OVERVIEW

Dont you envy people who exude confidence? Not to be confused with the
overbearing pride of arrogance which tends to push people away, someone whos self possessed and feels comfortable in their own skin attracts other folk to them like magnets. Everyone wants what they have. How we feel about ourselves greatly influences how we live. Yet many of us feel a lack of confidence due to, for example, poor physical health or a negative life event such as losing our job or getting divorced that pulls the rug out from under us, indeed anything that leaves us feeling like weve lost all control. Or low confidence may be deeply rooted and have its origins in traumatic childhood experiences. Sadly, this can be a vicious circle: people who are insecure dont tend to perform as well and as a result, enjoy fewer successes. In turn this makes them feel even less confident. After all, who wants to hire someone whos hesitant, fumbling and painfully self -effacing? Conversely, an articulate individual who looks you in the eye, converses assuredly and doesnt have a problem admitting their mistakes makes a far better impression. Self -confident people inspire confidence in others: their audience, colleagues, employers, their customers and friends. Indeed, gaining the confidence of the people around them is one of the main reasons a self-confident person succeeds in life. Think about it: if youre self-confident youre more likely to connect and socialise with others. But if youre plagued by self-doubt, youll probably withdraw and keep to yourself. Youre also more likely to overly focus on your perceived deficiencies and avoid chasing that job vacancy or bloke youre interested in because you dont think youre qualified or attractive enough.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

If youre self-confident, however, instead of dwelling on what you lack, youre more likely to use that energy to give the possibility of romance, or a new career, your best shot. Moreover, if youre successful, thats great. If not, you dont take it personally but simply move on to the next opportunity. Two main things contribute to self-confidence: self-efficacy and self-respect. Self-efficacy is the measure of the belief in one's own ability to complete tasks and reach goals. Self-respect is an attitude of acceptance of, and approval for, your own character and conduct.

Although genuine self-confidence isnt something you acquire overnight, it is readily achievable just as long as you are focused and determined enough.
Even better, the strategies you use to build a positive self-image such as the 15 you are about to read in our eBook will also improve your chances of success, boosting your confidence even more.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

PRACTICE SELF-COMPASSION
Have you ever stopped to consider how strange it is that you are often there for your friends in need, providing love and support and encouragement, but when it comes to nurturing and bolstering yourself, you vacate the premises? Or worse, you tell yourself youre a terrible person and that all your difficulties are due to your failings?

Its like youre your own worst enemy. Yet given how hard life is already with its inevitable sorrows and disappointments, doesnt it make far more sense to be your own biggest fan? And again, this doesnt mean endlessly blowing your own trumpet. It just means having your own best interests at heart, being able to support yourself in the same way youd willingly and unhesitatingly support a loved buddy or family member. Indeed, having compassion for yourself is an essential prerequisite to healthy self-confidence. Fortunately, there are things you can do to develop this part of you. One suggestion is you write a compassionate letter to yourself from the perspective of someone whose priority is your happiness and wellbeing. Be sure to validate your feelings and why youre struggling, bearing in mind that everyone battles demons because tis the nature of being human. This will help keep the tone of the letter understanding, accepting and non-judgemental. Or alternatively, write that letter to yourself from an older, wiser, compassionate you envisaging all the while what your compassionate future might look like.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

