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COMES WITH BEING A CABBY

Written by Chadwick Harman

9731 May Lake Dr, Meridian MS, 39305 (601)692-6966

EXT. ROADSIDE- NIGHT MARK, a well dressed businessman, and SHIRLEY, a taxi driver, are standing in the middle of the road. The head lights of SHIRLEY'S car are on. In front of the car is the dead body of RICHARD. MARK is staring ahead, we move in on his face: MARK (V.O.) Consequences. Fabrications of Human kind strung through history as nothing more than a means to an end. Reaction. The full realization that consequences are more than slight fabrications. Consequences are the driving force behind humanity. (beat) All of this a highly likely scenario for some sort of nostalgic reaction to the path I have taken that should give me a deeper insight into life. Yet here I stand... here we stand. SHIRLEY breaks the voice-over: SHIRLEY Crap. (motioning to the ground) This is the one thing they tell us to avoid in cab school. MARK Cap school? SHIRLEY Real thing. SHIRLEY leans back against the cab. MARK Youre holding it together rather well-- uh-- Shirley was it? SHIRLEY (stoic) Yet inside of me there is a tiny child crying in the darkest corner searching for the sweet relief of his mothers bosom. (MORE)

2. SHIRLEY (CONT'D) There is nothing but the hope of light piercing through the darkness that has now consumed my soul. From this point forward, MARKS desire to be there decreases with each passing moment. MARK What in the world do you think we should do? SHIRLEY I'm not one for trouble-(beat) We should burry the body. MARK Shirley, you can't be serious. SHIRLEY I'm completely serious. I've never killed a man, but mom always said to come prepared. SHIRLEY walks to the turnk. MARK What type of mother did you have? SHIRLEY She was a God fearing American, and she cared. Regardless of what you are father has to say about her. SHIRLEY retrieves a shovel. A shovel? MARK

SHIRLEY Yes. This is a shovel. Now where do you suppose is the best place to burry a body. MARK How about over there? SHIRLEY Its dark and lonely. You dont think our friend here deserves a proper burial site?

3. MARK I-- um-- dont know much about the man. He could be evil. SHIRLEY Good call. We could burn it; keep the evil spirits at bay. MARK steps forward. His urgency is letting on to a secret. MARK No! We should burry it. MARK and SHIRLEY picks up the body and move is to an open patch of land under a tree. There is a RUSTLE in the leaves. MARK (CONTD) What was that? SHIRLEY Don't know. No one else is out here... right? MARK I don't see why not, this place is perfectly secluded. SHIRLEY There's a trailer park out to the east. MARK Nothing they haven't seen before... They shouldn't bother us. Shirley begins to dig. MARK (CONT'D) What if this all goes south? What if someone did find out. More NOISE in the distance. MARK (CONT'D) What would you do? SHIRLEY Probably change my name into something more manly. I'm thinking Robert. Move to Canada or Vermont.

4. MARK What's in Vermont? SHIRLEY Oh, the lobsters to die for. MARK And what's in Canada? SHIRLEY (thinks) Thats a fine point. MARK It makes ya' think. You know. SHIRLEY (stops digging for a moment) About what? MARK About everything, I guess. Really, what's there to not think about in a situation like this. SHIRLEY Well I'm not thinking about the shrimp I had for dinner- well now I am- seems you're right. Your a sharp one, Mark. MARK (surprised) How... did you know my name. SHIRLEY I know many things, Mark. You don't think I pick my passengers at random. MARK (creeping out) Uh... SHIRLEY Let's be honest with ourselves, Mark. We know each other, or at least we should. MARK Um... I don't follow.

5. SHIRLEY Or at least I know you. I've known you for a long time, Mark. WhaMARK

SHIRLEY (almost too excited) Our wives play bingo together! Right? You're Mark Richards! MARK No. I'm Mark Johnson. SHIRLEY (frustrated) Not again. Shirley resumes digging. MARK (V.O.) Reaction. The sudden realization that ideas have meaning beyond that by which we give them. Realization. The sudden reaction to the very consequence that has unraveled before your eyes. Shirley looks up to Mark. SHIRLEY (V.O.) Awkwardness. (looks at body) That feeling you get after you just hit a body. Pride. (beat) That moment when you know Dad would be proud. SIRENS sound in the distance. MARK I'm not liking this. It was supposed to be perfect... all of it! What? SHIRLEY

MARK I'm wasting time. Mark pulls out a knife.

