Monogamy may not be for everyone: Can polyamory and polygamy be affective in human nature?

Munira Schofield

English IV Mrs.Jones March !" #$% &utline

Schofield '(ESIS: )esearch has found that *olyamory and polygamy has not al+ays been taboo in religions" has been studied in animals "and is significantly affective in societies that participate in it. I.'he history of polygamy in religious societies and ho+ it +or,s -. .. C. *olygamy in Islam and ho+ it +or,s in islamic culture. Judaism/s polygamist structure and their beliefs in it. 'he catholic churches criticism to+ards polygamy in polygamy

II.*olygamy in the animal ,ingdom -.0on monogamous relations are is common amongst mammals. ...amboo/s relation to humans and their polygamous nature. C.1ions and their affective mating rituals. II. *olygamy/s effectiveness in society today. -.)eflection from a humanist. Valerie 2hites article on polygamist beliefs. ..3ynamics of a polygamist and polyamorist relationships. C. 'he critics of non monogamous relationships.

Monogamy may not be for everyone:

Schofield 4 Can polyamory and polygamy be affective in human nature?

-ccording to -ssociated *ress" Journal of Marital and 5amily 'herapy " in %$6 of -merican marriages either one or both spouses have admitted to being in an e7tramarital affair. Statistics and research sho+s infidelity is not uncommon in every relationships. 2hich raises the 8uestions is monogamy for everyone and is it natural for humans to be polygamous? In today/s modern society" monogamy is the social norm for almost all relationships" ho+ever psychologist"researchers" and average people are beginning to 8uestion the normality of monogamist relationships. )esearch has found that *olyamory and polygamy has not al+ays taboo and can be affective in religions" +ild life "and the societies here in -merica.

'he history of polygamy in religious societies 'he 9uran states" :;ive orphans their property" do not replace their good things +ith the bad" and do not consume their property +ith your o+n. 'hat is a serious crime. If you fear you +ill not deal <ustly by the orphans" marry of the +omen" +ho seem good to you" t+o or three or four= and if you fear that you cannot do <ustice >to so many? then one >only? or the captives that your right hands possess. 'hus it is more li,ely that you +ill not do in<ustice >9uran %: @4?.A 'he permission of polygamous marriages +ere allo+ed more than $%## years ago. -uthor Bahra ;rant e7plains ho+ polygamy +as not only for a mans pleasure but for ta,ing care of +ido+ed +oman +ho needed a husband to provide for them and their ,ids. She goes further on e7plaining ho+ the polygamy versus +ere told to the prophet after the battle of Chud" +hich +as a time +hen many muslim men +ere dying at +ar.>2hy is *olygamy -llo+ed in Islam? (o+ is it .est *racticed??

Schofield % (o+ever muslim men +ere not the only ones allo+ed to marry more then one +ife" Judaism +as a supporter as +ell. 'he 'orah says" DIf he ta,e another +ife for himself= her food" her clothing" and her duty of marriage" shall he not diminishD >3euteronomy $:$!E$F? In both religions the man +as told if they decide to ta,e on the responsibilities of a +ife they must ta,e care of their +oman.In the 9uran and 'orah their are many scriptures stating that all the +oman must be given e8ual love" support and attention Many anti polygamist do not often see the benefits on a man ta,ing on more then one +ife. &ne of the religions that criticiGe polygamy is the catholic church. &n ValentineHs 3ay" images of couples are every+here. 'heyHre buying each other diamond rings" ma,ing eyes over e7pensive restaurant meals and canoodling over chocolate@covered stra+berries and champagne. .ut t+o@by@t+o isnHt the only +ay to go through life. In fact" an estimated % to ! percent of -mericans are loo,ing outside their relationship for love and se7 I +ith their partnerHs full permission.

'hese consensually nonmonogamous relationships" as theyHre called" donHt conform to the cultural norm of a handholding couple in love for life. 'hey come in a diGGying array of forms" from occasional Ds+ingingD and open relationships to long@term commitments among multiple people. 0o+" social scientists embar,ing on brand@ne+ research into these types of relationships are finding that they may challenge the +ays +e thin, of <ealousy" commitment and love. 'hey may even change monogamy for the better.

D*eople in these relationships really communicate. 'hey communicate to death"D said .<arne (olmes" a psychologist at Champlain College in Vermont. -ll of that negotiation may hold a lesson for the monogamously inclined" (olmes told 1iveScience.

Schofield !

D'hey are potentially doing 8uite a lot of things that could turn out to be things that if people +ho are practicing monogamy did more of" their relationships +ould actually be better off"D (olmes said. JK Scientific 'ips for a Successful MarriageL

E7amining nonmonogamy

'he study of consensual nonmonogamy is a relatively ne+ field. In the $MF#s" partner@s+apping and s+inging >recreational se7 outside of a relationship? came into the public eye" and psychologists conducted a fe+ studies. .ut that research +as limited to mostly +hite" heterose7ual couples +ho engaged in s+inging for fun" according to Elisabeth Sheff" a legal consultant and former ;eorgia State Cniversity professor" +riting in #$$ in the Journal of Contemporary Ethnography.

