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That Was Yesterday

That Was Yesterday


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Published by Becky Kanyak
A story of how one girl grew up in a very small town and had no idea what it was like out in the 'real' world. She married young, had two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Suddenly she decided to leave her home life and go off to live with some strangers she met online and it all went downhill from there.
A story of how one girl grew up in a very small town and had no idea what it was like out in the 'real' world. She married young, had two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. Suddenly she decided to leave her home life and go off to live with some strangers she met online and it all went downhill from there.

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Published by: Becky Kanyak on Aug 05, 2009
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  • Chapter 2
  • Chapter 3
  • Chapter 4
  • Chapter 5
  • Chapter 6
  • Chapter 7
  • Chapter 8
  • Chapter 9
  • Chapter 10

That Was Yesterday By Rebecca Kanyak

I want to thank my mom for all the support that she gave me during this entire period. That is the most important part for a person going through something so difficult as what I discuss in the book. I also want to thank my friends that stayed with me, all throughout and are still here. Lesson to all: Be careful when picking your friends because they may seem perfect at the moment, but that may not always hold true in times of need. Lastly I want to thank my husband for being here and putting up with the ‘minor’ mood swings during the time of writing this book. It was definitely a challenge and there were times I wanted to just throw it out, but I worked too hard on it, and this is what he reminded me of. So thanks to everyone you are all special to me and I love you and you know who you are! ISBN143484952X EAN-139781434849526 Primary Category Biography & Autobiography / General Country of Publication United States Published by Create Space On-Demand Publishing - August, 2009 Author Rebecca Kanyak

“All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental."

Introduction Sometimes in life we are thrown curve balls. Some people handle these while others cannot. This is my story. I had it all: a loving family, great friends, from high school to jr. college for the first of many college degrees, a loving husband, two wonderful kids and a house. Then, in what seemed like an instant, it was gone. I was starting over on my own with just my car and what I could fit inside. This is about surviving childhood through the present and what has brought me to where I am now in my life.

The blue and red lights are flashing again! This is getting to be a regular thing! The police are beginning to know me more and more every day. I don’t see that I am getting in deeper and deeper every day, or maybe it’s that I don’t care, I don’t know. I am 30 years old and digging a very early grave, and I don’t even know it. I have been running around the streets of Las Vegas for days on end looking for that much needed high that I am unable to find. I feel like I am losing my mind! Hey, there’s someone! “You straight?” I ask. “What you want?” he asks. I’m running a bit short right now, but I can afford a twenty (rock) with my fifteen dollars if he’ll go it. Five seconds later I’m cruising the alleys looking for a place to smoke this much needed high. It feels so good. My head is floating. I just sit there and let my head fall back to the headrest and contemplate this wonderful rush I am getting. I can see what is going on around me, but my hearing is muffled. This is the best feeling I have ever had in my entire life! The first hit is always the best, but it quickly fades and I’m feigning again. I need another hit, but I have no money, no

friends and no one to borrow any money from. What do I do now? There will be a check in the mail tomorrow for me but what about now? I finally see my other friends and quickly hook up with them. Many are dealers or hookers, but I don’t care. In my drug induced haze, I truly think that these people are my friends and that they will be there for me when all they want is my money, drugs, or desperation that will push me to the point of doing anything to get the drugs. Most addicts I know travel in groups and they sit around drug houses or hotel rooms and share their drugs, so this is my drug ticket at this point in time; not caring what I may need to do for the drugs when all is said and done. I go where drugs are; they certainly won’t come to me. How did I wind up here? What makes me so irrational and dependent? I have always made my own choices, not always the best ones, but they were mine and now, a drug that may ultimately kill me is controlling me. This drug is holding so tight that I don’t even care that I am endangering myself all the time. AIDS, jail, rape, theft, none of these matters to me as long, as I can get high. I am just a small town girl living life in the fast lane while the common sense train has left the station. Of course, I think that all of my decisions are right and no one can tell me otherwise. Never before have I had such a want or need for something. Every high has me needing more and this addiction has become very costly in more ways than one.

Some days it is a $400.00 habit and I get the money by intercepting checks before mom gets the mail and keeps my money. She thinks by keeping my money she is helping me but I will just get money elsewhere if I want it that bad. I hate it when she tries to control my money! I am an adult and she is treating me like a child! I have to be home before 10:00 p.m., and if I’m not she’ll stay home from work and wait for me to return, but if I can’t be home by 10 pm, then I won’t go home at all, sometimes for days. I know that she and Grandma worry about me, but right now all I care about is ME, ME, ME! I have no regard for anyone who won’t help me get what I want. I have also seem to forgotten that I have two children who live with their dad since our divorce and it also seems I don’t care that I may die before ever seeing them again. It also seems to have slipped my mind that I have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus and if I don’t take my medicine and get the rest I need I will become very sick. The chase of the drug that’s all I care about. Growing up I had the best life that my mom could give me. She and my dad divorced when I was young and I was lucky that she worked out of our home. Every day after school she’d have something ready for me to eat usually my favorite, macaroni and cheese. And she always had time for me. Of course there were times when money wasn’t good and she would go work at the local grocery store usually third shift so she could still be home for me after school.

When mom went out with her friends, a sitter would come to the house and she often brought her boyfriend Dale. No one knew he was molesting me while heads were turned. I didn’t even realize what he was doing until years later. I can remember him lying on the floor between her and me, and he would put his hands down the back of my pants. I would wonder what he was doing and why, but I just allowed it to go on; allowed, I’m not sure if that is the correct term for a 9 year old being touched by a trusted adult. He also acted strange, like after I would go to bed he’d crawl into my bedroom to scare me. Today he is a convicted and registered sex offender. Not for my abuse but many other children within the area over a time of 20+ years and is on the national sex offender’s registry list. I was very lucky growing up because my grandparents and great grandparents lived only three and four houses away from us, so I got to see them all the time. I also got to travel a lot with my grandparents to places like Florida, the Upper Peninsula in Michigan, and all the states we drove through to get to Florida. Grandpa would never ask for directions either. He always knew where he was going and didn’t need to ask, so we always got lost at some point during every vacation. My grandpa got a huge kick out of seeing me scared and he would often go to great lengths to test my courage. This one time I was taking the garbage out to the dumpster just across from the motor home and all of a sudden a huge gust of wind came up;

about 60-70 m.p.h. and it was blowing me so hard that I couldn’t even walk and my grandpa was watching me try to come back. Another time when we were at my aunt and uncle’s house in Brighton, MI, grandma, grandpa, great-grandma and me were sleeping in the motor home and the police came by and said that there was a tornado warning and we needed to take cover immediately. So we all got up and went inside my aunt’s house to wait out the storm. When the storm was at its peak, my grandpa opened the front door and pushed me out on the step and locked me out there then stood at the screen laughing at my horror of the situation. Now, he would never hurt me; he just liked to torment me. Another time I remember was when he, grandma, great-grandma and I went up north to Mackinaw City and Sault Ste. Marie, MI, and we went to this place that had this haunted house in it (a place that I am still terrified of thanks to grandpa) and when we got inside the first thing that we saw was a body lying on a gurney and a guillotine that cut off the head; then this guy brought it over and dumped whatever was inside of the head on my arm. It was supposed to be blood and the guy was holding my arm out, tightly, and dripping this liquid all over me. I was only about 10 or 11 and this scared the hell out of me. I began screaming so loud that both of my grandmothers could hear me screaming, through the walls, and grandpa had to literally drag me through the remainder of the house. He thought this was hilarious; I found it to be not so funny.

My great-grandma and great-grandpa passed away, not too far from each other in time, and grandma and grandpa retired and decided to sell their home and move to Texas. My grandpa was a mechanic by trade and he was able to get a job anywhere. They lived in Texas for a few years then they decided to relocate to Las Vegas, Nevada, where they both lived out the remainder of their lives. I spent my summers with them and began to make friends as I returned year after year. Grandma got to stay home and enjoy her retirement and play BINGO and slots while grandpa gave her everything she could ever want or need. He was the one true love in her life and she was in his as well. Grandma and grandpa sold the motor home and bought a small trailer where they moved into a different park. This is where grandma met Grace and they became fast friends. Grandpa got really sick with appendicitis and had to have emergency surgery, in which the incision became infected, and he was hospitalized for a few more days. Grace took me to the hospital to be with grandma and grandpa because I couldn’t stay alone and didn’t really want to stay at Grace’s house either. When I reflect on Grace, she sort of reminded me of a clown. She wore a lot of bright colored makeup and she ran around in her underwear and bra and she didn’t care who saw her. Grandpa had a truck that was a stick shift and grandma didn’t know how to drive it so she had to find alternative transportation. We began this adventure of renting a car that we

first had to fill with gas. We didn’t make it home and the car died and we had to call the rental company to come and get us so we could get another car. We then had to fill a second tank and no sooner did grandma get gas in that car and it died as well. Third time is a charm, as they say and it was this day as we finally found a car that would stay running and she kept it until Grandpa was able to drive again. After grandpa suffered his appendicitis attack, he never really recovered. His body was severely infected from the rupture and he had a drain to help clear it up; however, he was never back to his full self. His appendicitis attack happened in July of ’84 and January 20, 1985, he suffered a severe heart attack and underwent quadruple bypass surgery and died 10 hours later. I will always remember my grandma’s final moments with him. She said he looked over at her and with a tear falling down his cheek he shook his head, closed his eyes and passed away. I continued my summer vacations with grandma after grandpa died, and the summer of 1985 (age 14) was when the door to my self-exploration opened. I spent a lot of time in the game rooms at the two local casinos, and this is where I made most of my friends. This was also the summer when I would encounter many firsts such as my first real boyfriend, my first sexual encounter, my first time to smoke marijuana, my first rock concert, and my first bouts with drinking. I met Ric while in the arcade room at the Nugget. He was

16 years old and always had a brood of cousins with him; they were Mexican and would only speak Spanish when they were talking about me. We hung out every day and were pretty much inseparable. I really thought that I was in love and I just had to be with him, all the time. I’d begun sneaking around, sneaking out of the house at night, or sneaking him in and grandma never was the wiser. One night after I’d snuck out to go party with everyone, I was returning home and when I climbed back over the fence, Grandma’s dog began barking at me and I knew I was in trouble; she had to be awake. Sure enough she opened the door and made us both come in. This just happened to be a night that I had been drinking heavily and I’d slipped and fell on some glass and cut my hand. I had to think of a reason for this injury, and I quickly came up with a story that we had gone out for a while and I fell, which really was the truth, just softened a bit. I got in trouble, but I was still able to see Ric. The end of summer was fast approaching and I was dreading leaving. I was trying desperately to get mom to let me stay in Las Vegas and go to school; however, that didn’t work and I had to return home at my scheduled time. Ric went with us to the airport to say goodbye and I think I was sadder to leave him than to be leaving my grandma, but this was my first love and I felt like my heart was being ripped out and that my life was over. I was hoping that Ric could come visit me at Christmas, but after a short time of being back home, he began

calling at all hours of the night, telling me he was going to kill himself if he couldn’t be with me. Mom was beginning to rethink her decision about him coming to visit at Christmas so she began looking for a reason to stop the visit. One day she found a letter that Ric had written to me with some reference to drugs in it, and that made up her mind for her. He wouldn’t be coming to visit at Christmas. After that we began drifting apart and I began to face the fact that we wouldn’t be together and just move on with my life. In the spring of the following year Grandma called to tell me and that Ric’s cousin saw her at the casino and told her that Ric was dead and had been hit by a train (the way he always told me he would die). By the time I was fourteen, I was becoming uncontrollable in many ways and I always seemed to be getting grounded for one thing or another. Mom always seemed to find out what I had been doing no matter where I was, or whom I was with. I began hanging out with the local drug dealer, Jeff. He would sit up at Burnout Park all day and mom didn’t want me up there at all. He started to show some interest in me and even though he was much older than I, it made me feel good that he seemed to like me. Little did I know what this attention would become as I became older. One night my friends Kris, Rochelle and I went rollerskating, and we got drunk before going inside. Mom was going to pick us back up at 10:00 p.m., but Kris and I left the rink shortly after going inside and we went up town looking for Jeff while

and local police officer. but his phone was busy and I never got an answer. When I saw the police car coming around the side of the store I tried hiding on the floor of Jeff’s car but Larry already knew I was with Jeff and he literally dragged me out of the car and threw me in the back seat of his patrol car. This was when I ran in to my mom’s friend. this always backfired on me. I had gone to his house first but he didn’t answer his door. blah. I went out to the kitchen and sat at the table where the cop began questioning me about my night with Jeff.Rochelle stayed at the roller rink. When I got home. blah. I went directly to bed and a few hours later my mom woke me to tell me there was a police officer there that I needed to talk to. I was trying to call my dad to try and get him to say I was staying at his house so I could actually stay out all night. I kept passing out with my head on the table and the cop kept slamming his hand on the table to wake me. Larry. The reason the cop . For some reason I thought that my dad would cover for me and lie to my mom when I wanted to do things behind her back. blah. so I thought I could call him instead. Larry took me home. When we went back up town. we stopped at a party store so I could use the pay phone. (That’s how I felt while he was lecturing me). lecturing me all the way about how my mom was going to put me in foster care because she couldn’t handle me any longer. When Jeff picked us up he had Chester with him and then we went to Chester’s father’s house for a while.

Janice stayed over one night and mom had some sort of tooth problem and had been on painkillers that made her sleep. Janice couldn’t get back in the window. We had to do this through my bedroom window. Nothing ever came of that night for Jeff or for me. We ran like hell when we saw them and we were glad to get home but when we got back Mrs. This statement had everything in it about my drinking and using drugs. Needless to say. except for the fact that everyone in town now knew of my habits and the company I was keeping. so I had to go in and make sure . Wilson had her porch light on because she had let her dogs out and the light shone right on the window we had used to get out. It was pretty scary walking in the dark because we had to go through the woods so no one would see us. which was probably 7-8 feet from the ground because using the front door would make too much noise. Later we found out that he had played this confidential meeting to the whole school board.was there was because mom thought that Jeff had raped me and given me drugs and she was looking for a reason to get him locked up. I also had to meet with the local police chief and give a statement to him. We got out and made it up town but when we got there we found no one around so we started back home. We waited for her to go to sleep then we snuck out to go up town. so we had to wait until she let them back in. which was supposed to be confidential. There was no light except for the occasional break in the trees of some moonlight then we’d see the bats flying around.

and she hated the sight of me. This was a great hang out for everyone to meet on the weekends. This one day mom was dropping me and a couple of my friends off at the beach.mom was still sleeping and let Janice in through the front door without making any noise so mom wouldn’t wake up. As soon as Janice got in she ran to my bedroom. Tamara. Mom heard me shut the door and came out and asked me what I was doing. and was afraid that Tamara would now hunt me down and beat me up. this is where Janice and I would work at throughout our high school years whenever we needed a job. I would be a dishwasher at Wallie’s Restaurant. and when Tamara drove by mom called her a bitch then left me at the beach. I think he encouraged my infatuation mostly to piss her off. dropped me off and told me that I was either going to work or stay home for the summer. It is a small family-owned restaurant nicknamed the greasy spoon known for its greasy hamburgers and they are so good! I still liked to hang around Jeff. Janice and I and all our other friends spent our days at the beach and our nights the local arcade. School got out for the summer and mom decided that it was time for me to get a job. I found a job that day. . The summers were the best times in Caseville because all the city people came there to spend their vacations. I told her thanks a lot. I told her I thought I heard something outside and was checking to see if there someone was out there and that was the end of it. but he did have a girlfriend. One day she took me up town.

Our class size was variable from about 16-24 kids from Kindergarten to 12th grade and during those years probably 17 of those students were the same from so we were all very close. Rochelle was one of my best friends growing up as she lived at the end of the street with her mom. talking behind backs. sister. William was my other friend who lived at the beginning of the street and we were in school together most of our life. there was the occasional fight: hitting. but when you are a child that varies from day to day. I had friends. until he transferred to Laker Schools and graduated with Janice in 1990. Our families were friendly too. He pissed me off more than anything when we were growing up. We played in the basement of his house a lot and he liked to lock me in the cellar part of the basement and leave me there for a while. yelling. I won’t say close. William was one of those kids that liked to cause trouble around the neighborhood too. things of that nature but that was the extent of it. or violence. screaming. I don’t remember any bad times with friends growing up. what toys you have or how you look or dress. like a family. We rode the bus together everyday. depending on who you are. but many of our families spent holidays or other special occasions together. how much money you have. Sure. not like what is seen on the news today in 2009. I wasn’t particularly popular. uncle and grandparents. One day he and I were in . I had a fun childhood.When I was growing up. No bullying.

She used to get such a kick out of watching the three of us outside. my second grade teacher. William and me playing outside in my backyard and one day me and Rochelle tied William up to a tree and chanted around him like Indians and acted like we were going to burn him at the stake. G. We sang a great variety of songs and some were really crazy. would discipline him or her and he had different ways of doing this. Wilson. our neighbor and one of my elementary teachers. We were probably four years old at that time. She said she never knew what we were going to do out there from one day to the next. usually birthdays. none of us could wait for the time that we could stick our hands in them to pick out something good for ourselves. she wasn’t too happy but they were so good! One Christmas that our families spent together found William and me hiding in these two cubbyhole type spaces that divided the upstairs and downstairs and we were eating all of the salt/flour ornaments from the Christmas tree. She had these overalls that had treats in them for special occasions.the cellar. guidance counselor and future elementary principal. My favorite teacher in elementary was Mrs. Class was usually a lot of fun unless someone acted up then Mr. Mrs. . Y. I enjoyed school for the most part and music was one of the classes that I most looked forward to. where his mom kept her canned goods and we ate every jar of her canned pickles. used to sit in her kitchen and watch Rochelle.

but I really had a hard time with history classes. I wasn’t as disciplined at it as were the other band members and I didn’t like getting out in front of everyone to play the instruments. My mom knew about it. clarinet. High I had to take band and gym because it was required. I also started volleyball in 9th grade. which was fine. I became a cheerleader in junior high. Me and two other classmates took off to go to McDonald’s for lunch and we came right back to school. I never skipped school or caused trouble and I enjoyed being with my friends. I started to get used to being grounded. even though I wasn’t . saxophone and symbols and none fit me so I finally just gave in to the fact that band just wasn’t for me.Some ways were picking on them in front of everyone and I think the sheer embarrassment was punishment enough for most. but once I moved on to High School it was a choice for which I was glad because I chose not to take band as I just wasn’t any good at it. and because of this I was grounded for almost a whole school year due to near failing grades. my senior year. and just found ways to keep busy around the house. and I enjoyed this a lot and continued all through high school. As I got older and I became more involved in school activities I had to keep my grades up so I wouldn’t get grounded. I wasn’t particularly fond of the Christmas programs or when we began music with the flutes. There was one time that I skipped school. I think I tried almost every instrument available: flute. In elementary I had to take music and in Jr.

if we did something bad and got caught. I can remember us going out one night and Marie getting home before me and I had to sneak back in the house. she bought Shawn Marie something. She enrolled in school during our freshman year and we had so much fun together and mom treated her just like a daughter too. I didn’t do too good of a job though . sometimes more than I did. friends or just passerby and it may be many years before we understand why they came into our lives. Shawn Marie’s family didn’t live too far away. so many people come in and out of our lives as acquaintances. we both got into trouble and Shawn Marie listened to mom too. but we became friends immediately. instantly. We did everything together and she eventually was pretty much living with me and my mom. maybe. She was my neighbor’s cousin and I am not exactly sure how we met.living at home anymore. and she called just to let them know. That was fun! Growing up. When mom bought me something. so she said. They didn’t even know we were gone! We brought a Big Mac back for the principle and instead of getting suspended for a day or two like normally would happen. Probably just from being outside at the same time. about 45 minute’s and I would go home with her on the weekends and her parents treated me as a part of their family too. I think we got one hour detention which we did running around the school. One such person was Shawn Marie. She and I are only about one month apart in age and we were like sisters.

I guess you could say we were all one big extended family. My best friend Elizabeth was getting married the same month we graduated from high school and I was a bridesmaid. This night all that would change. in school. there was an engagement ring in the bottom of the can. I remember the day well. I did much better in school and was one of the teens. that didn’t get pregnant. I began dating Matt when I was 15 and we would go out for a few weeks and then I would break up with him. He had graduated from high school in June 1989 and when I turned 18 in December of that year we decided to get an apartment together (while I was sill in school). The wedding day came and of course we all drank a lot and Matt became very jealous because of the guy I was paired up with. Matt wanted me to try these Pringles that he had bought and I didn’t know why he kept bugging me to eat them. When I finally did. I proved them wrong on both accounts. We were at the reception and I remember going in to the bathroom and . I graduated with a high grade point average and became engaged right around graduation. Mom told me that he would have to ask her permission since my dad wasn’t in the picture and he did.because I got in trouble the next morning for coming home so late. but when I was 17 we got back together again. I was the only one to do this in my class and many people were talking about how I would get pregnant and probably flunk out of school. When Matt drank liquor he could become quite mean. but had never hurt me before. So.

