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Published by Mohammed Umar

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Published by: Mohammed Umar on Nov 04, 2009
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1. If practice makes perfect & nobody's perfect, why practice? 2 2. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??

I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. 3 3. What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? 4 4. Why do our noses run and our feet smell? 5 5. What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 6 6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 7 7. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 8 8. When someone with multiple personalities threathens suicide, can that be considered a hostige situation? 9 9. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice? 1 10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 1 11. Why do they call it "common sense" when it's so rare? 1 12. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 1 13. If you get corn oil by squeezing corn, how do you get baby oil? 1 14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? 1 15. If electricity comes from electrons does it mean morality comes from morons? 1 16. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 1 17. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 1 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 2 20. I If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of MEAT?

21. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 2 22. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? 2 23. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? 2 24. Psychics never win the lottery. Why is that? 2 25. How can two space ships meeting always face the right way up in Sci-Fi movies? 2 26. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 2 27. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? 2 28. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? 2 29. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 3 30. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 3 31. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? 3 32. If you blame someone for your failures, do you credit them for your achievements? 3 33. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP? 3 34. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 3 35. How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 3 36. Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker??

3 37. Why do we chop a tree "down" and then chop it "up"? 3 38. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? 3 39. Why do we wash BATH TOWELS; aren't we clean when we use them? 4 40. I If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag, and put Garments in a Suitcase? W Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?


What is that thing? [T] Its an encoded message so that my body can always be identified. [T] It's Sanskit for "Satan Lives Within" [T] It's a duck. Or, It's the "Celtic Squid of Life" (asked about an abstract tribal tattoo). [P] [T] What thing? Where? (look) AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! [P] [T] My reward for spanking your mother with a hairbrush. [P] [T] It was an inititation ritual for the suicide cult I just joined. [P] [T] I dunno, it happened when I was abducted by aliens. [P] [T] It's a birth defect. I'd rather not talk about it, it makes me selfconscious. Did it hurt? [T] Well, it felt like having your skin flayed off, a millimeter at a time. [T] Only for about the first hour, then you get so delirious you can't feel a thing! [T] No, I just like the feeling of 1800 puncture wounds being made every minute. [P] [T] Yes. (Followed by a dead stare at the questioner). [P] [T] Yes, but my life is pain. [P] [T] I don't remember, I was too busy screaming. [P] [T] Not as much as looking at you. [P] [T] Yes, I live in excruciating pain.

[P] [T] I've had other people hurt me more (accompanied by evil grin). [P] [T] No, I was born without nerve endings. [P] [T] Well, after I fainted from all the blood loss ... [P] [T] After the gangrene set in, I couldn't feel a thing! [P] [T] No, did it hurt when they removed your brain? [P] [T] No, actually I found it rather stimulating. [P] [T] It probably hurts you more to look at it. [P] [T] No more than my _______ (insert any other bodmod here). [P] [T] If it doesn't hurt, what's the point? [P] [T] I don't remember, I was too busy bleeding. [P] [T] Yeah...and it tastes just like chicken. [P] [T] No, being dragged naked down a gravel road at 55mph behind a GMC pickup hurts though. Takes a little longer to heal, too. [P] [T] Not as much as the first seven did. [P] [T] Did it hurt when your mamma dropped you on your head? [P] [T] What do you think? Oh, sorry, didn't mean to bring up a sore subject... [P] [T] Well, it all depends on how you deal with pain, now does't it? (accompanied by a sweet, innocent smile usually does the trick) [P] [T] Yes, I have to take pain killers for it twice a day. Why did you do it? [T] Because I had a boil lanced and needed to cover the scar. [T] To cover up that hideous 666 birthmark. [T] I got it in prison for killing someone who asked too many questions. [T] I am a walking piece of art, and since you are viewing me, you are certainly welcome to make a donation to increase the capacity of this museum's stores. [P] [T] The body is a temple. Have you ever seen an unadorned temple? [P] [T] I had it done in the midst of a three-week speed, heroin, and acid binge. [P] [T] I'm sorry, it's a secret. [P] [T] If you don't know already, it just wasn't meant to be. [P] [T] If I told you, I'd have to kill you. [P] [T] Jesus told me to. [P] [T] No reason in particular, I was just bored. [P] [T] Just so that my very existence would be offensive to the likes of you. [P] [T] The witness protection program told me it would be a good idea to change my image. [P] [T] I get a new one every time I go across the equator. [P] [T] I get a new one every time I 'go across the equator', if you know what I mean. [P] [T] The Devil made me do it (in a suitable graveyard voice). [P] [T] I had to one-up my little sister/brother/best friend. [P] [T] It was part of the initiation. [P] [T] It was a dare. [P] [T] Someone told me it was a good way to meet men/women. [P] [T] If I'd known I would have to answer all these dumb questions, I might have reconsidered. [P] [T] I was tired of lurking on rec.arts.bodyart . [P] [T] The voices told me to ... don't you hear them? [P] [T] The voices told me to ... have they sent you? [P] [T] The voices told me to ... (then clutch your head and repeatedly shout, "Get out of my head!", or "Leave me alone!") [P] [T] I dunno, why'd you get that haircut? [P] [T] I'm a victim of fashion. [P] [T] I wanted to look more like a Republican. [P] [T] Wait a minute - I thought YOU knew! That's permanent, you know ...

