SHEMALE

Written by

Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly

Conundrum Entertainment
Phone: 310-319-2800
Fax: 310-319-2808
325 Wilshire Blvd
Ste 201
Santa Monica, CA 90401
EXT. PARK - SUNNY DAY

In a small game of flag football, BEN PALMER stands at the line

ready to take a snap at quarterback. Ben is 33, white, sweet,
handsome, passive, and often very feminine.

Various MEN stand on both offensive and defensive lines.

BEN
Blue. Forty-two. Sixty-eight.
Ready. Set. Hike!

Ben takes the snap and drops two steps back. He examines the
field, eyeing a receiver. As he gears up to throw -- WHACK!

Ben is sacked by a... HOT WOMAN! This is KENDALL HILL (32,

hot, smart, brunette, sporty, fun, and... a shemale. Very few
know her little secret. AND, yes - she’s a pre-op) Think Eva
Mendes or Cameron Diaz, 10 years ago.

KENDALL
(celebrating)
In your face! In your face!
Boo-yah! Power sack by the vag!
Shock calla!!!!

Kendall stays pressed down on Ben, sexual, playful and cute.

BEN
Good hit, honey.

KENDALL
Thanks, babe.

They kiss. Kendall hops up and a SPORTY MAN high-fives her.

MAN
You got whipped by your girlfriend,
Ben. Check your balls to see if
you’ve still got them. She might’ve
whacked your dick of your sack!

LAUGHTER.

BEN
Kendall always kicks my ass in sports.
She’s just always been a natural.

MAN
It’s like she’s a dude...
but without the dick! The best
of both worlds. Man you’re lucky.

Kendall grins uncomfortably. OFF HER LOOK WE:

 2.

“LOVER” MONTAGE AND TITLES:

FADE IN MUSIC: “Take A Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed.

EXT. GRASSY HILL - Kendall gives Ben a piggyback ride. He

slaps her ass. She runs faster. Ben falls off.

INT. CAR - Kendall drives while Ben sits passenger seat

working on a Sudoko. They smile at each other.

EXT. TICKET BOOTH - MOVIE THEATRE - Kendall waves off Ben and
pays for the movie tickets.

EXT. MOVING MOTORCYCLE - Kendall drives while Ben holds on

tightly behind her for dear life.

INT. PIZZA PLACE - Kendall eats three slices of pizza. Ben

eats a salad.

INT. LIVING ROOM - Ben watches ice skating on TV; Kendall

changes the channel to a basketball game. They smile.

INT. BAR - Kendall and Ben arm wrestle. She defeats Ben easily.

INT. LIVING ROOM - Movie “Die Hard” blares on the tube.

HARD DEATH is happening. Kendall cheers. Ben hides behind his
hands and cringes.

INT. RIB PLACE - Kendall messily eats wings. Sauce all over
her apron. Ben daintily cuts up his salad. Kendall adds salt
to her wings.

EXT. DRIVEWAY - Ben and Kendall play a game of H-O-R-S-E. Ben does
a layup. Kendall dunks the ball and the hoop falls down. She
shrugs her shoulders. Ben scratches his head.

INT. LIVING ROOM - Ben neatly folds laundry on the IKEA

coffee table. Kendall sleeps on the couch (one hand down her
pants, one hand holding the remote control). Football blares
the TV screen.

INT. BAR - Kendall and Ben arm wrestle. This time, it’s
obvious that she lets Ben win. Ben dances so happy and jumps
up and down. Kendall yawns.

EXT. BOAT - LAKE - WE SEE Ben driving the boat as Kendall

wakeboards like a pro. She motions for him to go faster. She
does a flip after hitting the wake.

INT. RESTAURANT - Kendall chugs a beer; Ben drinks wine. WE

SEE 4 empty beer mugs as Kendall finishes her 5th beer. She
waves to the Waiter for another.
 3.

EXT. LAWN - HOME - A sweaty Kendall mows the lawn. She sipes her
sweat with her arm. Ben gardens with delight. He squirts his face
with a handheld water misting fans. They wave at each other.

INT. STAIRS - HOUSE - Kendall carries Ben up the stairs in

her arms. They kiss.

INT. BEDROOM - HOUSE - MORNING

Ben, pants around ankles, lays on his back receiving oral

pleasure from Kendall who’s kneeling on the ground. By the
way, Kendall is fully clothed.

BEN
Oh, Kendall. Oh. OH!
(then, singing as he cums)
YAYYYYY!

Kendall jumps on the bed next to him and cuddles.

BEN (cont’d)
Wow. I know I’ve told you this a million
times, but... you seriously give the best
oral pleasure on the planet. My penis
tingles every time your mouth touches it
like Pop Rocks.

KENDALL
A lady takes pride in her BJ skills.

Ben kisses her forehead. She motions for him to kiss her lips.
Reluctantly (due to cum)... Ben does so.

KENDALL (cont’d)
Thank you.

BEN
I can’t wait for our wedding so we
can finally “crystallized Christ
through consummation.”

KENDALL
I hate that expression.

BEN
Sorry
(pause)
Intercourse.

Kendall laughs.
 4.

KENDALL
Man, you really didn’t get laid
often, huh honey.

BEN
Hey! I grew up in a rigid, Christian
family. Wasting sperm is like
killing millions of baby Jesus’s.

KENDALL
But I mean, surely, you at least
played the ol’ hanky panky growing
up?

BEN
Of course not.

KENDALL
You din’t even choke the weasel?

BEN
Well, my mother always said that
“fleshly lusts are Satan’s
fro-yo bar”.

Kendall laughs like a horny school girl.

KENDALL
So... no sex?

BEN
Well... I just feel sex is that
much better with the one you love.
You know? Passionate, sweet, tender
love making...

KENDALL
You make it sound like you’re
glazing a ham.

BEN
...kissing, thrusting, cuddle
and sleep.

KENDALL
Oh no. You’re not gonna cry on me
after we do the deed, are you?

BEN
If I cry, it will only be because I
finally got to see you naked. Let’s
face it, your breasts are great. I
mean spectacular. I love fondling
them... gently.
(MORE)
 5.

BEN (cont'd)
It’s usually the highlight of my
week behind thumbing through the
latest edition of Home & Garden.
But, I want to see all...
(reaching for her crotch)
... of you.

Kendall springs up, barely avoiding the crotch grab.

BEN (cont’d)
Where you going?

KENDALL
I gotta meet the girls at the gym.

BEN
(mocking)
Oh that’s right. You gotta work
out. It’s not like Ms. Kendall
isn’t already the fittest woman in
the WORLD!

KENDALL
Hey! This sexy body doesn’t come
from nowhere! You’ll appreciate my
heavy workout regiment when we’re
married. Most wives turn fat and
lazy. Then again, there’s something
very appealing about Bon Bons and
QVC...

BEN
You should workout.

They smile at each other. Kendall heads to the bathroom.

BEN (cont’d)
You need a ride?

KENDALL
Sure. Just gimme a sec.

Kendall ENTERS --

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kendall looks at herself in the mirror.

BEN (O.S.)
Aren’t you excited for Mandar’s grad?

KENDALL
Who?
 6.

BEN (O.S.)
My adopted brother?

KENDALL
Oh yeah, of course! Of course.
I forgot Charlie’s real name is
Mandar.

BEN (O.S.)
What a strange group of people he
stems from. It’s amazing how far he
has progressed since we pulled that
poor slum dog boy from Dharavi. You
know... Slumdog Millionaire haunts
his dreams. But he’s strangely fond
of Regis. He says, and I quote, “That
mofo is the real deal piz-imp.”
(pause)
You excited to go?

KENDALL
(hesitant)
Umm. Yeah. Sure. It should be
really... nice, I guess.

Kendall examines a black hair stubble on her upper lip. Ben

busts into the bathroom; she quickly stops examining.

BEN
Nice? That’s it?

KENDALL
What do you want me to say?

BEN
(puppy dog eyes)
I don’t know. Something more...
enthusiastic? More... comforting?

KENDALL
About Mandar’s graduation? The kid
is graduating high school. How wet
do you want me to get?

BEN
I’m not just talking about that. I’m
talking about seeing my family.
Getting to know them better. You
know... it won’t be much longer
‘til we’re man and wife. You’ll be
a part of the Palmer clan.

Kendall looks at him nervously. Ben nudges up to her lovingly.

 7.

KENDALL
I’m really excited to see your
family... OUR family. And to get
married. But it’s still 6 months
away.

BEN
(under his breath)
Sooner.

KENDALL
What?

BEN
Nothing.

BEAT.

KENDALL
Let’s just try to not get all over
anxious about any of this. Let’s
take things slow. 6 months will
come up sooner than we can think.

BEN
You’re telling me.

KENDALL
But, when we finally do get married,
it’s going to be the most perfect
day of our entire fucking lives.

BEN
And we’ll finally have sex?

KENDALL
God! You’re ridiculous.

She slams the door on him - he blocks it off with his foot.

BEN
Kendall??

KENDALL
(giggling)
Yes, we will finally have sex
together.

Kendall and Ben passionately kiss. She escorts him out, slaps
his ass. She closes the door and locks it. She looks at the
mirror and shaves off the stray stubble from her upper lip.

Then, she lifts up the toilet seat, slides her panties to her
ankles, and -- RIP!
 8.

She RIPS off the duct tape that keeps her penis tight on her leg.
She begins to pee standing up. She misses, hits the toilet seat.

Kendall (cont’d)
Whoops.

She shrugs, walks away. She forget to flush toilet and leaves
the piss on seat like a man.

Kendall (cont’d)
I’ll just blame that on Ben.

She sprays on some AXE Musk deodorant.

EXT. VESPA - STREET - MORNING

Ben (flannel, jeans) drives his Vespa with Kendall (sexy NIKE
workout gear) holding him loosely from behind. Ben has his
helmet on; Kendall’s helmet dangles from her fingers as she
lets the wild wind blow through her hair.

EXT. FITNESS CENTER - MORNING - MOMENTS LATER

Ben and Kendall pull up to the front. She hops off.

KENDALL
Thanks for the lift, babe.

Kendall kisses Ben on the cheek; he gushes under his helmet.

HONK HONK! -- A car HONKS behind Ben.

BEN
(to car)
Just one second.
(then, to Kendall)
So, I made dinner plans tonight
at Canele.

KENDALL
Awww... how sweet. But French
joints are usually so stingy with
portions. You know I’m all about
the portions. How you going to...
satisfy my hunger?

Kendall grabs his dick; he coughs.

BEN
(flushed)
OK... dessert?
 9.

KENDALL
Done.

Kendall releases his dick. Ben composes himself.

BEN
It’ll be really nice to have one
last romantic din before the week
“vacation” with my parents. Plus -
we’ll get to see Mandar graduate
from high school!

KENDALL
Mandar, right. The foreign exchange
student your mother loves to feel
good about. God you’re so excited
about this graduation. It’s so gay.

HONK! HONK! A FAT GUY in car yells:

FAT GUY
HEY! Asshole! Move the FUCK OUT OF
THE WAY!

BEN
(to Fat Guy)
Just one more sec-

KENDALL
Hey, FAT ASS! Shut your fucking
mouth before I shove that dick of
yours so far up your ass you’ll be
donating bastard sperm babies out
of your lard shitting hole!

Fat Guy shuts up.

FAT GUY
(mutters)
What does that even mean?

Kendall looks at Ben lovingly.

BEN
I could’ve taken care of that guy.

KENDALL
I know.

BEN
I’m the man. I’m supposed to stand
up to fat assholes, not you.
 10.

FAT GUY
YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE!

Kendall shoots Fat Guy a death glare; she raises her fist.

FAT GUY (cont’d)

(sincere)
Sorry. Sorry. We cool.

Like a switch, Kendall turns back to Ben lovingly.

KENDALL
I know, baby. You’re my strong man.
My knight and shiny... whatever.
I’ll see you tonight after work, my love.

Kendall kisses him and runs off.

Kendall (cont’d)
(pedalling backwards)
Bye, cupcake!

BEN
Bye, strawberry.

FAT GUY
You gonna have your women pick all
your battles, dick wad!

BEN
Yeah. Yeah.

Ben zooms off - out of sight.

Fat Guy pulls his car forward - SMACK! Kendall ran back and
fucking socked him in the face. The dude passes out, his head
lands on the steering wheel, and the HORN won’t stop blaring.

KENDALL
That’s for messing with my man.

INT. FITNESS CENTER - AFTERNOON

Kendall struts her stuff past the iron pumping MEATHEADS and the
homosexual medicine ball GUYS. Everyone stops their workout
regiment, taking a second to glance at Kendall’s gorgeous ass.

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD and a SKINNY GYM DUDE confide to each other.

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD

Shit! That Kendall bitch is so hot.
 11.

SKINNY GYM DUDE

Oh, yeah. Bury my face in that ass.
MMMbbbrrrr.

ZOOM IN: KENDALL’S FINE ASS.

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD (O.S.)

God, what I’d pay to get with her.

SKINNY GYM DUDE (O.S.)

I’d murder my wife for her.

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD (O.S.)

Shit! I’d even put my kids up for
adoption where that Oliver Twist
fag lived.
(mocking, British accent)
Please, sir, can I have some more
crap. Yeah, sure... right after I
sodomize Kendall Fucking Hill. Go
steal me some wallets, orphans!
Fagins gotta eat!

SKINNY GYM DUDE (O.S.)

Eat your peas, kid. Eat your peas.

Gym MEMBERS ramble on, horny and mesmerized, at Kendall’s hotness.

SKINNY GYM DUDE (cont’d)

To be honest, I’d even go down on her. No
man goes down on a woman. It’s like a
rule or something. But, for Kendall Hill,
I’d fucking do it all. Lick her ass.
Feet. Armpits. Toes. Clip her toenails.
(pause)
Eat ‘em. Anything. Shit! I’d even
munch on her balls, if she had some.
Which she doesn’t, but I’m just saying.
(pause, then)
You know, I’m not queer or anything.

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD

I’m not queer either and I’d slurp
her balls too.

WE SEE Kendall’S SEXY LEGS.

SKINNY GYM DUDE

Look at her walk, man!

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD

It’s like she’s got the hips of a
hot supermodel and the strut power
of a fucking linebacker.
 12.

SKINNY GYM DUDE

Touchdowns and Titties. Best of
both worlds, man.

They high five. As Kendall reaches a door marked “Pilates”,

she whips around and all the guys pretend they weren’t just
starring at her.

ZIP! -- One GUY zips up his pants.

GUY 1 (O.S.)
Ah, man! I was so close to
finishing!

Kendall eyes everyone down.

KENDALL
For the record, boys. I play
linebacker, not quarterback.
Grabbing sacks is hotter than
throwing balls.
(pause)
Oh, and I love me a man who goes
down, but I’d take flowers and a cold
beer over a slurpy, inexperienced
muff dive any day of the week.
(pause)
And thank you. I do have a
spectacular ass.

Kendall smiles and enters the pilates room.

FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD

She would so start on the Chicago
Bears.

SKINNY COWORKER
Poor Aaron Rodgers.

EXT. COFFEE SHOP - SIMULTANEOUS

Ben pulls up on his Vespa. Checks his phone. NEW TEXT FROM
DAD: “It’s a go with the Pastor! Call U L8R.”

Waiting for him is STEVE, at a table sandwiched between

HIPSTERS with crazy hate. He swigs from a flask.

Steve is 35, crazy, eccentric, rock ‘n roll wannabee. Kendall

and Steve grew up as brothers, but he knew of her female
tendencies at an early age and accepted them. Thinks of
Kendall as a sister, not a brother.
 13.

BEN
(fist-bumping Steve)
Hey, buddy!

STEVE
Hey dude. How goes it?

BEN
Good, good. Dropped Kendall off at
the gym.

STEVE
Pilates?

BEN
You know it! She’s obsessed with
that shit. Couple hours a day at
least.

STEVE
Yeah you shoulda seen him-her as a
kid. She practically had super
bulimia. Locked in the bathroom for
all hours, puking her poor little
guts out. BLAH! BLAH! BOOM! Skinny.

BEN
Awwww, poor baby.

