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Cartoon transcripts

Superman, “The Mad Scientist” (1941)
Voice over: Up in the sky, look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!
Voice over: In the endless reaches of the universe, there once existed a planet known as Krypton, a
planet that burned like a green star in the distant heavens. There, civilization was far advanced, and
it brought forward a race of supermen, whose mental and physical powers were developed to the
absolute peak of human perfection. But there came a day when giant quakes [earthquakes]
threatened to destroy Krypton forever. One the planet’s leading scientists, sensing the approach of
doom, placed his infant son in a small rocket ship and sent it hurtling in the direction of the earth
just as Krypton exploded. The rocket ship sped through star-studded [full of stars] space, landing
safely on earth with its precious burden, Krypton’s sole survivor. A passing motorist found the
uninjured child and took it to an orphanage. As the years went by and the child grew to maturity,
he found himself possessed of amazing physical powers: faster than a speeding bullet, more
powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, the infant from Krypton
is now the man of steel—Superman. To best be in a position to use his amazing powers in a never-
ending battle for truth and justice, Superman has assumed the disguise of Clark Kent, mild-
mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper.
Mr. White: Kent, I want to see you; we’ve just received another threatening note.
Clark: OK, Mr. White.
Mr. White: Lois, another note from the mad scientist.
Lois: Coming in, Chief.
Mr. White: Now listen to this warning: He plans to strike tonight. “Beware, you fools. My
electrothanasia ray strikes tonight at 12. Total destruction will come to those who laughed at me
and failed to heed my warnings. Beware, I strike at midnight!” This nut [crazy person] may prove
dangerous. Kent, you help Lois follow up her lead. She may have an angle on this thing.
Clark: Yes, sir.
Lois: But Chief, I’d like the chance to crack [cover; expose; write] the story on my own.
Mr. White: Well, now…
Lois: Thanks, Chief.
Clark: But Lois…Chief, don’t you think that’s a dangerous mission?
Mad Scientist: The hour has come.
Lois: I’m a reporter for the…
Mad Scientist: So, you want a story. I’ll give you the greatest story of destruction the world has
ever known. How is that for a story, Miss Lane?
Radio announcer: Flash, true to his plan, the mad scientist, whose warnings have held the city in a
grip of terror went on his rampage of destruction on the stroke of midnight. The deadly impact of
his mysterious ray, smashed the famous Tower Bridge, hurtling cars and pedestrians into the river
below. The police have warned everyone to remain in their homes.
Clark: This looks like a job for Superman.
Mad Scientist: It’s Superman! I don’t believe it; he isn’t human.
Mr. White: Congratulations, Lois, that was a great scoop [original story].
Lois: Yes, thanks to Superman.

Superman, “Eleventh Hour” (1942)
Voice over: Up in the sky! Look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!
Voice over: Faster than a streak of lightening! More powerful than the pounding surf! Mightier
than a roaring hurricane! This amazing stranger from the planet Krypton, the man of steel,
Superman! Possessing remarkable physical strength, Superman fights a never-ending battle for
truth and justice, disguised as a mild-mannered newspaper reporter, Clark Kent.
Lois: “Hello, Clark? Are you awake?”
Clark: “I’ll say, who could sleep through a racket [loud noise] like this?”
Lois: “But it’s been going on every night since we’ve been in town. What do you suppose it could
Clark: “Could be sabotage—I hope.”
Lois: “Me, too, but who? Clark, do you suppose…?”
Clark: “Yes, Lois?”
Lois: “Oh, nothing, just a silly hunch [guess] that maybe Superman might be over here.”
Soldier: “Quiet! Do not talk!”
Officer: “This sabotage must stop at once!”
Lois: “Clark! Clark! It is Superman! I just saw him. Swell chance they’ve got of catching him…”
Reporters: “Miss Lane. This way, please. How does it feel to be home? Smile, please. How about
Clark Kent? Did he get away?”
Lois: “No, no, he’s still over there. But don’t worry, Superman promised to look after him.”

Superman, “The Bulleteers” (1942)
Voice over: Up in the sky! Look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!
Voice over: Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall
buildings in a single bound! This amazing stranger from the planet Krypton, the man of steel,
Superman! Possessing remarkable physical strength, Superman fights a never-ending battle for
truth and justice, disguised as a mild-mannered newspaper reporter, Clark Kent.
Mr. White: Send in Lois Lane and Clark Kent. … Give me a follow-up on this bullet car story.
Announcement: Citizens of Metropolis, attention! The destruction of your police station today was
only a small demonstration of our power. Unless your mayor turns over the entire funds of the city
treasury, power plants, fire houses, and all municipal buildings will be next. Take heed. This is
your last warning.
Lois: What are the authorities going to do about this, Mr. Mayor?
Mayor: We won’t be intimidated by criminal threats. Law and order must and will prevail.
Policeman: The bulleteers!
Worker: The presses have stopped!
Clark: This looks like a job for Superman.
Clark: Nice going, Lois. Another great scoop for you.
Lois: It was easy—thanks to Superman.

Superman, Electric Earthquake (1942)
Voice over: Up in the sky! Look! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!
Voice over: Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall
buildings in a single bound! This amazing stranger from the planet Krypton, the man of steel,
Superman! Possessing remarkable physical strength, Superman fights a never-ending battle for
truth and justice, disguised as a mild-mannered newspaper reporter, Clark Kent.
Indian: And I still say Manhattan rightfully belongs to my people.
Clark: Possibly, but just what do you expect us to do about it?
Indian: You have a newspaper. Publish the truth. Have the island vacated immediately.
Lois: It’s fantastic.
Mr. White: Why, it’s ridiculous.
Indian: Ridiculous? Maybe modern science will make you think differently.
Mr. White: I’ve never heard anything so absurd.
Clark: You know, from the look in his eye, I would almost believe he was in earnest.
Mr. White: No, he’s just a harmless crank [crazy person].
Indian: Come ahead, Miss Lane. You wouldn’t want to miss this story, I’m sure. … Just a
precautionary measure. … Now, Miss Lane, get ready for the greatest story of your career.
Mr. White: Come on, Kent, let’s get out of here.
Clark: This looks like a job for Superman.
Indian: The girl is still down there.
Clark: You know, Lois. The old island looks just as good as ever.
Lois: That’s right, Clark. Thanks to Superman.

