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One Liners

One Liners

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Published by GS
A collection of witty one-liners
A collection of witty one-liners

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Published by: GS on Dec 09, 2009
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One -Liners

Dear Friends, Well, I just adore one-liners…. They put forward a great thought succinctly. Here is a collection I have put together over the years. Some of them will make you smile, some will make you frown, and some will make you think…. But, all the while, you can be assured of having a good time!! Wish You Happy Reading. Yours, Gautam.



"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."--Albert Einstein (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer ? (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened... (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza. .....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) .sdrawkcab dootsrednu tub sdrawrof devil si efiL / is the root of all UNIX. 43% of all statistics are worthless. 5 exclamation marks is a sign of an insane mind!!!!!!! 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions. 90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired. A big enough hammer fixes anything. A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. - Bert Leston Taylor A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. A bus-station is where a bus stops. A train-station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work-station.... A calm sea does not make a skilled sailor. (African proverb) A camel is a horse designed by a committee. A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.


A child will not spill on a dirty floor. A child's greatest period of growth is the soon after you've purchased new school uniforms. A child's mind is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, and fool at the other. A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done. A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A crisis is when you can't say: "let's forget the whole thing". A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. A dancer goes quick on her beautiful legs; a duck goes quack on her beautiful eggs. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. A diet is a selection of food that makes other people to lose weight. A dog inside a kennel barks at his fleas. A dog who is hunting does not notice them. A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. (Harvey Mackay) A drop of ink may make a million think. A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. A face without freckles is like a sky without stars. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. A friend in need is a pest indeed. A friend is someone who has the same enemies you have. (Abraham Lincoln) A friend to all is a friend to none. A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.


A good friend sees the first tear, catches the second and stops the third. A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge. A good school is where children learn to live first and foremost as children and not as future adults. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. --Milton Berle A guilty conscience needs no accuser. A guy knows he is in love when he loses interest in his computer for a couple of days. A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. A hard thing about business is minding your own. A helping hand is no farther than at the end of your sleeve. A hen is an egg's way of making another egg. A hundred men may build a house, but it takes a woman to make a home. A journey of a thousand miles always begins with one step. (ancient Egyptian proverb) A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. A kid's idea of a balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand. A lawyer will do anything to win a case. Sometimes, he will even tell the truth. A leading authority is one who has guessed right more than once. A lie is like a pregnancy. It doesn't take long before everyone knows. (C.S. Lewis) A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. A long dispute means that both parties are wrong. A lot can be achieved with a smile. But a lot more can be achieved with a smile and a gun. A luxury once enjoyed becomes a necessity. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. A man does not know what he is saying until he knows what he is not saying. A man is at his tallest when he stoops to help a child. A man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. A man who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in basement.


A man who thinks he is smarter than his wife, has a very smart wife! A man who throws dirt loses ground. A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. A man's knowledge can never outweigh his experience. A man's reach should exceed its grasp. (Browning) A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. (P. Erdos) A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension. (O. W. Holmes) A mother holds her children’s hands for a while, their hearts forever. A note left for a pianist from his wife: "Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet." A penny saved is a penny earned, and a penny spent, is a penny enjoyed. A perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home. A person is only as big as the things that make him angry. (Confucius) A person lives, to be loved. A person loves, to have lived. (Michael Crowgey) A person of genius should marry a person of character. Genius does not herd with genius. A person of words and not deeds is like a garden full of weeds. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything, except office. A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for. A poor report card has one good thing in its favor: at least the student is not cheating. A printer consists of three parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. A program is never finished until the programmer dies. A promise is a debt. (Irish Proverb) A psychiatrist will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. A real patriot is someone who gets a parking fine and rejoices that the system works. A retired husband is a wife's full time job.


