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1lL lUllING1ON 1OAS1
OcLober zq, zo1q
AND THE WEINER IS...
Fead Post People WhInIng (A Lot)
R\L
Search The Huffngton Toast
Meat Ryerson's New President
16 Canadian OiI Rigs That Remind
Us Of ChiIdhood
ACC0k0IN6 ¡0 Y00k M0M
kIkk hALL ¡IMPIkA¡0kI !Pk0¡! CA¡ P0LI¡IC!
Edition: Soft Rye Region: My house
!¡00IN¡ k0MANCI 0IAkII! 0I A PIAN0¡ 0h, hIY !¡IVI
SCANDAL: Toronto's New Mayor
Requesting HIGHEST Of Fives
Justin Trudeau Gets 'Turned Down'
For WHAT?
15 Ways To Shut The Fuck Up
Peanut mom, creator of MotherPeanut.com,
contributor for The Huffngton Toast Rye
Get Your ChiIdren Away From My Nuts
As a mother of four peanuts, Ì am very concerned
with the number of children in our schools. Ì won't
do anything about it, but Ì'll write a blog post.
Super hot awesome momma, wife of some
guy, Twilight scholar, #TeamJacob
My Daughter Is Such A Bitch. LOL JK
But actually. She looks like me, but is younger,
skinnier and prettier. Ì mean, why the hell does
she get to wear those clothes? lol iunno whatevs
HuffToast Corn · The Turd Metric · TTC Perspiration · Campus Breakups · Weird Hats · HuffToast El Salvador · Tears · Swiss Chalet Menu · Student Union Appetizers

I66Y !I0I8008
Betty Nutty
Ronda BarthoIomew
REPORT: President SheIdon Levy
Not Leaving, 'Just Dickin' Around'
BELIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE
Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2014
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GOULD ST
Notice to Ryerson
community regarding
paving on Gould St.
The University has been working with the City of Toronto to confirm a date for
the repaving of Gould Street.

The repaving will significantly improve the appearance of this important campus street.
Work may start any time after October 13th, however the City is only able to provide Ryerson with
48 hours notice before work will begin.
We will do our best to keep the community informed of when the work is set to begin through
social media at Twitter.com/RyersonU, Facebook.com/RyersonU, the Ryerson.ca website, and
digital screens around campus.
The project encompasses Victoria Street north from the parking Garage to Gould Street and Gould Street
from O’Keefe Lane to Bond Street. It will proceed in two phases:
1. Grinding and scouring the streets for approximately 4 to 5 hours
2. Approximately one week later, paving for 4 to 5 hours
We apologize for the inconvenience and noise this work will cause. Eforts are underway to advise
departments with classes that may be afected by the work.
If you have any questions, please contact the Campus Facilities + Sustainability Help Desk
at extension 5091 or 416-979-5091
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Prince Edward Island Floats Off
To Sea, Nobody Notices
‘I Just Remember Thinking, ‘I
Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’’
Apple’s Siri Update Offers More
Languages, Racism, Phone Sex
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Byline Man
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The World Of Newspapers Is Dead — And I
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Posted: 10/29/2014 04:56 pm EDT Updated: Post-lunch
COMPLETEY UNRELATED:
Keith Capstick’s Selfies
1 of 450,000
MOAR
‹ ›
TOAST: POPULAR?
Gould Street Gains Consciousness, Flies
To Moscow To Live With Edward Snowden
Shania Twain On Harper: ‘He Don’t Impress
Me Much’
23 Pie Recipes That Remind Us Of War
D
5
It’s 2014 and the Internet has taken complete control of your life, your attention span and your
self-confidence. You’re not really sure what your real friends are doing these days, but accord-
ing to their various virtually-constructed social identities, their days are filled with assignment
frustration, half-informed opinions about the municipal election and above-average daily visits
to Chipotle and Panera Bread.
Emoticons have assasinated the archaic tomes of elaborate prose and emotional descrip-
tion that now overfill the rotting shelves of the Ryerson library.
But I’m here to tell you, Ryerson students, that this is the best thing that’s ever happened
to us.
