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Protect This House

(Al-Adab-Al-Mufrad)
By Shaykh Abu Eesa Niamatullah

Every human makes mistakes. We were created to make mistakes. The Prophet (SAW) has said that those who repent after making mistakes are the best of people. Adversity is what makes people. Islam is the single most divine religion as the Quran does not mention anything regarding hatred. Your biggest enemy is your own self. Allah (SWT) warns us in the Quran about our own selves, and this is followed by the consequences of our actions. Mistakes are part of getting back up.

The wise one is not who learns from his own mistakes; he is one who learns from others mistakes. Taqwa actually means God consciousness.
You should learn before you lead! Many of the leaders (especially those people who give dawah) don’t listen to the advice they give to others and tell people to maintain the ties of kinship but don’t even spend enough time with their own families. It is a prominent trade in Eastern culture that children hold a very high level of respect for their parents. However, it is not even religious for them, it is cultural! Shariah makes it an obligation to respect your parents. In the Quran, Allah (SWT) says to the Prophet (SAW): “Do what is beautiful. Allah (SWT) loves those who do what is beautiful.” (Al-Baqarah-195) In the deepest sense, adab is quite literally, beautiful being and beautiful feeling and beautiful thinking-expressing ourselves through beautiful action.  Adab designates a wide range of social and ethical virtues, like good manners, discretion, and grace, indulgence towards friends, refined taste, courage, erudition and literary skill.  Adab, thus, is education and upbringing, high moral principles and correct behaviour, scholarship and knowledge, all at once.  Adab is to know how to speak correctly and act correctly, at the right time and place. A lack of adab brings down the entire structure. So adab is actually more than just being ‘respectful’ (as suggested by Asian languages) and is closer to ‘a complete code of conduct and moral behaviour which determines our every action in this world.’ It is noted that Bukhari was the only person to put a collection together about this topic!

A hadith was narrated by Ahmad about the Prophet (SAW), ‘I was only sent to perfect good manners.’ This states that the Prophet (SAW) was only sent to perfect the good manners of people, which implies that non-Muslims before the time of the Prophet (SAW) already possessed good manners, but some could do with refinement. Islamic adab claims to be able to offer the human being to combine all that which is praiseworthy from all sources and give it the divine signature of authenticity. More specifically for the Muslims, adab becomes that vital key and component to worshipping Allah (SWT) correctly. Ibn al-Mubarak (RA) said, ‘If someone was to describe a man to me who had all the knowledge of the early and the last, I would not be sad if I missed out on meeting him, yet if it was a man who had achieved full adab, I would strive to meet him and would be dismayed if I missed him.’ He also said, ‘I sought knowledge and was able to gain some, yet I tried to learn adab and found that its people had passed away.’ Adab is paramount to learning our religion. In fact the Salaf would never take a narration or some knowledge from anyone whose adab was not up to standard. Ibrahim al-Nakha’ī said, ‘If we were to take some ‘ilm (knowledge) from a man, we’d look at his manner, his prayer and his general conduct before we took from him.’ Some added, ‘We would see how he treated his parents first…’

The Muslims were the first set of people to initiate a system for accurate & valid information (quality control) as compared to the overload of information we get these days from the internet. Marriage is an institution which you realise is not just about love. We lack the level of patience these days compared to that of our parents’ lives. A man is on the religion of his friends.
The story of Atika: Atika was the daughter of Zaid bin Amr bin Naufal. Zaid was the uncle of the Umar (RA). Atika was thus a cousin of Umar (RA). In Madina, Atika was married to Abdullah the son of Abu Bakr (RA). She was very beautiful and Abdullah was much enamoured of her. He was so lost in her love that he failed to participate in the various expeditions undertaken by the Muslims. He even neglected to offer his prayers in the mosque.

He would neither eat nor drink. When Abu Bakr (RA) came to know that Abdullah had not taken part in the various expeditions and had even neglected his prayers. Abdullah divorcing Atika became the subject of conversation in Medina. order their books on ahadith in a similar way to the Quran. and Abu Bakr (RA) decreed that Abdullah should divorce Atika within three days. whereas adab is more of a physical thing. Abdullah felt that Atika was the most valuable thing in the world. When the Holy Prophet (SAW) came to know of the matter. Ismā’īl b. On second thought he felt that the command of his father should be obeyed whatever the cost. Mughīrah b. therefore the last hadith from Bukhari is the most powerful. In all the campaigns that were undertaken by the Holy Prophet (SAW) thereafter. The scholars. After three days Abdullah did divorced Atika. related to the khilqa (natural pure state). he felt sympathy for Abdullah. Abu Bakr (RA) was left enraged and told his son in plain words that his failings and shortcomings were too grave to be passed over. His childhood and early years:  Started studying with local scholars at the mere age of 10  He went for Hajj at the age of 16 and remained in Hijaz to study (with permission from his mother) . Abdullah placed himself at the mercy of his father. There are exactly 100 hadiths directed on parents by Imam alBukhari. In the battle of Taif. as a result of the wounds.The love of Abdullah and Atika became proverbial. and fought valiantly. following the example of Allah (SWT). and the two lovers were reunited. 194 AH in the city of Bukhāra after the Jumu’ah prayer. Khuluq is more innate. Abdullah was very particular thereafter to ensure that the love for Atika did not stand in the way of his duty to Allah (SWT). Abdullah was wounded and later died. The Holy Prophet (SAW) revoked the divorce. in Madina. he put him to questioning. Bukhari’s last hadith regarding parents is about mercy. The reality was that he was so overwhelmed by the love of Atika that he could not attend to other vital duties. Bardizbah al -Ju’fī al-Bukhāri His birth: 13th of Shawwāl. Abdullah had no explanation to offer. Background information regarding Imam al-Bukhari His name: Abu ‘Abdullah Muhammad b. Abdullah was torn between two minds. Abdullah took part therein. How do adab and khuluq differ? Many words mean the exact same thing in Arabic except when you put them into the same sentence. Yet this decision made Abdullah deranged. Ibrahīm b. At times he thought that he should be faithful to his love. it is a natural type of response. He sobbed and sighed and sang heart rending verses giving expression to his great grief over the loss of his beloved.

