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Written by Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly
Conundrum Entertainment Phone: 310-319-2800 Fax: 310-319-2808 325 Wilshire Blvd Ste 201 Santa Monica, CA 90401
EXT. PARK - SUNNY DAY In a small game of flag football, BEN PALMER stands at the line ready to take a snap at quarterback. Ben is 33, white, sweet, handsome, passive, and often very feminine. Various MEN stand on both offensive and defensive lines. BEN Blue. Forty-two. Sixty-eight. Ready. Set. Hike! Ben takes the snap and drops two steps back. He examines the field, eyeing a receiver. As he gears up to throw -- WHACK! Ben is sacked by a... HOT WOMAN! This is KENDALL HILL (32, hot, smart, brunette, sporty, fun, and... a shemale. Very few know her little secret. AND, yes - she’s a pre-op) Think Eva Mendes or Cameron Diaz, 10 years ago. KENDALL (celebrating) In your face! In your face! Boo-yah! Power sack by the vag! Shock calla!!!! Kendall stays pressed down on Ben, sexual, playful and cute. BEN Good hit, honey. KENDALL Thanks, babe. They kiss. Kendall hops up and a SPORTY MAN high-fives her. MAN You got whipped by your girlfriend, Ben. Check your balls to see if you’ve still got them. She might’ve whacked your dick of your sack! LAUGHTER. BEN Kendall always kicks my ass in sports. She’s just always been a natural. MAN It’s like she’s a dude... but without the dick! The best of both worlds. Man you’re lucky. Kendall grins uncomfortably. OFF HER LOOK WE:
2. “LOVER” MONTAGE AND TITLES: FADE IN MUSIC: “Take A Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed. EXT. GRASSY HILL - Kendall gives Ben a piggyback ride. He slaps her ass. She runs faster. Ben falls off. INT. CAR - Kendall drives while Ben sits passenger seat working on a Sudoko. They smile at each other. EXT. TICKET BOOTH - MOVIE THEATRE - Kendall waves off Ben and pays for the movie tickets. EXT. MOVING MOTORCYCLE - Kendall drives while Ben holds on tightly behind her for dear life. INT. PIZZA PLACE - Kendall eats three slices of pizza. Ben eats a salad. INT. LIVING ROOM - Ben watches ice skating on TV; Kendall changes the channel to a basketball game. They smile. INT. BAR - Kendall and Ben arm wrestle. She defeats Ben easily. INT. LIVING ROOM - Movie “Die Hard” blares on the tube. HARD DEATH is happening. Kendall cheers. Ben hides behind his hands and cringes. INT. RIB PLACE - Kendall messily eats wings. Sauce all over her apron. Ben daintily cuts up his salad. Kendall adds salt to her wings. EXT. DRIVEWAY - Ben and Kendall play a game of H-O-R-S-E. Ben does a layup. Kendall dunks the ball and the hoop falls down. She shrugs her shoulders. Ben scratches his head. INT. LIVING ROOM - Ben neatly folds laundry on the IKEA coffee table. Kendall sleeps on the couch (one hand down her pants, one hand holding the remote control). Football blares the TV screen. INT. BAR - Kendall and Ben arm wrestle. This time, it’s obvious that she lets Ben win. Ben dances so happy and jumps up and down. Kendall yawns. EXT. BOAT - LAKE - WE SEE Ben driving the boat as Kendall wakeboards like a pro. She motions for him to go faster. She does a flip after hitting the wake. INT. RESTAURANT - Kendall chugs a beer; Ben drinks wine. WE SEE 4 empty beer mugs as Kendall finishes her 5th beer. She waves to the Waiter for another.
3. EXT. LAWN - HOME - A sweaty Kendall mows the lawn. She sipes her sweat with her arm. Ben gardens with delight. He squirts his face with a handheld water misting fans. They wave at each other. INT. STAIRS - HOUSE - Kendall carries Ben up the stairs in her arms. They kiss. INT. BEDROOM - HOUSE - MORNING Ben, pants around ankles, lays on his back receiving oral pleasure from Kendall who’s kneeling on the ground. By the way, Kendall is fully clothed. BEN Oh, Kendall. Oh. OH! (then, singing as he cums) YAYYYYY! Kendall jumps on the bed next to him and cuddles. BEN (cont’d) Wow. I know I’ve told you this a million times, but... you seriously give the best oral pleasure on the planet. My penis tingles every time your mouth touches it like Pop Rocks. KENDALL A lady takes pride in her BJ skills. Ben kisses her forehead. She motions for him to kiss her lips. Reluctantly (due to cum)... Ben does so. Thank you. KENDALL (cont’d)
BEN I can’t wait for our wedding so we can finally “crystallized Christ through consummation.” KENDALL I hate that expression. BEN Sorry (pause) Intercourse. Kendall laughs.
4. KENDALL Man, you really didn’t get laid often, huh honey. BEN Hey! I grew up in a rigid, Christian family. Wasting sperm is like killing millions of baby Jesus’s. KENDALL But I mean, surely, you at least played the ol’ hanky panky growing up? BEN Of course not. KENDALL You din’t even choke the weasel? BEN Well, my mother always said that “fleshly lusts are Satan’s fro-yo bar”. Kendall laughs like a horny school girl. KENDALL So... no sex? BEN Well... I just feel sex is that much better with the one you love. You know? Passionate, sweet, tender love making... KENDALL You make it sound like you’re glazing a ham. BEN ...kissing, thrusting, cuddle and sleep. KENDALL Oh no. You’re not gonna cry on me after we do the deed, are you? BEN If I cry, it will only be because I finally got to see you naked. Let’s face it, your breasts are great. I mean spectacular. I love fondling them... gently. (MORE)
5. BEN (cont'd) It’s usually the highlight of my week behind thumbing through the latest edition of Home & Garden. But, I want to see all... (reaching for her crotch) ... of you. Kendall springs up, barely avoiding the crotch grab. BEN (cont’d) Where you going? KENDALL I gotta meet the girls at the gym. BEN (mocking) Oh that’s right. You gotta work out. It’s not like Ms. Kendall isn’t already the fittest woman in the WORLD! KENDALL Hey! This sexy body doesn’t come from nowhere! You’ll appreciate my heavy workout regiment when we’re married. Most wives turn fat and lazy. Then again, there’s something very appealing about Bon Bons and QVC... BEN You should workout. They smile at each other. Kendall heads to the bathroom. BEN (cont’d) You need a ride? KENDALL Sure. Just gimme a sec. Kendall ENTERS -INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Kendall looks at herself in the mirror. BEN (O.S.) Aren’t you excited for Mandar’s grad? Who? KENDALL
6. BEN (O.S.) My adopted brother? KENDALL Oh yeah, of course! Of course. I forgot Charlie’s real name is Mandar. BEN (O.S.) What a strange group of people he stems from. It’s amazing how far he has progressed since we pulled that poor slum dog boy from Dharavi. You know... Slumdog Millionaire haunts his dreams. But he’s strangely fond of Regis. He says, and I quote, “That mofo is the real deal piz-imp.” (pause) You excited to go? KENDALL (hesitant) Umm. Yeah. Sure. It should be really... nice, I guess. Kendall examines a black hair stubble on her upper lip. Ben busts into the bathroom; she quickly stops examining. BEN Nice? That’s it? KENDALL What do you want me to say? BEN (puppy dog eyes) I don’t know. Something more... enthusiastic? More... comforting? KENDALL About Mandar’s graduation? The kid is graduating high school. How wet do you want me to get? BEN I’m not just talking about that. I’m talking about seeing my family. Getting to know them better. You know... it won’t be much longer ‘til we’re man and wife. You’ll be a part of the Palmer clan. Kendall looks at him nervously. Ben nudges up to her lovingly.
7. KENDALL I’m really excited to see your family... OUR family. And to get married. But it’s still 6 months away. BEN (under his breath) Sooner. What? Nothing. BEAT. KENDALL Let’s just try to not get all over anxious about any of this. Let’s take things slow. 6 months will come up sooner than we can think. BEN You’re telling me. KENDALL But, when we finally do get married, it’s going to be the most perfect day of our entire fucking lives. BEN And we’ll finally have sex? KENDALL God! You’re ridiculous. She slams the door on him - he blocks it off with his foot. Kendall?? BEN KENDALL BEN
KENDALL (giggling) Yes, we will finally have sex together. Kendall and Ben passionately kiss. She escorts him out, slaps his ass. She closes the door and locks it. She looks at the mirror and shaves off the stray stubble from her upper lip. Then, she lifts up the toilet seat, slides her panties to her ankles, and -- RIP!
8. She RIPS off the duct tape that keeps her penis tight on her leg. She begins to pee standing up. She misses, hits the toilet seat. Whoops. Kendall (cont’d)
She shrugs, walks away. She forget to flush toilet and leaves the piss on seat like a man. Kendall (cont’d) I’ll just blame that on Ben. She sprays on some AXE Musk deodorant. EXT. VESPA - STREET - MORNING Ben (flannel, jeans) drives his Vespa with Kendall (sexy NIKE workout gear) holding him loosely from behind. Ben has his helmet on; Kendall’s helmet dangles from her fingers as she lets the wild wind blow through her hair. EXT. FITNESS CENTER - MORNING - MOMENTS LATER Ben and Kendall pull up to the front. She hops off. KENDALL Thanks for the lift, babe. Kendall kisses Ben on the cheek; he gushes under his helmet. HONK HONK! -- A car HONKS behind Ben. BEN (to car) Just one second. (then, to Kendall) So, I made dinner plans tonight at Canele. KENDALL Awww... how sweet. But French joints are usually so stingy with portions. You know I’m all about the portions. How you going to... satisfy my hunger? Kendall grabs his dick; he coughs. BEN (flushed) OK... dessert?
Kendall releases his dick. Ben composes himself. BEN It’ll be really nice to have one last romantic din before the week “vacation” with my parents. Plus we’ll get to see Mandar graduate from high school! KENDALL Mandar, right. The foreign exchange student your mother loves to feel good about. God you’re so excited about this graduation. It’s so gay. HONK! HONK! A FAT GUY in car yells: FAT GUY HEY! Asshole! Move the FUCK OUT OF THE WAY! BEN (to Fat Guy) Just one more secKENDALL Hey, FAT ASS! Shut your fucking mouth before I shove that dick of yours so far up your ass you’ll be donating bastard sperm babies out of your lard shitting hole! Fat Guy shuts up. FAT GUY (mutters) What does that even mean? Kendall looks at Ben lovingly. BEN I could’ve taken care of that guy. I know. KENDALL
BEN I’m the man. I’m supposed to stand up to fat assholes, not you.
10. FAT GUY YOU’RE THE ASSHOLE! Kendall shoots Fat Guy a death glare; she raises her fist. FAT GUY (cont’d) (sincere) Sorry. Sorry. We cool. Like a switch, Kendall turns back to Ben lovingly. KENDALL I know, baby. You’re my strong man. My knight and shiny... whatever. I’ll see you tonight after work, my love. Kendall kisses him and runs off. Kendall (cont’d) (pedalling backwards) Bye, cupcake! BEN Bye, strawberry. FAT GUY You gonna have your women pick all your battles, dick wad! BEN Yeah. Yeah. Ben zooms off - out of sight. Fat Guy pulls his car forward - SMACK! Kendall ran back and fucking socked him in the face. The dude passes out, his head lands on the steering wheel, and the HORN won’t stop blaring. KENDALL That’s for messing with my man. INT. FITNESS CENTER - AFTERNOON Kendall struts her stuff past the iron pumping MEATHEADS and the homosexual medicine ball GUYS. Everyone stops their workout regiment, taking a second to glance at Kendall’s gorgeous ass. FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD and a SKINNY GYM DUDE confide to each other. FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD Shit! That Kendall bitch is so hot.
11. SKINNY GYM DUDE Oh, yeah. Bury my face in that ass. MMMbbbrrrr. ZOOM IN: KENDALL’S FINE ASS. FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD (O.S.) God, what I’d pay to get with her. SKINNY GYM DUDE (O.S.) I’d murder my wife for her. FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD (O.S.) Shit! I’d even put my kids up for adoption where that Oliver Twist fag lived. (mocking, British accent) Please, sir, can I have some more crap. Yeah, sure... right after I sodomize Kendall Fucking Hill. Go steal me some wallets, orphans! Fagins gotta eat! SKINNY GYM DUDE (O.S.) Eat your peas, kid. Eat your peas. Gym MEMBERS ramble on, horny and mesmerized, at Kendall’s hotness. SKINNY GYM DUDE (cont’d) To be honest, I’d even go down on her. No man goes down on a woman. It’s like a rule or something. But, for Kendall Hill, I’d fucking do it all. Lick her ass. Feet. Armpits. Toes. Clip her toenails. (pause) Eat ‘em. Anything. Shit! I’d even munch on her balls, if she had some. Which she doesn’t, but I’m just saying. (pause, then) You know, I’m not queer or anything. FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD I’m not queer either and I’d slurp her balls too. WE SEE Kendall’S SEXY LEGS. SKINNY GYM DUDE Look at her walk, man! FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD It’s like she’s got the hips of a hot supermodel and the strut power of a fucking linebacker.
12. SKINNY GYM DUDE Touchdowns and Titties. Best of both worlds, man. They high five. As Kendall reaches a door marked “Pilates”, she whips around and all the guys pretend they weren’t just starring at her. ZIP! -- One GUY zips up his pants. GUY 1 (O.S.) Ah, man! I was so close to finishing! Kendall eyes everyone down. KENDALL For the record, boys. I play linebacker, not quarterback. Grabbing sacks is hotter than throwing balls. (pause) Oh, and I love me a man who goes down, but I’d take flowers and a cold beer over a slurpy, inexperienced muff dive any day of the week. (pause) And thank you. I do have a spectacular ass. Kendall smiles and enters the pilates room. FAT WORKOUT MEATHEAD She would so start on the Chicago Bears. SKINNY COWORKER Poor Aaron Rodgers. EXT. COFFEE SHOP - SIMULTANEOUS Ben pulls up on his Vespa. Checks his phone. NEW TEXT FROM DAD: “It’s a go with the Pastor! Call U L8R.” Waiting for him is STEVE, at a table sandwiched between HIPSTERS with crazy hate. He swigs from a flask. Steve is 35, crazy, eccentric, rock ‘n roll wannabee. Kendall and Steve grew up as brothers, but he knew of her female tendencies at an early age and accepted them. Thinks of Kendall as a sister, not a brother.
