´ now? DALE I don¶t spend all damned day there. If you were. I work when I want to.35 I barely paid off my bills. instead of being here as a mother« or a wife. I don¶t have a family like you do. Roger gives his brother a baleful look. Roger¶s Guest Bedroom Night . instead of taking these ³extended trips´ of his. Caroline rises from her seat with as much dignity as she can muster and EXITS. The table falls silent. Worse than that. CAROLINE Creativity. SCENE ELEVEN²INT. or all week. I¶ll be that your husband would be here right now. then EXITS.
Don¶t ask me my opinion« especially when you already know what it is. and it¶s so frustrating. I don¶t hate her. I just can¶t take it when she gets so judgmental about what I do. Karen snuggles up to Dale and he curls one arm around her. DALE I¶m sorry. Dale and Karen kiss and hug one another. . I don¶t want to get involved in this feud between you and your sister.36 Karen and Dale lie in bed together. DALE That was a horrible thing to say to her. DALE It just« it seems like we¶ve always been at odds with each other. wasn¶t it? KAREN I really don¶t want to talk about it. I told you a long time ago. then settle back onto the bed.
Patrons are packed into the seating areas and line the bar. consisting of better furniture. Even me. two seating levels and an illuminated oval-shaped bar on the third level at the rear of the room. Gregory¶s Comedy Club Night It is Thursday night. You¶re just very touchy. young lady. Gregory¶s Comedy Club is a more upscale club than Martin¶s. am I? I¶ll show you touchy. DALE Oh. DISSOLVE SCENE TWELVE²INT.37 KAREN You can¶t take it when anyone criticizes you. which connects to the main stage through a door and eliminates the need for the performers to make their way . smoking. drinking and talking. DALE and the other comedians mill around in the backstage area. Dale and Karen begin to make love.
38 through the crowd. DALE What are you listening to? PATRICIA . Sorry to bother you² PATRICIA (Removes her headphones) Oh. Dale sees Patricia in the far corner with a walkman on. PATRICIA Patricia Wahl. DALE I don¶t think we¶ve met. a cigarette²which they partake of every few seconds. Nice to meet you. Some comedians stare at little pieces of paper in their hands. talk to one another in low tones. I¶m Dale Tremont. a glass. DALE Hi. no problem. All of them have something in their hands²a bottle of beer. and he approaches her with a friendly expression. or pace back and forth with blank looks on their faces.
There¶s this South American street band in Chicago²they¶re from somewhere in Chile. DALE Yes. really. DALE Really? It¶s all happened to you? PATRICIA: . heavy metal. though. Music makes for a nice escape. I only take stuff that¶s happened to me and then weave that into my act.39 Something I picked up before I left the States. Although it¶s kinda like cheating. nostalgia. PATRICIA Thanks. Kinda cool. DALE You like world music. I think²and they play modern music on their native instruments. Bocelli is about the only exception to that rule. I caught the end of your act at Martin¶s. classic rock. You had some terrific bits last week. big band« anything but opera and rap. World music. alternative. then? PATRICIA I¶ll listen to pretty much anything.
PATRICIA .40 Sure. Since then the word has been: ³Don¶t talk to Dale. most of the time.´ DALE Karen never said anything about it. ³Hey. I can¶t help but thinking I¶ve seen you around before. It keeps other comedians from saying. You know. DALE Huh. that¶s my line!´ Well. actually. That¶s very clever. but I¶ve kind of stayed away from you deliberately. anyway. No offense or anything. PATRICIA I¶ve been living here for about six months now. DALE Why is that? PATRICIA Because rumor has it that you¶ve got a very beautiful and a very jealous girlfriend. She had a fight with someone in the bathroom at Martin¶s a while back.
then approaches Dale.41 Of course not. I believe. PATRICIA I¶m trying to get all the bad jokes out of my system before I go on. . She glances suspiciously at the other woman as she disappears around the corner. that American working the circuit. KAREN Who was that? DALE (Waves a hand) Ah. I¶ve got my head in my routine already. (Looks to her right) Uh-oh. now that¶s funny. by the way. (Hesitates. then smiles and waves one hand by his head) Didn¶t catch her name. Patricia EXITS as KAREN ENTERS the hallway. DALE Oh. What¶s more unrefined than a catfight in the women¶s room? (Leans forward) I heard it was a real loo-loo. I¶m afraid. She was at Martin¶s last week. Speaking of« I¶ll catch you later.
I¶ve got to be back at Martin¶s tomorrow. Okay. then. I¶ll see you after the show. love. I¶ll see you later. . then. KAREN Actually.42 Karen nods and the suspicious look fades from her face. I was thinking of going straight home afterwards. I should be back by midnight. KAREN I¶ve got to go and get a seat. DALE Oh. This place is really packed tonight. Well. I¶ll see you after I¶m through at Stan¶s. so I don¶t plan to stay out very late. otherwise I¶ll be sitting out on the curb. I¶m a little tired. DALE That¶s for sure. KAREN That¶s good. All right.