Jonny Quest, “Dragons of Ashida” (1964)
Dr. Ashida: Stupid fool. He let him escape. I shall have to teach him a lesson.
Jonny: Quiet, Bandit. How do you expect me to concentrate with you yapping?
Hadji: It’s alright, Jonny. Even with Bandit quiet, you were losing.
Jonny: You’re sure a persistent pup, Bandit. What’s eating you [the matter], anyway? … He won’t
stop until we go with him. Come on, Hadji. … I don’t see anything.
Hadji: Look! Over there!
Jonny: I’ll get the boathook. You call Dad.
Hadji: Dr. Quest, Race, Come quick!
Dr. Quest: But I’m not sure I understand. You do not want us to go to the island?
Native: No, no go. Bad dragons. Big, big dragons.
Jonny: Wow, did you hear that Hadji? Dragons.
Dr. Quest: Of course, and naturally, they breathe fire. These dragons—they’re big lizards, aren’t
Native: Big? Oh, very big, yes, yes.
Race: Why shouldn’t we go ashore?
Native: Oh, Dr. Ashida, bad. Bad man. Kill. No go.
Dr. Quest: Well, one thing’s certain. The poor fellow’s terrified of Ashida.
Native: Ashida…bad, bad.
Jonny: Ashida, he’s the guy you came to see, isn’t he, Dad?
Dr. Quest: Hardly a guy, Jonny. Dr. Ashida is a most respected scientist.
Race: He’s quite well known for his zoological work, isn’t he, sir?
Dr. Quest: Very well known. It’s alright. We’ll go ashore. You can stay on board ship; you’ll be
safe here.
Native: Oh, thank you, thank you.
Dr. Ashida: The next time you disobey my orders, I will feed you to my pets. You may rise, great
fat fool
Servant: Dr. Quest is here, lord.
Dr. Ashida: Ah, Dr. Quest. Great news. Show him in, and be quick about it.
Servant: Yes, lord.
Dr. Ashida: It is such a great honor to welcome you to my humble dwelling, Dr. Quest.
Dr. Quest: We are honored to be received so cordially, Dr. Ashida.
Dr. Ashida: Everything on Ashida is yours.
Race: You call the island Ashida, Doctor?
Dr. Ashida: And why not? I own it. What better name can a man give his land but his own? Come,
I will show you around.
Dr. Quest: So, you have no idea why that native would be so afraid of you?
Dr. Ashida: None, unless he has run amok; they do sometimes, you know.
Dr. Quest: He spoke of dragons.
Dr. Ashida: Ah, yes, my dragons.
Dr. Quest: Yours?
Dr. Ashida: Mine. Now, here, Dr. Quest is what my experiments began with. Beautiful, isn’t it?
Dr. Quest: Quiet, Bandit.
Dr. Ashida: Do you recognize the species, Dr. Quest?
Dr. Quest: The Tobora lizard.
Dr. Ashida: Exactly. In danger of becoming extinct when I came here twenty years ago.
Jonny: Quiet, boy.
Dr. Ashida: In you go, little one. Now this next one is the same Tobora lizard, but after two
generations of improved genes control. Watch.
Race: He’s a charming fellow.
Dr. Ashida: Yes, isn’t he. … Next is my crowning glory. I have to keep them in pits; I don’t have
cages big enough.
Dr. Quest: Incredible. It’s as big as a crocodile.
Dr. Ashida: Fourteen feet, seven inches from nose to tail. And all my own, Doctor. If any species
can be said to owe its existence to an outside source, then the Ashida dragon owes its life to me.
Jonny: Wow, what do they eat?
Dr. Ashida: They would eat you, my boy, if I let them. … Your little friend would be a great
delicacy for them, too. They are flesh-eaters, you know, young man, and cannibalistic as well.
There is only one man who can control them.
Hadji: I do not believe it, Jonny. He is like the Cyclops of old.
Dr. Ashida: This one’s name is Sumei. Keeper of my dragons and champion wrestler in all the
world. Is that not so, Sumei? He has never been defeated.
Race: I sure wouldn’t like to meet him in a dark alley.
Dr. Ashida: I do not keep him around for his looks, Mr. Bannon. My dragons are not sensitive;
they do not mind his ugliness.
Dr. Quest: Tell me, Doctor, the native who swam out to the schooner, would his tribe be dragon
worshippers by any chance?
Dr. Ashida: How perceptive of you. The natives here worshipped Kamatomo, a dragon effigy. That
was before I took over. I gave them a new god; now they worship me. … Come, gentlemen, let us
begin the contest.
Dr. Quest: Contest?
Dr. Ashida: This is my survival pit, Doctor. Surely you don’t think my dragons grew to their
present size by accident. As you know, in nature only the strong survive. I give nature a helping
Dr. Quest: You pit one beast against another?
Dr. Ashida: Exactly, in a fight to the death, the victor devours the vanquished. Watch. Prepare the
Race: Are you going to make a couple of them fight now?
Dr. Ashida: Of course, and it’s not a question of making them fight. They know no other way of
life. It’s all in the interests of science, anyway.
Dr. Quest: I don’t happen to approve of this, Dr. Ashida. Let’s go, Race, boys.
Dr. Ashida: Very well, if your Western stomachs cannot stand it, we shall postpone the duel. … We
have a different perspective. We feel the same way whether the objects be four-footed or two-
legged. Only the strong survive. This is why I work out with Sumei every day.
Race: Work out?
Dr. Ashida: Judo, karate, Sumei retired undefeated in over a thousand bouts; he calls me his finest
pupil. It is too bad that you do not understand our way of fighting, Quest, my friend.
Race: I understand it, Dr. Ashida.
Dr. Ashida: Really? Then let’s have a match, but I warn you, I am most expert.
Race: You’re not serious, are you? I outweigh you by twenty pounds.
Dr. Ashida: Bigness means very little in judo, Mr. Bannon. It will be interesting to have an
opponent other than Sumei. Prepare yourself, Bannon.
Race: Before we get into this too far, are you sure you want to…
Dr. Ashida: Your answer, Mr. Bannon.
Jonny: Hey, that wasn’t fair.
Dr. Ashida: Some of my moves may seem a little unorthodox to you, such as this…
Race: Oh, come now, you can kick higher than that.
Jonny: Hooray for Race!
Dr. Quest: That’s enough.
Race: I agree, Doctor.
Dr. Ashida: I disagree. We will stop when I am ready.
Race: As you wish. … Can we call this thing off now?
Dr. Ashida: I concede to you, Bannon, and to your superior ability. You have won. It may interest
you to learn I have never before been defeated at judo. It is a new feeling for me. Not that I mind,
you understand. I applaud your talents, Mr. Bannon, and now, I shall have Himoki show you to
your room. Show our guests to their quarters. Dinner will be served in one hour.
Dr. Quest: Race, boys, as you know, I planned to stay in this area several days.
Jonny: Right, Dad.
Dr. Quest: Well, I’m going to change the plans. We’re leaving here.
Hadji: Why, Doctor?
Dr. Quest: Principally, our host. He’s changed radically from when I knew him before.
Race: Right. As far as I’m concerned, Doctor, the guy’s flipped his wig [gone crazy].
Dr. Quest: That’s a possibility, Race, but sane or not, Ashida has become a very dangerous man,
and one the authorities should be made aware of.
Hadji: When do we leave, sir?
Race: I’m for right now, the sooner the better.
Dr. Quest: Let’s go.
Hadji: Jonny.
Jonny: Don’t tell me, tell the door. … Boy, let’s not advertise ourselves, shall we? Ok, Ok, so
you’re sorry.
Race: So far so good. … Listen! Well, I guess it’s as clear as it’s ever going to be. Let’s move out.
Jonny: What’s that noise, Dad?
Hadji: I hear it, too.
Dr. Quest: I don’t know, but keep your eyes open.
Race: Look, dragons. Head for a tree, boys.
Dr. Ashida: Call them back, Sumei. … My, my, what manners you Americans possess. You were
leaving without telling me goodbye. And had I not merely by chance been nearby, I shudder think
what might have befallen you.
Race: Those lizards make good watchdogs, don’t they, Ashida?
Dr. Ashida: Ah, you noticed that, Mr. Bannon. How complimentary of you. Yes, Sumei releases a
dozen or so each night; it insures a sound sleep for me. In short, you will leave when I give the
word, and not before.
Race: You don’t fool us. You couldn’t take getting beaten at judo, could you?
Dr. Ashida: I would not talk of beating if I were you, my barbarian friend. I will make you a
sporting proposition, Quest. If your man, Bannon, can stand up to my Sumei, then you may leave.
Race: Me and that portable skyscraper? I bet you want odds, too.
Dr. Ashida: No, Bannon. I am a true sportsman. Defeat Sumei and you win your freedom.
Race: You’ve got yourself a fight.
Dr. Quest: No, Race, I can’t allow it.
Race: What other choice have we, Doctor? Alright, Ashida, bring on your man-mountain anytime.
Dr. Ashida: No mistakes this time, Sumei. I want that look of superiority wiped off their faces.
After that, I shall decide at leisure what to do with them.
Dr. Quest: You can’t do it, Race, he’ll kill you.
Race: Let’s face it, Doctor. If he doesn’t, that two-bit mad scientist will. So what have we got to
lose? At least I’ve got a chance.
Dr. Quest: A hundred to one, perhaps.
Race: That’s better than nothing. Let’s not give up before we start.
Dr. Ashida: Come, Bannon, it’s time. Sumei. Now, you will abide by the green belt rules for
champions: No quarter shall be given, none shall be asked. Let the exhibition begin. … This
should be most interesting. Don’t you agree, Doctor?
Hadji: Look out, Race.
Jonny: Gosh, Race looks unconscious.
Dr. Quest: I should never have allowed him to do this. Call off your man, Ashida.
Race: No, Dr. Quest, I’m not finished yet.
Dr. Ashida: Get up, you fool.
Race: Come on, you ugly mug, stop lying down on the job.
Dr. Ashida: Kill him, kill him.
Race: There’s only one way to stop a freight train like that—head on.
Jonny: Wow, a flying tackle.
Hadji: Hold on to him, Race.
Race: Surrender?
Dr. Ashida: He will never surrender. He knows what would happen to him if he did.
Race: Come on, surrender.
Jonny: You were terrific, Race.
Hadji: I was praying for you.
Dr. Quest: I don’t know how you did it, Race, but you were magnificent.
Race: And lucky.
Dr. Ashida: Congratulations, Bannon. Some day you must teach me that new hold.
Race: Yeah, some day.
Dr. Quest: We’re leaving as per the arrangement.
Dr. Ashida: As I think I said, you will leave when I allow it and not one moment before. …
Prepare the special room. Dr. Quest’s party will be my guests for a while longer.
Servant: At once, lord.
Jonny: What do we do now?
Race: We wait. There’s nothing else we can do.
Hadji: Look, the door. It is open, Dr. Quest.
Jonny: Well, what are we waiting for, lets’ go.
Dr. Quest: Not so fast, Jonny. What do you think, Race? A trap?
Race: I sure do, Doctor. I think he wants us to leave so he can set his lizards on us.
Dr. Quest: And you want to oblige him?
Race: We don’t have a choice, Doctor. I can stall them just enough to give you and the kids a
fighting chance to reach the cliffs. From there, you can swim out to the schooner.
Dr. Quest: And leave you to face those beasts by yourself.
Race: I’ll be right behind you, Doctor, don’t worry. I’m not anxious to furnish a meal for them.
Dr. Quest: I agree, but only for the sake of the boys. Alright, let’s go.
Jonny: All clear.
Hadji: So far so good.
Jonny: Not far enough, that’s the whole trouble.
Race: I think Ashida is out to get me first. When we spot the dragons, I’m sure he’ll have Sumei
chase me. That’ll give you your chance.
Dr. Quest: Listen, I think I hear them.
Race: OK, Doctor, good luck.
Dr. Quest: And to you, Race. … Let’s go, boys.
Race: Hey, over here, fatso. … Hey, you. You’re going the wrong way, ugly. … I wish I had
something to fight with. Hey, maybe that rock’s the answer. … You’re way off, but you’re getting
warm. … One down and one to go. … Boy, what a beautiful sight. … Uh-oh, company. I’d better
make it good because I won’t get another chance. Sorry, I can’t stay, Sumei.
Dr. Ashida: So, you let them get away? I warned you what I would do. Kneel, you stupid ox and
take your punishment. Sumei, do as I say. Put me down. Do you hear me, Sumei? Put me down.
I’ll have you fed to the dragons. Stop! I warn you….
Dr. Quest: We owe you our lives, Race.
Race: We were lucky, Doctor, but from now on I’d rather leave the dragon slaying to St. George.
Jonny: Dad, how long do you think Ashida can get away with this crazy stuff?
Dr. Quest: I don’t know, Jonny, but things always seem to even up. I have a hunch that Ashida’s
dragons might even take care of him one day. He’ll pay for his crimes one way or another.
Jonny Quest, “The Curse of Anubis” (1964)
Dr. Kareem: You have completed your mission?
Henchman: It is done, Master. We have the god Anubis.
Dr. Kareem: It is well. You know where to take it?
Henchman: Yes, Master, across the border to ruins of Giba. Master?
Dr. Kareem: What now?
Henchman: The men are frightened. They whisper of the curse of Anubis.
Dr. Kareem: Childish superstition.
Henchman: But we have desecrated his temple. Will Anubis strike us dead?
Dr. Kareem: When there is real unity among Arab nations, Anubis will bless us. Now go.
Henchman: Yes, Master.
Dr. Kareem: And now all that remains is a trans-Atlantic call to my old friend, Dr. Benton Quest.
Dr. Quest: This is Dr. Quest. Ahmed Kareem…well, of course, I do. …Well, I’m glad to hear that.
… It has been a long time.
Dr. Kareem: Remembering your tremendous interest in archaeology, I thought that you would
want to be in on this latest discovery.
Dr. Quest: It would be an honor, Dr. Kareem. … Thank you for asking me. … Yes.
Jonny: We got to practice more, Hadji.
Hadji: Yes, we made too much noise.
Race: No, not you, Bandit. Here, I’ll show you. … Now, the next time you try to sneak up on
somebody, make sure Bandit’s motor isn’t running.
Dr. Quest: Race, Jonny, Hadji, get packed; we’re leaving for Egypt tomorrow.
Jonny: That’s funny, it sounded like Dad said we were leaving for Egypt.
Hadji: It is a very ancient country, like my own, India. … Look, Jonny.
Jonny: The pyramids and the sphinx. Imagine, Hadji, they built them entirely by hand. Boy, Egypt,
maybe I’ll get to ride a camel.
Race: Dr. Quest, I picked this paper up at the airport in Washington. Did you see this little item?
Dr. Quest: “U.A.R. officials today disclosed the theft of the famous statue of Anubis from its
restored temple on the banks of the Nile River. Police are conducting an intensive investigation.”
Well, this could be serious, Race.
Race: Why would anyone steal a statue? You can’t sell it very easily.
Dr. Quest: But it might not have been stolen for profit, Race. I wonder how Dr. Kareem feels about
Dr. Kareem: It is a despicable act. The god Anubis belongs to all the Arabic people.
Race: Who do you think is responsible, Dr. Kareem?
Dr. Kareem: I know the enemies of my people…
Jonny: Ride ‘em, cowboy. Hey, look at me, Hadji, no hands. … Hey, hold it. Stop, Bandit, don’t.
Hadji: Hold on, Jonny.
Jonny: Hold on? To what?
Hadji: Look out. … First, no hands, now, no camel. That was a good trick, Jonny.
Jonny: Anyone for a bath?
Hadji: What is the matter, Jonny? Are you not happy?
Jonny: Oh, sure, Hadji, instead of traveling in a truck, I was hoping we’d get to ride camels. …
Hey, what was that?
Dr. Kareem: Either a fox or a jackal.
Race: Maybe it’s the god Anubis, wandering around looking for his temple.
Dr. Kareem: I am afraid that my servants do not appreciate your sense of humor, Mr. Bannon.
They consider any mention of Anubis an omen of ill luck. To them the curse of Anubis is a very
real thing.
Dr. Quest: You mean the superstition that whoever enters the god’s temple will die?
Dr. Kareem: To you, a superstition; to them, the truth.
Race: Dr. Kareem, now that’s a pretty good clue: whoever stole the statue isn’t superstitious.
Dr. Kareem: It will be proven Mr. Bannon that the crime was committed by outsiders. … There is
nothing there. How often must I tell you there is nothing to fear?
Dr. Quest: What is it, Dr. Kareem?
Dr. Kareem: They say the spirit of Anubis follows us. You see, Dr. Quest, how strong their childish
superstitions are. … There it is, gentlemen, the oasis El Khabir. Tonight we rest here, tomorrow I
will reveal our destination.
Dr. Quest: Race, I want to talk to you.
Race: Yes, sir. Something’s worrying you, isn’t it?
Dr. Quest: Yes, but we can’t talk here. … I’m probably imagining things, but I want you to be
Race: For what?
Dr. Quest: I don’t know. Maybe only my imagination, Race, but over the course of years, I’ve
learned to trust my feelings. In my experience, when archaeologists find something new and
important, they can’t wait to publicize it.
Race: Yet, Dr. Kareem is keeping his findings secret.
Dr. Quest: Right. So I ask myself, why?
Race: Tomorrow we may have the answer. … A rhinoceros hide whip. They use them on their
camels. Tough as steel; cruel looking thing, isn’t it?
Dr. Quest: This is a cruel country, Race. At least by our standards.
Jonny: Hey, Race, come on.
Hadji: We want you to come explore with us.
Jonny: Will you, Race, will you?
Race: Well, if Dr. Quest doesn’t…don’t anyone move.
Dr. Quest: The whip…can you do it, Race?
Race: I don’t know…I used to be pretty good with these things.
Dr. Quest: You got it.
Jonny: That was terrific, Race.
Race: That was awful lucky, Jonny.
Dr. Kareem: I agree. Our desert scorpions are most deadly. And now, goodnight, gentlemen.
Tomorrow, I will show you what you have come so far to see. … Tomorrow, I will see step two of
my plan realized. Then nothing can stop me. … Up ahead, gentlemen, the fabled ruins of Giba.
Impressive, isn’t it?
Race: Pretty grim looking place.
Dr. Kareem: It is a ghost town, indeed. It’s history dates back 23 centuries.
Dr. Quest: Did you obtain permission to excavate in these ruins, Dr. Kareem?
Dr. Kareem: Permission?
Dr. Quest: Giba is across the border, outside of your jurisdiction.
Dr. Kareem: It is true, Dr. Quest. But in the Middle East, borders are fluid affairs. Come,
Dr. Quest: This is no archaeological excavation, Dr. Kareem. What you’ve done is right here in
these ruins.
Dr. Kareem: Yes, my friend. What we have is indeed here. There are plans to restore these ruins,
which explains our conveyance.
Race: All the comforts of home.
Dr. Kareem: This passage was hewed out of solid rock.
Dr. Quest: A fellow archaeologist, Dr. Kareem?
Dr. Kareem: Perhaps. Who will ever know? These catacombs are full of mementos from the past.
We are almost there. … Gentlemen, come follow me. Behold, the statue of Anubis.
Dr. Quest: So, it was you who stole it from the temple.
Dr. Kareem: It was I.
Dr. Quest: I should have guessed. But why?
Dr. Kareem: A fair question. This small, shall we say, tomb away from tomb is a trap, Dr. Quest.
Dr. Quest: Get to the point.
Dr. Kareem: You and Mr. Bannon will be found here with the god Anubis, and it will appear to be
a foreign plot to steal one of our ancient treasures. I have dedicated my life to welding all our
peoples together. This is the thing that will trigger that unity. We will become a great nation again.
Race: What makes you think we’ll hold still for your crackpot [crazy] accusation?
Dr. Kareem: As you can see, you have no choice. And if you think you can escape from this tomb,
perhaps this will dissuade you.
Dr. Quest: Those snakes wouldn’t be poison adders by any chance?
Dr. Kareem: Precisely, Doctor. An old Egyptian custom.
Race: Is he kidding with those things, Dr. Quest?
Dr. Kareem: I never kid, Mr. Bannon.
Dr. Quest: Stand back, Race. Those vipers are dangerous, as dangerous as Kareem.
Dr. Kareem: Correct again, Doctor. But you will find these little vipers extremely helpful.
Race: Oh, yeah? How?
Dr. Kareem: They will help keep your mind off your other problems.
Race: Thanks a heap.
Dr. Kareem: So for now, farewell, gentlemen. You will be discovered with the statue, alive or dead,
it is immaterial.
Jonny: Where’s Hadji, Bandit? Find him, boy. That one? I found you, Hadji. Come on out.
Hadji: OK, I come out.
Jonny: Darn it, I missed you again.
Hadji: You look, but you do not see. Try again.
Jonny: Ready? … You’re in this one.
Hadji: Wrong again.
Jonny: Show me how you do that, Hadji.
Hadji: You mean, like this…or maybe this?
Jonny: Hold it. Let’s take a breather. You make me dizzy.
Henchman1 : Remember, when we find the young ones, we tell them nothing. We say only that
they are to come with us. Saleem said he saw them come this way.
Henchman 2: We take the Hindu boy, too?
Henchman 1: Yes, even the dog.
Henchman 2: I wonder if Quest will be alive when the crypt is opened?
Henchman 1: I care not, nor does our master. It is enough that he is found with the god’s statue in
the ruins.
Jonny: We’ve got to do something, Hadj. He got Dad and Race.
Hadji: They will hear us.
Henchman 2: You heard?
Henchman 1: It is the young ones. They are here somewhere.
Hadji: We’ll have to move fast, Jonny.
Jonny: But how? Hey, look over there, a motorscooter.
Hadji: I will keep our friends busy while you get it. … Hey, boo!
Henchman 1: Here is one of them.
Henchman 2: Where?
Henchman 1: Here. … It is the other boy, after him.
Henchman 2: Hurry, he must not escape.
Hadji: Going my way, Jonny?
Jonny: Not yet, I’ll be back for you in a minute.
Hadji: Don’t hurry, it’s fun to watch.
Jonny: OK, Hadji, ready? … Stay, Bandit, stay.
Hadji: Here they come, Jonny.
Henchman 1: Faster, they must not get away.
Jonny: Hang on, Hadji, I’m going to take a shortcut through those tents. Hey, who put out the
Hadji: Keep driving, Jonny, I’ve got an idea. Hold it steady, Jonny. Ready, aim, bombs away. …
Hey, he’ll get a ticket if he drives like that.
Jonny: Looks like they were trying to head us off at the pass.
Hadji: Step on it [drive faster], here they come again.
Henchman: They must be hiding in that building.
Jonny: Here they come, Hadji. Ready on the firing line?
Hadji: I hear you loud and clear; over and down.
Jonny: Jolly good show, Master Hadji.
Hadji: Thank you very much, Jonny.
Jonny: I wonder what made him so mad?
Hadji: Here he comes up the ladder to tell us.
Jonny: You keep him busy, Hadji, while I take care of Operation Pushover.
Hadji: Get going, here he comes. … No, no, the name is Hadji.
Jonny: Hello up there, nice of you to drop in. Now, fall out.
Hadji: Sorry to see you go.
Jonny: Let’s go, Hadji. I’ll meet you at the front door. … They don’t pave these streets like they
used to, Hadji.
Hadji: Yes, very bumpy.
Henchman 1: I will stop them.
Henchman 2: No, the master wants them alive.
Hadji: Slow down, Jonny, we are coming to some ruins.
Jonny: I can’t. Maybe we can make it over that beam.
Hadji: We ought to join a circus act.
Jonny: Right now we got to get to Dad and Race.
Hadji: Right.
Henchman: Someone come, Master.
Dr. Kareem: It is the young ones. Stop!
Jonny: Sorry, I don’t speak Egyptian.
Hadji: Me neither.
Dr. Kareem: After them.
Jonny: Sure dark in here.
Hadji: I wonder where this passage leads to.
Jonny: I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure…no friend of mine.
Hadji: Or of mine.
Dr. Kareem: Watch for them; they must not escape. They must be just ahead of us.
Hadji: Look out, Jonny. This is a dead end. … Jonny, look, the wall.
Dr. Quest: Jonny, Hadji.
Jonny: It’s Dad and Race.
Hadji: We made it in time.
Dr. Quest: Boys, stay right where you are.
Jonny: Look, Hadji, snakes.
Race: Not just snakes—poisonous adders.
Jonny: What do we do, Hadji?
Hadji: Let me try something—it works on cobras.
Jonny: Look, Hadji, it’s working. They’re leaving. … How did you that?
Hadji: I just told them to go home.
Race: Let’s skip the reunion, fellows.
Dr. Quest: Right, we’ve got to get out of here.
Dr. Kareem: Correction, you will never leave this place.
Jonny: It’s Bandit. He followed us.
Dr. Kareem: Silence the animal.
Jonny: Don’t you shoot at my dog.
Race: Hold it, Jonny.
Dr. Kareem: My destiny is to be the leader of my nation, and no one will interfere.
Henchman: Look, it is Anubis, the god himself. He is displeased.
Dr. Kareem: No, you fools. Come back.
Jonny: Look, what’s that?
Hadji: It’s a mummy. It’s walking.
Dr. Kareem: No, no, it cannot be. The spirit of Anubis walking, following me. Stay away.
Jonny: Gosh, the bullets went right through him. … Hey, the roof is caving in. Look out.
Dr. Quest: Ahmed found out there was a curse after all.
Race: Yes, and for us, too; that cave in blocked the passage.
Hadji: Look, above us.
Race: There’s our way out alright. … Sorry, Bandit, we almost forgot you. … You first, Jonny,
then Hadji.
Hadji: Where are we, Jonny? Can you tell?
Jonny: Yeah, we’re right in the middle of …..