A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head. A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. (John A. Shedd) A signature always reveals a man's character... and sometimes even his name. A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic. A single reason why you can do something is worth 100 reasons why you can't. A smart husband buys his wife very fine cutlery so she won't trust him to wash it. A Spouse is the one who will stand by you through all trouble you wouldn't have had in the first place if you had stayed single. A steak every day keeps the cows dead. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A sweater is usually put on a child when the parent feels chilly. A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell. A talent is formed in stillness, a character in the world's torrent. A tear shed can say more than a hundred words spoken. A tidy desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer. A traffic sign: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they’ll never be. A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense. A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success. -- Doug Larson A true friend walks in when the world walks out. A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go. A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife lasts forever. A wise person has something to say, a fool has to say something. A wishbone has never taken place of a backbone. A woman never shot a man while he was washing dishes. A woman's greatest power is her vulnerability.


A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. A young person knows the rules but the old person knows the exceptions. Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. According to the most recent surveys, five people out of ten are half. Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Activation Energy: The energy available in one cup of coffee. Adam and Eve were the first people on earth............Did they have belly buttons? Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Adopted kids are such a pain, you have to teach them how to look like you.--Gilda Radner Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. (E. Jong) After all is said and done, more is said than done. After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. (Satchel Paige) Aibohphobia: Fear of palindromes. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. Alcohol preserves everything but not dignity. Alimony: funds which allow a woman who lived unhappily married to live happily unmarried. All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it. (S. Butler) All computers wait at the same speed. All generalizations are false, including this one. All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.


All men make mistakes but married men find out about them sooner. All mothers are working mothers. All of us are God's creatures... just some are more creature than others. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. All sunshine makes a desert. All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. Allow me to introduce my selves. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. (W. Johnson) Always buy good shoes, and a good bed. Because if you aren't in one, you're in the other. Always forgive your enemies but never forget their names. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them. Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. America has no drug problems, there's plenty for everyone. America is a country where citizens vote for Democrats but hope to live like Republicans. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.


America is the only country in the world where the poor have a parking problem. America is the only county where people order double cheese burgers, a large fries, and a diet coke. An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult. An agreeable person is the one who agrees with you. An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry. An Apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away. An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie) An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer. An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications. An error doesn't become a mistake until you choose to ignore it. An expert is one that has made all mistakes possible in a narrow field of expertise (Einstein) An expert is someone who’ll tell you more about something than you really care to know. An obstacle is something you see when you take your eyes off the goal. An obstinate man does not hold opinions, they hold him. (Samuel Butler) An old-timer is someone who remembers every detail of their life story, but cannot remember how many times they have told it to the same person. An open mind does not always require an open mouth. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen. Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind. Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a real man to know how to lie well. (S. Butler) Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them. Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.


Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it. (Mitchell's Law of Committees) Anybody can quit smoking – I have done so a dozen times. Anybody can quit smoking. It takes a real man to fight lung cancer! Anybody who thinks talk is cheap never argued with a traffic cop. Anyone can make a mountain out of a molehill by throwing on more dirt. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein) Anyone who said 'easy as taking candy from a baby' never tried taking candy from a baby. Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is nothing left to change. Anything you lose will automatically double in value. (Mignon McLaughin) Archeologist: someone whose career lies in ruins. Are unripe oranges called greens? Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it...! Art is work; to sell it, is art. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. As intelligence increases speech decreases. (Ali bin Abi Talib) As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in schools. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! At age 20 we worry about what others think of us. At 40 we don't care what they think of us. At 60 we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all. (Ann Landers) At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. (Ann Landers) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

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Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions. Attitude determines how well you do it. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Autopsy is a dying practice. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children. Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married. Bachelors must be heavily taxed. It isn’t fair that some men should be happier than others. Bacteria: the only culture some people have. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]? Bagpipes are the missing link between music and noise. --E.K. Kruger BASIC- Bill's Attempt To Seize Industry Control Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your old age home. Be yourself - who else is better qualified? (Frank J. Giblin II) Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon! Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. Before a man can stand he must learn to kneel. Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children and no theories. (John Wilmot) Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent. Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law. Best file compression around: DEL *.* = 100% compression.

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Birthdays are good for you - the more you have, the longer you live. Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, they will never cease to be amused. Boldly going nowhere!! Boren's Law: When in doubt, mumble. Born free, taxed to death. Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back. Brain dysfunction detected... Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization.--Jon Bentley Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. Bugs come in through open Windows. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for rest of his life. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. Bunsen Burner: A device for brewing coffee in the laboratory. Buy a Pentium 4 so you can reboot faster. Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free! By making things absolutely clear, people will become confused. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong. C:\ is the root of all directories. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? Can it be a mistake that "desserts" gives "stressed" spelled backwards? Can you imagine the silence if everyone said only what he knows? Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Chaos, panic, & disorder....my work here is done.