For the next 13 pages, I ask you to bask in the amalgamation of the beauty that is this
new age’s icy grasp on our young and impersonal minds. Watch as the internet completely
erodes the experience of holding physical paper. Watch as all emotion becomes an acronym
and after-dinner conversation is limited to 140 characters or less. Paradise.
Paradise is a world where each and every one of us runs into a fire hydrant walking down
Yonge Street while on our iPhones. Children should not be discouraged from spending their
days with their eyes glued to tiny LCD screens while clear liquid runs down their soft cheeks.
Let us revel in the alienation and annihilation of silly senses like “touch” and “smell.” Let us
lay alone in bed and watch the tabs on our web browsers multiply exponentially.
Luckily, Ryerson has already led us down this enlightened path. I remember receiving an
in-class grade for a “tweeting” assignment last year and thinking back, I can’t help but feel
that I’m optimally prepared for the future. It is clear to me that there is no better way to
prepare yourself for the post-educational dive than to truly immerse yourself in a website
that captivates the grace and eloquence of a carefully crafted “hashtag.” Shivers.
Let us be robot students; let us tweet, pin and post in all of the ways Big Brother once in-
tended, as we vaporize all forms of paper and ink from this crumbling necropolis. Actually,
fuck that, not Big Brother. Big Daddy, Big Daddy Zuckerburg. He is our saviour, the sentient
being who will rid our sad lives of burgers with friends and whatever “physical fitness” is.
He’ll let us ride that little lowercase “f” all the way into artificial heaven, baby. Sell your soul,
personal information and previous understanding of the word “dignity” to those captivating
curls and dork-tastic smile, because he is our E-Lord.
Who’s your daddy, Ryerson?
1
Destroy Hoard BLEED
Oh, man
THE HUFFINGTON TOAST
October 29, 2014
PUMPERNICKEL
Search The Huffington Toast
GOULD STREET SKIDMARKS CHINESE FOOD ANTEATERS
Edition: The Good Stuff Region: Sean’s house
STUDENT BROMANCE MORGAN FREEMAN OY, STEVE
HuffToast Edamame · Loath Me · SCC Perspiration · Caveman Selfies · Lil’ Jon Philosophy · HuffToast Marxism · A Bug’s Life · Magic: The Gathering · Argyle
Bike
Plz
BIG BEAR BRAS
PINSHIT
3?
Sheeper
A place where you can rebuild your crumbling
sense of self-worth. Sheeper.
#Election
Elusive Fox
@OkeefeChief
I voted for John Tory in the
#election. I also voted for Ol-
ivia Chow, Doug Ford, grand-
ma Helen and, of course,
Satan. With my mind.
Resheeps Nicorettes
1 54
Gary Numan
@HereInMyCar
Just voted in the Toronto
#election. At frst I was a
little, what’s the word, anx-
ious in my pants, but then I
hopped in a car and felt safe.
Resheeps Nicorettes
Cars 2
Literally A Dog
@ActuallyADog
It’s quite possible that Olivia
Chow, Doug Ford and John
Tory win this #election to-
gether. Why not start a three-
mayor system? I’m a dog and
none of this is real.
Resheeps Nicorettes
6 12
Ryersonian
@TheRyersonian
Do you wear clothes? Do you
go to Ryerson? Can you put
together a sentence about
what you’re wearing? Talk to
us. #election #Streetstyle
Resheeps Nicorettes
1000 0
Scorned Burrito
@Burritobutt
It seems that burritos aren’t
being represented fairly in
this #election. I would do
something about it, but alas,
I am a burrito. Suck my butt.
Resheeps Nicorettes
3 2.46
Costumes
Starting
at just
$
15
TORONTO • 239 Yonge St • 532 Church St
StagShop.com
ScuzzFeeD
NEWS SCUZZ LIFE
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Avocados Wife Freudian Chips Tax Returns Sup Steve
john tory breaks the societal norm
That sewer on the street
has a secret
Dan the plumber
ScuzzFeed Staff, Plumber
Top 9.75 lists of the world’s best
top 10 lists
And nine bonus lists.