Scooby Doo, Where Are You?, “A Tiki Scare Is No Fair” (1970)
Note: Scooby Doo’s remarks are in proper English and bracketed in italics.
Shaggy: Like, Hawaii is the place for vacation. … [Food] Yeah, food.
Mr. Simms: Hold it. This will make a good picture for my newspaper.
Shaggy: How’s this? This tour you’ve taken us on is the greatest, Mr. Simms. That is, so far.
Mr. Simms: So far?
Shaggy: Sure, like visiting that ancient village of a lost tribe tomorrow leaves me cold. And
besides, there isn’t going to be a luau [Hawaiian feast].
Mr. Simms: But Shaggy, that isn’t part of my tour.
Shaggy: I know, the rest of the gang thought it up.
Mr. Simms: Oh, no, you must not go there. That ancient village is haunted.
Shaggy: Haunted?
Mr. Simms: Not even I would go there.
Shaggy: Then neither will we, right Scoob? [Right, Shag]
Mr. Simms: Smart thinking. Now forget all about ghosts and have a good time.
Shaggy: I’ll bet the gang back at the Pineapple Parlor aren’t having as much fun as we are.
Native: Ghost drums!
Witchdoctor: Trespassers, hear me! You are on the forbidden ground of Mano-tiki-tia. Leave at
once, or face his vengeance!
Shaggy: This way, Scoob. Scooby Doo, where are you? Hey, where is everybody? Mr. Simms?
Scooby? All gone. Everyone’s vanished.
Velma: After forty-seven luaus in a row, I don’t see how Shag and Scoob could possibly handle
another one.
Fred: You know those two—always hungry.
Daphne: Besides, they’re probably so stuffed they can’t move.
Shaggy: Ghosts…ghost drums…witchdoctors…
Daphne: What?
Fred: Shaggy, get a hold of yourself.
Shaggy: Like, OK, but it doesn’t help.
Velma: Where’s Mr. Simms and Scooby Doo?
Shaggy: The natives, Mr. Simms, and Scooby Doo vanished…poof!
Fred: I think you’re full of poi [Hawaiian taro], but let’s go find them.
Velma: Shaggy, it’s a scientific fact: people and Scooby don’t just vanish.
Shaggy: Yeah? Like it’s also a scientific fact that drums don’t play without drummers. … So,
where is everybody?
Velma: I’ve got an idea. Let’s ask that old man.
Daphne: What old man?
Velma: He’s gone.
Fred: See any clues?
Shaggy: No, but I hear one.
Daphne: Look!...A ghost drum!
Fred: Let’s evacuate.
Velma: Hey, it’s gone.
Fred: Then how come the drumming is getting louder?
Shaggy: Yikes! It’s there—ask the ghost drum. … Scooby Doo, where were you? [Hiding]
Hiding? You mean scaring. Is this any way to greet your buddies? [Better?] Better.
Velma: Well, so much for Scooby’s vanishing act.
Fred: Now let’s find Mr. Simms.
Shaggy: Let’s don’t.
Velma: Shame on you two. After all, he’s our host, and he took us to forty-seven luaus.
Fred: And there might not be a forty-eighth.
Shaggy: Another luau? Let’s go.
Fred: Not a single clue.
Velma: Look, on the ground.
Shaggy: All I see is dirt.
Velma: A struggle took place here.
Daphne: And there’s where somebody was dragged away.
Fred: And that somebody must have been Mr. Simms.
Velma: Let’s follow it. Come on. … Hold it!
Shaggy: First ghosts, now litterbugs.
Velma: A newspaper article written by John Simms. His article tells about villagers being
terrorized by a ghostly legend come to life, Mano-tiki-tia. Now he’s investigating to see if the
ghosts have really have come back to haunt the island.
Fred: Looks like we’ve got another mystery on our hands.
Daphne: And the first thing to do is to find Mr. Simms.
Velma: And I bet he’s in that ancient village.
Daphne: That’s a perfect place for ghosts.
Shaggy: Oh, who wants to find an old haunted village? [Not us.]
Fred: Oh, yes you do.
Shaggy: Like, no way. Besides, those tracks stop at the jungle.
Daphne: Oh, we can follow them in the jungle thanks to Scooby’s keen tracking nose. [Who me?]
Fred: Too bad, this Scooby snack smells delicious.
Shaggy: A Scooby snack?
Velma: Sorry, Scoob, you had your chance.
Shaggy: Zoinks! [Bats.] Yeah, bats. … Zoinks! [Hey, look out!] Look out? Like, all I can see are
your paws.
Velma: Sorry, guys, it looks like I’ve not only lost Shag and Scoob, but us, too.
Daphne: So, how will we ever find them or the haunted village?
Velma: Any ideas, Fred?
Fred: Not yet, but something will hit me.
Velma: Wow, now where is this?
Shaggy: Hey, give a look up. Maybe it’s a clue.
Velma: It’s Mano-tiki-tia.
Fred: Thanks to Shag and Scooby we found the haunted village.
Velma: It looks too creepy to be real.
Shaggy: Like, it’s real all right
Fred: Let’s have a look.
Velma: We lost him.
Daphne: What next?
Shaggy: Hey, Daph, did you have to say that? … Hey, Fred, Velma, and Daph are still in that
creepy place. And I wish we were, too.
Velma: What is this place?
Fred: I don’t know, but I don’t think I want to find out.
Daphne: Hey, guys, Shaggy and Scooby got out.
Velma: Then this must be the way out.
Fred: Well?
Velma: It won’t budge. There must be another way out.
Daphne: OK, let’s find it.
Shaggy: Hey, let us in before… Oh, no, and me without even my slingshot. Like, I guess a club
will do. OK, Spooky, come and get it. Zoinks!
Fred: We’ll need a torch.
Daphne: She’s…she’s disappeared.
Fred: Now we have to find Mr. Simms, Shaggy, Scooby, and Velma.
Daphne: Look, Fred, it might be a way out.
Fred: Or a way in…to more danger.
Velma: Wow…oh, no, it’s Mr. Simms’ hat. They got him, but they’re not going to get me.
Shaggy: Come on, Scoob. Like, you’re not really afraid of ghosts, are you? … Like, who said that?
[Not me.] Well, that answers that. … Thanks, Velma. Like in another moment, that freaky tiki
would have made poi out of this boy. [Me, too.]
Velma: We’re still not safe, so let’s split [leave].
Shaggy: But old terrible tiki’s after us.
Velma: Not only him, but also the [witchdoctor]…right, Scoob, the witchdoctor, but how did you
Shaggy: Zoinks! … Let’s barricade the door. Come on, Velma. … Like, thanks. … What’s the
Velma: Have a seat, Doc.
Fred: Shag, Velma, Scooby Doo?
Daphne: Fred, there’s nobody here but us.
Shaggy: Like, me Tarzan, this Jane.
Velma: Yeah, me Jane.
Shaggy: Him, Cheetah the chimp. … You look for boy, girl, and dog? Like, they went that way.
Velma: It worked. What a lucky break.
Shaggy: Like some lucky break.
Daphne: What did you see?
Fred: Something on that table.
Daphne: Oyster shells and pearls. This is a real clue.
Fred: You’re right. And now all we have to do is find everybody and solve the mystery of Mano-
tiki-tia. This way.
Shaggy: My feet are killing me.
Velma: It’s a good thing we slipped the witchdoctor, or that isn’t all that would be getting killed.
Shaggy: Like I’m too whacked to walk. [So am I, let’s fly.] Hey, an airplane. … Like, it must have
crashed here years ago.
Velma: I don’t think so.
Shaggy: What about all those vines?
Velma: Plastic, and definitely a clue.
Shaggy: It’s a skinny spooky.
Velma: No, Shag, it’s not real. Look at your foot. See, it’s a trip wire.
Shaggy: Yeah, it sure tripped [confused—also drug slang] me.
Velma: But it also operated that fake skeleton. And look what Scooby found, a tape recorder that
made the skeleton laugh.
Shaggy: Like I sure fell for that trick.
Velma: Naturally, but I wonder why anyone would make such an elaborate set-up like this.
Shaggy: Beats me, but I’m going to have the last laugh. Hey skinny, do you know why the
skeleton went to the library? … To bone up on a few things. See? I get the last laugh.
Daphne: We were hoping we’d bump into you guys.
Fred: Yeah, but not so hard. … With all the clues we’ve found so far, the mystery is starting to
piece together.
Velma: Except, we still haven’t found Mr. Simms. [Footprints.] Scooby’s right, footprints. And
they’re fresh.
Shaggy: Wonder where they go.
Daphne: Let’s follow them.
Fred: Come on. … Whoever he is, get him.
Shaggy: I forgot my swim fins, but here goes.
Velma: A secret cavern.
Fred: That is the way out, I hope.
Velma: A secret entrance to the village.
Fred: Yeah, but where did the old man go?
Daphne: Who is that old man?
Witchdoctor: Foolish mortals! You have returned to face the wrath of Mano-tiki-tia.
Daphne: We’re trapped.
Shaggy: Like, what do we do?
Fred: I say we get out of here.
Daphne: Brilliant. … What is that?
Shaggy: Whoops! Wow! [We did it.] We certainly did, Scooby.
Velma: It’s sure strange the witchdoctor could get shook up [scared] by a jungle creature.
Fred: Right, that’s my plan, to shake him up a lot.
Daphne: What’s the action?
Fred: First, we’ve got to get that trick amusement park mirror from the Mystery Machine. Now, we
hide it in the jungle like this. Next, Scooby and Shaggy play ghost drums to lure the witchdoctor
Shaggy: Right, like we’re experts.
Fred: Then, when the witchdoctor sees his image in the mirror, he runs down the trail and plops
right into the giant pit we covered with palm leaves. And Bingo—we capture the witchdoctor and
solve the mystery.
Shaggy: Stop clowning, Scoob. It’s time for spooking. … Hey, Scoob, pick up the beat. What are
you crying about? … Yikes! Another witchdoctor. … Hang on, Scoob. Well, what do you know,
we got him.
Fred: Now for the unmasking. Ladies and gentlemen…Mr. John Simms?
Shaggy: But what is a Mano-tiki-tia?
Velma: See, Shaggy, it’s like a parade float operated by Mr. Simms’ henchmen.
Fred: Now all the clues add up. Simms engineered this hoax. They’re plan was to scare the fishing
villagers away so they could poach their pearl beds. Right, Mr. Simms?
Mr. Simms: I’m not talking.
Fred: Then he’d come here to the haunted village because nobody would dare to follow ghosts.
Shaggy: But, he was at the luau with us.
Velma: No, it was his pal disguised as the witchdoctor.
Daphne: What about the mysterious old man?
Lt. Tamuru: Perhaps I can answer that—Lt. Tamuru, Hawaii police department. I was on the trail
of these pearl poachers for a long time, but thanks to you kids…and you, too, Scooby Doo, things
got wrapped up in a hurry.
Daphne: Oh well, we still have one more day of our vacation left.
Lt. Tamuru: And that day will be on me.
Shaggy: Scooby Doo, come back here with my poi.