080 scholars  Ibn Hajr categorizes them into 5 main categories. al-Madīni . Ma’īn . So he orated one thousand ahadith from one thousand Shaykhs  ‘I memorized 100 000 authentic ahadith and 200 000 weak ones’ His beliefs:  One of the Imams of Ahl al-Sunna. his own Sahīh has multiple books proving theology of Ahl al-Sunna.’  Imām Ahmad b.’ . From them were the like of: .Abu Hātim . He authored his 1st book Qadāyah Al-Sahābah at the age of eighteen. Rāhwayh His students:  He narrated his Sahīh to over 90. ‘If we were to open the door (to recording) the words of praise for him from those who came after his time.Yahya b. Al-Subki considers him from the Shafites  However it is clear that he was from the Ahl al-Hadith school His teachers:  He says that he narrates from more than 1.‘Ali b. ‘Khurasan (his place of origin) has never produced anything like Muhammad b.Imām Muslim . the pages would be exhausted… It is an ocean that has no boundaries. his theology is one of the foundations of Orthodox Islam  Wrote works on theology (Khalq Af’āl al-‘Ībād).Abu Bakr b.Ibn Khuzaymah . followed by alTarikh al-Kabir. Hanbal said. He then travelled to Baghdad and met Imam Ahmad and studied with him His memory:  Ibn Katheer narrates that he was able to look at a page once and memorize it  Once he went to Balkh and the inhabitants desired that he should recite one Hadith from each of his shaykhs. Abi al-Dunya .Al-Nasa’i . None of the ‘Six Books’ has more theology benefits than his-also since he was challenged in theology he had to explain in detail what he believed. Ismā’īl (al-Bukhāri).Al-Marwazi Scholars’ praises for him:  Ibn Hajr said.Ishāq b.Ahmad b. His fiqh:  Qadhi Abu Ya’la considers him from the Hanabalites.Hanbal .Al-Tirmidhi .000 students  From them were the likes of: .

he became ill. (Refer to map in booklet) During one journey to Samarqand. from Madina to Kufa. what does it mean? Mufrad = Farid = Unique The unique/independent/separate book on Adab Al-Adab al-Mufrad Hadith on Parents Bukhāri starts his book by naming his title of the first chapter with Allah (SWT)’s statement on obeying parents because naturally we have been commanded to submit to Allah (SWT)’s tawhīd. something for which he travelled the entire Islamic world from Egypt to Basra.’ Here. al-Aswat.Al-Adab al-Mufrad . some are still preserved.Kitāb al-‘Ilal .’ His writings: His total writings come out close to 21.’ After this invocation. Sometimes it is okay to use weaker narrations in the arena of adab and other areas which do not determine Islamic belief. al-Saghīr . worship Him. .e. Some of them were lost. master of the scholars of hadīth. it has become congested to me so I ask you to return me to you.Qadāya al-sahābah wa’l-tābi’īn His travels: Travelling was the key to his knowledge.Juz fī al-Qirā’a khalf al-Imām . less twelve days. and others merged into his Sahīh. He died on the night of Eid-ul-Fitr. accept His Lordship and acknowledge that our parents are the cause of our existence and thus enable us to fulfil our duties in this world! .Tārīkh al-Kabīr. the first night of Shawwāl in the year 256 AH. ‘Allow me to kiss your feet. you indicate its weakness As for the title.Juz fī Raf’ al-Yadayn . He had reached the age of 62 years. Imām Muslim once came to al-Bukhāri and kissed him between his eyes and said. and doctor of hidden defects in hadīth. he made the following invocation one night after the late night prayer: ‘O Allah (SWT) as vast as this earth is. he decided to stay at a village along the way called ‘Khartank.Khalq Af’āl al-‘Ibād . O teacher of teachers. i. ‘aqīdah and Islamic law. as long as the following conditions are met: -the hadith itself is not very weak -the hadith cannot bring in new information -when you narrate the hadith.

It could be different for many people (not everyone is the same) This is like the Prophet (SAW) focusing on women as they are usually not regarded in the same way as men.” He added. it’s ‘to treat them gently and courteously. Mas’ūd) said.At a certain time one action may be better than another (like jihad vs hajj) Both are important but when hajj is happening. to be righteous.openness (related to honesty) Birr’l wālidayn – Birr comes from the word Barra which means to be pious. ‘I asked the Prophet. Tabi’een .’” This hadith is authentic. “Prayer at its proper time. they gave us guidance.when it used by itself it means parent (even though technically it means father) Birra .’ Allah (SWT) says in the Holy Quran: . Walid . When we hear ‘the most beloved of actions. It also refers to a sense of obedience as described in the Arabic dictionaries. “Which action of Allah (SWT).’ how should we understand such a statement? . may Allah (SWT) bless him and grant him peace. These are the principles we use to live our life by however there is a little flexibility due to modernisation. If I had asked him to tell me more. a sense of acceptance due to the quality of the action. ‘He told me about these things.” I asked. “Then what?” He replied. is the most beloved to Him (SWT)?” He replied. “Then being good to the parents. .” “Then what?” I asked. striving to do all that which pleases them and avoiding all that which displeases them. Sahib – a person who has had a meeting with the Prophet (SAW) at least once before he dies.Hadīth 1: Abu ‘Amr al-Shaybāni said. or good. affectionate and considerate to someone especially kindred and parents. “Then jihād in the way of Allah (SWT). It conveys honesty and righteousness.a person who meets a companion of the Prophet (SAW) and dies a Muslim. They establish the principles of everything and made it clear for us. These people are referred to as the salaf. to be kind.the successors of the successors. “The owner of this house (and he pointed at the house of ‘Abdullāh b. . Atba’ ut tabi’een . He said. narrated by Bukhāri in his Sahīh. he would have told me more.Sometimes the term is used for exaggeration (allowed as it doesn’t involve lying) The most beloved of relationships is the relationship with your parents. but when used with parents. the Mighty and Exalted. jihad should be put behind.