'hat means little is yet ,no+n about +ho participates in consensual nonmonogamy and +hy. )esearch is largely limited to self@report and surveys" in +hich people can be tempted to present themselves in a positive light. 'here are" ho+ever" some ,ey definitions to understand. Consensual nonmonogamy contains multitudes. It includes se7@only arrangements" such as t+o committed partners agreeing that theyHre allo+ed to see, no@strings@attached se7 +ith other people. It also includes polyamory" +hich involves multiple committed relationships at once +ith the consent and ,no+ledge of everyone involved.

Schofield K Consensual nonmonogamy does not include cheating" in +hich one partner steps out +ithout the permission of the other.

2hile there are no national statistics on consensual nonmonogamy" Cniversity of Michigan psychologist 'erri Conley has estimated that about ! percent of -mericans are in one of these types of relationships at any given time. 5rom the little data collected" scientists ,no+ lesbian" gay and bise7ual individuals are slightly more li,ely than heterose7uals to enter nonmonogamous relationships" said -my Moors" a graduate student in ConleyHs lab. So" it seems" are people high in the personality trait of openness" +hich indicates high interest in ne+ e7periences.

So far" studies suggest that polyamorous individuals are +ell@educated" holding more masterHs and doctoral degrees than the general population" said ChamplainHs (olmes" +ho is conducting ongoing research of an online sample of more than !"### polyamorous individuals. 3espite their smarts" theyHre not particularly +ealthy. J! Myths -bout *olyamoryL

D'hat tells me that itHs probably people +ho are often more focused on e7periences in life"D than money" (olmes said.

Jealousy N love

Schofield F &ne thing that seems to unite the polyamorous community is a real enthusiasm for digging into emotions. (onesty" openness and communication are cornerstones for polyamorous relationships" (olmes has found.

D'heyHre tal,ing a lot" theyHre negotiating a lot" theyHre bringing their feelings to the table a lot"D he said.

ItHs this intensive conversation that might be +ise for monogamous couples to emulate" (olmes said. (is +or, also suggests that basic emotions +or, very differently in polyamorous relationships.

'a,e <ealousy. If you as, most people ho+ theyHd feel if their partner had se7 +ith or fell in love +ith someone else" the responses +ould be pretty negative: fear" anger" <ealousy" re<ection. -s, a polyamorous person the same 8uestion" and theyHre more li,ely to tell you theyHd be thrilled. ItHs a concept called Dcompersion"D +hich means the <oy felt +hen a partner discovers love outside of you. ItHs similar to the feeling the typical person might get after finding out their best friend scored her dream <ob" (olmes said. .ut in this case" the happiness stems from a loverHs e7ternal relationships.

'hat finding challenges much of +hat traditional psychological research has established about ho+ <ealousy +or,s.

DIt turns out that" hey" people are not reacting +ith <ealousy +hen their partner is flirting +ith someone else"D (olmes said. D;ood science tests theories and predictions O you need to see if it holds up even in e7treme situations.D

Schofield P In another e7ample of polyamorous people potentially turning typical psychological reactions upside@do+n" (olmes conducted a preliminary analysis of about ## polyamorous people" as,ing them about feelings of <ealousy. 'ypically" he said" youHd e7pect to see that +omen are more an7ious about emotional infidelity" +hile men +orry more about se7ual infidelity. 'hat +asnHt the case among the polyamorous individuals. In fact" there +ere no gender differences in rates of se7ual and emotional <ealousy to be found.

0one of this suggests that polyamorous people are someho+ immune to <ealousy" (olmes said. .ut +hen <ealously does occur" itHs discussed. 'he person feeling <ealous is encouraged to e7amine their o+n psyche to find out +hatHs bothering them and +hich of their needs arenHt being met. 'hen the pair >or triad" or 8uad? can negotiate boundaries.

Safe se7

(olmes is careful to say heHs not advocating any particular relationship structure. .ut in some cases" consensual nonmonogamy may be a more responsible choice I at least if monogamy is proving too tough.

'he Cniversity of MichiganHs Moors has found that people +ho cheat on their partners se7ually are less li,ely to engage in safe se7 +hile doing so than are people in consensual nonmonogamous relationships. 'he findings" published in March #$ in the Journal of Se7ual Medicine" apply to condom use" use of gloves for genital touching" discussion of se7ually transmitted disease and se7ual history and steriliGation of se7 toys. J!# Sultry 5acts -bout Se7L

DIndividuals in consensually nonmonogamous relationships +ere <ust safer across the board"D Moors told 1iveScience. - second study" to be published in a forthcoming issue of the Journal of

Schofield M Se7ual (ealth" found that individuals +ho had permission to DcheatD +ere more li,ely to use condoms correctly than actual cheaters.

