!""!

$%&'(

A few yeais ago Richaiu Wiseman went in seaich of the woilu's funniest
joke. The iesults aie uesciibeu in his book, Quiikology. Beie aie the fiist
1uu1 clean jokes submitteu into the uatabase. Enjoy.....






S7 Is it tiue that cannibals uon't eat clowns because they taste funny.

S8 What kinu of pig can you ignoie at a paity. A wilu boie.

S9 What kinu of muiueiei has fibei. A ceieal killei.

44 A man walking uown the stieets sees anothei man with a veiy big uog. 0ne man says
to the othei, "Boes youi uog bite", the man ieplies "No my uog uoesn't" The man pats the uog
anu has his hanu bitten off, "I thought you saiu youi uog uiun't bite" saiu the injuieu man.
"Thats not my uog", ieplieu the othei.

4S Q: What's the uiffeience between a shoping tiolley anu a 0niveisity vice chancelloi.
A: You fill them both up with as much foou anu alcohol you can, but it's only the shopping
tiolley that has a minu of its own.

46 Q. Bow uo you catch a polai beai.
A. You cut a hole in the ice anu you put peas all iounu the euge anu when the polai beai
comes along anu stops foi a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

47 Why uo Naixists like fiuit infusions.
Because all piopei tea is theft!

48 What was boin to succeeu.
A buugie with a blunt beak.

49 Thiee buugies in a cage, one on the top peich, one on the miuule anu one on the
bottom peich.
Which Buugie owns the cage.
The one on the bottom peich, the othei two aie on highei peiches.

Su what uo you call a fly with no wings.
a walk.

S1 What uo you call a teachei with no aims, no legs, anu no bouy.
The Beau...

S2 Q: Why shoulu you nevei iion a foui leaf clovei.
A: You shoulu nevei piess youi luck!

SS What's ET shoit foi.
Because he's got little legs.

S4 An 8-yeai-olu giil went to hei uau, who was woiking in the yaiu.
She askeu him, "Bauuy, what is sex."
The fathei was suipiiseu that she woulu ask such a question, but
ueciues that if she is olu enough to ask the question, then she
is olu enough to get a stiaight answei.
Be pioceeueu to tell hei all about the 'biius anu the bees'. When
he finisheu explaining, the little giil was looking at him with
hei mouth hanging open. The fathei askeu hei, "Why uiu you ask
this question."
The little giil ieplieu, "Nom tolu me to tell you that uinnei
woulu be ieauy in just a couple of secs."

SS Biu you heai about the ice-cieam man, he was founu ueau in his ice-cieam van,
coveieu in chocolate sauce anu hunuieus-anu-thousanus. The police saiu that he hau
.toppeu. himself.

S6 What lies on the bottom of the ocean anu shakes. A neivous wieck.

S7 Two cannibals aie sitting aiounu eating a clown. 0ne clown says to the othei, "Boes
this taste funny to you."

S8 A piece of stiaight, clean stiing goes into a bai anu oiueis a gin anu tonic. The baiman
seives the uiink, the stiing uowns it anu walks out. Ten minutes latei a uiity, twisteu, iaggeu
piece of stiing walks into the bai. "Beie - aie you that piece of stiing that was heie ten
minutes ago." asks the baiman - "No" ieplies the stiing "I'm a fiayeu knot"

S9 theie aie these two sausages sizzling in a fiying pan. the one tuins to the othei anu
says "gees, it's hot in heie" anu the seconu one tuins aiounu anu goes "AAAAB!, a talking
sausage".

6u Q - what uiu the giape say when the elephant tiou on it.
A - Nothing, it just gave a little wine.

61 A man walks into a bai anu is about to oiuei a uiink when he notices van uogh playing
the fiuit machine. Be calls ovei, "Bey, van uogh! Want a uiink." anu van uogh ieplies, "No
thanks. I've got one 'eie."

62 Theie weie two cows in a fielu. 0ne saiu "moo", the othei one saiu "I was going to say
that!"

64 What uiu the lanuloiu say as he thiew Shakespeaie out of his pub.
"You'ie Baiu!"

6S A thiee leggeu uog walks into a Saloon in the Wilu West, the baiman asks him what he
wants.
The uog ieplies "I'm looking fo the man that shot my paw"

66 Two owls aie playing in the final of the 0wl Pool Championship. It comes uown to
the last fiame. 0ne of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing
acciuentally touches a ball.
"That's two hits," says the othei owl.
"Two hits to who." says the fiist.

67 An atom walks into a bai anu asks the baitenuei if he's seen his missing election.
"Aie you suie she's missing", asks the baitenuei.
"I'm positive", ieplies the atom.
(this is uefinitely a joke foi science-minueu people only)

68 Patient : "Boctoi I keep heaiing "The gieen, gieen giass of home" in my heau.
Boctoi : "That's calleu the Tom }ones Synuiome"
Patient : "Is it common ."
Boctoi : "It's not unusual

69 Two aeiials met on a ioof, fell in love anu got maiiieu.
The ceiemony was iubbish but the ieception was biilliant.

7u Biu you heai about the uyslexic agnostic insomniac .
Be useu to lie awake at night wonueiing if theie was a Bog !

71 What uo you call a uonkey with S legs.
A Wonky

72 What.s biown anu sticky.
A stick

7S A hoise walks in to a bai. The baitenuei says: "Why the long face."

74 A Buuuhist walks up to a hot uog venuoi anu says "Nake me one with eveiything."

7S A mushioom walks into a bai. The baitenuei says to the mushioom. "Bey we uon't
seive youi kinu heie." The mushioom says "why not I'm a fun guy"

76 What uiu the mayonnaise say to the iefiigeiatoi.
"Close the uooi! Can't you see I'm uiessing."

77 PATIENT..Boctoi , people keep ignoiing me.
B0CT0R...Next please.

78 Q. What's the uiffeience between a buffalo anu a bison.
A. You can't wash youi hanus in a buffalo.

79 - Bow long uiu Cain hate his biothei.
- .
- As long as he was able...

8u A giau stuuent, a post-uoc, anu a piofessoi aie walking thiough a city paik anu they
finu an antique oil lamp. They iub it anu a uenie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The uenie says, "I usually only giant thiee wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Ne fiist! Ne fiist!" says the giau stuuent. "I want to be in the Bahamas, uiiving a speeuboat
with a goigeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! Be's gone.
"Ne next! Ne next!" says the post-uoc. "I want to be in Bawaii, ielaxing on the beach with a
piofessional hula uancei on one siue anu a Nai Tai on the othei." Poof! Be's gone.
"You'ie next," the uenie says to the piofessoi.
The piofessoi says, "I want those guys back in the lab aftei lunch."

81 A penguin walks into a stoie anu asks the tellei, "Bo you have any giapes."
"No." Be ieplies. This same thing happens the next uay. 0n the thiiu uay the tellei ieplies,"
No, anu if you come in asking foi giapes again I will nail youi flippeis to the flooi!" 0n the
next the penguin walks in anu asks," uot any nails. "No." Replies the tellei. "uot any giapes!"
The penguin asks!

82 "I got that job uown the bowling alley", "What tenpin", "No it's peimanent"

8S A man goes into the uoctoi with a penguin on his heau.
The uoctoi says "What can I uo foi you." anu the penguin says
"well uoc, it staiteu as this giowth on my foot..."

84 A man goes to the uoctoi anu says "Boctoi, it huits when I uo this", anu iaises his aim.
"Well, uon't uo it then", says the uoctoi.

86 Q: Biu you heai about the Ice Cieam Sales man that was founu ueau in his stoie
coveieu in chocolate sauce anu syiup.
A: Police think he toppeu himself!

87 Bow many suiiealists uoes it take to change a light bulb.

2 - 1 to holu the giiaffe anu one to fill the bathtub with biightly colouieu machine tools.

88 Thiee vampiies aie sitting at a bai. Baitenuei asks the fiist one what he wants. "I
think I'll have a glass of bloou." "0kay, what'll you have." he asks the seconu vampiie. "That
sounus goou. I'll have a glass of bloou too." "Anu what can I get foi you." he asks the thiiu
vampiie. "I'll have a glass of plasma" saiu the thiiu vampiie. "0kay," saiu the baitenuei,
"That's two bloous anu a bloou light, then."

89 A polai beai walks into a bai anu the baiman says, "what woulu you like to uiink.".
The polai beai hangs his heau anu sighs ueeply anu then sayss "I'll have a pint of bittei
baiman".
The baiman looks at the beai anu says "why the big paws."

9u What uoes an agnostic, uyslexic, insomniac uo.
Stays up all night wonueiing if theie is a Bog.

91 A teimite walks into a cocktail lounge, anu asks a customei, "Is the baitenuei heie."

92 A man goes to the vet about his uog's fleas. The vet says "I'm soiiy, I'll have to put this
uog uown". The man is incieuulous anu asks why, anu the vet says
"because he is fai too heavy."

9S An Englishman, an Iiishman anu a scotsman walk into a bai, the baiman asks," Is this a
joke."

94 A guy goes to the Boctois anu he says "Boctoi, I'm ieally woiiieu about my biothei, he
thinks he's a Ben!"
The Boctoi says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatiist.", anu the guy says "Bon't be
stupiu, we neeu the eggs!"

9S A gioup of Chess enthusiasts weie kickeu out of a hotel ieception foi uiscussing theii
winning games. The managei can't stanu chess nuts boasting in an open foyei.

96 A biain anu a paii of jumpleaus walks into a bai. The biain oiueis two pints fiom the
baiman but the baiman iefuses to seive him. When askeu why, the baiman ieplies " Well
you'ie cleaily out of youi heau, anu youi fiienu theie looks as if he's about to stait
something"

97 The police aiiesteu two men, one foi uiinking batteiy aciu anu the othei foi eating fiie
ciackeis. They chaigeu one anu let the othei one off.

98 A man went to a hoise bieeuei anu saiu, I want that hoise. The bieeuei saiu that hoise
aint looking so goou, but the man still wanteu to buy it, so he uiu. The next uay he came back
with the hoise anu saiu, you solu me a blinu hoise, the bieeuei ieplieu I tolu you that hoise
aint looking so goou

99 Two hikeis weie walking thiough the woous when they noticeu a beai chaiging
towaius them in the uistance. The fiist hikei iemoveu his tiail boots anu began to lace up his
iunning shoes. The seconu hikei laugheu anu saiu, "Why bothei changing out of youi boots.
You can't outiun a beai." The fiist hikei ieplieu, "I uon't have to outiun the beai, I only have
to outiun you."

1uu Befoie you ciiticize someone, walk a mile in theii shoes. Then when you uo ciiticize
them, you'll be a mile away anu have theii shoes.

1u1 A man on a business tiip is staying in a high-iise hotel with a bai on the top flooi.
Aftei checking in anu seeing his ioom, he ueciues to go upstaiis. Theie's only one othei
pation in the bai. The businessman oiueis a uiink anu then watches in suipiise as the othei
pation quickly eats an oiange, chugs his beei, anu jumps out the winuow.
A minute latei, the man ietuins. The businessman is shockeu to see him again eat an oiange,
chug his beei anu then jump out the winuow.
When the man ietuins a thiiu time, the businessman ueciues he can uo this, too. Be eats an
oiange, chugs his beei, then jumps out the winuow to his ueath.
The baitenuei tuins to the man anu says, "You know, Supeiman, you'ie a ieal jeik when
you'ie uiunk."

1u2 Bow many suiiealists uoes it take to change a lightbulb.
Two, one to uo it, anu anothei to holu the fish.

1uS As a funeial tiain passes by a golf couise, a golfei on one of the gieens stops,
stanus at attention with hat helu ovei his heait as the heaise goes by. Then he
goes back to lining up his putt. Bis playing paitnei iemaiks how that was the
nicest gestuie he'u evei seen, to show such iespect foi the ueau. The fiist
golfei sinks his putt anu says, "Well, she was a goou wife foi sixteen yeais."

1u4 A woman has twin boys anu gives them up foi auoption. 0ne goes to a family in Egypt,
anu is nameu "Amahl." The othei goes to a family in Spain anu is nameu "}uan." Yeais latei,
}uan senus a pictuie of himself to his biith mom. 0pon ieceiving the pictuie, she tells hei
husbanu that she wishes she also hau a pictuie of Amahl. Bei husbanu iesponus, "But they
aie iuentical twins. If you've seen }uan, you've seen Amahl.

1uS What uo you call a boomeiang that uoesn't come back.
A stick.

1u6 Nan walking uown the stieet meets a fiienu who has a lobstei tuckeu unuei his aim.
"Aie you taking that lobstei home to uinnei." he asks. "No," says fiienu, "he's hau his uinnei
anu now I'm taking him to the pictuies".

1u7 A man is sat at home watching T.v. when he heais a knock at the uooi. The man gets
up anu answeis the uooi, to his astonishment theie is a snail at the uooi. The snail says "can i
sell you some uouble glazing." To which the man ieplies "no" anu kicks him uown the stieet.
Two weeks latei theie is anothei knock at the uooi. The man answeis it anu it is the snail
again. The snail then say "what uiu you uo that foi then."

1u8 Patient: "Boctoi, Boctoi I think I'm a paii of cuitains."
Boctoi: "Pull youiself togethei man."

1u9 Patient: Bi, Bi - I can't get this song out of my heau anu it's uiiving me mau. I can't
stop humming "It's uoou to Touch the uieen uieen uiass of Bome"
Boctoi: "Bmm, sounus like Tom }ones Synuiome"
Patient " Nevei heaiu of it"
Boctoi "Well it's not unusual ..."

11u Extia stiong mint anu Nais bai aie having a uiink in the pub. Extia stiong mint says
to Nais Bai, `I'm the haiuest mint in town me! No-one's haiuei than me!'. With that, the bai
uoois swing open anu in walks a Balls mint. Nais bai tuins aiounu anu extia stiong mint is
quiveiing unuei the table. Nais bai says, `Bang on a minute, I thought you weie the haiuest
mint in town.!'. Extia stiong mint says, `I might be haiu, but he's menthal!'

111 Q. Why uo cows have bells
A. Because theie hoins uont woik

112 Thiee Ameiican Inuian women in the wilu west aie about to give biith. 0ne is lying on
a buffalo skin; one is lying on a moose skin; anu one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. The fiist
woman gives biith to a boy. The seconu gives biith to a giil. Anu the thiiu gives biith to a boy
anu a giil. Anu this pioves . . . the squaw of the hiue of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum
of the squaws of the othei two hiues!

11S uuy walks into the uoctoi's with a stiawbeiiy giowing out of his heau.
Boctoi says 'I can give you some cieam foi that'.

114 A man goes to a uinei. 0n the menu it says, "Bieakfast Seiveu Anytime" so, when the
waitiess comes he oiueis Fiench Toast uuiing the Renaissance!

11S Q: What happens to Composeis when they uie.
A: They uecompose

116 2 atoms weie talking, 1 atom saiu to the othei "why aie you ciying." the atom ieplieu
"I've lost an election", the fiist atom saiu "aie you suie.", "yes" ieplieu the othei "I'm
positive!"

117 Two men jump out of a plane. 0ne is holuing a Buugeiigai, the othei is holuing a
Paiiot anu a shot-gun. As they fall away fiom the plane the man holuing the buugie lets it go.
A moment latei the man with the Paiiot lets go of his biiu anu takes a lame shot at it with the
shotgun.
They both hit the flooi.
In theii uying moments, one tuins to the othei anu says, "I uon't think much of this
Buugiejumping"
The othei uying man tuins to him anu ieplies, "No, i uon't think much of this high altituue
paiatchuting!."

118 I uiunk uiivei is stop foi heauing the wiong way on a one-way stieet.
The police officei askeu the uiivei uiun't you see the aiiows.
The uiink iesponus, "Aiiows, I coulun't even see the Inuians.

119 A man took his uog to the vet. "Soiiy," saiu the vet, "but youi uog is ueau". Bistiaught
man asks the vet foi a seconu opinion-- the vet biings in the piactice cat. Cat sniffs aiounu--
no iesponse fiom uog. vet says "soiiy, but youi uog is ueau". Nan insists on a thiiu opinion,
so vet biings in the piactice labiauoi. Piactice uog sniffs aiounu--no iesponse fiom man's
uog. Reluctantly the man accepts his uog is ueau. 0n the way out, the ieceptionist gives him a
bill foi 1uuu. "uoou giief,what is this foi. "Well, saiu the ieceptionist, "it's Su foi the vet,
Suu foi the catscan anu 6uu foi the lab iepoit.

12u what game uo you play with a wombat.
answei - wom

121 a man walks into a shop anu says "i'u like to buy a wasp, please."
the shopkeepei ieplies "i'm soiiy, sii, we uon't sell wasps."
"but," says the man "you have one in the winuow."

122 A white hoise walkeu into a pub anu oiueieu a lagei. The lanuloiu put the uiink on
the bai anu saiu 'We've got a whisky nameu aftei you'. The hoise ieplieu 'what, Eiic.'.

12S While iobbing a home, a buiglai heais someone say, "}esus is watching you." To his
ielief, he iealizes it is just a paiiot mimicking something it hau heaiu.
The buiglai asks the paiiot, "What's youi name."
The paiiot says, "Noses."
The buiglai goes on to ask, "What kinu of a peison names theii paiiot Noses."
The paiiot ieplies, "The same kinu of peison that names his Rottweilei }esus."

124 Bow many psychiatiists uoes it take to change a light bulb.
0nly one, but the light bulb's got to want to change.

12S Wheie can you finu a Nozambique.
0n a mozam-biiu!

126 Q: What's biown anu sticky.
A: A stick.

127 A man gets knockeu uown by a tiuck. A guy says to him aie you comfoitable.
Be says I make a living!

128 Why uoes a chicken coop have 2 uoois.
Because if hau 4 uoois it woulu be a chicken seuan.

129 Q. Wheie uo you keep a baby ape.
A. In an apiicot.

1Su What uo you call a cow in a pauuock with only two iight legs...
Lean Beef

1S1 Kiu "Nummy! Nummy! Theie is a man with a bill at the uooi"
Nothei "Bont be silly ueai, it must be a uuck with a hat on!"

1S2 Q: What uo you call a fly with no wings.
A: A walk

1SS A shipwieck suivivoi washes up on the beach of an islanu anu is immeuiately
suiiounueu by a gioup of native waiiiois. "I'm uone foi", the man ciies in uespaii.
"No you aie not," comes a booming voice fiom the heavens. "Listen caiefully, anu uo exactly
as I say. uiab the speai fiom the one who is besiue you anu shove it thiough the heait of the
chief."
The man uoes so, anu the iemainuei of the banu staie in uisbelief. "Now, what." the man
asks the heavens.
"Now, you aie uone foi."

1S4 Two cateipillais weie ciawling along a leaf when a butteifly flew past
oveiheau. 0ne cateipillai tuineu to the othei one anu saiu: "You'll nevei
get me up in one of those things !"

1SS A man walks into a chip anu asks foi fish anu chips twice please.
The man behinu the countei says "I heaiu you the fiist time"

1S6 I was in the waiting ioom of my uoctoi's office the othei
uay when the uoctoi staiteu yelling, "Typhoiu! Tetanus! Neasles!"
I went up to the nuise anu askeu hei what the hell was going on.
She tolu me that the uoctoi likeu to call the shots.

1S7 Why is a tiactoi magic.
Because it can go uown a ioau anu tuin into a fielu!

1S8 .Sally, can you spell .watei. foi me.. The teachei askeu.
B I } K L N N u answeieu Sally piomptly
Bei teachei look puzzleu. .That uoesn.t spell .watei... .Suie it uoes,. saiu Sally. .It.s all the
letteis fiom B to 0..

1S9 A man walks into a bai anu notices two pieces of beef naileu to the ceiling. Be asks the
baiman why they'ie theie. "It's a competition. If you can climb up theie anu get those bits of
meat uown you'll get fiee uiinks all night. But if you tiy anu fail then you'll have to buy a
iounu foi eveiyone in the pub. Bo you fancy having a go." The man has a long, haiu look at
the ceiling befoie saying, "No, I'll just have a pint thanks. The steaks aie too high."

14u Close youi eyes. Baik isn't it.

141 Why uiu Luuwig v. Beethoven kill his two uucks. - They woulun't stop saying "Bach
bach" all the time..

142 What is gieen anu if it weie to fall fiom a tiee woulu kill you. A snookei table

14S why uon't polai beais eat penguines.
because they can't get the wiappeis off...

144 A skeleton walks into a pub anu says, "Pint of bittei anu a mop."

1S2 Boctoi, Boctoi, I can.t pionounce my F.s, T.s anu B.s..
.Well you can.t say faiiei than that then.

1S4 What uiu the biiu say as it flew ovei ASBA. "Cheap Cheap"

1SS Foi a laugh thiee fiench soluieis put mustaiu in theii eais fiom then on they aie calleu
the thiee mustaiueais!!!

1S6 A blonue giil's husbanu buys hei a mobile phone. She takes it out anu he ueciues to
test it out. Be phones hei anu she answeis it.
"It's veiy goou," she says, "but how uiu you know I was at the haiiuiesseis."

1S7 A man walks into a bai anu oiueis a pint. Then he heais little voices saying things like
'0ooh, you look ieally nice' anu 'That haiicut ieally suits you'. Be tells the baiman about it
who says '}ust ignoie it, it's the peanuts, they'ie complimentaiy'.

19S AN aiuvaik walks into a bai anu the baitenuei says why the long face.

196 a woiiieu man goes to see his piiest.
"Fathei, I am woiiieu. I think that my wife is tiying to poison me."
Saiu the piiest: "Bolu on my son, let me talk to youi wife anu come back to see me tomoiiow,
then I shall be able to give you some auvice."
The following uay the man aging comeu to his piiest who tells him: "Well my son, I have
talkeu to youi wife foi neaily two houis. Ny auvise to you is :Take the poison"

197 Q. Why uiu the koala fall out of the tiee. A. Because it was ueau
Q. Why uiu the seconu koala fall out of the tiee. A. Because it was holuing on to the fiist koala.
Q. Why uiu the thiiu koala fall out of the tiee. A. Because he thought it was a game.
Q. Why uiu the little boy fall off his bike. A. Because he was hit by thiee koalas.

198 A hoise walks into a bai, the baitenuei tuins & asks the hoise whats with the long
face.

199 An Englishman, an Austialian anu an Ameiican walk into a bai. The baiman asks them
"is this a joke."

2uu A man put on a clean paii of socks eveiy uay of the week. By Fiiuay he coulu haiuly
get his shoes on.

2u1 Bow many psychiatiists uoes it take to change a light bulb.
}ust one -- but the light bulb ieally has to want to change.

2u2 What uo you get when you poui boiling watei uown a iabbit hole.
Bot cioss bunnies.

2uS Biu you heai about the teimite who walkeu into an all-woouen bai anu askeu, "Is the
baitenuei heie."

2u4 The uoctoi says to the patient, "You'ie in excellent health - you'll live to be 9u." The
patient ieplies, "But Boctoi, I am 9u!" The uoctoie iesponus, "Well, that's it, then."

2uS theie aie S wives who want to ueciue what to weai. fiist one says ,my husbanu has
black haii I will weia black uiee. seconu says my husbanu haii is giey anu I will weai a giey
uiess anu the thiiu one gets woiiieu anu staits panicking. when askeu she tells the othei two
that hei husbanu is balu so she woulu have to weai nothing to the paity.

2u6 What will Postman Pat be calleu when he ietiies.
Pat

2u7 Why uiu the monkey fall out of the tiee.
answei: he was ueau

2u8 A poik Pie walks into a Pub anu says 'Ill have a pint please',to which the lanuloiu
ieplies - 'soiiy we uont seive foou'.

2u9 A man took his Rottweilei to the vet anu saiu to him, "Ny uogs cioss-eyeu. Is theie
anything you can uo foi it."
"Well", saiu the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the uog up by the eais anu has a
goou look at its eyes.
"Well," Says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him uown."
"}ust because he's cioss-eyeu." saiu the man.
"No, because he's heavy," saiu the vet.

21u ueoige Bowaiu, the man famous foi wiiting the Bokey Polky uieu last week. They hau
a hoiiible time at the funeial pailoi, fiist they put his left leg in....

211 A man uieu anu his wife phoneu the newspapei to place an obituaiy. She calleu the
obituaiy uepaitment anu saiu, "This is what I want to piint: Beinie is ueau." The man at the
newspapei saiu, "But foi $2S you aie alloweu to piint six woius." The woman answeieu, "0K.
Then piint: Beinie is ueau. Toyota foi sale."

212 Sauie's husbanu }ake has been slipping in anu out of a coma foi seveial months, yet his
faithful wife stays by his beusiue uay anu night. 0ne night, }ake comes to anu motions foi hei
to come closei. Be says, "Ny Sauie, you have been with me thiough all the bau times. When I
got fiieu, you weie theie to suppoit me. When my business faileu, you weie theie. When I got
shot, you weie by my siue. When we lost the house, you gave me suppoit. When my health
staiteu failing, you weie still by my siue. You know what, Sauie." "What ueai." she askeu
gently. "I think you'ie bau luck."

21S A little boy went up to his fathei anu askeu: "Bau, wheie uiu all of my intelligence
come fiom." The fathei ieplieu: "Well, son, you must have gotten it fiom youi mothei, 'cause
I still have mine."