13. BEN (fist-bumping Steve) Hey, buddy! STEVE Hey dude. How goes it? BEN Good, good. Dropped Kendall off at the gym. Pilates? STEVE
BEN You know it! She’s obsessed with that shit. Couple hours a day at least. STEVE Yeah you shoulda seen him-her as a kid. She practically had super bulimia. Locked in the bathroom for all hours, puking her poor little guts out. BLAH! BLAH! BOOM! Skinny. BEN Awwww, poor baby. STEVE Well, whatever works. That’s what I say. My motto. Whatever Works. That’s my MA-TOE! BEN Does that apply to anything? Yep. STEVE
BEN So if I liked the taste of cat food and wanted to eat it everyday it would be fine because of your MA-TOE, “whatever works”? STEVE No. Dude. Gross. Doesn’t apply. BEAT. BEN Anyway, I’m glad Kendall is healthy and in good shape.
14. STEVE You know what else is in great shape! (pause) Pow! Ka-chingaling! Passes Ben a music demo disc (a cat with a gun is on the cover). BEN New album’s done?! STEVE You know it! BEN (loudly) You go girl! Hipster chicks glance over, indifferent, go back to coffee. BEN (cont’d) This a solo effort or with the whole band? STEVE Solo. Fuck those guys. I need to express my artistic vision. Unleash my inner freak. BEN I see you did that with the murderous cat... STEVE (serious) That’s a peace cat, dude. BEAT. BEN You should come out to Arizona with us. STEVE Arizona... as in... East? BEN Yes, Steve. Arizona is East of Los Angeles. STEVE Ugh! No thanks. I moved to the promised land to avoid the desert people.
15. BEN LA’s a desert, dude. STEVE No it’s not. You see any fucking cactus? You see a giant tortoise walking around? Shaking hands with people? Wearing top hats? Running for mayor?! Kissing babies and shit and eating cheese?! Huh?! You see any of that shit, Ben?! NO! BEN There’s some roaches. STEVE Doesn’t count. BEN You think it’s too early to be drinking? STEVE Is that a serious question? No. BEAT. STEVE Sorry, dude, I took a long hard thought... count me out on the Zona trip. BEN Oh come on man. Kendall could use the support. You know she doesn’t get along too well with my folks. Maybe having her ol’ bro with her will help her out. STEVE (yawning purposefully and obnoxiously) Desert people dude, desert people. Maybe if I wanna enter into a polygamous marriage with a few 13 year-olds, I’ll consider it. BEN You’re thinking of Mormons... and Roman Polanski. BEN
16. STEVE Whatver man, not happening. A WAITRESS brings over two cups of fancy coffee in French-style mugs. Steve checks the mugs - wrong order. STEVE (cont’d) Excuse me, miss? She’s already gone. BEN Don’t even try, dude. STEVE (shouting) Miss?! Waitress?! Nothing. STEVE (cont’d) (REALLY loud) Failed actress?! This is not what I ordered! Excuse me? WAITRESS
STEVE (standing up) You have to nerve to say “excuse me” in that tone? Ohh... how DARE you. BEN (embarrassed) Alright Steve, let’s go. We gotta hit up the jeweler. Steve knocks people’s coffee cups off the table. STEVE Coffee is really important to me. BEN I see that. Take your meds dude. Alright. STEVE
Steve pops some pills. Ben pulls him out. The hipster chicks sort of look up, quickly go back to their own thing.
17. BEN (to Waitress) Sorry. INT. JEWELRY STORE Ben and Steve wait for service at the store. STEVE I can’t believe I’m here with you. You’re my manager. You’re supposed to come with me to shit like this. NOT the other way around. An OLD LADY sees them and smiles. BEN You’re here because you’re my friend of 11 years and because Kendall is your sister. STEVE And that makes me know about her taste in wedding rings... how? SALES WOMAN comes over to help. SALES WOMAN (clearing throat) I’m sorry, am I interrupting something? BEN Uhh, no, no. Not at all. I’m here to pick up the(leaning in, whispering) - engagement ring. SALES WOMAN Yes, sir, of course. (whispers to Ben) If you want to keep it a secret, why did you bring your partner? BEN What? Uh.. He’s not my... STEVE We’re not gay. SALES WOMAN OK, OK. Let me grab it. Who’s name is it under?
18. BEN Mine. It’s under Palmer. SALES WOMAN (smiling) Good, sir. The Old Lady approaches them. OLD LADY You two make such a handsome couple. STEVE Thank you ma’am. How very kind of you. Steve grabs Ben’s ass. BEN OK! Enough. Steve doesn’t let go. He digs his fingers in his ass. OLD LADY Oh my... (then, turned-on) Go on... please. Ben shakes his head and marches out. INT. FITNESS CENTER - AFTERNOON Kendall bench presses an insane amount of weight. Male MEATHEADS gawk in awe at her small sexy body pushing all that weight. Her best friend, PATRICIA, spots the weight for her. PAT is 34, a social worker, has a strong manly body because she too is a shemale; not sexy like Kendall. WE SEE a huge bulge in Pat’s spandex covered crotch. PAT (intense) Twenty four! One more Kendall! Kendall pushes hard. PAT (cont’d) Push it. Push it. Work it! (Kendall reaches top of press) There. Good work, grrrl. Kendall wipes her face with a towel, stays seated on bench.
19. KENDALL Thanks, Pat. Still can’t beat your press of three hundred pounds. WE SEE the huge bulge in Pat’s spandex pants near Kendall’s face. PAT No one can beat this bulge. Pat kisses her biceps. KENDALL (to O.S.) Oh, hey Blinky. BLINKY (35, female, ex-military, she has no legs, uses a wheelchair and is seriously depressed. Think Rachel Dratch). She wheels up to Kendall and Pat. BLINKY (mopes) Hey guys. They shoot her a “what the fuck” look -BLINKY (cont’d) I mean... ladies. KENDALL How’s it going? BLINKY Good. (pause, then) Not good. Don’t have legs. PAT And you haven’t had legs for the past three years. BLINKY I’m just having one of those “no legs” sorta day. KENDALL We all have those. Kendall pats her on the back. PAT So, Kendall, you excited about the long week at your family-in-laws?
20. KENDALL Eh... not really. Ben’s mom doesn’t like me. I think she feels threatened. PAT Is it because you kick ass at being a man AND a woman? Tranny Power! Pat high-fives herself. KENDALL Ben’s family is pretty Christian. It’s fair to say I’m not their type. But the dad loves me. He loves my thighs. Tells me that. PAT That’s sweet and perverted. BLINKY I can’t imagine what they’d do if they found out about your BOINGA-BOINGA. KENDALL You’re telling me. PAT Well, at least you’ll finally have the sex change operation over with before the wedding in six months. KENDALL I know! I’m so excited to get it snipped off! I can’t wait to have that fleshy patch vag down there. How does it feel to have a va-jay-jay, Blinky? BLINKY Dry. Cold. Pink. Empty... and lonely. Oh, and sometimes I forget to trim it and I swear I’ve seen creatures crawling around. Ewww. PAT/KENDALL
KENDALL Well, I think my vagina might feel a little differently. At least much cleaner. You know... I’ll finally feel like a full woman.
21. BLINKY And... you’ll have a husband who loves you. That’s more than I have. (mopes) I don’t even have legs. PAT Blinky, you’re really bringing me down with your no legs crap. (to Kendall) I still can’t believe you’ve never told Ben about your past. It’s sorta just... wrong. KENDALL I was going to tell him early on. But, when things became romantic, I didn’t want to ruin the best thing in my life. To be honest, I wasn’t even going to get a sex change before I met Ben. (whispers) I’m a big fan of anal. Me too. PAT/BLINKY
KENDALL But, I love him and if getting rid of my man stick will keep things the way they are then... goodbye purple headed yogurt slinger, hello fleshy clam. PAT You’re chopping your cock off out of love? Yes. KENDALL
BLINKY Awwwww, that’s so romantic. Pat shakes her head. PAT I’m telling you, penis or not, you still can’t get rid of the past. And the guilt of not telling Ben will wear on you.
22. KENDALL What do you suggest I do? Tell WASP-y Christian Ben that I’m a man and throw away the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my entire life? PAT Yes! Well, not the last part. You know, when I first became Patricia, I told my first love, Barry Jenkins, that I was a man after only two weeks of dating. Felt good to get it off my pre-tit job chest. KENDALL How’d he take it? PAT He punched me in the face, Abe Lincoln-ed me, stole a hundred bucks from my wallet, married a blonde bitch, has three kids... lives in Idaho. Thinks he sells furniture or something. Maybe tupperware. Not too sure. Ohh, wait. That’s right. He’s called the Idaho Tupperware King. (sighs) He was sweet. Kendall and Blinky shoot each other a “WOW” look. PAT (cont’d) All I’m saying is, if Ben loves you, he won’t care if you were a man in your past life. Remember what Rupaul told us: Love is stronger than ball and shaft. That’s Tranny Psych 101. Kendall lays back down. KENDALL I’ll think about it. Spot me for another set of twenty-five. Blinky wheels off, spotting a treadmill. BLINKY I’m going to run on the treadmill. (pause) Oh, wait - I have no legs. Blinky hops on the moving treadmill. SLIP! CRASH! She flies off.
23. BLINKY (cont’d) (on ground) Don’t worry! I’ll walk it off. Blinky moans. EXT. BEN’S GARDEN OF HEAVEN - MORNING ESTB. A nice, clean looking floral business building. WE SEE SIGN: Ben’s Garden of Heaven - You’re Welcome! INT. GARDEN - PALMER’S FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS - MORNING Ben smells a pink rose in the garden. He sprays water on it. BEN (to himself) Nothing smells more satisfying than roses in the morning. Behind the counter, HELGA (old lady, senile, employee) calls out: HELGA Ben, your father’s on the phone. Ben dashes to the phone. Helga toys with a rose petal. BEN (phone) Hey dad. Yep! Gearing up for the week with the Palmer’s. Yeah. Should be great. (pause, then) I’m a little nervous. Kendall has no clue that we’re moving up the wedding date. Helga picks the petals off a rose. Ben wants her to stop. BEN (cont’d) (phone) I know! Moving up the date is a brilliant idea! And Pastor Dave will get to conduct the wedding like he does for all Palmer weddings! (pause) It’ll be a nice, small, intimate wedding in our own backyard. I think it’s a great idea, thanks to you.
24. Helga keeps picking at the rose. Ben slaps her hand away. BEN (cont’d) (phone) Yeah... she is amazing. (rolling eyes) Yes, dad... sexy. (shocked) YES! Of course we’ve waited to have intercourse. (pause, rolls eyes) Fleshly lusts are Satan’s fro-yo bar. Yes, I remember. (pause) OK. See you tomorrow. Bye, dad. Ben hangs up. He picks up a brown covered lily from the counter. BEN (cont’d) Helga! How many times have I told you not to wipe your poo poo butt with the lilies? With a mouthful of roses, Helga smiles. HELGA (mouthful) Feels good on my anus. INT. CANELE FRENCH RESTAURANT - NIGHT Ben and Kendall eat a nice romantic dinner; a candle light flickers in the BG. KENDALL This buttery beef bourguignon is to die for! Here... try it. Kendall forks her dinner and puts it in Ben’s face. He swallows. BEN (mouthful) Yum. Good. Buttery. Salty. Feel myself getting fat. Getting bloated. Ben slyly spits the food into his napkin. He forks his plate. BEN (cont’d) Try some of this vegetarian mushroom with parsley and hint of lemon zest! He offers to Kendall.
Ben shrugs and eats it; pure bliss to only Ben. BEN So, I’m excited about this coming week! A little R & R, little wine, little sun, little fun... Maybe a surprise. It’ll be really nice. Don’t you think? KENDALL (unsure) Uh... yeah, sorta. Kendall shifts, becomes closed off. Ben knows that look. BEN What’s wrong baby? KENDALL Nothing nothing. I don’t want to talk about it. BEN You can tell me. You don’t have to be so strong and hold your emotions in all the time. Anything you have to say, you can say to me. (wide-eyed in love) I’m going to be your husband. Ben smiles assuring. Kendall relaxes. KENDALL OK. Promise you can’t repeat this to anyone. OK. Promise?! Promise. BEN KENDALL BEN
KENDALL Don’t get me wrong. family. Your dad is sweet... though, he my ass a little too
I love your a doll. Really does stare at long.
26. BEN I gotta tell him to stop doing that. KENDALL BUT.. your mother. I’m positive she hates me. BEN She doesn’t hate you. KENDALL (stern) Ben, did you see that Christmas card she sent us? BEN Yeah? What about it? KENDALL (reiterating card) I hope you have a lovely, joyous Christmas day, son. I love you. Your life is too precious and valuable to waste... on gutters or tramps. Parentheses - Oh, hi Kendall. Love. Mom. BEN Yeah she has a very dry wit. Good joke. KENDALL
BEN Aww, sweetie. She loves you! She has to love you because I love you. That’s how it works. Ben rubs her hand, and continues to console her while OFF AT ANOTHER TABLE, TWO BROTHERS (12, 14) watch the action. BROTHER # 1 (re: Ben and Kendall) Dude, check it. They’re going to fuck right here in this piece of shit fancy restaurant. BROTHER # 2 Oh my god. They’re literally going to be making beef bourguignon... with their genitals! WE SEE Ben rubs her arm sensually.
27. BROTHER # 1 Bro, that chick is so hot. BROTHER # 2 You’re telling me. I’d even go down on her. It’s like a code that a man can’t go down on a woman. That’s what dad told me. But for that chick, I’ll do it all. BROTHER # 1 Unleash the inner freak, brother. Whip it. Whip it good. Ben whispers something into Kendall’s ear: BEN No matter what anyone says about you... if they want to stay close to me, they must learn to love you. Kendall gushes, Ben nibbles on her ear, she’s so aroused. BROTHER # 2 It’s so on. BROTHER # 1 Roger that. Over and Out. Captain, we haveRIP! Kendall’s arousal has RIPPED the penis tape off! Through her hot dress, we see a huge boner bulge! The brothers see it: BROTHER # 2 (confused) - lift off? The brothers look at each other, shocked, grossed out: AHHHHHHH! BROTHER # 1 BROTHER # 2 AHHHHHHHHHH!
The brothers get up, start puking on the floor. BROTHER # 1 (puking) Oh my God! BROTHER # 2 For the love of chicks! They continue to puke. Everyone looks at them.
