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SCENE: THE LUNT-FONTANNE THEATRE, WHERE OVERBLOWN MUSICALS "THE LITTLE MERMAID" AND "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" CROAKED.
We are treated to an overture that sounds like Disney orchestrated a bastardized Addams Familyesque tune and had them focus-group tested by tourists.
ORCHESTRA Dun dun dun dun.
AUDIENCE Snap! Snap!
ORCHESTRA Dun dun dun dun.
AUDIENCE Snap! Snap!
ORCHESTRA Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun.
AUDIENCE Snap! Snap!
NATHAN LANE Good, I hopp you've gutten that "tunefulness" thing out of yoor seestem. I'm Nathan Lane as "Nathan Lane as Gomez Addams", and--
BEBE NEUWIRTH Nathan! Nathan!
NATHAN LANE Yis, what eez it honeeey?
BEBE NEUWIRTH It's our Daught-Is that really the accent you're going to use?
NATHAN LANE Yiiiiisss.
and wants to act out the plot! NATHAN LANE Baht the plot to that centerrrs arount looooove! BEBE NEUWIRTH Which isn't what an Addams Family musical should be about! Oy vey! NATHAN LANE Donttt say Oy Vey pleez.BEBE NEUWIRTH Fine then. NATHAN LANE . what are we going to do? NATHAN LANE What's happent? BEBE NEUWIRTH She watched "The Birdcage" too many time. BEBE NEUWIRTH It's in the script for some reason. It's our daughter Wednesday.
(to Nathan) How was that? . say. in the weird demented way that Christina Ricci fell love in the films. be sort of funny? How did you actually milk that to NATHAN LANE I whispered the punchline self-defeatingly. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD (entering) Oh no these flowers are dead and they should be beautiful because I fell in love the way a normal person falls in love and not. BEBE NEUWIRTH What's the matter? (whispered) You're happy. NATHAN LANE Goh ahid. I doo. Yoo should tri it. Pirhapps Wednesday's growing ahp and (stage whispers) sheee'll be Thurssssday before you knoh it! BEBE NEUWIRTH My that's a terrible joke.Ignore it.
You have a nice cleavage? BEBE NEUWIRTH What does that mean? NATHAN LANE It means...NATHAN LANE Um. (does so) AUDIENCE (applauds on cue) KEVIN CHAMBERLIN And for some reason I'm also really into the importance of love and Wednesday falling in love? Sounds like something . SCENE: ENTER HORTON THE ELEPHANT. sad waste of Bebe Neuwirth. and I can make a lightbulb light up in my mouth. KEVIN CHAMBERLIN I'm once-in-awhile-narrator Uncle Fester. what a sad.
. BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and base the musical on the original comics! KEVIN CHAMBERLIN Whatever.the bookwriters threw me into at the last minute because the audience was having difficulty focusing on the plot. The point is--get this excuse for a chorus-until "LOVE IS SOLVED". SCENE: KNOW THAT ONE FAMOUS STRIP WHERE WEDNESDAY IS TORTURING PUGSLEY ON A RACK? HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED SOMEBODY TO PORTRAY THAT SCENE THROUGH *SONG*?!? . sad waste of Kevin Chamberlin! CUE OBLIGATORY THRILLER CHOREOGRAPHY AND WE'RE AT.. this chorus of dead ghosts are doomed to wander the earth singing Andrew Lippa songs. CHORUS OF DEAD GHOSTS Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Theeeyyyrreee nnnoootttt eeevvvveeeennnnn ddddarrrrkkkk iiiinnnnn ttttoooonnne!!!! DEAD GHOST DRESSED LIKE DON QUIXOTE TO REMIND YOU THAT MUSICALS CAN ACTUALLY GET BETTER THAN THIS What a sad.
CUBBY BERNSTEIN Go ahead. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD (singing) MOTHER ALWAYS SAID BE KIND TO STRANGERS. Mother said to be kind to strangers? Morticia Addams said this? Of the Addams Family? BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and-- . "pull" my limbs on these chains..while I stop the plot with a specialty song about how being in love is "pulling" me in a new direction! SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA (proudly) Ha! CUBBY BERNSTEIN Wouldn't it be funny if my limbs got pulled and stretched like silly putty? Ah well.. BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW-Wait. Wednesday... WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD .
. Okay we admit it. SCENE: NATHAN LANE AND BEBE NEUWIRTH SING A SONG CALLED "WHERE DID WE GO WRONG".... we just didn't want to do the research of watching the old TV series to find out what people actually *like* about the Addams Family. sad waste of not-that-fat Cubby Bernstein. uh. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD What a sad. BEBE NEUWIRTH (real lyrics) ARE WE GOOD PARENTS? NATHAN LANE (real lyrics) ARE WE CLICHE? BEBE NEUWIRTH WOULD THE ADDAMSES REALLY ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS? .WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Pretend that Morticia Addams is Donna Reed? BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE --base the musical on the original.