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Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4. Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children. COBOL- Completely Obsolet Business Oriented Language Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. College is that bright interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife. College:- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing. COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer. Command: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Common sense is genius dressed up in work clothes. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. --Albert Einstein Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space. Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit. Computer: A device used to speed and automate errors. Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open Windows. Computers can never replace human stupidity. Computers follow your orders, not your intentions. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon has arms in woman's sink. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Constant change is here to stay

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Constants aren't; Variables don't. Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius. --Gibbon Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.--Wilson Mizner Crash: A Normal Termination of a Program Crashing is the only thing Windows does quickly and efficiently. Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk from your office? Dain bramaged. Database: A special medium used to store errors Dawn crept silently across the yard... searching for her car keys. De ja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. DEATH to all fanatics !!!!!! Death-Penalty would be a more effective preventive measure... only if it were administered prior to the crime. Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. Democracy is the counting of heads, regardless of the contents. Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper. Depression is probably a very old, ancient survival mechanism. Did Noah include termites on the ark? Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side? He's all right now Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. Dieting is wishful shrinking. Digital Wisdom: Affirm brain on-line before opening mouth.com. Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your own way.

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Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. Diskette: A mobile accessory to transfer and to store errors. Do fish get thirsty? Do penguins have knees? Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Do you think I could take back my introduction to you? -- Groucho Marx Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? Don t byte off more than you can view. Don't be angry at a friend who told your secret, for neither could you keep it to yourself. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted. Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Don't ever slam a door- you may want to go back. Don't let your incompetence supercede your intelligence. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard Don't trust those who say that they will follow you like your shadow; because shadows disappear in darkness. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church. DOS- Dumb Operating System Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows! Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.

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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Earlier people used to switch on TV's after getting bored with their routine work. Now they switch on to routine work after getting bored with TV. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead. Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man wealthy and dead. Ecstasy:- A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. Editing is a rewording activity.---Alan J. Perlis Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.-- Groucho Marx Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Error: Problem exists between keyboard and chair. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Errors: The normal result of running a computer system. Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until he starts to work. Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake. Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age & start bragging about it. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Every good friend once was a stranger. Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

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Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Every person is a fool in somebody's opinion. (Spanish Proverb) Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. Every time I type 'win', I loose ... Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyday above ground is a good day. Everyone complains about their memory, but no one complains about their intelligence. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have a film. Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it. Everyone needs to be loved . . . especially when they do not deserve it. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.-- Einstein, Albert Evolution or Creation? Take a disassembled motor car engine and put it in a container. Shake for 1 million years. If you don't have a running car by then, just accept God. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awfull. Famous Last words: "I don't care. I'm taking a bath right now." Famous Last Words: "I think the dragon's asleep" Famous Last words: "No, it's NOT loaded." Famous Last words: “Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.” Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue... Fax is stranger than fiction.

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Feel lucky???? Update your software! Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! File not found: (A)bort (R)etry (L)ook behind sofa? First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.” Flattery is hearing from others the things you have already thought about yourself. Flattery is telling others exactly what they think of themselves. Flirtation...Attention without intention. Floppy disk error - formatting hard disk instead. Foot: A device for finding furniture in the dark. For any serious purpose, intelligence is a very minor gift. (G.H. Hardy) For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened. Small blood stain. Forgive your enemies but remember their names. Genius does what it must, Talent does what it can. --Owen Meredith Earl of Lytton Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard) Getting caught is the mother of Invention. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Goals are dreams with deadlines. God is real, unless specifically declared an integer. God is subtle, but he is not malicious.-- Einstein, Albert (1879-1955) God is the one who pulls you from the wreckage of your own decisions. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. Golden Rule: Those who have the gold, rule. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

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Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after a while they know something Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians. Grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its throat) Guitar, for sale.......cheap...........no strings attached. Guns don't kill. Fast-moving projectiles do. Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd! Handicapped is not helpless. Hard work has future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the ris? Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Harvard is a storehouse of knowledge because the freshmen bring so much in and the graduates take so little out.---Charles W. Eliot hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? Hate is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born? Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac? Having one child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee. He's studying to be a child molester at the Seminary. Health, n.: The slowest possible way of dying. Heisenberg MAY Have Been Here. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (C. S. Woodbridge) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

