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NEW HAVEN EDITION
MARCH 2015

THE ONLY MAGAZINE AT YALE ABOUT STUFF AT YALE

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50 M
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VOL 22 ISSUE 3

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2015

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2

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

The Only Magazine at Yale about Stuff at Yale.

Truffle Butter
EDITORS-IN-CHIEF
Aaron Berman
Nick Henriquez

Anaconda
PUBLISHERS
Claudia Shin
David Whipple

Lookin Ass
MANAGING EDITORS
Mary Kate Dilworth
Patrick Doolittle
Adam Sokol
Rebecca Wolenski

Starships
STAFF
Viviana Andazola Marquez
Jackson Blum
Sonali Chauhan
Jordan Coley
Allex Desronvil
Emma Goldberg
Adelaide Goodyear
Chelsea Guo
Alicia Lovelace
Corey Malone–Smolla
Marissa Medansky
Clara Mokri
Lucas Riccardi
Alex Saiontz
Jenna Selati
Yondeen Sherpa
Haley Sproull
Teddy Thum
Daniel Tovbin

Super Bass
LOB

Andrea Villena

Beez In The Trap
SPECIAL THANKS
All Our Alumni
Keystone Light Camo Can
216 Dwight
Spring Break
YD“N” Online Search Tool
Twitter
Saybrook College Council
Popeye’s
Espresso Makers
Sex Techno
Rumpus is a non-profit, non-partisan, non-violent monthly
student publication published by RTA Publications and
registered with the Yale College Dean’s Office. Yale
College is in no way responsible for itscontent, though
it did orchestrate the niggardly coup (you know, thatone)
in order to finance Dean Miller’s superfluous infusion
ofadamantium into her skeleton. Hopefully this will go a
long in waymaking up for that thin skin. Yeah, that diss
hurt, Mary. We have feelings too, you know.
Any reproduction, re-transmission or
rebroadcast without express consent, implicit or supercilious, from Rumpus Magazine, its parent organizations,
and its bastard offspring affiliations. By acknowledging
Rumpus’s existence and binding yourself to our cause,
you hereby pledge to do everything in your power to
cultivate the burgeoning romance between Sam Miles and
Phoebe Hinton. In accordance with the Bloomian prophesy,
Sam and Phoebe, after many years of stolen glances and
playful groping, will ultimately consummate their love
on the bed and with the approval of Master Marvin Chun.
Their subsequent doubly-mulatto spawn will then go on
to have the best good hair this nation has ever seen. All
members of the Yale community are entitled to one copy
per household. Failure to comply with this regulation will
result in the swift defenestration of Paul Freedman from the
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purchase a monthly subscription (good luck with that) of
Rumpus please provide us with the dried placenta of your
firstborn child. Placentae can be mailed to Rumpus, PO Box
205659, Yale Station, New Haven, CT 06520. Subscribe
now to help us overthrow the evil reign of Taylor Swift
over Paul Freedman’s heart.

The Rump’s View
Dear readers,
The process of compiling this year’s
edition of Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful
People has driven us deep into the
Rumpus archives and left us yearning for
the good old days. The pre-Internet days
when brazen laureates would pose nude
in the pages of 50 Most without fear of
jeopardizing their future employment
prospects. The post-Internet, pre-TMZ
days when Rumpus literally had to settle
a $10,000 libel lawsuit for calling a New
Haven property manager a “slumlord.”
The pre-post-Rick Levin days when
Rumpus could print an issue containing
the word “fuck”—nay, with it gracing our
cover—without sending every freshman
YD“N” columnist into a tizzy.
While reaching out to alumni (22
years’ worth!) regarding this year’s
issue, we came to realize just how timehonored of an institution 50 Most
is. Older than Ariana Grande and the
entire Class of 2018, 50 Most is at
once a tradition, a company of hotties,
a society of egomaniacs. Since 1993,

Yalies have placed their trust in Rumpus
to compile a list of the most beautiful
among them for purposes of celebration,
condemnation, and even masturbation.
Yet, despite what you may read in the
Herald or YD“N” or Broad Recognition,
creating the issue in your hands is no
cakewalk. First and foremost, objective
beauty is stupid and doesn’t exist.
With that out of the way, we strive to
be as subjective as humanly possible—
sometimes beautiful people are boring,
mean, or both, and it’s up to us to
separate the beautiful and interesting
wheat from the beautiful and jejune
chaff. Second, we ruin our grades and
sleep schedules compiling scores of
profiles and photos. Yet the third step is
the most precarious: we turn over our
beautiful, 50-headed baby to you, the
people of Yale, and pray you’ll treat it
with the same love we put into making
it.
Special thanks go out to all the writers,
editors, and photographers who
dedicated their precious time to this issue

THE NEXT 50:

during the dead of winter and the height
of midterm season.
Finally, an UNBELIEVABLY huge
shoutout to a few alumni whose wit,
support, and generosity made the
printing of this issue possible: Jessica
Weare, Kai Thaler, Jay Servidea, Jared
LeBoff, Mike Dunham, Lydia Stepanek,
Joseph Gruenspecht, Matt Johnson, and
Diana Peterfreund.
As always, enjoy until you can’t peel the
pages apart. And if you’re itching for
more of the beauties you see within, be
sure to purchase a ticket to our launch
party on April 1. We’re sworn to secrecy
about its proceedings, but we promise it
won’t ruin your chances at an I-banking
internship next summer.

Love,

Aaron Berman &
Nick Henriquez
Editors-in-Chief

THOSE WHO
JUST MISSED

Viviana Andazola Marquez, Aaron Berman, Rhythmic Blue, Jackson Blum, Jamie Cahill,
Sonali Chauhan, Jordan Coley, Mary Kate Dilworth, Patrick Doolittle, Javier Duren, Charlotte
Ferenbach, Lucy Fleming, Tyler Foggatt, Yombe Fonkeu, Karlee Fuller, Les Gayz Groupme, Matt
Goldklang, Chelsea Guo, Emma Hammarlund, Nick Henriquez, Austen James, Rianna JohnsonLevy, Mac Lee, Chloe Lizotte, Alicia Lovelace, Corey Malone-Smolla, Clara Mokri, Chocolate
Moose, Henos Musie, Warner Overhauser, The Pundits, Sasha Pup, Jacqueline Qiu, Stephany
Rhee, Lucas Riccardi, Renata Rique, Micah Rodman, Alex Saiontz, Peter Salovey, Jenna Selati,
Yondeen Sherpa, Claudia Shin, Adam Sokol, Haley Sproull, Isaac Stanley-Becker, Teddy Thum,
Kyle Tramonte, Andrea Villena, David Whipple, Rebecca Wolenski

3

RUMPUS
MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com

RUMORS, TRUTHS WE COULDN’T PROVE, AND OTHER ALLE­GATIONS
Temperatures in New
Haven finally rose above
40 over break, heralding
the official kickoff of
Vineyard Vines shorts
season. Snow may
be disappearing from
the ground and spring
may be just around the
corner, but this past
winter was, for many
reasons, the most
miserable on record.
After being inundated
with inquiries regarding
misplaced coats one
Saturday night, a
certain sorority panlist
tipped sisters off to a
mysterious weekend
visitor from Cornell who
allegedly stole a pile of
expensive winter jackets
from Box—all while
wearing a tacky plastic
tiara.
In further sororityrelated fuckery, which
50 Most alumna recently
emailed her sorority’s
panlist to request that

every sister like her
new profile picture on
Facebook?
Rounding out this
installment of Greek life
gossip, a sister entered
her sorority’s house to
find an unidentified
hooded figure asleep on
the couch. Suspecting
the intruder was a
middle-aged homeless
woman, the alarmed
sister called the police,
who quickly arrived to
awaken said stranger.
A quick inspection
revealed that the
“intruder” was, in fact,
the boyfriend of a
house resident—and a
current 50 Moster, to
boot.
Freshman Screw is
always a troubling
time and especially
so when long-distance
relationships come
into play. All good
things must come

to an end, including
the relationship of
one freshman whose
boyfriend had come to
visit for the dance. The
breakup was apparently
so distressing that this
frosh slept-walked to
where she thought was
her boyfriend’s hotel
room, ended up in
Vanderbilt Entryway E,
and peed on the floor of
a random girls’ suite.
Feel better, bb.
Mexico is near and dear
to Rumpus’s heart for
many reasons—one of
which being the endless
supply of Spring Break
stories it so generously
provides us. Which
sophomore was arrested
in Cabo for whippin’
his dick out in broad
daylight, getting into
a fight with an elderly
man, and telling the
police to go fuck
themselves, ultimately
requiring one of his

friends to bail him out of
Mexican prison?
Which group of
juniors was offered a
smorgasbord of soft and
hard drugs by a Puerto
Vallarta taxi driver, who
himself indulged in a
quick bong hit while
driving the moving
vehicle with no hands
on the steering wheel?
Finally, because
everything at this school
stopped making sense
years ago, a group
of Vanderbilt Hall
residents may soon
be facing ExComm
for repeatedly pelting
a freshman female’s
room door with rotting
dining hall fruit. Kids
these days will do
literally anything for
attention—we blame
Kylie Jenner. ■

By the Numbers
Every year, the extensive nomination and voting
process Rumpus undertakes to produce 50 MOST
creates a fuck-ton of raw data—perhaps the largest
pseudo-scientific study of Yale student attractiveness
since they used to take nude photos of everyone in
the 60s. For the first time ever, we’ve decided to share
some of the insights we gleaned from our initial list
of nominees (almost 500 students, or 10% of the
student body) and the Rumpus staff voting data that
was used to narrow down the final 50.
Most Beautiful College: SAYBROOK, with the most
nominees, most votes, and a devastatingly high
average of 4.23 votes per nominee.
Least Beautiful College: JONATHAN EDWARDS—
with the fewest nominees (only 10!), fewest total
votes, and a very low average of 2.3 votes per
nominee.
HOWEVER, even more interesting:
Most Overrated College: BRANFORD—with the
second-highest number of total nominees (33 to SY’s
35), but with the fewest votes per nominee—only
1.67.
Most Underrated College: SILLIMAN—with only
12 nominees, but a very impressive 3.67 votes per
nominee.  ■

4

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

If this is the first time singing voice. Everyone here
you’re seeing this name, sings; but only a few people
you probably never leave SING, if you know what
your room (which Rumpus we mean (it means she’s
completely understands), really good). And Keren’s
or are in TD or something undeniably one of them.
(which we totally do not). She’s the front woman for
Or maybe you’ve just seen Slam Dank—the glorious
her,
running
artistic brainchild
down the street,
of
Keren,
a
late to some class
Whiffenpoof,
on post-colonial
and
two
Latin
music,
instrumentalists.
most beautiful You know when
waving to every
single
person
SINGING your friends drag
she
passes.
SENSATION you somewhere
And you’re like
and they’re like,
“Damn, what’s that girl’s “There’s gonna be a band
name?” And your friend there” and you’re like, “It
who’s slightly cooler than better be that one with that
you is like, “Dude, you’ve girl”? That’s Slam Dank.
never seen Slam Dank??”
A senior, Keren currently
And that’s when you see it, sings with Whim ‘n
flashing before your mind’s Rhythm; before that, she
eye: the Facebook event. was in Shades for three
You were invited and you years, where she held down
were into it but you only the V-Day Jam and your
responded “maybe.” And— Master’s weird Camp Yale
Facebook stalking from parents reception (you can
afar—even your mom was probably blame her for
like, “Who does that?”
all the times you’ve been
It’s impossible to talk caught attempting “Fallin’”
about Keren Abreu (TC ’15) in the shower). Though
without talking about her she’d never admit it, Keren’s

achieved what Rumpus and
people who run for the
YCC strive for on a daily
basis: #campus #stardom.
And yet somehow, she
remains humble and driven,
exceptionally caring and
multi-faceted.
There’s a lot more to
Keren than her singing
voice. Rumpus remembers
attending a Slam Dank
concert once at the radio
house and, beyond the
spectacle, being shocked
by the contingency of
twenty Trumbull freshmen
screaming Keren’s name
from one corner of the
basement. That’s because
Keren’s also a FroCo—just
one of her myriad campus
responsibilities. She works
with public school students
in New Haven and teaches
Splash and Sprout classes.
As if that’s not enough, she’s
also a Master’s Aide. We
even have reason to believe
that she takes classes.
Hailing from the Bronx
and heading for Chicago,
Keren Abreu has certainly
left her mark on Yale’s

When parents of 50
Most-ers learn that their
progeny has been bestowed
with Yale’s greatest honor,
they typically react with
tears of joy, letters of
gratitude to Rumpus, and
self-congratulatory
pats
on the back for creating

In high school (which was
less than a year ago—attn:
all
you
cradle-robbing
SWUGs. You know who you
are.), he was voted “Hottest
Hottie,” a title which earned
him “ungodly amounts of
shit.”
Despite these accolades,

KEREN
ABREU

Photo by Ihna Mangundayao

evolutionarily
successful
offspring. Not Josh Totte’s
(SY ’18).
“They’re going to laugh
in my face,” he told us.
At this point, Josh is
used to his family mocking
him for being really, really,
ridiculously good-looking.

Photo by John Chirikjian

campus. “I’m gonna be really
sad to go” she affirms, as we
chat in the corner of Koffee.
With only three months left,
she’s excited to be planning
her next moves, and Rumpus
is excited to watch them. “I
just feel so at home here,

though. My friends are
here. My life is here. I miss
it so much when I leave,” she
says, and then checks her
watch. Some kid she knows
offered to record her band
for free in the TD recording
studio, so she has to go.

“Also it’s gonna suck so
much when I have to pay for
music equipment.”
—PATRICK
DOOLITTLE

Josh seemed genuinely
surprised that he was chosen
for so prestigious an honor,
calling the system “pretty
messed up.” At first, he
couldn’t even name his most
attractive feature, though he
ultimately conceded that his
Varsity Soccer teammates
admire his bright
blue eyes. (His
teammates
are wrong. Or
perhaps they don’t
want to admit it’s
his ass.)
If you’re hoping
to gaze into those
eyes
one-onone, dear reader,
Josh is currently
single and always
ready to mingle.
He spends many
a night out at
Sigma Nu, where
he pledged this
semester.
When
you
first see him,
don’t let your
astonishment
get in the way of
conversation—

Josh loves an intelligent girl
whom he can talk to, as well
as one who is “genuinely
nice” (everyone has their
fetish, apparently). Be ready
to cut a rug: other than selfcenteredness, Josh’s biggest

pulled out all the stops for
a second date with a girl.
He borrowed his dad’s
convertible and drove his
date to the Baylands, a
sex club masquerading as
a nature preserve in Palo
Alto. Just as things were
getting bootylicious, four
police cars surrounded Josh’s
car. Ultimately, Josh’s first
introduction to his date’s
parents wasn’t under ideal
circumstances. But not only
did he end up dating this girl
for two years, Josh ended up
befriending her dad, who
turned out to be a “pretty
cool guy”. So if you’re ever
in a situation involving a
girl you really like and law
enforcement, Josh simply
recommends, “Stick to
your guns. And don’t get
arrested”.
As Josh left his interview,
Rumpus was blown away
by the striking allure of this
beauteous specimen. We
hated to see him go, but
loved to watch his ass leave.
—MARY KATE
DILWORTH

JOSH
TOTTE

most beautiful

GLUTES
turnoff is someone with
two left feet. Also, shower
beforehand: the worst date
he’s even been on was with a
girl who smelled bad.
“I think she was wearing
an unfortunate perfume”, he
said generously.
If you get a chance to
date this catch, get ready to
be swept off your feet—he
loves spontaneity. And don’t
worry about Josh meeting
your parents—his perky
tush winning smile and
personality can charm even
the sternest of parents. It
certainly has in the past.
A few years ago, Josh

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
Photo by Julia Henry

The other day, Rumpus TEN. SECTION. TEN.”
sat down to Stiles dinner Nick shook his head with
with a regular Rolf and the most twinkly of frat-star
a regrettable dearth of chuckles before hanging up
schnitzel. “Climb every to explain, “I’m taking this
mountainnnn, date annyyy class with my friends and
hills,” we sang in the joyous we’re all in the same section,
presence of this varsity- but no one knows where the
golfing Von Trapp. “Isn’t it section is, or which one it is.”
‘Ford every stream’?” Nick Nick describes the classes
McNiff (MC ’17) corrected he’s taking this semester as
“meaningful.”
us, pleading
T h o u g h
with his eyes
you may know
that I get me
Nick from any
to a nunnery.
number
of
His favorite
most beautiful highly populated
food, in fact,
is
neither
GOLFER classes, or by his
older
brother
schnitzel nor
Henry Albrecht, but kale. and former Sigma Nu
“Love kale,” explained Nick, president known around
as his last comment on the campus as “Nick’s older
brother,” Nick has really
subject.
Born just outside of made a niche for himself
Philadelphia in Plymouth at Yale as “genuinely a
Meeting, Nick McNiff has really nice guy.” Trip-mates
left one of the U.S.’s most from his summer abroad
historic cities to study experience in Brazil recall
history at Yale. “I thought that Nick was mostly a
about majoring in math and calming presence, yet always
philosophy for a while…” “up for anything.” He
but here Nick interrupted arrived in São José do Rio
himself to answer a call. “No, Preto a few days late with a
dude, Max, we’re section black eye, but left the land

NICK
MCNIFF

The story of Elena
Saavedra
Buckley
(SM ’18) is one of
overcoming hair-related
adversity. Elena’s hair
was straight until the
6th grade, when it
began to grow in
curly because puberty.
A year later, Elena
straightened her hair
every single day. “I
knew my hair had
potential, but I just
wasn’t ready to let it
be curly,” Elena told
me, justifying the fact
that she used to use olive
oil and vinegar to tame
her crop. The last time
Elena ever straightened
her hair was her 8th
grade dinner dance: “It
took me two hours to
straighten my hair that
night. I realized that
straightening my hair
was a burden on me
and burden on others,
and I never did it again.”
Elena has grown to
appreciate her hair, and
her likeness to Marida,
Disney’s most badass
of futebol with
a coração full of
love for learning
about
Latin
American cultura,
and a penchant
for dropping mad
português between
English palavras.
Brazilian rum and
rubber production
still haunt him
to
this
day.
Currently enrolled
in
Professor
Stuart Schwartz’s
History of Brazil
course, Nick plans
to weave into his
midterm,
final,
and Portuguese
section tales of a
whimsical journey
through a favela in
search for puppies
and the summit of
Rio de Janeiro’s iconic Dois
Irmãos.
At this point I informed
him that just like during
his Campus Cutie 2k14
interview,
we
would
now go into a suddendeath lightning round of

princess, has not gone
unnoticed.
Elena’s
high
school
volleyball team called her
“Big Red.” Once, while
playing
a
particularly

ELENA
SAAVEDRA
BUCKLEY
most beautiful

DISNEY CHARACTER
strenuous game of volleyball,
Elena’s cheeks became so
flushed that the entire crowd
started chanting “Raggedy
Anne.” Such were the ways of
the bullies in Albuquerque.
Growing up in the desert,
Elena owned chickens,
played
classical
piano,
stargazed, contemplated her
own insignificance, cooked
meth, and was the only
female member of a high
school gang called “The
Brodeo,” every member of
which identified with one
specific member of the band
Pearl Jam. (As Rumpus has

never left our Old Campus
basement lair, we imagine
that this is a typical life in the
Southwest.) At Yale, Elena is
in DS (sucks), and she loves
DS (also sucks), but she is
also in TUIB (pretty neat).
Elena thinks all Yale
men fit in to one of three
tiers: really douchey, a little
douchey, and musician. “I
think I find myself more in
the instrument crowd, but
the douchey guys are also
great,” she explained to us.
Good news for all of Yale’s
douchebags: there’s still
hope!
Try taking Elena on a date
to eat cool sandwiches in a
place that has dim lighting,
but not dim in a romantic
way—that’s Elena’s preferred
date, but it won’t be enough
to win her over. To truly
catch Elena’s interest, you
need to “have potential to
be a cool dad—you probably
own a pair of Keens, and
you definitely have a good
beard going.” Yet Elena
doesn’t want kids when
she is older—only animals.
“One can transfer the good

5

dad qualities to being a
good owner of chickens and
goats.”
Elena has a love for
things you used to see on
children’s TV channels, like
SeaWorld. When Elena
went to SeaWorld camp in
fourth grade, her Bermuda
shorts fell completely off
as she was walking on deck
next to the dolphin tanks.
However, paradise has been
lost. “I saw Blackfish and
now I feel really guilty about
going to SeaWorld Camp.”
Elena feels similarly about
Amanda Bynes; “I miss the
Amanda Show.”
Basically, Elena is your
stereotypical New Mexican
girl interested in astronomy,
King Lear, marine mammals,
classical music, and bird
watching—and she’s easily
one of the straight-up coolest
people Rumpus has ever had
the pleasure of interviewing.
Elena, while our time with
you was fleeting, if you ever
want to be our Tchaikovsky,
we’ll be your Walter White
;-).
—ADAM SOKOL

Photo by John Chirikjian
questions. After he swore
to tell the truth with one
hand in the air and the other
firmly suctioned to a Blu-ray
copy of One Direction: This is
Us (2013), we proceeded:
Rumpus: What’s it like
to be an athlete at Yale on the

varsity Golf Team?
NM: Yeah, it’s great. It’s
not my defining feature...
R: Is Sig Nu?
NM: Actually can I show
you this video of a guy
drinking beer off the shed
from Australia Day last year?
R: Favorite Movie?