28. BEN Must’ve been the food they ate. BROTHER # 2 (to Ben, mid-puke) You’re sick, man... (eyeing both Kendall and Ben) MEN! They continue to puke. BEN (to Kendall) Oh no. Now, I’m feeling a little queesy. Kendall struggles to tame her boner. KENDALL Don’t worry, Ben. You’re gonna be fine. BEN (nauseous) No! You know how I getPUKE! Ben pukes. Kendall tosses him her napkin, he cleans himself up. BEN (cont’d) Come on honey, let’s go. The sight of puke is just gonna get me more sick. KENDALL (stalling) Ummm... sure. OK, honey. Ben stands up to leave. Kendall, still aroused, sits still. He extends his hand towards her. Kendall? BEN
KENDALL Uhhh, hold on... just a second. Closes her eyes, squeezes tightly, trying to make erection go away. KENDALL (cont’d) (whispers to self) Think of Tony La Russa. Tony La Russa. La Russa. LaRuuu-
29. Boner goes down. She takes his hand. KENDALL (cont’d) Sorry about that. Lady parts were flaring up. (smiling) OK! let’s blow this joint! They walk out. BEN What was that La Russa thing all about? KENDALL Oh. Umm, I’m a big fan of the Cardinals. EXT. DRIVEWAY - HOUSE - MORNING - NEXT DAY Kendall and Ben load-up their PRIUS CAR for the trip. Kendall tosses a NIKE sports bag in the back of the trunk. Ben struggles to carry three huge cases of luggage. He tries to make them all fit, stuffs them in the back of the trunk; they stick out. KENDALL Why do you have to bring so much? BEN You know I can’t pack. I got to have everything with me. I need options on what to wear everyday. Ben attempts to close the door - no dice. Kendall steps back, takes two linebacker shoulder hits, slams the door. CLOSED. KENDALL There. Done. Kendall grabs the keys from Ben. KENDALL (cont’d) You drive to slow. I’m driving. Kendall skips off, climbs in car. Ben half-smiles, shakes his head and enters the car, passenger side. BEN (in car) A week with the Palmers in Arizona. Here we go! Kendall sighs, starts up the car. She backs out the driveway fast.
30. BEN (O.S.) (cont’d) Honey, you wanna slow down? Kendall speeds off down the street. INT. CAR - HIGHWAY - LATER Ben flips through Home & Garden magazine while classical music plays on the radio. Kendall flips the radio station channel: 80’s Hair Metal blares as Kendall rocks out. Ben puts in his rubber ear plugs. They smile as they are left to their own devices. INT. CAR - HIGHWAY - LATER While driving, Kendall rips a bite into a stick of beef jerky. Ben neatly cracks some pistachios and places them into his mouth. He nibbles on a plum. EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - GAS STATION Kendall casually reaches for the MENS BATHROOM door, Ben redirects her to the WOMENS BATHROOM. She smiles and goes in the WOMENS BATHROOM. Ben shakes his head and laughs. INT. CAR - HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON Ben is curled up asleep while Kendall trucks on and drives. She glances over at him and smiles. She pulls a blanket up to cover his shoulders. WE SEE A SIGN: “WELCOME TO ARIZONA” INT. DRIVEWAY - PALMER’S HOME - LATE AFTERNOON Ben and Kendall walk up the driveway, bags in hand, towards the pearly white, massive two-story Palmer home. KENDALL (mutters) I’m nervous. BEN Don’t be. Everything will be just fine. Just then, a bird poops on Kendall’s shoulder - she doesn’t notice. They reach the front door, ring the doorbell, which is the high-pitched song, “Hosanna In The Highest”.
31. KENDALL Wow. Really? BEN My mom loves the Lord in all facets of her life. The door opens and standing there is MELINDA and ROB PALMER. ROB/MELINDA (gushing) Oh... HI!!! Rob and Melinda both hug Ben at the same time. ROB PALMER is 55, white, stalky, sweet, nice, but also has the sporty toughness attributes of an ex-jock. He still works high-up at a big Insurance company. MELINDA PALMER is 53, white, blonde, cares very much about appearance, wears the pants, gives the impression she is sweet but deep inside she wants the Palmers to be the best at any cost. Rob releases from his hug and goes to Kendall. ROB Oh, my little sweet Kendall bug! Hey, Rob. KENDALL
Rob squeezes Kendall tightly and rubs her back... his hand goes dangerously close to her ass. Kendall is a little startled. Melinda still holds onto Ben tightly. MELINDA My little, Ben. You eating okay? Yes, mom. BEN
MELINDA You been exercising enough? Yes. BEN
MELINDA Outdoors? The only way to exercise is under God’s sunshine. You know that, right? Yes, mom. BEN
32. MELINDA Good. Good. Good. So good to see you. Come inside. She ushers Ben inside, purposely forgetting about Kendall. Rob is still holding her tightly. Ben motions toward Kendall. Mom? BEN
MELINDA What, honey? BEN (whispers) Kendall. Melinda rolls her eyes and walks towards her. MELINDA Hi, Kendall. Ben prys Rob off Kendall. Rob is smiling (and has a huge boner). KENDALL Hi, Melinda. How are you doing? MELINDA Great. Well... (smiles at Ben) I was doing great. (turns back to Kendall) But, it’s so good to see you! She puts on a fake smile and hugs her awkwardly taking careful attention to keep her distance in the hug. Kendall shoots Ben a “I told you so” look. ROB Come on everyone! You must be exhausted from the drive. Melinda prepared ice tea and pastries in the backyard. Rob and Melinda walk into the house. KENDALL (whispers to Ben) Did you see that hug? It’s like she believes she can catch Satan or cancer by hugging me.
33. BEN Don’t be so dramatic. She’s just protective of her baby. Ben kisses Kendall on the cheek. MELINDA Oh, Kendall, honey... you have bird poo poo on your shoulder. Melinda grins. Kendall eyes the poop. Ah. Gross. KENDALL
Kendall wipes it off and shakes her head. BEN You see? That means she cares for you. Ben jets off into the house. Kendall sighs and follows in. EXT. PATIO - BACKYARD - PALMER HOME - SUNSET Kendall and Ben lounge side by side in tiny white folding chairs. Across from them, Rob and Melinda sip on ice tea sitting in raised chairs that seem to be fit for a King. Behind them is a large, vast area of land that the Palmers own. ROB So, Benny - what do you think of the new place? BEN It’s nice. Big. But nice. I still miss home back in Santa Barbara. We had such a beautiful garden there. But... I like it here. It’s really... peaceful. Don’t you think, Kendall? KENDALL (lying) Yeah... It’s nice. Big. Sorta boring for my taste. Too much land, not enough action. I like the big city action. HA! MELINDA
(mutters to self) Hussy.
34. KENDALL But I think it suits you guys well. MELINDA It’s hardly boring. Warm weather, nature, and no Hispanic neighbors to bug you with barking Taco Bell dogs and filthy yard sales. (she grabs Rob’s hand) This here is 10 acres of pure heavenly, Palmer bliss. Did you see the baseball field your father built? Ben and Kendall turn around to see a baseball field off in the distance. Wow. Why? BEN
ROB You know, son, I just kept hearing a voice, “If you build it - he will come.” MELINDA He was watching Field of Dreams non-stop every night for a month. I was hesitant about letting him build the darn thing at first. Seemed crazy. But... I changed my mind when I started to hear it too! (whispers) If you build it HE will come. (she glances at Rob) We both knew who HE was. Jesus. ROB/MELINDA
Rob and Melinda smile at each other. KENDALL Jesus told you to build a baseball field? MELINDA He did. I don’t know why, but he did. Ben raises his eyebrow at Kendall. BEN Does Charlie and his friends at least play on it?
35. ROB Nope. He actually wanted to build a skate park over it. A punk Indian kid, who even knew that they even existed?! At least he’s clean. BEN Does anyone play on it? ROB Me, Jesus and the guys from work. We have a weekly softball game. MELINDA With Jesus behind his swing - Babe Ruth can shove it. KENDALL Jesus plays? ROB Well... our gardener, Jesus. MELINDA Pronounced Hey-Zeus. Funny name, isn’t it? ROB We play tomorrow. You guys should play! KENDALL Oh! If you know anything about me, Rob... I’m so playing. ROB Yes! I call Kendall on my team! Melinda sips from her drink, quietly upset. ROB (cont’d) What about you Ben? You in? BEN I’m not a baseball kinda guy. I like to keep my soft hands sans calluses. I’ll make treats with mom on the sideline. KENDALL No way is my hubby gonna be the man that bakes treats while everyone is out having fun. He’ll play.
36. MELINDA Kendall. He said he wanted to make treats with me. KENDALL (mutters) And you Christians wonder why your kids turn out gay... BEN Baseball? Really? ROB (playfully) Why are you marrying my flower loving, baking cooking, non-sport junkie son, Kendall? KENDALL You got me there, sir. Kendall and Rob laugh. Rob leans in for a fist pound with Kendall. Confused at first, Kendall gives him a fist pound. Rob makes an awkward, sloppy explosion noise with his mouth. BEN ALRIGHT! I’ll play. Kendall ruffles Ben’s hair. Melinda sits quietly steaming. Ben takes close notice at how high Melinda’s and Rob’s chairs are. BEN (cont’d) Why are those chairs so high? ROB The air is better up here. Helps me breath. MELINDA After your father had the heart attack we made sure to take extra precaution with making our lives a much healthier one. Raising chairs. Eating only 3 pounds of red meat a day. Walks to the corner market instead of driving. BEN Isn’t the corner market a block away. Melinda offers everyone a platter full of:
37. MELINDA Raspberry scone? ROB Don’t mind if I do. (grabs one) Thanks, mom. He kisses her on forehead. MELINDA They’re delicious. Rob chomps his down. ROB Oh man oh man they are! He lets out a huge HOWL. Ben takes one. BEN Oh my gosh! These look so good! They smell just like the ones you used to make when we were kids! You still using the same recipe, Mom? MELINDA (ultra perky) Well yes, of course. (then) Except, now the recipe is a little thing I like to call, “Starbucks”. But I had to drive and pick them up. Pretty much the same thing as baking. It is? KENDALL
MELINDA (mad) Yes, Kendall, it is! You need to brush up on the married life handbook of recipes. Melinda smiles and chuckles to herself. KENDALL Sorry no can do. Got the iPhone App instead. Busts out phone, looks up recipes.
38. KENDALL (cont’d) To make raspberry scones from scratch, use 2 cups of flower... Melinda frowns. Kendall glares at Melinda. Ben fakes a laugh. Tense. Everyone reverts to sipping their ice tea. ROB So, Kendall. How’s work going? KENDALL Good. Cleaning up the world. One vagina at a time. BEN How’s the Cunnicream testing? KENDALL Good. I think it may really be helping some of my patients. MELINDA What’s Cunnicream? KENDALL Makes your vagina smell better. MELINDA That sounds like the work of the Evil Brother. KENDALL (sotto Ben) Evil Brother? BEN (sotto Kendall) Satan. KENDALL Actually, Cunnicream is making 82.7% of my patients happier, healthier, and more faith-filled and joyous. Makes them feel alive again, down there. Beautiful - like they were 20 years younger. I can get you some if you like? MELINDA HA! No thanks. I’m more than happy with my... odors. Rob shakes his head - he’s not ok with her odors.
39. ROB Well, sounds like work is going good, Kendall. Real real good. Rob eyes her sexy legs. Kendall notices and covers up. Melinda saw it all - glares at Kendall. MELINDA (to Ben) How is your garden of heaven doing, love? BEN Business is a little slow, but this season of flowers might be the finest most exquisite bunch I’ve seen yet. Really blooming. Colors are so vibrant. It almost brings me to tears every time I smell them. MELINDA You’re such a sensitive, loving man. Giving flowers to the frowning faces of the world. (shoots glare at Kendall) Now that’s work a mother can be proud of. CRASH! WE SEE CHARLIE falling on the ground after attempting a skateboard trick. Charlie is 17, Ben's adopted Indian brother, birth name Mandar. He was born in the slums on India and was adopted at 4 so he's a full-on member of the family. He adopted the American youth culture and has taken it to an extreme. He’s also a very horny teenager. MELINDA (cont’d) You okay, Charlie? Charlie pops to his feet. CHARLIE Fine, mom. Busted a nut but I got rocks made of steel. STEEL RODS, YO! Steely Dan! MELINDA (to Ben) He’s such a cute-y pie. So inventive with the English language. I never know what he means.
40. ROB Charlie! Come over here and say hello to your future Aunt. Charlie jogs over. CHARLIE What’s up pops?! ROB Charlie - this is Kendall. CHARLIE What up, honey? ROB No... it’s Kendall. CHARLIE I know what I said. Charlie clenches his fist, sticks out his forearm. KENDALL Bash Brothers. Cool. Kendall stands, gives Charlie the Bash Brothers forearm pound. CHARLIE Benny - this here is a cool chick. KENDALL Charlie, can I ask you something? CHARLIE Anything, mama. KENDALL Why did you change your name from Mandar to Charlie? CHARLIE Is that even a question? Pshh! Mandar was a real lame name. Meant tree of heaven. More like dumbass in heaven sitting in a tree! Am I right or what, bitches! I like Charlie now. Sorta sexy and sophisticated. You now might think that I smoke a pipe and read a book - which I don’t. Or you might think I tap the backside of a nice round mound twenty-four/seven. (MORE)
41. CHARLIE (cont'd) The name Charlie really gets the ladies going. I even gave myself a nickname. Pussy Smacker. (whispers to Kendall) I bet you know what that means. MELINDA (interjects) Okay! Good. Thanks, Charlie. You can go now. CHARLIE We doing din din soon, mama? MELINDA Oh, yes. We’ve been preparing a meal all day! Come along, Ben! Melinda escorts Ben by his arm. Rob turns to Kendall. ROB (sincere) You know, you think you can send me some of that Cunnicream? Melinda might come around. Kendall smiles. KENDALL No problem... Dad. Rob smiles and side hugs Kendall. Melinda scowls. INT. DINNER TABLE - KITCHEN - PALMER HOME - NIGHT WE SEE a huge Lobster, a mound of fried chicken, a glazed ham, and various side dishes on a pristine brown mahogany table. It’s a beautiful feast. Oddly, two Jesus statues, an African American Jesus and White Jesus, stand in the middle of the table. Ben and Kendall sit in awe at the food at one side of the table while Rob, Melinda and Charlie sit on the other side. BEN Mom, this looks amazing! MELINDA Thank you, honey. KENDALL (surprised) You cooked all of this?
