Identity and Leadership Autobiography SDAD 579 Justin Zagorski 2/27/2014

When I think of times in which I have taken leadership, been seen as a leader, or likely been perceived as one, I wonder what the impact of my male identity is. Although many of my experiences and examples are influenced by multiple identities, maleness is the focus for which my reflection is directed. Most privilege may come from living in America as a white male, but this reflective narrative will unpack my experience as a male. Growing up as a male played a huge role in my ability to this moment in time and continues to impact my successful mobility into the profession. I identify as a cis gender male, which means I have the privilege of identifying as the biological sex that I present to the world. A developing feature to my male identity is the method for which I choose to express my gender, an androgynous gender expression. The importance of constructing this narrative around the identity is to unveil the message that socially constructed my maleness and how that identity development impacts my role in leadership. When viewing myself as a leader, through the lens of my male identity, I see an immense amount of privilege and challenge. I walk find that my journey is filled with struggles to move away from the norms associated with my gender while owning the role I play in continually uncovering an awareness of my male privilege. Through understanding the construct of experiences I link to maleness I am better able to accept the responsibility that comes along with that privilege and harness it to instill social change. The following reflection elaborates on four themes of my male identity development that impact my contribution to leadership: rugged individualism, boys will be boys, love and emotions, and subconscious advocacy for justice.

Themes of Male Identity Development Rugged Individualism The overarching message I have had to navigate and work to overcome is that life is a battle best fought alone. I have been taught that men are most important, that I am most important. My family showed me that men were most capable and have the most potential for success. A true man will stand up for himself and have the extraordinary ability to fend for females while doing so, as I saw in any superhero and action movie. I was told to worry about myself and just try hard if I want to succeed. Nobody was going to help me any more than I could help myself. This taught me to never ask for help, because no value was put on it. Everywhere I looked there was a message that told me I was on my own and I am less of a man if I ask for help. My fathers family is overflowing with males who have provided for the family and each holiday conversation is an opportunity for them to remind everyone of their ability to do so. The Dickens (last name) pride was acknowledged as the motivation factor behind this individualism. However, I think it was a fear to think that any other way may exist. I cannot remember a single significant moment when my father asked for help. My mother and sister would always look to him for assistance. Dont ask for help and definitely dont expect help. If I was to be a man I had to conform to expectations and become one on my own. Boys Will Be Boys My mind has always tested the boundaries of reason, as if my imagination knew no bounds. Curiosity comes from a place of privilege rooted in my male identity. Throughout my time in public schooling, I learned it was acceptable to challenge people. I questioned ideas, rules, and peoples ways of doing things. I never had to worry about being labeled as rebellious. Conversely, my sister seemed to never stand a chance. Actually when I ventured to far and made

mistakes people would just said that boys will be boys. It seemed socially acceptable for me to crash my car, sneak out at night to be with girls, and struggle through school. There seemed to be an expectation that I could only become a man through learning from the mistakes. I find it interesting to think about my sisters journey and how mistakes were a sign of rebellious irresponsibility. The comparison between my journey and my older sisters is quite revealing. I watched as she was faced with leaving high school, drugs, and jail time, and nobody seemed to offer her the support that I now know she deserved. I even more recently witnessed the equal lack of support my mother received during a stent in prison. In 2008, I went to jail for a felony offense during my first winter break home from college. Male friends and I were running around in a sale barn at the local fairgrounds with the lights on when local police arrived. This was not our first run in with them for trespassing and they charged us with stealing the citys electricity since we also had the lights turned on. I went to jail for a couple nights, faced a large bail, and sentencing process for a felony. Immediately my dad was furious and threatened to drive a van through the jail walls, a gesture of support I never saw for my sister. My family found a lawyer who was able to get the sentence reduced to a misdemeanor of trespassing, I completed some community service and continued my college education. I offer this story as a method for understanding the privilege of getting to explore my curiosity as part of growing into being a man, and a privilege I only receive as a boy just being a boy. Love and Emotions Love was not for boys. I grew up receiving the message that manhood was achieved through losing my virginity. My male peers in middle and high school talked about who was going to get laid on the weekend, not who they were going to fall head over heels for. That

