MEEKIE MONTHLY

Issue 6 July 2007

It’s as mad as a badger

FREE

SUMMER’S HERE!*
* (for all readers in the Northern Hemisphere. For all readers in the Southern Hemisphere, please come back in six months)

FREE SICKNOTE TRACK WITH THIS ISSUE!!
(You’ll absolutely go bonkers about it!)

INSIDE: Shiny happy people, the beautiful people, the ordinary people, Village people, Common People, and lots of people who really shouldn’t be in here.

Editor’s welcome
Well July’s here and for us up in the Northern Hemisphere, it means only one thing– yes the nights are drawing in already. Summer’s been and gone (it was last Tuesday afternoon in case you missed it) and now we can look forward to crisp autumn evenings and Christmas. Brenda, my surgicallyenhanced wife has other ideas though– she’s out in the garden oiling up her silicone wabbers; my 16 years old daughter has taken the opportunity of an empty house to show the lads from the pub her rack (isn’t it great to see the youth of today being involved in such civilised hobbies such as wine-tasting) and young lad Timmy has set up his own business pushing hard-core drugs to the kids on the local estate. It’s great to see the entrepreneurial spirit in my kids. Have a great July. Editor

meekiemonthly
Contact details: meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Cover girl: Kaylee from Cardiff Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly

Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine. To subscribe, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer Research

www.meekiemonthly.com

Royston
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2

Contents
In this month’s Meekie Monthly:
5. Interesting facts about Mr Blair 6. Celebrity Showdown– Politician Special 8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity! 9. Letters page 13. The Lads’ Page– learn how to moonwalk! 14. Rugby World Cup Preview 15. Boys Racers Special 16. Page 16 20. A Flowchart Thing I got confused doing 22. Fok knows 22. Have a look yourself 24. Siop Meekie Monthly 26. Horoscopes 28. Sport
edos to I like to wear Spe eekie work and read M Monthly at home Terry, Co. Antrim

Issue 6

July 2007

WRITERS WANTED
We’re looking for writers to write for our hallowed pages. You don’t need any experience– just the cheek to think that you’d be good enough. Go on back yourself– drop us a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

Meekie Monthly wishes Big Toe a lovely retirement and welcomes whatsizface to the office of Prime Minister for London
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 3 MEEKIE

For our new readers…. (both of them) …..

hat W

ie? ek me is a

Proper news like
Tapestry Goes West 2007 Friday 10th – Sunday 12th August, 2007 Margam Park, Port Talbot, South Wales, SA13 2TH £50 (inc. camping) Early bird tickets can be bought before the end of April for £45 After years among the cowboys of Cornwall, last year Tapestry Goes West went galloping off to pastures medieval in Wales. And to great acclaim they did so too! Which is why the festival returns this year with more of the same...only more so. Taking place in a beautiful deer park near the golden sands of Porthcawl and the Mumbles peninsular, Tapestry is set to be a highlight of the summer festival season. Margam Park in South Wales is situated at the heart of the land of the dragon and the legend of King Arthur and Camelot. This is why it’s a perfect setting for Tapestry’s mix of eclectic music and medieval-style fun. Musical treats aplenty come from The Duke Spirit, The Hot Puppies, Radio Luxembourg, Clientele, Threatmantics, The Poppies, Dexateens, The Research and Relands Palomino Company among many others (full line-up listed below). Medieval malarkey includes jousting from Europe's premier team of brave horsemen, The Knights of Arkley, a medieval village, plenty of mead and spontaneous bouts of chivalry (anyone who knows me will know that I consider chivalry to be anything but medieval, by the way). There’s also a whole bunch of bands and other silly, fun summer stuff yet to be confirmed so check www.tapestrygoeswest.com regularly for details.
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 MEEKIE

This is a drawing of a meekie by a wellrenowned artist
Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every month? For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since 1988.

