Paper 1

:
Title: Title is informative telling the reader what the paper is about. The title could be improved by making
the title more attention grabbing.
Abstract: As the abstract of a paper is often the only part read by many readers. Therefore it is crucial that
it provides an adequate summary of the entire paper. Thus, the field study site should be included. The
major findings aren’t included in this abstract, for example it states a broad statement about the results in
the second last sentence, but not particular findings. To improve this, the specific results (significant or
non-significant results) and major findings should be stated here. The clarity and flow of this paragraph
could also be improved, so that the message comes across clearly.
Introduction: Overall this introduction provides enough background information for the reader to
understand the aims and the experiment. However, the structure and flow of these ideas could be
improved by altering the sentence structures so it is clear what the purpose of each sentence is, and so
they are organised logically so that the section flows. This applies particularly to the first paragraph of the
introduction, as it is hard to read and doesn’t flow very well. However the following paragraphs of the
introduction are clear and easy to understand. Last paragraph of introduction clearly states the aim of the
paper. Introductions usually state how the study fits into the existing body of knowledge, this could be
done by including a couple of sentences on what other paper who have conducted similar experiments
have found.
Methods: overall the methods are explained clearly and with enough detail included. The methods
however should state more clearly where the field study took place. Thus this can be improved by including
information of where the study was conducted, possibly including gps coordinates. I would remove the
last sentence of the methods as it is not relevant to the results or the conclusions and thus removing this
would improve the conciseness of this section.
Paper 2:
Title: Title could be improved by making it more informative to what the paper is about more precisely.
Abstract: the abstract should provide a summary of the entire paper including introduction, methods,
results and conclusion. To improve this abstract an introductory sentence which explains the background
and purpose of the experiment could be included. Major results and implications are stated well in this
abstract. There are a couple grammatical mistakes which need to be fixed up as well (for example, in the
last sentence 5, 2, and 10 should be written as words not numbers).
Introduction: Introduction could be structured more logically to improve the flow and so that it is easy to
understand. A couple of broad explanatory sentences could be included at the start so that the reader can
understand what the purpose of optical fibres are to be able to then understand the aims of your
experiment (Especially to the new intended audience of undergrad students which come from a wide
range of science backgrounds).
Theory: This section is written very well. The flow of this section makes it easy to read and understand,
even to students with a different science background. There are a few grammatical errors in this section
which need to be fixed. Fox example in the third sentence I would remove the semicolon and replace it
with a full stop. Or you could instead replace the semicolon with a colon, and replace the first full stop
with “guide; and secondly, it”.
Conclusion: Conclusion is overall well written. To improve the flow and to overall conclude, I suggest
adding a sentence to the start of the conclusion which sums up the overall aims.