STEVE
Well, whatever works. That’s what I
say. My motto. Whatever Works.
That’s my MA-TOE!

BEN
Does that apply to anything?

STEVE
Yep.

BEN
So if I liked the taste of cat food
and wanted to eat it everyday it
would be fine because of your
MA-TOE, “whatever works”?

STEVE
No. Dude. Gross. Doesn’t apply.

BEAT.

BEN
Anyway, I’m glad Kendall is healthy
and in good shape.
 14.

STEVE
You know what else is in great
shape!
(pause)
Pow! Ka-chingaling!

Passes Ben a music demo disc (a cat with a gun is on the cover).

BEN
New album’s done?!

STEVE
You know it!

BEN
(loudly)
You go girl!

Hipster chicks glance over, indifferent, go back to coffee.

BEN (cont’d)
This a solo effort or with the
whole band?

STEVE
Solo. Fuck those guys. I need to
express my artistic vision.
Unleash my inner freak.

BEN
I see you did that with the
murderous cat...

STEVE
(serious)
That’s a peace cat, dude.

BEAT.

BEN
You should come out to Arizona
with us.

STEVE
Arizona... as in... East?

BEN
Yes, Steve. Arizona is East of
Los Angeles.

STEVE
Ugh! No thanks. I moved to the
promised land to avoid the desert
people.
 15.

BEN
LA’s a desert, dude.

STEVE
No it’s not. You see any fucking
cactus? You see a giant tortoise
walking around? Shaking hands with
people? Wearing top hats? Running
for mayor?! Kissing babies and shit
and eating cheese?! Huh?! You see
any of that shit, Ben?! NO!

BEN
There’s some roaches.

STEVE
Doesn’t count.

BEN
You think it’s too early to be
drinking?

STEVE
Is that a serious question?

BEN
No.

BEAT.

STEVE
Sorry, dude, I took a long hard
thought... count me out on the Zona
trip.

BEN
Oh come on man. Kendall could use
the support. You know she doesn’t
get along too well with my folks.
Maybe having her ol’ bro with her
will help her out.

STEVE
(yawning purposefully and
obnoxiously)
Desert people dude, desert people.
Maybe if I wanna enter into a
polygamous marriage with a few 13
year-olds, I’ll consider it.

BEN
You’re thinking of Mormons... and
Roman Polanski.
 16.

STEVE
Whatver man, not happening.

A WAITRESS brings over two cups of fancy coffee in French-style

mugs. Steve checks the mugs - wrong order.

STEVE (cont’d)
Excuse me, miss?

She’s already gone.

BEN
Don’t even try, dude.

STEVE
(shouting)
Miss?! Waitress?!

Nothing.

STEVE (cont’d)
(REALLY loud)
Failed actress?! This is not what I
ordered!

WAITRESS
Excuse me?

STEVE
(standing up)
You have to nerve to say “excuse
me” in that tone? Ohh... how DARE
you.

BEN
(embarrassed)
Alright Steve, let’s go.
We gotta hit up the jeweler.

Steve knocks people’s coffee cups off the table.

STEVE
Coffee is really important to me.

BEN
I see that. Take your meds dude.

STEVE
Alright.

Steve pops some pills. Ben pulls him out. The hipster chicks
sort of look up, quickly go back to their own thing.
 17.

BEN
(to Waitress)
Sorry.

INT. JEWELRY STORE

Ben and Steve wait for service at the store.

STEVE
I can’t believe I’m here with you.
You’re my manager. You’re supposed
to come with me to shit like this.
NOT the other way around.

An OLD LADY sees them and smiles.

BEN
You’re here because you’re my
friend of 11 years and because
Kendall is your sister.

STEVE
And that makes me know about her
taste in wedding rings... how?

SALES WOMAN comes over to help.

SALES WOMAN
(clearing throat)
I’m sorry, am I interrupting
something?

BEN
Uhh, no, no. Not at all. I’m here
to pick up the-
(leaning in, whispering)
- engagement ring.

SALES WOMAN
Yes, sir, of course.
(whispers to Ben)
If you want to keep it a secret,
why did you bring your partner?

BEN
What? Uh.. He’s not my...

STEVE
We’re not gay.

SALES WOMAN
OK, OK. Let me grab it. Who’s name
is it under?
 18.

BEN
Mine. It’s under Palmer.

SALES WOMAN
(smiling)
Good, sir.

The Old Lady approaches them.

OLD LADY
You two make such a handsome couple.

STEVE
Thank you ma’am. How very kind of you.

Steve grabs Ben’s ass.

BEN
OK! Enough.

Steve doesn’t let go. He digs his fingers in his ass.

OLD LADY
Oh my...
(then, turned-on)
Go on... please.

Ben shakes his head and marches out.

INT. FITNESS CENTER - AFTERNOON

Kendall bench presses an insane amount of weight. Male MEATHEADS

gawk in awe at her small sexy body pushing all that weight. Her
best friend, PATRICIA, spots the weight for her. PAT is 34, a
social worker, has a strong manly body because she too is a
shemale; not sexy like Kendall. WE SEE a huge bulge in Pat’s
spandex covered crotch.

PAT
(intense)
Twenty four! One more Kendall!

Kendall pushes hard.

PAT (cont’d)
Push it. Push it. Work it!
(Kendall reaches top
of press)
There. Good work, grrrl.

Kendall wipes her face with a towel, stays seated on bench.

 19.

KENDALL
Thanks, Pat. Still can’t beat your
press of three hundred pounds.

WE SEE the huge bulge in Pat’s spandex pants near Kendall’s face.

PAT
No one can beat this bulge.

Pat kisses her biceps.

KENDALL
(to O.S.)
Oh, hey Blinky.

BLINKY (35, female, ex-military, she has no legs, uses a

wheelchair and is seriously depressed. Think Rachel Dratch).
She wheels up to Kendall and Pat.

BLINKY
(mopes)
Hey guys.

They shoot her a “what the fuck” look --

BLINKY (cont’d)
I mean... ladies.

KENDALL
How’s it going?

BLINKY
Good.
(pause, then)
Not good. Don’t have legs.

PAT
And you haven’t had legs for the
past three years.

BLINKY
I’m just having one of those “no
legs” sorta day.

KENDALL
We all have those.

Kendall pats her on the back.

PAT
So, Kendall, you excited about the
long week at your family-in-laws?
 20.

KENDALL
Eh... not really. Ben’s mom doesn’t
like me. I think she feels threatened.

PAT
Is it because you kick ass at being
a man AND a woman? Tranny Power!

Pat high-fives herself.

KENDALL
Ben’s family is pretty Christian.
It’s fair to say I’m not their
type. But the dad loves me. He
loves my thighs. Tells me that.

PAT
That’s sweet and perverted.

BLINKY
I can’t imagine what they’d do if
they found out about your BOINGA-BOINGA.

KENDALL
You’re telling me.

PAT
Well, at least you’ll finally have
the sex change operation over with
before the wedding in six months.

KENDALL
I know! I’m so excited to get it
snipped off! I can’t wait to have
that fleshy patch vag down there.
How does it feel to have a
va-jay-jay, Blinky?

BLINKY
Dry. Cold. Pink. Empty... and
lonely. Oh, and sometimes I forget
to trim it and I swear I’ve seen
creatures crawling around.

PAT/KENDALL
Ewww.

KENDALL
Well, I think my vagina might feel
a little differently. At least much
cleaner. You know... I’ll finally
feel like a full woman.
 21.

BLINKY
And... you’ll have a husband who
loves you. That’s more than I have.
(mopes)
I don’t even have legs.

PAT
Blinky, you’re really bringing me
down with your no legs crap.
(to Kendall)
I still can’t believe you’ve never
told Ben about your past. It’s
sorta just... wrong.

KENDALL
I was going to tell him early on.
But, when things became romantic, I
didn’t want to ruin the best thing
in my life. To be honest, I wasn’t
even going to get a sex change
before I met Ben.
(whispers)
I’m a big fan of anal.

PAT/BLINKY
Me too.

KENDALL
But, I love him and if getting rid
of my man stick will keep things
the way they are then... goodbye
purple headed yogurt slinger, hello
fleshy clam.

PAT
You’re chopping your cock off out
of love?

KENDALL
Yes.

BLINKY
Awwwww, that’s so romantic.

Pat shakes her head.

PAT
I’m telling you, penis or not, you
still can’t get rid of the past.
And the guilt of not telling Ben
will wear on you.
 22.

KENDALL
What do you suggest I do? Tell WASP-y
Christian Ben that I’m a man and throw
away the best thing that’s ever
happened to me in my entire life?

PAT
Yes! Well, not the last part. You
know, when I first became Patricia,
I told my first love, Barry
Jenkins, that I was a man after
only two weeks of dating. Felt good
to get it off my pre-tit job chest.

KENDALL
How’d he take it?

PAT
He punched me in the face, Abe
Lincoln-ed me, stole a hundred
bucks from my wallet, married a
blonde bitch, has three kids...
lives in Idaho. Thinks he sells
furniture or something. Maybe
tupperware. Not too sure. Ohh,
wait. That’s right. He’s called
the Idaho Tupperware King.
(sighs)
He was sweet.

Kendall and Blinky shoot each other a “WOW” look.

PAT (cont’d)
All I’m saying is, if Ben loves
you, he won’t care if you were a
man in your past life. Remember
what Rupaul told us: Love is
stronger than ball and shaft.
That’s Tranny Psych 101.

Kendall lays back down.

KENDALL
I’ll think about it. Spot me for
another set of twenty-five.

Blinky wheels off, spotting a treadmill.

BLINKY
I’m going to run on the treadmill.
(pause)
Oh, wait - I have no legs.

Blinky hops on the moving treadmill. SLIP! CRASH! She flies off.
 23.

BLINKY (cont’d)
(on ground)
Don’t worry! I’ll walk it off.

Blinky moans.

EXT. BEN’S GARDEN OF HEAVEN - MORNING

ESTB. A nice, clean looking floral business building.

WE SEE SIGN: Ben’s Garden of Heaven - You’re Welcome!

INT. GARDEN - PALMER’S FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS - MORNING

Ben smells a pink rose in the garden. He sprays water on it.

BEN
(to himself)
Nothing smells more satisfying than
roses in the morning.

Behind the counter, HELGA (old lady, senile, employee) calls out:

HELGA
Ben, your father’s on the phone.

Ben dashes to the phone. Helga toys with a rose petal.

BEN
(phone)
Hey dad. Yep! Gearing up for the
week with the Palmer’s. Yeah.
Should be great.
(pause, then)
I’m a little nervous. Kendall has
no clue that we’re moving up the
wedding date.

Helga picks the petals off a rose. Ben wants her to stop.

BEN (cont’d)
(phone)
I know! Moving up the date is a
brilliant idea! And Pastor Dave
will get to conduct the wedding
like he does for all Palmer
weddings!
(pause)
It’ll be a nice, small, intimate
wedding in our own backyard. I think
it’s a great idea, thanks to you.
 24.

Helga keeps picking at the rose. Ben slaps her hand away.

BEN (cont’d)
(phone)
Yeah... she is amazing.
(rolling eyes)
Yes, dad... sexy.
(shocked)
YES! Of course we’ve waited to
have intercourse.
(pause, rolls eyes)
Fleshly lusts are Satan’s
fro-yo bar. Yes, I remember.
(pause)
OK. See you tomorrow. Bye, dad.

Ben hangs up. He picks up a brown covered lily from the counter.

BEN (cont’d)
Helga! How many times have I told
you not to wipe your poo poo butt
with the lilies?

With a mouthful of roses, Helga smiles.

HELGA
(mouthful)
Feels good on my anus.

INT. CANELE FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Ben and Kendall eat a nice romantic dinner; a candle light

flickers in the BG.

KENDALL
This buttery beef bourguignon is to
die for! Here... try it.

Kendall forks her dinner and puts it in Ben’s face. He swallows.

BEN
(mouthful)
Yum. Good. Buttery. Salty. Feel myself
getting fat. Getting bloated.

Ben slyly spits the food into his napkin. He forks his plate.

BEN (cont’d)
Try some of this vegetarian
mushroom with parsley and hint of
lemon zest!

He offers to Kendall.
 25.

KENDALL
No thanks.

Ben shrugs and eats it; pure bliss to only Ben.

BEN
So, I’m excited about this coming
week! A little R & R, little wine,
little sun, little fun... Maybe a
surprise. It’ll be really nice.
Don’t you think?

KENDALL
(unsure)
Uh... yeah, sorta.

Kendall shifts, becomes closed off. Ben knows that look.

BEN
What’s wrong baby?

KENDALL
Nothing nothing. I don’t want to
talk about it.

BEN
You can tell me. You don’t have to
be so strong and hold your emotions
in all the time. Anything you have
to say, you can say to me.
(wide-eyed in love)
I’m going to be your husband.

Ben smiles assuring. Kendall relaxes.

KENDALL
OK. Promise you can’t repeat this
to anyone.

BEN
OK.

KENDALL
Promise?!

BEN
Promise.

KENDALL
Don’t get me wrong. I love your
family. Your dad is a doll. Really
sweet... though, he does stare at
my ass a little too long.
 26.

BEN
I gotta tell him to stop doing that.

KENDALL
BUT.. your mother. I’m positive she
hates me.

BEN
She doesn’t hate you.

KENDALL
(stern)
Ben, did you see that Christmas
card she sent us?

BEN
Yeah? What about it?

KENDALL
(reiterating card)
I hope you have a lovely, joyous
Christmas day, son. I love you.
Your life is too precious and
valuable to waste... on gutters or
tramps. Parentheses - Oh, hi
Kendall. Love. Mom.

BEN
Yeah she has a very dry wit.

KENDALL
Good joke.

BEN
Aww, sweetie. She loves you! She
has to love you because I love you.
That’s how it works.

Ben rubs her hand, and continues to console her while OFF AT
ANOTHER TABLE, TWO BROTHERS (12, 14) watch the action.

BROTHER # 1
(re: Ben and Kendall)
Dude, check it. They’re going to fuck
right here in this piece of shit fancy
restaurant.

BROTHER # 2
Oh my god. They’re literally going
to be making beef bourguignon...
with their genitals!

WE SEE Ben rubs her arm sensually.

 27.

BROTHER # 1
Bro, that chick is so hot.

BROTHER # 2
You’re telling me. I’d even go down
on her. It’s like a code that a man
can’t go down on a woman. That’s
what dad told me. But for that
chick, I’ll do it all.

BROTHER # 1
Unleash the inner freak, brother.
Whip it. Whip it good.

Ben whispers something into Kendall’s ear:

BEN
No matter what anyone says about
you... if they want to stay close
to me, they must learn to love you.

Kendall gushes, Ben nibbles on her ear, she’s so aroused.

BROTHER # 2
It’s so on.

BROTHER # 1
Roger that. Over and Out.
Captain, we have-

RIP! Kendall’s arousal has RIPPED the penis tape off! Through her
hot dress, we see a huge boner bulge! The brothers see it:

BROTHER # 2
(confused)
- lift off?

The brothers look at each other, shocked, grossed out:

BROTHER # 1 BROTHER # 2
AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!

The brothers get up, start puking on the floor.

BROTHER # 1
(puking)
Oh my God!

BROTHER # 2
For the love of chicks!

They continue to puke. Everyone looks at them.

 28.

BEN
Must’ve been the food they ate.

BROTHER # 2
(to Ben, mid-puke)
You’re sick, man...
(eyeing both Kendall
and Ben)
MEN!

They continue to puke.

BEN
(to Kendall)
Oh no. Now, I’m feeling a
little queesy.

Kendall struggles to tame her boner.

KENDALL
Don’t worry, Ben. You’re gonna
be fine.

BEN
(nauseous)
No! You know how I get-

PUKE! Ben pukes. Kendall tosses him her napkin, he cleans

himself up.

BEN (cont’d)
Come on honey, let’s go. The sight of
puke is just gonna get me more sick.

KENDALL
(stalling)
Ummm... sure. OK, honey.

Ben stands up to leave. Kendall, still aroused, sits still.

He extends his hand towards her.

BEN
Kendall?

KENDALL
Uhhh, hold on... just a second.