Quiz: Should you base all your im-
portant life decisions on quizzes?
Hint: the answer may surprise you.
Fast food makes you healthier
And nine other things that are not true
Videos that don’t play (this is a newspaper)
1:22 1:22 1:22
7 signs you’re not as
think as you drunk I am
Hello Kitty unveiled:
actually a koala
20 reasons “fetch” will
never happen
ScuzzFeeDNEWS
BREAKING: Skullcandy
headphones taste good.
You should eat yours now
This is how leather
stopped being made from
human skin
Vegetables that don’t look
like famous U.S. presidents
24 days of Christmas and
why you shouldn’t fly a
helicopter into Bethlehem
What you don’t know about teas-
ing that kid with a scar on his head
It will leave a scar on your heart.
Googly eyes
1
2
3
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5
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8
9
Sharon Dicks A few moments ago 50 comments
Ophelia Cumen A few moments ago 137 comments
Mona Little A few moments ago 82 comments
Happy man 24 minutes ago 50 comments
ScuzzFeeD
BECAUSE WE CARE
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Variations On Crackers
Steve?
I am a Scuzzfeed list writer
and I am having a crisis of con-
science.
I woke up this morning, and
everything was normal. I was
just going to get up, go to work
and write some more fucking
lists. But then I realized I need-
ed groceries and everything
changed.
See, back in my early days,
when I was young and naive, I
would make lists like a normal
person. I’d list everything, in
fact, I would make to-do lists,
packing lists, grocery lists
and more. But today I started
trying to write it down (“Cel-
ery, bananas, self-respect...”)
and I dropped my pen.
I realized something in that
single instant of listing and
loathing. I can’t do this any-
more. I just can’t.
The truth is, I’ve been sitting
in a corner of my bedroom, star-
ing at that pen, rocking back
and forth for hours. I don’t know
what to think anymore.
Everything my life is built on
is being questioned. Do I re-
ally love my wife? Was that mer-
cedes really worth $120,000?
Why am I paid so well for writing
lists? What is a list? What am I?
I tried writing out my prob-
lems as a list, then I drank a bot-
tle of whiskey.
The whiskey helped.
Help.
Posthumous Selfies
Save the Date!
SCC115, Student Centre
RSU holds two meetings each year where all members are
eligible to vote on important student issues, and help set the
direction of the students' union.
If you are a full time undergraduate students or a full or part
time graduate student, come to the Semi Annual General
meeting, share your views, and hear about the work of your
students union.
Submit motions for consideration
by Monday, November 3 @ 5pm
Email ed.communications@rsuonline.ca
RSU Semi-Annual
General Meeting:
Motions Due
Have an idea or an issue
you would like discussed?
RSU SEMI-ANNUAL
GENERAL MEETING
WEDNESDAY,
NOV 12 - 5pm
Please note that the deadline for motions related to
bylaw changes has passed
This sewer has a secret, and
what emerged will shock you
A comprehensive Scuzzfeed investigation
posted on Oct. 25, 2014 at 3:52 p.m.
Dan the plumber
ScuzzFeed Staff, Plumber
These days, it can be hard not to fall into a sinkhole of existen-
tial dread with no hope of ever returning to a functional reality.
We’ve compiled this list so you can finally confirm if you’re a
sentient being.
1. You think, therefore you are. That’s it. You are. Microsoft
Word says that’s not a sentence fragment. As far as Bill Gates
is concerned, you exist. And his privileged opinion is the only
one that matters!
2. Running your ravenous fingers through your dog’s fur is
like heaven on earth. How could you feel so many feels if you
didn’t exist?
3. You have free will. You can rise from your sedentary state
and prepare yourself some frozen taquitos, if you so choose.
You’ve been doing this for years. You ate so many frozen ta-
quitos as a youth that your blood composition is 46 per cent
frozen taquito. And you made that damn choice.
4. You see stuff happening. All around you, things are happen-
ing. Everything happens so much.