It was a beautiful wedding. People came running from everywhere to get him away from me. the best man opened the first bottle and it sprayed all over the place and . He was really mad. When I saw him standing outside by our car. The other girls came into the bathroom to see what was happening just as Matt was leaving. a trailer at the end of the street where I grew up. That was the only physical altercation that we ever had during the time we spent together. I went home with Elizabeth’s brother and sisterin-law and when I spoke to him in the morning I told him that if he ever touched me again. We planned the wedding and it was going to be held in August. He grabbed me again and slammed me up against our car where I fell to the ground.barely shutting the bathroom stall door before Matt came in and dragged me out of the stall throwing me against the wall. I talked them in to telling me where he had gone. He began slamming me up against the wall until I finally just fell to the floor. and I took off running at him and started to hit him back. There was one fight outside but what wedding doesn’t have at least one fight? When it came time for the champagne toast. We had parties there quite often and it was a lot of fun. I’d kill him with one of his own guns and he knew I could use it if I had to. We also bought our first home about eight months before we married. My grandma came home from Las Vegas for the wedding and for the most part there were no major problems. almost like he was possessed. after all he taught me how to shoot.

Our honeymoon was spent up north at a friend’s cabin. champagne and who knows what else. all soaked in beer. and I was pissed. They dumped kool-aid in the toilet tank and bowl. He was 5 weeks early. It was pretty funny. completely! It seems that the groomsmen felt the need to come in and do that as a welcome home gift to us. Matt thought this was funny but I told him fuck that. Upon our return home. We also had just enough to do a toast with but it was so much fun and a great memory as well! After the wedding reception we went to my good friend’s house to party and we stayed there until the wee hours of the morning and me still in my wedding dress. rearranged the furniture (not in a good way). It was on the lake and the weather was really nice. .this started a chain reaction with the others in the party. We had a HUGE champagne fight and were all soaked by the time it was over. We were there for a week and it was really nice. toilet papered the rooms. we walked into the trailer and I flipped out! Someone came into the house and trashed it. That was our first fight as a married couple. we had our first child. Allen. Lots of people from the wedding reception came and it was a blast! After we left his house Matt and I went to the B&B my mom had got for us for the night but when we got up in the morning. they can come and clean it up. We stayed at the trailer for a couple of years and during this time. we both realized that we didn’t have anything to change into. so we had to put on the same wedding clothes we had on the day before.

I had pre-eclampsia and toxemia and something called HELLP syndrome with Allen and that is what caused me to deliver him early. running me off the road.weighed 3 lbs. I was a manager at a bakery in a local grocery store about 25 miles away from where I lived. He was instructed to leave me alone and if he would for a certain number of days. the charges would be dropped. And he would do just that. I remember the day he came to my place of employment. parking near our house and watching me. was healthy and his lungs were developed. unfortunately came back into my life after I had Allen and he began following me around town. I had to have platelet transfusions during labor because my liver was so out of control and the doctors were afraid that my liver was going to explode. 10 oz. . Jeff. the local drug dealer. but the day after the warning expired. but after delivery everything went back to normal. He had to stay in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then he was cleared to come home. I filed more police reports and I remember the day the county police department notified me that one day when he was watching me at work. I began to file police reports against him for stalking me and eventually had him arrested for the first of many times to come. he’d had a gun in his car and had threatened to kill Tamara. he was right back to stalking me. Jeff drove all the way over to this store to buy a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread and stood by the bakery and watched me work but once I saw him he left the store..

due to the immediate symptoms he was seeing. When Allen was 17 months old. This made me realize that if he had a gun out there. I was also told that I should have no more children. Lupus was something I’d never heard of. otherwise known as Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE). therefore attacking all the cells within the body. I was diagnosed with lupus. he could kill me if he really wanted to. due to the medications and how negatively my body would be affected. This is a connective tissue disease that affects the internal organs and connective tissue. tired all the time and I was hardly able to pick Allen up out of his crib. He was arrested once again for the stalking charge. losing weight. One thing that was discussed was that unless properly treated I could die from kidney failure or other complications. This time he finally listened and didn’t bother me any more. and that people who have lupus live around 10 . I was very fearful of the results and within two weeks the tests were back.who was out in the car with him. This can be a potentially fatal illness unless carefully treated. I was referred to a Rheumatologist who specializes in lupus and other arthritic diseases. but no jail time again if he left me alone. that was a different story. I was constantly in pain. I became very sick. His first thought was either Lupus or Multiple Sclerosis. but MS. and produces cells that can’t differentiate between the good and the bad cells. I was missing work due to the pain and sickness so I made an appointment with my family physician.

I left work immediately. all I was able to consume was Ensure. Welcome to my world. nothing else would stay down. I had begun working at an adult foster care home with mentally handicapped adults right after I’d found out I was pregnant and I was fortunate that on days I didn’t feel well I could lie down while at work. but I knew I would have the best care possible. Eventually I got past the fear of the needle and gave in to the shots. The doctors were fearful that I would begin to form blood clots so I had to give myself heparin shots and this scared the hell out of me! I never had to give myself a shot before. against my doctor’s advisement. Even though I had many specialists looking after me my health quickly deteriorated.years with this illness as their organs deteriorate and other parts of the body begin to fail. At week 23. I began to get sick all the time and lost about 25 pounds. this was in February 1994. On the way home I was stopped for speeding . as this was part of my pregnancy reality. I went to one doctor or another every two weeks or so to be sure that my lupus wasn’t flaring up or that the baby wasn’t in any danger itself. By 1995 I felt that my disease was pretty well controlled so we decided to try and have another child. and would often have Matt do this for me or I’d drive to the hospital and have them do it for me. giving myself injections to be sure that me and the baby would survive the pregnancy and the delivery. I was at work and I began bleeding.

When she was nine weeks old. This was an alert to a now well-known illness called RSV. She was on a heart monitor that let us know if she stopped breathing at any time. This one day Anne had a scheduled check up with the pediatrician and her monitor kept going off. 2 oz and was small enough to fit in both of my hands. Matt was called from work and I convinced the EMT’s to let me ride in the ambulance because I thought she would die before we got to the . He looked at me as if I was lying and I told him if he’d follow me home that my husband would confirm this and he did just that. At first I thought it was just loose wires but she began turning blue and she had stopped breathing many times. the doctor sent us right to the emergency room. but in 1995 it was still relatively unknown. She was tube fed and on oxygen until she no longer needed it. Anne was born nine weeks early and weighed only 3 lbs.by this cop that had harassed me many times before and when he walked up to my window I told him that I was in a hurry because I was in labor and needed to get to the hospital. I went to a friend’s house before the appointment so she could ride with me and when we got to the office. side by side (15”). her original due date. She was so small and unable to breathe on her own. After being examined and given some oxygen the doctor decided that she needed to be transferred back to the hospital she where was born. Matt confirmed that the hospital was waiting for me to get there and the hospital is where I stayed until her birth.. she was able to come home.

no home. Anne was kept in the hospital for another couple of weeks and after that she recovered and began to grow and act. I started to become obsessed with this virtual life and started making myself believe that there was more to life out there than what I had at home and I wanted to explore it. we had our children and my health was doing well now that the pregnancy was over. I suppose everything happens for a reason. as a healthy baby should. we decided to get a bigger house. After everything was good with the kids. I don’t understand why this had to happen to me. or so I’ve been told although. Everything was going well with our house and family and then it’s almost as if the whole world changed completely within an instant. We bought a computer. Then came the computer. Chapter 2 What is it in the world that makes us do the things we do? Now that I look back I wonder how in the world I could just decide to leave everything I had and make a new life alone: no husband. I would stay up all night long chatting with people from . hooked it up to the Internet and this opened a whole new world to me. I think they felt that way too because they did let me ride along which wasn’t usually allowed. One I was not ready for.hospital. I began going into chat rooms and meeting others and it seemed that they were all just a bunch of people who liked to talk and have fun. We were finally getting settled in our new house. no kids and no friends.

He even tried to get me to see a counselor. wanted to meet me. and it was pulling me in faster than I could handle. wanted to call me. and he eventually did give me my way-a divorce. He tried more than once to talk to me. sad to say. and home to be with people who I didn’t even know. in my eyes. I only had regard for myself. After a few months of chatting online and talking on the phone. I didn’t even think twice that I would be leaving my husband. The owner of the adult foster care home where I worked owned a house right next door to the business and she offered it to me in hopes that I would change my mind and not leave the area and most importantly. who could care less about me. wanted to know me. I didn’t want to be married any longer. My marriage of 6 years was over. People were interested in me.all over the country and the world. This excitement of meeting new people was beginning to take hold of my life and my mind. and as I would find out. my family. I lived there rent-free and I had the space that I needed and was still close to my kids and away . He did everything that he could and always gave me everything that I wanted and needed. kids. These people were beginning to get in my head about things within my home and how my life could be so much better. and there was nothing Matt could do to make it any better. I began to try and rationalize why my marriage was so bad and I was determined to leave. My mind was so twisted with what was real and what wasn’t that I didn’t want to hear anything about my decision either.

In Athens I saw the Olympic stadium and this was awesome to actually stand on something that was used for the Olympics during Greek and mythological times. I didn’t care though. Matt thought that maybe some time away would change my mind and that I’d come back home when I returned. Greece for a week with some friends I’d met in a company that I’d sold household decorations with. the House of the Virgin Mary in Istanbul. crutches. It was an awesome feeling being in this house. the second room is full of small candles that you light that you then take into the third room and light a candle and say a prayer to the Virgin Mary. I guess we’d see. I’d never been out of the United States before and the plane ride was quite long. It consists of three rooms: the first room is full of wheelchairs. This tree represents how many people have come there to give thanks that their prayers have been answered. those of which people have brought back after they have been healed since coming to the House and praying for a miracle. but I only knew about 10. I was there to travel and have fun. During the time of our separation I was going on a trip to Athens.from my marriage but I was still determined to move away. I was excited to just be going! During my vacation I saw more things than I could ever imagine. Then when you walk outside there is this tree that has many ribbons tied to it. . Turkey. I also visited a spiritual house. one I have never felt before or since. There were about 600 people in this group. and walkers. This place was amazing. During my trip I had so much fun.

The people there tried to sell us everything they could. Mykonos had lots of white houses and when the sun set it was so beautiful. These places were beautiful. Matt tried so many different ways to get me to stay. but it is a memory that I will always have nonetheless. I am quite afraid of heights and I had a donkey that rode right next to the rail on the mountains’ edge. at first. I couldn’t wait to get to the top of the mountain and get off that donkey! Then we walked down the mountain and it was the most beautiful sight. I didn’t feel safe there at all and there wasn’t much to look at. but it just made it worse on him. And Santorini had lots of white windmills and on this island we rode donkeys up this big mountain. Two islands that I particularly liked were Santorini and Mykonos. He was so considerate of everything I was saying and all I wanted was to get out and do my own thing. He gave me space. It was definitely something to remember forever. I was trying to prove a point in leaving Matt. He agreed to give me the divorce thinking I would back out of it.I also went to some islands during the cruise portion of the trip. I think I was trying to get him to hate me. It was also rambunctious and it scared the hell out of me. Matt never did anything but make a life and a . to make it easier on me to leave. In Istanbul we were only there for a few hours and we spent them sightseeing and shopping. and this was the reason I stayed gone. no matter who I hurt. The area we were in sort of reminded me of a terrorist country. at least while we were in the shopping district.

My internet travels found me going to south to live with this younger.home for us and all I did was throw it back in his face and tell him I didn’t love him and that I didn’t want to be with him any more. This was the beginning of my downward spiral. there was so much more that I had yet to learn. I should have known right then that I should run and not look back but no. The first night we were together he took me to his friend Larry’s house. While at this bar two of the salesmen recognized me and came up to say hi . I bought a new car within the first few weeks of living there and one night George and I went to this sports bar. and Larry answered the door wielding a gun. The restrictions I would have to endure would be not having custody of my kids and leaving my house and most of my belongings behind. and that one day Matt would let me take the kids with me to wherever I was living. George. I still thought that this was such a great idea. due to potential intruders. who I’d met in a bar (bad mistake). Matt and our kids weren’t the only ones that I hurt either. brother or any other family members or friends who were in our lives. married couple with whom I’d been chatting and I thought I would stay with until I found a job and a place of my own. This is how delusional that I really was at the time. After being there for a week I already found a boyfriend. dad. I didn’t even think about his mom. The excitement of moving to a new place and being away from the small town was what kept me motivated to go through with the divorce.

I was really scared so I packed up my stuff and in the middle of the night I left to go back to Michigan. His mother came running out and helped him pick up his beer and get him in the house. He wanted to leave that second so I told him to get his fucking ass out into the car. and went back down south to my friends’ house and left my family once again. He said no so I pushed him out of the car. So. again. He was telling me that he was sorry and that he wanted me to come back and that he missed me. He was trying to grab his beer off the car floor so I picked it up and threw it at him in the driveway. With the door still open wide I threw the car in reverse. I packed back up. After it happened I was really scared because I could have hurt him. I tore out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell and took him home. after being back home for a week or so. When we got in his mother’s driveway he was still yelling at me and I opened the passenger door and told him to get out. I was back at Matt’s house and with the kids and I even got a job and was going to stay home and George started calling me.and this started a fight between George and me. He had a 12 pack of beer in the front on the floor and when he got in he began yelling at me about what a whore I was and that I had to be fucking those guys. . I went back to where I was staying and George started calling me and threatening me because of what I did at his house. floored it and rolled him right there in the drive way.

Before long.I was in denial about George and his drinking problem. . They didn’t want the police called because of the illegal activities that went on there. As we were at my car I got the doors unlocked but before George could get in these two guys came up and pulled him away from the car and started beating him up. I couldn’t really see how awful he was to me when he drank whiskey and I was just looking at this as having fun and I could put up with it as long as I was having a good time. He was really drunk and it was time to leave the bar and as we were walking out there were some other guys leaving too and I made a comment like did you get kicked out too? and the one guy looked at me strange but I just laughed it off. I was terrified and I all could do was stand there and listen to them beating George up. I couldn’t find George anywhere and all the guys had run off. There was a third guy who grabbed me away from my car and he was holding me back telling me that he was going to rape me while they killed my boyfriend. George was in very bad shape and when we got to his mother’s house and she immediately called the ambulance and the police. I drove around looking for George. The first real problem happened when George and I went to a biker bar one night. I drove back up to the bar and before long some bikers were bringing George out and putting him in the car. and since we didn’t know the guys who beat him up anyhow there really was no point in calling the police. I was let go. but I still couldn’t find him.

I found that I had been robbed and all I had left were my clothes and personal items. even though it was his fault. night. I moved all of my things (television. toiletries) into my furnished apartment. They weren’t happy that I was seeing George and they were upset about what happened that night at the bar when we got attacked. While I was at work. but I still wasn’t ready to be alone and still put up with his drinking because he wasn’t that bad yet. I was also seeing how much of a mother’s boy George was. I was still working my third shift job and this kept me away from George during his worst time. but I did move out without consequence of breaking the lease. I didn’t get anything from the landlord for damages. clothes. radio. After returning home one morning from work. He seemed almost scared to . the previous tenant currently lived across the street and never returned his keys prior to moving out and the landlord failed to change the locks on my door. After the robbery I had to move into a motel for a couple of weeks and mom and grandma helped pay for it while I tried to get some money saved up. The job I had at this time was working third shift at a copy factory so I wasn’t home at night. little did I know that this was in a bad drug area.After staying with Jeffery and Casey for about six weeks it was time to get my own place. I found an apartment quickly. so my apartment was like an open invitation to the previous renter while I was gone and he took what he wanted and left me the rest.

She liked to blame me for his drinking. After this incident I bought a trailer and moved it out of . He was 27. not working. I went to stay with George and his mother because it was just too expensive for me to keep staying at the motel. He would get money from his mother. telling her he wanted something to eat and then go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of whiskey. He came into the bedroom where I was sleeping and started going off about anything and everything. One night George after drinking with some neighbors George came home with a BB gun and we thought it was real. After staying at the motel for a few weeks. His mom and I finally got out of the house and away from George and she called the police. and anything else he wanted. They ended up taking George to jail for being drunk and disorderly and he was ordered into some sort of treatment. living at home. At this time I was still in the early stages of being single and didn’t really know anyone but George and his family. George’s drinking became worse and I began to learn that he was a very violent alcoholic. and George could go up there any time he wanted to get cigarettes or food. food. At the time he didn’t have his own car so he didn’t need gas and I was the one that had to drive him around. I didn’t have any friends yet but I’d only been in the south for about three months or so. She worked at a party store. but she added to this more than I. and she gave him money for cigarettes.stay gone from his mother for a night and always wanted to go back home instead of spending the night with me.

When I told him no. that I was tired. The first thing I noticed was a window broke out in the front near the door. It was nice to be on my own again and not to be living with someone. I had just gotten a job working at a factory on second shift and was finally making friends and away from George. Just by chance at work that day I got a phone number from a coworker in case of an emergency and I called her to see if I could come to her house for night and she said yes. the blinds were all torn down from the windows and all of the windows but one were broken.town and away from him although we were still seeing each other. he was insistent that I had a guy there with me and he told me he was coming out there and that he would burn my fucking house down. The television and VCR were on the floor and the entire house looked as if a tornado went through it. I just wanted to leave to be on the safe side. One night he called me after I got home from work and wanted me to drive back in to town and pick him up. I was furious! I called the police but George had a police scanner and knew I called before they even arrived. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I got home. He called his mother to cry to her about this and she called to talk me . He even went so far as to urinate on the mattress in my bedroom. All of my medicine had been dumped down the kitchen sink. but when I walked in I almost choked. All of the furniture was flipped upside down. Never in a million years did I really think George would do anything.

There was nothing he could do legally to stop us from moving the trailer and if he felt that I owed him money he would have to take me to court. and then I decided to let him move in with me. he would wake me up and I would have to go out and get him more. Reluctantly I agreed. George’s drinking became so bad that he would stay up all night drinking and when he ran out of his drink of choice.out of pressing charges telling me that she would pay for the windows to be replaced. It wasn’t until later that I found out his mother was the one who brought him out to my trailer and watched him do all that to my home. Moving day came on Thanksgiving Day and I knew it was going to cause some trouble because the landlord said I owed him money and he was making a fuss about the night George came over and vandalized my trailer. So I moved as planned and I never heard from the landlord again. All of the decisions I was making were in the hopes that he would straighten out. It ended up being a good decision to move and I was really happy at the new location. We called Larry to come down to act like he was George’s dad. stop drinking and quit being an asshole. Shortly after this incident I decided to move my trailer to closer to my job. It was either I go out or he took my car and droves drunk to . That should have been the end all to our relationship but I took him for his word when he said he would stop drinking. and since he was a retired police officer he knew what to say to shut the landlord up. get a job.

just to get away from George and his drunken stupidity. I came out and sat on the couch and George was sitting at the kitchen table and he started talking about his dead father and how much he missed him. He suddenly stated that he wanted to go and be with his daddy. I began to think that he was going to kill the both of us. or who as he put it. but he wasn’t going alone. in his drunken stupor of course. I was . I actually had to lock my bedroom door at night so he would stay out and let me sleep.m. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. One night he chased me down the hall because I told him I wasn’t going out for beer and he wasn’t taking my car. He told me that he couldn’t die knowing that I would find someone else and that he would know I was having sex with someone other than him. He eventually won and went to get his beer because I had to work in the morning and I was sick of fighting and I was scared of him. He came in and woke me at about 3:30 am to tell me. If he just drank beer he was fairly tolerable but when he broke out the whiskey I knew I was in for trouble. The same old story when he was drinking. He constantly accused me of sleeping around and if I wasn’t home from work within 10 minutes of punching out he would go to the plant and see what. I had to go with him.wherever he wanted to go. There were many times I would go to work at 4:00 a. I remember the night Princess Diana was killed in the car accident. I finally talked him down from this state of mind and was able to go back to bed for an hour or so before having to get up and go to work.

we had a costume contest at work and I dressed up as Raggedy Ann. even though he had nowhere to go and I had no money to pay for it. but I never dared talk about anyone from work because in his eyes all girls are whores and any guys I ever talked about I must be sleeping with. It was fun being at work as I had a lot of great friends.doing. One Halloween. Another night George got drunk and he decided to go outside and drive his truck around the back yard where he got it stuck. After a couple of hours I finally talked him out of it. not at that time anyhow and when I got home from work that day George met me at the door and started ranting about my kissing someone and I thought how could he know that Stan kissed me when I was inside the plant? But he was implying all guys. I think at this point I felt that if I married him he would change. another drunken thought. I think that is a big misconception many women have of men who are alcoholics. There was nothing sexual about our friendship. This pissed me off because he wanted me to call a wrecker right then. Before I knew it we were talking about getting married the next day. At the end of the day one of my good friends Stan and I were talking and after finding out I won the contest he kissed me quick congratulating me however us kissing was nothing new. I wanted so badly for the good part of him to be out all the time and was in such denial that I wouldn’t accept the fact that this would probably . drug addicts and/or abusive.