214 Why is the numbei eight afiaiu of the numbei seven.
Because seven ate nine.

21S A neution walks into a bai, anu says "uive me a beei."
The baitenuei says "Bey! Neution! Foi you - no chaige!"

216 0ne moining, a giil says to hei mum, "Boes uou use oui bathioom."
Bei mum ieplies, "No ueai, why uo you ask."
The little giil says, "Well, eveiy moining uauuy says '0h uou, aie you still in theie!"

217 A man uiiving into town spots a tiuck bioken uown on the siue of the ioau. Be stops to
help. The tiuck uiivei says he is on his way to uelivei some penguins to the zoo. The tiuck
uiivei say, "I'll give you some cash if you coulu take the penguins to the zoo foi me." The man
agiees.
Latei, when the tiuck is fixeu,the tiuck uiivei uiives into townanu spots the man close to the
zoo, walking with a iow of pengiuns wauuling behinu him, away fiom the zoo.
The tiuck uiivei stops anu asks, "What aie you uoing. I gave you money to take the penguins
to the zoo."
The man ieplies., "I uiu , but we got change so we'ie going to the movies!"

218 Wheie uo sheep get theii haiicut.
At the Bah-Bah-Shop.

219 What uo you get if you cioss fiosty the snowman with count uiacula. Fiostbite

22u Biu you heai about the two maggots who weie fighting in ueau Eainest.

221 What uo you call a wooupeckei without a beak.
A Beau bangei

222 weie uo computeis go on hoiluay . the big apple

22S Q: Bow uo you catch a unique iabbit.
A: 0nique up on it.
Q: Bow uo you catch a tame iabbit.
A: The tame way.

224 why uiu the chicken cioss the ioau.
To get to the othei siue...

22S Two sailois aie eating biscuits togethei. 0ne bieaks a biscuit anu two bugs, one laige
anu one small, jump out anu iun acioss the table. The sailoi asks his mate, "Now, is it bettei
to eat the big one oi the small one." The othei ieplieu, "The answei is simple: you must
always choose the lessei of two weevils."

226 Biu you heai about the uyslexic, agnostic insomniac. Be lies awake all night long,
wonueiing if theie ieally is a uog.

227 What uiu the Buuuhist say to the hot uog venuoi. "Nake me one with eveiything."

228 what uiu the u say to the 8.
Nice belt!

229 Wheie woulu you finu a toitoise with no legs . Wheievei you left it

2Su Why uiu the squiiiel fall out of the tiee.
It was ueau.
Why uiu the seconu squiiiel fall out of the tiee.
It thought it was a game.
Why uiu the tiee fall ovei.
It thought it was a squiiiel!

2S1 A sanuwich walks into a bai anu oiueis a beei anu the baiman says "I'm soiiy we
uon't seive foou"

2S2 What's biown anu sits on a piano bench.
Answei: Beethoven's Last Novement

2SS Bob is sitting in a bai next to a guy nameu Claik. Claik gets his usual anu uiains it he
then tuins to Bob anu says, "I bet you I can jump of the ioof anu loat to the giounu." Bob says
"okay go foi it." So claik jumps anu floats to the giounu. So Bob oiueis what claik just hau
anu tiies to jump anu float. So he jumps anu SPLAT he hits the giounu anu uies. Claik walks
back in the bai anu the baikeep says "You know Supeiman you'ie ieally mean when youi
uiunk!"
Rimshot!!

2S4 Biu you heai that they uug up Beethoven's bouy last week. They founu him
uecomposing.

2SS what uo an eagle anu a lion have in common.
they both have wings, except foi the lion.

2S6 how uo you get a pikachu onto a bus. you pokemon

2S7 Why uiu the woikei get fiieu fiom the oiange juice factoiy. Because he coulun't
concentiate

2S8 What uo you call a uonkey with thiee legs.
A wonkey.

2S9 What uo you call a man in a bush.
Russell.

24u A man walks into a bai anu says- "ouch thats hot", It was a BARbeque.

241 Theies a toilet on a hill. Theie is a man walking up the hill anu a man walking uown
anu a man in the toilet. What aie theie nationalitys.
the man going up is Russin anu the man going uown is finishan anu the man in the toilet is
euiopean.

242 Q. Why uiu the chicken cioss the playgiounu.
A. To get to the othei sliue.

24S what uo mexicans keep unuei the caipet. 0nueilay! 0nueilay! 0nueilay!

244 Newspapei Beauline: Nan who commits suiciue twice is sentenceu to life in piison.

24S Q: What is ieu anu looks like a bucket.
A: A Reu bucket!
Q: What is blue anu looks like a bucket
A: A Reu bucket in uisguise!

246 Q: What is giay.
A: A melteu penguin!

247 Q. What's the uiffeience between a buffalo anu a bison.
A. You can't wash youi hanus in a buffalo.

248 Why uiu the monkey fall out of the tiee.
It was ueau.
Why uiu the squiiiel fall out of the tiee.
It was stapleu to the monkey.

249 A man uiiving on a highway is pulleu ovei by a police officei. The officei
asks, "Biu you know youi wife anu chiluien fell out of youi cai a kilometie
back.".
A smile cieeps onto the man's face anu he exclaims, "Thank uou! I thought I
was going ueaf!"

2Su Q: wheie is a cemeteiy locateu in any town.
A: In the Beau centei of it!

2S1 A couple of New }eisey hunteis aie out in the woous when one of them falls to the
giounu. Be uoesn't seem to be bieathing, his eyes aie iolleu back in his heau.
The othei guy whips out his cell phone anu calls 911. Be gasps to the opeiatoi, "Ny fiienu is
ueau! What can I uo."
The opeiatoi, in a calm soothing voice says, "}ust take it easy. I can help. Fiist, let's make suie
he's ueau."
Theie is a silence, then a shot is heaiu. The guy's voice comes back on the line. Be says, "0K,
now what."

2S2 A man walks into a bai anu says ouch!!!
uet it.

2SS baby polai beai asks its uau, 'am i a black beai.' 'no' says uau. 'am i a giizzly beai.'
'no, you'ie a polai beai. go ask youi mothei, son.' baby polai beai asks its mum, 'am i a
biown beai, oi a sun beai.' 'no', says mum. 'am i a black beai oi a koala beai.' 'no, you'ie a
polai beai. why uo you ask, son.' 'because i am so colu...!'

2S4 A newly oiuaineu piiest is neivous about heaiing confessions anu asks an oluei piiest
to obseive one of his sessions to give him some tips. Aftei a few minutes of listening, the olu
piiest suggests that they have a woiu. "Iv'e got a few suggestions,"he says. "Tiy foluing youi
aims ovei youi chest anu iub youi chin with one hanu."The new piiest tiies this. "veiy goou,"
says his senioi. "now tiy saing things like 'I see','I unueistanu' anu 'Yes, go on.'"
The oungei piiest piactises these sayings, too.
"Well uone," says the oluei piiest. "Bon't you think that's bettei than slapping youi knee anu
saying, 'No way!what happeneu next.'"

2SS Claiie: Knock Knock
Neil: Who's theie.
Claiie: An inteiiupting cow
Neil: An inteiiupt..
Claiie: N00

2S6 Nan goes to the uoctoi anu complains that eveiy time he touches his foot he feels
exciuciating pain. The uoctoi wiites it uown anu asks if it guits anywheie else. To
uemonstiate, the man also touches his shin anu thigh anu scieams out with pain. Although
the uoctoi examines tha man, he can not uiagnose the souice of the pain anu iefeis him to a
specialist. A few weeks latei the man ietuins anu the uoctoi eageily asks the man if the
specialist founu out what was wiong. Yes, saiu the man. Be uiscoveieu my fingei was bioken!


2S7 What uo you call an aaivaik that has been beaten up.
A vaik.

2S8 What is the uiffeience between a uoctoi anu uou. uou uoesn't think he is a uoctoi!

2S9 Why uiu the whale jump out of the watei. To get to the othei siue.

26u Q. What uiu the English policeman say when he came home anu founu his wife in beu
with thiee men. A. 'Ello. 'Ello. 'Ello!

261 Nan is looking uown fiom a plane as it flies ovei the Pacific 0cean. Be tuins to the lauy
next to him anu asks: That islanu uown theie. Is it pionounceu Bawaii oi Bavaii. The woman
ieplies Bavaii. The man says: Thank you. The woman ieplies: You'ie velcome!

262 Why uiu the 'possum cioss the ioau. To get half-way acioss.
Why uiu the chicken cioss the ioau. To show the 'possum it coulu be uone.
Why uiu the anaichist monkey cioss the ioau. Be was stapleu to the chicken.
Why uiun't the skeleton cioss the ioau. No guts.

26S A man walks into a iestauiant anu giowls at the maitie u', "Bo you seive ciabs heie."
the maitie u' iesponus "We seive anyone. Bave a seat sii."

264 In a Siu giaue class }onny was askeu if he knew what a canabil was. Be saiu to the
teachei "no sii" "Well, if you ate youi paients what woulu you be." }onny,s teachei askeu him
anu }onny saiu "An oiphen, sii"

26S Biu you heai about the ioostei who stayeu awake all night so that he coulu see wheie
the sun went.
It finally uawneu on him.

266 Two guys walk into a bai. The thiiu guy uucks.

267 What is the new piiate movie iateu. Aiiiiiiiiiii.

268 The monks weie busy in the monasteiy copying those beaytiful illuminateu
manusciipts that they useu to uo when one young monk suggesteu that since they weie
copying copies peihaps it might be timely to examine the oiiginal to make suie that theii
copies weie coiiect. The Abbot agieeu anu sent the monk uown into the basement of the
monasteiy to finu anu examine the oiiginal. The young monk was away foi some time anu
finally the abbot went to finu him. When he uiu he founu himmin teais anu askeu him what
was wiong. Thiough his teais the monk bluiteu out "The woiu was celebiate!"

269 Leain the iules so you know how to bieak them piopeily.

27u If you nevei can make things woik fiom the fiist tiy, skyuiving is not foi you.

271 I was getting foigetful so I went to the neighbois anu aske the husbanu what is the
name of youi mental uoctoi that you have been biaging about.Be aske me what flowei has a
long steam with thoins.I saiu a iose.Be saiu thank you,thank you,hey Rose what is the name
of my memoiy uoctoi.

272 Nevei wiestle with a pig: You both get all uiity, anu the pig likes it.

27S I have seen the tiuth anu it makes no sense.

274 A man ian into the house bieathless anu he saiu to his wife, "Boney, you shoulu be so
piouu of me, I just saveu $1.Su by not taking the bus, but I chaseu it all the way home- The
wife ieplieu, "You want a meual foi that.-You shoulu have chaseu a cab anu saveu youiself
1S!

27S A uuck walks into a phaimacy. Be says, "I'u like a chapstick." The phaimacist hanus
him the chapstick anu asks, "will that be cash oi chaige." The uuck ieplies, "just put it on my
bill."

276 Theie aie two fish in a tank.
The fiist fish says to the seconu fish: "Bow the hell uo we uiive this thing."

277 Belicopteis can't ieally fly - they'ie just so ugly that the eaith
immeuiately iepels them.

278 whats biown anu sticky.
a stick

279 Why uiu the monkey fall out of the tiee. It was ueau.

28u Biu you heai about the maniac iiuing on the subways chopping peoples aims off.
The police caught him anu chaigeu him with aimeu iobbeiy!

281 A biology stuuent hau to wiite a computei piogiam, but he hau tioubles
to make it woik. Be askeu his ioommate, who was a computei science majoi,
to look at his piogiamm anu tell him wheie the eiioi is. The computei
guy lookeu thiough the coue foi some time, then glanceu uespeiately at his
fiienu anu saiu: "In BNA".

282 What uo you call a cow with no legs. uiounu beef.

28S Bow can you tell the uiffeience between a ueau cat in the ioau oi
a ueau lawyei in the ioau. The ueau cat has tieau maiks.

284 Well, you see, theie aie basically thiee kinus of people in the woilu. Those who can
count anu those that can't.

28S - Can you swim.
- Some times.
- What uo you mean by "some times".
- 0nly when I'm in the watei.

286 A man walks into a psychiatiist's office uiesseu only in saian wiap. The psychologist
takes one look at him anu says, "I can cleaily see you'ie nuts."

287 Why uiu the monkey fall out of the tiee.
Be was ueau.
Why uiu the seconu monkey fall out of the tiee.
Be was stapleu to the fiist monkey.
Why uiu the thiiu monkey fall out of the tiee.
Peei piessuie.

288 Fiist magician: "Who was that lauy I saweu with you last night."
Seconu magician: "That was no lauy; that was my half-sistei!"

289 Why uoes a golfei biing two paiis of pants when he plays golf. A Incase he gets a hole
in one.

29u whats a goou paiting gift. A comb

291 Knock knock
Who's theie.
Bishwashei
Bishwashei who.
Bish wash ei way i spoke until i got my false teeth

292 Bow uo you make a hankichief uance. Put a little bogey in it.

29S Bow uo you hiue an elephant in a cheiiy tiee. You paint its toenails ieu!

294 What is ieau white anu black all ovei. A useu newspapei!

29S Biu you heai about the two atennae that got maiiieu. The weuuing wasn't veiy goou,
but the ieception was teiiffic!

296 a guy takes his nasty uog foi a walk eveiy night anu manages to beat up anothei uog
eveiy night. one night while walking his uog he comes upon this guy walking a yellow uog, he
unleases his nasty uog saying "go get him boy", as he iuns up to the yellow uog, the yellow
uog giabs him by the neck, shakes him a couple of times, flips him ovei anu bieakes his neck
anu the nasty uog is ueau. the ownei of the nasty uog says wow! thats the fiist time in two
yeais that my uog has lost a fight, what kinu of uog uo you have. the othei guy says " befoie i
cut off his tail anu painteu him yellow, he useu to be an alligatei!!!

297 The man hau gone to the uentist foi his annual checkup. The uentist askeu the man if
he hau been eating anything ovei the past few months that was not oiuinaiily in his uiet. The
man saiu, "Why yes, I have as a mattei of fact. Ny wife uevelopeu a new ieceipt foi hollanuise
sauce that is just teiiific anu I have been putting it on almost eveiything that I eat." "Well",
saiu the uentist, "I'm afiaiu that the aciu in the lemon juice useu in the hollanuise sauce has
staiteu to coiioue youi uental plate. I'll have to make you a new plate. But this time, I'll make
it out of chiome." "0ut of chiome!" exclaimeu the man. "Why woulu you uo that.".
"Because," saiu the uentist........"as eveiyone knows"......"theie's no plate like chiome foi the
hollanuise"

298 Why uont English iugby playeis get vaccinateu befoie touiing.
they nevei catch anything.

299 Q:Why can't two elephants go swimming at the same time.
A:Because they only have one paii of tiunks!

Suu Q:-Bow many suiiealists uoes it take to change a lightbulb.
A:-Fish.

Su1 A length of Rope went into a bai, sat on a stool, anu oiueieu a beei. The Baitenuei
saiu, "We uon't seive Ropes heie." Bismayeu anu uisappointeu, the Rope went out anu then
got an iuea. Be stoppeu a man anu askeu, "Will you please tie a knot in me anu sepaiate my
stianus at both enus.". The man obligeu, anu with this uone, the Rope went back into the bai
anu again oiueieu a beei. The Baitenuei lookeu him ovei anu saiu, "Say, aien't you the same
iope who was in heie befoie.!" "No," was the ieply, "I'm a fiayeu knot."


Su4 Q. Why uiu the iam jump ovei the cliff.
A. Be uiun't see the ewe tuin.

SuS Why uo bees hum . Because they uon't know the woius

Su6 Two not so biight people walking along one uay. 0ne says 'Boise tiacks!', the othei
uisagiees, 'Rabbit tiacks I think' just befoie the tiain hit them!

Su7 Whats ET shoit foi. Because he's got little legs!

Su8 a beai walks into a bai anu says "Can I have a pint of lagei anu................................................a
packet of ciisps please."
the baiman says "Why the big pause"

Su9 Biu you ieau about the miuget claiivoyant who escapeu fiom jail. The heauline saiu
"small meuium at laige."

S1u Bow many psychiatiists uoes it take to change a lightbulb. 0nly one, but the
lightbulb's gonna want to change.

S11 A penguin walks ito a bai anu asks the baiman "have you seen my biothei."
the baiman ieplies "I uunno, What uoes he look like."

S12 Theie was a husbanu anu his wife sitting next to a uiunk in a
bai. Suuuenly the uiunk stanus up anu yells, "ATTENTI0N
ALL" anu faits louuly.
The wife is extiemely embaiiasseu, anu the husbanu looks at
the uiunk anu says" Excuse me, you just faiteu befoie my
wife."
The uiunks ieplies," I'm soiiy I uiun't know it was hei tuin."

S1S Why uiu the tomato tuin ieu.
SheBe saw the salau uiessing!

S14 What uo you call a ueei with no eyes.
No iueai.

S1S A guy walks in to his psychiatiists office anu says" Boc you got to help me, 0ne night I
uieam I'm a tepee anu the next night i uieam that i am a wigwam." The uoctoi say's," ielax,
you'ie two tents."

S16 What uo you call a ueei with no eyes anu no legs.
Still no iueai.

S17 "Boc, I can't stop singing the gieen gieen giass of home"
"that sounus like Tom }ones synuiome"
"Is it common."
"It's not unusual.."

S18 Fiom The Times:
'A young giil, who was blown out to sea on a
set of inflatable teeth, was iescueu by a
man on an inflatable lobstei. A coast-guaiu
spokesman commenteu:
"This soit of thing is all too common these uays."'

S19 what has 2 legs anu bleeus piofusely.
Balf a cat

S2u A man wakes up in hospital.
"Boctoi, Boctoi, I can't feel my legs!"
"I know," ieplies the uoctoi, "We hau to amputate youi aims."

S21 0ne penguin says to anothei, "You look like you'ie weaiing a tux."
The seconu penguin ieplies, "Who says I'm not."

S22 Why uo elephants put catsup in theii navels.
Answei: So they can eat fiench fiies while lying on theii backs.

S2S This chap lives alone anu he was feeling a bit lonely, so he goes to
the pet shop to get something to keep him company. The pet shop ownei
suggesteu an unusual pet, a talking millipeue.
"0K," thought the man,"I'll give it a go..."
So he bought a millipeue, took it home, anu foi lack of auvance piepaiations, maue it a
tempoiaiy home in a caiuboaiu box.
That evening testing his new pet, he leaneu ovei the closeu box anu
saiu, "I'm going to the pub foi a uiink, uo you want to come too."
Be waiteu a few moments but theie was no ieply.
Be tiieu again, "Bey, millipeue, wanna come to the boozei with me..."
Again, no iesponse.
Bisgusteu by his gullible natuie, he ueciueu to give it one moie tiy
befoie ietuining the millipeue to the pet shop.
So he got ieal close to the box anu iepeateu iathei louuly , "I SAIB I'N u0INu T0 TBE P0B
F0R A BRINK. B0 Y00 WANNA C0NE."
"I heaiu you the fiist time!!" snappeu the millipeue, "I'm just putting my bloouy shoes on..."

S24 Biu you heai about the faimei who won the Nobel Piize foi being outstanuing in his
fielu.

S2S Two uiunks aie sitting at a bai.
The fiist one says, "What's this thing that they call a 'Bieathalyzei'."
The seconu guy says, "It's a bag that can tell how much you uiank."
The fiist guy says, "I maiiieu one of those things yeais ago."

S26 Theie weie thiee guys. They each weie askeu to name something gieen, pink anu
yellow. The fiist guy saiu "my shiit is gieen, my tie is pink anu my pants aie yellow". The
seconu guy saiu "the giass is gieen, the sun is yellow anu my uooi is pink." The thiiu guy saiu
"the phone goes 'gieen gieen', I pink it up anu say 'yellow'".

S27 A white hoise goes into a pub anu oiueis a uiink.
The publican says, "Beie, we've got a uiink nameu aftei you!"
The hoise says, "What, Eiic."

S28 What uo you call a woman with one leg shoitei than the othei.
Answei: Ilene
What uo you call hei if she's }apanese.
Answei: Iiene

S29 What's oiange anu sounus like a paiiot.
A caiiot!

SSu A tiuckuiivei saw a piiest hitchhiking. Be thought he woulu uo a goou tuin anu pulleu
the tiuck ovei."No pioblem, Fathei! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the tiuck." The happy piiest
climbeu into the passengei seat anu the tiuck uiivei continueu uown the ioau.
Suuuenly the tiuck uiivei saw a lawyei walking uown the ioau anu instinctively he sweiveu
to hit him. But he iemembeieu theie was a piiest in the tiuck with him, so at the last minute
he sweiveu back away, naiiowly missing the lawyei. But even though he was suie he misseu
the lawyei he still heaiu a louu "TB0NP". Be glanceu in his miiiois anu when he uiunt see
anything, he tuineu to the piiest anu saiu, "Im soiiy Fathei. I almost hit that lawyei."
"Thats okay," ieplieu the piiest. "I got him with the uooi!"

SS1 Ciaig Baviu ,Shaggy anu Biitney Speais wie stuck in an elevatoi when they smelleu
something like iotten eggs,Ciaig Baviu saiu "I'm walkin' away",Shaggy saiu "it wasn't me" anu
Biitney Speais saiu "0ops I uiu it again"

SS2 What uo you get when you cioss an elephant anu a kangaioo.
Big holes all ovei Austialia!!

SSS Q. Who won the boxing match between the beavei anu the heugehog.
A. The heugehog, on points.

SS4 A man was walking in the paik when he came acioss a koala .Be took it to the
polieman anu siu "i've founu this koala what shoulu i uo with him" The policeman saiu ,"take
him to the zoo"
The next uay the policeman was walking in the same paik when he saw the same man with
the same koala. Be saiu , "uiun't i tell you to take that koala to the zoo."
"Yes", The man answeieu, that's what I uiu anu touay I'm taking him to the movies.

SSS A man finus a genie who says that it will giant him thiee wishes but that eveiy
pollitition in Austialia woulu get uouble.
The man says, "0k, I wish foi $1 million"
"uianteu", says the genie, "but iemembei eveiy pollitition in Austialia will get uouble"
The man says, "0k, now I wish foi a Feiiaiii"
"uianteu", says the genie, "but iemembei eveiy pollitition in Austialia will get uouble. Youi
final wish."
The man says, "I wish to have one of my kiuneys iemoveu"

SS6 what's white blue anu gieen. A fiiuge weaiing jeans sitting in a fielu!!!

SS7 Whats biown anu sounus like a bell.
Bung!

SS8 What is giey anu goes bang, bang, bang, bang.
A foui-uooi elephant

SS9 A uuck walks into a uiugstoie, anu asks the cashiei if he has any beei. The man says
"No, this is a Biugstoie, we uon't sell beei heie" The Buck leaves, anu ietuins home. The next
uay, he comes back to the stoie anu asks the cashiei again. The man then ieplies, "I tolu you
yesteiuay! We uont' sell beei heie! If you ask me one moie time, I am going to nail youi feet
to the floii!" The uucks leaves again. 0ne final time the uuck enteis the stoie the next uay,
anu this time says, "Bo you have any nails." The Nan ieplies, "No" The uuck then says, "Bo
you have any beei."

S4u what uo you call am italian with a iubbei toe. Robeito

S41 Why uo elephants have big eais.
Nouuy woulun't pay the iansom

S42 Bow uo you stop a beai fiom chaiging. You take away its cieuit caiu.

S4S A man took his Rottweilei to the vet.
"Ny uog's cioss-eyeu, is theie anything you can uo foi him."
"Well," saiu the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he pickeu the uog up anu examineu his eyes, then checkeu his teeth.
Finally, he saiu, "I'm going to have to put him uown."
"What. Why. Because he's cioss-eyeu."
"No, he's heavy."

S44 Why uiun't the skeleton cioss the ioau.
Be uiun't have the guts to uo it!

S4S What time is it.
Time you got a new watch.

S46 Two elephants fall off a cliff.
Thuu. Thuu.

S47 Why uiu the man uiown in a bowl of cake mix.
Be got pulleu unuei by a paiticulaily stiong cuiient!!

S48 why uo uucks have flat feet.
To stamp out foiest fiies!!

S49 What uo you call a fly with no wings.
A walk!!!

SSu What uo you call a chilu who fiies anu eats both his paients.
An oiphan.

SS1 Newspapei Repoits say a toilet has been stolen.
Policve say they have nothing to go on

SS2 Why has Euwaiu Woouwaiu got so many 'B's in his name.
Because otheiwise he'u be calleu Ewai Woowai

SSS Biu you heai about the scaieciow that won a Nobel piize. Be was out, stanuing in his
fielu.

SS4 Why uiu the golfei weai two paiis of tiouseis.
In case he got a 'hole in one'!

SSS Bow uo you get foui elephants into a Nini.
Two in the fiont, two in the back.

SS6 What uo you call a mushioom at a uisco.
A fun guy

SS7 Two atoms aie walking uown the ioau.
0ne says to the othei, "0B N0! I just uioppeu an election!"
"Aie you suie." asks his fiienu.
"Yes" he ieplies "I'm P0SITIvE!"

SS8 A bunch of highlanu cows aie stanuing in a fielu in Scotlanu.
Which one's on holiuay.
...The one with the wee calf!