5. Nature — do you really think your weak, lacklustre subcon-
scious could manufacture the splendour of a mountain range
or the grace of a painted turtle? Your MFA is irrelevant. You’re
not that creative.
6. You have watched the entire Cosmos series, so you un-
derstand the science behind abstract concepts. Whether you
were baked or not, you likely had several epiphanies and finally
understood how insignificant you are and that dinosaurs are a
conspiracy theory.
7. You’re well read on Nietzsche’s philosophical ideology and
can hold an intellectual argument with a craft beer in your left
hand and the waxed tip of your mustache in your right.
8. You’re reading this article. Do you think a mad scientist who
has fabricated your entire reality would create watertight jour-
nalism doubting the very purpose of the experiment?
9. Capitalism! If capitalism exists, you exist and are a member
of the species of who established it (thanks!). Because why
would a single entity knowingly create that shit? No scientist
is that evil.
10. You spend your time reading list articles and consuming
various social media to curb your waning interest in everything
around you and stimulate your rapidly melting brain. Three
cheers for your delightful existence!
11. Flip a coin. Heads, you don’t exist. Tails, you still don’t ex-
ist but you’re OK with the ambiguity/shoddiness of reality. If
the coin gets sucked into a black hole, you exist. Cowabunga.
It began when Toronto officials investigated a case they called “dangerous and potentially
damaging to the space-time continuum.”
Reports came in last week of a closure on Victoria Street due to reports of glittered confetti
rising from the sewers. Shocked witnesses who saw the sparkling personification of the end
times described them as “magical and mesmerizing.”
That weekend, a Ryerson student who was definitely not holding an open beer in the middle
of the road informed campus security that there was music coming from the sewers. Security
sent him home and would not confirm allegations that they finished his beer.
Another student, who was openly stoned, noticed a white rabbit running around campus.
Being really, really high, he knew that he should follow the rabbit. He later told police that the
rabbit kept repeating, “I’m late for an important date.”
It is still unclear whether the rabbit actually existed, but in a far-reaching investigation by
Scuzzfeed that retraced that stoned student’s steps, one thing is clear. There is a network
of underground tunnels in the sewers of Toronto, connected to an abandoned portion of
the PATH. Chief City Planner Jennifer Keesmaat confirmed the region had originally been
called Wonderland. The only active building in the area was a branch of Target, apparently
positioned in what the American department store’s executives felt was a bustling downtown
street in Canada.
Deeper research determined that Lewis Carol was actually a chain-smoking, beer-chugging
Torontonian who based his classic novel on the creatures in Toronto’s underground. Genea-
logical records disagree on how much LSD was consumed in the creation of the novel.
The truly horrifying element of the case came several days after the tunnel was discovered,
when police canvassing Wonderland found a little blue dress crumpeld in a pile under a de-
crepit, gum-covered bench. A name tag on the dress read, “Alice.”
Officials belive the dress belongs to the victim of an abduction in 1865 and that Carol’s novel
is actually the true story of one of the nation’s oldest cold cases.
It is unclear whether the writer of this story did about as much LSD as Carol himself, which
some critics have suggested undermines Scuzzfeed’s peerless reporting.
We have decided to settle this the only way we know how. With a list.
1. This is a cooler story than the original story so suck it, haters.
2. No one has actually read Alice in Wonderland anyways, just seen the fucking Tim Burton
movie.
3. Suck it, haters.
11 ways to tell if
you actually exist
You think therefore you are?
posted on Oct. 16, 2014 at 9:52 p.m.
Emma Cosgrove
ScuzzFeed Staff
ScuzzFeeD
A PLAGUE UPON US
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Business Scientology, But For Toads Is Steve Here?
?
Oh, the Things in My Butt
LICE’s definitive guide to everything you can do with an ass, from smacking to packing
FEATURED
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Hell is a Paradise
Finding God in the
Bottom of a Basket of
Lattice Fries
LICE TODAY
Meet the Toronto Artist Who’s
Painting With Ebola to Fight ISIS
In a world of Orwellian governments, neverending tumult and ever-
present fear, one artist is taking matters into her own hands and
fighting fire with Ebola.
