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Scagway Presents: A Poor Attempt at Writing

Scagway Presents: A Poor Attempt at Writing

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Published by Caribou Lou
A beginning of Scagway, such as how it got started and how it came to control the universe in the future. In it read about how Caribou Lou gets a cybernetic toe nail after a red gummy bear named Mo beats the crap out of his pinky toe; and how Phyllis Fiver blows herself up in order to find the paper maché doll who molested her. As for coming up with the word scagway I remember watching an old western on AMC one day back some years ago and I could've sworn some crazy old man kept saying the word scagway. So I thought it was funny sounding to make it the name of a coffee company. Apparently on youtube there are a pair of rappers called cheebs and scagway. Not sure where he came up with the name but I did not get it from them. There is also an online urban dictionary entry of the word which was entered in by a friend of mine (Jarrod, not the Subway dude) back when I created the Scagway story. That's about it...
A beginning of Scagway, such as how it got started and how it came to control the universe in the future. In it read about how Caribou Lou gets a cybernetic toe nail after a red gummy bear named Mo beats the crap out of his pinky toe; and how Phyllis Fiver blows herself up in order to find the paper maché doll who molested her. As for coming up with the word scagway I remember watching an old western on AMC one day back some years ago and I could've sworn some crazy old man kept saying the word scagway. So I thought it was funny sounding to make it the name of a coffee company. Apparently on youtube there are a pair of rappers called cheebs and scagway. Not sure where he came up with the name but I did not get it from them. There is also an online urban dictionary entry of the word which was entered in by a friend of mine (Jarrod, not the Subway dude) back when I created the Scagway story. That's about it...

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Published by: Caribou Lou on Sep 18, 2009
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By: Brian Gallagher
Characters: Calico Rye – CEO of Hertzle Kraft Kip Saunders – President of Scagway Caribou Lou – Degenerate of Caribou Lou Cigarettes, LLC. Raban McCarol – Captain of the Alpaca 9, a lethal mercenary unit Skyface Sam – An ex-god, who now works as a manager at a garbage dump for all of Life’s creations. Mr.Tupolow-????

Prologue Storytelling
At a cafeteria inside a military installation was Caribou Lou, a tall man with a patch over his left eye. He was sitting down at a table enjoying a cup of Scagway’s Fresh Brew coffee. With him was a young man in a white and green uniform who was munching on an olive loaf samich. “So, Lou, what’s on for today?” asked the young man. “Hmmm…let’s see Pim. First we’ll probably clean the toilets and sinks and then go on to throw out the trash.” Said Lou who finished off his coffee. “Why do you keep drinking that crap? You know its toxic.” Said Pim. “I’m a goddam janitor on a friggin moon base! The hell do I care if this’ll kill me?” “Why are you a janitor anyway? You said you’d tell me one day so how ‘bout it?”

“Why am I a janitor? What a very profound question Pim!” He looked at Pim with a large smile. Caribou Lou’s face became very stoic and he spoke in a hushed voice. “I’m a janitor because I am undercover in order to start a coup to topple the top brass at Scagway. That’s why I am a janitor.” “You’ve been here for twenty years…” “It takes a long time to start a coup, dammit!” “I’m sure…” “Well, I told you why I’m a janitor now you owe me an explanation as to how you got your name now fess up.” “Alright I guess I’ll tell.” Pim finished off his samich and pickle “Ok so my mom named one of his bitches, to her. I never did newspaper once when years ago.” “Well?” asked Pim “What?” said Lou “Waddya think of that, pretty cool, huh?” “Actually, it sounds kinda lame and sad, by the way I’d get checked out if I were you.” “Checked out for what?” “I dunno Aids, HIV, any sexually transmitted diseases, blood borne illnesses, etc.” “Well I was HIV positive, but I got that shot, so I’m alright now” “Shot? You mean the Scagway HIV- or Shiv shot?” “Yeah.” “All that shot is is toxic waste.” “I’m sure…” me Pim because my father was a pimp and she was but he loved her most of all, at least according meet him, but I saw a picture of him in the they did a prostitution ring bust a couple of