would mean men would have to wear heels in the first place. To consider love in grade school meant being faced with being labeled as gay, as if my sexuality was a direct correlation to my masculinity. I was always the knight who embarked on a noble quest to save the princess and return home to a victory parade. Not until I got to college did I hear the word love uttered in my family. I distanced myself thousands of miles from home before I began to hear love. In fact, the only emotion I saw in males as I grew up was anger. Men are strong and angry. Most importantly, it was innately wrong if men were to cry. During my first year of graduate school I took an introductory counseling course where I was prompted to think and talk about my feelings in order to counsel others to do likewise. I quickly realized that I not only found difficulty in discussing emotions of sadness, empathy, and love, I felt unable to experience them. I felt as if those feelings were in a room that I had no key to. One day I was walking through Wholefoods Market when I picked up Brene Browns book Daring Greatly, which was the key to that door. The lesson in the text was the power that vulnerability could play in my life. As a male I was taught to be invulnerable and to be the rugged individualistic man I was supposed to be, but it didnt have to be that way. I found my voice between the lines of text and learned what it meant to dare greatly. It took twenty-three years for me to begin to realize the power that socialization had on my development as a male, and how my true male identity was sitting inside of me the whole time. Subconscious Advocacy for Justice As I transitioned through high school I fought the peer pressures associated with becoming a man. I was expected to degrade women and objectify them. To maintain masculinity, boys would name things to be gay if they were outside the norms of conformity. The fascinating part of this growth in high school is the mystery to why it occurred. Inside of me there were often

feelings of discontent with how I and others were treated. I wanted it to be okay for a guy to be gay if they wanted. I wanted to fall in love with a girl and not get told I was pussy whipped. I wanted to trust women when people around me often commented about they are crazy, and overly dramatic, liars. I often questioned why things were the way they were, which I see as my introduction into advocacy, though be it from a subconscious place in my mind. Maleness in Leadership Walking through the world as a male presenting human undoubtedly has societal privileges. As I continually learn about myself, I perpetually question what it means to be male. That introspective conversation is crucial as I unlearn so many of the values, assumptions, beliefs and behaviors that were ingrained in me since childhood. Historically, males have been the main figures that leadership theory revolves around, and even today we find that most higher-level institutional positions are being held by men. Assumptions, ingrained norms, and messages about maleness across the four themes impact how I show up in leadership. Disconnect from Others The socialization I received early on that men are destined live a life of rugged individualism impacts how I engage with relationships in leadership. Seeing success as an individual accomplishment is problematic when effective leadership focuses on the success of the collective. As leadership presents taxing challenges and obstacles it is often the support of others that empower my efforts to move forward. Traveling through life with a rugged individualistic mindset inhibits my ability to seek out that support. Even while unpacking this ingrained stubbornness, I find grave difficulty in asking others for help. When I go shopping, I will refuse to ask a sales associate for help when I cannot find something. Walking around the stores for an hours is more appealing to me than asking

somebody for help. If I am to ask for help, there is a deeply ingrained message within me saying that I have failed to fend for myself. The rugged individualism is pervasive and finds creeps up at times when I feel like I have overcome it. Frequently while working together on a team, I will often feel compelled to volunteer to do as much as, if not more than, I possibly can. The idea is that I am not only doing the group a favor, but I also will best accomplish the tasks. Always thinking Im the best for the job or right when it comes to a decision, is a dominant trait I must consciously check at the door. Dominating Without Intent Entering a room full of people as a male is entering a room as a dominant presence. Moving forward into speaking in the group magnifies that presence and the coinciding power. I see my place in dialogue as one of reward and tension, like a double-edged sword. As an advocate I have the systematic power needed to access airtime. When I speak I often feel as if people are listening to me. Alternatively, I often find that power impacts how other can effectively engage in discussion. Depending on how cautiously I approach and navigate participating in dialogue, determines what side of the sword I find myself residing. In my development I can recall many occasions where I can find myself dominating conversations, speaking over people, and formulating my response before others are even finished offering their thoughts. Today, I not only consciously stay aware of my level of engagement but track how other males may be dominating a team as well. The learning that comes from my own experiences provides a framework for me see learning moments to better myself and others. Privilege to Question I learned early on that it was okay to question authority and those around me. Most often I find that questioning governing systems, institutional practices, and even peoples behaviors is