Oct 29 2014 | I Wish I Could Be Hunter S. Thompson | NotSports
I Fucked a Toaster So I Can Relate
More With Slices of Bread
Every day I eat toast I wonder “what is the traumatic experience of
toasting really like?” The only answer was to strip down, lube up and
push in. I’ll never look at my kitchen the same again.
Oct 29 2014 | Writer formerly known as Dickbutt | AlmostPorn
Why Cats Are the New Hats and Hats
Are the New Condoms
Fashion is like primordial ooze. It freaking evolves and makes weird
shit. This week in trendy New York town a bunch of hipsters started
putting pussies on their heads and toques on their cocks.
Oct 29 2014 | Phillium H. Whitey | Eating?
We Shoved a Molotov Cocktail Up
Our Ass While Railing Crystal Meth
Sometimes our writers get confused about how many drug and riot
stories they should pitch, so shit like this happens every couple of
weeks. It was actually much more enlightening than you would think.
Oct 29 2014 | Terrence Technophobe | News(ish)
DOS & DON’TS
DO
DON’T
DO DON’T
DO DON’T
How I Wrote A Country
Song Without Fucking
My Cousin
RACHEL WHERE IS SHE NEWS(ISH) ALMOSTPORN DAMMITSTEVE NOTSPORTS EATING? CROISSANTS
Canada
BLEET PSYCH WARD BAAH
69 420ish A lot
A Cool
Billion
M0RGUES ABSTRACT ANTFARMS BATH SALTS CUFFED JEANS G-SPOT VALIDATE MY OPINION
You Know What? You Write Your Own
Story You Judgemental Bastard
By JackJakSienna Newsington | Oct 29. 2014
When I frst heard about people injecting (caustic fuid) into their (body part), I honestly thought it would be about as enjoyable
as trying to sell (pork product) to an ISIS leader. But since the (Gov’t Bureau) is already breathing down my neck I thought, “(Hip
slang for “fuckit”), might as well give the bastards something to look at and try it anyway.”
Obtaining (caustic fuid) wasn’t exactly easy; it involved getting into a (vehicle), performing a (quick sex act) on a (ethnicity
and fringe subculture) and then (verb ending in “-ing”) my way through a (structure) constructed solely of (soft material). But
enough of my hardship, let’s get to the fun part.
We grabbed the nearest intern and ... what’s that? You thought I was gonna do it? Yeah right, what do you think we have all these
(adjective) (vaguely derogatory noun, plural) for? Anyway, we gave the (swear word) a couple of doses of (caustic fuid) and sent
the (synonym for scumbag) out to buy cigarettes. (amount of time) later we found the (swear word) in a (basically anything)
with (anything disgusting) pouring from their (orifce).
After our intern fnished seizing I went home, wrote this and called it journalism (bullshit validation for shitty article idea).
Day after day across this ignorant country people
make breakfast. Cereal, some milk, maybe some fruit
and, of course, toast. The night before, milk is milk
and fruit is fruit, but toast is bread.
I frst realized this revolutionary revelation while
watching looped reels of old riot footage and dream-
ing up my Lice pitches. Through a process of thermo-
dynamic toastifcation bread is transmogrifed. But, I
asked myself, does the bread WANT to change? Am I
forcing my bread to identify as something that it may
not be comfortable with?
Certainly, the base identity of rye, whole wheat or even cinnamon raisin is left in tact after the toasting process, but the texture
and temperature have been changed beyond recognition. To understand this terrifying and traumatic experience I knew I had
to whip out my dick and fuck the living shit out of my toaster.
It makes perfect sense: By toasting my Johnson I will be able to understand the metamorphosis of my yeasty companion. For
once, breakfast would make me.
“Shhhh, I know,” I whispered as I began to disrobe. “This is what’s best for both of us.”
I took out my breadstick and placed it in the second slot. In preparation for my transformation I threw my head back and said
a prayer in my head. My fnger pushed the button down to begin the process.
Sparks started fying immediately. Actual fucking sparks. Sparks of fucking. My bush caught on fre and I was reminded of
Moses. Seizing on the foor, cock being electrocuted into singed oblivion, I had the moment of clarity I so desperately sought:
This is the terror of being toasted.