This is a real-life photo of a meekie
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole world over– even in places like Holland

101 things you never knew about Big Toe
(the outgoing King of the United Kingdom and its outlying territories)

You either love him or loathe him. But did you know that:
mber now. 52? Can't reme e of 1. At the age of eight, 19 1954. Or was it e ag Christmas Day, he was able to talk posh at th quite spectacularly. born on as alls dropped h meant that Southall Blair w 1. Tony Neville nt to a very posh school whic se and at the age his 13, his b "Blair and Blairette". Their s o d run around 2. Tony Blair we e a spoon on the end of his n circus.. Their stage name wa o was waiting to come on an a h he could balanc were both trapeze artists in and landed on an elephant w ff nts e gain one O 3. Tony's pare cut short after Mrs Blair fell o ent onto becom w e Head Boy and double act was ol. Tony becam ing scho as caught in circles. t tits up. Tony w e Minister, sent off to board n 17, Tony was at Peacocks we rim 4. At the age of . 78 after his job r shouting "When I become P e UK in 19 th ry Level in Cooke to become Prime Minister of s. He is famously quoted fo ecurity. ef ed 5. Tony decid f caramel coloured men's bri escorted off the premises by s e coast of Scotland. His stealing a pair oyou all get sacked" as he was fied island 60 miles north off th ake his mark I'll see to it that became an MP for an unclassi a puffin called Andy. y for Tony to m e opportunit 6. In 1982, Tony luded some storm petrels and dgeshire in 1989 opened up th c constituents in ed sacking of an MP in Cambri e MP for Sedgefield. a "Egg Scare" m ect sitting on Edwin eca im 7. The unexp e contest, and b e press found h me Prime d. He entered th John Major left office after th in Englan e "Race to Beco e on those basr d th e Ministe veng e UK. He entere 8. In 1996, Prim a Cabinet meeting. shows to hit th e "Good. Now I can get my re t reality ce at firs Currie' s fa f the one of the said at the tim back Blair was part o talled him as the victor. Tony glad to see the 9. Tony ins ost people are tm oters rs. It seems tha Minister" and v s" over the 10 yea y, but less racist maybe. e e Minister in tards at Peacock an up and down time in offic bit like Jade Good by the new Prim for him d 10. Tony has ha ality they all love him really. A l retire to his new villa bought of him, but in re own as PM on June 27. He wil d 11. Tony steps wo Jabs" Prescott. n "T MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 5 MEEKIE waiting, Joh

Politician Showdown

D

V G-Ma ave
36/40
Total:

n

ou ear when y oks disapp 8/10 h good lo ve’s childis im Looks: Da 0 feet of h in 7 t an stand with Paxman a to take on 10/10 attempts nt: Dave’s le Comic Ta amusing ed to were most terview in ’s stylist us , but Dave age 9/10 man of his t bad for a Butlins, Minehead. Hair: No t t Redcoat a int out tha work as a e critics po umber 10 6’ 7. Som a princely e door to N 9/10 as th ave is e Minister, it up Height: D ll for a Prim ta ade that b this is too ctually, I m tall. A is only 4ft

Looks: Gordon ’s just-got-out-o f-bed look drive women of the U s the K wild with lust . 9/10 Comic Talent: Gordon’s impre ssions of Tomm has the Labour y Cooper Party Conferenc e in stitches 9/10 Hair: Brown’s barnet has with stood the test of will it last in his time. But new job? 10/10 Height: Gordo n’s portly shap e makes him th candidate for th e ideal e new star of W eebles -the Mo vie. 8/10

Total:

36/40

It’s a draw! Hoorah!
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 MEEKIE

y hl ! nt y o M awa e ki ive ee e G M e Fr

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 MEEKIE

Celebrity
This month’ s special guest is Mystic Meg off

and she’s due to open a fete in Richmond on the 7th July. Her new book is out now, but it’s so mysterious, no-one knows the name of it.

L E C N A C
E TO U OR NF U NC SEE
Frogs

D E L
STA M

ES NC

CU IR

twoooooooooo bin days during my working

the film Groundhog Day? but I knew what was going to happen at the end

you have for tea last night?