6. MARK (CONT'D) Sorry Shirley, you seem like a nice guy but please dig faster. I just wanted him dead, there's no need for anything else. SHIRLEY You set this all up? MARK Yes. I did. Why else would I have you drive out in the middle of the night to a secluded place where you just so happened to run over a pedestrian that was jogging this late. SHIRLEY Wasn't the weirdest thing anyone's asked me to do. (pause) Why did you want him dead? MARK Why would you want anyone dead, really? SHIRLEY (he points to the body) Well, Ive always wanted to kill Richard, here. He let his dog out in my yard. The vermin defecated all over my lawn gnome collection. MARK (taken aback) Wait. You knew, Richard? SHIRLEY You didn't think I'd recognize him, did you? You've lost your faith in ole' Shirls. MARK I don't know how respond to that. Shirley throws the shovel on the ground, and picks up Richard's body. SHIRLEY (screams) RICAHRD MARKS, YOU PERVERTED GNOME HATER. I HOPE SATAN'S DOG-

7. MARK (tapping Shirley on the shoulder) That's Richard Johnson. Awkward pause as Shirley realizes his mistake. He slowly puts the body down. SHIRLEY I'm sorry, Richard. (pause) Wait, Johnson? MARK (bitter) Yes, Johnson. SHIRLEY He's your brother? MARK Who told youSHIRLEY It all makes sense now. (begins to pace; sorting out thoughts) We had been traveling east for approximately 20 kilometers when I noticed a turtle shell lying beside the road. Now, knowing for a fact that it didnt have the name of a famous painter nor are there cute hormone driven turtles in the area, I could only assume the worst. SHIRLEY changes direction sharpley, as if on cue with the change of thought. SHIRLEY (CONTD) Which caused me to consider the turtle brownies my wife made for me the night prior. She also has a knack for making cheesecake on Tuesday evenings. My favorite of her cheesecake was the one she made for her friends on bingo night... (snaps finger) Bingo. (pause) I also happen to know that the red neck population of the trailer park east of here is highly addicted to bingo. (MORE)

8. SHIRLEY (CONTD) Which was odd, because my wife returned home last night from bingo with a full cheesecake. Which was odd, because red necks LOVE cheesecake. (breath) So logically the red necks were not present at bingo. And there's only two reasons for that. Either nascar or the garbage truck was late. And we all know that late night nascar is a fantasy. (pause) The garbage truck was late. So what? MARK

SHIRLEY You said your name was Johnson. You and your brother own the Johnson & Johnson & Johanson garbage disposal company, incorporated. You are the CEO and everyone knows CEOs don't do any real work; therefore, the lack of garbage trucks was not your fault, it was your brothers. (pause) He was not at work that day. He was... napping with your wife. MARK (shocked) How did you know that? SHIRLEY No one actually sleeps in the day. Mostly naps, of the cat variety. MARK What else did you figure out? A long pregnant moment as SHIRLEY weighs all of his information. SHIRLEY The president's name backwards is Amabo. MARK You might the strangest man I've ever met. SHIRLEY shrugs a well duh.

9. SHIRLEY Comes with being a cabby. MARK holds the knife again. MARK I can't let you live now, Shirley. SHIRLEY You can't let me live, Mark. MARK That's what I said. SHIRLEY I know, Mark. I know. (grabs Mark's hand holding the knife towards himself) We can do this together. MARK What is your problem. SHIRLEY I'm not the one with a problem, Mark. You can't fight your battles. You hired a cabby to kill your brother, now that same cabby has to stab himself to keep you in the clear. MARK I can't have you live. You have to understand. SHIRLEY I understand many things, mainly what I read as a student, which was mainly the communist manifesto and Dr. Suess. MARK Are you serious? SHIRLEY Let me show you how serious I am! SHIRLEY stabs himself. MARK backs away, shocked. MARK I'm sorry, Shirley.

10. SHIRLEY Just tell my wife, one thing. No. MARK

SHIRLEY Tell her I want her... cheesecake. SHIRLEY falls over. Dead. MARK THIS IS CRAZY! YOU ARE CRAZY. I MIGHT AS WELL BE CRAZY! THIS WHOLE WORLD IS INSANE! (to Richard) I hope it was worth it! MARK kicks dust on the body. Then turns and storms off. Once he is a distance away two people emerge from the woods. TOM and JERRY. TOM walks over to SHIRLEYS body, thinking its RICHARDS TOM Richard, are you all right? Shirley sits up. SHIRLEY It's me. Shirley. Oh. JERRY

(beat) Is that a knife sticking out of your shoulder? SHIRLEY Indeed it is. TOM You took one for the team. SHIRLEY Indeed I did. JERRY Did you grab his wallet? SHIRLEY He left it in the car.

11. TOM Good. Does that hurt? SHIRLEY Of course it hurts! Richard sits up. RICHARD Not as much as being hit by a car. TOM and JERRY help RICHARD up. SHIRLEY sits. He watches as they head to the car to grab the wallet. SHIRLEY (V.O.) Consequences. Fabrications of Human kind strung through history as nothing more than a means to an end. Reaction. Knowing that the only thing you want more than your friends brothers wallet, is a slice of your fake wifes cheesecake. THE END.