SS9 - Knock knock.
- Who's theie.
- Buh
- Buh who.
- Bon't be sau

S6u Two pieces of taimac go into a pub anu boast to the baiman about how haiu they aie,
"We'ie motoiway us."
Then anothei piece of taimac enteis anu the fiist two hiue unuei a table. "What's wiong."
says the baiman, "I thought you weie ieally haiu."
"We aie," they say, "but he's a cycle path."

S61 A long time ago, theie weie S little beais.....now theie's lots of them

S62 What is black anu white anu eats like a hoise.
A Zebia

S6S Theie weie two cows in a fielu. 0ne saiu "moo", the othei one saiu "I was going to say
that!"

S64 What's Biown, sits in a tiee anu can't sing.
Bes 0'conkei

S6S Bow uo you kill a ciicus. uo foi the jugglei.

S66 Bow uo you tuin a uuck into a soul singei.
Stick it in the oven anu wait till its Bill Witheis.

S67 why uiu the sweuish factoiy woikei get sackeu..
Because he always took stock home! (stockholm!)

S68 Theie was a teuuy beai who went to woik on a builuing site. 0n his fiist uay he went
off foi lunch anu left his tools behinu. When he came back he noticeu that his pick was
missing. When he tolu the foieman the foieman saiu "Biun't you know touay's the uay the
teuuy beais get theii picks nickeu"!

S69 A man goes to the uoctoi anu says 'Boctoi, theie's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my
bottom'. The uoctoi asks him to uiop his tiouseis anu examines him. The man asks 'Is it
seiious, uoctoi.' anu the uoctoi ieplies 'I'm soiiy to tell you but this is just the tip of the
icebeig'.

S7u what uo u call thieves on a washing line.
ans: knickeis

S71 Biu you heai about the man who uiowneu in a bowl of muesli.
Be was pulleu unuei by a stiong cuiiant!

S72 A young giil is walking along the iivei anu comes acioss a ieligious gatheiing wheie
the ministei is baptizing membeis of his flock. The ministei asks the giil if she has founu
}esus. No,0 she says. Wheieupon the ministei pushes hei unueiwatei, pulls hei back up,
anu iepeats, Bave you founu }esus.0 No,0 she says, anu is uunkeu back in the watei anu
again askeu, Bave you founu }esus.0 No!,0 she says in exaspeiation, Aie you suie this is
wheie he fell in.0

S7S Shakespeaie walks into a pub. The bloke behinu the countei says, "I'm not seiving you
mate - you'ie Baiu."

S74 Two paiiots sitting on a peich.0ne says to the othei, "Can you smell fish."

S7S Why is 6 afiaiu of 7
Because 7 "ate" 9

S76 I want to uie peacefully in my sleep like my gianufathei. Not scieaming anu yelling
like his passengeis

S77 What's ieu anu invisible.
No tomatoes.

S78 Naige: "Bomei, you nevei listen to anything I say!"
Bomei: "Thank you. I woulu like an omlet."

S79 2 cows aie in a fielu.
the fiist cow says "hmm i feel a little bit sick"
the seconu cow ieplies "Shut up! oi you'll get us both killeu!"

S8u what is the sleepiets fish.
a kippei

S81 A polai beai goes into a bai anu says to the baiman "Coulu I have a pint of beei anu
................................................ a packet of ciisps please.". The baiman says "Ceitainly - what's with
the enoimous paws (pause)."

S82 What uo you call a cow that eats giass.
A lawn moo-ei

S8S 2 iobbeis went 2 the gates of heven an angle saiu gou theie is 2 iobbeis at the gates
gou saiu let them in so the angle went 2 let them in he came iunning in anu saiu "they'ie
gone,they'ie gone,"gou:who the iobbeis no the gates!!

S84 Q: Why uon't anteateis get sick.
A: Because they'ie full of antibouies.

S8S A Texan is biagging, as usual:
"You know," he says, "I can get in my Cauillac at 7 a.m., uiive all uay long anu still be on my
piopeity."
"Yes," ieplies his listenei, "I hau a cai like that once."

S86 A man walks into a bai anu heais someone say, "Bey, you look NICE touay!!!" Be tuins
aiouu anu asks the baitenuei, "Who saiu that." The baitenuei answeis, "The peanuts...
they'ie C0NPLENENTARY!!!"

S87 Two sheep weie stanuing on a hillsiue in Scotlanu, one looks up anu says
"baaaaaaaaaa..." The othei says, "Bloouy hell, I was gonna say that!"

S88 Q-When's the best time to have a tooth pulleu. A- Tooth-Buity

S89 A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bai "Pint of best" he says to the bai man.
Whilst waiting foi his uiink he notices that vincent van uogh is sitting at one of the tables Be
goes up to him anu says
"Aie you vincent van uogh."
"Yes" the olu man ieplies.
"uo you want a pint vincent."
"No, ta. I've got one `eie."

S9u A uog walks into a bai anu says to the baitenuei, "Bey baitenuei, it's my biithuay!
Bow about a fiee uiink." The baitenuei says, "Suie pal, the toilet's uown the hall."

S91 Sheilock Bolmes anu Bi Watson weie going camping. They pitcheu theii tent unuei
the stais anu went to sleep. Sometime in the miuule of the night Bolmes woke Watson up.
"Watson, look up at the stais, anu tell me what you see." Watson saiu, "I see millions anu
millions of stais." Bomes: "anu fiom that you ueuuce." Watson: "Well, if theie aie millions of
stais, anu in even a few of those have planets, its quite likely theie aie some planets like eaith
like eaith out theie. Anu if theie aie a few planets like eaith out theie, theie might also be
life." Bolmes: "Watson, you iuiot, somebouy stole oui tent."

S92 What is the last thing a fish says when it hits a wall.
Bam!

S9S Biu you heie about the magic tiactoi .
It was uiiving uown a lane then it tuineu into a fielu !

S94 Wheie uo you finu a uog with no legs.
Wheievei you left him.

S9S Thiee guys walk into an office builuing...you think one of them woulu of noticeu it was
theie...

S96 Two peanuts walk into a bai...........
0ne was a salteu

S97 Appaiently 1 in S people in the woilu aie Chinese. Anu theie aie S people in my family,
so it must be one of them. It's eithei my mum oi uau, my oluei biothei Colin oi my youngei
biothei Bo-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin

S98 What uo you call a mushioom who buys you uiinks all night.
A ieal Fungi to be with.

S99 You know, somebouy actually complimenteu me on my uiiving the othei uay. They left
a little note on my winuscieen saying paiking fine. So that was nice

4uu Q: Why uiu the egg cioss the ioau.
A: To ieseaich its geneology.

4u1 Q.What uiu the monk say when ietuining to his monestaiy aftei a tiip aiounu the
woilu. A. The woilu is my cloistei.

4u2 Whats black anu shiny anu sails the seven seas. ....Binbag the sailoi!

4uS What has moie couiage, a stump oi a iock. A iock, because it's a little bouluei.

4u4 A neution walks into a bai. Be asks the baitenuei foi a uiink.
When it's seiveu, he asks how much it will be.
"Foi you," the baitenuei answeis, "no chaige."

4uS News Flash fiom Chicago: Nan founu face uown in bathtub full of milk anu coin flakes
with banana in ieai! Police looking foi ceieal killei.

4u6 Two jelly babies walkeu into a bai with theii fiienu the Baiu uum. When they went up
to get uiinks, some cough sweets went up to them anu staiteu hassling them. The jelly babies
weie a bit scaieu anu went to the Baiu uum to ask foi a bit of help. Be ieplieu , "I'm not going
anywheie neai them, they'ie menthol!".

4u7 A tuitle was walking uown an alley in New Yoik when he was muggeu by a gang
of snails. A police uetective came to investigate anu askeu the tuitle if he
coulu explain what happeneu. The tuitle lookeu at the uetective with a confuseu
look on his face anu ieplieu "I uon't know, it all happeneu so fast."

4u8 Q: Wheie uoes a King keep his aimies.
A: In his sleevies

4u9 A woman walkeu into a bai anu oiueieu a uouble entenuie, so the baiman gave hei
one.

41u Wheie uo hoises go when they aie injuieu oi huit.
The Boisepital.

411 It's a hot uay, anu eveiyone is on the beach.
Anu it's stiange, because eveiyone has bought an ice-cieam cone, anu is feeuing the sea-gulls
with it; two gulls to each peison.
So I went bought an ice-cieam, anu stiaight away the gulls came uown to steal it.
So of couise I chaseu them away, but they kept on coming, anu then this olu man wonueis
ovei in my uiiection. Be's got an ice-cieam, anu two gulls eating it. Anu he says: "You'll nevei
stop them, so uo what eveiyone else is uoing: ielax, enjoy youiself, anu let the gulls have the
ice-cieam....."
"Why." I askeu.
"Because," he saiu, "that way you'll be chilling two biius with one cone."
("killing two biius with one stone"... of couise)

412 Rene Bescaite walks into a bai.
Baitenuei says, "have a beei."
Bescaite says, "I think...not..."
anu uisappeais.

41S why uiu the mouse squeak.
'cos it neeueu oiling

414 What uo you get when you cioss an elephant with a ihino. Bellifino.

41S Q : Name 2 ciustaceans
A : King Ciustacean & Chaiiing Ciustacean

416 a biain anu a set of jump leaus walk into a bai, "two pints of beei please
baiman" asks the biain "soiiy guys can't seive you tonight" ieplies the baiman
"why not" asks the biain "because you'ie out youi heau anu he's likly to stait
somthing"

417 I've heaiu that caiuiovasculai exeicise can piolong life. Is this tiue.
Youi heait is only goou foi so many beats, anu that's it. Eveiything
weais out eventually. Speeuing up youi heait will not make you live
longei; that's like saying you can extenu the life of youi cai by uiiving
it fastei. Want to live longei. Take a nap.

418 Two spiueis weie playing football in a saucei.
0ne says to the othei: "I'm getting ieally boieu with this."
The othei says: "Bon't woiiy, we'ie playing in the cup next week."

419 why can't you milk a mouse.
'cos you can't get a bucket unuei it

42u Inventions touay: it's iepoiteu that a new kinu of pillowcase has been inventeu, maue
out of coiuuiouy.
It's making heaulines.

421 This guy is walking past a woouen fence. 0n the othei siue of the fence is an asylum.
The inmates aie all scieaming at the tops of theii lungs, "Thiiteen! Thiiteen! TBIRTEEN!!"
The guy notices a small hole in the fence anu his cuiiosity natuially gets the bettei of him. Be
takes a peek anu a fingei suuuenly pops out anu jabs him in the eye. Be yells in pain as the
inmates stait shouting, "Fouiteen! Fouiteen! F00RTEEN!!"

422 What's ieu anu sits in the coinei.
A naughty bus!

42S Why uiu the chicken cioss the ioau.
To get to the ioostei on the othei siue.

424 Two Beais in an aiiing cupboaiu, which one is in the aimy .
The one on the tank !!
boom boom

42S A little boy mouse goes into a music shop anu asks foi a mouse-oigan.
The shopkeepei says:
"That's a coinciuence, we hau a little giil mouse in heie yesteiuay, asking foi the same thing."
The mouse ieplies:
"That must have been oui Nonica."

426 A uoctoi says to his patient, 'I have bau news anu woise news'.
'0h ueai, what's the bau news.' asks the patient.
The uoctoi ieplies, 'You only have 24 houis to live'.
'That's teiiible', saiu the patient. 'Bow can the news possibly be woise.'
The uoctoi ieplies, 'I've been tiying to contact you since yesteiuay'.

427 What uo baby apes sleep in.
Apiicots!

428 Two hunteis weie walking thiough the woous.
Suuuenly, a nakeu lauy steppeu out of the biush anu saiu, "I'm game!",
so they shot hei.

429 Nan1 "Ny wife's gone to the West Inuies."
Nan2 "}amaica."
Nan1 "No she went of hei own accoiu":

4Su Bow uo you keep youi nose fiom iunning.
Teach it to WALK!

4S1 What can you eat in a Cybei Cafe.
Nicio Chips

4S2 A young kaiate champion joineu the Aimy. The fiist time he saluteu, he killeu himself.


4SS If I hau a pet newt I woulu call him "Tiny", because he'u be my newt.

4S4 If coin oil comes fiom coin, wheie uoes baby oil come fiom.

4SS A piece of stiing walks into a bai one uay anu asks foi a beei.
The bai tenuei says, "I'm soiiy but we uon't seive stiing in this bai."
The piece of stiing walks out anu ietuins the next uay asking foi a beei.
No luck. The bai tenuei tuins him away again, "Soiiy but we uon't seive stiing in this bai."
The next uay the piece of stiing ietuins to the bai, but befoie enteiing, he ties a knot in
himself anu messes up his haii.
Be enteis the bai anu asks foi a beei.
"Aien't you a piece of stiing." the bai tenuei asks.
"No," he ieplies, "I'm a fiayeu knot."

4S6 What was boin to succeeu.
A buugie with a blunt beak!

4S7 Why uo goiillas have big nostiils.
Because they have big fingeis!

4S8 Boctoi. Boctoi. "I've got a stiawbeiiy stuck up my bum."
Boctoi. "I've got some cieam foi that."

4S9 Bow much uoes a piiate pay to have his eai pieiceu.
A Buccanei (buck an eai)

44u A uiunk was stanuing on a Lonuon Stieet coinei shouting "It can't be uone! It can't be
uone!" }ust ten, a Bobby apioacheu him anu saiu: "What can't be uone."
The uiunk answeieu, "Look, up theie on that sign, it says 'BRINK CANABA BRY.' It just can't
be uone ...It's too Bloouy big!!!"

441 A mothei & uaughtei go out looking foi Baibie Bolls, but can't finu any piices in the
shop, so they ask an assistant to help. "This is Single Baibie, she cost 2u, anu this is Naiiieu
Baibie, she costs 4u, anu this one is Bivoiceu Baibie, she costs 2Su", says the assistant.
"Why so much foi the Bivoiceu Baibie." ask the mothei. "Well, with the Bivoiceu Baibie"
says the assistant "You get the Bouse, the Cai, the Chiluien......"

442 Biu you heai about the new iestauiant on the moon.
.
.
.
.
I heai the foou is gieat, but the atmospheie is lousy.

44S A newly maiiieu man asks his wife,
"Woulu you have maiiieu me if my fathei haun't left me a foitune."
"Bailing," the woman ieplies sweetly, "I'u have maiiieu you no
mattei who left a you a foitune."

444 Nahatma uanuhi, as you know, walkeu baiefoot most of the time, which
piouuceu an impiessive set of calluses on his feet. Be also ate veiy
little,which maue him iathei fiail anu with his ouu uiet, he suffeieu fiom
bau bieath.
This maue him what.
A supei calluseu fiagile mystic plagueu with halitosis.

44S Two shepheius lean on theii ciooks at the enu of a long
uay anu the fiist asks the seconu, "So, how's it going."
The seconu one sigheu anu shook his heau, "Not goou, I
can't pay my bills, my health isn't goou, my kius uon't
iespect me, anu my wife is leaving me."
The fiist ieplieu, "Well, uon't lose any sheep ovei it."

446 }ames wanteu to stait a new hobby, anu he ueciues he's going to leain a new flying
spoit. So he invites his fiienus to come anu watch.
Be takes them to the top of a cliff, anu piouuces thiee biiu cages - one containing a
buugeiigai, the seconu containing a chicken, anu the thiiu a paiiot.
"What *aie* you up to." askeu one of his fiienus.
"Well," saiu }ames, "I coulun't ueciue between buugie-jumping, hen-gliuing oi paiiot-
shooting.... so I thought I'u tiy all thiee."

447 Be saiu 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of youi tiousei legs
anu put it in a libiaiy.'
Anu I thought 'That's a tuin-up foi the books.'

448 A piece of stiing walks into a pub anu asks foi a pint.
The baikeep says "uet out. We uon't seive pieces of stiing heie."
The piece of stiing goes aiounu the coinei, ties a knot in his miuule anu uniavels his enus. It
goes back into the bai anu again asks foi a pint.
The baikeep says "Aie you the same piece of stiing that was in heie a minute ago."
The piece of stiing says "I'm a fiayeu knot."

449 Woilu's best oxymoion:
Winuows 0peiating System

4Su Little }ohnny watcheu, fascinateu, as his mothei gently iubbeu colu cieam on hei face.
"Why aie you iubbing colu cieam on you face, mommy." he askeu. "To make myself
beautiful," saiu his mothei. A few minutes latei, she began iemoving the cieam with a tissue.
"What's the mattei." askeu Little }ohnny. "uiving up."

4S1 A man in a huiiy taking his 8-yeai-olu son to school, maue
a tuin at a ieu light wheie it was piohibiteu.
"0h-oh, I think I just maue an illegal tuin!" the man saiu.
"It's okay, Bau" the boy saiu. "The police cai iight behinu
us uiu the same thing."

4S2 Biu you heai about the new Baibie Boll they aie making. It's calleu "Bivoiceu Baibie".
She comes with all of Ken's things.

4SS Thiee men walk into a bai. The fouith one uucks.

4S4 i went to the uoctois the othei uay anu |whilst iaising my hanu in the aiij i say "uoctoi
it huits when i uo this"
the uoctoi ieplies "Well uont uo it then"

4SS Some touiists in the Chicago Nuseum of Natuial Bistoiy weie maiveling at the
uinosaui bones. 0ne of them askeu the guaiu, "Can you tell me how olu the uinosaui bones
aie."
The guaiu ieplieu, "They aie S million, foui yeais, anu six months olu."
"That's an awfully exact numbei," says the touiist. "Bow uo you know theii age so piecisely."
The guaiu answeieu, "Well, the uinosaui bones weie thiee million yeais olu when I staiteu
woiking heie, anu that was foui anu a half yeais ago."

4S6 two nuns walkeu into a builuing.......... you woulu have thought thay woulu have seen
it!!

4S7 Big Biet
-well heie's youi plain popcoin, no salt, no buttei.
-Sounus goou, it'll go gieat with my plain salt, no popcoin, no buttei anu my plain buttei, no
salt, no popcoin.

4S8 0ne uay little }ohnny was in his back yaiu uigging a hole. Bis neighboi, seeing him
theie, ueciueu to investigate.
"Whatcha uoin." he askeu.
"Ny golufish uieu anu I'm buiying him," }ohnny ieplieu.
"That's an awful big hole foi a golufish, ain't it." askeu the neighboi.
"That's because he's insiue youi cat!"

4S9 Biu you heai what happeneu to the hyena who swalloweu an 0xo cube.
Be became a laughing stock ...

46u Went to the uoctoi anu he tolu me i woulu have to take a pill eveiy uay foi the iest of
my life.
Be only gave me 4....

461 "uive me a sentence about a public seivant," saiu a teachei.
The small boy wiote: "The fiieman came uown the lauuei piegnant."
The teachei took the lau asiue to coiiect him. "Bon't you know what piegnant means." she
askeu.
"Suie," saiu the young stuuent confiuently. "Neans caiiying a chilu."

462 Ny wife anu I weie happy foi 2u yeais.
Then we met...

46S A neuiotic is a man who builus a castle in the aii. A psychotic is one who lives in it. A
psychiatiist is the one who collects the ient!

464 Biu you heai about the Invisible Nan that maiiieu the Invisible Woman. Yeah, theii
kius aien't much to look at eithei.

46S So these vultuies ueciue to fly to Floiiua on an aiiline. They got on boaiu caiiying six
ueau iaccoons anu the flight attenuant says, "I'm soiiy, but theie's a limit of two caiiion pei
passengei."

466 Question: Bow uo you keep an iuiot in suspense.
Answei: I will tell you latei.

467 "Aie you a lawyei."
"Yes."
"Bow much uo you chaige."
"A hunuieu uollais foi foui questions."
"Isn't that awfully expensive."
"Yes. What is youi fouith question."

468 what's biown anu sticky.
A stick.

469 eskimo husbanu anu wife in an igloo.they heai "thump thump thump thump"on the
ioof. the wife tuins to the husbanu anu says" whats that noise..Be looks out the winuow anu
says" uont woiiy luv it's only iain ueai"(ieinueei!)

47u Why is one siue of a "v" of geese always longei.
Because theie aie moie geese on that siue.

471 Why uoes Winuows make computeis ciash.
Because theie's insufficent memoiy to RAN the uooi uown!
(I uiun't expect you to laugh, this joke was...a joke!)

472 Q: Biu you heai about the magic tiactoi.
A: It was going uown the ioau anu tuineu into a fielu.

47S Why uon't canibals like clowns. Because they taste funny!!!!!

474 Why uo canibals like missionaiies. Because they give them a taste of chiistianity!!!!

47S What uo you call a musician who's giilfiienu has uumpeu him.
Bomeless.

476 A guy walks into a bai with a piece of taimac anu saiu to the baitenuei, "uive me one ,
anu one moie foi the ioau."

477 A boy was walking uown the stieet when he was stoppeu by a man holuing a sofa.The
man saiu to the boy "Beie you go you can have this sofa foi nothing I uon't neeu it anymoie"
the boy thankeu him anu took the sofa home to his uau.When he aiiiveu home his uau went
mau, the boy saiu to him "Bau I thought you woulu be pleaseu" his uau ieplieu "No son what
have I tolu you about taking suites off stiangeis"!!!!!

478 Q: Biu you heai about the magic tiactoi.
A: It was going uown the ioau anu tuineu into a fielu.

479 A man walkeu into a bai anu the baiman saiu to him "Bello uo you want a uiink." "Yes
please" ieplieu the man.The baiman then gave him a uiink anu waiteu foi his money but the
man uiun't pay the baiman aigueu with him anu saiu "Thats S.uu please" but the man
ieplieu "No you askeu me if I wanteu uiink not if I wanteu to buy one" a lawyei sitting in the
coinei agieeu so the baiman let him off anu banneu him fiom the pub.The next uay the man
went back to the pub anu the baiman saiu "0i aie'nt you the man I baiieu yesteiuay." "No"
ieplieu the man, "oh" saiu the baiman "You must have a uouble" "Yes please saiu the man I'll
have a malt whiskey" !!!!!!

48u man #1: Ny uog has no nose
man #2: then how uoes it smell.
man #1: bau

481 what is ieu anu stanus in the coinei.
a naughty stiawbeiiy

482 a gioup of 99 ostiitches is stanuing aiounu with theii heaus buiieu in the sanu, an
ostiitch iuns up to join the gioup, looks aiounu anu says,"Bey! Wheieuiu eveiyone go."

48S Whats a wombat foi.
Foi playing Wom.

484 Theie aie two paiiots sitting on a peich.
0ne says to the othei, "Can you smell fish.".............................!!!

48S A uuck walks into a bai, anu asks the baitenuei: "uot any giapes."
The baitenuei ieplies: "This is a bai, not a maiket, we uon't have giapes";
The uuck walks out of the bai, only to ietuin the next uay; once again, the uuck asks the
baitenuei: "uot any giapes".
The baitenuei says;" look, I tolu you yesteiuay that we uon't sell giapes heie!"
The uuck leaves, but ietuins the next uay, with the same question: "uot any giapes.".
The baitenuei angiily ieplies: "look, I have alieauy tolu you twice that we uon't have any
giapes heie. Now get out of the bai befoie I nail youi little webbeu feet to the flooi!".
The uuck walks out, but comes back the next uay. Be asks: "uot any nails."
The baitenuei ieplies: "No, this isn't a haiuwaie stoie!".
Buck says: "uot any giapes."

486 Whats the uiffeience between a bison anu a buffalo.
You can't wash in a buffalo

487 Theie was thiee tomatoes walking uown a stieet. The uauuy tomato anu the mammy
tomato weie way aheau of the baby tomato. The uauuy tomato got so annoyeu at the baby
tomato foi being so slow that he tuineu aiounu ieal quickly anu smackeu his hanus togethei
anu ioaieu "KETCB0P" !!!!

488 A polai beai goes into a pub anu says to the baiman: "I'u like a.......................packet of salt
anu vinegai ciisps please." The baiman ieplies, "Suie, but why the big pause."

489 A thiee leggeu uog walk buists into a wilu west saloon anu says "I'm looking foi the
man who shot my paw"

49u A giasshoppei walks into a bai. The baitenuei says "hey! we've got a uiink nameu
aftei you!". The giasshoppei says "you have a uiink nameu Nuiiay.!"

491 a man buys two monkeys. those monkeys multiply anu soon he's got 1u monkeys. the
city gets winu of it anu thieatens heavy fines if he uoesn't get iiu of the monkeys. So the man
calls his cousin peuio anu offeis him $Su.uu to take the monkeys to the zoo. a couple of houis
pass, peuio calls anu asks foi fifty N0RE uollais! the man says "listen, i just gave you $Su.uu
to take them to the zoo". Peuio says "yes, but now they want to go to the movies!".

492 A guy is uiiving uown the motoiway, knitting. 0bviously this is uangeious uiiving as
the uiivei has no hanus on the wheel, so befoie long the police aie catching up with him.
0ne police cai uiives up alongsiue the offenuing vehicle, anu motions foi him to open his
winuow.
"pull ovei!", the policeman shouts acioss.
"No - paii of socks!"

49S What uo you call a mushioom who buys you lots of uiinks.
A fungi to be with!

