Annotated Samples 2 Essay Outlines Good Sample

The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur.

Sections Introduction Thesis statement People don’t sign the organ donation card because of the Chinese traditional culture, unawareness of the importance of organ donation, and misconception of organ donation. As donating organ after death is meaningful, methods to increase people’s awareness of it to save others’ lives are also introduced.

Comments

The thesis statement states the single central idea with a clear plan of development. The main points are stated in a parallel structure. The second sentence is not a part of the “thesis statement” – where should this be placed?

Body Topic Sentence 1: Traditional Chinese culture encourages keeping the intact body after death. Specific Supporting Evidence: (a) Our bodies are given by parents that should not be damaged without their permission. (b) It seems to be a curse of early death to yourselves. (c) People are afraid that their families are reluctant to let them donate the organ.

Different reasons are given to explain and to support the topic sentence. What is the source of information?

Topic Sentence 2: People are unaware of the urgency and large demand of organ transplant. Specific Supporting Evidence (a) There is a lack of promotion (how to get those cards, what would be done if I sign the card).

How does the lack of promotion affect people’s perception of organ transplant?

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

Topic Sentence 3 People have a lot of misconceptions of organ donation. Specific Supporting Evidence (a) People may fear that doctors may not try their best to save the life of an organ donor. (b) People may worry that they may not be suitable for donation because of a history of medical illness. (c) People may worry that they are too old to donate their organ as the organ may not function well and healthy. (d) They have the misconception of donating all the organs once they signed the card even they want to donate only one of them.

The topic sentence is well supported by different examples of people’s misconceptions about organ donation. Is there any research evidence to enhance the credibility of the essay? What is the percentage of people having these misconceptions? Should summarise the essay by briefly restating the thesis and the main supporting points. (Often, it’s useful to include a concluding thought of the writer about the subject of the paper).

General Closing Remark/ Summary It is suggested that donating organ after death is a meaningful act to save others’ lives. And people are encouraged to sign the organ donation card and change their misconceptions about Chinese traditional culture and misconception of organ donation.

Overall comments Merits: The students tried to approach the problem from different aspects. Areas for Further Improvement: Research data is needed to strengthen the supporting evidence. Alternative methods should be proposed to address the problem. It would be better for the students to re-state the thesis statement, summarize the main points and present the final thoughts about the topic in the conclusion.

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

Annotated Samples 2 Essay Outlines Poor Sample
The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur. Sections A) Introduction Thesis statement 1) The alertness of the disease of high blood pressure is low in Hong Kong. Comments

A thesis statement stating the topic, attitude/idea and the plan of development of the essay is needed. This thesis statement is an announcement of the topic only. The writer’s attitude/main idea and plan of development, e.g. causes, impact, solutions are missing.

B) Reasons Topic sentence 1: Over 1.7 billions of Hong Kong people do not realize that they have high blood pressure. Specific Supporting Evidence: - According to the Population Health Survey 2003/04 of the Department of Health, 60% of male with high blood pressure do not know they have the disease. - 1 in 5 Hong Kong people have high blood pressure. - 1 in 5 Hong Kong people do not have the idea of high blood pressure.

Topic sentence 2: Hong Kong people do not have body check annually. Specific Supporting Evidence: - Busy life do not allow enough time for them to have body check. - Unhealthy diet increases the risk of having high blood pressure. - Signs of high blood pressure are invisible, they know they are high blood pressure when they are very ill. - They belittle the consequences of high blood pressure.

A topic sentence (complete sentence) is used to outline the main idea, but the number 1.7 billions is illogical and inaccurate. Specific supporting evidence with statistics is given, but the last two subpoints should be better linked to support the topic sentence. Only general facts are provided. Specific supporting evidence with elaboration and research data (e.g. statistics, quotes) is needed to support the topic sentence.

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

Topic sentence 3: Most people misbelieve high blood pressure would only appear in the elderly. Specific Supporting Evidence: - People think that high blood pressure is only associated with heart disease, high blood glucose level and old age. - Statistic shows that majority of high blood pressure are the elderly. - Advertisements on high blood pressure usually focus on old age group. - They think that discomforts such as tiredness and dizziness are due to stress and hustle life, so that people do not relate them to high blood pressure. General Closing Remarks/ Summary Overall comments Areas for Further Improvement: The outline shows no opinion/position as the examples used are descriptive and obvious. Alternative methods to address the issue can be put forward. A summary can be added to give a conclusion to the essay.

Only general facts are provided. Supporting evidence, though given, is not specific. The last sub-point does not support the topic sentence.

No closing thoughts/ summary

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

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