‘Messenger of Allah (SWT). He was asked.’ he replied. ‘Uyaynah said in his tafsīr of this ayah: ‘The one who prays the five prayers has thanked Allah (SWT) and the one who makes du’a for his parents after these prayers has thanked them as well. Tarbiyyah is the job of parent’s and they spend their entire life doing it.’ (Bukhāri-1358) Can your birr repay your parent’s goodness to you? Despite what we often think. The importance of the parents and how they should be treated as stated by Allah (SWT) is beautiful: “Your Lord has commanded that you should worship none but Him. There is nothing Allah (SWT) loves more than Salah.’” This hadith is very authentic and has been narrated by Bukhāri in his sahīh.’ he replied. You are doing this tarbiyyah for the end result. to whom should I be dutiful?’ ‘Your mother.’” (Al-Isrā-23. and it takes two years to wean them. Give thanks to Me and to your parents-all will return to Me. Preserve and conserve-the whole process is enduring and takes takes time. ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother. Imām Sufyān b. Tarbiyyah means a huge amount of effort is made for a small return. .“We have commanded people to be good to their parents: their mothers carried them. “The Prophet (SAW) was asked. but speak to them respectfully and lower your wing in humility towards them in kindness and say. our birr is not sufficient enough to compensate their kindness. for your children to be brought up in the right way and reach their potential.’ he replied. He was asked. ‘Then whom?’ He replied. He was asked. The key word for tarbiyyah is patience. Christian or a Zoroastrian. Allah (SWT) has put Himself and your parents side by side. ‘Lord. ‘Your father. just as they cared for me when I was little. it is then the parents who will either make the child a Jew.” (Luqman-14) In this ayah. if either or both of them reach old age with you. in fact it is far less than that. Hadīth 5: Abu Hurayrah said. saying that we should thank both. and do not be harsh with them. looking for the long term. with strain upon strain. have mercy on them. say no word that shows impatience with them. ‘Then whom?’ ‘Your mother.34) There is a distinct difference between Ta’leem and Tarbiyyah. and that you be kind to your parents.’ Thanking Allah (SWT) is a practical thing. The Prophet (SAW) said in the hadith found in the Sahīhs Bukhāri and Muslim: ‘No child is born except that they are upon a pure innate nature.

Rasul'Allah (SAW). ‘I declare that there is no god but Allah (SWT) and that Muhammad (SAW) is His Servant and Messenger. ‘Why are you crying. I would go to a companions of the Prophet (SAW) and asked him about an ayah of the Quran and (stay with him) learning it so that he would take me with him to his house and give food. his mother said. Can you pray to Allah (SWT) for her to turn to Islam?’ The Prophet (SAW) prayed for Abu Hurayrah’s mother to accept Islam. ‘I asked her again today. he tried to convince his mother to do the same yet she refused each time. ‘I always invite my mother to Islam. neither should we. Abu Hurayrah?’ asked the Prophet (SAW). he again invited his mother to believe in Allah (SWT) and His Prophet (SAW).’ He got this nickname as it is reported he was very affectionate towards kittens when he was young. When Abu Hurayrah went inside.’ Abu Hurayrah again went to the Prophet (SAW) crying. She answered with some bad words about the Prophet (SAW). .’ Then she got dressed and told him he could enter. One day.’ Abu Hurayrah (RA) literally means ‘the father of kittens.’ he said. It’s the father who wants to be obeyed. ‘Wait a minute. Her value is priceless. A mother doesn’t want to be obeyed. He heard the splashing of water. ‘Allah (SWT) has answered your prayer and guided my mother to Islam. Abu Hurayrah (RA) underwent much hardship and difficulties as a result of his dedicated search for knowledge. but his mother said. Don’t come in yet. he found the door closed. Abu Hurayrah went to the Prophet (SAW) with tears in his eyes. He was often hungry and destitute. Combination of obedience and kindness is the explanation on the hadith about the heaven being beneath the feet of the mother. But she said some things about you that made me upset. if Allah (SWT) and his Messenger (SAW) have not given importance to a number.The top narrators each have over a 1000 hadith to their names (such as Aishah (RA) for example).’ said Abu Hurayrah. Abu Hurayrah remained kind and courteous to his mother even though she accepted Islam after him. ‘I have good news.’ Throughout his life. When Abu Hurayrah went home. she wants to be loved. but this time with tears of joy. and she always refuses. He tried to enter the house. compared to what a father usually does. However. How Abu Hurayrah’s mother accepted Islam: After he accepted Islam. Status of the Mother: Emphasis on mothers fits their 3:1 ratio of work and care and pain and tarbiyyah. He said about himself: ‘When I was afflicted with severe hunger.

so think of all the other things we say as part of ‘normal’ speech to our p arents! (you would never do such a thing if you were talking to royalty. also narrated by Imām Muslim in his Sahīh. more than she loves your father and more than your father loves you. Remember: Do not disrespect. some say this is enough and others disagree. or use hand movements whilst speaking to them. At the time (of freeing him) your father would be completely grateful to you. i. In other words. with kindness. If you (the father) were in that situation. - Hadīth 10: Abu Hurayrah (RA) said that the Prophet (SAW) said. the more reward you get for putting up with it. Another interpretation could be that it is very unlikely to find your father as a slave much less free him. ‘A child cannot repay his father unless he finds him as a slave and then buys him and sets him free. Your mother loves you more than she loves her own father. so you shouldn’t do the same to the king and queen in your life) Don’t shout or as they say. Allah (SWT) is happier with tawbah. Speak to them karīman. The principle of birr-ul-walidayn: Kindness to the mother and obedience to the father! . don’t reprimand them. The more hurtful your parents are towards you. you would forgive your son straight away and would want to just carry on with life. even the word ‘uff’ (which seems diminutive to us) is prohibited. and honour. This is similar to the hadith on tawbah.’ This hadith is authentic. The scholars actually differed on the idea of completely repaying your father.e. Imām al-Bukhāri is drawing our attention again to how we should always keep on our toes with regards to respecting out parent’s rights. gentleness. Your obedience to your father is not contingent with your father’s behaviour. Your obedience and obligation when your parents are asking you to do something that you do not agree with should be present only when it is something that concerns them. you can’t overlook this issue.The mother in law usually feels threatened that she might lose her son and that’s why she can be slightly mean to her daughter in law. like humans should be addressed.