Scooby Doo, Where Are You?, “Scooby’s Night with a Frozen Fright” (1971)
Velma: This sure is a groovy [good] day for a beach party.
Daphne: I’ll say.
Fred: Hey, Shag. How you doing with the surf fishing?
Shag: Not even a nibble. Scooby, have you had any luck yet? [You bet.] Hot dogs? Where’d you
catch them? [Watch.] Hey, that’s our lunch basket. Now why didn’t I think of that? Scooby, that
was like the one that got away.
Velma: Come on, Shag, let’s dance.
Shaggy: Just one more cast. I got a feeling I’ll catch something this time.
Velma: Using a toy mouse for bait?
Shaggy: Sure—what better way to catch a catfish? … Hey, I must have like hooked Moby Dick.
Give me a hand, Scoob. … Oh boy, it must weigh a ton. … Zoinks! What’s that?
Daphne: Wow, it’s a caveman frozen in ice.
Fred: I wonder where this frozen fright floated in from.
Velma: I know, I read about it in the paper. Scientists found this two million year old caveman in
the Arctic. A research vessel was taking him to Oceanland for study when he was lost overboard
during a storm at sea.
Shaggy: Am I glad he’s frozen in there and we’re out here.
Fred: Well, he won’t stay frozen for long. We’ve got to get him to Oceanland, so scientists can put
him in a cooler before he melts.
Velma: So, we didn’t waste any time bringing the caveman here to Oceanland, Professor Wayne.
Prof. Wayne: Both Professor Ingstrom and I wish to thank you for rushing our frozen friend to us.
Fred: You’re welcome, Professor.
Daphne: We’re glad to get rid of him.
Shaggy: Like, what would have happened if I hadn’t hooked that prehistoric ice cube?
Prof. Ingstrom: With the prevailing current, it would have drifted down to Oceanland anyhow.
Velma: Shouldn’t you put him in a refrigerator or something?
Prof. Wayne: Yes, we’ll store him in the Arctic room; it’s very cold in there.
Prof. Ingstrom: Wouldn’t it be an amazing achievement if we could bring the caveman back to
Velma: If you don’t mind, we like him just the way he is.
Fred: Well, we’ve got to be going. Come on, Scoob, let’s go. [Coming. Sorry, madam.]
Prof. Ingstrom: It’s getting late, Professor Wayne. Are you coming?
Prof. Wayne: No, Professor Ingstrom. I still have some work to do on these notes on arctic
Prof. Ingstrom: Very well, I’m going down to the dock. I have some…research to do.
Fred: Boy, was that good.
Daphne: You bet.
Shaggy: Isn’t there anything more to eat?
Velma: Just two slices of bread and an old ice cube.
Shaggy: I’ll take it.
Fred: Speaking of ice cubes, I wonder how our frozen friend is doing.
Shaggy: Zoinks! I just remembered: I left my rod and reel at Oceanland.
Fred: Well, it’s not too late. We’ll drive back and get it.
Velma: Wow, this place is spooky at night.
Fred: Professor Wayne? Professor Ingstrom?
Daphne: They must have gone home for the night.
Shaggy: I guess we’ll have to come back tomorrow. … Let’s go.
Fred: Wait a minute. Get a load of this door.
Velma: It’s been ripped right off its hinges.
Daphne: It looks like somebody or something was in a big hurry to get out.
Velma: But what?
Fred: There’s only one way to find out.
Shaggy: Yeah, like we’ll go home and read about it in tomorrow’s paper.
Fred: That’s not what I had in mind, Shaggy. Come on. … Jumping jellybeans. It looks like this
room has been hit by a cyclone.
Velma: Hey look, Professor Wayne’s fur parka. It’s been torn up.
Daphne: But where’s Professor Wayne?
Shaggy: What I want to know is: Where’s the caveman? Look! [He’s gone!]
Daphne: But that’s impossible.
Velma: Not if he came to life, it isn’t.
Shaggy: That does it; I’m calling the sheriff. Got to get the sheriff. [Shaggy, broken.] Don’t bother
me now, Scoob. … Hello, Sheriff, hello… The phone’s busted. Why didn’t you say something,
Velma: There’s something very peculiar about this block of ice melting in the Arctic Room.
Fred: Maybe this heater explains why—it’s been turned on.
Daphne: But why would anyone want to bring that creep to life?
Fred: I don’t know. But we’re going to find out.
Velma: Hey, look. Footprints.
Shaggy: And, like, look at the size of them. Extra large caveman.
Velma: We’re in luck. We can follow them right to him. Can’t we, Scooby.
Fred: You heard the lady. Let’s go.
Shaggy: Like, I’ve heard of holding someone’s hand when they’re scared, but this is ridiculous.
Fred: Look, the footprints end at the edge of the dock.
Velma: And take a look who’s out on the dock—Professor Ingstrom.
Daphne: What’s he doing with that strange equipment?
Shaggy: This scene [situation] is getting creepier by the minute.
Velma: Is he talking to the fish, or am I dreaming?
Daphne: Not dreaming, I don’t think.
Fred: Scooby, sneak up closer and see if you can tell what he’s up to. [Me?]
Shaggy: Like you’re the only Scooby around here, thank goodness.
Fred: So far, so good.
Prof. Ingstrom: Who’s there? … Must have been the wind.
Shaggy: Scoob, look out for those pails.
Velma: Scooby, are you all right?
Daphne: Professor Ingstrom sure acted suspiciously.
Velma: I’ll bet he’s up to something.
Fred: It’s our job to find out what—come on. Let’s take a look in that shack. … It’s the caveman.
Shaggy: Let’s get out of here. … Faster, Velma, faster. … Zoinks! We’re goners [dead]. Let’s like
find some place to hide.
Daphne: Boy, was that close.
Velma: Too close.
Fred: Come on, we better see what happened to Shag and Scoob.
Shaggy: Zoinks! Now you really got him mad.
Daphne: Gosh, we’ve looked almost everywhere but still no sign of Shaggy and Scooby.
Fred: I hope big and ugly didn’t find them.
Velma: Not a chance. If I know those two chickens, they’re probably miles away from the
caveman by now.
Shaggy: Well, like I always wanted to take spin around Oceanland. … Zoinks! We’ve landed on
the tail of a whale.
Fred: Still no sign of Shag and Scooby.
Velma: Correction, here they come.
Daphne: And there they go.
Velma: Shaggy, Scooby, are you all right?
Shaggy: Yeah, but now I know how a baseball feels when it’s knocked out of the park. [Me, too.]
Fred: This whole mystery’s got me puzzled. First, Professor Wayne vanishes, then Ingstrom
disappears, and finally that frozen fright appeared big as life.
Daphne: I bet Ingstrom and his crazy machine had something to do with it.
Velma: Maybe this clue I found in the lab will give us some answers.
Shaggy: Like what is it?
Velma: An ocean chart; and look, this line, drawn from a spot marked X follows the current right
to Oceanland. [She’s right.]
Fred: Well, our next step is to find out what’s out there.
Shaggy: You mean like you’re going out there where X marks the spot?
Fred: Wrong. You’re going out there with Velma and Scooby. Meanwhile, Daphne and I will try to
find out what the caveman’s up to.
Shaggy: Shaggy, steer three degrees to starboard and then seven degrees to port.
Shaggy: I’m nervous enough, just a simple turn left or turn right will do.
Velma: We should just about be there; keep a sharp lookout, Scooby. [Look, look, dead ahead.]
Shaggy: A spooky old fishing boat.
Velma: And it’s anchored where the X’s marked on the chart. … It seems to be deserted. This is
our chance to search for clues.
Shaggy: Oh boy. With our luck we’ll probably find a ghost crew.
Velma: Nothing in there.
Shaggy: A horrible creature?
Velma: Oh Scooby, it’s only me. Now come inside and let’s look around.
Shaggy: Like what kind of clues are we looking for?
Velma: Anything unusual or mysterious.
Shaggy: You mean like doors slamming and locking behind us? Yikes! What am I saying? It did
slam and did lock and we’re trapped.
Velma: And that’s not all. Look, an ice machine.
Shaggy: And somebody turned it on full blast.
Velma: Hey, wait a minute, this is a clue: the caveman was frozen in ice.
Shaggy: And we’re going to be next if we don’t get out of here.
Velma: We haven’t much time. Somebody better think of something fast.
Shaggy: Here’s a Scooby snack, Scoob. … Think of something.
Velma: What’s he doing with those ice tongs?
Shaggy: I don’t know, but give him room to do it in. Wow, he’s going to build up speed and ram
the door with a block of ice. Go, Scooby, go. Look out, Scoob.
Velma: Oh no, he’s losing control. … That ice hit the keyhole so hard, it was forced through in the
shape of a key. See if you can reach it, Scooby.
Shaggy: And like hurry.
Velma: Hurry, Scooby, the ice is piling up.
Shaggy: Hurry, Scoob, hurry. … Lucky that key worked.
Velma: And just in time. Come on, let’s go back to Oceanland and tell the others what we found.
Shaggy: I’m for that.
Velma: Whoever locked us in the cabin wants to be double sure we don’t get ashore, but don’t
worry—I’ve got a hot idea.
Shaggy: You call this a hot idea?
Velma: Keep paddling, Shaggy. This is no time to get cold feet.
Shaggy: It’s not cold feet I’m worrying about.
Fred: Well, we’ve got lots of pieces to this puzzle, but we still don’t know how they fit together.
Velma: I figure the only way to figure out this mystery is to capture the caveman.
Shaggy: I figured that’s what she’s figure.
Fred: Now here’s my plan, Shaggy. All you and Scooby have to do is to find the caveman and let
him chase you through that doorway.
Velma: And when you do, we simply drop the net on him.
Shaggy: Like what safer way to sneak up on an old gruesome than disguised as a couple of fish?
… Zoinks! Hold it, there he is now. OK, Scoob, do your stuff. [Here goes.] Bullseye! … Feet—I
mean fins—let’s go. … Zoinks! He’s gaining on us. [Help!]
Daphne: I think I hear them coming.
Velma: Daphne, don’t lean over so far.
Shaggy: Hey, like what happened?
Fred: Danger-prone Daphne did it again.
Velma: Oh no, here comes trouble.
Fred: Let’s get out of here.
Caveman: Someone get me out of here!
Shaggy: Hey, like he can talk.
Fred: Let’s pull him out, Shag. Then we’ll see who he really is. All together—pull! It’s Professor
Sheriff: You mean to say this whole caveman thing was a hoax?
Fred: Not entirely, Sheriff. The two million year old caveman that was lost at sea was for real.
Velma: And that’s what gave Professor Wayne the idea for his scheme.
Fred: First, he froze the dummy caveman in a block of ice out at the old fishing boat. Then, he set
it adrift, knowing that it would float to Oceanland.
Daphne: Then, he melted the ice with an electric heater, and made it appear that the caveman had
come to life and caused himself and Ingstrom to vanish.
Shaggy: Once Ingstrom was out of the way, Wayne would return, claiming to have escaped from
the caveman.
Sheriff: But why did he do it?
Prof. Ingstrom: I can answer that. He was after my invention—a revolutionary marine life
Shaggy: Like wow! You mean you can talk to fish with it?
Prof. Ingstrom: That invention is worth a fortune.
Prof. Wayne: And it would have been mine if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.
Sheriff: Well, where you’re going, you won’t have to worry about meddling kids anymore.
Fred: Well, that wraps up this mystery. Let’s head for the Malt Shop.
Velma: What are we going to do with old tall, dark, and dummy?
Shaggy: Like I got an idea.
Velma: It was a clever idea you had, Shaggy.
Shaggy: Yeah, like Scoob needed a dance partner, and he couldn’t have gotten a better one.
Fred: I got to admit—Scoob has style.
Daphne: Yeah, he’s all over the floor.