“No, seriously it is. Before I was kicked out of the company that was one of their ways of getting rid of toxic chemicals and such for other industries, they made billions from it.” “Dude, it was guaranteed by the Scagway Surgeon General.” “Their Surgeon General isn’t even human it’s a chimpanzee with a Scagatron helmet that allows it to speak Mali!” “What the fuck you’re telling me I’m still HIV +!” “No, you’re probably HIV – because of the high dose of toxic chemicals flowing through your body.” “So what’s the big deal?” “Well you probably have cancer now.” “Who doesn’t” Pim laughed. “That’s true.” Lou laughed too. “That’s probably why I have three testicles and a vagina now!” Pim burst out laughing “Ahem, that’s messed up man.” Lou cleared his throat and gave Pim serious look “I…know…” Pim cried “Well Scagway screws yet another victim…” said Lou “What about you? You just said you were kicked out of Scagway, yet you are still working here as a janitor.” “Lemme tell ya about Scagway, Pim. It all started more than 400 years ago!”

Chapter 1 Caribou Lou and his Scagliferous Adventure
Caribou Lou was sitting at his desk in his office at Caribou Cigarettes LLC. smoking and resting his eyes listening to Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”. He was imagining himself in the 80’s wearing a really big 80’s coat with his collar popped, dancing down a sidewalk in New York City. There were crowds of 80’s people following him simply in

awe of his magnificence. His cigarette, in his dream, had dislodged from his lips and was, in fact, Eddie Murphy in a cigarette costume, who began dancing alongside Lou. Lou now had a fresh new cig lit and was about to really step it up, but he was interrupted. “Sir, call on line 2…” said his secretary’s voice on the intercom. “Huh, who is it Phyllis?” he asked. “Its Karen…sir, and the President of Scagway is on line 2.” “Karen?” he puffed on his cig and ruminated at his quandary, “Phyllis dead…?” “No, sir, there has never been a Phyllis here, ever.” She was quite curt in her statement which, to Lou, was a little off putting. “Karen?” he asked “Sir, I believe the gentleman on line 2 is waiting.” “That scag is no gentleman, first off!” He was now irritated “And second, if there was never a Phyllis in this office then who have I been cutting a check for the past two years?” “Sir, I have no clue, I am going back to work now. Please, only buzz me again for something important.” She turned her intercom off. “Bitch, I miss Phyllis…” Lou looked at his phone which, he had just realized was not a phone at all, but an empty coffee can that was a bit rusty inside. “The hell…Phyllis!” He yelled, but nobody came into his office. His actual phone continued beeping due to the president still waiting. “Phyllis!” He roared again. Karen burst through his door and went straight to his real phone and picked it up and answered it. “I’m sorry Mr. Saunders, my boss’s phone was malfunctioning, here he is.” She shoved the phone into Lou’s hands and stormed off slamming the door to the office. “Kip?” Lou asked. “Lou?”

“Oh, hey man listen I’m really not interested in joining your religion because…well I…” “Lou what the hell are you talking about I’m from Scagway Industries. I’m calling with regards to the possible business deal we talked about briefly a few months back.” “Right…” “Look, why don’t we meet up at Scrimshaw’s down on West 54th and 5th Street?” “A’ight.” “Good I’ll see you there today at two.” “ssa’ight.” “…bye” Kip hung up the phone. Caribou was looking at the phone with suspicion. He held it in front of his face and gave it a quizzical look by furrowing his brow. He was in deep thought now. Big things were brewing inside his mind things too ponderous for the average person to handle on their own. Then it hit him. “Ow!” he yelled. He was rubbing the right side of his face which was bright red from the stapler that was thrown at him. He looked up and saw it was Phyllis. “Phyllis!” he continued rubbing his cheek and moving his jaw around. “You…you’re alive?” “You asshole what kind of question is that and where the hell have you been?” She stood there in a big red coat that was covered in dust and with her hands placed on her hips. Her long red curly hair had dust and other miscellaneous fibers in it. “I’ve been through a lot...the war…screws up my…” she cut him off mid sentence “Look you cheap piece of shit when you take a gorgeous model like me out to dinner and then to your apartment you’re supposed to show me a good time.” “Looks like I did.” “Yeah not exactly when that crazy millipede thing came crashing into the apartment screaming about Alpaca 9 this and Hertzle Kraft that and