MAXIMISE THE POWER OF BODY LANGUAGE

Did you know only a small percentage of communication involves actual words: seven percent to be exact. The rest, 38 percent, is vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone of voice) and visual (55 percent is body language and eye contact). In other words, the way we physically present ourselves in everyday interactions, more than any other factor, influences how others see us. But thats just the half of it. According to social psychologist Amy Cuddy, whose TED Talk is the subject of this blog post, our body language or nonverbals can also change how we see ourselves. Specifically what she calls power posing, that is standing i n a posture of confidence, even when were feeling diminished, can affect testosterone (the dominance hormone) and cortisol (the stress h ormone) levels in the brain, and might even impact on our chances for success. Power posing consists of those nonverbal expressions of power and dominance that Cuddy says are about expanding. So you make yourself big, you stretch out, you take up space, youre basically opening up. Conversely, when were feeling powerless, we contract and make ourselves small. Moreover we tend to complement the nonverbals of the person were with. So, for example, we shrink if were with someone powerful. Fortunately, Cuddy says we can overcome our feeling of lack even if doing so means we have to fake it till we make it. Its possible that when you pretend to be powerful, you are more likely to actually feel powerful, that is, more assertive, more confident, mor e optimistic, more likely to take risks and more able to think abstractly. Cuddy further adds that at the same time we can alter our physiology, in particular how much testosterone and cortisol we have. Not surprisingly, powerful and effective leaders have high testosterone and low cortisol, which is ideal because you want the person whos powerful and dominant, but not very stress reactive, says Cuddy. Indeed, all this has been borne out in lab experiments with subjects who briefly adopt either high or low-power poses, and among other things are given an opportunity to gamble in order to provide measurements of risk tolerance. According to Cuddy, what we fi nd is that when youre in the higher-power pose position, 86 percent of you will gamble. When youre in the low-power pose condition, only 60 percent. In addition, the high-power people experience about a 20 percent increase in their testosterone level, and a 25 percent decrease in their cortisol level; the low-power people a 10 percent decrease in testosterone and only a15 percent increase in their cortisol level.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

LOOK HOW YOUD LIKE TO FEEL

Its obvious that when you dont dress in a style that suits you or youre carrying too much weight, or youve chosen an unflattering hair colour, youre going to feel less at ease at that party, work event or even on a date than if you had stuck to your preferred fashion, kept to your diet and not dyed your hair. Perhaps it sounds trivial but your self-image, how you think you present to the rest of the world, is very important in terms of your self-confidence. The most important thing here is presenting what you consider to be your very best public face (persona), even if other people have a different idea of what that might be. The important thing is you need to be true to yourself in this regard in order to feel self-confident. If you insist on wearing flower-patterned mou-mous because you feel great when you do (and to hell with your friends misgivings!), then thats your prerogative. Of course, what sometimes happens is you see a photo or some video footage of yourself and realise with a shock that you look nothing like youd imagined. In fact, you look terrible in a mou-mou. Not that this is necessarily a problem. Just so long as you are the one who decides to make whatever adjustments are needed to ensure your self-image accords with reality.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

IDENTIFY AND SHARE YOUR INSECURITIES

Behind every emotion are endless threads of thoughts weaving umpteen stories about who you think you are, why this is and who you think you should be. Thats why it pays to get to know your thoughts, including where they might have come from. Until you do, its impossible to change your own storyline for the better. One way is to start writing a journal. What does that voice in the back of your mind say? What makes you squirm with discomfort and feel ashamed? This could be anything from a physical defect to an incident in your past where you know you behaved badly. Whatever is making you feel unworthy, regretful or inadequate identify it, name it and write it down. Better still, blog about it. An Israeli study has found that blogging our innermost feelings turns out to be more confidence building than recording them in a diary the old fashioned way. After two months, students who posted intimate and sometimes agonised entries online at least twice a week showed greater improvement in self-confidence especially if their (totally anonymous) blogs were open to comments (which were usually supportive). One explanation for this is that safe self-exposure though blogging helps us to feel connected and less socially anxious. But if writing isnt your forte, you might try confiding in those close to you. Talking to people who know and care about you the most can help you see yourself and certain situations in a much truer light. In fact, our nearest and dearest often know us better than we even know ourselves. Not to mention theyre usually happy to lend us an ear and give advice. So dont be too proud to seek out such folk for some much needed self bolstering.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