To this day I eat my bread cold and soft, the same way that bastard toaster left my precious package.
I Got Hot and Toasty With My Toaster
By Mangela Arie Tennessey | Oct 29. 2014
Meet the Fuckups Behind
Gould Street’s Paint Job
By Ballison Belkin | Oct 29. 2014
LICE: So ... Who are you two exactly?
T3rry$: Well, I’m T3rry$, which is spelled with a $ not a goddamn &, alright? This is
my partner Tar-Mac.
Tar-Mac: What up LICE bitches?
T3rry$: And together we’re the biggest road artist duo in the Dot.
You mean street artists?
Tar-Mac: NO MOTHERFUCKER! We’re road artistits so friggin’ ergo vis-à-vis we are
redefning how society views road art. At frst it was just dirt, right? Then there were
those broken up lines brought in by the pioneers of road art.
T3rry$: Those frst guys, they were some real noble dudes. It was safety plus
aesthetic, y’know? Art as law. Then there are people like us. Dudes and dudettes
branching out and exploring the true question: “Dafuq is a road?”
Okay, so the road is your canvas?
T3rry$: Is your face your canvas? Fucking ignorant amatures. I can’t believe you
asked that.
Sure. So back to the whole Gould Street deal. How did Ryerson hire you?
Tar-Mac: That’s a great story, yo. We were working on our last project titled “Roads
For People,” where we would draw shit in chalk on those weird mini-roads you always
see next to real roads. We noticed tons of people using the mini-road system so we
thought we’d do some shit. Then one day we were chalkin’ and this Sheldon Levy
dude tripped over us.
T3rry$: Levbro was all, “I’m sorry dawgs,” and we were all, “S’all good mang, we ain’t
haters,” and he was like, “Ryerson doesn’t like haters either, come paint a fuckin’
road, boys.” So of course we said yes.
So ... what went wrong? You’re the road artists, why does the road look like a post-
apocalyptic Oz blew itself?
T3rry$: Of course you think that. You’re meant to think that because you’re an idiot
and don’t know shit about real road art.
Tar-Mac: T3rry is right, this is the art of life and death, creation and decay. We make
a pristine road with nice yellows and blues but leave it open to the elements. It peels
away layer by layer to reveal a more honest look at society. It’s art as order falling
into chaos, the circle of life bro. We’re doing deep, meaningful work and not at all
Fuck.
Tar-Mac: Um, you would say that ‘cause you’re ign’ant.
T3rry$: Honestly man we used a bunch of cheap-ass car paint so we could pocket
some of the cash. I’m pretty sure road art isn’t a real thing. My real name is Barry.
HELP PLZ PENIS STUCK
Canada
p r
preacher
report
NHL YYZ BBALL BASEBAT FULL SCOREBOARD >>
p/r NHL YYZ HAckey STEVE ATHLETES YOUR GIRLFRIEND TWEETS AT why are there so many leagues?
Show Ivan the money
HEADLINES
• Eggy gets “knocked the fuck out”
• Ryerson gets varsity ladder ball team
• Ryerson chess team to get gym time
• Rye to host paint drying tournament
1 Your favourite team still sucks
2 What the hell is this thing?
3 Balls are cooler than faces
4 Tom Brady: “Hey Lebron”
5 Lebron is trapped in this box
6 Don’t forget the CFL is a thing
top stories
Fat man plays
in the NHL
Is the puck in
deep enough?
