1

Karaoke

A Novella

By Ilan Herman

Published in 2013 Copyright Ilan Herman www.freedomfiction.com I !"# $irst %dition

!en is in &ail on second degree murder but swears he's innocent. He shares the cell with (eorge) a con*icted child molester) who insists he'd ne*er harm a child. +he story unfolds to re*eal the truth. +he cellmates get entangled in a prison gambling ring and bet on a horse named ,arao-e) cause# .i-e a ,arao-e machine can play any song) the horse can run in any weather and on any surface. ,arao-e wins the race) but the outcome for !en is nonetheless tragic) though not without romantic absolution. / $reedom$iction.com

0pril 22

1I want you to -eep a &ournal)2 3ulie said. I shrugged. 1"e*er -ept one) why start now42 3ulie pressed her palm against the thic- plate of glass separating us. 1I want to read about your life) li-e a story.2 I placed my palm against the chilly glass but still felt her warm fingers entwine with mine. 15hat'll I write about42 3ulie -ept her palm on the glass. he has chubby) really cute fingers. I -now her fingers will be soothing and familiar the first time I hold them) li-e the caress from my childhood) when my aunt onya wiped my sweaty flu6ridden brow) but also se7y li-e a desert wind filled with passionate longing. 15rite about what happens in prison) li-e you did in the letters you sent me when we were only pen pals.2 I laughed. 18-ay. I'll try.2 3ulie's blue eyes lit up9a happy twin-le9a luminous drop of dew glistening on a flower's petal at the brea- of day. 1:ead me your &ournal when I *isit you in two wee-s. I can't wait to finally hold you.2 I too- a deep breath. 1It's going to be great;.really great to touch you) to -iss you. <ou're probably a great -isser.2

? 3ulie laughed li-e bells on a sleigh. 1I bet you're pretty good yourself. o you'll write42 1I promise to really try)2 I said when the guard came to stand behind me and grumbled) 1+ime to go.2 3ulie stood up. 1<our time will be up soon and then we'll li*e happily e*er after.2 I raised my right thumb. 1I'll be outta here before the lea*es of autumn crunch and crumble beneath your footsteps.2 +he steel door behind 3ulie opened. he wa*ed and smiled) then wal-ed out and was swallowed by the dim hallway. I wal-ed out of the *isiting booth and down a gloomy corridor) bac- to my cell) my cage) yet I felt li-e a child s-ipping along the ocean shore and wa*ing to the red sun scorching the hori>on and melting into the wet abyss.

I wal-ed in my cell and heard the door loc- behind me. I lay on my bed and loo-ed up at the ceiling) a happy child. .ying on the bun- across from me) (eorge loo-ed up from the boo- he was reading. 1How was your *isit with 3ulie42 1(reat. he wants me to -eep a diary. <ou thin- I should42 (eorge shut the boo-. 15hen's the last time anyone felt bad about -eeping a diary42 1I don't -now.2 (eorge shrugged. 1<ou don't ha*e a choice anyway. 3ulie wants you to write one. 5ho are you to argue42

C 1+rue)2 I said and saluted. 1Can I use a fa-e name and call it $ran-'s $ran@iary42 (eorge rolled his eyes. 1Can you imagine being named $ran-4 +hat's a wimpy name.2 1I agree)2 I said and suddenly was tired) the child s-ipping along the shoreline now bac- in the aging body lying on the bun- in a prison cell drenched in neon. I wished to hibernate for si7 months and awa-en to my release day) after which) li-e 3ulie said) we'd li*e happily e*er after;. I sighed. 1I'm beat. "aptime.2 1I wish I was a napper)2 (eorge said and returned to his boo- while I lay on my side) facing the wall) -nees curled up to my belly) and counted the seconds. 5e're all eAual through the eyes of infinity) but I wished infinity could mo*e faster. B B B

0pril 23

8ur cell is Auite large91=71D) bigger than most cells in the prison) a pri*ilege gi*en to inmates who are older and compliant and who) li-e (eorge) are also at ris- in the (P9general population9an assortment of mostly abused children who became young men who perpetrated a crime dri*en by abandonment and testosterone. +hey're not e*il men and clearly no worse than men on the outside but for the fact that many inmates are of lesser intelligence9unable to mold with technological times and topped with a tragic past) they fall between the crac-s of a society designed to fail them) a society where one life isn't eAual to another;.but that is as old as history herself) so I'll step off the soapbo7. adly) there are no windows in the cell. +he *entilation has impro*ed since the generator was replaced two years ago. +he temperature is EC degrees year6round) too warm for me and (eorge who prefer C0 degrees) but manageable with damp towels we use to wipe our bodies. 5e go na-ed a lot) but we're not gay) not that gay is bad9we're all (od's children) but (eorge and I are hopelessly hetro) which allows us to be na-ed for comfort alone. I'*e grown accustomed to (eorge being na-ed. I -now he feels the same 9the cohabitation wouldn't last a day for either of us otherwise. I'*e ne*er heard him &er- off) and I hope he's ne*er heard me go about my business. I wait to hear the steady rhythm of his light snores) and Auic-ly do my deed facing the wall and curled in my blan-et to shield the shuffling sound.

+he cell has two single beds) a wooden des-) two metal chairs) and a shelf crammed with boo-s. 8ur clothes and essentials are -ept in wide drawers that slide under our beds. +he toilet at the far left corner of the room is shrouded with a blac- curtain. +he most intimate and socially fragile moment of the day) for (eorge and me) is complying with a bowl mo*ement -nowing your farts can be heard by another person who may also be forced to smell your shit. +herefore) when one of us needs to crap) the other one listens to music on headphones. 0s far as the smell) we strictly obey the courtesy flush# while the crap is airborne on its way to the bottom of the bowl) already our right hand is pushing on the le*er. +he suction is good and the crap disappears Auic-ly) most times before the smell can permeate) though it sometimes lea*es a residue that is bloc-ed by the cordoning curtain) and hardly e*er sweeps to in*ade the rest of the cell. (eorge says prison food is sprin-led with powder to mas- the smell of shit) and he may be right) I don't -now) ne*er loo-ed into it. I'll find out soon) though) because (eorge) who needs to a*oid the dining room9too many hateful eyes9has recently recei*ed permission to coo- in the cell. 5e'*e been gi*en a hotplate and a bo7y refrigerator. I'm not sure how cell coo-ing is going to wor- out. I li-e prison food) maybe loc-ed up too long to -now better) but it sits well in my gut. Fy bowls mo*e with ease and purpose. (eorge says he's going to coo- up a storm and that I'll change my dietary habits in no time. (eorge is a lan-y fellow with a long face and wide ears and big brown eyes filled with compassion. He's completely bald and has thin yet muscular arms capped by

G calloused fingers trained to build or fi7 most anything. He's fifty6one and has been my cellmate for two years. He ser*ed time in another prison but was transferred after an attac- by an inmate almost -illed him. I'*e been in for almost eight years. 5e -now each other's life story pretty well) though (eorge -nows mine in greater detail than I -now his. I'm more of the tal-er9 lying on the bed) staring at the ceiling) while (eorge is the willing listener who offers ad*ice) though he's been -nown to gush a few times) which is fine by me. B B B

10

0pril 2=

I wouldn't be writing this diary were it not for the spar-le in 3ulie's blue eyes when she said I should write) almost insisted in her e*er6so6gentle ways. I plan to do so because I lo*e her and -now her aim is true. (eorge read the first chapter and snic-ered. 1 o that's when you &er- off42 1+oo much information42 I as-ed. 1"o)2 he said. 13ulie will li-e it) but than-s for not ma-ing me watch.2 1<ou wish.2 He handed me the noteboo-. 1,eep it up. 5hen's the last time anyone felt bad about -eeping a diary42 1<ou ha*e a tendency to repeat yourself)2 I said. 1"o I don't) no I don't.2

(eorge's fa*orite boo- is 0 Confederacy of @unces) by 3, +oole. Fy cellmate simply can't ha*e enough of the destiny car*ed in the name of the writer# 3ohn ,ennedy. (eorge insists that the 1GC3 assassination of 3$, was the decapitation of the 0merican @ream. +he bad guys won) and no Carter) Clinton or 8bama could change that9too many roads not ta-en) too far gone down the *orte7 of collapsing dominoes. I'm not as negati*e as (eorge but suffice to say we're both in prison for crimes we didn't commit9helpless pawns in a &udiciary system gone mad in its per*erse Auest

11 to punish rather than nourish) sla*ed to ci*il rule that has lost its moral and ethical compass or possibly ne*er had one.

(eorge is accused) con*icted and sentenced ten years) for one of the most odious and reprehensible crimes# He molested a ten6year6old girl. Her name was Candice. I'*e ne*er met Candice) and I feel so sorry for what she's been through) but I can uneAui*ocally state that (eorge ne*er molested anyone. 5hy he ended up &udged and punished) is criminal. I face that same fate as to my own sentence.

<ou may as- why I'm so sure (eorge is innocent) and I'll answer from the depth of my gut# I could ne*er share a cell with a child molester) not because I hate them9I try not to) as molestation is always pregnant with molestation9the circles that ne*er close9 but because I can't understand the hopelessness that leads to perpetuating the disgrace. 5hen (eorge first entered the cell soon to be our communal habitat) I loo-ed in his eyes and I didn't blin-. He didn't either) soft brown eyes assuring# I ne*er hurt anyone) much less a ten6year6old girl. I belie*ed him) and I still do. +here are details to his saga) and I'm trying to find time to write about what happened to him) but whether I do or don't) let there be no doubt# (eorge is innocent.

+he details of my crime are easier to share# I was inebriated when I was attac-ed by another man. 5hy I was in such a state I will e7plain later. I'm accused of -illing that man) but that isn't true. 0s he swung at me) he slipped and fell and hit the bac- of his

12 head and crac-ed his s-ull on the wet pa*ement. I &ust stood there li-e a tree trun-) arms da>ed by my side) brain dense with wet towels) but e*en had I been utterly sober) I wouldn't ha*e struc- him or anyone) ne*er ha*e) not in my nature. +rue) there was blood on my hands when the police arri*ed) but I was trying to re*i*e him. His name was imon Preston) a twenty6fi*e year old loser and pimp. I'd been angry with him) hated him) but ne*er wished him dead. I'*e appealed my case three times only to be rebuffed by the prosecutor who insists I hit imon and caused his death) but that's a lie) a simplistic caricature of circumstantial e*idence padded with a sha-y moti*e. "o one belie*es me) e*en my old and trusted lawyer) .e*ine) who win-ed at me when we entered the courtroom. 1 o you let him ha*e it) I -now it was impulsi*e) that's why you're not on death row. econd degree deal) eight years and you're out. If you let this go to trial you're fuc-ed.2 I whispered) 1I didn't do it.2 .e*ine lowered soft puffy blue eyes and blin-ed slowly. 1+a-e the plea) or I walout.2 o I did) and .e*ine's ad*ice was probably right) not because I'd done anything wrong) but because the system is so down the slippery slope of incrimination and incarceration) that all I could do was grab onto a passing branch to na*igate me through the legal whitewater currents bent on drowning me if I chose to loo- a &ury in the eye. ometimes I wish I'd done so9stare at my accusers and wince with contempt) then looup at the &urors and slowly sha-e my head9incredulous9and sigh with childish innocence;.for I am innocent. B B B

13

0pril 2?

I wo-e up and fed Faurice a breadcrumb. He's the latest daddy6long6legs to inhabit the web stretched across the upper right corner of the cell abo*e the sin-. +he web) there when I first entered the cell almost eight years ago) has housed forty6two spiders. I'*e ta-en time to document in writing each one of them9name) how big the body) how long the spidery limbs) how they maintained the web) and how long they li*ed. Fethuselah is the ro*ing name gi*en to the longest sur*i*or. Currently) the title belongs to a stoc-y lad who dwelt in the web for eighteen days. +hat was about two years ago. I'd named him olomon when he first mo*ed into the web) but he rose from obscurity to claim the longe*ity title. @addy6long6legs H@..I don't die in the web) not sure why) but they lea*e) li-e elephants staggering to some burial ground. I'll find their dehydrated shells on the cell floor) a parcel away from the web) li-e they tried to outrun death) crawling away as Auicas possible before eternity closes in. I'*e grown to lo*e and respect @..) the unobtrusi*e creature who says) 1.et me build a web in the corner and I promise to lea*e you alone;you won't e*en -now I'm here.2 +he web remains after the spider departs on its death march. 0 flutter of abandoned web can languish for wee-s) when) out of nowhere) a spider crawls to replenish and reinforce the fortress. +he web ne*er disintegrates completely. @.. -now

1= that) are guided to the web li-e almon swimming upstream to spawning grounds. I'*e ne*er seen two @.. together. I don't -now if the nesting are male or female. How they arri*e at my cell is also a mystery9marching to the blustery chorus of e*olutionary trumpets. %ach spider adds to the web's history. +he web is a womb the spiders labor to maintain with true de*otion. ome editions last longer than others) but the intent is the same9lea*e a legacy for the ne7t generation. I en&oy watching a @.. resting in the web. +hey're still for so long) thin limbs attached to air alone) silently ali*e in suspended animation.

+oday) as I write) I may be witnessing the change of guards in regards to the elder of elders9Fethuselah. +he current tenant) Faurice) has been coddled in the web for se*enteen days9a day short of the last elder who set the record two years ago. Faurice loo-s healthy. He crawls the web often) long thin legs *ibrating slightly) ta-es time to pat the tiny crumbs I sprin-le in the stic-y net. In twel*e hours he will claim the title. I'm positi*e he will outli*e all other @.. who'd come and gone. 0 spider li*ing one more day is li-e a person li*ing an e7tra fi*e years. +hey li*e in the web for an a*erage of twel*e days9a disturbing way to e*aluate a lifespan. I suppose that a redwood tree9li*ing for millennia9sees the human lifespan as paltry and unsatisfying9much the way I *iew a spider's longe*ity. 1.onge*ity is in the eyes of the beholder)2 (eorge said. 1 piders aren't aware of time li-e we are.2

1? 1How do you -now) Fister pider42 I as-ed. 1+hey build webs following the laws of physics) li-e an engineer designing a bridge. 0nd they sense death. +hat's why they lea*e the web.2 1+hat's instinct) not intelligence)2 (eorge said. He was lying na-ed on his bed) lan-y torso glistening with sweat beads entangled in his chest hair much li-e a moth gets trapped in the @.. web. Foths) the really tiny ones) maybe a tenth of an inch) are the only prey helpless to escape the web. 0 larger moth will escape) fluttering wings and sometimes inflicting considerable damage on the web. Compared to a moth9ali*e for 2= hours9the @..'s 12 days are almost an eternity. How a moth ends up in the cell is as big a mystery as how a @.. shows up. 5e ha*e no rats or mice) no coc-roaches) tic-s) flies) nor fleas. 8nly a few times did I find a tiny ant crawling the cell floor li-e a man dying of thirst staggering through the ahara at high noon) not an oasis in sight. 1Faybe it's instinct) maybe something more)2 I said and sat up on my bed. 1I'm going to lunch and then to the yard. "eed anything42 (eorge wiped his shoulders with a towel. 1Fil- would be nice.2 18-ay)2 I said and got dressed9blue &eans) a white t6shirt and brown leather sandals. I bu>>ed the gray button by the door and loo-ed up at the camera swer*ing at the top left corner. +he door bu>>ed. I wal-ed out to the long narrow corridor lit with dim neon) turned left and wal-ed down a tempered slope until I reached the dining room9 gymnasium6li-e and fit to ser*e =00 inmates. +he &ail is small by today's standards9 mega &ails built to hoard thousands of dim and abused young men *ictimi>ed by

1C abandonment and the moral disintegration of society's responsibility;.but I already said that.

+he dining room smelled of mashed potatoes and fried chic-en. Fy stomach rumbled with e7citement. +uesday's menu was my fa*orite. I got in line cafeteria style and listened to the &abber of fellow inmates9mostly .atino and !lac- men in their twenties. I'm completely ignored almost all the time9a chubby middle6aged white guy with a deeply wrin-led forehead and blue eyes reAuesting solitude. In the years spent in &ail) I'*e ne*er been accosted by another inmate. $ew spea- to me) and when they do) it's without malice. Prison) li-e all wal-s of life) is rife with ageism9I'm bro-e and boo-ish and too old to be a threat and thus am relegated to serfdom. ometimes) when I'm really depressed) I wish to stride up to one of the metal tables and slam down my aluminum food tray and growl) 1Fotherfuc-ers feed us this crap cause they wanna see us dead. .et's -ill'em before they -ill us.2 +hen I raise my arms and shout. 1(i*e me freedom or gi*e me death.2 +he mob roars in appro*al and slams its trays on the table and yells) 1(i*e me freedom) motherfuc-er) or gi*e me death.2 Hearing the chorus of discontent) scores of &ail guards armed to the teeth storm the dining room with teargas and rubber bullets) and sturdy batons they slam into our -idneys;.

+ray stac-ed with fried chic-en and mashed potatoes) I wal-ed to a table at the far left corner of the room) where two other men sat. 8ne was 3oey) a-a +he Haw-) a short s-inny bald Irish guy in his fifties) restless light6green eyes li-e a cornered cat. He's in

1E for counterfeit chec-s. His cellmate is !ig Pete) an obese older blac- man in for second degree murder. I li-e Pete. He's a teddy bear. 3oey held up the sports section from the +ribune. +he caption read# Is it time for a new winner4 15hat's that42 I as-ed in &est and sat down) tray steaming with my stomach's delight. He'd started up with the horse thing a couple of days ago. 1<ou -now what it is)2 3oey said. 15e're all getting out soon) and we'll need cash on the outside.2 He wa*ed the picture of a slender blac- and white horse. 1He's gonna ma-e it happen. +hey don't call me +he Haw- for nothing. I see from way abo*e. He's gonna win.2 I bit through a &uicy drumstic- and) consumed with meaty &oy) muttered) 15hate*er.2 3oey folded the newspaper and sho*ed it in his bac- poc-et. 1<ou're not ready to listen) not ready to do right by 3ulie.2 He pointed at me. 1<ou're gonna get married) need a place to li*e. <ou thin- anyone on the outside gi*es a shit about you4 <ou gotta co*er your ass) man) or they'll eat you up.2 His restless eyes widened. 10gain.2 I stuffed my mouth with buttery mashed potatoes and loo-ed up at Pete) whose gummy &owls chewed patiently on a piece of chic-en. 15hat's he tal-ing about42 1He's tal-in about bettin on a horse)2 Pete said9deep6brown eyes still blessed with a curious child. I ne*er see him angry) upset perhaps) but ne*er angry. 3oey gets angry for both of them. I wiped the grease from my mouth) ears ringing with the con*ersations echoing the dining room9a deep and layered murmur rising and falling with laughter and cuss

1D words) the clatter of trays and sil*erware) the tribal need to share and communicate and a*oid the cosmic silence of death. I wiped the grease off my fingers and shoo- my head. 1I'm not betting on a horse) and e*en if I wanted to) I'd ha*e to as- 3ulie and she'd ne*er go for it.2 3oey snorted. 1(o hide behind mama's apron. I'm bettin all I ha*e) gonna sell e*erything and beg and borrow) cause chances li-e this come once in a lifetime.2 He always brimmed with schemes and marginal ideas) but I'd ne*er seen him this e7cited. I loo-ed at Pete and raised my brow. 1Is he serious4 I could try to stop him from losing his ass but he won't listen to me. 0re you going to stop him42 1"ot sure)2 Pete said in his gra*ely baritone and drummed his sausage fingers on the metal table. 1Faybe I want in. omethin' telling me he ain't as dumb as you loo-.2 1(o ahead)2 I said and slid my forefinger across the tray to scoop up the last morsels of gra*y soa-ed mashed potatoes. 1<our chance of losing is almost certain.2 10lmost my ass)2 3oey said and raised his s-inny arms. 1I'm Haw-. I'm gonna win.2 I pointed to the one chic-en wing left on his tray. 1<ou going to eat that) Haw-42 1<eah) I'm gonna eat that.2 He grinned and bit healthy teeth into the wing. 1He's a nice loo-in horse)2 Pete said and pushed aside his empty tray. 1Probably runs li-e the wind.2 I stood up. 1If you say so. <ou guys coming out to the yard42 Pete stro-ed his large belly. 1I'm ready for a nap.2 1I'm going to run numbers)2 3oey said) 1so I can call my in*estors about ,arao-e.2

1G I laughed. 15hy would anyone name a horse ,arao-e42 1It's a great name) dumbass2 3oey said. 1It means he can win anywhere) on any surface) you -now) li-e a -arao-e machine plays any -ind of music.2 I nodded. 1I retract my criticism. ,arao-e is a great name.2 1(o ahead) ma-e fun)2 said the s-inny bald man. 1I'll be laughing all the way to the ban-.2 1How's your spider42 as-ed Pete. I raised a thumb. 1Faurice has one more day to brea- the record and ta-e o*er the name Fethuselah.2 3oey smac-ed his forehead. 1I'm offering you lifetime security and you're worried about some stupid spider trying to li*e another day4 5hat the fuc-) man42 Pete smiled and patted 3oey's scrawny shoulder. 1.ea*e him be) he of little faith.2 +he duo wa*ed goodbye and wal-ed off) Pete's huge ass shuddering in gray sweats) 3oey's bony butt clad in tight &eans. I wal-ed the other way) through a tunnel that led to the prison yard. B B B

+he prison yard is a large swath of sandy dirt) wor-6out stations at the corners. "othing grows in the yard) not a blade of grass or e*en a thorny bush) but in the distance 9beyond the tall wire fence9I see oa- trees and rolling hills strewn with dry brush. +he hills bloom for si7 wee-s from early Farch and are -nee6deep in grass swaying in the bree>e) but the sun beats down on the grassy dance and cho-es the life out of each blade. +he oa-s) sturdy and defiant) sAuint at the sun and grin) Jshow me what you got.' +he sun

20 showers the oa-s with si>>ling rays) but the oa-s stretch and lengthen their roots li-e a boy on his toes reaching for the coo-ie &ar) and find moisture deep in the ground. <ear in year out the sun and oa-s battle) and e*en though the outcome is -nown9the oa- dies and the sun li*es for another billion years) the battle is nonetheless dignified) the oasur*i*ing for centuries) scraping and clawing) which got me thin-ing about Faurice9 now wea*ing his web for se*enteen days and confidently on his way to inherit the legacy of Fethuselah;. +a-en with the spider's fight for the tric-le of time) much li-e the oa-'s battle with the sun) I wanted to return to the cell and watch the @.. crash through the time barrier set by the best before him) but I also cra*ed the hot sun and the bright s-y and the mo*ing air. o I did what I do for twenty minutes most e*ery day9lie on the ground by the push6up bars) cradle my nec- with my palms and shut my eyes) listen to the bree>e and feel sunrays tic-le my chee-s.