D

When you get into a taxi on your own, do you get into the front or the back? Neither Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes. What's your favourite aisle in Kwik Save? I prefer the cereal aisle

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 8 MEEKIE

onthsalyyso. . . . Meekiers pMe..cos we Dear ag
Your favourite lette
Crap Coppers Conundrum
Middle Finger Mayhem people Why is it that middle-aged iddle feel the need to use their m mobile fingers when texting from a e their ‘phone? Why can’t they us le? I thumbs like us normal peop es them exasperate at this as it mak their look very incompetent with t that hand held devices. I sugges e the Government provide fre middle to training courses for these elderly people. Timmy, email (aged 4)

Pop-not-tastic Palav a
Have you seen that new advert for Orville Redenbachers popcorn Royston ol d chap? I don't know about yo u, but I reckon that if a man forgot to br home a DVD for his ing expectant wife and young Tommy in thi and age, it would m s day ore likely end in divor ce and court proceedings, than in a twee finger puppet performance of 'Star Wars'

What is it with the police? Why do they think that they know it all? Bloody marketeers I was driving to work yesterday, doing my knitting as I always do. Yours All of sudden, this cop flies up behind me, flashing his lights and Richard of Yates hooting at me. I tried to ignore Yates him in case I dropped a stitch, so he drew up alongside me and motioned to me to wind down the window. “Pullover” he says. Female Driving Disgrace “No. It’s a scarf” r to my Why don’t they read up on the rning on the M4, I looked ove Driving to the office this mo mph a brand new BMW doing 90 facts before they go mouthing off t and there was a woman in righ eyer view mirror putting on her to use mortals? her face up close to her rea with Ranger Barth Canada

Your Magazine Is A Pile

of Rubbish

I would like to compla in about the quality of this magazine. I signe magazine, expecting d up for this to get a proper read about proper things. I shall be writing to m y local MP when he ge ts his arse round to his shall badger him to ge office, and I t this publication bann ed. It’s rubbish . Gordon, email

liner! back of seconds and when I looked I looked away for a couple makeup!! lane still working on that she was halfway over in my , which t I dropped my electric shaver It shocked me so much tha confusion of my other hand! In all the knocked the bacon roll out the car using my knees against of trying to straighten out the ear, which fell into mobile from my steering wheel, it knocked my n on the causing it to splash and bur the coffee between my legs, de me drop me to scream, which ma meat and two veg, causing N, ruined my shirt and DISCO the cigarette out of my mouth CALL!!!!!! NECTED AN IMPORTANT Blydi women drivers!

Timmy Bridgend (near Maesteg)

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 MEEKIE

Bikini Parade
We had loads of entries for our Bikini Parade. But sadly, there are winner and losers in all aspects of life, and there can only be one winner. This month, it’s Meekie Monthly reader Jonathan Cox from Swansea! He hasn’t won anything and I’m not even sure what the rules were but he’s still won anyway! Well done Mr Cox!

Back Issues
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since 1988, but we only launched the electronic version back in March 2007. We think you’ll find that we’re getting bigger and better every month. If you’ve missed out on the earlier issues, fear not– you can order them, free of charge, from us. I think we’re a bit too good to you, but then we think that in this day and age, you deserve something for free. All you need to do is email us at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk, requesting which issue you want. We’ve got them all from March onwards. Think– they might be worth something in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

WINNER

Jonanthan Cox
This is me on the Welsh island of Magaluf

I’ve been reading Meekie Monthly now since I don’t know when. My favourite page is the Celebrity Interview and I hope that one day, I’ll be deemed famous enough to be asked to do it. Until then, I’m going down to Sarthend for a noliday. Safe.

Gordon Brown, Prime Minister
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 10 MEEKIE

Get noticed

Even in small business, image is everything
Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 MEEKIE

Advertisement

Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates those wonderful ginger people by giving them an award. Aren’t we nice?