god knows what else and then you just leave me there without even acknowledging my existence!” “So…why are you here?” “Ugh...look I must’ve dropped my keys in your apartment, which by the way is in rubble because of that monster-ish bug.” Lou stared at her and then heaved a sigh. “Alright once I get back to my place I’ll give you a call when I find them.” “Uh, no you are coming with me back to your place to find my keys now.” She started to turn as red as her coat. “Look babe I got a meeting with the head of Scagway in an hour, now if you’d like to grab a bite to eat before we go back to my place then that’s fine but I can’t miss this meeting.” “Fine whatever just hurry the fuck up.” She went over to the couch in his office and sat down. “His name is Mort, by the way” said Lou “Who?” she said agitated “The millipede” “Yeah in case you haven’t noticed I could care less, because if I did I’d ask the obvious question of why there was a giant millipede bursting into your apartment last night.” “Well if you want to know...” “I don’t now hurry up.” “A’ight.” “Ugh…”

Chapter 2 Who Brought the Penguin?
Twenty minutes later… Caribou Lou was sitting at Scrimshaw’s with Phyllis, who was still wearing her ratty red coat. Scrimshaw’s was a small, and elegant

restaurant with rich cherry wood finish. There are no booths, only round tables made of frosted glass and wrought iron chairs. “This place is a very chic place, huh?” He asked. “Well where is he?” she asked annoyed fingering the bread basket. “Dunno.” He replied and a cig slid out from his lips. “Have you been living in a rock for the past five years you can’t smoke in here?” She said tearing into a breadstick. “I have no control over whether I smoke or not.” “I’m sure.” She rolled her eyes and scanned for the waiter. “So, I forget what magazine do you model for?” he asked “Excuse me sir, but you are not allowed to smoke in this or any restaurant.” Said the waiter when he came up to their table. “No, excuse me siram, but I cannot put out this cig just yet I need to smoke its story first, then I can put it out!” Said an annoyed Caribou The waiter looked at him then Phyllis and was about to ask her if he could get Lou to put it out, but she interrupted him before he could speak. “Can you bring me a Pinot Grigio and this bread seems stale can you bring another basket, thanks.” The waiter was about to say something, but just turned away and walked back to the kitchen. Kip Saunders finally arrived and saw Lou and a beautiful woman sitting at a table. “Hey, Lou, I thought I told you over the phone that there’s no need for hookers?” Said Kip as he slapped the back of Lou and looked at Phyllis. “Why because you’re a faggot?” she said looking up at Kip in his blue business suit and red tie. “Touché” Kip took a seat next to Phyllis and coughed and gagged. “Ugh, whoever is smoking in here should be thrown out.” “That would be your new found friend here” said Phyllis

The waiter arrived and set down Phyllis’s glass of wine and bread basket. “Sir, again if you don’t extinguish that cigarette I will get the manager and have him remove you from this restaurant.” Lou took one last puff and put it out in his hand “There ya go.” “Thank you, now what will you have?” The waiter took their order and Lou and Kip got down to business. “So what exactly does your business handle Kip?” “It’s complicated, but in a nutshell its coffee” “How is that complicated?” Asked Phyllis as she drank her wine. “I suppose you are right, it isn’t.” Kip scowled at Phyllis. “Lou, I have been looking for a business partner and seeing the success of your own company you look to be a perfect candidate.” “Success?” Phyllis blurted out while spilling her wine on the man sitting at the table next to her. “Have you seen his lobby? It doesn’t even have a receptionist.” “I do too!” exclaimed Lou. “Yeah, a cardboard cutout of a nice young brunette giving a friendly wave.” Phyllis mockingly gave a wave and a big fake smile. “A brunette huh? What’s her name?” Said a voice from behind where Kip was sitting. The three of them happened upon a penguin with a top hat and monocle, who had been eavesdropping on their conversation. He was twiddling his flippers quite ecstatically and was letting out high pitched whinnies. “Get the hell away you damn penguin!” yelled Phyllis as she got up and shooed the penguin away. “Millipede!!!” Screamed a woman at the table in front of the restaurant’s front window. Suddenly the restaurant was met with a devastating and crushing force that was supplied by a giant-sized millipede. “Holy crap its Mort!” Said Lou. The restaurant continued its crumbling and fast paced destruction and implosion. When the dust settled and the place was finally stabilized Mort the Millipede was laying motionless with his head in the kitchen of the restaurant. Lou was on

