Little, Brown and Company

New York · Boston

Little, Brown and Company

THE OFFICIALLY TRUE HISTORY OF
THE WAR BETWEEN THE TAPPER TWINS
(CLAUDIA AND REESE)

CONTENTS

PROLOGUE

(i.e., the very,
very beginning)

CLAUDIA

It was sort of like this:

...and kind of like this:

REESE

lood
MetaWorld bred, but Dad
be
(should buy color printer)
won’t

NOT my fault (see above)

all the time!

wait a few years—
this will change

MOM AND DAD (Text messages copied from
Mom’s phone)
Claudia says she’s writing a book
about the incident

DAD

MOM
Like a novel?

No. Oral history. Interviews. Like that
zombie book. But real
Great! If published, will look good on
college apps
I’m worried it’ll make us look like bad
parents
How?
She wants us to participate
By interviewing us? I might have
time after Entek deal closes. Getting
crushed at work right now
No interview. Says she just wants to
quote from our text messages

I don’t like that
Me neither. But she already has all
of them
How?
I left my phone on the kitchen counter
last night
Tell her no
I tried. She got upset. Now I feel guilty
Ugh. Fine. Let her use them
Really?
Yes. If we don’t like the book, we can
always sue her to stop publication
Are you kidding? I can’t tell
I can’t either

Dad has not sued me.
(Yet.)

CHAPTER 1
THE GATHERING STORM

CLAUDIA

72ND ST

M

R
79TH ST T

MUSEUM OF
N AT U R A L H I S T O RY

good
dinosaurs

ANSVERSE

M

3RD AVE

LEXINGTON AVE
5TH AVE

CENTRAL PARK

PARK AVE

GUGGENHEIM
MUSEUM

M E T R O P O L I TA N
MUSEUM OF ART

good
burgers

M

even r
bettte
ar

MADISON AVE

apartment

CENTRAL PARK WEST

COLUMBUS AVE

AMSTERDAM AVE
B R O A D WAY

WEST END AVE
DRIVE

81ST ST

R
RIVE SIDE

W E S T S I D E H I G H W AY

M
86TH ST

UPPER
WEST SIDE

M

good art

UPPER
EAST SIDE

79TH ST

M

school

M

insane e
sho
$$$aces
pl

xcept my brother)
(e
)
ds
ea
th
ea
m
t
no
Culvert Prep (mostly
(and his friends)

REESE

our kitchen (site of toaster pastry argument)

e)
(m

(Reese

)

I paid $5 for th
flowers at deli ese
CLAUDIA

I only ate 2 of
these
REESE
Yes, it was!

had two!
CLAUDIA

REESE
Liar!
CLAUDIA

REESE

CLAUDIA

DICTIONARY
narf|

no results for narf.
did you mean barf?

REESE

CLAUDIA

REESE

CLAUDIA

REESE
war started!
CLAUDIA

REESE

CLAUDIA

REESE

CLAUDIA

REESE

site of major battle
(like Gettysburg or
Waterloo)

CLAUDIA

REESE

also not a real word

CLAUDIA

REESE

CHAPTER 1½
THE STORM IS STILL GATHERING

CLAUDIA

lawyer n
p o
(asleeuch)
co

r's
(lawyren )
popco

437 West End Avenue

Apt. 16E: slightly
famous actor
(was on sitcom in 198
0s)
14C: slightly less
famous novelist
there is no 13th
floor
9F: older lady who
STILL pinches m
y cheeks
in elevator
6E: friendly neigh
bors
6C: unfriendly ne
ighbors
6D: us
**(war did NOT start
here)**
2C: supercute
French bulldog

REESE

CLAUDIA

REESE

I ate this...

...BUT DID NOT DO THIS

CLAUDIA

REESE

CLAUDIA

CHAPTER 1¾
THE STORM STOPS GATHERING AND
STARTS STORMING

CLAUDIA

is awesome and has been my one and only

happened in the latest episode of Thrones of
Death

(actually
pronounced
“Yens”)

smiled at me on the first day when we were

Netherlands

utch =
D
=
s
rland
ry
Nethe cute count
very
dmills)
n
i
w
f
o
(lots

y, Sept. 8th 8:27 AM
da
on
M
a,
ri
te
fe
ca
ep
Culvert Pr

FEMBOTS
Kalisha/
Max/
etc.
der
a
r
g
8th ritory
ter

me
+
Sophie
soccer
idiots

7th grader
territory

me with the other hand, and then he yelled,

there were no bombs, or ships, or planes,

(I think this is what historians mean when

SOPHIE KOH, best friend of
innocent victim

crying
took place
here

CLAUDIA

SOPHIE

I have NO IDEA what Sophie
is talking about here

CLAUDIA

SOPHIE

CLAUDIA

SOPHIE

CLAUDIA

don't ask—
it's disgusting
SOPHIE

CLAUDIA

SOPHIE

CLAUDIA

and

SOPHIE

CLAUDIA

SOPHIE

CLAUDIA

SOPHIE

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