I haven’t mentioned my kids at all during this time and that’s because I didn’t talk to them a whole lot and I had only seen them maybe two times in the first year and a half that I was gone. He hung our marriage certificate up on the wall and told people it was his Certificate of Ownership. His mother was so-so on the issue. He just puked until there was nothing left and then he passed out. mom didn’t speak to me for a couple of weeks. Maybe because we both knew that they would agree this was a terrible idea. but when I called my mom she wouldn’t even talk to me.never happen. The next morning I called in sick to work and we went to the courthouse and got married. I felt this was the only way out of this disaster of a relationship but it never happened. Many times when he got sick like that he would just start drinking all over again. He really did believe this and I told him he was full of shit and I left it at that. One night he was so drunk I could hear him in the bathroom vomiting and I can remember lying in bed hoping he would choke on it and be dead in the morning. After the marriage we told our families since we didn’t tell anyone we were doing it beforehand. Grandma always put up with whatever I did. . She put the phone down and told my grandma to talk to me. and knowing now what I do I completely understand her point of view when it came to him and me. Needless to say nothing changed unless you call the drinking getting worse a change.

At the hospital they put a cast on his arm until surgery could be performed to realign the bone and we went home. George flipped out and we would have a big fight after the phone call ended. If I threatened that I would leave he’d quit drinking for a few days. jumped over their porch railing and fell. One day when I was at work George called to tell me he broke his arm and that the bone was sticking through the skin and I needed to come home immediately to take him to the hospital. Marie flipped out and told me I was a bitch for not stopping and called me a whore and countless other names. I .George was so jealous that whenever I called to talk to my kids he would listen to the conversation over his scanner and if I talked to Matt at all. Needless to say this became the biggest war I would wage in this marriage. but then it would start all over again just when things seemed to settle down. As we were leaving George’s sister Marie was pulling in but we kept on driving because he wanted to get home. This made for fun family gatherings. George actually listened in on all my telephone conversations and anything that sounded funny to him was reason enough for him to go out and get something to drink and start the cycle of fun all over again. He said a guy at the neighbor’s house tried to shoot him and he turned to run. his sisters and I would all try and get him to admit his drinking problem and get some type of help. Many times George’s mom. Marie began trying to run me off the road whenever she saw me and was threatening to kick my ass.

He kept on drinking and was more and more violent. I was missing out on so much with co-workers since I couldn’t go to any functions because of George’s jealousy. especially about something so pointless. I was so hopeful this .avoided her at all costs because she was psychotic and I wouldn’t give her the opportunity to do anything. or so he said. He stayed away for about one month and during this time it was so peaceful. Finally George hit rock bottom and one night he agreed to go to a treatment center and his mother and I took him to one about two hours away. He had his mother buy him a 12 pack of beer for the ride to the treatment because this would be his last time. It was a long admission process. He told me more than once that he would never let me leave him and his certificate of ownership gave him the right not to divorce me and that I would die before he would give me a divorce. I was terrified and the only peace I had was when I went to work. Our marriage became worse after his surgery. He eventually talked his way back in to the house and promised for the hundredth time (or so it seemed) that he wouldn’t drink but the drinking resumed. but he finally got admitted and we were able to go home. The fights got so bad and I was getting to this point of hatred that his mother convinced him to move out for a while and give me some space. I was so relaxed and this was a first for me. He was more verbally abusive and damaged my home more.

but he said he would just start walking. The police entered the house. He was leaving and by all rights he could because he was a self-admitted patient. He thought that because he was drunk they would let him stay but they just told . so I called his mother and we went to pick him up. He remained sober for 42 days and then the night of my 27th birthday he decided to go on a binge. and he asked me what the police were doing there. My friends at work gave me the strength I needed to finally get George out of my house and out of my life before he really did hurt me. I spent most of the day at the courthouse and then at the sheriff’s department waiting for some officers to follow me home. if he wouldn’t leave on his own. Behind George’s back I retained a lawyer and discussed my options. that we weren’t coming. The lawyer advised me to immediately go in front of a judge and request a restraining order against George. executed the restraining order and told him to gather his belongings and leave the premises. When I walked in the house he was sitting on the couch drunk again. I told him they were there to help him move.time but the second day into treatment George called me at work and told me to come and get him. Then with the restraining order. I told him no. the police would follow me to my house and physically remove him. I can remember trying to drive faster than the police so that I could get in the house before they exited their cars. I wanted to see the look on George’s face when he found out why the police were there. That was the beginning of the end.

So who did he call but his crazy sister Marie. but he asked again implying that someone else was in the house with me holding me against my will. I was furious! The officer told me that my mother had called them and she was afraid . I was coming home one day and I saw a police car driving away from my house. I just happened to get up to go to the bathroom when I heard someone talking outside. One night George called my mother and grandma in Las Vegas and told them he was going to kill me. I told him yes. Then he told me why he was there. with George in the backseat. It seems that George had come over to take the deck off the house because he built it. His mother was so mad! She couldn’t believe that I would have him arrested. but she just came and got him and left and later that night his mother came and got the truck and left peacefully. The police made everyone leave and his mother went to bail him out.him to call for a ride and have someone come to get his truck later. The restraining order didn’t have much impact on George. There were many other cars and people in my yard. again. but since it was attached to the house he had no legal right to take it down. I thought it was George and I looked out the bedroom window and saw a police car was in the drive. When I heard what George had done. Then I heard a knock on the door and the officer asked me my name and if I was alone. Earlier that night I had turned my phone off because he kept calling and he was driving me crazy.

that he had or that he would hurt me so the officer came to do a welfare check. had an apartment and she had told me I could come there anytime I needed to so I called her and she told me to come over. We went out every Friday night and we had so much fun. I got out of the shower and put a towel around me and went to the door. Then he started in about Scottie being at my house and why he was sleeping there. He pushed me into the . Scottie and I began spending a lot of time together and he had spent the night this one night and the next afternoon he went home to get something and I got in the shower shortly after he left. I was meeting people and making friends and I started seeing a guy that Sandy had been a friend with for some time. I let him come in and see that I was ok and then I called my mom to let her know I was ok. He had an excuse that he wanted to get something out of the shed and I told him to just do it and leave. Sandy and I talked about it and she had decided to move in with me. Sandy. He had been sitting at the end of the road watching the house and waiting for Scottie to leave. I began yelling at George and somehow I ended up out on the porch. He had caused such fear in my family over the past year and a half that I was surprised they hadn’t had heart attacks themselves. I was so mad that all I could think was it was a good thing I didn’t own a gun or he would have been dead. One of my good friends from work. Then I heard a vehicle outside and when I looked out the window I saw it was George. I was glad to have her around.

They wanted me to finish my drink and then all go back to my house to go swimming. naked and Dave and Pamela both . Dave and Pamela.door and told me I was a whore. This was his favorite name for any woman. so that night the four of us went there. He was laughing at me telling me what a whore I was to be out on the porch with no clothes on. I filed another report against him. I have flashes of memory about the five of us being out in the pool. even his mother. until the other girl’s husband got there. There was a gay bar that I liked to frequent because it was so much fun and I had become friends with one of the drag queens there. I sort of remember a third girl being there and she left with us and her husband was going to meet up with her at my house when he got off work. I was not thinking and I took my towel off right outside. We left the bar and the last thing I remember was driving toward my house and sitting at the stoplight to go home. The reports seemed to be piling up. I went in the house and called the police again so they could take pictures of my side where George threw me up against the door. Chapter 3 One night Stan wanted me to go out with him and this other couple from work. in the middle of the day and started swinging it at him telling him to get out of my yard. During this night I had gotten up once to go to the bathroom and when I came back everyone said they were ready to go. Sandy was out for the night so it would just be the five of us.

actually after I heard about what all went on that night I didn’t speak to Stan again for several months. I got out of the pool and ran into my house and answered the door naked. She told him he was a pig and she went to bed. he slept on the couch. George’s stalking and mental abuse caused me to have a . She told me that I was lying in bed naked and passed out with the lights on and the radio blaring. Stan and I never spoke of that night. Not that it would make it ok. I was totally humiliated and everyone at work seemed to know that I was a wild one and also about what went on that night. to some guy I never had met before. This next part is repeated from Pamela at work on Monday. Someone was out in the front yard and it was the other girl’s husband. Once Sandy got Stan out of my room he decided to try and get her into bed. had I known him though. Sandy and I talked about it later and believe that something was put into my drink that night because out of all the times that she and I went out drinking and nothing like that ever happened with my memory or the other things that went on that night.trying to get me to have sex with Pamela. I guess Stan came into the house and got me into my bedroom and decided he was going to have sex with me and let everyone watch. That just goes to show what kind of people you may think your friends really are. Luckily by this time Sandy had come home and made everyone leave.

This was for the safety of others and myself. There was a door that separated me from the outer area. The nurse took me to my room and Sandy was allowed to go with me until I got checked all in. He was there for severe depression. but we weren’t allowed lighters. his family and his choice of lifestyle. he was enlightening to be around and we clicked instantly. medicine then I got to say goodbye to Sandy. Sandy left work with me to take me home and get some things and then take me to the hospital. hair dryer. I was locked in my room for the first day. We decided to stay . This was where I met Donald. I had never been to a place like this before and was a bit shocked by the whole thing. The first thing they did at the hospital was take everything away from me: shoelaces. Everyone knew something was wrong since I never acted that way toward anyone especially towards management. His ex-wife was a sheriff in another county and he was having a hard time dealing with the divorce. Then I was allowed time out to go to counseling and group meetings and some free time. then I was alone. I could smoke outside. and another door from the more questionable patients. I went up to the nurse’s office and she helped me get into a psychiatric/drug rehabilitation hospital so that I could get the help I needed with all the mental abuse that I had suffered.breakdown at work one day and I started yelling at the plant manager when he tried to talk to me. sort of an observation/detoxification day. I was also allowed to use the phone for a specified amount of time on certain days.

We always had a great time and were usually the life of the party. This one night Sandy and I got into a fight over something and we were fighting all the way out to the car. I felt good and had good group sessions that helped me get a handle on the mental abuse I had suffered. We got into the car and she was driving when I told her I wanted her to stop the car and she wouldn’t stop she just told me to wait and we’d be home soon. There was a curve and a parking lot next to it coming up. I walked for what seemed to be forever. that I was going to be sick and when she stopped the car I grabbed the keys from the ignition and took off running. He and his cousin stayed with me until Sandy got home from work to be sure I was ok and that George didn’t show up at my house. Our house was a . As time went on I continued going out with Sandy. I was able to return to work and perform my job. I had her in a headlock and was punching her in the face as we were walking toward the car. This was at about 3:00 am and I was walking through a predominantly black neighborhood with no thought about what may or may not happen to me. so I told her to go into the parking lot. I apologized to the plant manager and everyone else around me for my behavior.in contact after my discharge since I was leaving before he was. After four days. Scottie came and picked me up from the hospital and took me home. enjoying the show I guess. Two guys in a truck were cheering us on. I suffered no ill effects from the incident that ultimately resulted in my placement within the treatment center.

When we got to my house Sandy was on the porch talking to her boyfriend. in my drunken stupor. I wasn’t. worried about what may have happened to me. He said he was cute but never dated him. later I would find out . I was a heavy binge drinker and my drinking started at home before I even got to the bar. they were just friends. Then I saw this guy walking out of a house and I walked over to him and asked him if he would give me a ride home and that I would give him $10. I had to go somewhere and he offered to ride along and afterward he wanted to stop by a friend’s house that he wanted me to meet. When I got out of the car and walked up to Sandy I ripped the phone out of her hand.00 for gas money. He looked at me like I was crazy. a slow social drinker. When he honked the horn Sandy went outside and told him if he didn’t leave she was calling the cops.good distance away (miles) and I. I got in touch with Donald after he was released from the hospital and one day we decided to go out. He said yes and when he got in the car I told him that if he was going to rape me to do it and get it over with because I just wanted to get home. threw it against the house and then I went inside. decided that I would walk home. so he left. This is how I acted when I drank straight tequila. but that probably knocked out any thoughts he may have had thinking maybe I was crazy. and am still not. She came in soon after and the guy was still in the driveway waiting for his money.

but then what do I know about relationships? Apparently nothing as seen from my history. he had a car. He’d hide in the closets. At first the relationship seemed fine. I met James and we all sat around drinking and talking and I decided to spend the night and go to work from there in the morning. Sandy knew of the drug use going on and being a recovering addict herself decided she needed to move out. That night he stayed. I didn’t really quite see the fun about this drug. then he would act very strange. but then I wondered what was wrong with him. I thought this was funny at first. and he seemed to be pretty level headed. and never left and this was the beginning of the end of many things for me. My surgery went well and after two days I was able to return home. James told me of his occasional use of crack. When we woke up there was water all over the floor in the bedroom. I was very upset. We would go out and he would buy $20. but I had another thing coming.00 worth and smoke it. Well. but when given a choice I chose James over Sandy. and sneak around saying they were coming to get him. rock form of cocaine. I was scheduled to have a hysterectomy and James and Donald went with me that morning got me checked into the hospital then they left me there alone. close all the curtains. something had broke and I told him if he needed a place to stay until it was fixed he could stay with Sandy and me. Who are they? I was thinking. . Well. He was unemployed. and his own trailer. At the end of October 1999. but getting a check.otherwise.

Telling the nurse that I hadn’t tried to commit suicide and that I was discharged two days prior after having a hysterectomy. neither Donald nor James could take a minute out of their day to come to check on me. then left. To my surprise there was no one there to take me home.The only visitor I had was George’s mother. Then Donald told me that I had been asleep for two days and that the pain medicine must have been good to make me sleep like that. The nurse got my chart out and agreed that I wasn’t suicidal and then I was discharged. He said I needed to go to the hospital. James and Donald were coming in the door talking about how they had just come back from voting and James threw and I VOTED pin on my lap while they joked about where they had been. I don’t even remember who took me home from the hospital. The next thing I remember was waking up a couple of days later. In my car! There I was. I didn’t have any reason to think that James would try to hurt me. so he took me there and dropped me off. James told me I had tried to commit suicide and that was why all of my pills were gone that I had gotten two days prior. Lying on a bed in the emergency room. but I would learn a lot in the coming weeks and I would be able to reflect back on the attempted suicide that James was so determined to be true. I also . I called James a couple of times and he finally answered the phone! I told him he better come and get me now! And he did. but I had some pain medication that I needed to take so I had it filled on the way home.

but I wasn’t going to cry and beg him to stay. One night when James was gone one of his drug buddies. . I didn’t know what was going on or if something had happened. It wasn’t a big deal that James was leaving. She bought some crack. but I went over there anyhow. His unemployment had run out. with my money I guess because I had cashed a check at a store somewhere that night. I think he figured that since I had smoked crack with Pam that I was probably a potential source of cash for drugs. He didn’t stay gone for long. When James found out he was pissed off and decided he was moving out. I was a little upset. I remember her driving my car to the very dangerous drug dealers’ circle and murders happened there all the time. called me and wanted to know if I wanted to come over and we could go out.learned that he had tried to kill me by dumping all the medicine out of the capsules into something I was drinking so I would take the medicine and not know it. and there wasn’t anything I could do about it but sit and wait. he had no money and no job so he needed all the assistance he could get in obtaining his daily high. The story the next day was that I was smoking it with her that night too but I don’t remember either way. James’s occasional use turned in to a nightly thing and then he would disappear for a day or two out of the blue. He started packing his clothes and Donald was just standing there staring at me. I told her I would but by then I was pretty drunk since I’d been drinking all day. Pam.

I also found out that many of the dealers didn’t like James because he was a liar and a scam artist. two sisters who always seemed to have crack or have a way to get it. James knew a lot of the dealers and would call them up for larger amounts of crack. blah (this coming from a 70 year old drug dealer).00 though. James eventually introduced me to an old man. blah. But this was where lots of people did their business. blah. James’s friends started coming around some with drugs and some without. and fast. not just $20.00 or $50. James was also very insistent that I would not be the one to actually pick up the drugs and I didn’t realize why until later when I seemed to be paying for a lot and getting very little in return. Pop seemed ok at first and would often talk to me about why I was doing drugs and that I should clean myself up. At this point. .I don’t really remember the first time I smoked crack with James but I do know that the drug got a hold of me. Pop who sold drugs out of his house. It seemed like we always ended up at the dealer’s circle. $100. One night we went to the circle and the house we usually went to was taped up because of a murder there the night before. And if he couldn’t find someone out there to buy from we’d just go back into town and find someone else. These two were so manipulative and secretive and I was always getting screwed one way or another by at least one of them.00 or more. but James didn’t seem to mind he just went around the circle house-to-house until found someone to buy from. I was also introduced to Grace and Carolyn.

no television and no radio. I felt that I had to have this drug all the time and I couldn’t wait to get the next hit. Before long I began to pawn anything that was of value in my house: televisions. Donald and Pamela loaned me a television and I didn’t even have it for a day when James pawned it. Just the hope that someone would come over with some drugs. I believed that he would be home in an hour or so and eventually this turned into several days at a time. And now that I’m in my right mind. entry date unknown: “Grace and Carolyn loved to use me because of my car. I didn’t know what to do since my cash was limited and the television wasn’t mine to . Money wasn’t always there to purchase the drugs that we needed and we would find other means of getting them. which I let her do. Grace also claimed that she could sell my furniture.my addiction had completely taken over my life. VCRs. These days I would just sit at my house with no car. I don’t even know the reasoning for selling the furniture save for the reason that I wanted money for drugs. Taken from my journal. the only problem was that I never got any money for anything. Donald was still in the picture and he let me know that he and James had been together in previous times. what would I sit on or sleep on or watch?” James always left me at home with no car and a promise that he would be back with some crack. radios. jewelry. At that time I wasn’t thinking of moving and if I had no furniture or television.

and he kicked her out regularly too and could be abusive toward her. She and James had a thing going on. one Sunday . at least not like that. The paranoia that crack addicts endure is enough to make anyone crazy.begin with. to make him feel safer from them. Norma was wanted by the cops for outstanding warrants and was always terrified any time she was in the car. I remember James putting blankets over all the windows because he would always be peeking out them when he was high and repeatedly saying that they were coming for him. one of our dealers). He was the only one who knew the code to it and this would play a part in why I would be arrested for the first and only time. I would lock myself in the bathroom just to have some peace and quiet while I was getting high. James would hide in the closets and sneak around with all the lights off. Another one of James’s girlfriends. They were the police (coming to arrest him) or the drug dealers (who he had ripped off). Norma was pregnant with her third or fourth child and her boyfriend was a dealer who we used regularly. Norma (D’s girlfriend. came and went but eventually moved in with us. in my life. I was just too naïve to know it or to allow myself to see it. Neither of them had custody of their kids so the kids lived with his mother until they could prove to be fit parents. Crack never made me paranoid. The state that we lived in only sold alcohol on Sundays in certain counties and our county wasn’t one of them so. One day we got an alarm system installed in the house.

Norma and her friend were freaking out and took off as soon as I got back to my house for fear of the cops coming. I was very drunk and what I have just recalled is mostly repeated from Norma and the following is repeated from James. but he set the alarm before he left and I opened the door and it went off. We then went to get some crack and back home to smoke it. I was driving all over the road. I hit a mailbox that broke my windshield and I also blew out the tire on the passenger side of my car. After that we went to the store and I got a fifth of tequila and I drank the whole bottle during the hour drive home. After we got home I decided to drive somewhere and I had Norma and her friend with me in the car. When we first got to the city. and I almost hit some kids that were playing outside. Norma wanted to go to this house that she supposedly lived in at one time and she wanted to get her things. I was out in the back yard playing with my dogs and James finally got me in the house then he decided to leave. The police came but James just happened to be there when the police got there and he told them everything was ok and they left but then James set the alarm and left again and when I did the same thing again the police returned and they weren’t too happy that they had to come back and they arrested me for being . me and another lady took the hour drive to get some liquor. Norma.James. No one was home so she and James broke in and took what she said was hers but I only remember her taking a wind chime off the porch.