NM: Step Up.
R: Celebrity crush?
NM: Hmm … I’m
thinking of the girl from Step
Up now. I like Channing
Tatum too. Great dancers.
—ALICIA LOVELACE

6

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Ladies, a new storm is
coming in and it isn’t another
blizzard. Rather, it’s the hot
and hunky Brazilian Antonio
Guimarães (SM ’18). This
gent is beautiful, cultured
and smart. Seriously, ladies,
tell your mothers there is a
man out there that fulfills

years. Antonio is also on the
club soccer team, and most
recently an SAE pledge.
Antonio grew up in Rio
de Janeiro, Brazil (smart
and Brazilian, yeah, we
know). He loves the big city
life. “I love the beach life;
everyone is just so relaxed.”
He isn’t looking for
any neurotic types, so
if you are one of those
psychos, please stay
away.
most beautiful
Antonio claims to
BRAZILIAN (WAX) be your average nice
guy. When asked what
everything they want for his best quality was, he
you. Interested in economics responded, “I try to make
and math, Antonio simply everyone happy.” Well, that’s
loves being at Yale. When nice. When asked about his
asked what his favorite part biggest flaw, he spoke about
about the Yale experience his competitive edge. “Your
was, he commented on this first impression of me might
semester’s snow day.
get screwed because I’m so
“When classes were competitive.” Antonio sure
canceled, there were already likes to prove his dominance.
like 10 parties. Everyone just Ladies, who’s into that? Start
wants to have fun. I love it.” lining up.
Antonio even went to Spring
So, what’s the most
Fling as a prefrosh last embarrassing thing that’s
year so if you missed your ever happened to Antonio?
chance there, don’t worry, “My first frat party was at
he’s here for another four ADPhi, and I was rushing

ANTONIO
GUIMARÃES

and
slipped
on
the stairs.” Wait,
that’s
the
most
embarrassing thing
that’s ever happened
to you? Are you
serious? He must
either be perfect or,
more likely, lying.
Having
grown
up in Rio de Janeiro,
Antonio is used to the
club scene. Coming
to Yale, he started
playing beer pong
and flip cup and, in
his own words, “I’m
pretty good.” So what
is a man like Antonio
looking for in a
woman, you ladies
might ask? “I look for
someone interesting
and
beautiful.”
Cliché much? Yes.
Hopelessly romantic?
Yes. Yes. Yes. He
doesn’t like it when
the ladies play hard to get
so please, throw him a bone,
extend him an olive branch,
fling him a Canada Goose
jacket, do whatever you need
to do to satisfy your frat bro

cravings.
So, would-be suitors,
what should you expect
from a date with Antonio?
Probably a fancy dinner at
the one and only Sushi on
Chapel. His favorite part

about the Theta Dining
Hall: “I like the purple rice.”
That’s deep.
On a serious note,
Antonio is a great guy with
great intentions. Seems
like a normal guy with

extraordinary beauty. He’ll
kill you with kindness,
along with those gorgeous
Brazilian-bred eyes.
—DANIEL TOVBIN

come Saturday night, Araba
often faces a difficult choice:
grab a guy or grab a steak
sandwich. And knowing her,
it’s not surprising which one
she chooses.
But as the Bard once

came and ate some food,
then I went back to my room.
Then I went to 12 Pack
because they were ordering
pizza. Oh, and I also picked
up Chinese in between the
two things.”
You wouldn’t guess it
from her slender, six-footsomething frame, but Araba
leads what she calls a “foodcentric” life.
Going out? Gotta grab
a bite. An ideal romantic

evening? “Again, foodcentric.” But nothing so
mushy as a date, which
could distract Araba from
her food. “Maybe dinner and
watching television. Like on
a couch.”
But
Araba
is
currently
in
what
she calls a “romantic
hibernation”—lately,
no one has been lucky
enough to curl up
with her on the couch
to “share an order of
General Tso’s,” as the kids
are calling it these days.
But don’t take this as an
invitation. Rather than
“single and ready to mingle,”
Araba describes herself as
“single and fed up with
everyone.”
But maybe it’s more
than the bitter, shrinkageinducing New Haven winter
that’s left Araba uninterested
in Yale men. One of Araba’s
favorite foods is a steak, egg
white, cheese and onion
sandwich from G-Heav, yet
chowing down on such a
pungent snack “means that
your night is really over.” So

some stuff,” she says). She’d
also want her guy to be
outgoing, but not so much
that he “always has to be the
big man in the room.” At
the same time, Araba says
she wouldn’t date anyone
shorter than her.
At this point, we launched
into an extended discussion
of the merits and history
of General Tso’s chicken:
Which restaurant makes it
the best? What about when
you’re drunk? Is there any
difference between General
Tso’s and Sesame Chicken?
Who is General Tso? Is it
moral to eat his chicken
if he was complicit in the
Great Leap Forward and the
Cultural Revolution? Is it
better breaded or sautéed?
Araba emphatically favors
the second option, even
though sautéed General
Tso’s is hard to come by.
“That’s maybe a large
issue in my life—General
Tso’s breading,” she tells us.
We wish we were
beautiful enough to have
those kinds of problems.
—DAVID WHIPPLE

Photo by Anna-Sophie Harling

ARABA
KOOMSON

Photo by Julia Henry
On the night before
our snow day earlier this
semester, Araba Koomson
(SY ’17) was anxious for
her new Theta sisters to
arrive at Barcelona. Why,
you ask? Because she loved
their company? Because she
couldn’t wait to share the
bonds of sisterhood with
them? Because she wanted
to pose for cute pictures
with her index finger over
her mouth? Yeah, sure,

whatever. But mainly, Araba
was impatient because she
couldn’t get at the cheese
plate until the new sisters
arrived.
“We had to go to
Barcelona and meet our
babies, but they came late
and there was this cheese
platter that they wouldn’t
let us eat until they came,”
she later recalled, impatience
still lingering in her voice.
“So I waited until they

most beautiful

HUNGRY WOMAN
wrote, “If steak, egg whites,
cheese and onions be the
food of love, you should
probably date a G-Heav
worker.” And in fact, the one
flame that Araba mentions
to us is Ray, the grill man
from G-Heav, whom Araba
got to know through drunk
interactions en español.
“Maybe I’ll ask Ray
to move in with me,” she
pondered aloud.
If that doesn’t work
out, Araba may be forced
to settle for another, lesser
man, whom she would want
to be funny and positive
(“I’m kinda cynical about

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
Rumpus has a huge crush
on Ree Ree Li (ES ’16).
A varsity tennis player,
Pi Phi, and volunteer for
11289732
organizations
on campus, it is still unclear
as to how she found the
time to sit down with us.
Luckily, it didn’t take long
for us to realize that Ree
Ree is beautiful both inside
and out; her contagiously
positive attitude and genuine
modesty made us want to
plant a fucking sunflower
garden and call our moms to
say “we love you.”
“I think that confidence is
beauty,” said Ree Ree, who
preached the importance of
focusing on aspects of life
over which you have control
and learning to accept and
appreciate those you don’t—
an ability that truly becomes
a virtue when 50 Most rolls
around each year.
“What I can control is
how I treat other people,
how I present myself and
feel about myself,” Ree Ree
said. “I think that confidence
is something other people
are attracted to, and now

that I’ve become a more
confident person I feel more
beautiful.”
However inspired by
Ree Ree’s compassionate
character,
we
couldn’t
suppress our desire to learn
about more appropriate
topics, like dance floor
makeouts
and
tattoos.

Since this August, you
may have noticed a tall figure
around campus followed by
“oohs” from a throng of loyal
subjects. But the masses
aren’t sighing—they’re just
saying the initials of one
Oscar O’Reilly (SY ’18), a
Photo by Carly Lovejoy

concussion in the fall after
being accidentally elbowed
in the head by her friend at
a volleyball game. (What?)
Her studies were put on hold
for a week, and catching up
was especially difficult once
she was cleared to travel

Naturally, the conversation
shifted to exactly that.
“I went crazy freshman
year,” said Ree Ree. “I owned
Toad’s.”
She also pierced her
ear without her parents’
permission, an act of
defiance made even more
badass by the fact that she
was raised by two of the
World’s Strictest Parents.
Seriously—they
were
featured on the TV show.
“My mom and dad are
both from China, so I’m first

generation here. I’m close to
both of them and am really
grateful for that,” Li said.
Although her parents
pushed her to pursue
Economics during her first
year at Yale, they decided
to tone down the tiger
parent act when she
“literally got terrible
grades.”
“These are classes
where it was curved,
too,” said Ree Ree. “If
you’re not even with
everyone else, that’s
when you know
you’re not good at
it.” Interestingly, the
exact same words
were uttered to
Rumpus when we
tried our own hand at
being beautiful.
Currently
a
political
science
major by choice,
Ree Ree is good
at plenty of other
things in her life.
Tennis is one of those
things, though she
was
unfortunately
sidelined
by
a

crown jewel of the freshman
class. And it’s not just ladies
who have been captivated by
this striking young rower—
men, too, are enthralled.
“My teammates call me
‘Pretty Boy’”, admitted
Oscar, rolling his eyes.

“They constantly touch my
face to piss me off.” (Lucky
bastards.)
Oscar says he doesn’t
understand the hype; he
thinks his most notable
features are his crooked
nose and bushy eyebrows,

which he doesn’t take care
of because “I don’t have
a beauty routine—I don’t
believe in moisturizer.”
But don’t let his modesty
fool you. Oscar comes from
a long and proud line of
beautiful people, his older
brother Elliot (SY ’16)
having previously been
anointed into the pages of
50 Most 2014. By now, he’s
used to the comparisons—
Oscar says he’s been
following in his brother’s
footsteps around the world
for years now. Originally
from Sydney, both went
to boarding school just
outside of Melbourne before
trekking out to New Haven.
“In high school, I gave a
speech at this year’s-end
sports banquet, which our
principal liked so much he
kept mentioning it at the
general assembly the next
day. Only he thought it was
Elliot who spoke, so he kept
saying things like ‘Elliot
made a really good point
yesterday…’ And everyone in
the audience was whispering
‘Elliot doesn’t even go here

REE REE
LI

most beautiful

TENNIS ACE

with her team and missed
even more school. Li and her
teammates have also been
adapting to a new coaching
staff this season.
“It’s been an adjustment,
but I love my teammates,”
she said. “I spend a lot of

7

time with them. I think that’s
one of the best parts of being
on a team. You see when
we’re crying, laughing—you
see it all. I’ve really enjoyed
that.”
—JENNA SELATI

Photo by Rebecca Wolenski

anymore.’”
Oscar may feel like he’s
spare to the heir, but that
just means he gets all of the
benefits of being the Prince
Harry of the family, without
the ginger curse. And just
like his British cohort, Oscar
loves going a little wild.

OSCAR
O’REILLY

most beautiful

50 MOST LEGACY
While on his gap year, he
spent a week in navigating
the unmapped terrain of
Greenland.
“The place is a shithole”,
Oscar noted diplomatically.
“It’s kind of savage.
Everything is life and
death, and the sun never set
while we were there. It was
awesome.”
And, as you might expect,
Oscar is looking for a girl
who’s down to have a good
time. He says he’s noticed a
pattern of “beach babes”—
though he is adamant that

it’s not the blonde hair or
bronzed skin that gets him,
but rather the laidback
attitude that goes with it. To
be on the safe side, though,
Rumpus is currently digging
out the hair bleach and
the tanning oil in time for
Myrtle.
Other than looking like
a character from Baywatch,
the best way to access to the
royal jewels is to surprise
Oscar. “I love surprises,” he
very helpfully elaborated.
If you are lucky enough
to get him alone, Oscar
eschews the fancier things
in life: the best date he’s ever
been on, he says, was eating
fish and chips with his thengirlfriend on Heartbreak
Hill overlooking the Sydney
skyline at sunset. For Oscar,
it’s all about the “right
moment.” For our sake, we
hope the “right moment”
happens to be when he gazes
at us with his striking blue
eyes.
—MARY KATE
DILWORTH

8

RUMPUS

Still looking for Prince
Charming? Look no further,
because David Amanfu (TD
’17) tells Rumpus he’s “about
five or six people away from
being the chief of a small
village in Ghana.” As in,
there are only a few people

yalerumpus.com
ahead of him in the line of
succession. David says if
things don’t work out after
graduation, he might try
killing off the few people in
front of him—and if all goes
according to plan, living
out his days as a Ghanaian

chieftain. Can you say Chief
Charming?
If, in the end, politics
isn’t David’s ball game, a
literal ball game might be
his next best bet (David’s
tall enough to dunk on
Steve Nash). While he says

Photo by Anna-Sophie Harling
sense where basics are lied
to, oh no. For someone who
maintains that her Europe
isn’t the lavish, Western
tourist
hotspot
people
imagine, the only way to
describe her is
glamorous. Aleks
is as European as
they come: there’s
an
effortless
most beautiful elegance to her
YD“N” SURVIVOR being. How else
could you explain
like Beyoncé (we call those someone whose go-to outfit
people heretics) that we’d is a hoodie, jeans, and a
like. Nevertheless, not only converse, but still KILLS it
is Aleksandra Gjorgievska in a ball gown?
Once you talk to
(PC ’15) likable, we’d like to
ask the Beygency to let this her, you’ll realize that
“extroverted, curious, lazy,
one go.
Why, you ask? Well, resourceful, and detaildon’t
even
besides Bey, Aleks (as Yalies oriented,”
call her) is one of those begin to capture the whole
mere mortals who pretty picture. Aleks has a fondness
much comes close to human for braving the direst of
perfection. It may seem situations: she’s a DSer who
like high and vapid praise, made the move to EP&E,
but this Macedonian EP&E and she was previously
major is an absolute force to a Culture editor for the
YD“N”. Talk about someone
be reckoned with.
First and foremost, the who’s willing to brave the
girl is gorgeous. And, we painful and dangerous.
don’t mean in that average While she is grateful for her
Rumpus isn’t one for
bandwagons, but it is an
undeniable fact that Beyoncé
is indeed God. That’s why
we never thought we’d ever
meet someone who didn’t

ALEKSANDRA
GJORGIEVSKA

YD“N” experience for being
“serious, but cool,” she was
quick to decry that their
elections showed her, more
than anything, that people
are “so mean.” Rumpus
doesn’t need any sort of
election to tell you that
about the YD“N”. She saw a
similar reality in her major:
“it’s better in theory than in
practice; there’s no depth.”
It’s
maturity
that
separates Aleks from basics.
She speaks 6 languages:
Macedonian,
Croatian,
German, French, English
and Hebrew. And speaking
of Hebrew, Aleks spent an
entire summer living in Tel
Aviv, learning Hebrew, and
taking in the experience of a
“young city.” However, don’t
take that as a sign that Aleks
is just down for whatever’s
in. She doesn’t really binge
drink like the rest of us,
being that she’s “been there
and done that.” They do
start drinking form a young
age across the pond.
On a serious note, though,
nothing was more baffling
to us than her preferences in

that professional sports
organizations have yet to
contact him for a career
beyond college, he hopes
that his highlight reel from
TD IM Water Polo will
enhance his prospects.
Speaking of enhanced
prospects, David hopes
that his designation as
a 50-Moster will bring
more ladies into his
life. Currently, David
is single, but Rumpus
predicts that after this
article, suddenly the
walk to TD won’t seem
as long.
As if David needed
further qualifications,
both of his parents are
dentists, so he’s really
the kind of guy you
wanna make out with.
He assures Rumpus that
he has no cavities, and
that his breath is always
fresh. It comes with the
territory; plus, dating a
child of a dentist is vogue
this year considering the
flu vaccine is worthless.
Ladies, snatch David
up
before
another

germophobe does it first.
To help those thinking
David might be the one for
them, Rumpus asked him
a little more about what he
wants in a special someone.
David says he definitely
wants his “chieftess to be

guys. The types of guys she’s
into: 1) guys who have dogs
and are really into them, 2)
can pull off flannel, 3) are
multilingual (she told us
that just a few days into a trip
to China, she was convinced
that Chinese was the sexiest
language on the planet),
and 4) are not bulky. To be
honest, #4 is what really

troubled us. Aleks has a rule
that “no huge muscles are
welcome,” since she’s more
into the skinny, intellectual
type. So, guys, this might be
about the only time when a
girl doesn’t want you hitting
the gym.
So stay in during this
miserable winter, read some
Plato, and be sure to find

DAVID
AMANFU

most beautiful

CHIEFTAININ-TRAINING
chill”—matching his own
laid-back L.A lifestyle.
The next most important
thing is “that she has a face,
and that that face shows
emotion.” David notes that
as a mechanical engineering
major, he has spent too
many long winter months
in the lab with faceless and
emotionless robots. He’s
looking to have his love
story look a little less like
Her and a little more like,
well, basically anything else.
If you have a face that
shows emotions, David

Photo courtesy of Aleksandra Gjorgievska

might want to take you
on a hiking date to East
Rock, where he’ll talk to
strangers in the park. David
says he likes talking to new
people because he enjoys
“hearing people’s stories. It’s
something I learned from
my Dad.” Rumpus is really
into dads, so naturally we
launched into conversation
about David’s dad. Where is
he in the line of succession??
David tells Rumpus he
takes after his father and
frequently puts his fingers in
people’s mouths, or maybe
he didn’t say that, sorry,
Rumpus got really distracted
LOL. Nevertheless, Rumpus
would really like to take
a moment and thank Dr.
Amanfu for ensuring David’s
stellar
dental
hygiene.
Thanks to Dr. Amanfu,
David gives the gift of
his shining white smile,
bringing the brightness of
the West Coast to the bleak,
horrifying tundra that is
New Haven. Amen.
—COREY
MALONE-SMOLLA

Aleks at Myrtle this year!
From what we hear, it’ll be
your last chance to get with
this Yalie who once called
her time in New Haven
“the most exhilarating roller
coaster ride and one big
clusterfuck.”
—ALLEX DESRONVIL