Scooby Doo, Where Are You?, “Mystery Mask Mix-Up” (1971)
Zen Tuo: The mask of Zen Tuo must be returned to the temple. Now go, and do not return until
you have the mask in your possession.
Henchmen: We hear and obey!
Velma: Wow, this Chinese New Year’s parade sure is the greatest.
Fred: And that’s some dragon, huh, Shag?
Shaggy: I wouldn’t know. Like, I can’t see a thing but Scoob’s big paws. Come on, Scooby, get
off; it’s my turn to sit on your shoulders.
Daphne: Oh, no. They’re off balance.
Fred: They’re going to fall.
Daphne: It looks like this parade is getting dangerous.
Velma: Yeah, let’s go look in a few of the curio shops. I’ll bet it’ll be a lot safer.
Shaggy: Yeah, like I’m for anything that’s safer.
Shop owner: Perhaps you would be interested in this golden mask.
Fred: No thanks. Sitting on faces are more my game.
Daphne: I think it’s groovy; I’ll take it.
Shaggy: Looks like Daphne wants to scare up a couple of new boyfriends.
Daphne: Very funny.
Velma: Come on, you clowns. Let’s get something to eat.
Shaggy: Food—my favorite hobby. [Mine, too.]
Henchman: We have come for the golden mask.
Shop owner: But, I no longer have the mask. It was just purchased by a young girl.
Henchman: Then, we will find her.
Shaggy: When we get to the restaurant, the first thing I’m going to order is a chop suey malt. …
[Me, too.] Ghosts!
Velma: Who are you?
Fred: What do you want?
Henchman: We want the mask.
Shaggy: With faces like that, you ought to have two masks.
Daphne: It belongs to me, and you can’t have it.
Henchman: Then, we will take it.
Velma: Quick, Scooby, make like a watchdog.
Shaggy: Like look, Scoob borrowed a shirt presser from a Chinese laundry.
Velma: He’s making a steam smoke-screen.
Fred: Come on; let’s get out of here.
Velma: And that’s why we came to you, Mr. Fong. Being the only oriental art dealer in town, we
figured you might be able to tell us what’s behind the mystery of this mask.
Fong: You are right. I do know the mystery. The golden mask was stolen many centuries ago from
the crypt of the great warlord Zen Tuo. Now his ghost has returned to claim the mask.
Daphne: But who are those two hooded horribles?
Fong: They are his emissaries of the living dead.
Shaggy: You mean like zombies?
Fong: Yes, I give you a friendly warning: as long as the mask is in your possession, you are in
great danger.
Fred: You think that story of Zen Tuo was for real?
Velma: I don’t know, but those two hooded zombies were for real enough.
Daphne: Well, they’re not getting my mask.
Shaggy: And don’t look now, but I think they’re after us again.
Daphne: I didn’t know zombies could drive cars.
Velma: Well, these can.
Fred: Hang on, gang, I’m going to try and lose them.
Fred: Well, they say that fish is supposed to be good for you.
Velma: Yeah, but this is overdoing it.
Shaggy: Like, thanks, Scoob, I was beginning to feel like a sardine.
Fred: Hey, where’s Daphne?
Velma: Oh, no, look! Those two creeps have got her and the mask.
Fred: Well, we finally got the Mystery Machine out, but there’s no telling where they’ve taken
Velma: Maybe Scooby can sniff out their trail.
Shaggy: It’s like no use. All he can smell is fresh fish.
Velma: Hey, wait a minute. What’s this?
Fred: It looks like a Chinese laundry ticket. Those hooded hyenas must have dropped it.
Velma: I can read Chinese, but I can’t make heads or tails of this.
Shaggy: Like, what’s with Scoob?
Velma: That laundry ticket must have reflected something off my glasses.
Fred: Look, when it’s held up to a mirror, you can read it.
Shaggy: It, like, says: “The temple in the hills.”
Velma: Hey, I know where that place is—it’s supposed to be haunted.
Fred: That’s where they must have taken Daphne.
Shaggy: Scary old place, here we come.
Fred: The quickest way to find Daphne is to split up. Shag, you and Scoob go that way. Velma and
I will go this way.
Shaggy: But, it’s like dark and spooky down there.
Velma: Where else would ghosts be living?
Shaggy: Yeah, I never thought of it that way. Come on, Scooby.
Fred: Nothing down here but a bunch of dragons and statues.
Velma: And don’t look now, but one of them is opening.
Fred: Look, it’s Daphne.
Velma: I think she’s trying to tell us something.
Daphne: It’s a trap.
Fred: Now we’re all locked in.
Daphne: And there’s no way out.
Shaggy: I wonder what’s behind that curtain, Scoob. [Shower?] No, it’s not a shower. Now, like,
go in there and take a look. … What are you? A dog or a mouse? … How do you like that? Man’s
best friend’s a mouse. I guess it’s up to me to take a look, but what you can’t see, can’t hurt you.
… I might have known I’d walk into a flower pot. Get me a towel, will you, Scoob? [Right.]
Zoinks! … He’ll never get through that door, Scoob. … Wouldn’t you know he’d come through
the wall?
Zen Tuo: You have angered the ghost of Zen Tuo. Now you shall pay.
Shaggy: What’ll we do, Scooby Doo? … You mean, bluff him? … Hey, it’s worth a try. You don’t
scare us, Zen Tuo. Go on, I dare you to cross the line, but I warn you, I know judo, chop suey, and
Chinese checkers. … How about this line? … I don’t think he wants to play anymore. … Zoinks!
The scare pair. … We’re running, Scoob, but like we’re not going anywhere. [Shaggy, look!] Low
bridge coming up. … Faster, Scoob, faster. … Slower, Scoob, slower. … Welcome to Shag’s and
Scooby’s Haunted Chinese Restaurant. The place where the ghosts eat the most. You two look like
you could stand a little fattening up. … A bib for the boo-boys. Mustn’t get dirty, you know. Here’s
the specialty of the house: chocolate chop suey and liver a la mode. If you want anything else, just
Henchman: After them.
Fred: It’s no use; it won’t budge.
Daphne: I guess our only chance is if Shag and Scoob and find us.
Velma: If it’s up to Shag and Scoob, oh boy, are we in trouble.
Shaggy: It looks like we finally ditched those creeps, Scoob. … Don’t you know it’s illegal to
shoot off firework and wreck a storeroom?
Zen Tuo: We will build a new storeroom.
Shaggy: Like, whose going to build a new us? … Come on, Scoob, we’ve got to put out that fuse.
… One more bounce ought to do it. We did it.
Fred: Well, what do you know? We’re free.
Velma: Lucky you two landed on the idol’s arms. That’s what opened it.
Shaggy: Like now that we’ve found you, let’s get lost.
Fred: Not before we solve this mystery.
Velma: We’ve just got to find a clue.
Daphne: I think I know where there’s one. I saw it when those two goons brought me here.
Fred: A pigeon coop?
Velma: I think Daphne was right. These are carrier pigeons. And listen to the message tied to this
one’s leg: “November 10, 12:30, Hidden Cove.”
Shaggy: But, like, what does it mean?
Velma: It means that this mystery is just about solved.
Fred: Right. And all that’s left to do is to trap Mr. Zen Tuo. But first we’ll need a Chinese gong, a
couple of Roman candle rockets, and Shaggy’s model train set from the Mystery Machine.
Shaggy: I sure hope this crazy contraption works.
Fred: Sure it will. When Zen Tuo comes through that doorway, he’ll step right on that gong.
Velma: Then, we’ll pull the string that snaps the mousetrap and strikes the match on the sandpaper,
so it can light the fuse.
Fred: Then, Zen Tuo will rocket down the train tracks and into that pigeon coop where we’ll have
Velma: If Scoob’s finished laying the track, we’re all set to go.
Shaggy: Like, he’d better be because here comes Zen Tuo now.
Velma: Well, it’s not the way we planned it, but it looks like we’ve got ourselves a sack full of
Inspector Lu: From the beginning, we suspected Mr. Fong was the leader of an international
smuggling ring but could never get any evidence to prove it.
Velma: Well, this mask will give you all the evidence you need, Inspector Lu.
Daphne: Each month, one of these masks was sent to Mr. Fong from out of the country.
Velma: Inside there’s a roll of recording tape with the names and dates of all their shipments.
Fred: And they play the tape, write down the information on tiny slips of paper, and send it to the
rest of their gang by carrier pigeon.
Inspector Lu: But, how did you kids get the mask?
Daphne: By accident. It was delivered to a curio shop by mistake where I bought it.
Velma: And this ghost get up was used to scare away anyone who got curious about this old
Shaggy: You know, all this excitement has made me hungry. [Me, too.]
Velma: Well, fellows, I just happen to have one Scooby snack with me, but you’ll have to jump for
Shaggy: This will be a cinch. … How do you like that? Out-foxed by a mouse.

What’s New, Scooby Doo?, “She Sees Sea Monsters Down by the Seashore” (2002)
German woman: Fritz, they are swimming so far from the boat.
Fritz: Oh, stop worrying Liebchen [Ger.: darling]; the Kinder [Ger: children] are having fun.
There’s nothing here but harmless…
German woman: Sea monster! Stephanie, Illytch, schnell [Ger.: quickly]!
Shaggy: Like, this is more like it, right Scoob? [Yeah, more like it.]
Shaggy: No grisly graveyards, spooky specters, or ghoulish ghosts—nothing but sun and fun. And
we’ve only just begun.
Fred: You said it. Sure was nice of Daphne’s father to let us use his company’s time share. Hey,
you want to play?
Shaggy: No thanks, Fred. Like, just watching you is making me tired. I’m resting up for our trip to
Aqualand tomorrow.
Velma: If we have to take a vacation, at least the island of Fajamanu offers an interesting
assortment of aquatic animals to study.
Shaggy: Like, I’d rather study this delicious jerk boy sandwich. Hey! Zoinks! Monster!
Velma: That’s no monster, silly. It’s a sea turtle.
Fred: Uh-oh. It’s heading back into the water and Daphne’s surfing out there.
Velma: Relax Freddy, sea turtles are harmless. We’re more of a threat to them. You know,
sometimes I think that man is the most dangerous creature out there.
Stinkeye: Hey Mainlander, what do you think you’re doing in Stinkeye’s spot?
Daphne: Hi, I’m pretty sure I’m surfing.
Stinkeye: Wrong! You’re leaving, princess. Locals only. Why don’t you get a pedicure, and let the
island boys surf the big waves. Later. … Hey, what’s up?
Daphne: For your information, I already had a pedicure, and this is my ride. … Jeepers!
Fred: Daphne, are you OK?
Daphne: Did you see the sea monster? It was huge and green and ugly all over.
Shaggy: Sounds like that salad that we had on the airplane.
Velma: Daphne, I think your board must have bumped you on the head. There’s nothing like that in
these waters [this part of the ocean].
German woman: Ja, ja, but there is, young lady.
Fritz: Ja, it sunk our boat und [Ger.: and] many others also.
Velma: A sea monster? That’s a statistical impossibility.
Daphne: Then, Velma, what do you call this?
Velma: This bite is twice as big as any shark’s mouth. It could eat as much in one gulp as Scooby
and Shaggy do all day.
Sharky-tazo: Mr. Blake, your luggage finally came from the airport. Which one…?
Daphne: I’m Mr. Blake, I mean I’m Daphne Blake, his daughter.
Sharky-tazo: I am Sharky-tazo, concierge, guide, and local Jack-of-all-Trades for the Granville
Resort. Anything else I can do for you?
Velma: Not unless you can tell us about a certain big, slimy sea monster.
Sharky-tazo: Motoshandu? Sure, I know all about it, mon [pidgin form of address].
Daphne: You do?
Sharky-tazo: The Motoshandu is the island spirit. Legend says she rises from the depths whenever
Fajamanu is threatened.
Daphne: My surfing isn’t that threatening.
Sharky-tazo: A lot of locals think that all the tourists offend Motoshandu; that’s why she sinks their
Fred: Well, gang, it looks like we’ve got a mystery to solve and a monster to find.
Daphne: But how are we going to find a sea monster in all that ocean?
Sharky-tazo: You can’t, mon; Motoshandu’s a spirit. But, if it’s a bird’s eye view of the ocean you
want, I think I can help you out.
Daphne: It’s so beautiful.
Velma: What’s that down there, Sharky?
Sharky-tazo: Morokimi Reef. That’s where Motoshandu sunk the rental boats.
Fred: We’re going to have to get a closer look.
Sharky-tazo: I know a guy. He’ll give you a much closer look.
Crunchy: Well, can’t get much closer than this, folks.
Daphne: Jeepers, look, a manta ray.
Velma: Jinkies, a jellyfish.
Crunchy: What did I tell you? Crunchy’s glass bottom boat tour rules.
Fred: Crunchy, aren’t you afraid of the Motoshandu?
Crunchy: Dude, I’ve brought about a zillion tourists to the reef on the Big Blue Mama here, and I
have never seen anything but the wonders of nature.
Velma: What about all the wrecked boats?
Crunchy: Oh, bad karma.
Daphne: Jeepers, what’s that?
Shaggy: Zoinks! It’s the sea monster.
Crunchy: No way.
Shaggy: It’s here for our noon feeding, and we’re the food.
Fred: Crunchy, look out!
Crunchy: Oh, my boat. You overgrown sea monkey. I will get you for this, man. I will get you,
believe it.
Shaggy: No need to shout, man. You’ll be right next to her in a minute. … Well, Scoob, I’m just
sorry it had to end this way. [What way?] On an empty stomach.
Crunchy: Yo, check it out.
Daphne: It’s Sharky, here to rescue us.
Fred: Everybody up the ladder. I’ll hold off this water weirdo until you’re safe. … Thanks, Scoob.
You saved me.
Velma: How did you get away from the Motoshandu, Freddy?
Fred: I didn’t. When I got down there, it had disappeared without a trace. Then I got blindsided by
a huge group of sea turtles.
Velma: I think the pieces of this puzzle might fit together better if we knew more about these sea
Shaggy: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? … We’re going to Aqualand.
Velma: Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, Professor Ravenmane.
Mora: It’s no trouble at all, Velma, and call me Mora.
Shaggy: I guess we’re too late for the show, huh, Mora?
Mora: Aqualand is much more than an ocean park, Shaggy. It’s a marine lab dedicated to
preserving all manner of endangered undersea life.
Daphne: Like the sea turtles we saw?
Mora: Exactly, we often nurse injured turtles like this one back to health.
Fred: He does look a little green around the gills.
Shaggy: Oh, I know just how he feels. That choppy sea made mince meat out of me.
Mora: Sea sick, Shaggy? I know just how you feel. I get sea sick, too. Why don’t you help yourself
to the Aqualand snack bar? A little something to settle the stomach always helps me.
Shaggy: I don’t know about you, Scoob, but a little food in my belly and my feet on dry land, and
I’m right as rain. [Me, too.]
Fred: Can you tell us anything about this Motoshandu, Professor?
Mora: I don’t have time for ridiculous myths and legends. Marine biology is serious work. Ocean
breeding grounds like Morokimi Reef are in terrible danger.
Daphne: Speaking of terrible danger, look!
Shaggy: Help! Like, the monster’s got us.
Mora: That’s no monster, Shaggy. That’s Becky, our trained Orca. She loves people.
Shaggy: I hope she doesn’t love us the same way I love onion rings.
Mora: She’s perfectly tame. Let me help you out of there.
Shaggy: I guess the sushi’s on the other foot.
Velma: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Daphne: That Mora’s hairstyle is all wrong for her face?
Velma: That, too, but no. We’re going to have to go back to Morokimi Reef for a closer look at
those turtles.
Fred: Hello. Sharky? Anybody here?
Daphne: What a mess!
Velma: This is all waterlogged nautical gear. What’s a pilot doing with…
Shaggy: Like, stuff from Crunchy’s boat? Good question.
Sharky-tazo: I…I can explain. This is all salvage.
Daphne: Look, Crunchy’s hat. But he had this on when we were rescued. How did it end up back
in the water?
Fred: He must have gone back.
Shaggy: If he went back out there with that monster, he’s crazier than this hat.
Fred: Come on, gang. Let’s check it out.
Daphne: Looks like nobody’s home.
Shaggy: Doesn’t like anyone ever work on this island?
Fred: Hey, kickin’ [good] home theater. Check out how clear the DVD picture is on this flat
plasma screen.
Daphne: Looks like Crunchy has fish on the brain. He must have shot this through the bottom of
his boat.
Velma: Speaking of boats, it looks like one is missing.
Fred: Do you think Crunchy went after Motoshandu in that little dinghy?
Shaggy: If he did, he’s a little dingie [a bit crazy].
Daphne: We have to find him before he becomes a bite sized morsel for that king-sized monster.
… It sure was nice of Mora Ravenmane and her staff to loan us all this high-tech equipment. She
even had prescription lens goggles for me.
Shaggy: Like, too bad she was too busy to come along.
Velma: Hmm, I wonder what would keep a marine biologist away from a huge discovery like a sea
Shaggy: Self-preservation? She’s a smart lady—she even cured my sea sickness. See?
Fred: Don’t panic. It can’t get us here in the boat.
Shaggy: OK, now we can panic.
Shaggy: No boat, no radio, no Scooby snacks! We’re sunk!
Fred: Quick, gang, scramble into the scuba gear.
Velma: I bet we’ll get to the bottom of this mystery at the bottom of the ocean.
Shaggy: Go down there with that sickening sea snake? No way!
Daphne: Then you two can wait for us here, all alone.
Shaggy: Oh, no, Daphne, we’ll be just fine up here. … Like, going down. Next stop, ocean floor.
… Are you reading me, Scoob. I’m getting some funky static. … That’s better. Hey, like, what’s
that? … Oh, no, Scoob, here it comes again.
Velma: What are you two chickens of the sea doing down here?
Shaggy: Velma, we thought you were the monster. You sound just like her.
Daphne: Hey, check out the cool scuba bikes we scavenged from the shipwreck.
Fred: While you’re at it, check this out.
Daphne: Jeepers, a graveyard of wrecked ships.
Shaggy: Why graveyard? Why not junkyard of wrecked ships, or parking lot of wrecked ships?
Fred: Now, it’s all very simple. When Motoshandu comes through this gap in the reef, at Velma’s
signal, Daphne and I will use the jets from the scuba bikes to topple these precariously balanced
hulks. As soon as green, gilled, and gory swims through that gap: Timber!
Shaggy: I’m seriously thinking about having “live bait” taken off my resume. [Me, too.]
Velma: Jinkies, my goggles. … Scooby, can you help me find my prescription goggles?
Fred: Daphne, now!
Shaggy: Come on, Scoob, we can hide in here. … Hold on, Scoob. … We made it, Scoob, we’re
safe. Faster, Scoob, faster. Paddle! … Like, thanks, Daph.
Daphne: I’ve heard of monster waves before, but this is ridiculous.
Shaggy: Wipeout!
Fred: You made it!
Stinkeye: Girl, you shred that wave like an islander. That was a seriously hairy ride.
Daphne: Not as hairy as Motoshandu’s.
Shaggy: Holy mackerel. Get it, Scoob? [I get it.]
Fred: Hey, look. The outer layer of the creature is made of rubber.
Velma: Right. Inside is a miniature submarine with the same kind of propulsion as our scuba bikes.
That’s why it made the same noise.
All: Crunchy?
Shaggy: OK, I got about as far as the monster is a mini-sub before you like totally lost me.
Velma: It’s simple. Crunchy is an ecology extremist. He wanted to protect the turtle’s mating
grounds, and he used the monster to do it.
Shaggy: Hey, I thought Professor Ravenmane was the big turtle lover.
Mora: I am. But no legitimate member of the conservation community would condone this
dangerous and irresponsible behavior.
Fred: Besides, we knew that Mora couldn’t be the monster; she gets sea sick.
Shaggy: But he was on the glass bottom boat with us when the monster attacked.
Velma: There was no attack, Shaggy. There wasn’t even a glass bottom. It was really a flat screen
TV bottom boat. That DVD we watched wasn’t just similar to what we saw on the boat; it was
exactly what we saw. A CGI monster shows up a minute later.
Fred: He used the video to scare away tourists.
Velma: The name tag on Crunchy’s life vest said “Charles Granville”—that’s Crunchy’s real name.
Daphne: And we’re staying at the Granville Resort. He’s no beach comber, and no monster either.
Crunchy: And if it weren’t for you meddling mainlanders, I would have gotten away with it, too.
Daphne: I’m so glad that the Aqualand team is going to clean up the reef.
Shaggy: Me, too. And I’m glad we can finally have some non-monster fun in the sun.
Fred: I’m going hydroplaning and water-skiing. Hey, who are you?
Man: We’re the Keenan family. And as of five minutes ago, this became our timeshare. Who are
Shaggy: Like a bunch of kids who are about to have their relaxing vacation on the plane ride
Velma: Home sounds great to me. And it looks like Scooby’s ready to go, too.