He bitched me out the whole way back to my house and told me that he knew I was on drugs and that he was going to call my mother and tell her how bad I looked and that I was a crack whore. but she didn’t know whom.drunk and disorderly. James knew the PIN to my ATM. I thought that I had called James to come and get me but who came walking in but George. Donald and Pamela were all in the living room and when I asked James why he didn’t come and get me and he gave some stupid excuse and then bitched me out for getting arrested. and he had forged my checks to get money while I was in jail so he could buy drugs. I was screaming and hitting my head on the window like a crazy person and then off to jail I went. I found that my driver’s license was missing as well as some checks and my ATM card. I never could . The next day. I had been there for eight hours and they’d tried to wake me after four hours but I wouldn’t wake up. I had called him and his mother to get me out of jail! What a mistake that was. When I got home and walked in the house James. My mother called a few minutes later to ask me what had happened because George had gone straight home and called her to tell her that I was addicted to crack and that I had just gotten out of jail for being drunk and disorderly. According to neighbors I wasn’t going easily and both male cops had to pick me up and force me in the back seat. I was awakened by a female cop who told me that I had called someone to come and bail me out.

Also by this time I had begun buying/picking up the drugs and James didn’t like that at all.prove for positive about this. I should be the one to get the drugs. If I was the one doing all this stuff to get the money. I went along with it. He wasn’t scared though. or whatever. or maybe he just didn’t care if he got killed or hurt anyone else for that matter. By this time I had been addicted to crack for a month or so. and then trade the stuff to the drug dealers for crack. He would even go to the dealer’s homes and rip them off there and not give it a second thought. not that there is ever a good name in drug dealing. The dealers were leery of James because his brother was . but I got back at him for all the times that he had stolen my part of the drugs. Christmas was coming up and I had no money to get anything for my kids. James got the bright idea to go to stores and write checks for gift cards. but I eventually figured this out. He was becoming quite well known for his running off without paying and it was becoming more and more dangerous for both of us with each passing day. It didn’t take long for the word to spread that James was very crooked and that he should be watched or even shot if he was seen out in public and shouldn’t be served no matter what. It was often a struggle with him to make him stay outside when I went into the dealer’s house. not realizing at the time how much trouble I could get into for this. James began to make quite a bad name for him within the drug-dealing circle.

00 in crack then James sped off with the drugs in hand. Well these people figured it out right away and tried to chase us down and were threatening to kill us. He decided that he would sell pills that looked like narcotic pain pills that were really vitamin C pills and make some quick money. Once a dealer handed him $100. He always had a reason to handle the drugs before he paid. James began to think of new ways to get money and rip people off too. Chapter 4 It seemed that James’s fears of others were true due to the fact that he was always ripping someone off. this type of action would be the reason that his sister Cindy would be gang raped by a couple of dealers who James had ripped off previously. One night he did this and he was dumb enough to sit around for a bit and not run off as he did so often before. We were running for our lives on a daily basis and little did I know that James was going to get me into more trouble and put me in harm’s way more than once. He had also been stealing my pain pills and selling them to one of his friends and using that money to buy crack with too. When James found this out he was on a mission to find those responsible for the rape and kill them but that would be close to impossible.also a DEA agent up in the northern part of the state. but this didn’t hold him back from all his illegal activities. or so James had said. One night James decided that if he couldn’t get back at them on his own. Unfortunately. he would take my two dogs and let them loose in the neighborhood where .

We drove around the city for over an hour trying to outrun these guys. It’s like the drugs made me lose my conscience. This time James told the kid I was the buyer and I wanted to see it first. All that mattered was that he was getting high. our every move. It didn’t even bother me that I was letting my dogs go. James also liked to try and pimp me out to anyone he could as long as he would get something in return. the animals that I loved and cared for over the past two years. When James put the crack in my hand. I was very uncomfortable with this.00 in crack. Then he realized that they were still out there. he took off and drove like hell to get away. He never worried that something could happen to me. and I had no remorse whatsoever. One night we were sitting in a pharmacy parking lot in James’s car and this other car pulled up and a guy got out and came over to my door. When we thought we were safe we went back to my house. waiting for us to leave again. probably in exchange for money owed. no matter what the cost. They were watching my house. There was another time that James called this young kid who was dealing and told him to meet us at this shopping center and to bring $100. When James saw who it was he took off just as the guy almost opened the door to grab me from the car. We snuck out of the house and went to the park behind my house and waited until he thought it was safe to go home. There were many times that James and I went .the rape occurred and maybe this would reach the ones responsible for the rape.

I just felt grossed out by the whole sex act thing and was terrified any time James left me at someone’s house since I knew that he had worked something out prior to his departure and I was pretty much expected to do whatever was asked of me. Everyone acted like they cared about me. but the lure of drugs often made me cave. I told James that they changed their minds so he wouldn’t flip out and make me go back up there. Growing up in such a small town and area. I had no experience with prostitution or drugs other than marijuana. The temptation of drugs sitting right in front of me and knowing that I could have them was enough to push me to the edge of should I or shouldn’t I? I was still a very naive person who thought everyone was my friend. I was very disgusted by this.00. Nothing happened because I was pretty freaked out and grossed out and I got out of there as fast as I could. I was completely disgusted by this and can still remember how they all looked at me as if they all wanted a piece . James once took me to this apartment full of Mexicans who spoke no English and was trying to trade me for $20. yet they still gave me drugs. I hated James just taking me to these places and leaving me so I could earn the drugs. or he would try and get me to trade sex for the crack. I didn’t know what they were discussing but James just left me there.to these apartments where these two brothers stayed who he would get crack from and James would either drive them around to pick up the drugs from other dealers.

of me. we were desperate yet again and James called another young dealer and asked him if he wanted to trade us an eight ball for my car. This other time. One night he and I went to the bar and I saw a friend Dave who I had met through Sandy. buy the drugs and then go off and smoke it all before Dave was able to come over. my car worth at least $5000. The next morning Dave told James that he was going to be getting a check over $1000. It was all spent within in a matter of hours. We did and we got the drugs and returned home. or even get any of his money from that check. An eight ball was worth about $150. However.00 and he wanted to spend some of it with us but had no way of cashing it. Then meet us back at our place later that afternoon. Dave kept coming to the house. James liked to live on the edge. but he was never able to get a hold of James. the next day he called and said he wanted his money and would give us the car back. He and James began talking and before long the conversation turned to drugs. The kid said yes and told us to come over and he would then take us back home. Dave made it known that he liked to smoke crack sometimes and James and Dave decided that the three of us would spend the night partying as Dave had some money that he was more than willing to share.00.00 to $200. James told him to sign it and leave it in our mailbox then he’d cash it and get the drugs. I don’t think anything ever scared him other than his drug-induced paranoia.00. We didn’t have the money so James got this bright idea . What James did was cash the check.

to call the DEA and tell them about what was going on and if they could get the car back without us getting into trouble James would turn in this dealer. James never shared any responsibility himself. James finally saw the kid pull in with my car and I went to sit back in my bedroom. James was going to have the kid walk back there to get the money from me and the agents would jump him before he got back there. According to James I was the drug addict when the agents came over and needed any information. The kid was nervous as to why we would want him to come back there and when the agents sensed this they came out and threw him to the floor. I agreed and they asked for any drug paraphernalia that I had in the house and they told me if I didn’t give them what I had they wouldn’t go along with the plan and that I would go to jail for what was going on. James told him yes and the kid said he’d be there soon. The agents talked to me about my problem and told me I needed to get help for it. The agents knew who the kid was when he told . Their vehicle was parked behind my house so no one would see them there and the agents were hiding out in my house while I was anxiously awaiting what was going to happen next. He was just glaring at me. so I got my pipes and gave them to the agents. Then the kid called and asked if we had the money. All I remember of that kid was seeing the whites of his eyes and that scared the hell out of me. The agents waited for what seemed like forever.

them his name. This is when I would get down on the floor and pick through every piece of carpet that I could to see if any crack was dropped by anyone so that I could smoke it. I remember thinking that if anyone could see me now they’d think I was crazy but I kept on doing it for about three hours and I don’t think I found anything but a lot of non-smoke able products. After everyone left. There was an old man that she had been staying with who was out of town and Christina told James that she knew he had things in his shed that they could steal and trade for drugs. my car back and the drugs that had fallen in the takedown all for free. That’s a big thing for addicts who don’t have any present means of obtaining drugs. that high only lasted about 15 minutes and then I wanted more. The two of them . There were cops all over the yard when they took the kid away. We found a big crack rock under the couch and we smoked it. The agents left too and I was happy that I had my car back. James and I searched the living room for any drugs that may have fallen in the arrest. all were drug addicts and this one girl. (I wonder how many days it had been since I’d eaten or showered? These weren’t at the top of my priority list and I wasn’t worried about it either). In my mind I felt that I hit the jackpot. Christina (she was pregnant). James knew a lot of people. his mother was a 911 operator in the town where he lived. or whatever. At this time I began carpet crawling for more crack. I got the eight ball. sex. was always staying at one place or another in exchange for drugs. Not bad. however.

James had taken my ATM card and some checks and had been putting fake deposits into the account and then quickly withdrew the cash back out. Not one time did I ever worry that what we were doing was illegal and that I could go to jail for it. all I wanted was to get my fix at that time and worry about the rest later. I had no knowledge of this until someone told me about it later. And without getting caught James and Christina then went to the dealer’s house to do some trading. when there was some sort of changeover with the computers and the banking system and the system wouldn’t detect that there was no money in the account but he could still withdraw cash. I learned that drug dealers would take anything of value. By the time James was done stealing the money and passing stolen checks there were an estimated two thousand dollars worth of checks and withdrawals owed. Even though there was no money in my checking account James would find ways to invent money. We were buying things that the dealers wanted for Christmas gifts and exchanging them for drugs. but the payout was about half of the retail cost of the items. There were times that gift cards would be purchased with bad checks and then traded for drugs. James and Christina went into the shed and got out lawn equipment or whatever James could fit in the trunk. He would falsify around midnight. I think the one dealer had his whole Christmas furnished by the bad check passing.went over to his house. .

Yeah. Even though I was a drug addict. either to use my car or when they thought we might have or may be getting some drugs. I had become acquainted with the drug dealers and James was getting pushed to the side more and more. I still had a friendly side to me and wanted to think that these dealers were my friends. I came close to being killed. James often sent me off with these dealers to make a run. I wasn’t doing the most legal things. and everyone else around us. It also appalls me that James was supposed to be my boyfriend and he let all of this go on and didn’t even give me a second thought. As I sit here now and reflect on my memories I still can’t believe that I allowed myself to be put in these situations and that I am still here to talk about it. The day that I had to go to my court hearing from my arrest Grace wanted to borrow my car for an hour and I told her she could as long as she was back within the hour because I didn’t want to be waiting all day for her and she . knew that I wasn’t going to prostitute myself so that wasn’t an issue any longer. By now he. You don’t even know the difference between reality and fiction. raped and kidnapped more than once and I stayed in it for so long that it became routine. People only wanted to deal with me because I wasn’t as shifty as James. Grace and Carolyn only came around when they wanted something.During the time that the bad check writing was going on (about three weeks). but that is how the drug gets a hold of a person. but James was such a thief and was always ripping people off.

James came over one day while I was working and his car was acting up. He was able to drive it home where he told me that it was no longer drivable and there it sat for the remainder of our days together.said ok. My hearing was over quickly. I knew that I was behind in my payments and had kind of been expecting it to happen but now my car was gone and the few gifts that I had gotten for my kids in the trunk were gone as well. smoking and I don’t know what all was wrong with it. which I said we would deliver over the weekend. I could feel myself slipping more . but he told me the motor was about to blow up. He was gone for a very long time when he suddenly came into the house and told me that my car had been repossessed while he was at the house. I told her that I had a bed for sale and she said her mother was looking for one and she gave me $20 down and would give me the other $20 on delivery. I couldn’t believe it. I was pissed! She had some excuse but I just wanted to go home and I didn’t want to hear it. I had to wait for two or three hours before she finally came back with my car. When I went out to wait for her. On my birthday James and I were at Donald’s house and James told me that he was going to run home for a minute. I got this part time job at an AFC home that I worked at for just a few days and during this time I had befriended another employee. probation and alcohol classes. The day I got the $20 for the bed was also the last day at the AFC home too.

as usual James wasn’t around to give me a ride back home. of course. The problem was when we returned the truck the next day the guy told me he wouldn’t take my check because he knew that the check I gave him the previous day wasn’t any good. After this James and I talked and he thought that I should retain a lawyer because of the checks that were floating around and the chance that I would be arrested so I retained a lawyer and he got some information for me on this that would come into play later. I told him I would have to go and get the cash for him and I never went back to pay for the truck and I also had to find a ride back home because.and more and even though this was very upsetting to me I didn’t want to stop doing drugs. New Year’s Eve 1999 came and James was gone on another one of his disappearing acts and I was asleep by 6:00 pm and then he came home and told me that he and Norma were moving out. James had first begun going to D to buy drugs when I first began smoking but as time went on I became friends with D and he began to see the light about James and eventually he wouldn’t let . We went up to the house and they moved their furnishings over to James’s trailer and since we didn’t have a vehicle to drive we decided to keep the truck for an extra day so we’d have something to drive. Cindy and Candy were moving from their house and wanted James and me to help them move so we decided to rent a U-Haul for the day and we paid for it with a check.

The first and only phone call I had received was from this man. Pamela’s brother or some relation and he was telling me that he was the one who bought my house and that he just wanted to confirm things with me. I think this was just his way of gaining control of my things and me and I reluctantly agreed.James come to his house any more. and he even wrote up a contract for these people. so James told them I had tried to kill myself earlier that night.00 for a down payment. After I was checked out at the hospital. James said that I should check myself into the rehab (where I had been before) so that the police couldn’t come and arrest me since he told me it would soon happen. none of which I had seen. I flipped out! I couldn’t believe that James was telling these people that he was my POA . We just got in Cindy’s truck. I don’t even think I packed anything. It also never dawned on me that James and Norma had a thing going. James took me to the hospital. which James had been using. After being there for a day I was allowed to accept and make phone calls. and we went to the hospital. He told me that James had said he was my power of attorney and that he could make all of my decisions while I was unable and that I wanted to sell my house. and that was the last time I ever saw him again. James was given $200. a sheriff’s deputy took me up to the hospital and I was checked in. Then they sent me to the regular hospital to be checked out before they would admit me. It was the middle of the night by now and the only way the hospital would take me was if I were suicidal. dropped me off.

I was one of those people that said I would never do drugs. I would lie to protect my family from the horrible truth about drugs and about the hold that the drugs had on my life. I learned that the hard way. then I would do it but . crack. having been drug free for a couple of days. and I would keep getting myself deeper and deeper in trouble. etc. The problem with crack is that once I took the very first hit of the day. No one is immune to anything drinking.. especially now that I had a clear head. 2000: “Reflecting back on the past couple of months. cocaine. I insisted that I could control it and stop whenever I was ready. and if it meant writing checks that I knew I couldn’t cover. I would lie to make myself look better. but I don’t believe that was true.e. I don’t think there would ever be a time that I was ready to quit. and suicide. well never say never. I was so upset they almost wouldn’t let me have anymore phone calls. I sure have come to realize a lot about myself.. No one is perfect and people are always susceptible to any single thing on this earth. The following is taken from my journal while I was in the treatment center on January 4. i. Since I have smoked crack for the very first time in October.and they believed him and gave him money! I felt truly lost and abandoned and used. drugs. I have become one of the people I don’t like to be around. the rest of my day would consist of every means possible to find money or ways to get the drug. I would just keep making excuses.

I have definitely had ample time to think about what is possible to come my way. I will be very lucky if my family hangs in there with me through all this shit. and believe me I never thought in a million years that I would be facing jail all because I started smoking crack. But I hope and pray that I can stay clean and get a grip on my life and be the happy. I didn’t want to hurt them and I basically wanted to keep my life a secret and make them think everything was ok. All I know is that I want to get better so I can get to work and start paying for all those . I can do to make things right. That was the farthest thing from my mind.I wouldn’t think about the consequences until it was all said and done. if anything. My family has done all they can and until yesterday they didn’t know what has been happening with me or what direction my life had gone. This crack just got a hold of me in a way that I can’t totally explain. Now here I sit in the hospital and I’ve got all the time in the world to think about what I have done and what. I think this is the lowest I’ve ever been in my life and I’m not sure how it will all turn out. I also didn’t count on hurting the people that love and care about me so much. I know I am facing possible jail time but I surely hope and pray to God that the judge will have mercy on me and see that I am trying to get help for myself and not because I was forced to and allow me to be with my family in a supportive surrounding and hopefully make a new start for myself. trustworthy person that I used to be. caring.

Since this is my first offense maybe he will be merciful and give me probation and allow me to be with my family. My biggest fear too is that I won’t get to see my grandma ever again before she dies and all I have done is caused her grief and heartache. I’m not exactly sure where to go from here but I am certainly hopeful that my attorney will be of some assistance in helping me to not go to jail. I feel as though I’ve been in a dream-or a nightmare-for the past several weeks except now it’s all turning out to be real. . if you will get me through this mess. I can’t sleep this one away. At least out there I have mother and grandma and the rest of them if they care. My family support is going to be one of the biggest things that help me in my day-to-day life’s activities. I am afraid of going to jail but I just want to be with my family. God. which later never comes.bad checks. no one. I have become the most irresponsible person that I know. That would be the best therapy for me. Of course. not backward. I want to be well and move forward with my life. I hope everyone is entitled to one chance and I surely hope this is going to be a good one chance for me so I can be with family and not go to jail. I will do my best to turn my life around and keep it that way. I’m afraid if I stay here with no one that I will fall back into the old pattern and that is something that I do not want. I pray to you. Here I have no family. I put off important things for no reason at all or because I can do it later.

My absolute worst fear is jail-if I don’t like being locked up here where I have a little freedom. I gave up on myself for the longest time and let the drug and other people influence my life. I am very alert to all my surroundings and coherent to what kind of trouble I am in. Well. I know what he’s doing and he knows I’m safe for the time being but he doesn’t do anything he should to be doing. and he only does these things when it’s convenient for him. how am I going to like it being locked up in jail for who knows how long with no freedom whatsoever.I know I have a very long road ahead of me but I am willing to try my best to overcome all these obstacles. I am a fighter and now that I seem to be getting my head back together everything may start to turn around. He doesn’t call when he should. I need him now more than ever but he doesn’t care as long as he can . I have tried to call my lawyer several times today and have had no luck at getting in touch with him-he’s been in court all day so far. He acts like he cares but he only cares about himself. he doesn’t return my calls. I need to regain control of my own life and be sure to follow the correct path that my life needs to follow. Well it doesn’t. James hasn’t called me so I guess I’m on his backburner once again (as long as I’m out of his hair he’s happy and able to do his thing). This certainly is a wakeup call from hell. I am more important than for him to just call when he wants to. He’s trying to make up for some of the things he’s done by him acting like he cares and this is supposed to ease my mind.

to my mom. I just want him to be more considerate of me and take time out to spend a little time to talk with me. I told her that I was in the hospital because I was a drug addict and that I needed to get away from there as soon as possible and would she send me a bus ticket to go to Las Vegas to live with her and grandma. She said yes and ordered the ticket for me. that’s all that matters to him. He wasn’t home and I had no money to pay the driver. I don’t wish bad things toward him. I finally convinced the driver that I would pay him when Pop’s came home and the driver left and there I sat patiently waiting for him to get home. He said yes but I should have known I wouldn’t be staying there for free. I had been clean for about three days but that was all going to change now that I was at this man’s house. I didn’t even have keys or anything to get back inside so I called a cab to come and get me and he took me over to Pop’s house. Well what comes around goes around. When he did finally come home I explained to him that I needed to stay there for a couple of days until it was closer to my leaving town.get his crack and run the roads. He began trying to pimp me out right from the start and I was getting very nervous .” Finally I calmed down enough and when I was able to think things through I decided that maybe I should leave town so I made one of the hardest calls I’ve ever had to make in my life. I had a few days until I was actually going to leave to go to my mother’s and I was afraid to go back to my house.