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Walden Moeller-Davis
Blonde.
Blue-eyed.
Mildly
athletic.
That’s
not just the definition
of an Aryan—it’s how
Connor Wiik (BK ’15)
described himself in five
words. And let’s just say
that while this Chemical
Engineering major’s color

CONNOR
WIIK
most beautiful

ALL-AMERICAN
identification is spot on,
“mildly athletic” is definitely
an understatement. But, you
know what, some humility
from a 50 Moster is an
always-welcome change of
pace.
Within the first five
minutes of his interview, it
became clear that Connor
really has the All-American
thing down pat. For anyone
with a checklist, we’re pretty
sure he’s got it all nailed.
As a FOOT leader,
Connor usually leads one
of the trips to the Catskills,

the hardest trek for the preorientation program. That’s
the sign of a man who’s got
crunch all figured out, and
we’re pretty sure that’s how
he’s managed to maintain
his physique. We mean, if
you’re climbing mountains
and leading pre-frosh into
the woods, you don’t need
to lift.
Nonetheless,
crunch
doesn’t define this Yale
Men’s Rugby star. Having
never played the sport before
coming to Yale, Connor was
sure his athletic prowess
meant this was the inevitable
next challenge to tackle. His
athleticism had already led
him to conquer football,
hockey, and baseball,and the
only losers would have to be
those who doubted him.
If there were one way to
define Connor’s genius, it
would be his willingness to
recognize and engage with
opportunities to venture
into the unknown. He
summed it best when we
asked him to define his Yale
experience in one sentence:
“Yale has been an incredible

Meet
Ashley
Perselay (MC ’17),
lacrosse
superstar,
benevolent activist,
and self-proclaimed
selfie queen.
“I really want a
selfie stick!” Perselay
told Rumpus. “I
take way too many
selfies per day... It’s
probably a really
annoying amount.”
One might accuse
Ashley of being
‘basic,’ but when
you’ve got a face like
Ashley does—with
eyebrows perfectly
‘on fleek,’ a nose
even plastic surgery
can’t perfect, and a
heartwarming smile
straight out of a Crest
Whitening
Strips
commercial—who
wouldn’t want to
constantly inundate
all their less fortunate
Snapchat
friends
with such radiance?
But don’t be
fooled. Despite her
affinity for the iPhone

front camera, Perselay is
extremely down-to-earth.
She is the co-president
of Brave, an organization
that works to end bullying.
Students’ faces light up at
the mention of Ms. Perselay,
usually followed by the

ASHLEY
PERSELAY
most beautiful

SELFIE SAVANT
exclamation, “I love her!”
And we at Rumpus see why:
when asked what the hardest
part of being so beautiful
was, she responded very
humbly.
“Being surrounded by
other beautiful people is
definitely the hardest thing.”
Good answer, Ashley, but we
all really know the hardest
thing for you is trying to
politely reject all the boys
trying to slide their way into
your DMs.
Speaking of sliding,
Ashley fondly recounted her
worst experience at Woad’s,

9

which she proudly frequents
every Wednesday. “I was
headed to the bathroom
when I fell down the entire
flight of stairs and spilled my
drink all over myself. One
of the workers just looked,
laughed at me, and walked
away. The worst part? I was
alone.” This sounds a lot like
something that happens to
Rumpus on a weekly basis,
but we bet Ashley handled it
much more gracefully than
we ever could.
Perselay is a very
~trendy~ girl: you can often
find her studying at Maison
Mathis, the hip coffee shop
near Ivy Noodle (RIP). She
is also quite the fashionista.
“My favorite piece of
clothing is definitely my
robe.”
She certainly has her Dad
to thank for her beauty;
thanks to him, Ashley has
known she was beautiful
from a very young age. “My
Dad likes to tell me that I’m
beautiful, but he’s my Dad
so I think he’s supposed to.”
Sure.
Unfortunately for all you

thirsty boys out there, Ashley
is currently off the market.
However, despite being in
a committed relationship, if
the opportunity presented
itself, she would “hands
down” date Taylor Kitsch,
more popularly known as
Tim Riggins from Friday
Night Lights. It can therefore
be inferred that Ashley, the
sweet and modest girl from
New Jersey, definitely has an
affinity for bad boys.
Ashley told us that she
always tries to stay positive.
When asked what she wants
to be when she is older, she
simply replied, “I want to be
happy.” Normally, Rumpus
would find that response to
be cheesy, trite, and totally
unacceptable, but coming
from Ashley, it actually
sounded genuine for once.
We hope for a lifetime of
happiness for Ashley—just
get her a really comfy robe
and some overpriced pressed
juice from Maison Mathis,
and she’s all set.
—CLARA MOKRI

brawn—what a combo!
Yes, Connor’s the guy
Mom and Dad want you to
bring home. Yes, he’s the one
who’ll make all your friends
jealous. So, ladies, this is
the part where we have to
tell you that Connor has a
girlfriend.
And true to his AllAmerican-ness, his favorite
things about her are that

she’s smarter than he is and
easy to talk to. Yup, she got
herself a keeper. We only
ask that she let our DKE star
continue to “have a lot of fun
with no regrets.” After all, he
did crowd-surf during Diplo
at Spring Fling 2014, and
we know he looked damn
good when he did it.
—ALLEX DESRONVIL

Photo by Walden Moeller-Davis
place to meet people I never
would have met or become
friends with in my life,”
adding originality to his list
of notable character traits.
While open to new places
and experiences, Connor
also loves living in New
Haven. A recent ski trip to
Quebec was the thing he’ll
remember most from his
time in the Elm City.

Call us cynics, but we’re
hoping that this hunk
remembers
more
than
that from his time here.
As a senior in the Energy
Studies concentration (he
tried explaining gas and
extending the lifetime of
wells to us, but none of it
stuck), he’s someone who’s
always been into chemistry
and physics. Brains and

10

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

One can only wonder night over at Box 63. Wait,
what a landmark year 2001 sorry:
was for Eli Rivkin (TC ’15).
“Box is over, we’re on to
Zoolander, Ben Stiller’s Harvest now.”
last good movie until that
Right.
Eli’s
Euro
museum franchise (they just tendencies, curbed by good
released a third!) premiered, parenting and the watchful
and with it, so did blue steel. eye of his younger sister and
A pose once
fellow 50 Mostpopularized by
er, Lily, stem
Derek Zoolander
from his move
has now been reto Paris after his
conceptualized
sophomore year
most beautiful of high school.
by
Eli
over
on
Snapchat
PRINCE OF Combined with
and Instagram
PARK STREET a proper haircut
with
such
and the end of
commitment and consistency a 4-year awkward phase,
that even Yale’s second-best Eli became a Cool Teen, a
set of cheekbones weeps at common stepping stone to
the sight.
being named 50 Most. He
The man who brought now lives in “Eli’s Place,” (a
you Ja Rule at the 11th hour verified Instagram location),
for last year’s Spring Fling as the apartment next to JoJo’s
YCC Events Director is also Coffee and Tea.
a Global Affairs major and a
Eli loves music and
co-founder of The Myanmar clubbing so obviously he
Project. But he is perhaps has a good story to combine
better known for his classic the two, and whoo boy is it
dance move, “The Paris the stuff of molly-induced
Point,” so dubbed by his dreams:
Sigma Phi Epsilon brothers.
“For fear of sounding like
You can see it in action on a douchebag, probably the
any given week/weekend craziest night out was last

ELI
RIVKIN

Photo by Walden Moeller-Davis

summer when my
friend ushered me
into this new club
and all of a sudden,
Tyga pops out of
nowhere. And you
had people filming
the Kardashians in
the corner.”
He considers his
best feature to be
his baby blues, and
last week in seminar
someone compared
him to the French
soccer player Marco
Verratti. Eli prefers
dancing to soccer and
dodged our “boxers
or briefs” inquiry but
somewhere out there
exists video evidence
of him on the couch,
ass-up in a pair of
neon pink boxerbriefs,
clutching
Insomnia cookies.
Although the end
of winter signals a
renewed faith in humanity
and the world for most of us,
warmer weather also means
that little critters will be
coming back into our homes!

With her South African
roots, Canada Goose jacket,
and Jewish charm, Gina
Starfield (SY ’16) is a beacon
of multiculturalism.
Gina was devastated when
Rumpus refused to shell out
the necessary cash for an
Uber to take us to Cape Town
to conduct her interview, but
she eventually compromised,
meeting us at the exotic Blue
State on Wall Street instead.
Originally from Boston,
Gina makes a yearly trek back
to South Africa, the birthplace
of both her parents. Rumpus
did not proceed to question
Starfield about past run-ins
with rare or exotic biological
specimens, in order to avoid
sounding like Yale Health.
We figured we’d save that
one for the group of South
African wildebeests who also
made it into this year’s issue,
if they would ever just stop
talking about their love of the
Yale Politic.
Instead we asked about
her obsession with academic
threesomes. In addition to
single-majoring in Political
Science, Starfield is triple-

Photo by Rebecca Wolenski
Eli hates cockroaches but
used to wear a pair of boxers
with a fun insect print to
bed, because he is a walking
paradox.
Barring a Kylie Jenner
majoring in Ethnicity, Race,
and Migration.
“Literally every single
class I’m in is a class with
three random names put
together that somehow make
sense as a whole,” she said.
“‘Sex, Evolution, and Human
Nature,’ ‘Race and the
Politics of Punishment,’ and
‘Women, Law, and the Black
Freedom Movement.’ That’s
basically all I ever take.”
In addition to taking a
bunch of classes Rumpus only
took for the hot TAs, Gina
is involved in a plethora of
activities on campus. She
sings with Something Extra,
co-heads the Elm City Echo,
and parties with Pi Phi.
Rumpus, who was not offered
a bid this year, was at least
relieved to hear that Starfield
PIcked the PHInest back
when she was a freshman.
So what should you do to
impress this impressive
specimen?
“I’m not athletic, but I
like hiking,” Gina said, when
asked about her ideal date.
“The date would have to be
something outdoors and

campus tour visit, this
little golden boy is gonna
#BreakYale for the rest of
the semester and the latest
rankings have him as THE
front runner for best Myrtle
active.”
As soon as these words
escaped Gina’s mouth, FOOT
leaders swarmed our table—
all 164 of them, just itching
to make Starfield’s dream a
reality.

bod. See u @ Myrtel Beech
bb!!!
—ANDREA VILLENA

clean and well-groomed
though, like someone who
probably uses Dove soap.
“I sort of speak Spanish
and Hebrew, but not fluently
at all,” Gina said. “My parents
speak Afrikaans, but they
specifically did not teach it
to me and my sister so that
they could speak it without
us understanding what they
were saying. It’s frustrating.”
most beautiful
Although Gina did
consider
learning Afrikaans
TRIPLE THREAT
at Yale, she said she
“I actually didn’t do ultimately decided not to.
FOOT,” Starfield sheepishly She later referred to it as “the
admits. “I was a camp language of the oppressors,”
counselor for years, and the but did not specify whether
summer before Yale, my “the oppressors” in question
camp ended after FOOT had were really just her parents.
already started.”
“Wil jy nie die res van
Most of the FOOT leaders die onderhoud in Afrikaans
lost interest, but a few stuck te doen?” Rumpus asked,
around and sat at nearby requesting to do the
tables, pretending to be remainder of the interview
writing papers for “Women, in Gina’s go-to language.
Food, and Culture” but just We’d lost her. She was now
as equally as entranced as in deep conversation with
they were before.
one of the FEET. We should
According to Starfield, the have splurged to conduct the
name “Gina” is Hebrew for interview in the Cape.
­—TYLER FOGGATT
“dove,” like the bird, not the
soap. She looked extremely

GINA
STARFIELD

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com

11

It’s hard to estimate just for this.” No need to worry,
how far a Yale student would Eli—we make the jokes
go to hold an esteemed spot around here.
within these pages: eat
This Cali boy comes from
nothing but My Mother’s humble beginnings: he is
Brisket for the rest of the the son of two actors and
year? Cancel all Woads was raised in Santa Monica,
appearances and denounce which explain his natural
the Wenzel? Bomb all charisma and perfectly
consulting
interviews coiffed hair, respectively. His
and give up
family valued
Goldman? In
the arts when
the midst of
he was growing
people willing
up, which led
to sacrifice their
to Eli’s love
most beautiful for
entire college
music.
careers to be
BLOW-HARD It takes up
one of Yale’s
almost all of his
50 Most, Eli Brown (ES time because he feels so
’17) wasn’t sold—he even passionately about it—last
considered turning down week, even, Rumpus spotted
the offer.
him crying in a Music
“I didn’t know I was Library study carrel after
beautiful until I got your hearing a piece that moved
invitation,” he told us after him. Eli’s love for music
coming to his senses and has infiltrated his love life,
agreeing to meet for an even: 100% of the girls he
interview. Chalk it up to his has dated he met at summer
West Coast humor or his orchestra camp. He’s played
general laid-back style, but the trumpet for 11 years
Eli doesn’t like to be taken now, but don’t try to impress
too seriously. “Originally I him with any innuendo
hesitated because I didn’t about blowing horns. “I’ve
know how to ironize myself heard it all before,” he tells

us.
Eli is involved with
the Yale Symphony
Orchestra, so you
better not slack on
getting tickets to next
year’s
Halloween
show if you want a
shot with one of the
most beautiful men
on campus. If you
wind up being 323rd
in the queue and
don’t feel up to selling
your left kidney for
a seat, though, feel
free to catch him
recording jazz music
or conducting the
Berkeley
College
Orchestra. Rumpus
loves a man who has
not only studied, but
also can direct others
in proper fingering
techniques.
(Have
you heard that one
before, Eli? Yes?)
When
Eli
isn’t
performing or conducting,
he is often doing what we
would expect of a bright,
handsome artiste: being
part of some mysterious

Yale underground scene.
His favorite campus parties
involve a live band in his
suite and some sort of
“creative energy.” When
asked where we could find
him on a Saturday night,

the most detailed response
we could fish out of Eli was,
“various places on Dwight
Street.” Parts of Eli Brown
are, admittedly, one big,
attractive question mark,
but that only keeps Rumpus

Every generation has
a defining moment in its
history, centered on one
single question. A shared
cultural experience that
transcends
boundaries

Diana died? Our generation
has an even more important
question: where were you
when you first met Ginna
Doyle (TC ‘17)?
Rumpus first met this St.
Louis native to conduct her
50 Most interview. We had
heard her name, of course,
whispered around Yale’s
campus with a reverence
usually reserved for famous
visiting diplomats whose
policies Yale students agree
with.
Ginna is the embodiment
of the ideal Yale student.
Beautiful
(see
photo).
Studious (double EP&E
and Theater Studies major).
Supportive (she was part
of FOOT support staff and
loves being a wingwoman).
Interesting (she has a
mysterious scar from the
cigarette butt of a man she
posed with for a picture
at an Argentinian club).
Talented (an actress in many
Yale productions and New
Blue singer; also, she told
us she can remember what
she and everyone with her
ordered for every meal she’s

ever had). Ginna mentioned
during her interview that
she is training to become a
tour guide; Rumpus would
like to warn the admissions
office that this is a terrible
idea as they will be unable
to handle the inevitable
upsurge in applications.
Despite knowing that any
attempts to imitate Ginna’s
aesthetic would end in even
more self-hatred, Rumpus
had to ask Ginna about her
beauty routine. She credited
Crest White Strips for her
favorite feature—her teeth.
“Also, knowing how to do
a towel turban. And the
iPhone ‘Chrome’ filter.”
When asked when she first
knew she was beautiful, with
her characteristic humility,
she said it wasn’t until we
told her—and that she still
wasn’t sure she believed us.
Ginna, believe us.
When asked about one
of her crazier nights at Yale,
Ginna recalled entering Box
using the ID of her six-foottall brunette roommate.
When the bouncer called her
height into question (she

is 5’7”), Ginna improvised Rumpus assumes exists. The
that she had recently had fact that Ginna was once a
surgery that removed her self-identified “horse girl”
knees. While this ploy may is the only thing we learned
have failed, Rumpus was during her interview that
thoroughly convinced by her makes us think Ginna, too,
retelling.
might be merely mortal.
After graduating, Ginna Of course, she stipulated
plans to move to New York that she was never obsessed
to become an
with them like
actress. Ginna’s
other horse girls,
acting
career
and she was
began with her
probably
just
first role, playing
being nice when
most beautiful we
Zeus in her 3rd
excitedly
grade
Greek
asked
her if
HORSE
myth play. Ginna
she
identified
WHISPERER
was disappointed
with that label.
her classmates did not vote Ginna now feels a spiritual
her to be Aphrodite, but connection to horses and
perhaps it was for the best. believes she can speak to
At Yale, Ginna has found them. Once, her favorite
that she is often typecast horse, Merlin, saw her from
as middle-aged mothers, across the field and galloped
which she attributes to right to her, ignoring the
her “low, matronly voice.” rest of the surrounding
Rumpus would instead call crowd. Ginna may or may
it “soothing”, much like the not actually be able to talk
“ocean waves” setting on our to horses, but she certainly
alarm clock.
talked herself into our heart.
If Ginna chooses not
—ALEX SAIONTZ
to become an actress, she
may also pursue a career
as a “horse girl,” a job that

ELI
BROWN

of race, gender, and
socioeconomic class. Before,
they asked, where were
you when JFK was shot?
When man first walked on
the moon? When Princess

Photo by Walden Moeller-Davis

Photo by Walden Moeller-Davis
coming back for more. If
only our parents had sent us
to fucking music nerd camp,
maybe we’d stand a chance.
—LUCAS RICCARDI

GINNA
DOYLE

12

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com
“So you keep these on
file?” was the first thing
Timiebi Souza-Okpofabri
(DC ’17) asked when
Rumpus sat down with
her to discuss Davenport,
Dancehall, and those darn
freckles that have everyone
on
campus
swooning.
She was referring to the
recording device (a cracked
iPhone 6) that was placed
strategically in the center
of our two-person table on
the far end of a clamorous
Ezra Stiles dining hall. We
had been sitting there just
moments, and it was already
clear Tims—a nickname that
brings to mind former US
Secretary of the Treasury
Timothy Geithner and the
Timberland boot fropular
(frat popular) amongst the
bros of High Street—did not
trust Rumpus.
“My name? My full
full name?” she inquired
reservedly, after being asked
to “state her name.” All we at
Rumpus wanted to do was
get a better understanding
of what made this Caribbean
creature
so
universally
adored.
The
Trinidad

