P. 1
How to Survive a Sharknado by Andrew Shaffer - Boaricane Excerpt

How to Survive a Sharknado by Andrew Shaffer - Boaricane Excerpt

|Views: 6,323|Likes:
Sharks Are Flying at Your Head at 300 mph.
How Will You Survive?

In the apocalyptic world we live in, Mother Nature is angry. Danger waits at every turn, and catastrophes like the Los Angeles sharknados have taught us that we need to be ready for anything. Too many lives have already been lost.

But fear not. How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters is the first and only comprehensive guide to surviving the very worst that Mother Nature can throw our way. Inside this life-saving reference, you’ll find:

• Vital information about dozens of unnatural disasters and ungodly monsters that can injure, maim, or kill you, from arachnoquakes and ice twisters to piranhacondas and mega pythons;
• Easy-to-understand survival tips for avoiding a bloody demise;
• Inspirational words of wisdom from survivors, including Fin Shepard and April Wexler;
• Useful resources, such as the Shepard Survival Assessment Test (S.S.A.T), and much more.
With this essential book in hand, you too can be a hero who laughs in the face of calamity while saving friends and family. Or you can just avoid getting savagely ripped apart by a robocroc. Either way, you’ve been warned. Now be prepared.

Sharknado 2: The Second One premieres July 30 at 9/8c on Syfy!
Sharks Are Flying at Your Head at 300 mph.
How Will You Survive?

In the apocalyptic world we live in, Mother Nature is angry. Danger waits at every turn, and catastrophes like the Los Angeles sharknados have taught us that we need to be ready for anything. Too many lives have already been lost.

But fear not. How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters is the first and only comprehensive guide to surviving the very worst that Mother Nature can throw our way. Inside this life-saving reference, you’ll find:

• Vital information about dozens of unnatural disasters and ungodly monsters that can injure, maim, or kill you, from arachnoquakes and ice twisters to piranhacondas and mega pythons;
• Easy-to-understand survival tips for avoiding a bloody demise;
• Inspirational words of wisdom from survivors, including Fin Shepard and April Wexler;
• Useful resources, such as the Shepard Survival Assessment Test (S.S.A.T), and much more.
With this essential book in hand, you too can be a hero who laughs in the face of calamity while saving friends and family. Or you can just avoid getting savagely ripped apart by a robocroc. Either way, you’ve been warned. Now be prepared.

Sharknado 2: The Second One premieres July 30 at 9/8c on Syfy!

More info:

Published by: Crown Publishing Group on Jun 23, 2014
Copyright:Traditional Copyright: All rights reserved

Availability:

Read on Scribd mobile: iPhone, iPad and Android.
download as PDF, TXT or read online from Scribd
See more
See less

07/31/2014

pdf

text

original

Copyright © 2014 by Universal Television Networks. Licensed by Syfy Ventures.