I returned to my cell and wal-ed to the right upper corner. Faurice was not in the web. I sAuinted in disbelief and slowly mo*ed my head left and right) loo-ing for the @@. who surely was there) but he wasn't. I turned to (eorge9lying in his bun- and reading a boo-9and) a Aui*er in my *oice) as-ed) 15here's Faurice42 (eorge loo-ed up from the page. 1I don't -now.2 He wouldn't -now because he didn't ta-e great interest in my @@. fi7ation) though he always patiently listened to my reflections about my spidery buddies.

21 I cupped my palms up to the web. 1He was here an hour ago.2 Fy eyes darted from the web to the walls to the floor. Faurice had fallen to the floor and was somewhere in the cell. I needed to find him but (od forbid I step on him. I set my -nees and palms on the floor and lumbered across the cell floor and loo-ed o*er each sAuare inch in search of mo*ement9searching for Faurice) but Faurice had *anished. 0s I crawled the cell floor I wondered if) maybe) hadn't I sunned in the yard) I could'*e been there to help;.. .aden with grief) I reclined in my bun- and stared at the ceiling. 1He's gone.2 1I'm sorry)2 (eorge said) and he was) to the best of his ability.

+he web was empty) and I mourned Faurice) but I'll admit to finding relati*e peace within the hour# I had done my best to facilitate Faurice and all other @@. gracious enough to drop in. I ne*er too- any of them for granted) de*eloped a -een understanding of what helped them sur*i*e) cheered on each and e*eryone of them regardless if they li*ed a day. 5hat is the measure of time to *alidate or in*alidate anything4 Faurice was gone) and with him was probably the last chance for me to eclipse the longe*ity winner# Fethuselah a-a olomon) the sturdy chap who'd come through two years bac-9a sly and cunning competitor more ahead of his @arwinist times than I'd imagined. 1How's the prison yard42 (eorge as-ed. 1+he sun felt good) the hills are drying up) but the oa- trees are doing o-ay.2 1"o green grass left42 1I didn't loo- real close but I didn't see any.2

22 (eorge needs to -eep trac- of the grassy hills much li-e I yearn to raise my @@.'s. He can't safely hang out in the yard) and it's my duty to describe the changing landscape. 8ne thing all inmates agree on) is that child molesters are scum and should be reminded *iolently of the scum they are) and that if the harsh paybac- results in death) well so be it. (eorge is designated to his cell but for three showers a wee- when) under the watchful eye of guards) he ta-es thirty minutes to groom. o far) about two years) it's been o-ay. I trust the guards only because the fascist apparatus inmates are sub&ect to applies also to the cogs9clinically sadistic who'd lo*e to car*e (eorge up9who are super*ised by the *ery cameras watching e*eryone9inmate) guard or *isitor. +he prison brass needs to -eep doing business. 0 murdered inmate) e*en if a child molester) is really bad for business. 1+he oa- trees loo- good42 1+hey loo- great) thic- canopy of green lea*es. 5e had good rains this winter) plenty water in the ground.2 (eorge sighed) 1 ounds good. 8a- trees are ma&estic. How was the fried chic-en42 1(reat.2 I rubbed my content stomach. 13oey and Pete o-ay42 1<es and no. 3oey's wants to bet e*erything he has on some horse called ,arao-e.2 1(reat name)2 (eorge said. 1He can win on any turf.2 1+hat's what 3oey said) but I didn't get it off the bat.2

23 1+ell me more about the horse)2 (eorge said. 1I don't -now. 3oey had an article in the paper) but he's cra>y.2 1Cra>y li-e a fo7)2 my cellmate said) an e7citement in his *oice I didn't recogni>e. 15hy do you say that42 1Can you imagine betting on a horse) ha*ing your whole future controlled by his speedy hoo*es4 0nd then he wins) his success is yours. <ou trusted him to win.2 I shrugged. 1I lo*e horses) but all this breeding to ma-e them run faster is warped. 5hy does a nanosecond ha*e to decide which horse is better4 +hey're all great.2 1+hey are. I thin- the horses are lo*ed by those who raise them) for the most part.2 1I don't li-e it)2 I said. 1+hey turn them into machines.2 1I see your point)2 (eorge said) 1but I also thin- it's o-ay to breed and train horses to run as fast as they can. Horses lo*e to run.2 1I suppose)2 said I) reminded of Faurice who'd *anished but an hour ago. I cared for him and he was only a @@.. I tried to imagine someone raising an intelligent and lo*ing animal li-e a horse) deep6brown eyes filled with grace and wisdom. 1Faybe 3oey's on to something)2 (eorge said. 1Can I read the article he showed you42 18-ay)2 I said) and turned to face the wall) tired of the day9fried chic-en) 3oey and ,arao-e) Faurice) dry grass9and shut my eyes and saw 3ulie's chubby palm pressed against the thic- glass separating us) but only for ten more days) when we ha*e our first pri*ate *isit....

2=

0pril 2C

+he story of &ilted lo*e is as common as a stuffy nose in @ecember yet that doesn't ma-e it easier on the lo*er isolated in their heartache. +he pits of hell are a chilly autumn day compared to the si>>ling inferno of a once glamorous now one6sided lo*e affair. 3ealousy and anger) regret and despair consume the poor soul cast aside li-e another used mattress. 3ilted lo*ers are rudderless and tra*erse desperate emotional seas yearning to drown their dignity. he spelled her name Kee) from Kanessa) and I had no right to fall in lo*e with her. $or one) she was only twenty years old and twenty years my &unior) and if that wasn't enough warning) then the fading scars on her arms and thighs should ha*e been ample reason for me to wal- away) to a*oid her pain9one I couldn't comprehend. Kanessa said that) as a young teenager) she'd cut herself with ra>or blades. 1It helped the numbness in my heart) that feeling something9e*en pain stained with blood 9is better than feeling nothing.2 Kanessa was fair6s-inned with thic- blac- hair and deep6dar- eyes) and a wide lower lip I lo*ed to cradle when we -issed. he was long legged and slender) with small breasts and tender pin- nipples. Her face was round) her nose a bit longer than one would e7pect) and she leaned slightly to the right when she wal-ed) didn't trust her balance to learn to ride a bi-e.

2? 8ur affair lasted only two months) but it wasn't really an affair. I was so infatuated and smitten that I attributed to Kanessa feelings toward me that she ne*er had. he li-ed me) thought I was a -ind man) confided in me9the harsh childhood of an abandoned toddler raised in foster homes) the se7ual and *erbal abuse) the runaway years and drug use) the se7ual promiscuity in search for someone who ga*e a damn. I was an adult willing to listen) perhaps offer balanced ad*ice) and she showed her affection when we made lo*e9nine times in all9when she'd arch her bac- and coo lightly while I lapped the nectar between her thighs. 5e met at a boo-store on a blustery 3anuary afternoon. Her bac- turned on me) Kanessa was leaning against a boo-shelf and reading a boo-. 0 cotton maroon dress reached her an-les and white snea-ersL a red scarf wrapped around her shoulders. I wal-ed by and saw she was reading a boo- I'd recently read) Shes Come Undone) one craftily worded but also a story I found sensationalist is its sub&ect matter) how the writer9a man9seemed almost gleeful to e7ploit the imaginary sufferings of a thirteen year old girl) sub&ecting her to rape and other *ile e*ents in pursuit of tugging at the reader's heart. 1<ou li-e it42 I heard myself as- and pointed to the boo-. Kanessa loo-ed up and smiled. 1"ot sure.2 I witnessed her dar- eyes) intelligent and pained) and her white smile) girl and woman) and the shrug of her slender shoulders. 1I found it a bit harsh)2 I said. 1Can't imagine a teenager ha*ing to suffer li-e that.2

2C 1It happens)2 Kanessa said) high6pitched and soft *oice certain with wisdom beyond her years.

Kanessa could read a =00 page boo- in a day. Her intelligence capti*ated me) how simple it was to con*erse with her) how she ne*er used the fillers) Jyou -now' and Jli-e.' Kanessa had a measured and rich *ocabulary. he wrote sublime poetry) rolling sentences filled with symbolism and bouncy rhythm) li-e a flat roc- s-ipping o*er a la-e's calm surface. I fell in lo*e with her loo-s but more so with her mind and more than anything) with her scars) her pain9how someone could be so beautiful inside and out. 5as I smart to fall in lo*e with Kanessa4 "o) as doing so lead to my incarceration. @id I ha*e the choice4 "o. I still maintain that Kanessa's grace and compassion run deep) that all le*el headed men find her irresistible. ome may say I'm a pathetic e7ample of a middle6aged man obsessed with a young woman. I disagree. I wasn't obsessed with Kanessa. I was in lo*e with her. I'd ha*e married her and stayed faithful to her till my dying breath) cra*ed to ha*e babies with her) ne*er tire of showering her with gifts. I was in lo*e with her eternal soul) a lo*e that ne*er fades and is ne*er tarnished) but a lo*e that rarely sur*i*es in the rough and mur-y world built by who -nows who;. ;.and the morning came when) after calling and emailing Kanessa for a wee-) to no a*ail) I recei*ed the email that stated# Dear Ben I will write you soon; please know that I will and try to understand. I'm sorry for this, but I need a break ri ht now. I'll

2E write and e!plain soon. I promise that I will. "now that I am wishin you the #ery best. $ee he ne*er did write to e7plain) but to e7pect that was li-e grabbing onto a deeply rotting branch to sa*e you when you're submerged to the chest in Auic-sand. "othing ma-es one stronger than lo*e reciprocated) and nothing wea-ens the heart more than the helpless sensation that one isn't lo*ed anymore. +he person I cra*ed to spend e*ery second of each wa-ing or sleeping hour with) wasn't interested in doing the same) had mo*ed on) without malice) not because a fight had bro-en out) not tainted with infidelity) nothing but the inherent need for change9a brilliant and scarred young woman in search of her future9one only briefly tied to mine. I sat at my des- and stared at the screen. $orlorn as can be) I -new my life had changed fore*er. I had no idea how to fend off the tsunami of thought and emotion washing o*er my heart) my soul) my brain and bones) each breath stabbed with the enchanting woman who'd ne*er again *isit and watch mo*ies and discuss boo-s) ne*er recite me her latest poem) ne*er coo softly when I dran- her nectar. 0 hurricane swirled in my brain. +he world) plagued with famine and drought) greed and *iolence) couldn't care less) and I understood that but) still) I was crushed. o I decided;

1<ou'*e been writing for a good hour)2 (eorge said. 15riting about Kanessa.2 1+he eternal muse.2

2D 1<es) but I lo*e 3ulie now. I really do. +he heartbrea- with Kanessa taught me a lot about lo*e.2 15riting about anything ne*er hurt anyone)2 (eorge said. 1How would you -now42 I as-ed. 1<ou ne*er write.2 He shrugged. 1+here's nothing I can say better than the ones who said so before me. I wish I felt otherwise and could write the ne7t great 0merican no*el.2 15hate*er)2 I said) Auite satisfied with the *erbal outpour I'd etched on the pages in my &ournal. 5hat would I do if Kanessa appeared through the mist of years and wanted my company4 +o entertain that thought was delusional. I did not wish for that. Kanessa flashing through my life was an emotional watershed) one wise to teach me about the depths of lo*e9empty and full) lonely and crowded) tearful and grateful) the rapid heartbeat;..stripped down until nothing remains but the soul facing frosty winds sweeping across a massi*e iceberg while the northern lights dance on the humungous can*as9the s-y;it was time to escape into sleep;. B B B %ager to use the hot plate we'd recently recei*ed from the powers that be) (eorge wo-e up at si7 and coo-ed scrambled eggs and $rench toast. I was ser*ed brea-fast in bed. 1<ou li-e it42 he as-ed) standing o*er me li-e a concerned parent. I chewed on the $rench toast. 1I do)2 and I did) though I also missed the margarine soa-ed hash browns ser*ed in the prison mess hall.

2G I loo-ed up to the empty web. Faurice hadn't returned. I crawled on all four and too- a long while to search the cell floor for his dehydrated shell) but found nothing. 5ould another spider wal- through the walls to claim the longe*ity title4

(eorge and I too- turns listening to music on the headphones while the other e7ercised the courtesy flush. +hen (eorge settled into reading Proust) whose writing I couldn't stand) and I too- considerable time to do 100 pushups and 200 sit6ups9my new regimen in search for a less flabby body as I awaited the pri*ate *isit with 3ulie. I wasn't proud of my hefty self) but I too- per*erse solace in the fact that 3ulie was also on the hea*y side and that we both swore to lose weight. (eorge lay Proust on the floor and too- to -nitting9an acti*ity he found meditati*e and trans6li-e in its figure6eight motion. He had many balls of wool9red and yellow) s-y6blue) white and light6green) and blac-9and -nitted shawls and scar*es) which he sent to his three nieces who li*ed in Connecticut. It was funny to see the lan-y man with the thic- fingers maneu*er the thin rods with an e7pert touch Auic- enough to challenge any toothless granny roc-ing in her chair on the porch at twilight.

It was time for me to go to the dining room for 5ednesday lunch9burgers and dogs) fries and *anilla ice cream9an acceptable menu if not e7emplary li-e the +uesday selection of fried chic-en and mashed potatoes. I rose from my lethargy and got dressed. (eorge lay down his -nitting rods. 1Can you ha*e 3oey gi*e you the article about the horse42

30 18-ay)2 I said and yawned) not thrilled to hear 3oey brag about ,arao-e) the horse who could) but loo-ing forward to the hum of a hundred *oices echoing off the high dining room ceiling) li-e a beehi*e at the height of spring.

3oey's pointy chin and restless eyes were an eagle swooping down on its prey9a lowly field mouse unaware of the looming shadow. 1I got fifty grand riding on ,arao-e) and I still ha*e four days to sell the bet.2 He raised two bony fingers. 1+wo lawyers) ten each) and I got an accountant that wants in for twenty.2 Pete chewed slowly on his dog and) in his smooth !arry 5hite baritone) assured me) 1It's for real.2 15hat's for real42 I as-ed and pic-ed the pic-les out from the burger) pic-les that should be abolished and their creators brought to &ustice. 1<ou're betting on a fuc-ing horse.2 3oey wa*ed a scrawny arm. 1$uc- you.2 1(eorge as-ed to borrow the article)2 I said and dipped three fries in -etchup. 3oey sat up. 1How come42 I shrugged. 1I thin- he li-es horses) how they run.2 1$uc-in right)2 3oey cried and smac-ed his open palm on the table. 1I li-e how horses run.2 1:ight)2 I said and chewed a mouth filled with fries. 1.i-e you gi*e a shit how they run. 5hy are you so frea-ed out about that horse4 It's a mirage man) which is o-ay) e7cept you're dealing with real cash.2

31 1He needs to do this)2 Pete said. 1I'm going in for a thousand) half my sa*ings.2 He pointed to 3oey. 1He wants me to) so I gotta trust him) figure he'd ne*er wish me harm. He's my friend. Faybe its (od's way of as-ing my forgi*eness for what he put me through) for what happened to me.2 3oey pulled out the article from his bac- poc-et and placed it on the table. 1Ha*e (eorge chec- it out.2 His pointy -nuc-les trotted on the metal table. 10nd I don't need your money.2 1$ine by me)2 I said and placed the article in my bac- poc-et. 1<ou're not getting my money. I wish you the best) but I thin- it's going to end up bad.2 1$ine by me)2 said he9the e7asperated prophet who'd *aliantly stood on the mountain top and tirelessly preached his rough6nec-ed floc- to sway from sin) and who now was done coa7ing anyone to do anything. I was getting really tired of his shit.

I wal-ed out to the prison yard and lay in the dirt and was caressed by the sun. I watched the oa- trees and tried to soa- the sturdy melancholy found in a the trun-s perched on a hill strewn with dead grass *ibrant only two wee-s ago) grass e7ecuted) a genocide by the lethal sun9an o*en washing o*er to decapitate any blade left standing.

!ac- in cell 10C (eorge was busy ma-ing a salad. His chopping9Auic- and measured9reminded me of his -nitting9how big fingers aren't too big to handle subtlety. I placed the newspaper article on his bed. 13oey can be pushy sometimes.2

32 1He sure can)2 (eorge said. 15ould you li-e a salad42 1"ot right now. I'm full.2 1I'll sa*e you a plate.2 1+hat sounds good.2

(eorge too- time to read and then placed the article on his stomach. 1I want in.2 .ying on my bed and drifting in the romantic cloud of 3ulie's impending *isit) I sat up. 15hat42 1Put me down for two thousand. 0ctually) maybe more but I need to tal- to 3oey first.2 1(eorge) what's going on42 +he lan-y man curled his lips and shrugged. 1He's going to win.2

I was besieged. +wo people I li-ed and respected9my cellmate (eorge) and !ig Pete9had fallen into an irrational fog and were content) nay) almost giggly) to ris- their fortunes on a silly horse they'd ne*er seen9a blurry photo at the bottom right corner of page two in section @. 1$ine)2 I said. 1,noc- yourself out.2 1Faybe we can tal- to the warden about 3oey and Pete coming to our cell)2 (eorge said. 1He let us do it once. I'll coo- dinner.2 He sounded li-e an impatient housewife eager to share her culinary s-ills. 1I'll see what I can do.2 I sounded li-e the irate husband crowded by family. I faced the wall) curled my legs to my hips. 1I'm going to nap.2

33 (eorge said) 1.uc-y guy. I wish I could nap li-e you.2 I mumbled) 1I -now) you'*e said it a hundred times.2 B B B

3=

0pril 2E

1+he machine swallows e*erything)2 were the first words (eorge said when we met two years ago. +hat happened after I'd been notified I'd be sharing my cell with a child molester) and after I watched the man enter the cell) his eyes) clear as a spring bree>e) insisting# I could ne*er harm any girl) e*er) not in my nature. +he authorities departed. (eorge sat on the spare bun-) palms open wide) and said) 1+he machine swallows e*erything.2 1<ou didn't do it42 I as-ed. "o. o why are you here4 5hy are you here4 +hey say I -illed a man. @id you4 "o. o why are you here4 I shrugged. 1!ecause the machine swallows e*erything.2 (eorge smiled and reached out a large palm and calloused fingertips. 1I'm eternally grateful that you belie*e I'm innocent.2 1I do)2 I'd said at the time) and I still do. (eorge and me share a great deal9 accused and incarcerated for crimes we didn't commit. <ou) on the outside) who may

3? read these lines) cannot fathom being loc-ed in a windowless cell for no reason. I can't e7pect you to understand) but my lament is nonetheless profound. (eorge's lament is more profound. 0ll I'm accused of is -illing a man in a fit of &ealousy) while (eorge is a child molester9a stigma rotting with the worst of humanity.

Candice 3ones) a thin and frec-ly blond girl with brown eyes) testified that# 1(eorge -issed me down there) and made me touch his penis.2 Her testament ne*er wa*ered throughout cross e7amination) though that was paltry at best9what public defender in his right mind would place a little girl on the witness stand and as-) 15hat did his penis loo- li-e4 0ny identifying features42 1I was doing a &ob) landscaping a bac-yard)2 (eorge said on the first night of the day we met) after unpac-ing his bag and ma-ing his bed. 1I met the neighbor) .ouise) about forty) a few e7tra pounds but se7y) and seemed nice enough. he wal-ed across the yard and ga*e me ice tea) said she made it with lemons from the tree in her yard. he li-ed me) and I li-ed her) but she was also a little off) tal-ing about magnets and el*es. he had a daughter) Candice) really nice -id) smart) and she li-ed me9the semblance of the father she ne*er had9and I li-ed her9the reflection of the daughter I'd ne*er had. %*erything was great for about four months) and then .ouise wanted to get married) and I wasn't sure) well) I was sure# I didn't want to get married. 5e had a huge fight9 screaming and brea-ing stuff. he was really pissed) hated me) said all I wanted was se7. +hat wasn't true) but I didn't want to get married either. he slapped me and -ic-ed me out of her house. +hat was fine by me. +wo wee-s later the cops show up at my apartment and ta-e me to &ail on the charge I'd molested Candice. "o one wanted to

3C listen to my side of the story) and I had no money) and the wimpiest public defender9a pimply -id right out of law school. I wanted a woman to represent me. I'd loo- her in the eye and she'd -now I was innocent. +he trial happened Auic-ly. Candice too- the stand) dressed in a plaid s-irt) blonde hair in braids) and lied li-e an 8scar winning actress. Her mom had coached her well. I don't blame the -id. he was scared of her mom. .ouise had a temper you couldn't imagine. 5hen .ouise got mad) her eyes shone with cra>iness) and her testimony9Auiet and composed9was li-e stic-ing -ni*es in my bac- when she lowered her eyelids and whispered how she saw me trying to snea- into her daughters' room) and how that alerted her to the inconcei*able. 5hat a piece of wor-) but it's my fault for getting in*ol*ed with her. I -new .ouise was cra>y) but I ne*er imagined it going that bad. o the -id had no choice but to lie. I'm a solitary man. +he prosecutor used my solitude to portray me as a per*ert. "o one) &udge) lawyer) &ury nor the media wanted to ta-e sides with me9a pariah whose face is plastered on the si7 o'cloc- news while self6righteous citi>ens sha-e their heads in indignation and shrug with condemnation of me9the frea-.2 He sat on his bed and nodded bitterly. 1+he machine swallows e*erything) and it sure swallowed me.2 1I'm sorry)2 I'd said on that first night we met. 18ne day you'll be cleared. +he truth always comes out.2 1+he truth doesn't always come out)2 (eorge said and) with a deep sigh) lay on the bed. 1<ou say you're innocent. I don't see the truth helping you.2 1I'll be cleared one day)2 I said) though at the time I didn't belie*e that.