STOP NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

This is a big one the critical voice inside your head that hammers you with negativity, insisting: I cant do this, Im doomed to failure and I feel like a fool. Especially when youre faced with those conditions or situations that challenge you the most such as public speaking, job interviews or meeting new people for the first time. The first thing is learning how to identify these thoughts through practices such as meditation which train you to become more aware of your mental processes. The next step is challenging these thoughts using cognitive behaviour techniques such as those described by Dr Sarah Edelman in her recent blog contribution, Thinking about metacognitive beliefs (parts 1 and 2). It may be that your initial thoughts which are really no more than your opinions or perceptions (and are therefore highly subjective), arent the only possible way to view the situation youre in so you need to test their accuracy. Is your view consistent with the facts and logic or could there be another rational explanation? Also pay attention to thought patterns that tend to erode self-respect such as all or nothing thinking where you see things as either all good or all bad, or mental filtering where you see and only dwell on the negatives. Now replace these negative and inaccurate thoughts with their accurate and constructive counterparts. For example, avoid should and must statements. If you find your head full of these words, youre probably putting unreasonable demands on yourself. Another way of disarming that nagging, negative internal voice is to imagine a volume control that you can turn down whenever you choose. Or you could change the way your internal voice sounds so it sounds less like you. What if Alvin the Chipmunk was berating you? Do you think you could take this so seriously? The point is that as you begin to recognise those thoughts and beliefs contributing to your low self-estimation, you are in a better position to apply antidotes to actively counter them which will ultimately help you appreciate your value as a person.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

IDENTIFY YOUR GOOD POINTS

Theres a well-known anecdote concerning His Holiness the Dalai Lama who was allegedly asked at one of his public talks to comment on peoples low self -esteem in the West. Its reported that his interpreter spent some time explaining the question to HHDL who eventually responded that he found the concept of self-loathing difficult to understand because it didnt historically exist in Tibet where people just quite naturally respected and loved themselves (modern day Tibet is a very different story!) One way of interpreting the above is that self-love is really your birthright but that its often conditioned out of you through life circumstances. The problem is that by the time youve grown up and are invariably weighed down by your emotional baggage, its not enough to be reminded you have the spark of the divine within. Far more helpful is to consider your other good points whatever they may be: creative abilities, friendliness, a green thumb or photographic memory. In other words, to focus on your talents and strengths. Take pride in them. And give yourself credit for your successes, no matter how small. If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself, others will follow suit. But if you speak about yourself in positive terms, it becomes self-fulfilling. And remember, whatever positive contribution you make, even if its just preparing a tasty meal for appreciative friends, is empowering. To help you stay on track (and for a bit of fun) why not create a personal commercial, no more than one minute long that highlights your gifts and endowments? Then recite it in front of the mirror out loud (or internally if youd prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost. You might be interested in these free eBooks: 10 tips for life satisfaction. LINK. 12 wise quotes to live by. LINK.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

CULTIVATE MORE KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY

It seems the wealthier cultures get, the more self-obsessed their populations often become. Certainly for the majority of people on the planet, its still a fulltime job surviving with little spare time available for navel gazing. Not that theres anything wrong with considered self-reflection. The problem arises when you spend too much time thinking about your (generally thwarted) desires. This then leads to speculation about the role your faults and failings may have played, and the more you stew on them the more you feed into any pre-existing feelings of low self-worth. If this sounds like you, one of the best things you can do is focus less on you and more on the needs of others. Guaranteed that the more you engage with and try to help those less fortunate than yourself, the less likely you are to dwell on your own perceived shortcomings. For one thing, you wont have time. For another, the effect of your selfless behaviour, even if its just being kinder to everyone you come into contact with during the day, is that you start regarding yourself in a more positive (read: confident) light. In the same vein, compliment other people by focusing on their finer qualities. A sure sign that you dont like yourself very much is a tendency to speak ill of others. In order to break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising the good points of others instead. In the process, youll become well liked and increase your self-assurance. This isnt just empty talk. A UK study found that when volunteers spread kind gossip about fictional others, they immediately experienced a feel-good jolt and a slight but significant increase in self-confidence (meanwhile spreading mean-spirited rumours led them to feel a 34 percent increase in negative emotions). At our events, we hear so many inspiring stories about the power of altruism. You might like to revisit Paul Griffiths The science of goodness and happiness and Matthieu Ricards Cultivating genuine altruism both from Happiness & Its Causes 2011.
15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