Maintaining ties of kinship: It is derived from ‘rahim’ which means to have mercy on another. YOU have to sacrifice to protect this house and give up your rights. you will see results from others. tough. “A Bedouin came to the Prophet (SAW) whilst he was on a journey and asked. as a loving parent.’ He replied.’” This hadith is authentic and collected by Bukhāri and Muslim. . to be tender to him. fragile or powerful but they are probably the most uncomplicated love we will ever know For daughters. pay the alms-tax and maintain the ties of kinship. leaving him forever humbled by the unexplained miracles of life - Hadīth 49: On the authority of Abu Ayyūb al-Ansāri (RA) who said. he is touched by pure vulnerability for the first time in his adult life. to have compassion and so on. The prophet (SAW) stayed with Abu Ayyūb for a number of months until his own house was built virtually next door. establish the prayer. ‘Worship Allah (SWT) and do not associate anything with Him. Daddy is the first man they adore He is the first man to fall in love with us For sons. only the joy of that love could erase the overwhelming pain of chocking on unexpected raw emotion When a father holds his newborn baby. Daddy is the role model they first aspire to emulate …their mirror image of what will be and possibly the only man they will ever feel comfortable loving Daddy is the first man who held us. with a lump in this throat so huge. Remember: Dads are the solid foundation of our lives They are the shore we swim to when our arms and legs feel increasingly tired They are the strength we rely on as we take our first tentative steps into the world Dads can be tender. ‘Tell me what will bring me near to the Garden and keep me away from the Fire.Remember: it is not permissible to give advice/statements when you are extremely happy or very angry! Patience is controlling yourself in difficult circumstances. When YOU start it off. but he would still treat this house as his own.

’ So other than the parents. Therefore we discover that we must keep our family members happy and satisfied at all costs.We make Du’a for them and forgive them ourselves for their mistakes or spitefulness . uncles. we are introduced specifically to other members of the family on whom there is a duty upon us to maintain ties with. we ring them or communicate by every other means possible . ‘Your mother. pure and simple. We see that the reward for the one who does this will be Paradise.’ A few hadith before this in al-Adab al-Mufrad. etc. your sister and your brother. cousins. in the womb the mercy is most intense. whether practising or not.We give them gifts and do all that which will bring them happiness . we now see that it is an obligation upon us to look to and focus on our relationships with our brothers and sisters and then other direct family members such as grandparents. whether we like it or not. he replied. at all times. then you haven’t even maintained the ties of kinship. We learn that: . whether Muslim or not. aunties. their differences. . If your actions are not selfless and are carried out with the intention to receive something in return. We see that the punishment for the one who breaks his/her ties with their family member is severe and swift.And remember the key rule: this should ALL be carried out without the intention to receive anything in return i. where the child is cared for and nourished. nieces and nephews. your father.Linguistic meaning: the womb. and their difficulties. and then your relatives who are connected. When the Prophet (SAW) was asked to whom we should be dutiful. even when they actually wish to have nothing to do with you or perhaps even when they actually couldn’t care less whether you existed or not If you were to do all the positive actions mentioned above towards them because they did the exact same for you. The obligation of obeying our parents and behaving in the most best and gentle way towards them actually comes under this principle – to maintain the ties of kinship – or in real terms.When unable to visit them. You’ve just responded to their kindness and that does not equate to the same notion. You’re there to soak up their mistakes.To always greet them with a smile and never show your displeasure at the things you disagree with or what might hurt your feelings. then you are not carrying out the correct practice of maintaining the ties of kinship. at all times.Maintaining the ties means to go out of our way to contact and visit all our relatives.e. You’re there to help in whatever way possible . Then your mawla (your teacher) has the next right upon you. however far away they may be . ‘to keep in regular contact and in service with politeness and excellent behaviour to our entire extended family.

The best. then it is generally of three types: . said. making it personal When Allah (SWT) says ‘I am Rahmān’.The last are like these hadīth. This is hadīth qudsi and so we should pay attention and give that little bit of extra respect as this is Allah (SWT) addressing His servants directly Allah (SWT) has taken from his own name and given it to the ties of kinship (Rahīm). give salvation. help. Anas (RA) narrated most of the hadiths about the Prophet (SAW)’s life.Hadīth 53: ‘Abd’l-Rahmān b. perfect. protect.” This hadīth is authentic and is narrated by Bukhāri and Muslim. ‘I am the Merciful. which are from Allah (SWT) but narrated in the Prophet (SAW)’s own words and hence the wording is not guarant eed like the Quran – they can be weak. “Whoever wishes to have his provision expanded and his term of life prolonged then let him maintain his ties of kinship. I maintain ties with him. most honourable and guaranteed of it is the Holy Quran . I shall cut him off. . Whoever maintains these ties of kinship. fair and authentic like all other hadīth Hadīth 56: Anas b. the Almighty and Exalted. he would allow her. note that a variety of names could be used such as Al-Rahīm (The Most Merciful) or Arham’l-Rahimīn (The Most Merciful of the Merciful) but instead al-Rahmān is used The opening sentence to this hadīth sets the context for the entire narration This hadīth should focus our minds on the seriousness of this sin of breaking the ties of kinship The maintaining could be to look after. and whoever cuts them off. to intercede on that Day when we’ll all need it - When any speech is attributed to Allah (SWT). Mālik (RA) reported that the Messenger of Allah (SAW) said. I have created ties of kinship and derived a name for it from My Name. Everything in terms of the deep and detailed character of the Prophet (SAW) comes to us from Anas: His easy going nature (SAW): He mentioned that if a little girl wanted to take the Prophet (SAW)’s hand.’” This hadith is authentic and narrated by Imām Abu Dāwūd and Imām al-Tirmidhi. ‘Awf (RA) heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say.The second best is the Books of the anbiyā’ before they were changed and distorted such as the Torah and the Injīl . “Allah (SWT). bless.

