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Jokes for All Occasions

Jokes for All Occasions

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Published by Doggyy

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Published by: Doggyy on Apr 11, 2008
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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The wife of the profiteer discoursed largely on the luxuries of the new
country estate.

"And, of course," she vouchsafed, "we have all the usual
animals--horses, cows, sheep, pigs, hens, and so forth."

"Oh, hens!" the listener gushed. "Then you'll have fresh eggs."

"Really, I'm not sure. The hens can work, if they like, but of course in
our position, it's quite unnecessary--er, perhaps not quite suitable,
you know."

* * *

The advertisement offered for fifty cents a recipe by which to whiten
the hands and soften them. Girls who sent the money received the
following directions:

"Soak the hands three times a day in dish water while mother rests."

* * *

"Are you sure this handbag is genuine crocodile skin?" the woman asked
the shopkeeper.

"Absolutely," was the reply. "I shot that crocodile myself."

"But it is badly soiled."

"Well, yes, of course. That's where it hit the ground, when it fell out
of the tree."

* * *

Customer: "But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you
sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?"

Shopkeeper: "That comes from repairing them."


The cottager was crippled by rheumatism, and the kindly clergyman taught
him his letters, and put him through the primer and into the Bible. On

his return after a vacation, the clergyman met the cottager's wife.

"How does John get along with his reading of the Bible?" he asked.

"Oh, bless your reverence," she replied proudly, "'e's out of the Bible
and into the newspaper long ago."

* * *

The kindly clergyman, newly come to the parish, was at great pains to
teach an illiterate old man, crippled with rheumatism, his letters so
that he could read the Bible. On the clergyman's return after a short
absence from the parish, he met the old man's wife.

"And how is Thomas making out with reading his Bible?"

"Bless you, sir," the wife declared proudly, "he's out of the Bible and
into the newspaper long ago."

* * *

The physician advised his patient to eat a hearty dinner at night,
without any worry over the ability to digest it. The patient, however,

"But the other time when I came to see you, you insisted I must eat only
a very light supper in the evening."

The physician nodded, smiling complacently.

"Yes, of course--that shows what great progress the science of medicine
is making."

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