[T] No, it comes off with sandpaper and a good wire brush. [T] It is? Uh oh. [T] For the price I paid, it better be. [T] That's what the guy in the shop said, but I didn't believe him. [T] Duh. [T] I hope so, after all the time it took! [T] So's a nose job, maybe you should consider one. [T] Yep. But I'm getting the rest of my skin lasered off next week. [T] Well, at least until the leprosy reaches that part. [T] So's your plain skin. [T] Yep, but that's OK, because I'm killing myself next Thursday at 2:45. [T] Is anything in life truly permanent? [T] That's what they said about Elvis. [T] So is ignorance. [T] So is being boring. [T] A lot of people think that's a problem - but who knows, I might get hit by a bus tomorrow. The 'rest of my life' might not be that long. [T] No shit? There ought to be a sign or something in the tattoo parlor. Is that real? [T] Yes, but only the outline. I colored the rest with crayons. [T] No, it's one of those stick-on ones. [T] You're welcome to try to rub it off (especially if near breast or other excitable appendage). [P] [T] That depends, how exactly do you define 'reality'? [P] [T] No, it is a figment of your obviously warped imagination. [P] [T] I don't know what you're talking about, there's nothing there! (Then shrug and walk away) [P] [T] Sure - are you? [P] [T] No, it's a new magic trick I'm practicing. What did your parents say? [T] Is that some sort of infected cut? (literal truth - one mom asked that of an ankle tat). [P] [T] They only shrieked as the car spun out of control and careened off the embankment. [P] [T] I was genetically engineered and grown in a beaker. My lab tech thinks it's cool, though. [P] [T] Hey, they told me to do what I like with the inheritance from Grandma. [P] [T] My mom forced me to get it. [P] [T] Dear God, Nooooooooooooooooo! [P] [T] My dad stabbed me, but that's ok, because my mom dropped the gun when she saw the blood. [P] [T] My mom held my hand while they did it. [P] [T] Well, they're dead. [P] [T] I ate them. [P] [T] Parents? I was raised by dingos. [P] [T] Nothing. They still haven't gotten over my leather fetish. [P] [T] And for your next birthday, how about a motocycle? [P] [T] So what do you think [insert name of person presently asking] will say? [P] [T] Well that was stupid! [P] [T] Nothing, after I cut out their tongues. [P] [T] I didn't really pay attention. The t.v. was on. [P] [T] I couldn't understand my father, his mouth was full and his tongue busy (add wink here). You must have been pretty drunk when you got that. [P] [T] Yep, and I saved two bucks 'cause I found my own needle in an alley!

[P] [T] [P] [T]

You know, everything seems more logical whey you're drunk/stoned. No, but I was when I slept with your daughter.

I would NEVER do that. [P] [T] I know. [P] [T] Good. [P] [T] Panzy! [P] [T] I would never wear that. [P] [T] So? [P] [T] So then it's a good thing you don't get possessed very often? [P] [T] And I'm sure there's a very good reason, isn't there? (accompanying bitchy smile usually confuses them) [P] [T] Only the lucky few hear the call (with a smile and wide eyed stare) You're one of those freaks, aren't you? [P] [T] Yes. [P] [T] I play backup guitar for NIN. [P] [T] Trent Reznor is my idol. [P] [T] I want to be just like Jon Cobb when I grow up. [P] [T] Jealous? [P] [T] A second look is better than none at all. [P] [T] Yeah, you won't believe the stigma that my (BS/BA/MBA/PhD/MD/other professional certificate or advanced degree) has left me with. [P] [T] And you are ... (while extending hand and grinning manaically) Isn't there some sort of health risk? [T] Naah, the guy got a brand new guitar string right from the package in front of me. Won't you regret that when you're 80? [T] At eighty, I think what I shall regret are the things I always wanted to do and never did; the experiences I denied myself because I was too concerned about others' opinions, or too anxious for their approval; but I think I would regret most a life wasted living as someone who was not me... (Special thanks to Tatrat for that one) [T] No worse than my tits will look when I'm eighty, I imagine. [T] Mine's high up on my thigh so anyone who'd see it would be getting pretty personal ;) [T] Well it was either this or redraw it every day for 60 years... [T] That's the great bonus - it will hide liver spots! [T] What?!? You mean they *don't* fade?? Oh f--[T] God no! By then I hope it will be much more elaborate. [P] [T] I don't know, will you still like your face? [P] [T] Sure I will! Now *90* is another story... [P] [T] You know, that's the sad thing - I hate it *now*. Ah well, live and learn. [P] [T] Hey, if someone still wants to look at me there when I'm 80, I'm going to be very happy indeed (this one depends upon placement, obviously). [P] [T] I'm hoping to die young. [P] [T] Life is too short to be ordinary. [P] [T] Will you still like me when I'm 80? [P] [T] Will you still like your spouse when you're 80? [P] [T] Will you still like having sex when you're 80? [P] [T] Will I still be ALIVE when I'm 80? [P] [T] If I did things ONLY if I knew I'd still like it when I turned 80, I w would end up being just like you!