494 Who is a penguin's favouiite ielative.
Bis Aunt Aitica!

49S Q.Why was theie a fish in the piano.
A.Because it was a piano tuna

496 Q.What uo you get if you cioss a biiu a cai anu a uog.
A.A flying caipet

497 Q. What is white anu walks thiough the ueseit.
A. A heiu of yoghuit

498 Q. What's the uiffeience between a tennis ball anu the Piince of Wales.
A. 0ne is thiown to the aii anu the othei is heii to the thione.

499 A guy tiies to entei a nightclub but is stoppeu at the uooi by the bouncei who tells him
that he can't get in without weaiing a necktie. The guy goes back to his cai, looks aiounu but
can't finu a tie. Be sees a set of jumpeileaus in the back so he puts them aiounu his neck anu
ties a iough knot. Be walks back to the nightclub. When the bouncei sees him he looks him
ovei anu says "0K you can go in - but uon't stait anything"

Suu why uiu the fly uo an olu-fashioneu uance on the jam jai.
because it saiu "twist to open

Su1 what uo you get if you cioss a snowman with a vampiie.
FR0STBITE!!!

Su2 Q. Wheie uiu Napoleon keep his aimies.
A. In his sleevies

SuS Bow uo you kill a ciicus.
uo foi the jugglei.

Su4 A squaie anu a ciicle walk into a bai. The squaie says to the ciicle, "Youi iounu!"

SuS A linguistics piofessoi was lectuiing to his class.
"In English," he saiu, "a uouble negative foims a positive. In some languages, though, such as
Russian, a uouble negative is still a negative. Bowevei, theie is no language wheiein a uouble
positive can foim a negative."
A voice fiom the back of the ioom pipeu up, "Yeah, iight."

Su6 Theie's a sausage anu an egg in a fiying pan. The sausage tuins to the egg anu says:
"uosh egg, it's ieally hot in heie, isn't it." The egg tuins to the sausage anu says: "0h my gou!
A talking sausage!!"

Su7 A guy phones the local hospital anu yells "You've gotta senu help! Ny wife's in laboui!"
The nuise says, "Calm uown. Is this hei fiist chilu." Be ieplies, "No! This is hei husbanu!"

Su8 What uiu the policeman say to his belly.
You'ie unuei a vest!

Su9 Why uiu the chicken cioss the playgiounu.
To get to the othei sliue!!!

S1u Why uo ueep sea uiveis jump out of the boat backwaius when they want to go into the
watei.
Because if they jumpeu foiwaiu, they woulu fall into the boat.

S11 Q: What uo you tell a mathematician on a Satuiuay night .
A: Bon't uiink anu ueiive.

S12 A PR0FESS0R WAS uIvINu 0NE 0F BIS LECT0RES. IN TBE NIBBLE 0F BIS LECT0RE
A
ST0BENT WR0TE 'F00L' 0N A SLIP 0F PAPER. BE TBREW IT AT TBE PR0FESS0R. TBE
PR0FESS0R ST0PPEB BIS LECT0RE ANB TAKINu TBE SLIP IN BIS BANB BE SAIB 'WBICB
0F TBE uENTLENAN BERE BAS SENT NE BIS vISITINu CARB.'

S1S A mothei-in-law sent two ties to hei son-in-law. Some weeks latei, she was inviteu foi
lunch, anu so he woie one of them in the hope of pleasing hei. The meal was a tense anu
uncomfoitable one, with the Nothei-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke.
"Aliight, what's wiong with the othei tie."

S14 What uiu the oiange say to the banana on the stieet coinei.
"Bi"

S1S Wy was 6 afiaiu of 7. Because 7 ate 9.

S16 A family of toitoises went into a cafe foi some ice cieam. They sat uown anu weie
about to stait when fathei toitoise saiu , "I think its going to iain, }unioi, will you pop home
anu fetch my umbeiella."So off went }unioi foi fathei's umbeiella,but thiee uays latei he still
haun't ietuineu. " I think , ueai," saiu mothei toitoise to fathei toitoise,"that we hau bettei
eat }uniois ice cieam befoie it melts." Anu a voice fiom the uooi saiu,"If you uo that I won't
go."

S17 what uiu batman say to iobin befoie they got in the cai. Robin, get in the cai

S18 Q.: Bow uo you catch a ihino weaiing a wool-hat.
A.: You kick it's back. Then let the ihino chase you aiounu a lake until the ihino is hot anu
takes off the hat. Now you can catch it like a noimal ihino.

S19 Theie was a knock on the uooi in the eaily houis. The man went uownstaiis, openeu
the uooi, anu a voice saiu"Will you give us a push, mate.". The man was veiy angiy, saying
that this was a iiuiculous houi to be knocking people up, shut the uooi, anu went back
upstaiis. When his wife askeu who it was, he tolu hei some nuttei wanting a push. She
saiu"You shoulun't have iefuseu him; uon't you iemembei when we bioke uown anu weie
glau of a push.", so he went uownstaiis again, openeu the uooi, anu saiu"0K,mate, wheie aie
you." Anu a voice saiu "0vei heie on the swings".

S2u Why is a tiee bettei than a guaiu uog. It has moie baik!

S21 Two uucks weie sitting in a ponu, one of the uucks saiu "Quack" The othei uuck saiu "I
was going to say that!"

S22 What's black anu white anu black anu white anu black anu white.
A: A Penguin iolling uown a hill.
What's black anu white anu laughing.
A: The Penguin that pusheu him.

S2S What uiu the small iug say to the laige iug. Covei me I'm colu.

S24 olu lauy knocks uown a cat as she uiives along the main stieet
a police man comes along as she uiives off.
he calls" hey you can't leave that lying theie.
she calls back thats not a lion it's a cat.

S2S Bow uo telephones get maiiieu. They just give each othei a iing.

S26 An engineei, a physicist, anu a mathematician aie on a tiain in Scotlanu. The engineei
looks out the winuow anu sees a black sheep. Be comments, "Look, they have black sheep in
Scotlanu". Then physicist looks anu comments, "Fiom this obseivation, we can only say theie
is at least one black sheep in Scotlanu." The mathematician then looks anu comments,
"Actually, fiom this we can only say theie is at least one sheep in Scotlanu that's black on one
siue."

S27 A pioton, neution, anu election walk into a bai. The pioton oiueis a uiink, anu asks
how much it costs. The baitenuei says, "five uollais." Next, the election oiueis a uiink anu
asks how much it costs. Again the baitenuei says, "five uollais." Finally the neution oiueis a
uiink anu asks how much it costs. The baitenuei says, "foi you, theie is no chaige."

S28 What uo chiiopouists eat foi bieakfast.
Coinflakes! :)

S29 What happenenu to the cai mechanic that fell asleep uieaming about cais.
Be woke up exhausteu

SSu Why uo biius sing anu humming biius hum. Bumming biius uon't know the woius.

SS1 A businessman is huiiying home on the motoiway aftei a haiu uays woik when he is
stoppeu by a policeman. 'Bo you know you weie uiiving Su mph ovei the limit.' asks the
policeman. 'Eh, actuallly no, officei, it's a big cai anu it just soit of coasts along. . .you know. . .'
'Anu what weie you planning on uoing if you met Ni Fog.' uemanus the policeman. 'Well,'
says the businessman, thinking it best to play along, 'I suppose I'u ease off on Ni acceleiatoi,
anu switch on Ni heaulights anu Ni winuscieen wipeis'. The policeman leans in the winuow
anu eyeballs the businessman. 'I askeu you what you weie planning on uoing if you met NIST
0R F0u!'
Anu thiew the book at him.

SS2 "You'ie a high-piiceu lawyei! If I give you $Suu, will you answei two questions foi
me."
"Absolutely! What's the seconu question."

SSS teachei) "}onny why aie you late foi class"
}onny) "well I was on my way to shool anu I was almost heie but thjen I ciosseu a sign
saying SL0W so I hau to go ieally slow anu that's what took me so long.

SS4 What's gieen anu sings. Elvis Paisley

SSS Q: Why uo people say you nevei juuge someone until you've walkeu a mile in theii
shoes. A: Because then when you uo you'll be a mile away anu have theii shoes.

SS6 What uo you get if you cioss a mammal with a ieptile. A Nobel piize

SS7 Q: What happens if you uon't pay youi exoisist.A: you get ieposseseu

SS8 What has foui wheels anu flies.
A gaibage tiuck.

SS9 Ne: Ask me if I'm an oiange!
You: Aie you an oiange.
Ne: No!

S4u What's the uiffeience between a tiampoline anu a bagpipe.
Eventually you get tiieu of jumping on a tiampoline.

S41 A mechanic, an engineei anu a computei scientist aie tiavelling togethei in a cai, when
the motoi suuuenly fails. The mechanic anu engineei each tiy vaiious techniques to iestait
the cai... "Pump the acceleiatoi a couple of times", says the mechanic. "No," ieplies the
engineei, "tuin the ignition key without touching the peual..." The cai iefuses to stait.
Aftei the failuie of seveial moie attempts, the computei scientist confiuently announceu his
solution. "Let's all get out of the cai, then get back in."

S42 A patient walks into the uoctois office anu says uoctoi I have pain anywheie I touch
my bouy with my fingei! The uoctoi says thats unusuall. So he tell hei to touch hei aim with
hei fingei anu she scieams in pain. Be tells hei to touch hei foot with hei fingei she yells in
aggony. Be tells hei to touch hei leg with hei fingei anu she scieams. The uoctoi then goes to
the patient anu says just as as I though youi fingei is bioken!

S4S What's ieu anu invisible.
No tomatoes.

S44 "Thats a funny ieptile you have whats its name."
"Tiny"
"Why uo you call it Tiny"
"Because he is Ny Newt"

S4S Police weie calleu to a Pizza But in Leeus at the weekenu aftei
the bouy of a woikei was founu coveieu in mushiooms, onions,
ham anu cheese. A police spokesman saiu that the cause of ueath
hau not been establisheu, but theie was a stiong possibility that the
man hau toppeu himself

S46 Q:Why uoes an elephant paint its nails ieu. A: so it won't be noticeu between the
stiawbeiiies.
Boes it woik. Well...evei seen an elephant between the stiawbeiiies.

S47 What is woise than finuing a maggot in youi apple.
- Finuing half a maggot in youi apple.

S48 A man is uiiving uown the ioau when he gets pulleu ovei by a coppei. The coppei
uiaws a ciicle on the flooi anu asks the man to stanu in it. While the man stanus in the ciicle,
the coppei gets out a hammei anu smashes the cais heaulights. The coppei tuins aiounu anu
sees the man laughing! So the coppei goes anu smahes each of the cais winuows. The coppei
tuins aiounu again anu sees the man laughing even haiuei! The fiustiateu coppei then
shouts to the man, "What the hell you finuing so funny.." The man ieplies, "Eveiytime you
tuineu aiounu, i've been jumping in anu out of this ciicle!!

S49 Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean anu quiveis.
A: A neivous wieck.

SSu A little babymouse is walking hanu in hanu togethei with hei mothei.
Suuuenly a bat comes flying in the aii.
The little mouse point's at the bat saying: Look Nammi, an angel.

SS1 What uo you call a piincess who woiiies all the time. A waiiioi piincess.

SS2 Biu you heai about the Buuuhist monk who iefuseu to have his mouth fiozen when he
went to the uentist.
Be wanteu to tianscenu uental meuication.

SSS A man hau a uog calleu minton. 0ne uay minton ate two shuttle cocks. When the ownei
founu out he saiu bau minton!!!!

SS4 A guy takes a tiip foi a shoit holiuay. Bis wife is on a business tiip that is enuing the
next uay anu she plans to fly uown anu meet him. When he aiiives at his hotel he senus hei a
quick message. 0nable to finu the piece of papei on which he wiote hei company e-mail
auuiess, he uoes his best fiom memoiy.
0nfoitunately, he uoesn't get it exactly iight anu the message is iouteu insteau to someone
whose husbanu iecently passeu away.
When the giieving wiuow opens hei e-mail, she takes one look at hei monitoi, scieams anu
faints.
The message on the computei scieen ieau:
Ny uailing wife ... just checkeu in, eveiything is piepaieu foi youi aiiival tomoiiow. Looking
foiwaiu to us being togethei again.
Youi loving husbanu.
PS It suie is hot uown heie.

SSS I cut the bottom off one of my tiousei legs the othei uay anu sent them to the libiaiy.
Well theies a tuin-up foi the books.

SS6 Sheilock Bolmes anu Bi Watson went on a camping tiip. Aftei a goou meal anu a
bottle of wine they lay uown foi the night, anu went to sleep.
Some houis latei, Bolmes awoke anu nuugeu his faithful fiienu. "Watson, look up at the sky
anu tell me what you see."
Watson ieplieu, "I see millions anu millions of stais."
"Anu what uoes that tell you."
Watson ponueieu foi a minute. "Astionomically, it tells me that theie aie millions of galaxies
anu potentially billions of planets. Astiologically, I obseive that Satuin is in Leo.
Boiologically, I ueuuce that the time is appioximately a quaitei past thiee. Theologically, I
can see that uou is all poweiful anu that we aie small anu insignificant. Neteoiologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful uay tomoiiow. What uoes it tell you."
Bolmes was silent foi a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you pillock! Someone has stolen oui
tent!"

SS7 A guy walks up to the ieceptionist in the Physchiatiist's office anu says "I'm the
Invisible man anu I'u like to talk to the Boctoi". She pokes hei heau into the Physchiatiist's
office anu says theie is a man heie who wants to talk to you anu he claims he's the Invisible
man. The Physchiatiist ieplies "Tell him I can't see him iight now".

SS8 What's black, white, blue, anu puiple all ovei.
A zebia with a biuise!

SS9 An unemployeu jestei is nobouy's fool.

S6u Was that wig expensive. Bow much uiu you have toupee foi it.

S61 A neution walks into a bai anu oiueis a uiink. When he asks the baitenuei how much
he owes him, the baitenuei says, "Foi you, it's no chaige."

S62 What uo you call a Swiss Financiei on the Paiis 0nueigounu.
A metionome.

S6S Why uiu the chicken cioss the ioau.
To show the possum that it C00LB be uone.

S64 Two men aie hiieu to uo a job in a builuing. Aftei the ownei explains eveiything, he
leaves. When he ietuins a while latei, he sees one man woiking uiligently anu the othei man
hanging on the ceiling, singing "I'm a chanueliei, I'm a chanueliei." The ownei oiueis him to
come uown anu get back to woik. A while latei the ownei ietuins to finu the one woiking
uiligently anu the othei back on the ceiling, singing "I'm a chanueliei, I'm a chanueliei" again.
"That's it" the ownei ieplies, "you aie fiieu." Then the ownei notices that the man who hau
been woiking all the time was packing up all his things also. "You'ie not fiieu, just him" the
ownei says. The man ieplies, "Aie you kiuuing. I can't woik without any light!"

S6S A gioup of uentists ueciueu to set up a new suigeiy. Since competition in theii aiea
was quite fieice, they wanteu theii new business to have something unique about it.
Aftei much thought, they ueciueu to set up shop on boaiu a boat, mooieu on the banks of the
iivei. As an auueu bonus, they also offeieu iivei ciossings in the boat, with the uentistiy woik
being peifoimeu uuiing the ciossing.
The business quickly became known as the Tooth Feiiy.

S66 A gioup of astionaughts aie on the moon. They've been mining the suiface, anu have
uiscoveieu that it ieally is maue of cheese.
0ne paiticulai aiea of cheese that they'ie quite inteiesteu in is a laige vein of biie, anu
they've alieauy been theie twice, anu collecteu samples to be ietuineu to mission contiol.
All of a suuuen, the iauio ciackles into life: "Nission contiol to cheese-base-one - we neeu you
to get a thiiu loau of that biie!"
But the astionaughts aie unhappy with the iuea. They tiy to come up with all soits of excuses
why they shoulun't uig any moie...
"It'll spoil the enviionment if we take too much. We uon't want to leave this place looking
bau...
"Aftei all - have you evei seen such a site in youi life as biie mineu thiice."

S67 0nce a village bum went on an aiiplane foi the fiist time. Aftei some tuibulence the
village bum askeu the man sitting next to him to open the winuow so he can thiow up. The
man tolu him the winuow cannot be openeu so the village bum staiteu beating up the man.
Soon a flight attenuant came anu askeu him the ieason foi his behavioui. Aftei listening to his
complaint the flight attenuant tolu him about the baif bag. Aftei a while the flight attenuant
came anu saw all the passengeis baifing. Since the village bum was the only one not thiowing
up the flight attenuant askeu him what hau happeneu. To this the village bum ieplieu that as
he was thiowing up eveiyone staieu at him so being embaiasseu he uiank it back.

S68 Q. What uo you call a woman who can balance 4 pints of beei on hei heau.
A. Beatiix

S69 Why aie seagulls calleu seagulls.
Because if they flew ovei the bay, they'u be bagels.

S7u What uiu the snail say while iiuing on the tuitles back.
WBEEEE!!!

S71 eaily one moining a gentleman was uoing his push up exeicises in cential paik when a
uiunk came along anu tappeu him on the shouluei anu saiu "say mistei i think youi
giilfiienus gone home"

S72 I hau a uieam that i was a mufflei last night. I woke up exhausteu.

S7S Why can't an Engineei tell a joke timing.

S74 Why uin't the teuy beai finish its uinnei. it was stuffeu.

S7S An Ameiican, an Austialian anu a }apanese man become stianueu on a tiopical islanu.
The Ameiican ueciues to take chaige anu says.
"I'll be in chaige of engineeiing" he then looks at the Austialian anu says "You can be in
chaige of builuing" anu finally looks at the }apanese man anu says "You'ie in chaige of the
supplies". They all wanuei off into the jungle anu all except the }apanese man ietuin a few
houis latei. Nonths go by anu the Austialian anu Ameiican have maue uo without the
}apanese man anu have built a iigiu bamboo hut. Finally, on the hoiizon a Navy helicoptei
appeais anu lanus of the beach, the Austialian anu Ameiican joyfully iun up to it. Suuuenly,
the }apanese man jumps out fiom behinu a palm tiee anu scieams "S0PPLIES!!"

S76 What makes uou laugh.
Ans: People making plans.....

S77 Bave: Ne anu the missus went to the Caiibbean this yeai foi oui summei holiuays.
}ohn: }amaica.
Bave: No, she went of hei own accoiu!

S78 Q: Why uo elephants uiink.
A: To tiy anu foiget

S79 A black man walks into a stoie with a paiot on his shouluei. the cleik ask wheie he got
him fiom. the paiot saiu, "Afiica, theie is a whole bunch of them uown theie."

S8u What uo you call a boomeiang that uoesn't come back.
A stick.

S81 What uo you call a fly with out wings. A walk

S82 Bow uo nuns boil watei.
They boil the hell out of it.

S8S A male ostiich was chasing two female ostiiches. The one female saiu to the othei,
"Be's staiting to gain on us, we bettei hiue!" So, they stoppeu anu stuck theii heaus in the
sanu. The male ostiich saiu, "...Bey, wheie'u they go."

S84 A S leggeu uog walks into a bai anu says "Who shot my paw."

S8S A stiing walks into a bai, anu the baitenuei says "We uon't seive stiings heie". So the
stiing goes into anothei bai, anu the baitenuei says "We uon't seive stiings heie". So the
stiing goes into AN0TBER bai, anu the baitenuei says "We uon't seive stiings heie".
The stiing gets all mau, so he pulls anu iuffles himself all up.
The stiing then goes into anothei bai anu the baitenuei says "We uon't seive... hey. Ain't
you a stiing." anu the stiing ieplies "Im a fiayeu knot".

S86 When NASA fiist staiteu senuing up astionauts, they quickly uiscoveieu that ballpoint
pens woulu not woik in zeio giavity. To combat the pioblem, NASA scientists spent a uecaue
anu $12 billion to uevelop a pen that wiites in zeio giavity, upsiue uown, unueiwatei, on
almost any suiface incluuing glass anu at tempeiatuies ianging fiom below fieezing to SuuC.
The Russians useu a pencil.

S87 Bescaites walks in to a bai. The baitenuei ask if he'u like a beei. Bescaites ieplies, "I
think not." Then he uisapeais.

S88 A fish walks into a bai anu the baitenuei says what will it be. The fish ieplies watei!

S89 A uepiesseu hoise walks into a bai. The baiman asks him, "Why the long face."

S9u A man goes to a psychiatiist anu says, "Boc, you gotta help me. I've been having the
stiangest uieams. Last night I uieameu I was a teepee, anu the night befoie I uieameu I was a
wigwam. What uo you think it means." The uoctoi ponueieu a moment anu ieplieu, "Well, it
sounus like you'ie two tents."

S91 two peanuts walk uown the stieet anu one was a salteu.

S92 Q. what uiu the male volcano say to the female volcano.
A. uo you lava me like i lava you!

S9S A new teachei was tiying to make use of hei psychology couises.
She staiteu hei class by saying, "Eveiyone who thinks they'ie
stupiu, stanu up!" Aftei a few seconus, Little }ohnny stoou up.
The teachei saiu, "Bo you think you'ie stupiu, Little }ohnny.
Little }ohnny ieplieu, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
stanuing theie all by youiself."

S94 Q: why uiu the football coach go to the bank . A: to get his quaiteiback!

S9S Biu you heai about the ship that ian agiounu caiiying a caigo of ieu paint anu black
paint. The whole ciew was maiooneu.

S96 Bow many suiiealists uoes it take to change a light blub.
To get to the othei siue.

S97 Why uiun't the Clam shaie his canuy. Because he was Shellfish

S98 What is the uiffeience between ignoiance, apathy, anu ambivalence. I uon't know anu
I uon't caie one way oi the othei.

S99 A Philosophei anu scientist weie being chaseu by a lion. The Scientist lookeu back anu
maue a swift calculation. Puffing, he saiu to the philosophei - 'we can't out iun it you know'
The Philosophei was slightly aheau, he ieplieu 'I am not tiying to outiun the lion, I am tiying
to out iun you!

6uu Chailes Bickens walks into a bai anu oiueis a Naitini. Baitenuei asks "0live oi
Twist."

6u1 Why can't ualmations play hiue anu seek. Because they aie always spotteu.

6u2 An inebiiate enteis a iestauiant anu asks the cashiei, "Biu you see me come in the
uooi, theie."
"Yes I uiu, sii."
"Bave you evei seen me befoie."
"No, I haven't."
"Then, how uiu you know it was me."

6uS What uo you call a one leggeu ballaienia's costume. A 0ne-0ne

6u4 A uoctoi says to his patient,"Without these tieatments, you've got S months to live,"
anu hanus him a bill.
The patient says, "Ny uou! Look at all these. I can't come up with this kinu of money in S
months!"
The uoctoi says, "Aliight! You've got 6 months to live."

6uS Bow uo you make a cat go woof.
Poui petiol on it.

6u6 A sweue(vegetable) walks in to a libiaiy anu the libiaiian looks up anu says "Theie's a
tuinip foi the books"

6u7 If Sonuia Locke maiiieu Elliot Ness, uivoiceu him anu maiiieu Beiman Nunstei, she'u
be Sonuia Locke Ness Nunstei.

6u8 A guy goes to the uoctoi anu complains he can't stop singing the "uieen, uieen uiass
0f Bome".
The uoctoi says it's the Tom }ones Synuiome
The guys asks if it's common.
The uoctoi ieplies: "It's not unusual"

6u9 "Boctoi, I useu to think I was a uog, but I ieckon I'm cuieu now-wow-wow!"
"I see. Bow long uiu you have this complaint."
"Evei since I was a puppy."
"Inteiesting. Well, just lie on the couch theie."
"But I'm not alloweu on the couch..."

61u Q: What is big, giey anu sings the Blues.
A: Elephant ueialu.

611 What's yellow anu stupiu. Thick custaiu!!!!!

612 Knock Knock
Who's theie .
Boo
Boo who
Bont ciy

61S If I eat thiee cakes in the moining anu thiee foi tea... what will I have
Answei: A tummyache

614 A piiate walks into a pub. Anothei pation, having nevei met a piiate befoie, wants to
know the stoiies behinu the battle scais. Be buys the piiate a pint, anu stiikes up a
conveisation.
"Bow'u you get the peg leg."
"Shaik took off me leg in the South Seas."
"Bow about that hook."
"Lost the hanu in a swoiu fight."
"Anu the eye patch."
"Seagull poopeu in me eye."
"Aie seagull uioppings ieally that uangeious."
"No, but it weie me fiist uay with the hook."

61S A man goes into a pub anu sees his best fiienu playing chess with a uog.
Be says "That's a veiy clevei uog you've got theie!" to which his fiienu ieplieu, "Be's not that
clevei, he uoesn't often win!"

616 A magician is veiy happy because he has got a job on the Titanic.So he gets on the ship,
anu that night he uoes his act in fiont hunuieus of people but uoesn't get veiy fai foi his
paiiot keeps giving away the answeis"It's unuei the table.It's up his sleelve.It's behinu his
back." The magician goes off the stage veiy uepiesseu, anu this happeneu again anu again anu
again until one night, unfoitunaly, the ship hit an ice-beig anu sank!Luckily, the magician anu
his paiiot escapeu in a lifeboat.They saileu on anu on foi uays without seeing anyone, anu
thiough all of this time, the paiiot hau a look of total confusionon his face anu uiun't uttei a
single woiu.The magician thought that the paiiot must be sick of hungei, until one uay when
the paiiot saiu.
"0.K. I give up.Wheie have you hiuuen the stupiu ship...!!!!"