His ‘ibādah could only have come from his witnessing of the Prophet (SAW).’ His ‘ibadah (SAW): The Prophet (SAW) would go round to people’s houses and do 2 rakah there. and grand-children are now more than one hundred.’ Thumāmah narrates that Anas (RA)’s feet would bleed from the length of time he would stand in salah. His narrations number in thousands. Anas (RA) gives us that wonderful. He would never let go of the other persons hand first while greeting them (giving salaam). He mentioned how the Prophet (SAW) walked. His nobility (SAW): Anas (RA) narrated the most about the Prophet (SAW) on this topic. nor scolded me nor even frowned at me – never. Umm Sulaym Anas (RA) is her legacy and the proof of her birr to him and his long blessed life is the proof of his birr to her and his silat’l-rahim to his relatives and indeed his place in this chapter. he would turn himself completely towards the person he was addressing.He observed the interaction between the Prophet (SAW) and his younger brother about a bird. as collected by our Imām in this very book with a good chain. he was at the forefront. The Prophet (SAW) made the following dua for him: ‘O Allah (SWT)! Increase his wealth and his children and prolong his life. They would say that when he put on his ihram. . it was not possible to speak to him until he had finished from it. He would also visit the elder women of the town randomly in the middle of the day. His generosity (SAW): Anas (RA) narrated an encounter with a Bedouin who came to the Prophet (SAW) and asked him for something. The Prophet (SAW) told his companions to give him 100 camels and the guy was shocked with his generosity so he turned away and started shouting. ‘My fortune is such that I get a full harvest twice a year!’ The excellence of his mother. How when he spoke.’ He also said. ‘My fortune is huge and my children. this guy (the Prophet (SAW)) gives so much.’ Anas (RA) was nobility personified. His bravery (SAW): The second the action started. he was honoured from his time with the Prophet (SAW). intimate and truly beneficial insight into the khuluq of the Prophet (SAW) when he said about his ten years of continual service to him: ‘I served him for ten years. ‘Turn to Islam. Some of the statements of those around him bear witness to that: Abu Hurayrah said: ‘I have never seen anyone resemble the Prophet (SAW) in his prayer as the son of Umm Sulaym did.’ And as Anas (RA) himself said. he never hit me.

e. Majority of the scholars believe that these people (mentioned in the above hadith) are among the delayed.His old age will be a healthy one . whereas if you are bad to your parents. . Remember: When you are trying to change the opinion or belief of a family member.’ He said this because everyone likes to hear their families praised. If you are good to your parents. your life will turn out to be a complete misery. He was praising him to make him (Jubayr) feel better. the son of the great Mut’im b. I would free them all. ‘Adiyy. Jubayr became Muslim after hearing a powerful ayah in the surah.Actual lifespan.The increase in age means here either: . Your parents still see you as a child. They say that those who don’t enter paradise are kufr and as these people are not kufr and are Muslims. Mut’im (RA): He was from the nobles of Quraysh. and one of the distant relatives of the Prophet (SAW). they will enter paradise after some time. Jubayr b. Then the Prophet (SAW) lead Maghrib prayer with Surah Tur.” This is a very authentic narration. The Prophet (SAW) said. the most honoured in lineage. in his Jāmi’ al-Sahīh.Increased khayr/barakah in the little time that he has .Some said that his prolonging will be a blessing for him to enjoy his children and their birr and the ihsān and the birr of those family and friends with whom he maintained ties The word athar is used because not only can it mean his age now but it also means the remnants of that which will be left behind (dual meaning). ‘If your father was here. “The one who breaks ties of kinship will not enter Paradise. Hadīth 64: Jubayr b. Mut’im (RA) said that he heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say. and this is the obvious and well known position . You need to destroy that image of being a child in their head for them to take you seriously. you will enjoy life. collected by Abu Dāwūd and Imām Muslim as well as our author in al-Adab al-Sahīh i. you are going up against a mountain. He became Muslim at the meeting that took place to determine the ransom of the prisoners taken from the Quraysh from the battle of Badr.

. The Prophet (SAW) once said: “Three men from among those who were before you. The absolute single most important source of success is the excellence and quality of the spouses. ask Allah (SWT) to grant your wife a righteous husband. I milked the sheep for them and took the milk to them. They said (to each other). especially the mother. set out together till they reached a cave at night and entered it. as the person marrying into the family (daughter in law) is joining their family. It’s all about sacrifice and compromise. especially with marriage. You should start with looking at yourself! It is the right of the wife when she gets married to have her own room. I disliked providing my family with the milk before them.’ From the example of this first man we see that there is no limit to kind treatment of parents as long as one does not commit sins in order to please them.’ So.The husband and wife Everyone looks for a great spouse. When parents disagree with certain marriages it’s because they have a right. one of them said. please relieve us from our critical situation caused by this rock. This is the number one biggest factor in raising excellent children. ‘O Allah (SWT)! I had old parents and I never provided my family (wife. Allah (SWT) tremendously rewards those people who are kind and considerate to their parents. by chance I was delayed. Then they got up and drank the milk. I waited for them and the bowl of milk was in my hand and I kept on waiting for them to get up till the day dawned. One day. It is only wrong when someone comes to you from a good background and is very knowledgeable and you decline them from marrying your daughter. The daughter is therefore not allowed to get married without the acceptance of her father. but I found them sleeping. A big rock rolled down the mountain and closed the mouth of the cave. But for men. ‘Nothing can save you from this rock but to invoke Allah (SWT) by giving reference to a righteous deed which you did (for Allah (SWT)’s sake only). The scholars have now stated that she should get her own house. children) with milk before them. Your parents own you and your wealth so therefore you should not go against them. People are not racist when they want you to marry from your own cultural background. there’s a little reminder to start off with: Before you ask Allah (SWT) to grant you a righteous wife. when the hiqum said that she should only get a room. O Allah (SWT)! If I did that for Your Sake only. and I came late (at night) while they had fallen asleep. A practicing wife is a very important factor for your children.

There is a lot of benefit in marriage. With this type of warning. he can’t afford to. If these were found out afterwards your partner can divorce you on the basis of you not mentioning this before. Marriage is the solution. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. It is not just individuals that split up. It shakes the confidence of the community.People are so caught up in the dunya . disability) then you should say something before the marriage. We all should make this an obligation upon ourselves. major birthmark.Shaykh AE Umar (RA) said that marriage is slavery. The Prophet (SAW) said that more woman were in hell because they were ungrateful to their husbands.Money-indirect (she is expecting to move out. the rest is about keeping it going. Love is just a spark.Husband and wife looking for the perfect spouse. Divorce is something that Iblis loves and it is very much detested in Islam. Below are the top reasons: . you are making a huge mistake if you still choose divorce just like that. It also starts to put people off the idea of marriage as people getting divorces just like that.) . You don’t need to tell your partner everything about your past if you have repented and you know it will not affect anything to do with your marriage. It is a shame that we spend a year to two preparing for one day (Walimah) and a couple of days for learning about the actual marriage! A study was done on the main reasons behind divorces among Muslims. incompatibility . so be careful to whom your daughter goes to. impotent. it’s more about sacrifice as you are doing it for your kids or the community.Even though the mother always comes first.Abuse-physical or domestic . there are certain situations where the wife needs to be protected. There is a really big emphasis on ignoring the faults of your partner. If you are hiding something about beauty for instance (sterile. he can’t afford to. Love is overrated. Walimah is nothing but a victory dance! .Lying or hiding important information. if you have not sacrificed anything. but it is a difficult ride. . She wants to get an extension. it is the family and the community that splits up.