LEARN THE RULES OF THE CONFIDENCE GAME

Do you assume that people who excel at what they do, and moreover, are confident in their abilities, no longer wrestle with the demons of fear and anxiety? If you answered yes, youre wrong according to leading Australian psychotherapist, Dr Russ Harris, a speaker at the 2013 Happiness & Its Causes conference. In a presentation thats the subject of this blog, Harris offers some great insights into what we need to be aware of and do, in order to cultivate genuine confidence. His first point is that feelings of fear and anxiety, whenever we put ourselves in a challenging situation with an uncertain outcome, are perfectly normal. And yet to admit to feeling scared and nervous tends to be frowned upon. Harris blames the culture and our early conditioning. Nor does it help that many models of psychology regard fear and anxiety as negative emotions. On the contrary, whats negative because it leads to low self -confidence is our avoidance of fear and anxiety, structuring your life around desperately trying to avoid, reduce or get rid of [these] feelings, says Harris. In order to be confident a t something, you first need to be competent. And that means, stepping out of your comfort zone again and again and again into a challenging situation with an uncertain outcome to develop the skills and get the experience that is necessary for competence. It also means not getting rid of the difficult feelings that arise in the process but learning to accept them. Harris says the third rule is to engage fully in the task at hand. A major cause of low self -confidence is a lack of task focused attention, he says. Watch a virtuoso guitarist closely and its apparent their attention is focused single -pointedly not on themselves but on what theyre doing. So how do remain task-focused in a challenging situation? Harris says mindfulness is the key, to let difficult thoughts and feelings arise and be without immediately trying to suppress, get rid of or transform them. Youre just accepting them, letting them be there, flow through you, he says. For more information about meditation and mindfulness, check out our following eBooks: Mindfulness in 10 easy steps. LINK. How to meditate. LINK. How to nurture teacher mindfulness for a caring classroom. LINK.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

CHANGE BAD HABITS

Youve probably got bad habits, whether its smoking too much, eating bad food, venting your anger when its inappropriate or missing important deadlines because you over procrastinate. Thats bad enough. Whats worse is when you know you should do something about bad habits but you dont, or you try to do something about them and you fail. Worse because both scenarios take a toll on the way you feel about yourself, especially in terms of your self-confidence. Thats why it pays to commit to breaking bad habits because of the boost its guaranteed to give you in this regard. You might like to read our blog post on the subject of how to go about it. Bear in mind though that since were talking about ways to increase your confidence, its better to start small to increase your likelihood of success. Aim too high and you risk falling flat on your face, not advisable if youre already feeling unsure about your capabilities. Changing bad habits isnt just about changing your behaviour; its also about setting yourself new challenges at the same time in order to engage more confidently with the world. These might be exercising more, learning to sing, or enrolling in a meditation course. Just be sure to pick goals that you care about and that will benefit you, as opposed to those you think others want you to have. Ideally these will exploit your strengths and minimise your weaknesses. And again, aim small to begin with to maximise your chance of success. Then set another smallish goal and achieve that. The more you achieve small goals, the better youll feel. Soon youll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and achieving those too. On the other hand, sometimes despite your best efforts you stuff up. Learn to handle failure. Accept that mistakes happen when youre trying to change or to tackle something new. And realise that its human to sometimes buckle in a moment of weakness and go backwards. The real measure of your success is in what you do next. .