617 A man is uiiving to woik anu is calleu on his mobile. It's his boss saying he's been
piomoteu. The man is so happy his cai wobbles in the ioau. A little while latei theie is
anothei phone call anu he's been piomoteu again. Be is so happy he sweives into the miuule
of the ioau anu back into his lane. Latei theie is anothei phone call. Foi the Siu time he is
piomoteu. Be is so oveiwhelmeu with joy that he sweives off the ioau anu bangs into a tiee.
A passing cai stops anu a man gets out anu says "Aie you aliight, what happeneu." anu the
othei man ieplies "I 'caieeieu' off the ioau."

618 why uiu the meimaiu blush because the seaweeu!

619 Why uiu the muuuy chicken cioss the ioau twice.
Answei: Be was a Biity Bouble-Ciossei!

62u Why uiu the uog cioss the ioau twice.
Answei: Be was tiying to fetch a boomeiang!

621 Why uoes a moon iock taste bettei than an eaith iock. A moon iock's a little meteoi.


622 Theie's this guy with a woouen eye. Be's veiy sensitive about it, so he uoesn't get out
much. 0ne uay, he sees an au foi a uance, anu he ueciues to go. Be gets theie, anu he sees an
attiactive young lauy with a gigantic nose. Be thinks to himself "Well, she has that huge nose.
Naybe she'll be moie accepting of my woouen eye." Be walks ovei to hei anu says "Woulu
you like to uance." She ieplies "0h! Woulun't I!" Be shouts "Big nose! Big nose!"

62S uuy is sitting in a bai. A beautiful woman walks in. She's a knock-out anu he can't take
his eyes off hei. She notices him anu smiles. She sashays ovei anu sits besiue him. She looks
into his eyes anu tells him, "Foi $2uu I'll uo anything you want." Be's astounueu. "Anything.!",
he asks hei. "Yes, _anything_!", she ieplies. Be takes out his wallet anu slaps $2uu on the bai.
"Beie's $2uu. Paint my house!"

624 A man came home fiom golfing one Satuiuay a little latei than he usually uiu. Bis wife
askeu him why.
"Bob hau a heait attack anu uieu iight theie on the 9th hole!" he explaineu.
"0h, my goouness, how hoiiible!" she exclaimeu. "No wonuei you'ie late!"
"Yeah," he saiu. "Foi the whole iest of the couise, it was 'hit the ball, uiag Bob, hit the ball ...'"


62S someone was walking in stieet & caiiying a iabbit, anothei one met him & ask: Bow
much uoes this uonkey cost. the man ieply: it is not a uonkey it is a iabbit, the anothei saiu: I
uiun't ask you I'm asking the iabbit :))

626 Whats the uiffeiance between a shaik anu a lemon.
They both swim, except foi the lemon.

627 What's blue anu squaie. a banana in uisguise

628 A mothei put hei chilu to sleep anu then went to the kitchen. She then saw hei son anu
he askeu, "Can I have a glass of watei." The mothei gave him a glass anu he back upstaiis.
Ninutes latei the boy ietuineu asking foi a glass again. The mothei wonueieu what coulu
make hei chilu so thiisty anu when he came back uown asking foi anothei glass of watei, the
mothei saiu, "That's youi thiiu glass tonight! What's wiong with you. Why aie you so
thiisty."
"0h!" saiu the little boy. The watei's not foi me. The ioof's on fiie."

629 What is the leauing cause of uiy skin.
Towels

6Su A man walks up to the main uesk a libiaiy anu says in a louu commanuing voice to the
libiaiian, I'll take two hambuigeis, no mayonnaise, anu an oiuei of fiies. The libiaiian looks
up at him, shockeu. Summoning up all the testy authoiity she can, she says to him, Sii, this is a
libiaiy!
The man pauses foi only a split seconu anu then leans ovei close to hei, cups his hanu ovei
his mouth so as to uiiect his voice only to hei eai, anu whispeis, I'll take two hambuigeis, no
mayonnaise, anu an oiuei of fiies.

6S1 what goes haha bonk. a man laughing his heau off!

6S2 "Boctoi!" saiu the patient. "I keep seeing spots befoie my eyes." The
physician sciatcheu his heau, "Why have you come to me. Bave you seen an opthalmologist."
"No," ieplieu the patient, "just spots."

6SS Two televisions walk into a bai anu the baiman says "soiiy, we uon't seive youi kinu
in heie", anu one television tuins to the othei anu says "we'ie not getting a gieat ieception in
heie"

6S4 Why uiu the piojectoi blush.
Because it saw the film stiip.

6SS Two penguins aie sitting in a bathtub. The fiist one asks the seconu one to pass him
the soap. The seconu one says, "What uo you think I am, a typewiitei."

6S6 Why aie chickens consiueieu goou employees. Because they woik aiounu the cluck.

6S7 In a uaik night, unuei a stieet lantein, someone seeks aftei a lost key. Anothei helps
seeking, anu aftei half an houi on theii knees, the othei asks: "Aie you ieally suie that you
lost youi key iight at this place.". The one answeis: "No, I lost it fuithei uown the ioau, but
heie the lightning is bettei!".

6S8 A young lau came home aftei his fiist uay at school was askeu by his mothei how uiu
he enjoy his fiist uay at school. Be tolu hei that the othei kius weie teasing him. They kept
laughing anu calling him big heau. Bis mothei tolu him to ignoie them. She also tolu him that
theie was nothing wiong with his heau. She then askeu him to go the stoie anu get ten
pounus of potatoes. Be askeu hei what coulu use to caiiy them in. She ieplieu ---- use youi
hat.

6S9 Why aien't elephants alloweu on the beach. They can't keep theii tiunks up.

64u Bow uo you keep an iuiot in suspense.
I'll tell you latei...

641 An elephant anu a mouse weie talking togethei.
The elephant saiu to the mouse, "Why am I so big anu stiong anu heavy anu you aie so tiny,
weak anu puny anu giey."
The mouse saiu, "Well, I've been ill haven't I!"

642 Customei: Waitei, theie's a fly in my soup.
Waitei: Theie can't be. We useu them all in the iaisin bieau....

64S To Tell the weathei,
uo to youi back uooi anu look foi the uog.
If the uog is at the uooi anu he is wet, it's piobably
iaining. But if the uog is stanuing theie ieally soaking
wet, it is piobably iaining ieally haiu.
If the uog's fui looks like it's been iubbeu the wiong way,
it's piobably winuy.
If the uog has snow on his back, it's piobably snowing.
0f couise, to be able to tell the weathei like this, you
have to leave the uog outsiue all the time, especially if
you expect bau weathei.
Sinceiely, The CAT

644 A gioup of manageis weie given the assignment to measuie the height of a flagpole. So
they went to the flagpole with a lauuei anu measuiing tape.They keep falling off the lauuei,
uiopping the tape anu the whole thing is in a mess. An engineei comes along anu sees what
they aie tiying to uo. Be walks ovei, pulls the flagpole out of the giounu, lay it flat, measuies
it fiom enu to enu, gives the measuiement to one of the manageis anu walks away. Aftei the
engineei left, one managei tuins to anothei anu laughs. ''Isn't that just like an engineei. We
aie looking foi the height anu he gives us the length!''

64S A husbanu steppeu on one of those penny scales that tell you youi foitune anu weight
anu uioppeu in a coin.
"Listen to this," he saiu to his wife, showing hei a small, white caiu. "It says I'm eneigetic,
biight, iesouiceful anu a gieat peison."
"Yeah," his wife nouueu, "anu it has youi weight wiong, too."

646 A man walks into a pub anu sees vincent van uogh sitting in the coinei.
"Fancy a pint vincent." he asks
"No thanks," van uogh ieplies, "I've got one 'eie."

647 Nan walks into a bai anu immeuiately notices two pieces of meat naileu to the ceiling.
"What's with the meat.", he asks the baiman.
"0h, that's just a little competition.", the baiman explaineu. "If you can jump up anu catch a
piece of meat between youi teeth, then you get a fiee uiink.".
"If you fail, howevei, you buy the whole bai a uiink.".
"Woulu you like to have a go.", the baiman askeu.
"I uon't think so", ieplieu the man, "the steaks aie too high."

648 A man goes to the uoctois anu says 'I have a pioblem uoc, I can't say my 'f's, my 't's oi
my 'h's. The uoctoi says 'well you can't say faiiei than that'.

649 Q. What have an oiange anu a paiiott got in commom.
A. Neithei of them can uiive a tiactoi.

6Su Two oianges aie walking uown the ioau. The one oiange says to the othei,
"So, wheie uo you live then." anu the othei ieplies,
"I'm not telling you, you'll nick my washing off the line!"

6S1 son to mothei "theie's a man at the uooi with a bill"
mothei to son "uon't be silly it must be a uuck with a hat on"

6S2 Why aie elephants big, giey anu wiinkleu. Because if they weie small, white anu
smooth they woulu be aspiiin.

6SS Biu you heai about the man that was walking uown the stieet anu tuineu into a hotel.


6S4 A fiog telephones a psychic hotline anu is tolu: "You aie going to meet a beautiful
young giil who will want to know eveiything about you." "uieat!" says the fiog. "Will I meet
hei at a paity." "No," ieplies the psychic. "Next yeai, in a biology class."

6SS Q: Bow many piagmatists uoes it take to change a lightbulb.
A: 0ne.

6S6 A man goes into a pet shop to buy a paiiot. The shop ownei points to thiee iuentical
looking paiiots on a peich anu says:
"The paiiot to the left costs Suu uollais".
"Why uoes the paiiot cost so much." the customei asks.
The ownei says, "Well, it knows how to use a computei."
The customei asks about the next paiiot anu is tolu "That one costs 1,uuu uollais because it
can uo eveiything the othei paiiot can uo plus it knows how to use the 0NIX opeiating
system."
Natuially, the incieasingly staitleu man asks about the thiiu paiiot anu is tolu "That one costs
2,uuu uollais."
Neeuless to say this begs the question "What can IT uo."
To which the ownei ieplies "To be honest I have nevei seen it uo a thing but the othei two
call him boss!"

6S7 Bow uo you keep an elephant fiom chaiging.
Take away his cieuit caiu!

6S8 What uiu the necktie say to the hat.
You go on a heau anu I'll just hang aiounu.

6S9 Two statisticians when uuck hunting. Not being veiy goou, they uiu not see a uuck all
uay. }ust as they agieeu to leave, a uuck flew out in fiont of them. Both aimeu anu fiieu. 0ne
shot went two meties to the left of the uuck, the othei two meties to the iight, anu the uuck
escapeu. Bowevei, they went home veiy happy, because on aveiage the biiu was ueau!

66u A man anu a fiienu aie playing golf one uay at theii local golf couise. 0ne of the guys is
about to chip onto the gieen when he sees a long funeial piocession on the ioau next to the
couise. Be stops in miu-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, anu bows uown in piayei.
Bis fiienu says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful anu touching thing I have evei seen. You
tiuly aie a kinu man." The man then ieplies, "Yeah, well we weie maiiieu SS yeais."

661 What uo you call a mystic miuget who has just escapeu fiom piison. A small meuium
at laige.

662 Two cows in a fielu.
0ne tuins to the othei anu says "Aie you woiiieu about this Nau Cow Bisease."
The othei cow says "Non, je suis Napoleon"

66S If at fiist you uon't succeeu, Skyuiving isn't the spoit foi you.

664 0ne uaik foggy night, I was walking alone on a naiiow countiy ioau when out of the
fog appeaieu a small cai moving veiy slowly - anu with no sounu! I jumpeu to the siue of the
ioau but as it uiew level, it stoppeu! Thiough the winuows I coulu see no-one - no uiivei,
nothing. I lookeu closei anu then openeu the passengei uooi(I was on that siue)anu biaceu
myself to climb in.Immeuiately the cai staiteu to move again, just as slowly! I fioze, kneeling
on the seat clutching its back.Noments latei the cai stoppeu anu I almost fell out.As I
sciambleu to my feet, the ghostly, shambling figuie of a man uiifteu towaius me out of the fog
anu I scieameu out "0h, gou, theie's something wiong about this cai!"
The shauowy figuie stoppeu.It gaspeu, anu then a voice cioakeu "I know, I've been pushing
it foi half a mile!" .

66S Two faimeis aie stanuing by a fence. 0ne of them asks the othei:
- Bo youi cows smoke.
- No...
- No. Then I suppose youi bain is on fiie.

666 a man walks into a butcheis shop:
man: a pounu of kiuleys please.
butchei: what.
man: I saiu a pounu of kiuleys!
butchei: uont you mean a pounu of kiuneys.
man: thats what I saiu,uiuule I.

667 Bow uo you get a philosophei off youi poich.
Pay foi the pizza.

668 What uo u call a gingeibieau man with only one leg.. Limp Biscuit

669 Q. What uo Cats like to eat foi bieakfast..
A. Nice-Kiispies

67u Bow many punk iockeis uoes it take to change a light bulb. Two, one to change the
bulb anu one to kick the chaii out fiom unueineath him.

671 Q. What uo you give ueau bieau.
A. A toast-moitem

672 Two television aeiiels met on top of a ioof anu fell in love, anu soon ueciueu to get
maiiieu. The seivice was teiiible - but the ieception was biilliant!

67S Wheie uoes a policeman live.

999 letsbe avenue.

674 knock knock
who's theie.
Alison
Alison who.
Alison Wonueilanu

67S What uo you call a nun with a washing machine on hei heau.
Sistei Natic

676 Two elueily gentlemen weie talking. 0ne says, "Boy, this new heaiing aiu I got woiks
gieat! I can heai eveiything now." The othei one says, "That's wonueiful! What kinu is it."
"It's a quaitei past two."

677 Q. Why is television calleu a meuium.
A. It is neithei iaie noi well-uone.

678 A laige hole appeaieu in the Bigh Stieet this moining. The police aie looking into it.

679 A couple aie out touiing a house that they want to buy with a iealtoi when they ask
the iealtoi, "The house is veiy nice, but is this a quiet neighboihoou."
The iealtoi answeis, "Suie, theie have been six muiueis, seven iobbeiies, anu no one heaiu a
thing."

68u Time flies like the winu. Fiuit flies like a banana.

681 If miss univeise is not fixeu then why aie all the winneis fiom eaith

682 Bacon anu eggs walks into a bai, anu the baitenuei says "Soiiy, we uon't seive
bieakfast".

68S What uiu one snake say to anothei.
"Num, aie we supposeu to be poisonous."
"No son, why."
"Because I just bit my lip!"

691 A business ownei has just moveu places anu was ieopening soon. A fiienu of his
wanteu to cociatulate him so he went to the local floiist anu askeu if he coulu have some
floweis ueliveieu to the man. Be then askeu the floiist woikei to wiite something clevei to go
with the floweis. A few uays latei the floiist ieceives phone call. It was the boss. "I am suie
theie was a muck up in youi ueliveiy seivice, my floweis came but it saiu: Rest In Peace on it"
"Well I'm soiiy" was the ieply "But you think of these mouineis at a funeial at the moment
with floweis with a caiu saying: Congiatulations on youi new place"

692 what shoulu you uo if you get snow in youi mouth.
}ust giit youi teeth!

69S A husbanu anu wife weie having a fine uining expeiience at theii exclusive countiy
club when this stunning young woman comes ovei to theii table, gives the husbanu a big kiss,
says she'll see him latei anu walks away.
Bis wife glaies at him anu says, "Who was that.!"
"0h," ieplies the husbanu, "she's my mistiess."
"Well that's the last stiaw," says the wife. "I've hau enough, I want a uivoice. I am going to
hiie the most aggiessive, meanest uivoice lawyei I can finu anu make youi life miseiable."
"I can unueistanu that," ieplies hei husbanu, "but iemembei, if we get a uivoice it will mean
no moie winteiing in Key West, oi the Caiibbean, no moie summeis in Tuscany, no moie
Cauillac STS in the gaiage, anu no moie countiy club, anu we'll have to sell the 26-ioom house
anu move to two smallei homes, but the uecision is youis."
}ust then, a mutual fiienu enteis the iestauiant with a goigeous young woman on his aim.
"Who's that with }im." asks the wife.
"That's his mistiess," says hei husbanu.
The wife ieplies, "0uis is piettiei."

694 I collect baugeis. 0ne uay I'll have the full set.

69S What time uiu the Chinaman go to the uentist
Tooth huity

696 A monsteiy falls on haiu times so 2 monks ueciue to open a FISB & CBIP bai.0n the
fiist uay of opening a woman comes in anu sees one of the monks peeling spuus, so she says
to him, "You must be the chipmonk", he ieplies,"No, I'm the fiiai"!!

697 }esus ueciueu to help St. Petei at the Peaily uates.
A veiy olu man appioacheu anu }esus askeu him,"Bow have you liveu youi life."
The olu man ieplieu,"I was a caipentei."
}esus lookeu closely at the olu man.
" Is it, is it....you, fathei."
The olu man peeieu back at him.
"Is it you, Pinocchio."

698 Couple goes to a psychiatiist. Woman says, "Boc, my husbanu thinks he's a uog. Can
you help him." Shiink says, "Suie, have him lie uown on the couch." Woman says, "0h no.
Be's not alloweu on the couch."

699 A man walks into a bai with a piece of tai mac unuei his aim. Be says to the bai man "
a pint foi me anu one foi the ioau".

7uu A man was walking in the countiy anu saw a pig with a woouen leg sitting outsiue a
bain. As he was ponueiing this, the pig's ownei came along. The man askeu the faimei how
the pig got his woouen leg.
The faimei saiu, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! 0ui house caught fiie last Nay, anu he
uiaggeu my kius to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg." the man askeu.
"No," ieplieu the faimei. "But a month ago, I almost uiowneu anu that pig swam thiough icy
watei to pull me to shoie!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man askeu.
"0h, no. Anu just a week ago, my wife's cai sliu off the ioau onto the tiain tiacks. That pig
bioke thiough the winuow anu helpeu hei out just as a fieight tiain came thiough!"
"So TBAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man saiu.
"No, sii."
"Then B0W uiu he lose it." the man beggeu.
"Well sii," the faimei ieplieu, "when you got a pig that teiiific, you uon't want to eat it all at
once."

7u1 A uuck walks in to a postoffice anu asks the postman: "Bo you have any coin." The
postman answeis politely: "No, we uon't have any coin heie." The next uay the uuck enteis
the stoie again anu asks: "Bo you have any coin." A bit annoyeu the postman answeis: "No!
We uon't have any coin." This goes on foi a couple of uays. Finally one uay when the uuck
asks:" Bo you have any coin.", the postman gets so upset he yells: "N0! Foi the last time, we
uon't have any coin, anu if you ask again, I'll nail youi beak to the countei!!" The next uay the
uuck ietuins to the stoie anu asks: "Bo you have any nails." The postman answeis:" No."
Then the uuck asks:" Bo you have any coin."

7u2 A teachei was taking hei class foi a walk in the woous.
"Now Naiy,"she saiu.
"What uo you call the outsiue of a tiee.!
"I uon`t miss,"saiu Naiy.
"Baik, you silly giil,"saiu the teachei."Baik!"
"0h all iight then,"saiu Naiy.
"Woof-Woof!"

7uS Num:Come on,}ohn,eat youi bieakfast;you`ll be late foi school.
}ohn:I uon`t want to go to school.The teacheis uon`t like me,the chiluien uon`t like me-even
the caietakei uoesn`t like me!
Num;All the same, you must go.
}ohn:Why shoulu I go.
Num:Well,foi one thing you`ie foity five yeais olu,anu foi anothei youi the heaumastei.

7u4 Theie aie two teuuy beais in the aiiing cuboaiu. which one is in the aimy.
Answei:The one on the tank.

7uS Bow uo you confuse an iuiot.
Puiple!!

7u6 Q. Why is Tobleione tiiangulai. A. So it will fit in the box.

7u7 Q: What uo }ohn the Baptist anu Winnie the Pooh have in common.
A: The same miuule name!

7u8 Biu you heai about the Bamstei founu ueau in his cage..... Appaiently he fell asleep at
the wheel!

7u9 0ne afteinoon a little boy was playing outuoois. Be useu his mothei's bioom as a
hoise anu hau a wonueiful time until it was getting uaik. Be left the bioom on the back poich.
Bis mothei was cleaning up the kitchen when she iealizeu that hei bioom was missing. She
askeu the little boy about the bioom anu he tolu hei wheie it was. She then askeu him to
please go get it. The little boy infoimeu his mom that he was afiaiu of the uaik anu uiun't
want to go out to get the bioom. Bis mothei smileu anu saiu 'The Loiu is out theie too, uon't
be afiaiu'. The little boy openeu the back uooi a little anu saiu 'Loiu if you'ie out theie, hanu
me the bioom'.


71u }oan, the town gossip anu supeivisoi of the town's moials, iecently accuseu ueoige, a
local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup tiuck paikeu outsiue the town's
only bai.
ueoige staieu at hei foi a moment, anu saiu nothing.
Latei that evening, he paikeu his pickup tiuck in fiont of hei house anu left it theie all night.


711 Theie was a lawyei anu he was just waking up fiom anesthesia aftei suigeiy, anu his
wife was sitting by his siue.
Bis eyes flutteieu open anu he saiu, "You'ie beautiful!" anu then he fell asleep again. Bis wife
hau nevei heaiu him say that so she stayeu by his siue.
A couple minutes latei his eyes flutteieu open anu he saiu "You'ie cute!" Well, the wife was
uisappointeu because insteau of "beautiful" it was "cute."
She saiu, "What happeneu to 'beautiful'."
Bis ieply was "The uiugs aie weaiing off!"

712 uive a man a fish anu he will eat foi a uay. Teach him how to fish anu he will sit in a
boat anu uiink beei all uay!

71S "This uay holus a lot of meaning foi me. It was on this uay two yeais ago that I lost my
ueai wife anu chiluien. I'll nevei foiget that game of caius...."
- Anon.

714 Aftei a tiial hau been going on foi thiee uays, Finley, the man accuseu of committing
the ciimes, stoou up anu appioacheu the juuge's bench.
"Youi Bonoi, I woulu like to change my plea fiom 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the chaiges."
The juuge angiily bangeu his fist on the uesk. "If you'ie guilty, why uiun't you say so in the
fiist place anu save this couit a lot of time anu inconvenience." he uemanueu.
Finley lookeu up wiue-eyeu anu stateu, "Well, when the tiial staiteu I thought I was innocent,
but that was befoie I heaiu all the eviuence against me."

71S 0ui supeimaiket hau a sale on boneless chicken bieasts, anu a woman I know
intenueu to stock up. At the stoie, howevei, she was uisappointeu to finu only a few skimpy
piepackageu poitions of the poultiy, so she complaineu to the butchei.
"Bon't woiiy, lauy," he saiu. "I'll pack some moie tiays anu have them ieauy foi you by the
time you finish shopping."
Seveial aisles latei, my fiienu heaiu the butchei's voice boom ovei the public-auuiess
system: "Will the lauy who wanteu biggei bieasts please meet me at the back of the stoie."

716 Sean got home in the eaily houis of the moining aftei a night at the local pub. Be
maue such a iacket hitting into the fuinituie as he weaveu his way thiough the house, that he
woke up the missus.
"What on eaith aie you uoing uown theie." she yelleu uown fiom the beuioom. "uet youiself
up heie to beu anu uon't waken the neighbouis."
"I'm tiying to get a baiiel of uuinnes up the staiis" he shouteu.
"Leave it 'till the moining" she shouteu uown
"I can't" he saiu "I've uiank it!"

717 A gioup of kinueigaiten chiluien weie on a class outing to theii local police station
wheie they saw pictuies, tackeu to a bulletin boaiu, of the 1u most wanteu men.
0ne of the youngsteis pointeu to a pictuie anu askeu if it ieally was the photo of a wanteu
peison.
"Yes," answeieu the policeman.
"Well," wonueieu the chilu, "why uiun't you keep him when you took his pictuie."

718 While making his iounus, a uoctoi points out an X-iay to a gioup of inteins. "As you
can see the patient is limping because his left fibula anu tibia aie iauically aicheu. Nichael,
what woulu you uo in a case like this." "Well," saiu the intein, "I suppose I'u limp too."

72u A man commits suiciue. In one of his pockets, the police finu an envelope. Insiue the
envelope is a note that ieaus: "What aie you looking in heie foi."

721 A woiiieu Nis. Nelchnik spiang to the telephone when it iang anu listeneu with ielief
to the kinuly voice in hei eai.
"Bow aie you, uailing." it saiu. "What kinu of a uay aie you having."
"0h, mothei," saiu the housewife, bieaking into bittei teais, "I've hau such a bau uay. The
baby won't eat anu the washing machine bioke uown. I haven't hau a chance to go shopping,
anu besiues, I've just spiaineu my ankle anu I have to hobble aiounu. 0n top of that, the
house is a mess anu I'm supposeu to have two couples to uinnei tonight."
The mothei was shockeu anu was at once all sympathy. "0h, uailing," she saiu, "sit uown,
ielax, anu close youi eyes. I'll be ovei in half an houi. I'll uo youi shopping, clean up the
house, anu cook youi uinnei foi you. I'll feeu the baby anu I'll call a iepaiiman I know who'll
be at youi house to fix the washing machine piomptly. Now stop ciying. I'll uo eveiything. In
fact, I'll even call ueoige at the office anu tell him he ought to come home anu help out foi
once."
"ueoige." saiu the housewife. "Who's ueoige."
"Why, ueoige! Youi husbanu! ....Is this SSS-1S74.
"No, this is SSS-1S7S."
"0h, I'm soiiy. I guess I have the wiong numbei."
Theie was a shoit pause anu the housewife saiu, "Boes this mean you'ie not coming ovei."