I had an attorney that was taking care of paying off the checks for me. My family didn’t know just how bad my addiction was and I don’t think I did at that time either. I had a friend that I’d met through James who was into buying narcotic prescription pills and reselling them. They had no idea how bad my addiction was or what they were getting themselves into. My grandma was a lady who would do anything for me. so my grandma just sent him the money and he took care of my legal issues as best he could. Although this part of the ordeal lasted for three and a half months it seemed like a lifetime. I don’t know if I was leaving . He took me home and I broke in through the back door and stayed there for just a few hours until I left for my new life at my mom’s house. no matter what I had done wrong. and she proved this once again by sending over $1000. I knew at this time that I needed to leave and take a chance at going back to my house. I finalized everything with the people who bought my house and packed what I could and left for the bus station. There was one time though that I remember when he came back to me in the bathroom and tried to talk me into doing something for his friend. and I called to see if her son would take me to the bus station the next day so I could leave town.00 to my lawyer to pay on just a few of the checks that had been written. He didn’t really come out and ask me to do things. My mother and grandma were very excited about me coming to live with them.about being at his house. he would hint very strongly at it.

For some reason I had become one to run from my problems rather than stick around to fight for my belongings or myself. Chapter 5 There I was at the bus station finally getting away from this horrible addiction. Suddenly he was offering to loan me some money. My bus number was called and I was ready to go and start my life over. Little did I know that my life was going to change before I could even get to my mom’s house. We said our goodbyes and I gave him my phone number and told him to call me when he got to the air force base. his name was Randy. This was going to be a long ride and with only a few people on the bus I spotted a man and sat down to chat. I was just lonely and looking for a friend and he was too when our discussion turned towards my leaving and starting over and that I was broke. on the bus ride there. He was coming from the northeast somewhere and was a sergeant in the air force or so he said and was heading to an air base out west. or at least I would draw this conclusion myself as the next week progressed. Either way I wanted to get away and try to make a fresh start.because I was truly ready to get clean or if it was the fear of being alone again and knowing I was going to be in trouble for the checks that had been written. Crazy doesn’t even begin to describe Randy. again. He told me to look for some . this total stranger. (There goes my naivety kicking in again!) We rode together for some time until he stayed at one of the stopping points.

Mom didn’t want me to go and wouldn’t take me. I called my mom when I got off the bus and she said she’d be there to get me in a few minutes. Bradley called me later that evening and asked if I could come downtown for a while.money at a western union within the next couple of days. When she got there she was happy to see me even though I looked so bad. Our discussions turned to drugs and he said he was recovering as well and that was part of the reason he was moving west. so I called a taxi. We all hoped this move would lead to a new beginning for me. He was a couple of years younger than I and was a drifter with no real plans who was on his way to California. We didn’t have a pipe so we had to smoke it on a can and doing that was pretty much a waste and didn’t get me high at all. We sat together for the remainder of the trip and in the process he decided to get off the bus in Las Vegas and stay for a while. She wasn’t happy when I told her I ‘d met Bradley on the bus and we needed to help him find a hotel room. I weighed about 125 lbs and looked like what I was: a homeless person. Really now why would a total stranger offer another stranger money? At another stop Bradley got off the bus to have a cigarette. When I got there Bradley wanted to go and find some crack. But I kept smoking it anyhow just . She took us out to lunch and then we dropped Bradley off at a hotel and mom and I went home. My grandma was so happy that I was there and away from the drugs. I hadn’t seen him sitting at the back of the bus.

We had a fight but I did go home with her so she could go to work and not worry about me being out on the street. At least I hope they wouldn’t have a crazy man like him as a Sergeant. he never came and probably wasn’t in the service either.because it was there. That ended my 4 or 5-day sobriety. Then he said he was coming to town and was going to get a warrant for my arrest over the $700. Bradley began hanging around the drug dealers on Fremont and before long he . she loaned him the money for a week or two for his hotel room. After a few days I received a phone call from Randy claiming that he had sent me a Western Union transaction of $700. Randy insisted that he sent the money so he said he would mail me $100. Then he started to call and make threats to my grandma about how I was lying about the money. I never received anything in the mail or at the Western Union.00 cash so I’d at least have that. It was getting to where he didn’t have the money to stay anywhere and with a promise of getting a job and repaying mom. Bradley and I saw each other often but his money was running out and he had no job. Grandma thought that he was a big loser because he wasn’t working and she definitely wouldn’t have liked it had she known that mom loaned him money.00. Mom worked third shift and she wanted me home before 10:00 pm and when I wasn’t there she came to the hotel to get me.00 and gave me the transaction numbers I needed to retrieve the money but when I called about the transaction there was none. That was another lie.

Chris was leery of this but he did it anyhow. There was a time that I even got my cousin to do this for me.00 worth of merchandise and then turn around and take it back into the store and get a full cash refund. He would go into a home improvement store and steal up to $90. Or we would find people who were willing to do this for us and we’d give them some of the money that was refunded. Mom got to the point where she wouldn’t let me see Bradley any more so I decided to get a place with him. I was getting regular payments from my surgery and I was using this to fund my drug habit and Bradley’s living expenses. There was a maximum amount of times that this could be done using one piece of identification and when his maximum time was up it was my turn. which isn’t hard to do in Las Vegas since most of the time it is free. smoking weed and he also began drinking. We told him that Bradley had bought it and couldn’t return it due to him not having identification.was doing other drugs besides crack like crystal meth. I finally got to the point . He was still staying at a hotel downtown and I was going to stay there with him so I didn’t have any rules that I had to follow. It was during this time that Bradley showed me one way to get money. This didn’t last for long though because since I moved away from moms I didn’t have a car to drive and I had to walk everywhere. stealing and lying to get whatever he wanted. He didn’t know the reason for this and he didn’t know that Bradley had stolen the stuff either. His time away from me was filled with scamming.

I continued this job for a few months and this was where I met Diane. Mom came home from work and the ambulance took me to the hospital but they couldn’t find any reason for me to have had this seizure so I was eventually just released. A paramedic was in the bathroom with me and I was lying in the bathtub. The next thing I remember was waking up to people in the bathroom calling my name. stayed clean and had a job. however.that I was ready to give in and go back home. I settled down and got a job with a company that did store inventories. apparently I had a seizure while in the shower. One morning I had gotten up around 3am to get ready for work and I got in the shower. He never paid mom back for any of the money that she’d given him and I eventually lost track of him. All I remembered was that I couldn’t get the water hot. his sobriety didn’t last long and I got to the point that I didn’t want anything to do with him and I stopped seeing him and accepting his phone calls. Diane lived close to me so we often rode to work together. I was straightening up and not hanging around the drug dealers and I was feeling good about myself and I was having fun living with my mom and grandma. She liked to smoke weed and do crystal meth and neither of those were my drug of . Bradley found a rehab-type center/house that he could stay in as long as he attended meetings. After I returned home I decided that I wasn’t going to see Bradley any more unless he got help for his drinking and drug addiction. Once he established all three things mom let me see Bradley again.

but not for long because it gets too hot in the summer to sit outside and wait for the bus to come then travel around the city on my long journey to the apartment so I decided that I needed to buy a car. I was also staying away from drugs as much as possible. And I often went to her house to smoke my crack if I needed a place and there were some times that she got the drugs for me. keeping things clean and I really enjoyed it. I rode the bus. I used crystal meth with her when we had to work real early because it kept me awake. Most often he was holding and selling. With her job and mine we’d have enough to live. I basically sat at a computer discerning information and gathering correct information. This is where I met Lena. One night after we got . Al was also my first introduction to the city police department. so I didn’t have to go far to get what I wanted. She was my age. I also decided to get a second job since this one was only part time. I got a job at this a research place where deeds were typed up for companies. I found a job at a dental surgery center doing laundry. a very well known drug dealing area and this is where I met Al and we started hanging out together. I worked second shift so I was able to keep my day job at the dental clinic. We became fast friends and as time went on we decided to get an apartment together.choice so I thought I was pretty safe with her but I was wrong. divorced and had two kids. washing floors. I got bored with this job quickly and decided to quit and find something else. I started hanging around 21st street.

They advised me that it would be in my best interest to stay away from Al and I received a ticket for drug paraphernalia and I was advised that I could go to jail for this but they were going to let me go with a warning but there wouldn’t be a second chance. And they told us to leave.our drugs I parked behind this closed pawnshop when the blues and reds started flashing. The police were very familiar with Al. I had held so much crack in my mouth that it was eating holes in my gums. During this time I was using my mom’s car and I had to be home for her to go to work every night and this was torture for me. I’d never been stopped by the cops for this before. I just did what I wanted and didn’t worry until I saw the police driving around and even then I didn’t worry too much. They knew that I was high by looking at my eyes and they asked why I was doing this and didn’t I know the trouble I could get in hanging around with Al. skinny. My fingers were black and had blisters from holding the hot pipe and the lighter all the time. dirty. It was only a few minutes before we found a new place to go and smoke our crack and I never gave the police a second thought. Al hid everything and the cops told us to get out of the car. I’d just hide the pipe in my bra and the crack in my mouth and go about my business. and desperate. I really needed my own car! Mom and I found a car dealership that happened to be . and I had the look of a drug addict. stealing and pimping. as he’d gone to jail a number of times for dealing. I didn’t know what to do.

Al and I had been hanging out a lot and he had become pretty obsessive. I had my car back after a couple of days. lasting about 3-5 minutes. The alternator had gone out on it and they fixed it. Al and I were in my room smoking crack and I had my second (of many to come) seizure and it was a grand mal. not giving it a second thought.down on the street where I got my drugs and after we signed all the papers she went home. I was on my way back to my apartment when I spotted Al walking down the street so I stopped to pick him up and we got some crack before going back to my apartment. We walked to the apartment about 5 or 6 blocks away and I thought I was going to die from heat! I called the car dealership and they came and towed the car back to fix whatever the problem was. We were almost to the apartment and the car died. I wanted to feel the way it was in the beginning. No one called 911 though because they were afraid of the cops coming and the drugs being in the apartment. After the effects of the seizure had worn off I picked the pipe back up and started to smoke again. I was to the point that I wanted to get high so bad that I smoked the crack so fast and in such a large amount that my brain was overcome with the drug and this caused my brain to seize. Ever. It was about 110 degrees outside and the car would not start! Just my luck! It didn’t even make it home. He was pretty scary at times as well. One night we were on our way back to my . especially since Lena had custody of her girls. but it never happens that way again.

apartment and he was driving my car and we began fighting. there were times that we would just go for a ride or just sit at the park and talk. He was driving really fast and erratic and he began running stop lights and yelling at me but I wasn’t one to shut up so the more I ran my mouth the worse he became so I finally decided I’d better just be quiet if I wanted to get home alive. but how could I avoid him especially since we traveled the same circles? The next day I took Al back to Fremont Street and dropped him off and hooked up with some other people. He finally calmed down enough to get us home in one piece. I remember the night I met him. We spent a lot of time just being friends. I’d been with Al and I was waiting out in my car while he went into . date unknown: “Shane wasn’t just a drug dealer. Al didn’t like that at all and he tried to get me to stop more than once. Druggies don’t scare easily. It was after this night I decided that I didn’t want to see him anymore. The following is taken from my journal. he was another 21st streetwalker and we’d go around and smoke together and ride around and have fun. Another friend I had was Rollo. but I just kept on driving. He even tried to get people to stop talking to me by threatening them but that doesn’t go far in an environment like ours. I still felt that everyone was a friend and would do anything for me although now I know that I was just a source of money and transportation but at the time I often made out by allowing the use of my car for drug runs.

Shane wanted a ride.00. He was someone that I considered a friend. We talked for a while and I saw him a few more times after that. James had even tried this before. He was walking down the road and I stopped and told him to get in. He was in his late 30’s (actually late 40’s) and he helped me a couple of times when people tried to screw me out of money and/or drugs. There was this one time that Al claimed that I owed him $30.00 and I didn’t have any money so Shane gave him $30. I waited for over an hour and I got sick of waiting so I left him there and while I was driving down the road. Well I gave him a ride and he was at first trying to pimp me out. Al and I had it out a bit and then Shane and I left and that was the end of that confrontation with Al. at first at least. I’d seen him before but hadn’t really talked to him. for the moment anyhow. Al took the drugs but then he said I still owed him the money. He’d been in a fight and had a black eye and a fat lip. I figured this out so quickly was because I always carried my drugs .this apartment building.00 or more in crack as payment and said the debt was paid. Shane said no I didn’t and that if Al didn’t want the crack as payment then he shouldn’t have accepted it. The next time I saw Shane was after I got out of the hospital. I set Shane straight right off. There was another time that I had stopped to get some crack and the guy tried to sell me a piece of soap for $15. He’s a good guy he just does the wrong things. but I wouldn’t do it.

00 crack rock. It seems like all the people I know either do drugs. This started what would turn out to be a daylong adventure. I didn’t think of the danger of running with these dealers and that I could be killed. All I had to do was take this dealer to his dealer’s house so he could pick up his stash and he’d hook me up. all for a $15. I told him what had been going on and he went inside and gave the guy hell and he came out with my drugs but Shane also came out with some other guys and said they had something for me to do that would be worth my while. but money was often hard to come by and this was the last of mine. sell them or are prostitutes or pimps. and I really did a good job of fucking up my life”.in my mouth and I could tell it was just soap. . Shane went with me so I felt a little safer. Well this guy was dumb enough to stay behind my car and I told him that I wanted my money back because this wasn’t crack. At the time. I have really had an eye opening experience since the drug scene came alive. but the guy in the back seat wasn’t too friendly and I was a little worried but I knew that I’d be done soon and I could just go and smoke so that kept me going. raped or arrested at any time. This guy wanted me to take him to someone else’s house and then to another place. and this continued for a few minutes until he went into this Mexican restaurant and I sat in my car for a very long time and then came Shane. but the lure of drugs was more than enough incentive for me not to worry about my life in running around for these dealers.

After that was accomplished I would then have to find a place to smoke it and within 10 minutes I would be on the same mission all over again. “T” had a girlfriend named Hershey. I did everything I could to get the money together to buy the drugs and when I finally had the money I then had to find a dealer who had what I wanted. Hershey and I had become friendly and she would go out and do her thing and I’d go off and see what I could scare up just to get away for a while. One thing about these crack dealers that I came into contact with was that they can be very convincing and can pretty much talk their way into selling you anything or getting you to do just about anything with the promise of a quick fix.The whole crack thing just seemed to be a big game of run around. Chaos (gang-banger) also had a brother who was quite the opposite: tall. I started hanging around with the three of them and eventually Chaos became obsessive like Al was. This was my day from the time I started smoking crack until I finally gave up the search and went home feeling defeated. she was a prostitute and he was her pimp. I met Chaos one day and he was selling on Fremont and 21st Street. One night Hershey and I went to see some people she knew and we ended up at this hotel on the east end of Fremont Street. like it would take a genius to figure that one out but at first I didn’t put the two together. Anyhow. There were about five of us in this hotel room smoking crack and when the pipe got passed across my lap it . skinny and quiet named T-Rex.

When we got to the hotel. She and I got in the car and waited for him to come out and when he did. The guy who dropped it felt so bad that he gave me a big rock just for doing it so I thought I made out pretty well. he and I got into a fight over my keys but eventually he gave them to me. We spent the early part of the day together and he was . or anything during this time. Everyone left for a while but Hershey and I decided to stay there because they were supposed to be coming back with more and while we were waiting we decided to look around his room since crack heads always drop rocks. Hershey and Chaos got out and I locked the doors immediately and then I got in the drivers seat. After I left the hotel I saw Rollo walking down the street and had him get in and drive me around while I tired to find some crack. urinated. he had that look in his eye that I knew so well. We got back to the motel they were staying at and by now I had been up and running for about 24 hours straight and I guess I hadn’t realized that I hadn’t eaten.fell on my legs and burned my leg. Crack made me forget to do any of this I also wasn’t feeling well at all and I just wanted my car back so I could go home but Chaos had my car! Hershey and I had an idea where he might be and we walked down the street and found it. I had Hershey drive and he got in the back seat and I knew if I didn’t shut up that he’d probably hit me. We did find a piece or two and smoked it right away but after an hour or two we decided to leave and walk back up town.

her favorite phone number since I had moved in . The first thing grandma did was call 911. When we got to the hospital it was a big waiting game. Eventually Rollo got through to me because I was getting worse by the minute and the pain was unbearable plus neither of us had any money or drugs. and I was in so much pain I thought I was . the same day that I had gone to the hospital. leaving Hershey behind. I made it to mom’s house and parked out in front of the house and honked the horn until mom came out to get me. I was in so much pain that I could hardly drive but I wasn’t in so much pain that I didn’t go to the home improvement store and go in to steal something to get some money for some crack before I went home. I eventually heard that Chaos and T Rex had kidnapped a girl and had stolen a car then went to Arizona. and the ambulance came and took me to the hospital immediately. both of which I wouldn’t do. so I finally dropped him off. I told her that I couldn’t walk or get out of the car by myself. Talk about an addict and being in this much pain and still trying to get money for one more high. I didn’t get to steal anything though because I was so sick that I couldn’t even make it into the store and then when I tried to start my car I had to ask someone out in the parking lot to start the car because I couldn’t turn the key. as usual in this large city. That is why they were keeping me around for so long and I screwed up their plans by getting sick and leaving so they had to find someone else to take instead of me.trying to convince me to go home or to the hospital.

Mom got so mad at the nurse and demanded her name. my fingers curled completely under and I had to be fed by my mom. I did apologize for my language but I just couldn’t believe the nurse had done that to me knowing how much pain I was in and the fact that I couldn’t use my legs. I was in the hospital for three weeks and bed ridden for over two and a half months. Mom finally got them to give me something for the pain and after three hours or more.going to die right there. Mom’s Day. During my time in the hospital. . One day a nurse came in to take my blood pressure and she decided to take it on my right leg instead of on my arm. I had to work them back to the use that I have now. The elderly lady in the bed next to mine was very religious and had to hear those words come out of my mouth more than once. I don’t quite remember. which is full use of 9 out of 10 fingers. I had no physical therapy because it hurt too badly for anyone to even touch me and I refused it. The kidney failure in turn made my lupus flare up and I lost the ability to use my hands. The following was taken from my journal that mom kept while I was in the hospital. I couldn’t walk. 2000. the way it was usually done and she just grabbed my leg right up in the air! “What the fuck are you doing?” I screamed at her! She looked at me and told me she was taking my blood pressure and I told her no she wasn’t. they decided to admit me with a diagnosis of kidney failure.

During my time in the hospital. which really made mom mad so she went to get a floor nurse to come in to my room. which usually didn’t go too far because it hurt way too much and my joints had basically frozen up.She refused to give mom her name. Mom said. The final diagnosis came down from my new Rheumatologist and he determined that I had gotten some crack that had been laced with something toxic. before calling 911 and I would have been dead the doctor did say. "If you would have just listened. poison or something and when I smoked it. I tried to tell her I didn’t have a problem with her before that all I wanted was for her to just listen to Becky! Not interrupt all the time. Rita.” said mom. without killing me. “Rita blamed the miscommunication on the momnot Becky. After they left the room I heard her say in the hallway about the language I was using. it caused my kidneys to fail thus causing my lupus to flare up in the worst possible way. The floor nurse made the other nurse give us her name. She kept saying I just started to move the sheet. The rest of my time spent in the hospital was an attempt at physical therapy. but at the time I didn’t notice that they didn’t care enough to . I told Rita I was going to get the supervisor. Rita said to go ahead-tell everyone! I’m not giving you my name. and that made Rita quite mad. I haven’t touched her yet! Rita said she was very busy and had a lot of breakfast trays to deliver. you would have heard what Becky was trying to say!" Before I got the head floor nurse. I had no visits from any of my friends or calls. any longer though.

who gives a shit. you lay in it. The day I got released from the hospital I was taken to mom’s by ambulance so I could be helped into the house since I wasn’t able to walk or get around on my own. Mom made a bed for me out in the living room so I could stay out there with grandma while mom was sleeping and at work. but I wouldn’t be returning to the apartment. Pretty much to the effect of you made your bed. blah. Mom got a friend from work to help her go to the apartment to get my things all moved out so we wouldn’t have to worry about it any longer and I just had to sign a paper to get off the lease and it was all taken care of.call me to see if I was still alive or not. Chapter 6 I was getting ready to be discharged. I would be moving back to moms and grandmas. She hadn’t even called to check on me while I was in the hospital. According to her she had met some marine or something and she was going to marry him and move to California so she wasn’t too concerned that I wasn’t moving back in with her. I also called my dad to tell him I was dying and that I was a drug addict and I got the same reaction from him as I’ve gotten from him my entire life. I wasn’t able to . Mom had worked something out with the manager of the apartment complex so that I could get out of the lease due to my sudden health issues and Lena would just have to take over the contract and be responsible for the rest of it. She wasn’t going to be around for long though. blah and that was it.