What’s New Scooby Doo, “A Block Long Hong Kong Horror” (2005)
Fred: Well, Paris was exciting, but Hong Kong really knows how to celebrate New Years.
Shaggy: Like, yeah.
Daphne: Cheer up, Shaggy. Enjoy the parade.
Shaggy: How can I when my favorite bathtub pal, Duckguy, was totaled [destroyed or damaged]
by my battleship. Like, he can’t even say “quack” anymore. [Quack.] Thanks, Scoob, but it’s just
not the same.
Velma: Don’t worry, Shaggy. We’ll get Duckguy fixed. The Ling Toy Company where he was
made is right here in Hong Kong.
Shaggy: Hear that, Duckguy? We’re in your hometown.
Daphne: Look, there’s even one of their stores.
Shaggy: Hey, check that, Scoob. A candy ring worth one million bucks. Like any candy aged 500
years has got to be primo [very] tasty. [Yummy.]
Daphne: Jeepers. What a beautiful dragon.
Fred: Everybody, dive!
Velma: Jinkies, the candy ring is gone.
Detective Kang: I’m Detective Kang, did you kids see that dragon?
Velma: Our friend was standing right near its face.
Shaggy: It gives new meaning to the term “dragon breath.”
Det. Kang: Finally, a case that will stop them laughing and put me on the crime-solving map.
Velma: Who’s laughing?
Det. Kang: Who isn’t? Caught in his own handcuffs Kang. Swallowed the evidence Kang. Well,
now I’m going to be the dragon hunter of Hong Kong Kang. Out of my way; I’m going to catch a
Fred: Well, we’re going to the Ling Toy Company.
Shaggy: We are?
Fred: We now have a live mystery on our hands, and a dead duck.
Daphne: For a modern city, Hong Kong sure has some eerie streets.
Fred: Well, you’re safe with me. I’m reading this book on ju-jitsu. I think it’s like karate but with a
lot more yelling.
Velma: Shaggy, you’re not afraid of your own shadow?
Shaggy: Like that shadow wasn’t my shadow. … We’re here to save Duckguy. Who’s in charge?
Harold Ling: I’m the owner, Harold Ling.
Shaggy: He’s met with a tub-related emergency. Will he pull through?
Ling: I’m afraid not.
Shaggy: You mean Duckguy’s done for?
Ling: I’d like to help you, but I’ve got some big problems of my own right now. One of my stores
was broken into.
Velma: We know, we were there.
Ling: You were? Was the candy ring stolen?
Velma: I’m afraid it was.
Ling: That was my prized possession. That candy ring belonged to the little Ming Emperor five
hundred years ago.
Fred: Do you have any enemies who would do that?
Ling: As a matter of fact, the man who created that duck. He was once a child genius: Louis Hong
Fa. But now, I think he’s out to get me.
Daphne: Why would he do that?
Ling: Because I fired him, but I had no choice. He went loony [crazy], creating only toys that…
well, see for yourself.
Fred: Wow, that is big.
Ling: Too big. The only toys Louis made lately were these giant mutants. Who would want that?
Velma: Every kid I know. [Yeah, and dog.]
Ling: But not one parent. Can you imagine what their house would be like? … I’d better get a
Velma: W.H.12, I wonder what that means?
Shaggy: Help us! … Thanks.
Daphne: Looks like you guys have a guardian angel.
Shaggy: Like two demolishing dragon sightings is two too many.
Ling: I’ve been cursed by a bad luck dragon. My shop and ring, now my company. I’ve only got
one store left.
Velma: It could be in danger. Where is it?
Ling: The Mall at Victoria Peak, up the 800-foot escalator.
Daphne: Mall?
Ling: But it’s closed. Nobody’s up there to watch my store.
Fred: Come on, gang. We’re going for an escalator ride.
Velma: We’re headed for the highest point in Hong Kong.
Shaggy: Let us know when this thing lands.
Daphne: Couldn’t we come back during the day? What could be creepier than a mall where you
can’t go shopping?
Shaggy: That could be creepier. Race you to the escalator.
Mei: Hello, again.
Shaggy: Like, Hi. We kind of expected this place to be closed.
Mei: Then why are you here?
Velma: Because of the attacks on Harold Ling. We’re checking on his store.
Mei: Harold Ling is my father. I’m Mei Ling.
Daphne: So that explains why you were at his company to save Shaggy and Scooby.
Mei: It was my pleasure.
Daphne: Why the glittery masks and outfits?
Mei: We perform for the New Years festivities. This is my team and my partner, Woo. Woo doesn’t
say much, but he’s the best team leader in China. Please don’t let my father know that we’re
practicing here.
Velma: Why not?
Mei: My dream was to travel with the acrobats all over the world, but my father insisted I stay here
and take care of his store. Things have gone badly since Louis, his toymaker, was fired.
Velma: Do you think he’d want to pay your father back for that?
Mei: I hope not.
Shaggy: I hope not, too. That’s who made my old bathtub pal, Duckguy.
Mei: What a coincidence. My old bathtub pal, Duckgirl.
Shaggy: Like, who would think, thousands of miles apart.
Fred: Do you know where we’d find this Louis?
Mei: His workshop’s somewhere in the warehouse district.
Velma: W.H.12. That could be warehouse 12.
Fred: There’s a dragon on the loose. It might be dangerous to stay here.
Mei: I’m not worried. Bye, Shaggy.
Shaggy: Like, bye.
Daphne: Mei Ling’s father fizzled her acrobatic dream. Do you think she’d want to hurt his
Shaggy: No way, she seemed so nice, and she saved me. [Me, too.]
Velma: Here’s number twelve. I hope my hunch was right.
Fred: Hello, anybody here? Let’s be very careful and not touch anything. Hey, check this out.
Panda: Help, meddling kids, they’re on my trail. Had to flee. Meet me at King’s Road and
Waterfront. Look for stripes. Oh, and don’t step in any loops.
Fred: What did he mean by loops?
Det. Kang: Aha, caught you now. Oh, I thought I had that dragon.
Daphne: Well, you don’t.
Det. Kang: I know I’m close. I’m on its trail. What are you kids doing here?
Velma: At the moment, listening to blood rushing through our heads.
Det. Kang: Well, I’m warning you, stay out of my way.
Fred: We’ll try.
Det. Kang: They laughed when I went after the glowing energy beast and the protoplasmic plasma
Velma: Sounds like we travel in similar circles.
Det. Kang: But who’s going to be laughing now? Me.
Velma: Detective Kang, aren’t you forgetting something?
Det. Kang: Oh, right.
Fred: I’ve got to remember this for a future trap.
Shaggy: If this is King’s Road, I’d hate to see Bum’s Boulevard. … Yikes, stripes.
Louis: Please, forgive the disguises. I make them myself so no one will recognize me.
Fred: I still don’t recognize you.
Louis: Oh, I’m Louis Hong Fa, the toy inventor.
Shaggy: The creator of Duckguy? Man, you’re my hero.
Louis: I know, I’ve been following you. I need help. Mr. Ling has blamed me for the ring robbery
and the dragon attacks.
Velma: He thinks you might be out for revenge.
Louis: But I’m not. There’s a real live dragon at large. You got to believe me. Nobody else will.
Shaggy: You brought the world Duckguy. I believe you. [Me, too.]
Louis: I need somebody to help prove I’m innocent. If you try, I’ll make your Duckguy as good as
Shaggy: Could you get him to say Quack again?
Louis: In seven languages. Mr. Ling himself might have something to do with the dragon attacks.
Daphne: But they’ve all been on his own property.
Louis: I bet the sampan boat he lives on hasn’t been touched.
Velma: It’s worth finding out.
Fred: We’ll split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you take Duckguy back for repairs. We’ll meet you at the
Shaggy: Hear that, Duckguy? Pretty soon it’ll be you and me in the bathtub again playing Marco
Daphne: According to the Dockmaster, this is Mr. Ling’s boat.
Velma: Mr. Ling, are you home?
Fred: I thought Mr. Ling didn’t know what to do with those gigantic mutant toys.
Daphne: He’s got a website selling gigantic mutant toys.
Velma: If he’s planning to sell huge toys, a huge dragon would sure get people’s attention.
Louis: I’ll get my duck drill. We’ll have him up and waddling in no time.
Shaggy: I hope so. I can’t take a bath without Duckguy. And we’re all staying in one room. … This
spooky place just seemed to get spookier. [Yeah, spooky.]
Fred: Shaggy, Scooby? They should be here by now.
Velma: Something doesn’t seem right, including this gold stuff.
Fred: Run for that alley. … That stopped it.
Daphne: We’ve got to find Shaggy and Scooby.
Velma: This was on the floor. Gold glitter. I think I know where they might be.
Daphne: Shaggy, Scooby, are you OK?
Shaggy: We will be if we can just get to those kumquats.
Velma: Seems like the kidnapping might have something to do with Mei Ling.
Shaggy: Why would she want us out of the way?
Velma: Could be so that she’s free to go with her team when her father’s businesses are out of
Shaggy: But this one’s OK. … But not for long. … Mei Ling. She saved us again.
Velma: The dragon always seems to go away before she shows up.
Det. Kang: Where, where is it? Show me the dragon.
Fred: It’s gone now.
Det. Kang: But not for long. That dragon’s going to take a fall; there won’t be any laughs at all
when it’s hanging on my wall.
Velma: I’m beginning to get why they were laughing.
Daphne: He sure got here quickly.
Velma: There’s something in Scooby’s paws. I didn’t know dragons had fur. And this fur looks
Shaggy: Mei Ling saved us; we’ve got to save her.
Daphne: But how?
Fred: Well, the only connection seems to be the attacks on Ling’s company.
Shaggy: How about Scooby and me; everywhere we go, that dragon bashes.
Daphne: You’re right. Ling’s boat wasn’t touched. But the dragon trashed the warehouse where
Shaggy and Scooby were.
Velma: In fact, all of the attacks have been places where Shaggy and Scooby were.
Shaggy: We not only have to save Mei Ling, we have to save us.
Fred: Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. Remember that respected old saying: Fight dragon with duck?
… Yeah, well, just go with me [agree with] on this one. The first thing we’ll need is Duckguy.
Shaggy: Duckguy?
Fred: Duckguy is now twenty feet tall and amour protected. Webbed feet are treated for vertical
climbing, hollowed out to accommodate a tank-like cabin. Four-wheel drive, cup holder, and his
bill is able to shoot powerful fire hose streams.
Shaggy: But can he float?
Fred: Like a duck. And now for Plan A, part two.
Shaggy: We’ve been live bait before, Scoob, but it takes a heck of a lot of Scooby snacks to be
dragon live bait. [Yeah, sure does.]
Fred: Time to un-dragon this dragon.
Daphne: Look.
Velma: Shaggy, think back to the last parade.
Shaggy: He stole the Ling Ming ring.
Velma: And he had help. [The acrobats.] And I bet they’re not in there alone.
Shaggy: Mei Ling, are you OK?
Mei: They stuck me here, so I’d stop saving you.
Velma: Woo thought Shaggy could ID him, so he used the dragon to scare him away.
Mei: Watch out!
Fred: Not so fast. I’m learning ju-jitsu. … I knew that book would protect us.
Shaggy: So, you kidnapped me and Scoob to take us out of the dragon’s way?
Mei: You kept getting into trouble; I didn’t want you hurt.
Shaggy: Like that’s another thing we have in common. What about Duckguy? Bath time will never
be the same.
Mei: Shaggy, please take Duckgirl. I know we’ll see each other again some day.
Shaggy: Like I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. For Duckguy, too.
Fred: Not so fast. He’s still wearing the Ling Ming candy ring.