Ginger Person of the Month Award

Name: Cécile Corbel Why I like being ginger: I like being a red
hair because I feel different and because it reminds me my Celtic backgrounds...I'm from Brittany in France (Celtic region at the very west of France with beautiful landscapes like Ireland)
Cécile will be playing in Wales at the Rainbow Spirit Enlightenment Fayre on the 9th, 10 and 11th August (www.www.rainbowspiritenlightenme ntfayre.org.uk) Her latest album, Songbook 1 is also available from her website (www.cecile-corbel.com)
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 12 MEEKIE

racer !! iew a boy We inter v
u drive? ast can yo f MM: How fast. Boy: Quite exhaust? big’s your MM: How in ‘uge. Boy: Fokk lay your can you p loud MM: How ic? shite mus loud. t? Boy: Ver y ve you go hat car ha MM: W hall Nova. oy: A Vaux B g to us. for speakin ks MM: Than bro. Boy: Safe

How to MoonWalk
Step 1. Find a pair of low grip shoes you could try to do it in your socks to start off with.

Step 2. Make sure that the ground you use to practise to
moonwalk on is also not too grippy, try and find a polished floor.

Step 3. Stand with both feet close to each other, left foot
slightly ahead of the right (toes of right should be in line with half the left foot) Step 4. Now raise the heel of the right foot so that you are standing on the front of the right foot as if you are taking a step. The left foot must stay where it is (take care not to move it). Step 5. As you lower the heel of the right foot, lean all your weight on the right foot, and drag back the left foot to so that its toes are in line with the heel of the right foot. The left foot's heel must be slightly off the ground at this stage. As you drag back, do not push down on the left foot at all or it will not glide. Make sure as you lower the heel of the right foot (slowly) the left moves at an equal speed. This will need lots of practice to master the right speed.

I’m going down the fokkin offy for some Lambert & Butler. You want anything? I cooda got some off my mate down the pub but I’m not old enough to go in there. Safe.

Step 6. Keep practicing up to the above steps until you can
make the movement subconsciously without any difficulty.

Step 7. Once you have mastered that, "kick" outwards with
the left foot, but although not quite touching the ground, make it look as if it is touching. Move it out a foot-size's worth away from the toes of the right. No part of the left foot should be raised higher than another.

Step 8. After you make your left foot move so it is at the

Lads’ Page The

starting position, lift up the heel once more of the right foot. Make sure the left leg is bent at the knee. Now repeat step 5. Keep practicing until you have the whole thing figured out, and it has been verified by others, and you feel quite comfortable with it. You should eventually get that gravity-defying

Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 13 MEEKIE

Rugby World Cup Preview
Rugby is a complicated game. In a recent study, over 90% of professional players said that they did not understand most of the rules. Worringly, an alarming 96% of referees said the same. This month, Meekie Monthly introduces the ‘front row’, and what they should be doing Hooker (no. 1) The hooker is the poor blighter who gets stuck right in the middle of a scrum. He’s also supposed to throw the ball into the lineout, but due to constant neck compression in the scrum affecting their hand/eye co-ordination), most hookers couldn’t hit a barn door from two feet away
Gerrof me you animal

The Props (No 1 or 3) There are two props in every team, the tight-head and the loose-head. In theory, this relates to which side of the hooker and they ‘prop’ him up at the scrum. That’s all they have to do in the game and the position requires no running or jumping Second Row (No 4 & 5) Sometimes called locks, these guys jump up for the ball in the lineout. Typically, they are over 6’10 and you can spot them thanks to the bandages they tape around their ears. This is to prevent their ears from being ripped off when the leave the scrum too quick to accidentally knock the ball on

In a new series, Meekie Monthly counts down to the Rugby World Cup this September by looking at the various tactics used by the world’s teams.