I couldn’t even hold a glass. For something that wasn’t mine but the judge won’t believe it as he’s heard it time and again. My fingers were still curled over and I had to teach myself how to do everything all over again walking. Janice. phones had to be dialed. I have come to the conclusion that I have a very select few friends. Hopefully he’ll go easy on me. William who I . it was higher up off the floor so that when I was able to get up on my own I could go back into my bedroom and not have to worry about getting up from so far down off a regular bed. I have to go to court today due to no proof of insurance. I’d even take random drug tests if he wants me just to prove I’m not doing any drugs at all. cigarettes had to be lit. That is all I’ve had for the past four nights. Plus I have another court date next week. The following is taken from a journal entry written 6-14-00. Mom knew what this court date was going to be for). Mom had a bed specially made for me too. who I have had since I was about 5. after my discharge from the hospital: “Sleepless nights. I don’t know why I can’t sleep for more than one to three hours at a time. writing and eating. I know it makes me irritable though and I do have a lot on my mind. this journal entry was just changed to protect my grandma. I hope it all works out well for me.get up out of bed at all so I had to use a bed pan and everything else had to be done for me. which was mine. I had to be sponge bathed and fed for some time. (This court date was for possession of a crack pipe.

I think when people are choosing friendships they choose from several different qualities and some qualities are for the birds. I don’t want to be a bad person (does anyone want to be a bad person) but I could have her out of the apartment in the blink of an eye. The more generous I am. I think it is close to being full. who knows where she’d be and for that matter where is she now? She doesn’t return any phone calls and she seems to not even care about me or anything any more. She’s been hanging out in bars and meeting up with the wrong crowds. you neglect everyone but your own feelings and thoughts. I seem to end up with the bottom of the barrel. but low and behold I do them anyhow. I guess that will be one more mark on my stupidity checklist. You live in your own little world. the more people swarm about. Lena used to call almost . I am too kind. Lena is one such person. Why is it that I’ve allowed this to happen? Probably because people have certain ways of persuading me into doing things that I know I shouldn’t do. If I hadn’t gotten the apartment. the apartment. everything else in life stops. I have a feeling why she’s like this too. Rochelle since about 4. I know how I acted when I was using. I feel in my heart that she’s on drugs. She was living with her exhusband’s sister and kids and she desperately wanted to get her own place for her and her girls and she got what she wanted thanks to me. generous and free with my money.have had since I was six months old.

I am so much smarter and intelligent and I should use my intelligence to my advantage. I hate to hurt people’s feelings but they don’t seem to worry about mine. children and a college degree. husband.daily to check in at least and now I don’t even get that. I can’t go back and fix it. Leaving the most important people behind and not caring how things would be for anyone. I was just young and dumb and decided I’d be better off alone so I packed and ran. I know she’s upset that I don’t live there anymore but at the moment there is no way possible that I can do that. My disease has been quite an eye-opener for me. I have lost a lot out here like I did before I came here and I still can’t seem to get it through my thick skull that I’m being used until it’s too late. My lupus really hurt me this time around. my whole family including mom and grandma and of course and I didn’t do it intentionally. All I can do is go forward now. husband and my two beautiful children. All I ever wanted out of life was a family. I am a little bit better but not good enough for my standards. I had it all at one time too and of course I had to mess up the most important of all. and I want my kids to know me and love me. I am appalled at the fact that I gave up my home. What mom could actually do that and believe that what she is doing is the right thing? I was very selfish and I am not happy with my past three years at all. I am trying so hard to develop a backbone and not give in to things. in more .

She is a very supportive. I detest having to rely on others to do things for me but when you can’t do it yourself then you must ask for help even if your ego gets in the way. Mom and grandma have taken so much crap from me but always are willing to help me even without my asking. giving and generous person. Things can get very upsetting around here but I think we manage quite well for the most part.ways than one. She has done nothing more in her life but help me time and time again. Neither she nor grandma has the money to help but they always seem to help in one way or another. by any means. I love my family more than they know even if I don’t always show it the way I . I know my going back to home would be a tremendous saver but for the time being I need to be with grandma. I wish there were something I could do for them because I really don’t think they know how much I love and appreciate them. loving. I know I can never repay her and I appreciate everything she has ever done for me. Life is way too short and unpredictable to think of no one but you. I just want people to know about it and learn how to cope with the zillion things that can or could’ve happened. There are all kinds of people that have been affected by daily occurrences and I certainly don’t need to add fuel to the fire that I started. want anyone’s pity for my illness. I don’t. Mom has also helped me out more than most parents would. She is so ill and I want to spend all the time in the world with her. I am not an easy person to live with but I can’t always help it.

I knew it all at age 26. I need to do this for me and for them too. I’m just unsure of when that will be. if you will. At first I had a good time. the first one in three years. sort of like a vacation. He will be my courage. I grew up in such a small community and everyone knew everyone else’s business. strength.should. I knew shit about the real world. I need His help so badly and I know I’ll get it as long as I ask for it and listen to what is being to of me to do. I have also come to realize that the only way I may truly get past this or any other thing that may be coming my way is to accept the Lord into my life and live by His word. or so I thought. races. my backbone. even though I wouldn’t admit it at the time. I like to be an independent person and it is impossible when you are as sick as I have been. I was completely oblivious to my new surroundings. but that turned sour in a hurry. My priorities that I used to have are slowly but surely coming back and I really and truly need that too. and boy was I woke up fast. and fun times. He will be the one that will never leave my side. I want to see their plays. They need to know me and I fully intend upon that happening. I want that bad. I was just too stubborn and stupid to pack up and go back to work . I’ll be there for Allen’s 8th birthday. I can’t just live for me anymore I need to live for the people that I love so much in my life. I know I was in the wrong when I left. I have one important thing to look forward to and that is going to see the kids in August. His teachings.

My life has been so crazy. I want to do all I can to make things right and I am determined to do it. in my eyes. always an addict. I know before my crack encounters I couldn’t understand how a person could let their body. Normal for me now will be completely different than what normal was before the drugs and my recent flare-up.on my marriage and that was one of the biggest mistakes I could have made and I will never get over that. He would never harm them or let anyone else harm them. People (non-addicts) don’t realize how hard it is to go through life every day and fight the urge to give in to your addiction. I would never endanger my children. their life. I’m glad he and I can be civil and have decent conversations when we do talk. I’m not completely sure what I can do or need . How true that is. be overcome with this drug. Journal entry: 6-20-00 “What’s the saying? Once an addict. I fully understand now that’s for sure. Some days I don’t know if I am coming or going but that will work out too”. Only God knows what my future holds and I pray things will work themselves out in one way or another. He is a perfect dad for those kids. I will do my best to do my part. I will always care about him but as for us getting back together that just isn’t in the cards for us. I am so grateful that Matt was my husband and the father of our kids. Well. I want so much for my life to be normal but I know that normalcy is far from becoming.

much . That is the one thing I know I need to say away from but I do need some help from above to keep myself in check and stay clean. I want to get my Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology or Social Work or something in the medical area. a biggie. and also. also my patience and faith in Him that I will get better and be able to return to work and a somewhat normal life. That is something I am hoping to do next week. The busier I keep myself the better off I’ll be. yet again. I hope and pray sincerely that God will help with my disease and its remission process. That was when I met Andrew. Andrew was another dealer I became friends with. I can do it once and not get hooked. #1 is to return to work. I am trying to be patient with my disease and recovery but it is so hard since I want to work so badly. I want that more than anything. Just for old times sake I thought. to stay away from and control the craving from the drugs. #2 is to enroll in a university. to not work is a very hard adjustment to make. lose the craving and stay away!” One would think that after I had such a life threatening illness that I would have never went back to the streets to smoke crack and live the lifestyle that almost killed me. I’ve worked for the last 13 years and to suddenly be forced. when I was able to walk again about three months later and able to start my car with the help of pliers where was the first place I went? Freemont & 21st to buy drugs.to do to achieve my goals. however. I hope I can do my job or at least feel like I’ll eventually be able to do it.

Andrew was very familiar with many dealers. but otherwise he got away with doing this for quite a long time. He was in his mid forties and very soft-spoken. but this wasn’t what he did. doing nothing but talking about our kids and families. none of which I had ever come into contact with. smoking crack and also just sitting around talking and doing nothing. He’d go into stores and pick up a backpack and fill it full of stuff and just walk out of the store with it. This began another string of running away from drug dealers trying to hunt us down for ripping them off. He got caught one time and ended up going to jail for one year.like Shane. The dealer let him do this because he was known around the streets. He got in my car and we drove off. One night we were driving around looking for someone we .00 worth of crack and that he was going to take it out to her and he’d bring the money back in. Actually this was how he survived and made his money so he could pay for a place to stay or buy cigarettes or whatever he needed from day-to-day. so I was able to get away from the street and get to know some of those who dealt out of their apartments and not be so visible to the police. One time I remember him going into this dealer’s hotel room and telling him he had someone that wanted $50. We spent a lot of time riding around. Not the thug-type person that I ran into so often on the streets. Andrew liked to steal things too. There was one time we just sat in this parking lot till the sun came up.

There were these two next to each other. trying to do what I don’t know. I wasn’t going fast but this guy held on for a few seconds. Pops lived next door and he liked to smoke crack and he also liked to be the so-called fatherly type too. Gusto was a drug dealer/pimp and he had people running in and out of his house all the time but he usually had the best drugs around and I didn’t have to worry about getting ripped off either. the guy in the chair grabbed on to the side of my car and was hanging there like what you see in the movies. but I just kept going and going and proving to everyone that I . this night the guy wheeled up to the window and Andrew told him that he wanted to see a $50 rock and when the guy put it in his hand Andrew told me to go and when I did. I think that these older people could see in me that I wasn’t the type that should be involved in this lifestyle and that it would be better for me to get out while I could. Andrew and I started hanging out at these apartments. and then he finally let go and I saw him rolling down the road and his friend running up to get him. one was Gusto and Cindy’s place and next door was an old man who everyone called Pops (another one like I’d known before coming here). I can still see the look on that guy’s face. At the time I wasn’t worried about him at all. He always had another guy with him to assist him if needed.could rip off and we spotted this dealer that we were familiar with. I worried only about myself and about getting high. Well. he was in a wheelchair and had no legs from the knees down.

When I came to. Pops gave me hell for not telling him ahead of time that this could happen to me because he almost called the paramedics and that wouldn’t be good because of all the drugs between his house and Gusto’s. There were countless other times that I had seizures with people that I smoked with and it was all due to the fact that I was smoking such large amounts of the drug and my brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen thus causing the seizure. I sat there for a minute and collected my thoughts and was thankful no cops were around and that I didn’t hurt anyone then I drove off. away from others who were there and they put a huge piece of crack on the pipe and I lay back on the bed to smoke it because I knew it was going to happen but said nothing and when I took that first big hit. Some of the people had experience with this and knew it would pass. I guess because I always recovered from them. it went directly to my brain and sent me into a seizure. I almost gave Pops a heart attack the first time he ever saw me have a grand mal seizure. I remember the day it happened. Someone had come by his apartment and they had some dope on them and we had gone in the bedroom to smoke it. I never learned my lessons when I had the seizures. but this one time it happened when I was driving and all I remember of this one was that I woke up with my car facing a tall chain link fence and the guy that was with me had jumped out of the car and ran like hell.could keep this up and continue on this path of self-destruction. but I .

At about 7:30 am the phone rang and it was OC’s friend. At 3:10 am the phone rang and it was OC and he asked if I was mad and I told him that I just wanted to go home. At 5:30am Judy came back and we both went to sleep. his girlfriend. I ran into someone that I’d met a few times prior. I finally found one and this crazy man was walking around near it. so I waited. My car was stolen. I finally fell asleep. OC. He was trying to pick . When Judy got off the phone she told me that she had some bad news. she was a prostitute. and while she was doing her thing I would have to go into the bathroom until she was finished. enough for one phone call. By 12 midnight Judy left to get some cigarettes and I waited there and still no car. but I let him take my car and I waited for him to return. Now what? I got myself together and left to call the police and my mom. once again with a promise of drugs. He said he’d be there in 20 minutes. I had to walk down the street to find a payphone. At 10pm he still hadn’t returned but Judy. We got there at about 5 or 6 pm and at 7pm he asked to use my car to run to the store. called and said she was coming there with a client. “Wonderful” I said. One day while I was at Pops house. OC called after a while and said he’d be back soon.am luckier than I know because I could have very well been left in a coma or died from this situation. and we left to go for a ride we stopped at the motel that he and his girlfriend were staying at. I don’t know why. All I had was 35 cents.

Anyhow. when I saw the car I couldn’t believe it. the windshield was broke where OC had hit his head. so I borrowed the money from Grandma and we went over to get the car. and then I called my mom.00 to get it out. I had to make an appointment to go to the police station to get a release for the car and then go to the towing place to see it. She told me she’d be there in a few minutes and I walked down to the bus station to wait for her. after just having four brand new tires put on. I guess I’ll never know. I couldn’t believe that OC had made that story up. . So. I found another phone and called the police. The right front passenger tire was blown out. I had no money and couldn’t get anyone to give me any change so I had to call her collect. I wonder if it is because of the accident or what. However. I couldn’t believe it. the front bumper was falling off. Apparently OC had hit a light pole in the middle of an intersection and just left the car there. I put my money in the phone and it kept the money and wouldn’t dial out. He was really pissing me off. so I left it there. again. Did he really think that I would never find out the truth? I didn’t know where to find him or anything so I guess I couldn’t even do anything about it if I wanted to. She was not happy! The police called me back at home at around 10am and informed me that my car had been involved in a hit and run and that it had been impounded. I did hear that he was in jail though.me up and talking perverted to me. It would cost me $160. the hood and whole left front was dented in. I could never drive it again.

It still amazes me at how I could come up with a lie at the drop of a hat and could make anyone believe it immediately. I had smoked my whole check up. she was waking up to begin getting ready for work. and then I had to go home and make up a story about why I didn’t have mom’s phone any more. I would trade or sell anything . I then went off and smoked the rock. and told her I had some bad news. This was a day that I had intercepted one of my checks before mom got the mail. ten minutes at the most. but that was just how bad the addiction was for me. One thing drug addicts are well known for is lying. so then my idea was to trade mom’s cell phone for a $20. I told her that when I was driving down the street and was stopped at a street light that one of the drug people I knew reached in the window and took the phone out of the car. When I went home I went directly into mom’s room. so I had been out running all day and mom had given me her cell phone in case she needed to call me or if I had an emergency.00 and he asked if it worked and I told him yes so he traded it. I had been out smoking all day. Well. which took a whole five. I was so desperate for some crack. and then some (over $350. I pulled up next to him and asked him if he would front me a $20.00 and he said no. I made it very believable and she believed the story and called her phone company and cancelled the service immediately but now I owed her a phone. I eventually told her the truth.00) and I was so desperate for more crack when I spotted one of my regular dealers walking down the street.I can remember one night.

I traded a $5. I ran across Al and he happened to be holding this day and had quite a bit on him so he got in and off we went.00 worth and when I smoked like this I was prone to having my grand mal seizures although this never stopped me. knowing that I was prone to having these seizures and he just let all of this go on. Well.00 car one time for a $150.that wasn’t tied down if it meant that I would get crack in return.00 because I owed him $20.00 and all I remember is going into the store and then waking up on the floor with some lady sitting next to me telling me that I would be ok and that the paramedics were on their way. but one day I received my check before mom could intercept it and I ran off to cash it.00 and I thought that I would just go and buy a little.00 8ball of crack. I refused . When I got up and looked outside at mom’s car I saw Al still sitting in my mom’s car waiting for me! He had seen the whole thing and didn’t even get out of the car. I had my mom’s car and I knew that I had to be getting home because she had to go to work soon so I stopped at a convenience store to get change for a $100. come on. Before long I had smoked more than I ever anticipated I would in a very short amount of time. Occasionally I would run into Al and we’d go off and smoke but not too often. I mean. close to $400. She told me that I had a bad seizure that lasted over six minutes.000. It was about $450. I was very disoriented and didn’t remember why I was even in the store.

Mom and I had a long talk on the way home and we were both glad that it was coming close to my trip back to home so that I could get away from this environment before I actually killed myself or someone else with my irrational behavior. She told me to tell him to get out of her fucking car! And he was still sitting there all because I still owed him $20. After I pawned the VCR we headed for the motel they were . They asked me to pawn the VCR. My second wake up call hit me like a ton of bricks one morning. all I was concerned with was that I was going to get to smoke some free crack and get drunk with these two cute guys. which I did. When I called mom I told her that I knew she was going to be mad and I told her briefly what happened and where I was and she came right away and there Al sat.treatment but they wouldn’t let me drive home so I was forced to call mom and have her come and get me and she had to call my aunt to bring her there since I had her car. I didn’t think anything about it. a VCR they wanted to pawn. I said sure. some crack and tequila. They came back to get me and they had this nice blazer. still in mom’s car.00 and I told mom to give me the money and she asked why and I told her she knew why and I gave it to him and he got out and that was it. I had been at Gusto’s house this one night and these two guys came by to get some crack and they asked me if I wanted to go out and party that night. They said they’d be back in a couple of hours to pick me up.

there I sat. Was this really what I wanted to be? A drug addict who moves around all the time? Wondering if or when I was going to go to jail? Never have any money. I already had tickets to go back to home in about three weeks to see my kids for a week or two and I decided that the only way for me to get off the drugs was to leave here and never come back. There were some brand new clothes in the motel room too. So. Next I made the second of the most difficult telephone calls of my life. even the VCR that was pawned the night before. friends or a job? Keep hurting my family and kids? This was when I made my decision. I got drunk really fast and I don’t remember a whole lot about the night except for the fact that I was in the bathtub and I remember there being another guy and girl in the bathroom too with the one guy and me. Lucky for me the police left me in the hotel room and didn’t take me to jail too. I freaked out! Well come to find out the blazer we were in was stolen and the driver had been arrested and the guy that was there with me was wanted for jumping house arrest. The next thing I remember is the next morning someone was knocking on the motel door and me joking to the other guy that it was probably the cops and then I hear Open up it’s the police. . possessions.staying at and we began drinking. They didn’t even talk to me. I guess the two of them had been on a shoplifting spree the day before and everything they had was stolen. alone and wondering what exactly I was going to do with my life.

He told me I could but if I brought any drugs into his house or around the kids that would be it and I’d be gone. When he answered I broke down and told him that I was a drug addict and that when I came home in August I needed to stay because I had to get away from the drugs and I asked him if I could stay at his house with him and the kids until I could get my own place. my ex-husband and the father of my kids. I hated the thought of leaving grandma. I was pretty much forced to stay away from Freemont and all the drug activity because I didn’t have a car and mom refused . which I got. I didn’t want to call mom so I called Diane and asked her to come and give me a ride home. I told them I’d already called and talked to Matt about this and they agreed that I definitely needed to get away from this whole scene. but I knew deep down that if I stayed I’d end up killing her with worry and hurt anyhow and at least she’d know I’d be safer back home away from all this trouble that I kept moving toward here. I agreed and told him I would never do that and I thanked him and hung up the phone. I didn’t go into great detail I just wanted some reassurance that I could stay there when the time came. Next I had to find a ride home from the motel. When I got back home I told mom and grandma what had happened the night before and about my decision to stay home when I returned for my visit in August.Chapter 7 I picked up the telephone and called Matt.

moms specifically. so my only alternative was to just stay home and wait for my trip back home. In the past year I had been divorced. I was quite nervous about what was going to happen when I returned back home and back to the house I lived in before all the craziness began. don’t just decide one day to get divorced and leave the state.to let me use her car anymore. This had a big impact on me and I knew that if I was serious about staying home. Would Anne remember me? How would the kids react? How would Matt’s family treat me? What would Matt expect of me? I would find out very soon and I already knew that Matt wouldn’t tolerate any drugs in his house and he told me in advance that if I came back home to live I had better make it a decision to stay and be a part of the kids’ lives because if I left them again I wouldn’t see them ever again. I was so sorry for all the pain I had caused her and mom. again. It was a scary time for me as well. but so much had happened in that year it seemed like a lifetime ago. no matter how hard the situation could become. The few friends I did have left were the one’s that I had for my entire life and would have forever. I hadn’t been back home in about a year. I had used up all of my excuses why I needed to go somewhere. which I think is pretty understandable since most parents. Leaving grandma was the hardest thing I had to do. regardless of what decisions I had or would ever make in my lifetime. I lost most of my friends when I divorced Matt and left my kids behind. lost everything I owned again. I needed to make a commitment and stick with it. .

gave her a hug and thanked her for picking me up. I knew. It was just like old times although it wasn’t old times. came to pick me up and it was nice to see a friendly face. grandma would have worried herself to death and I would have been the cause of her death and I never could have lived with myself for that. almost died from drug poisoning. When I arrived at the airport. When Susan dropped me off I promised her I’d talk to her soon. no matter how hard it was at the time. Susan. and I wasn’t sure of how much to tell at this point in time because I didn’t want . but she didn’t know the half of it and I didn’t want to get into it then.become a drug addict. These were two of my friends who seemed not to judge me for whatever I’d done and they were just glad that I was back home. She knew of my drug addiction and of my hospitalization. that this was the best decision for all involved. I just wanted to catch up with her and know how she was and what was new with her life. It was nice seeing Janice again too. because if I stayed in Las Vegas and continued the life I’d been living. She was driving me halfway to where I would meet up with Janice and then Janice would take me the rest of the way to Matt’s house. and become an untrustworthy and hurtful child/grandchild and now I was trying to reverse all of that. deep down. It had been over a year since I’d seen her too and she only knew a little of what had happened since I’d been in Las Vegas. one of my friends from high school. I felt that this was the only way that grandma would survive a few more years.