42. ROB Well, we boughtMelinda kicks Rob under the table. MELINDA Yes, Kendall. I cooked all of it. Don’t be so surprised. I am a woman of many talents. KENDALL Apparently. Kendall turns her head and spots a KFC box sticking out of the garbage. She smiles. Melinda glares. CHARLIE I’m so hungry I’d eat poonnany right now. Kendall? KENDALL I don’t think so. CHARLIE (grinning) Yeah. I know that’s code word for: you want some. Kendall reaches in to grab a piece of chicken - Melinda slaps her hand away. MELINDA We need to say grace first. Ben kisses Kendall’s hand. Melinda clears her throat and everyone grabs each others hand. Kendall reluctantly does so. MELINDA (cont’d) The graduating guest of honor... Charlie, will you lead us in grace? Everyone closes their eyes. CHARLIE Yo God, you the man for putting this bread on this brown wood table that used to be a living tree. We sit here thinking about our life, salivating, dying to eat this food, thinking about busting a cap into someone if I don’t get a nibble of this fried goodness a-sap. (MORE)
43. CHARLIE (cont'd) But we must give praise to you - even though we have no clue where you are, or if you exist... but if my mama says you exist than you exist. Melinda nods her head - the Lord is speaking through her. CHARLIE (cont’d) Plus, I don’t wanna get smacked. Mom’s got a bitchin’ back-hand. Rob nods in full agreement. Kendall tries not to laugh. CHARLIE (cont’d) We thank you for your heavenly goodness, for my pops healthy ticking time bomb, and for my bro dawg Ben. Also, we thank you for love, peace and putting fine senoritas on this planet. There’s mostly white chicks in Arizona. Wish there was more senoritas out here - but I can roll either way. White chicks love the Smacker. Maybe I’ll bust down to Tijuana for a weekend God to get the Spanish thirst out of me. Get all crazy. Thank you Lord for Tijuana. Thank you. KENDALL (whispers sotto to Ben) I don’t think he understands the concept of prayer. Shhhh. MELINDA
Melinda glares at Kendall. Melinda closes her eyes, enters back into the state of serenity. CHARLIE Oh, and lastly, I like to give a shout out to my special honeys: Jasmine, Kelly, Boom-quesha. All disciples of my Jesus stick. Oh, and my new girl, which I will surely tap if Ben doesn’t... Kendall. She fine. In the Lord, God, that Virgin Mary chick... Amen. Amen. BEN/MELINDA/ROB
44. Everyone opens their eyes - Charlie flickers his tongue at Kendall; she rolls her eyes. MELINDA Let’s eat. That was lovely, Charlie. ROB Your comment about God and the backhand was spot on. Rob rubs his head in remembrance of when he received one. Everyone begins filling their plates with food. BEN (unsure) Yeah... real good, Charlie. KENDALL Interesting. All over the place. Creative thinker. I liked it. CHARLIE Yesss! I’m so gonna get some! MELINDA Yes you are gonna get some of the Lord’s goodness in you. I’m just so proud at how far you’ve come, Charlie. A little ratty slumdog boy in India to such a fine, outstanding member of society. You’re all grown up now. I’m just so proud of you. ROB We are all so proud of you. CHARLIE Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Cool. Charlie is busy texting. WE SEE TEXT: “Luv UR Milky Thunder Thighs. Pogo later?” BEN Yeah, Charlie. Congratulations on graduating high school. Congrats. KENDALL
BEN What are you gonna do next? CHARLIE Well, I’m thinking about-
45. MELINDA Charlie here is going to junior college. Then he’s gonna transfer to a four year university. Maybe Berkley. Then it’s off to grad school to become a doctor. BEN Wow. Impressive. CHARLIE Well, actually, I was thinking about getting my AA in computer graphics and then picking up a sweet gig in the video game industry. KENDALL Now that sounds awesome. MELINDA We talked about this, Charlie. You are going to become a doctor. (looks at Rob) Tell him, honey? ROB Well... dear. I think it’s important that Charlie does what he wants to do with his life. Melinda shoots him a glare. ROB (cont’d) (scared) But I do think Charlie should consider all options - including the doctor route. Melinda smiles - she got her way. KENDALL Well, I think Charlie should do what he wants to do. It’s his life. You only go around once, you know. (she looks at Charlie) Charlie, the video game industry is all the rave now-a-days. You can make a successful living doing that. Very fulfilling creatively as well. CHARLIE Thanks. Ben, where did you find this chick? She’s perfect.
46. BEN You don’t have to tell me, brother. Ben and Kendall eye each other - smitten. Melinda is upset. MELINDA I think Charlie’s mother would know what’s best for him, Kendall. But thanks for your input. I forgot, do you have kids? No. KENDALL
MELINDA OK. So... maybe this isn’t your element. KENDALL I’m just saying he should choose what he wants to do with his life. That’s all. Noted. MELINDA
Everyone eats in silence for a few seconds. ROB Listen up, Palmer family. Tomorrow will be super fun. We got a bunch of stuff for us to do tomorrow as one big happy family! We’ll conclude the day with a softball game and BBQ! Isn’t that awesome?! MELINDA/KENDALL (not pleased) Great. Silence. BEN Can you pass the mash potatoes, dear? Both Kendall and Melinda grab the bowl. They tug on it. I got it. MELINDA
KENDALL He’s closer to me. It’s really okay, Melinda. I got it.
47. MELINDA It’s no big deal. I can pass him it. KENDALL I think I can handle it. They tug on the bowl. MELINDA He said dear. He was obviously talking to me. KENDALL I’m positive the dear was referring to me. Melinda and Kendall tug on it. I got it! Kendall (cont’d)
MELINDA I think I know what he wants! KENDALL I think I KNOW what he wants! The two tug on it until - Kendall pulls too hard and it flies from both their grip - breaking the head off of the Black Jesus statue. SPLAT! Head lands in the mash potato bowl. Jesus! MELINDA
KENDALL Oh no. I’m so sorry. CHARLIE You totally decaped Black Jesus! (pause, then) Awesome! MELINDA You see what you did?! BEN She didn’t mean to, mom. MELINDA Do you have a thing against black people? What?! No! KENDALL
48. ROB Honey, you both were tugging on it. You are both to blame for Black Jesus losing his head. MELINDA Shut up, Rob! Black Jesus never loses his head or cool! BEN Mom, calm down. We still have White Jesus. MELINDA I’m so upset right now. That black Jesus was passed down from my mother. It’s been in our family for generations. It’s my way of showing tolerance to people’s views on the physical appearance of Jesus! Even though I am one hundred percent sure Jesus is white. Like way more than positive-put my life on it sure. KENDALL You show tolerance by having a black Jesus statue? MELINDA Yes! And now you ruined that! BEN We can glue the head back on. MELINDA No! It’s ruined. I... I... I’m gonna go lay down. Melinda gets up. BEN Mom. Come on. It’s too late. Melinda has gone upstairs. Tense at the table. ROB Don’t worry. I’ll go talk to her. Ben and Kendall look at each other concerned. Charlie takes a glob of the mash potatoes, slops it on his plate: the Black Jesus head smack dab in the middle of it. He examines, then: Kanye? CHARLIE
49. INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - PALMER HOME - NIGHT Kendall shaves her face with a razor. She’s wearing sexy lingerie. KENDALL (to Ben O.S.) I can’t believe I chopped off Black Jesus’s head. INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Ben neatly makes the bed. BEN (to Kendall is bathroom) Don’t worry about it, love. You both are to blame for that. INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Kendall finishes shaving her face. KENDALL I was obviously closest to the bowl and closest to you. It was clearly my task - not hers. Who has both a black and white Jesus statue anyway? INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Ben slips on some checkered pajama pants. BEN My mother can be confusing sometimes. But her faith has always been important to her. Got her through some tough times. Her own mother was very over-bearing. INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Kendall wipes her face, begins to pee in the toilet standing up. KENDALL I told you she hates me. INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Ben fluffs a pillow.
50. BEN She doesn’t hate you. She’s just trying to get to know you. She’s worried about me. Maybe she worries a little too much. She just wants to make sure the woman I’m marrying is the right one. INT. BATHROOM - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Kendall pulls up her pants and lets out a fart. KENDALL She’s a little nuts, if you ask me. INT. BEDROOM - PALMER ROOM - CONTINUOUS Ben lays on the bed. BEN Hey! That’s my mother you’re talking about. Come on. Kendall exits the bathroom, cuddles up next to him on the bed. KENDALL I’m sorry, baby. It’s just hard when a person is making it extremely difficult to get along with. BEN I know. I’m sorry she can be that way. Just try to understand where she’s coming from. KENDALL I will try. BEN Try try try to get along with her. KENDALL Can’t promise anything. BEN Please just try. Ben’s puppy dog face. Kendall caves in. KENDALL Alright. I will try.
51. Kendall french kisses him. The two begin to make-out. BEN (during kissing) Thank you. KENDALL (kissing) That dear was for me, right? They keep kissing - hot and sexy. BEN (kissing) Of course. She smiles and kisses. BEN (cont’d) (kissing) Who knew that dear would lead to decap-ing Black Jesus. KENDALL (kissing) I couldn’t have him see us making out. It’d be a sin. A naughty, sexy(tonguing his tongue, then whispers) -sin. Kendall grabs his crotch. Ben is in heaven. All Of a sudden, Rob comes into the room. Kendall and Ben jump back startled. BEN Oh... hey, dad. ROB Hey you two. What you doing? BEN Talking. Playing cards. Rob looks around. ROB Where are the cards? BEN Umm... umm... KENDALL In our head.
52. Rob smiles - he knows they’re full of shit. ROB That’s what they’re calling foreplay these days. Playing cards? I got it. Your mother and I used to call it hanky-panky. Hide the canned sausage in the meat packing district. Let me just say... you think a cat can purr? You should hear your mother when I nibble on her tit. BEN Dad! Too much info. Oh. ROB
(pause) Anyway, I talked to your mother and she’s calmed down quite a bit. She’s practically over the Jesus thing. She thinks it might’ve been God’s way of telling us that Jesus is most certainly white. So, I think we’re good. Thank god. KENDALL
ROB God, indeed, works in mysterious ways. (pause) But, there is something she wants Kendall to do. What? BEN
ROB She doesn’t feel comfortable with the two of you sleeping in the same bed before marriage. She wants you to sleep in the basement. KENDALL For the night? ROB For the week. KENDALL What? Really?
53. ROB I’m afraid so. BEN I think you should just do it. Ben? KENDALL
BEN Remember what I said, “Try try to get along”. It’s important to me that you and my mother work this out. KENDALL (rolls her eyes) Fine. ROB Perfect! Thank you. Rob eyes Kendall’s sexy legs. Ben notices. Dad! BEN
ROB Oh. Right. Sorry. Goodnight. Night. BEN/KENDALL
Rob exits. Kendall turns to Ben. KENDALL The basement? BEN It’s not that bad, love. KENDALL Do I have to? BEN Stay on her good side. Fine. Thank you. KENDALL BEN
Ben and Kendall kiss. She picks up a pillow, blanket and exits.
54. INT. STAIRS - BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER Kendall makes her way down the steps of the cold, dark basement. KENDALL This is just great. She reaches the bottom. AHHHH!! Kendall (cont’d)
WE SEE a giant stuffed Bear standing right in front of her. ROB (O.S.) You alright down there? Rob makes his way down the steps. He CLAPS - the lights go on. KENDALL Yeah! Scared by the bear. ROB Oh, Lucy. Yep. Killed that thing with my bare hands. Tough fight but I conquered it, as you can see. Rob grins at Kendall. ROB (cont’d) Let me move that. Rob moves the bear to a corner and covers it with a sheet. ROB (cont’d) (pointing at bed) Mattress. Sheets. Pillow. All here. You need anything else? I’m good. KENDALL
ROB Goodnight, daughter. Rob kisses her on the cheek and exits. Kendall feels comforted. She runs to her bed and jumps on it. POOF! A little cloud of dust springs up - she coughs. KENDALL This is gonna be a long week. Kendall crawls under the covers. She CLAPS - lights turn off.
55. INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - MORNING Kendall sleeps soundly under the covers. MORNING!!! MELINDA (O.S.)
She springs up startled and drowsy. KENDALL What! What’s going on?!!! Melinda, wide-eyed, hovers two inches from Kendall’s face. MELINDA Just getting an early start on the day. Get dressed. I made breakfast. (pause) And yes... I made this one. KENDALL (confused by her sincerity) Okay... Melinda leaves the room. Kendall rubs her eyes. She opens them to see that the blanket covering the bear has been removed. The bear stares at her - fangs eager to eat. Kendall (cont’d) (to bear) Go ahead. Eat me. You’d be doing me a favor, Smokey. She stares at the bear and sighs. INT. KITCHEN - PALMER HOME - MORNING Rob, Ben and Charlie sit at the table picking at their eggs, grossed out by the meal. Melinda sits content as she sips coffee from her big mug labeled, “World’s Best Mother”. Kendall walks up from the basement, steps into the kitchen. BEN Morning, honey. Morning. KENDALL
ROB You sleep alright?
56. KENDALL No bears got me... (glances at Melinda) ... well, not yet. MELINDA I made you a special breakfast plate, Kendall. Kendall sits down at the table and eyes the plate: burnt yellow eggs, floppy soggy toast, and a few little burnt sausages. Everyone looks at her - they are all disgusted by the meal. Kendall springs to action. KENDALL Stop being babies, guys. The trick is combining the elements to turn crap into something amazing. Rob, hot sauce. Ben, pepper. Charlie, you stay put, don’t know where those hands have been. CHARLIE (sniffs his finger) That’s probably a good idea. Rob hands her the hot sauce, Ben hands her the pepper. Kendall starts putting both all over the eggs and toast. MELINDA That’s really not necessary. It’s simple and great. I made it. KENDALL It just needs a little kick. Kendall flops the eggs on the toast, crams the sausage on top. Takes a bite. Kendall (cont’d) (mouthful) Now that’s breakfast. Rob, Charlie and Ben do the same process. Rob takes a bite. ROB Now this is living! Charlie takes a mean bite. CHARLIE This is better than vodka.
ROB After all these years of crap breakfast... I now know what to do?! Where were you 30 years ago, Kendall? They all devour their breakfast, smiley faces smothered with hot sauce while Melinda’s face hides behind her mug steaming pissed off inside. Kendall smiles at her. MELINDA (sarcastic) Isn’t this going to be a fun day. FADE IN MONTAGE AND HAPPY MUSIC: EXT. MAIN STREET - DOWNTOWN - MORNING The Palmer’s walk along the street. Melinda points at an old vintage store. The family is hesitant. Kendall eyes a hip, sexy store across the street. The family is excited; they head to the store. Melinda rolls her eyes, but goes along with it. INT. HIP STORE - MOMENTS LATER Melinda holds up the stuffiest collared shirt in the store in front of Rob. He’s not happy. Kendall comes around the corner and hands him a cool shirt that looks young and sharp on him. He loves it. Melinda fumes. Charlie tries on a slick, cool hat. Kendall comes around and hands him a cane to go with it. He loves it and pantomimes jacking off with the cane. Ben stares at tiny blue jean shorts. Kendall shakes her head, lights them on fire and hands him a cool pair of boating shorts. He likes them and the two make out. Melinda watches the scene with disgust. Rob sports his new shirt. Melinda whacks him on the head. INT. RUNWAY - HIP STORE - MOMENTS LATER Rob, Ben, Charlie and Melinda all sit down at the end of the runway in the store. Kendall comes out strutting her stuff: - a hot dress; a little Bo-Peep outfit; a bikini; a summer dress with hot Lolita glasses.