Closes her eyes, squeezes tightly, trying to make erection go

away.

KENDALL (cont’d)
(whispers to self)
Think of Tony La Russa.
Tony La Russa. La Russa. LaRuuu-
 29.

Boner goes down. She takes his hand.

KENDALL (cont’d)
Sorry about that. Lady parts were
flaring up.
(smiling)
OK! let’s blow this joint!

They walk out.

BEN
What was that La Russa thing all
about?

KENDALL
Oh. Umm, I’m a big fan of the
Cardinals.

EXT. DRIVEWAY - HOUSE - MORNING - NEXT DAY

Kendall and Ben load-up their PRIUS CAR for the trip. Kendall
tosses a NIKE sports bag in the back of the trunk. Ben struggles
to carry three huge cases of luggage. He tries to make them all
fit, stuffs them in the back of the trunk; they stick out.

KENDALL
Why do you have to bring so much?

BEN
You know I can’t pack. I got to
have everything with me. I need
options on what to wear everyday.

Ben attempts to close the door - no dice. Kendall steps back,

takes two linebacker shoulder hits, slams the door. CLOSED.

KENDALL
There. Done.

Kendall grabs the keys from Ben.

KENDALL (cont’d)
You drive to slow. I’m driving.

Kendall skips off, climbs in car. Ben half-smiles, shakes his

head and enters the car, passenger side.

BEN
(in car)
A week with the Palmers in Arizona.
Here we go!

Kendall sighs, starts up the car. She backs out the driveway fast.
 30.

BEN (O.S.) (cont’d)

Honey, you wanna slow down?

Kendall speeds off down the street.

INT. CAR - HIGHWAY - LATER

Ben flips through Home & Garden magazine while classical music
plays on the radio. Kendall flips the radio station channel: 80’s
Hair Metal blares as Kendall rocks out. Ben puts in his rubber ear
plugs. They smile as they are left to their own devices.

INT. CAR - HIGHWAY - LATER

While driving, Kendall rips a bite into a stick of beef

jerky. Ben neatly cracks some pistachios and places them into
his mouth. He nibbles on a plum.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - GAS STATION

Kendall casually reaches for the MENS BATHROOM door, Ben redirects
her to the WOMENS BATHROOM. She smiles and goes in the WOMENS
BATHROOM. Ben shakes his head and laughs.

INT. CAR - HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON

Ben is curled up asleep while Kendall trucks on and drives.

She glances over at him and smiles. She pulls a blanket up to
cover his shoulders.

WE SEE A SIGN: “WELCOME TO ARIZONA”

INT. DRIVEWAY - PALMER’S HOME - LATE AFTERNOON

Ben and Kendall walk up the driveway, bags in hand, towards

the pearly white, massive two-story Palmer home.

KENDALL
(mutters)
I’m nervous.

BEN
Don’t be. Everything will be
just fine.

Just then, a bird poops on Kendall’s shoulder - she doesn’t

notice. They reach the front door, ring the doorbell, which
is the high-pitched song, “Hosanna In The Highest”.
 31.

KENDALL
Wow. Really?

BEN
My mom loves the Lord in all facets
of her life.

The door opens and standing there is MELINDA and ROB PALMER.

ROB/MELINDA
(gushing)
Oh... HI!!!

Rob and Melinda both hug Ben at the same time.

ROB PALMER is 55, white, stalky, sweet, nice, but also has the
sporty toughness attributes of an ex-jock. He still works high-up
at a big Insurance company.

MELINDA PALMER is 53, white, blonde, cares very much about

appearance, wears the pants, gives the impression she is sweet -
but deep inside she wants the Palmers to be the best at any cost.

Rob releases from his hug and goes to Kendall.

ROB
Oh, my little sweet Kendall bug!

KENDALL
Hey, Rob.

Rob squeezes Kendall tightly and rubs her back... his hand goes
dangerously close to her ass. Kendall is a little startled.
Melinda still holds onto Ben tightly.

MELINDA
My little, Ben. You eating okay?

BEN
Yes, mom.

MELINDA
You been exercising enough?

BEN
Yes.

MELINDA
Outdoors? The only way to exercise
is under God’s sunshine. You know
that, right?

BEN
Yes, mom.
 32.

MELINDA
Good. Good. Good. So good to see
you. Come inside.

She ushers Ben inside, purposely forgetting about Kendall. Rob is

still holding her tightly. Ben motions toward Kendall.

BEN
Mom?

MELINDA
What, honey?

BEN
(whispers)
Kendall.

Melinda rolls her eyes and walks towards her.

MELINDA
Hi, Kendall.

Ben prys Rob off Kendall. Rob is smiling (and has a huge boner).

KENDALL
Hi, Melinda. How are you doing?

MELINDA
Great. Well...
(smiles at Ben)
I was doing great.
(turns back to Kendall)
But, it’s so good to see you!

She puts on a fake smile and hugs her awkwardly taking careful
attention to keep her distance in the hug. Kendall shoots Ben a “I
told you so” look.

ROB
Come on everyone! You must be
exhausted from the drive. Melinda
prepared ice tea and pastries in
the backyard.

Rob and Melinda walk into the house.

KENDALL
(whispers to Ben)
Did you see that hug? It’s like she
believes she can catch Satan or
cancer by hugging me.
 33.

BEN
Don’t be so dramatic. She’s just
protective of her baby.

Ben kisses Kendall on the cheek.

MELINDA
Oh, Kendall, honey... you have bird
poo poo on your shoulder.

Melinda grins. Kendall eyes the poop.

KENDALL
Ah. Gross.

Kendall wipes it off and shakes her head.

BEN
You see? That means she cares for
you.

Ben jets off into the house. Kendall sighs and follows in.

EXT. PATIO - BACKYARD - PALMER HOME - SUNSET

Kendall and Ben lounge side by side in tiny white folding chairs.
Across from them, Rob and Melinda sip on ice tea sitting in raised
chairs that seem to be fit for a King. Behind them is a large,
vast area of land that the Palmers own.

ROB
So, Benny - what do you think of
the new place?

BEN
It’s nice. Big. But nice. I still
miss home back in Santa Barbara.
We had such a beautiful garden
there. But... I like it here. It’s
really... peaceful. Don’t you think,
Kendall?

KENDALL
(lying)
Yeah... It’s nice. Big. Sorta
boring for my taste. Too much land,
not enough action. I like the big
city action.

MELINDA
HA!
(mutters to self)
Hussy.
 34.

KENDALL
But I think it suits you guys well.

MELINDA
It’s hardly boring. Warm weather,
nature, and no Hispanic neighbors
to bug you with barking Taco Bell
dogs and filthy yard sales.
(she grabs Rob’s hand)
This here is 10 acres of pure
heavenly, Palmer bliss. Did you see
the baseball field your father built?

Ben and Kendall turn around to see a baseball field off in

the distance.

BEN
Wow. Why?

ROB
You know, son, I just kept hearing
a voice, “If you build it - he will
come.”

MELINDA
He was watching Field of Dreams
non-stop every night for a month.
I was hesitant about letting him
build the darn thing at first.
Seemed crazy. But... I changed my
mind when I started to hear it too!
(whispers)
If you build it HE will come.
(she glances at Rob)
We both knew who HE was.

ROB/MELINDA
Jesus.

Rob and Melinda smile at each other.

KENDALL
Jesus told you to build a baseball
field?

MELINDA
He did. I don’t know why, but he
did.

Ben raises his eyebrow at Kendall.

BEN
Does Charlie and his friends at
least play on it?
 35.

ROB
Nope. He actually wanted to build a
skate park over it. A punk Indian
kid, who even knew that they even
existed?! At least he’s clean.

BEN
Does anyone play on it?

ROB
Me, Jesus and the guys from work.
We have a weekly softball game.

MELINDA
With Jesus behind his swing - Babe
Ruth can shove it.

KENDALL
Jesus plays?

ROB
Well... our gardener, Jesus.

MELINDA
Pronounced Hey-Zeus. Funny name,
isn’t it?

ROB
We play tomorrow. You guys should
play!

KENDALL
Oh! If you know anything about me,
Rob... I’m so playing.

ROB
Yes! I call Kendall on my team!

Melinda sips from her drink, quietly upset.

ROB (cont’d)
What about you Ben? You in?

BEN
I’m not a baseball kinda guy. I
like to keep my soft hands sans
calluses. I’ll make treats with mom
on the sideline.

KENDALL
No way is my hubby gonna be the man
that bakes treats while everyone is
out having fun. He’ll play.
 36.

MELINDA
Kendall. He said he wanted to make
treats with me.

KENDALL
(mutters)
And you Christians wonder why your
kids turn out gay...

BEN
Baseball? Really?

ROB
(playfully)
Why are you marrying my flower
loving, baking cooking, non-sport
junkie son, Kendall?

KENDALL
You got me there, sir.

Kendall and Rob laugh. Rob leans in for a fist pound with
Kendall. Confused at first, Kendall gives him a fist pound.
Rob makes an awkward, sloppy explosion noise with his mouth.

BEN
ALRIGHT! I’ll play.

Kendall ruffles Ben’s hair. Melinda sits quietly steaming. Ben

takes close notice at how high Melinda’s and Rob’s chairs are.

BEN (cont’d)
Why are those chairs so high?

ROB
The air is better up here. Helps me
breath.

MELINDA
After your father had the heart
attack we made sure to take extra
precaution with making our lives a
much healthier one. Raising chairs.
Eating only 3 pounds of red meat a
day. Walks to the corner market
instead of driving.

BEN
Isn’t the corner market a block
away.

Melinda offers everyone a platter full of:

 37.

MELINDA
Raspberry scone?

ROB
Don’t mind if I do.
(grabs one)
Thanks, mom.

He kisses her on forehead.

MELINDA
They’re delicious.

Rob chomps his down.

ROB
Oh man oh man they are!

He lets out a huge HOWL. Ben takes one.

BEN
Oh my gosh! These look so good!
They smell just like the ones you
used to make when we were kids!
You still using the same recipe,
Mom?

MELINDA
(ultra perky)
Well yes, of course.
(then)
Except, now the recipe is a little
thing I like to call, “Starbucks”.
But I had to drive and pick them
up. Pretty much the same thing as
baking.

KENDALL
It is?

MELINDA
(mad)
Yes, Kendall, it is! You need to
brush up on the married life
handbook of recipes.

Melinda smiles and chuckles to herself.

KENDALL
Sorry no can do. Got the iPhone App
instead.

Busts out phone, looks up recipes.

 38.

KENDALL (cont’d)
To make raspberry scones from
scratch, use 2 cups of flower...

Melinda frowns. Kendall glares at Melinda. Ben fakes a laugh.

Tense. Everyone reverts to sipping their ice tea.

ROB
So, Kendall. How’s work going?

KENDALL
Good. Cleaning up the world. One
vagina at a time.

BEN
How’s the Cunnicream testing?

KENDALL
Good. I think it may really be
helping some of my patients.

MELINDA
What’s Cunnicream?

KENDALL
Makes your vagina smell better.

MELINDA
That sounds like the work of the
Evil Brother.

KENDALL
(sotto Ben)
Evil Brother?

BEN
(sotto Kendall)
Satan.

KENDALL
Actually, Cunnicream is making
82.7% of my patients happier,
healthier, and more faith-filled
and joyous. Makes them feel alive
again, down there. Beautiful - like
they were 20 years younger. I can
get you some if you like?

MELINDA
HA! No thanks. I’m more than happy
with my... odors.

Rob shakes his head - he’s not ok with her odors.

 39.

ROB
Well, sounds like work is going
good, Kendall. Real real good.

Rob eyes her sexy legs. Kendall notices and covers up.
Melinda saw it all - glares at Kendall.

MELINDA
(to Ben)
How is your garden of heaven doing, love?

BEN
Business is a little slow, but this
season of flowers might be the
finest most exquisite bunch I’ve
seen yet. Really blooming. Colors
are so vibrant. It almost brings me
to tears every time I smell them.

MELINDA
You’re such a sensitive, loving
man. Giving flowers to the frowning
faces of the world.
(shoots glare at Kendall)
Now that’s work a mother can be
proud of.

CRASH!

WE SEE CHARLIE falling on the ground after attempting a skateboard

trick. Charlie is 17, Ben's adopted Indian brother, birth name
Mandar. He was born in the slums on India and was adopted at 4 so
he's a full-on member of the family. He adopted the American youth
culture and has taken it to an extreme. He’s also a very horny
teenager.

MELINDA (cont’d)
You okay, Charlie?

Charlie pops to his feet.

CHARLIE
Fine, mom. Busted a nut but I got
rocks made of steel. STEEL RODS, YO!
Steely Dan!

MELINDA
(to Ben)
He’s such a cute-y pie. So inventive
with the English language. I never
know what he means.
 40.

ROB
Charlie! Come over here and say
hello to your future Aunt.

Charlie jogs over.

CHARLIE
What’s up pops?!

ROB
Charlie - this is Kendall.

CHARLIE
What up, honey?

ROB
No... it’s Kendall.

CHARLIE
I know what I said.

Charlie clenches his fist, sticks out his forearm.

KENDALL
Bash Brothers. Cool.

Kendall stands, gives Charlie the Bash Brothers forearm pound.

CHARLIE
Benny - this here is a cool chick.

KENDALL
Charlie, can I ask you something?

CHARLIE
Anything, mama.

KENDALL
Why did you change your name from
Mandar to Charlie?

CHARLIE
Is that even a question? Pshh!
Mandar was a real lame name. Meant
tree of heaven. More like dumbass
in heaven sitting in a tree! Am I
right or what, bitches! I like
Charlie now. Sorta sexy and
sophisticated. You now might think
that I smoke a pipe and read a book
- which I don’t. Or you might think
I tap the backside of a nice round
mound twenty-four/seven.
(MORE)
 41.

CHARLIE (cont'd)
The name Charlie really gets the
ladies going. I even gave myself a
nickname. Pussy Smacker.
(whispers to Kendall)
I bet you know what that means.

MELINDA
(interjects)
Okay! Good. Thanks, Charlie. You
can go now.

CHARLIE
We doing din din soon, mama?

MELINDA
Oh, yes. We’ve been preparing a
meal all day! Come along, Ben!

Melinda escorts Ben by his arm. Rob turns to Kendall.

ROB
(sincere)
You know, you think you can send me
some of that Cunnicream? Melinda
might come around.

Kendall smiles.

KENDALL
No problem... Dad.

Rob smiles and side hugs Kendall. Melinda scowls.

INT. DINNER TABLE - KITCHEN - PALMER HOME - NIGHT

WE SEE a huge Lobster, a mound of fried chicken, a glazed ham, and

various side dishes on a pristine brown mahogany table. It’s a
beautiful feast. Oddly, two Jesus statues, an African American
Jesus and White Jesus, stand in the middle of the table.

Ben and Kendall sit in awe at the food at one side of the
table while Rob, Melinda and Charlie sit on the other side.

BEN
Mom, this looks amazing!

MELINDA
Thank you, honey.

KENDALL
(surprised)
You cooked all of this?
 42.

ROB
Well, we bought-

Melinda kicks Rob under the table.

MELINDA
Yes, Kendall. I cooked all of it.
Don’t be so surprised. I am a woman
of many talents.

KENDALL
Apparently.

Kendall turns her head and spots a KFC box sticking out of
the garbage. She smiles. Melinda glares.

CHARLIE
I’m so hungry I’d eat poonnany
right now. Kendall?

KENDALL
I don’t think so.

CHARLIE
(grinning)
Yeah. I know that’s code word for:
you want some.

Kendall reaches in to grab a piece of chicken - Melinda slaps

her hand away.

MELINDA
We need to say grace first.

Ben kisses Kendall’s hand. Melinda clears her throat and

everyone grabs each others hand. Kendall reluctantly does so.

MELINDA (cont’d)
The graduating guest of honor...
Charlie, will you lead us in grace?

Everyone closes their eyes.

CHARLIE
Yo God, you the man for putting this
bread on this brown wood table that
used to be a living tree. We sit here
thinking about our life, salivating,
dying to eat this food, thinking
about busting a cap into someone if I
don’t get a nibble of this fried
goodness a-sap.
(MORE)
 43.