3E I met 3ulie soon after) and the loo- in her eyes9one assuring my innocence9 helped me rise from *ictim to winner. IJd ne*er had met 3ulie were it not for my alleged crime of -illing imon. 5hat is Cosmic 3ustice4 5ho can decipher her patterns of wisdom and logic4 Fy answer is# "o one. B B B 5arden Holden was one of the most reasonable and understanding men I'd e*er met. 5hy he chose to be at the center of the ne*er ending saga of running a prison) was a Auestion I couldn't answer) e7cept to say that) were it not for 5arden Holden's pragmatism and moral clarity) the prison would'*e been much worse off. +he &oint was managed Auite well considering the budget and *olatile nature of its inhabitants. 5arden Holden li-ed me. 5e were of similar age and ethnic heritage) both o*erweight and balding men ne*er married and without -ids. +herefore) when I as-ed for a few minutes of his time) I didn't ha*e to wait but a few hours to be granted the inter*iew. 15hat is it42 he as-ed) par-ed behind his oa- des- and swaying in his leather chair. 1(eorge is reAuesting that 3oey and Pete be allowed to *isit our cell.2 15hy42 I shoo- my head. 1<ou don't want to -now.2 5arden Holden chuc-led. 1+hat may be true) but it's my &ob.2 I sat bac- in the chair facing his des- and sighed) 1+hey want to tal- about betting on a horse that's racing ne7t wee- at :oman (ardens.2

3D +he warden smiled through his thin lips. 1I lo*e that racetrac-) too- my -id nephew there last year. He was so e7cited to see the horses race.2 I rolled my eyes. 1 ounds li-e a lo*ely afternoon.2 1Is that 3oey's scam42 he as-ed. 1Is the Pope 3ewish42 5arden Holden thoughtfully massaged his nec-. 1@oes the horse ha*e a name42 1,arao-e.2 Holden wrin-led his bulbous nose. 1+hat's a weird name.2 1"o really)2 I said. 1It means he can run anywhere anytime) li-e a ,arao-e machine.2 +he warden's pale6blue eyes lit up. 1I ta-e bac- my criticism. ,arao-e is a great name for a horse. 0nd you thin- it's o-ay for 3oey and Pete to *isit your cell42 1<es) and than-s for the hotplate and refrigerator. It'll help (eorge get by. I was getting real tired of schlepping his meals from the mess hall.2 1<ou're welcome)2 5arden Holden said. 1<ou -now I still thin- (eorge did it.2 1<ou're wrong)2 I said. He sat up in his swi*el chair. 1I'm hardly e*er wrong.2 I stood up. 1Consider this one a hardly6e*er6wrong.2 1Kery well) !en)2 he said and stood up. 1<ou're almost done with your time) and in your case) I -now you didn't do it.2 1+han-s 5arden. +hat means a lot to me.2 He wal-ed me to his office door. 1<ou can ha*e the boys o*er at your cell tomorrow from D6G.2

3G 1+han- you) sir)2 I said and stepped o*er the threshold while he shut the door.

0 bearer of good news I returned to cell 10C. 15e can ha*e them o*er tomorrow night.2 15hat42 (eorge placed his -nitting rods in his lap and held open his wide palms. 1I don't ha*e what I need to coo- dinner.2 1@eal with it)2 I said. 1"o leg of lamb. I'll go to the dispensary and get what I can. Fa-e a list.2 0gain I was sounding terse) li-e I was hounded by unreasonable reAuests. "ow that (eorge got his way to ha*e guests for dinner) it was time for me to as- 3oey and Pete if they wanted to attend. 5hy was I the go6between with the 5arden and now 3oey and Pete4 !ecause some horse was racing somewhere I'd ne*er been or cared to *isit. I lay in my bun-. 1I'm going to ta-e a nap) and then I'll go to lunch. Pi>>a today) pretty good when it's from @ominos. I'll tal- to the other guys.2 1+han-s)2 (eorge said in the warm *oice I li-ed) one honest in gratitude) a calming sensibility about its midrange timber.

+wo hours later I wo-e up from the deep nap. +he re&u*enation stored in some afternoon naps is astounding. I wiped my torso and arms with a damp towel) and then dressed in gray cotton shorts and t6shirt9clothes to deflect the si>>ling sun. I loo-ed forward to dining on soggy pi>>a and watching the dead grass and the oa-s' green canopies flutter in the hot bree>e. 1I made a list)2 (eorge said and handed me a note and si7ty dollars.

=0 I loo-ed it o*er9*egetables and fruits and &ac- cheese) eggs) mil-) pasta) two cans of chic-en soup) orange &uice) and an assortment of candy bars. 1<um)2 I said in &est and rubbed my stomach. 1Casserole without an o*en)2 (eorge said with a hush) li-e he owned the secret recipe -nown only to witches and warloc-s lur-ing in dar- castles atop &agged wind swept mountain pea-s.

Fy tray stac-ed with fi*e slices of pi>>a) I wal-ed to the table at the far left corner of the dining room) where 3oey and Pete were seated. +he wiry hyper one glared at me and pursed his thin lipsL the large and stoic one shoo- his head lightly and pursed his thic- lips. I put the tray on the table. 15hat4 5hy are you loo-ing at me li-e that42 3oey placed his scrawny elbows on the table and leaned toward me. 1(uess where I'*e been today42 I bit into the soggy dough. 1I don't -now.2 1:eally4 5here ha*e you been today42 1+he 5arden's. He ga*e me permission for the four of us to ha*e dinner in our cell.2 1I -now that) asshole)2 3oey said and slammed a fist on the table. I wasn't scared of him) so didn't react e7cept loo- up at Pete and as-) 15hat the fuc- is wrong with him42 +he large "egro shoo- his round head. 1<ou really shouldn't ha*e.2 1 houldn't ha*e what42

=1 1+old 5arden about the horse.2 I too- another big soggy bite. 15hy not4 He needed to -now the purpose of the *isit.2 3oey threw up his s-inny arms. 1!ecause now he wants in.2 I stopped chewing. 1 ay what42 15arden wants in for fi*e grand.2 Pete shifted his large mass and farted a bassy rumble. 15arden wants to bet on the horse) digs the name ,arao-e) thin-s 3oey here is onto something) fi*e grand worth of something) and if the horse lose) who -nows what'll happen to 3oey cause 5arden lost his shirt.2 I watched the two men sAuirm with concern and felt a bit *indicti*e) dragged as I was through their greedy muc-) the stin-y swamp of men's desires. I grinned. 1!ut the horse is going to win) so all this 5arden crap doesn't matter. ,arao-e wins) e*eryone's happy they in*ested in 3oey's dream) and 5arden will gi*e us a day pass to the mo*ies.2 3oey raised a bony middle6finger. 1$uc- you.2 I bit into the stale cheese. 1I'm probably doing you a fa*or) gi*ing you a chance to Auit this stupid bet before you end up costing e*eryone a bundle.2 1I'm not Auitting nothinM)2 3oey said) 1but what you did was dumb.2 Pete nodded. 1I agree.2 +hey were both genuinely upset with me. Faybe they had a point# maybe I was out of line. I wiped my greasy palms and shrugged. 1I'm sorry. I wasn't thin-ing straight. I see your point. Ha*ing 5arden Holden in the mi7 does complicate stuff) but he's a reasonable man.2 I loo-ed at 3oey. 1@id you ta-e his money42

=2 1.i-e I had a choice4 I tell him) J5arden) that's a bad idea)' and he says) J5hy is me ma-ing a few buc-s a bad idea4' and I say) J!ut what if the horse doesn't win4' and he say) J@o you belie*e he's gonna lose)' and I say) J"o way.' and he say) JPut me down for fi*e.'2 15hen's the race42 I as-ed. 1"e7t +uesday) fi*e days.2 I sipped flat Co-e. 1I'll go tal- to him if you want) try to change his mind.2 1"o.2 3oey's *oice snapped li-e a lobster shutting his pinchers. I raised my arms to half6mast. 1$ine. 0gain) I'm sorry.2 5e sat in momentary silence and then Pete as-ed) 15hy (eorge wanna do a dinner42 15e got the hotplate and fridge and he's into coo-ing) li-e a cluc-y hen) but I thin- he wants to tal- about the horse) wants to see what's up. ays he wants in.2 1How much money he got42 3oey as-ed) eyes once again a twin-le with scheming e7citement. 1He didn't say.2 1@oes he ha*e a lot of money42 1I don't -now. I suppose he's got some tuc-ed away. He wor-ed landscaping for thirty years) and he's frugal.2 3oey rubbed his palms. 1+he more money in the pot the bigger the payout. .ooout world) we're coming to get you.2 Pete shrugged his wide shoulders. 1I don't -now if I wanna ha*e dinner with (eorge. He creeps me out.2

=3

Pete and 3oey) li-e 5arden Holden and the rest of the prison population) belie*ed that my cellmate was a child molester. I tried to reason with them) said there was no way I'd share a cell with (eorge unless I thought he was innocent) that I -new him better than anyone in the &ail. I e*en insisted they *isit our cell and meet (eorge. +hat happened si7 months ago. Pete and 3oey stayed for a short while. 5e ate ice6cream and I tried to promote con*ersation) but little tal- too- place. 3oey sat with his arms crossed most the time) and Pete) in slow motions) -ept craning his beefy nec-) first to the right) then to the left) li-e some la>y pendulum. 0fter that meeting) the three of us stopped discussing (eorge while ha*ing lunch.

1<ou don't ha*e to come)2 I said to Pete) 1but he's coo-ing up a storm. 8*en6less casserole.2 15e're coming)2 3oey said. 1I need Pete to help me decide if we let him in.2 1I say -eep him out)2 Pete said in measured baritone. 3oey sighed9tugged and pulled by morality and greed) by chance9the gambler 9and spite9letting a child molester ma-e money. 1I say we -eep him in) maybe) but maybe not. +hat's why I need you to come) to help me out.2 I en&oyed how they reasoned with each other) much li-e (eorge and I did9 ci*ility and mutual respect) with the occasional flare6up and the ability to say) JI'm sorry)' without fear of losing face. I stood up. 1I'm going to the yard. <ou guys coming42 1+oo hot out there)2 Pete said) and 3oey said) 1I got numbers to run.2

== I started to wal- away from the table. 1I'll see you guys tomorrow. .et me -now if you'll be coming to dinner.2 15e'll be there)2 3oey said) 1but ma-e sure (eorge is serious.2 I nodded and wal-ed off. I was getting real tired of his shit. B B B

=?

0pril 2D

I fell into a horrid abyss when it became clear that Kanessa didn't want to see me anymore) that I'd ne*er listen to her lilting *oice read a poem she'd scribbled in her s-y6 blue noteboo-. 0fter a month and many futile attempts9email) te7ting and *oice9to spea- with Kanessa) I decided that I absolutely needed to see her again) &ust one more time) not for se7) maybe coffee or a beer) maybe only ten minutes standing on a street corner. I -new I was being pushy) but I also absolutely needed to see Kee one more time. How could I find her4 5here should I see- her4 I could start by laying siege to the boo-store where we met. he lo*ed that store) had been going there for years. I'd once heard her tal- on her cell to her friend 3ennifer and plan to meet at .ugis) an Irish pub in uptown. I'd also heard her cell tal- with a guy named imon) who was going to help her mo*e a couch into her apartment. +hey agreed to meet in fifteen minutes) which meant she didn't li*e far. Kanessa always came by my place. I didn't bother to find out where she li*ed) belie*ing) assumin I'd see her many more times. 8ne night we had dinner at Chang's in up town) and Kee lo*ed the foodL perhaps she'd be there with her friends4 I -new she li-ed sleeping in) start her day at two in the afternoon after staying up to watch the sunrise. I had lots of data. "ow I needed to implement a timetable and a physical parameter and then stic- to it for a good month.

=C $rom 36C in the afternoon I hung out at the boo-store) in a hidden corner from which I could see who came and went. I made sure to buy a boo- e*ery *isit and Auic-ly earned the cler-'s trust. He e*en offered me a plastic chair. I got a lot of reading done) but Kee didn't show up. +hen I'd go home and nap for an hour) then shower and dress in e*ening garb. $rom D6G I had dinner at Chang's) where I became a fa*ored customer pri*y to the table in the far right corner behind the wide !onsai) a place from which I spied on the coming and going while eating a fi*e6course meal. I gained weight) but Kee ne*er showed. $rom G610 I wal-ed up and down main street and duc-ed into the other eight restaurants where I Auic-ly scanned the clientele and then wal-ed out. $rom 106 midnight I dran- three beers at .ugis) and from midnight62 am *entured to other hotspots 9a trance disco) a blues club) a coffee house with fol-sy singers. Kee ne*er showed.

8n +uesday of the Cth wee-) at G#1? at night) I was patrolling restaurant row9my Auic- in6and6out with a wide glance9when I passed Pacheco's9a fine Fe7ican eatery) and glimpsed Kanessa through the white patio fence. he sat at a table and nursed a pindrin- in a tall glass. 0cross from her sat a young man with fri>>y brown hair and a pierced nose. Kee was facing sideways and didn't see me. 0 prowling carni*ore sighting his prey) my heart doubled its pace. I melted into a dar- corner and watched them walout and stroll up to the intersection) where they hugged Hdidn't -issI and parted ways. Kee got into a car that had pulled up to the curb) and the young man wal-ed bac- toward uptown center. I followed him into a coffee house where I stood behind him while he ordered cafN mocha. I ordered a latte and casually sat at the table ad&acent to his.

=E 0 young blac- man wal-ed in and &oined Kee's friend. I held my breath and listened. +hey argued a bit about the *alidity in the music by a rapper named $ather +yrone) and then the young blac- man said) 1Kee can get in trouble.2 1 he'll be fine)2 Kanessa's dinner friend replied. 1:edboo- is cool. he can asfor references from clients and other pro*iders.2 +he blac- guy nodded. 1I -now) for sure better than Craig's .ist) but you ne*er -now.2 +he white guy sipped his coffee and shrugged. 1@on't worry Jbout Kee. he's got balls and smarts. he ma-es 300 buc-s an hour) that's pretty awesome. I'd ha*e to flip burgers for a wee- to ma-e that -ind of cash. $uc- that.2 I stood up. Fy face burning in the pits of hell) I wal-ed out and ran home) my brain rattling li-e a barrel of rusty nails tumbling down a roc-y cliff. 5hat were they tal-ing about4 I didn't li-e it. :ed !oo-4 5hat's that4 5as it what I thought it was4 Fy s-in crawled with a million spiders and sna-es;.

1 omeone's writing up a storm)2 (eorge said. I sighed. 1It's all coming bac- to me. I was in a bad way with Kee.2 1<ou were in lo*e)2 (eorge said. 1"othing you could ha*e done.2 .i-e I -new (eorge was innocent) so he -new that my lo*e for Kanessa was the real deal) not an infatuation or a midlife crisis. He ne*er patroni>ed me) always open to listen to the neurotic details of my obsession) my compulsion) my true lo*e. I loo-ed up to where the @.. web lay empty. 1It all feels so weird now) li-e a dream. How could I'*e been so cra>y in lo*e42

=D 1<ou were bewitched)2 (eorge said. 1It was your -armic predicament. It's good that you don't resent her) helps you heal faster. !laming someone else for your unhappiness is li-e chains without -eys. I try to remember that when I get angry at .ouise for framing me. "ow) if you don't mind) I got to start coo-ing dinner. 3oey and Pete are coming at eight.2 1It's noon)2 I said. 1<ou got time.2 1I don't)2 my cellmate said and e7plained that the dish he was coo-ing in the deep 126inch frying pan Hwith a lidI would ta-e about si7 hours because the coo-ing ta-es place with the hotplate burner on its lowest le*el9warm9ta-ing long increments of e7tremely low heat and lots of time to mi7 the ingredients and create a fluffy dish similar to the one ba-ed in an o*en;. and that;. 1 top)2 I said) suddenly Auite e7hausted. 1I appreciate your effort but spare me the details if you don't mind.2 1$ine.2 He lay down his -nitting rods in fa*or of chopping *egetables. I turned to face the wall. +he recent diary entry lingering) I too- a well deser*ed nap.

I awa-ened feeling refreshed) the cell comforting with the buttery scent of (eorge's culinary e7pedition. I decided I didn't want 3ulie to read my diary entries about Kee. I didn't want her to be offended) to feel threatened. +ruth be told) I'd mentioned Kee in passing only9uneAui*ocally stating it was Jo*er' and all Ja big mista-e' that meant nothing to me anymore e*en though it had resulted in a man dying9a man I didn't -ill.

=G I laid the yellow notepad on my bed and pealed off the pages rife with romantic obsession. 13ulie's *isiting tomorrow)2 I told (eorge who was folding beige cloth nap-ins. 1.ast *isit before the big one. I don't thin- I want to show her what I wrote about Kee. +oo much information.2 1Probably a good idea)2 he said. 1.et go of Kee on your own.2 1I thought I'd let go a while ago)2 I said) 1but I find myself writing about what happened and still feeling hurt and angry.2 1+hat's not good)2 (eorge said. 1I thin- you'll be happy with 3ulie.2 1I -now that for sure)2 I said) feeling certain and comfortable in my sane lo*e for 3ulie) and more so) grateful that she lo*ed me) wanted to be with me.

3oey and Pete arri*ed at eight o'cloc-. (eorge gnawed on his lower lip before their arri*al) thumb and forefinger rubbing the cloth nap-in set on his -nees. +he other three nap-ins were set on the table. 5e had only the one chair we'd decided to offer to Pete in respect for his girth) and ha*e s-inny 3oey sit with me on my bed) while (eorge) isolated by his carlet .etter) would sit on his own bun-. +he cell smelled li-e eggs and butter9a fluffy masterpiece rising in the deep frying pan9carrots cauliflower celery tomatoes garlic and onions coo-ed in butter cheese chic-en broth and eggs9an omeletOAuiche sure to sooth any hungry and less hungry palate.

?0 Pete's dar- eyes widened with hungerL his meaty nostrils sniffed the air. 1 mells good)2 he said in a throaty baritone and loo-ed at me e*en though he -new I wasn't the coo-. 3oey grinned with effort. 1<eah) smells good.2 I could see his mind cascading li-e a waterfall trapped between two boulders9his disdain for (eorge) the child molester) and his yearning for the money to bolster his bet on ,arao-e. He tapped a toe. 1Can we eat42 1"ot yet)2 (eorge said sharply9an inflection new to me. ilence greeted his words while Pete eyed the frying pan and 3oey stared at the floor. 1I belie*e in ,arao-e)2 my cellmate said and loo-ed intently at the hyper money man) 1but I'm not putting money down unless you belie*e I'm innocent. If you can belie*e me li-e you belie*e in the horse) then I'm in for ten grand.2 3oey sAuinted) mouth gaped) and then mumbled) 15hat the fuc-42 15hat does one got to do with the other42 as-ed Pete. (eorge shifted his eyes to rest upon the large blac- man and curled his lips in sadness. 1<ou don't belie*e me either; thin- I could do that to a girl) -iss her down there and show her my dic-4 <ou belie*e that about me42 1+hat is between you and (od)2 Pete replied. 1(od spea-s through you)2 (eorge said. 1If you can't belie*e me) neither will he.2 Pete shoo- his head *igorously. 1(od don't spea- through me.2

?1 10nd he don't spea- through me either)2 3oey snapped. 1I'll let you in Jcause I need your cash) and cash ain't loyal to no one. I don't -now what you did or didn't do) and I ain't gonna worry about that. %*eryone goes to prison guilty of nothing but we're all in here for something.2 1+hat's bullshit)2 I said. 1I'm innocent) and you -now that.2 1I don't -now shit)2 3oey said. 1I wasn't there when it happened.2 15hat42 I cried. 1<ou don't belie*e me4 <ou said you did.2 15e didn't come here to discuss your or (eorge's innocence)2 Pete said. 15e came here to ha*e dinner and tal- about a horse.2 (eorge raised his arms in surrender. 1$ine. I'm happy to ser*e you dinner but I'm not betting on a horse with anyone who thin-s I could molest a girl.2 3oey glared at him. 1 o that's it4 !lac-mail4 $uc- you) man) and fuc- your food.2 1I agree with 3oey on one point)2 Pete said. 1<ou're unfair in your Auest for his absolution) but I'll eat your food. "o sense in good food going to waste.2 (eorge too- the lid off the frying pan and re*ealed a saucy bubbly delight swirling with aromatic rainbows. He sliced the pie four ways and) with a wide wooden spatula) e7ca*ated the thic- dripping slices and placed them on four plastic plates set on the table. houlders tight with bitter frustration) he pointed to the food. 1Help yoursel*es.2 I too- a plate and said) 1+han-s (eorge. In my boo- you're innocent and I -now you better than these guys) so fuc- 3oey if he doesn't belie*e you) and as far as Pete) I'll admit that I hoped he could find the grace in his heart to belie*e you) being the de*out Christian he is.2

?2 Pete too- hold of a plate. 1It's not my business to &udge no one. (eorge don't need my forgi*eness if he's innocent) and if he's guilty) ain't no Christian man) woman or child) forgi*ing or not) can sa*e his soul from eternal damnation.2 He sat in the chair) too- a bite from the food and &iggled his chubby chee-s. 1It's hot.2 1I'm not guilty)2 (eorge yelled. It was the first time I heard him raise his *oice. 3oey crossed his arms and stood by the door) let the steam rise from the plate on the table. (eorge didn't sit down to eat either. He paced to the bac- of the cell and leaned against the wall) his head a few inches below the empty @.. web. I sat on my bed with the plate on my thighs and stirred my for- in the dish. It was silent aside from Pete's chewing and breathing Auic-ly through his open mouth so to chill the hot food on his tongue. 1I got no dog in this fight)2 I said. 1I'm not betting on that horse. I thin- you're all cra>y.2 I loo-ed at (eorge. 1<ou really thin- ,arao-e can win42 1<es.2 1 o why are you mi7ing apples and oranges4 5hy do you care if they thinyou're innocent or not42 1!ecause I do.2 (eorge's *oice was wea- with resignation) -nowing he'd wished for something out of reach. He sat on his bed and sighed. 15ell) it's not going to happen)2 I said with as much empathy as I could muster. 10nd I don't thin- you need to get in*ol*ed in this bet. If you got ten grand you should hold onto the money. +hat's my ad*ice.2 I raised the for- to my mouth and tasted the

?3 food9creamy delicious9and could imagine how I'd soon forsa-e the mess hall for (eorge's home coo-ing. 3oey frowned at me) almost li-e he hated me. 15hy are you guys wasting my time42 He motioned to Pete. 1.et's get out of here.2 Pete motioned to the full plate. 1 it down and ha*e a meal) it's tasty.2 1I ain't hungry)2 the haw-ish hustler said. 18-ay)2 Pete said and struggled to his feet. 15e'll ta-e it to go.2 He loo-ed at (eorge. 1@o you mind42 15hate*er)2 said my lan-y cellmate. He lay on his bed) tuc-ed his hands under his nec- and stared at the ceiling. I helped Pete co*er the two plastic plates with two more plastic plates. 3oey stood by the door) arms crossed) frowning. (eorge stared at the ceiling li-e he hoped for 76ray *ision to pry the roof and see to the stars. 3oey bu>>ed the grey button and loo-ed up at the camera. 0 moment passed before the door opened. 0bout to wal- out) 3oey placed one foot o*er the threshold when (eorge blurted) 1I'm in for fi*e.2 3oey's foot fro>e) li-e it was trapped in a force field. He turned slowly and loo-ed at (eorge. @id I read a hint of doubt in his eyes...the tiniest crac- formed in his massi*e dam of contempt) his utter assuredness that (eorge was a twisted man deser*ing no respect4 I wasn't sure) but I also -new it didn't matter. 3oey wanted the money. 1$ine) you're in. Pete will come by tomorrow to ta-e care of the transfer.2 3oey wal-ed out. Holding the plates) Pete smiled at me and (eorge and said) 1+han- you for dinner. It was tasty.2

?= +he door shut behind them. I glared at (eorge. 15hy42 e*en though I was happy he'd bet only fi*e instead of ten. 1I still belie*e the horse is going to win)2 he said. 1Faybe I e7pected too much from them.2 1"o maybes)2 I said. 1<ou were fishing with a straw. 5hy do you need his forgi*eness4 "ot sure what's going on anymore.2 (eorge sighed. 1"othing is going on. I'm o-ay. @o you li-e the food42 1It's delicious. 0re you going to eat42 1I will) later.2 He reached for the -nitting rods lying on the floor under his bed. I finished eating and then faced the wall) curled my -nees to my belly and dreamed about 3ulie's upcoming *isit) the last one before I hold her in my arms and -iss her wide lips. B B B

??

