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sil |! va ll suena | | I) gi, ll ) pe a qn [fm Life According to Tyler Note: Be careful when reading this paper. I per- sonally thought some parts in it were so funny that I not only wet myself, but the person next to {Lwere stranded in the Alps, would you eat me? [am writing this paper for the enjoyment of my friends and for a very good grade in En- glish class. Many people think that the world we live in is great. Others think it stinks. I, on the other hand, think that the people who think it stinks, smell bad themselves. But I do have problems (pause) with it. The following isa list of things [hate and why, so get com- fortable. This is not the complete list however, for the complete list send me $20 and [il laugh at you. Thing I hate num- ber 1: Any combina- tion of the following: slow people, stupid people, old people, little kids, and stupid people. The places where you have contact with these people, that is when they're let out, are on roadways, in malls, in schools, in restaurants, fast food or slow, in grocery stores, or in any other public or private location. In short, I am saying that these people are everywhere. Now, you may disagree with my opinion: if so, too bad, because I don't really care. ‘You know who I'm talking about, so don’t deny it. Have you ever been driving down the road and get cut off by some moron who then slows down, to like 30? If it wasn't me Just out for a laugh, then you know what I mean. Or if you're at the ‘mall and there's this group of people taking up For those of you who disagree with this opinion, if you jumble up all the words in these sentences; you can make all new words in all new sentences the whole walkway, and they're going along, tak- ing their sweet-ass time looking at everything, like they make enough to actually afford it. Come on people, I know I'm not alone in this! Fast food restaurants, you love ‘em, I love ‘em—hey, they're almost as necessary as dfugs. [mean where else ‘would all the people who aren't qualified to de- liver papers or empty garbage cans go? Okay, you got me, they could become teachers. But most of them go to fast food restaurants—uh oh, now we have them on both sides of the counter. This is an example of what | mean: Customer: * Id like a large Coke. “Cash- ier: “OK. what size?” Customer: “That's a good question. Here's five dollars to leave me alone.” Cashier: “Ican't take your money. Throw it on the floor and I'll pretend I found it.” Cus- tomer: “OK. Goodbye.” This may seem a little far-fetched: believe me, it is. If you ever meet someone this stupid, téll him or her to give me a call. Ihave no real complaints against old people or little kids, unless they're behind the wheel or trying to talk to me. Thing I hate number 2: Christmas. On the outside, this holiday may seem all nice and happy but it isn't. For those of you who disagree with this opinion, if you jumble up all the words in these sentences, you can make all new words in all new sentences. Back to Christmas. Why do ‘we celebrate Christmas? Some people will tell you {t's to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. That sounds fine if only he were born on the 25th. 1 mean, the Bible was written by one guy who ad- mitted he made everything up, and the dates he gave have no correlation to life on this planet, but hey, my sister had to come from somewhere. And this whole gifts thing, come on. It's like Hallow- een and Valentine’s Day--greeting card companies ringa bell? How much did you spend on stuff for other people? I'm not ashamed to say how much Ispent. A little more than what Scott H. makes in an hour and if you know who I'm referring to, that's a lot. And for what? To make people I'see every day not hate me? Come on, if you know me ‘no amount of stuff in the world can make you not hate me. ‘Thing hate number 3: Nature. Iadmit, most of the time, nature is nice and pleasant and makes you feel all warm inside. But sometimes, it just irks me. All ask for is one, just one, tornado to land on my sister. Come on, is that too much to ask? Seriously though, you sit in class, listening to the dull rambling of a teacher and look out the window and it looks like a scene from Bambi, you know, when everything's on fire. Just kidding, Tm not out there. You know, everything's perfect and you wish you were there. When that last bell rings, you go running outside, and by then, it's raining. Or when you wake up and think to your- self, “IfI stayed home today. I would discover life on another planet and the cure to AIDS." You look outside and there's just enough snow and ice on the ground to make things dangerous enough so that while you're walking down to the bus, you slip and fall on your ass and everyone laughs at you, so I've heard. ‘Thing I hate number 4: You. Thing Ihate number 5: School buses. School buses are not like airplanes. They are all painted the same color. They don't serve food, or drinks (f you know what I mean). And forget about a movie. But in some ways they are similar. They can both fly, if the bridge is high enough. And they both hold a lot of people. This carrying ca- pacity in reference to buses is one thing I hate. Putting hundreds of kids together in one place may seem like a good idea—'m not going to touch that one—but what the people making these de- cisions don't take into account are the feelings and well-being of the kids themselves. This is how plagues are started, people! And what about self-esteem? How would you like to ride around ina big, yellow, loser cruiser? You wouldn't and neither do we. For anyone out there reading this with any influence in anything, suggest to some- one with more influence in something else to get individual buses for each student and paint them all different colors. This way, no one can be made fun of, except by me, and no plagues are started, again except by me. TPiine tate number 6: The Lottery. Bveryone ‘goes out and spends their hard-earned money on Lotto tickets. They sit around the TV waiting to see if they won, which they haven't. The win- ner turns out to be some ninety-year-old lady who's going to die and leave all her money to her cats. Or the winner is a banker or a lawyer or someone who doesn't need money at all and who's Just going to start a drug cartel or a pimpdom and make more money. I'think the Lottery win- ners should be deserving people, like my friends and me. Believe me when I tell you, I wouldn't spend all the money on myself. I would spend it on my frends and myself and make sure people Uke you are kept locked up far away from me. ‘The End. ‘The preceding may have been offensive to some people. Iso, you shouldn't have read it. Tler Lada 98 14