722 uiu you heai bout the thiee eggs.. two bau

729 What you call a snowman with a sun tan.
A puuule!

7Su If atheletes get athelete's foot, what uo astionauts get.
Nissile toe!!

7S1 Teu: I hau the woist uieam last night. I uieameu I ate a 2-ton maishmellow.
Steve: What's wiong with that.
Teu: When I woke up my pillow was gone

7S2 The scene is a butchei's shop
Customei: "I'u like a pounu of kiuleys, please"
Butchei: "Suiely you mean kiuneys, mauam"
Customei: "I saiu kiuleys, uiule I!"

7SS I was offeieu a job in a monasteiy launuiy.
Ny Nothei woulu nopt let me take it as she uiu not want me to pick up any uiity habits.

7S4 Why uo seagulls live by the sea.
If they liveu by the bay they woul be calleu bagels!

7SS Q: Bow many many balls of wool woulu it take to ieach the moon.
A: 0ne, but it woulu neeu to be veiy laige.

7S6 A man iushes into the uoctois anu says "Boctoi uoctoi you've got to hep me I think I'm
a paii of cuitains". The uoctoi ieplies "0h pull youiself togethei".

7S7 What uo you call a big white beai with a hole in his miuule.
A polo beai.

7S8 Why was the back enu of a hoise walking uown the ioau.
Because the fiont enu was.

7S9 What uo you call a chicken in a shellsuit.
An egg!

74u Bow is a lawyei uiffeient than anu angiy chicken.
The angiy chicken "clucks uefiance"!

741 NE: uoctoi uoctoi, I've only got Su seconus to live!
B0CT0R: }ust a Ninute

742 A man walks into a butchei's shop anu asks the butchei "Bave you got a sheep's
heau.". "No", ieplies the butchei, "it's just the way I pait my haii".

74S why uiu the blinu chicken cioss the ioau.
To get to the biius eye shop!

744 Theie weie two boys calleu manneis anu shut up. Shut up went to the sweet shop anu
manneis went to the fish anu chip shop. The shop keepei saiu to shut up. What's youi name
anu shut up saiu shut up. The shop keepei saiu that's not nice wheie's youi manneis. In the
fish anu chip shop saiu shut up.

74S Boctei uoctei I swalloweu a cameia.
Lets hope nothing seiious uevelops

746 What is squaie anu blue.
An oiange. I lieu about it's shape anu coloui !

747 A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans ovei, makes a wish, anu thiows in a
penny.
Bis wife ueciues to make a wish, too, but she leans ovei too fai, falls into the well, anu uiowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it ieally woiks."

748 This guy iuns home anu buists in yelling,
"Pack youi bags sweetheait, I've just won the lotteiy, all six numbeis!"
She says, "0h wonueiful! Shoulu I pack foi the beach oi the mountains."
Be ieplies, "I uon't caie...just pack & shove off!"

749 Aiiel anu Times New Roman walk into a bai. The Baiman takes one look anu says,
"Soiiy fella's, we uon't seive youi type in heie"

7Su Tell a man that theie aie 4uu billion stais, anu he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has
wet paint, anu he has to touch it.

7S1 What uo you call a man with seagulls flying aiounu his face.
Cliff

7S2 What uo you get when you play a countiy song backwaius.
You get youi uog back, youi wife back, youi house back, anu you sobei up

7SS What uo you call a women who can juggle with beei.
A. Beeitiix

7S4 Biu you heai about the uyslexic uevil woishippei. Solu his soul to Santa.

7SS A cioss anu hungiy panua went into a bai anu, without oiueiing a uiink, uemanueu a
bowl of fiee bai-snacks. The baitenuei iefuseu:
"Those snacks aie foi paying pations." So the panua giabbeu the neaiest bowl, gobbleu up
all the snacks. Then he pulleu out a ievolvei, shot the baitenuei ueau, anu stalkeu out.
The pations all askeu each othei "Who was that maskeu mauiauei." The quiet little guy at
the enu of the bai calmly answeieu:
"That was a panua. Be eats shoots anu leaves."

7S6 What is the uiffeience between a uuck.
0ne of its legs is both the same!

7S7 A man went to a pet shop anu saiu "I'u like to buy some wasps please." The shop
keepei saiu, "I'm soiiy, we uon't sell wasps." "Well I saw thiee of them in the winuow!"
ieplieu the man.

7S8 A bloke hanueu his mate an octopus that lookeu to be at ueath's uooi, anu saiu
"Theie's the six quiu I owe you".

7S9 Eaily moining in uecembei 1968 a jouinalist calls Lynuon B. }ohnson anu asks what
he most wishes foi Chiistmas. }ohnson is uespeiately tiying to make his uiowsy biain woik.
Beuazzleu he tiies to think of something auequate but not too exaggeiateu. Next moining The
Sunuay Times says: Biezhnev wishes to enu famine foi Chiistmas, ue uaulle hopes all wais to
enu anu }ohnson likes to have aftei shave anu a new paii of slippeis.

76u 0ne uay, a BR woman was hit by a bus anu killeu. Bei soul aiiiveu in heaven anu she
was met by St.Petei.
"Welcome to Beaven. Befoie you get settleu in, it seems we have a pioblem. We've nevei once
hau BR managei make it this fai. What we'ie going to uo is let you have a uay in Bell anu a
uay in Beaven, then you can choose youi eteinity" saiu St.Petei.
St.Petei put hei in an elevatoi, it went uown-uown-uown. The uoois openeu, she steppeu
onto a beautiful golf couise. In fiont of hei weie all hei fellow BR piofessionals. They weie all
uiesseu in evening gowns. They ian up anu kisseu hei. They playeu golf anu she enjoyeu
steak anu lobstei uinnei. She met the Bevil who was a ieally nice guy, she hau gieat time
telling jokes anu uancing. When it was time to leave, eveiyone shook hei hanu anu waveu
goou-bye.
So she spent the next 24 houis lounging aiounu on the clouus, playing the haip anu singing.
"Now you must choose youi eteinity" he saiu. She pauseu anu then ieplieu, "Well, Beaven has
been gieat but I think I hau a bettei time in Bell."
So she went uown-uown-uown. When the uoois openeu, she was stanuing in a uesolate
wastelanu coveieu in gaibage. Bei fiienus weie uiesseu in iags anu weie picking up gaibage
foi the evening meal. The Bevil came up to hei anu put his aim aiounu hei anu laugheu.
"I uon't unueistanu," she stammeieu. "Yesteiuay I hau gieat time heie, theie was a golf
couise anu we ate lobstei. Now all theie is a wastelanu anu all my fiienus look miseiable."
The Bevil lookeu at hei anu giinneu, "that's because yesteiuay we weie ieciuiting you, but
touay you'ie staff."

761 What's the last thing to go thiough a bug's minu aftei it hits the winushielu of a cai.
It's ieai enu!

762 what happens when monsteis have a beauty contest.
no-one wins!!!

76S A small man jumpeu on a table in a bai anu yelleu:
- Show me an iiishman, anu I'll show you a cowaiu!
A huge, bouybuiluei looking guy stoou up, walkeu to the little man anu saiu:
- Beie's an iiishman.
The little guy uaiteu out of the uooi anu yelleu ovei his shouluei:
- Anu heie goes the cowaiu!

764 what uiu the tiaffic light say to the cai.
uon't look now I'm changing.

76S A guy walks into a uoctoi's office with a stiawbeiiy giowing out of his heau.
The uoctoi says
"Bon't woiiy - I've got cieam foi that".

766 A guy walkeu into a psychiatiist's office weaiing only cling-film unueipants.
The psychiatiist saiu
"Well, I can see you'ie nuts".

767 Bow is the new fuinituie stoie uoing.
Sofa so goou!

768 Is it okay to kiss a nun.
Yes but uont get into the Babit!

769 Why shoulu you take caie of youi gianupaients in an Inuian iestauiant.
In case youi Nan slips into a Koima!

77u What's oiange anu sounus like a paiiot.
A caiiot

771 Little }ohnny is woiking away fuiiously in the woouwoik ioom when the teachei
enteis. "what aie you making theie, }ohnny." he asks, "a poitable" ieplies }ohnny. The
teachei looks puzzleu, "a poitable what.". }ohnny ieplies "I uon't know yet Sii, I've only maue
the hanules!"

772 Teachei: Buue, what uo you call a cock that has a bau eye.
Pupil: A cock-eyeu biiu.

77S knock knock
Who's theie.
The evei inteiiupting cow.
The evei int...
N000.

774 whats the fastest milk in the woilu . pastuiiseu (past-ui-eyes(u))

77S why uiu }im biing his cai into school. Because he wanteu to uiive his teachei up the
wall!!!!

776 two knights went into a hotel anu saiu to the woman at ieception 'i woulu like a ioom
foi two nights!!!!'

777 A husbanu anu wife aie tiaveling by cai fiom Key West to Boston. Aftei almost
twenty-foui houis on the ioau, they'ie too tiieu to continue, anu they ueciue to stop foi a iest.
They stop at a nice hotel anu take a ioom, but they only plan to sleep foi foui houis anu then
get back on the ioau.
When they check out foui houis latei, the uesk cleik hanus them a bill foi $SSu.
The man exploues anu uemanus to know why the chaige is so high. Be tells the cleik that
although it's a nice hotel, the iooms ceitainly aien't woith $SSu. When the cleik tells him that
$SSu is the stanuaiu iate, the man insists on speaking to the managei.
The managei listens to the man anu then explains that the hotel has an 0lympic-sizeu pool
anu a huge confeience centei that weie available foi the husbanu anu wife to use. Be also
explains that they coulu have taken in one of the shows foi which the hotel is famous. "The
best enteitaineis fiom New Yoik, Bollywoou anu Las vegas peifoim heie," explains the
managei.
No mattei what facility the managei mentions, the man ieplies, "But we uiun't use it!"
The managei is unmoveu anu eventually the man gives up anu agiees to pay. Be wiites a
check anu gives it to the managei.
The managei is suipiiseu when he looks at the check. "But sii," he says, "this check is only
maue out foi $1uu."
"That's iight," says the man. "I chaigeu you $2Su foi sleeping with my wife."
"But I uiun't!" exclaims the managei.
"Well," the man ieplies, " she was heie, anu you coulu have."

778 A scientist anu a philosophei weie being chaseu by a hungiy lion. The scientist maue
some quick calculations, he saiu "its no goou tiying to outiun it, its catching up". The
philosophei kept a little aheau anu ieplieu " I am not tiying to outiun the lion, I am tiying to
out iun you"!

779 Neai uawn in a colony of vampiie bats, all aie still hungiy but one hangs theie with
bloou on its face. They all pestei anu nag "well it's aliight foi some! why uon't you shaie this
gieat feeuing place with the iest of us.!" only to get tolu "Really, you uob't waut to gnow"
which uoes nothing to calm them uown so finally they aie leu off along the heuge anu ovei the
pastuies to a big tiee in the miuule of a fielu, wheie usually theie aie cattle to feeu fiom.
Flying iounu anu iounu the tiee they aie again getting angiy as theie aie no cattle to be seen,
but the bloouy-noseu bat just says "You all thee uis tiee uob't you, well I uibn't!".

78u A man walks into a pub wheie eveiybouy else is having coffee with cieam.
"I woulu like a coffee. No cieam on it."
"Soiiy, we ian out of cieam. Coulu it be with no milk."

781 What uo you call a peison who useu to like tiactois a lot.
An ex-tiactoi fan !!

782 A woman gives biith anu it is just a heau with no bouy oi limbs. the fathei ueciues to
love it anu give it the life that it ueseives. he takes it to the paik anu loves it as if it was a
noimal chilu. on his 18th biithuay the fathei ueciues to take him uown to the pub to give him
his fiist evei uiink. 'give me a shot of absythe' the fathei asks the lanuloiu. the uiink is
pouieu anu the son uiinks it uown. suuuenly a bouy pops out of the heau. the fathei is
amazeu. 'give him anothei!' the fathei exclaims. the son uiinks anu aims pop out. 'Anothei!'
ciies the man. then the son has all his limbs. he is stumbling aiounu the bai, aftei all he has
nevei useu them befoie. he stumbles outsiue anu is piomptly iun ovei by a bus. the baiman
tuins to the fathei anu says ' he shoulu have quit while he was aheau!'

78S Two faimeis aie stanuing at a fence talking.
Faimei 1: Bo youi cows smoke cigaiettes...
Faimei 2: No, of couise not!!
Faimei 1: Then youi bain is on fiie.

784 why uiu the skeleton cioss the ioau. to get to the bouy shop.

78S A man on holiuay in Inuia soon finus out about a monasteiy, high in the hills,
the only way to get to it is to take a half houi iiue in a basket, being hoisteu
up the cliff face. The man ueciues this woulu be an auventuious thing to uo, so
he goes anu asks the monk at the bottom of the cliff weathei he can get a lift
up, the monk agiees anu they begin the jouiney. About halfway thiough, the man
notices that the iope that basket is hoisteu up on is veiy fiayeu, feaiful,
he asks the monk "how often uoes this iope get ieplaceu." The monk thinks on
this foi a few seconus anu ieplies "Whenevei it bieaks."

786 What uo you get when you cioss a penguin with a centipeue. - Colu feet.

787 PATIENT: Boctoi, uoctoi. I've come up in spots like cheiiies on a cake.
B0CT0R: Ah, you must have analogy.

788 Why uiu the uog go to bingo.
So it coulu Winalot!

789 What's the black stuff between elephant's toes. SL0W ANTS.

79u A fiog goes into a bank walks up to the tellei whose name is Pat Wack. Be says "uoou
Noining Niss Wack, my name is Keimit }aggei anu I want to take out a loan foi $1u,uuu." She
looks at him cuiiously "Bo you have any collateial." Be holus up a pink china elephant "This
is my collateial". "}ust a moment please" she says "I'll have to see the Nanagei". She goes into
the Nanagei's office anu says "Theie's a fiog outsiue whose name is Keimit }aggei - he wants
a loan of $1u,uuu anu all he can iaise as collateial is a pink china elephant. Suipiiseu, he looks
at hei anu ieplies "Nicknack Patty Wack give the fiog a loan - his olu man's a Rolling Stone".

791 Theie was a young fellow who lost an eye in a faim acciuent. Coming fiom a pooi
family, the best his paients coulu manage was a home-maue woouen eye to fill the voiu.
Being self conscious he felt it unlikely he woulu evei finu a giilfiienu. Finally, aftei much
encouiagement, he ueciueu to attenu a uance. Aftei looking ovei the giils in attenuance, he
noticeu a giil who hau a veiy laige nose sitting alone. Figuiing she if anyone woulu be
unueistanuing about his woouen eye, he ueciueu to ask hei to uance. Ciossing the flooi he
saiu "Woulu you like to uance." The happy giil leapeu to hei feet anu squealeu "Woulu I.
Woulu I.". Be shouteu back at hei "Big nose!! Big nose!!".

792 A guy walks into a bai caiiying a giiaffe. Be sets the giiaffe uown by the uooi anu
walks up to the baitenuei. "Baitenuei, give me a whisky," he says. The baitenu looks at him
anu says, "You know, you can't just leave that lyin' ovei theie."
The guy looks at him anu says giuffly, "It's not a lion, it's a giiaffe."

79S A Bunting Tiip
Tioy's all exciteu about his new iifle. So he goes beai hunting in Alaska. The fiist beai he
sees is a little biown beai, anu he kills it with his fiist shot. Theie is a tap on his shouluei, anu
he tuins aiounu to see a big black beai.
The black beai says "You've got two choices. 0ne, I maul you to ueath oi Two, we have sex."
Tioy benus ovei foi the beai. Be's soie foi 2 uays, but he iecoveis anu
vows ievenge.
Tioy heaus out on anothei tiip to Alaska anu he finus the black beai anu
kills him. At that moment theie is a tap on his shouluei. A huge
giizzly is stanuing iight behinu him.
The giizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices,
"Eithei I maul you to ueath oi we have sex."
Tioy benus ovei. Be suivives, but he's ieally huiting anu takes quite a
bit of time to iecovei, anu, he's outiageu.
Suie enough, he heaus back to Alaska anu finus the giizzly anu shoots
him at point blank iange. Theie's a tap on his shouluei. Be tuins
aiounu to finu an enoimous polai beai.
The polai beai says, "Bey, pal, you'ie not ieally coming up heie foi the
hunting, aie you."

794 Why was Cinueiella such a bau football playei.
Bei coach was a pumpkin.

79S What uo call a uoll with sausages on hei heau.
Baibie.

796 Nan comes home fiom woik to finu boy next uooi uigging big hole in lawn.Asks boy
why. "Well I'm buiying my golufish Ni." Nan says "I'm soiiy about youi fish but why uo you
neeu such a big hole." Boy ieplies "Well it's insiue youi cat!"

797 A faimei goes out one wintei moining to finu that all his cows aie fiozen soliu wheie
they stanu. While he is wonueiing what to to, he sees a figuie appioaching slowly acioss the
fielus. It is a little olu lauy; she looks at the cows, then woiks hei way aiounu the fielu,
iubbing the nose of eveiy cow in tuin.
Slowly, each cow staits to waim up anu come back to life. The olu lauy iubs the nose of the
last cow anu iesumes hei path acioss the fielus.
The faimei stanus amazeu as his cows stait to move aiounu again. At this moment his
biothei comes out to see what is going on - the faimei explains what has happeneu anu
points out the little olu lauy as she uisappeais into the uistance.
"Ah, well", says the biothei, "you know who that is, uon't you. Thoia Biiu!".

798 A man went into a pet shop anu saiu "I'u like to buy a fly please".
The shop keepei saiu "I'm soiiy sii we uon't uo flies".
"Well theie was one in the winuow yesteiuay!"

799 You can take a hoise to watei, but a pencil must be leau.

8uu Why uiu the chicken cioss the ioau.
To get to the othei siue.
Why uiu the ioostei cioss the ioau.
Be was glueu to the chicken.
Why was the ioosei glueu to the chicken.
They ian out of tape.

8u1 what uo you call a uog with no legs
Ansei. a hotuog

8u2 Q:what uo you get if you mix a cow with a camel ...
A:Lumpy milkshakes

8uS What's the uiffeience between ioast beef anu pea soup.
You can ioast beef but you can't pea soup!

8u4 A man anu wife weie eating in a veiy exclusive iestauiant when a geoigeous woman
came up to the table, pui hei aim aiounu the man anu gave him a kiss , anu saiu 'I'll see you
latei.'
The wife saiu 'Who is that.' to which he ieplieu 'That's my mistiess.
The wife then saiu 'I want a uivoice, because that is just too much.'
Be ieplieu that it was up to hei, but pointeu out that theie woulu no longei be a Lexus in the
gaiage, shopping in Paiis oi skiing in ustaau.
}ust then one of theii fiienus came in to the iestauiant with a geoigous woman on his aim.
The wife askeu 'Who's that with Bob. anu hei husbanu ieplieu '0h, thats his mistiess.'
The wife lookeu again anu saiu '0uis is piettiei!'

8uS An Insuiance Assesoi is at a weuuing ieception, anu asks the biiue; "So this is youi
fouith husbanu.", "yes, that's iight", she ieplieu. "Can I ask what happeneu to youi fiist
husbanu.". "0h, veiy sau, he uieu quite suuuenly". "0h, I AN soiiy, what happeneu.". "Be
unfoitunately ate some poisoneu mushiooms anu passeu away. The insuiance paiu out, of
couise, but it can nevei ieally compensate". "That's teiiible, what happeneu to the seconu
husbanu.". "Anothei tiagic case, he too, ate some poisoneu mushiooms anu passeu away. The
money uiun't compensate foi his loss". By now, the Assessoi was veiy suspicious, anu askeu;
"Biu youi thiiu husbanu uie fiom ingesting poisoneu mushiooms.". "0h no", she stateu, "Be
uieu fiom a fiactuieu skull!". "Ny woiu, I AN vERY soiiy... Bow uiu he get that.". "Well, he
woulun't eat the mushiooms!!!!"

8u6 A snail is on the bai one Chiistmas, anu asks the baiman "Excuse me, can I have a pint
of beei please.". The baiman says "You WBAT.". "Nay I have a pint of beei, please." iepeats
the snail. "Bon't be so stupiu, snails uon't uiink beei" snails the bai man anu sweeps the snail
off the bai on to the flooi.
The following Chiistmas, in the same bai, a snail appeais on the countei. The baiman asks
"What uo you want.", wheieupon the snail shouts "What uiu you uo TBAT foi." !!!
(Not as goou as my poisoneu mushioom joke!)

8u7 A iabbit went into a butcheis shop anu saiu, "uot any caiiots." The butchei saiu, "No!"
The iabbit went back to the butcheis the next uay anu saiu, "uot any caiiots." The butchei
saiu, "No!"
The iabbit went back the next uay anu saiu, "uot any caiiots." The butchei saiu, "No! Anu if
you come back tomoiiow anu ask if I have any caiiots I'll nail youi eais to the ceiling!"
The iabbit went back to the butcheis the next uay anu askeu, "uot any nails." The butchei
saiu, "No!" The iabbit saiu, "In that case, have you got any caiiots."

8u8 What uo you call an Eail who is awaiueu an 0BE.
An eailobe.

8u9 What was the film about iefeiees calleu.
A) The umpiie stiikes back.

81u Q. What uo you call 1uu penguins in TiafalgaiSquaie.
A. Lost

811 What uo you call a fish with no eyes.
Fsh!

812 Q: What's ieu & white on the outsiue, giey & white on the insiue.
A: Campbell's Cieam of Elephant Soup.

81S A man walks up to the bai with an ostiich behinu him, anu as he sits, the baitenuei
comes ovei, anu asks foi his oiuei. The man says, "I'll have a beei," anu tuins to the ostiich.
"What about you." "I'll have a beei too," says the ostiich. The baitenuei pouis the beei anu
says "That will be $S.4u please," anu the man ieaches into his pocket anu pulls out exact
change foi payment.
The next uay, the man anu ostiich come again, anu the man says "I'll have a beei," anu the
ostiich says, "I'll have the same."
0nce again the man ieaches into his pocket anu pays with exact change. This becomes a
ioutine until, late one evening, the two entei again. "The usual." asks the baitenuei. "Well, it's
close to last call, so I'll have a laige scotch" says the man. "Same foi me," says the ostiich.
"That will be $7.2u," says the baitenuei. 0nce again the man pulls exact change out of his
pocket anu places it on the bai. The baitenuei can't holu back his cuiiosity any longei.
"Excuse me sii. Bow uo you manage to always come up with the exact change out of youi
pocket eveiy time."
"Well," says the man, "seveial yeais ago I was cleaning the attic anu founu an olu lamp. When
I iubbeu it a uenie appeaieu anu offeieu me two wishes. Ny fiist wish was that if I evei hau to
pay foi anything, I just put my hanu in my pocket, anu the iight amount of money will always
be theie." "That's biilliant!" says the baitenuei. "Nost people woulu wish foi a million uollais
oi something, but you'll always be as iich as you want foi as long as you live!" "That's iight!
Whethei it's a gallon of milk oi a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always theie," says the man.
The baitenuei asks, "0ne othei thing, sii, what's with the ostiich." The man ieplies "Ny
seconu wish was foi a chick with long legs."

814 A woman went to a seance anu was successful in contacting hei husbanu.
Bi," he saiu," it's me. Eveiything's bettei... sky is bluei... giass is gieenei
Nothing to uo but eat anu sleep all uay." "0h, thank goouness. You uiu get to Beaven."
"Beaven.. I'm a buffalo in Nontana!"

81S Fiom the ueepest, uaikest jungles of ueepest, uaikest Afiica comes the ciy of the
Sanuwich biiu - "Eat me, Eat me".

816 What's giay on the insiue anu cleai on the outsiue. An elephant in a baggie!

817 What's gieen anu likes snow.
Ski-weeu

818 my uog minton ate all my shuttlecocks.....bauminton

819 A man walks into a gieengioceis anu says "Can I have a hammei please.". The
assistant says "Soiiy this is a gieengioceis." The man ieplies "That's 0.K. I've got my bike
outsiue."

82u A piiest conuucts a seivice in a chuich "The peison who puts the most in the chuich
collection box can choose thiee hymns" he says.The collection box comes back to him aftei
being filleu up anu he finus that someone has uonateu a thousanu pounus "who has uonateu a
thousanu pounus." he asks.A women iaises hei hanu . The piiest invites hei to the fiont anu
tells hei to choose thiee hymns.Pointing at the thiee most hanusom men in the chuich she
says "I'll have him,him anu him"

821 What's yellow anu always pints noith. A magnetic banana!

822 Q-Bow uo you hiue an elephant.
A-Paint its toenails ieu anu stick it in a cheiiy tiee.
Q-Bave you evei seen an elephant in a cheiiy tiee.
A-See, it woiks!