*art of the reason for the difference may be that consensually nonmonogamous people often e7plicitly stipulate that outside se7 is o,ay" as long as it is safe. Cheaters +ere also more li,ely than consensually nonmonogamous people to be drun, or on drugs during their outside encounters. 5inally" s,ipping safe se7 may be a +ay for cheaters to rationaliGe their behavior" Moors said.

DIf they had gone out and gotten protection then it might have seemed more planned"D she said. DIt might have been li,e" HMaybe I shouldnHt be cheating on my partner if I have to +al, to CVS to pic, up condoms.HD

'here are many open 8uestions left about polyamory and other nonmonogamous arrangements" but research is pic,ing up" (olmes said. 'his +ee,end" the first International -cademic *olyamory Conference is being held in .er,eley" Calif. 'he Internet has li,ely boosted interest in polyamory" said Sheff" +ho is +or,ing on a boo, about polyamorous families.

D'he Internet has revolutioniGed things for se7ual minorities in general"D Sheff told 1iveScience. DIt offers people a +ay to find out about it" and it offers people a +ay to find partners.D

*olyamory is comple7 enough and time@consuming enough that it +ill li,ely never overshado+ serial monogamy" Sheff said. 0one7clusivehoo,@up culture has young people negotiating consensual nonmonogamy li,e never before" she said" and people are increasingly thin,ing of relationships as build@it@yourself rather than prepac,aged.

Schofield $# DI thin, polyamory +ill co@e7ist as a less popular optionD than monogamy" Sheff said. D&r people +ill phase in and out of it at different times in their lives.D

2or, Cited 1. 2hite" Valerie. D- (umanist 1oo,s -t *olyamory.D (umanist K%.K > ##%?: $M. Master5I1E *remier. 2eb. P Mar. #$%. 2. Elbedour" Salman" 2illiam M. .art" and Joel (e,tner. DIntelligence -nd 5amily Marital Structure: 'he Case &f -dolescents 5rom Monogamous -nd *olygamous 5amilies -mong .edouin -rabs In Israel.D Journal &f Social *sychology $%4.$ > ##4?: M!@$$#. SocI03EQ +ith 5ull 'e7t. 2eb. P Mar. #$%.

4. Maria" Cara Santa. DIs Monogamy 0atural?D 'he (uffington *ost. $# 0ov. #$$. 'he(uffington*ost.com. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SS+++.huffingtonpost.comS #$$S$$S$#Sis@ monogamy@naturalTnT$#PF##M.htmlU.

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%. )yan" Christopher. DMonogamy unnatural for our se7y species.D C00. M July #$#. Cable 0e+s 0et+or,. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SS+++.cnn.comS #$#S&*I0I&0S#FS FSryan.promiscuity.normalSU. !. Sheff" Elisabeth. D'he *olyamorists 0e7t 3oor.D )eligious -ttitudes 'o+ards *olyamory. 4# Jan. #$%. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SS+++.psychologytoday.comSblogSthe@polyamorists@ne7t@ doorS #$%#$Sreligious@attitudes@to+ards@polyamoryU. K. D'he Cnbrea,able Man 1a+s.D 'he Cnbrea,able Man 1a+s. M 0ov. #$#. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SSunbrea,ablemanla+s.comS #$#S$$S MSas,@christopher@ryan@ph@d@is@monogamy@ natural@an@intervie+@+ith@se7@at@da+n@authorSU. F. 2ilco7" .radford 2. D- Step in the 2rong 3irection.D 'he 0e+ Vor, 'imes. $F 3ec. #$4. ! 3ec. #$% Rhttp64-6 56 5+++.nytimes.com6 5roomfordebate 6 5 #$46 5$ 6 5$F6 5should@plural@marriage@be@legal6 5polygamy@is@a@step@in@the@ +rong@directionU. P. *appas" Stephanie. D0e+ Se7ual )evolution: *olyamory May .e ;ood for Vou.D1iveScience. $% 5eb. #$4. 'echMedia 0et+or,. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SS+++.livescience.comS F$ M@polyamory@good@relationships.htmlU. 9. Evarts" Susan. DMating Systems.D .iology. Ed. )ichard )obinson. Vol. 4. 0e+ Vor,: Macmillan )eference CS-" ## . K @K%. ;ale Virtual )eference 1ibrary. 2eb. P Mar. #$%. $#. Staff" 1iveScience. D'op $# S+ingers of the -nimal Wingdom.D 1iveScience. % 5eb. #$$. 'echMedia 0et+or,. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SS+++.livescience.comS$ MK4@top@$#@polygamous@ animals@bonobos@hyena.htmlU.

Schofield $ $$. *hilips" .ilal. DIslams 2omen @ IslamHs *osition on *olygamy.D Islams 2omen @ IslamHs *osition on *olygamy. P Mar. #$% Rhttp:SS+++.islams+omen.comSmarriageSislamsTpositionTonTpolygamy.phpU. 12. 'he Jerusalem .ible: 'he (oly Scriptures. Ed. (arold 5isch. 'rans. 5isch. Jerusalem: Woren *ublishers Jerusalem 1'3." $MP#. *rint.