the floor covered in dust and bread. Kip was in his chair but lying on the floor and Phyllis was knocked out cold by the Chianti bottle that was flung at her head when table 4 was knocked into by Mort’s entrance. Lou started getting up slowly and moaning about a breadstick working its way down his pants. “Goddamn gay bread stick!” he grabbed it and flung it across the room which if it still had a front façade would’ve hit the window but instead landed outside on the sidewalk which a hungry old bum would’ve grabbed had not Mort the giant-sized millipede completely killed when he crashed into the establishment. “Uhhhnnn…Mor…Mort-tah…Mort you alright buddy?” Asked a dazed Lou, but no reply was given. “Crap man what in the hell happened to you?” Still no answer was given. “Mort!” screamed Lou who staggered over to Mort’s millipede-esque body. “Goddam narrator it’s not millipedeesque he is a millipede he’s just giant-sized not fun sized like all the other millipedes.” Said Lou who hugged Mort’s motionless body. Other people in the restaurant were just now regaining consciousness and helping out their loved ones or co-workers. Kip finally got up from his chair and went over to Phyllis and checked her pulse. “Hey Lou I think she’s unconscious we need to get her to a hospital and quick!” “Dammit Kip don’t you see Mort’s dead!” Lou cried over the dead body of a humongous millipede. “If he was alive now we could’ve gotten on him with Phyllis all knocked out and taken her to the hospital, but now he’s dead!” Lou continued to cry. Kip picked Phyllis up and threw her over his shoulder, unfortunately he used so much force to put her over his shoulder that she ended up sliding off and onto the floor again. Kip fell forward with his face in the bread basket.

Chapter 3 Don’t Worry Everything’s Fine…
Hours later… Kip and Phyllis had gone to the hospital along with others who were injured in the bizarre accident at the restaurant. Caribou and Mort had literally vanished gradually in front of everyone at the restaurant that was still conscious.

Chapter 4 If Heaven had an Abortion Clinic
Elsewhere… Caribou was still hugging the giant millipede’s body sobbing gently into its slippery brown husk. When he had stopped crying he got off of Mort and wiped his eyes dry. He looked around and noticed he was no longer at the destroyed Scrimshaw’s. “Huh?” he said surprised. He noticed large tusks of various beasts littering the ground, which was wet and slightly muddy. He looked up at the grayish sky and was startled when he saw a giant face in the sky. It consisted soley of a pair of large blueish-green eyes and large lush ruby red lips. The lips were moving as if it was talking, but no sound was heard. The eyes occasionally would give an angered look as if it didn’t like to be ignored by Lou not answering, or at least that’s the impression he was given. All in all he was scared shitless and did not know where he was. Mort’s body was still motionless and the surrounding area was pretty desolate. The area was pretty barren although Lou could see the outline of a forest in the distance and what faintly looked like smoke stacks. “The hell is this crap?” Said Lou, who lit a new cig. He looked back at the face that continued on talking without sound and, periodically, giving angered looks to Lou. “Speak up asshole!” He yelled at it and seemed to get an answer he didn’t expect. “…” There was no response. Not even an angered look. Instead the face was giving a very terrified look and whose lips were trembling a bit. “Jesus…look dude whatever the hell you are please just tell me how to leave this abhorrent place, ok?” He said and turned around to look at Mort expecting no response from the sky face anyway, other than stupid looks. “You won’t be able to hear him, mister?” Came a deep calming voice from nearby. “Huh?” asked Lou who turned around to look back face to face with a giant clam.

