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So I’ve been told that men have a reflex. It’s universal.

They all
do it. No matter the girl – big or small, black or white – a man will
feel the need… no, the deep, instinctual pull… to ruminate over
her behind as she passes. They can’t help it, so I hear. Even if
their girlfriend is sitting across from them at dinner, they will
necessarily HAVE TO look a specimen up, and then down. They
don’t stop to think that their glance is obvious to anyone (men
are so smart really).

Let’s ponder the reasons why a woman’s rear is of such


importance to every run-of-the-mill fellow. Here are a few
reasons why that I’ve heard along the way.

1) A woman’s butt reflects her personality.


This is the sweet approach that is designed to lure you into his
master plan. You are meant to sympathize, enjoy, and even
participate in his obsession with the backside. He says during a
silly conversation, “You know, a woman’s butt is really just a
gateway into her entire lifestyle. You can tell everything about a
girl from her booty.” So the participating members of the
conversation laugh, and begin to think about girls they know and
these girls’ rear-ends. “Oh yeah!” one person will say, “Sally’s a
vegetarian and totally into eating right…. And her butt is sooo
tiny! Your theory is genius!” And so it progresses, all fun and
games. Until he describes your best friends’ “ass personality” as
“spunky.” It’s really all downhill from there.

2) Well, so what? She’s hot!


There’s not much to say about this excuse. The men who use
this one are obviously so oblivious to the implications of what
they say and do that they aren’t worth our discussion. I will say
that this sort of ass-looker can be tamed. What he needs is a
slap to the face.

3) I’m sorry, but we honestly can’t help it.


This is the “reflex” approach. There is absolutely no thought
behind this excuse. It’s vapid air. Many people like to interpret
men’s stupid behavior as a product of nature’s plan. In the
classic tradition, people will often say, “boys will be boys!”
(chuckle, with a jug of Pabst in one hand) when writing off
behaviors such as: cheating, flirting, drinking too much, fist-
fighting over a parking space, and push-up contests. You are
meant to pass off his behavior as the male way of being. In
matters of a woman’s rear – “It’s there, so I’ve got to stare.” Kind
of like a car crash.

4) Baby, I look at everyone. You just notice when I’m staring at


an attractive woman.
The fact that he checks out everyone is supposed to make you
feel better. He will attempt to negate the fact that he is actively
staring at attractive women’s rear by telling you that his eyes
scan every passer-by. Now, you are meant to universalize his
instinct; to say to yourself, “Well he must look at ugly girls and fat
men as well. So I’m safe.” What he doesn’t mention is that he
looks twice as long, twice as hard at an attractive female. That
what he says in his head when Ms. Fat Booty walks by is,
“Damn… nice ass.” He wants you to forget that he scrutinizes
these butts, and with much more attention to detail, than he does
anyone else’s. Though he may glance at other people, he quickly
sizes them up and dismisses them. The perky butt, on the other
hand, he watches. He enjoys. And, if only for a brief instant, he
feels (you know where).

5) I’m just very taken with the human form.


You are meant to view him as an artist. He loves a human body,
especially the female form – God’s most spectacular creation.
Therefore, the fact that he sees so much beauty in the “curves”
of a woman is supposed to make you feel closer to him. What he
unconsciously wants you to think, “Wow, he really respects the
sanctity of a woman’s body. He will really understand my female
insecurities. I can open up to him.” What you’re missing is that
he “respects” every woman’s rear that passes. We will call this
man the aspiring Picasso.

Can men be awakened from their ass-trance? Or perhaps women


across the globe should be expected to accept and embrace this
personality defect? I don’t know. I do know two things: 1) I’ve
got a cute little behind and the thought of a husband on his
anniversary, a sex addict boyfriend, or a high-school soccer coach
watching its lilt is a terrifying idea, but a real one. 2) The next
time I catch that salivating glaze take over guy’s eyes while we’re
enjoying a romantic dinner, I’m pouring my ice water down his
pants.