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown
Publishing Group, a division of Random House LLC, a Penguin Random House
Company, New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random
House LLC.
Sharknado is a trademark and copyright of The Global Asylum Inc. Syfy is a
trademark of Universal Studios. Licensed by Syfy Ventures 2014. All rights
reserved.
Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978- 0- 553- 41813- 2
eBook ISBN 978- 0- 553- 41814- 9
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Illustrations by Michael Lee
Book design by Chad Tomlinson
Cover design by Richard Yoo
Back cover illustrations by Michael Lee
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
First Edition
Shaf_9780553418132_2p_all_r3.m.indd 4 4/16/14 8:29 AM
BOARICANE
Shaf_9780553418132_2p_all_r2.m.indd 40 4/7/14 9:08 AM
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Razorback Typhoon
FIRST OBSERVED: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (2011) •
EST. MAX. SPEED: 40 mph (Cyboars), 200 mph (Swirling Winds) •
HIGH- RISK GROUPS: People Who Are Easily Boared, People Who
Just Groaned at That Pun • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Coastal Regions
• THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER:
• FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
H
URRICANES ARE CALLED “TRIPLE THREATS” BE-
cause of their strong winds, high waves, and tor-
rential rainfall. Throw in hundreds of robotically
enhanced wild boars, and a hurricane bumps up to
a full- alarm boaricane. Double the size of regular
feral hogs, “cyboars” have hydraulic- powered metal skeletons un-
derneath their flesh and blood. Male cyboars sport stainless- steel
tusks sharp as machetes. To power their robotics, they need to eat
constantly, and often hunt in packs. The cyboars’ heavy, squat bodies
BOARICANE
Shaf_9780553418132_2p_all_r2.m.indd 41 4/7/14 9:08 AM
42
PART ONE: UNNATURAL DI SASTERS
allow them to maneuver with ease during hurricanes. When strong
winds knock you of balance, cyboars descend in a feeding frenzy.
STUDY
n n n
CYBOARS WERE ORIGINALLY designed by an Ameri-
can weapons contractor. However, they fell into unsafe hands when
a Brazilian drug cartel purchased an assortment of cyboars, which
they planned to use to intimidate enemies, on the black market.
Shortly thereafter, a rare southern Atlantic hurricane hit the
coast, destroying the cartel’s stockade. As the storm raged on, the in-
satiable cyboars turned on their captors and invaded Rio de Janeiro.
At first, world- class churrascaria chef Nicolas Sandoval watched
helplessly as the boaricane devastated the city. “My wife said they
were finally turning the tables on us. She’s a vegetarian. She always
hated that I owned a restaurant that served nothing but meat.”
Her comment got him thinking. “Those damned dirty pigs were
eating the people of my city,” he says. “If I didn’t step up, who would?
No one in Rio de Janeiro had as much experience grilling hogs as me.
No one.”
Once the wind died down, Sandoval and his waiters strapped on
flamethrowers. Weapons in hand, the crew braved the weather to
hunt and kill the cyboars.
“I prefer my meat rare,” Sandoval says. “But that day, I set my
flamethrower to well- done.”
AVOID
n n n
WHENEVER THERE’S A hurricane brewing, there’s al-
ways the potential for it to be upgraded to a boaricane. Stay vigilant.
Watch twenty- four- hour news channels twenty- four hours a day.
Never miss a minute of coverage. You’ll be among the first to know
about potential boaricanes. Twenty- four- hour news channels feed
on disasters like a firenado feeds on dry timber.
Shaf_9780553418132_2p_all_r2.m.indd 42 4/7/14 9:08 AM
FI GHTI NG MOTHER NATURE
43
SURVIVE
n n n
DURING A BOARICANE, hunker down in your
home unless authorities tell you to evacuate. Stay inside. Draw the
shades. Wait out the storm. And if a cyboar breaks through your
front door, put it down with an electromagnetic pulse weapon (see
ROBOCROC). Of course, that’s not always possible. What if you’re
hiking in the jungle and a boaricane hits?

Take a tip from T- Pain— get low. If you can’t reach shelter,
you’ll need to protect yourself from flying debris. Get low to the
ground. Curl into a ball. If a flash flood washes you away, you’ll roll
to safety like a human tumbleweed.

Climb a tree. Wait until the storm has died down to try this
gambit. You don’t want to scale a tree only to be knocked out by
a gale- force wind. Cyboars can’t climb trees. You can (or at least
you could in middle school).

Disrespect your elders. The leader of a cyboar pack is typi-
cally a matriarchal sow— a grandmother. If you’re surrounded, try
to pick her out. She’ll be the one hanging toward the back of the
group, grunting orders. Stun or wound her with a weapon, and she
may order the pack to retreat. Then again, her grandkids may try
to teach you a lesson.
CUDDLY KILLING MACHINES
We won’t lie: as long as you can ignore the glowing red eyes and
metal tusks, cyboar piglets are cute. Don’t be fooled. These little pig-
gies are just as aggressive as their elders. Remember, they’re part
robot. As we all know, robots are cold- blooded killers. It doesn’t
matter how much they remind you of Honey Boo- Boo’s teacup pig—
treat cyboar piglets with the same fear and respect you would show
full- grown cyboars. And by that we mean kill the freaks.
Shaf_9780553418132_2p_all_r2.m.indd 43 4/7/14 9:08 AM

You're Reading a Free Preview

Download
scribd