You are on page 1of 1

I need a faux fuck buddy.

Help me exact my revenge on my loud-sex-having-yet-

sharing-a-common-wall roommates. I’d kick their asses, but well, I’m small and
more importantly I need their rent money. I believe this is how Mahatma Ghandi got

Anyway, last night was typical of the past few weeks...was awoken around 1:00 a.m.
(I get up at 6) by the sound of what, in my half asleep state, sounded like some
sort of bomb about to go off in my closet. Not long after this split second of
subliminally injected Code Orange Terror (and I’m politically somewhere left of a
bed wetting liberal—thanks G.W.) I realized that some serious primal fucking was
going on. I also realized that the most exciting thing going on in my room was
that I finally got a space heater—sweet! But definitely not sexy.

When they were finally finished they turned on their television which happened to
be airing a WWII documentary. I never ever thought the sounds of a country being
decimated by bombing and heavy artillery shelling would be soothing music to my
ears, but at least I did not have to listen to Churchill yelling, “Oh yeah, oh
baby, look at you now!" I finally fell asleep somewhere around V-E Day.

So, I need someone, male or female, to come hang out with me in my room and
simulate the sound of two people having wild sex. This does not have to be
constant, after all I’m aiming for something realistic, so in between our bouts of
faux fucking we can watch a movie, have a beer, do each others nails and warm
ourselves by the space heater.