DALE Aw. Dale emerges from the backstage area and shakes hands with the COMEDIAN. (Routine to be inserted later. depending on the particular comedic style and material of the actor playing Dale). introduces Dale. and Karen EXITS. then walks off. Stan¶s Club Night . SCENE FOURTEEN²EXT. damn. Dale begins to pace the hallway along with the other performers. then steps up to the microphone and begins his comedy routine. Dale throws the number back in the hat and holds up one finger. DISSOLVE SCENE THIRTEEN²INT. Numbers are drawn out of a hat.C.43 Karen and Dale kiss. of the night. and Dale finds himself assigned as the first person up that night. Gregory¶s Comedy Club Night The M. another COMEDIAN. then everyone gathers in one corner.
44 Dale walks up to the front door of Stan¶s Club. JEREMY PARKER and ANDREW LeBLANC are leaning against the wall of the club. ANDREW . Jeremy spots Dale and gets a worried look on his face as he steps towards him. to Andrew) What the hell are you doing? We¶ve got a gig in twenty minutes. They¶ve cancelled the show tonight. and you¶re already smashed! ANDREW Why shouldn¶t I be? Haven¶t you heard? We¶re out. but Dale¶s attention is on Andrew. DALE What are you talking about? JEREMY I¶ve been trying to get in touch with you all day. who is obviously intoxicated. talking to one another. JEREMY There you are! I² DALE (Angrily.
Can you believe it? DALE Karaoke? ANDREW Yes. but everyone¶s booked. DALE (To Jeremy) Is he serious? JEREMY I tried to line you up with another engagement tonight. There¶s nothing anywhere. . We¶re on the verge of extinction.45 Right. indeedie-do. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a few sheets of paper. We¶re one-man bands without a tune. DALE (Disappointed) You¶re sure? Jeremy nods. Made it a karaoke night instead of a comedy night. Comedians are becoming the joke. my friend. then hands them over to Dale.
As compensation for not telling us about this. just the brain. do you. yack. that¶s too bad. he said. love? . will you? You never say no. you two. Stan said the drinks are on the house.46 JEREMY I¶ve worked up a few new jokes for you to try. ANDREW Yack. JEREMY No problem. (To Jeremy) But you won¶t say no. I don¶t have the voice for stand-up. but I¶ve got to get home. All we can drink. How often do you hear that? DALE Thanks. man. yack. It helps to keep my hand in the game. ANDREW Aw. Come on inside. DALE Thanks.
repeats them. and Dale sticks his hands in his pockets and turns around. Dale¶s Apartment Night DALE TREMONT paces back and forth as he goes through several lines. I¶d better go and work on the new material.47 Andrew loops one arm around Jeremy¶s shoulders and moves his face closer to him. Karen gives him an . Jeremy bites his bottom lip and looks over at Dale. Jeremy lets Andrew steer him into Stan¶s Club. I¶ll see you then. CUT TO SCENE FIFTEEN²INT. DALE Well. who tries to keep a neutral expression on his face. then repeats them again with different inflections in his voice. Dale. JEREMY (Bows his head and looks away) Sure. I¶ll see you tomorrow. Jeremy. then walks off into the distance.
Like you¶re talking to yourself. it seems crazy. KAREN Do you have to do that? DALE (Stops pacing) Do what? KAREN Repeat yourself over and over again like that. KAREN . that¶s all. KAREN Well. DALE How else am I supposed to memorize this stuff? (Hits the paper with his hand) D¶you think I can just read it and have my timing down like that? This takes practice. DALE (Shrugs) I am.48 irritated look.
You¶re either going over your routines or you¶re out bouncing from club to club. A little too high-brow for a Saturday night crowd. I go on stage tomorrow and I¶m still not sure about this cricket joke. smelly little clubs telling bad jokes to drunks who couldn¶t give a damn. I think. And all for what? Enough money to buy the next round of drinks for your loser friends? DALE . it never stops. but Jeremy believes in it and if I can just get it down correctly. Where is comedy really going to take you? Don¶t you realize what kind of a rotten life you¶re leading? You spend your nights in these dinky.49 You could talk to me. KAREN This is a distraction. Why do you think I moved in with you? To sit around and watch you babble like an idiot every night? DALE Darling. then² KAREN Then what? You¶ll get your own TV show? Look. DALE That¶s my job. Dale. you know. please understand. but I¶ve got to tell you it¶s almost an obsession at this point.