his actions are closed down except for three: a continuous form of charity. patience and trust in Allah (SWT). Also if you teach them something that can . The average housewife would get £50. Our children can be out keys to Paradise or our tickets to the top. They tell their child the one who is teaching them the religion (mother) is the boring one and that they are the fun parent. sustaining. They make you weak. you can’t say that you don’t want it. And Allah (SWT) puts the female offspring first in the Quran in Surah al-Shura (49-50). “The Messenger of Allah (SWT) (SAW) was once giving the khutbah and Hassan and Hussain both stumbled in wearing red shirts. upon which the Messenger of Allah (SAW) descended from the pulpit. Not able to do everything because they are around.’ Rather.When things look very bad after all attempts to fix it up. 000 a year for just the cooking and cleaning. Despite the blessing. The Prophet (SAW) told us: ‘When the son of Adam passes away.’ (Muslim) If your children have the correct tarbiyyah and if you invest in them properly then they will understand this hadith and make dua for you. it is for the sake of Allah (SWT). even more than if she were a teacher of her qualifications. it is a huge responsibility. The kid associates fun and games with the father and hurt and work with the mother. Men usually play a very dirty trick and emotionally blackmail the children.’” Here. And then when divorce comes. We should be grateful for this and accept the responsibility that comes with this. something of knowledge by which others benefit from or a righteous child who prays for him. reflect on this: It is here when the Muslims have to step up and realise that marriage was most definitely more than just ‘falling in love. The father should still pay for his child’s upbringing. but you enjoy them so much so you handle it all. he is not celebrating the fact that he stopped what he was doing. Allah (SWT) has gifted you with something. There is a narration by Tirmidhi regarding how children can be a real fitnah. ‘What Allah (SWT) and His Mesenger (SAW) said is true – ‘You wealth and your children are only a test for you’ – I looked at these two small kids strolling and stumbling along and I couldn’t help myself but cut short my sermon and lift them up. who do you like most? Who is the one who is more fun? This is haram to do and not permissible at all. Divorce doesn’t mean that the relationship is over. remaining stable and accepting increased responsibility with honour. They distracted him from what he should be doing. the father asks the children. It is time to stand up and be counted and instead embrace the challenge of maintaining. it is for the sake of the children and it is for the sake of the community at large who need to see people battle it out and suppress their desires for excitement and risk throwing away stressful responsibility. picked them and held them and then said. We become cowardly with our children.

the people in this country look to the people who have gone through their education system. it’s a platform to show off the Muslims. It’s unbelievable that these people tolerate us. .’ What is your vision for your children? The shaykh’s opinion: This country is his/her future. whether you wear hijab or have a beard. So they can’t think of anything negative to link with this person. I want my child to become a professor in anything he wants. what’s going on?’ It will be said to him. despite their great comforting and entertainment qualities. If you have the motivation. I want my children to inspire everyone! When a crisis happens. They don’t care about colour.’” (al-Adab al-Mufrad – 35) The challenges of Islamic parenting: Children. If you work hard enough. They will listen and accept as they are so invested in their education system. The Prophets (peace be upon them all) wanted their children to lead mankind. you can get there. but we in fact do that to ourselves. The responsibility for educating them is a huge one and the emphasis on seeking knowledge has always been to start as young as possible. they have plenty of spare time. The bonus really is to teach our children as much as possible from the Islamic sciences when they are as young as possible.benefit others. There are just a few people out there which are the reason they tolerate us (Mo Farah). and he will say. You have to try and complete your education BEFORE you become a parent. Sadly. outside qualifications don’t help us in this country. ‘Memorising whilst young is like engraving in stone. it is teaching them about life. you can become whoever you want to be. whereas later it’s like painting on water. ‘O Lord. really do grow up very quickly and you soon start to yearn for the good old days when they were all small and innocent. Bringing up our children is not just teaching them Quran. not their background. ‘Your child sought forgiveness for you. So when he speaks. We are like a plague to this society. If you keep going. We live in a very different society who looks down upon us. A leader in whatever he wants. It is authentically narrated that Abu Hurayrah (RA) himself said: “The one who has passed away will move up in his position. they have no responsibilities and they have the advantage of being in their peak memorising age for as the Arabs say. you can get to the top. The people in this country just appreciate the talent here. they can pass that knowledge on and you will get the rewards as well as them.

Bigger population. The understanding is more important than the writing. You should also try and encourage them to learn the Quran at this stage. and implement it from the age of 10. the Muslims will respect you too.the discern one Tamyiz . if you focus on what the non-Muslims respect. children can be spaced between 2-3 years apart so that each child gets a full weaning period. but can be between 5-9) The early stages: Birth to Two years: We should not belittle the importance of this age. Number of children and frequency: Because breast-feeding often acts as a natural contraceptive anyway. The child is very much aware at this time of their surroundings. The only hadith from the prophet about teaching is about Salah and it states that you should pass it by them at 7. Two to Seven years: Start telling them about things happening around them in childlike terms while also mentioning about Allah (SWT) and paradise and hell and general knowledge about Islam in a very simple content. Your actions and mannerisms are the key here as they watch you a lot during this period. It is more important to just learn to read Arabic rather than the speaking. they need people who love their religion). you respect them more as you know it took a lot of sacrifice. The other ideas about math and writing and swimming were from the companions. Imtiaz . It is important to realise Islam is bigger than what it used to be. Everyone respect people who are in good shape. One advantage of the early stage of education is that they are more relaxed (they don’t need molvees. No doubt the mother ends up with the major role in this stage however the father should help once in a while.the age when children are now held accountable at home for their actions (in general 7 years old.Make them (your children) memorise the Quran before secondary school as after that it will take too much of their time away from schooling. in helping giving the mother a break. . You see someone who looks after themselves.