No.8 (no. 8) The No. 8 is there to secure the scrum and to run at people, hopefully trampling all over their opponents and leaving studmarks on lots of faces

Hi. My name’s Vincent and as you can see, I’m double -jointed

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 14 MEEKIE

Guide to onthly eekie M The M

cers y Ra Bo

e dickheads who – those immatur rs rs. inking– Boy Race shite-looking ca ow what you’re th seholes in their ar We kn o than drive like thing better to d have no bsolutely right! what? You’d be a g little shits. And do you know n these annoyin w g you the lowdo So we’re bringin

MEEKIE 1

The Driver

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The Car
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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 15 MEEKIE

Th

to Guide thly ie Mon e M eek

acers Boy R

to MODS ds are designed WANK odifications’, mo better. Short for ‘m andle and sound ok, h make the cars lo cers can only ly, as most boy ra eir Unfortunate ger with fries, th a McDonalds bur in hilarious engineer up r up’ only results ds made by a hilarious soun mpts to ‘do the ca e atte ost common: – These are th ding all the DUMP VAVLES lts. Here are the m nge gear, soun a resu ova as they ch . Some are of metal 1.1 Vauxhall N ut’s air brakes a piece e huge juggern e a whooshing us have a cheap world for som ar that produc HAUST– Most of the engine c m EX rs fitted to the t gases away fro simply speake takes the exhaus ery ev that r. Boy racers hav noise. Honest. away from the ca e exhaust and etal that takes th m t the fact that the car. ensive pieces of ed to highligh n from exp NEONS– Desig engine and away WASHER JET a tinny es away from the e asher jets. gas as….erm….. w sounding more lik h e car the boy racer osed to This results in th ster car it’s supp ese– lights on have spotted th e having a rather than the m ar ay fart st manufacturers NEONS– You m e it the impression of d like. The exhau isposable UNDER CAR giv hd soun is der the car to e boy racers’ hig h when the AA that appear un day exploiting th field rove their wort t, these p e. floating. In fac by the roadsid income. and fix the car y called out to tr cheap £20 e range from the t as most of s get Y WHEELS– The boy racers jus e at ALLO xpensive ones th y’re a high Insurers despis ns, to the mega e reason to– the INSURANCE– od versio y have very go s on the car. t declaring all d after a few day us do. But the problem by no is nicke ims you may rs get round th ese are risk. Boy race oiding any cla v Th ere do we start? and effectively KIT– Oh dear. Wh the car of their mods– BODY uck onto ey hit you. plastic that are st ainst them if th ly. have ag moulded bits of A better car usual love ‘em? like another car. Don’t you just to make it look
E SHIT

1

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 16 MEEKIE

h a nversation wit Co

Machine
Alys: What? Josie: She’s gone. Alys: Try again. Try for two nights. Josie: Ok. 08701911966 Machine: Thank-you for… Josie: One

By Josie Henley

ty in Traveldo from your first ch ere is no availabili -point-eight miles e-hundred Lisa: I’m sorry, th yal, which is zero booking will be on Park Ro e total cost of this aveldodge London able in Tr l charge. Th site at an additiona There is parking on would you like to book this? ds, and sixty five poun Josie: What? Alys: What? the website! pounds a night on t it said twenty-six Josie: Bu ok this room? ould you like to bo didn’t catch that. W Lisa: I’m sorry, I rking. esn’t include car pa e pounds, which do and sixty fiv Josie: A hundred s room? you like to book thi catch that. Would didn’t Lisa: I’m sorry, I night! enty-six pounds a Alys: But it said tw Josie: That’s what

e phone in y was kept on th onth, Josie Henle ability at episodes: Last m vious if there was avail In pre e waited to see tion with ‘The cliff-hanger as sh takes her conversa ail-biting an This week, she Traveldodge Hotel. Wembley’s ble climax es avail’ to its unforgetta but there are spac Machine e Wembley Hotel, dg oice.

