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Pretend to speak Chinese with everyone else in the household for an entire day. Comb your cat with a large spoon while speaking this fake Chinese. 2. Place a pile of catnip in the center of an empty birdcage. Place this birdcage in the center of the floor. Enjoy. 3. Go the pound and ask to handle as many cats as the staff will let you. When the staff isn't looking, rub these cats all over your body. Go directly home and bury your head in your pillow. Weep uncontrollably like an adulterer who can't bring himself or herself to confess. 4. Keep a Halloween mask under your pillow. While your cat is sleeping next to you, slip it on and then start moaning to get the cat awake. Turn on the light and stick your mask (preferably Frankenstein or uglier) right in your cat's face. 5. Place a police car's flashing blue light on top of your cat's enclosed litter box. Have it set to go off every time your cat approaches the box. 6. Fill your cat's litter box with seashells. 7. Fill your cat's litter box with marbles. 8. Fill your cat's litter box with water. 9. Return home from work with a mouthful of feathers each day. Act surprised or irritated as they fall out of your mouth. 10. Record the sound of cats meowing and then play the tape backwards. See if your cat is freaked out by any Satanic messages in his language. 11. Build a Habitrail tube tunnel that runs through his sleeping quarters, all around his litter box, his scratching post etc. Then stock it with dozens of white mice so he gets no rest. Place the wheel right next to his favorite nap spot. 12. Put flypaper all over your cat's scratching post. 13. When you get caught in one of those staring contests with your cat, begin to weep uncontrollably and insist at very high decibels that now you know the REAL reason you're in therapy. 14. Act as if the vacuum cleaner is viciously attacking you; fall to the floor, scream, get snared in its horrid tentacles. "Die" with the vacuum cleaner still running. Then try to vacuum near your cat. 15. Decorate your cat's tail with Olympic-style streamers and tell your friends the feline is in training for the "floor exercises." Turn on a lot of floor fans. 16. Get a remote control can opener and keep turning it on while you're both in bed sleeping. As soon as your cat gets back from the mad dash to the kitchen and falls back asleep, do it again. 17. Make your cat wear that sweater he or she just won't stop rubbing against and covering with their hair. For an entire day. 18. When you kiss your cat, slip 'em the tongue. 19. TURN ABOUT: follow your cat around the house from morning to night. Stare at him constantly, waiting for his next move. See how they like it. 20. COLD CAT: immediately upon coming inside from shoveling snow for an hour, pick up your cat and enclose them in the embrace of your freezing coat and snowy mittens. Not recommended for hemophiliacs or those sensitive to the sight of their own blood. Hope you enjoyed! Copyright W.B. Keckler All rights reserved