When they get to secondary. From the age of 7 and 8. Some scholars have said that if her body has become womanly. Children get bored from just being taught by their mother and father. The prophet has given us 3 years to educate our children about prayer and establishing it.’ If they really are tired. then don’t force it upon them or they will start to hate it. then push it to 11. ‘I don’t want to read Quran today’ and you know that they are lying. They have to understand that prayer is a blessing. And even the parents can’t take it sometimes. If you think they are still too young. do it during the summer period if she is developed. You ignore them. then tell them ‘it’s okay. But don’t let this get into a habit. She must wear a hijab in secondary. If they say. They are still not accountable so it’s okay for them to miss a few days. she should also start wearing hijab even if she hasn’t reached puberty. Once the Quran is associated with punishment.Seven years and on: This third stage is called the ‘age of discernment’ (tamyiz).don’t force them and they will follow We tend to play out our fantasies in our kids’ lives. Hijab becomes obligatory when she reaches puberty. Other acts of worship: Hijab . you should not force them into anything. You also don’t start correcting their mistakes at this stage. You should not let your child be taught the Quran by just their mother or father alone. you start focusing on the child’s legs. They should get another teacher to help. Children and Salah: The verb marra (to instruct) has different definitions. Hajj . the more they will get attracted. . And do not force them before this stage. If you really want to make an impact. 4-15 years You should not stop your children to pray from a younger age from 7. they have to be prepared with Salah before they start secondary. The more you keep them away. Likewise with Salah. You might be worried that the teachers at school have the ability to teach your children but you should use it to your advantage and work with them side by side. If you want to introduce something. It is also very difficult to do (for the parents). they should have their prayer habit securely built into them. start bringing your children to the mosque and also wake them up for fajr. These things will only work if you have established reading the Quran and prayer from when they are young. A man who does not go to the mosque is not a man! They should come to it themselves. They need to appreciate that praying is for special people. You start to praise them when they start getting it correct. sitting and ruku’ for example. Home-schooling is not the best option. but you can’t read it for the whole month. When they reach the age of 10. they will not take it seriously. So you may banish them from prayer if they misbehave.there is no point really to take children at such a young age. you have to jump in right now.

the hero. People have to understand that children can learn about the mosque and prayer on Eid or Friday prayer.You should know they are exposed to a lot here and you need to be prepared . Summary of schooling issues: There is no definitive right way. You have to be calm and explain these things to your kids about halal and haram. he never brought them to the mosque. You should become the funnel in creating the experience for your children. the inspirer. the motivator. the role model. they will be fine.It is better when they understand the concept. The single most important objective and rule and solution and principle and guarantee for your child and their schooling is actually explained by a Prophetic statement: al-mar’u ‘ala dini sahibihi. And then you can ban them if they misbehave and it will upset them. The children are not recommended to come but they are allowed only under certain circumstances. go to normal schools. football. This comes before all other priorities. If you invest in finding your child at least one good friend (or a small group). You need to always be there. Islamic School or Normal School? It doesn’t matter where your children go. sports. You have to only allow them to use these things as a reward. Life education: The most important secret for success in the whole chapter of Islamic parenting is to ensure that the parent is the life educator. celebrities etc. movies. you try and create the lesser evil like something like sports for example. Life education means the parent has to be the guide. private schools or Islamic schools. There is a personal responsibility and the absolute necessity for the parents to review with their children the contents of their day every single day whether they are home schooled. You can’t keep your children away from these things. Children and Mosques: Men taking their sons to the mosque is the same concept as women dressing up their daughters (they are trying to fulfil their fantasies). Issues with all these schools:  Public schools: . they will still need your involvement and concern. If you are not their best friend. The VITAL key to this all is who your child’s best friend will be. the source of comfort and the fount of all knowledge. Gaming systems make bigger money these days than movies and Hollywood. Even if they go with their parents. It is impossible to bring your children up in this country without TV. they will find someone else. It is good to make it an event when they go to the mosque and they will start to love going. Since you can’t create the Islamic role model. Every option has its benefits. the confidant. they will run to somewhere else to get that information. You can’t avoid your children being exposed from the corrupt societies. During the time of the Prophet (SAW). If you do not become that funnel. they still have to repeat their hajj a second time.

they will talk to their friends and experiment instead The threat is out there. They need to first learn their mother tongue or English. We can tell from the scholars that one should use preventative measures first. PARENTS ARE THE SOLUTION! You also have to filter what goes out. There is no narration that prohibits physical disciplining or capital punishment – rather there are narrations that establish its permissibility and give its limits.You cannot smack a child under the age of 10 .Must be in different areas to not specifically hurt one area and also timed separately . However. Children will not speak Arabic as their main language in Western countries. Child discipline: The Prophet (SAW) never hit a child or a woman.It mustn’t be on the face or say something along the lines of ‘May Allah (SWT) make your face ugly!’ . you cannot avoid it! Private schools: Preferred education system (by the shakyh) Not affordable Every day you are the filter and help them by talking to them about right and wrong Islamic schools: Easy way out of responsibility Not affordable The parents don’t know anything about their kids’ lives as they don’t ask them every day Many unqualified teachers who don’t know how to teach Best option IF there are good teachers and the parents can afford Madrasah: Option if it is good and worthy Similar to Islamic schools regarding not taking responsibility and asking about their kids’ day All of these systems will have their pros and cons. The second level is to actually apply those punishments.Must not happen while you are angry . The third level is to take a kid by the ear gently which is something narrated from many of the salaf and sahabah.   - Mainly people are afraid of sex education If you don’t talk to them.Must avoid sensitive areas (stomach or private parts) . Ever. But as a last resort. The real focus should be on the pronunciation of the letters.It cannot be more than 10 times (unless capital punishment) . they allow smacking with conditions: . so check their homework for instance.One must stop immediately if the child implores you by Allah (SWT) to stop .