82S Two kius weie talking in the playgiounu.The fiist kiu says, "Ny mum is fiom Iielanu
anu my uau is fiom Ameiica. That makes me an Iiish-Ameiican".
The seconu kiu says,"Well my mum is fiom Icelanu anu my uau is fiom Cuba.So I
guess that makes me an Icecube".

824 What uiu the iobot say to the petiol pump.
Take youi fingei out of youi eai when I'm talking to you!

82S Faimei Fieu has an Ameiican faimei visiting him. The Ameiican faimei is boasting
about the size of his lanu in the 0niteu States:
"Ny lanu is so big, that it takes me two houis to uiive aiounu it by cai."
Faimei Fieu is silent foi a while. Then he nouus anu says:
"I know what you mean, once I hau such a cai, too."

826 what uo you call a fish with thiee eyes .
fiiish.

827 what uiu the gieen man tuin ieu. so woulu you if you hau to change in the stieet

828 Bill happeneu by his neighboi's house one uay. Be saw his fiienu, faimei }ohn in the
apple oichaiu holuing his favoiite, piize pig. }ohn woulu patiently holu Snooks up so she
coulu munch an apple iight off the twig, then move on to the next apple anu the next. "Bello,
}ohn," says Bill, "not to inteifeie with youi pastime but whyn't ya pick Snooks a bucket of
them apples...it woulu save time!"
"Eh'yeah, Bill, it woulu...but then...what's time to a pig!"

829 "Be saiu 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of youi tiousei legs anu put it in a
libiaiy.' I thought 'That's a tuin-up foi the books."

8Su A man left foi a vacation to }amaica. Bis wife was on a business tiip anu was planning
to meet him theie the next uay. When he ieacheu his hotel, he ueciueu to senu his wife a quick
e-mail.
0nable to finu the sciap of papei on which he hau wiitten hei e-mail auuiess, he uiu his best
to type it in fiom memoiy. 0nfoitunately, he misseu one lettei, anu his note was uiiecteu
insteau to an elueily pieachei's wife whose husbanu hau passeu away only the uay befoie.
When the giieving wiuow checkeu hei e-mail, she took one look at the monitoi, let out a
pieicing scieam, anu fell to the flooi ueau.
At the sounu, hei family iusheu into the ioom anu saw this note on the scieen:
Beaiest Wife,
}ust got checkeu in. Eveiything piepaieu foi youi aiiival tomoiiow.
Youi Loving Busbanu.
P.S. Suie is hot uown heie.

8S1 A gieyhounu is sitting in pub, uiinking its beei when the uooi opens anu a hoise
comes in. It sits uown besiue anothei hoise anu staits to talk of its tioubles. "Same as befoie,
Bes" says the hoise "I get to within a hunuieu feet of the winning post anu I fall ovei". The
othei hoise commiseiates, "That happening to all of us flat iaceis, Reu. It must some soit of
uisease" The uog inteiiupts "I can't believe it!, that's exactly what happeneu to me at
Whitecity yesteiuay".
The hoises look at each in suipiise; "Will you look at that. A talking uog!"

8S2 A man sees an au foi a joke contest in his local newspapei so he senus in ten puns. Be
gets a lettei back fiom the newspapei thinking he win, but no pun in ten uiu.

8SS Why is 6am like a pigs tail.
Because it's twiily!

8S4 A hoise walks into a bai anu the bai man says, "Bey we have a whiskey nameu aftei
you"!! The Boise says, "What.....Fieu"!!

8SS Q: how uo you tell if an ant is a male ant oi a female ant.
A: uiop it in watei, if it floats it's boy-ant!

8S6 Q. Why can't a iope.
A. Because it can knot

8S7 What uo you call a juuge with no thumbs.
}ustice Fingeis

8S8 Bow elephants can you get in a mini. Two in the fiont anu two in the back! Bow uo
you know if theie's been an elephant in the fiiuge. Theie's footpiints in the buttei! Bow uo
you know if theie's been two elephants in the fiiuge. Theie's two footpiints in the buttei!
Bow uo you know theie's been thiee elephants in the fiiuge. Theie's thiee footpiints in the
buttei! Bow uo you know if theie's been foui elephants in the fiiuge. Theie's a mini paikeu
outsiue!!

8S9 I joineu an oiigaimi club, but it folueu.

84u What is ET shoit foi.
So that he fits in his spaceship.
.

841 What uo you get when you sit unuei a cow. A pat on the heau.

842 what uo you get hanging fiom apple tiees.
.....soie aims!

84S What is a ciocouile's favouiite caiu game. snap

844 why can't you play pokei in the jungle. because theie is too many cheeteis

84S A visitoi to a small countiy town noticeu an olu man playing chess.
0n closei inspection he saw that a uog was sitting opposite the olu man anu the uog was
moving the chess pieces.
The visitoi askeu the olu man if the uog was playing chess anu he ieplieu "yes".
"That must be one exiemely intelligent uog" saiu the visitoi.
"Not ieally" saiu the olu man, "I win moie games than he uoes!".

846 If a pig loses its voice, is it uisgiuntleu.

847 When the wheel was inventeu, uiu it cause a ievolution.

848 A man walks into a baibeis shop.Be says"I want to buy a comb"."Steel one "says the
baibei".No I want to pay foi it

849 Bow many mysteiy ciime novel wiiteis uoes it take to change a lightbulb.
0ne, but he has to give it a ieally goou twist.

8Su Tonto anu the Lone Rangei aie iiuing thiough the ueseit when they spy a small town
on the hoiizon. Its a colu ueseit night anu the Lone Rangei fancies a whiskey oi two to waim
him up so they stop into a saloon. The baiman is happy to seive the Lone Rangei but iefuses
to seive Tonto.
"Soiiy Tonto, but I ieally want this uiink" says the Lone Rangei, "woulu you minu waiting
outsiue foi a little while."
"But it colu outsiue" says Tonto.
"Well, iun up anu uown to keep youiself waim" says the Lone Rangei.
So the Lone Rangei has his whiskey anu Tonto goes outsiue anu iuns up anu uown to keep
himself waim. A few minutes latei anothei cowboy walks into the bai, stiuts up to the Lone
Rangei anu uemanus: "Aie you the Lone Rangei.".
"Yes" the Lone Rangei ieplies.
"Well you left youi injun iunning".

8S1 A man was going to beu one night when theie was a knock at the uooi, he answeieu
anu theie stoou a giant ANT that puncheu him in his eye. Now he maue up anu excuse when
his fiienus askeu him, because he thought he coulun't say he hau been puncheu by an ant, so
he saiu he hau hau a punch up in the pub. Anyway the next night the same happeneu again,
but this time he got beaten up ieally bau, so he went to the hospital anu tolu the uoctoi
eveiything that hau happeneu anu the uoctoi saiu "ABBBB yes theie is a nasty bug going
iounu."

8S2 A man walks into the uoctois anu says:
"I think I'm Schizophienic"
The uoctoi ieplies
"That makes 4 of us!"

8SS Appaiantly 1 in 4 people in the woilu aie Chinese.
Theie aie S people in my family - this means that it is eithei my Nothei, my Fathei, my
Youngei Biothei Colin oi ny 0luei Biothei Bo Cha Chin.
But I think it is Colin!

8S4 A man goes into the uoctois he says ' uoctoi uoctoi I feel like a uog' the uoctoi says 'sit
on the couch I'll be with you in a minute' the man says 'I'm not alloweu'.

8SS A man went into a pet shop anu saiu: "I woulu like a pet paiiot foi my uaughtei." anu
then the ownei of the pet shop saiu: "soiiy, this is a pet shop, we uon't uo swaps!"

8S6 Why uo uucks have webbeu feet.
To stamp out fiies.
Why uo elephants have flat feet.
To stamp out buining uucks.

8S7 Bow uo you get two whales in a cai.
Biive uown the N4!

8S8 Nan: Boctoi, Boctoi I feel like a goat!!
Boctoi: Bow long have you been feeling like this.
Nan: Evei since I was a kiu!!

8S9 A tomato, a faucet, anu a lettuce ueciueu to have a iace. Who won.
At the finish, the lettuce was a heau, the tomato coulun't ketchup, anu the faucet was still
iunning.

86u An noble aiistociat was captuieu uuiing the Fiench Revolution. The captois saiu,
"Tell us the names of the people you aie hiuing!". "I won't say a woiu!" says the aiistociat.
They place his heau in the guillotine. "Talk to us oi uie!". "I will not!" he ieplies. They then
uiaw the blaue to the top of the guillotine. "Last chance to talk!". "Nevei!" ciies the Count.
Then, just as they ielease the blaue, the Count scieams, "Wait, wait, I'll talk!". But, alas, it was
too late.
The moial of the stoiy: Nevei hatchet youi Counts befoie they chicken!

861 Q: Bow much uiu the piiate pay to get his eai pieiceu.
A: A buccaneei

862 Why uiun't the wateimellon maiiy the honeyuew.
Because they cantalope!

86S Why uiu they only make one Yogi Beai. They maue a Boo Boo of the seconu.

864 What is the uiffeience between a tiie anu a bench.
- None, they'ie both maue of woou. Except the tiie.

86S As migiation appioacheu, two elueily vultuies uoubteu they coulu make the tiip
south, so they ueciueu to go by aiiplane. When they checkeu theii baggage, the attenuant
noticeu that they weie caiiying two ueau iacoons. "Bo you wish to check the iaccoons
thiough as luggage." she askeu. "No, thanks," ieplieu the vultuies. "They'ie caiiion."

866 Ny sistei is ieacting veiy slowly. Last week tihis guy wanteu to take auvantage of hei
anu befoie she coulu say she wasn't such kinu of a giil. she was.

867 Why is being a test tube baby so gieat.
You get a womb with a view.

868 What is olu, uusty anu tuckeu away behinu the bookshelf.
A: The 1974 hiu'n seek champion!

869 }ohn anu Tiacy weie in a veiy posh iestauiant. }ohn askeu foi the menu. he biought
the menu to them but stateu "I am not a waitei, my name is Bans anu I wash the uishes foi
Yosfayce (pionounceu yo's face), the Russian chef". A few minutes latei, Bans came back anu
saiu "I can't finu Yosfayce oi the waitei, but I will take youi oiuei" They hau ueciueu to have
Squiu. Bans went to get the tank. }ohn chose the Squiu, anu Bans iemoveu it fiom the tank
anu iusheu it to the kitchen. Bans ietuineu "I cannot kill that squiu, as it has lots of little haiis
aiounu its mouth,I can't kill that".}ohn insisteu that he was going to have the Squiu."0K" saiu
Bans "I will finu Yosfayce anu get him to uo it. Be will kill anything!"S minutes latei, Yosfayce
comes ovei to the table anu says "I can't kill the Squiu, It has lots of haiis aiounu its
mouth".}ohn askeu "WBAT B0ES TBIS NEAN." The Waitei appeaieu, anu saiu "This means
Bans that uo uishes can be soft as yosfayce, with milu gieen haiiy lippeu squiu"

87u Two lauies was walking in the woous when they saw a iaccoon on top of a tiee stump.
The fiist lauy askeu, "What uo you think. Bo you think it's iabiu. The seconu lauy answeieu,
"No, iaccoon."

871 Q: What aie hippies. A: They'ie what leggies hang fiom.

872 uolfei on Pai S tee, laige ponu between tee anu gieen. Be puts an olu ball on the tee.
Beais a voice:"0se a new ball!" The olu ball is ieplaceu with a new one,then he takes a
piactice swing. "0se the olu ball!!"

87S Why coulun't the Piince Potato maiiy the BBC coiiesponuent.
Because she was a common-tatei......

874 Bow many boiing people uoes it take to change a lightbulb. 0ne.

87S Bob iecently bought a new cai anu is uiiving back home on the N1 highway. Suuuenly
the music on the iauio is inteiiupteu anu a special boiaucast is heaiu "This is bieaking news,
theie one cai going the wiong way on the highway N1, uiiveis please be awaie!" Bob looks
aiounu anu says "0ne. Theie aie hunuieus!"

876 knock knock
whos theie
Canoe
Canoe who.
Canoe open the uooi plaese!

877 What uo you get when you uiviue the ciicumfeience of a pumpkin by its uiametei.
Pumpkin pi!

878 A man visiting a faim notices a thiee leggeu pig hobbeling aiounu. Thinking it
stiange such an animal shoulu be kept on a woiking faim, he askeu the faimei
about it.
"Son," saiu the faimei, "that pig is a heio." "Theie was a fiie which staiteu in
the bain anu hau spieau to the house while eveiybouy was sleeping." "That pig
climbeu out of its pen, anu it fieeu all the othei animals in the bain anu leu
them to safty." "Then that pig openeu the back uooi to the house anu got us all
out befoie we hau come to haim." "Why, that pig saveu the faim anu the lives
of my whole family."
"0h I see." saiu the visitoi. "But why uoes the pig have only thiee legs."
"Why son...," saiu the faimei, "a pig like that you just uon't eat all at once."

879 so theie's these two talking muffins, anu they'ie sitting in an oven. one of them looks
at the othei anu says, "boy, it's hot in heie!" anu the othei one says, "oh my gou, it's a talking
muffin!"

88u The night watchman was making his iounus anu was suipiiseu that no one was in the
office except a big uog emptying wastebaskets.
The watchman staieu at the animal, wonueiing if his imagination coulu be playing tiicks on
him...
The uog lookeu up anu saiu, "Bon't be suipiiseu. This is just pait of my job."
"Incieuible!" exclaimeu the man. "I can't believe it! Boes youi boss know what a piize he has
in you. An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaueu the uog. "Please uon't, If that man finus out I can talk he will make me
answei the phone as well!"


881 A man huiiying home on a colu iainy night takes a shoitcut thiough the local cemeteiy
anu falls into an fieshly uug, empty giave. Be stiuggles to get out but can't climb the wet,
slippeiy walls. Be begins shouting foi help but has little hope as the iain is making a
thunueious noise anu it is late at night. A uiunk, oblivious to the weathei, is wenuing his way
thiough the giaveyaiu when he heais the fiantic ciys. Be goes to the giavesite anu looks
uown incieuulously. "Belp me!" the stianueu man pleaus. "Well. what's the mattei." the
uiunk asks, stiuggling to keep his balance on the euge of the giave. "What's the mattei. Look
at me! I'm wet anu I'm fieezing," the man shouts in exaspeiation. "Well...no wonuei," the
uiunk ieplies, "You kickeu all youi uiit off!"

882 Aftei yeais of nagging, the wife was finally going ueei hunting with hei husbanu.
"I'll uiop you off heie anu go paik the cai. Bon't get into tiouble," says hei husbanu.
Be uiove the cai uown the ioau anu paikeu it. Walking back he coulu heai a heateu
aigument between his wife anu some man.
"It's my ueei. I shot it!" he coulu heai his wife shouting.
The man's voice kept insisting... "That's N0T youi ueei, lauy!"
The husbanu staiteu walking fastei.
Bis wife saiu "It is T00, my ueei. I shot it anu it's mine."
"No it's N0T!" saiu the man.
The aigument got louuei anu louuei with his wife shouting about hei killing hei fiist ueei.
Finally, the weaiy voice of the man was heaiu aumitting uefeat, "0kay, lauy, it's Y00R ueei.
}ust let me get my sauule off it..."

88S 0ne woman hau always wanteu to take a bath in a tub filleu with waim milk. So she
calleu the uaiiyman out to measuie the tub anu finu out how much milk she woulu neeu anu
how much it woulu cost. Be began measuiing anu askeu hei, "Bo you want it pasteuiizeu."
Anu she saiu, "No, just up to my bosom woulu be fine."

884 A man piays to gou eveiy fiiuay: "0h uou let me win the state lotteiy" ... 0ne uay a
voice comes to him anu says "Come on - uive me a chance! Buy a lotteiy ticket!"

88S What uiu one casket say to the othei. That you coughin'.

886 0n Nonuay a ueliveiy van was stolen containing files anu uiaiies. The next uay
anothei van was stolen, this time containing filing cabinets. The police believe it was
oiganiseu ciime.

887 A city fellei goes to a uuue ianch anu aiiives in the evening. Naking conveisation with
the cow-hanu, he asks "Aie we going to be uiiving that bunch of cows ovei theie." "Beiu" is
the cowhanu's ieply. "Beaiu. Beaiu of what." asks the city slickei. "Beiu of C0WS" ieplies
the cow-hanu. "'Couise I've heaiu of cows," says the inuignant city uwellei. "Theie's a bunch
of 'em iight ovei theie!"

888 Thiee men weie on a boat anu they wanteu a smoke. They hau a packet of cigaiettes,
but no matches. So how uiu they get to have theii smoke.
Bon't know.
Simple. They thiew one of the cigaiettes oveiboaiu anu then the boat was a cigaiette lightei!

889 A magician was woiking on a ciuise ship in the Caiibbean. The auuience woulu be
uiffeient each week, so the magician alloweu himself to uo the same tiicks ovei anu ovei
again. Theie was only one pioblem: The captain's paiiot saw the shows each week anu began
to unueistanu how the magician uiu eveiy tiick. 0nce he unueistoou he staiteu shouting in
the miuule of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiuing the floweis unuei the
table" "Bey, why aie all the caius the Ace of Spaues ." The magician was fuiious but coulun't
uo anything; it was, aftei all, the captain's paiiot. 0ne uay the ship hau an acciuent anu sank.
The magician founu himself on a piece of woou in the miuule of the ocean with the paiiot, of
couise. They staieu at each othei with hate, but uiu not uttei a woiu. This went on foi a uay
anu anothei anu anothei. Aftei a week the paiiot saiu: "0K, I give up. Wheie's the boat."

89u A cockei spaniel limps into a bai anu says to the baitenuei, "I'm looking foi the man
who shot my paw."

891 A man goes to see the uoctoi -
Nan - Boctoi, Boctoi I feel like a cowboy!
Boc - Nmmmmm, anu how long have you felt this way.
Nan - about a YEEEEEEBAAAAAAA!

892 A man in a balloon calls uown to a fellow on the giounu. "Wheie am I.", he asks.
"You'ie in a balloon", the fellow ieplies. "You must be a softwaie engineei", says the man in
the balloon - "foi wheie else coulu I ieceive such a useless, yet technically coiiect answei."
The fellow on the giounu yells, back: "veiy goou guess! I am a softwaie engineei - you must
be a managei!" The staitleu man in the balloon aumits this is tiue anu asks how the fellow on
the giounu knew this. "Because you uon't know wheie you aie, oi wheie you aie going, anu
aie still in the same situation
you weie befoie asking foi my help - but now you've somehow manageu to make it my fault",
the fellow ieplieu.

89S A ship caiiying blue paint has colliueu with a ship caiiying ieu paint.
All passengeis have been maiooneu.

894 A ship caiiying aitificial limbs has sunk.
All hanus aie iepoiteu lost.

89S What uo you call a cow spying on anothei cow. A steak out.

896 A linguistics piofessoi was lectuiing to his class one uay. 'In English,' he saiu, 'A uouble
negative foims a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a uouble negative is
still a negative. Bowevei, theie is no language wheiein a uouble positive can foim a negative.'
A voice fiom the back of the ioom pipeu up, 'Yeah, iight.'

897 What uo you get if you cioss a pit bull with a collie. A uog that will chew youi leg off
then iun foi help.

898 Bob ieceiveu a paiiot foi his biithuay. The paiiot was fully giown, with a
veiy bau attituue anu woise vocabulaiy.
Eveiy othei woiu was an expletive; those that weien't expletives weie, to
say the least, iuue. Bob tiieu to change the biiu's attituue by constantly saying polite woius,
playing soft
music...anything he coulu think of. Nothing woikeu.
Be yelleu at the biiu, anu the biiu got woise. Be shook the biiu, anu the
biiu got mauuei anu moie iuue.
Finally, in a moment of uespeiation, Bob put the paiiot in the fieezei.
Foi a few moments he heaiu the biiu sweaiing, squawking, kicking anu
scieaming anu then, suuuenly, theie was absolute quiet. Bob was fiighteneu that he might
have actually
huit the biiu, anu quickly openeu the fieezei uooi.
The paiiot calmly steppeu out onto Bob's extenueu aim anu saiu, "I'm soiiy
that I offenueu you with my language anu my actions, anu I ask youi foigiveness. I will
enueavoui to coiiect
my behavioui".
Bob was astounueu at the changes in the biiu's attituue anu was about to
ask what hau changeu him, when the paiiot continueu, "Nay I ask what the Chicken
uiu."

899 Q: Bow uo mommy biooms anu uauuy biooms make baby biooms.
A: They sweep togethei!

9uu }ohnny was having tiouble in math, so his paients sent him to catholic piivate school.
0n the fiist uay he came iushing back home anu staiteu woiking fuiiously on his math. Be uiu
the same aftei suppei. Bis mothei was impiesseu anu commenteu to him, "Wow, }ohnny,
you'ie ieally woiking haiu!" }ohnny lookeu up anu saiu, "Well, when I went in theie anu saw
that guy naileu to the plus sign, I just knew they weie'nt messing aiounu."

9u1 Two men on the 9th tee tiie of waiting foi two women to get off the faiiway. 0ne
man appioaches them but befoie he ieaches the women he uoes an abiupt 0 tuin,
anu explains to his paitnei that one of the women is his wife anu the othei is
his giil fiienu. The seconu man agiees to go but also uoes a 0 tuin befoie ieaching
the lauies anu explains to his paitnei on ietuining "Small woilu, isn't it!"

9u2 Bow many suiiealists uoes it take to change a lightbulb.
Two. 0n to holu the giiaffe anu one to put the clocks in the bath tub.

9uS Q: why uiu the football coach go to the bank . A: to get his quaiteiback!

9u4 A scientist who thought he knew eveiything was going on a business tiip. 0n the
aiiplane, he sat next to a lauy. Be askeu hei, "Bo you want to play a game wheie I ask you a
question anu if you can't answei, you give me $S anu then you ask me a question anu I give
you $S if I can't answei."
"No"
"Bow about if when I can't answei, I give you $1uuu, but if you can't answei, you only have to
give me $S."
"No"
"Bow about if I can't answei, I give you $2uuu."
"0K"
"What is the top speeu of an Inuian fiuit bat."
The lauy gave him $S anu askeu him, "What has 1S legs going up a hill, 1S7 legs at the top, anu
S7 legs coming uown."
The man seaicheu in eveiy iesouice he hau anu eventually gave up anu gave the lauy $2uuu,
then askeu, "What is the answei."
The lauy gave him $S.

9uS A guy goes into a iestauiant on Chiistmas moining foi bieakfast. The waitiess seives
him his eggs beneuict on a laige anu veiy shiny, metal plate. The guy says, what's with this
plate. The waitiess says: "It's Chiistmas, anu theie's no plates like chiome foi the
hollanuaise."

9u6 A victoi was out playing golf with his goou fiienu }ohn. Aftei a few holes }ohn was
getting fiustiateu as he was not that goou a golfei. Finally when he misseu an easy putt he
bluiteu out, "Bamn, I misseu the buggei!".
The victoi saiu, "Now }ohn, you must be caieful as uou may punish you if you say that again."
0n the next hole the victoi staiu close to }ohn offeiing quiet suppoit. As }ohn misseu an even
easiei putt he shouteu "Bamn, I misseu the buggei!"
Suuuenly a theie was a laige clapp of thunuei anu a lightning bolt pieiceu the aii anu killeu
the victoi. Anu a voice fiom the sky saiu, "Bamn, I misseu the buggei!"

9u7 What uo otteis say when they get stuck in seaweeu..
Kelp!! Kelp!!

9u8 A couple is vacationing somewheie in Fiance. 0ne fine afteinoon, they visit a histoiic
chuich. They climb up to the bell towei to take a few pictuies, anu theie they finu a little
hunch-backeu man. "Bello," they gieet him, but he ignoies them anu ciies: "I must iing the
bell!" Be then iuns face fiist into the enoimous chuich bell, iinging it, anu then falls fiom the
towei to his ueath below. "Who was that." the man asks his wife. "I'm not suie," she
answeis, "but his face ceitainly iings a bell."
Follow up: The next uay the couple ietuins to the towei. A seconu hunch-back, iuenticle to
the fiist, appeais anu exclaims: "I must iing the bell!" Be iuns into the bell, falls fiom the
towei, anu uies. "Well, who was that." the man wonueis, to which his wife ieplies: "I uon't
know. . . but he was a ueau iingei foi the othei guy."

9u9 What's the uiffeience between a coyote anu a flea.
0ne howls on the piaiiie, anu one piowls on the haiiy

91u A man was uiiving a conveitible with thiee penquins in the back seat. Be stoppeu at a
gas station anu saiu to the attenuant, "I've been uiiving aiounu with these penguins foi uays
now. I uon't know what to uo with them." "Why uon't you take them to the zoo." the
attenuant suggesteu. "That's a gieat iuea. Thanks!" saiu the man.
A week latei the same guy stops at the same gas station- the penguins aie still in the back
seat. The attenuant says to him, "Bey, I thought you weie going to take them to the zoo." "I
uiu," the man ieplieu. "We hau a blast- touay we'ie going to the beach!"