Photo by Ihna Mangundayao
Yonatan Zeff (SY ’18)
is a triple threat. A sketch
comedian, tap dancer, and
model, Rumpus was not
surprised to be interviewing
Zeff for 50 Most. Luckily for
us, though, we didn’t have

to be the ones to break the
news of his beauty.
“My mom told me I was
beautiful my entire life, so I
just believed her,” said Zeff.
“I think that thinking you’re
a good looking person is not

a bad thing.”
Believe it or not, Zeff was
not always the outwardly
handsome teen heartthrob
he is today. It wasn’t until the
summer before his freshman
year of high school that he

and Tobago native whose
Facebook like totals have
reached outlandish levels
(221 for a baby photo?!)
recently traded in her
trademark bright brown
afro curls for slim braids.
Whether the new look was
possibly the source of Tims’
distrustful temperament,
Rumpus knows not, but it
quickly became clear that
Rumpus was nowhere near
cool enough to be getting
dinner with her. Seriously,
we were getting stares. We
literally had to leave the
dining hall.
“I am single … like
a dollar. That’s a saying
in Trinidad,” she began,
newly settled in our more
friendly location (a messy
SY double). Well-versed in
Trinidadian colloquialisms,
Rumpus knew what she was
really getting at, and no, we
did not have any cocaine on
us. Tims chose to sit on the
floor and stretch her quads
out. She had a rugby workout
earlier in the afternoon, and
this hottie does not skip leg
day. An Ethnicity, Race, and
Migration major who was

decided to put more effort
into his vanity, ditching
the bowl cut (just a guess),
trading his glasses in for
contacts, and restocking his
wardrobe. And thank God
he did, because a few days
later classmates began
asking if they had seen
him in the latest issue
of Teen Bop. Needless
to say, Zeff knew that
he had made the right
decision.
“Anyone
would
be
happy
to
be
complimented
on
their looks,” said Zeff.
“Maybe they’d prefer
to be complimented
on their personality
or something deeper
than that, but it’s
still
a
compliment
nonetheless.”
The spawn of a
free agent/magazine/
runway model, Zeff
realized that the key to
making this Teen Bop
rumor true was living
in his house. His mom
Photo by Ihna Mangundayao
encouraged him to join

recently admitted into the
new undergraduate Human
Rights program, Tims
doesn’t waste much time
here on campus. In addition
to rugby, she serves as a
member of the Caribbean

someone tried to hit on her
back home in Trinidad, Tims
recalled an occasion when
she weas walking down the
street and “somebody was
like ‘Oh! Sexy, you must eat
plenty soup!’” Here at Yale,
she says, the approach is
slightly different, “People
pretend to understand the
Caribbean to like seem like
they’re down, and they’ll
quote random lines from
Sean Paul songs.” And girl
most beautiful I, wanna be the Papa you
TRINI GIRL can be the Mom…
After just an hour
Students Organization, the chatting, any semblance
Social Justice Committee of of distrust had dissipated
the Black Students’ Alliance, and Rumpus wanted the
and is training to become a interview to go on forever.
DJ on WYBC Yale Radio.
Before we parted ways, we
Tims’s favorite place to be had to ask one last question.
is the beach. Her hometown We wanted to know how
of Maracas-Saint Joseph is this beautiful bombshell
situated “on the other side of had become such a force on
a mountain,” so it’s hard for the rugby pitch. “I just like
her to get there, but when hitting people,” she said,
she does go, she feels at “and I can’t do that regularly
home. In fact, she speculates, in life.” Don’t be fooled
it may have been where she by that freckled façade,
first discovered she was folks. This Trini girl means
beautiful. When Rumpus business.
—JORDAN COLEY
asked her to describe a
particularly memorable time

TIMIEBI
SOUZAOKPOFABRI

her San Franciso-based
agency, and he continued
modeling until college.
Rumpus shamelessly stalked
the evidence of his short-

YONATAN
ZEFF

most beautiful

VAMPIRE
lived career (thank you,
Google), and we were
delighted to discover that
Zeff is, in fact, a vampire.
We had our suspicions,
but it wasn’t until we saw
the photos that strikingly
resemble Edward Cullen
in various cuts of leather
and denim that they were
confirmed.
Logically speaking, there’s
no way Zeff would have been
able to master both the art of
sketch comedy (disclaimer:
we’ve never seen one of his
shows, so we don’t know if
he’s funny) and tap dancing
(disclaimer: we’ve never
seen one of his shows, so

we don’t know is hes a good
tap dancer). We don’t think
vampires lie, though, so
Rumpus is trusting Zeff on
his word that he is almost as
good a tap dancer as his idol,
Savion Glover.
Zeff’s alleged talents go
far beyond his good looks,
humor, and dance skills; as
of now, he is considering
approximately all 76 majors
offered by Yale College.
“When I came here I was on
a physics track,” said Zeff.
“Now I’m thinking maybe
electrical engineering and
computer science.... I may
switch over to economics.
I’m maybe thinking of going
into business.”
Seriously though, there’s
no way this guy is not a
vampire. And Rumpus is
confident that he wouldn’t
turn down a romantic
nighttime
walk
across
the Green, or any other
opportunity that would
allow him to suck your
blood. Get on it.
­—JENNA SELATI

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
There is nothing about
Tyler Varga (BK ’15) that
is not all-American—except
the fact that he’s Canadian.
Raised
in
Kitchener,
Ontario, Tyler has a smile
as bright as the Nova Scotia
sun and biceps as big as one
them moose patties ya’ find
when ya’ go trampin’ around
the woods of western
Saskatchewan! In fact, Ty
got a fly-fishin’ rod for
Christmas and once hooked
up with a girl on the 50-yard
line logo of the University of
Western Ontario—it doesn’t
get much more socialist that
that!
As expected of anyone
who grew up so close to
the unforgiving winters of
northern Quebec, Tyler says
he’s “just tryna make a living
in this cold, hard world.”
Well, Tyler, the only thing
cold and hard about America
is Hugh Hefner’s penis,
which has helped many
people make their livings,
so maybe you’re in luck. But
if you, you unathletic Yalie,
are looking to snuggle up
next to Tyler by the fireplace
with a steaming bowl of “My perfect girl has to be
poutine, think again! Tyler somebody I could do yoga
is currently single, and with. They also have to be
doesn’t think it’d be fair (for able to laugh at my jokes,
the girl) for him to enter a because my jokes are bad
relationship. “Relationships and that gives me a little ego
take work if you want them boost.” If you think you’re
to be fair,” Tyler whispered the kind of Manitoban
with the quiet stealth of a princess that Tyler is looking
wolverine going out for its for, try finding him at Box.
evening hunt in the Nunavut He doesn’t frequent Toad’s,
tundra. “If I
even though the
feel like I can’t
owner gives him
contribute fairly
30 free drink
to a relationship,
tickets every time
I’m not gonna
he walks in the
most beautiful door.
get in one.”
Tyler may be
In
all
CANADIAN
from Toronto,
seriousness,
but he sure as hell ain’t no Tyler is a really great
fat drug-addict (Rob Ford guy, with the kindness
reference). We asked Tyler and humility that is
about the specifics of his characteristic of all southern
workout regimen, now that Ontario gentlemen. While
he’s preparing for the NFL we expect Tyler to be rolling
Combine and the draft. “If in Canadian pennies after
I had a nickel for every time his career in the NFL, we are
I heard that question…”… confident that he will remain
you’d have about 4 cents humble and giving. “I’m not
of American money, Tyler! one that’s big on buying all
Tyler lifts weights and runs that expensive shit.” Tyler
track and does field work founded and still runs a
and even does yoga with charity bobsledding football
the steady placidity of the camp in his hometown, and
Royal Canadian Air Force. wants to continue doing that

TYLER
VARGA

13

Photo by Corey Malone-Smolla
sort of stuff throughout his
career. After the NFL, Tyler
wants to go to medical school
and become an orthopedic
surgeon: “I’ve been grindin’
away on that Premed stuff.”
Rumpus will continue
to be Tyler’s biggest fan
once he’s drafted by an
American Football team,
but we respect him holding
on to his deep-rooted
Canadian identity. Tyler gets
made fun of a lot for being
Canadian (we would never
do such a thing). “Growing
up, we would make fun of
Americans for being fat. All
they do is eat McDonald’s.”
Touché. “My teammates
always say, ‘shut up, you
stupid Canadian.’ But then,
back in Canada, they make
fun of me for speaking like
an American.” Rumpus didn’t
notice Tyler having any kind
of accent, but Tyler admits:
“I throw in an ‘eh?’ once in
a while. Tack it on the end.”
—ADAM SOKOL

14

RUMPUS

Meeting Rachel Baker
(MC ‘17) was one of the best
things that ever happened to
Rumpus. Rachel is the kind
of girl who’s so easy to talk
to, and we’re surprised that
this LA valley girl is still

yalerumpus.com
single. That being said, she
still needs a snuggle buddy
for the upcoming spring
season, so all you available
guys out there, start lining
up.
Rachel is from Los

Angeles—she loves and
hates it. “Here in New
Haven, I can get turnt and
walk home, and it’s fine. I
go back to LA, get turnt,
and have to Uber or pay for
a cab. It’s the worst thing in

the entire world.” Right on.
Rachel currently serves
as treasurer of the Black
Student Alliance. She also
hosts a WYBCX radio show
called “Electric Relaxation”
with one of her best friends.
She plays study
jams—music that
“gets you through
reading.”
Since
their listenership
has
recently
increased to about
8 people, they
now play middle
school playlists.
Tune in to hear
their
beautiful
voices. Seriously.
It. Is. A. Mess.
R a c h e l
also works for
the
Women’s
Center,
is
a
Communication
and
Consent
Educator,
and
parties as a lowkey Pi Phi. When
asked about her
best
feature,
she
responded,
“my
dazzling

personality.” When asked The most enjoyable part
about her biggest flaw, she of Rachel’s interview was
responded, “my dazzling listening to her steamy
personality.” “I am so morning-after
stories:
intimidating,”
“you think I’m
she said.
joking, but I
So
what
often wake up
does a girl like
with
candy
Rachel
look
wrappers and
most beautiful Yorkside pizza
for in a guy?
She
needs
PIZZA on my body
someone who
100
AFICIONADO with
is “not a derp
seconds worth
and not a psycho—so hard of Snapchat stories.” Once,
to find at Yale.” He also a rude guy walked into
has to be funny. And the Yorkside, didn’t pay, and
most important aspect: no expected a slice. Fight breaks
nicknamable names. “My out. “Just me and this dude
biggest fear is knowing in Yorkside. I just want my
someone with a name that pizza. Is that so hard?”
turns into a name I don’t
Seriously, Rachel is a gift
like, Michael to Mikey. Ew.” to this campus and to the
Her idea of a perfect date? Earth. Whether she’s waking
Netflix and a snuggle buddy. up wrapped in half-eaten
Who does not love this? twix bars and pizza slices or
Seriously, gents, do you not wiping Wenzel sauce off her
see what’s in front of your winter jacket, she is always
eyes?
fun, caring, and crazy. We
Rachel’s most frequented know Rachel’s boo is out
places at Yale are the BD there somewhere. Contact
House and Yorkside Pizza. Rumpus for dating inquiries,
Moving into Morse proper plz.
and being closer to Yorkside
—DANIEL TOVBIN
was a blessing for Rachel.

As a blonde British boy on who will understand and
Yale’s crew team, Alex George accommodate his strenuous
(DC ‘17) really stands out crew schedule.
in a crowd. Having taken
If it offers any hope for the
a gap yah after attending a masses, Alex wasn’t always
boarding school in Oxford, as beautiful as he is today.
England, it’s safe to say that He says he went through
Alex has really carved his a lengthy awkward phase
own unique path to Yale. during which his family and
Another Lightweight Crew friends were very dismissive
alumnus of Alex’s boarding of him. (Can we pause
school was featured in last for a second to talk about
year’s issue of 50 Most, so he how fucked up that is?!)
was somewhat
But
midway
expecting
through
his
the
honor
boarding
when Rumpus
school career
contacted him
he remembers
most beautiful waking
several weeks
up,
ago. He sees
looking
in
the
GENERIC BRIT
himself
as
mirror,
and
carrying on a certain legacy.
realizing he “just might be
Fortunately
for
any acceptable,” after which his
would-be suitors, Alex mother started letting him
isn’t too picky about his eat at the table again. The
women. He says he looks for process of recognizing his
someone who’s “good fun” beauty was quite stressful,
and “generally interesting.” he explains, since he had to
Convenience is also a plus— upgrade most of his close
he met his current girlfriend friends.
in his own residential
Alex’s
two
younger
college. Easy-goingness is brothers, he says, are “goodalso an important trait for looking chaps.” They haven’t
Alex, who looks for partners quite caught up to Alex’s

looks, though, judging
from their notable absence
from the pages of 50 Most.
Alex’s youngest brother
has a girlfriend while their
middle sibling prefers the
single life. Alex, on the
other hand, waffles
on his own personal
position.
He’s
had
some long relationships
here and there but also
appreciates
periods
when he isn’t tied down.
Much like Rumpus
in our glory days,
Alex once had grand
aspirations of joining
DKE. However, due
to his aforementioned
hectic crew schedule,
he had to drop out of
the process. DKE’s hell
week may have been a
bit much for Alex, but
don’t let that skew your
judgment of him. Alex
goes hard, he assured us.
Very hard. One night last
year, after hitting up a
mixer at the Lightweight
Crew
house,
Alex
ended up carrying a
couch he found on the

street all the way back to
Welch and falling asleep
on it. Freshman Screw was
another crazy night for him.
Alex tells us he was so drunk
he accidentally ditched
his date, a pretty unusual

move for this “generally
gentlemanly” Brit.
Though Alex was excited
to be called on to join the
illustrious pages of 50
Most, he says that being
beautiful also carries heavy

Photo by Julia Henry

ALEX
GEORGE

RACHEL
BAKER

responsibility.
“You’re
always around less beautiful
people,” he explains. “It’s
pretty tragic.” Rumpus can
certainly sympathize.
—EMMA GOLDBERG

Photo by Ken Yanagisawa

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com

Photo by John Chirikjian

At 6-foot-3 with a
beaming smile from four
years of braces and selfdescribed “deep Colombian
coffee bean” colored eyes,
Theo Agbi (SM ’17) is
literally the man of every
living creature’s dreams.
His hobbies include writing
poetry, going on long bike
rides, and talking about
his emotions. His idea of a
perfect date includes the soft
flicker of candles and the
sweet music of Nora Jones
permeating
throughout
a dorm room, combining
romanticism
with
the
excitement of getting caught
by your roommate. Weak in
the knees yet? So are we.
Agbi told Rumpus that he
has known he was beautiful
since the summer of 10th
grade. “I think I found out
when I was walking down
the street and this guy came
up to me and asked me if I
was 21. I was like ‘I’m not,
but I’m sure I look 21.’
Nothing happened with
him, but I think that summer
I started getting taller, my
body started changing, and

everyone was objectifying
me. Here, I’ve caught people
objectifying me at least 3
times. As someone who is
against objectification, I
should be offended but I
kind of like it.”

15

That’s okay, Theo. We all
like being reminded of our
beauty now and then.
When Rumpus asked
him what he looks for in a
partner, Theo claimed that
his perfect partner is able to
“cry and not feel weird about
it afterwards. I want to be
with someone who knows
who they are.”
Obviously, Theo is very
much in touch with his
sensitive side, but he enjoys
a good naked party just
as much as the next Yalie.
“During my first one, I
went and I just remember

spending the entire night
thinking ‘Don’t get a boner.
Don’t do it.’ I was drinking
and I just reached this point
where when these people
with gorgeous faces and
bodies came up to me, I was
just like ‘Walk away, don’t
talk to me. I cant do this.’”
When asked his craziest
night
at
Yale,
Theo
proceeded to tell Rumpus
of his “Boys’ Night Out”
freshman year. “Shout out
to Dane Underwood. We
said, ‘let’s go out and just
go crazy.’ At this one point,
I remember laying on the
couch, feeling like there
were rocks in my pocket
and thinking ‘how does one
move when there’s so much
gravity in the way’.”
Partying until you’re
hindered by gravity? Sounds
like Rumpus’s kind of man.
“I remember very little,
but I remember two of my
friends were making out in
the corner and touching each
other, and I just came over
and I put my hands on them.
Neither of them knew where
this third hand was coming

from, and I was like, ‘This is
incredible!’”
Besides third wheeling
sexual
encounters
and
being beautiful, Theo is on
the Men’s Volleyball team
and works as a Science and
Engineering Tour Guide
and as a Orgo lab staffer.
In other words, “I clean
tables, and Anna yells at me
to clean tables. I don’t even
get paid a lot.” A Chemical
Engineering major, he got
off the pre-med struggle bus
freshman year to pursue the
countless other ways to help
people that exist.
Sensitive, fun, smart, and
devishly handsome. Perfect
bachelor, right? Wrong.
Unfortunately, this God’s
gift to mankind is adorably
devoted to his boyfriend, for
whom he makes mix CDs
and plans cute biking dates.
“Shout out to my bae,” Theo
said.
“And fuck the guy who
coughed last year and then
touched all the fruits in
Commons. I saw you.”
—CHELSEA GUO

smooth transition to med
school, where she’ll go after
taking a gap year to work
for a healthcare consulting
company. The prospect of
being a doctor—perhaps
a pediatrician or pediatric

surgeon—appeals to her,
both for the challenge that
bring out the best in her as
well as for the opportunity
to help one’s fellow human.
“You’re giving someone life,
which is great,” a hopeful

Stephanie says. The context
of our meeting is far from
medical, but I get the sense
that, over the course of our
conversation, she’s given
Rumpus a bit of life, too.
—JACKSON BLUM

THEO
AGBI

most beautiful

SANITATION
WATCHDOG

Stephanie Granada (MC
’15) grew up in sunny
Miami,
first
speaking
Spanish, the language of
her parents. While fluent in
English now, she retains a
rapid Colombian pace in her
speech. As she rattles details
of her life story to Rumpus,
there is a slight sense of
urgency in the air that

Being the first in her
family to go to college,
Stephanie is making an
academically ravenous
name for herself. She
takes part in research in
a Yale stem cell lab and
in the pediatric division
of Yale-New Haven
Hospital, in addition
to working two other
jobs and regularly
volunteering
as
an interpreter at a
free clinic. Some
Yalies—your dear
most beautiful writer included—
PRE-MED would crack in a
lifestyle in which
excites us. “I was this nerdy Stephanie appears to
little girl who didn’t really thrive.
talk to people,” she claims,
Through it all,
“I didn’t have a typical she embraces the
Hispanic voluptuous body, work hard, play hard
so growing up, I thought mentality. Stephanie
Photo by Aaron Berman
I was an ugly duckling.” is a devoted Pi Phi
Rumpus looked Stephanie sister, and has met
over; typical or not, she most of her friend
her big-little family dressed
certainly is far from ugly at group through the sorority. as cats and ventured out to
this point. Her slender Latin “It sounds really cheesy, but Catwalk, which is apparently
body provokes double takes, whatever,” she comments. an annual tradition.
and she has the smile of Indeed,
Stephanie.
Stephanie’s active, jamsomeone worthy of sharing Whatever.
Among
her packed college experience
your life with.
wildest nights was when seems conducive to a

STEPHANIE
GRANADA

16

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Sam Maroste
When these two Rumpus specializes in the music
writers were first assigned and tradition of the African
to profile Shades of Yale, we diaspora, may be modest
were shocked to hear that about being named one of
they hadn’t been featured in Yale’s 50 Most Beautiful,
they
feel
a 50 Most issue
strongly about
before. When
what
makes
asked
how
most beautiful the
group
many members
beautiful.
of the group
YAAASSS “It’s
the
shared
our
cohesiveness of
disbelief, only
Kaye Burchfield (TC ’18) the group… that we all come
said she wasn’t surprised in from different backgrounds
the slightest to be selected and still work well together.”
Given
Rumpus’s
this time around. We admire
your confidence, girl. You commitment to hard-hitting
journalism, we decided to
tell ‘em.
Though Shades, the co- put the group’s collaborative
ed a cappella group that style to the test by asking

SHADES

them to convey the meaning
of Shades through a variety
of mediums.
If Shades were an animal,
what would it be?
A
peacock.
No
explanation
necessary…
No, a platypus — a random
assortment of everything….
But like, I feel like elephants
have this soft of presence
about them, you know? …
Or a zebra. The patterns on
a zebra are never the same,
just like how we’re all our
own special snowflakes. I
mean, zebras. We’re all our
own special zebras. Mhm.