0pril 2G

ome women li-e to meet felons. I'm not sure why) but will mention that many of these women are pretty screwed up and gluttons for punishment) while a few) li-e 3ulie) are as normal and sane as a woman can be) and I say that with utmost respect. +ruth is) I don't understand women. I respect them) adore them if they let me) and ultimately belie*e they'd manage the world better than men if gi*en the chance) but romance remains mysterious to me almost as it was when I was ten and had my first crush on +ami) a frec-ly blonde who stuc- out her tongue at me and ran off. It seems that became my lot with women) shying away) with a few -ind e7ceptions. I'm not a dashing man) and neither am I wealthy or famous) so it would appear natural in @arwinist terms that I'd be o*erloo-ed) and thus I li*ed with no heartbrea-s until Kee came along and shattered whate*er barriers I thought -ept me safe. +here are numerous ser*ices that connect women with felons. Fost are pen pals only and pro*ide much needed distraction and hope for the incarcerated) but a fair amount also end up meeting each other and) few e*en become lo*ers. 0 paltry percentage stay together on the outside. "o doubt all participants9lonely woman and impatient prisoner) are struggling to meet someone to lo*e who will lo*e them bac-9the need of all human beings adrift in a strange and agnostic uni*erse where death is the only guarantee.

?C Pete has Auite a few women pen pals) and se*eral men too) about twenty in all. He isn't interested in romance) rather) he and his pen pals discus religion) the 8ld and "ew +estaments) and how (od's wrath will) sooner then later) consume man-ind and relegate him to where he belongs9banished to the fires of hell. It's way o*er the top for me) but wor-s for Pete and his floc-9-eeping them interested and communicati*e) a tribal sense about them. Pete's pen pals insist he should be forgi*en for his crime9second degree murder. He was eighteen and dri*ing a getaway car) when he hit an old lady crossing the street with her white poodle. +hey say he's but a pawn in the continuous racist and e*il plan to disown the blac- man. 0ll of Pete's pen pals are also blac-. I find their religious ranting to be tiresome) but wholeheartedly agree with the social in&ustice perpetrated upon blacmen) women and children in the P ) e*en with the election of 8bama9a racially mi7ed president and "8+ the first blac- president as the press spouts without care;. o-ay) off the soapbo7 for me;.

+he powers that be ha*e granted Pete two annual *isits9a time when the group meets at the prison chapel) where eyes shine with purpose and the room fills with lo*e) it does) I'*e attended se*eral sermons) Auite the assembly complete with four huge women whose gospel *oices can tear down a wall. Pete closes the e*ening with a long sermon9 the rumble of the prophet from the mountain top) bassy *oice caressing) crooning) then e7ploding in fire and brimstone while he raises his enormous arms) fists li-e roc-s) and stares up at the ceiling) beseeching (od to ha*e mercy on his children. Pete is a world class preacher) and a good man too. I wonder if Pete will e*er forgi*e himself for -illing

?E the old lady and the poodle. I -now he's trying) but I'm not sure he'll reach the promised land of complete absolution. I'm glad not to be in his shoes) innocence a protecti*e shroud to my incarceration.

.ucille) one of the gospel singers) as-ed if I wanted to meet a pen pal) 3ulie) who's Caucasian and cute and a great gal. 1!ut she ain't all religious li-e us)2 .ucille said) thin-ing I too was a belie*er. $earing the &udgment in her eyes) I didn't correct her and nodded. 1 ure)2 and forgot about it. 0 wee- passed when a letter arri*ed in a s-y6blue en*elope twirling with precisely round and feminine penmanship. Dear Ben, %u&ille said it was okay to write to you. I hope shes ri ht; she &an et bossy sometimes, but always with ood intent. Im 'ulie, (), a#era e build, *.* and)(*. +he photo I sent you is re&ent. ,es. I need to o to the ym. Do you ha#e a pi& to send me%u&ille says youre handsome. She says that you dont feel that way. I work as an a&&ountant, but dont hold it a ainst me.sometimes I &ount the stairs Im &limbin and I like to &ount how many sea ulls are in flo&k when they huddle on the sand by the o&ean.

o the lo*ely letter continued9si7 pages of small font and tidy spacing9and I en&oyed reading it) li-e sunrays through the clouds on a blustery winter day. Her photo loo-ed great) she was really cute) friendly blue eyes) cur*y frame and endowed bosom filled with the promise of soft warmth;.my heart fluttered.

?D I wrote bac- and included the photo 5arden Holden too- with his cell phone# I'm sitting in the brown chair in his office) the drapes behind me pulled aside to feature hills in the bac-drop. I loo- myself) o*erweight but not obese) hair sprin-led with gray but still *ibrant) eyes as-ing to be left alone but also yearning for more. 1<our pic tells me you're a sweet man)2 3ulie wrote bac-. 1I'm satisfied with how you loo-. I'm glad you find me attracti*e. "ow I want to -now about who you are. @o you want to be my pen pal) maybe a letter a wee-42 I wrote bac- to say I li-ed the idea *ery much) and then wrote about the time from my childhood when I was bullied by an older boy and how that fear sometimes haunts me. 3ulie wrote bac- and said she lo*ed how I confided in her) and then wrote about how her breasts started growing when she was ten) how scary and aw-ward she'd felt) the other girls giggling) boys unsure what to thin-) say or do. +hen her aunt ophie came to *isit. he too- the scared girl aside and whispered) 1Fine started growing when I was nine. @on't worry. +hey'll be beautiful. Fen will lo*e them and your babies will too. 1I ne*er had babies)2 3ulie wrote) 1but she was right about the part of men li-ing them. I ha*e nice boobs. he really helped me) the sprouting ten6year6old) to accept what was happening to me. 1 I wrote about my first wet dream) how I was twel*e and had no idea what was happening when I wo-e up in the middle of the night my body tingling with &oy. +hen I dared mention I loo-ed forward to seeing the nice boobs. 18nly seeing42 she wrote bac-. 1I want you to suc- on my nipples) but softly) no biting.2

?G

0nd so the letters arri*ed for a year) and then we met and sat face to face9how intimate that was after so many letters) her blue eyes a twin-le) chubby fingers pressed against the partition and warming mine through an inch of chilly glass. B B B +he morning after the dinner with 3oey and Pete) was a Auiet one. (eorge ser*ed me panca-es in bed and easily deterred me from *enturing to the mess hall. 5e didn't discuss what happened the night before. 5e didn't need to. 8ne of the prereAuisites to successful cohabitation is the silence between the words) not belaboring an e*ent) a philosophy) a thought. +he principle rule dictates# It isn't up to the person who wants to share) rather) it's up to the person willing to listen. 5e'*e learned to shut the pro*erbial door separating our bun-s. +hus) before anyone launches into a Jpoor me' or e*en a Jhappy me' tirade) one must ma-e sure his cellmate is ready to listen) for if not) one is better off internali>ing one's monologue for the sa-e of ci*ility. I did) howe*er) as-) 10re you still in for fi*e grand42 1I am)2 (eorge said) and then as-ed) 1Is 3ulie coming today42 1<es. +he last *isit before the big one.2 1(reat)2 he said and too- my empty plate. 1Ha*e a good time.2 1I will. +han-s for brea-fast. +he panca-es were nice and fluffy.2 1+han-s. I need you to listen to music on the headphones.2 18-ay.2 I placed the headphones o*er my ears) lay on my bed) shut my eyes and listened to Hotel California while dreaming about *isiting with 3ulie in two hours.

C0 B B B I sat by the thic- glass separating con*ict and citi>en and stared numbly into the empty seat) waiting for the door to open and see 3ulie rush in) short of breathe) 1Fy car bro-e down)2 or) 1+here was a pileup on route 2C)2 or) 1I had an e6coli *irus in*ade my intestines. I threw up all night but I had to see you.2 +hirty minutes passed. 1@id you get a message for me42 I as-ed the guard. He shoo- his head. 1"o) and loo-s li-e your time's up.2 I wal-ed bac- to cell 10C) greatly perturbed by the thought that 3ulie was in a bad way9an accident) a medical condition) a death in the family9all scenarios con*erged to signal that 3ulie was in trouble. 0dding to the impending calamity was the fact she hadn't called to let me -now. 3ulie was a considerate soul) didactic in nature9an accountant9 who always too- my feelings into consideration. I lo*ed her pedantic ways.

I entered the cell. (eorge laid down his -nitting rods. 1How'd it go42 1 he didn't show up)2 I said) worrisome ants crawling in my crotch. 1I'm sorry)2 he said) and I sensed his genuine concern) but also a lac- of surprise I wasn't ready for. I sat on the bed. 15hat are you saying42 1I'm not saying anything.2 1<es you are. 5hat are you saying42 (eorge loo-ed up at the ceiling. 1I don't -now what I'm saying.2

C1 I loo-ed at the empty @.. nest. It dawned on me that (eorge might ha*e suspected that 3ulie wouldn't show up) li-e he -new something he'd ne*er shared with me) perhaps sparing me the critical *oice for the sa-e of my dream. 15hy didn't you tell me this could happen42 1.et me as- you this)2 (eorge said. 1If you had to choose# 8ne is that 3ulie could be in some serious crisis. +he other is that she decided not to *isit you. 5hat's better42 1+hat's bullshit)2 I said) 1 he could be stuc- on some freeway with a flat tire) or maybe she lost her cell. he'll call soon. 5arden Holden -nows she didn't show up) he'll let me -now what's up.2 1I'm sure he will)2 (eorge said without any malice whatsoe*er. +he minutes passed) silence lingered) we lay on our beds) (eorge staring at the ceiling) me staring at the empty web. Finutes became an hour) then two and three and four) until I could ta-e it no more. I bu>>ed the grey button. +he camera swer*ed. I loo-ed into the lens) 1I need to see 5arden Holden right away.2 0 moment passed before the door swung open. I strode swiftly down the corridor and up a flight of stairs) and came up to the wooden door. I -noc-ed. 1Come in.2 +he short chubby man sat behind the wide oa- des-) li-e he encouraged you to see how diminuti*e he was) accepting your snic-er with a shrug and deflecting the cynicism right bac- in your face. +hat's what made him good at running a prison9a low6 -ey self6deprecating man who wasn't fa-ing his concern) but who also had a tight ship to run. He did that well) not perfectly) but to e7pect that would be irrational. +he man did an e7cellent &ob. I suppose I sound li-e the prisoner who grows to worship his captor)

C2 sur*i*al wrapped in psychological surrender) but not really. 5arden -nows I'm innocent) both of us cogs in a psychotic system designed with hatred and gleeful retribution. Holden motioned to the brown chair. 1Ha*e a seat.2 1+han-s. I'm sorry to come on short notice) but I'm worried about 3ulie.2 +he warden shrugged. 1 he didn't call or lea*e a message. @on't worry) she probably had a water pipe bust and flood her -itchen) up to her -nees in water and plumbers.2 1"othing at all42 I as-ed. 1Can you chec- hospitals or something42 He raised his right arm slightly. 1I'll chec- the data base) and if I find anything I'll let you -now. I'm sure 3ulie's fine.2 I sat up in the chair. 15hat are you saying42 1I'm not saying anything.2 I slumped bac- in my chair. 1<es you are. <ou're saying that she's fine) and if that's true) then she chose not to *isit me today.2 I clenched my &aw and wished my teeth to shatter. 5arden Holden was silent) fingers crossed and lying on his opulent gut) eyes fi7ed on the red bas-et filled with office -nic--nac-s sitting on his des-. (eorge had the same inflection in his response9I'm not saying anything. I had no idea what to say or thin-) so I stood up and smiled wearily. 1+han-s for your time.2 5arden Holden stood up) eyes calm but a bit narrow. 1I hear (eorge is in for fi*e grand.2

C3 1I hear you're also in for fi*e)2 I said) irate that my issue paled compared to the betting fren>y. 1I don't understand why you all are doing this) using your hard6earned money to bet92 1Ha*e a good e*ening) !en. I'll -eep you posted.2 I turned on my heels and wal-ed out. I started to hate that stupid horse) ,arao-e) wished he'd shatter a -neecap while racing and put out of his misery with a bullet to the head. .et 3oey and his chain of fools lose their bets and learn a lesson.

+he e*ening passed) and then the night and the morning and day that followed. %ach passing moment soa-ed into my s-in with the dread of truth) that 3ulie bailed) that she was scared or confused or who -nows what. 8therwise she was dead or in a coma. I was utterly flummo7ed) blindsided by a semi slamming into me at D0 mph. 0n e*ening passed) and the night and the morning and day that followed but 3ulie didn't call. 5arden Holden sent a note saying he'll continue to chec- hospital emergency rooms and police arrest records. If delirious) I'd ha*e imagined that 3ulie was -idnapped by a *icious man who held her capti*e in his cellar and had his way with her) or maybe he'd already done so and then -illed her and tossed her Auartered body in the ri*er;.but I'd ne*er wish that upon her. "e*er. I was an7ious but also numb) confused but also certain) hopeful and despaired. (eorge and I tal-ed little during those two days. He read and -nitted and listened to music on the headphones much of the time. I had my ears cupped to hear footsteps down the corridor and news that would free me from the tentacles of helpless resol*e.

C= I found myself worried more li-e an uncle rather then a prospecti*e match. I -new she wasn't with another man. I &ust wanted her to be safe. B B B

Fay 2

Fy primary need to write a diary was to comply with 3ulie's reAuest) but it's been three days and no word) so any scenario I fathom is bad. @id she lea*e me4 Is she dead4 5hich one should I choose4 +hat's what (eorge had mentioned when I returned to the cell after 3ulie's forsa-en *isit. I'd thought what he said was bullshit) but it wasn't.

I choose option one9she left me) because I wish 3ulie no harm. Fy heart is bruised but not shattered) li-e it was with Kee. I'm saddened by how things went down) but I find no blame in my heart for 3ulie9clumsy yet lo*ing in her romantic ways. he spent a year writing and *isiting. he cared about me. Faybe all 3ulie needed was time. I tried to rela7 into her choices) not &udge anyone) including myself) -nowing that any acti*e response9nagging 5arden Holden) tal-ing to (eorge) maybe e*en to 3oey and Pete) or banging my head against the wall9was dumb. I needed to -eep it to myself) and within that I found the need to write) not because 3ulie wanted me too) but because I wanted to. I'm lonely) and the yellow notepad seems to hold more comfort than anything or anyone else.

C? (eorge transferred fi*e thousand dollars into the account that 3oey set up. :umor has it9Pete whispering to me in deep baritone9that ,arao-e's fund is up to 100-. I'm li*ing with a confederacy of dunces. .ast night 3oey showed up. It seems 5arden Holden and the s-inny scammer ha*e an agreement) li-e a coach and a manager solidifying the ran-s9more moneyQbetter odds9and plenty reason to curb prison protocol. 3oey's swagger was a bit more conciliatory) mainly dri*en by fear that (eorge could change his mind) but maybe also affected by a tiny lingering doubt dri*en by (eorge's emotional outburst and my sturdy defense9that (eorge ne*er molested anyone 9end of story and fuc- you *ery much. "either 3oey nor (eorge loo-ed each other in the eye) but the boo-ie did sit down for a few minutes and e*en ate two wedges of honey6 coated apple that (eorge had Auic-ly sliced for the unannounced guests. 1:ace in two days)2 3oey stated the ob*ious and then) 15arden Holden gonna let me and Pete come to his office and hear the race on his radio.2 1I ain't ne*er been to the warden's office)2 Pete said. 1+he fi*e seasons it's not)2 3oey said. 1He needs new furniture. I told him about my uncle's store but he doesn't belie*e me) thin-s I'll be selling him stolen goods.2 15on't you42 I as-ed. 1<es) but that's not the point. It's nice furniture.2 1How far does your hustle go42 I as-ed) perhaps bitter that no one spo-e of my romantic calamity. 1He's the fuc-ing warden.2 1%7actly)2 3oey said. 1He's flying under the radar) the perfect client.2

CC !etween 3ulie *anishing) and a bunch of loonies betting on a horse) I was an7ious and sad. I escaped the cell and (eorge's coo-ing for the sa-e of my fa*orite mess hall lunch9friend chic-en and mashed potatoes. I listened to a hundred *oices echo off the high ceiling) the &abber unintelligible yet fused with a timeless chant. +hen I wal-ed out to the yard. It was hot) well o*er 100 degrees) but the heat was dry) *ery dry) li-e the hills strewn with brown brush turning gray) crumbling into the ground) dust waiting to rise again9how short the glory of green grass is) how fleeting its struggle when compared to human suffering;but maybe not. 5ho can &udge if a human soul suffers more than a blade of grass4 5ho are those people so sure of their con*iction4 $eeling superior is a tric-y preposition. Ignorance is not bliss. I lay on the hard ground and stared into the scolding sun) absorbed her warmth) her eternal furnace) and tried to forgi*e 3ulie for anything she'd done) for it ser*ed me best to do so. I needed to forgi*e her before I could do anything else) for if I &udged her e*en with a morsel of blame and guilt) I'd strip myself of the ability to mo*e on) truly mo*e on) and heal myself. +hat euphoric acceptance ebbed when I returned to cell 10C. (eorge was -nitting with his face to the wall and mumbled a Auic- hello but didn't turn to face me. I tightened my fists) trapped) li-e I was stuc- in an ele*ator. I wanted to tal- to him) but he wasn't ready to respond;.he didn't ha*e the answerL no one had the answer) and I needed to escape. I fell into the web of my past) Kee;.

I left the coffeehouse where I'd ea*esdropped on Kee's friend and the young blac- man) and ran home) to sit at my des-) tap my foot li-e it had springs in it) and

CE (oogle :edboo-. urely enough there it was# myredboo-9 an $rancisco !ay 0rea escort and massage parlor guide. Fy heart shi*ered li-e a frightened -itten stuc- behind a fridge. Could it really be that Kee &oined an internet whorehouse4 +he site had numerous categories ad*ertising women who agreed to ha*e se7 for money. ome were hustlers and drug addicts) other weathered pros) but many were li-e Kee9young women struggling to sur*i*e) or as the website lingo coined them# "on6 pros. I read the details li-e a demented rat pushing the le*er for more cocaine. +he women were listed according to loo-s and race9Caucasian) blonde) brunette) 0sian) mi7ed race) blac-9and their offerings9escort) massage) domination and such. I wanted to open the brunettes lin- and sift through it) but I was terrified of the possible truth I'd un*eil) so I surfed through the rest of the site) distracted and an7ious. %ach woman) -nown as a pro*ider) had a profile with photos) hourly rates Ha*erage was 200I) what she did and didn't do as part of her ser*ice) and re*iews by men 9hobbyists9who'd sampled her wares and chose to share their e7ploits with the whole fuc-ing world) rating the pro*iders for loo-s and performance) many times in disgusting minutia. I frowned. 5ho were those men) those wormy pathetic losers4 +he lingo was filled with acronyms Ha section on the site helped me decipher themI such as <FFK9 your miles may *ary9she may do certain things) li-e @$, Hdeep $rench -issingI with one client but not with all clients. @0+< meant dining at the < and referred to whether the pro*ider allowed the client to eat her out. !!!3 meant bare bac- blow &ob9she'll suc- your dic- without a condom. 0 trip to (reece implied she ta-es it up the ass Hfor an e7tra 100 rosesI. $! F stood for full body sensual massage) which amounted to a H39 hand &ob. +he most treasured and e7pensi*e category was ($%9girl friend e7perience)

CD where you get to ha*e se7 li-e you're with your girlfriend9df- daty and bbb&9though still use a condom when plowing her promised land. +op notch pro*iders9all Auite beautiful9offered ($% for ?00 dollars an hour. +he selection was staggering9thousands of women smiling in their na-edness and spreading their thighs to welcome you9the anonymous 3ohn9into their lo*ebo7. 0t least a Auarter of the women were 1D620 years old) and a good half were under 2= years old. Fany were college students or single moms) also -nown as FI.$'s9mothers I'd li-e to fuc-. I was disgusted with the men) the Jhobbyists') who populated the site) paying to fondle a woman's body9a piece of meat to dine on. ic- fuc-s. I'd ne*er in a million years choose to pay for se7. I'd rather be alone and lonely and beat6off to some centerfold till my dic- withered and died in the palm of my hand. :edboo- had ta-en the oldest profession to higher *olume and efficiency than any whorehouse man had e*er -nown or e*en imagined was possible9and within that cyber brothel was the girl I was madly in lo*e with) and who'd apparently rather fuc- other men for RR than gi*e me the time of day. I was getting really pissed off. I finally opened the lin- and scrolled through the ads for !runettes) one page) then another and another and another) when I saw her ad# Keelicious) the delicious coed you'*e always dreamed of. @ream no more. I'm here for you. I'm slender) (erman and Portuguese) ?.E 110) tanned and toned) with tender breasts and a salacious behind I'*e been told can stop traffic. <our time with me will be rela7ed and erotic. "on ($%) e*erything co*ered. @aty friendly. 300 roses for the hour. Call me) Keelicious) and I promise you'll come bac- to see me again and again. 5arning# I'm highly addicti*e 7o7o.