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Herblock's Law: If it is good, they will stop making it. High-tech means breaks down next week, cutting edge means breaks down this afternoon. History is a selective interpretation of events designed to justify those currently in power. History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victors. History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up. Hit any user to continue. Hoffer's law: When people are free to do what they want, they usually imitate one another. Home is where the computer is plugged in. Home is where you hang your @. Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a car window. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being? How come wrong numbers are never busy? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? How many lawyer jokes are there? Three. The rest are facts. Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some, the rest is make-up. Hunter's Observation on Beauty: Beauty is only skin deep, fashion even shallower. I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones. I always thought looking back on the times I cried would make me laugh; but I never knew looking back on the times I laughed would make me cry. I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. I am built for comfort, not work! I am logged in, therefore I am.

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I am the boss in this house; I have even got my wife's permission to say so! I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. -Edgar Allen Poe I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash. I bequeath my entire estate to my wife on condition that she marries again. I want to be sure that there will be at least one man who will regret my death.-Heinrich Heine I can not dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. I can resist everything except temptation. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... I can teach my cat any trick it wants to do! I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I do not believe in miracles -- I rely on them. I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. -- Groucho Marx I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.--Jack Benny I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce. I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. …I want to achieve it through not dying. I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison I doubt, therefore I might be.

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I either want less corruption, or more chances to participate in it. I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast. I find it fascinating that most people plan their vacations with better care than they plan their lives. I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away. I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem. I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free. I have changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now. I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. I have faith in fools, my friends call it self-confidence. I have four brain cells left, and at the moment, they seem to be arguing. I have gotten to the age where I need my false teeth & hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. I have learned that the God didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I have learnt UNIX, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, and nineteen other high-tech words. I have no particular talent, I am merely extremely inquisitive. (Albert Einstein) I have nothing to declare...... except my genius. -- Oscar Wilde to customs official I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jolier than the people who have to wait for them. - E.V. Lucas I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out who I am. I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don't like to interrupt her. I intend to live for ever, or die in the attempt. I just got lost in thought. . . . It was unfamiliar territory. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

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I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. I know Karate, Kung Fu, Taekwando ...and several other Japanese words. I know you know what I think I said, but I'm not sure you realize what you heard isn’t what I meant. I like pigs better than cat and dogs. Dogs look up to man. Cats are aloof and look down on man. A pig, however, will look you in the eye, and see his equal. (Winston Churchill) I like you. You remind me of times when I was young and stupid. I lost twenty pounds in a single day. I was in England at the time. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always. I may look like an idiot & talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. I really am an idiot. I must confess, I was born at a very early age. -- Groucho Marx I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. (Groucho Marx) I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.-- Groucho Marx I never spit in your drink; why do you smoke in my air? I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.--Albert Einstein I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, put on my prayers, turned off the bed, jumped in my light, all because you kissed me goodnight. I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an armed man. I say no to drugs……. they just don't listen. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I "had" any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I suffer from chronic apathy, I was going to go see a doctor about it, but I didn't really care.

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I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always. I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. I tñld yoñ, "Neverñtouch ñhe flopñy disk sñrface!" I used to be an Atheist, until I found out I was God. I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed.... I was born intelligent -education ruined me. I was going to waste, but God recycled me. I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. (Woody Allen) I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.---Steven Wright I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way. (Jayson Feinburg) I wish life has a scroll back buffer. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and never his prescription? I would rather lose a second in my life, than my life in a second. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.---Steven Wright I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. I'd like to help you out…..which way did you come in? I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it. I'll need hourly status reports on why you're so behind --Dilbert's boss I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect. I'm as confused as a baby at a topless bar! I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it? I'm married, please shoot me!