Beavis and Butthead, “Way Down Mexico Way” (1993)
Butthead: (sings) Pass the Old El Crasso…. Hey, Beavis—pass the Old El Crasso…
Beavis: Change it, dude.
VJ: Hey guys, welcome back to Video Wonderland.
Beavis: This guy’s a chode [slang: penis] smoker.
Butthead: They all are.
VJ: And here’s a classic that you definitely won’t hear on Mexican radio: Wall of Voodoo’s [rock
band name] “Mexican Radio” [song title].
Beavis: It’s a message, dude.
Butthead: A sign from our master.
Beavis: Thanks for taking us to Mexico, Dave.
Dave: This ride ain’t free, boys. Remember, I got business down there, and you’re part of the
“management team.”
Butthead: This is cool.
Dave: You boys ever been to Mexico before? … Well, there ain’t no law down there; it’s every
man for himself. They take no prisoners…well, actually, they take a few, and they torture them.
Butthead: Cool.
Dave: Yeah, they don’t care what you do, until you cross them [make them angry]. It’s a whole
different world down there.
Butthead: We can buy fireworks, right? Like M-80s [type of firework which is illegal in the US]
and stuff?
Dave: Fireworks, guns, white slaves, endangered species…hell, they got everything down there.
Beavis: Did he say fireworks?
Dave: We’re almost there.
Beavis: Cool.
Dave: OK, we’ll meet back here in five hours.
Beavis: Let’s go get some M-80s.
Butthead: Cool. ….
Butthead: These people are stupid.
Butthead: Two tacos.
Vendor: Uno.
Beavis: He wants a buck [dollar].
Butthead: Why didn’t he say so?
Butthead: Here, doggie. Here, boy. Here you go. Here, doggie.
Beavis: Go for it.
Butthead: Pass the Old El Crasso.
Beavis and Butthead: Water!
Vendor: Tenemos agua eje lente en México!
Beavis: Hey, Butthead.
Butthead: Yeah? Cool, dude. Check this out. Mexico is cool.
Beavis: This might be good. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Butthead: It’s like, you can say what you like about Maiden [Iron Maiden: UK heavy metal band],
but when it comes to making videos, they don’t screw around.
Beavis: Yeah, like even if Maiden did Unplugged [MTV program in which bands play acoustic
instead of electric instruments], I bet they’d still have explosions.
Butthead: Yeah, they’d be like, we’re not going to unplug the explosion machine, dude. That’s
what got us here [that explains our success]. …. Hell is from here to eternity?
Beavis: Wait a minute. That can’ be true, Butthead, if like Hell was really like from here to
eternity, that’d mean like hell was everywhere, so like, everywhere is hell, so if you say like to
somebody, go to hell, you’re just like really saying, stay right here, you know what I’m saying? It’s
like hell is from…
Butthead: Go to hell, Beavis.
Beavis: OK, no problem. I’ll stay right here.
Butthead: No, I mean, just shut up. It’s like, every time you try to figure something out, it’s just
like, stupid.
Beavis: I understand.
Butthead: We can’t leave Mexico without fireworks, dude.
Beavis: Check it out.
Butthead: Cool. … That game was cool.
Dave: Come on, get in. Now it’s time for you guys to earn your keep. Look in the glove box.
Butthead: Oh, no. Dave’s going to buf us [slang: buf = butt fuck].
Dave: Time to fill them, boys.
Beavis: I can’t fill that.
Dave: With these, dork [idiot].
Beavis: Pills, cool.
Dave: All this stuff’s legal in Mexico and it’s cheap, too, if you know the right people. Border’s
[US-Mexico border] coming up; better swallow those rubbers [condoms], boys. Make sure to tie
them a couple of times; it’s a rough ride through the digestive tract. You boys did remember to tie
off those condoms before you swallowed them, right?
Border guard: You boys got some identification? ID—you got ID?
Border guard: Get out of the car, all of you. So, you thought you’d come down to Mexico and pick
up a couple of immigrants? Smuggle some illegals in, huh? Is that your game?
Dave: These guys live in my town; they’re Americans.
Border guard: What’s the capital of Texas, son? I said, what’s the capital of Texas?
Dave: It’s Austin, man.
Second border guard: Let them go. They’re obviously Americans. Mexicans know the capital of
Texas is Austin. Mexicans would care that they’re being interrogated by the border patrol. Those
two are as American as they come. God bless America.
Butthead: What if you lit one of these in Dave’s butt? That would be cool.
Beavis: Peckerwood.
Butthead: I can’t believe he made us walk back from the border. Mexico sucks.

Beavis and Butthead, “Womyn” (1995)
TA: Well, class, this will be my last day as your teaching assistant. I just wanted to say a few
words of goodbye to the young women here. This has been the most depressing experience of my
career. I have never encountered a more sexist classroom; I pity you, and I fear for your futures.
That is why I am urging all of you young females to join the sisters of the Highland Society for
Womyn. We will be meeting at the community center to discuss our plans to picket Cineplex 5,
which continues to debase womenkind by promoting films featuring actresses with breast
Beavis: Hey, Butthead. I think that chick [slang: woman] up there wants us [desires us sexually].
Butthead: Yeah, probably.
TA: ….the chance to meet feminist leaders, the kind of inspiring women who refuse to prostitute
Butthead: Whoa! Prostitutes. Those are like those chicks that do it [sexual intercourse] for money.
Beavis: That would be cool.
Butthead: Hey, does that mean they do it for money?
TA: No, these women offer their services to the community strictly for free.
Butthead: We’re there, dude.
Speaker: And that is why we’re also beginning a grassroots campaign to change the spelling of the
word woman to W-O-M-Y-N. We’re not just men plus two little letters anymore.
Beavis: Hey, Butthead, isn’t that sign spelled wrong?
Butthead: Cool, stupid chicks really put out [are sexually active].
Worker: Welcome to the Highland Society for Womyn. Would you like to sign our mailing list?
Beavis: Hey, did you know your sign is spelled wrong? … Whoa, look how many chicks there are,
Butthead: That’s cool. I didn’t know this town had so many sluts.
Speaker: I’d like to open the second half of tonight’s meeting of the Highland Society for Womyn
by welcoming two important new groups: the first is the Highland Sisterhood for Militant
Feminism; the second is two young non-women who have joined us from Highland High [high
school]. It is encouraging to all of us that you have decided to mend your ways and join us in the
fight against the patriarchy [rule of men].
Beavis: Hey, Butthead, I think they want us.
Butthead: Yeah, we’re going to score [have sex].
Beavis: Hey, Butthead, if these chicks like do it for free, then how come there aren’t any other
guys here?
Butthead: Damn it, Beavis, we’ve got a room full of chicks here who do it for free and all you can
think about is why there aren’t more guys here?
Beavis: Yeah, how come?
Butthead: Beavis, I’m a little disappointed in you. … Whoa, so, you chicks want to like get it on
[have sex] or something?
Woman: We prefer to be referred to as womyn.
Butthead: So, do you womyn want to get it on?
Woman: Jerk!
Beavis: Wussy! You can’t even score with chicks that do it for free.
Butthead: No way, butthole. They were just playing hard to get. It’s supposed to like turn us on and
Beavis: Oh, yeah…it’s working. Hey, Butthead, check them out.
Butthead: I am drawn to them, as if by a power greater than my wiener [slang: penis].
Beavis: Women right now! Women right now! So, do you want to do it? Hey, Butthead, what the
hell is going on?
Butthead: Damn it, Beavis. If you want to score, you’ve got to be smooth. Dumb ass! … Hey,
Beavis: Hey, baby—where are you?
Women: Come on, girls, kick them in the nads [genitals].
TV announcer: And as I stand at the scene of the brutal beating of two sex-crazed teenagers, I can
only thank God that these brave feminists have finally realized that the only way to deal with male
chauvinism is by fanatical violence.
Beavis: Yeah, violence! Violence!
Butthead: Hey, Beavis, when those chicks were kicking me, I like, touched their thingies [breasts].
Beavis: Yeah, me, too. And like one of them touched my nads with her fist—it hurt, but it was still
pretty cool.
Butthead: Yeah, we got to go back. Next time I’m going to touch their butt.

Beavis and Butthead, “No Laughing” (1993)
Spanish teacher: Bueno. Recuerdan, por favor. Siempre contestan en Espanol. Bueno, Sr.
Butthead, Como es Juan?
Butthead: Uhhhh, burritos?
Spanish teacher: No, no, no; Como es Juan? Como es Juan?
Butthead: Guacamole.
Spanish teacher: No, no, Sr. Beavis, Como es Juan?
Beavis: Uhhh, spaghetti.
Spanish teacher: Spaghetti? That’s Italian, you moron. Damn it, you idiots have been in this class
for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell,
and Beavis can’t even get that right. I’m going to give you little bastards just ten seconds to come
up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can’t, you’re both going to the principal’s office and
you’re both flunking. Well, I’m waiting.
Butthead: …..
Spanish teacher: Principal’s office, now!
Beavis: Taco Supreme.
Spanish teacher: Get out, now!
Butthead: What the hell is this crap? … Mine has more bumps. … Hey, Beavis, this guy sounds
like you.
Beavis: Shut up, fart-knocker.
Butthead: That dude’s wearing a Yamaha [mistake for yarmulke].
Beavis: He is a loser.
Butthead: This guy sucks. … That was cool. … These guys got no future.
Beavis: Check it out, it’s Corky.
Butthead: Push this. … Whoa! She said, “Uh.” … I’m already up.
Beavis: Is this a commercial?
Butthead: Yeah, it’s a commercial for MTV’s House of Butt.
Beavis: She sings better than Cindy Crawford.
Butthead: Yeah, it’s high noon on my sundial. … I like music.
Beavis: She said, “cream.”
Butthead: Excuse me, Beavis, I have to go spank my monkey [masturbate].
Butthead: Whoa, that was cool. It really does happen.
Teacher: OK, Armstrong. [Here.] Armigo. [Present.] Bocka. [Yo.] Buttkiss. [Here.] Damn it,
what’s wrong with you two? We’ve been in school over seven months now, and every single day
when I call Daniel Buttkiss’ name, you guys have to laugh. Is it really still that funny? Doesn’t it
ever get old? Are you going to laugh for the rest of your lives every time someone says the name
Buttkiss? That does it, principal’s office now!
Biology teacher: Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they all have
the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. So, all
sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and…
Butthead: She said, “sperm.”
Biology teacher: …depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg…I said, depending on which
sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female—shut up! MacVicar’s office
Butthead: Yes! The Butthole Surfers. … Look! It’s Flea. … Animation is cool. … Butthole Surfers
kick ass!
MacVicar: Oh, you guy’s think this is funny? You’ve been to four classes today and you’ve been
sent here four times. And this laughing thing…what the hell’s with this laughing thing? All the
teachers are sick of it. Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he’s completely given up on trying
to teach your class about the Gay ’90s. See, see! Now, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You
are both suspended for a week.
Butthead: Uhhh, what’s that mean?
MacVicar: It means that I don’t want to see you anywhere near the school for a whole week. …
Shut up! Forget it. No, no, you’re not suspended. No, I’ve got a better idea. Yeah, I’m going to get
you guys this time.
Butthead: These guys are cool. … These guys are cool because they can jump around real slow.
That would be cool if we could go to the forest and hang out with these guys.
Beavis: We could like dance in the forest and be cool.
Butthead: Whoa, is this like the Weather Channel?
Beavis: Yeah, the forecast is partially cool. … Gardenia…. These guys are good dancers.
Butthead: I wish I was more like them.
Mr. Buzzcut: So, Beavis and Butthead. I understand that Mr. MacVicar has made a little
arrangement with you guys…yeah, a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butthead here are
not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That’s right, and if they do laugh, they’ll be expelled, and
they’ll have to go to Hope High School, where they’ll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all
the other delinquents…hah… Well, I was real glad to hear that because this is “Sex Education
Week.” That’s right, sex ed week. We’re going to be talking about the penis! We’ll be talking about
the vagina! Do you think that’s funny, Butthead? Do you find it amusing that we’ll be talking
about the testicles? Yes, we’re also going to be talking about venereal disease, sexual intercourse,
and we’ll definitely be spending a lot of time talking about masturbation! Well, now that that’s out
of the way, let’s take roll. Buttkiss! [Here.] Gaylord!
Butthead: He said, “penis.”
Beavis: Yeah, and then he said, “masturbation.”
Butthead: Then he said, “vagina.” That was cool. … Is this that show about that deaf lawyer? Hey,
Beavis, I’d like to make a motion.
Beavis: Me, too.
Butthead: This is the one where they sing in court.
Beavis: No way, this is the one where they sing in that locker room.
Butthead: That’s the same show, dumb-ass. There only was one show.
Beavis: Yeah, but it was cool.
Butthead: No sax in court. … The prostitution rests.
Beavis: Change it, change it, quick.
Butthead: Whoa, that fish has a face on its butt. … I wish I had a face on my butt. You could blow
your nose on your underwear.
Beavis: Yeah, you wouldn’t need a hanky.
Butthead: We should start a band and call it “Butthead Butthead.”
Beavis: Yeah, “Beavis Beavis.” … That guy’s one of those Transformers.
Butthead: This court is now in session.
Beavis: I know you’ve been sworn, sir, and I have read your complaint.
Butthead: My turn to be the judge, ass-wipe. … OK, this court is now in session. How do you
plead to these charge of…
Beavis: … trespassing.
Butthead: Oh, yeah, trespassing, and buzzing around and getting in my face and stuff? How do you
plead to these charges against you?
Beavis: The defense rests.
Butthead: I hereby sentence the defendant to death by…saw off its tweeter. [Breakin’ the law…]
Beavis: Now this is what death rock is all about.
Butthead: Drums, guitars, and death. They finally got it right.
Beavis: Now all it needs is some fire. Fire!...
Butthead: Shut up, Beavis, I’m trying to listen. … That guy’s pissed [slang: angry].

Duckman, “Not So Easy Rider” (1994)
To be sent later.