CG Her photos were ta-en on a wooden bridge by a cree-. he wore maroon panties and bra and blac- pumps) and suc-ed innocently on a lollipop) her precious lower lip pouting with amateur seduction. !lac- hair draped o*er thin shoulders) her eyes glowed with the empathy I remembered. he loo-ed so sweet) so lo*ely) so innocent;my heart beat li-e a sledgehammer; I could barely breathe;my eyes clouded with tears. Kiolated li-e ne*er before) li-e someone coming home to find his house stripped of all belongings) I was left to stare at stained walls and dusty floors. Kee already had two re*iews# one rated her G on loo-s and G on performance and read# $ery amenable and upbeat personality/I was #ery satisfied with our session. +he second re*iew rated her 10 on loo-s and 10 on performance and read# Su&h a dreamy irl. $ery intelli ent and wise, beautiful fa&e, body 0 soul. she is too ood, my all time fa#orite. I will see her a ain and a ain. I grabbed the bottle of beer I was drin-ing and threw it against the wall abo*e my des-. +he bottle didn't brea- but the beer splashed across the des- and computer screen. I stood up and flung my chair against the wall abo*e my bed. +he chair flew through the air and its wheels struc- the wall and tore a big hole. I punched my des- until my -nuc-les bled freely. I went for the bottle of (lenfiddich in my -itchen and dran- long swigs. Fy stomach soured and I threw up on the -itchen floor. !lood from my -nuc-les dripped into the *omit. I stood o*er the sin-) hea*ing) grinding my teeth with rage I'd ne*er felt before9a stinging pain filled with helplessness and ridicule) awash in deep sadness that had me weeping and moaning li-e a wounded dog. I ran outside and wal-ed bris-ly) one hour and then another) my head stuffed with thic- wet towels of humiliation) bits of fragments of thoughts all soa-ed with misery) and I formulated a plan;.

E0 1I'm really sorry about 3ulie. It's so unfair)2 I heard (eorge say. 1.et me -now how I can help. <ou can tal- about it if you need to.2 I laid down my pen and sighed. 1+han-s. I'm sorry too) and confused) but I'm trying to understand.2 1I can see)2 (eorge said) 1<ou'*e been writing in your &ournal for an hour.2 I shrugged. 1I'm actually writing about what happened with Kee.2 18ne catharsis leads to another)2 he said and sat up on the bed. 1I'm ma-ing a Fediterranean salad for dinner.2 His soft brown eyes lit up. 1Can you as- 5arden Holden if we can ha*e a blender4 I -now it's glass) against the rules) but he -nows we won't do anything weird. 0 blender is great for smoothies) both fruits and *egetables. <ou get all the micro6nutrients) and roughage) which you don't get from &uicing.2 He then tilted and wa*ed his wrist in a fashion I hadn't seen before) one *erging on the dainty. +he hair on my arms rose li-e grass reaching to absorb the rain. 8ut of nowhere) in less than a nanosecond) the reality dawned on me. 5hy the truth came to me in such fashion I'll ne*er -now) but it did) li-e a big bang. How it had eluded me until that nanosecond I cannot e7plain. +he painful memory of Kee abated. I sat up on the bed) loo-ed at him and said) 1<ou're gay.2 (eorge loo-ed at me with a raised brow and grinned. 15hat are you tal-ing about42 10re you gay42 15hat ma-es you thin- I'm gay42 10re you42 15e'*e shared a cell for two years and you ne*er as-ed me that.2

E1 1I'm as-ing now. 0re you gay42 I was at once angry and giggly) surprised) but not threatened. 1I still don't understand why you're as-ing me this Auestion. 5hat ha*e I done to raise your suspicion42 (eorge sat hunched o*er) li-e someone who) wal-ing down a wide boule*ard) slips on a banana peel) hits his ass hard on the pa*ement and is staring up at passerby's who roll their eyes and mutter ridicule. Fy anger dissipated. I lo*ed (eorge) he was a great guy) and now it turned out he's gay. How he managed to hide his orientation was thespian genius) but more important and conclusi*ely triumphant was the fact that gay men don't molest girls. If anything) they'd molest boys. It came as no surprise to me that (eorge was innocent) but I nonetheless appreciated that final nail hammered forcefully into his obtuse coffin of &udgment. 1How come it too- me so long to find out42 I as-ed. 1$ind out what42 His walls were crumbling. I could see it in his droopy eyelids. 1(i*e it up) (eorge. It's o-ay. I &ust can't figure out how you managed to -eep it a secret for so long.2 1It was easy)2 he said) the walls now fine dust. 1<ou're not my type.2 I folded my arms in moc- protest. 18h) really4 5ell e7cuse the fuc- out of me.2 (eorge shrugged. 1It's true. I'd rather screw a woman than blow you. IMm not turned on by anyone o*er thirty) and he must be thin) s-inny. 0nd absolutely no chest hair. I'm a superficial pig.2 I pounded my fist on my hairy chest. 1+hat hurts) man) right here in my heart.2

E2 (eorge pretended to throw bac- his hair and fluttered his eyelids. 1I -now. I'm such a heartbrea-er.2 I loo-ed at him) he loo-ed at me) silence lingered) and then he smiled) and I did too) and then I laughed) and he did too) and we laughed long and hard) until (eorge wiped the tears from his chee-s and said) 1I'm going to ma-e dinner.2 +hen he turned serious. 1+han-s) !en. I thin- you're o-ay) and I -now you're innocent. I'm honored to be your friend.2 He reached out his wide palm9calloused by thirty years of landscaping9and offered a rugged handsha-e) as far remo*ed from gay as can be. 1<ou're a manly gay)2 I said and shoo- his hand) 1but you ha*e a feminine side too) -nitting and coo-ing and maybe more. .et your girlish hair down. +here's nothing in this uni*erse e*en remotely capable of ma-ing you seem attracti*e to me.2 1+hat's a relief)2 he said and wal-ed to the table where he began chopping a cucumber. +hen he raised the -nife and wa*ed it. 1 tay out of my briefs.2 1<es Fadam)2 I laughed with a salute and reclined on my bed. 5ow. (eorge was gay. (o figure.

(eorge ser*ed a delicious salad mi7ed with corn and peas from a can. 5e slammed three Co-es each. oon after I grew utterly e7hausted from the long day and its plethora of stimuli. I lay down) put !ill %*ans on headphones and floated into a cocoon of sleep) a tired boy yearning for rest. Fy last thought drowned in a chuc-le# (eorge wasn't trying to hide he was gay9-nitting away in front of me) rather it was I who was blind) so close yet so far) while we) two innocent men) shared cell 10C.

E3 I felt more free in his company than e*er before. I bas-ed in his goodness. I couldn't as- for a more compassionate ear. I mumbled) 1I'll get you the blender)2 and remembered no more. B B B

Fay =

+oday) at 3 pm) at :oman (ardens race trac-) ,arao-e will run for our li*es) well not mine) but it might as well be) surrounded that I am by >ealous gamblers frothing at the mouth. @reams and aspirations that a con*ict tuc-s away for years) decades9for if he doesn't he will wither away li-e the grass now dead on the hills9ha*e come down to two minutes) gi*e or ta-e a few seconds9the time it would ta-e to alter their li*es) to re*i*e hope) gi*e meaning and strength to carry on -nowing that) for once) they pulled it off. "ot all was lost. (eorge coo-ed panca-es filled with raspberries and almonds) the best panca-es I e*er had. I smothered them with maple syrup and whipped cream and became the boy stuffing his mouth with sugary delights. He then ser*ed me orange slices and hot cocoa. I found the combination a bit &arring) but smiled nonetheless and raised a thumb. 1(reat brea-fast. +han-s.2 1<ou're welcome)2 he said) lips tight. 15hat is it42

E= 15hat do you thin- it is42 1+he horse42 1<es.2 1!ut you're con*inced he's going to win) right42 1I am) but I'm still ner*ous.2 1Is that what they call (ambler's :ush42 1I guess. Can you listen to music42 I put on the headphones. 1 ure) but hurry up. I need you to listen to music too.2

0bout twenty minutes later) after both of us had listened to music) (eorge said) 1+his is one day I could use to be in the yard) outside) see the dead grass and oa- trees.2 He hadn't mentioned wanting to go to the yard in a while. He -new it would be real hard to get permission to do that) proof gi*en by the scar across his stomach9right to left) a sloping =?6degree angle from upper ribs to lower bowels. He'd been in a different prison) standing in line for chow in the mess hall when a stoc-y .atino man) 0lberto :odrigue>) in for stealing cars) father of three girls) came at him with a long -nife. "o one e*er e7plained how that -nife got through prison security. Fy hunch) it wasn't a big deal. Faybe the powers that be wanted (eorge dead. His trial had attracted nasty media co*erage. He was amidst the angry and abandoned. 0lberto :odrigue> probably thought he was doing the world a fa*or9getting rid of human scum unfit for any ci*ili>ed format9not e*en a prison. ome crimes are ine7cusable. !ut (eorge li*ed) barely) was transferred to this prison and has since been in loc-down aside from the three wee-ly showers he ta-es alone late at night at the

E? communal bathrooms under watchful guards. His ability to li*e this way astounds me) how he finds solace in reading and -nitting and now) coo-ing. He doesn't seem to get bored much) maybe e*en finds peace within the shac-les of solitude. He has my helpful company and the stories I bring from outside) the gossip) the descriptions of nature morphing with the seasons. He's a good candidate for li*ing silently in a ca*e in the Himalayas. I'*e also become Auite proficient at dealing with close Auarters) which ser*es both of us well) inherently solitary that we are. I as-ed if he wanted me to tal- to 5arden Holden about letting him out for a bit. (eorge shoo- his head. 1He won't let me.2 1Probably not)2 I agreed) 1but maybe if the horse wins) he'll be sto-ed and gi*e you a bonus. I mean) he could pull it off if he wanted to. 5ould be a hassle but it can be done.2 1He thin-s I'm guilty) wouldn't want to help me out.2 I sighed. 1He sure does) no matter what I say) thin-s he can smell guilt.2 +hen I narrowed my eyes. 1If you're gay) how come you had an affair with .ouise42 (eorge shrugged. 1I'*e had affairs with women. +hey ha*e maternal Aualities that young men) the ones I'm attracted to) don't ha*e. +hat's why I didn't want to marry her) but she didn't -now I was gay) mostly gay.2 1I don't get it)2 I said. 18r you're gay or you're not.2 1+hat's simply not true)2 said (eorge. 1Fany people) men and women) ha*e bise7ual tendencies.2 1 o) in theory) e*en though you're gay) you're still attracted to women) so you could'*e been attracted to .ouis's daughter) that Candice girl.2

EC 1"e*er.2 (eorge shoo- his head three times. 1 he's a child. I could ne*er be attracted to a boy either. !eing a pedophile is a sic-ness. It has nothing to do with se7ual orientation. I'm gay with some bise7ual. +hat's not sic-. +hat's human sensuality e7pressed ci*illy if unorthodo7) though you'd be surprised how many are li-e me.2 I'd ne*er had an in-ling of a thought or emotion tying a man) no matter how handsome) to my erotic self. 1Faybe) but I'm happy I li-e women;only women.2 10ll we can do is obey our nature)2 (eorge said. 1 ometimes that can be a problem.2 I loo-ed up at the barren spider web. e*eral strands had loosened and wa*ed in the warm air. (ra*ity's sharp &aws would soon consume them. 1How are you feeling about 3ulie42 he as-ed. 1"ot feeling much of anything. Faybe I'm in shoc-) not sure what's happening. Faybe I can't process my new reality.2 1<ou should'*e been an analyst)2 he said. 1Fissed your calling.2 1"ot funny.2 1<ou're right. orry. It'll ta-e time to get o*er her.2 1I'm still far from sure that it's o*er)2 said I) and stood up. 1+here's a lot we may not -now. I'm not sure why you and 5arden are so sure she's gone. 0fter all) you guys aren't e7actly logical) betting on horses and all. I'm going to lunch and out to the yard. I'll let you -now how the oa-s are doing.2 1Can you bring bac- some dirt in your poc-et42 1 ure.2 (eorge sighed. 1,arao-e runs in four hours.2

EE I wal-ed to the mess hall and thought about why I wasn't falling apart from 3ulie's re&ection. I lo*ed her) yearned for the day I could bas- in her glorious bosom) the happy blue eyes and chubby cute fingers9all fantasies I passed in my mind while I &er-ed off in the wee hours) shuffling silently under the blan-et so not to awa-e (eorge. "ow she was gone. I'll probably ne*er see her again) li-e with Kee and the JI promise to e7plain' email. Faybe 3ulie will also write me a letter that will Je7plain.' Faybe she won'tL maybe she'll come running bac- tomorrow) but regardless of what she did) I wasn't going to fall apart li-e I had with Kee. Fy soul floated in a cloud stuc- in a force field that -ept me from feeling much about anything93ulie) ,arao-e and the chain of fools) that (eorge was gay) that the @.. nest lay empty;. I relinAuished my hopeless thoughts to piling fried chic-en and mashed potatoes onto my plate. I needed real grease after (eorge's fretting dishes of what he called) Jmicro nutrients.' "ow that I -new he was gay) I saw it in his e*ery word and mo*ement. "ow he was a Sueen) able to e7press himself daintily without worry) an o*erlap of a rugged man with calloused hands) yet a -nitter and coo-) able to lo*e women but mostly men. He deser*ed a good mate;but he's alone) li-e I am) li-e 3oey) li-e Pete) li-e 5arden Holden; we're all without a mate. I wal-ed up to the table at the far left corner of the mess hall where 3oey and Pete sat. Pete's chee-s were stuffed with food. 3oey's mouth was empty. He was slumped in his chair) li-e a sprinter out of breath after a close race) who -nows he'd run as fast as he could and now awaits the photo6finish result. His chee-bones were almost sharp enough to burst through the flesh. 3oey loo-ed *ulnerable and I decided not to lay into him with well deser*ed sarcasm. I set my tray on the table.

ED 1+he big day's here) boys. (eorge is ner*ous li-e a tomcat on the prowl. 0nd so you -now) I'd lo*e nothing more than for ,arao-e to win the race. I really mean it.2 +heir silence93oey clasping his palms) staring at the floor) still not eating) Pete chewing slowly) eyes set on the tray with the food9alarmed me. I bit into a drumstic-. 15hat's wrong guys4 It's gonna be o-ay.2 1!ut what if he loses42 3oey's words were clipped) hysterical. I raised my brow. 1%7cuse me4 <ou're considering that outcome now42 3oey stared o*er my head and tightened his &aw. I could almost hear his teeth crumble. His hubris was gone) completely gone. He had no idea if ,arao-e would win) ne*er had) and had blustered his way for two wee-s) calling in e*ery fa*or and half6fa*or owed and begging for fa*ors he'd need to ma-e good on. Pntil that moment) it was a silly saga) li-e a +hree tooges s-it) but now I saw one man's credibility and honor on the line. 3oey was as desperate as when he was eight and cowered under the -itchen table while his dad threw dishes at the walls Hthey shattered and showered the -itchen with sharp bitsI. He was trying) one last time) to please his father. +hat wasn't going to happen because his father had been dead thirty years) yes) that's how pathetic our attempt is to snare the past and wriggle it to fit our present;. I loo-ed 3oey in the eye. 1He's going to win. I -now it.2 1+hen how come you didn't bet42 1!ecause I didn't -now it then. I was wrong. I should'*e put some cash in the pot. <ou were right. ,arao-e will win.2

EG 10men)2 Pete said. 1+here's no doubt in my mind) but 3oey) he's the reluctant prophet. .i-e Foses) his arms) raised to the s-y for many days) ha*e grown tired) sla*ed by gra*ity.2 I smiled at 3oey and pointed at Pete. 1Hear that4 +hat's the re*erend spea-ing.2 3oey sighed. 1$rom his mouth to (od.2 +hen he scooped a bit of mashed potatoes on his spoon and too- a bite. 1%*en the condemned get a last dinner.2 ilence followed) but that was o-ay with me. I pigged out on fried chic-en and mashed potatoes li-e they'd ne*er come around again. $inally I felt something) &aws crunching meat) a ca*eman relishing the flesh) the source from (od to grant me another day of li*ing. I watched my fellow inmates in their Auest9one as *alid as mine9yet -new not what to ma-e of them. I thought about 3ulie. 5hat to ma-e of her betrayal) abandonment) callous disregard;. or was she really guilty of that4 "othing reached my heart but plenty reached my stomach) and when I was done eating) I loo-ed forward to more primal stimuli9a hot sun) and oa- trees fighting to li*e) li-e grand -nights straddling huge horses and brandishing thic- spears. I stood up and too- hold of my tray. 1:ace is at three) right4 +hree hours. <ou coming to the yard today42 +he duo shoo- their heads. 1It'll be o-ay guys)2 I said and meant it. Pete smiled his wide lips and pearly whites. 1I -now it will) !en. !less you.2 3oey nodded slowly and stared o*er my head) pale face) thin lips curled into his throat.

D0 +he sun radiated billions of candles and the air was dry. +he dead grass was crumbling. oon the ground would swallow the once proud green blades) as the ground does to all9a cosmic sponge soa-ing) generously) the efforts made by (od to reincarnate herself in a blade of grass) an oa- tree) a human being) a @..;no one -new the depth of (od) the riddle so simple yet so comple79the agnostic flag raised to confess# JI -now that I don't -now.' I lay on the barren ground and let un bathe my face. 5hy is un shining today4 I as-ed myself. I didn't ha*e an answer e7cept un bathing my face.

howered with sunrays) my poc-et filled with dirt) I returned to cell 10C. (eorge was -nitting) thic- fingers lin-ing furiously and with great precision challenging any (ranny brigade to -eep up. I pointed to my poc-et. 1I brought you dirt.2 (eorge lay down his -nitting rods and cupped his palms. I scooped up the dirt and ga*e it to him. 1+he grass is loo-ing bad)2 I said) 1but the oa-s are good) no change at all. +hey're ready for fall and winter) got plenty of water reser*es.2 1+hat's good)2 (eorge said) and) li-e a boy at the beach) fist o*er palm) tric-led the dirt bac- and forth) right to left9a sand cloc-. I lay on the bed and reached for my &ournal. 1He's going to win.2 1I thin- so)2 (eorge said but then turned to face the wall. +hat was o-ay with me. He needed to be alone) and I did too. It was time to write about the night when I) allegedly) -illed imon.

D1 Kanessa's goods displayed on :edboo-) two glowing re*iews in her hoo-er bag) who was I4 I was nothing. he'd made no effort to see me) ignored all my pleas) yet I'd chosen to pursue her) ea*esdropping at a cafN at midnight) then rushing off in a panic;.I was clearly deranged) yet) the Auest remained) &ust to see her one more time;.one more time in which order will consummate my desperate search. I &oined :edboo- and officially became a Jhobbyist') one @an ,erry) and emailed Keelicious. 1I'll be in acramento ne7t +uesday) at the downtown Hilton. 5ill you be a*ailable42 he wrote bac-. 1Hi @an. I'm a*ailable) but I ha*e an in6call at the :amada Inn. It's *ery safe.2 +hat sounds good) I typed) +uesday at eight4 I need a reference 5hat's that4 I'm new. +hat yu* seen someone on redbooI ha*en't. I'm on business from eattle. I ha*e a room at the Hilton. <ou can chec- with the front desI will) tomorrow) and ill lu8-. Pr pics are *ery nice +han-s @an 7o7o

Fy ne7t Auic- mo*e was to Hilton.com where I boo-ed a room for +uesday night. +hen I waited) one day) then two and three) before I emailed# I'll be in ac on +uesday. @o you still want to meet4

D2 <es) but can we tal- first4 Call me. Fy finger ho*ered o*er the mouse. +hen I typed# I'd rather not. .i-e the anonymous fantasy) but I'm safe I need a reference I don't ha*e one 5hen are you coming4 +uesday Can u get one by Fonday4 ;how4 Id, ttyl 7o7o

I foraged through the ads and called a masseuse named Charlene. he had many good re*iews) a -ind6loo-ing *oluptuous brunette in her late thirties. he came o*er and treated me -indly) and when I as-ed her to *ouch for me on redboo- and handed her an e7tra 100) Charlene assured me she would. I emailed Kee# I saw Charlene. he can *ouch for me 0 nail6biting hour passed before Kee wrote# 8-ay) 2230 !radshaw) :amada Inn room 10C. +uesday at nine I'll be there. ,. 300 for the hour) no barebac"o prob;. C u tue at G

D3 ,. 7o7o

(eorge turned to face me. 1Can we tal-42 I lay down my pen. 15hat about42 5hy 3ulie didn't come. I don't -now why she didn't come !ecause it's too late for her to fall in lo*e again) and maybe for you too Faybe it is) but why did she -eep writing and *isiting) for a year <ou ga*e her courage) you helped each other <es. 0nd then it stopped <es he -new I wasn't ready) that I'm still thin-ing about Kee4 Faybe o why did she stic- around4 Faybe she hoped li-e you did when you hoped for Kee to want you I breathed in deeply and sighed# It's that simple (eorge also breathed deeply and sighed) <es I guess she did help me a lot the last year. he helped get through the time) but I really wanted to be with her) touch her; Faybe you still will or maybe not) but try to be grateful to her regardless of her actions <es. I am grateful

D= 0nd I was) but then (eorge returned to -nitting and I to my &ournal and the night I went to meet with Kee at the hotel. +o her) I was @an ,erry from eattle. I was going to -noc- on her door) wait for her to say) Jcome in)' and then stand in the doorway) letting her grow pale with my being) the scarred lo*er) the pathetic in which redemption lies) to loo- her in the eye one more time and as-) beg) 15hy42 I -new she'd curl in disgust) but it was too late for that. Kee was but a prism to my loneliness. I feared her disappro*al) but I also wanted to loo- her in the eye one more time. 0fter all) maybe) &ust maybe she'd chuc-le. 1<ou trac-ed me down) good &ob. It's still going to cost you 300. Can I read you the poem I wrote today42 0nd she would) lilting *oice li-e a music bo7) the girl as pure as snow) the one I couldn't coddle and cherish to my last gasp for air while she recited poetry anchored in infinity. +he lines ran throu h me and abo#e me, and below, where they tu tenta&les from hell while I stret&hed my arms, fin ertips shootin stars. I was fore*er enamored with her words) a girl s-ipping o*er rancid puddles of poetry and dancing between raindrops of graceful rhymes;.and I yearned to hear the soft coo while I dran- the nectar dripping between her thighs; ed like

:oom 10C faced the open par-ing lot of a two6story hotel with little grace. 0utumn's hea*y rain had fallen earlier and a dri>>le still drenched the air. I arri*ed an hour early) sat in my car) and) ner*ous beyond comprehension) gu>>led a fifth of brandy. 0t nine o'cloc-) wobbly drun-) I wal-ed to the door) my shoes slipping and sliding in motor oil ali*e with moisture. I -noc-ed on the door.