If Shades were a sex
position, what would it be?
Something
including
body rolls… Guys, we’re
every sex position… I think
we’d be standing up — in the
name of equality! … How
about the flying lotus? [A
schematic is passed around.]
… I’m telling you guys,
something with body rolls.
If everyone in Shades had to
get the same tattoo, what and
where would it be?
On our ribcage… You
know, some people get
tattoos on their inner lips.
The mouth is the source
of all of our music! … I

want a Black Power fist on
our chest. Right there. …
Do you guys think a finger
tattoo would work?
Turns out they’re not as
cohesive as they want to let
off, given their inability to
come to a consensus on any
of the questions we asked
them. However, that very
fact highlights just how
diverse their group is: in
vocal range, personality and
body roll abilities. Rumpus
caught up with Shades right
after their Valentine’s Day
Jam, and every year fans
rave about the concert. This
year, they sang in Battell

Chapel, where they had a
full house, per usual. Shades
even claims that many fans
say that their Valentine’s Jam
leaves them impregnated
every year. Damn. That’s a
lot of child support; we hope
you’re racking up that cash,
$hade$. But, being real,
looking at their group picture
would make any living being
feel a primal urge to become
impregnated.
Stay beautiful, Shades.
—LUCAS RICCARDI
& VIVIANA ANDAZOLA
MARQUEZ

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com

17

Photo by Andrea Villena
With a 5.52% acceptance
rate and 100% yield rate,
employment as a Yale Center
for British Art tour guide is
arguably more impressive
than matriculation at Yale
itself. Headed by real-life
British Spice Girl Katharine
Spooner, the group oozes
with street credibility, sex,
Anglo-Saxonism, and sex.
Rumpus’s decision to
feature the YCBA tour
guides in the pages of
50 Most was nearly a
given, as no demographic
appreciates exclusivity and
bizarre erotic rituals more
than Yalies. Encapsulating
the essence of the group
is Yoni Greenwood’s (BR
’16) guided tour, “Death
and Homoeroticism: Queer
Narrative in British Art,”

which explores underlying
homoeroticism
in
unsuspected British places.

YCBA
GUIDES

most beautiful

UNEMPLOYED
Here’s looking at you, Eton
College.
While
some
might
accurately
attribute
adjectives such as “boring,”
“pompous,” and “curt” to
our neighbors across the
pond, the lives of YCBA
tour guides certainly do
not imitate (British) art.
A typical Friday meeting,
where guides meet and
discuss art for two hours,

more closely resembles a
Bacchanalian orgy. Guides
revel in the endless and
luxurious amenities their
employment affords them,
such as catered lunches at
some of New Haven’s finest
establishments and free
entrance to any museum in
the world. The guides also
strongly encourage groupcest, as evidenced by Joe
Murdy’s relationship with
former head guide, Anna
Flato. Unlike this author,
who spent Valentine’s Day
watching 50 Shades of Grey,
Joe and Anna contemplated
J. M. W. Turner’s use of color
and shading in Romantic
era landscape paintings.
Sickening.
As some Yalies may be
aware, the Yale Center for

British Art recently closed
its doors for a year to
undergo renovations. While
technically unemployed, the
guides have assured Rumpus
that they are still thriving.
“A strong sense of fraternity
and our mutual love of free
lunches has kept the group
close,” spoke one unnamed
guide.
Yalies
interested
in
joining the ranks of the
YCBA tour guides need not
be daunted by the formidably
low acceptance rate, for
Rumpus has compiled a list
of confidential admission
criteria. Foremost, they
prefer non-athletes. Not just
because they are “cleverer,”
but also, more practically,
because they don’t have
Friday
commitments.

Second, it is recommended
that all applicants possess a
posh British accent. Those
from South London may
want to consider elocution
lessons. Third, and perhaps
most important, applicants
should be good-looking
and svelte. The tour guides
model themselves after
their elegant mascot, the
zebra. As one outspoken
guide put it, “art is beauty,
we like art, therefore we are
beautiful.”
Still, one should not
feel intimidated by this
highly cultured and sexually
liberated group of young
academics. They partake
in many of the plebeian
rituals of millennial culture,
including the love of
tabloids and celebrity gossip.

Yet, as the reader could
probably gather by now, this
obsession mainly centers
on matters pertaining to
Great Britain. Their favorite
British celebrity? The bun
in the oven, otherwise
known as the fetus currently
inhabiting beloved Princess
Kate.
Next time you see that
cutie in HGS sipping on Earl
Grey and clad exclusively in
black cashmere, remember
Yoni Greenwood’s tour.
While the façade might
suggest reserved, refined,
and even elegant, the inside
most definitely screams butt
stuff. Long live the queen.
—HALEY SPROULL

18

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

In the black hole of snow
and despair that is New
Haven in February exists
Issa Saunders (ES ’15).
For Issa, the Bahamas are
not just a mythical place
where warmth and sunshine
exist, but also her actual

is devoted to rehearsing with
the companies A Different
Drum and Yale Dance
Theatre—even when she is
hung-over and would rather
be doing something else.
If you haven’t had a chance
to catch a performance
because you find leaving
your room a laughable
practice in the face of a
vengeful winter God, you
can catch exclusive live
most beautiful shows at Saturday Toad’s,
UBER REGULAR where Issa takes advantage
of the relative anonymity
home. You could almost in the QPac-heavy crowd
cry hearing about her life and breaks it down for all
island-hopping between the to see. Keeping in line with
Bahamas and Jamaica (where her island background, Issa
her father is from) and going loves incorporating bright
shopping in Miami (where colors and slightly absurd
Pitbull is from). At some shapes into her style. “My
point, she made the terrible favorite pants are tie-dye,
mistake of flying up north high-waisted, almost bellto the winter wasteland of bottom type pants,“ she
the Northeastern United shared, words that would
States and is now majoring sound positively alarming
in Political Science at Yale coming from anyone less
University.
beautiful than she.
In addition to being a
Issa’s idea of a great night
Theta sister, Issa spends a out mainly revolves around
lot of time engaging in the a boozy dinner, but her
classic beautiful-people sport standard “crazy night” story
of dance. Much of her week managed to shock even this

most wizened and hardened
Rumpus staffer. During
Spring Fling her freshman
year, Issa found herself in
a Branford suite that had
courteously provided a pair
of private strippers for some
pre-gaming entertainment.
The fact that it was still
broad daylight made it
all the weirder but, given
her dancing background,
Issa was able to appreciate
the show from a unique
perspective:
Rumpus:
I
don’t
understand, did they bring
their own pole?
Issa: No. They, uh, did a
lot of “floorwork.”
That is perhaps the
classiest reading of a private
dancer show we have ever
heard. There are aspects of
this story that are Too Hot
For Print (double-sided
dildos! Naked lap dances!),
but had we been those
strippers we would have
been honored to perform in
Issa’s presence.
If it ever feels like all the
hot, fun people at Yale are
taken, then you are right
because Issa is currently

The blonde and beautiful
Max is a Minnesota resident,
but he describes himself
as a “global citizen,” and
quite rightfully so. Despite
having lived in the US for
most of his life, Max is half

French, a quarter Danish,
and a quarter German.
Once Rumpus found this
out, we nearly fell out of our
chair and directly onto his
inviting international lap.
Rumpus did try to instigate

ISSA
SAUNDERS

We here at Rumpus have
been fans of Max Morice
(DC ’16+½) for quite some
time now, but by the end of
his 50 Most interview, it was
safe to say that we were left
supremely fangirling.

off the market as
well. Her ideal
date, which will
now be printed
here for the benefit
of her boyfriend
who better not
fuck it up, involves
wine,
cuddling,
and a movie. But
it
sounds
like
Issa is in another
relationship with
C o n n e c t i c u t ’s
Uber
drivers,
who have fallen
in love with her
looks and charm.
She practices her
Arabic with many
of the drivers and
after one heard that
she was interested
in studying the
Quran but did
not yet own one,
the driver showed
up the next day
to her front door
with a brand-new copy in
tow. She has been invited
to dine with drivers’
families and probably has
an astronomical user rating.
Not limited to taxi apps,

a conversation in French,
but we basically forgot how
to speak any sort of human
language after hearing Max’s
beautiful accent, which took
us all the way to the Eiffel
Tower and back.
Max, we quickly
found out, is not
simply confined to his
European good looks
and American charm.
He is as talented as he is
attractive and as sincere
as he is charismatic. He
played on the Men’s
Varsity Soccer team
during his freshman
year and labels himself
as the “crazy kid with the
soccer ball everywhere,”
but his passion and love
for soccer does not end
there. After freshman
year, Max actually moved
to France to pursue
a professional career
in soccer. However,
he soon realized that
though he loved soccer,
professional
football
was not for him—
Photo by Aaron Berman
seeing as it transformed

Photo by Andrea Villena
Issa’s beauty extends to all
methods of transportation—
she once got a free ride on a
packed bus from New York
to Philadelphia.
This writer once faced
a 4X Uber surcharge in

Providence, RI and could
not flirt her way out of a
$20 card minimum with a
private taxi company so, take
that how you will.
—ANDREA VILLENA

what he naturally enjoyed
doing into a monotonous
job. Regarding his eventual
return to Yale, he stated,
“The people are what
brought me back here”.

and “simply happy,” and
has been labeled a “loose
electron” by his family due
to his tendency to want to do
everything at the same time.
By the grace of Linda
Lorimer or whatever other
higher being exists, yes, Max
is single. Max described his
perfect girl as a mix between
the fun Scarlett Johansspn
and the intelligent Natalie
Portman: someone who is
adventurous,
humorous,
confident and outgoing.
His idea of a perfect date is
doing “a bunch of different
spontaneous activities,” so
if you’re looking to tie down
this loose electron, better get
your running shoes on.
When Rumpus asked
what the most important
thing in his life is, Max
replied,
“definitely
my
friends and my family.”
What a fine, upstanding
human specimen.
—YONDEEN SHERPA

MAX
MORICE

most beautiful

LOOSE ELECTRON
Currently, Max is an
Economics major and is
part of the Yale Investment
Group. He is also in Sig
Nu, but Max is not just
your typical frat boy. Apart
from partying hard and
enjoying nights out with
friends, Max also has a
deeper and reflective side to
him. Rumpus was specially
very taken by his interest
in Buddhist meditation as
a way for him to work on
his focus and discipline.
An enlightened frat boy?
That’s a new one. Max
also
describes
himself
as energetic, motivated

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
JaVaughn Thabiti (J.t.,
yes, the ‘t’ is lowercase)
Osaze Flowers (PC ’17)
wasn’t always so hot. J.t.
recalls a time in 7th grade
when a boy in his class came
up to tell him that J.t’s crush
had said his forehead looked
like a mountain range. Now,
thanks to almost a decade’s
distance from puberty,
J.t.’s only mountain-like
appearance remaining is his
glorious height and Rumpus’
temptation to climb him.
When asked about the
most beautiful part of his
body, J.t. replies that his
“nearly hairless forearms”
have always been a topic
of conversation with the
ladies. “I’ve been getting
compliments about these
bad boys since puberty,” says
J.t. “They’re baby smooth.”
But the desire doesn’t stop
at his forearms: while every
inch of J.t. may not be
hairless, you’ll still end up
wanting to touch it.
J.t. looks like one of
those hip guys in a Brooklyn
coffee shop reading a book
about birdcalls. That may

not be a stereotype, but
J.t. is so cool that he could
make it one. Hailing from
Portland, Oregon, J.t.’s
alternative West-Coast feel
has us itching to ask him
to get Kale smoothies with
us and talk about the most
recent episode of Portlandia.

Hana Bendy (SY ’17),
one of very few truly radiant
New Yorkers, explained to
Rumpus that this whole
“being super attractive”
thing never really came
up in her days at Hunter
College Middle School or
at Fieldston. ~A New York
nine’s an everywhere-else
six…/timewise: the opposite
goes for chicks~
However, Bendy is quick
to give credit to DILFy
roots. “Oh yeah, I have
such horror stories of my
dad, because even though
he’s half-Japanese and halfPolish he somehow manages
to look like Joseph Gordon
Levitt. My best friend in
middle school would come
over and be like ‘where’s
your dad?’ and I’d be like
‘Becky shut up.’” Bendy’s
mother is Taiwanese, and
after appraising a family
photo, Rumpus felt it safe
to conclude that the entire
family, complete with a taller
younger sister, is gorgeous,
all smiles.
Despite a linguistically
mixed heritage, Bendy

concedes that she only
speaks English, Ancient
Greek (the letter Theta,
most notably. In her words,
“Μου αρέσει πολύ η νέα
τάξη υπόσχεση!!,” which
was then translated for me
on the spot: “I actually really
really like the new pledge
class!!”; everyone in Greek
life knows the language of
the gods), and Spanish; she
spent the summer abroad in
Peru with llamas and a whole
new continent of admirers.
~Lima is for lovers~
As we scrolled through

JT
FLOWERS

most beautiful

FOREARMS
J.t. dresses to embody the
aura of a Portland hipster—
which, for those not in
the know, is kind of like
a 90s cartoon character.
Well known for his fashion
sense, J.t. has a wardrobe
filled with lots of geometric
shapes, grandpa sweaters,
and patterned socks.
As a former Varsity
basketball player, J.t. is hard
to miss walking around
campus, and goodness,
are we grateful for that.
J.t.’s smile towers above all
others, keeping Rumpus

HANA
BENDY

most beautiful

NEOPETS USER
some photos on her dad’s
Facebook page, she laughed
and added, “yeah, so he’s like
really weird. See? One of his
profile pictures is just a cat.
Haha, he’s so into himself,
but like babysitters were
into him too. That’s what it
was…but yeah Peru was a

stimulated all day long. He
considers basketball one of
his major loves as well as a
muse for his own personal
style, donning a small hoop
earing in one ear, a fashion
choice often criticized by his
friends. To this, J.t. quotes
Drake and asks, “Don’t
Michael Jordan still got his
hoop earring in?” Can’t
argue with that.
Not only does he look
cool, but J.t. also sounds
cool. His deep resonating
voice sounds like Mufasa
from The Lion King but in
a more comforting way. J.t.’s
voice is so powerful that he’s
found himself a member
of the spoken word group,
Word. Rumor has it that his
performances leave an entire
audience actually liking
spoken word poetry.
Currently, J.t. is studying
abroad in Rabat, Morocco,
practicing his French and
learning Arabic. Since it
may seem like forever before
you can see J.t. back on the
Yale campus, Rumpus highly
advises contacting J.t. for a
steamy Skype session. Even
lot of fun…”
On
campus,
Bendy
exclusively
drinks
tea,
keeps it positive, studies
psychology, and has “not
given up yet” on pre-med.
She’s more of a Blue State
person, but has yet to make
friends with the baristas.
Besides disarming everyone
around her with artistry and
charm, Bendy’s successful
Yale career has hinged upon
nights full of sleep. Rumpus
wonders if this is an open
invitation to cuddle? The
few nights she doesn’t
sleep, Bendy’s last-minute
rehearsing with Rhythmic
Blue and praying 500 days
to summer (JGL shoutout)
that their final show does
not land on Spring Fling
weekend. Last year, Bendy
recalls with a faraway look
in her eyes, “I was definitely
at Ja Rule and Diplo...
and maybe even a little
Betty Who. Maybe even
an opening act! It was an
ordeal.”
In her more memorable
free time, Bendy succumbs
to a mild Sims addiction.

with the weird pixilation
from shotty Wi-Fi, you can
still tell that J.t.’s forearms
are hairless.
And for those who
save video-chatting for
showing your genitals to
the Israeli Soldier you met
on Birthright, it won’t be

19

long now until J.t. is back on
campus. Between his height
and heavy extracurricular
involvement on campus, it’ll
be nearly impossible not to
run into him. So if you’re
looking for someone to go to
a vegan potluck with you at
a postmodern photography

gallery and then make out
with you afterwards Love
and Basketball-style, it might
be time to challenge J.t. to a
little game of one-on-one.
—COREY
MALONE-SMOLLA

and I think it would be really
sad for a nine-year-old if her
Neopet died, so mine’s been
alive for ten and a half years.”
In Bendy’s defense, Charlie
Bardey ‘17 recently made
a Neopets account, so “it’s
cool now, actually.” Other
addictions include hip-hop,
season tickets to New York’s
American Ballet Theatre
(but just to stay for the

first two acts…otherwise
it becomes “a lot”), Chris
Pratt, and Chris Hemsworth
(but only dressed as Thor).
Really anyone named Chris
or dressed as Thor. We
know you’re out there.
—ALICIA LOVELACE

Photo by Ishaq Pathan

Photo by Rebecca Wolenski
“I don’t hide it. I used to
go on Neopets a lot, but I
don’t really advertise that.
I actually have about,” here
Bendy’s voice lowered to a
mere whisper, “three and a
half million neopoints; it’s not
a lot.” Her account has been
active since the 2nd grade. “I
just never deleted it. And the
Neopet never dies. You just
make this little guy online

20

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

her. The sudden sensation
of attraction hits me in the
chest like a squash ball.
Before gracing all of us
at Yale with her alluring
features, Leslie was born in
Monterrey, Mexico—where
the
courtship
between
her American father and
Mexican mother began—
and grew up in Boerne, a

rural town in central Texas
that Progressive Farmer
magazine calls the fifth best
place in rural America, where
children address all adults as
“sir” and “ma’am.” Leslie’s
family has eight acres of land
on the outskirts of town
that Leslie would routinely
explore while riding her
horse, Faith. I find myself
adopting a blank stare, as
I picture Leslie traveling
towards me, saddled on top
of a mighty stallion prancing
over the Texas earth, her
long blonde hair waving
with lepidopteran freedom.
Explosions in the Sky starts
playing in my head. After
what seems like a long time,
I collect myself and, striving
to hide my fantasizing, ask
Leslie about her professional
ambitions for her upcoming
post-Yale life.
She says that law or
business school is probably

just down the road for her;
her work with an SOM
professor and Yale’s licensing
and marketing department
are certainly paving that
road. The direction of her
current career path was
shaped largely by her two
older sisters: one is about to
graduate Harvard Business
School, the other is a law
clerk who carries intense
energy into the courtroom.
“She’s kind of a dominator,
which I always admire,”
Leslie says with the poise
and flawless smile of a
woman who could dominate
any man herself.
When the interview ends,
Leslie and I agree that it was
great to meet each other. I
leave. As I step outside, the
world does not feel as cold as
it did before.
—JACKSON BLUM

Who is Sunik Kim (ES
’16), one of Yale’s most
attractive—and elusive?
If you don’t know, odds
are it’s because you’re not at
Jojo’s Coffee & Tea, where
Sunik likes to keep a “low
profile,” joining the ranks of

some of New Haven’s most
treasured residents.
“There’s this kind-of old
lady who I feel like every
time I’m here she’s nodding
at me? There’s also an old
guy and the last time I was
here he vomited on his

sandwich and nobody batted
an eye,” he said.
Sunik truly seemed in
his element during our
interview in Jojo’s. I noticed
the “kind-of old lady”
nodding at him from across
the room while we talked,

When I finish walking
through a snow-torn New
Haven and first shake
Leslie Lambert’s (SY ’15)
hand, I am shocked that I
have shared a campus with
a woman this beautiful
for more than three years
without being this close to

LESLIE
LAMBERT

most beautiful

TEX-MEX COMBO

Photo by Carly Lovejoy

Photo by Sam Maroste

as if to say, “Yes. I approve
of Sunik Kim (ES ’16) for
Rumpus 50 Most 2015.”
“From what I have heard
around town,” the kind-of
old lady continued, “Rumpus
is hardly the first Yale
publication to take a crack
at that sweet young bod.
On occasion, while here,
in this very seat at Jojo’s
Coffee and Tea, I have seen
Sunik be interviewed by
so-called ‘journalists’ from
Herald and the YD“N”. Yet,
in all my time watching
Sunik from afar, I’ve never
seen that glimmer in his
eyes before. I’ve never seen
him laugh like that, with a
grin so wide you can see his
second bicuspids. Yes, this
interview with Rumpus looks
like something special.”
“I wonder what they’re
talking about. Usually with
the other reporters it’s just
about the music. Sure,
Sunik records and performs
electronic music, but you
can tell he doesn’t live to just
talk about it all the time. No,
the way he’s sitting forward,
attentive, the nylon of his
trademark orange jacket
taut against his shoulder
blades—this must be an
interview probing deep into
the heart of what it is to be
Sunik Kim.”