H Here are some more of the best stupid and witty one liners

Matrimony isn�t a word, it�s a sentence.

Maybe this world is another planet�s hell.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. �No� is the answer.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

Most people don�t act stupid - it�s the real thing.

Mother told me to be good, but she�s been wrong before.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.

Never buy a car you can�t push.

Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.

Never eat yellow snow.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Never interrupt your enemy while they are making a mistake.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No life is totally wasted, one can always be a bad example.

No one dies a virgin, life screws them all.

No-one suspects the butterfly!

Nostalgia isn�t what it used to be.

Not all men are fools� Some are bachelors.

Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.

Of course there�s no reason for it, it�s just our policy.

Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you�re a cheese.

Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it�s hard to get it back in.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Only the winners decide what were war crimes.

Optimist: Someone without much experience.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

Pretend to spank me - I�m a pseudo-masochist!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Quando omni flunkus moritati - when all else fails, play dead.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn�t want to live there.

Reality is for people who can�t handle drugs.

Rehab is for quitters.

Here are some more humorous sayings and silly or witty quotes

Religion cannot be without morality, but morality may arrive without religion.

Roses are FF0000, violets are 0000FF, all of my base are belong to you.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Save water - take a bath with your neighbor�s daughter.

Send lawyers, guns and money!

Sex is like air; it�s not important unless you aren�t getting any.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

Sex on tv can�t hurt unless you fall off.

Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

Smile, it�s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Software isn�t released, it�s allowed to escape.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Spelling is a lossed art.

Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.

Sure, when� - oink flap oink flap - well I�ll be darned!

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

The Killer Ducks are coming!

The Stock Market always does what you think it will, but rarely when.

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

The best things in life aren�t things.

The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they�re going to be when you kill them.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The future will be better tomorrow.

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.

The only certain thing in life is death.

The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.

The only really decent thing to do behind a person�s back is pat it.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

The problem with the future is it turns into the present.

Page Topic: More humorous sayings and silly or witty quotes

Living Food You are walking through a field, and you find something to eat. It doesn�t have bones, and it doesn�t have meat. You pick it up and put it into your pocket. You take it home and put it on a shelf, but 3 day�s later it walks away. What is it? An Egg Romeo and Juliet

Romeo and Juliet are found dead on the floor in a bedroom. When they were discovered, there were pieces of glass and some water on the floor. The only furniture in the room is a shelf and a bed. The house in is a remote location, away from everything except for the nearby railway track. What caused the death of Romeo and Juliet? Romeo and Juliet are fish. The rumble of the train knocked the tank off the shelf. Invisible Apple There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it? Place the apple on one person�s head. NBA Players In the NBA, how many men are on the basketball court for each team? Five, not ten! Carnival Trick A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, �If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.� The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he�ll just say he weighs more or less. In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet? The man did exactly as he said he would and wrote �your exact weight� on the paper. Shifting Colors What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? Charcoal. From the Whole What is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left over? Wholesome! Slim and Tall I am slim and tall, Many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor, But only once and then no more. For many I am �to die for�. What am I? Sadly, I am a cigar. Days of the Week Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. What am I? I�m as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I�ll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I�ll dance to the music, though I can�t hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I�m as slow as a snail, but from me you can�t run. What am I? I am a shadow. Ego Read my riddle, I pray. What God never sees, what the king seldom sees, and what we see every day. What is it? An equal. Word Play

What can be heard and caught but never seen? A Remark. Fill Me Up Many things can create one, it can be of any shape or size, it is created for various reasons, and it can shrink or grow with time. What is it? A Hole Almost Alive They have not flesh, nor feathers, nor scales, nor bone. Yet they have fingers and thumbs of their own. What are they? Gloves Smelly But Good Not born, but from a Mother�s body drawn, I hang until half of me is gone. I sleep in a cave until I grow old, then valued for my hardened gold. What am I? Cheese Not Appreciated Black I am and much admired, men seek me until they�re tired. When they find me, they break my head, and take from me my resting bed. What am I? Coal Hardest to Carry This is as light as a feather, yet no man can hold it for long. What is it? Your Breath. Put Me Out I am not alive, but I grow; I don�t have lungs, but I need air; I don�t have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I? Fire Fragile Beauty A very pretty thing am I, fluttering in the pale-blue sky. Delicate, fragile on the wing, indeed I am a pretty thing. What am I? I am a Butterfly. Sad Thing I was carried into a dark room, and set on fire. I wept, and then my head was cut off. What am I? A Candle.

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