Pan Am games
cost $1 trillion
New mayor not
a Leafs fan
TEAM
Cream
Derek Jeter admits
“baseball kinda
sucks”
via snail mail
North Korea
replaces Qatar for
World Cup
via carrier pigeon
Meet the newest
member of the
Blue Jays
via a real newspaper
Dion Phaneuf
makes a shit tonne
of money
via Canada Post
New tennis star
born
yesterday
via the CBC
ABC
110 % of athletes suck at math
Quack, quack,
quack, quack
Vegas to host
next NHL strike
JKL
Is he out? We will never know
It’s nice to share
with friends
Lorde new face
of LA Kings
5 5 3 7
Moose Jaw Piranha Mooses Yellowknife Cellofins
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MLB XYZ CFB Sports FULL SCOREBOARD >>
p/r Mhl FAStCARS Footypucks HoopBall Men Punching Men Sports without Jock straps BYE STEVE :(
BREAKING: Student athlete goes to
class, classmates surprised
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To the surprise of his classmates, a student athlete went to his politics lecture today. Students were
shocked when they were graced with the presence of the athlete they had thought was “too cool
for school.”
“To say I was caught off guard is an understatement,” said James Taylor, who teaches the Cana-
da and US relations class the student attended. “He just walked right in, sat in the front and even
asked me a couple questions.”
The class of 80 students has been going on for seven weeks now and has already written a midterm.
The final 1,000-word essay is due in two weeks and the final exam date has yet to be determined.
Davis Myers, who hasn’t missed a class in his six years at Ryerson, said he didn’t even know the school
had a hockey team but that he was glad those athletes wanted a proper education.
“There is more to life than extracurricular activities,” Myers, 75, said. “He looked like a regular guy
when I saw him, but today he was wearing a jersey. Pardon my french, but I thought to myself “Who the
heck is this guy?”
The athlete, who refused to give his name because he “didn’t think it was a big deal,” said he had been
going to class every week but just sat in the back and wore his hood up.
“I showed up one minute before class started this week and so the only seat open was in the front
row,” the athlete said. “I did the readings and then some and also got a 95 on the midterm, so calm your
shit.”
When asked why there is a stereotype that athletes don’t go to class, the athlete said, “wait, what
stereotype?”
As the class ended, the athlete pulled up his hood and vanished into the crowd. Reports from various
insiders said he had to go to practice.
Even with a hasty exit, he still left an impression on some.
“We made eye contact for two seconds and I almost died,” Shelby Martinez said. “He is like, the hottest
guy on the team. I just wish I knew his name.”
By Fabian Cocks, ram expert Oct. 29, 2014
Shoot score
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Maple Leafs to return to
Maple Leaf Gardens
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The Toronto Maple Leafs have come up
with a new solution to their dwindling atten-
dance numbers. Instead of lowering the ticket
prices to something people who don’t live in
Yorkville can afford, the team will move back
into its old home at 60 Carlton St.
The former Maple Leaf Gardens, now called the Mattamy Ath-
letic Centre, was renovated by Ryerson University to accommodate
their sports teams. The ice rink can seat 2,500 people, which is all
Tim Leiweke, Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) CEO,
said he needs.
“There are only about 2,000 people within a three hour drive
of Toronto who can afford Leafs tickets,” Leiweke said. “So this
way, if all those people come and some bring a friend, it will look
like we sold out.”
Early this year, the Leafs became the first pro-sports team to
have an average ticket cost of $1,500, breaking its own record of
$1,499. The Leafs have also not won a Stanley Cup in 47 years, in
case you forgot how sad the franchise is.
Leiweke said that MLSE was happy that Ryerson was willing to
give up using the building, especially after $60 million was spent
on renovations. The Loblaws, he added, was good for Phil Kessel,
who enjoys deli meats “as much as the next guy.”
“You know, MLSE is bleeding money and we can’t really afford
to build and run a smaller arena right now,” said Leiweke over the
phone while he drove his Porsche through Bridle Path. “Luckily for
us, Ryerson is a rich school from rising fees and they could afford
to just shell out all that money on an arena.”
In exchange for letting them use their facilities, the Ryerson
Rams hockey teams will now play at the Air Canada Centre (ACC).
The school will not pay for the teams to travel there or to practice
there. But they will offer $3 beer in shitty plastic cups and expect
to sell out the 19,800-seat arena every game.
The Toronto Raptors will also stay in the ACC because tickets for
them are still an affordable $300 a seat.