“I hope that Rumpus
boy asks some probing
questions. What does Sunik
look for in a lover? He looks
for someone with good hair,
I’d imagine. A music lover—
someone who plays the
soprano saxophone. Midlevel cooking skills. Kenny
G, more or less. Where
would he go on a date with
his Kenny G stand-in?” The
sort-of old lady leaned back

SUNIK
KIM

most beautiful

JOJO’S MAINSTAY
and lightly touched her
upper lip with her fingertip.
“Sunik’s a playful boy. The
way he bounces his foot
while he sits—he’d want to
go to a pet store. Maybe an
aquarium. Touch a ferret.
Buy a goldfish. He’s a caring
soul.”
“That boy from Rumpus
keeps nervously sipping
his tea. He must be going
over the basics, still easing
into the interview. Major.
English. Why. Liked to
write in high school. Typical
weekend night. Do a lot of
speed, hit up a froyo place.
Which one. Froyo World. It’s

amateurish, really. Anyone
who’s followed Sunik for a
week at 50 paces behind and
across the street would know
that. He likes the tart froyo.
The one that doesn’t seem to
have a taste except for that
mysterious bit of sourness.
That’s Sunik—mysterious.
And slightly sour-tasting.”
“Of course, I know what
he’d say. The ‘mysterious
vibe’ is just part of the long
con. It’s all about branding.
One day, Sunik will be on
dorm-room posters. He’ll
be Audrey Hepburn in
Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Bob
Marley laughing with a joint.
‘Keep Calm and Carry On.’
He’ll be like those women
with the Pink Floyd albums
painted on their backsides.
Except with his own albums.
And his own backside.”
“He’ll be a legend,” the
kind-of old lady said, absentmindedly digging a finger
into the soft, spongy whole
wheat of her sandwich. “I’m
privileged just to see him
every day. If just once he’d
look my way.” The kind-of
old lady inhaled sharply, and
behind a thick plastic lens,
her eye moistened.
“Please, Sunik—please.”
—NICK HENRIQUEZ

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
In 2000, Yale University
announced that it would
take two billion dollars
from its cocaine slush fund
and invest it into science
and engineering. With the
matriculation of mechanical
engineer Yuri Gloumakov

(PhD), all of that has money
has finally paid off.
With piercing blue eyes
and a jawline that could cut
diamonds, Yuri certainly
is a figure to be noticed.
Oddly, he sees himself as the
opposite of the Dos Equis

man.
“I’m a very boring person”,
he insists. Yuri, however, is
wrong. Everything about
him elicits interest from
Rumpus—though that may
just be us fixating on his
chiseled features. When he’s

Photo by Anna-Sophie Harling

If you’ve ever done a proclaimed religion is Deva
double take, checking to Curl, a product designed
make sure you were sober specifically for curly-haired
because you thought you saw individuals but that you
the girl from Brave staring could probably also use to
you down from across Old make sure your pubes stay
Campus, you’re apparently neat and primped.
not alone. Sophie Dillon
While not working in her
(DC ’17) says that her fiery role as the campus brand
red curls, like
representative
a
“sculpture
for Deva Curl,
on top of her
Sophie can be
head,” are often
found on-stage
the first thing
performing
most beautiful with the Viola
people notice
about
her—
QUEEN OF Question, Red
meaning that
Poker,
COMEDY Hot
she gets Brave
W O R D ,
references hurled at her at the Yale Slam Team,
least once a day.
and
Common
Room,
Maintaining
such
a her collaborative theater
beautiful head of hair isn’t group. You read that right:
easy, of course. Sophie didn’t with her impeccable time
know how to properly care management skills, Sophie
for her curly mane growing effortlessly juggles this
up, which caused more than slew of performing groups,
its fair share of angst. Asked compartmentalizing work
about her beauty routine and play in a fashion not
today, Sophie admits she unlike fellow Red Hot Poker
bases a “shocking” amount member and curly-haired
of her daily schedule off diva Madison Alworth (50
of her hair care needs, as it Most 2013).
takes six hours for her hair
Sophie might also be
to dry completely. Her self- one of the only Yalies whose

SOPHIE
DILLON

anus you’ve seen on screen.
In an infamous (and sadly,
now-nonexistent) YouTube
video released a few days
before The Game this past
year, Sophie got her chance
to take a jab at the assholes
who made those shitty On
Harvard Time videos the last
two years. In it, she poses
as a Harvard admissions
representative lecturing to a
group of unenthused innercity students about the lives
they could lead in beautiful
Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Eventually, she flaunts her
Harvard resume: a marker
drawing of her own anus.
While the video drew
wide acclaim at Yale, Sophie
said some of the reactions
she received from Harvard
students at The Game
weren’t so friendly. She
did get a fair share of selfie
requests from drunken
football fans, sure, but others
criticized the “questionable”
dynamics they saw depicted
in the video. As it turns out,
the Viola Question hosted
an annual joint improv
show with one of Harvard’s

not working on building
robotic prosthetics in the
GRAB lab (we have no idea
what that is but it sounds
hot), you may see him
dancing with Rhythmic Blue
(who doesn’t love a man who
can cut a rug?), working out
with the club gymnastics
team, or cheering on Yale’s
Men on Ice at the Whale
Tail (with that last name, is
anyone surprised?).
Even his background is
intriguing. Born in Ukraine,
Yuri spent some of his
childhood in Israel before
moving to Boston with his
family, and then spent his
undergrad in New York
at the Lite Blue Ivy. This
international
upbringing
has given him a faint but
irresistible accent, at the
slight expense of a welldefined homeland. “I’m a
permanent foreigner”, Yuri
says.
If you, reader, are as
enthralled as we are, then
you’re in for a treat—Yuri is
as fun to date as he is to look
at. He loves spontaneity,
and enjoys keeping a girl

21

(obligatory apology to the
gay men of Yale) on her
toes. He even likes bending
the rules from time to time,
great for everyone with a
penchant for a bad boy.
The best date Yuri’s ever
been on was when he and

“Confidence is key, so make
a decision and stick with
it—even if it’s bad, you can
have a good time.” And,
most importantly, “Never
get coffee.”
Luckily for freshmen, Yuri
will be here a while—he’s
currently in his
first of six years as
a doctoral student.
However, he has
no interest in a
most beautiful M a y - D e c e m b e r
GRAD STUDENT romance, not least
of all because he’s
his lady friend snuck into currently seeing someone.
the Cathedral of St. John
“I can’t see myself dating
the Divine—special to him a woman who was way
because “it was out of the younger than me”, Yuri said,
ordinary…I knew neither to the despair of all future
of us was ever going to Yalies.
have that experience again.”
Sorry, underclassmen—
(Plus, there’s nothing like guess you’ll have to settle
some religious imagery to for looking at Yuri longingly
really get our bush burning, from afar. Though for all you
if you know what we mean.) SWUGs (#2013anyone?)
To the gentlemen out out there, your prayers may
there desperately taking have finally been answered.
notes, Yuri has a few tips.
—MARY KATE
“Play to your strengths.
DILWORTH
Do something unexpected,
but that you’re comfortable
with”,
Yuri
advises.

YURI
GLOUMAKOV

Photo by Ihna Mangundayao
comedy groups later that
night, during which the
whole troupe got “revenge
drunk” during Harvard’s
set and got all sorts of
disrespectful.
Hailing from exotic New
Haven, Connecticut, Sophie
feels that Yalies are prone
to a lot of misconceptions
about the city. It was
weird, she says, to watch
people experience New
Haven for the first time

during freshman year while
herself
already
having
deep associations with it.
A particularly important
message she’d like to get
across to Yalies: “downtown
is NOT the dangerous part
of New Haven.”
Much
like
Rumpus,
Sophie admits she has
“terrible” taste in men.
What kinds of guys float
her boat? Unsurprisingly,
most important to her is that

a man have a good sense of
humor. Beyond that, she
looks for people who are
smart, but not necessarily
bookish—“academic on their
own terms.” We at Rumpus
don’t think we’re academic
on anyone’s terms, but that
doesn’t mean we’re not still
pining for a spot on her jampacked “to-do” list.
—AARON BERMAN

22

RUMPUS

Dr. Grant Wiedenfeld,
as he is now known after
completing the sixth and
final year of his PhD, (a
feat with which Rumpus
is extremely impressed;
the closest we’ll probably
ever get to a PhD is Pizza

him Rumpus’ unparalleled
legacy of finding the Truth
and Beauty on campus,
and that to him was just
a validation of his mom’s
constant reminder of how
beautiful he was as a child. “I
hope that being nominated
doesn’t make me
conceited.
But,
when you’re a
young academic in
grad school, it’s a
most beautiful nice affirmation to
CINEASTE be in your issue,”
he told us. Asked
Hut Delivery) reached his about everyone’s favorite TA
interview straight from in the English department,
pick-up basketball (which “I feel like I’m one-upping
gets quite intense against James Franco because I’m in
those cut-throat Med school your issue before he is. So
researchers) wearing a tweed that’s a great ego boost as
jacket and quirky yellow- well.”
and-black socks.
A huge film buff (he’ll
This ENGL 114: US be teaching a course on
Sports and Media instructor French cinema in Paris this
from Des Moines, Iowa summer), Dr. Wiedenfeld
thought that his offer to be in is an avid patron of the
Rumpus’s 50 Most Beautiful Yale Film Center. “I love
was actually spam. He was pondering
intellectual
flattered to the point where problems.
That’s
the
he thought to himself, “is this trouble with combining
for real?” Some “internet- pop culture and humanities:
savvy sleuthing” revealed to your work life blends a lot

GRANT
WIEDENFELD

Photo by John Chirikjian

yalerumpus.com
with your non-work life.”
Rumpus wishes we had
those problems. The only
problem we usually ponder
is whether or not to make
the walk to Popeye’s. “I also
enjoy Ultimate Frisbee and
rock climbing; it takes my
mind off my intellectual
dilemmas.” But, don’t be
intimidated, ladies – his
idea of an ideal first date is
actually quite simple: “to
meet someone in a new place
where there is something to
explore together. It could be
something like, let’s ride our
bikes to the taco trucks by
Ikea… something that gives
us an opportunity to walk
and talk. Maybe, hiking
or playing card games, or
dancing; contra dancing,
square dancing.”
Best thing about Yale,
Dr.
Wiedenfeld?
His
answer did not disappoint.
“I love teaching. But more
importantly, I love to learn
from the highly energetic
students in my class who are
all from different places and
have highly diverse interests,
from the casual sports fan to

Photo by Rebecca Wolenski
varsity athletes.”
Just as he charmed
Rumpus
during
his
interview, he has previously,
as it turns it out, used his
beauty to charm his way to a
French Residents’ Visa.
“If you want to live in
France for more than three
months, they need to give
you a kind of permit to live
there… It’s a lot of paperwork

and a crazy bureaucracy.
A lot comes down to the
attitude of the person in the
Embassy’s booth. Firstly,
I spoke French—they like
that—then I just stared
into her eyes while talking
to her, searching for the
beauty in them. I think I also
complimented her earrings,
so that probably helped
too,” he chuckled a gravelly

chuckle.
Dr. Wiedenfeld sounds
extremely
smooth
in
English, and Rumpus can
only fantasize about what he
sounds like in French.
—SONALI CHAUHAN

Nia Froome (BK ’15)
once waited in line for 12
hours in the middle of a
hurricane to get front row
seats at a Beyoncé concert.
Rumpus once waited
outside Nia’s Swing Space
door for 36 hours with no
bathroom breaks just to see
her. It was enough to hear
the sweet sound of her voice
as she reported us to Yale
Security.
Nia is spicy but sweet,
just as her Camp Kesem
name, Cinnamon, suggests.
Her
calm,
effortlessly
cool demeanor instantly
captivated Rumpus and gave
us heart palpitations.
The only thing as hot as
Nia is her cooking. She bakes
out of a commercial kitchen
in the Bronx, and calls her
operation Mama Nia’s Vegan
Bakery. Come. To. Mama
(Rump). Her other passion
in life is roller skating. She
says it’s her “primary leisure
activity.” Nia’s dream come
true would be to open a
roller skating rink with an
educational center and a full
service vegan bakery and

café right in the middle of
Brooklyn (her hometown).
Same for us, but with an
auxiliary coke den.
If you’re looking to check
Nia out on the weekends,
you probs won’t be able to.

says. True.
If you’re wondering
which suite she’s talking
about, you can just search it
on Yale Facebook, which will
literally tell you the answer.
We don’t know why people
don’t do this more often!
Nia’s perfect guy has
to be sweet and genuinely
good-natured, disqualifying
all of Rumpus ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
“I’m a big sucker for baby
faces,” (attn: class of 2018).
She likes broad shoulders,
cuddlers, and guys who
love popcorn as much as she
does—which sounds like a
euphemism! Alternatively,
Nia will settle for fugglies
that have amazing singing
abilities, disqualifying all of
Rumpus ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
In conclusion, Nia is
seriously the sweetest and
if you ever hurt her Rumpus
will literally eff you up.
Probably.
—REBECCA
WOLENSKI

NIA
FROOME

most beautiful

SKATER GIRL
:( She’s mostly a homebody
who likes to chill with her
friends on the weekend,
sipping red wine and
watching movies. Rumpus
does the same thing except
with adult films and grain
alcohol and also we’re
completely alone. She does
appreciate the “lazy turnup,” though, and really
enjoys dancing, so you do
have a shot at the occasional
sighting at Toad’s. “But
getting turnt with friends in
your warm suite with good
speakers and actin’ the fool in
sweatpants is nice *always*.
That’s the difference,” she

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
Photo by Sam Maroste

The first time Rumpus
ever encountered Austin
Johnson (PC ’16) was
online in August 2012.
Intrigued by his exotic name
and hugely popular profile
pictures, we stalked his
Facebook for approximately
3 more months, created an
Austin shrine in an LDub
common room, sacrificed

AUSTIN
JOHNSON
most beautiful

LACTOSE
INOLERATOR
a koi fish in his name (RIP
Don Quixote), and then
finally met him in the flesh
in 2014, at which point
everyone climaxed. He
doesn’t know this, but we
guess now he does.
If you don’t know
who Austin Johnson is,
you are so fetch, in that
you
never
happened.
He
is
unambiguously
multitalented, multilingual,
and uniracial. He’s a singer,

a Fencer (the club, not the
varsity sport), and a tour
guide at the Yale Center for
British Art. [Note to readers:
it has become apparent to
Rumpus that being a YCBA
tour guide is the common
denominator for many a
50-Moster…so if you’re
looking for a place to gaze
at some real art, you know
where to go].
His
singing
voice,
showcased in all of the
Baker’s Dozen’s shows,
is buttery with oaky
undertones. His favorite
song to sing is the family
favorite, “Pussy is Mine”
by Miguel. He promises
to always think of Rumpus
when he sings this from now
on (and we maintain that he
always has).
It wasn’t until Yale that
Austin realized he was
beautiful: he was walking
down York Street when two
drunk betches dressed as
albino porcupines catcalled
him. He felt “partially
flattered
and
partially
violated.” Much the same
way Rumpus feels every time

Arizona Greene
(SY
’18)
is
downright dreamy.
“What is it that
makes this girl so
damn cute?” Rumpus
wondered, unable to
tear our gaze from
her. “Maybe it’s
her charm? Maybe
it’s her buoyant
disposition? Maybe
it’s STEM?” The
answer
remained
unclear. All that was
certain was that this
aspiring Engineering
and Latin American
Studies major had
sent our collective
hearts rocketing to
the moon.
Arizona is from
Georgia
(how
geographically
diverse!).
Hailing
from the small city of
Carrollton, she says it
was a big adjustment
transitioning from
life in the rural
South to life in
New Haven. Still,
she has managed to

YD”N” writers offer
us sexual favors in
exchange for a place
in 50 Most, to no
avail.
Now let’s get
down to brass tacks. I
bet you’re wondering
how you can wiggle a
sniggle into Austin’s
pantaloons?
We
have great news for
you because he is
S I N G L E. In fact,
“I don’t even have a
type; they only need
to be 5’10” or above”
(at 6’3” himself,
not an unreasonable
thing to look for).
Suitors should also
have facial hair “just
beyond five o’clock
shadow where you’re
like holy shit.” Austin
says he really likes
“super Scandinavian
blond hair blue eyes
types but also African” men.
So if you somehow manage
to fit ANYWHERE in that
very narrow range, you
might have a shot! If not,
we recommend looking into

form some pretty strong
bonds here in “the North.”
She has grown close with
her roommate and has
graciously adopted the girls
next door as her de facto
suitemates (she puzzlingly
calls them “the hot uncle

ARIZONA
GREENE

most beautiful

GEORGIA PEACH
you spend a lot of time
with”). Arizona is also a
Recruitment Coordinator
for the Admissions Office
and a member of Sabrosura,
Yale’s Latin Dance Team.
Though her interests and
(ass)ets would lead you to
believe otherwise, Arizona
is not actually Latina. In
Sabrosura, she is known
as the “Latina Honoraria”
which
translates
most
accurately to “white girl with
a booty.”
When Rumpus asked Ms.
Greene how she felt about
being asked to be in 50

Most, her response surprised
us: “So first thing I did
obviously was, like, Google
that shit to figure out what
you were talking about.”
Rumpus: “So you hadn’t
heard of 50 Most?”
“I had no clue.” Oh to
be young, beautiful, and
ignorant!
Eager to hear about her
love life (and how to become
a part of it), Rumpus asked
Arizona what her ideal
romantic partner would be
like. “ The first five guys I
hooked up with at Yale were
all Latino Jews. I don’t know
how it happened, but it
did.” Rumpus unfortunately
did not fall into either of
those categories, though
we’ve certainly overcome
adversity before. In regard
to her most embarrassing
moment of the year, Arizona
recalled a night when she
was hooking up with one
of her Semitic-Latin lovers
on the futon in her common
room and things did not
go as smoothly as she had
anticipated. “It was like
probably one in the morning.