The kids seemed to be very well adjusted and Matt had done such a great job with them. The kids were happy to see me. and survived? I don’t know. illnesses. but that would change quickly. In a strange sort of way I think I was proud of what I had gone through. who didn’t pay child support and came around when it was convenient for me. I missed out on holidays. The kids didn’t ask me why I had left. that’s for sure. but it didn’t feel like I was home. that I had left her and she worried that I would do it again. so I was very uncertain about coming back home. maybe too open.everyone to know everything that had been going on. Maybe because I had done all this. It was nice seeing my kids. Anne did remember me. Allen didn’t really say too much about it. When Janice dropped me off at Matt’s. This began to sink in hard after a while that it really did hurt her. I made myself block out how much I was missing out on during my time away because it really did hurt me to be away . Matt and I talked a little about what had happened and I was very open with him. birthdays. as young as she was. but every time I went somewhere she would ask me if I was coming back. she came in for a few minutes just to relax me a bit and then she went home. school programs. She was only 16 months old when I left and Allen was almost 4 ½ years old. I know I was nothing more than a fly-by-night parent. it just felt like I was visiting as I had done before. anything of any importance to the kids. It definitely isn’t something to be proud of.

After I had been back for a few days I got a call from an old acquaintance. I packed . I thought this sounded like a good idea because I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to stay with Matt and the kids.from them. He told me he never should have let me come home and that everyone was telling him not to let me come back and he wanted me gone. We went out for dinner and drinks and she said she had an extra room and would like it if I would move in with her and when I got a job I could help with bills and such. They had since been divorced and she had heard that I was back in town and was calling to see how I was doing and did I want to get together. I had no recollection and he told me what happened. It all came to a head one night when I was very drunk and I decided that I was going to light a candle but couldn’t find a match so I lit a piece of paper and when it got out of control the paper fell on a feather pillow and almost caught fire and this could have caused the whole house to burn down and the kids were home with me and Matt had been out for the night. The next morning Matt woke me up and told me that I had until Friday of that week to find a place to stay because of what happened. My self-destructive actions were still in full force. I had begun drinking quite a lot and this was becoming just as bad as the drugs and I was putting my kids in danger now. a girl who had been married to a friend of Matt’s. Even though I wasn’t doing drugs any more. just in a different manner.

When I got home Lisa was waiting up for me and I yelled at her . but I did what I could for them. I also began working at a local machine shop too and I was feeling happy with my life.immediately and left within one hour and moved in with Lisa. it was four a. Lisa got word that this house she wanted to purchase had gone through and we began moving. I got a job quickly and began working at a local party store and also got my own car since I had been using Matt’s when I was staying there. nothing more and I wasn’t sure how long that would last. but this didn’t keep me away. I wasn’t able to pay child support yet because I wasn’t making much money. Being on second shift there were workers who would smoke weed while working or come to work drunk and not think twice about it since there was limited or sometimes no supervision. One night I was sitting at work and after my shift ended and third shift came in I decided to stay after and talk with one of the guys. I was trying to mend my relationship with my kids and trying to get along with Matt the best I could. I was happy but I just felt like I was staying at her house. Soon thereafter. As I began working at the factory.m. I had gotten some Special K that day so I sat there and did it all while we talked and before I knew it. I was making friends with my younger co-workers and I was beginning to wonder if there wasn’t anyone around not involved with drugs in one way or another. Living with Lisa was working out for the time being too.

You have been tiptoeing around the phone and the bathroom every time I would leave the house today. Later that night I kept hearing the answering machine go off but no telephone ringing and when I finally went out to see what was going on Lisa was nowhere to be found but there was a note taped to the answering machine. I gave you the chance today to get your shit together and talk things out in a mature manner but instead you decided to make me talk to the walls. I want you to be out of here in two hours. The following is an excerpt from the letter that she had left for me the evening that I was told to move out: Becky.for asking me where I had been and why I hadn’t called. besides why would you want to stay here anyway because I’m such a bitch and you don’t want to answer to anyone which I wasn’t asking you to answer to me just to simply call and let me know you weren’t having car problems. Why would I ever even think you would use your brain for once in your life? Stupid me. mom and grandmother and others around . so obviously in many ways you have showed me you could give a shit less about appreciating me letting you stay here. which I was wrong for but the drugs had that effect on me. this is exactly where I knew you would be as soon as I left. I hope someday you stabilize and think about your kids. I went to bed and the next day I stayed in my room and we didn’t speak. The cops will be notified you are getting out of here so don’t do anything foolish.

It’s all about you. I’m not the only person who will say she has a screw loose either. in hindsight. She was always too good for me. She was crazy and she rambled on about this phone bill that wasn’t much at all but my mom was so worried that she was going to call the police on me that she and my grandma sent her a check for the cost of my long distance calls to shut her up. So there I was homeless again and it was the middle of the . always has been. always will be. always tried to be better than me. She always had to have one thing up on me. When I was getting married. The list goes on and on. When we bought our house. The phone company will have the printout tomorrow. she had to get one. They can tell me how much it is and I will leave a message at your work. You better have the money to me by Friday. If I got a new car. I will call a lawyer and your work tomorrow. Lisa and I never were friends even when Matt and I were married. she had to get married. sober.you. I must say that it definitely wasn’t one of my better. she had to buy a house. basically other people beside yourself. judgments. People told me after our fallout that they couldn’t believe that I would even think of living with her to begin with because of how she always was and now. your past of drugs and sex partners you have told me about? I will get the money out of you for the phone bill. How could I ever expect you to have respect for others and me when you have no respect for yourself.

One day on my way to work my car died on the side of the road and it had all of my belongings in it. I went in very quietly and woke him to ask if I could spend night there. Now I had to decide what I was going to do next. So I called Janice and asked her if I could stay there for a couple of days. I had to leave my car parked on the side of the road till after work. the problem was that when I got off work and returned to where my car had been parked and it was gone! All of my clothes and everything I needed were in there and I didn’t know where to go to find out what happened to my car so I had my friend drive me back to Janice’s house. He said yes and I went to bed for the night.night and I wasn’t sure where to go and the first place I thought of was to go to Matt’s house. The next day we spoke about what happened and he even told me that he couldn’t believe that she and I would try and live together after all the bad feelings we’d had between each other in past and I agreed. Everything was going well with Janice and her family but I wanted a place of my own. I found out that the Sheriff’s department had towed my car because it wasn’t off the road far enough and I had to pay them to get anything out of the car so I paid. The day before Thanksgiving we were all going to the bar next door to the shop for a few drinks but by then my ride had . He said he would pick me up the next day for work again (the day before Thanksgiving). Luckily I had a co-worker’s phone number with me and I called to see if he would pick me up.

small kitchen. When I began working I just didn’t feel like being there even though I had walked there in the freezing cold. Prior to going to work I had called one of my ex-husbands. It was a little farther away from my kids than I would have liked but I didn’t have a choice if I wanted to keep working. wintry weather so I made up some excuse about being sick and I punched out and went home not giving my job another thought. slowly but surely. I was drinking a lot and doing drugs a little here and there. Then came the shop Christmas party. and one night I began drinking before going to work (I was on third shift now) and when I got there I was pretty drunk. but it was big enough for me and I was finally going to have my own place! I was still living a wild life and not settling down a whole lot and it was still ruining my life.been long gone and I had no way to get back to Janice’s house so I got a room at the motel next door and early the next morning I found an advertisement for a local apartment for rent. I drank way too much and ate too little and confronted my shift supervisor about my walking out on my . It was right in town and I could walk from there to work so I called the owner and set up an appointment for the next morning and I immediately signed the papers when I saw the apartment. George and I gave him my work number and before I even got to work he had called there 5 times or more looking for me and bugging the hell out of everyone there. living room and tiny bathroom. It was a small one bedroom.

that I had punched in while under the influence. . Three months after moving into my apartment I began working on my Bachelor’s Degree at a college campus about three blocks from my apartment but after a few course meetings I began feeling like my lupus was acting up and I found out that I could do the courses online so I decided to do that instead of going to the campus. I was off for the week between Christmas and New Year’s and when I went back to work on January 2 they called me into the office and told me in no uncertain terms that I was fired and that they knew. I wasn’t going to get my job back and that was the end of the discussion and eventually I just got up and walked out. or they thought they knew. At this time too I began the process of signing up for social security disability since I had been basically disabled since October 1999.shift that night and I asked him if I was going to be fired and he said he didn’t know yet and that was the end of the discussion. School was going well and with my first student loan refund check I bought a computer and a decent used car so that I could get around and see my kids. I began accusing others of doing drugs while working and also my shift supervisor of coming in to work on more than one occasion drunk but they didn’t care about that. I was trying to control my drinking and after I lost my job my drug days pretty much stopped since I didn’t associate with anyone from the shop any more and by April I had been approved for my disability and when I received my back pay I bought a decent car.

I had one friend who was the brother of a girl I’d known throughout school through cheerleading and basketball and he lived down the road from my apartment. Chapter 8 One day I decided that we were going to drive to Las Vegas and surprise my mom and grandma. Then we went to grandma’s house and when I went in the house I . I should have paid more attention to my feelings instead of ignoring them. and that is where I met Steven (my third husband). This one night he and I were going to go to this bar that he liked and I got completely loaded. He was a cook at the bar Jim and I had gone to that night but he got fired after that night because somehow a door got broken and it was blamed on him. I didn’t think too much about it at the time and I just let it go. as usual. He had a brother who was in prison for robbery and kidnapping and he would be up for parole soon and Steven always said that he wanted Jeffery to live with him no matter where he was when Jeffery got out. It took about 42 hours to get there and I can still see the look on mom’s face when I walked up to her at work. He had a job when I met him. He also told me that he had two children that he didn’t get to see and he had a dog that was at his foster parents house he wanted to go and pick up. I wish I’d have had a camera. He made himself out to be much better than he actually was and I moved him in immediately. I said “Hi mom” and she almost fell over. that would’ve been a picture for keeps.

Then bad decisionnumber three…we decided on a spur of the moment thing to get married. Mom went with us and we got married downtown at the courthouse after only knowing each other for 5 weeks. The night of my 30th birthday we planned a party at our house. that I didn’t like to be alone so I latched on to anyone who paid attention to me. He was more into stealing or talking his way into or out of something and little bits of this would come out from time to time.was quiet because I didn’t want to scare her and I said. me and Steven are here” and she got up and we talked for a bit before going to bed. He was so lazy and didn’t want to work. I have this bad pattern that can be seen throughout my history. He would stay out all hours of the night with these people and have no consideration for anything or me to even call and let me know he was ok. The first job was at a local taco place. Steven invited his druggie friends from the city and his . Upon returning to everyday life I got to know Steven and it didn’t take long to realize that I was in a bad situation again. quietly “grandma. after Matt. He had three jobs during the time we were together. They couldn’t believe I was actually there but they were really happy. We stayed in Las Vegas for about a week or so and when we came back home we moved to a new house just down from the adult foster care home that I had worked at prior to moving away in 1997. Steven made a few friends at this job and all of his friends seemed to revolve around weed. it’s Becky.

She wasn’t anything special that’s for sure. Steven was accused of stealing a few hundred dollars from the taco place not long after first time of closing the store alone. Janice and I couldn’t believe that Pam came to my house or that Steven would have the audacity to even invite her. but it gave us something to talk about afterward. Being an EMT he knew that he could get hypothermia fast and kept opening the door and yelling at me and Janice to keep checking on him to be sure he didn’t freeze to death outside. Finally Steven and his friend had to carry Thomas next door and that was pretty much the end of the party and I went to bed while Steven and everyone else stayed up and smoked weed all night long. During this time I had a deposit of a few hundred dollars into my checking account and Steven had told me that it had to be a mistake made by the bank and that he had only deposited a dollar value of the money not the hundred dollar total that was showing up in the system but the bank never found such a discrepancy or ended up withdrawing any mistake that had been made. Thomas and William there too. the taco place couldn’t prove that he stole the money but Steven quit . Well. nothing I’d be proud to take home to mom! Thomas was completely drunk he got sick real fast and decided he needed to go outside. It seemed that he was the last one seen with the bag of money on the security tape and the bag mysteriously wasn’t in the safe in the morning. from the taco place and her friend and of course I had Janice.girlfriend (yes I said girlfriend) Pam.

00. He wasn’t happy just to have his weed he wanted my stuff too and it really pissed me off. Steven wasn’t very street smart even though he wanted everyone to think he was and he wasn’t sure what to do. just like the old days. He was a totally different person when he smoked crack and we weren’t a good mix. The guys put it in Steven’s hand and ran. There were a couple of times that we got some crack and smoked it all by the time we got home and turned around and went back to the city to get more. Now I not only had to buy cigarettes for Steven .working there shortly after that happened. The tether he was wearing allowed him to go outside within 8 feet of the front and back door but between the hours of 7am and 7pm he could be out anywhere looking for work. My problem was that I didn’t want to share it with him just as I was before and I became the person that I didn’t like once again. One night he bought a handful of rocks. He also gave me the idea of getting some crack with the money too. off the ground. for $50. Most of the time all he would do is go down to the AFC home and sit there and bug Janice or Thomas for money to buy cigarettes.00 and no drugs. I was still attending college and doing quite well and when I got my student loan refund checks Steven didn’t have any qualms about spending it. When Jeffery got out of prison Steven offered our home to him and part of his parole conditions were that he had to actively find work and he would be under house arrest during the time that he wasn’t looking for work. so I was out $50.

and myself but for Jeffery too and he was never actively looking for work. Before he got his own vehicle. It wasn’t my fault that he was in jail to begin with. He went to the jail for one day until he could go to his dad’s house. Pete trusted Steven so he signed the title over right away so he could get plates and insurance. I was so pissed. If Jeffery didn’t have another place to go he would have to stay in jail until he found a place to stay but I couldn’t help that. Besides the fact that I had to drive Jeffery to his weekly parole meetings he also had to come up with the money to pay for his phone line because he had to have a 24/7-phone line for the tether box. Steven had a friend Pete who had a truck for sale and Pete offered the truck to Steven for a little money down and a set amount every week when he got paid. I had a bad feeling after that happened but it was Steven’s truck and his responsibility so I let him deal with it. Steven used my car when he did go to work but eventually I stopped letting him use my car so he had to act fast. I don’t know if he stole money from . During this time Steven decided he would go tend bar. It was causing trouble with Steven and me and I finally told Steven that Jeffery was going to have to leave. The first day Steven got the truck he and Pete went to the city and Steven got in an accident with it. All he did was take advantage of his program and I was getting fed up with him being in my home. It was a big issue and he tried to get everyone involved that was close to me but it didn’t work.

He worked often and he was making friends too. There were many nights he wouldn’t come home from work until 4 or 5 in the morning then he’d give me some stupid story about why he was late. More and more I didn’t care if he ever came home. The only way I found out about these checks was when the storeowner would confront me when the checks would get returned. Things got worse when he got the truck. Steven got a third job cooking at a restaurant and this was going to be a great ending for me. One night over Memorial Weekend we went to out and we . We didn’t even have a marriage. I was very unhappy because he wasn’t helping with the bills and he was stealing checks out of my checkbook then cashing them at the local party store knowing there was no money in the account. It was just a cohabitation and an unequal one at that but I was glad to see that all the tough times were coming to and end and I was going to get my chance to throw him out soon. I began hanging around a girl who I knew wasn’t really a friend but I would still go out with occasionally to have fun at the bars. He began coming home late again or he’d bring people home with him but I was to the point that our marriage was over.00 each. Sometimes they totaled more than $100.there too but I do remember something happening and they didn’t call him to come back to work after just a few weeks of his working there. Things were failing fast between Steven and me. Marriage.

I could remember him from when I was in high school and a classmate of mine had been dating him. This pissed her off and she stormed out of the bar and started raising hell in the parking lot. No invitation to me. drink some beer and watch movies.were standing at the bar and this guy standing behind me looked very familiar and I told her that the guy looked like Craig (her exboyfriend from many years ago) and when she tapped him on the shoulder he turned around and it was him. her brother and his girlfriend with him and when he walked in he said that the four of them were going to sit around that night. which was fine as I had plans already. he was hitting the page button but he couldn’t figure out where the phone was. It was funny. Steven wasn’t there and it seemed as though he hadn’t been home all night. I went down to see Janice to tell her what had been going on and I took the cordless phone with me so that Steven couldn’t call anyone. That was the beginning of my being free again and I couldn’t wait to go home and kick Steven out the next day! Craig and I made plans to meet later the next night and I was ready to go home and see what was going on. Everyone thought he was so cute and he still looked the same just older. We started talking and dancing and we were both pretty drunk and he asked me to go home with him. When he came home he had a girl. She wouldn’t get in the car with us (we’d all taken my car over there) so we just left her there and I went to his house with him. Eventually the four of them left the .

legally. so I decided to wait and I’d make him leave and once he was out that was it and he wouldn’t be able to come back in. Laws in my state weren’t the same as other states. He was also under the impression that it would only be for a couple of days and I told him no I wanted a divorce. which I would’ve loved to do but I had to think about how I would go about this. He walked out of the house and I told him to take his dog with him which he did but after a couple of days he came by and asked if he could leave the dog with me for a few days and I told him yes. After he’d been gone for a couple of days. and I’d been out going to the bars and partying with Craig I’d decided that it was time to get rid of Steven and when he came home that Sunday afternoon he walked in like nothing was going on and I told him we needed to talk. One day he called and asked if he could come by and pick up some of his things and I told him that all of his things were already packed up and out in the garage and he got irate and said Well.house and Janice kept telling me to go home and pack his stuff and throw it out on the lawn. I was . He seemed so surprised but I think he was more upset because he was losing his meal ticket and his free home. I asked him if he thought everything was ok and he said yes and I told him that I didn’t think it was and that I wasn’t happy and that I thought he should move out. I guess you really do want me out for good! And I said. “I told you I wanted a divorce” and that was the end of it.

I was finally away from the drugs though. but that was bad enough. During the fourth of July I hooked up with an old boyfriend from junior high school. I was very lucky that I didn’t go to jail for DUI or anything worse. but he was nothing to get too excited about. I wasn’t tied down to Steven anymore and I made it known to everyone who knew I’d been married or who may have known him. It took me less than two years and I was able to do it all from home online but that was an excellent way for me to attend school and not have to actually go there especially during winter. maybe a bit too much at times. He was still about the same age as he was in seventh grade and I didn’t need that in my life.enjoying my freedom. It was also graduation time too! I was finally going to graduate with my Bachelors Degree in Business Administration. especially since Steven wasn’t getting anything. I was drinking a bit too much again and having sex with too many people. I was just happy to get the divorce over and done with. I was the one that paid for everything during the time we were together and if he’d had a job at that time I’d have probably sued him for money owed for the stolen checks and anything else that I could’ve gotten money out of him for. During the time I was going out with Craig I was conducting my own divorce. Drinking was all I did. We . With Steven gone I had no desire or temptation to even be around the drugs at all. But no such luck. It was much cheaper this way.