58. All the guys gawk, cheer while Melinda stands back scoffing. INT. TABLE - FANCY RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON Bored, the family eats lunch. Melinda is having sipping her ice tea. Kendall spots a basketball the bar. She points it out to the guys. Melinda The family pleads, begs for Melinda to let them INT. BAR - FANCY RESTAURANT - SECONDS LATER Rob, Ben, Charlie and Kendall watch the game on TV, drinking pints of beers and cheering. Melinda drinks a big fruity cocktail at the bar. A gross, bearded drunk MAN next to her starts rubbing up on her. She pushes him off and order the Bartender for another drink. Rob and Ben high-five at the game. Charlie picks up Kendall, she motions for him to put her down. Ben kisses Kendall’s cheek. Charlie sneaks in a kiss. Melinda fumes. EXT. MAIN STREET - DOWNTOWN - AFTERNOON The family walks on the street. Mom points at a sign that reads, “Future Doctor’s of the World: Seminar - FREE”. She makes Charlie look at it. She wants the family to go in. Charlie rolls his eyes. Kendall points to a store across the street, the sign reads: VIDEO GAMES ‘TIL YOUR EYES BLEED. Charlie gets excited and runs to the store. The family follows. Melinda is so pissed off. INT. VIDEO GAME STORE - MOMENTS LATER Charlie and Kendall have a dance off on the “Dance Dance Revolution” game. Ben plays pinball. Rob plays a hunt/shoot game. At the Whac-A-Mole Game, Melinda is whacking the shit out of every mole that dares to pop up from the hole. She is so pissed she whacks one straight out of it’s hole! It goes flying towards the front window and breaks it. Melinda eyes the broken window in shock. a nice time game going on in shakes her head. go watch the game.
59. EXT. VIDEO GAME STORE - MOMENTS LATER Rob pays the angry store MANAGER money for the broken window. Everyone, but Melinda, laughs. INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - AFTERNOON Rob, Ben, and Charlie all sit on the couch and watch football on TV in the living room. Melinda sets down a tray of assorted veggies. The family cringes at the store bought veggies. Then, Kendall plops down the biggest, awesomest plate of nachos right next to the veggies. The boys dig in. Kendall hands Rob and Ben two fresh beers. Rob fist pounds her and this time both making sloppy, explosion noises. She hands Charlie a juice box. He sucks from the straw seductively; chokes, but recovers. Kendall kisses Ben on the forehead, walks to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Melinda takes a mean bite into a carrot. A menacing look appears on her face as Kendall washes the dishes in the sink. END MONTAGE AND HAPPY MUSIC. INT. BASEBALL FIELD - PALMER HOME - AFTERNOON Various MEN from Rob’s work toss the softball around. Their wives and kids hang out at park benches near the field talking, drinking, eating. Charlie chats it up with a young GIRL on a bench. CHARLIE So... how old are you? 16. GIRL
CHARLIE Nice. I’m 17. You know... 16 is the new 21 in India. Huh? Nevermind. GIRL CHARLIE
60. GIRL Are you an Indian with a feather or a dot? CHARLIE What do you like? Feather. GIRL
CHARLIE I’m a feather. Charlie slides his arm around her. In the outfield grass, Ben tosses a softball back and forth with Kendall. She’s wearing sexy high shorts, high pin-stripe socks, black paint under her eyes, and her hair is in pig tails under her red cap. Damn she looks sporty cute! KENDALL Isn’t this field awesome?! BEN Yeah. I guess. Seems excessive. KENDALL No way. You’re dad’s such a kid at heart and exercise is good for him. We’re building one when we get married. BEN Only if we can have the biggest garden in all of LA county? KENDALL Hmmm.... Deal. Rob tosses a ball with a MALE co-worker. ROB Just win, Kendall. KENDALL All the way! Kendall throws the ball hard and Ben struggles to catch it. Sorry. KENDALL (cont’d)
Ben throws it back and it goes way over her head.
61. Kendall (cont’d) I’ll get it. Kendall runs after it. All the guys stop and watch her run after the ball in awe. So sexy - so hot. Melinda and two WOMEN friends on the side of the field chat as they watch Kendall run. WOMAN 1 Kendall seems very nice. Strong, yet sweet. Really attractive too. WOMAN 2 Though something does feel a little odd about her. WE SEE Kendall itching her groin as she picks up the ball. WOMAN 1 What are you talking about? She’s a gorgeous woman. And yet, she plays sports and hangs with the guys like a total... dude. ZIP! OFF SCREEN, A GUY zips down his pants: WOMAN 2 Put your dick away, Bill! Sorry. BILL (O.S.)
WE SEE Kendall chuck the ball to Ben from a far distance on a line. All the guys CLAP and HOLLER at her. ROB Nice arm, Kendall! Melinda confides with her friends. MELINDA (sinister, to Women) She’s got something wrong with her alright. And I don’t like it at all. (pause) Excuse me, ladies. I will be right back. Melinda jets off and into the house. ON FIELD, Rob gathers the troops.
62. ROB Alright guys. Let’s get this game started! KENDALL (yells) Play ball! EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - FIELD - MOMENTS LATER Everyone stands in their positions. Kendall is the lone girl on both squads. She is playing shortstop. Rob is the pitcher. ROB Alright. Batter up! A MAN steps in at the plate. Kendall pounds her fist in the mit. KENDALL (chanting) Hey, batter batter. Suck it batter batter. Suck it big, batter batter. Suck it long! Rob pitches it and the Man hits it right to Kendall. She fields it cleanly and guns it to first. ROB He’s out! Nice gun, Kendall. KENDALL Thanks, pops. The next BATTER steps in. ROB (mocking) Easy out! KENDALL Batter’s got a fat ass! Fatty pants!! Lose some weight! Or get bigger pants! Sweatpants! Batter, unsure, turns to the Catcher. BATTER Do you think I’m fat? CATCHER turns to him. CATCHER Yeah. You kinda are.
63. BATTER (dejected) Damn. Maybe I’ll do that lap-band crap I keep seeing everywhere. (singing) Let your new life begin call 1-800- GET-THIN!!! ROB Strike one for the singing. Rob pitches the ball and Batter hits it up the middle. It looks like a base hit - but Kendall dives for it, snags it in mid-air. ROB (cont’d) Out TWO! Oh, yeah! Way to lay out! Kendall is pumped as she runs back to position. She leaves the dirt on her clothes. ROB (cont’d) Next victim! Ben walks to the plate. KENDALL Easy one! Outfield move in! She waves the outfield players to move in. More! Kendall (cont’d)
The outfielders keep running in. More! Kendall (cont’d)
They move in, practically into the infield. Ben stands dejected. Kendall (cont’d) Perfect! Give my honey buns the high heater, Rob! ROB You got it! Rob pitches and Ben swings - MISS. KENDALL Big whiffer! Ben stands back looking glum. Rob pitches it and Ben swings, misses and falls to the ground. Kendall laughs.
64. Kendall (cont’d) Almost got that one! The object is to hit the ball, babe! Not land on your ass! BEN (snaps back) I know how to play! KENDALL Alright... let’s see it then. SLOW MOTION: Ben steps back in the box - more determined. He grinds in. Rob pitches it and Ben swings... HE CRUSHES IT! He’s shocked as he begins to run the bases. The ball is in mid-flight heading for the back wall for a homer. The CENTERFIELDER is stunned that Ben even hit it - he gets a late jump and runs after it. There’s no way he is going to get it. All of a sudden, WE SEE Kendall running by the Centerfielder (SLOW MOTION). She sprints all out like a gazelle - beautiful strong, lean, fast and elegant. She gets to the wall, jumps up and catches the ball - robbing a homerun! END SLOW MOTION. Everyone CHEERS! ROB Awesome! Good rob! Alright, Kendall! Ben stands stunned at second base. Kendall runs in. Rob and her teammates greet her with high fives and chest bumps. Kendall jogs over to Ben at second base, who stands dejected. KENDALL Good hit babe. BEN Yeah. Yeah. KENDALL You’re running with the tiger. You should know that I catch all white objects flying towards my face. Kendall snuggles up to him, plants a big wet kiss. He feels better. She slaps his ass, runs back towards her teammates.
65. TEAMMATE 1 (to Rob) She’s like a much hotter Willy Mays... and not dying either. ROB Special lady we are dealing with here, boys. One very special, unique lady. They stand and watch her run towards them. ZIP! BILL!!! WOMAN 2 (O.S.)
INT. KITCHEN - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS Melinda is on the phone. MELINDA Hi, Christy! I’m doing good. How are you doing, sweetie? (pause) That’s great. The Lord has indeed blessed us with tremendous weather. (pause) God’s sunshine makes the depression rain... wash away. (then) Listen - I need you to do me a favor. Guess what? Ben’s in town! (pause) I know I’m excited too! (pause) Good Lord, keep those panties on, my love. Look, I need you to come over and help out with cooking and stuff. (pause) Now. Perfect. OK. See you soon, hun. Bye bye. Melinda grins with delight. EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - FIELD - MOMENTS LATER WE SEE Melinda joining the girls on the side of the field. WOMAN 1 Where’d you go?
66. MELINDA Had to make an emergency phone call. Did I miss anything? WOMAN 2 Just Kendall being the best baseball player I’ve ever seen. That girl is special. Hardly. MELINDA
Melinda takes a a big chug from her wine cooler bottle. ON THE FIELD, WE SEE Kendall grinding her shoes in the batter box at the plate. KENDALL (calls out to Ben in left field) This is going over your head! Ben pats his mit determined. The PITCHER pitches the ball Kendall takes a massive swing and KAPOW! The ball rockets over Ben’s head, who trips and falls trying to go after it. The ball goes over the fence. ROB Homerun! Alright, Kendall! Everyone CHEERS and APPLAUDS as she rounds the bases. As she rounds third for home... In the distance, she see a gorgeous, blonde WOMAN in a beautiful sunflower dress walking up with a basket of flowers. Kendall steps on home plate and stares out at the Woman. Melinda notices, gets excited and skips over to her. Christy! MELINDA
Ben immediately becomes alert, stares eyes-wide at Christy. Kendall watches the scene. Melinda and Christy hug, chat it up. CHRISTY is 32, beautiful, wholesome, Ben's high school girlfriend of 5 years, and would marry him if he would have her. MELINDA (cont’d) (calls out) Ben! Say hello to Christy! Ben jogs over. As he passes by Kendall at homeplate:
67. KENDALL (mutters to Ben) Christy? BEN Family friend. Kendall eyes the scene confused and nervous. BEN (cont’d) Hey, Christy. CHRISTY Oh my god, Benjamin. It’s been forever! KENDALL (mutters) Benjamin? Christy kisses Ben on the cheek and gives him a long hug. CHRISTY Ready for the O-G-I-A-G! Oh no... BEN
CHRISTY (singing) Our God is an awesome God! He reigns from heaven above. (then) Come on Benjamin! BEN/CHRISTY With wisdom pow'r and love! Our God is an awesome God! They laugh, hug, she rubs his back and eyes Kendall down. KENDALL Did I really just witness that? Kendall spits on the ground. BEN It’s been about two years. CHRISTY Two years, three months and ten days! Way too long. I miss my little flower bed.
68. BEN I always loved it when you call me that. CHRISTY You loved a lot things I did. (pause) I picked you some beautiful lilies and lilacs from my garden. Christy hands over the basket. Ben smells them. BEN They smell delicious. Just the right amount of texture and age. They’re perfect. Thank you. CHRISTY I always knew how to get you going. Ben and Christy smile at each other. Kendall clears her throat loudly. Ben snaps out of it. BEN Oh! Christy! I want you to come meet my girlfriend. MELINDA (mutters to Christy) Soon to be ex. Kendall walks over. BEN (to Christy) Christy - this is Kendall. KENDALL Hi. I’m actually his fiance. Kendall sticks out her hand for a shake. CHRISTY Sisters hug. Christy hugs her. CHRISTY (cont’d) So nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.
69. KENDALL (shoots look at Ben) That’s funny. I’ve heard nothing about you. Christy rubs Kendall’s back while still holding her tightly. CHRISTY You have such a strong back. Like an ox or something. KENDALL (rapping) I get it from my mama. CHRISTY I don’t get it. Nevermind. Christy pulls away. CHRISTY I like my petite, fragile frame. (nudges Ben) And I thought you were always into blondes. MELINDA That’s what I always said! Thought he wanted to marry a blonde! Someone just like his mother. Melinda squeezes Christy tightly. CHRISTY I guess there are exceptions to everything. BEN So, what brings you out here? KENDALL Yeah. I’d like to know this. CHRISTY Well, your mother called meOf course. KENDALL KENDALL
70. CHRISTY - and said she needed help with the cooking. And you know I still work for her at her greeting card company. Can’t say no to the boss or it’s my little butt on the curb. Christy and Melinda let out an annoying fake laugh together. CHRISTY (cont’d) Besides, I thought it would be nice to see my little love bug. Christy hugs Ben, squeezes him tightly. Kendall eyes her down. KENDALL (sarcastic) I’d love to hear one of your cards. MELINDA No no no. We’re at a barbecue. No time for work stuff. CHRISTY Oh come on! We’re so proud of them. KENDALL (mocking) Yeah! Come on, mom. Let her. Melinda glares. Fine. MELINDA
CHRISTY Yay! This one is a holiday theme. KENDALL This should be good. CHRISTY (reiterating card) Ho Ho Ho. Do Do Do. May you have a wonderful Christmas and we hope you take solid poo poos! Merry Christmas, Grandpa. Let the Lord show you the way to the fiber pills this holiday. Kendall busts up laughing. Classic! KENDALL
71. Rob calls over from the diamond. ROB Hey, guys! Don’t mean to break it up but we’re in the middle of a game here! CHRISTY (to Rob) Hey Rob-o-cop! ROB Hey Christy Licky! CHRISTY (to Ben) Isn’t your dad just the best? He is. BEN
KENDALL Well, WE are gonna go play. It’s a little aggressive out there. So, hang out by the side and do whatever you ladies do. We’ll catch up later. Kendall and Ben walk off. Melinda nudges Christy. I’ll play! CHRISTY
Ben and Kendall stop. Really? KENDALL
CHRISTY Of course. I’ve always loved sports. What are we playing? Kendall looks at the baseball field and then turns back. KENDALL (obviously) Baseball. CHRISTY Love that sport! Do I need a stick? No. KENDALL
BEN You can be on my team, Christy.
72. CHRISTY Perfect! It will be just like the old days when were dating! Christy runs along and gets a mit from the dugout. She kisses Rob on the cheek. Kendall is fuming as she and Ben watch Christy greet and meet all the softball men who gawk over her. KENDALL (to Ben) You guys dated? A little. How long? BEN KENDALL
BEN Ummm... five years. What??!! KENDALL
CHRISTY Come on you two. Don’t be sore poop heads! Melinda laughs on the sidelines. MELINDA You’re so bad, Christy. CHRISTY Oh yeah, Mrs. P! Ben turns to Kendall who is steaming. BEN It will be fine. Come on. Ben kisses her cheek, runs off into the arms of Christy. Kendall wipes off the kiss. KENDALL This bitch is going down. Kendall spits on the ground and adjusts her crotch. A little KID nearby watches her; he stares. Kendall snaps at him. Kendall (cont’d) You never seen a grown woman itch her dick?! What you looking at?!