23

My roommate was asleep,
and we (she and her Hebrew
Casanova) managed to flip
my futon over on itself,” she
spilled. “He was mortified.
I thought it was hilarious. I
was laughing hysterically.”
It seems this Peach State
paragon can even enjoy a
laugh at her own expense.
Just
when
Rumpus
thought
Arizona
had
exhausted all her cool, she
stood up and took her jacket
off, revealing a multicolored
tattoo shaped like the state
of Georgia on her upper
back. “My favorite place in
the entire world is this place
called The Corner Café…
My dad is a musician, and I
grew up listening to him play
music there all the time. The
tattoo is the mural from that
place.” To commemorate our
time with Arizona, Rumpus
got a tattoo of the Blue State
logo—too bad we couldn’t
show it to her in public
without inviting a public
indecency charge.
—JORDAN COLEY

Photo by Walden Moeller-Davis
plastic surgery—Austin is
worth it.
Austin doesn’t really like
one night stands; on the
other hand, one day stands
are dope. You can catch his
eye by literally catching his

eye. “I’m very big on eye
contact” he says. You can
also try seducing him with
his favorite food: classic
mac and cheese. However,
he may die after eating it—
unfortunately for Austin,

he’s super lactose intolerant.
It’s a toss up—but who
wouldn’t be willing to risk
killing for this killer bae?
—REBECCA
WOLENSKI

24

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Rumpus firmly believes the board for club running.
that if every cellist looked Rumpus thinks this diversity
like Paul Kyumin Lee (SY of activities would set a
‘17), classical music in great example for any semiAmerica would see a massive hypothetical future children
resurgence in popularity. he might have with us.
Paul has great taste.
Most of Yale first spotted
Paul when he starred in His favorite publication is
“ O B V I O U S LY
YSO’s Halloween
Rumpus.” With
Show; Rumpus,
a devilish grin,
along with all
Paul told us he
the girls and gays
“know[s
his]
in
attendance,
most beautiful way around the
s w o o n e d .
RumpChat
YSO dining hall.” He
was
almost HEARTTHROB can “toss a pretty
mean
salad,”
immediately
swarmed with posts asking which never includes onions
one important question: to avoid bad breath (how
are Paul and his YSO co- thoughtful of him!). These
star, Jaclyn Freshman ’16, salads do, however, often
dating????
While
this include walnuts, because
Rumpus writer did NOT Paul’s grandma once told
write that question, she was him that they’d make him
as happy as anyone to hear smarter because they are
shaped like brains. Paul, a
of Paul’s single status.
We aren’t sure it’s Political Science and East
possible for somebody to Asian Studies double major,
be as perfect as Paul. In clearly doesn’t need them.
Paul is complicated.
addition to playing cello
for YSO, Paul is involved We asked Paul to describe
in YIRA, is Vice President himself in one word. “Walt
of Yale for North Korean Whitman once said, ‘I am
Human Rights, and is on large I contain multitudes’

PAUL
LEE

Fiona Lowenstein (SY
’16) is what they call a
“classic beauty”: she has
blonde hair and blue eyes
and is from Harlem. She
is also a regional pageant
winner. But she is also a
smart person, with many
thoughts. Here are some
things Fiona said in an
interview. She is very nice.
She was a nice person to
talk to for my first interview
article. She said many
things.
“It’s hard for me to think
if my hair’s not perfect,” is
one thing she said.
She is a History major.
This is why she is good at
numbers.
“I can tell you some
statistics about pageants,”
she said. “One in every four
pageant contestants is a
pageant winner. I know from
personal experience because
there were four contestants
and I was one of them and
also I was the winner.”
Fiona also knows quite
a bit about what it takes to
have a nice body.
“One in every ten bodies

or something like that,” he
replied. After taking DS
last year and doing a lot
of existential pondering,
he decided to spend three
weeks in the northern
Spanish mountains on the
pilgrimage of Camino de
Santiago in order to really
think about life. He met
and spent much of his time
walking with a 44-yearold gaucho from Valencia
named José.
Paul first knew he
was beautiful when his
grandmother told him
he looked like K-Pop star
Kim Soo Hyun. Rumpus
checked, and Paul is way
hotter than Kim Soo Hyun.
Besides his abs, for which
his favorite exercise is
called “the baby-maker,”
he decided after careful
contemplation that his
favorite feature was his
eyebrows.
When asked about love,
Paul told us a tragic story.
In middle school, when he
used to be “chubby without
a lot of confidence,” he
pursued his first crush via

is a nice body. And one in
every ten of those bodies is
a ‘Dance Mom.’ And 30% of
everyone on Tinder is me.”
Fiona has had a nice body

“My washboard abs are
a really big part of my style.
I either have them, like, as
a part of my stomach, or I
draw them on using a dark
brown
pencil,
depending on the
season,” she said.
“They’re like the
cherry blossoms
most beautiful in Washington,
PAGEANT QUEEN D.C.: in the
springtime they
since when she was born.
flourish, and crowds flock to
“I was born a fully- see them; and in the winter,
grown woman,” she said. you wonder where they
“Sometimes I would dress went, but you’re confident
as a baby to make it less that they’ll be back and that
awkward.
But
people beauty is not gone from the
knew that something was world.”
different. When I crawled,
Fiona does things to stay
it was always very seductive, healthy.
because of my womanly
“I’m actually on a cleanse
curves.”
right now,” she said. “It’s a
Still she is like a baby in juicy cleanse. Which is kind
some ways.
of like a juice cleanse, except
“I have been told I have you only eat juicy chicken,
the bottom of a baby. […] like Shake ‘n’ Bake, which is
People have said that about the secret to juicy chicken.”
my face. That my face is like
She does other things
a baby’s bottom.”
to stay healthy, too. She is
Yet Fiona also has other interested in raising health
features, some of which are awareness, including being
not like a baby.
in the Sphincter Troupe.

FIONA
LOWENSTEIN

Photo by Anna-Sophie Harling
AIM. He would send her
daily personalized videos,
do her homework for her,
and once bought her a fancy
pair of headphones. Shit.
Despite this, his love was
unrequited. Clearly this
girl was a total idiot, which
makes sense as she now goes
to Harvard. Paul associated
this episode with the start of
“It’s a very serious and
highly-respected
campus
group devoted to promoting
anatomical
consciousness
raising,” she said. “Our
motto is, ‘Find the sphincter
in you.’”
Fiona has a lot of hopes.
“I have a lot of hopes,”
Fiona said. “One of them is
world peace. In Stamford,
Connecticut.”
Do you think Fiona is
attractive? Here is what she
thinks is attractive.
“I’m desperately seeking a
Susan who is a lot like myself
and also owns an immersion
blender,” Fiona said.
She has advice for you in
case you want to be like her
or be her friend.
“Remember that every
time the Harkness bells
ring, an angel loses its
wings and I match with
someone on Friendsy,” she
said. “Hydration is very
important.”
Thanks for a fun
interview, Fiona! You are
very nice.
—NICK HENRIQUEZ

his punk rock phase: he said
his “heart’s been closed off
ever since.”
Paul has never been in a
relationship, but Rumpus
knows it is just a matter of
time. His perfect partner is
spontaneous and can make
him laugh. His perfect
date would start exploring
random parts of New Haven

like the lighthouse and end
on a rooftop at 2 am. On a
completely unrelated note,
this Rumpus writer once
impulsively AND hilariously
stuck post-its notes on her
face and walked around the
library, has an Uber account,
and also has a room with
access to the Vanderbilt roof.
—ALEX SAIONTZ

Photo by Carly Lovejoy

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
When Keith Bond (BK
’16) arrived at the topsecret location at which this
interview was conducted,
we were surprised to see
that this soccer star’s arm

Zunaira Arshad (BR ’17)
will make you feel bad about
yourself. But she doesn’t
mean to.
“I want [people] to feel
bad for being like, ‘This
person’s only in it because
they’re pretty,’” she says, a
note of indignation in her
voice as she and Rumpus
chat in a classroom in Bass.
“I want to be in it for another
reason.”
Ok, so maybe she does
mean to make you feel bad.
But it’s not out of malice.
Rather, Zunaira wants
to push people to look
through the superficial into
the true Satreian essence
of personhood bubbling
behind our eyes, the infinite
consciousness embodied and
thus encaged inside a crude,
terrestrial form. That’s
literally what she wants from
you. Although if Zunaira
wants 50 Most to be the
venue for an existentialist
critique of personhood
and related conceptual
constructs, she should look
elsewhere.
Although she hesitates

was in a sling. “I get hurt a
lot. I’ve torn my meniscus,
gotten a stress fracture in
my ankle, and now I’ve
dislocated my shoulder,” he
told us. Although our first

impression of Keith was
his proneness to injury, his
natural charm and good
looks assured Rumpus that
his mere presence on campus
can heal all wounds.

A Connecticut native,
Keith hails from a closeknit household, one that
reminded Rumpus fondly
of our relationship with our
chosen family: Mohammed,
our Uber driver of
choice, and Linda Koch
Lorimer. Keith’s father,
a wallpaper hanger,
and his mother, a
businesswoman,
live
just 30 minutes away
in Trumbull, Conn. His
twin, though, lives more
like 30 seconds away,
in Branford College:
“I committed here for
soccer, and a few months
later my brother copied
me.” When asked how
his brother feels about
his lookalike being
selected for this issue,
Keith reveals where his
loyalty lies: “Dan doesn’t
know yet. You told
me this was classified
information.
That’s
why we’re whispering
in this Willoughby’s,
right?” Good work,
Keith. And yes, that’s
Photo by Julia Henry
totally
the
reason.

to describe herself, and of 50 Most reveals to her
scolded Rumpus for trying that the world is a superficial
to “put her in a box,” she will place. Which is kind of like
admit of one characteristic: saying that you didn’t realize
“I’m confused. That’s how I gravity existed until you did
would describe myself. I’m a blackout face-plant. It’s a
doing lots of things at once, little odd that someone with
and sometimes it feels like such strong feelings about
I’m doing
50 Most still
nothing.”
agreed to be
Here
in the issue,
are
the
but
that’s
“lots
of
not for us to
most beautiful judge.
things”
Z u n a i r a HOLIER-THAN-THOU
Zunaira
says she’s
also has the
doing. She’s a Global Affairs following to say about
major who’s also pre-med, Rumpus: “I wasn’t stupid
despite there being actually enough to [write for
zero overlap between those Rumpus], because that
two curricula. She’s also a would have made me…
Global Health Fellow, which I’m not going to finish that
requires eight extra classes sentence.” At the same time,
and a summer internship. though, Zunaira writes for
She’s on the board of the the Bullblog, which she
student group Organize for seems to take as somehow
Syria (although she hesitates more “morally upstanding”
to claim any authority than Rumpus. Obviously,
because “we don’t like Zunaira is misled. Now
hierarchy”), with whom she excuse us while we go steal
visited the border of Syria from orphans to pay for our
last spring break.
drug habit.
Zunaira
told
us—
Her wisdom doesn’t stop
deadpan—that the existence there. Zunaira, as discussed,

(Rumpus is having trouble
hearing you—can you lean
in closer?)
While you can normally
spot Keith on the soccer
field or hanging with his Sig
Nu brothers, you can also
catch him in his less athletic
pursuits. Rumpus sat in one
of the workshops Keith led
as a Communication and

KEITH
BOND

most beautiful

INJURED ATHLETE
Consent Educator, in which
you could tell many of the
participants had to try hard
to focus on his wise words
and not his lean physique.
When it comes to
girls, Keith is looking for
something steady, and much
prefers dates to participating
in Yale’s notorious hookup
culture. He imagines the
perfect date involving a
classic dinner and a movie.
Keith claims to be a fan of
rom-coms, but as he chose

25

what movies he would show
a girl he was really into, his
top three picks were Wedding
Crashers, any action movie,
or a marathon of the Harry
Potter series. K. Then, when
asked to finish the prompt,
I wish I had someone with
whom I could share… he
quickly responded, “Good
competition
in
FIFA,”
without even needing to
think.
As he later admitted to us,
Keith is not a very romantic
guy.
Thankfully, this doesn’t
seem to be much of a
problem for a guy in as
high demand as Keith, who
has been with his fair share
of women. Surprisingly,
though, he hasn’t been with
anybody long-term since
high school. If you want a
chance at being with this
dashing jack-of-all-trades,
we suggest you boot up your
Xbox and get practicing.
Rumpus just started playing
FIFA, and we’ve already won
15 achievements—all for
Keith.
—LUCAS RICCARDI

ZUNAIRA
ARSHAD

Photo by John Chirikjian
takes issue with the
superficiality of “Yale’s 50
Most Beautiful People.” But
she does so on surprisingly
solid philosophical ground.
“You don’t stay pretty
forever. You’re going to
age,” she tells us. “And if
something happens to you,
you get into an accident and
that reshapes your face but
your brain works the same,
people are going to see you

differently, because they’re
going to see what you look
like—but you’re going
to be the same person.”
So if we want to evaluate
people, Zunaira argues, we
shouldn’t look at physical,
external beauty. Because the
actual person lies beneath
the surface, a constant
consciousness
suspended
above the flow of time and
thus not subject to the laws

of causation, a formless
being that imprints itself
upon the world. Honestly
fuck this shit.
“I think you got my title
right there,” she says as we
pack up to leave. “I think
you’re gonna call me the most
beautiful person that should
have been a philosophy
major.” Whatever, dude.
—DAVID WHIPPLE

26

RUMPUS

Let us make this clear
right off the bat: Andrea
Fleming (SY ’18) has a
boyfriend. His name is Ben.
Andrea is neither single nor
ready to mingle. Ben, who
is probably reading this
right now, is a freshman

Here’s a list of important
details you need to know
about Henry Albrecht (MC
’17): he is a Men’s Varsity
Soccer player born and
raised in Munich, Germany,
where he learned English

Photo by Sam Maroste

yalerumpus.com
at Pomona College, but he
took a gap year to sell cars in
California. Andrea says that
Ben makes her laugh with his
immature sense of humor.
“He is a child. At dinner, I’ll
talk about politics with my
parents, and Ben will talk

at the international school
he attended since age 4.
Despite this, however, he
does not think his English
is very good—he loves to
“learn new languages and
meet new cultures.” Henry

told us a funny story about
Ben, but as we were typing
it down here we received an
email from Andrea asking
us not to include the funny
story about Ben. If you want
to know the funny story
about Ben, you’ll have to ask
Andrea herself—you
can find her at 116
Crown or Woodland
Café. Rumpus really
wants to meet Ben,
but he should also
know that he is hated
by every straight
male in the Yale
student body and
Greater New Haven
area.
Andrea
doesn’t
like blonde guys; Ben
has brown hair. “It
could be a Freudian
thing,” she explained.
“They say we’re
attracted to men who
are most like our
dads, but I’d never be
attracted to someone
too much like my dad
because my dad and
Photo by Aaron Berman
I butt heads a lot.”
Not pictured: Ben, Andrea’s boyfriend Whoa. She loves Yale
about the movie Stepbrothers
with my younger siblings.”
After spending some time
on Facebook, Rumpus has
learned that Ben is far better
looking than us, and also that
Ben wears a tuxedo far more
often than we do. Andrea

is very close with his friends
from high school: they still
message every day! He is
the youngest of four siblings
(two brothers and one
sister), all of whom went on
to US universities, though

Henry is the only one
who came to Yale. Henry’s
mother loves dogs, so their
family naturally has eight,
including 2 wolf-breeds.
One is almost 100% wolf
and the other is half husky.
Henry called himself a
“lifer,” whatever that means.
If you’re hoping to
find this mensch for some
Hump Day humping, you
can find Henry at Woad’s.
However, you won’t find
him at York Street’s finest
establishment on Saturdays:
his main weekend haunt is
Sig Nu, where he is a bruder.
Before he came to Yale,
Henry thought frats would
be more like American Pie,
his sole American cultural
influence, and as you can
imagine, getting to Yale was
a devastating experience.
He ended up joining Sig
Nu anyway because of the
soccer team and has deluded
himself into saying it is one
of the best decisions he has
made while at Yale.
Thanks
to
the
grumblings of his comeand-go girlfriends, many

guys and could see herself
dating one, but for now she
is happy with Ben. “I found
something really great, really
early in my life.” FYI, she’s
talking about Ben.
Now let’s get the boring

ANDREA
FLEMING

most beautiful

GIRLFRIEND
shit out of the way. Andrea
is a freshman in Saybrook
who lives in the same Vandy
bedroom that this writer
lived in last year, which is
cool I guess, but that still
doesn’t make me Ben. She
is from Westchester County,
NY, but went to Deerfield
for high school, where she
met Ben. She hates that her
relationship with Ben has
to be long distance, but she
loves piña coladas. She can
yo-yo very well, and she
prefers her dog Molly to her
other dogs, her turtle, the
horses across the street, her
parents, Ben, and her two
people
around
town
know that Henry likes to
spoil girls, whether that
means taking them on
adventures,
massaging
them, or just being an allaround romantic. If he

HENRY
ALBRECHT

most beautiful

ALL-EUROPEAN
were to pamper a girl in his
hometown of Munich, he
said would take his date to
an Italian restaurant close to
his house, where he claims
to know a cook who makes
best crème brûlée in the
world. His dream weekend
away from home, though,
would be at his ski house
in Austria, where he would
spend the day skiing with
his date then make hot
chocolate and fondue for her
while they sit by the fire and
watch the stars. Salivating
yet? So are we, but mostly at
the prospect of fondue being
made for us.

younger siblings. One time,
her bra fell off in front of
Toad’s and some creepy guy
picked it up.
Andrea’s parents are
pretty strict, and her Dad
once gave her a talk about
“staying pure” before she
went into the city with Ben.
They had separate hotel
rooms, but Andrea fell asleep
in Ben’s room by accident
and her Dad got mad. “I’m
not pure anymore,” Andrea
told us. FYI, she’s talking
about Ben.
Andrea
really
likes
debating and arguing about
international relations and
women’s rights. We’re sorry,
Ben. She wants to be a
lawyer, and she claims that
she can get relentless during
arguments. We’re sorry, Ben.
One time, Andrea and Ben
went on vacation to a small
island in the Caribbean
where they sipped piña
coladas at bars overlooking
the ocean. Fuck Ben.
—ADAM SOKOL

Fortunately,
Henry
says that the US has been
positively influencing him as
a person—he loves quoting
Miracle—though he still
refuses to say “soccer.” Henry
loves his football: he even
got to see Germany win the
World Cup after attending
all of their games, calling it
the “coolest experience of
his life.”
Henry appreciates what
he calls the “American
mentality” toward sports
and how big of a role it plays
in American culture. He says
it is “very cool” that despite
the early loss to Belgium
in the World Cup, some
Americans still remembered
that soccer was a sport and
not a drinking game. Exactly
which Americans he was
with at the time remains
unclear.
For those still interested,
you can find Henry in
Vikings sitting with “most
of the athletes.”
—ADELAIDE
GOODYEAR

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com
Ever since her sister
Chinasa Cooper ’12 brought
home issues of 50 Most from
Yale, Camara Cooper (BR
’16) knew she was destined
to one day appear within its
pages.
“I thought your email was
spam and almost deleted
it,” she said of her 50 Most
acceptance letter. Okay.
Camara—who also goes
by Cam to avoid others’
mispronunciation—wants to
set one thing straight: she’s
not the unfriendly beauty
you might be inclined to peg
her as. Citing that a lot of
people tell her she, like many
past and present 50 Mosters,
sports a resting bitch face,
she concedes, “I’m actually a
lot nicer than people think.”
It’s pretty hard to see
why people might mistake
Camara for inaccessible.
When Rumpus asked her
about her wardrobe, she told
us that she can’t wear enough
black. She usually goes for
dark jeans and t-shirts and
“doesn’t really wear colors.”
After extensive prying on
our part about her craziest
Photo by Aaron Berman

night at Yale, she wouldn’t
tell us anything more than
that she has “none where I’m
the protagonist.”
But behind her secrecy
and hard looks, Camara is a
genuine stunner. She thinks
her unmistakable eyebrows
are her most beautiful body
part, but things certainly
weren’t always that way:
she happens to have grown

CAMARA
COOPER
most beautiful

BROOKLYNITE
up with a unibrow when
she was younger. When she
would try to do them herself,
the resulting mess would
leave her with a face that
constantly looked shocked.
Nowadays, though, her
eyebrows are one of her
strongest features, and she
appreciates the power of
eyebrows to truly make or
break a person’s appearance.
After
spending
last
summer working at the

Memorial Sloan Kettering
Cancer Center, an experience
she described as “depressing
as fuck,” she has her sights
set a bit higher. Camara
said she plans to spend this
summer doing “basic shit.”
We’re not exactly sure what
that entails, but if it looks
anything like Rumpus’s own
“basic” summer plans, she’ll
be spending a lot of time in
bed, alternating between
Franzia and pita chips while
watching old episodes of
Scandal. After graduation,
she plans to apply to law
school and practice in the
entertainment field: she
would love to work in the
music industry, representing
artists and negotiating
contracts.
Newly turned 21, Cam
can usually be found at
Box or at Zeta, her “guilty
pleasure.” She elaborated
that she loves shaking her
ass and pregaming to “loud
ratchet music,” a pastime all
of us can get behind. She
also appreciates smaller,
quieter pregames in her own
suite—she considers her

