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Foreword
For years the Spoke has prided itself on updating Emory students on the
latest happenings around campus. This semester, the Spoke takes a look
back and presents an unabridged account of Emory, from its darkest moments to its brightest triumphs. Whether you want an unbiased account of
the 1953 Asbury Circle massacre or merely desire a newfound sense of moral
outrage at a 179 year old institution, The Spoke’s Unabridged History will
make you know Emory like you never did before.
Editors-in-chief,
Nicholas Bowman, David Joannides

Staff
Editors-in-Chief
Nicholas “On my way” Bowman
David “Skippy” Joannides
Treasurer
Mackenzie “C.R.E.A.M.” Levy
Managing Editor
Connor “Finger on the trigger warning” Chapman
Art Department
V.P. of Graphic Design- Tyler “MS Paint” Angert
Struggling artist- Helen “Oxford” Mazella
Writers
Helen “Wil this help for Business School?” Mazella
Tyler “Will This Help Me For Med School?” Angert
Tyler “NYU” Stern
Graham “0-420 Real Quick” Hansen
Dillon “Skippy 2: Electric Boogaloo” Hall
Tyler “Two State Solution” Zellinger
Peter “Safe Word” Leistikow
Ben “Magic City” Goldfein
Patrick “Open Sores” McPherson
In Memoriam
Martin “I Have A Thesis” Sigalow
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Check our twitter @theemoryspoke when you poop,
and check emoryspoke.org when you wash your hands.

James W. Wagner

People of Emory

Emory President
2003 - The Singularity
On a picturesque summer day in 1953, in
the Chandelier Hotel of Gaithersburg, Maryland, a young fetus climbed into the world, a
fetus named James Wagner. Raised in a home
where the only demeanor allowed indoors
was “simply pleasant,” James was unprepared
when tragedy struck the Wagner home in
1958. During a televised appearance, President Dwight D. Eisenhower was seen putting
on a shoe with his own hands, devastating the
business of his family’s shoehorn shop. The
Wagner family was forced to move to Delaware, leaving James on the doorstop of their
neighbors.
Wagner’s adolescence was a directionless time in his life. Like many teens of the
‘60s, Wagner fell into “Beetlemania,” taking
on the Fab Four’s iconic mop-top hairstyle
and writing an extensive amount of fan mail.
Wagner’s gift for writing pointlessly long
missives was largely ignored until his work
became egregiously offensive in his later
years. His missive career hitting a dead end,
Wagner decided to pursue an electrical engineering degree to answer the question of how
many blondes it takes to change a lightbulb,
his dying father’s last words. After receiving
his degree, Wagner found himself no closer
to discovering the impact of hair color on
filament replacement and pursued a doctorate
from Johns Hopkins.

Wagner during time as NSYNC member “J-Dot”.

take-down of cow-discrimination in America’s chicken-sandwich chains, a position
Wagner carried with him to Emory University.
After working at the FDA for the entire
length of his orientation week, Wagner was
fired and rebounded as the makeup artist,
manager, and interim member of *NSYNC
from 1998 to 2003. It was following this position that he was asked to become president of
Emory University, a liberal arts college that
was tired of presidents with “pussy liberal
arts backgrounds.” It was also during this time
that Wagner watched Titanic, inspiring him to
spend all of his tenure as president restoring
classic automobiles for the express purpose of
backseat rendezvous.

Wagner has been called Emory’s most
successful president to date since his tenure
began in 2003. However, in 2013 Wagner
was met with controversy following his assertion that “slavery wasn’t that bad. What,
am I wrong?”. Critics argued that Wagner
should have been fired for his ignorance
Wagner’s time at Johns Hopkins had a pro- of history, race, and the English language;
found effect on him. In addition to the tragic however, Wagner apologized and had since
dentistry accident that would lead to his trade been awarded the Torch of Liberty Award by
mark lopsided smile and perpetually-stoned
the Anti-Defamation League for educating
gaze, Wagner also met his wife Debbie,
the public on Emory’s history of intolerance.
whose connections in the snack-cake industry Wagner sleeps a full 8 hours each night with
helped Wagner gain a position in the Food
the award tucked snugly in his arms.
and Drug Administration. Wagner’s time at
the FDA was marked by his aggressive

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Robert W. Woodruff

People of Emory

Emory, Georgia Tech Dropout
400,000 BCE - 1985
Robert W. Woodruff, born over 400,000
years ago, was the world’s first homo sapien.
Woodruff was objectively far more evolved
than his parents, who could never understand
his music.
Woodruff’s parents ran the company
Kokuh-Koluh, a primitive form of Coca Cola,
although Woodruff’s superior intelligence and
intuition for business led him to replace them
within seven years of his birth. He promptly
invented a new, top-secret formula, still used
today, that is cocaine. As Coke was the most
advanced beverage of the time, Woodruff
quickly came to dominate the competition
and established an iron grip on the proto-soda
market.
Humans worshipped him as a deity, and
Woodruff often demanded sacrifices in his
name. Over time these beliefs twisted and
changed into various forms as multiple people
remembered what happened differently, eventually becoming the inspiration for God in
every major religion.