Duckman, “Psyche” (1994)
Duckman: Oh my God! I didn’t mean to. I’ve soiled the centerfold. Ruined, Cornfed, the work of
all those dedicated professionals coming together to capture a natural woman at an unguarded
Cornfed: Interesting use of a spatula.
Duckman: Ah, she’s perfect, Corny. Can you imagine having a woman like that?
Cornfed: They’re overrated, Duckman. I dated a model once.
Duckman: You’re kidding! Lingerie?
Cornfed: Corrective footwear. But they’re all the same. The look promises finding hard-to-find
birthmarks in a hot bubble bath, but all you get is a slap in the face and a cold shower.
Duckman: How hard a slap?
Cornfed: The letters are a hoot [funny] though. I’m constantly amazed that some pathetic loser is
so desperate that he’d write a publication like this for advice.
Duckman: Yeah, can you believe it?
Cornfed: Look at this one: “Dear Editor, I can’t get a date and I don’t know why. I’m so hard up
that I’ve started collecting Swedish magazines, nude volleyball videos, and inflatable meter maid
dolls. Any advice? Signed: A middle-aged duck detective.” .… I wonder where I put that stapler.
Duckman: Wait a minute—you think that’s me? There must be a million middle-aged duck
detectives out there. This is just one of those crazy coincidences.
Doll: Red zone—you’ve been bad boy!
Duckman: The things the former owners left in these closets. OK, so I’ve been a little inactive
since, you know, Beatrice died. I’ve been wanting to jump back in [start dating again] lately, but
women just haven’t been responding. But it’s a big world, Corny; there’s a lot of possibilities out
there. It’s only a matter of time before good luck’s going to come my way.
Nurse: Whoops! Wrong thermometer, isn’t it [i.e., rectal instead of oral]?
Duckman: What the hell’s going on? Where am I? And what the hell happened to my voice?
Doctor: You can’t talk, so I installed Mr. Tracheotomy. It must be on the wrong setting.
Duckman: Well, I don’t give a flying leap through a rolling doughnut what you installed or what
setting it’s on—I just want my own damn voice back!
Doctor: You know, while I’m fixing your bill, I could make some adjustments. Judging by your X-
rays, it is a tad on the small side.
Duckman: Small? I’ve seen plenty of guys with smaller bills than me, not that, you know, I look at
other guys’ bills.
Doctor: Suit yourself, I’m sure there are women who respond to a smaller bill. As soon as we get
the OK from your insurance company, we’ll get you fixed right up.
Chef: Gumbo and Insurance. Was the thermos full or empty? No, not covered.
Woman: Get off me, sphincter face!
Duckman: Cornfed, do you think I’m attractive?
Cornfed: Sorry, Duckman, I don’t date people I work with.
Duckman: No, Spam for brains, do you think there’s anything wrong with my bill?
Cornfed: You mean the fact that it curves to one side, the nostrils don’t match, it’s covered with
nicotine stains, acne scars, varicose veins, and it whistles when you chew? I mean, no, nothing I
can see.
Ajax: Hey, dad, you’re home late.
Duckman: Homely? My own flesh and blood calls me homely? You know how it makes me feel?
It makes me feel the way you must have felt when the other kids voted you the ugliest kid in your
class. I can’t believe you’d call me homely.
Ajax: Actually, dad, I said you were home late.
Duckman: Oh, you know I think that Blevins kid is uglier than you.
Ajax: Thanks, dad.
Duckman: Hey, kids, let me ask you something. Do you think your old man’s attractive?
Duckman: Bernice, I want your honest opinion. Do you think I’m attractive?
Bernice: I can answer that, but that would mean having to look at you.
Duckman: I need some air.
Dr. Levine: Are you insecure about your looks?
Duckman: Why would I be insecure about my looks?
Dr. Levine: So you’re defensive?
Duckman: Maybe a little.
Dr. Levine: Do your friends think you’re ugly?
Duckman: Yep.
Dr. Levine: How about your family?
Duckman: Check.
Dr. Levine: Co-workers?
Duckman: Affirmative.
Dr. Levine: Blind people?
Duckman: Uh-huh.
Dr. Levine: Sideshow freaks?
Duckman: And how.
Dr. Levine: People whose faces have been mangled in industrial accidents?
Duckman: Bingo.
Dr. Levine: That’s because you are, and nobody likes ugly people, not in our society, not in any
society. So, there’s only one thing to do—take your own life. No, I’m kidding. Now there’s a cure
for ugliness. Through the magic of cosmetic surgery, I can help you become the beautiful person
you deserve to be. Come on in for a fanny [buttocks] tuck, a chin cleft, maybe even a bill
extension. And don’t wait too long; no one wants to be old and ugly. Mention this ad and get ten
minutes of free liposuction. … Hi, I’m Dr. Levine. You must be Duckman.
Duckman: Doc, can you help me?
Dr. Levine: Oh, of course I can. Put this bag on your head and pray it doesn’t blow off. Just
kidding! Step into my office. Mr. Duckman, one look and I can see why you’re here—pec
[muscles of the chest] implants. Those massive eye wrinkles? Butt lift? That unsightly flab around
Duckman: I want a bill job!
Dr. Levine: Had to be, the rest is perfect. Shot in the dark [guess]—kind of guy who wants to see
the most expensive models, right? This first one’s the “Airstream”—tends to flap a little but it is
heat resistant and doubles as a lawn chair for outdoor sporting events. The “Longfellow”—real
Corinthian leather, easy to patch, we recommend dry cleaning after Italian dinners. Oh, uh, and of
course there is the “Magnum” but between you and me I’m afraid it’s more than most people can
handle, what with all those beautiful women wanting to fondle it in public places and such.
Duckman: I can handle it—give me the Magnum. Please…
Dr. Levine: Oh, this is just a contract, with a little paragraph saying the bill may cause cancer,
kidney failure, blindness, deafness, and dandruff.
Duckman: Dandruff?
Dr. Levine: Comes with a special low-cost shampoo.
Duckman: Sold! …. Good morning, Fluffy, Uranus, notice anything different?
Fluffy/Uranus: Did you get new glasses? Lose weight? Comb your hair?
Duckman: No, you little road apples, I got a new bill.
Fluffy/Uranus: Poor, misguided Mr. Duckman. You don’t need to mutilate your body just to meet
some vain standard of superficial attractiveness. We look past all that to see your inner beauty.
Duckman: Time to see your inner beauty.
Cornfed: Fine looking honker [bill], Duckman.
Duckman: You noticed, huh? I don’t know why I didn’t see it before, Corny. This is the reason I
haven’t been getting a second look from the babes. It’s what’s outside that counts—women are still
after the same darn thing.
Cornfed: Someone who leaves the toilet seat down?
Duckman: Looks. Like that stewardess you used to date. You two wouldn’t have been smacking
the sheets [having sex] if she thought you were a mud fence, am I right?
Cornfed: Actually, we never quite went all the way.
Duckman: What? You went with her for over a year. How far did you get?
Cornfed: She hugged me when we broke up.
What about the aerobics instructor? … the hairdresser? … golf instructor? … the heiress? … [?]
… synchronized swimmer? … the ice sculptor? … the ex-nun? … How about when you got
snowbound in that cabin with the nymphomaniac who wanted to get back at her parents?
Cornfed: Second base. There’s something you should know, Duckman. I’ve never told you
because I’m a little sensitive about it. I’m a virgin.
Duckman: A virgin? Unbelievable. You? No insky-outsky, no bofferino, never nailed the hammer
on the head [all slang terms for sex].
Cornfed: Ready to get on with your life now?
Duckman: Look, don’t worry about it. This is the new and improved Duckman. I’ll take you under
my wing, show you how it’s done, maybe even throw you a few leftovers—just stand back, watch
a master at the top of his game.
Fantine/Cassette: I’m Fantine, and I’m Cassette. We’ve been celibate for a year and we need you
to go out with us. Don’t worry, we’ll pay you. We can’t trust men; we’ve always had trouble
finding any who’ll appreciate us for more than our looks. No matter what we do, they just see us
as objects of their sexual fantasies, and we need to find out what we’re doing wrong. You have a
cookie crumb on your left breast. There’s a little piece of chocolate on yours.
Duckman: Come in, come in. I’m Duckman, and this is Hooters [slang: breasts], I mean Cornfed.
Sorry, just a little horny, tired, tired this morning, a little tired. Can we get you anything? A D-cup
of coffee? A cup of decaf [decaffeinated]?
Fantine/Cassette: We’re practically bursting to start dating again, but we’re afraid we’ll attract the
kind of man who made us stop in the first place. So we want you to investigate us, tell us how to
change before we attract someone we might regret. All you have to do is watch us closely, tell us
what we’re doing that makes men focus on our bodies rather than our minds. Oh, I dropped my
earring—there it is. We just want to be appreciated for the right things. You must know what it’s
like—people probably come on to you because of your bill. I’ll bet some people even ask if it’s
real. Don’t you hate that? The nerve. Well, off to give each other a full body hot oil massage. If
you’re interested in the case meet us at this address, say, sevenish [around seven o’clock]. Your
skirt is clinging. And you have some of those lint balls again.
Duckman: We, we can’t go.
Cornfed: I’m sorry, it must be the new bill. I thought you said we can’t go.
Duckman: I did. We’re knee-deep in [have a lot of] real cases. We can’t just drop our heavy
workload and go out on a date. … Well, you never know what’ll come up when we’re gone.
Cornfed: Duckman, we have to go. I need to learn how to awaken the sexual beast that lies
dormant in every woman’s soul, waiting to transform her into a lusting creature of unbridled
passion, pulling at me, tugging at me, yelling take me Cornfed, make me your love slave! You
know, that sort of thing.
Duckman: I said no, Cornfed. … Chicken…Virgin…
Look, I don’t want to hear another word about it—we’re not going, and that’s that. … Get these
things off of me.
Cornfed: Duckman, do you think the women will be able to know I’m not experienced?
Duckman: Oh, will you shut up! No one can tell by just looking.
Announcer: Next up on the first hole, Virgin plus three.
Fantine and Cassette: Hi, Corny. Hi, Duckman. We thought the burlap sacks would be a good idea.
Men always seem to respond to our outward appearance, so we didn’t want to dress like sex
Cornfed: Since we’ve been hired to observe your behavior, the concept of men always allowing
women to go first tends to reinforce the notion of helpless playthings.
Fantine and Cassette: He’s perceptive.
Cornfed: Mini-golf put me through dental school.
Fantine/Cassette: Duckman, I guess you’re next. Here, let me help steady your putter [type of golf
club, but here with a second meaning, also]. Oh, my chest is rubbing against your back. That
probably gets you thinking about our bodies again, doesn’t it? … Is it my turn? Oh, I’ve got a
cramp in my neck. Duckman, can you rub it for me?
Duckman: I can’t take it! Ahhhh! … Sorry about last night, I forgot all about that appointment with
my periodontist [dentist specializing in gum problems]. Miss anything?
Cornfed: We went back to their house.
Duckman: Their house? Details, give me details.
Cornfed: A-frame, two-and-a-half baths, exposed brick fireplace…
Duckman: No, you idiot, what happened?
Cornfed: We played Twister [popular American party game]—I lost. Beyond that, I am a
gentleman. If you’ll excuse me, I off to help Cassette and Fantine learn why men focus on their
bodies while the sponge wash their car in cut-offs.
Duckman: I need some air.
Mistress Nina: Thought cosmetic surgery was the answer, didn’t you? Well, it wasn’t, you
insignificant worm. If you want the real answer, come in and see me. I’ll teach your problems the
meaning of discipline. Mention his ad for two minutes of free body-piercing.
Duckman: No way, this time I’m not going to do something just because a commercial tells me to.
Mistress Nina: Yes, you are.
Mistress Nina: That’s all for today, Mr. Cooper. You’re making admirable progress. You, duck,
you’re next.
Duckman: I don’t know about this. It’s kind of hard telling my problems to a woman.
Mistress Nina: Don’t worry, I used to be a man. Here, lie down on this. Spill it [tell me about it];
this isn’t nap time.
Duckman: Well, I’ve been having some problems.
Mistress Nina: Just a second. OK, so you have some problems.
Duckman: With woman, actually.
Mistress Nina: You’re not sexually active?
Duckman: I’m very sexually active.
Mistress Nina: With another person.
Duckman: Oh, uh, no.
Mistress Nina: I know exactly what this calls for. You’re getting sleepy.
Duckman: No, I’m not.
Mistress Nina: Now?
Duckman: Not really. … Let’s try the watch again. … Where the hell am I?
Mistress Nina: You’re going into your psyche. Everyone’s psyche is like a house. Some have a
two-story colonial; others have a country cottage, depending on how your mind works. There’s
yours. … Wait! The psyche is very difficult to understand. Entering it can be an incredibly
complex procedure. … Of course, some are less complex than others. … Duckman, come back
Duckman: Looks like the honeymoon suite where Beatrice and I stayed. A little more tasteful,
Fantine/Cassette: Yoo-hoo, Duckie.
Duckman: Wow! There they are, just waiting for me, and I can’t do a thing about it. Hey, I don’t
have to be scared anymore, this is my fantasy. Incoming!
Fantine and Cassette: Gee, Duckman, we’re sorry. We didn’t plan for that to happen.
Duckman: That’s OK, don’t move. I’ll get a ladder, put on the tights, and be up there faster than
you can say three-way circus.
Fantine and Cassette: Not working, huh? I’d say the fantasy part of your psyche has been a little
overtaxed lately. I think she’s right. After all, we’ve had a little experience being in people’s
fantasies. And we’ve found that unfulfilled realities overtake the libidinous subconscious, the
disparity between the two manifests in a breakdown of the gestalt…no confidence. You’d better go
find it; you’re fantasy will never become reality until you get your confidence back.
Duckman: OK, couldn’t we try just one little somersault into my lap?
Mistress Nina: Maybe the trollops are right. Confidence is the third door on the left.
Ajax: Hey dad, guess who’s going to take care of you when you’re old? Me.
Guilt: Duckman, come on in. I’ll make you some soup.
Duckman: I don’t have time.
Guilt: Fine. Go, what do you care about anyone else? Play mini-golf with your floosies and just
leave me here to die.
Confidence: Don’t get her mad.
Duckman: Who said that?
Confidence: I did. I’m your confidence.
Duckman: You? But your puny, you’re scrawny, you’re pathetic! … Snappy dresser, though.
Guilt: You don’t want to know from him—he’s been beaten down by your guilt.
Duckman: What do you know about it?
Guilt: I’m your guilt! Did you think you could get away with dating those other girls behind your
wife’s back?
Duckman: But Beatrice has been dead for a year and a half.
Guilt: Maybe, but I’ll be with you for the rest of your life.
Confidence: Don’t worry, I’ll save you. … Or, I could just wait over here while you save yourself.
Beatrice: Duckman? I thought I heard you.
Duckman: Beatrice? Is it really you? Wow, you look great. Did you lose weight?
Beatrice: Well, I am dead. How are the kids?
Duckman: Fine, fine. Look, this guilt is killing me. Can’t you ease off just a little?
Beatrice: I’m not doing anything, sweetheart. This is your mind, remember?
Duckman: But the guilt is because of you. I haven’t, you know, seen anyone since you died. I
didn’t think you’d like it.
Beatrice: Duckman, thank you, but that isn’t any way to live your life. Remember staking out that
vendor at the parade the day you accidentally caused my death?
Duckman: One guilt at a time, OK?
Beatrice: Sorry. The point is that I wasn’t expecting anything to happen. But when your cigarette
punctured the Bullwinkle float and he started losing helium until his antler dipped into the clown
car and sent it crashing into Puff the Magic Dragon who bounced off Snoopy and knocked me into
an open manhole killing me, I realized that this could happen to anyone. You never know when it’s
your time, Duckman. You should do what makes you happy now.
Confidence: You should?
Beatrice: And you don’t have to change your bill to make you happy. I liked it better before—it
was more regal.
Confidence: Regal?
Beatrice: I loved you exactly the way you were. I’ll always be here; you’ll always remember. But
you have to move on—you’re the one who’s still alive.
Confidence: You won’t need that fire where you’re going, lady.
Guilt: You forgot your son’s birthday last week.
Beatrice: Goodbye, Duckman.
Duckman: Goodbye, Beatrice.
Mistress Nina: Oh, you’re up.
Duckman: You cured me. I got my confidence back. I slayed the dragon of guilt. Now I’m ready to
go out and breathe a little fire of my own. … I’m back, got the old bill, a new attitude, and I’m
ready to take on the world.
Fluffy/Uranus: Mr. Duckman, this came for you earlier.
Duckman: Dear Ducky, Cornfed’s a little worn out from observing us all day; thought you might
want to take over. Truth is, ever since you resisted us last night, we’ve been looking to spend more
time with you. No one ever plays hard to get with us. Signed, The Twins.
Fantine/Cassette: How about a ski weekend? Just the three of us, all alone by a fire.