Craig made an announcement that he wanted everyone to go to his house for a party and I was immediately ready to leave mostly because my car was at his house and then I could go home. Keith was always trying to get me into bed but I wasn’t interested in him.saw each other twice and that was the end of that reunion. We got to the bar and everyone proceeded to ignore me and just left me sitting at a table in the corner by myself. I knew what kind of guy he was and he totally turned me off but that didn’t stop him from trying. He walked away and a few minutes later one of the girls who was talking about me walked up with Craig and told me that he wasn’t ready to go home and I’d have to find my own ride home and I told him I needed to talk to him. My friend William was my driver during many of my drunken excursions and he put up with a lot with me. So he. I could tell they were because they were acting like teenagers do when they talk about others behind their hands but look at the person while they are talking. He still says to this day that he didn’t mind at all but I tell you if I had to put up with someone like me I’d go crazy! One night Craig said he and Keith were grilling steaks then going to the bar and if I wanted to come over I could go too. These girls were sitting at a table not too far from me and they kept looking at me and talking about me. That’s a friend for sure. He really pissed me off and I didn’t want to be there anymore. the girl and I went outside and I kept asking him to .

I’ve known him since I was fifteen”. He was a lot older than me and very set in his ways and not too bright either. He lived over 5 miles away. I finally had enough of her and I punched her in the face as hard as I could and she retaliated. I made friends with Kimberly at the town store after I kicked Steven out and occasionally we’d go to the local bar after she got done working and I began seeing this farmer. He and I had quite an argument at his house too before I left to go home.take me to my car and he kept telling me I had to walk. In the meantime she had gone back into the bar to get her friends about five of them and finally Craig decided that he would take me back to my car. I told him what a lowlife piece of shit he was. When I got home I called Janice and was crying to her about what had happened. I then called her a bitch and before I knew it I was on the ground looking up at the stars wondering what the hell was going on. I made sure to get blood all over the leather interior of his car from where my arms had been cut when I was pushed to the ground in the fight. blah. I thought I had a broken bone in my left elbow and my head hurt from hitting the pavement. She was in my face about two inches away telling me that she was with him and that she knew him longer. blah. She kept on running her mouth and before I knew it we were in a fight. And that was the only time that he stood up for me during this whole confrontation. Dave. And I told her “no. We fought the whole way back to his house. He immediately assumed that he would be the decision .

because he’d drive by my house at all hours of the day and night to see if I was home and if so. when he said but I was very defiant to his ways and I always talked back to him.maker and that I would do what he said. Any excuse getting him out of my house. very old farmhouse. He was one of those people who thought women were less than men and he let it be known and I called him on it more than once. which was a run down. He sort of started stalking me. I told him that I didn’t need him or any man for that matter and more often than not I’d end up telling him off and then hanging up on him but he’d always call back. He told me that he traded it for the car that he was now driving and he wasn’t going to pay for the truck anymore. who was there with me. but that didn’t happen. And when he’d come over. Eventually I just quit taking his calls. He was one of those people who would come over and NEVER leave. I’d always tell him I was busy or going somewhere. I couldn’t believe that he was telling me this! Pete was his friend! How could Steven actually feel good about doing this? Wait! This was the exact same thing that I’d done to my friends when I was in my . He was basically just a pain in the ass and not even worth the time of day. And he never let me go to his house. Steven also stopped coming around and he also told me that he no longer had the truck that he’d agreed to buy from Pete. Then he’d begin calling until I’d finally take the phone off the hook. He said it was too messy and he needed to clean it before I could go in there.

and I said Hi. Craig and I had seen each other once since the fight and after that I decided that would be the last time. just right for me. My life was calming down now that I was staying away from all the partiers. but I still couldn’t believe that he’d do this of his own free will and be happy about it and then talk so badly about his friend. I had gone out to meet him and his friend at a bar one night and they were both really drunk and he asked if I wanted to go for a ride so I went. It was nice to be away from all the eyes and ears that seemed to be so interested in what I was doing all the time. The next morning I awoke to a girl standing in his room staring at us in bed. Keith came in and woke us up a while later and when I . Pete and Matt (my ex) helped me move what furniture I did have to my new place and I got settled in quickly. and then we went back to his house. It was a nice three bedroom. two-bath trailer. She said Hi. The only problem was that I didn’t have any furniture except for a chair. But he was too drunk to be driving and he eventually decided that I should be driving thankfully. The couches that I’d had at the other house had been rented and I’d let them go back to the company when I moved to the trailer. then she turned around and left the room. A little while later I got up to use the bathroom and she was standing in the kitchen doing something but I didn’t pay too much attention to her and I went back to bed.drug induced fog. as I’d found a place to rent in a mobile home park. I eventually decided to move to a different town.

He was older than I and he was trying to pick me up that night but I wasn’t sure I could sidestep him and I was looking for a way around it. After I left his house that morning I made the decision that I didn’t need to be putting myself in these situations anymore because I wasn’t protected in any way with Craig and I knew from past experiences that he definitely wouldn’t stand up for me so I just had to make my decision and stick to it.walked out to the kitchen I saw a note there and it said something to the effect of: I can’t believe that I walked in and found you in bed with another girl. I wanted to go to the bar though and I didn’t want to go alone so he and Teri decided to go with me for a few minutes and that’s where I came across a friend I’d met earlier in the summer. His name was Shawn. That’s when I spotted a guy I’d known from seeing around the bar. I stopped in front of him and said to him “Just nod your head yes like I am asking you for a ride home so that guy over there thinks you are taking me home” and . When I walked up to Shawn. Pat. Chapter 9 William. I really thought that we had something special and you really hurt my feelings… Besides the note I had left a ten-dollar bill on the counter the night before and she seemed to have lifted that as well after leaving the note. his girlfriend and I went to the fair the night before it ended and we were having fun riding the rides but William was getting a little irritated or sick or something and he was ready to leave.

Shawn was working with a construction company at the time and had been living with a friend of his as well. We also discussed Shawn’s family.before I could get the words out completely he had his arms around my waist and was nodding his head yes. I also knew a couple of his aunts and uncles from school. After that I got Pat off my back about his giving me a ride home and Shawn and I hung out. We spent the whole next day together and I made sure he knew that I was in the process of getting a divorce but was in no way going to get back together with Steven and he in turn told me that he had a son that he had custody of but the child was currently having his week-long visitation with his mom. We stopped at another bar on the way back to my trailer and played a few more games of pool and had a few more drinks and headed out again a little while before the bar closed. I was a bit nervous though about meeting all of them as his girlfriend. They were all very well known in the town that I grew up in. played some pool and ate some food before leaving the bar. His grandmother had worked at the local Post Office for years and I remembered her quite well. I can still remember the day that Shawn called his mom to give her my phone number in case she needed to get hold of him for something and when he said he was with this girl she said something along the lines of are you shacking up with her? That is definitely something ma would say too. but I talked him into coming to my house after he’d got done working and stay with me instead of going .

but after he got used to me he really got used to his new house. Shawn had furniture! Now my trailer wasn’t just a tin can with a chair. Shawn and I talked about it and we decided that he and his son. a TV and a big bed. the joint in my ankle had . would move in with me. He was quiet for the first day at least until his dad came home. She was pleasant enough but it was strange for me because I’d never met Isaac and now he was getting dropped off. Due to the years of arthritis and other damage caused by the lupus and all the other ailments that have come over the years. Isaac settled in fairly quickly and Shawn worked when the weather permitted. Isaac. It actually began looking and feeling like home. so he began moving his things to the trailer. Shawn was at work when Isaac was brought home from his mom’s house but his grandmother was the one who brought him home. meeting me for the first time and coming to a new house that he wasn’t living in before leaving to go to his mom’s house. One thing that was great.back to his friend’s house. (There goes my fear of being alone showing again! I guess I am just happier when I have someone to come home to. He came into the trailer and I showed him where his room was with his toys. August 16.) By the end of the first week. I was still working at the adult foster care home and I had started another job at a local bar/restaurant as a waitress and I was getting ready to have surgery on my left ankle. or when I have someone coming home to me.

Jim (Janice’s brother) and many other people would all sit at this big table together and we’d drink trays full of jell-o shots. Thomas. When I began my job at the restaurant they knew that I was having the surgery and that I would be off work for about 6-8 weeks and that was ok with them. ever! Poor Shawn.no cartilage so it was just bone on bone and the doctor wanted to put a screw in to immobilize the bones to stop further damage. Janice. I would just bite my tongue and walk away. I was also trying very hard to be a happy drunk. he had to witness this on more than one occasion but he was happy with me and happy I was having fun so he just let me have my fun. but I figured the doctor knew what was best so I agreed to the procedures. I really liked the job and I made good tips as well. Shawn. me. I also had a bunion on my left foot that he would remove at the same time. actually the bunion is what I initially went in for to begin with. In the past I was so unhappy with my . We also began hanging out at this place on the weekends too. I also liked bartending and tried many times to get him to let me do that instead but he already had his staff set behind the bar so I just worked the bar before the regular staff came in. Those were my favorites! Sometimes Janice would even get me to do karaoke but I would really have to be drunk in order to do that because I don’t sing for anyone. The owner/cook could be a real asshole at times but I’ve put up with worse throughout my life so I could handle this.

but it was more of a nuisance than anything. I wanted to be married on our one-year anniversary from when we began our relationship so there was a lot of planning to do. Shawn had custody of Isaac because his mom couldn’t provide a safe home for him to begin with.” and that stopped her dead in her tracks. When she called she asked to speak to Isaac and I said to hold on that he was outside and I had to get myself up and go to the end of the house to call for him and she said in a real snotty voice. Isaac then came in and told her about his new house and his bedroom and all and she said she would call back and talk to Shawn when he was home and I said that was fine. Shawn and I became engaged about eight weeks after my surgery. My foot gave me a lot of trouble and I cut my cast . I wasn’t worried though I really thought it would be a fast recovery for me and that I would be back on my feet in no time. I’d only worked at the restaurant for about 3 weeks and it was time for me to have my surgery. While I was recovering I got to have my first telephone conversation with Isaac’s mom. I tried to work at the restaurant but it was hard for me. “No this is my house and they live with me. The surgery went well and I didn’t have a whole lot of pain at first (while I had my cast on). Are you the babysitter or something? I replied.life that more often than not I would get drunk and be so miserable that I would start a fight with my spouse/boyfriend/friends and it could be quite violent by the time it was over and I didn’t want this relationship to be that way and so far it hadn’t been.

I was listening to Shawn answer the door and I heard something about the police and then Shawn called me out and told me he was getting arrested. Apparently Shawn was supposed to go to court for small claims two days prior and he had no knowledge of the date. I didn’t know what I was going to do so I called ma as soon as Shawn left.off myself because I felt that my foot would heal on its own with it off. I didn’t really know her all that well yet but I told her what happened and she called one of her sisters and asked her to borrow the money so I could go get Shawn out and I took Isaac to ma’s house.00 more for the ride over to the jail! I couldn’t believe it. Things were getting a little crazy too because it was close to Halloween and the weather was getting cold. I told Janice I had to go and I’d call her back. Since he was a no show there was a warrant issued for his arrest and the police had nothing better to do on this Friday night than to come to our house and arrest him. I used all the money that I had to put some gas in the car and to get bail money together with what ma had borrowed and I went to get Shawn out but when I got there the bail had increased to $185. I had no more money and no way of getting it so I had to drive all the way back to town and hope that someone there . The cop said that if I could get $160. $25.00 together that I could bail him out.00. The night before Halloween we were sitting home getting ready to put Isaac to bed and there was a knock on the door and I was in the bedroom on the phone with Janice.

We were also planning the wedding that would be coming up in August. She was happy that I was finally with someone that made me happy and who was so good to me. That was all she ever wanted was for me was to be happy. The house was only a couple of miles from the school and located in a nice. It needed some work but it was all something that could be done in time and we could do it ourselves. I took pictures so that my grandma could see the house. One night mom had gotten up to get ready for work and she noticed that grandma had taken her daily amount of Xanax for the night but grandma insisted that she hadn’t taken them yet and she wanted more. I knew how much grandma had been suffering over the years. her memory was getting worse. Luckily a co-worker loaned it to me and I went back to get Shawn. She was losing more weight. When mom counted how many pills were left in .would have the money to loan me. and mom was missing more work than ever because she was afraid to leave her home alone. We lived at the trailer until March of the following year. 2003. and then we found a house that we decided to buy. By the end of April we had all the paperwork completed and the house was ours. My grandma’s health was failing and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before she passed away and I also knew that when it did happen there would be a huge hole in my life. We were excited about having our first home and were eager to begin painting and moving in. quiet neighborhood.

He was definitely her one true love. Since grandma passed. a couple of days prior. Every once in a while grandma would laugh and talk though to someone off to the side of her. She was never truly happy once he was gone. she had come around and refused treatment and this time they weren’t allowing that to happen. Mom didn’t know what to do so she stayed home from work in case something happened. I was so worried that I would be the one to find her dead and I dreaded that more than anything in the world. I think mom has realized that maybe grandma was trying to get her to help her commit suicide. Grandma has been ready to die ever since my grandpa died. I can remember mornings that I would get up and watch grandma lying on the couch. I loved her more than anything. She had begun having mini-strokes and had become incoherent.the bottle there were quite a few missing but grandma said she didn’t remember taking them. like she was having a conversation with my grandpa or someone and when mom would . I think she was just waiting for it to happen. 2003 and told me that grandma had been taken to the hospital. Mom called me around April 27. that was where she slept after my grandpa died. Mom told me that grandma had stopped talking altogether and was just staring off into space. just to make sure she was still breathing. My grandma was my world although I may not have always acted that way. My aunt had to come down and actually force grandma to go with the ambulance service to the hospital because the first time that mom had called 911.

mom called to tell me they were moving grandma to the hospice house and as they were preparing her for the final days. Mom had lived with grandma since 1992 and now she would have to adjust to being alone for the first time in many years. Mom stayed home for three weeks and she wasn’t sure if she even wanted to stay in Las Vegas. I began making the calls to family and she made her reservations for the plane trip and she came home around May 7th and that morning we had the service. It was difficult but we knew it was best for grandma in the end.ask her about it grandma would snap at mom and tell her she wasn’t talking to anyone. The morning of May 2nd mom called and talked to Shawn first and when he gave me the phone I knew by the look on his face that grandma was dead. By the end of the week. She was upset but she kept busy while she was home and I think that helped her a lot as she didn’t have time to sit around and dwell on the alone time that would be coming. We had a lot of planning to do as mom was going to have her cremated and bring the body home to buried next to grandpa’s grave. My kids were happy to see Grandma Las Vegas . Mom was very upset but I was trying to be strong for her. May 1st. I had prepared myself for grandma’s death a few days before this and I knew that it was for the best and that grandma would be at peace now and no longer in pain. Mom told everyone what her last days were like and we talked about the good times.

as she didn’t want to go to work or even get out of bed. Before she knew it she had gambled away all the money that grandma had left her and she was behind in her bills that she had worked so hard to get caught up after her accident and by missing work that was making her even farther behind. Mom also got to know Shawn a little better and see our house and she got to become involved more with the wedding plans. I know how bad my bouts with depression can get and how I couldn’t care less if I were dead or alive and I couldn’t handle having something happen to my mom as well. At the end of her three weeks it was time for her to go home and take care of things there and to return to work. I was worried about her but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do other than talk with her regularly and make sure she was ok. When she returned home I could tell she was falling into a deep depression.again. gifts and the occasional chat on the phone. I was really worried about her. It had been quite a few years since she had been home and they only knew her from her cards. I finally had to start talking to her as she had talked to me so many times before and tell her that she needed to go to work whether she wanted to be around people or not and that I knew it was hard to get out of the house but once she got out she would be . Now that the kids were growing up it was too expensive for me to take them with me as I used to because back then I didn’t have to buy two or three tickets. She was also missing work and gambling a lot.

It was a day of pampering by the kids: doing hair. the hall was rented. After being back in Las Vegas for a month or so she decided to come back for a couple more weeks and she was home for my bridal shower. Up until this point I’d been sort of lax about the whole thing but now I was anxiously waiting the day. She was probably watching down on us anyhow.J. I remember going to Anne’s mom’s day program when she was in Kindergarten. nails. Allen walked me down the aisle and Isaac was the ring bearer. We had a D. I knew grandma would’ve loved to seen this day. and a tent and chairs and we were going to be married outside at the farm in the garden. And now that I was living closer to the school I could be involved in more things with them. We were also making our own food (which in hindsight. and lunch and it was a lot of fun. We had a limousine reserved to pick me up at the house before the wedding and then for us after the ceremony.happy she was. The sun was shining and it was so nice out. Mom was also unsure of whether or not she wanted to stay out in Las Vegas or move back to home. It was wonderful! Allen was racing his dirt bike at a couple of local tracks and it was so exciting watching him out there doing something that he loved to do so much. would’ve been better to cater out). The day was beautiful! It was August 9. Anne was the flower girl. As the wedding approached I was getting more excited about it all.. I can also remember finally . I was so proud to have my kids be beside me on this special day.

Shawn was devastated and I didn’t know what to do or say. “Danny shot himself”. 2004 and it was ma calling. “When did he do it?” and I thought Bradley did something. We didn’t really know what happened all we knew was that his wife was with him when it happened. I’d been the strong one all week. We learned that Danny’s suicide came about because there had been a domestic dispute then 911 was called and when the police came Danny had a gun to her head. She was hysterical and we couldn’t understand anything she was saying so we hung up thinking she had just been drinking a little too much.m. That is the story that we have been told anyhow. instead of giving up and going to jail Danny turned the gun on himself. Then he breathed heavy and asked.being involved in the Christmas programs and going on field trips with the kids. but now I was the one that couldn’t . Then he hung the phone up and threw it to the floor. but then she called back again at 4:07 and Shawn told her he couldn’t understand anything she was saying. Chapter 10 A death in the family brought everything to an abrupt halt. When we got ready to go to the church for the funeral Danny’s death finally hit me. Then he asked. on June 7. “What happened? And I thought Bill did something. The phone rang at 3:30 a. Shawn got really quiet and I asked him twice what happened. It was really nice. I couldn’t believe it. This was horrifying. then he said. When they went outside.

Life sure has thrown a lot of transitional phases at me in the past eight years and I have definitely learned a lot. as they are. I was so self-involved that I didn’t care to think about any of that when I left.stand up or even believe that he was gone. I have a wonderful husband and family and I am away from drugs. Since I have gone through all of my issues with the drugs and abuse I have become somewhat of a loner and am a bit selfish because I tend to keep to myself a lot and this shows in my parenting skills.B. I have finally found happiness in my life. So many lives changed in an instant. I can’t believe that my kids have grown up so fast and that Allen is now 16 years old and Anne just turned 13. I have been learning how to be a mom to my stepson and this isn’t always an easy task for me. and still work at the AFC home. My body has gone through as much in the past nine years as one often goes through in a lifetime. My mom is close to me and I spend a lot more time with my kids.A. We don’t talk about my being gone and I don’t even think they remember me even being gone. I have been sick with lupus now for over 14 years and many . I have also obtained my M. I didn’t realize that I would be hurting more people than Matt and my kids. I have faced the family as a whole and apologized for leaving like I did because at the time I was only thinking of myself. I am trying to be as healthy as possible to enjoy life. My mom-in-law was affected as well because I left and she had to help pick up the slack that I left behind.

but there are so many people that live on the streets for years and years and it is a very difficult road to travel. I am one of the fortunate ones. I am hoping that by writing this book I can help others to see that growing up in a small town has good points and bad. my family. my . mental abuse. and drug addiction and will forever have the experiences within myself. I am happy that I met Shawn and have been able to find love again and have someone who loves me for me and not my money or drugs or whatever else they can get from me. I am a survivor of molestation. Many people are too sheltered and don’t have the chances to see what life is all about and when they do finally get out in the world it can come back and bite them. I was gone a total of three years and that was long enough for me…too long I think. so I am trying to do what I can to stick around and be with my family for as long as I can. married with two children who made some very bad decisions and they got worse before they got better and luckily I wasn’t killed before I hit rock bottom and realized that I needed help and had to get away. I still struggle with the drug addiction and I know that I will forever but I know that I cannot ever go back to that life not even for one hit because I’ve gone that route and one time is never enough.people die before now and I am still here even after all I have put my body through. my children. I have begun mending fences and am lucky that I have my mom. I was able to get out. I was just a small town girl. alcoholism.

very close friends and my husband who is my lover and best friend and I love him with all my heart. .

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