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Better Than Crying: Poking Fun at Politics, The Press and Pop Culture

Better Than Crying: Poking Fun at Politics, The Press and Pop Culture

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Published by Baratunde Thurston

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Published by: Baratunde Thurston on Dec 06, 2009
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04/07/2013

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8-Year-Old Discovers Microsoft Won’t
Support Windows in XP Release; Decision
Creates Insurmountable Philosophical
Paradox for Software Giant

10 APRIL 2001 — In a
stunning consequence of an
overbroad statement to the
press, Microsoft Windows
XP, due out by year’s end,
will not support itself.
The realization came after
the company announced to-
day that it would not support
USB 2.0, an extension to the
popular peripheral connectiv-
ity standard. The new version
would have offered con-
nection speeds comparable
to that of rival technology,
FireWire.

In announcing its USB dis,
a company press representa-
tive stated, “USB 2.0 support
will not be included in Win-
dows XP. Microsoft will not
ship support for a standard
that they can’t guarantee a
great user experience on.”
This statement escaped
the eyes of most readers,
but not young Glen Willis of
Mansfield, Ohio.
“See, they already can’t
guarantee a great experience

on Windows. Then they said
they wouldn’t support what
they can’t guarantee. That’s
cool how I figured that out,”
said the eight year old.

A Death Sentence

According to the American
Philosophical Association,
the sentence in question ap-
plies to all Microsoft products
released in all possible worlds
past, present and future.
“Any reasonable person
examining this statement can
come to no other conclusion
but that the company known
as Microsoft has logically
and semantically ceased to
exist,” said group president,
Dr. Rafiq Jones, Jr. The sen-
tence has been cited by APA
members as proof that phi-
losophy does have a practical
application after all.
David Boies, honorary
member of the APA, said in a
statement, “Told you I’d win.
I always win, eventually.”

Better Than Crying

92

A Dark World without
Windows

With so much of the world
dependent on Windows, news
of its imminent expiration
has had a global impact.
Members attending a
Linux open-source conven-
tion in Menlo Park, Calif.
set a record for largest ever
group orgasm upon receiving
the news.

Meanwhile, Wall Street
was the site of history’s larg-
est ever group suicide outside
the state of Texas as thou-
sands of investment bankers
leapt from skyscrapers to
their deaths.
“So much for a soft
landing,” quipped Federal
Reserve Board Chairman
Alan Greenspan. The usually
cryptic economist minced no
words when describing the
impact on the world’s econo-
mies. “Capitalism is official-
ly closed for business.”
Yet, while many lamented
the event’s complete and
categorical destruction of
wealth, Oracle CEO Larry
Ellison claimed the event as
a personal validation that his
outlandish babble was in fact,

just babble and not outland-
ish at all.

“For years I have told
you that Microsoft is a pre-
posterous company. In three
weeks no one will even use
a computer again. Trust me,
networked Styrofoam cups
are the future of technology,”
said Ellison.
Hardest hit by the software
maker’s demise, though,
are antivirus companies that
have made millions trying
in vain to protect Microsoft
technology from computer
viruses.

“These companies have
thrived in recent years as
hackers launched a barrage
of attacks on the MS Outlook
email client,” wrote market
research analyst P. R. Hoar.
Supporting Hoar’s claims
is the immediate disbanding
of every hacker group in
Russia.

“Without

Windows
around who wants to write
virus?” asked a frustrated
hacker who went by the name
’Wind0Br8ker’. “Imagine
you’re God and suddenly the
Devil stops doing evil stuff.
What do you do then, retire
to Florida?”

Download This

93

Originally published in ModernHumorist.com July 1, 2003

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