CHARLIE (cont'd)
But we must give praise to you - even
though we have no clue where you are,
or if you exist... but if my mama
says you exist than you exist.

Melinda nods her head - the Lord is speaking through her.

CHARLIE (cont’d)
Plus, I don’t wanna get smacked.
Mom’s got a bitchin’ back-hand.

Rob nods in full agreement. Kendall tries not to laugh.

CHARLIE (cont’d)
We thank you for your heavenly
goodness, for my pops healthy
ticking time bomb, and for my bro
dawg Ben. Also, we thank you for
love, peace and putting fine
senoritas on this planet. There’s
mostly white chicks in Arizona.
Wish there was more senoritas out
here - but I can roll either way.
White chicks love the Smacker.
Maybe I’ll bust down to Tijuana for
a weekend God to get the Spanish
thirst out of me. Get all crazy.
Thank you Lord for Tijuana. Thank
you.

KENDALL
(whispers sotto to Ben)
I don’t think he understands the
concept of prayer.

MELINDA
Shhhh.

Melinda glares at Kendall. Melinda closes her eyes, enters

back into the state of serenity.

CHARLIE
Oh, and lastly, I like to give a
shout out to my special honeys:
Jasmine, Kelly, Boom-quesha. All
disciples of my Jesus stick. Oh,
and my new girl, which I will
surely tap if Ben doesn’t...
Kendall. She fine. In the Lord,
God, that Virgin Mary chick...
Amen.

BEN/MELINDA/ROB
Amen.
 44.

Everyone opens their eyes - Charlie flickers his tongue at

Kendall; she rolls her eyes.

MELINDA
Let’s eat. That was lovely, Charlie.

ROB
Your comment about God and the
backhand was spot on.

Rob rubs his head in remembrance of when he received one.

Everyone begins filling their plates with food.

BEN
(unsure)
Yeah... real good, Charlie.

KENDALL
Interesting. All over the place.
Creative thinker. I liked it.

CHARLIE
Yesss! I’m so gonna get some!

MELINDA
Yes you are gonna get some of
the Lord’s goodness in you. I’m
just so proud at how far you’ve come,
Charlie. A little ratty slumdog boy in
India to such a fine, outstanding member
of society. You’re all grown up now. I’m
just so proud of you.

ROB
We are all so proud of you.

CHARLIE
Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Cool.

Charlie is busy texting. WE SEE TEXT: “Luv UR Milky Thunder

Thighs. Pogo later?”

BEN
Yeah, Charlie. Congratulations on
graduating high school.

KENDALL
Congrats.

BEN
What are you gonna do next?

CHARLIE
Well, I’m thinking about-
 45.

MELINDA
Charlie here is going to junior
college. Then he’s gonna transfer
to a four year university. Maybe
Berkley. Then it’s off to grad
school to become a doctor.

BEN
Wow. Impressive.

CHARLIE
Well, actually, I was thinking
about getting my AA in computer
graphics and then picking up a
sweet gig in the video game industry.

KENDALL
Now that sounds awesome.

MELINDA
We talked about this, Charlie. You
are going to become a doctor.
(looks at Rob)
Tell him, honey?

ROB
Well... dear. I think it’s
important that Charlie does what
he wants to do with his life.

Melinda shoots him a glare.

ROB (cont’d)
(scared)
But I do think Charlie should
consider all options - including
the doctor route.

Melinda smiles - she got her way.

KENDALL
Well, I think Charlie should do
what he wants to do. It’s his life.
You only go around once, you know.
(she looks at Charlie)
Charlie, the video game industry is
all the rave now-a-days. You can
make a successful living doing
that. Very fulfilling creatively as
well.

CHARLIE
Thanks. Ben, where did you find
this chick? She’s perfect.
 46.

BEN
You don’t have to tell me, brother.

Ben and Kendall eye each other - smitten. Melinda is upset.

MELINDA
I think Charlie’s mother would know
what’s best for him, Kendall. But
thanks for your input. I forgot, do
you have kids?

KENDALL
No.

MELINDA
OK. So... maybe this isn’t your
element.

KENDALL
I’m just saying he should choose
what he wants to do with his life.
That’s all.

MELINDA
Noted.

Everyone eats in silence for a few seconds.

ROB
Listen up, Palmer family. Tomorrow
will be super fun. We got a bunch
of stuff for us to do tomorrow as
one big happy family! We’ll
conclude the day with a softball
game and BBQ! Isn’t that awesome?!

MELINDA/KENDALL
(not pleased)
Great.

Silence.

BEN
Can you pass the mash potatoes,
dear?

Both Kendall and Melinda grab the bowl. They tug on it.

MELINDA
I got it.

KENDALL
He’s closer to me. It’s really
okay, Melinda. I got it.
 47.

MELINDA
It’s no big deal. I can pass him it.

KENDALL
I think I can handle it.

They tug on the bowl.

MELINDA
He said dear. He was obviously
talking to me.

KENDALL
I’m positive the dear was referring
to me.

Melinda and Kendall tug on it.

Kendall (cont’d)
I got it!

MELINDA
I think I know what he wants!

KENDALL
I think I KNOW what he wants!

The two tug on it until - Kendall pulls too hard and it flies
from both their grip - breaking the head off of the Black
Jesus statue. SPLAT! Head lands in the mash potato bowl.

MELINDA
Jesus!

KENDALL
Oh no. I’m so sorry.

CHARLIE
You totally decaped Black Jesus!
(pause, then)
Awesome!

MELINDA
You see what you did?!

BEN
She didn’t mean to, mom.

MELINDA
Do you have a thing against black
people?

KENDALL
What?! No!
 48.

ROB
Honey, you both were tugging on it.
You are both to blame for Black
Jesus losing his head.

MELINDA
Shut up, Rob! Black Jesus never
loses his head or cool!

BEN
Mom, calm down. We still have
White Jesus.

MELINDA
I’m so upset right now. That black
Jesus was passed down from my
mother. It’s been in our family for
generations. It’s my way of showing
tolerance to people’s views on the
physical appearance of Jesus! Even
though I am one hundred percent sure
Jesus is white. Like way more than
positive-put my life on it sure.

KENDALL
You show tolerance by having a
black Jesus statue?

MELINDA
Yes! And now you ruined that!

BEN
We can glue the head back on.

MELINDA
No! It’s ruined. I... I... I’m
gonna go lay down.

Melinda gets up.

BEN
Mom. Come on.

It’s too late. Melinda has gone upstairs. Tense at the table.

ROB
Don’t worry. I’ll go talk to her.

Ben and Kendall look at each other concerned. Charlie takes a

glob of the mash potatoes, slops it on his plate: the Black
Jesus head smack dab in the middle of it. He examines, then:

CHARLIE
Kanye?
 49.

INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - PALMER HOME - NIGHT

Kendall shaves her face with a razor. She’s wearing sexy lingerie.

KENDALL
(to Ben O.S.)
I can’t believe I chopped off
Black Jesus’s head.

INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ben neatly makes the bed.

BEN
(to Kendall is bathroom)
Don’t worry about it, love.
You both are to blame for that.

INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kendall finishes shaving her face.

KENDALL
I was obviously closest to the bowl
and closest to you. It was clearly
my task - not hers. Who has both a
black and white Jesus statue anyway?

INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ben slips on some checkered pajama pants.

BEN
My mother can be confusing
sometimes. But her faith has always
been important to her. Got her
through some tough times. Her own
mother was very over-bearing.

INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kendall wipes her face, begins to pee in the toilet standing up.

KENDALL
I told you she hates me.

INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ben fluffs a pillow.

 50.

BEN
She doesn’t hate you. She’s just
trying to get to know you. She’s
worried about me. Maybe she worries
a little too much. She just wants
to make sure the woman I’m marrying
is the right one.

INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

Kendall pulls up her pants and lets out a fart.

KENDALL
She’s a little nuts, if you ask me.

INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ben lays on the bed.

BEN
Hey! That’s my mother you’re
talking about. Come on.

Kendall exits the bathroom, cuddles up next to him on the bed.

KENDALL
I’m sorry, baby. It’s just hard
when a person is making it extremely
difficult to get along with.

BEN
I know. I’m sorry she can be that
way. Just try to understand where
she’s coming from.

KENDALL
I will try.

BEN
Try try try to get along with her.

KENDALL
Can’t promise anything.

BEN
Please just try.

Ben’s puppy dog face. Kendall caves in.

KENDALL
Alright. I will try.
 51.

Kendall french kisses him. The two begin to make-out.

BEN
(during kissing)
Thank you.

KENDALL
(kissing)
That dear was for me, right?

They keep kissing - hot and sexy.

BEN
(kissing)
Of course.

She smiles and kisses.

BEN (cont’d)
(kissing)
Who knew that dear would lead to
decap-ing Black Jesus.

KENDALL
(kissing)
I couldn’t have him see us making
out. It’d be a sin. A naughty, sexy-
(tonguing his tongue,
then whispers)
-sin.

Kendall grabs his crotch. Ben is in heaven. All Of a sudden,

Rob comes into the room. Kendall and Ben jump back startled.

BEN
Oh... hey, dad.

ROB
Hey you two. What you doing?

BEN
Talking. Playing cards.

Rob looks around.

ROB
Where are the cards?

BEN
Umm... umm...

KENDALL
In our head.
 52.

Rob smiles - he knows they’re full of shit.

ROB
That’s what they’re calling
foreplay these days. Playing cards?
I got it. Your mother and I used to
call it hanky-panky. Hide the
canned sausage in the meat packing
district. Let me just say... you
think a cat can purr? You should
hear your mother when I nibble on
her tit.

BEN
Dad! Too much info.

ROB
Oh.
(pause)
Anyway, I talked to your mother and
she’s calmed down quite a bit.
She’s practically over the Jesus
thing. She thinks it might’ve been
God’s way of telling us that Jesus
is most certainly white. So, I
think we’re good.

KENDALL
Thank god.

ROB
God, indeed, works in mysterious
ways.
(pause)
But, there is something she wants
Kendall to do.

BEN
What?

ROB
She doesn’t feel comfortable with the
two of you sleeping in the same bed
before marriage. She wants you to
sleep in the basement.

KENDALL
For the night?

ROB
For the week.

KENDALL
What? Really?
 53.

ROB
I’m afraid so.

BEN
I think you should just do it.

KENDALL
Ben?

BEN
Remember what I said, “Try try to
get along”. It’s important to me that
you and my mother work this out.

KENDALL
(rolls her eyes)
Fine.

ROB
Perfect! Thank you.

Rob eyes Kendall’s sexy legs. Ben notices.

BEN
Dad!

ROB
Oh. Right. Sorry. Goodnight.

BEN/KENDALL
Night.

Rob exits. Kendall turns to Ben.

KENDALL
The basement?

BEN
It’s not that bad, love.

KENDALL
Do I have to?

BEN
Stay on her good side.

KENDALL
Fine.

BEN
Thank you.

Ben and Kendall kiss. She picks up a pillow, blanket and exits.
 54.

INT. STAIRS - BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER

Kendall makes her way down the steps of the cold, dark basement.

KENDALL
This is just great.

She reaches the bottom.

Kendall (cont’d)
AHHHH!!

WE SEE a giant stuffed Bear standing right in front of her.

ROB (O.S.)
You alright down there?

Rob makes his way down the steps. He CLAPS - the lights go on.

KENDALL
Yeah! Scared by the bear.

ROB
Oh, Lucy. Yep. Killed that thing
with my bare hands. Tough fight -
but I conquered it, as you can see.

Rob grins at Kendall.

ROB (cont’d)
Let me move that.

Rob moves the bear to a corner and covers it with a sheet.

ROB (cont’d)
(pointing at bed)
Mattress. Sheets. Pillow. All here.
You need anything else?

KENDALL
I’m good.

ROB
Goodnight, daughter.

Rob kisses her on the cheek and exits. Kendall feels comforted.
She runs to her bed and jumps on it. POOF! A little cloud of dust
springs up - she coughs.

KENDALL
This is gonna be a long week.

Kendall crawls under the covers. She CLAPS - lights turn off.
 55.

INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - MORNING

Kendall sleeps soundly under the covers.

MELINDA (O.S.)
MORNING!!!

She springs up startled and drowsy.

KENDALL
What! What’s going on?!!!

Melinda, wide-eyed, hovers two inches from Kendall’s face.

MELINDA
Just getting an early start on the
day. Get dressed. I made breakfast.
(pause)
And yes... I made this one.

KENDALL
(confused by her
sincerity)
Okay...

Melinda leaves the room. Kendall rubs her eyes. She opens
them to see that the blanket covering the bear has been
removed. The bear stares at her - fangs eager to eat.

Kendall (cont’d)
(to bear)
Go ahead. Eat me. You’d be doing me
a favor, Smokey.

She stares at the bear and sighs.

INT. KITCHEN - PALMER HOME - MORNING

Rob, Ben and Charlie sit at the table picking at their eggs,
grossed out by the meal. Melinda sits content as she sips
coffee from her big mug labeled, “World’s Best Mother”.

Kendall walks up from the basement, steps into the kitchen.

BEN
Morning, honey.

KENDALL
Morning.

ROB
You sleep alright?
 56.

KENDALL
No bears got me...
(glances at Melinda)
... well, not yet.

MELINDA
I made you a special breakfast
plate, Kendall.

Kendall sits down at the table and eyes the plate: burnt yellow
eggs, floppy soggy toast, and a few little burnt sausages.
Everyone looks at her - they are all disgusted by the meal.
Kendall springs to action.

KENDALL
Stop being babies, guys. The trick
is combining the elements to turn
crap into something amazing. Rob,
hot sauce. Ben, pepper. Charlie,
you stay put, don’t know where
those hands have been.

CHARLIE
(sniffs his finger)
That’s probably a good idea.

Rob hands her the hot sauce, Ben hands her the pepper.
Kendall starts putting both all over the eggs and toast.

MELINDA
That’s really not necessary. It’s
simple and great. I made it.

KENDALL
It just needs a little kick.

Kendall flops the eggs on the toast, crams the sausage on

top. Takes a bite.

Kendall (cont’d)
(mouthful)
Now that’s breakfast.

Rob, Charlie and Ben do the same process. Rob takes a bite.

ROB
Now this is living!

Charlie takes a mean bite.

CHARLIE
This is better than vodka.
 57.

BEN
Not bad.

ROB
After all these years of crap
breakfast... I now know what to do?!
Where were you 30 years ago, Kendall?

They all devour their breakfast, smiley faces smothered with

hot sauce while Melinda’s face hides behind her mug steaming
pissed off inside. Kendall smiles at her.

MELINDA
(sarcastic)
Isn’t this going to be a fun day.

FADE IN MONTAGE AND HAPPY MUSIC:

EXT. MAIN STREET - DOWNTOWN - MORNING

The Palmer’s walk along the street. Melinda points at an old

vintage store. The family is hesitant. Kendall eyes a hip, sexy
store across the street. The family is excited; they head to the
store. Melinda rolls her eyes, but goes along with it.

INT. HIP STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Melinda holds up the stuffiest collared shirt in the store in

front of Rob. He’s not happy. Kendall comes around the corner
and hands him a cool shirt that looks young and sharp on him.
He loves it. Melinda fumes.

Charlie tries on a slick, cool hat. Kendall comes around and

hands him a cane to go with it. He loves it and pantomimes
jacking off with the cane.

Ben stares at tiny blue jean shorts. Kendall shakes her head,
lights them on fire and hands him a cool pair of boating
shorts. He likes them and the two make out.

Melinda watches the scene with disgust. Rob sports his new
shirt. Melinda whacks him on the head.

INT. RUNWAY - HIP STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Rob, Ben, Charlie and Melinda all sit down at the end of the
runway in the store. Kendall comes out strutting her stuff:

- a hot dress; a little Bo-Peep outfit; a bikini; a summer

dress with hot Lolita glasses.
 58.

All the guys gawk, cheer while Melinda stands back scoffing.

INT. TABLE - FANCY RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON

Bored, the family eats lunch. Melinda is having a nice time

sipping her ice tea. Kendall spots a basketball game going on in
the bar. She points it out to the guys. Melinda shakes her head.
The family pleads, begs for Melinda to let them go watch the game.