Robert Woodruff in one of his earlier forms.

Most scientists speculated that he was immortal, but in fact his longevity came from
the pure, original, primo Coke formula which
was replaced by “New Coke” in 1985, the
year he died.
While the Woodruff family has faded into
obscurity, their refreshment empire still has a
stronghold at Emory. The company’s billions
in donations ensure that every student is entitled to share a seat at the craigslist couches
of the Coke™ Commons.

Coca-Cola
Corner™

• Coca-Cola was originally marketed
to mothers as baby formula
• In Estonia, where sugar and syrup
200,000 years later, Woodruff was
are scarce, the recipe uses four
the wealthiest and most powerful man
pounds of wheat and barley per
on the planet, until some early ancestors
bottle.
of John Lennon overthrew him in Da Fite

Every can of coke contains an
O’Indupendints, a bloody, if unsophisticated,
average of 3.6 spiders.
revolution.
• Mormons call coffee “the Devil’s
Fearing the secret of his Coca-Cola recipe,
Coca-Cola”.
cocaine, would be revealed, Woodruff went
• The Coca-Cola executive building
into hiding underground while his many offin Atlanta is built on the remains of
spring continued the human race. He hid with
an ancient Indian burial ground of
his massive fortune and ruled Coca-Cola from
the Pepsi tribe.
the background until 1923, when he “inher• The Coca Cola recipe was refined in
ited” the company from Ernest Woodruff, his
1999 by the late John F. Diabetes.
animatronic father.
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James “Jimmy” Carter

People of Emory

Emory Wannabe
1924 - Any moment now
James Earl Carter was born on October 1,
1924, as his ten-year-old brother, Johnny, did
a heelflip on his skateboard.
Such was the pattern of poor Jimmy’s
childhood and adolescence: every mediocre
milestone he accomplished was immediately
overshadowed by Johnny. Mrs. Carter recalls
that when Jimmy produced his first sentence,
“The erosion of our confidence in the future
is threatening to destroy the social and the
political fabric of America”, Johnny immediately upstaged him with an armpit fart, and
suddenly Jimmy was forgotten in the excitement.
Jimmy later established a peanut farm a
mile down the road from his home. It was
successful, but Jimmy’s parents never visited,
as they were helping his brother Johnny with
a macaroni art project.
Still determined to get his parents’ attention, Jimmy pursued politics, and was elected
president in 1976. His single presidential term
was notable for his international diplomacy,
where he never picked favorites.
Today, Jimmy holds the title of second
oldest living president. These days he spends
his time between trolling Emory freshmen at
Carter Town Hall Meetings, and shrugging off
the feeling of inadequacy that only George H.
W. Bush’s death will end.

Carter in Tehran during the Iran Hostage Crisis.

The Carter
Presidency
• His single “Malaise Speech, 1979”
got an overall score of 6.3 from
Pitchfork.
• Only living President to accurately guess the cost of a washing
machine on the Price is Right.
• Solved the Middle Eastern
problem.
• Created new Middle Eastern
problem.
• Combated the 1979 oil crisis with
short showers, sweaters.
• First President to play
without bumpers in the White
House bowling alley.
• In 1976, James and Rosalynn Carter won “Cutest Couple” in White
House yearbook.
• Beat writer for Atlanta
Hawks AAA affiliate “Athens
Thundercats”.
• The day before Reagan moved
into the White House, pooped in
every toilet’s cistern.
• Does a pretty good Nelson
Mandela impersonation, if you’re
okay with a little racism.
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Notable Alumni

People of Emory

Chris McCandless

Diana Nyad

Chris McCandless, also known as Alexander Supertramp, became a legendary icon
for Emory University after his venture into
the wild to discover the true meaning of life;
never go to Alaska. But before his philosophical quest through the vast canyons, rushing
waters, and Hooters restaurants of the American west, Chris McCandless was the last student at Emory University to actually believe
in something.

Diana Nyad has devoted her life to the philosphy “Why the Fuck Not”. She knew she had
a gift after she jumped off of the fourth floor
of her sophomore dorm with a parachute, and
was promptly expelled. Since then, she has
swam around mahattan and more recently
from Florida to Cuba. Unfortunately she died
in 2015 after a failed swim to the moon.

Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich is most famous for having
a face vaguely resembling a bloated bag of
potato chips, as well as being a punchline on
late night television. At Emory, he earned a
history degree, which he was inspired by the
brutal, uncaring political leaders of antiquity.
Unfortunately, he was consistently thwarted
by his evil, cancer-stricken wife, who in his
words “wasn’t very pretty,” and ultimately
divorced her and left her for dead. Their marriage has become a model for every Emory
relationship since.
Scooter Braun
Scooter Braun dropped out of Emory his
sophomore year, answering God’s call to
become the talent agent of Justin Bieber, Psy,
and Carly Rae Jepsen. He is the only living
U.S. citizen that is exiled.
Adam Richman
Somehow not a dropout, Adam appeared on
the television program Man vs. Food, where
he advertised a successful line of man-boob
supportive sweatshirts. Adam Richman became a spokesman for the dangers of social
media after losing his career when he attacked
a thirteen year old on Instagram. Now he just
attacks minors on Yik Yak.

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Un-Notables
• Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus
Lamar II graduated Emory College
in 1845. He became a three star
colonel in the Confederate Army
in the Civil War, Secretary of the
Interior under President Cleveland,
and was a real person.
• Trentwell Chadworth was in the
first graduating class of Goizuetta, and made his fortune begging
industry moguls for money, earning
him the title “Grandfather of Consultancy”.
• Richard Ellsman (BA 2013), Waiter.
• Jessica Burch (BA 2002, MPH
2003, JD 2006, MBA 2008, PHD
2012), Waitress.
• Sarah Sanders was the first female
student when Emory became co-ed
in 1953. In her memoir she compared her experience to “being at a
Weezer concert”.
• Elizabeth Foley (BA 1988) sued
the Obama Administration for the
Affordable Care Act being “a thing
Obama did”.
• Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar
II. Google Lucius Quintus Cincinnatus Lamar II.

Oxford College

Places of Emory

A History of Racism Slightly Ignored
Formed in 1836, Oxford College is the original campus and birthplace of Emory
University. Its Methodist founders created it to be an “earthly form of heaven,” unless you were a black person. Oxford was created before the Civil War in Georgia by
despicable racists, so several of its original buildings were built by slaves, and thus
are not LEED certified.It is located close to Covington, GA, known to tourists as
“The Birthplace of the Southern Biscuit” and to minorities as “A very difficult place
to live.”
This year marked the centennial anniversary of Emory’s move to Atlanta, and the
last time Emory University administration cared about Oxford College. After the transition, Oxford College became a college-prep school for the sons of rich white men,
and continued to serve this function until the 1970s, in which it was forced to become
a college-prep school for the daughters of rich white men. Oxford has always shown
admirable persistence toward unpopular and unprofitable ideas, such as the Academy,
a boarding school for less fortunate rich white sons, and a ban on early graduation
that would allow Oxford to keep its students captive for one more glorious year.

Oxford College does not have Greek life; instead, it has much safer, totally independent and autonomous social clubs that have no national chapter and only administrative supervision, so again, much safer.
Oxford College now houses 1,000 freshmen and sophomores, unless it’s the spring
semester, in which case Oxford College houses 500 freshmen and 200 sophomores.
Popular television shows “Dukes of Hazzard”, “Diff’rent Strokes”, “The Little Rascals”, and the most uncomfortable scenes in “Roots” were all filmed on Oxford’s
campus. True to its Southern Methodist roots, it is a dry campus, meaning it is a meth
campus.
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Woodruff

Places of Emory

A 3D Kindle.
With certain segments dating all the way back to the Era of Black Magicks, the
George W. Woodruff Library, once humanity’s last beacon of knowledge during the
Dark Times, is recognized by every student as the only place on campus for yik-yak
hook ups and long, coffee-fueled diarrhetic shits. Dripping of hard work, procrastination, and ball sweat, the “medieval goes modern” 12 story building carries with it
numerous ventures of its past.
In 1770, the wealthy and eccentric George Wilfred “George Wilfred Woodruff II
was my Father’s Name” Woodruff III begun constructing a study in what is now the
first floor of the library. He would invite young men and women to “all-nighters,”
where they would join him in writing ten-page letters of complaint to British governors.
The building currently contains a coffee shop, 25 study rooms, 13.5 adderall
dealers, a couple of broken vending machines that provide data for the psychology
department, and a group of floors that are prohibited from being entered past certain
hours, in case of ghosts. An additional floor is under construction and is a part of the
library’s “Master Plan” that envisions “a bunch of more books in here.”
While most university libraries are strictly for the purpose of studying, Emory’s
Woodruff Library has an atmosphere of whimsical fun. Occasional flooding offers a
seasonal lazy river across the bottom floor, a tower of terror that transports students to
various floors, and permanent urine stains on the toilets which give Emory’s library
the merry vibe of a dangerous dive bar.