Karen. DALE They are back to normal.50 Bad jokes. and they¶re all just a bunch of bad jokes to you? KAREN Dale. I¶m tired. Or is that too much for you to handle? DALE What do you want me to do? Stop my life and spend every waking hour with you? Damn it. That¶s all you do. KAREN This is our normal. Is that what you think they are? All this work that I put into them. We¶ve had a long weekend and I just« I want us to settle down and get things back to normal. I don¶t get on about you spending so much time at your job. eh? Maybe that¶s the problem. I love you but I have things that I have to do. I¶m here to be your girlfriend. I¶m not here to be your audience. please. DALE . KAREN But this is not your job! Your job is at the market.
Jeremy. then he stops and smiles. He looks up for a second. I just proved it tonight. passes by him on the right when Jeremy turns to his left to look. Dale taps Jeremy on the left shoulder. staring at the sidewalk. That¶s all you¶ll ever be. who is walking several feet ahead of him.´ You might as well say. The two men continue walking down the street. to hell with that. He trots up behind JEREMY PARKER. SCENE SIXTEEN²EXT. So to hell with your opinion! KAREN And to hell with you! Dale snatches his coat off a nearby chair and EXITS. Toronto Street Night DALE TREMONT is walking alone down the street. then looks down and jerks his head back up in surprise. t hat¶s all you are. DALE Hullo. .51 (Mimics her) ³That¶s all you do. Because I know what I can do. Well. And I don¶t give a damn if you don¶t believe in me or not.
but look what happens when I do. Go figure. JEREMY . but she did nothing but gripe for over an hour. Another fight? While you¶re out. not again. DALE It¶s about damned time I got some stinking culture in me.52 JEREMY What the hell are you doing out at this hour? I thought you went home. She keeps harping on me to spend more time with her. I thought Karen would be happy about me being at the flat for a change. why don¶t you look for a new girlfriend« preferably one without teeth? DALE Shut up. She just won¶t stop complaining. DALE I did. you bastard. JEREMY Oh. JEREMY µGripe¶? µHarping¶? Some of my higher-end language skills are rubbing off on you.
DALE (Silence for a moment) You know. JEREMY The world would end. Although speaking of Karen. DALE Yea. It¶s that high-flying job with the lawyer¶s office. ah« she wants me to give it up. so I just tossed the driver some money and sent him back to his place. I thought you and Andrew were going to wrap up the night together. she has been looking quite nice lately. JEREMY Oh. You know.53 I¶ll say. She¶s. DALE Speaking of the world ending. please. I don¶t think she even owned a skirt. all the time she worked at the billing centre. And heaven forbid she leaves the house without makeup on these days. He¶s an ass and he¶s hammered. He passed out in the cab. Now she wears nothing but dresses. JEREMY . Karen.
otherwise I¶ll end up offending somebody. (Holds out his hands) I¶m just trying to be funny. I can get up on stage and say whatever I want and be appreciated for that. ³say something you might regret´? DALE No. Language is such a disposable thing. I have to hold back on every humorous thought that comes to mind. That¶s . yes. (Claps him on the shoulder and smiles) And don¶t forget. Make people laugh. That¶s what I get paid for. Why else am I out tonight? Do you think I like wandering around the city waiting to get mugged? I had to get the hell out of there before I said something that she¶d make me regret later. It¶s other people that give me grief about it. You know me. In the clubs. for God¶s sake! So how can it be so wrong to be funny? JEREMY No one ever understands the struggling young artists. but sometimes people are so downright stuffy about it that« Ah. JEREMY Don¶t you mean.54 Give it up? DALE Oh. your depraved sense of humor is a match for mine. Lighten the mood. I don¶t understand it. On the streets and at work and with my family. I never regret anything that comes out of my mouth.
55 why we make such a good team. Find an agent to represent me. Jeremy. There¶s only one thing I can do. Maybe it¶ll make everyone happy. DALE Don¶t even say it. I really am. Jeremy opens his mouth. Get on television or the radio. and that¶s to be a bigger success than I am now. will it make you happy? Success. exactly. Once I¶m a success. then no one can deny that I¶m doing what I was born to do. I¶ve got to get my name out there. but Dale holds up a cautionary finger. JEREMY The question is. by the way? DALE I don¶t know. I¶m serious. Line up more reliable gigs than corner time in some pub somewhere. But I think you get free champagne with it. (Pause) So what are you going to do? Get yourself a full-time job? Move up to a more respectable life? DALE No. . Maybe that¶ll make Karen happy. (Mulls over the word) What is that. or the movies or something.
56 JEREMY Oh. that sounds nice. really? Well. at that« Dale and Jeremy walk off down the street. Passing traffic and pedestrians obscure their figures as they disappear in the distance. THE END . DALE It does.
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