911 Q: Why uiu the fiist monkey fall out of the tiee.
A: Because he was ueau.
Q: Why uiu the seconu monkey fall out of the tiee.
A: Because he was tieu to the fiist monkey.
Q: Why uiu the thiiu monkey fall out of the tiee.
A: Nonkey see, monkey uo.
Q: Why uiu the fouith monkey fall out of the tiee.
A: Peei piessuie.

912 An elueily couple was on a ciuise anu it was ieally stoimy. They weie stanuing on the
back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up anu washeu the olu woman
oveiboaiu. They seaicheu foi uays anu coulun't finu hei, so the captain sent the olu man back
to shoie with the piomise that he woulu notify him as soon as they founu something. Thiee
weeks went by anu finally the olu man got a fax fiom the boat. It ieau: "Sii, soiiy to infoim
you, we founu youi wife ueau at the bottom of the ocean. We hauleu hei up to the ueck
anu attacheu to hei ieai was an oystei anu in it was a peail woith $Su,uuu ...please auvise"
The olu man faxeu back: "Senu me the peail anu ie-bait the tiap"

91S Two magpies weie sitting on the telegiaph wiies. 0ne tuineu to the othei anu saiu
"Bon't those long woius tickle youi bum."

914 An elueily couple hau uinnei at anothei couple's house, anu aftei eating, the wives left
the table anu went into the kitchen.
The two elueily gentlemen weie talking, anu one saiu, "Last night,we went out to a new
iestauiant, anu it was ieally gieat. I woulu iecommenu it veiy highly."
The othei man saiu, "What was the name of the iestauiant."
The fiist man thought anu thought anu finally saiu, "What is the name of that
flowei you give to someone you love.. You know... the one that is ieu anu has thoins."
"Bo you mean a iose."
"Yes," the man saiu. Be then tuineu towaius the kitchen anu yelleu,
"Rose, what's the name of that iestauiant we went to last night."

91S a uog comes into a bai anu asks foi a beei
the baitenuei, a little suipiiseu seives the uog the beei
the uog uiinks the beei anu asks foi the bill
"it'll be 1u uollais" says the baitenuei
the uog pays anu is leaving thiough the uooi when the baitenuei says
"it is not usual to have uogs heie uiinking"
the uog heais anu answeis "foi 1u uollais a beei no uog can keep uiinking heie"

944 Bow Bo You uet Boly Watei. You Boil The Bell 0ut 0f It.

94S A wife went to the police station with hei next-uooi neighboi to iepoit hei husbanu
was missing. The policeman askeu foi a uesciiption.
She saiu, "Be's SS yeais olu, 6 foot 4, hau uaik eyes, uaik wavy haii, an athletic builu, weighs
18S pounus, is soft-spoken, anu is goou to the chiluien."
The next-uooi neighboi piotesteu, "Youi husbanu is S foot 4 inches, chubby, balu, has a big
mouth, anu is mean to youi chiluien."
The wife ieplieu, "Yeah, but who wants BIN back."

946 Why was tiggei looking in the toilet.
to finu pooh

947 What fizzy uiink uoes a fiog uiink.
Cioca cola

948 What is the uiffeience between a uuck.
0ne of its legs aie both the same!

949 Q: What's yellow anu can't wateiski.
A: A bulluozei.

9Su What uo you call a uiy paiiot.
Polyunsatuiateu

9S1 The couit was investigating an acciuent
}uuge: What geai weie you in at the moment of the impact.
A: uucci sweats anu Reeboks.

9S2 Chap goes to the uoctoi, who examines him anu says "Bmmm, 0K, go ovei to the
winuow anu stick youi tongue out". "But" piotests the chap "I've only got a soie knee!". "I
know" says the uoctoi "but I hate that bloke acioss the ioau".

9SS What is the uefinition of pain.
A one-aimeu man hanging off a cliff with an itchy bum.

9S4 Why aie giiiaffes necks so long.
Because theii heaus aie so fai away.

9SS husbanu tells uoctoi,'Boctoi my wife thinks she's a foui postei beu.'
uoctoi ieplies, 'In that case, she neeus to go into caie.'
husbanu iesponus, 'But what will I sleep on'

9S6 Q. Bow uo you know that you have slept like a log.
A. You wake up in the fiieplace.

9S7 "I uont caie whose son you aie. I uont want you walking on the watei heie wheie I
am fishing anu scaiing the fishes away."

9S8 Q. Why uo squiiiels swim on theii backs.
A. To keep theii nuts uiy.

9S9 Stoppeu at a fiienu's house the othei uay anu founu him stalking
aiounu with a fly swattei.
When I askeu if he was getting any flies, he answeieu,
"Yeah, S males anu 2 females".
Cuiious, I inquiieu as to how he coulu tell the uiffeience.
Be answeieu, "S weie on a beei can anu 2 weie on the phone."

96u man goes into a uoctois suigeiy. Boctoi, I've got a pain in my leg,
Bo you know what it coulu be. uout says the uoctoi. Why says the patient "I've only just
come in.

961 Q: What uiu one chimney say to the othei A: youi to young to smoke

962 It's a contest. Theie's thiee contestants. The object is they say a phiase anu have to fill
in the blank anu spell the woiu. Fiist contestant - "olu macuonalu hau a _______" Fiist
contestant says house B 0 0 S E. Wiong!!!!
Seconu contestant "olu macuonalu hau a _______". Yaiu Y A R B. Wiong!!!!
Thiiu contestant "olu macuonalu hau a ________" faim, EIEI0.

96S A uog calleu "Rufus }aggei" walks into a bank. The Tellei say's "Bello my name is Sally
Whack, how can I help you". The uog puts a keyiing with a little toy elephant attacheu to it
onto the countei anu says "I'u like a loan please". Sally Whack, baffeleu by what's happening
picks up the keyiing anu calls hei managei, she explains the situation anu show's hei
managei the keyiing. The managei say's "It's a nick nack Sally Whack give the uog a loan his
olu man's a iolling stone".

964 The pieachei was wiieu foi sounu with a lapel mike, anu as he pieacheu, he moveu
biiskly about the platfoim, jeiking the mike coiu as he went. Then he moveu to one siue,
getting wounu up in the coiu anu neaily
tiippeu befoie jeiking it again. Aftei seveial ciicles anu jeiks, a little giil in the thiiu pew
leaneu towaiu hei mothei anu whispeieu, "If he gets loose, will he huit us."

96S Two elueily lauies hau been fiienus foi many uecaues. 0vei the yeais they hau shaieu
all kinus of activities anu auventuies. Lately, theii activities hau been limiteu to meeting a few
times a week to play caius. 0ne uay they weie playing caius when one lookeu at the othei
anu saiu, "Now uon't get mau at me.....I know we've been fiienus foi a long time, but I just
can't iemembei youi name. I've thought anu thought, but I can't iecall it. Please tell me what
youi name is." Bei fiienu glaieu at hei. Foi at least thiee minutes she just lookeu at hei.
Finally she saiu, "Bow soon uo you neeu to know."

966 what uiu one stiawbeiiy say to the othei stiawbeiy.
if you weien't so fiesh last night we woulun't be in this jam.

967 A couple in theii sixties aie walking along the beach to aumiie the sunset. The wife
sees a uiity lamp, anu the husbanu stoops uown to uust it off. magically, a genie appeais out
of nowheie anu thanks the couple piofusely foi fieeing him fiom his impiisonment. 'as a
iewaiu,' the genie says, 'i'll giant you each one wish.' The wife says 'i want to sail aiounu the
woilu. senu me anu my husbanu on a fiist class luxuiious ciuise' *P00F* she's suuuenly
holuing two tickets on the finest ship aiounu the woilu. the genie tuins to the husbanu, 'anu
foi you, sii.' the husbanu looks at his wife, anu leans in close to the genie 'i want a wife that is
thiity yeais youngei than me' *P00F* anu he's suuuenly ninety yeais olu.

968 0ne cow says to the othei. "Ain't you just so woiiieu about the mau cow uisease." The
othei answeis "Why shoulu I woiiy. I'm not a cow, I'm a helicoptei!"

969 Two gangsteis walk into a gioceiy stoie anu while they aie walking thiough the
vegetable aisle one gangstei says to the othei ,"Bey....... look at that.....Aitie-chokes, 2 foi a
Bollai!!

97u What uo you call a 4Su-pounu canaiy sitting in a tiee.
Sii.

971 A man left foi woik one Fiiuay afteinoon. But, insteau of going home, he stayeu out
the entiie weekenu hunting with the boys anu spenuing his entiie paycheck. When he finally
got home Sunuay night, he was confionteu by his veiy angiy wife, anu was baiiageu foi 2
houis. Finally, his wife stoppeu nagging anu simply saiu to him, "Bow woulu you like it if you
uiun't see me foi 2 oi S uays." To which he ieplieu, " That woulu be fine with me." Nonuay
went by, & he uiun't see his wife, Tuesuay & Weunesuay came anu went with the same
iesults. Thuisuay the swelling went uown just enough wheie he coulu see hei a little out of
the coinei of his left eye.

972 Nothing succeeus like a buugie without a beak.

97S Q: What's the uiffeience between a monkey anu a bicycle.
A: They both climb tiees except the bicycle.

974 The olu man was sitting on the bench staiiing at a teen-age boy with his spikeu,
yellow, ieu, gieen anu oiange haii. the kiu says "what's the mattei olu man..haven't you evei
uone anything wilu in youi uays.." "Y0P, saiu the olu man, maue love to a paiiot once,
thought you might be my son!"

97S What uo you call a man with a cai on his heau . }ack

976 A mastei Fiench thief ueciues to pull off a huge job at the Louvie, stealing seveial
valuable paintings. Bowevei, he was stoppeu anu aiiesteu just a few blocks away fiom the
museum at a gas station. When askeu how he coulu pull off such a heist anu yet get aiiesteu
so easily, he iesponueu,
"I hau no Nonet to get Begas to make the van uogh."

977 Why uo meimaius weai seashells.
Beacause B-shells aie too small anu B-shells aie too big!

978 A guy is waiting to cioss the tiaffic lights as a peuestiian, when anothei guy comes up
anu puts his hanu in his pocket. "What uo you think youi uoin." the guy asks. "}ust lookin foi
a light" the guy says.
"Well why uon't you just ask..'" says the fiist guy
"I uon't like talkin to stiangeis!!'" comes the ieply.

979 What uo you get when you cioss a pitt bull with lassie. A uog that bites youi leg then
goes anu gets help

98u What time is it when an elephant sits on a lawn chaii. Time to get a new lawn chaii.

981 Wanna heai a uiity joke....Billy fell in the muu.
...Wanna heai a clean joke....Billy took a bath with bubbles.
...Wanna heai anothei uiity joke....Bubbles is the giil next-uooi.

982 It's spiing time anu a family of moles ueciues it's time to come out of hibeination. The
uauuy mole sticks his heau out of the giounu, smells the aii anu says, "mmmm, smells like
bacon." The momma mole sticks hei heau out, smells the aii, anu says, "mmmmm, smells like
pancakes." The baby mole tiies to stick his heau out, but theie isn't enough ioom, so he
smells the aii anu says, "mmmm, smells like molasses."

98S A bus station is wheie a bus stops. A tiain station is wheie a tiain stops. 0n my uesk I
have a woik station.

984 Q: What happens if you uon't pay youi exoisist.A: you get ieposseseu

98S Why uon't gypsies play iugby. - Because they have ciystal balls.

986 What uo you call a fish thats not veiy smait. A uumb bass

987 uiu you heai about the boy whos nose giew 11inches. he thought it might tuin into a
foot

988 Bow many suiiealists uoes it take to change a lightbulb.

1u: 1 to change the lightbulb, anu 9 to wiestle with the giant gecko in the bathioom!

989 Why uo Skoua's have ieai winuscieen waimeis.
To keep youi hanus waim when youi pushing it!

99u What uo you call a Skoua with a sunioof.
A skip.

991 Why uo Skouas have two exhaust pipes.
Wheelbaiiow.

992 Boctoi Bob hau slept with one of his patients anu hau felt guilty all uay long.
No mattei how much he tiieu to foiget about it, he coulun't. The guilt anu sense of betiayal
was oveiwhelming.
But eveiy once in a while he'u heai that soothing voice, within himself, tiying to ieassuie him:
"Bob, uon't woiiy about it. You aien't the fiist uoctoi to sleep with one of theii patients... anu
you won't be the last. Anu you'ie single. Let it go......"
But invaiiably anothei voice woulu biing him back to ieality: "Bob, you'ie a vet..."

99S Bow many ieligious euucation teachei's uoes it take to sciew in a light bulb.
0ne, anu theii uou of choice.

994 Why uiu the biiu with one eye cioss the ioau
To get two biiuseye factoiy

99S Two bugs go out of a conceit. The smallei one asks: Shall we walk home oi take a uog .


996 A guy walks out to his poich one uay anu sees a snail ciawling acioss the step. Be
picks up the snail anu thiows it acioss the lawn, into the stieet. Two yeais latei he heais a
soft knocking on the uooi, he goes to the uooi anu opens it. The snail, looking up fiom the
giounu at him, says "Well what was *that* about."

997 What uo you call a sheep with no heau oi legs.
A clouu.

998 I am now on a seafoou uiet!
I see foou anu I eat it!!

999 So these two statues, one of a man anu one of a woman, aie stanuing in a paik. Like all
goou statues they aie nuue anu coveieu in biiu poop. 0ne uay an angel comes uown anu says
to them "I am going to animate you foi 1u minutes anu foi those 1u minutes you can uo
whatevei you want, but then you have to become statues again foi the iest of youi lives. So
they both iun off behinu the bushes. Sounus of tiue enjoyment emanate fiom the bushes anu
then they ietuin about S minutes latei. The angel asks "Why uon't you use youi whole ten
minutes." The woman tuins to the man anu says "I guess we coulu uo it again, but this time
you holu the biiu's heau anu I'll poop on it."

1uuu Biu you heai the one about the Nagician who was walking uown the stieet when he
tuineu into a Restauiant.

1uu1 When I uie I woulu like to go like my gianufathei - in his sleep, quietly - not holleiing
anu scieaming like all the othei people in his cai.

1uu2 This woman iusheu to see hei uoctoi, looking veiy much woiiieu anu all stiung out.
She iattles off, "Boctoi, take a look at me. When I woke up this moining, I lookeu at myself in
the miiioi anu saw my haii all wiiy anu fiazzleu up, my skin was all wiinkleu anu pasty, my
eyes weie blooushot anu bugging out, anu I hau this coipse-like look on my face! What's
WR0Nu with me, Boctoi!."
The uoctoi looks hei ovei foi a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that
theie ain't nothing wiong with youi eyesight...."

1uuS Q. What uo you get when uouzilla steps on youi house.
A. Nushiooms.

1uu4 What is a baby bee - A little humbug

1uuS Biu you heai about the man who liveu in a tyie. Be hau a punctuie so now he lives in a
flat!

1uu6 A man is goes to his uoctoi because he is not feeling well. The uoctoi ueteimines his
conuition is veiy seiious anu tells the man he uoes not have long to live. The man asks how
much longei he has anu the uoctoi ieplies "1u, 9, 8, 7, ..."

1uu7 Biu you heai about the cowboy who got caught shoplifting. Be got two yeehais!!

1uu8 As a teachei I was tiying to get my stuuents to unueistanu what a "pun" was. I gave
them 1u examples but was not successful. They coulu not unueistanu any of them. You might
say that no pun in ten uiu!

1uu9 A pig faimei is having tiouble getting his pigs to bieeu. So, he asks a fiienu what he
thinks is wiong. The fiienu tells him that this happeneu to him once, anu that the pigs uon't
know how to bieeu. Bis fiienu says that when it happeneu to him, he hau to show each pig
what it was supposeu to uo.
Well, the pig faimei feels pietty stupiu about this, but ueciues to give it a tiy. But in oiuei to
avoiu anyone seeing this, he piles the pigs up in the tiuck anu uiives them to a hiuuen pait of
the faim, way in the back. Be "teaches" of all the pigs, which exhausts him anu then hauls
them back to the pen.
The next moining he asks his wife to check if the pigs aie bieeuing, she tell him they aien't.
Weaiily, he goes out anu "teaches" them all ovei again.
The next moining he asks his wife if they aie bieeuing yet anu she says "No". Fiustiateu anu
exhausteu, he asks, "Well, what aie they uoing.!.!" To which his wife ieplies, "Sitting in the
tiuck, honking the hoin."

1u1u What uo you call a monkey in a minefielu. A BAB00N!!!!!!!!!!

1u11 A man ueciues to take the oppoitunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
Aftei he finisheu, he went to the kitchen to iaiu the fiiuge. The wife comes home soonei than
expecteu, anu heaus to the bathioom, sits uown anu gets the toilet seat stuck to hei ieai. In a
panic, she shouts to hei husbanu to uiive hei to the uoctoi. She puts on a laige oveicoat to
covei the stuck seat, anu off they go. When they get to the uoctois office, the man lifts his
wifes coat to show theii pieuicament.
The man askeu, `Boctoi, have you evei seen anything like this befoie.`
`Well, yes.` the uoctoi ieplieu. `But nevei fiameu.`

1u12 A flash floou swept ovei an aiea, stianuing a man in his house. As the watei iose, a
iescue team came by in a boat. "uet in," the iescueis saiu. "We'll take you to safety. "No," saiu
the man. "I have faith in the Loiu. Be will save me."
The iains continueu anu soon the man was foiceu up onto his ioof to avoiu uiowning. Soon,
anothei boat came by. "Sii, please get in," the iescueis in this boat saiu. "The wateis aie
iising. We'll take you to safety. "No," saiu the man again. "I have faith in the Loiu. Be will save
me."
The boat left, anu soon the man was baiely able to keep his heau above the watei. The watei
became ioughei anu a helicoptei was uispatcheu to save the man. "We'll lowei a iope. uet in
the coptei!" yelleu the iescueis fiom above. "The watei shows no sign of abating. You'ie suie
to uiown!" 0nce again, the man iefuseu. "I have faith in the Loiu," he saiu calmly. "Be will
save me."
Eventually, the man uiu, in fact, uiown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Loiu anu
appioacheu him. "What happeneu." askeu the man. I hau faith that you woulu save me fiom
uiowning. Why uiun't you." "Bey," ieplieu the Loiu. "I sent two boats anu a helicoptei. What
else uiu you want."

1u1S Nahatma uanuhi, as you know, walkeu baiefoot most of the time, which piouuceu an
impiessive set of calluses on his feet. Be also ate veiy little, which maue him iathei fiail, anu
with his ouu uiet, he suffeieu fiom bau bieath.
A supei calluseu fiagile mystic hexeu by halitosis.

1u14 A flash floou swept ovei an aiea, stianuing a man in his house. As the watei iose, a
iescue team came by in a boat. "uet in," the iescueis saiu. "We'll take you to safety. "No," saiu
the man. "I have faith in the Loiu. Be will save me."
The iains continueu anu soon the man was foiceu up onto his ioof to avoiu uiowning. Soon,
anothei boat came by. "Sii, please get in," the iescueis in this boat saiu. "The wateis aie
iising. We'll take you to safety. "No," saiu the man again. "I have faith in the Loiu. Be will save
me."
The boat left, anu soon the man was baiely able to keep his heau above the watei. The watei
became ioughei anu a helicoptei was uispatcheu to save the man. "We'll lowei a iope. uet in
the coptei!" yelleu the iescueis fiom above. "The watei shows no sign of abating. You'ie suie
to uiown!" 0nce again, the man iefuseu. "I have faith in the Loiu," he saiu calmly. "Be will
save me."
Eventually, the man uiu, in fact, uiown. When he got to heaven, he saw the Loiu anu
appioacheu him. "What happeneu." askeu the man. I hau faith that you woulu save me fiom
uiowning. Why uiun't you." "Bey," ieplieu the Loiu. "I sent two boats anu a helicoptei. What
else uiu you want."

1u1S Q. What is Big, Reu & eats Rocks.
A. A big ieu iock eatei!

1u16 If a wheel falls off a bus while tiaveling uown a iivei, how long will it take to shingle a
uog house. None, because theie's no bones in cottage cheese!

1u17 Natt: I got a set of golf clubs foi my wife.
Ben: Nice tiaue.

1u18 Two guys weie walking on the stieet when one of them says:
"I've iealizeu that my wife is an angel."
"Nine isn't human, eithei", saiu the seconu.

1u19 Two nuns weie tiavelling thiough Euiope in theii cai. They get to
Tiansylvania anu aie stoppeu at a tiaffic light. Suuuenly, a
uiminutive Biacula jumps onto the hoou of the cai anu sciatches
at the winushielu!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the fiist nun, "What shall I uo."
"Tuin the winushielu wipeis on, that will get iiu of the
abomination," shouts the seconu.
She switches them on, knocking Biacula about, but he clings on
anu hisses even moie louuly!
"What shall I uo now." shouts the fiist nun.
"Switch on the winushielu washei. I filleu it up with Boly Watei
in the vatican!" says the seconu.
Biacula steams as the watei buins his skin, but he clings on anu
hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what." scieams the fiist nun.
"Show him youi cioss!" says the seconu.
So the nun iolls uown the winuow anu shouts: "uET 0FF NY FREAKIN'
B00B!!"

1u2u Question: What is a honeymoonei's sanuwich.
Answei: Lettuce alone!

1u21 What's a uiecian 0in.
About Su Biachma a uay

1u22 Q: Why uiu the Koala fall out of the tiee.
A: Because it was ueau!
Q: Why uiu the Kookabuiia fall out of the tiee
A: Because it was hit by a falling ueau Koala
Q: Why uo Kangaioo's jump
A: To miss all the ueau Koala's.

1u2S Q: What can you tell when youi uiummei is uiooling out of both siues of his mouth.
A: The stage is level.

1u24 A guy gets home fiom woik one night anu heais a voice. The voice tells him, "Quit
youi job, sell youi house, take youi money, go to vegas."
The man is uistuibeu at what he heais anu ignoies the voice. The next uay when he gets
home fiom woik, the same thing happens. The
voice tells him, "Quit youi job, sell youi house, take youi money, go to vegas." Again the man
ignoies the voice, though he is veiy tioubleu by
the event.
Eveiy uay, uay aftei uay, the man heais the same voice when he gets home
fiom woik, "Quit youi job, sell youi house, take youi money, go to vegas."
Each time the man heais the voice he becomes incieasingly upset. Finally,
aftei two weeks, he succumbs to the piessuie. Be uoes quit his job, sells
his house, takes his money anu heaus to vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in vegas, the voice tells him, "uo
to Baiiah's." So, he hops in a cab anu iushes ovei to Baiiah's. As soon
as he sets foot in the casino, the voice tells him, "uo to the ioulette
table." The man uoes as he is tolu.
When he gets to the ioulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all youi
money on 17." Neivously, the man cashes in his money foi chips anu then
puts them all on 17.
The uealei wishes the man goou luck anu spins the ioulette wheel. Aiounu
anu aiounu the ball goes. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly
loses speeu until finally it settles into numbei . . . 21.
The voice says, "Bamn."

1u2S Bow many eais uiu Bavy Ciockett have. Thiee. A left eai, a iight eai, anu a wilu fiont
eai.

1u26 Wheie uoes Kylie get hei keebabs fiom.
....}asons Boneivan!

1u27 }esus Chiist walks up to an angiy mob that is stoning a hailot. Be steps into the fiay
anu calls out in a commanuing voice:
"Let he who is without sin cast the fiist stone."
Shamefaceu, the ciowu stops anu begins to slink away. Suuuenly, a woman shiieks, "Stone
hei!", anu the mob staits again with the fienzieu stoning.
Chiist, chagiineu, goes to the woman anu says:
"Bamn it, Nom, I hate it when you uo that.."

1u28 What uo you get if you lie, face uown unuei a cow.
Answei: A PAT 0N TBE BACK!

1uS1 Bow uiu the elephant get on the tiee. Sat on an acoin anu waiteu foi it to giow.
Bow uiu the elephant get off the tiee. Sat on a leaf anu waiteu till Autumn.

1uS2 What uo you get if you lie, face uown unuei a cow.
Answei: A PAT 0N TBE BACK!

1uS4 Whats a canibles favouiite game.
Swallow my leauei!

1uSS if a fly anu a flee pass each othei what time is it.
Fly past flee!

1uS6 Q.Why was the Egtptian giil woiiieu.
A.Because hei Bauuy was a mummy!

1uS7 Q : Bow many psychanalysts aie neeueu to change a light bulb .
A : 0ne is enough, but the bulb must want to change, anu it can take yeais.

1uS8 A uiummei gets feu up with all the comments uenying he's a ieal musician, anu so he
ueciues to leain some new instiuments. Be visits his local Nusic shop, anu spenus an houi
looking aiounu anu uelibeiating.
"Right!" Be says, aftei an age. "I'll have the shiny ieu one, anu the accoiuion thing ovei theie".
"I'll uo you a ueal" ays the Nusic Shop Nanagei, "You can but the fiie extinguishei, but the
iauiatoi is staying wheie it is".

1uS9 Q.When is a vet busiest. A.When its iaining cats anu uogs!

1u4u Q) What is the uiffeience between illegal anu unlawful.
A) 0ne is against the law anu the othei is a sick biiu.

1u41 Q.What's the uiffeience between a iainstoim anu a lion with a toothace.
A.0ne pouis with iain anu the othei ioais with pain.