“Hello.” Said the Clam “Who the hell are you?” Asked Lou whose cigarette committed suicide by burning away to ashes onto the reddish-brown ground. “Name’s Clem.” Said the Clam whose shell opened and closed as it spoke with its grotesque tongue darting to and fro as it stared at Lou. “I’m Caribou Lou, where am I?” “You are where all unexpected creations of nature come to…well…die.” Caribou looked back to where he saw the face in the sky was babbling silently and most likely incoherently if anyone could hear him; if it was a ‘he’. “What’s up with the face in the sky?” He asked as he lit up a new cig. “Oh, that’s Skyface Sam he kinda runs the place.” “Runs the place?” “Well sort of, anyway, you see when there is a life born in any reality or place in time and it doesn’t meet the requirements of its specific time and place, well then it is shipped here or zapped here.” Clem’s tongue was very glossy looking and sticky which had Caribou mesmerized. “So how did I end up here? Is nature having a late-term abortion of me?” Lou took a long drag from his cig and tried to relax by sitting Indian-style on the ground next to his new giant friend. “Well I am no expert, but it appears you wound up here because of Mort. Strange thing is giant-millipedes rarely end up here.” “How would you know?” “Well I work for Skyface Sam and he gives me these lists of creatures, beings, animals, etc. who are supposed to end up here. There are also lists of those that are not supposed to end up here until much later. Mort and other such giant millipedes are usually ok and thus are not sent here, but I have seen some remains of other such millipedes beyond the forest.” Caribou was trying his cell phone, but had no luck when Clem finished his brief explanation. “So what are you saying exactly?”

“Well it would seem this place doesn’t strictly go by the lists all the time, we receive from time to time individuals who seem to have broken one of the laws of the universe.” Lou was looking at Skyface’s big red lips as they mesmerizingly moved up and down. “So, basically someone or something is sending these “aborted creatures” as a form of punishment?” “More like a death sentence.” “They die here?” “Oh, yeah!” said Clem quite emphatically, so much so that he seemed, to Lou, to have jumped off the ground an inch. “How many?” “What do you mean how many?” “Certainly not everyone dies here.” “Oh, yes they certainly do! Why else would this place exist?” “Is this like Hell?” “No, we don’t normally take in the deceased since that would defeat our purpose.” “Which is what exactly?” “In order to keep a right and beautiful presentation of all life everywhere it exists.” “Bullshit, then why are there ugly people where I am and people like the tree man on TLC?” “You misunderstand me. We only receive those that do not fit in with the overall structure of natures everywhere. For example, Mort the millipede and other like-sized millipedes do not live on your Earth, they live in multiple realities and dimensions.” “Well Mort wasn’t a native no, but him and others have begun appearing on my planet.” “Well that’s odd. But then again I have been noticing a lot of mixups of this sort elsewhere according to Skyface Sam.” “I thought he can’t be heard.”

“You just need to be able to read lips is all.” “But you have no eyes.” “Yes, I do silly look harder.” Lou squinted at Clem and was about to give up when he noticed a crude drawing of eyes on his upper shell in what looked to be black crayon. “Aren’t they just gorgeous!” Said Clem with a yelp and a bounce. “Lovely, say how can I get out of here?” “Normally, you can’t, but there is a way out, technically.” “Which is?” Lou stood up and wiped the dirt off the rear-end of his pants. “Well, I don’t know really I just remember Skyface Sam mentioning it one day.” “So ask him for me so I can get the hell out of here!” Lou was agitated, the place was giving him the creeps especially, the lack of any wind or noises usually made by insects and birds. “Why should I do you any favors? Besides, I’m usually all by myself aside from Skyface Sam; it’s nice to have someone new to talk to.” “Fine be an ass.” Said Lou begrudgingly and sat back down on the ground and started another smoke. “…” Clem just stood there moving his tongue back and forth. After a few hours passed Clem had rolled away and left Lou by himself napping. Lou awoke to see Clem had not returned. “Friggin giant clam.” Lou got up and surveyed the landscape again and saw that the forest to the North was the only thing of interest, everything else was just flat barren land for miles. He took another glance at Skyface and flipped him the bird, but didn’t get any emotion out of him, or her. “Alright, then I guess I’m walkin.” Lou began walking, he hated to walk, especially when it was to somewhere uninteresting and unknown, but the unknown made it kind of sexy too, which intrigued him a bit in a naughty way. A couple of hours seemed to have past, but Lou had noticed the lack of a sun in the sky. He had no idea how there was light but figured that it logical since this place made no sense anyway what difference did it make that the light source was mysterious as well?