D? +he door opened and I witnessed Kee) slender body incased in white sil- lingerie) dar- eyes shrouded by long eyelashes drooped with fa-e lust. he raised her ga>e and saw me. Her eyes widened and she yelled) 15hat the fuc-42 1I &ust want to tal-)2 I stammered. Fore drun- than I'd e*er been) I saw her double and triple) precious pouty lower lip lost in the night. he turned to someone in the room and yelled) 1(et him out of here. I don't want to see him. He's stal-ing me.2 I was bac-ing away from the door) heart oo>ing with her rage and shame) when the young man with the curly brown hair and the piercing in his nose came running out of the room toward me. He reached his arm bac- to swing at me. I was a tree trun-) arms dangled li-e dead branches. He swung at me and lost his balance. His boots struc- oil and he was airborne with the anger in his swing. He stretched his arms bac-wards to blocthe fall but it was too late. +he bac- of his head struc- the concrete with a sic-ening thud;.he lay still) blood gushing from the crushed s-ull. Kee was screaming. I rushed to cradle the young man's head. Fy fingers stained with his blood. He was dead. irens wailed from afar. I stayed on my -nees) bloody palms) the dead man in my lap) Kee screeching to eternity and bac-. I mumbled) 1I'm sorry)2 but she didn't hear me) and e*en if she had) I -new she'd rather gouge my eyes than accept any apology. I offered no resistance to police) my life now sla*ed to the powers that be;.yet still I insist# I didn't -ill imon. It was a frea- accident. "o one was supposed to get hurt) at most some cussing and pointed fingers) pursed lips and accusing eyes;. but no *iolence and ne*er death;..

1,arao-e races in ten minutes)2 (eorge said.

DC I lay down my pen. 13oey and Pete are at the 5arden's office. I bet they're all shitting bric-s. 3oey was out of it at lunch) but don't worry. +he horse will win.2 How do you -now I don't -now how I -now) but I do +hen why didn't you bet !ecause then I didn't -now) and I'd ha*e to tal- to 3ulie about it) and she didn't show up @o you thin- 3oey and Pete still thin- I'm guilty <es If I win I'll donate the money to a charity for orphans +hat would be nice ,arao-e runs in si7 minutes He'll run li-e the wind +hat's a clichN +hat's what she said 5hy did she say it Cause it's a clichN <ou're a funny man) !en) a funny man indeed. I guess clichNs e7ist for a reason +hat's another clichN +hat's what she said 5hy did she say it Cause it's a clichN <ou're a funny man) (eorge) a funny man indeed

DE ,arao-e runs in two minutes +ell me something I don't -now I can't. <ou pretty much -now e*erything about me I didn't -now you were gay till two days ago !ecause it didn't matter) right4 +rue ,arao-e springs out of the gate in one minute 0s Pete would say) .et the .ord gal*ani>e him for battle 0men @on't worry (eorge. He'll run li-e the wind <es. +he gun has fired. +he horses spring out the gate and race down the trac-) nudging) pushing) fighting to dominate the inside loop) hoo*es digging into dirt spraying in long spurts) steam snorting from their snouts) manes flapping in the wind) &oc-eys crouched to flow with the beast but also cheer on with force9a dig of the an-les into the belly) the stri-e of the whip across the nec-) the clenched teeth spurting) Jride) you son of a bitch) show me what you got.' ymbiotic they become.

5e lay on our beds and stared at the ceiling and then (eorge said) 1It's o*er.2 He stood up. 1I'm going to ma-e a fruit salad.2 1<ou ha*e a thing for chopping.2 1I do. :ela7es me.2 15ant me to call Holden and find out who won42

DD 1"o. I ha*e a feeling we'll -now pretty soon.2 He was crouched o*er an apple9 hews of green and pin-9and chopping li-e a laser beam) -nife s-irting up and down) in and out from abo*e and under thic- fingers. His mo*ement was so Auic- it almost seemed he wasn't mo*ing the -nife at all) li-e a *iolinist playing a Paganini concerto. I watched him dissect two apples) three bananas) about twenty strawberries) sAuee>e a lemon) add orange &uice and yogurt) and mi7 mi7 mi7) li-e he was a cement mi7er. Fy mouth watered with the coming culinary delight.

(eorge and I were en&oying our fruit salad) &uice tric-ling down our chins) when we heard crowded footsteps down the hallway. +he door opened and in wal-ed 3oey) Pete) and 5arden Holden accompanied by Homey) a massi*e blac- prison guard who no one e*er fuc-ed with. 3oey sauntered with a smile) thin lips wider than I'd e*er seen. 15e won) we're rich. I -new it) I -new it) I -new it. 20#1 we fuc-ing nailed it.2 Pete had a wide grin) li-e the one he finally let show after a fire and brimstone sermon complete with huge arms raised with hea*y fists yearning for redemption. 1+he motherfuc-er won) bless the .ord. 3esus has shined upon the downtrodden masses.2 5arden Holden also smiled and shrugged in austere wonderment. 1It was a great race. ,arao-e won by a nose. It's definitely one for the history boo-s.2 1I ha*e some fruit salad)2 said (eorge) his 0dam's apple gurgling with ner*es. 1I'll ta-e some)2 3oey yelled. 1I li-e your coo-ing)2 Pete said. 1I'll ha*e some.2

DG 15hy not)2 said 5arden Holden and motioned to Homey) 15ould you li-e some42 1+han- you sir) but I'm o-ay.2 (eorge Auic-ly set plastic plates and cutlery on the table. +he unin*ited guests sho*eled the compote onto their plates. I offered 5arden the chair) and then offered Pete and 3oey to sit on my bed. I -new they wouldn't sit on (eorge's bed) where I chose to sit.

Kictorious silence amidst the smac-ing of lips) it seemed all was truly well with a world inclusi*e of all people9white and blac-) straight and gay) inmates and enforcers9 bas-ing in the rarified air of winning) when 5arden Holden mentioned in passing) *oice paternal as can be) 13ust so we don't ha*e a misunderstanding. +he winnings go to me.2 3oey stopped slurping and stared up) eyes large li-e saucers. 15hat42 +he 5arden shrugged. 1I can't let this get out) that I let inmates bet on a horse. I'd get fired.2 3oey stood up. 15hat42 Homey too- two steps forward. 3oey narrowed his pale6green eyes and growled) 1 tay away) nigger.2 Holden swayed his flabby arm li-e a gentle wa*e. 1Please. "o fighting. 3oey) you get your bet money bac-. :eimburse your people. +hey'll bitch but won't brea- your legs. "o harm no foul.2 1$uc- you)2 3oey yelled and too- a step toward the 5arden.

G0 Homey pulled out the pistol from his holster and fired. +he noise struc- my ears with a thousand brass bells. 3oey's thigh sAuirted blood and he crashed to the floor. 1Fotherfuc-ers)2 he whispered) throat tight with pain. 1(od dammed motherfuc-ers.2 5arden Holden set his plate on the table) then stood up and wal-ed up to the door and bu>>ed the gray button. +he camera swer*ed. He loo-ed up into the lens. 1Inmate down trying to attac- me. end medical team immediately.2 5e all sat motionless li-e pillars of ice. 3oey groaned and wriggled in pain on the floor. 5arden Holden stood o*er him and said) 1<ou'll be fine. uperficial wound. !ut you ne*er -now what can go wrong in surgery. 0re you with me42 3oey gasped. 1$uc- you.2 15rong answer)2 said Holden and motioned to Homey who aimed the pistol at 3oey's other thigh. 18-ay) o-ay)2 3oey yelled. +he door swung open. @octor %*ans) the prison doctor) and two guards rushed in with a gurney. +he doctor in&ected 3oey with a big needle. +he s-inny scammer passed out. +he guards loaded him onto the gurney and rushed out) followed by the doctor who said) 1He'll be fine) a surface wound) no ma&or arteries.2 1+han- you @octor)2 the warden said mildly. 1I'll be down to the infirmary shortly.2 +he medical team rushed off. 5arden Holden smiled and shrugged. 1 orry about the drama. I hope you understand. Fy daughter applied to Cambridge) wants to study $rench in %ngland. I as-ed why she won't study $rench in $rance. he loo-ed at me li-e I'm cra>y. Point is)

G1 she needs an education) and education costs money. I hope you understand. I humbly reAuest no further mention about the incident) the horse) or anything else related to this matter. I ta-e great pain in inflicting pain. I'm a reasonable man. 0m I understood42 He loo-ed at Pete who nodded. 1<es sir) 5arden.2 He loo-ed at (eorge who crossed his long arms across his lean chest and too- a deep breath. 1I want to go out to the yard twice a wee-.2 Holden crossed his arms o*er his wilted chest and began to frown) but then raised them in half6mast. 1@one) but let !en coordinate with security and accompany you at all times.2 He loo-ed at me. 1<ou didn't bet on the horse) so you ha*e no dog in this fight. :ight42 I sat on my bed) heart racing li-e a runaway train) mouth dry li-e the ahara at the height of summer. I loo-ed at the floor and said nothing. 1I'll ta-e that as a yes)2 5arden Holden said and motioned to Homey) who wal-ed to the door and stood by while the warden marched out. +hen Holden marched bac- in. He stood o*er Pete and said) 1I -new about the horse before !en told me. I -now e*erything all the time. I'd ha*e shut you down but decided not to. <ou come with me and go tell 3oey that if he messes with !en) he messes with me. 5rong mo*e. (ot it42 1<es sir) 5arden)2 the hefty preacher said and stood up. 1+hat's o-ay)2 I said. 1I can co*er my own ass.2 1Faybe) maybe not)2 Holden said) no malice in his tone. 1<ou don't -now who's innocent or guilty) and you're a wimpy romantic. I li-e you but sometimes I thin- you don't -now shit.2

G2 He wal-ed out) followed by a staggering Pete) whose large arms flailed li-e ragdolls by his side. +hey were gone. +he door shut. (eorge rushed to soa- two towels in water and then got down on his -nees and started to wipe the blood off the floor. 1(ot to do it fast)2 he mumbled) 1otherwise it'll ne*er come out once it's dry and stic-s to the floor.2 I wanted to scream) 15ho gi*es a shit42 !ut I didn't. He wiped off much of the blood) then ran to the toilet and soa-ed the towels in the bowl while flushing se*eral times. He returned to clean up the rest of the blood. I sat on my bed) unable to mo*e or thin-. B B B .ater that night) when we lay in our beds and stared at the ceiling) (eorge said) +here's a common denominator I turned to face the wall and curled my legs up to my stomach. +o what4 +o why we're here) you and me) and to what happened to 3oey today I'm listening 5e're all not guilty of our crime. I didn't molest Candice) you didn't -ill imon) and 3oey didn't deser*e to get shot) but we are guilty of) or responsible for something else I'm listening 5e all pushed too hard. I -new .ouise was trouble) that she was weird) maybe dangerous) but I didn't listen to that *oice. <ou -new when you went to see Kee at the motel that there could be trouble. <ou e*en made up a name so she won't -now you were coming. <ou didn't listen to your rational *oice. I -now you lo*ed her) that you felt hurt

G3 and angry) but you let that control you. 0nd 3oey) he pushed a mountain to get that bet going) -noc-ed on e*ery door) wanted it way too much) li-e you wanted Kee. He could'*e bet small) not mention it to anyone) but he wanted more. He didn't need more <ou can't always get what you want) but it you try real hard) you get what you need 0men I sat up on my bed. 1@o you belie*e 5arden when he says he -new about the bet before I told him about it4 I was ma-ing casual con*ersation) wasn't thin-ing. +he horse meant nothing to me) but 5arden &umped all o*er it. 5hat if I'm responsible4 5hat if 3oey wouldn't ha*e got shot4 5ould 5arden ha*e found out anyway42 1+ough Auestion)2 (eorge said. 1I don't -now. !ut 3oey will heal) maybe learn a lesson li-e you and I did) learn not to push too hard) maybe not push at all.2 I lay down and stared at the ceiling. 8ld Chinese saying# He who is still ma-es air mo*e and with it the uni*erse How old is that saying4 (eorge as-ed. 0bout two seconds old +hat's what I thought I fuc-ed up by opening my big mouth to 5arden. I feel really bad I'm not mad at you. I get my money bac-. "o harm no foul I bet 3oey is Faybe) but you were a bystander in his storm. If he wants to blame you for what happened then he's missing the point. <ou don't blame Kee) and I don't blame .ouise. 5e pushed too hard and got what was coming to us

G= It really is that simple <es I didn't push too hard with 3ulie but I still got dumped <ou didn't. he pushed too hard. !ut no one really got hurt) not e*en a bro-en heart +rue. I'm offended but not crushed) li-e with Kee. hould I write 3ulie a letter4 Probably not. +hen you'd be pushing. he -nows where to find you I guess so. .ay low Can you ta-e me out to the yard tomorrow4 Probably not. (i*e 5arden a few days) maybe a wee- to wor- out security. I'll tal- to him when the time's right +han-s !en. +his has been Auite a day <up. I'm tired. ee you in the morning (ood night (ood night B B B

G?

Fay C

I went to *isit 3oey in the infirmary today. I wal-ed up to his bed. His thigh was hea*ily bandaged9layers of gau>e and tape9but otherwise he loo-ed o-ay) propped up on pillows and eating pi>>a) and watching 8prah on the +K bolted to the wall across his bed. He ignored me. 1How are you feeling42 I as-ed. He shifted his light6green eyes and stared into mine) li-e a haw- measuring a field mouse. +hen) slowly) in a measured *oice) he said) 1I need you to fuc- off and I ne*er want to see you again. I'm not threatening you. I'm &ust telling you to fuc- off.2 1I'm sorry) 3oey)2 I said. He raised his right arm) bony fingers) nails chewed to the flesh. 1 top. <ou're not listening. (et the fuc- out of my face and don't come bac-.2 ilence) thic- as a blunted a7e) weighed hea*ily on the air. 3oey had no forgi*eness in his eyes. I thought of many things to say) words &umbled on my tongue) and said nothing. I nodded and then wal-ed away -nowing I could sin- to my -nees and -iss his toes) but 3oey wouldn't forgi*e me) fore*er and e*er. B B B

GC +hat e*ening) while (eorge was coo-ing blint>es) the door opened and in wal-ed !ig Pete accompanied by Homey the guard) who said) 15arden says Pete is lonely in his cell without 3oey) so now he eat what (eorge coo- and then go bac- to his cell.2 Pete grinned) eyes darting with confusion. eemed he'd shrun- since I'd seen him on the day 3oey was shot) when he followed 5arden) hea*y arms flailing li-e defeated ragdolls. 18f course)2 (eorge Auic-ly said. 15e ha*e plenty to go around. Come in Pete and ma-e yourself at home.2 He gestured to the chair. Homey wal-ed outL the door shut. Pete slumped in the chair) wide shoulders tuc-ed in) a reprimanded child. tanding o*er the hotplate and flipping batter) (eorge said) 1It's not your fault Pete)2 li-e a cluc-y aunt whose fa*orite nephew scraped a -nee. 1It is my fault)2 Pete said) guilty soul lur-ing in his baritone. 1I'm plagued with gluttony and greed. +hat ,arao-e was a test from the .ord) and I'*e failed the .ord's test) abandoned his mission of sal*ation.2 1<ou did nothing of the sort)2 (eorge said and ser*ed the destitute child a fluffy panca-e filled with sour cream and strawberries. 15e all get caught up in temptation. +he .ord is a forgi*ing one) wishing his children to learn) atone) and then mo*e on to bas- in his grace and sing his praise.2 Pete stared at the plate) eyes wide li-e sil*er dollar. 1+his loo-s good.2 1It is good)2 (eorge said and poured fresh batter into the frying pen. +he white paste si>>led and coughed sweetly scented steam.

GE Pete lunged at the food) wide lips slurping and dripping. He was a happy boy) a forgi*en boy) passionate about his food as he is when sermoni>ing his floc- twice a year) raising his fists) demanding (od's lo*e) and a touch of retribution. (eorge smiled with gratitude and I -new he was about to open his big mouth and blab something inappropriate) again) li-e he'd done when he wanted 3oey to belie*e he was innocent. I wasn't about to super*ise him. @one coo-ing another panca-e) this one pac-ed with blueberries and sour cream) (eorge ser*ed the e*er so grateful culinary patron) and said) 1I hope you don't mind that I'm gay.2 1Fy nana dro*e a horse dri*en cart)2 Pete said) li-e he hadn't heard. He smiled at (eorge) wide chin stained with blueberries. 1His name was "ero) li-e the emperor who watched :ome burn) but he wasn't no "ero. He was gentle and -ind) standing in the humid +ennessee sun) flies all o*er his sweaty coat) but he didn't mind) once in a while stomp his hoo*es) and when he did) a tiny cloud of dust floated and then fell bac- into the dirt.2 His smile faded. 15e all fall bac- into the dirt.2 10nd what if we do42 I as-ed. 1Happens to the grass on the hills. 5hat's wrong with that42 1I agree)2 (eorge said and poured batter into the si>>ling frying pan. 1@ecay is part of life) and I belie*e in reincarnation.2 1I want to be in hea*en)2 Pete said. 1I want to sit at the .ord's feet and hear his angels sing the sweetness of eternity.2 1+hat would be nice)2 I said) 1but I don't see that coming after death. +hen again) I don't -now one way or the other.2

GD 1I don't thin- about it much)2 (eorge said. 1+ry to gi*e than-s for what I ha*e.2 10men)2 said Pete) an empty plate before him. I sensed the tingling sweetness chiming at the bac- of this throat. 1I wish to offer you another one)2 (eorge said) 1!ut I wasn't e7pecting company.2 Pete smac-ed his thic- lips yeaning for a half6do>en more. 1I'm satisfied. +hanyou.2 1How's 3oey42 I as-ed. 1"ot happy.2 15hen's he coming bac- to the cell42 10 few days.2 1@o you thin- it's all my fault42 1@on't -now.2 1It's not your fault)2 (eorge said and ser*ed me a panca-e. 1<ou don't -now that)2 I said and too- a bite. 1"o I don't)2 he said) a somewhat impatient aunt in his tone) 1but you and Pete sitting and complaining doesn't help.2 Pete and I sat in silence) on time out) the air warm and moist) while (eorge fretted away with slicing oranges and sprin-ling them with powdered sugar. I loo-ed at Pete and said) 1<ou'll ha*e to e7cuse (eorge) he can be an irritating Aueen sometimes.2 Pete shrugged. 1I don't care that (eorge is gay. +he .ord paints in many a hue and color. 5ho am I to stand in His way42

GG (eorge smiled. 1+han- you.2 I saw him open his mouth and almost as-) 1 o you also -now I'm innocent) right42 but he puc-ered his lips and swallowed the words and ser*ed the sliced oranges. 1I'd li-e if 3oey was here) but maybe his path leads otherwise.2 13oey's a good man)2 Pete said) teeth tearing the orange meat from the peel. 1I agree)2 (eorge said. I shrugged. 15hate*er.2

5e sat and tal-ed for a while) three souls) comfortably familiar. +hen the door opened and Homey wal-ed in. Pete stood up slowly. He didn't want to lea*e) didn't want to be alone) missed falling asleep with 3oey ya--ing in the dar-) building towers of cards. He shuffled toward the open door. 1I'll see you guys later.2 1+han-s Pete. <ou are good company)2 (eorge said. 1+a-e care) bro)2 I said. 1 ee you at mess hall for lunch tomorrow. 5e'll go out in the yard.2

.ater that night) (eorge and me lying in our beds and staring at the ceiling) he said) 1Pete is a good man) an honest man.2 I sensed he was about to gush) and I didn't want to hear the details of how it felt to ha*e a con*ersation with another human being) how the isolation barrier eased its grip for moment. I appreciated the gra*itas) but I was tired) so I said) 1I'm going to close the door.2 18-ay)2 he Auic-ly said. 1(ood night.2 1(ood night.2

100 8ne more Auestion 8-ay. 5ere you in lo*e with 3ulie4 I'm not sure How can you not be sure4 "o) I'm sure. I lo*e her) really li-e her as a person) but I'm not in lo*e with her Faybe the Jin lo*e' part is much to do about little "o. I was in lo*e with Kee +hat didn't bode well "o) but I -now the feeling !etter to ha*e lo*ed and lost than not to ha*e lo*ed at all4 I don't -now "either do I B B B