73. The Kid runs off scared. EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND - FIELD - PALMER HOME BACKYARD - LATER Rob stands on the mound ready to pitch. ROB Alright everyone. We got a tough out here. Real power hitter. Christy awkwardly digs into the batter box at the plate. CHRISTY You bet your butt, Mr. P. At shortstop, Kendall pounds her mit determined. Rob pitches it, Christy swings, misses. Kendall laughs. ROB Good cut, honey. On the sideline: MELINDA Good try, lady bug. Kendall pounds her mit. KENDALL Easy out, Rob. Easy out. Just throw it over the plate and it’s a guaranteed out. ROB Take it easy, Kendall. Kendall is slightly taken back - he’s turned on her? Sorry. KENDALL
In the dugout, Ben motions for her to calm down. ROB Nice and easy, Christy Licky. Christy digs in the batter box. Rob pitches it and Christy swings - WHIFF. Kendall busts up laughing. KENDALL (calls out to Christy) Really got that one! The breeze never felt so good in Arizona.
74. ROB (to Christy) Don’t pay attention to any of that, honey. You’re doing great. CHRISTY Thanks, Mr. P. (calls to Kendall) This ones coming to you, girl! KENDALL You gotta hit it first, Licky! Christy digs into the plate. Determined. Rob pitches, Christy swings and CRACK - she hits it! The ball rolls right towards Kendall who gets in front of it, preparing for the ball to roll into her mit. THEN, it hits a rock, takes a bad bounce - hitting her right in the crotch! OOOOH'S and AWE’S from EVERYONE. Kendall falls to the ground in pain. Kendall (cont’d) My dick! My dick! Ahhhh! A GUY in dugout turns to another GUY. GUY Did she just say... dick? GUY 2 Fuck it - I’d still bang her. Kendall groans in pain on the ground. MELINDA (mutters to herself) Bullseye. Good hit, Christy! Rob and Ben shoot Melinda a “not cool” look. They both tend to Kendall on the ground, clutching her crotch in pain. BEN You okay, honey? KENDALL (in pain) My penis! BEN Vagina? You mean, vagina.
75. KENDALL Yes. Yes. Whatever. Penis. Vagina. Same thing! Pain has no gender! BEN (to Rob) I think we should examine her head. Christy rounds third base, skips and leaps onto home plate. Slam Dunk! CHRISTY
Melinda is the sole person APPLAUDING. EXT. BENCH AREA - BBQ TIME - PALMER BACKYARD Kendall ices her groin on a distant bench away from the BBQ action where people mingle and eat. She sees Christy laughing at something Ben said. Kendall looks at her groin - blue and purple. She winces. Ben walks over to Kendall and kisses her cheek. BEN How you feeling? KENDALL Sore. Angry. Angry? BEN
KENDALL Why didn’t you tell me about Christy? BEN Never really thought it was important. KENDALL Ben, you dated her for five years! That’s a long time. You should’ve told me. BEN You’re probably right. I’m sorry. KENDALL Why didn’t it work out between you two? BEN She wanted to settle down, start a huge family, live near my family... next door actually. (MORE)
76. BEN (cont'd) An Everybody Loves Raymond type of life... no thank you. Yuck. KENDALL
BEN Seriously. (smiles, then) To be honest, I just wasn’t ready for all of that. KENDALL Are you still... attracted to her? Ben lets out a soft laugh. BEN No. Gosh, no. The only woman I’m attracted to robs her husband of homeruns and ices her crotch. KENDALL Sorry for getting you out. You know I get so competitive. It’s natural for me. BEN You’re one of the rare women who was born with too much testosterone. I get it. Ben kisses her forehead. They stare lovingly at each other. KENDALL Ben, I need to tell you something. BEN One second, sweetie. Ben springs up and faces the crowd of people. BEN (cont’d) (calls out) I have an announcement to make! Everyone at the BBQ stops and listens. BEN (cont’d) There has been a stroke of luck that has come across my way recently.
77. MELINDA There is no such thing as luck, honey. Only miracles by the hands of Jesus. In unison: Amen. Ben nods. BEN Yeah. Luck. Miracle. Either way. I was recently informed by my dad that Pastor Dave’s schedule has become available. And... WE SNAGGED THE DATE! Kendall and I will be getting married this coming weekend! Everyone is invited! APPLAUD and CHEERS. Kendall’s in shock. Melinda looks like she just saw a ghost. Both in unison: WHAT?!! KENDALL/MELINDA EVERYONE
Ben turns to Kendall. BEN Isn’t it great, honey? WHAT?! KENDALL
BEN You don’t want to get married? KENDALL I do. I do. Why didn’t we talk about this? Melinda freaks out. MELINDA Why are you getting married NOW?! You’re not ready! Prepared. Right for each other! (turns to Rob) And you knew about this and didn’t tell me?!!! Melinda backhands him in the arm. Rob stops her attack and holds her arms. She pauses.
78. ROB Melinda! Pastor Dave baptized Ben. We don't know how much longer he has left to live. Him being available is a sign from God that Ben and Kendall should be together and get married. MELINDA There is no GOD! OOOHS and AWWS. Melinda starts whacking Rob more and more. Ben is confused by how shock Kendall looks. BEN I thought you’d love this surprise? KENDALL What about my spa getaway with the girls before the wedding? Don’t you think I should be fully refreshed and looking my prettiest for the wedding? BEN Honey, you’ll have time during the week to relax and freshen up. I’m sure they’ve got a spa in town. KENDALL You don’t understand. I need that spa getaway. WE need the spa getaway. Our sex life needs it! Ben crouches down in front of Kendall. BEN Kendall, I’ve thought about this for way too long. When I look at you, my heart aches and I just want to wrap you up in a little box and keep you all for myself. There’s nobody I want to be with other than you. I want to grow old with you and create our family... together. I love you Kendall. And marrying you this weekend is one of the most surest things I’ve ever done in my life. (pause) It would mean the world to me if we get married by Pastor Dave. Please... for me?
79. She wants to say no, but he has those puppy dog eyes again. Ok. Ok?! KENDALL BEN
KENDALL Yes. I will do it. Ben hugs and kisses her. He’s ecstatic. BEN (calls out) She said YES! APPLAUDS and CHEERS. Melinda is angry and cries, she blows her nose into a tissue paper. Christy takes a mean bite into a stick of celery as she watches Ben hug and twirl Kendall. INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - NIGHT Kendall sits on her bed and is on the phone with Pat. KENDALL (into phone) Pat! How are you?! INT. LOUNGE - DANCE CLUB - CONTINUOUS Pat sits in a cushy booth with dozens of empty drinks on the table. She has a full, tall, stiff drink right in front of her. She sips it from a straw. Loud CLUB MUSIC plays. PAT (into phone) I’m doing good, Kendall. Actually, not good. No luck with the men tonight. I tried to nibble on a guy’s neck. KENDALL (O.S.) (through phone) And? What happened? PAT (into phone) Well, it was sort of a bite instead of a nibble.
80. WE SEE a GUY in pain being rushed out on a stretcher, holding a cloth to his neck. PAT (cont’d) (to guy) Sorry! GUY I’m so gonna sue your ass! PAT (angry) You sue me and I’ll hunt down your wife and tell her how you were out scamming on chicks with dicks! GUY (mutters) How did she know I had a wife? An EMT pushing the stretcher turns to GUY: EMT Your wedding ring, you douchebag. (pause) I can’t believe that chick had a dick. I would have made the mistake... and probably would’ve enjoyed it. They push the man out of sight. Pat toys with her drink straw. PAT (into phone) I’m drinking with a straw! Straws are for pussies! INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS Kendall sits on bed, toys with a pillow. KENDALL (into phone) Try to enjoy yourself. How’s Blinky doing? INT. LOUNGE - DANCE CLUB - CONTINUOUS Pat is in mid-chug of her drink.
81. PAT (into phone) Blinky is... WE SEE Blinky in her wheelchair in the middle of the club dance floor. People keep smashing into her wheelchair. BLINKY Who wants to grind up on my V-hole?! My squiggle wiggle slit?! MAN Move out of the way, cripp-y. GIRL Your wheelchair keeps knocking my shins! MAN # 2 (right into her face, intense) LEAVE!!!! A guy pours a drink on Blinky. She lowers her head and rolls off. Pat talks to Kendall on the phone in the booth. PAT (into phone) She’s dancing. Having a good time. Looks like she’s wet. INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS Kendall sits on bed, toys with a pillow. KENDALL (into phone) Nice! Good for her. I always want Blinky to be having fun. PAT (O.S.) How’s the trip going? KENDALL Not good. The worst possible things keep happening. The mother definitely has it in for me. Ben’s ex-girlfriend of 5 years showed up. Christy Licky. She’s such the complete opposite of me, but just like Ben’s mother. (pause) A bitch.
82. PAT (O.S.) I can call someone and take care of that priss if you’d like? KENDALL No. That’s OK. PAT (O.S.) A guy named Bruno. Swift. Clean. Non-traceable. He gives a great blowjob. He knits too. Amazing scarves. KENDALL It’s cool. But thanks. (pause) To make matters worst... Ben moved up the wedding date! PAT (O.S.) What??!! When? KENDALL This Sunday! PAT (O.S.) Holy fuck turd?! Why? KENDALL Some old priest who’s on the verge of dying became available. PAT (O.S.) Fucking pedophiles! Always ruining everything! What about your penis surgery?! AKA: The week long “get away with the girls.” KENDALL I know. I don’t know what to do. PAT (O.S.) Emergency surgery. You need to find a doctor who can do it. KENDALL Really? There’s not enough time. PAT (O.S.) Do the surgery yourself! Here’s what you do: go to a stationary store, pick up some scissors, find a gas station bathroom, lean over the toilet, snip it off, flush it down.
83. KENDALL Pat... come on. PAT (O.S.) Yeah... you might be right. Gas station bathrooms are a hygienic nightmare. KENDALL I can’t believe Ben springs this news on me. Right after I found out that he was close to marrying another girl. I just feel so alone right now. PAT (O.S.) You want us to come over there? KENDALL Not now. More family time. But, I do want you there for the wedding. I want you by my side. PAT (O.S.) Call your brother Steve. He’ll come out there. You need family. KENDALL OK. I gotta go. Love you, Pat. INT. LOUNGE - DANCE CLUB - CONTINUOUS Pat slouches in the booth, Blinky fixes up a rope noose with her army boot shoelace to hang herself with. PAT Love you too, Kendall. KENDALL (O.S.) Say hi to Blinky for me. I’ll see you guys at the wedding. Pat hangs up. She turns to Blinky who now has the noose wrapped around her neck. PAT (casually) Kendall says hi. BLINKY (noose around neck) Hi, Kendall.
84. Pat shakes her head, chugs her drink. Blinky struggles with the noose. PAT Need any help? BLINKY I got it. But thanks. Blinky pulls out a silver bullet vibrator and turns it on. INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS Kendall sighs. She flips open her phone and dials. KENDALL (into phone) Steve? Guess what? I’m getting married... and I need you. (pause) When? MELINDA (O.S.) (happy) Kendall! Come up here! We’re celebrating like wild Indians before Columbus invaded! Kendall gulps. KENDALL (into phone) Can you fly out in the next hour? INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER Kendall walks in to find Melinda, Christy, Ben, Rob, and Charlie sitting on the couch laughing and drinking cocktails. MELINDA Kendall! My doll! Melinda gets up and hands her a cocktail. MELINDA (cont’d) I’m so sorry for the way I reacted earlier. You know when a mother hears her son is getting married it makes us act in crazy ways. (whispers) Just like a female on her period. You know how that goes, right?
85. KENDALL (lying) Sure. Periods. Yuck. MELINDA We’re best girlfriends now! Kendall, hesitant of the kindess, takes the drink glass. KENDALL Umm, thanks. MELINDA Raise your glasses everyone. (they do so) To Kendall and Ben. May they have the most beautiful marriage, life, and dozens of gorgeous children. To never lying, to always being truthful. To a healthy, honest marriage. Kendall eyes grow wide. Cheers! Cheers! MELINDA (cont’d) EVERYONE
Everyone hugs Ben and Kendall. Melinda pulls Christy closely. MELINDA (whispers to Christy) How was that? Perfect. CHRISTY
Ben kisses Kendall. Rob gathers everyone’s attention. ROB Alright everyone! Let’s go celebrate at our favorite authentic restaurant! EXT. CHEVY’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT - NIGHT ESTB. Chevy’s neon blinking sign above the bland building.
86. INT. TABLE - CHEVY’S MEXICAN RESTAURANT - SAME At a big festive table, sits all the Palmer’s, Christy and Kendall. Rob, Melinda and Christy all sport obnoxious floppy sombreros. Christy and Melinda have huge blue margaritas in front of them. Kendall and Rob have beers. Ben sips on wine. CHRISTY Put on your sombrero, Kendall. No thanks. KENDALL
CHRISTY I know Ben wants to wear one. BEN Uh, it’s really not necessary... Christy flops one on his head. OK. BEN (cont’d)
CHRISTY Aww, you look so cute. Christy squeezes his cheeks. CHRISTY (cont’d) Reminds me of the time when we had a little too much tequila in Mexico and you tried to get the worm out of my bellybutton. BEN (embarrassed) Oh, yeah. Vaguely remember that. CHRISTY Remember? You were convinced it crawled into my pants! Silly, bean. Everyone laughs - not Kendall. Ben rubs Kendall’s back, embarrassed trying to save face. She moves his hand off her. MELINDA Kendall, you and Ben gone on any trips together recently? KENDALL I guess the travel bug hasn’t hit me yet.