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I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing! I'm not a vegetarian because I like animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn how to worship me. I'm serious; it was a joke. I'm very responsible; whenever something goes wrong they always say I'm the one responsible. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. --Steven Wright I've been in love with the same woman for forty years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 O’clock this afternoon. I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served. If a man with multiple personalities tries to kill himself, would it be a suicide or a murder? If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them? If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked? If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian? If all else fails, read the directions. If all else fails, you must still be using Windows. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. If Arsenic Fails, Try Algebra. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving isn't for you.

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If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows... If at first you don't succeed... blame someone else and seek counseling. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? If helium existed in a solid form, and you ate it would you get heavier or lighter? If I have a good breakfast I can go without food for the rest of the day, that is until about lunchtime. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. -- Groucho Marx If I try to be like him, who will be like me? (Yiddish proverb) If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. If it works, rip it apart and find out why. If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick Teflon to the pan? If only God would give me some clear proof of His existence.......like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? (Richard Lederer) If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent? If the human brain were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it. If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space? If the world is spinning so quickly why don't we all get dizzy? If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. - Edith Wharton If you and your friend are being chased by a grizzly bear, don't worry about out-running the bear. Just worry about out-running your friend. If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate. If you can read this, please flip me back over...(seen upside down, on a Jeep)

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If you can solve your problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying? (Buddha) If you can't beat your computer at chess... try boxing. If you can't convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman) If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets. If you can't laugh at yourself, you may be missing the joke of the century. If you can't say something nice, become a reporter. If you could kick the person responsible for most of your troubles in the backside, you wouldn't be able to sit down for two weeks. If you decide not to choose then you've already made the wrong choice! If you don't learn from your mistakes, there's no sense making them. If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. If you fail to prepare, prepare to fail. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius? If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. (Andrew A. Rooney) If you still have the courage after loosing all, be rest assured that you have not lost all. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. (Mark Twain) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of life insurance payments. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. If you're afraid of loneliness, do not marry. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? If you're too open-minded, your brains might fall out.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in! If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. If, at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.--Albert Einstien Imagination is intelligence having fun. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? In a crisis that forces people to choose among alternative course of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it. In a world with no walls or fences, who needs Windows and Gates? In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. In communism, man oppresses man. In capitalism, it's the other way around. In Hollywood, they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. In the end, memories are all we got. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. Information is giving out. Communication is getting through. Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Is "Intel Inside" a government warning required by law? Is ignorance or apathy the biggest problem with the world? I don't know and I don't care. Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose.

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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature. It had all the earmarks of a CIA operation; bomb killed everybody except the target. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. It is a pleasure to give advice, humiliating to need it, and normal to ignore it. (O. Holmes) It is amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. (M. Arlen) It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do. It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as the hat keeps blowing off. It is never easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. It is OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit. It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant. It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees. It works! Now if only I could remember what I did... It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.--- Jerry Seinfeld It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere. It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. It's only unethical if you get caught. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Just when I was getting used to yesterday along came today. Karl Marx's Mother: If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a bit of it ... it would have been much better. Keep eye on many, but thoughts on one. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin) Keep your mouth shut and people will think you're stupid; Open it and you'll remove all doubt. Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue. Keyboard: An Instrument used to enter errors into computer. Kids, don't try this at home!!! Go over to your neighbor’s house and practice! Laboratory experiments have shown that 100% of rats died. Latest figures show the death rate remaining steady at one per person. Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone. Law of the Conservation of Filth: "In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty." Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

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Let’s hang together, pals...else, we shall most assuredly be hanged separately. (Benjamin Franklin) Life is complex: it has both Real and Imaginary components. Life is like an analogy. Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, and then you find there is nothing in it. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.--John Lennon Life is wonderful. Without it, you wouldn't know me. Life without danger is a waste of oxygen. Life's unfair -but having root password helps! Life, n.: a sexually transmitted disease that is 100% fatal. LIFE: Something you do until you die. Live your own life, for you will die your own death. (Latin proverb) Living on earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun. Logic Error in CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Logic: Orderly path always followed by programs to make errors. Long periods of drought are always followed by rain. Long's Law : Those who know the least will always say it the loudest. Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror. Loop: see Loop. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. Love is like an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties. Love, n.: a situation in which you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.