By Rob Toyota, food expert Oct. 29, 2014
5 4
Little Rock Piranha Mooses Melbourne Cellofins
Hallelujah
You Won’t Believe What
Happened Next, So Have
Some Fucking Faith
By Buster Hymen
Ballz
No One Thought She
Could Fit 15 Tennis Balls
There. Just Watch
By Matt Serbate
Zanzibar
Your Left Ear Will Fall
Off When You Hear
What This Stripper Said
By Justin Herass
Arachibutyrophobia
Try Not To Hyperven-
tilate When You See
This Badass Sandwich
Kiss ‘n Tell
You’ll Be Shocked When
You Find Out Who Sheldon
Levy Has A Crush On
By Max E. Pad
After Love
You Won’t Believe In Life
After Love, After Love,
After Love, After Love
By Ron Chee
The Navel Diaries
You Won’t Believe The
Truth About Taylor
Swift’s Bellybutton
By Seymour Weinner
Maskottchen
Eggy Met the Hamburglar.
You Won’t Believe What
Happened Next
By Dick Gozinya
Things don’t matter. We’re all going to die.
Photo: David Shankbone
Photo: David Carroll
Crocodile Rock
She Thought Crocs Were
A Sensible Shoe Choice. I
Pushed Her Off A Bridge
By Hugh Janus
The daycare centre advertises constructive learning activities and daily snacks.
What the daycare failed to mention is pickles. Dyll starts her mornings taste
testing until the acidity gives her a stomach ache that not even the strongest
dose of blood from a freshly sacrificed goat can cure. In the afternoon, the
children gather for a dive in the ball pit, except instead of balls: pickels. Dyll
must sort through a barrel of pickles removing those pickel-ruining stems. The
final portion of the day is spent tightening jars. Perhaps the most tragic part of
this tale is that little Dyll is allergic to pickles. She tries to tell her parents of
the misery that is her existence but her parents just think Dyll is asking for a
motherfucking pickle. Her tears are the secret ingredients to that tasty salty zing
we find in each and every jar of pickles.
If You Don’t Fill A Swim-
ming Pool With Tears
While Watching This, You
Have No Heart
Three Ways Being Am-
bidextrous Helps Your
Career, Unless You Only
Have One Arm
Listen To The Last
Thirty Seconds And
Tell Me Lizards Can’t
Be Racist
Do You Like Dill Pickles? This
Eight-Year-Old Will Convince
You Otherwise
You’ve Never Heard Of This
Athlete, But What He Did To
Get Arrested Will Make You
Want To Do The Conga
Curated by Daryl B. Payne
What pickle eaters look for while trying to select the optimal pickle is the quint-
essential balance between tang, crunch and minimal stem presence. But most
consumers fail to consider where those pickles actually come from. Who tight-
ens the jars? Who ensures that the juice-to-pickle ratio is just right? Meet Dyll
Pickal, the eight-year-old girl who spends day after day inside the Pickle Dickle
“daycare” centre — but what goes on behind those doors will shock you.
f
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try clicking on stuff, did you? You did? Omggggg lol! We were JK!
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Hear ye, hear ye, the eyeopener beckons
Holy rapid passage of time, Bat-
man, Eyeopener elections will
soon be upon us.
If you’re a current Ryerson
student with an interest in pho-
tography, journalism and design,
this is for you.
The Eyeopener holds elections
every semester for masthead
positions. In the fall, a position
opens up if the current editor is
either leaving the paper — boo!
— or running for another posi-
tion. In the winter, elections are
held for the following year, and
every position is open.
So, since this is the fall — un-
less you’re one of those time
travellers — we’re looking for
candidates for the following po-
sitions:
— 2 photo editors
— Communities editor
— 1 news editor
— Arts & life editor
— Media editor
— Online editor
— Fun editor
— Features editor
Come to our office at room
207 on the second floor of the
Student Campus Centre. Grab a
nomination form, fill it out and
you’re good to go.
Next week, we’ll publish the list
of eligible voters in this election.
ATHLETIC CENTRE
Puck Drops 11:00 am. vs. Toronto
OCTOBER 31
ST
, 2014
Halloween
Fun!
Take A Break To
Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2014
16

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