27

three current suitemates
the “best thing that I’ve
gotten out of Yale.”
Unfortunately
for
would-be
hubbies,
Camara maintains that, at
this age, she’s not looking
for anything serious out of
a relationship. In general,
though, she prefers guys
who are on the quieter
side—loud guys are too
gossipy. Guys also have to
be above 6’ 2” to be truly
attractive in her eyes, and
she recalled with fondness
an “Intro to Study of the
City” TA who particularly
fit the bill.
So, Kirk Henderson
in
the
School
of
Management, if you’re
reading this, feel free
to hit Cam up or, if that
doesn’t work out, email
us directly at editors@
yalerumpus.com.
—AARON BERMAN

With lashes that would Rugby is definitely the
make Kim Kardashian weak companionship I have found
in the knees, William Hall with my team. I don’t think
(MC ’15) charmed Rumpus people really understand
with his humility. This how close we are with each
Philosophy major claims other. We are humans and
that his 50 Most nomination we have bodies. And we
was just the
express
our
pick-me-up he
friendship and
needed on a
affection for each
stressful workother with our
filled Saturday
bodies.” That’s
most beautiful homoerotic as
night, proving
that
Rumpus HARD-HITTING fuck and we’re
can, in fact, lift PHILOSOPHER totally
down,
spirits without
but also a bit
involving any substance off-putting
considering
abuse or sarcasm.
that “affection” in this case
Outside of pondering probably involves severe
deep philosophical dilemmas beatdowns and no fewer
in his classes on the reg, than three broken bones.
Will plays on the Yale Men’s
A huge classic rock
Rugby team, has been a co- fan, Will also has his own
editor of the Yale Philosophy rock band. Rumpus lost all
Review, and has had casual our professionalism when
stints with the Herald he mentioned he was a
(same). Aside from having fan of The Beatles, The
the full-time job of being Beach Boys, My Chemical
devastatingly
handsome Romance, and Grateful
in a very rustic way, Will’s Dead. Demand must be off
biggest involvement has the charts for a guy like this,
been the Rugby team, which but Will remains extremely
he led as President last year.
down-to-earth. His cocoa“The best part about caramel-swampy green eyes

WILL
HALL

Photo by Torie Nielsen
turned shy as he told us that
he was “more or less single,
but it’s complicated.”
His eyes bore into ours
and we are very sure he
can see into our souls and
read every one of our dirty
secrets—yes, Will, we wasted
the weekend in a succession
of being intoxicated and
hungover, and told a TA
we couldn’t finish an
assignment because we were
sick. The act was extremely
morally corrupt, and proves
Kant right—we do have a
predisposition to evil. Under
this intense gaze, he tells
us about his ideal date. “It
would be in the afternoon,
because I love afternoons—
maybe an afternoon walk in
the spring or fall. We would
turn in early and cuddle and
watch Netflix, probably
Orange is the New Black.”
Rumpus freaked out at this
one, because this is already
what we do with our lives
anyway (except for maybe
the walking part).
Will revealed a lot to
Rumpus his signature coy
demeanor, and confessed

that the “dirtiest” place he
had ever shagged someone
was a friend’s bed and the
friend didn’t know. He
also told us about the most
awkward sexual encounter
ever had.
“Honestly, I’ve had a lot of
them. Actually, most sexual
encounters I’ve had involve
some form of awkwardness.
I remember a particularly
awkward one when I was
with the daughter of a
famous musician. AC/
DC was playing in the
background, when her dad
called. I freaked out when
I saw who it was, but she
ignored the call. I couldn’t
think or say anything after
that except, ‘you ignored
[famous musician’s] call
because of me’ over and over
again.”
Rumpus is famous too,
William Hall. And, we love
people with ginger beards
and black hair, dripping
with the “blood of Scottish
men” in their veins. And
we are very good with
awkwardness.
—SONALI CHAUHAN

28

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

Photo by Anna-Sophie Harling

Just seven short months
ago, Noah Steinberg (BK ’18)
was simply a lowly busboy
working long hours for
minimum wage. Little did he
know, he was soon destined
for Yale YikYak fame. While
selling T-shirts room-to-room
at a recent high school Model

NOAH
STEINBERG

most beautiful

TEENAGE DREAM
UN conference, Noah caught
the attention of his tweenaged
customers, who proceeded to
Yak en masse about one “Noah
the T-Shirt Guy.” A star was
born. Soon, he was known
across the world’s 193 (?)
nations as the most attractive
of all T-shirt salesmen. “It was
a little uncomfortable, to be
honest,” says this living legend.
“I got like 60 Facebook friend
requests when they found out
my last name.”
This former lightweight
crew team member isn’t new
to the perks of beauty. The
Zoë Loewenberg (ES
’18) never imagined she
would be spending her
college years in New Haven
at Yale. Not because Yale
is Yale, but because Yale is
too close to home. Literally.
She lives like fifteen minutes
away because her
father is on the faculty
here. When asked
how she felt about
being selected for 50
Most, she said that
she was “flattered,
confused and excited
because I knew about it
[Rumpus] before coming
here.” Coincidence? We
think not. It’s no shocker
that Zoë was chosen to be
featured in this issue: after
even a casual perusal of her
Facebook profile pictures,
one couldn’t help but obsess
over her golden-brown
curly hair, sea-blue eyes and
photogenic appearance. It
was a no-brainer.
For those of you
wondering off the bat, Zoë
is unfortunately not on
the market. Like most of
us, Zoë came to Yale with

intentions of everything but
getting into a relationship.
In fact, she experienced the
“classic” Yale love story:
Boy meets girl. Girl and
boy don’t want to commit.
Girl and boy pretend that
they can be casual. Girl

up-and-comer
reminisced,
“I remember when I was in
3rd grade, I ran into this 5th
grader playing soccer and she
said ‘You’re going to be very
attractive when you’re older.’”
This 5th grader knew her shit—
just a glance into his sparkling
blue eyes would send anyone’s
heart aflutter. “People always
say my eyes are my best feature,
but I think it’s my fingernails.”
We agree, Noah. Those are
some fantastic fingernails.
But this beauty from Ann
Arbor, Michigan isn’t all brawn
and no brains—he intends to
double-major in economics and
mechanical engineering (ugh).
But if there was a major in
blanket fort architecture, Noah
says, that would be his first
choice. “I build blanket forts in
my spare time. Sometimes in
my room, sometimes in other
people’s rooms. I just like being
alone in the dark.” Aside from
“building blanket forts” in
other people’s rooms, Noah is
also a club wrestler and an avid
sock collector.
When he’s catching up on
his beauty sleep, Noah has
big dreams about putting his

freshman year, Zoë was academic pursuits, she
initially disappointed. “Stiles remains undecided. “I have
just seemed irrelevant,” she no real trajectory, I feel
shared, “but I came to find confused.” It’s okay, Zoë;
out it was really practical, the same thoughts run
the dean is amazing, and through our head daily. She
having a single in Lawrence did admit to having another
has really facilitated my love angle on academic pursuits,
life,” a description
that was way too
graphic for us.
When Zoë isn’t
busy lovin’ it up
most beautiful in her single,
FACULTY BRAT she spends her
time performing
and boy stop seeing other improv comedy with
people. It gets awkward. Just Add Water. Like
Girl and boy finally admit many comedy buffs at
that they want to be in a Yale, she was a theater
relationship—the end(?). geek in high school,
However, their relationship and although she was
can easily put others to experienced, the idea of
shame. When presented improv initially scared
with the question of her her. “I always knew
perfect date, Zoë described that I wanted to do it
a romantic night out with [improv, and/or sex]
her boo that culminated in but I was questioning
slow dancing in an empty it. So I thought, ‘why
SSS room—a night that was not try it’? It turned out
all but planned. Spontaneity that I loved the audition
just does it for her, she said. process, and it ended up
Upon her assignment to being a good fit.”
Photo by Aaron Berman
Ezra Stiles College before
With regard to her

ZOË
LOEWENBERG

though, when she shared,
“I want to have a crush
on a TA or a teacher. It’s
hot.” She revealed that she
hadn’t had a crush on any
of her teachers thus far, but
considering this year’s crop
of 50 Most laureates and her

training and talents to use.
“My dream job is to be a Navy
SEAL that operates a merrygo-round in his free time.”
Rumpus is impressed Noah has
the courage it takes to operate
a merry-go-round. What more
could someone ask for?
If you want to land this wellmanicured,
YikYak-famous
future SEAL, Noah “the Boa
Constrictor” Steinberg has
only a few requirements. “They
have to eat a lot of vegetables.
And they have to be able to
work out with me. That’s it.”
Noah’s health-consciousness
and practicality extend to his
love life as well. When asked
about his ideal date, he told
us that he was “not a huge fan
of movies. Not a huge fan of
just sitting around either. I’d
probably just work out.” So
there you have it, ladies. If you
want to land this health-crazed,
blanket-fort-building
hunk
(and we know you do), bulk
up on some dining hall garlic
spinach and hit the treadmill.
—TEDDY THUM

family faculty connections,
we think the potential is
certainly there.
—VIVIANA
ANDAZOLA MARQUEZ

MARCH 2015

yalerumpus.com

prefers to pick his battles.
But don’t be fooled by all
that testosterone he exudes:
Michael
mysteriously
divulged that he also has an
emotional side.
By this time, Rumpus
was all but ready to jump
into his very muscular arms,
when he revealed
that he currently has
a serious girlfriend.
While Rumpus did
shed a tear of utter
disappointment
as
he
elaborated
his
love for his girlfriend
of 4 years, we were also
pleasantly surprised to learn
that love can actually last
that long. We here at Yale
had almost forgotten that
t other things like love and
commitment can exist apart
from drunken Toad’s makeouts and morning-after
regrets.
But being the optimistic
and delusional tweens that
we are, between heavy
crying and deep sighing we
pressed on. Michael named
his celebrity crush as Niykee
Heaton—Rumpus did not

29

initially know who the
SoundCloud musician was,
but after one quick Google
search, it is safe to say that
self loathing overtook us. So,
if you’re looking to impress
Michael, it is imperative
to dress well and while
you’re at it, hit the gym.

MICHAEL
BERNARDEZ

Photo by Ken Yanagisawa
At first glance, there
is no doubt that Michael
Bernardez (BK ’16) is a fine
male specimen. As he walked
into the room with the JayZ-esque swag he so casually
emanates, we at Rumpus
could have sworn we heard
Beyonce’s
“Partition”
playing somewhere in the
background. While he came

off as slightly reserved at
first, a few lame jokes on
Rumpus’s behalf exposed a
smile that could have made
even Queen Bey crazy in
love.
When the New York
native is not busy being the
hottest person in the room,
he plays football for the Yale
team, and is a Psychology

major. But don’t worry, girls;
Michael won’t psychoanalyze
you to determine what an
actual Taylor-Swift-blankspace-level wreck you really
are—he’s admirably more
interested in using his
psychology skills to “make
better connections with
people.”
Michael described himself

It’s appropriate that
Taylor’s last name is Church
(SY
’17),
considering
Rumpus #worships #that
#body. Also because she
comes to Yale by way of
Catholic school.
“Most
people who went to Catholic,
all-girls
schools
hated
it, but not me,” she says,
taking a confident bite of
some questionable-looking
shepherd’s pie (we’re in the
back corner of JE dining
hall). Like most things, it
doesn’t faze her.
Rumpus is generally
astounded by anyone who
exhibits Taylor’s brand of
ease and composure. You
couldn’t be an EMT without
it, we presume (Taylor’s in
the final stages of getting
her EMT certification). She
went into the process with
experience, she says, having
spent high school summers
as a lifeguard in Maine—an
important job, considering
bears and moose have
trouble swimming. All this
LinkedInfo had us thinking
Taylor might be pre-med,
and when we whispered,

“Tell me your current
schedule so I know it’s real,”
Taylor mentioned a bunch
of science classes that aren’t
Issues Approach. It’s real.
Basic facts out of the way,
Rumpus sought facts for the
“Personal Life” section of
Taylor’s Wikipedia page—

Rumpus
always
asks it, and for
the right reasons
sometimes.
Find Taylor out
and about with
her Water Polo
team, or hanging
with
friends
in
someone’s
common room.
Perhaps
most
fascinating about
Taylor’s
typical
night out is her
daring
affinity
for sober Toad’s.
“What’s that like?”
Rumpus inquires,
g e n u i n e l y
curious.
“You
know, it’s always
e n t e r t a i n i n g ,”
Taylor says, and
acknowledges that
it’s fun to blow off steam
without the threat of doing
something you’ll regret. It’s
a world we at Rumpus have
never known.
Just when we thought we
couldn’t be more impressed
with Taylor, we asked her to
tell us her ideal date. “I just

TAYLOR
CHURCH

most beautiful

NEW ENGLANDER
like the part at the bottom
where you go to find out if
someone’s gay or not. She
has one brother, with whom
she’s very close; “We’re best
friends,” she says. A veritable
Maine-iac, she prefers the
woods to urban centers. “I
couldn’t sleep at all when I
first got here. It’s so loud!”
We nodded silently. Rustic
is always hot.
At this point you’re
probably
wondering,
“Where can I find Taylor on
a Saturday night?” It’s a great
question and you’re in luck—

as an “eat and kill kind of
person.” What exactly that
means, Rumpus has no
idea—we were a little too
dazzled by his casual beauty
for us to question what that
even meant, and because
football allows Michael to
channel all his masculine
aggressions, he explains
that he is pretty chill and

most beautiful

MONOGAMIST
Apart from looking like a
Vogue goddess, apparently,
Michael’s idea of a perfect
partner is a woman who is
intelligent, open-minded,
and who takes initiative and
control of her own life.
When Rumpus jokingly
inquired about who would
do the cooking in his ideal
relationship,
Michael
replied, “I actually want to
be the one that cooks.”
WHAT. Cue Taylor
Swift’s “You Belong With
Me.”
—YONDEEN SHERPA

Photo by Ken Yanagisawa
want to talk,” she says. “Like
if you take me to the movies
or to a huge party, how am
I supposed to talk to you?”
She’d rather hike up East
Rock and have a picnic or
something (and not because
she’s a FOOT leader). What
we mean is, Taylor thinks
Elvis said it worst. A little

more conversation, a little
less action. She returns to
her shepherd’s pie with a
look of desperation, à la
“Is that too much to ask?”
Honestly, yes. But we’d do it
for Taylor.
We part ways at that
weird JE patio courtyard
thing, and we’re sad to see

Taylor go. But we traffic in
predictable puns and we
know we’ve done our duty,
in that her post-50 Most
fame will have the whole
campus singing the words of
Our Lord and Savior, Hozier.
“Take me to Church.”
—PATRICK
DOOLITTLE

30

RUMPUS

yalerumpus.com

When Rumpus launched entering to a foreign country.
our annual 50 Most I come from a very small
Beautiful People Facebook town in Virginia, and still
contest, we didn’t expect had a very strong southern
that the biggest vote earner accent when I got here. I
would be a literal dog: Sasha picked Yale Law because it
McCormick, a Samoyed was the smallest law school
owned by a resident fellow I applied to. At that time,
in TD, garnered a staggering there were very, very few
women at YLS.
801 likes on her photo.
But since we’re in the
business of profiling Yale’s R: Most Yale students
50 Most Beautiful People, immediately recognize you by
we turned to our second- name as the administrator
place winner: Ms. Linda who announces when classes
are cancelled
Koch Lorimer
due to weather.
(YLS ’77),
How do you
Yale’s
Vice
feel about this
President
kind of fame?
for
Global
most beautiful
and Strategic
Initiatives,
EMAIL TSARINA LKL: There
have
been
who earned
a no-less-impressive 751 times when I thought many
students thought ‘Linda
likes.
Perhaps most popular Lorimer’ was a fiction. I
for her campus-wide emails think students would be very
announcing cancelled classes disappointed to know that I
during extreme weather, work very hard to make sure
Linda Lorimer has served that the University does not
Yale with her unparalleled have to cancel classes. Your
hard work and flawlessly parents, after all, are paying
good looks for over 30 years, a lot of money to have you
and will retire from her post come to Yale. Had I known
at the end of the academic the positive student response
those emails would produce,
year.
Linda recently made time maybe I’d have been
in her hectic schedule to tempted to cancel classes
sit down for an interview earlier on during my tenure.
with Rumpus, greeting us Now, Martha Highsmith has
with a glowing smile and taken over the role of “Email
signature TAB Cola in hand. Tsarina.”
Below is a transcript of our
R: What’s the extent of your
conversation with her.
contact with Yale undergrads?
Rumpus: Thank you so much
for taking the time to speak LKL: Alas, I now interact
with us. What was your first with students much less
reaction when you heard you regularly than I used to. I once
were selected to be in 50 Most? taught a college seminar—it
was an introduction to the
Linda Koch Lorimer: My law, focusing exclusively
first thought was, “This is on cases that involved
an iconic Rumpus moment.” students and universities.
I thought it might have been I screened the students
done as humorous play, beforehand specifically to
because the only person make sure they weren’t prewho’d call me beautiful law gunners. Nowadays, I
would be my husband. But tend to meet with students
I’m reminded of the classic only at the best of times and
Temptations song: “Beauty at the worst of times. And
of course, I have a set of
is Only Skin Deep.”
fantastic student assistants.
R: What was it like coming
to Yale as a law student in the R: Tell us about a typical day
for Linda Lorimer.
70s?

LINDA
LORIMER

LKL: I came to Yale Law
in 1974, and it was like

LKL: Let’s look at my
schedule for this past

Monday. First, I had a
meeting with Alumni
Association
leaders.
Then, a meeting with
the Deputy Provost for
Teaching and Learning
to work on developing
Yale’s online course
resources. I had lunch
with the alumni leader of
the University Council,
and then rushed over
to the Provost’s office to
meet with [Ben Polak].
I had a dinner/work
meeting with a facultystudent
committee
on
environmental
initiatives.
Then
I went to a pilates
class
downtown,
and afterwards had a
conference call with
administrators
from
Yale-NUS
College
in Singapore. Then I
started my homework.

Photo by Andrea Villena

R: What are the social
dynamics like within the
Yale Administration?
LKL:
The
Vice
Presidents all like each
other a lot and work
well together. Peter
Salovey always brings
his
scholarship
on
emotional intelligence
to bear—he always
comes with tips to make
projects run better.
What students don’t see
is that the group works
as a team: everyone
is looking out for the
best interests of the
university. So there are
fewer “turf wars” than
people might associate
with larger institutions.
R: Any wild office ragers we
should know about?
LKL: No. No wild parties,
though we sometimes have
pizza dinners together.
R: What’s your favorite
restaurant in New Haven?
LKL: You know, in a
different life I could have
been a restaurant critic for
New Haven. It depends on
what type of food I’m in the
mood for. For Japanese food,
my favorite is Miso. For

Indian, it’s Thali. The best
Italian restaurant is Café
Bravo, and the best burger
is at Park Central Tavern
on Whitney. And absolutely
nothing beats Ashley’s.
R: Could you describe your
general approach to style?
LKL: I don’t really have a
style, but I’d describe my goto look as “academic casual.”
And I can pivot that toward
“trustee formal” when I need
to. My favorite wardrobe
color is blue, of course, but
slightly paler than Yale blue.
R: What’s something that you

wish you could tell all Yale
students?
LKL: Many students may
not recognize how deeply
so many administrators and
faculty care about making
this the best educational
experience possible for
them. For most of us, we
don’t consider it a job—
we consider it a calling
and a great privilege to
be associated with this
place. You could be sitting
across from an editor and
photographer of Rumpus
and know that in 15 years
they could be doing great
things.

R: Emphasis on the “could.”
What are you most looking
forward
to
after
your
retirement?
LKL: Thankfully, Peter
Salovey has allowed me
to stay at Yale part-time.
Besides that, I’m excited to
go and smell the flowers. I
love pilates, and I’m looking
forward to rekindling old
hobbies as well as starting
up new ones. And I’d love to
learn more than my “menu
Italian.”
—AARON BERMAN

yalerumpus.com

MARCH 2015

31

32

RUMPUS

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