The forest was still another mile and a half away from where Lou stood. He looked at the two smoke stacks that were jutting out of the forest’s center. Odd that there would be a factory there, he thought. He looked around to see if Clem was around, but saw no one other than Skyface Sam. He trudged onward. Lou finally made it to the forest’s edge and was bummed when he noticed there wasn’t an entrance or path of any sort. He took another glance behind him, seeing no one he entered the forest. The forest was your typical jungle forest. It reminded him of Vietnam. I wish I had my 9mm, he thought. He remembered he gave his trusty automatic to his best friend Raban McCarol. When he had returned home he had given Raban his life saving weapon to Raban, making him promise never to return it to him again. Despite its reputation of life-saving it had also gunned down a few Vietnamese while Lou served in the US armed forces. It was also the gun that saved him from several binds including the one that inadvertently saved Raban’s life. But that was a set of memories far too distant for Lou to recall while he was on a mission to get his ass out of another hell hole. I must’ve walked fifteen miles already what gives, he thought to himself. Lou rested up against a gnarled tree whose roots seemed to have formed a bench, which Lou sat on. He wiped the sweat from his forehead. “Odd it was quite comfortable outside the forest, yet it is hot as balls inside.” He looked around and saw nothing but endless trees and other brush. “Where the hell are those chimneys?” He asked aloud. “Chimneys? Everyone in their right mind goes away from em not towards em.” Said a booming voice. Lou twirled around facing the tree’s trunk he sat in front of but did not see a face he was expecting to see. “God, don’t tell me I’m hallucinating now.” He rubbed his hands on his face feeling desperate and hungry. “Yo, down here jerk off” said the voice again only this time Lou detected a hint of a New York accent from the voice. “Who said that?” he asked looking around with no luck. “Shithead I’m down here.” Lou looked down and sure enough he saw a snail with a miniature yankees baseball cap on. “Hello, who are you?” He asked “Name’s Dominick, but my friends call me Dom, Dom ‘Spaghetti’ Scietti.” He bowed his little snail head. “Nice meetin’ ya Dom the name’s Lou, Caribou Lou. I seem to have arrived by accident while.” Lou coughed. “While I was hugging my departed giant-sized millipede Mort. Know of a way outta here, Dom? “You, gay?” Asked Dom.

“Uh, no. Why.” “Just askin’. Anyway there is a way outta here, but it ain’t gonna be easy, believe me.” Dom chuckled. “’Scuse me, but not many make it out that way and it is kinda funny.” “I don’t care what I have to do I just wanna leave.” “What’s in it fa me?” Dom asked. “The thought you helped a poor guy out.” Said lou. “That’s a good one pal. Seriously though I like that watch you’re wearin.” “I’m not wearing a watch.” “Oh pardon me I meant I really like the watch that fat cat bastard Jume Jume is wearing.” “I’m sorry who?” “You know, Jume Jume the friggin guy who runs the crematorium.” “Crematorium?” “Jeez guy do I have to explain everythin to ya. The crematorium, ya know those smoke stacks you were talkin bout well those are from the crematorium in the center of this here forest. It is meticulously run by Jume Jume the jelly bean lookin guy who works for Skyface Sam after he went schizo.” “I thought Clem worked for Skyface Sam.” “Yeah, he’s a sonnabitch here. Clem is or was his after he refused to wash prisoner draw on for him “Prisoners?” “Yeah you know the poor saps like yourself who don’t “fit in” to your corresponding reality and are zapped here by god knows who.” “Clem told me something like that already. Nature’s aborting ground.” “Clem don’t know shit. This is a killing field my friend. They annihilate millions on a monthly basis. And we are not talking about too, but Jume Jume is the number 1 guy around lieutenant until Jume Jume fired his dumbass out those ridiculous eyes he had some with a damn crayon. What a dumbass.”

simply nature’s rejects, besides does that really sound like a logical reason for killing someone, because they don’t “fit in”?” Lou ruminated on what Dom just told him. He could’ve cared less a minute ago based on what Clem had told him, but now this was a different story, a story he knew all too well. He feared this would happen on Earth, which he knew was or has been experiencing changes or fluxes in reality. He experienced it first hand in Nam and was forever changed by it. He didn’t think of Clem’s story in depth enough, but now with Dom’s story, he knew his new mission was to stop what was going on here.