assessable to me as a male. Even if I questioned somebody and I was wrong, they were not going to attribute my failure to my gender. There is no person that cautions my curiosity. I actually see it as welcomed and valued in leadership. I often find the advocating to dismantle sexism is seen as an activist stance when those same efforts by females and the transgender community dont have that same privilege. Recently, I attended a panel of seasoned professional in the field of student affairs where they were asked to discuss their experiences with leadership. One question was how do you establish an effective working relationship with a supervisor. One male professional asserted that being able to challenge a supervisor is important. They said that a supervisor wants somebody who is able to engage in discussion about topics and not always agree with them. I internally questioned if questioning a supervisor was a practice that all people should practice or if it was coming from the male perspective. As I have formerly explained, I have been able to questions everything and never had to fear being labeled as a complainer or problem. Especially in regards to inequity and oppression, my questions are seen as activists efforts when a women might raise a similar issue around sexism but with different reactions. Daring Greatly Living life as if there have always been relatively low consequences has always been a reality for me. Even though I find struggles like most people, I often find that living authentically is easier as a male. I challenged gender norms on a daily basis with a decreasing fear in doing so. As a male, I feel like I never have to worry about people invalidating my story or sharing it with others. Part of this comes from a confidence in what being a male means to me, which I have strengthened through a process of identity development. Most of it comes from the privilege of being at the top as a cis gender male. There is little that a person can actually do to demean me,

or question my masculinity when I look and have the biological features of a male. This is why sharing my authentic story is privileged ability. What happens when I dare greatly, when I let others see the true being I hold deep in my soul? I am questioned, but due to the privilege, am met with a respectful acknowledgement of my response. People often ask why I choose to wear heels. I explain how it is of importance to my gender expression and a way to challenge norms of the gender binary. Nobody claims I am complaining about sexism. This is the same as race in the way that I can bring up racism without somebody blaming me for pulling the race card. Women and the transgender community constantly have to not only defend themselves when they wear traditional masculine attire, but even when they dont conform to the ideal feminine expression. Serving Humanity as a Male Further investigating my male identity is specifically important to leadership development because of the norms and views of leaders in America. I wonder what it means for me to participate in leadership when all of our U.S. presidents have been male? What is the impact of me seeing males in leadership roles ever since grade school, reading of male heroism in my textbooks, and having lived under a male authority figure in my household as I grew up? Seeing myself in positional leadership in many institutions around the country is a privilege that others should experience. I have recently discerned my current calling to the field of student affairs is using privilege to advocate for others. As a male, I have a privileged amount of accessibility to senior leadership positions from which I can help in act positive social change towards equity. Developing Empowerment in Myself and Fellow Leaders

Challenging the system is the only way to move toward more equitable ones where disparity is absorbed. In order to challenge societal norms using my male privilege I must keep in mind that people can be, and often are, simultaneously hurt by that process. I have the ability to advocate for those who are rendered voiceless, but while doing so, I perpetuate that silence. An effective use of male privilege is finding ways to empower others and build coalitions with marginalized communities in order to inspire collective change. I am able to lead dialogue around intense matters without people citing my gender as reason for any incompetence I may display. A month ago I came upon a realization that portrays this dynamic well. I decided to work with an RA who was struggling to perform up to par with the job responsibilities. The RA was a male and I presumed I would establish a strong connection and relate with them. Conversations were somewhat successful but the problems persisted. When the RAs performance came up in a conversation with the team of supervisors I could not figure out how I even managed to talk with the RA. I thought I had been assigned one-on-one meetings with the RA when I had not. I remembered I just thought I could do a good job at it and take care of a problem so my cosupervisor wouldnt have to. This is where the problem of privilege comes in. Regardless of my intent, I took the opportunity to work with the RA, when my female supervisor was assigned to have one-on-one meetings with them. My role should have been to empower my co-supervisor when she is more than capable of having the conversations with that RA. I thought I should fix the problem, save the leadership team, and that is where my maleness got in the way. Advocacy I have the liberty of confronting sexist and gendered language without fear of being thought of as a complainer or problem. It is a beautiful privilege that can be used to counter the

very construct it faces. Confronting situations of bias and discrimination is easier when I have far less to lose than those who are the targeted people. Tracking a situation and speaking up is a small action that can have a huge impact. There is no question but to act, when I think of how little effort it requested of me compared to how large of impact the action can have on the greater community. A few weeks ago, I noticed a professor of mine used gendered language to address students in my class. The male professor would respectively address students using Mr. and Mrs. titles, but the problem occurred when an assumption caused the professor to inaccurate identify one of the students. I decided to email the professor after class using a very constructive approach, offering my own understanding of why the titles may not accurately represent students who identify as gender queer or transgender. After two weeks, I received a request to meet after class. To my surprise, we discussed what I had written in the email and, to my surprise, the older male professor asked me what more inclusive terms were. Although I did not have much advice to offer at the time, outside of using preferred gender pronouns, I found myself educating my professor. This experience taught me three valuable lessons about being a male in student affairs: First, I imagine the professors response was aided by me sharing the male with him. The conversation may not have happened the same without the comfort ability that comes along with sharing a common identity during difficult dialogue. Second, advocating for others from a privileged perspective is way different than advocating for myself when in a targeted perspective. I had very little to fear when engaging in the discussion, even though it still took some courage. Lastly, it further instated my developing approach to social justice. Social change is much more likely when advocacy is entered from a place of love, where learning and