Machine: I’m Lisa. I’m the voice of Traveldodge. By speaking to me, you’ll gain access to our best rates normally available via our website. Do you know the name of the Traveldodge where you want to stay? Josie: WEMBLEY Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes… Tuesday the eighteenth of April…Two… Yes… Two… One… Non-smoking. Lisa: Great! So you want to book a non-smoking room at Traveldodge Wembley Hotel, for two adults and one child, arriving on Tuesday the eighteenth of April to stay for two nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great, just a moment while I check availability… Josie: She’s checking availability. Alys: Fingers crossed. Lisa: I’m sorry, there are no non-smoking rooms available for those dates. But there is a smoking room available. Would you like to book this room?

? to book this room t. Would you like , I didn’t catch tha Lisa: I’m sorry u want to book it? eak to a call Josie: Well, do yo . If you wish to sp chnical difficulties . Alternaving te y day of the week catch that. I’m ha am and eight pm an I’m sorry, I didn’t Lisa: tween eight r lines are open be representative, ou . Goodbye. our website tively you could try s sake! Josie: Oh for fok’

I said.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 17 MEEKIE

rooms, non-smoking room? Al, no oking Josie: A sm room? k this room? smoking u like to boo at. Would yo catch th rry, I didn’t Lisa: I’m so ily rooms? smoking fam en’t any nonThere ar are already Alys: What? king rooms the non-smo eans that all robably it m Josie: No, p k this room? booked. u like to boo at. Would yo catch th rry, I didn’t Lisa: I’m so ust. then, if we m Alys: Go on Josie: Yes.

a shall we have

Lisa: Great! So you want to book a smoking room at Traveldodge Wembley Hotel, for two adults and one child, arriving on Tuesday the eighteenth of April to stay for two nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: To start the booking, I will need the surname you would like the booking under. Could you state and spell your surname now. Josie: Henley-Einion, H-E-N-L-E-Y-hyphen-E-I-N-I-O-N Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Josie: I bet you didn’t. Lisa: I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’. Josie: Henley-Einion, H-E-N-L-E-Y-hyphen-E-I-N-I-O-N Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’. Josie: Henley-Einion, H-E-N-L-E-Y-hyphen-E-I-N-I-O-N Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’. Josie: HENLEY-EINION, H-E-N-L-E-Y-E-I-N-I-O-N Alys: Oh that’s just typical. Josie: Too right. Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I need to hear something like ‘Jones, J-O-N-E-S’. Josie: Yes well if I had a name like Jones, J-O-N-E-S, then maybe my life would be so much easier. Alys: What? Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I’m having technical difficulties. If you wish to speak to a call representative, our lines are open between eight am and eight pm any day of the week. Alternatively you could try our website. Goodbye.

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this story, please call the Samaritans on 08457 909090. Press option 1, then 4, then 2, then hold for 20 minutes before being disconnected

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 MEEKIE

Advertise here for as little as
£20

per month.
Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine with its roots in South Wales but with a global readership base.You can be part of this growing phenomenon by advertising on our hallowed pages. Just £20 will buy you a full page advert in glorious technicolour, street cred and exposure to new clients. Email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk

You?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 19 MEEKIE

How easily confused are you?
Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a ...
START HERE Are you easily confused? yes Have you ever stayed up past 10pm? no yes Can you play the piano? yes Were you allowed to stay out as long as you wanted? no Were you allowed to drink Babycham? no yes

yes

no Jog on. You’re a waste of time

yes Was it nice?

no Are you easily confused? yes

Had you eaten a large meal no before hand? no no Did you sleep with someone you shouldn’t have?

Did you get off your tits?

Why not?

no That’s what party animals do. Congratulations no Did you regret it?

yes

yes

yes

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20

’s Guide to ie Monthly Meek

ues rbeq Ba
There’s nothing better than a good old British barbeque is there? But they’re always best if someone else is doing the dirty work. If you’re sad loner like I am, then here’s your guide to barbequing. Remember chums– the bigger the burger, the bigger the barbeque needs to be. Good luck.

The Grub
The food is the least important thing to think about when it comes to a barbeque. Some people make the mistake of worrying too much about the food, when in reality, they’ll overlook the food for the drink.