87. MELINDA That’s a shame. Ben loves to travel. Right, Christy? CHRISTY He got the TB - FYI TB is short for travel bug - in high school when we both went to Europe for a month! MELINDA It was a church mission. They went to Amsterdam to save a lost 18 year old Catholic girl out of one of those donkey sex shows. I guess she lost her way from the Lord and found a banana instead. (pause) What we talking about church for! Let’s celebrate! Rob eyes a mariachi band in the restaurant. ROB (calls to the band) Muchachos! Loco Gringo needs some el musico. We got a wedding to celebrate! The band walks over. They begin to play a classic mariachi tune. After a few lines are sung, Rob interrupts -ROB (cont’d) No no no! Ricky Martin! Salina! Shakira! MELINDA CHRISTY
CHARLIE That bitch is fine. The mariachi band members look at each other, shrug their shoulders and begin to play Shakira, “Whenever, Wherever” mariachi style. The family dances in their chairs. Ben half-smiles, raises an eyebrow. Kendall rolls her eyes. One the band members does a shimmy chest shake. The family eats it up. Charlie stands on his chair and starts shaking his ass. He then pretends to fuck a chick from behind. Ben and Kendall raise an eyebrow at each other. The band concludes the song. APPLAUDS from the table. Bravo! CHRISTY Splendid! MELINDA
88. One of the Spanish band MEMBERS sticks out his hand for a tip. Rob gives him a fist pound and the explosion noise with his mouth. BAND MEMBER (mutters) Madre maldito bastardo barato. Vaya mierda de perro! The band walks away. ROB Now that’s music! You like music like that, Kendall? Just then, STEVEN approaches the group. STEVE (O.S.) Last time I heard Shakira was under the bleachers at prom. Makes me sweat. Makes me think of cheerleaders. MELINDA Excuse me! Who might you be? Kendall turns around and sees -Steve! KENDALL
She gets up and gives him a hug. Followed by a weird handshake that involves fist pounds, chest bumps, and tapping each others crotch area. KENDALL (cont’d) How are you, bro? STEVE Good, little sis. Ben stands and shakes Steve’s hand. BEN Steve-o! How goes it man! STEVE Every day is a good day when you got this big dick down there. Am I right or what?! BOOM!!! KENDALL Steve. Please.
89. STEVE What? You can’t say dick whenever you want?! This is a fucking free country, dick! Dick dick cock balls dick balls dick hole butt crack cock dick shit fuck turd balls cock nuts dick penis lard MSG cock eating suck balls lizard king cunt! CHARLIE Holy shit... my hero. KENDALL Are you through, Steve? STEVE (thinks, then)
KENDALL Let me introduce you to Ben’s family. This is Rob - Ben’s father. Steve and Rob shake each others hand. KENDALL (cont’d) Ben’s brother, Charlie. Charlie puts up his forearm for the Bash Brothers pound. STEVE Only if I’m Mark McGwire. CHARLIE They both juiced it either way. They give each other the bash brother pound. KENDALL This is Christy. Ben’s... friend. Kendall turns to Christy. CHRISTY (smitten) Ex-girlfriend. Good to meet you, Steven. Likewise. STEVE
Steve lifts up her hand and kisses it. They both gush. Kendall turns to Melinda.
90. KENDALL This is Ben’s mother, Melinda. Steve sticks out his hand to Melinda. STEVE Pleased to meet you, Mrs. PalmMELINDA What in the Lord’s name are you doing here? STEVE I heard my little sis is getting married. Someone has to sit on her side. Wouldn’t miss that for the world. Melinda retreats to her Margarita. Steve pulls back his hand. ROB Sit! Pull up a chair! Have drinks! STEVE One step ahead of you. Steve swigs from a flask and sits down next to Christy. CHRISTY So, what do you do, Steve? STEVE I have my own law practice in Los Angeles. (pause) Just kidding fuckers! I’m a rock ‘n roller. Big balla! Play guitar. Vocals. Benny boy is my manager. Sort of. BEN
CHRISTY (turned on by Steve) I’d love a private show sometime. STEVE For you, anything. (whispers) But if I go down... you go down. And I don’t mean just my dick. I’m talking the rusty trombone, toes and the back of my kneecaps.
STEVE What can I say... I’m a freak. MELINDA Do you believe in Jesus, Steve? No. STEVE
CHRISTY (whispers into his ear) Sometimes I too turn a blind eye to the man... Christy grabs his thigh and squeezes it. Melinda nudges her. MELINDA There couldn’t be a better time to tell you, Kendall, that we have a surprise for you. KENDALL What kind of surprise? CHRISTY A girl surprise. We want to do something special. We heard about you wanting to “freshen up.” MELINDA In the next few days we want to have girl time. Doing things girls do. Golden Girls style! KENDALL Sounds sorta cool. MELINDA Me, you and Christy. It will be a blast. The catch is you have to trust us and allow us to pick the activities. Starting a family is all about trust. You do trust us, right? Ben kisses Kendall. Um, yes. KENDALL
MELINDA Yay! It’ll be just perfect.
92. ROB Cheers to trust! Cheers! EVERYONE
Rob looks over at the Mariachi band. ROB (calls to band) Ricky Martin! The band member flips him off. INT. BASEMENT - PALMER HOME - NIGHT Steve and Kendall sit on the edge of the bed. KENDALL Thanks for being here. STEVE Of course. I wouldn’t miss your wedding for the world. (pause) None of them know, right? Yeah. Ben? KENDALL STEVE
KENDALL Uh... no. And you can’t tell anyone! You know, come out. gotta do. been safe Thanks. STEVE the truth is going to But, you do what you Your secret has always with me. KENDALL
STEVE You’re right about Melinda - she’s a real bitch. But that Christy girl is hot. She totally squeezed my thigh. I’m gonna sleep with her. Make her see the devil.
93. KENDALL For her, that’d just be looking into the mirror. Steve kisses Kendall on the forehead. STEVE Goodnight, sis. Goodnight. KENDALL
Steve walks out. Kendall sighs. Kendall (cont’d) Girl time. Great. Kendall flops on the bed. KENDALL (cont’d) Let’s hope this goes fast... Kendall falls asleep. DISSOLVE TO: INT. SPA - MORNING DAY 1 - GIRL TIME Kendall, Melinda and Christy all get pedicures. CHRISTY Isn’t this nice? MELINDA Closest thing to heaven. (pause) Excuse me, ladies - I’m going to the washroom. Melinda walks away, but gives Christy the nod to make her move. CHRISTY You know what heaven is? What? KENDALL
CHRISTY Ben and I had the most amazing sex on top off a rooftop in New York.
CHRISTY The things he did with his teeth. Ah! To die for. He treated me like I was his Juicy Fruit bubblegum. KENDALL Ben never told me this. CHRISTY Why would he, silly? Kendall lays back in shock. Christy throws in some gum and chomps loudly. She blows on her toes. EXT. DOG SHOW - PARK - AFTERNOON - DAY 2 DAY 2 - GIRL TIME Melinda, Christy and Kendall all watch dogs being paraded around in a competition. CHRISTY Look how cute that dog is! WE SEE dog: not cute at all. Matter of fact, the dog isn’t even moving! The owner drags the dog around in the circle on its belly. KENDALL Actually, it looks like it might be dead. MELINDA Nonsense! That dog is healthy and alive. (pause) I’m going to get some lemonade. Melinda trots off. CHRISTY Ben used to love it when I barked on the floor. I was his little chew toy. He was my bone. Kendall stares angry at Christy.
95. INT. WEDDING SHOP - AFTERNOON - DAY 3 DAY 3 - GIRL TIME Kendall models wedding dresses for Melinda and Christy. KENDALL How’s this one? MELINDA Cute. Gorgeous... So not you at all. Let me go ask the clerk to see if they have anything special in back. Something more... tough. In a brown box... clear the dust off a vintage doll dress or whatever. Melinda walks off. Christy stares up and down at Kendall’s body. What? Kendall
CHRISTY Oh, nothing. Just reminds me of the time Ben and I would play dress-up. Cops and Robbers was always his favorite. But I preferred when we pretended to be husband and wife. (pause) I would always give him blowjobs under the table after a home cooked meal. Kendall stares down Christy. INT. CHURCH - AFTERNOON - DAY 4 FINAL DAY - GIRL TIME Melinda, Christy and Kendall all sit in chairs attending a Christian service. Melinda is in full prayer mode. Christy leans over to Kendall. CHRISTY (whispers) I gave Ben a handjob in that confessional over there. Kendall eyes the confessional booth.
96. CHRISTY (cont’d) The good thing about doing it in a confessional is you can apologize for your sins right after he ejaculates. Very convenient. PRIEST stands at the alter. PRIEST In God’s name, we say: Amen. Amen. Kendall is fuming. KENDALL Excuse me, I have to make a phone call. Kendall gets up and walks away. MELINDA (mutters to Christy) I think you put the nail in the coffin, darling. CHRISTY (beaming) I think that chick is down for the count. They high-five, then retreat back to full prayer mode. EXT. PARKING LOT - CHURCH - MOMENTS LATER Kendall stands in the parking lot on her cell phone. KENDALL Hi. Doctor Harris. Yeah, hi. My name is Kendall Hill. I called earlier. I need an emergency sex change operation so I can be ready for my wedding this weekend. (pause) When? (pause) Can we do the surgery tomorrow. (pause) Too soon?! Recuperation time! (MORE) EVERYONE CHRISTY
97. KENDALL (cont'd) I can take the pain! What I don’t have is time! (pause) You’re sorry?! You’re not sorry. I’m the one with a fucking dick here that needs to be chopped off asap! (pause) What for? For love, you fool! And so this Christy bitch doesn’t steal my man or worst I don’t stab her in the neck! (pause) Good luck? Fuck you! Kendall hangs up. MELINDA (O.S.) Business call? Yeah. KENDALL
CHRISTY We should all go see a GYNO! MELINDA Yes! I love it when women take the time out to check on their vaginas! You know what the Apostle Peter always said: a healthy vagina means a happy husband! KENDALL Look, guys. I gotta pass. I’ve had an exhausting few days. I need to go rest and be alone. All of a sudden, Steve comes out of nowhere. STEVE Hey guys, I thought that was you? KENDALL What are you doing here? STEVE I was over at the music store across the street. Playing with a guitar. (eyes Christy) Fiddling the nobs. Christy shifts her body, aroused.
98. CHRISTY You know? Now that I think about it. Kendall might be right. I think she should be getting home now. MELINDA (mutters angrily) But, Christy! We need to keep going! CHRISTY Nah. I think we’ve had enough fun. I’m gonna hang with Steven a little bit. You can give me a ride home, right? Of course. STEVE
Christy pulls Steve’s arm. CHRISTY Steve, you ever been in a confessional booth? Christy and Steve walk towards the church. Melinda and Kendall glare at each other. INT. CAR - HIGHWAY Melinda drives while Kendall stares straight ahead. SEAN HANNITY BLARES on the radio. The two don’t say a word. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CHURCH Christy and Steve fuck like animals inside the booth. CHRISTY (out of breath) Sorry, father. Christy bounces. CHRISTY (cont’d) Sorry, Lord. She bounces. CHRISTY (cont’d) Sorry, Holy Ghost. Christy bounces really hard.
99. CHRISTY (cont’d) I’m not sorry for that one. They kiss and fuck. INT. CAR - HIGHWAY Melinda drives while Kendall stares straight ahead. BILL O’REILY BLARES on the radio. The two don’t say a word. INT. CONFESSIONAL BOOTH - CHURCH Christy and Steve breath heavy, tired, post-sex. CHRISTY That was great, Steve. STEVE You were amazing, Licky. Christy grabs his hands. CHRISTY Now, I want you to kneel down and confess everything and anything to the Lord. All your sins and all your guilt and all your secrets that have troubled you in your life. Confess, Steve. (whispers) Confessssss. Christy grabs his crotch. STEVE There has been a lot on my mind throughout the years. CHRISTY Tell it all. The Lord is here to listen and forgive. Ease your pain, Steve. Easssseeee it. Christy strokes Steve’s hair as he kneels to the ground. INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME Melinda and Kendall walk in. MELINDA Hey everyone. We’re home.
100. Ben walks over to them. BEN Well? Is the girl week finally over? MELINDA Yes. Yes it. Kendall is officially relieved from her duties. Kendall mopes. MELINDA (cont’d) What a fun week. We went to a dog show. Got our toenails done. We did it all. A perfect girls week. Right, Kendall? Kendall mopes back towards the door. BEN Where you going, honey? KENDALL I have to run to the store. BEN You alright? KENDALL Never better. OK, love. BEN
Kendall takes the keys and head out. INT. CAR - STREET Kendall is on the phone. KENDALL Pat... I’m desperate. (pause) I’m gonna do it. Kendall hangs up. INT. COUNTER - HOME & GARDEN STORE - MOMENTS LATER SLAM! Kendall slaps down big hedge clippers on the counter. RED NECK behind counter scratches his head.
101. RED NECK Must be some big hedges you got there. KENDALL The biggest. INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER Kendall walks in with the bag holding the clippers. Ben notices. BEN Everything alright, honey? KENDALL It’ll be peachy real soon. Kendall heads down to the basement. Ben looks at Melinda confused. BEN What did you guys do? MELINDA I did nothing! BEN You must’ve done something because she’s acting depressed and sad. INT. BED - BASEMENT - SECONDS LATER Kendall, tucks the clippers under the bed, lays on pillows. BEN (O.S.) (angry) You didn’t tell me you went wedding dress shopping yesterday?! MELINDA (O.S.) YES! She needs to wear something proper for the wedding. BEN (O.S.) What about your dress?! I thought she was gonna wear yours?!! MELINDA (O.S.) If you think I’m gonna let THAT girl wear anything of mine - you have another thing coming! (MORE)
102. MELINDA (O.S.) (cont'd) (pause) She should wear her mother’s dress, anyway. BEN (O.S.) Her parents are dead, Mom! Remember! I told you! They’ve been dead for years! A sadness appears on Kendall’s face. KENDALL (mutters) They’re not dead. They just disowned me. MELINDA (O.S.) Their death is not my problem. BEN (O.S.) Unbelievable! The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Ben appears and sits down on the bed next to Kendall. BEN (cont’d) You hear all of that? Yeah. I’m sorry. KENDALL BEN
KENDALL How many times did you sleep with Christy? What? BEN
KENDALL How many times? BEN What brought this on? KENDALL You should’ve seen her all week. I didn’t want to bring it up - but I can’t take it anymore! All she could go on about is how you fucked on a rooftop...
103. Ben raises an eyebrow. KENDALL (cont’d) How you were her bone. And how you loved playing cops and robbers! Oh, the confessional! You got a HJ in a church and then confessed your sins??!! BEN What? HA HA! KENDALL Something funny? BEN Kendall... Christy is lying to you. She’s trying to get under your skin. Christy is a total prude. We barely ever kissed. Really? KENDALL
BEN You know those mythical chastity belts that only exist in Medieval times and Robin Hood Men in Tights? Yeah... KENDALL
BEN Well, they’re REAL. (pause) I love you, Kendall. I’m marrying you. Not her. Not anyone else. I only want you. Ben snuggles up to her. Kendall pushes him away. KENDALL Ben... I need some alone time to think. Sure. BEN
He kisses her and walks up the stairs. Kendall gets up and undresses herself. She faces the mirror. She holds up the clippers in front of her face. She gives it a practice snip a few times.