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Madness isn't bad, as long as there's method in it. (Erasmus) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Make love not war - marry and do both. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.-- Lily Tomlin Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue. ---Winston Churchill Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is husband. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. Marriage is an exam in which man loses his Bachelor's degree and woman gets her Masters. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her since she'll take it anyway. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence --a life sentence. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Math and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive. Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated. Math is the language God used to write the universe. Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x] May your screen live long and phosphor. Media not found on drive C: (A)bort, (R)etry, (W)onder?

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Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]? Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.--H. L. Mencken Men who have pierced ears are prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. Microsoft supports industry standards the same way a rope supports a hanged man. MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teens Millions who long for immortality do not know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.-Susan Ertz MIPS- Meaningless Indicator of Proccessor Speed Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. Mistakes? I don't make misakes! Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. Money is the root of all evil - send $10 for more information. Most of our suspicions of others are aroused by our knowledge of ourselves. Most people want to serve God -- but only in an advisory capacity. Most people would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism. MS-DOS Multitasking: Crashing both hard-drives at once. My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself. My doctor left his wife. She started offering him an apple every day My girlfriend says I don't pay attention, or something like that My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. My goal in life is to be the sort of person my dog thinks I am. My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses.. He drinks straight out of the bottle.

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My insomnia is so bad; I can't even sleep on the job. My job is interfering with my mail reading. My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. My name is Bond - Covalent Bond. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Ashleigh Brilliant) My parents worked hard to give us everything money could not buy. My password is same as pet's name. My cat’s name is Q47pY!3, & I change it every 90 days. My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones. My son is under a doctor's care and could not attend class. Please execute him. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.--Henry Youngman Need some time to be alone? Try washing the dishes! NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing. Never argue with a idiot. First they'll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience. Never confuse having a career with having a life. Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly. Never express yourself more clearly than you think. --Niels Bohr Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby. Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake. (Napoleon Bonaparte) Never learn to do anything. You will always find someone to do it for you. -Mark Twain Never make the same mistake twice... there are so many new ones to make !!! Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never run from your fears. Because when they catch up to you you're too tired to fight.

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Never stand between a dog and a tree. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity! Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. No beer, wine, or liquor will ever touch my lips...I use a straw. No book are lost by lending expect those you particularly wanted to keep. No man is as clever as his mother thinks he is or as dumb as his mother-in-law thinks he is. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. No raindrop considers itself responsible for the flood. Nobody can be like me. Even I have trouble doing so. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be. Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn’t have to do it himself. Nothing is lost until you really begin to look for it. Nothing seems to bring on an emergency as quickly as putting money aside in case of one. Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. (Goethe) Now all that we will use is a little quantum thermodynamics... Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Of course I know how to copy disks!! Where's the xerox machine? Office:- A place where you can relax after your strenuous home-life. Okay, okay, I take back my words! UnScrew you!!! Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. Old Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources. One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even bargain costs money.

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One picture is worth 128K words. One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.- Ed Gardner Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am. Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.--Mike Adams Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,it's too dark to read.-Groucho Marx Over 72% believe in statistical claims with no given source. Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered! Oxymoron: Microsoft Works. OXYMORON: User-friendly software Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes. (Antisthenes) Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. People are very open-minded about new things as long as they're exactly like the old ones. People have one thing in common: they are all different. People who have heard me sing, say I don't. (Mark Twain) People who think they know everything really annoy those of us that do. People who think they're out of this world always make you wish they were.

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Pessimist complains about the wind. Optimist expects it to change. And the realist adjusts the sails. Philosophical error: Demonstrate the existence of a key to continue. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Please let me know if you did not receive this message. Poetry can communicate before it is understood. (T. S. Eliot) Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice? Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the future. Preserve ecology - seal it in non-biodegradable plastic. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.... Printer: A device that prints computer errors on paper. Procrastinators UNITE... tomorrow. Profanity is the one language that all programmers understand. Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three. If they're OK, you're it. Q. What sound does a space turkey make? hubble, hubble, hubble. Q: Do you like Kippling? A: Err... well, to be honest, I have never Kippled. Q: What does the zero(0) say to the the eight(8)? A: Nice belt!