NATHAN LANE Thas eeee-zee. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Please everybody. sad waste of Musicans Local 802.NATHAN LANE DIDN'T I ALREADY SING THIS SONG IN THE PRODUCERS? BEBE NEUWIRTH What a sad. not-too-unusual family. SCENE: EVERYBODY PREPARES FOR WEDNESDAY ADDAMS' BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS TO ARRIVE. tonight. I just need the Addams Family to act like a normal. not-strange. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Huh? BEBE NEUWIRTH Because that's what we have been doing all night! (hands Wednesday the script) .
..and they are being portrayed by the German Guy from Rock of Ages. Lucille from Parade.. .. sad waste of trees. SCENE: WEDNESDAY'S BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY HAS ARRIVED.WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD (scanning it over) What a sad. It's my only characterization all the time.. and the original Broadway Rum Tum Tugger! This couldn't *possibly* fail! CAROLEE CARMELLO The person I play likes to rhyme.of! NATHAN LANE Who wants to hear jokes about Jews from Florida? . Cause that's the theme we're forcing down your throat! .. My poems are always all about love.
TERRENCE MANN (actual line from the musical) What is this. some kind of theme park? AUDIENCE (actual line from the brain) What is this.. Who wants to hear jokes about healthcare? CAROLEE CARMELLO .. *possibly*.. some kind of theme park? STODGY SCENE: THE WOMEN TALK. BEBE NEUWIRTH Wouldn't it be funny if my dark.. depressing outlook on life scared the crap out of you? CAROLEE CARMELLO Yes! BEBE NEUWIRTH Well forget that.Couldn't.
NATHAN LANE I liiik yoo. TERRENCE MANN THAT ACCENT IS SPANISH? .What a waste of jokes about healtchare. ayy kehn relaytttt. TERRENCE MANN Why? NATHAN LANE Beecuz yor Ohio Accent sounds teeeerrible. STODGY SCENE: THE MEN TALK. TERRENCE MANN So? NATHAN LANE Weeth my Spanish accent.
STODGY SCENE: THE KIDS TALK. we need to tell your parents who just met me that we have decided to take up the timeworn cliche of running off and getting married without permission. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD No we can't yes we can no we can't yes we can no we can't. Creating dramatic tension in . GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Wednesday. strange kind of relationship an Addams family teenager would have? GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Yes! WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I agree! Oh well. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Wouldn't it be funny if Wednesday Addams fell in love. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Glad you worked that out. and we got to see what strange. Yes we can.
but don't mix it up and accidentally give the potion to somebody else like in Hamlet. CUBBY BERNSTEIN Jackie Hoffman As Grandmama. JACKIE HOFFMAN Yeah. CUBBY BERNSTEIN (line written with an exclamation mark. I was wondering if you had a potion so my sister won't be in love with the Rock of Ages guy anymore.musicals is HARD! CUBBY BERNSTEIN What will I do? (sings about this for a bit) JACKIE HOFFMAN Holy crap. how are you singing with your mouth closed? CUBBY BERNSTEIN I'm singing entirely out of my nose. but only . JACKIE HOFFMAN WELL YES WE HEAR THAT.
because I'm playing Pugsley Addams. and the references are incongruous to a musical like this. NATHAN LANE Andrew Lippa has a leftover tune he wrote from a musical . SCENE: DINNER. THAT'S ME. Does anybody mind if we skip to the end of the first act? Oh good. JACKIE HOFFMAN What a sad. sad waste of Jackie Hoffman.acted with a period) I don't understand your references! JACKIE HOFFMAN Is it because you're texting all the time? CUBBY BERNSTEIN No.
. everybody drinks from a Shabbat wine goblet. Next! . we say the blessing over the Challah. Uh. BEBE NEUWIRTH So here's what happens now: we light the Shabbat candles.. dreams and wishes and dreams. night at dinner forever. then tells a secret..000 times now.about circuses. I have a weird bunion on my foot. Me first. and somehow was permitted to shove it into an Addams Family musical. We as a family have done it every Over 10. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Let's not do this with guests here please? NATHAN LANE But it's a tradition. JACKIE HOFFMAN Wouldn't it be funny if the Addamses served strange foods at a dinner party that the Ohio-ans were creeped out by? CAROLEE CARMELLO Yes it would! JACKIE HOFFMAN Ah..
You win. . I forgot deodorant today? Next! JACKIE HOFFMAN I'm reusing some ad-libs leftover from Xanadu. Next! WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I'm looking forward to the intermission because we get to go fifteen minutes without hearing Andrew Lippa songs. NATHAN LANE Oooh that's the best one. Next! CUBBY BERNSTEIN I put some plot item into the beverage that Carolee Carmello drank and it didn't actually make a particularly notable difference in the plot.BEBE NEUWIRTH The other morning I used some eggs beyond their expir-- NATHAN LANE No you used that one *last* night. Um... BEBE NEUWIRTH Oh right.
ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY And how long do we have left in Addams Family? YOU About seventy. ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY . That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY You haven't met me yet.. YOU Hah.. seventy-five min. YOU So? ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY So how far along in the plot of La Cage are we right now? YOU We're a mere fifteen minutes away from the end of the plot of La Cage.SCENE: INTERMISSION.