101

Fay D

Pete *isited for three more nights. 8n the third night he said) 13oey's coming bac- to the cell tomorrow) so I won't be seeing you guys for a while.2 1Faybe you'll tal- him into coming by)2 (eorge said. Pete shoo- his big head. 1+hat's not going to happen.2 1"o it's not)2 I said. ,arao-e's aga began to fade. In 3oey's fa*or) he'd actually hired a legit accountant who Auic-ly arranged for the seed money returned to all those who'd bet) aside form one 5arden Holden) who earned about half a million dollars. Pete had mentioned the accountant was under se*ere pressure from 3oey and the warden to Jdo the numbers right) or else)' accompanied by *ague if ominous outcomes if he pro*ed to be dishonest. B B B It seemed life was returning to welcome mundane) when (od's 3ustice was handed down in the form of a letter deli*ered to cell 10C in the late morning. +he letter was addressed to (eorge9the first time he'd recei*ed correspondence in about a year)

102 the three other letters coming from his sister who) in her final letter) disowned him for the per*ert he was. +he standard en*elope was white) and the labels) both recei*er and sender) were typed and glued neatly. I figured it was some official crap) when (eorge said) 1It's from Candice.2 His *oice shoo- li-e clotheslines in a bli>>ard. I sat up on my bed. 10re you sure42 1<es.2 He lay on his bed) and loo-ed at me. 1I need to close the door.2 18f course)2 I said) and then placed the headphones o*er my ears and turned to face the wall. 0bout fifteen minutes passed with !ill %*ans while I achingly wondered what the letter said. I then pee-ed o*er my shoulder. +he letter was on the floor by the bed. (eorge lay on the bed and was weeping li-e a willow. I sat up. 15hat is it42 He pointed to the letter. I reached to pic- up the page. 1Can I read it42 (eorge nodded) then turned to face the wall and -ept on crying. Hands sha-ing) I reclined on the bed and read the neatly typed words#

Dear 1eor e, Im writin to let you know that I ha#e a lawyer who will help you et out of 2ail. I told him that nothin happened, that my mom told me to lie about what I said about you. Im si!teen now, and le ally eman&ipated from my mom. Im so sorry for what I did to you. I dont know what to say. Im s&ared. I promise to do anythin I &an so you &an be free. 3lease try to for i#e me. Im sorry. Candi&e

103

I placed the letter o*er my belly and loo-ed up at the ceiling. (eorge sobbed. +he @.. web lay empty. 3ulie was gone. 3oey hated me. Kee was Kee. I wasn't a -iller. !ut more than anything) shining through the moral debris and social decay) came the *oice of 3ustice) of 0bsolution) and what a serene *oice it was9a loon on a misty morning) pelican wings s-irting the calm ocean ripples at sunset) the coo Kee e7haled when she came. (eorge) an innocent man) had been redeemed. +ears formed in my eyes and one slithered from the corner of my right eye and s-irted down my chee-. +he lo*ely clarity of the moment was almost too much to bear9 the Perfect Pni*erse. I sat up on the bed and wanted to say) JI'm so happy for you)' or) JI always -new this would happen)' or) Jinnocence) li-e cream) rises to the top)' but then said) 1I'm going to ma-e a fruit salad.2 0nd I did) though without the grace (eorge used in handling a cutting -nife. I chopped two apples and two bananas and eight strawberries and mi7ed in some 83 and sAuee>ed a lemon. I spooned some into a bowl and came up to (eorge. He'd stopped crying but was still lying on his bed and facing the wall. 1%nough sul-ing for one day)2 I said. 1I -now you'*e been listening to me chopping. $or you) the chopping master) I probably sound li-e a clumsy boy shrie-ing his bow across a *iolin) but I tried. $ruit salad isn't brain surgery or Fo>art) so spare me the purple prose and eat your salad.2 (eorge sat up and set the bowl in his lap. His eyes were red) limpness about how he held the spoon. +he animal no longer on the run) the wall of primal instinct and

10= adrenals had collapsed) followed by the e7haustion of great relief9a new and thus s-eptical reality) howe*er encouraging it seemed in the eyes of Cosmic 3ustice. (eorge too- a bite and smiled) showing familiar wrin-les around his mouth) but ones also formed in the time it too- to read his innocent *erdict. 1It's good.2 1I agree)2 I said and lay on my bed. +hen he said) 1I need to close the door tonight.2 18-ay.2 I was disappointed) but the moment wasn't about me.

I fell asleep in a brew of confusion and clarity) li-e I was trying to grab a branch swinging in the wind# (eorge will be out real soon) and I'll be Auic- to follow. 5e'll meet on the outside and chuc-le li-e fo7hole doughboys who'd won the war. 8r would we4 Faybe worldly stimuli will crush our solitary intimacy) as it had done with many prison pals. ur*i*al had her needs) and when circumstances changed) so did her wants. +hat wasn't good nor bad) it &ust was;.

0t nine the ne7t morning) I reAuested and was soon granted time with 5arden Holden. +he demure man sitting across the wide oa- des- was the same man I'd -nown for almost eight years) if Auite a bit wealthier. I didn't care how wealthy he was. I was there to claim my own winnings) my sure gamble) but he &umped my *ictory trumpet and said) 1I still thin- he's guilty.2 I shrugged. 10nd you're still wrong) but pride is hard to swallow.2 Holden shoo- his head. 1I'm not a prideful man) only well schooled in life.2

10? 1<ou're a most competent and pragmatic man)2 I said) 1but no one is perfect. %*en you ma-e mista-es) li-e shooting 3oey. +hat was insane.2 5arden Holden swirled his swi*el chair and placed his feet on the des-. 1He's going to be fine. He left himself wide open. 8n the outside he'd be dead long ago.2 1<ou don't -now that.2 He loo-ed at me li-e a parent rolling his eyes at his -id who let the scoop of ice cream drop off the cone. 10nd neither do you. I still say I -now an innocent man when I see one) li-e I see you. <ou're innocent. (eorge is not.2 +he smug con*iction in his *oice bothered me) but I was also tired of arguing. +o change his mind would be li-e me becoming religious. o) for the last time) I said) 1<ou're right about me) but wrong about (eorge. Can we lea*e it at that42 Holden too- his feet off the des-. 1I can do that. o why are you here42 1I'm here to beg you to o*ercome your bias and e7pedite (eorge's release. <ou could ha*e him out Auic-ly) if you wa*e his bail. He's not a flight ris-) not going anywhere. Fo*e him out of here soon) play the system. "o one plays it better.2 +he warden sat up in his chair) a glint of anger in his eyes. 1I'll do that for you) !en. <ou'*e been an e7emplary con*ict) and I feel your pain) but after today) I need you to complete the short time left on your sentence without seeing me or tal-ing to me. .et us appreciate how we'*e helped each other o*er the years) but also cease to associate other than legally needed.2 I stood up. 1<es 5arden. I feel the same way. +han-s for your support o*er the years. <ou're a good warden.2 10nd you're a good inmate) !en.2

10C He didn't offer to sha-e my hand) and I didn't offer to sha-e his. I wasn't afraid of him. 5arden Holden) e*en though he shot 3oey) and thus was insane) was also a reasonable man who didn't thri*e on someone else's misery. How he wo-e up e*ery morning to the clatter of his responsibility) and how calmly he'd performed his duty) was beyond my understanding. I'd lose my mind in a day if I had to wal- in his shoes. B B B I left Holden's office and wal-ed to the mess hall) where Pete and I dined on lousy meatloaf and cheesy macaroni. 13oey ain't sociable yet)2 he said between large bites. 1$uc- 3oey and the horse he rides)2 I said and dipped a slice of 5onder bread in the gra*y. 1I'm out of here soon enough.2 +hen I told Pete about the letter) and how (eorge was going to be e7onerated. 10men)2 the preacher said) wide chee-s stuffed with cheesy noodles. 1(od's grace finds a way to shine through the muc-. (eorge is a good man. I'm sorry I doubted his innocence. 2 1 aying sorry is hard but also liberating)2 I said. 5e dined in satisfied silence) the camaraderie of forgi*eness amongst us) fueled by large amounts of empty carbohydrates. I wanted to go to the yard and chec- on the oa- trees) but I also wanted to see how (eorge was doing. He'd soon see the oa- trees and didn't need an update. I entered cell 10C and saw (eorge pac-ing his stuff. His mo*ements were &ittery) li-e he was &uggling scorpions) ner*ous li-e I'd ne*er seen. 15hat's going on42 I as-ed.

10E 1I'm lea*ing)2 he said and didn't loo- at me) busied himself with curling a pair of soc-s into a ball. 15arden says I can go li*e in a half6way house while the case gets dismissed.2 1+hat's great)2 I said. 1<es) it is)2 (eorge said) 1but it's happening too Auic-ly. I hoped for a few days to let my mind ad&ust. @id you tal- to the warden about me42 I did) but9 5hy did you4 I didn't as- you to !ecause I wanted him to e7pedite the case 5hy4 I didn't as- you to <ou didn't ha*e to. <ou're my friend and I wanted to help !ut I didn't as- for your help I don't get it (eorge. 5hy are you upset4 !ecause it wasn't any of your business) li-e it wasn't any of your business to tell warden about the horse I threw my arms up in the air. 1$uc- you) fuc- 3oey) fuc- Holden) and fuc- the horses you all ride.2 (eorge drew the >ipper across his pac-ed suitcase. 1I -now you're trying to help but you ha*e to pay attention) li-e with Kee.2 15hat about Kee42 1!eing where you shouldn't ha*e been) wal-ing into the wind.2 I lay on my bed) Auite done with e*eryone and e*erything. I faced the wall and said) 1.et no good deed go unpunished.2

10D 0 few moments passed in stuffy silence when the bu>>er sounded and the door opened. Homey wal-ed in and) thic- nec- tilting toward the door) motioned (eorge to the new life awaiting him. (eorge too- hold of his suitcase and loo-ed at me. His eyes were layered with fear of the un-nown. 1I'm sorry)2 I blurted) o*erwhelmed by the rapid change. 1@on't lea*e angry. I'm sorry. I was only trying to help.2 His shoulders slumped. 1I'm scared. !een alone so long.2 I stood up. 1<ou'll be fine) (eorge. 3ust be yourself. 0nd if anyone says anything &ust show them the letter and tell them to fuc- off.2 He smiled with great weariness. 1I'm tired of their eyes. o many hateful eyes. I didn't ha*e to see their eyes when I li*ed here. Faybe I'm more free here than I'll e*er be on the outside.2 +he defeat in his *oice alarmed me) but I didn't -now how to help) e7cept to say) 1+hat's bullshit. <ou'll be fine. Please *isit me. .et's plan for the Costa :ica trip. In si7 months we'll be in Parimisa on the 0tlantic coast.2 1+ime to go)2 Homey said. 1I'll write and *isit.2 (eorge offered a sha-ing and sweaty palm. 1+a-e care.2 1<ou too) (eorge.2 I wanted to offer a hug) but decided not to. 1I'll see you soon.2 He wal-ed out. +he door shut. +he camera swer*ed to cell o*er*iew) and I was left to lie in my bed and stare at the empty @.. nest. Fore strands had loosened and waited for gra*ity to further ensla*e them.

10G 0ll nests ser*e their time) and this one had done well) but I sensed that no more @..'s would come to li*e in it. Fy bones rattled with fatigue;.welcome) blessed slumber) welcome;. B B B

Fay 1?

0 wee- has passed since (eorge left cell 10C. I ha*en't heard from him. "either ha*e I heard from 3ulie. I choose to eat alone when I go to the mess hall) a*oiding 3oey who'd returned to public and dined with Pete. I was alone again) the pouty boy who frowned because nobody lo*ed him. It was true) though. "obody lo*ed me. "o one ga*e a shit if I li*ed or died. Fy life was random moments that faded into a grey past and san- into the swamp of passing years. 0 rudderless man I'd become) floating in a demilitari>ed >one surrounded by barren hills and minefields. I went out to the yard e*ery day and lay on the hard ground and let the sun caress my face. +he dry hills) dead grass now fine dust) was the decay in my soul) but the oa- trees loo-ed well in their green coats) twisted branches reaching up li-e arthritic fingers.

Pete *isited me one e*ening. 5e sat mostly in silence) not a comfortable one) but neither an uneasy one9the silence of numb bewilderment of e*ents whi>>ing by. 1I miss (eorge's coo-ing)2 he said.

110 1Fe too. <our church group is *isiting ne7t wee-end.2 10nd not a moment too soon)2 the preacher said. 1I need their lo*e.2 1I'm sure they'll help.2 ilence lingered for a while) and then he said) 13oey hates your guts. I don't. I li-e you. I -now it wasn't your fault that 5arden found out about the horse. "o way could 3oey hide it. !ut he won't listen to me.2 1@on't worry about it)2 I said. 1He'll come around soon enough.2 1Probably)2 Pete said) and we sat in silence) until I spo-e about (eorge and me ta-ing a *acation to Costa :ica) how we planned a reunion while reclining in beach chairs and watching the sun si>>le into the ocean. 1I'll be out in three years)2 Pete said. 1Can you ta-e me there42 1I thin- that's a good idea)2 I said) li-e I was tal-ing to a boy) cause that's what Pete was9a sweet and peaceful man who) as a teenager) fell into the torrent of ignorance and hormones) ran o*er an old lady wal-ing her poodle) and had paid the price. How muffled the belltowers of human &ustice ring. 8n the other hand) in a twist of logic I wasn't sure I could defend) I also felt that maybe prison sa*ed Pete from a worse fate. (ullible and lac-ing malice) he would'*e been gobbled up by the shar-s) but in prison) where he had a bed and three sAuares) he sur*i*ed in relati*e peace. He e*en founded his own church. I couldn't decide if Pete's incarceration was) in the long run) better for him than li*ing in the urban &ungle. Fore silence ensued) and then Pete stood up) huge thighs wriggling li-e &ello. 1I gotta go. Please honor me with your presence when I spea- my sermon.2 15ouldn't miss it for the world)2 I said. 1 a*e me a table.2

111 Pete left) and I remained to lie on my bed and stare at the empty and crumbling @.. nest. +he emptiness in my life was complete. I had no idea what to do ne7t so I did nothing. I wanted to lie on my bed fore*er or until the uni*erse shoo- me to ta-e notice.

Fay 1E

0s I write) my wrist is sha-ing with unbearable confusion. I want to tear a hole in the cosmic fabric and crawl into infinity's warm and lo*ing womb. !ut I can't;.what will I do444 +oday) after eating lunch by myself) 3oey glaring at me from across the mess hall) I wal-ed out to the yard and lay on the hard earth. +he sun was e7ceptionally hot) but the oa- trees swayed in the si>>ling bree>e and po-ed their tongue at the bright star. I was sAuinting at the sun when a shadow came o*er my face and I saw a blac- man) about thirty) with high chee-bones and -ind eyes. 15assup man)2 he said. 1"ot much. How can I help you42 1<ou !en4' 1<es.2 1<ou the guy -illed imon42 I sat up Auic-ly and brushed the dirt off my shirt. 1I'*e been con*icted of -illing imon) but I'm innocent. 5hat's it to you42 1+hat's bullshit) man) you being innocent and all.2

112 I stood up) scared and curious. +he blac- man with the -ind eyes wasn't threatening. His words rang with a matter of fact. I narrowed my eyes. 15ho are you42 1I'm +yrone) friend of imon and Kee. I was there the night you -illed him.2 I too- a deep breath and recogni>ed the young man who) eight years ago) sat in the coffee house) across the table from imon) while I ea*esdropped on their con*ersation) one centered on Kee &oining :edboo- and selling her pussy for 300 buc-s an hour. Fy s-in crawled with worms of dread. 1I'm sorry that imon died) sorry about what happened with Kee. I didn't mean for anything bad to happen) &ust wanted to see her one more time and tal- to her. I didn't -ill imon. He swung at me and slipped on the oily asphalt.2 +yrone laughed healthy teeth. 1<ou cra>y) man. I saw you punch him hard in the stomach. +hen he slipped and smashed his head on the ground.2 I frowned) fear now clutching my throat. 1+hat's bullshit.2 +he blac- man shrugged) eyes clear with certainty. 1I ain't here to fuc- with you) man. hit happens. 3ust wanted to chec- you out. 0in't loo-ing for trouble. I -now you're buds with 5arden) but I -now what I seen. I was sitting in a car ne7t to Kee's room) bac-up. I saw you come up to the door. Kee said a white dude) @an) from eattle) was coming) so I figured you were that guy. +hen she opened the door and started to frea- out) and then imon came at you with a swing. <ou duc-ed and punched him in the gut) laid into him li-e a motherfuc-er. He fell bac-wards and slipped after you punched him.2 I clenched my fists tighter than e*er and yelled) 1I didn't -ill him.2

113 +yrone raised his arms to half6mast. 15hate*er man)2 and then turned his bac- on me and began to swagger bac- to the corner of the yard where other young blac- men congregated. 1I don't belie*e you)2 I yelled after him) my *oice crac-ing with awful doubt. 1+hat's not the way I remember what happened.2 +yrone turned to me for the last time and said) 1<ou were fuc-ed up) man. "o way you remember shit of what happened. I was there) sober) cause I was on duty. I saw e*erything up close) so fuc- you and what you do or don't remember.2

I sat on the hard earth and buried my head in my hands. at there for a long time) until the horn sounded for e*eryone to return to their cells. I staggered to my cage) alone) browbeaten li-e ne*er before in my whole pathetic life) and ha*e since been trying to capture my sanity by writing in this noteboo-. I'm condemned to hell on earth. I'*e ne*er been lonelier. How I wish (eorge was here to help me face the beast of guilt sin-ing her putrid fangs into my throat;.what would he say4 I imagined him lying on the bed) -nitting at warp speed and sha-ing his head. 1@on't blame yourself about the punch. <ou were acting on impulse) instinct) in self defense) &ust another manifestation of you pushing too hard to see Kee) li-e I did with dating .ouise) and 3oey did with the horse.2 I shoo- my head and bit my lower lip. 1!ut if I didnMt punch him he wouldn't slip and crac- his s-ull. He'd end up punching me) which would'*e been a better outcome. He wouldn't be dead and I wouldn't be in prison.2

11= 1He was a pimp ta-ing ad*antage of the woman you lo*ed)2 (eorge said. 1He was also pushing too hard) way too hard. !oth your paths con*erged o*er a slippery dri*eway and both of you paid a hea*y price for your impatience. <ou committed the crime when you decided to stal- her) ignored her needs) and pretended to be @an from eattle.2 1How can it be that I don't remember punching him4 %*erything else that happened seems so clear in my mind.2 15e're all Auite good at suppressing what we want to forget. <our subconscious isn't ready to deal with your crime. Happens all the time.2 1!ut I -illed a manTT2 (eorge lay down his -nitting rods and loo-ed at me with solemn eyes. 1<ou didn't -ill him. <ou punched him in the gut in self defense. It's circumstantial. +hat's why you got second degree and eight years.2 1How can I li*e with the guilt42 1I don't -now. It will ta-e time) and we ha*e time. I'll be here when you need to tal-. .et me ma-e us tuna salad sandwiches while I try to ma-e another point about what happened and why you need to forgi*e yourself;..2 (eorge opened a can of tuna) spooned the meat into a bowl) added mayo and pepper) and mashed the contents. +hen he finely chopped celery) garlic) and a tomato. 5ith the -nife) he scraped the *egetables across the cutting board and into the bowl. 1+hat loo-s good)2 I said. 1It is good.2 He stirred the food with a wide spoon and then dished out the salad onto two brown ceramic plates. I placed the plate on my thighs and too- a bite. +he

11? celery was crunchy) the garlic >esty) and the tomato had a calming presence) while the white meat and mayo wrapped my tongue in soggy delight. It then occurred to me what I must do to try to atone for my sin. 1I'm going to find Kee when I get out. I ha*e to e7plain myself) say how sorry I am.2 1+hat's a bad idea)2 (eorge said. 1Faybe) maybe not)2 I said) and let my ne*er6ending need to see Kee wash o*er my soul. I'd learned to contain that need. I thought about her e*ery day) e*en when I was Jdating 3ulie.' Part of me was always ready for the email or the phone call or letter) when Kee would be in touch. 0nd to this day and fore*er) I'll happily march to the ends of the %arth in Auest of a rare orchid she pines for. 1!ut you'll be wal-ing into the wind;again.2 1It's a different wind) and I won't get drun- and I won't lie) though I still may need to trac- her down in clandestine ways.2 1+hat's cra>y)2 (eorge said) a huff about him. 1Ha*en't you learned your lesson42 1I ha*e) but I ha*e to) need to see her one more time so I can apologi>e)2 I said and reali>ed I'd found my Auest. .et the meeting with Kee ta-e place) and then9affected by the results of the meeting9I could ma-e further plans. Her response will show me the way. +here was an e7cellent chance she'd slap me and seethe) 1(o away you fuc-head)2 but another outcome loomed) perhaps a slighter one# she'd start to cry) and I would too. 5e'd hug and I'd whisper) 1I'm so sorry)2 and she would say the same) and after we were done crying) we'd ha*e coffee and share comfortable silence. +hen she'd stand up

11C and say) 1I'm glad we got to say we're sorry) to try to close the circle) but I really need to mo*e on without you.2 1I understand. aying goodbye li-e this is perfect. I want you to be happy.2 Kee smiled) the insecure girl e*er present in her lo*ely eyes. 1I want you to be happy too) !en. I really do. I wish you the *ery best.2 he leaned in to -iss my forehead) a dar- curl brushing across my face) a whiff of la*ender perfume) the one that meshed with her s-in;. Kee wal-ed off) turned one last time to wa*e) and left me sitting at the table at the sidewal- cafN;. 1I -now you thin- I'm cra>y) but I got to try)2 I told (eorge) now bac- to -nitting. 1I &ust don't thin- it's a good idea.2 1Faybe you're right. I got four months to mull it o*er. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get out.2 I wanted to appease him) to drop the sub&ect. Fy mind was clear with purpose he didn't appro*e of. I needed to Jclose the door' on that one. Fy heart beat with childish glee9I was going to see Kee again) needed to see her one more time. (eorge lay down the rods and smiled at me. 1+hat's a good idea. Full it o*er. 0re you going to be o-ay about what happened with imon42 1I don't -now. o much to thin- about.2 1<ou didn't -ill him) !en. It was an accident.2 1%asy for you to say. <ou didn't -ill a man) or at least contribute to his death.2 1+hat's true.2 5ith my renewed sense of purpose pulsating happily in my *eins9I will see Kee again9I turned to face the wall and said) 1Faybe I should sleep on it.2

11E 1"aps are so ci*ili>ed)2 (eorge said. 1I wish I could ta-e naps.2 B B B

Fay 1D

I wo-e up feeling lucid) the *ision of my time and con*ersation with (eorge clear in my mind. I loo-ed for the tuna salad but the table was barren. I sniffed the air in search for the scent of garlic) but the air was stale. <et) (eorge had *isited with me) his spirit) coo-ing and -nitting) commenting wisely with a snippet of a cluc-y hen. He tried to alle*iate my guilt and failed) when the truth occurred to me9I must see Kee one more time. 5a-ing up to that *ital cause still made sense) maybe more so. I was guilty of so many things;where could I begin to heal if not through Kee9the prism to my -armic lesson4 I grie*ed for imon) but (eorge had stated that imon) li-e me) was pushing too hard) way too hard) the way he came through the door with his fists flailing. I -new why he did that# he was in lo*e with Kee) wanted to protect her in per*erse ways. I now felt his helpless resol*e9how similar it was to mine) both men in search of true lo*e. imon) li-e me) wanted to march to the ends of the earth in search of a wild orchid she'd pined for. +he circular clarity) wrapped in ambiguity) was the same one I'd grown to e7pect) yet wondrous in new ways. I was so *ery happy and so) so sad. I turned to face the wall and cried for all that had gone wrong. +he tears washed through me in

11D streams of memories) bad and good) sad and funny. I was bathing in the pool of my tears when the door bu>>er sounded and I was greatly startled. +he door swung open and Homey wal-ed in. 15arden wants you in his office.2 I sat up and rubbed my eyes. 15hat's up42 1"ot my business what's up. Fy business gettin' you to warden's office.2 18-ay;.gi*e me a minute.2 Homey raised a forefinger thic- li-e a sausage. 18ne minute)2 and wal-ed out. I too- a pee) washed my face) brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I was an7ious to why 5arden Holden wanted to see me. 8nly yesterday he'd made the point we shouldn't associate anymore. Fy stomach shrun-. omething happened to (eorge) or maybe bad news about 3ulie. (reat calamity lur-ed in my heart while I wal-ed to the warden's office. I entered the office and tried to contain myself while clasping my cold palms. 15hat's wrong42 5arden Holden sat behind his big des-) more demure than e*er) yet still pac-ing the fist shrouded within the *el*et glo*e. 15hy do you thin- something's wrong42 1I thought we're strictly business. Is (eorge o-ay42 1He's fine.2 1Hear anything about 3ulie42 1"o.2 1 o why am I here42 5arden Holden placed his small feet on the des-. 1<ou're getting out) !en) you're getting out.2 15hatT42 Fy -nees wobbled.