Chapter 5 Illegitimate Child Be Damned!
(Much later after Caribou’s little stint in the previous chapter. In our reality it’s only been a couple of hours and is now evening, 11:47pm to be exact.) Caribou was surprisingly thrown back into Grabbledaw’s, except there was something different about it. There was a giant half man half horse sitting at a table sipping at a glass of red wine. This man was not to be confused with a centaur from fables of yore, but rather a lower half of a human body and an upper half of a horse’s body. Basically, this man had a Horse’s head. He looked around and saw the restaurant was still destroyed and it was night outside. The horseman looked at Lou and huffed. “You must’ve pissed off Skyface Sam.” Said the horseman. “Who are you and how did you know about Skyface?” “My name is Diordio and I guess you could say I am a creature of mishap.” “Shouldn’t you be back there getting aborted or whatever?” “Funny. Unfortunately, there is little time for quick wit, fine wine and discussions on great literature. Caribou, I knew Mort well and he told me to come find you if something were ever to happen to him. Now that Mort’s dead, I am here to give you info on what Mort was doing that got him killed.” Diordio gave Lou a keen look and opened his mouth to talk again, but his face contorted and his mouth opened wider while he produced a loud farting noise that continued, embarrassingly, for at least 5 minutes.

“Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?” Asked Lou, who covered up his nose. “Uhnnnnn…” Diordio fell onto the floor and apparently died. “Poor guy must’ve had the clams casino.” Said a familiar voice. Lou looked over to the gaping hole that was the front of Grabbledaws and saw a man he’d hoped he’d never see again. “Calico.” Said Lou “Hello Lou.” “What are you doing here?” “Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m the one who killed Diordio with my trusty poison dart gun.” “People actually use those lame things?” “Yes, they do” “Why didn’t you just blow him away with a real gun.” “Its quieter.” “Yeah, but there is no lame factor involved with a .45” “Whatever, anyway, I was also the one who killed Mort.” “So, who cares?” “Because, Dad, whatever I can do to make your life a living hell is my purpose.” “First off, I ain’t your pop and second, even if you did those things I wouldn’t care much, as long as, I got my cigs.” Said Lou, who had another new cig slide out from his lips just in the nick of coincidental time. “First off, the blood test says otherwise, and second, once I get control of your company, I will destroy your fabled source of cigarettes.” “Look, her to out. I I told Calico, your mother gave you up for adoption even though I told abort you, and when she decided to have you, I told her I was didn’t want anything to do with a kid. Even after you found me you this, yet you continue following me.”

“Who says those things to your own son, jackass?” “Well, it’s the truth and stop trying to guilt me, because even though I knocked her up doesn’t mean I am somehow automatically supposed to be your father. Not to mention the fact you should be hounding her for giving birth to you then abandoning you.” “I would’ve, but she died a few years after I was born. So you are the only family I have left.” “Don’t gimme that crap you have your real family, the ones who adopted you.” “You know this is why I hate you so much. That family who adopted me were horrible. I mean they lived in a mobile home with ten cats how is it that they were given the rights to adopt children? My foster father was a douche who drank and pissed away his life and my foster mother was a slut who did all the dudes in the mobile home park and died from god knows what.” “Yeah, I know it sucked and I feel for ya kid, but look at you now you got your own business and you’re successful what’s your beef?” “You! How the hell can you not care?” “Why should I? I have fought and lived through real horrors, Calico, in Nam and to listen to your story and to have to feel shame and guilt is ridiculous. I had no control over that crap.” “You’re a real piece of work…”Calico said and turned his back on his biological father and left through the large gaping hole. Lou said nothing and thought he had handled the whole conversation horribly. He felt shame and resentment, feelings he thought he had long lost.

Chapter 6 Raban McCarol and his trusty 9mm
Raban McCarol was sitting in his favorite old chair in the Florida room of his home in Cape May, New Jersey. He never understood why it was called a Florida room, especially since he was currently watching, through the window, snow fall on the ground. The room was

