"Amy, you're gonna get it," Nikki tells me.

I'm hiding between the lilac bushes,

Barbie's head in my hand. It's our weekend at our father's house.
"What'd you use?"
"addy !ohn's knife." I'm not afraid. "y father is harmless, e#en almost afraid
of us. It's my ste$father I'm scared of.
"I'm telling%" And off she runs toward the farmhouse. I fish for the knife in the
$ocket of my dirty o#eralls and slice at Barbie's $retty blue eyes so they o$en. I
sit and $oke little holes where her $u$ils are and then I saw at her ratty hair. I lick
my bottom li$, almost got it. A $leasure fills me.
"Amy% &ou get in here%"
It's 'randma (elen, I can
see her wi$ing her hands
on her a$ron through the
lilac branches. )he white
house is blinding but filthy.
)he shutters are falling
off. "y *ncle Bob
saunters u$ the dirt
dri#eway and tosses a
beer can near my hiding s$ot. (e doesn't see me, I breathe. (is hands, I don't
like his hands.
I wait for him to get to the $orch before I emerge. I stuff the knife in my $ocket
and lea#e Barbie behind.
"Amy what are you doing? 'i#e your daddy his knife back, you don't belong with
that. +ome in it's lunch time." I race u$ the stairs and into the kitchen where
'rand$a ,eo sits in his brown leather chair that s$ins and s$ins when you lay
across it. (e's ne-t to the window, abo#e the lilac bushes, watching the
humming bird feeder as usual, si$$ing his .ld /tyle. I know it's time to be a little
more ci#ili0ed so I toss the knife on the table and take my seat. Nikki and !odie
are already eating their /$aghettios from the chi$$ed blue +hina dishes I always
lo#ed to look at.
)he kitchen is a dismal yellow $lace with large wooden sil#erware hanging on
the walls. )here's dishes and beer cans and $a$er ba1s all o#er. the floor is a
brown linoleum that slants down into the ne-t room where grandma's organ sits.
"y sisters and I sing church hymnals with her on /undays. )here are old 2elly
2ars all o#er, filled with old fashioned candy, and lilacs fill white bubbly #ases.
)he floor then rolls into the dark li#ing room. .n my tricycle I barely ha#e to $etal
around the rooms. 'rand$a's torn, black leather chair sits in the corner against
the gray $aneling. )he first time he ga#e me a si$ of his beer I was sitting on his
la$ in that chair, $icking at the white stuffing coming out of the arm.
addy !ohn walks into the kitchen on his long, faded denim legs. (e wears one
of three shirts, this one the brown and white $laid one with the $retty white metal
buttons. (e sits down at the little table and o$ens another beer.
"!esus +hrist, !ohn. &ou're good for nothin'. 'ood for nothing. &ou got three
babies here and alls you do is sit around and drink, $iss your life away, can't hold
a 2ob. &ou're a miserable failure dammit." "y dad's head bows a little and he's
1uiet. 'rand$a shakes his bald head and addy !ohn looks at us and looks
away. We smile and eat in the silence. As I get u$ to go outside, I reach across
and can barely reach the knife but I do, and I slide it towards addy !ohn and
say sorry. (e $inches my cheek.
.utside we race for the huge a$$le trees. )he $ink blossoms fall across the
yard like snow and if you stand beneath the two of them, they arch o#er you and
it's like being in one of those snow globes. )he swing addy !ohn built is a
board on one $iece of ro$e. Nikki gets there first and addy !ohn comes out to
$ush her. I climb the tree, u$ the nailed3in boards my cousins $ounded in for
ste$s. 4at bumble bees bu00 all about in the $ink honeysuckle fragrance.
"addy !ohn, addy !ohn, when's it my turn?" !odie and I take turns asking. 4or
the first and last time I see my father get angry.
"I'm not 'addy !ohn' I'm your daddy% (e can't take my $lace with you's%" and
2ust like that he stormed off into the field where the hay bales dot the hori0on.
It's getting dark and grandma tells addy !ohn to $ut us in the tub. All three of us
stri$ down, shameless with the door wide o$en. addy !ohn, filling the tub, sees
us and blushes, looking away. (e gets u$ and says, ".kay, okay you's 5he
always calls us 'you's'6, wash u$,," and he lea#es, too embarrassed to stay, so
grandma comes in to wash our hair. /he calls salt, $e$$er, and $a$rika because
of our blond, brunette, and red hair. It's different at mom and /cott's house,
where we're ashamed.
We march u$ the na$$y green stairs to the room we share with our father. It's
di#ided in two by an orange afghan. We crawl u$ into the high double bed we
share, !odie in the middle because she's the smallest and might fall out. It's dark
u$ here and my $a2amas are still clinging to my wet body. addy !ohn kisses us
good night saying "I lo#e you's" and he walks toward the light in the door and
descends the creaky stairs. I watch him disa$$ear and then my eyes get caught,
as they do e#ery weekend I'm here, on the haunting $icture of )he ,ast /u$$er.
)here are golds and sil#ers and glittery greens in it and it and it shimmers
somehow, in the dark. I stare at it, somewhat afraid and I don't know why the
terror, until I do0e off.