INT. BAR - FANCY RESTAURANT - SECONDS LATER

Rob, Ben, Charlie and Kendall watch the game on TV, drinking
pints of beers and cheering. Melinda drinks a big fruity
cocktail at the bar. A gross, bearded drunk MAN next to her
starts rubbing up on her. She pushes him off and order the
Bartender for another drink.

Rob and Ben high-five at the game. Charlie picks up Kendall,

she motions for him to put her down. Ben kisses Kendall’s
cheek. Charlie sneaks in a kiss.

Melinda fumes.

EXT. MAIN STREET - DOWNTOWN - AFTERNOON

The family walks on the street. Mom points at a sign that

reads, “Future Doctor’s of the World: Seminar - FREE”. She
makes Charlie look at it. She wants the family to go in.
Charlie rolls his eyes.

Kendall points to a store across the street, the sign reads:

VIDEO GAMES ‘TIL YOUR EYES BLEED. Charlie gets excited and
runs to the store. The family follows.

Melinda is so pissed off.

INT. VIDEO GAME STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Charlie and Kendall have a dance off on the “Dance Dance

Revolution” game. Ben plays pinball. Rob plays a hunt/shoot game.

At the Whac-A-Mole Game, Melinda is whacking the shit out of

every mole that dares to pop up from the hole. She is so
pissed she whacks one straight out of it’s hole! It goes
flying towards the front window and breaks it. Melinda eyes
the broken window in shock.
 59.

EXT. VIDEO GAME STORE - MOMENTS LATER

Rob pays the angry store MANAGER money for the broken window.
Everyone, but Melinda, laughs.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - AFTERNOON

Rob, Ben, and Charlie all sit on the couch and watch football
on TV in the living room.

Melinda sets down a tray of assorted veggies. The family

cringes at the store bought veggies. Then, Kendall plops down
the biggest, awesomest plate of nachos right next to the
veggies. The boys dig in.

Kendall hands Rob and Ben two fresh beers. Rob fist pounds
her and this time both making sloppy, explosion noises.

She hands Charlie a juice box. He sucks from the straw

seductively; chokes, but recovers.

Kendall kisses Ben on the forehead, walks to the kitchen to

wash the dishes.

Melinda takes a mean bite into a carrot. A menacing look

appears on her face as Kendall washes the dishes in the sink.

END MONTAGE AND HAPPY MUSIC.

INT. BASEBALL FIELD - PALMER HOME - AFTERNOON

Various MEN from Rob’s work toss the softball around. Their
wives and kids hang out at park benches near the field
talking, drinking, eating. Charlie chats it up with a young
GIRL on a bench.

CHARLIE
So... how old are you?

GIRL
16.

CHARLIE
Nice. I’m 17. You know... 16 is the
new 21 in India.

GIRL
Huh?

CHARLIE
Nevermind.
 60.

GIRL
Are you an Indian with a feather or
a dot?

CHARLIE
What do you like?

GIRL
Feather.

CHARLIE
I’m a feather.

Charlie slides his arm around her.

In the outfield grass, Ben tosses a softball back and forth

with Kendall. She’s wearing sexy high shorts, high pin-stripe
socks, black paint under her eyes, and her hair is in pig
tails under her red cap. Damn she looks sporty cute!

KENDALL
Isn’t this field awesome?!

BEN
Yeah. I guess. Seems excessive.

KENDALL
No way. You’re dad’s such a kid at
heart and exercise is good for him.
We’re building one when we get married.

BEN
Only if we can have the biggest
garden in all of LA county?

KENDALL
Hmmm.... Deal.

Rob tosses a ball with a MALE co-worker.

ROB
Just win, Kendall.

KENDALL
All the way!

Kendall throws the ball hard and Ben struggles to catch it.

KENDALL (cont’d)
Sorry.

Ben throws it back and it goes way over her head.

 61.

Kendall (cont’d)
I’ll get it.

Kendall runs after it. All the guys stop and watch her run
after the ball in awe. So sexy - so hot.

Melinda and two WOMEN friends on the side of the field chat
as they watch Kendall run.

WOMAN 1
Kendall seems very nice. Strong,
yet sweet. Really attractive too.

WOMAN 2
Though something does feel a little
odd about her.

WE SEE Kendall itching her groin as she picks up the ball.

WOMAN 1
What are you talking about? She’s a
gorgeous woman. And yet, she plays
sports and hangs with the guys like
a total... dude.

ZIP! OFF SCREEN, A GUY zips down his pants:

WOMAN 2
Put your dick away, Bill!

BILL (O.S.)
Sorry.

WE SEE Kendall chuck the ball to Ben from a far distance on a

line. All the guys CLAP and HOLLER at her.

ROB
Nice arm, Kendall!

Melinda confides with her friends.

MELINDA
(sinister, to Women)
She’s got something wrong with her
alright. And I don’t like it at all.
(pause)
Excuse me, ladies. I will be right back.

Melinda jets off and into the house.

ON FIELD, Rob gathers the troops.

 62.

ROB
Alright guys. Let’s get this game
started!

KENDALL
(yells)
Play ball!

EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - FIELD - MOMENTS LATER

Everyone stands in their positions. Kendall is the lone girl

on both squads. She is playing shortstop. Rob is the pitcher.

ROB
Alright. Batter up!

A MAN steps in at the plate. Kendall pounds her fist in the mit.

KENDALL
(chanting)
Hey, batter batter. Suck it batter
batter. Suck it big, batter batter.
Suck it long!

Rob pitches it and the Man hits it right to Kendall. She

fields it cleanly and guns it to first.

ROB
He’s out! Nice gun, Kendall.

KENDALL
Thanks, pops.

The next BATTER steps in.

ROB
(mocking)
Easy out!

KENDALL
Batter’s got a fat ass! Fatty
pants!! Lose some weight! Or get
bigger pants! Sweatpants!

Batter, unsure, turns to the Catcher.

BATTER
Do you think I’m fat?

CATCHER turns to him.

CATCHER
Yeah. You kinda are.
 63.

BATTER
(dejected)
Damn. Maybe I’ll do that lap-band
crap I keep seeing everywhere.
(singing)
Let your new life begin call
1-800- GET-THIN!!!

ROB
Strike one for the singing.

Rob pitches the ball and Batter hits it up the middle. It looks
like a base hit - but Kendall dives for it, snags it in mid-air.

ROB (cont’d)
Out TWO! Oh, yeah! Way to lay out!

Kendall is pumped as she runs back to position. She leaves

the dirt on her clothes.

ROB (cont’d)
Next victim!

Ben walks to the plate.

KENDALL
Easy one! Outfield move in!

She waves the outfield players to move in.

Kendall (cont’d)
More!

The outfielders keep running in.

Kendall (cont’d)
More!

They move in, practically into the infield. Ben stands dejected.

Kendall (cont’d)
Perfect! Give my honey buns the
high heater, Rob!

ROB
You got it!

Rob pitches and Ben swings - MISS.

KENDALL
Big whiffer!

Ben stands back looking glum. Rob pitches it and Ben swings,
misses and falls to the ground. Kendall laughs.
 64.

Kendall (cont’d)
Almost got that one! The object is
to hit the ball, babe! Not land on
your ass!

BEN
(snaps back)
I know how to play!

KENDALL
Alright... let’s see it then.

SLOW MOTION:

Ben steps back in the box - more determined. He grinds in.

Rob pitches it and Ben swings... HE CRUSHES IT! He’s shocked
as he begins to run the bases.

The ball is in mid-flight heading for the back wall for a

homer. The CENTERFIELDER is stunned that Ben even hit it - he
gets a late jump and runs after it. There’s no way he is
going to get it.

All of a sudden, WE SEE Kendall running by the Centerfielder

(SLOW MOTION). She sprints all out like a gazelle - beautiful
strong, lean, fast and elegant. She gets to the wall, jumps
up and catches the ball - robbing a homerun!

END SLOW MOTION.

Everyone CHEERS!

ROB
Awesome! Good rob! Alright,
Kendall!

Ben stands stunned at second base. Kendall runs in. Rob and
her teammates greet her with high fives and chest bumps.
Kendall jogs over to Ben at second base, who stands dejected.

KENDALL
Good hit babe.

BEN
Yeah. Yeah.

KENDALL
You’re running with the tiger. You
should know that I catch all white
objects flying towards my face.

Kendall snuggles up to him, plants a big wet kiss. He feels

better. She slaps his ass, runs back towards her teammates.
 65.

TEAMMATE 1
(to Rob)
She’s like a much hotter Willy
Mays... and not dying either.

ROB
Special lady we are dealing with
here, boys. One very special,
unique lady.

They stand and watch her run towards them.

ZIP!

WOMAN 2 (O.S.)
BILL!!!

INT. KITCHEN - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS

Melinda is on the phone.

MELINDA
Hi, Christy! I’m doing good. How
are you doing, sweetie?
(pause)
That’s great. The Lord has indeed
blessed us with tremendous weather.
(pause)
God’s sunshine makes the depression
rain... wash away.
(then)
Listen - I need you to do me a
favor. Guess what? Ben’s in town!
(pause)
I know I’m excited too!
(pause)
Good Lord, keep those panties on,
my love. Look, I need you to come
over and help out with cooking and
stuff.
(pause)
Now. Perfect. OK. See you soon,
hun. Bye bye.

Melinda grins with delight.

EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - FIELD - MOMENTS LATER

WE SEE Melinda joining the girls on the side of the field.

WOMAN 1
Where’d you go?
 66.

MELINDA
Had to make an emergency phone
call. Did I miss anything?

WOMAN 2
Just Kendall being the best
baseball player I’ve ever seen.
That girl is special.

MELINDA
Hardly.

Melinda takes a a big chug from her wine cooler bottle.

ON THE FIELD, WE SEE Kendall grinding her shoes in the batter

box at the plate.

KENDALL
(calls out to Ben
in left field)
This is going over your head!

Ben pats his mit determined. The PITCHER pitches the ball -
Kendall takes a massive swing and KAPOW!

The ball rockets over Ben’s head, who trips and falls trying
to go after it. The ball goes over the fence.

ROB
Homerun! Alright, Kendall!

Everyone CHEERS and APPLAUDS as she rounds the bases. As she

rounds third for home... In the distance, she see a gorgeous,
blonde WOMAN in a beautiful sunflower dress walking up with a
basket of flowers.

Kendall steps on home plate and stares out at the Woman.

Melinda notices, gets excited and skips over to her.

MELINDA
Christy!

Ben immediately becomes alert, stares eyes-wide at Christy.

Kendall watches the scene. Melinda and Christy hug, chat it up.

CHRISTY is 32, beautiful, wholesome, Ben's high school girlfriend

of 5 years, and would marry him if he would have her.

MELINDA (cont’d)
(calls out)
Ben! Say hello to Christy!

Ben jogs over. As he passes by Kendall at homeplate:

 67.

KENDALL
(mutters to Ben)
Christy?

BEN
Family friend.

Kendall eyes the scene confused and nervous.

BEN (cont’d)
Hey, Christy.

CHRISTY
Oh my god, Benjamin. It’s been
forever!

KENDALL
(mutters)
Benjamin?

Christy kisses Ben on the cheek and gives him a long hug.

CHRISTY
Ready for the O-G-I-A-G!

BEN
Oh no...

CHRISTY
(singing)
Our God is an awesome God!
He reigns from heaven above.
(then)
Come on Benjamin!

BEN/CHRISTY
With wisdom pow'r and love!
Our God is an awesome God!

They laugh, hug, she rubs his back and eyes Kendall down.

KENDALL
Did I really just witness that?

Kendall spits on the ground.

BEN
It’s been about two years.

CHRISTY
Two years, three months and ten
days! Way too long. I miss my
little flower bed.
 68.

BEN
I always loved it when you call me
that.

CHRISTY
You loved a lot things I did.
(pause)
I picked you some beautiful lilies
and lilacs from my garden.

Christy hands over the basket. Ben smells them.

BEN
They smell delicious. Just the
right amount of texture and age.
They’re perfect. Thank you.

CHRISTY
I always knew how to get you going.

Ben and Christy smile at each other. Kendall clears her

throat loudly. Ben snaps out of it.

BEN
Oh! Christy! I want you to come
meet my girlfriend.

MELINDA
(mutters to Christy)
Soon to be ex.

Kendall walks over.

BEN
(to Christy)
Christy - this is Kendall.

KENDALL
Hi. I’m actually his fiance.

Kendall sticks out her hand for a shake.

CHRISTY
Sisters hug.

Christy hugs her.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
So nice to finally meet you. I’ve
heard so much about you.
 69.

KENDALL
(shoots look at Ben)
That’s funny. I’ve heard nothing
about you.

Christy rubs Kendall’s back while still holding her tightly.

CHRISTY
You have such a strong back. Like
an ox or something.

KENDALL
(rapping)
I get it from my mama.

CHRISTY
I don’t get it.

KENDALL
Nevermind.

Christy pulls away.

CHRISTY
I like my petite, fragile frame.
(nudges Ben)
And I thought you were always into
blondes.

MELINDA
That’s what I always said! Thought
he wanted to marry a blonde!
Someone just like his mother.

Melinda squeezes Christy tightly.

CHRISTY
I guess there are exceptions to
everything.

BEN
So, what brings you out here?

KENDALL
Yeah. I’d like to know this.

CHRISTY
Well, your mother called me-

KENDALL
Of course.
 70.

CHRISTY
- and said she needed help with the
cooking. And you know I still work
for her at her greeting card
company. Can’t say no to the boss
or it’s my little butt on the curb.

Christy and Melinda let out an annoying fake laugh together.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
Besides, I thought it would be nice
to see my little love bug.

Christy hugs Ben, squeezes him tightly. Kendall eyes her down.

KENDALL
(sarcastic)
I’d love to hear one of your cards.

MELINDA
No no no. We’re at a barbecue. No time
for work stuff.

CHRISTY
Oh come on! We’re so proud of them.

KENDALL
(mocking)
Yeah! Come on, mom. Let her.

Melinda glares.

MELINDA
Fine.

CHRISTY
Yay! This one is a holiday theme.

KENDALL
This should be good.

CHRISTY
(reiterating card)
Ho Ho Ho. Do Do Do. May you have a
wonderful Christmas and we hope you
take solid poo poos! Merry Christmas,
Grandpa. Let the Lord show you the
way to the fiber pills this holiday.

Kendall busts up laughing.

KENDALL
Classic!
 71.

Rob calls over from the diamond.

ROB
Hey, guys! Don’t mean to break it up
but we’re in the middle of a game here!

CHRISTY
(to Rob)
Hey Rob-o-cop!

ROB
Hey Christy Licky!

CHRISTY
(to Ben)
Isn’t your dad just the best?

BEN
He is.

KENDALL
Well, WE are gonna go play. It’s a
little aggressive out there. So, hang
out by the side and do whatever you
ladies do. We’ll catch up later.

Kendall and Ben walk off. Melinda nudges Christy.

CHRISTY
I’ll play!

Ben and Kendall stop.

KENDALL
Really?

CHRISTY
Of course. I’ve always loved
sports. What are we playing?

Kendall looks at the baseball field and then turns back.

KENDALL
(obviously)
Baseball.

CHRISTY
Love that sport! Do I need a stick?

KENDALL
No.

BEN
You can be on my team, Christy.
 72.

CHRISTY
Perfect! It will be just like the
old days when were dating!

Christy runs along and gets a mit from the dugout. She kisses Rob
on the cheek. Kendall is fuming as she and Ben watch Christy greet
and meet all the softball men who gawk over her.

KENDALL
(to Ben)
You guys dated?

BEN
A little.

KENDALL
How long?

BEN
Ummm... five years.

KENDALL
What??!!

CHRISTY
Come on you two. Don’t be sore
poop heads!

Melinda laughs on the sidelines.

MELINDA
You’re so bad, Christy.

CHRISTY
Oh yeah, Mrs. P!

Ben turns to Kendall who is steaming.

BEN
It will be fine. Come on.

Ben kisses her cheek, runs off into the arms of Christy.
Kendall wipes off the kiss.