104. KENDALL OK. This is it, Kendall. There’s no going back. For love. For Ben... chop your cock off. It’s for love. Kendall takes a deep breath and positions the clipper scissors between her penis. Tension rises and she’s about to snip when: MELINDA (O.S.) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BEN (O.S.) (yells) Mom?!! Kendall drops the clippers, throws on some clothes, runs upstairs. INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - CONTINUOUS Melinda is in complete shock to whatever Christy has just told her. Ben comes rushing in. BEN Mom! What’s wrong? Kendall walks from the basement. Melinda points at her. MELINDA (angry, confused, can’t breath) She... She. IS... is...a Hhhhheeeeee. Melinda almost falls to the ground, but Ben helps her to a chair. BEN (confused) What? I can’t understand you. Calm down. Rob comes walking in with Charlie. ROB What’s going on here? BEN I don’t know. I do! CHRISTY
Steve, sweaty, disheveled, walks in through the door.
105. KENDALL Steve! You alright? STEVE I’m sorry, Kendall. KENDALL What did you do? Kendall looks at Christy - they glare at each other. CHRISTY It looks like this “girl” has been hiding a terrible secret from the world and more importantly from her future husband, Benjamin. BEN What do you mean, Christy? (looks to--) Kendall? CHRISTY Kendall is... a man. What?!! BEN
CHRISTY Kendall here was born Ken. Matter of fact, Ken here was a very successful young boy. All-state baseball. All-state punter. Prom King. But poor Ken here longed to be a woman. Ken loved the lipstick, the power, the attention, the highheels. Isn’t that right, Ken? KENDALL That’s not why I did it. BEN This isn’t true, right? Good joke guys. Cut it out now. CHRISTY Oh, yeah? Don’t believe me? Check her pants. Kendall is sweating, worried. Ben is distraught. BEN Is this true?
106. Rob walks over to Kendall. Then, suddenly, looks down her pants. WE SEE: A HUGE PENIS IN HER SHORTS. He jumps back in shock. Oh my God! ROB
He looks at everyone. ROB (cont’d) (whispers) It’s a penis. KENDALL Ben. I can explain. BEN Wait, what? KENDALL I wanted to be a woman because I loved how gorgeous they were. How beautiful of a creature a woman is. I didn’t like being a man. I was unhappy. I felt more comfortable as a woman. I identified with the female sex! I felt like a human being when I became a woman! BEN This can’t be happening... KENDALL I didn’t want to ruin things between us. You’re the first man I’ve ever loved. I didn’t know how you’d react. BEN How am I supposed to react?!! (pause) You’re a... man! Wait... I’ve been getting oral pleasure from a man!? KENDALL A woman! Who you love! BEN I don’t know anymore, Kendall. Ken. Whatever your name is. KENDALL Ken is dead. I’m a woman. Not a man.
107. BEN You have a penis! KENDALL I was going to get it removed! I was even so desperate I was downstairs about to chop off my dick with hedge clippers. MELINDA Oh dear Lord! KENDALL That’s how much I love you. What person would cut off their own penis for love? BEAT. BEN I-I-I can’t date a... shemale! KENDALL DON’T EVER CALL ME THAT! Melinda stands tall, looks at Kendall and Steve. MELINDA I think you two should leave. Ben?! KENDALL
BEN I don’t know. I need time to think with my family. It might be best if you go... Kendall walks toward Ben; rubs his face with her hand. Ben removes her hand from his face. Steve and Kendall walk out of the house. CHRISTY (bitchy) Ken-Doll. Quite original. Everyone consoles Ben. He breaks free and retreats to his room upstairs. Out the window, Charlie watches Kendall and Steve walk away. CHARLIE Shit - I’d still tap that.
108. EXT. BENCH - PARK - LATE AFTERNOON Kendall and Steve sit slouched on a park bench passing a flask. STEVE I’m really sorry that I said anything. Sex with Christy was so angelic... she’s the devil. KENDALL It doesn’t matter. It would’ve came out eventually. How did I really think that I could marry a man and hide that forever from him. (pause) I just hated how he reacted. He was so angry and mean. STEVE How would you be if your found out that the vagina you’ve been dreaming of was a sausage? KENDALL You might be right. Still, I thought Ben was different. A human being full of love and acceptance. I guess I was wrong. She swigs from the bottle. STEVE Look. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I know you’ll be okay. I mean... look at you! You’re a beautiful woman. You’ve had to deal with so much to become one. I’m so proud of you. KENDALL But it still hurts to be rejected by the one you love. STEVE (singing) I've had the blues The reds and the pinks One thing for sure Love Stinks Love stinks yeah yeah. KENDALL Not now, Steve.
Steve looks down at his crotch. STEVE (cont’d) I think that bitch gave me the CLAP. I even had to pry off this 17th century metal belt with a wrench just to get to her pussy! Kendall swigs from the bottle. KENDALL Let’s go watch a ball game. INT. BEDROOM - PALMER HOUSE - NIGHT On bed, Ben lays staring up at the plastic stars on the ceiling. KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Melinda walks in and sits down next to Ben. MELINDA You okay, honey? BEN Confused. Angry. Lost. MELINDA All healthy feelings in a time like this. BEN You remember when I was a kid and all I wanted to do was to grow up and get married and have dozens of kids? MELINDA Like it was yesterday. BEN I’m not that kid anymore, think you need to realize goals and priorities have I’m not even a practicing MELINDA But, honey... BEN No. Mom. You don’t understand. My life has been boring and utter shit until I met Kendall. mom. I that. My changed. Christian.
BEN Kendall. I’ve never felt so alive in my entire life. Never felt so loved. MELINDA But she lied to you. A big lie. Not a white lie. How can you forgive someone who has betrayed you and hurt you so deeply? BEN Isn’t that what the Christian faith is all about? Forgiving? Loving someone for who they are? Melinda for the first time seems like a normal loving person. She sees how much passion is behind Ben’s eyes. BEN (cont’d) Mom. I love her. I don’t care what gender she is or what the bible says or any of that crap. If I love a man who looks as good as Kendall AND, more importantly, who is the most loving sweetest person I’ve ever known - THEN I LOVE MEN. I love her, Mom. I really really love her. I don’t want anyone else but her. Man or Woman. (pause) To me... she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I don’t care what you or society says. Love is not about the penis or vagina... it’s about the heart. Ben begins to cry into Melinda’s arms. Melinda strokes his head. INT. LIVING ROOM - PALMER HOME - MOMENTS LATER Rob, Charlie, and Christy all sit on the couch consoling each other. Melinda walks down the stairs. CHRISTY How’s my love bug doing? MELINDA Get out, Christy.
Melinda grabs her by the arm and escorts her to he door. MELINDA You heard me! I think it’s time you leave and start your own life. CHRISTY But Mrs. P? MELINDA NO. And don’t bother coming in to work next week. That Grandpa poop card? Really?! You’re fired! Melinda throws her out. CHRISTY (outside) You’re greeting cards sucked anyway! Hallmark wants to buy my poop card! MELINDA Hallmark is for hacks! Christy walks away angry. Rob consoles Melinda. ROB They don’t suck, honey. MELINDA Yeah they do. My cards are utter shit. Melinda walks to the closet and opens the door. ROB Well? Is Ben OK? MELINDA He’s a man in love without his wife. How would you feel? Melinda grabs a bag out of the closet, heads towards the door. ROB Where you going? MELINDA Billy Bob’s sports bar.
112. Melinda walk out of the house and slams the door. ROB That’s the woman I married. Rob and Charlie fist pound each other. Of course, explosion noise. INT. COUNTER - BILLY BOB’S SPORTS BAR - NIGHT Kendall eats peanuts and drinks a beer at the bar counter. A baseball game is on the TV screen. Melinda approaches from behind. Kendall! MELINDA
Kendall turns and throws up her hands. KENDALL Ah, fuck! Look! I’m sorry I have a penis! God gave me a penis! Blame him! Just please... leave me alone! MELINDA I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I don’t care about THAT. Melinda sits down next to Kendall. She drapes a black bag over an empty chair. BARTENDER turns to Melinda. Drink? Martini... BARTENDER MELINDA
She eyes Kendall’s beer. MELINDA (cont’d) Make it a beer. What kind? BARTENDER
MELINDA Whatever she’s having. Beer? I dabble. KENDALL MELINDA
113. KENDALL What do you want, Melinda? An apology? I’m sorry I hurt your son. I really am. You don’t know how much it pains me to see Ben hurt. MELINDA I know you are. That’s why I am here. Melinda sips her beer - cringes. MELINDA (cont’d) How do people drink this non-sugary dirt liquid? BEAT. MELINDA (cont’d) Look, Kendall. I know we’ve never been buddy-buddy. KENDALL You’re telling me. MELINDA And you really should tell someone you have a ding-a-ling well before you enter a relationship. I know. KENDALL
MELINDA And I know you are trying really hard to make me like you. And I’ve been a royal pain in the you know what. The point is... I know you love my son. When I look into your eyes I can see the passion that burns when you talk about Ben... the same passion I see when Ben talks of you. It might take me a little while to get used to you being a biological man. But I do know that I wanna try. Because I love Ben. And... if Ben loves you. Then I love you. That’s how it has to work. (pause) I’m the one who is sorry. I’ve been a big bitch and I’ve prevented my son from being with the woman he wants to marry. Kendall is teary eyed.
114. MELINDA (cont’d) Oh, don’t cry. Boys don’t cry. Kendall lets out a soft laugh. Here... MELINDA (cont’d)
Melinda unzips the black bag. MELINDA (cont’d) I want you to wear this. Melinda holds up a beautiful white wedding dress. Really? KENDALL
MELINDA I couldn’t think of any other woman I’d rather have wear this on the planet. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. It’d be my honor. Kendall and Melinda hug. Kendall takes the dress, holds it up. MELINDA (cont’d) If you ruin that dress like you did Black Jesus... I will break your arm. The two laugh and hug. Melinda gives her the keys. MELINDA (cont’d) Now go get your man. KENDALL Thanks, Melinda. You don’t know how much this means to me. MELINDA Hush up and just go. Before I change my mind. Melinda smiles. Kendall runs off with the dress, speeds off. MELINDA (cont’d) Bartender! Extra dry Martini, please. Throw this... (re: beer) ...thing, away
115. EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - PALMER HOME - NIGHT Ben sits at second base staring off. In the distance, Kendall runs wearing the white wedding dress. KENDALL (calls out)
Ben looks closely. Kendall?! BEN
Kendall runs gracefully in the beautiful flowing dress. Bennnnn! Kendall! KENDALL BEN
Ben runs towards home plate where he meets Kendall. They stop, pause and just stare at each other - uncertain of what to do. BEN (cont’d) Kendall, I wanted to say thatKENDALL No. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. It was selfish of me. I just wanted you to love me for me. I’m sorry. I understand if you can’t forgive me. If you can’t marry a woman with a dick. I understand. But I wanted to let you know that I love you. Ben looks at her lovingly and rubs her cheek. BEN Remember when I said that no matter what people say or think about you, if I love you then they will have to learn to love you too. Yes. KENDALL
BEN Well, I don’t care what people say about us. Or what people think about you or me. (MORE)
116. BEN (cont'd) Or what pogo stick you have flopping between your sexy thighs. Kendall cries and lets out a soft laugh. BEN (cont’d) I love you. No matter what. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I want to marry you. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my entire life. (pause) Kendall Hill, will you marry me? Yess!!! KENDALL
The two hug and kiss. Kendall picks up Ben, twirls HIM around. EXT. WEDDING ALTER - PALMER BACKYARD - FEW DAYS LATER People sit and watch Ben and Kendall at the alter. Blinky (in wheelchair), Pat and Steve all at her side. PASTOR DAVE (old, terrible posture) stands in front of them COUGHING... HARD. BEN You OK, Pastor Dave? PASTOR DAVE Dying! You ever died before? No! BEN
PASTOR DAVE It sucks! Recommend you not die! BEN Good advice. Pastor Dave finishes his cough attack. PASTOR DAVE At this time, I’ll ask you, Ben, and you, Kendall, to face each other and take each other’s hands. Ben and Kendall do so excitedly.
117. PASTOR DAVE (cont’d) Ben, will you take Kendall to be your wife, your partner in life and your one true love? I do. Kendall smiles. PASTOR DAVE Kendall, will you take Ben to be your husband, your partner in life and your one true love? I do. KENDALL BEN
PASTOR DAVE Bye the power vested in me, I now pronounce Kendall and Ben Palmer... husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Ben and Kendall kiss. Some people cheer. Some people shield their eyes. Some even duck under their seats. Charlie stands: CHARLIE Let’s get drunk and bang some bitches! This gets everyone to CHEER, even Pastor Dave (who “raises the roof”). EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - PALMER HOME The field has been converted into a dance floor with buffet tables around it. People dance. Steve rocks out playing a song with his band. Charlie smacks an OLD GRANDMA from behind while he dances. CHARLIE Yeah, Granny! I graduated! What now?!! Charlie smacks her butt. Rob and Melinda dance. ROB Well honey, I’m proud of you. MELINDA I just wanted my son to be happy. They look over to see Ben and Kendall feeding each other cake.
118. ROB They certainly are. MELINDA You know, there’s always adoption for them. I mean, we all know that Charlie turned out great. We see Charlie riding piggyback on Old Grandma. Rob kisses Melinda and nibbles on her ear. Melinda giggles. Kendall and Ben kiss. Pat does some weight curls off in the distance. EXT. PORCH - PALMER HOME - LATER On the porch, Kendall gears up to throw the flowers to a sea of hungry, single women. KENDALL OK, girls. Ready? They all jockey for position. Kendall tosses it. SLOW MOTION: The flowers are in mid-flight, women trying to catch it. From NOWHERE, Blinky rides in - bombing down the street on a skateboard, pushing with her hands and arms, chest on the board. SLOW MOTION: She reaches the curb, hits it and flies in the air right toward the sea of single women! In mid-flight, Blinky snags the flowers and falls to the ground. END SLOW MOTION. Everyone looks at Blinky on the ground, happy and holding the flowers close to her. BLINKY Yesss! I got them! RANDOM GIRL She used a skateboard! No fair! BLINKY Having no legs is not fair, bitch! MAN (O.S.) And I have no arms. Blink turns to see a dashing, hot MAN... with no arms.
119. BLINKY I can be your arms. MAN I can be your legs. Blinky stares smitten at the Man. EXT. LIMO - STREET - MOMENTS LATER Ben and Kendall stand by the limo waving to everyone. KENDALL Bye guys! We love you all! BEN Thanks for coming! PASTOR DAVE Go consummate the thing already! Ben and Kendall look at each other with worried expressions. INT. ROOM - HOTEL - LATER Kendall and Ben, confused, stand at the base of the bed. BEN Ummm... I don’t mean to be rude or anything. But, how do we actually do this? KENDALL Oh, honey. Don’t worry. (pause) I’m a big fan of anal. OVER BLACK: RIP! Kendall removes her penis duct-tape. KENDALL (O.S)(cont’d) Won’t be needing that anymore. FADE OUT. THE END
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