understanding are the focal points of conversation. Calling my professor out in the middle of class and telling them how they are wrong would have been an entirely different conversation. I have also learned that the hard way. Joining a Movement Every day I show up to work knowing that I have the freedom to challenge gender norms. My role in dismantling sexism and the gender binary is simple; I just need to live out my true self. The power that I hold in helping to build more equitable systems is joining with communities who are already working towards doing just that. The age of the rugged individualism is over and social change is not a result of individual movements. My personal efforts to challenge systems must compliment the efforts of others. Advocating for social justice is taxing and finding motivation when progress is slow is tough. A community of support is irreplaceable in these moments. Community is the power of a collective, what is going to have the strength needed to sustain pushback. Harnessing the power of my male identity and taking it into the community is a progressive step. Contributing to leadership, while having the success of the group in mind, is much different than my individualistic quests of the past. I am no longer a knight battling to free the princess in an fantasied fairytale. I lead within a community of leaders to free people of an oppressive reality. I believe reflecting up how maleness influences leadership provides me with a mosaic of how my . An additional facet I will explore is how I want use those privileges to undermine the very messages that create them. The power is in my story and the way in which I choose to lead as a male identifying person. I will challenge norms associated with the gender binary, the ways for which I speak of gender, and my own behaviors that will likely arise as part of a reoccurring process. Even though that sounds onerous, I realize that all of those actions can be a result of

genuine authenticity. As a male exploring leadership, I want to offer my story to challenge the privileges and move toward empowering all people by dismantling the inequity within gender and leadership. Learning Goals As a professional it is my duty to continue to learn about my male identity. I am under no allusion that I am near finished learning of how it impacts my ability to serve in leadership. I have three goals to continue this learning and expand my effectiveness at using male privilege in leadership. First, I want to remain true to myself and express my gender in an authentic way. If my own story can challenge the norms and gender binary then that is a win for me and a win for others. It is a mutually beneficial endeavor. Second, I want to engage in the difficult discussions more often. Often when I pay attention to gender dynamics and talk to males about what I have noticed, there is only gratitude for my efforts. Each time that I feel triggered, those who are not privileged are probably more triggered. I want to learn from my successful advocacy efforts and let them motivate me to enter into dialogue more frequently. I most want to deepen my understanding of what it means to be enter the conversations from a place of love. The learning goal I would most like to further explore is my own male identity development. Soon, I will use a model of white, male identity development to further unpack my own experiences and those research participants for a continuation of my M.A. project. Engaging with other males and sharing stories will strengthen my awareness of my male identity and develop the support network needed to dive even deeper. I will remind myself that understanding the impact of being a male has in this world is a life-long learning process. It is inspiring to think of the learning which is going to come from remaining engaged throughout life.

I would like to culminate this narrative with an art piece that I composed during the program. Music composition is platform for which I make meaning in many of my experiences and identities. The lyrics illustrate how I have come to understand my male identity and liberation that comes from the power beneath the words. This piece is likely one of the most illustrative of personal growth and identity development that I have created to date. The Vulnerable Rabbit

There was a rabbit who struggled in fear, Who walked this earth not feeling so real, Masked emotions like happiness love and fear, Told to find ways to put it all away. Well that rabbit stood tall today, Told all the others what its time to say, I am a flower that grows from my roots, You best not box me in, Its time for me, to show whats within,

Cry when I need, even if I fall to my knees, Show the love thats deep inside me, Give this world authenticity

Because that is the rabbit in me

A beautiful rabbit grew tall today, Showed all the people what it means to say, I am a little afraid, Because Im supposed to be a certain way, I am a little afraid, But courage leads me to rise up and say,

I am a flower that grows from my roots, You best not box me in, Its time for me to show whats within,

Cry when I need, even if I fall to my knees, Show the love thats deep inside me, Give this world authenticity. Because that is the rabbit in me,

Because that is the rabbit in me, Because that is the rabbit in me, Because that is the rabbit in me.