KENDALL
This bitch is going down.

Kendall spits on the ground and adjusts her crotch. A little

KID nearby watches her; he stares. Kendall snaps at him.

Kendall (cont’d)
You never seen a grown woman itch
her dick?! What you looking at?!
 73.

The Kid runs off scared.

EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - FIELD - PALMER HOME BACKYARD - LATER

Rob stands on the mound ready to pitch.

ROB
Alright everyone. We got a tough
out here. Real power hitter.

Christy awkwardly digs into the batter box at the plate.

CHRISTY
You bet your butt, Mr. P.

At shortstop, Kendall pounds her mit determined. Rob pitches it,

Christy swings, misses. Kendall laughs.

ROB
Good cut, honey.

On the sideline:

MELINDA
Good try, lady bug.

Kendall pounds her mit.

KENDALL
Easy out, Rob. Easy out. Just throw
it over the plate and it’s a
guaranteed out.

ROB
Take it easy, Kendall.

Kendall is slightly taken back - he’s turned on her?

KENDALL
Sorry.

In the dugout, Ben motions for her to calm down.

ROB
Nice and easy, Christy Licky.

Christy digs in the batter box. Rob pitches it and Christy

swings - WHIFF. Kendall busts up laughing.

KENDALL
(calls out to Christy)
Really got that one! The breeze
never felt so good in Arizona.
 74.

ROB
(to Christy)
Don’t pay attention to any of that,
honey. You’re doing great.

CHRISTY
Thanks, Mr. P.
(calls to Kendall)
This ones coming to you, girl!

KENDALL
You gotta hit it first, Licky!

Christy digs into the plate. Determined. Rob pitches, Christy

swings and CRACK - she hits it! The ball rolls right towards
Kendall who gets in front of it, preparing for the ball to roll
into her mit.

THEN, it hits a rock, takes a bad bounce - hitting her right

in the crotch!

OOOOH'S and AWE’S from EVERYONE.

Kendall falls to the ground in pain.

Kendall (cont’d)
My dick! My dick! Ahhhh!

A GUY in dugout turns to another GUY.

GUY
Did she just say... dick?

GUY 2
Fuck it - I’d still bang her.

Kendall groans in pain on the ground.

MELINDA
(mutters to herself)
Bullseye. Good hit, Christy!

Rob and Ben shoot Melinda a “not cool” look. They both tend
to Kendall on the ground, clutching her crotch in pain.

BEN
You okay, honey?

KENDALL
(in pain)
My penis!

BEN
Vagina? You mean, vagina.
 75.

KENDALL
Yes. Yes. Whatever. Penis. Vagina.
Same thing! Pain has no gender!

BEN
(to Rob)
I think we should examine her head.

Christy rounds third base, skips and leaps onto home plate.

CHRISTY
Slam Dunk!

Melinda is the sole person APPLAUDING.

EXT. BENCH AREA - BBQ TIME - PALMER BACKYARD

Kendall ices her groin on a distant bench away from the BBQ action
where people mingle and eat. She sees Christy laughing at
something Ben said. Kendall looks at her groin - blue and purple.
She winces. Ben walks over to Kendall and kisses her cheek.

BEN
How you feeling?

KENDALL
Sore. Angry.

BEN
Angry?

KENDALL
Why didn’t you tell me about Christy?

BEN
Never really thought it was important.

KENDALL
Ben, you dated her for five years!
That’s a long time. You should’ve
told me.

BEN
You’re probably right. I’m sorry.

KENDALL
Why didn’t it work out between you two?

BEN
She wanted to settle down, start a
huge family, live near my family...
next door actually.
(MORE)
 76.

BEN (cont'd)
An Everybody Loves Raymond type of
life... no thank you.

KENDALL
Yuck.

BEN
Seriously.
(smiles, then)
To be honest, I just wasn’t ready
for all of that.

KENDALL
Are you still... attracted to her?

Ben lets out a soft laugh.

BEN
No. Gosh, no. The only woman I’m
attracted to robs her husband of
homeruns and ices her crotch.

KENDALL
Sorry for getting you out. You know
I get so competitive. It’s natural
for me.

BEN
You’re one of the rare women
who was born with too much
testosterone. I get it.

Ben kisses her forehead. They stare lovingly at each other.

KENDALL
Ben, I need to tell you something.

BEN
One second, sweetie.

Ben springs up and faces the crowd of people.

BEN (cont’d)
(calls out)
I have an announcement to make!

Everyone at the BBQ stops and listens.

BEN (cont’d)
There has been a stroke of luck that
has come across my way recently.
 77.

MELINDA
There is no such thing as luck,
honey. Only miracles by the hands
of Jesus.

In unison:

EVERYONE
Amen.

Ben nods.

BEN
Yeah. Luck. Miracle. Either way. I
was recently informed by my dad that
Pastor Dave’s schedule has become
available. And... WE SNAGGED THE
DATE! Kendall and I will be getting
married this coming weekend!
Everyone is invited!

APPLAUD and CHEERS. Kendall’s in shock. Melinda looks like

she just saw a ghost. Both in unison:

KENDALL/MELINDA
WHAT?!!

Ben turns to Kendall.

BEN
Isn’t it great, honey?

KENDALL
WHAT?!

BEN
You don’t want to get married?

KENDALL
I do. I do. Why didn’t we talk
about this?

Melinda freaks out.

MELINDA
Why are you getting married NOW?!
You’re not ready! Prepared. Right
for each other!
(turns to Rob)
And you knew about this and didn’t
tell me?!!!

Melinda backhands him in the arm. Rob stops her attack and
holds her arms. She pauses.
 78.

ROB
Melinda! Pastor Dave baptized Ben.
We don't know how much longer he
has left to live. Him being
available is a sign from God that
Ben and Kendall should be together
and get married.

MELINDA
There is no GOD!

OOOHS and AWWS. Melinda starts whacking Rob more and more.

Ben is confused by how shock Kendall looks.

BEN
I thought you’d love this surprise?

KENDALL
What about my spa getaway with the
girls before the wedding? Don’t you
think I should be fully refreshed
and looking my prettiest for the
wedding?

BEN
Honey, you’ll have time during the
week to relax and freshen up. I’m
sure they’ve got a spa in town.

KENDALL
You don’t understand. I need that
spa getaway. WE need the spa
getaway. Our sex life needs it!

Ben crouches down in front of Kendall.

BEN
Kendall, I’ve thought about this
for way too long. When I look at
you, my heart aches and I just want
to wrap you up in a little box and
keep you all for myself. There’s
nobody I want to be with other than
you. I want to grow old with you
and create our family... together.
I love you Kendall. And marrying
you this weekend is one of the most
surest things I’ve ever done in my
life.
(pause)
It would mean the world to me if we
get married by Pastor Dave.
Please... for me?
 79.

She wants to say no, but he has those puppy dog eyes again.

KENDALL
Ok.

BEN
Ok?!

KENDALL
Yes. I will do it.

Ben hugs and kisses her. He’s ecstatic.

BEN
(calls out)
She said YES!

APPLAUDS and CHEERS. Melinda is angry and cries, she blows

her nose into a tissue paper. Christy takes a mean bite into
a stick of celery as she watches Ben hug and twirl Kendall.

INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - NIGHT

Kendall sits on her bed and is on the phone with Pat.

KENDALL
(into phone)
Pat! How are you?!

INT. LOUNGE - DANCE CLUB - CONTINUOUS

Pat sits in a cushy booth with dozens of empty drinks on the

table. She has a full, tall, stiff drink right in front of
her. She sips it from a straw. Loud CLUB MUSIC plays.

PAT
(into phone)
I’m doing good, Kendall. Actually,
not good. No luck with the men
tonight. I tried to nibble on a
guy’s neck.

KENDALL (O.S.)
(through phone)
And? What happened?

PAT
(into phone)
Well, it was sort of a bite instead
of a nibble.
 80.

WE SEE a GUY in pain being rushed out on a stretcher, holding

a cloth to his neck.

PAT (cont’d)
(to guy)
Sorry!

GUY
I’m so gonna sue your ass!

PAT
(angry)
You sue me and I’ll hunt down your
wife and tell her how you were out
scamming on chicks with dicks!

GUY
(mutters)
How did she know I had a wife?

An EMT pushing the stretcher turns to GUY:

EMT
Your wedding ring, you douchebag.
(pause)
I can’t believe that chick had a
dick. I would have made the
mistake... and probably would’ve
enjoyed it.

They push the man out of sight. Pat toys with her drink straw.

PAT
(into phone)
I’m drinking with a straw! Straws
are for pussies!

INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS

Kendall sits on bed, toys with a pillow.

KENDALL
(into phone)
Try to enjoy yourself. How’s Blinky
doing?

INT. LOUNGE - DANCE CLUB - CONTINUOUS

Pat is in mid-chug of her drink.

 81.

PAT
(into phone)
Blinky is...

WE SEE Blinky in her wheelchair in the middle of the club

dance floor. People keep smashing into her wheelchair.

BLINKY
Who wants to grind up on my
V-hole?! My squiggle wiggle slit?!

MAN
Move out of the way, cripp-y.

GIRL
Your wheelchair keeps knocking my
shins!

MAN # 2
(right into her face,
intense)
LEAVE!!!!

A guy pours a drink on Blinky. She lowers her head and rolls
off. Pat talks to Kendall on the phone in the booth.

PAT
(into phone)
She’s dancing. Having a good time.
Looks like she’s wet.

INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS

Kendall sits on bed, toys with a pillow.

KENDALL
(into phone)
Nice! Good for her. I always want
Blinky to be having fun.

PAT (O.S.)
How’s the trip going?

KENDALL
Not good. The worst possible things
keep happening. The mother definitely
has it in for me. Ben’s ex-girlfriend
of 5 years showed up. Christy Licky.
She’s such the complete opposite of
me, but just like Ben’s mother.
(pause)
A bitch.
 82.

PAT (O.S.)
I can call someone and take care of
that priss if you’d like?

KENDALL
No. That’s OK.

PAT (O.S.)
A guy named Bruno. Swift. Clean.
Non-traceable. He gives a great
blowjob. He knits too. Amazing scarves.

KENDALL
It’s cool. But thanks.
(pause)
To make matters worst... Ben moved
up the wedding date!

PAT (O.S.)
What??!! When?

KENDALL
This Sunday!

PAT (O.S.)
Holy fuck turd?! Why?

KENDALL
Some old priest who’s on the verge
of dying became available.

PAT (O.S.)
Fucking pedophiles! Always ruining
everything! What about your penis
surgery?! AKA: The week long “get
away with the girls.”

KENDALL
I know. I don’t know what to do.

PAT (O.S.)
Emergency surgery. You need to find
a doctor who can do it.

KENDALL
Really? There’s not enough time.

PAT (O.S.)
Do the surgery yourself! Here’s what
you do: go to a stationary store,
pick up some scissors, find a gas
station bathroom, lean over the
toilet, snip it off, flush it down.
 83.

KENDALL
Pat... come on.

PAT (O.S.)
Yeah... you might be right. Gas station
bathrooms are a hygienic nightmare.

KENDALL
I can’t believe Ben springs this
news on me. Right after I found out
that he was close to marrying
another girl. I just feel so alone
right now.

PAT (O.S.)
You want us to come over there?

KENDALL
Not now. More family time. But, I
do want you there for the wedding.
I want you by my side.

PAT (O.S.)
Call your brother Steve. He’ll come
out there. You need family.

KENDALL
OK. I gotta go. Love you, Pat.

INT. LOUNGE - DANCE CLUB - CONTINUOUS

Pat slouches in the booth, Blinky fixes up a rope noose with

her army boot shoelace to hang herself with.

PAT
Love you too, Kendall.

KENDALL (O.S.)
Say hi to Blinky for me. I’ll see
you guys at the wedding.

Pat hangs up. She turns to Blinky who now has the noose
wrapped around her neck.

PAT
(casually)
Kendall says hi.

BLINKY
(noose around neck)
Hi, Kendall.
 84.

Pat shakes her head, chugs her drink. Blinky struggles with
the noose.

PAT
Need any help?

BLINKY
I got it. But thanks.

Blinky pulls out a silver bullet vibrator and turns it on.

INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS

Kendall sighs. She flips open her phone and dials.

KENDALL
(into phone)
Steve? Guess what? I’m getting
married... and I need you.
(pause)
When?

MELINDA (O.S.)
(happy)
Kendall! Come up here! We’re
celebrating like wild Indians
before Columbus invaded!

Kendall gulps.

KENDALL
(into phone)
Can you fly out in the next hour?

INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER

Kendall walks in to find Melinda, Christy, Ben, Rob, and Charlie

sitting on the couch laughing and drinking cocktails.

MELINDA
Kendall! My doll!

Melinda gets up and hands her a cocktail.

MELINDA (cont’d)
I’m so sorry for the way I reacted
earlier. You know when a mother
hears her son is getting married -
it makes us act in crazy ways.
(whispers)
Just like a female on her period.
You know how that goes, right?
 85.

KENDALL
(lying)
Sure. Periods. Yuck.

MELINDA
We’re best girlfriends now!

Kendall, hesitant of the kindess, takes the drink glass.

KENDALL
Umm, thanks.

MELINDA
Raise your glasses everyone.
(they do so)
To Kendall and Ben. May they have
the most beautiful marriage, life,
and dozens of gorgeous children.
To never lying, to always being
truthful. To a healthy, honest
marriage.

Kendall eyes grow wide.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Cheers!

EVERYONE
Cheers!

Everyone hugs Ben and Kendall. Melinda pulls Christy closely.

MELINDA
(whispers to Christy)
How was that?

CHRISTY
Perfect.

Ben kisses Kendall. Rob gathers everyone’s attention.

ROB
Alright everyone! Let’s go
celebrate at our favorite authentic
restaurant!

EXT. CHEVY’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT

ESTB. Chevy’s neon blinking sign above the bland building.

 86.

INT. TABLE - CHEVY’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT - SAME

At a big festive table, sits all the Palmer’s, Christy and

Kendall. Rob, Melinda and Christy all sport obnoxious floppy
sombreros. Christy and Melinda have huge blue margaritas in front
of them. Kendall and Rob have beers. Ben sips on wine.

CHRISTY
Put on your sombrero, Kendall.

KENDALL
No thanks.

CHRISTY
I know Ben wants to wear one.

BEN
Uh, it’s really not necessary...

Christy flops one on his head.

BEN (cont’d)
OK.

CHRISTY
Aww, you look so cute.

Christy squeezes his cheeks.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
Reminds me of the time when we had
a little too much tequila in Mexico
and you tried to get the worm out
of my bellybutton.

BEN
(embarrassed)
Oh, yeah. Vaguely remember that.

CHRISTY
Remember? You were convinced it
crawled into my pants! Silly, bean.

Everyone laughs - not Kendall. Ben rubs Kendall’s back,

embarrassed trying to save face. She moves his hand off her.

MELINDA
Kendall, you and Ben gone on any
trips together recently?

KENDALL
I guess the travel bug hasn’t hit
me yet.
 87.

MELINDA
That’s a shame. Ben loves to
travel. Right, Christy?

CHRISTY
He got the TB - FYI TB is short for
travel bug - in high school when we
both went to Europe for a month!

MELINDA
It was a church mission. They went
to Amsterdam to save a lost 18 year
old Catholic girl out of one of
those donkey sex shows. I guess she
lost her way from the Lord and
found a banana instead.
(pause)
What we talking about church for!
Let’s celebrate!

Rob eyes a mariachi band in the restaurant.

ROB
(calls to the band)
Muchachos! Loco Gringo needs some el
musico. We got a wedding to celebrate!

The band walks over. They begin to play a classic mariachi

tune. After a few lines are sung, Rob interrupts --

ROB (cont’d)
No no no! Ricky Martin!

MELINDA
Salina!

CHRISTY
Shakira!

CHARLIE
That bitch is fine.

The mariachi band members look at each other, shrug their

shoulders and begin to play Shakira, “Whenever, Wherever” mariachi
style. The family dances in their chairs. Ben half-smiles, raises
an eyebrow. Kendall rolls her eyes. One the band members does a
shimmy chest shake. The family eats it up. Charlie stands on his
chair and starts shaking his ass. He then pretends to fuck a chick
from behind. Ben and Kendall raise an eyebrow at each other.