The Beer
The main event of any barbeque. You simply cannot drink enough of this at any barbeque. It helps soothe away those troubles and can help you relax as you sizzle the sausages. Remember though, that drinking more than 1 gallon may affect the way that you are able to converse with your friends. It is a good way however, of regurgitating your food for later, so that you don’t have to spend so much on burgers etc.

The Clobber
Just get one from Argos. Any one will do. Just get one. Ok?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21

d safety ealth an How h re you? nscious a co

When it comes to being careful, are you careful or are you not very careful. Let Meekie Monthly decide with this super quiz

r burgers. Do t waiting for thei en becoming impati your guests are d fuses to light an ve it a ‘bit of a a blow-torch to gi Your barbeque re 1. fore blasting it with s of firelighters be u? ck yo of petrol and 20 pa coals and some chuck on a gallon atly arranged char a) n of firelighters, ne sensible proportio rk’? a spa es to life by using ntly coax the flam b)ge ur mate’s Zippo? kindling? e by one using yo d to wash and ke your burgers on to have a bath, an s c) ba only got 5 minute club, but you’ve go out sown the u’re in a rush to 2. Yo s? you? your beautiful lock like a bastard? dry your hair. Do k out and drying th and multi-task bac ryer into the ba , before jumping a) take the haird r bits a quick swill bath, giving you g a bit too wild. b) jump into the t- things are gettin t ou c) cancel your nigh e u? aping down into th ur house. Do yo Hi. My name’s ing the cat and le on the roof of yo stray cat efore collect Derek and I’m ld Lloyd would, b You’ve spotted a 3. like Haro e roof and safely side of your house our descent? y Meekie f th a) scale the d hankie to slow lance, tumbles of Monthly’s nothing but a soile so that it loses ba ping its ear garden using Health and some string? n air rifle, just clip ith a d quilt and b) shoot the cat w Safety advisor e made from an ol cher devic into your Cat Cat igade? u? c) call the fire br your eyes. Do yo keeps getting in g a bit long and ur fringe is gettin 4. Yo w to it? a) take a chainsa some olive oil? ‘just you’ look? oothe it down with Brian’ creates that y b) sm salon where ‘Bend MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 MEEKIE sit your local hair c) vi

the shitter for over 20 fat woman’s been in e g for the loo but som Spain. You’re bustin to 5. You’re on a flight minutes. Do you? yourself over France? . Over France. out of an open window nearest exit and relieve en tip a) open the cup which you can th r hostess for a plastic b) ask the ai u? c) piss your pants? the enclosure. Do yo ur Cornetto falls into s, yo the Cornetto before over to see the tiger Mint, before snatching zoo, and as you lean l rong 6. You’re at your loca with an Trebor Extra St back to your friends? distracting the tigers e, and scaling the fence, a) climb over the fenc tiger e approaching female neatly side-stepping th keeper? b) tell the nearest zoo? c) buy a new Cornetto l Do you rd signs and the voca ring the various haza an electricity pylon. igno s on que like qualities and 7. Your Frisbee land owing Harold Lloyd-es it, sh a) climb up and get d below? concerns of your frien metal pointy stick? poke it out with a 30ft b) c) Call the fire brigade? g on your jacket and half an hour. Do you? fore promptly whippin work on for another be u to of working long hours 8. Your boss asks yo and safety implications alth g on your jacket and a) remind him of the he fore promptly whippin be ? of working long hours legging it out the door and safety implications alth g on your jacket and b) remind him of the he fore promptly whippin be ? of working long hours legging it out the door and safety implications alth c) remind him of the he ? legging it out the door safety conscious d safety conscious not very health and re not very health an s or Mostly As- you’ and safety consciou re neither very health Mostly Bs- you’ fety conscious re very health and sa Mostly Cs- you’
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 23 MEEKIE