swimming and that he is given halal provision. etc.Need to believe it is possible to memorise the Quran by it .Focus on quality over quantity (don’t rate 3 pages on a day over 1 page on a day) . as that will come later and it MUST be accompanied with complete parental involvement and explanation.Encourage high number of repetition (one ayah-50/100 times). archery .You have to get your child emotionally involved . not presents!! One of the most important things that you must do is to never spoil you children. Memorisation Tips: Some points to reflect over based on anecdotal evidence from Muslim families: .Don’t rush – what comes quick.’ The young age is about memorising and not understanding. Keep things simple. Try to not devalue the prize! Memorisation of the Quran: Although we don’t have a specific authentic hadith from the Prophet (SAW).Focus on at least twice a day (morning and evening) . make your children to write out the ayahs (if they have studied Arabic) . you just need to be imaginative (no watching the match/no PS3!) Children require presence. goes quick .Need to introduce surahs to your children after 3 .The reason for memorising so much is because they have free hearts (no stress) so don’t expose your child to arguments/problems . not tajweed . some of the sahabah and Salaf would state as collected by Imām al-Suyūti and Abu Nu’aym in al-Hilyah: ‘The right of the child upon his father is that he is taught the Quran.One should not get depressed by slow development .Children are still memorising still into their teens (don’t need to rush it) . if you can.Focus on memorisation.- One must explain before any discipline what is happening and why and also how to avoid that in the future Beating is overrated! You don’t need to hit anyone these days.Memorise things loudly .Do not get depressed if your child is starting late .

’” This is an authentic narration.You have to really become their friends and do things together .Dunya vs akhirah concept . ‘If someone has three daughters and is patient with respect to raising them.’ . Lūt (AS) had only daughters. its children  Instant gratification vs deferred gratification .Have to accept this (already present in education system)  Developing the ability to share . and clothes them from his wealth. collected by Ibn Mājah (3669) and Imām Ahmad (4/154) and Abu Ya’lā in his Musnad (1764).Children love things that we love 10 times more . As for fear of poverty.Kufr if you accept dunya  Developing patience with matters of little interest .Bring up their confidence.You can’t always do what you want . which unbelievably led some of them to actually kill this child out of shame and despair. they will be a shield for him from the Fire.There are many resources you can use Miscellaneous issues:  The reward system . and let them feel involved and that they have something to offer Hadīth 76: On the authority of ‘Uqbah b..If anyone has a right to rewards (or sweets). Jāhili Arab society over 1400 years ago had an intense dislike and disappointment of giving birth to a daughter instead of a son. then Allah (SWT) says: “Do not kill your offspring for fear of poverty. ‘Amir (RA) who said. about which Allah (SWT) says in Surah’l-Takwīr: “And when the female infant buried alive is questioned: for what sin was she killed?” The Jāhili Arabs either feared poverty or they worried about what their enemies would do with their families. “I heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say.One of the main targets for the syllabus in primary education  The child should be listened to if they have knowledge or quality education .” (al-Isra – 31) One of the Salaf ‘Ubaydullāh al-Sa’dī said. Shu’ayb (AS) the same and the Prophet (SAW) was one who had daughters. ‘It has reached me that Allah (SWT) loves those who have daughters.

kiss her and seat her in his place. indeed most of the corrupting of children comes from via the parents and their negligence and failure to teach children the obligatory aspects of dīn and its sunan. kiss him.” replied his father.” said the Prophet (SAW). just as is seen when some parents . “Then ask someone else to bear witness.” The Prophet (SAW) replied. because we don’t!’ The Prophet (SAW) said.’ She added. “Then don’t do that. The Prophet (SAW) said. and seat him in her place. Hadīth 93: On the authority of al-Nu’mān b.’ (Imām Ahmed. then he has sinned greatly. The illa is that the other children feel the problem. they were neglected as children and didn’t benefit. please bear witness that I have given al-Nu’mān such and such. “Do you not want them all to be equally dutiful to you?!” “But of course. attitude and way of standing and sitting than Fatimah. daughter of the Messenger of Allah (SAW). So you have to be careful in favouring each child as well as they might not feel it at the time but they might later. “O Messenger of Allah (SAW). she would stand up for him.” said his father. Abu Dāwūd and alTirmidhi) Hadīth 90: ‘A’ishah (RA) said. ‘Can I put mercy in your heart after Allah (SWT) has removed it!?’” This is narrated authentically in Bukhāri and Muslim. You should invest the most time into your eldest child as they will be around for much longer than you as a parent. and when the Prophet (SAW) used to visit her. “Did you give every child the same?” “No. and they fail to benefit their parents in their elderly age either. The other children should never feel like they are being neglected and one of the siblings is getting favouritism. “A Bedouin came to the Prophet (SAW) and said. Concluding advice: Ibn al-Qayyim said: The command of Allah (SWT) given to the parents with respect to their children precedes the command of Allah (SWT) given to the children with respect to their parents. Whoever is negligent in the teaching of his child that which will benefit him and just leaves him to his own devices. and said.” This is narrated authentically in Bukhāri and Muslim. ‘Do you kiss your children. ‘When she would enter upon the Prophet (SAW) he used to stand up for her. Bashīr (RA) that his father came to the Messenger of Allah (SAW) carrying him.The Prophet (SAW) and his Daughter: On the authority of Aishah (RA) who said: ‘I have not seen anyone resemble the Messenger of Allah (SWT) in the style.

and watch with my eyes. I would care to know less and know to care more. If I had my child to raise all over again. to the extent that the mare lifts it hooves away from its foal for fear of harming it. I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often. and affirm much more. ‘Allah (SWT) the Mighty and Exalted has divided up mercy into one hundred portions. and seriously play. “I heard the Messenger of Allah (SAW) say. I’d stop playing serious. He retained ninety-nine portions with Himself and sent one portion to Earth – it is because of this portion that the Creation is merciful to one another. ‘Father. and the house later. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.’ Hadīth 100: On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (RA) who said. and point the finger less. And more on the power of love. I’d finger-paint more.’” This narration is highly authentic and narrated by Bukhāri and Muslim in their Sahīh collections. I’d build self-esteem first. you neglected me when I was young so I neglect you when you are old. I’d do more hugging and less tugging. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. (Diane Loomans) .complain of disobedience from their sons and daughters to which the y reply. I would do less correcting and more connecting. you left me a child and I leave you as an old man. I’d take my eyes off my watch. I would be firm less often. I’d focus less on the love of power.