The band concludes the song. APPLAUDS from the table.

CHRISTY MELINDA
Bravo! Splendid!
 88.

One of the Spanish band MEMBERS sticks out his hand for a tip.
Rob gives him a fist pound and the explosion noise with his mouth.

BAND MEMBER
(mutters)
Madre maldito bastardo barato.
Vaya mierda de perro!

The band walks away.

ROB
Now that’s music! You like music
like that, Kendall?

Just then, STEVEN approaches the group.

STEVE (O.S.)
Last time I heard Shakira was under
the bleachers at prom. Makes me sweat.
Makes me think of cheerleaders.

MELINDA
Excuse me! Who might you be?

Kendall turns around and sees --

KENDALL
Steve!

She gets up and gives him a hug. Followed by a weird handshake

that involves fist pounds, chest bumps, and tapping each others
crotch area.

KENDALL (cont’d)
How are you, bro?

STEVE
Good, little sis.

Ben stands and shakes Steve’s hand.

BEN
Steve-o! How goes it man!

STEVE
Every day is a good day when you
got this big dick down there. Am I
right or what?! BOOM!!!

KENDALL
Steve. Please.
 89.

STEVE
What? You can’t say dick whenever
you want?! This is a fucking free
country, dick! Dick dick cock balls
dick balls dick hole butt crack
cock dick shit fuck turd balls cock
nuts dick penis lard MSG cock
eating suck balls lizard king cunt!

CHARLIE
Holy shit... my hero.

KENDALL
Are you through, Steve?

STEVE
(thinks, then)
Yes.

KENDALL
Let me introduce you to Ben’s
family. This is Rob - Ben’s father.

Steve and Rob shake each others hand.

KENDALL (cont’d)
Ben’s brother, Charlie.

Charlie puts up his forearm for the Bash Brothers pound.

STEVE
Only if I’m Mark McGwire.

CHARLIE
They both juiced it either way.

They give each other the bash brother pound.

KENDALL
This is Christy. Ben’s... friend.

Kendall turns to Christy.

CHRISTY
(smitten)
Ex-girlfriend. Good to meet you,
Steven.

STEVE
Likewise.

Steve lifts up her hand and kisses it. They both gush.
Kendall turns to Melinda.
 90.

KENDALL
This is Ben’s mother, Melinda.

Steve sticks out his hand to Melinda.

STEVE
Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Palm-

MELINDA
What in the Lord’s name are you
doing here?

STEVE
I heard my little sis is getting
married. Someone has to sit on her
side. Wouldn’t miss that for the world.

Melinda retreats to her Margarita. Steve pulls back his hand.

ROB
Sit! Pull up a chair! Have drinks!

STEVE
One step ahead of you.

Steve swigs from a flask and sits down next to Christy.

CHRISTY
So, what do you do, Steve?

STEVE
I have my own law practice in Los
Angeles.
(pause)
Just kidding fuckers! I’m a rock ‘n
roller. Big balla! Play guitar.
Vocals. Benny boy is my manager.

BEN
Sort of.

CHRISTY
(turned on by Steve)
I’d love a private show sometime.

STEVE
For you, anything.
(whispers)
But if I go down... you go down.
And I don’t mean just my dick. I’m
talking the rusty trombone, toes
and the back of my kneecaps.
 91.

CHRISTY
Kneecaps?

STEVE
What can I say... I’m a freak.

MELINDA
Do you believe in Jesus, Steve?

STEVE
No.

CHRISTY
(whispers into his ear)
Sometimes I too turn a blind eye to
the man...

Christy grabs his thigh and squeezes it. Melinda nudges her.

MELINDA
There couldn’t be a better time to
tell you, Kendall, that we have a
surprise for you.

KENDALL
What kind of surprise?

CHRISTY
A girl surprise. We want to do
something special. We heard about
you wanting to “freshen up.”

MELINDA
In the next few days we want to
have girl time. Doing things girls
do. Golden Girls style!

KENDALL
Sounds sorta cool.

MELINDA
Me, you and Christy. It will be a
blast. The catch is you have to trust
us and allow us to pick the activities.
Starting a family is all about trust.
You do trust us, right?

Ben kisses Kendall.

KENDALL
Um, yes.

MELINDA
Yay! It’ll be just perfect.
 92.

ROB
Cheers to trust!

EVERYONE
Cheers!

Rob looks over at the Mariachi band.

ROB
(calls to band)
Ricky Martin!

The band member flips him off.

INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - NIGHT

Steve and Kendall sit on the edge of the bed.

KENDALL
Thanks for being here.

STEVE
Of course. I wouldn’t miss your
wedding for the world.
(pause)
None of them know, right?

KENDALL
Yeah.

STEVE
Ben?

KENDALL
Uh... no. And you can’t tell anyone!

STEVE
You know, the truth is going to
come out. But, you do what you
gotta do. Your secret has always
been safe with me.

KENDALL
Thanks.

STEVE
You’re right about Melinda - she’s
a real bitch. But that Christy girl
is hot. She totally squeezed my
thigh. I’m gonna sleep with her.
Make her see the devil.
 93.

KENDALL
For her, that’d just be looking
into the mirror.

Steve kisses Kendall on the forehead.

STEVE
Goodnight, sis.

KENDALL
Goodnight.

Steve walks out. Kendall sighs.

Kendall (cont’d)
Girl time. Great.

Kendall flops on the bed.

KENDALL (cont’d)
Let’s hope this goes fast...

Kendall falls asleep.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SPA - MORNING

DAY 1 - GIRL TIME

Kendall, Melinda and Christy all get pedicures.

CHRISTY
Isn’t this nice?

MELINDA
Closest thing to heaven.
(pause)
Excuse me, ladies - I’m going to
the washroom.

Melinda walks away, but gives Christy the nod to make her move.

CHRISTY
You know what heaven is?

KENDALL
What?

CHRISTY
Ben and I had the most amazing sex
on top off a rooftop in New York.
 94.

KENDALL
What??!!

CHRISTY
The things he did with his teeth.
Ah! To die for. He treated me like
I was his Juicy Fruit bubblegum.

KENDALL
Ben never told me this.

CHRISTY
Why would he, silly?

Kendall lays back in shock. Christy throws in some gum and

chomps loudly. She blows on her toes.

EXT. DOG SHOW - PARK - AFTERNOON - DAY 2

DAY 2 - GIRL TIME

Melinda, Christy and Kendall all watch dogs being paraded

around in a competition.

CHRISTY
Look how cute that dog is!

WE SEE dog: not cute at all. Matter of fact, the dog isn’t
even moving! The owner drags the dog around in the circle on
its belly.

KENDALL
Actually, it looks like it might be
dead.

MELINDA
Nonsense! That dog is healthy and
alive.
(pause)
I’m going to get some lemonade.

Melinda trots off.

CHRISTY
Ben used to love it when I barked
on the floor. I was his little chew
toy. He was my bone.

Kendall stares angry at Christy.

 95.

INT. WEDDING SHOP - AFTERNOON - DAY 3

DAY 3 - GIRL TIME

Kendall models wedding dresses for Melinda and Christy.

KENDALL
How’s this one?

MELINDA
Cute. Gorgeous... So not you at
all. Let me go ask the clerk to see
if they have anything special in
back. Something more... tough. In a
brown box... clear the dust off a
vintage doll dress or whatever.

Melinda walks off. Christy stares up and down at Kendall’s body.

Kendall
What?

CHRISTY
Oh, nothing. Just reminds me of the
time Ben and I would play dress-up.
Cops and Robbers was always his
favorite. But I preferred when we
pretended to be husband and wife.
(pause)
I would always give him blowjobs under
the table after a home cooked meal.

Kendall stares down Christy.

INT. CHURCH - AFTERNOON - DAY 4

FINAL DAY - GIRL TIME

Melinda, Christy and Kendall all sit in chairs attending a

Christian service. Melinda is in full prayer mode. Christy
leans over to Kendall.

CHRISTY
(whispers)
I gave Ben a handjob in that
confessional over there.

Kendall eyes the confessional booth.

 96.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
The good thing about doing it in a
confessional is you can apologize
for your sins right after he
ejaculates. Very convenient.

PRIEST stands at the alter.

PRIEST
In God’s name, we say:

EVERYONE
Amen.

CHRISTY
Amen.

Kendall is fuming.

KENDALL
Excuse me, I have to make a phone
call.

Kendall gets up and walks away.

MELINDA
(mutters to Christy)
I think you put the nail in the
coffin, darling.

CHRISTY
(beaming)
I think that chick is down for the
count.

They high-five, then retreat back to full prayer mode.

EXT. PARKING LOT - CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER

Kendall stands in the parking lot on her cell phone.

KENDALL
Hi. Doctor Harris. Yeah, hi. My
name is Kendall Hill. I called
earlier. I need an emergency sex
change operation so I can be ready
for my wedding this weekend.
(pause)
When?
(pause)
Can we do the surgery tomorrow.
(pause)
Too soon?! Recuperation time!
(MORE)
 97.

KENDALL (cont'd)
I can take the pain! What I don’t
have is time!
(pause)
You’re sorry?! You’re not sorry.
I’m the one with a fucking dick
here that needs to be chopped off
asap!
(pause)
What for? For love, you fool! And
so this Christy bitch doesn’t steal
my man or worst I don’t stab her in
the neck!
(pause)
Good luck? Fuck you!

Kendall hangs up.

MELINDA (O.S.)
Business call?

KENDALL
Yeah.

CHRISTY
We should all go see a GYNO!

MELINDA
Yes! I love it when women take the time
out to check on their vaginas! You know
what the Apostle Peter always said: a
healthy vagina means a happy husband!

KENDALL
Look, guys. I gotta pass. I’ve had
an exhausting few days. I need to
go rest and be alone.

All of a sudden, Steve comes out of nowhere.

STEVE
Hey guys, I thought that was you?

KENDALL
What are you doing here?

STEVE
I was over at the music store
across the street. Playing with a
guitar.
(eyes Christy)
Fiddling the nobs.

Christy shifts her body, aroused.

 98.

CHRISTY
You know? Now that I think about
it. Kendall might be right. I think
she should be getting home now.

MELINDA
(mutters angrily)
But, Christy! We need to keep going!

CHRISTY
Nah. I think we’ve had enough fun. I’m
gonna hang with Steven a little bit.
You can give me a ride home, right?

STEVE
Of course.

Christy pulls Steve’s arm.

CHRISTY
Steve, you ever been in a
confessional booth?

Christy and Steve walk towards the church. Melinda and

Kendall glare at each other.

INT. CAR - HIGHWAY

Melinda drives while Kendall stares straight ahead. SEAN

HANNITY BLARES on the radio. The two don’t say a word.

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CHURCH

Christy and Steve fuck like animals inside the booth.

CHRISTY
(out of breath)
Sorry, father.

Christy bounces.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
Sorry, Lord.

She bounces.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
Sorry, Holy Ghost.

Christy bounces really hard.

 99.

CHRISTY (cont’d)
I’m not sorry for that one.

They kiss and fuck.

INT. CAR - HIGHWAY

Melinda drives while Kendall stares straight ahead. BILL

O’REILY BLARES on the radio. The two don’t say a word.

INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CHURCH

Christy and Steve breath heavy, tired, post-sex.

CHRISTY
That was great, Steve.

STEVE
You were amazing, Licky.

Christy grabs his hands.

CHRISTY
Now, I want you to kneel down and
confess everything and anything to
the Lord. All your sins and all
your guilt and all your secrets
that have troubled you in your
life. Confess, Steve.
(whispers)
Confessssss.

Christy grabs his crotch.

STEVE
There has been a lot on my mind
throughout the years.

CHRISTY
Tell it all. The Lord is here to
listen and forgive. Ease your pain,
Steve. Easssseeee it.

Christy strokes Steve’s hair as he kneels to the ground.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME

Melinda and Kendall walk in.

MELINDA
Hey everyone. We’re home.
 100.

Ben walks over to them.

BEN
Well? Is the girl week finally over?

MELINDA
Yes. Yes it. Kendall is officially
relieved from her duties.

Kendall mopes.

MELINDA (cont’d)
What a fun week. We went to a dog
show. Got our toenails done. We did
it all. A perfect girls week.
Right, Kendall?

Kendall mopes back towards the door.

BEN
Where you going, honey?

KENDALL
I have to run to the store.

BEN
You alright?

KENDALL
Never better.

BEN
OK, love.

Kendall takes the keys and head out.

INT. CAR - STREET

Kendall is on the phone.

KENDALL
Pat... I’m desperate.
(pause)
I’m gonna do it.

Kendall hangs up.

INT. COUNTER - HOME & GARDEN STORE - MOMENTS LATER

SLAM! Kendall slaps down big hedge clippers on the counter.

RED NECK behind counter scratches his head.
 101.

RED NECK
Must be some big hedges you got
there.

KENDALL
The biggest.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER

Kendall walks in with the bag holding the clippers. Ben notices.

BEN
Everything alright, honey?

KENDALL
It’ll be peachy real soon.

Kendall heads down to the basement. Ben looks at Melinda confused.

BEN
What did you guys do?

MELINDA
I did nothing!

BEN
You must’ve done something because
she’s acting depressed and sad.

INT. BED - BASEMENT - SECONDS LATER

Kendall, tucks the clippers under the bed, lays on pillows.

BEN (O.S.)
(angry)
You didn’t tell me you went wedding
dress shopping yesterday?!

MELINDA (O.S.)
YES! She needs to wear something
proper for the wedding.

BEN (O.S.)
What about your dress?! I thought
she was gonna wear yours?!!

MELINDA (O.S.)
If you think I’m gonna let THAT
girl wear anything of mine - you
have another thing coming!

(MORE)
 102.

MELINDA (O.S.) (cont'd)

(pause)
She should wear her mother’s dress,
anyway.

BEN (O.S.)
Her parents are dead, Mom!
Remember! I told you! They’ve been
dead for years!

A sadness appears on Kendall’s face.

KENDALL
(mutters)
They’re not dead. They just
disowned me.

MELINDA (O.S.)
Their death is not my problem.

BEN (O.S.)
Unbelievable!

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Ben appears

and sits down on the bed next to Kendall.

BEN (cont’d)
You hear all of that?

KENDALL
Yeah.

BEN
I’m sorry.

KENDALL
How many times did you sleep with
Christy?

BEN
What?

KENDALL
How many times?

BEN
What brought this on?

KENDALL
You should’ve seen her all week.
I didn’t want to bring it up - but
I can’t take it anymore! All she
could go on about is how you fucked
on a rooftop...
 103.

Ben raises an eyebrow.

KENDALL (cont’d)
How you were her bone. And how you
loved playing cops and robbers!
Oh, the confessional! You got a HJ
in a church and then confessed your
sins??!!

BEN
What? HA HA!

KENDALL
Something funny?

BEN
Kendall... Christy is lying to you.
She’s trying to get under your
skin. Christy is a total prude. We
barely ever kissed.

KENDALL
Really?

BEN
You know those mythical chastity
belts that only exist in Medieval
times and Robin Hood Men in Tights?

KENDALL
Yeah...

BEN
Well, they’re REAL.
(pause)
I love you, Kendall. I’m marrying
you. Not her. Not anyone else. I
only want you.

Ben snuggles up to her. Kendall pushes him away.

KENDALL
Ben... I need some alone time to
think.

BEN
Sure.

He kisses her and walks up the stairs. Kendall gets up and

undresses herself. She faces the mirror. She holds up the clippers
in front of her face. She gives it a practice snip a few times.
 104.

KENDALL
OK. This is it, Kendall. There’s no
going back. For love. For Ben...
chop your cock off. It’s for love.

Kendall takes a deep breath and positions the clipper scissors

between her penis. Tension rises and she’s about to snip when:

MELINDA (O.S.)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

BEN (O.S.)
(yells)
Mom?!!

Kendall drops the clippers, throws on some clothes, runs upstairs.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS

Melinda is in complete shock to whatever Christy has just told

her. Ben comes rushing in.