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To order your exclusive Meekie Monthly T-shirt, simply fill in your name and address, cut out this section and post if to us with a cheque for £10 (plus P&P) Name………………………………………. I live at………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………. Please send me ….. Meekie Monthly T-shirts so that I can go down the pub and pull like I’ve never pulled before. Tidylike

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roscopes Ho

with Enog

ARIES disowned ir friends, your family’s s gone on hols with the Mar 21 - Apr 20 up on nth Aries. Your partner’ al opportunity to catch d This gives you the ide u’re on your own this mo Yo ys. the saucepan handle an lking himself these da even the dog’s out wa tightening that screw on you– chain, hing that sink plug to its is the life eh? those odd jobs– reattac in the living room. This occasional table all hovering under that sm TAURUS they’re the rabbit population– r 21 - May 21 s to be a problem with hit Ap em rmer Giles sends in a this month but there se privacy you long for. Fa move into a new field You ord you the don’t you think? place and it doesn’t aff of a boring horoscope shagging all over the d wipes them out. Bit nce Philip rides in an squad of foxes but Pri GEMINI to sort your s together and tell you May 22 - Jun 22 h you? Crack your head of wit s that you’ll have lots at are we going to do this month, which mean e sign of the twins. Wh Th ur chart into your food part of yo lives out. Mars moves unds. Fat knacker. s piling on the po chocolate. W hich mean CANCER r got out of le, you wish you’d neve June 23 - July 23 s with it so much troub will get ng ked and all your family use this month and bri to moves into your ho ts burned out, then nic pe by ge Plu burns down, your car ng to do Leo’s horosco however, I am prepari For a start, your house bed. y be aware y by aliens. As you ma n’t you? Good. hovered up into the sk do understand that do ch as I can. You mu putting yours down as pressure. LEO n who can deal with the ly 24 - Aug 23 e just the kind of perso you. u’r Ju ery month Leo, but yo er star sign wants to be gh being at the top ev u. That’s why every oth It’s tou , it’s yo t through a tough month If anyone’s going to ge VIRGO you’ll need to now. For male Virgos, Aug 24 - Sep 23 really should give it up u been trying to grow– yo ? That beard that you’ve See you next month eh month. ready for a very boring get
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 26

oscopes Hor

with Enog

nce ou’ll meet Pri d to talk to. Y ph. It could be n’t that ba utogra ard looks, are LIBRA n to get his a sketchy outw ite their paper and pe - Oct 23 Sept 24 who desp ng some re to take alo h for Librans, ing. 17th, so be su ot a bad mont N month– anyth ers on the hairdress y drink of the king. Luck Charles in he becomes th a bit when wor id and you onth I’m afra appens this m what h Daisy. hich is exactly SCORPIO ky cow name– iece of you. W - Nov 22 you out. Unluc s want a p animal Oct 24 ide to bail xy, that even ot granny ons Scorpio. So se sure you’ve g Sexy ell. Make t in the local c spend a nigh d on and get starte write off July IUS were you, I'd SAGITTAR s. In fact, if I 23 - Dec 21 nth Sagittariu Nov t this mo to shout abou Nothing much nth early. August a mo here'll be e bad days. T s that ays and som ORN d CAPRIC and some day e some good the bad days ne. There'll b Jan 20 better than Dec 22 onth in Ju ys. days that are ect a varied m t the chart sa orns can exp that are more Capric but that’s wha me days so last month, between and ow I said this some days in ter days. I kn r than the bet will be badde AQUARIUS 19 Jan 21 - Feb you too. That goes for

start u will have to means that yo feelings r chart. It PISCES Venus in you hurt anyone’s the arrival of r 20 careful not to ther. Be month with Feb 20 - Ma a bad thing ei t of love this n expect a lo h wouldn’t be your teet Pisces ca also brushing ing again and ick wash ould do the tr outhwash sh though– m

opes xt month’s horosc Next month: ne

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 27

Sport
We did have a very exciting sports story for you this month, but my dog ate it. If it comes out in some sort of legible form, we’ll send it to you in the post. Honest.

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28 MEEKIE

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