Act Two. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA Here you go. BEBE NEUWIRTH (reading over sheet music) . Still.(grins) YOU Touche. BEBE NEUWIRTH Wouldn't it be funny if I had a song to sing about the wonder and fantastic-ness that is death? SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA It would? BEBE NEUWIRTH If David Yazbek or William Finn wrote it it would. I don't want to sing the number about growing old that I had in Chicago. SCENE: BEBE NEUWERTH'S BIG 9:45 NUMBER. Touche. Write me something new.
they say I'm the next Stephen Sondheim... and yet is exactly as crappy and forgettable and unfunny as the one we removed....? ... Who is this "they"? SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA .. Andrew.people fifteen years ago? BEBE NEUWIRTH Yeah. sad waste of Andrew Lippa. I just can't believe that you wrote another song that has different lyrics. No.Wow...... SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA But. Not even Nathan Lane could save it. Neuwirth? BEBE NEUWIRTH Hah. Ms. I'm impressed. what a sad. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA You like it. different notes. BEBE NEUWIRTH Let's settle this once and for all... that's right. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA Um.
BEBE NEUWIRTH No. No Andrew. where the hell did this idea come from? Oh. This. SCENE: THE ADDAMS FAMILY LIVES IN CENTRAL PARK? . Fucking A. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA (sulks) BEBE NEUWIRTH WILL NO ONE IN THIS SHOW GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO? SCENE: FESTER SINGS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH THE MOON.
NATHAN LANE What? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I love the German Guy from Rock of Ages. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Wednesday. and I can't figure out if he and I are NYU and/or Columbia students or what. how can I prove to you that I love you enough to run away with you without actually running away? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Let me shoot an apple off of your head with a crossbow? GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Really? Will that actually tie up whatever's left of this . They sing rejected melodies from Wicked. But we're running away. either together or apart or something. Daddy.WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I'm leaving. for plot convenience reasons. NATHAN LANE OH RIGHT THAT WAS THE MAIN PLOTLINE! I totally forgot! The boy now enters.
GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES What a sad. BEBE NEUWIRTH (sighs loudly) . Only one thing would cheer me up."loose plotline"? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Yes. SCENE: HAVE WE MENTIONED THE SAD WASTE OF NATHAN LANE YET? BY THE WAY WHERE IS HIS ONE-MAN SHOW ALREADY? NATHAN LANE Bebe Neuwirth. Somehow. NATHAN LANE I can't invent a time machine to go back and unsign our Addams Family The Musical contracts. yes. sad waste of prop apples. would a tango cheer you up? BEBE NEUWIRTH No.
. JACKIE HOFFMAN (making more damn pop-culture references instead of. uh.Then it is hopeless. JACKIE HOFFMAN Oh. JACKIE HOFFMAN. AND KEVIN CHAMBERLIN NOW HAVE TO SING A SONG ABOUT LOVE.. oh maybe ADDAMS FAMILY JOKES?) Did you know that in 1969 at Woodstock. I gave John Lennon the idea for "All You Need Is Love"? NATHAN LANE I have a copy of the Wikipedia article right here and it says the song was broadcast in June of 1967. look. SCENE: NATHAN LANE.. it's the original Broadway Javert singing a song about squid rape that somehow managed to not be funny! (runs off) SCENE: THE ENDING.. IN AN ADDAMS FAMILY MUSICAL THAT YOU HAVE TO WATCH. .
Shows can be heavy! WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Also we're in love. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Yep. NATHAN LANE Thank you. now we're in love more somehow! TERRENCE MANN Because of me being raped by a squid! reason! Obviously that's the BEBE NEUWIRTH (massaging Nathan Lane's back) Also we are in love. .. In love. Boring.. boring silence.CAROLEE CARMELLO Ah. Bebe. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Yep..
and his line is funny. moment"? Has anybody heard of the term "Silent Bob WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD What's that? NATHAN LANE It's where the character who doesn't speak finally speaks at the end of the dramatic work. I guess we can actually learn something from Young Frankenstein The Musical! BEBE NEUWIRTH What a sad waste of Zachary James..? . try that.. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD .NATHAN LANE That reminds me. Lurch? Wanna LURCH (sings lines in a key too low for lyrics to be understood or laughed at) NATHAN LANE Well.
unhappily ever after. I'm the narrator.BEBE NEUWIRTH He plays Lurch. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Got it. you guys. And so. everybody lived . Why did we hire a chorus? GHOSTS (shrug) NATHAN LANE Fester are you going to close the show? KEVIN CHAMBERLIN Right right right. can we go back to our graves now? KEVIN CHAMBERLIN Oh right. NATHAN LANE Also a sad waste of a Silent Bob moment! GHOSTS Fester.
ENTIRE CAST (singing) WHICH MEANS NOBODY WILL EVER WRITE A GOOD ADDAMS FAMILY MUSICAL EVER! Screech. because now that this happened. NATHAN LANE My god. what was that sound? SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA Sorry.TERRENCE MANN Because it's an Addams Family musical? KEVIN CHAMBERLIN No. the rights to write an Addams Family Musical will never become available. . BLACKOUT. Must've been a song I wrote.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?