BEN
Mom! What’s wrong?

Kendall walks from the basement. Melinda points at her.

MELINDA
(angry, confused, can’t
breath)
She... She. IS... is...a
Hhhhheeeeee.

Melinda almost falls to the ground, but Ben helps her to a chair.

BEN
(confused)
What? I can’t understand you.
Calm down.

Rob comes walking in with Charlie.

ROB
What’s going on here?

BEN
I don’t know.

CHRISTY
I do!

Steve, sweaty, disheveled, walks in through the door.

 105.

KENDALL
Steve! You alright?

STEVE
I’m sorry, Kendall.

KENDALL
What did you do?

Kendall looks at Christy - they glare at each other.

CHRISTY
It looks like this “girl” has been
hiding a terrible secret from the
world and more importantly from her
future husband, Benjamin.

BEN
What do you mean, Christy?
(looks to--)
Kendall?

CHRISTY
Kendall is... a man.

BEN
What?!!

CHRISTY
Kendall here was born Ken. Matter
of fact, Ken here was a very
successful young boy. All-state
baseball. All-state punter. Prom
King. But poor Ken here longed to
be a woman. Ken loved the lipstick,
the power, the attention, the high-
heels. Isn’t that right, Ken?

KENDALL
That’s not why I did it.

BEN
This isn’t true, right? Good joke
guys. Cut it out now.

CHRISTY
Oh, yeah? Don’t believe me?
Check her pants.

Kendall is sweating, worried. Ben is distraught.

BEN
Is this true?
 106.

Rob walks over to Kendall. Then, suddenly, looks down her pants.
WE SEE: A HUGE PENIS IN HER SHORTS. He jumps back in shock.

ROB
Oh my God!

He looks at everyone.

ROB (cont’d)
(whispers)
It’s a penis.

KENDALL
Ben. I can explain.

BEN
Wait, what?

KENDALL
I wanted to be a woman because I
loved how gorgeous they were. How
beautiful of a creature a woman is.
I didn’t like being a man. I was
unhappy. I felt more comfortable as
a woman. I identified with the
female sex! I felt like a human
being when I became a woman!

BEN
This can’t be happening...

KENDALL
I didn’t want to ruin things
between us. You’re the first man
I’ve ever loved. I didn’t know how
you’d react.

BEN
How am I supposed to react?!!
(pause)
You’re a... man! Wait... I’ve been
getting oral pleasure from a man!?

KENDALL
A woman! Who you love!

BEN
I don’t know anymore, Kendall.
Ken. Whatever your name is.

KENDALL
Ken is dead. I’m a woman.
Not a man.
 107.

BEN
You have a penis!

KENDALL
I was going to get it removed! I
was even so desperate I was
downstairs about to chop off my
dick with hedge clippers.

MELINDA
Oh dear Lord!

KENDALL
That’s how much I love you. What
person would cut off their own
penis for love?

BEAT.

BEN
I-I-I can’t date a... shemale!

KENDALL
DON’T EVER CALL ME THAT!

Melinda stands tall, looks at Kendall and Steve.

MELINDA
I think you two should leave.

KENDALL
Ben?!

BEN
I don’t know. I need time to think
with my family. It might be best if
you go...

Kendall walks toward Ben; rubs his face with her hand. Ben removes
her hand from his face. Steve and Kendall walk out of the house.

CHRISTY
(bitchy)
Ken-Doll. Quite original.

Everyone consoles Ben. He breaks free and retreats to his

room upstairs.

Out the window, Charlie watches Kendall and Steve walk away.

CHARLIE
Shit - I’d still tap that.
 108.

EXT. BENCH - PARK - LATE AFTERNOON

Kendall and Steve sit slouched on a park bench passing a flask.

STEVE
I’m really sorry that I said
anything. Sex with Christy was so
angelic... she’s the devil.

KENDALL
It doesn’t matter. It would’ve came
out eventually. How did I really
think that I could marry a man and
hide that forever from him.
(pause)
I just hated how he reacted. He was
so angry and mean.

STEVE
How would you be if your found out
that the vagina you’ve been
dreaming of was a sausage?

KENDALL
You might be right. Still, I
thought Ben was different. A human
being full of love and acceptance.
I guess I was wrong.

She swigs from the bottle.

STEVE
Look. I don’t know what’s going to
happen. But I know you’ll be okay.
I mean... look at you! You’re a
beautiful woman. You’ve had to deal
with so much to become one. I’m so
proud of you.

KENDALL
But it still hurts to be rejected
by the one you love.

STEVE
(singing)
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure
Love Stinks
Love stinks yeah yeah.

KENDALL
Not now, Steve.
 109.

STEVE
Sorry.

Steve looks down at his crotch.

STEVE (cont’d)
I think that bitch gave me the
CLAP. I even had to pry off this
17th century metal belt with a
wrench just to get to her pussy!

Kendall swigs from the bottle.

KENDALL
Let’s go watch a ball game.

INT. BEDROOM - PALMER HOUSE - NIGHT

On bed, Ben lays staring up at the plastic stars on the ceiling.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Melinda walks in and sits down next to Ben.

MELINDA
You okay, honey?

BEN
Confused. Angry. Lost.

MELINDA
All healthy feelings in a time like this.

BEN
You remember when I was a kid and all
I wanted to do was to grow up and get
married and have dozens of kids?

MELINDA
Like it was yesterday.

BEN
I’m not that kid anymore, mom. I
think you need to realize that. My
goals and priorities have changed.
I’m not even a practicing Christian.

MELINDA
But, honey...

BEN
No. Mom. You don’t understand. My
life has been boring and utter shit
until I met Kendall.
 110.

MELINDA
Ken.

BEN
Kendall. I’ve never felt so alive in
my entire life. Never felt so loved.

MELINDA
But she lied to you. A big lie.
Not a white lie. How can you
forgive someone who has betrayed
you and hurt you so deeply?

BEN
Isn’t that what the Christian faith
is all about? Forgiving? Loving
someone for who they are?

Melinda for the first time seems like a normal loving person.
She sees how much passion is behind Ben’s eyes.

BEN (cont’d)
Mom. I love her. I don’t care what
gender she is or what the bible
says or any of that crap. If I love
a man who looks as good as Kendall -
AND, more importantly, who is the
most loving sweetest person I’ve
ever known - THEN I LOVE MEN. I
love her, Mom. I really really love
her. I don’t want anyone else but
her. Man or Woman.
(pause)
To me... she’s the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen. I don’t care
what you or society says. Love is
not about the penis or vagina...
it’s about the heart.

Ben begins to cry into Melinda’s arms. Melinda strokes his head.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER

Rob, Charlie, and Christy all sit on the couch consoling each
other. Melinda walks down the stairs.

CHRISTY
How’s my love bug doing?

MELINDA
Get out, Christy.
 111.

CHRISTY
What?!

Melinda grabs her by the arm and escorts her to he door.

MELINDA
You heard me! I think it’s time you
leave and start your own life.

CHRISTY
But Mrs. P?

MELINDA
NO. And don’t bother coming in to
work next week. That Grandpa poop
card? Really?! You’re fired!

Melinda throws her out.

CHRISTY
(outside)
You’re greeting cards sucked
anyway! Hallmark wants to buy my
poop card!

MELINDA
Hallmark is for hacks!

Christy walks away angry. Rob consoles Melinda.

ROB
They don’t suck, honey.

MELINDA
Yeah they do. My cards are
utter shit.

Melinda walks to the closet and opens the door.

ROB
Well? Is Ben OK?

MELINDA
He’s a man in love without his
wife. How would you feel?

Melinda grabs a bag out of the closet, heads towards the door.

ROB
Where you going?

MELINDA
Billy Bob’s sports bar.
 112.

Melinda walk out of the house and slams the door.

ROB
That’s the woman I married.

Rob and Charlie fist pound each other. Of course, explosion noise.

INT. COUNTER - BILLY BOB’S SPORTS BAR - NIGHT

Kendall eats peanuts and drinks a beer at the bar counter. A

baseball game is on the TV screen. Melinda approaches from behind.

MELINDA
Kendall!

Kendall turns and throws up her hands.

KENDALL
Ah, fuck! Look! I’m sorry I have a
penis! God gave me a penis! Blame
him! Just please... leave me alone!

MELINDA
I can’t believe I’m saying this,
but I don’t care about THAT.

Melinda sits down next to Kendall. She drapes a black bag

over an empty chair. BARTENDER turns to Melinda.

BARTENDER
Drink?

MELINDA
Martini...

She eyes Kendall’s beer.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Make it a beer.

BARTENDER
What kind?

MELINDA
Whatever she’s having.

KENDALL
Beer?

MELINDA
I dabble.
 113.

KENDALL
What do you want, Melinda? An
apology? I’m sorry I hurt your son.
I really am. You don’t know how
much it pains me to see Ben hurt.

MELINDA
I know you are. That’s why I am here.

Melinda sips her beer - cringes.

MELINDA (cont’d)
How do people drink this non-sugary
dirt liquid?

BEAT.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Look, Kendall. I know we’ve never
been buddy-buddy.

KENDALL
You’re telling me.

MELINDA
And you really should tell someone
you have a ding-a-ling well before
you enter a relationship.

KENDALL
I know.

MELINDA
And I know you are trying really hard
to make me like you. And I’ve been a
royal pain in the you know what. The
point is... I know you love my son.
When I look into your eyes I can see
the passion that burns when you talk
about Ben... the same passion I see
when Ben talks of you. It might take
me a little while to get used to you
being a biological man. But I do know
that I wanna try. Because I love Ben.
And... if Ben loves you. Then I love
you. That’s how it has to work.
(pause)
I’m the one who is sorry. I’ve been
a big bitch and I’ve prevented my
son from being with the woman he
wants to marry.

Kendall is teary eyed.

 114.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Oh, don’t cry. Boys don’t cry.

Kendall lets out a soft laugh.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Here...

Melinda unzips the black bag.

MELINDA (cont’d)
I want you to wear this.

Melinda holds up a beautiful white wedding dress.

KENDALL
Really?

MELINDA
I couldn’t think of any other woman I’d
rather have wear this on the planet.
You are the most beautiful woman I’ve
ever seen. It’d be my honor.

Kendall and Melinda hug. Kendall takes the dress, holds it up.

MELINDA (cont’d)
If you ruin that dress like you did
Black Jesus... I will break your arm.

The two laugh and hug. Melinda gives her the keys.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Now go get your man.

KENDALL
Thanks, Melinda. You don’t know how
much this means to me.

MELINDA
Hush up and just go. Before I
change my mind.

Melinda smiles. Kendall runs off with the dress, speeds off.

MELINDA (cont’d)
Bartender! Extra dry Martini,
please. Throw this...
(re: beer)
...thing, away
 115.

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - PALMER HOME - NIGHT

Ben sits at second base staring off. In the distance, Kendall runs
wearing the white wedding dress.

KENDALL
(calls out)
Ben!

Ben looks closely.

BEN
Kendall?!

Kendall runs gracefully in the beautiful flowing dress.

KENDALL
Bennnnn!

BEN
Kendall!

Ben runs towards home plate where he meets Kendall. They stop,
pause and just stare at each other - uncertain of what to do.

BEN (cont’d)
Kendall, I wanted to say that-

KENDALL
No. I’m sorry. I should’ve told
you. It was selfish of me. I just
wanted you to love me for me. I’m
sorry. I understand if you can’t
forgive me. If you can’t marry a
woman with a dick. I understand.
But I wanted to let you know that I
love you.

Ben looks at her lovingly and rubs her cheek.

BEN
Remember when I said that no matter
what people say or think about you,
if I love you then they will have
to learn to love you too.

KENDALL
Yes.

BEN
Well, I don’t care what people say
about us. Or what people think
about you or me.
(MORE)
 116.

BEN (cont'd)
Or what pogo stick you have
flopping between your sexy thighs.

Kendall cries and lets out a soft laugh.

BEN (cont’d)
I love you. No matter what. You’re
the best thing that’s ever happened
to me. I want to marry you. I’ve
never been so sure of anything in
my entire life.
(pause)
Kendall Hill, will you marry me?

KENDALL
Yess!!!

The two hug and kiss. Kendall picks up Ben, twirls HIM around.

EXT. WEDDING ALTER - PALMER BACKYARD - FEW DAYS LATER

People sit and watch Ben and Kendall at the alter. Blinky (in
wheelchair), Pat and Steve all at her side.

PASTOR DAVE (old, terrible posture) stands in front of them

COUGHING... HARD.

BEN
You OK, Pastor Dave?

PASTOR DAVE
Dying! You ever died before?

BEN
No!

PASTOR DAVE
It sucks! Recommend you not die!

BEN
Good advice.

Pastor Dave finishes his cough attack.

PASTOR DAVE
At this time, I’ll ask you, Ben,
and you, Kendall, to face each
other and take each other’s hands.

Ben and Kendall do so excitedly.

 117.

PASTOR DAVE (cont’d)

Ben, will you take Kendall to be
your wife, your partner in life and
your one true love?

BEN
I do.

Kendall smiles.

PASTOR DAVE
Kendall, will you take Ben to be
your husband, your partner in life
and your one true love?

KENDALL
I do.

PASTOR DAVE
Bye the power vested in me, I now
pronounce Kendall and Ben Palmer...
husband and wife. You may kiss the
bride.

Ben and Kendall kiss. Some people cheer. Some people shield
their eyes. Some even duck under their seats. Charlie stands:

CHARLIE
Let’s get drunk and bang some
bitches!

This gets everyone to CHEER, even Pastor Dave (who “raises the
roof”).

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - PALMER HOME

The field has been converted into a dance floor with buffet tables
around it. People dance. Steve rocks out playing a song with his
band. Charlie smacks an OLD GRANDMA from behind while he dances.

CHARLIE
Yeah, Granny! I graduated! What now?!!

Charlie smacks her butt. Rob and Melinda dance.

ROB
Well honey, I’m proud of you.

MELINDA
I just wanted my son to be happy.

They look over to see Ben and Kendall feeding each other cake.
 118.

ROB
They certainly are.

MELINDA
You know, there’s always adoption
for them. I mean, we all know that
Charlie turned out great.

We see Charlie riding piggyback on Old Grandma. Rob kisses

Melinda and nibbles on her ear. Melinda giggles. Kendall and
Ben kiss. Pat does some weight curls off in the distance.

EXT. PORCH - PALMER HOME - LATER

On the porch, Kendall gears up to throw the flowers to a sea

of hungry, single women.

KENDALL
OK, girls. Ready?

They all jockey for position. Kendall tosses it.

SLOW MOTION:

The flowers are in mid-flight, women trying to catch it.

From NOWHERE, Blinky rides in - bombing down the street on a

skateboard, pushing with her hands and arms, chest on the board.

SLOW MOTION:

She reaches the curb, hits it and flies in the air right
toward the sea of single women! In mid-flight, Blinky snags
the flowers and falls to the ground.

END SLOW MOTION.

Everyone looks at Blinky on the ground, happy and holding the

flowers close to her.

BLINKY
Yesss! I got them!

RANDOM GIRL
She used a skateboard! No fair!

BLINKY
Having no legs is not fair, bitch!

MAN (O.S.)
And I have no arms.

Blink turns to see a dashing, hot MAN... with no arms.

 119.

BLINKY
I can be your arms.

MAN
I can be your legs.

Blinky stares smitten at the Man.

EXT. LIMO - STREET - MOMENTS LATER

Ben and Kendall stand by the limo waving to everyone.

KENDALL
Bye guys! We love you all!

BEN
Thanks for coming!

PASTOR DAVE
Go consummate the thing already!

Ben and Kendall look at each other with worried expressions.

INT. ROOM - HOTEL - LATER

Kendall and Ben, confused, stand at the base of the bed.

BEN
Ummm... I don’t mean to be rude or
anything. But, how do we actually
do this?

KENDALL
Oh, honey. Don’t worry.
(pause)
I’m a big fan of anal.

OVER BLACK:

RIP! Kendall removes her penis duct-tape.

KENDALL (O.S)(cont’d)
Won’t be needing that anymore.

FADE OUT.

THE END