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

Performance anxiety is a common problem that many performers believe they need to overcome in order to be successful. Yet according to Associate Professor Susan ONeill, a psychologist and musician, performance anxiety can actually help a performa nce. An interview she gave on the topic is the subject of this blog post. Typically those suffering from performance anxiety, despite how much theyve rehearsed and prepared for their big moment on s tage, are worried theyll stuff up. This is what fascinates ONeill and why she started exploring this idea of how we can feel so different when we walk out on stage, when were suddenly up in front of people, than when were in surroundings that were familiar wit h where were practicing and preparing. ONeill suggests part of the reason for this is that theres this core fundamental person we believe ourselves to be [that] we think is a pretty stable, constant person but that when we go out on stage, we realise all of a sudden, wow, I dont feel like that per son, why is that? And we panic. In fact, recent findings in psychology posit that our sense of self is much more fluid than we think, which is why inevitably on stage we feel different. The key question then is how to embrace the fact that youre going to be an emergent self, youre going to h ave a new possibility of self in those special moments? Yet many performers seek to cure their anxiety. ONeill suggests this is because performance anxiety is situated within a medical model. On the contrary, performance anxiety is you, its your life force; its not a separate entity. Moreover, many influential philosophers argue that anxiety is a crucial life force and energy that actually fuels our creativity. It may also deepen a performers connection with their audience. Part of what helps us make those connections is that were vulnerable in those particular moments, says Cuddy. In contrast, those who try to dull the sensations of pre -stage jitters, for example, through taking medication, risk numbing not just their ability to connect with their audience but their feelings of heightened awareness, focus and concentration.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

SMILE MORE
This is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. In his facial feedback response theory, Charles Darwin argued that the act of smiling itself actually makes you feel better rather than smiling being merely the result of feeling good. A German study that used fMRI imaging to measure brain activity before and after injecting Botox to suppress smiling muscles confirms this. It showed that facial feedback modifies the neural process of emotional content in the brain in a way that lifts our spirits when you smile hence boosting your confidence in the long run. Read more about the power of smiling here.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

SPEAK SLOWLY
How quickly you talk definitely influences the way others perceive you. You know yourself when listening to a person in authority speak, youre more likely to pay attention to what they say if they say it in slow and measured tones. This shows selfpossession and control. Conversely, someone who feels theyre not worth listening to will speak quickly because they dont want to prolong the agony of their listener, even though this compromises the quality of their communication and can make them, ironically, feel worse. Even if you dont feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times (just dont sound unnatural in the process!) It will make you feel more self-assured if only because of the way it affects the person/people youre talking to.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

EXERCISE
This is a no brainer. If youre out of shape, you feel insecure, unattractive and less energetic. By not exercising, you also deny yourself that heady hit of endorphins you get whenever you work out. Ive lost count of the number of times Ive finished a combat class at the gym (martial arts to music) and felt like I could conquer the world. So commit to regular exercise. Better still, push yourself to go for a little longer each time. A US study has found that making the extra effort when the ego is weak may strengthen a feeling of control, which leads to selfconfidence.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

BE GRATEFUL
Much of the time, at the root of insecurity and under confidence is a feeling of lack. Even though many of us enjoy a quality of life that far surpasses anything even the kings and queens of yesteryear could boast, theres still a sense that we dont have enough money, opportunities, good luck and so forth. Of course, the tendency when you focus too much on what you dont have is to blame yourself and this can be very undermining. Try cultivating feelings of gratitude instead by mentally listing everything in your life you feel grateful for: loving relationships, unique skills, a roof over your head. By acknowledging and appreciating just how fortunate you are, especially compared to the majority of people on the planet, you can combat your feelings of dissatisfaction and inadequacy. You might like to read Toni Powells blog on the subject.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

ACCEPT COMPLIMENTS
A major sign of low self-confidence is shrugging off praise or downplaying compliments because you honestly dont believe you have anything special to offer. This is quite different to someone who protests as a fishing for flattery strategy. If you can relate to the first category, train yourself to accept compliments with grace. But dont just leave it there. Think about what the person has said and allow yourself to feel genuinely good about their favourable observations. Start building a mental list of what others appreciate in you and recall that list the next time youre feeling down on yourself.

15 WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE

4 & 5 November 2013 Brisbane Convention & Exhibition Centre http://www.happinessanditscauses.com.au/roadshow/brisbane

7 & 8 November 2013 Perth Convention & Exhibition Centre www.happinessanditscauses.com.au/roadshow/perth

14 & 15 November 2013 SMC Conference & Function Centre Sydney www.mindanditspotential.com.au

29 & 30 May 2014 Seymour Centre Sydney www.happinessanditscauses.com.au