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Q: What happens when a body is immersed in water? A: The phone rings. Quote me as saying I was misquoted.-- Groucho Marx Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure. Rap is to music what Windows is to operating systems Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Recursion, n.: see recursion. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving. Remember the rule. Shoot if you don't understand it. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Repairadox: The remarkable ability of your PC to repair itself just before technician arrives Rhetorical questions are persuasive, aren't they? Rumor:- News that travels at the speed of sound. Running after women never hurt anybody - it's catching them that does the damage. RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. Save Earth - kill every lawyer. Save time ... Do it my way. Screen: The part of the computer where the errors are seen for the first time. Sevareid's Rule: The chief cause of problems is solutions. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She is an expert housekeeper: every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars. (Les Brown) SHORTEST BOOK: A Guide To Arab Democracies Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants. Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run our business.

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Sign on butcher's window: Let me meat your needs. Sign in a bar : "Those .....drinking to forget........ please pay in advance." Sign in restaurant: All drinking water in the hotel has been personally passed by manager. Sign in railway station at Patna: Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde gaye to khana free. Sign on a church bulletin board: Planning to go to Heaven? Get your flight training here. Sign on a door: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also. Sign on a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. Sign on Optician's office: If you can't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Sign on a restaurant window: Great food - 50,000 flies can't be wrong!! Sign on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off. Silence is argument carried out by other means. --Ernesto "Che" Guevara Silence is golden but shouting is fun. Silence is the only thing that can't be misquoted! Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Some minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Someday is not a day of the week. Sometime: Those occasions when a computer error message can be understood. Sometimes I sit and think, and sometimes I just sit. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.- --Paul Rodriguez Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes.

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Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope) Space is a dangerous place...especially if it's between your ears. Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. (L. J Peter) Speed Kills! Use Windows. Spotted on a desk: Of course I do not look busy ... I did it right the first time. Statistics is like a Bikini; what is revealed is suggestive, but what is concealed is vital. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. Tact is the ability to tell your boss that he is open-minded when you know he has a hole in his head. Take care of your character and your reputation will take care of itself. Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power. Television is bubble gum for the eyes. (Frank Lloyd Wright) Thank God I'm an atheist.--Luis Bunel That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray; and the advantage of science is, it is not emotional. The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens he is carrying. The axe soon forgets, but the tree always remembers. (Shona saying) The best proof of intelligent life in space is that they have never tried to contact us. The best time to plant an oak tree was 20 years ago; the next best time is right now! The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment. The biggest misconception people have about me is that I'm stupid. The box said: 'install on Windows 98, NT 5.0 or better'. So I installed it on Linux.

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The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.--- Robert Frost The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. The day M$ does something that doesn't suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner! The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. The future ain't what it used to be. The greatest of all faults is to be conscious of none .-Thomas Carlyle 1795-1881 The hardest part of skating is the ice. The light at the end of the tunnel is a person with lamp coming towards you looking for end of tunnel. The light at the end of the tunnel is coming from a sign saying "You are here." The light at the end of the tunnel is Rich Holtzschue trying to be bright. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train. The longer you wait in line, greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on. The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out. - Chinese Proverb The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. The Moral Majority is neither. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. The name is Baud...... James Baud. The next time the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future. The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

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The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe. (Rob Kalnitsky) The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. The only reason your brain is bigger than your nostril is to stop it falling out. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.--Albert Einstein The only thing that stops god from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. --Oscar Wilde The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for it. The probability of someone watching you is directly related to the stupidity of your actions. The problem with paradigms is that shift happens. The programmers national anthem is 'Oh %$%&*^&#!#@%#$%^(&^'. The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat. The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything, except genius. The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. ---Albert Einstein The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of its individual parts. The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing. The three "R"s of Microsoft support: Retry, Reboot, Reinstall. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones The trouble with life is there's no background music. The trouble with rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

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The way to a man's heart is with a sword. The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise. The world is divided into good and bad people. The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. The worst thing about censorship is … The zoo is a place for animals to study the behaviour of human beings. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't. There are only two ways of dealing with women...and neither of them work. There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.-- Disraeli, Benjamin There are three types of people: Those that are good at math and those that are not. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. There are two types of people in this world... Those who finish what they start, and There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. There are very few personal problems that can’t be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning There was never a genius without a touch of madness. --Aristotle There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. There were computers in Biblical times. Adam and Eve had an Apple.