11G 1I pulled a few strings on your behalf. .i-e you said) no one plays the system better than I do.2 He rapped a -nuc-le twice on the des-. 1.ast night I got thin-ing about you all alone in that cell without your buddy (eorge) and I felt bad for you. <ou're innocent) he's guilty) yet he's out and you're in. 3ust didn't ma-e sense) so I'm letting you go.2 He loo-ed at me and shrugged his sloping shoulders. 1(o li*e your life. <ou'll be at the halfway house with (eorge for si7ty days. (et bac- on your feet.2 I stood bent o*er) almost crouching. Fy shoulders weighed a ton. 15hen42 1"ow. (o pac-.2 1I -illed him)2 I heard myself say. 5arden raised bushy eyebrows. 1,illed who42 1 imon. I punched him) then he slipped and hit his head.2 5arden twirled his wrist. 10nd your point is42 1+hat is wasn't an accident.2 1I -now that) !en.2 15hat do you mean42 1I -now that you punched him.2 1!ut you say I'm innocent.2 1<ou are.2 1!ut if I didn't punch him maybe he wouldn't slip and hit his head.2 5arden Holden let out a short snort. 1He'd be dead soon anyway) &un-y pimp) worthless piece of shit. <ou did us all a fa*or.2 I shoo- my head. 1+hat's really cynical.2

120 5arden chuc-led. 1 ee4 +here you go again) clueless) li-e you were with the horse) or with 3ulie.2 15hat are you tal-ing about42 15hat am I tal-ing about42 5arden Holden placed his elbows on the des- and cupped his palms. 1"o matter) !en. @on't wallow in guilt. +hat's clueless bullshit. (o li*e.2 He stood up and wal-ed o*er to me and offered a warm and sincere handsha-e. 5arden Holden was a reasonable man and truly belie*ed he was) and I did too) grateful for his pragmatic lean. I'd li*ed under his command for eight years) and ne*er did I find fault in his decisions) e7cept the one when he shot 3oey. how me a better ratio in one man's respect of another man's conduct) and I'll concede that 5arden Holden was a bad man) but until you do) I maintain that he was a reasonable man) though I wouldn't want to wal- in his shoes e*en for a minute.

I returned to cell 10C and lay on my bed. I needed to pac- but I also didn't want to mo*e. I loo-ed up to the far right corner# the two strands that had dangled from the @.. nest were gone. +hat was strange. I figured they'd linger a few more days. +hen I saw the spider crawling about the web) busy mending the crumbling infrastructure. I stood up and slowly wal-ed closer until my nose was inches away from the web. He was a sturdy fellow filled with gusto) his mission simple) his calling from (od as clear as it is to all li*ing creatures) bright or dim) great and small. I was a million times bigger and smarter yet nothing about my life eclipsed his. "othing. 5e were eternally eAual in the eyes of cosmic design. +hat was an e7pansi*e feeling that also shrun- my stomach. $or a

121 moment) I wished to stay for eighteen more days and follow the spider on his Auest to try to win the longe*ity match) to become the ne7t Fethuselah) but I needed to pac-) so I could lea*e the cell fore*er. +he @..'s didn't -now if I came or went) or maybe they did. Fany con*icts) li-e most people) would choose to wipe away the web) li-e it was dirty. How ludicrous is that4 If you'd rather ha*e arid space at the corner of your wall rather than one graced with a @.. nest) then I say you're missing the point;.but let me off the soapbo7;.time to pac- my bags and go bac- to the real world. I'm loo-ing forward to seeing (eorge. I'm *ery e7cited to find Kee and tell her how sorry I am for what happened. Faybe I'm done with this diary) &ournal) whate*er it is. 3ulie wanted me to write it) so I did) and then she bailed) but I -ept on writing anyway. .i-e (eorge said) 15hen's the last time anyone felt bad about -eeping a diary42 I placed two bread crumbs in the web. +he @@. cowered and stood still. 1@on't worry)2 I said. 1It's only bread crumbs) good for you. orry I ha*e to lea*e. How about I name you @a*id4 +hat's a good) strong name. @a*id beat (oliath. Faybe you'll beat all who came before you) loo-s li-e you're young and healthy. +a-e care and good luc-. I wish you the best.2 B B B

122

Fay 2?

Fy name is (eorge. I was !en's cellmate for two years. I'm writing in his &ournal because !en can no longer -eep one. !en was -illed a wee- ago. It happened on his last day in prison) while he was wal-ing from cell 10C toward the main gate and his freedom. 0s he wal-ed past the laundromat) 3oey) wielding a -nife) came out from behind one of the dryers. He stabbed !en three times in the bac- and pierced his heart. Fy good friend bled to death lying on a concrete floor stained with all that ma-es man the animal he is. I recei*ed the news at the halfway house I'm li*ing at) while trying to acclimate myself to the outside9how ominous and desperate it feels) yet also beautiful. 8*ercome by great distress) I too- a long wal-) witnessed the trees and birds) toddlers in the bac-yard) teenagers wal-ing hand6in6hand) and so many other sights. I shared those sights with !en) who'd ne*er li*e to see them. He's with me fore*er) a most genuine man free of malice) whose life too- the unsettling turn we're all prone to ta-e when we cross paths with unreAuited lo*e. He was a man who spo-e his mind) but who could also apologi>e. I find that an agreeable combination. 5hy his life con*erged to end in horrible *iolence) ma-es no sense to me. I cannot properly deduce the collapsing dominos of chance9from meeting Kee to falling in lo*e with her) to stal-ing her and falling into a

123 frea- accident) to being &ailed when ,arao-e was ready to run) and when !en) without second thought) had mentioned the horse to the warden;.and all that followed;. I wal-ed for hours) grief entwined with the sacred dawn of another day) my new life glistening before me while !en's had been e7tinguished. I returned to my room at si7 in the morning. I couldn't sleep. I was lost. +here is no 3ustice in the world.

+he phone call came from the prison95arden Holden reAuesting I come to collect !en's belongings. I too- the bus. 0n hour later I witnessed the walls that had lost their power o*er me. 5hat a wic-ed place. !en's life was pac-ed in two small suitcases that waited for me at the warden's office. I wal-ed in and stood by the door. Holden was pacing the floor) left to right) unli-e the measured man !en had described to me) the one I'd seen coolly shoot 3oey. I stood Auietly and let him pace when he turned to me and said) 1How could I let this happen4 How could I let !en die42 1I'm sorry) 5arden)2 I said. 1He li-ed you.2 10nd I li-ed him.2 Holden pounded a fist on his chest. 1!ut I failed him.2 I said !en wouldn't thin- that way. 15e can't -now e*erything all the time.2 5arden Holden stopped pacing and came to order. 1It's my &ob to -now e*erything all the time) and I fuc-ed up. I can't belie*e 3oey had me snowed.2 Fany responses came to my mind) but none were said. 5arden was contrite9that was easy to see in his furrowed brow9but his world was so utterly insane) one I couldn't fathom li*ing in for e*en a minute. I shrugged and said) 1It's all about that horse) the bet. 5e were all pushing too hard.2

12= 5arden Holden marched to sit in the swi*el chair behind his des-. 1He died on my watch. I fuc-ed up) badly.2 1I'm sorry sir)2 I said) and wanted to add) J5ell) loo- who's sometimes wrong; li-e belie*ing I'd molest a girl) li-e belie*ing !en was innocent) and not to mention you're a greedy and corrupt man who's directly responsible for !en's death.' 10ll I can say is that !en thought you were a good warden and an agreeable man.2 5arden sighed. 1+hat I am.2 He placed his feet on the des- and saluted me. 1!e on your way. tay out of trouble.2 1+han- you) sir)2 I said and turned to lea*e when he said) 1"o good deed goes unpunished. I wanted to help !en) get him out so he could spend time with you. I -now how it feels to be away from your lo*er) but I should'*e minded my own business. +hen 3oey would ha*e time to cool off. Fy generous act ended up -illing !en.2 I wanted to say) 1"o. <our generous act wasn't what -illed !en. It's your unscrupulous greed and corruption that are directly responsible for !en's death.2 I was also upset by his comment that implied !en and me were lo*ers. How obtuse. I wanted to lea*e) so I said) 1+ry not to blame yourself. !en ended up here because of his own -armic predicament.2 5arden sat up in his chair) his smallness ne*er smaller. 1,armic predicament4 5hat's that42 I pointed to !en's suitcases. 1I'm sorry) but I'm really e7hausted. I need to go lie down. I'd li-e to be responsible for the funeral. I ha*e a plot reser*ed. Please assist me in the legal process so !en can ha*e a dignified burial. I'll carry all costs incurred.2

12? 18f course)2 5arden said and shran- in his chair. 1,eep me informed as to your needs.2 I opened the door) too- hold of the suitcases) and then nodded amicably and wal-ed out. I hoped to ne*er see him again. I returned to my room at the halfway house where I opened !en's suitcases and went through his stuff9an old wash bag) faded shirts and pants) briefs calling for a trashcan) two pairs of winded shoes) and a yellow noteboofilled with his confessions. I poured myself a glass of wine and read his thoughts) some of which I'd -nown well. ilent camaraderie embraced me while I read !en's diary. I -new he'd appro*e me of doing so) and I appro*ed of his reflections) e*en the one when he coined me Ja cluc-y hen.' 8ne thing that came to mind while I read the &ournal was that !en deser*ed a eulogy) and that !ig Pete should deli*er the final words. !en wasn't religious) but he li-ed Pete's fire and brimstone sermons) and en&oyed attending the meetings of Pete's congregation and listening to the gospel choir. I followed !en's wish) who'd once mentioned he didn't want to be cremated) that being buried was probably the lesser of two e*ils. I honored his need and ha*e purchased plot 10DD at the north6eastern corner of Home of Peace cemetery. I called the warden the ne7t morning and as-ed if Pete could ha*e a pass to attend and eulogi>e the funeral due the ne7t day at two in the afternoon. 1Consider it done)2 5arden Holden replied) guilt lingering in his throat. 1I'm afraid I won't be able to ma-e it. +a7 season.2 18f course)2 I said) Auite relie*ed. 1I -now you'll be here in spirit.2

12C I then went shopping for groceries. +he local paper had a front6page story about !en's death9attac-ed by another inmate for reasons un-nown. Pn-nown my ass) I thought) a plan sprouting in my head) but I had to let it go. I had many other errands and issues to worry about. I bought a copy of the newspaper.

+he funeral was intimate) befitting the solitary man who ne*er had a wife and -ids) who was an only child to parents dead long ago) and whose wor- as a copyeditor -ept him away from a social life. 0 woman and two men attended) former cowor-ers) they said) and a *ery old woman who smiled deeply wrin-led chee-s and said she was his Cth grade teacher. I didn't belie*e her but let her stay. :e*erend Pete arri*ed in a blac- sedan stamped with the prison logo. !ehind him rattled an old brown Cadillac stuffed with four big blac- women. Pete dressed in blacslac-s and a long6slee*e clergy shirt noosed tightly under his 0dam's apple9one the si>e of a walnut. It was his first time on the outside in o*er twenty years) and I imagined the clutter in his heart) but I also -new he could'*e said no to the warden) then again) suddenly I wasn't sure of that at all. +he women) dressed in blac- gowns and maroon hats) stood to the side. 8ff to the right) the gra*edigger9a stoc-y middle6aged Hispanic man) stood with one foot propped on the sho*el head. 0bo*e us was a towering oa- with croo-ed branches li-e witch's fingers. .ight clouds sauntered in the high bree>e) and the sun) tempered for a change) shone with grace. Pete on one side) myself and the former cowor-er on the other) we raised the wooden coffin and lowered it into the ground. +hen Pete clasped his palms o*er his heart)

12E lowered his head) and said) 1@ear and lo*ing (od. <ou are the a*ior we try to -now so well) yet we fail to conAuer your wisdom) our hearts filled with hate) with doubt) with greed) with disregard for our fellow man. 5hy) oh lo*ing (od) why are we tested4 8ur flesh turns to dust) our bones crumble. 5e loo- death in the eye and still find hope. 5hy) dear .ord) do we do so) and more so) how and where do we find the courage to do so4 Pntil a few days ago) sweet .ord) I thought I had the answer) but I was wrong. I'd thought that you) .ord) impregnated us with the seeds of hope) with the tangible sensation helping us mo*e mountains and cross oceans. !ut I ha*e recently disco*ered that hope is but another illusion) another *ice to encourage us to procreate. <ou) +he .ord) need us to li*e so we can worship and e7alt your grace. 5ithout us you are nothing) but a figment of the imagination. 5e are fools) my .ord) to belie*e in you. I) the re*erent Pete 5illiams) will no longer praise your grace) for you ha*e none) for you are a tyrant casting us into the suffocating whirlpool of life.2 Pete loo-ed to the hea*ens) raised massi*e arms and shoo- hea*y fists) and let his *oice cascade in the rumble fit for the angry prophet atop the mountaintop. 1 crew you) my .ord. crew you and the horse you ride.2 "e*er had I felt a hea*ier silence while we waited for his ne7t words) for the catch phrase that'll turn bac- to (od) to accept His guidance with a deep bow. Pete's wide shoulders slumped) but not with surrender) rather with relief) li-e a lad turning eighteen and telling his abusi*e dad to fuc- off. He pointed to the cas-et lying in the open gra*e. 1<ou -illed him and nothing you say or do can bring him bac-. If you are (od) then let !en rise from the dead. !ut if you can't do that) li-e you can't get me out of prison) then you may be a god) but not my (od.2

12D He bac-ed away from the open gra*e and bowed. 1:est in peace) my friend) rest in peace.2 ilence lingered) thic- as a bric-) when one of the big blac- women raised her chin and sang) 10ma>ing grace) how sweet the sound.2 Her *oice caressed e*ery being that e*er li*ed and all to come) wrapping infinity in her *el*et *oice) releasing endlessly. +he other three women &oined) *oices entwined in hea*en. :e*erend Pete fell to his -nees and sobbed) 1$orgi*e me) .ord) forgi*e me. I'm a tired man) a *ery tired man.2 +he gra*edigger switched position and placed his other foot on the sho*el's head. +he choir sang) the preacher sobbed) and I -new that !en was smiling) somewhere) much amused about the ruc-us. I wished for both of us to be bac- in cell 10C) where we'd lie on our beds and stare at the ceiling for a while) and then !en would say# +hat was Auite the spectacle. It was. Pete went into o*erload He'll be fine. In*ite him o*er for dinner (ood idea I li-ed the choir. +he one who started singing) .ucille) is the lady who introduced me to 3ulie I didn't -now that. he is so filled with pride) good pride +hey're really nice people) that's why I li-ed going to their meetings) and Pete as-ed me to come How can you turn down such a fine man4 <ou can't

12G +hat's what she said +hat's a clichN +hat's what she said 5hy did she say that4 Cause it's a clichN.

I bowed and shoo- hands) and hugged and wal-ed e*eryone to their cars and smiled than-s and wa*ed as they dro*e away. I really wanted them gone. I wanted to return to the gra*e and help the gra*edigger fill the gra*e.

He shrugged. 1I don't got another sho*el.2 1+hen I'll use yours) and you can come bac- later to get it.2 1<ou no want me sho*el42 1I no want you sho*el)2 I said and reached for the tool. +he man nodded and bit his lower lip. 18-ay. I come bac-.2 He wal-ed off and I was tossing dirt into the gra*e when a young man) chubby and balding) wal-ed up and said) 1 orry I missed the funeral.2 15ho are you42 I as-ed. 1 te*e .ong) from the %7aminer. I wrote the story about !en) how he died. o cruel and random.2 I tossed a sho*elful onto the cas-et that rang with a dull thud. 1:andom my ass.2 1I thought you'd say that)2 he said and handed me a card. 1Call when you're ready to tal-. (o to te*e.ong.com and read my e7posNs. I'm one of the good guys.2

130 1I will.2 I placed the card in my bac- poc-et and then swung another load of dirt into the gra*e. I li-ed him) would soon be ready to share the truth with him) let him shed light upon the corrupt warden and the in&ustice done to !en. I couldn't care less if the powers that be came after me. +he reporter wal-ed off. 0ll that remained was silence peppered with chirping birds and dirt stri-ing the cas-et with soft thuds. weat dotted my brow. It felt good to sho*el dirt) li-e I'd done for thirty years of landscaping. 0nd then I was done. +he gra*e was full) topsoil pac-ed tightly. I dropped the sho*el to the ground) and was wal-ing to the cemetery entrance when I saw her leaning against a wide oa-. I -new it was her in an instant e*en tough I'd ne*er seen her9tall) pale chee-s) dar- curls sloping o*er slender shoulders) eyes hidden by shades. he was now almost thirty) but still the little girl filled with hurt) the struggle embedded in her long nec- and narrow wrists. I wal-ed up to her. 10re you Kee42 1I'm Kanessa.2 1I'm (eorge. I was !en's cellmate. He told me so much about you.2 1He was a nice man)2 she said. 1I -now he meant well but it didn't wor- out.2 1"o) it didn't)2 I said. 1He was *ery sorry about what happened.2 1I -now. I am too) but we can't change anything.2 I sighed. 10ll I -now is that he lo*ed you) that you helped him feel what he needed to feel. <ou were but a prism to his life lesson.2 1I don't want to be anyone's prism or life lesson.2 +he edge cut through her lilting soprano. he too- off her shades and flooded me with her dar-6brown) ocean6deep eyes. I saw the hopeless compassion of her strife) the beauty of her soul.

131 1@o you need a ride42 I as-ed. 1Faybe we can ha*e coffee42 1"o. I need to go.2 1!en is grateful that you came to his funeral. <ou made his dying day.2 1+ell him I'm sorry)2 Kee said) and then wal-ed off across the lawn. I watched her slender figure *anish behind the stone pillars shadowing the gate) and -new that !en had done well to fall in lo*e with Kanessa9a woman of rare spirit and completely *oid of malice. 1<our lo*e wasn't in *ain)2 I whispered and loo-ed up to the oa-'s wide canopy. 1:est in peace) my dear friend. :est in peace.2 B B B

!orn in "<C and raised in Israel) Ilan Herman now li*es in .os 0ngeles and spends his days writing and teachingO producing music.

132 Amazon.com selection of Ilan Herman's published works: +he (ra*edigger) Casperian !oo-s) 0pril) 2010 Hno*elI .ord of the Cats) 5ild Child Publishing) $all) 2012 Hno*ellaI Impulse) 5ild Child Publishing) $all) 2010 Hno*ellaI Chan ,im) a*ant !oo-s) 2011 Hno*elI +he 0ncient 8ne) +he :ound +hing Publishing. 2013 Hno*elI @ilemma) 0n Honest .ie publishing) 200G anthology Hshort storyI

Ma azine publications: !short stories" +he 5rite Place at the 5rite +ime) (old :ush) crew) +he pill Planet Fag U $reedom $iction 3ournal) +he Pac-age .oAuacious Placemat) +he Fedic !ewildering tories) e*en @egrees of !ogus Cantara*ille U +he @aedalus :e*iew) $ly on the 5all $ull of Crow) Playing (od and +he Confession Carpe @iem :e*iew and (old @ust HP,I) Fama's 0lways :ight uspense Faga>ine +he @ream Auaw- !ac- +urd and 5hat 5ould ,af-a ay

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