long and narrow with windows lining the walls. The floor was made of blue stonework and filled with wicker furniture, except the chair he occupied. It was plushy, soft, pillowy, and oh so comfortable blue chair that he loved to sit in and just watch nature do its myriad duties that gave him pleasure. He sipped, from his large Special Forces mug, green tea that was now, unfortunately, lukewarm. His wife, Laura, was in the living room with her friends having their weekly book club meeting. His wife was very happy these days now that he was no longer in Special Forces. He, too, was happy, but was saddened by the fact that he did not and could not let her in on the truth that he was now the captain and co-creator of the mercenary group, the Alpaca 9. The Alpaca 9, a lethal mercenary group, whose demand has skyrocketed since their actions in the Congo, Myanmar and Turkmenistan have demonstrated their incredible ability to eliminate their targets with utmost discretion. The idea to form the group was his, originally, after his time in the military and his service in Afghanistan. He wanted to continue serving his country, but without politics encumbering his ability to do what was necessary to get the job done. That is what he believed then and that is what influenced his decision to leave the military all together. Now, though, after three years running the Alpaca 9 he has begun to have doubts of its future success and in the foundation of the group’s ideology that forges the men’s resolve and directs them to their new missions. He cannot decide whether or not to leave it all behind and live a quieter and safer life with his lovely wife. That is what has been gnawing at him for several weeks now since he returned from Virginia and what is now on his mind as he tries to relax in his own home. Tysons Corner, Virginia Raban was waiting for Colonel Jack Hansen at the Ritz-Carlton. He was in the lobby admiring a painting of an older gentleman on a white horse surrounded by fox-hounds. “Didn’t know you liked art.” Said Jack who patted his back as he came up behind him. “Laura is the cultured one, but her dragging me to museums and ballets and other high society events are having an effect.” He grinned. “How are you Jack?” He asked extending his right hand. “Not bad and yourself?” He grasped Raban’s right hand and gave a firm hearty shake. Raban eyed his old friend whose hair had thinned much since they last saw each other over a year ago. His face seemed tired; a little more

wrinkles by the corner of the eyes, and the lips, the demeanor of his whole self seemed run down and somewhat dejected. He returned the firmness of his friends hand shake and replied, “I was doing much better until I received your e-mail.” Jack smiled and released his hand from their friendly gesture and placed it slowly by his right side. “I apologize I did not call instead.” His memory was interrupted by his wife. “OK, they’re all gone.” “Anything interesting?” he asked as he slowly came back out of his remembrance. “Huh? Oh, the club! No, not really. The girls didn’t care much for the Alchemist.” She said as she sat on his lap and flicked her hazelnut hair to the side. “See any good looking birds today?” she knew he hadn’t because if he had he would’ve come barging in on her meeting to tell her. “Why do you get excited when you see certain birds?” she chuckled “I dunno I suppose it was when I was younger in basic training and I had seen this yellow bird as vivid as a sun flower. I had seen them before in my days as a child playing outside, but never had given much attention to them. It wasn’t until I was away from home, knowing I would be sent abroad that I came to appreciate them.” He stared out the window imagining a goldfinch appearing before him, being the same as the one he had seen when he was in Basic. “I love you.” She said and hugged him. “I love you, too” He hugged her back and smelled the sweet scent of her hair.

Chapter 7 Alpaca 9
Caribou Lou called Raban on his cell phone. “C’mon pickup you jackass.” He muttered to himself. Raban picked up the call hesitantly. “Hello?” “Raban it’s Lou you got a minute?” “Sure, what’s up?”

“I need you to activate Alpaca 9.” “Jesus…what for?” “Big things are brewing…I need you guys to infiltrate Hertzle Kraft’s new corporate headquarters in Maryland.” “Hertzle Kraft…your son’s…” “He is not my son, ok?!. Anyway, he is getting too close to my operations.” “How so?” “Yesterday at 10:15am there was an infiltration of the research lab at Scagway’s main research facility in Argentina. All guards were killed and they stole vital information.” “Scagway? So you are working for them after all?” “For now, Kip seems to be on the up and up so I partnered with him a month ago. Listen I want you to go to site that was broken into and do a sweep of it first.” “What for?” “Kip seemed hesitant on telling me there was a break in to begin with and I am a bit suspicious of the intent on the place itself.” “What made you think it was Hertzle Kraft?” “We have been intercepting their communications and there have been other credible sources that lead us to that conclusion.” “OK, so are you going to send me the mission briefing via our usual contact point?” “No, I don’t want to risk it. Just get the team assembled and ready to go I will send you the info by a new method.” “Alright talk to you later.” Raban hung up.

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