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Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary These settings will have no effect until you restart the system. Reset Universe (Y/N) ? Think twice before you think. This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left. This is a tagline mirror --> | <-- rorrim enilgat a si sihT This message is transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry.—Beatle John Lennon Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at, are called software. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, become deans. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Time is a great teacher. Unfortunately it kills all of its pupils. To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. To err is human, to forgive....$5.00 To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.

To err is human. To moo is bovine. To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad. To you I'm just an atheist; But to God, I'm the Honourable Opposition. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

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Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. Too many clicks spoil the browse. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Trouble with doing something right the first time is no one appreciates how difficult it was. Trouble with old age is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.--Arabian proverb Trying is the first step towards failure. Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. (Maori proverb) Two men looked out of prison bars. One saw mud and the other saw stars. Two rules for success: 1. Don't tell everything you know. Two types of people: Those who finish what they start and Uh-Oh! My birth Certificate has an expiration date. Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as what's eating us. Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective with who it's friends are. Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.' Uptime: The time in which a computer works & produces errors quickly & efficiently. User error- Replace user and press any key to continue. Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. War doesn't determine who's right but who's left. Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue. Was it a rich or a smart person who said: "Money can't buy happiness."? We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. -- Jeff Marder

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We may not be what we want to be, but thank God we are not what we used to be. (Tim Storey) We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller We're almost semi-functional, once I finish coding this final bug. What a dog I got. His favourite bone is in my arm! What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call. (Liz Carpenter) What boots up must come down. What do Windows and a handgun have in common? Both are harmless while not loaded. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is another word for Thesaurus? What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. What is the difference between literature and journalism?... Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. What sees a blind man when he's dreaming? What would the world be like without hypothetical situations? When a man holds a woman's hands before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is selfdefense. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. When an old man dies, a library burns down. (African proverb) When I read about the evils of drinking... I gave up reading. When I was a child I could remember anything... Whether it happened or not. (Mark Twain) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Erno Philips When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. When I was kidnapped, they sent my finger to my father. - He asked for more proof. When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know that it is. When in Paris, I always eat at the Eiffel Tower restaurant because it's the only place I can avoid seeing the damn thing. -- William Morris When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. When the herd turns on you and you have to run for it, try to look like you're leading the charge. When we don't try something for fear of looking bad, we already look bad to ourselves. Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always go for the one I haven't tried before. --Mae West. Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.-Mark Twain Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons? Where does revenge end, and justice begin?

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Where does the white go when the snow melts? Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Who puts the “thin ice” sign in the middle of the thin ice? Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop. Whoever said nothing is impossible, has never tried slamming a revolving door. Why are wise men and wise guys the exact opposites? Why be politically correct if you can be right? --Erik V. Petersen Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything? Why didn't the turkey want any lunch? He was already stuffed! Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? Why do some displays of "I love you only" Valentine cards sell them in multi-packs? Why do the hours at work drag on endlessly when the years seem to fly past? Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot? Why do they call it research, when looking for something new? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections? Why do we always want to grow up when we're young and be younger when we're old? Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? (Richard Lederer) Why do we have so much enthusiasm for criticism and so much criticism for enthusiasm? Why do we look in our handkerchiefs after blowing our nose? Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall? Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

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Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom? Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it that you sit in front of your TV and behind your computer? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? (Richard Lederer) Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food? Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business", always be followed by, “but-“ ? Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken! Windows doesn't just crash. It opens a dialog box and allows you press OK first. Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something. Windows not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance? WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System Windows: Just another pane in the glass. Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology. WinErr #F99: CPU too tired to continue... WinErr 000: No errors found! [Restart] WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file. WinErr 006: Not enough memory to display er Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. Wise men think without talking. Fools talk without thinking. Without C, people would code in Basi, Pasal and obol. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours

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Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time. Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due. Yawn:- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. You are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. You are making progress if each mistake is a new one. You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile. You are, of course, correct, and I disagree completely. You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have. You can't have everything...where would you put it? You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You have the right to free speech as long as you're not dumb enough to actually try it. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes….why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down. Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take place. Restart? Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God. *********

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