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Cox Hall

Places of Emory

The Duc and the Stacks’ bastard child.
Harvey Warren Cox erected Cox Hall in 1932, pampering Emory students with the
ability to eat. Since then Cox has grown into a vibrant, thriving source of income for
Sodexo, as well as a rest-stop for students waiting for their new 3D-printed dildos.
Cox Hall was often the butt of
witticisms by Emory’s nobles, including the famous wit and Emory
alumnus, Sir Wycherley. During one
of Sir Wycherley’s many Class Day
speeches he quipped, “Man I’m hungry, I could really go for some COX”
(A jeux de mots referencing the sexual
act of eating male genitalia), and also,
during a private dinner at the Lullwater Castle, was said to have delivered the bon mot “From Cox to the
SAAC and back,” (Another jeux de
mots where Cox is, again, likely to be
perceived as the male phallus and the
SAC, another building on campus, is
thought of as a “sack,” teenage slang
for the scrotum).
Cox contains over nearly 5 restaurant booths, offering students a wide
selection of pizza and tacos. In fact,
H.W. Cox Hall ranked in the top
3 best alternatives to the DUC within
1/4 miles in 2012. The service at Cox
Sir Wycherley at the graduation ceremonies.
is known to be exceptionally friendly,
allowing everyone to eat their slightly above mediocre food with a smile on their
face. The workers at Cox Hall are rewarded for their long hours and grueling labor
with salaries and benefits that would be considered generous by any standard during a
nuclear holocaust.
The grand jewel of Cox Hall is its majestic Cox Ballroom. Essential to any formal
event, Cox Ballroom is a very large room and thus very fancy, so make sure you dress
sharply! Otherwise, you’ll get looks from people who will wonder why you applied
Early Decision here in the first place, even though your dad just made you when you
really wanted to go to UC Boulder and enjoy the next four years of your life. Aren’t
you supposed to enjoy these four years of your life? Thanks a lot, Dad.
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The Surrounding Area

Places of Emory

A taste of the real, impeccably landscaped world.
When Emory moved from Oxford to Druid Hills, the marsh and swamps that surrounded the campus were inhospitable and home to 7 foot locusts. Over time,
gentrification forced the locusts to find new homes, and the Emory village that we
now know and are indifferent to was born.
In 1962 the Emory village drafted a constitution that declared in its preamble that,
“no business, corporate or otherwise, may market wares that students of a collegiate
institution may desire to purchase.” For the next five decades, the Emory Village enjoyed wild success, being the only alternative to Sodexo within a 5 mile radius. The
Emory Village’s wealth and influence grew so large that after an FBI report in 1973
found every Emory Village business to be a drug-laundering front, Nixon granted the
village amnesty in his campaign to keep American small businesses strong.
In the summer of 2012. however, the Emory Point rose in the west to challenge the
Village’s claim on student wallets. With its offering of spin classes, Jos. A. Banks, and
tapas, the Point quickly gained the allegiance of every Emory kid and their wealthy
mother. Recently, the Point has begun construction of Emory Point 2, and shows no
sign of stopping in its quest to transform Emory into Madison Avenue.

An artist’s rendering of the upcoming Emory Point 2.
There was once a strong system of public transportation that allowed students
without cars to access Atlanta, but this was banned in 2000 by the Emory Administration after students began using the service to attend unholy Rocking-And-Rolling musical concerts. Every now and then an Emory student uses MARTA, and if you wish,
you can light a candle in their memory at the MARTA Martyr Mausoleum.
Emory’s best political scientists are unsure how the Village-Point conflict will end.
Some believe the Point will inevitably swallow up Druid Hills in a sea of Pink Barres,
while others predict a second golden age for the Village if it ever gets an actual bar.
The only thing that is certain is that the final confrontation will be a massacre.
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Academics

Community of Emory

Slowly being phased out.
Most important to nearly any university is its academics. However, in 1938, Emory President Atticus Haygood realized the true value of a collegiate institution lied
in its freshman dorms. He spearheaded the first major campaign to distinguish Emory
by turning the Dentistry department building into a LEED Certified, state-of-the-art
freshman dormitory.
As the University continued through the years, many began to realize that the
quality of their housing had little effect on their post-graduation employment. To ease
the struggle of their graduates, Emory used a generous grant from the Coca-Cola
company to fund research into unemployment. In 1952, a team of Emory scientists
invented networking, allowing unqualified Emory students to have a fighting chance
in the labor market.
The discovery that an unqualified individual could succeed in life despite possessing little knowledge of the world proved monumental, and in 1963, the Business
School was founded. After Emory students slowly began to realize that they could
never escape from the haunting spectre of capitalism, the business major became one
of the most popular departments.
While the B-school’s promise of wealth remains seductive for many, some students are more inclined toward a future filled with saving the precious lives of humans rich enough to afford healthcare. As such, pre-med remains one of the most
popular concentrations for the first four months of freshman year.
Contrary to popular belief, Emory offers many liberal arts majors as well. At the
height of student demonstrations against the Vietnam War in 1970, all of the troublemaking rabble-rousers were isolated to intellectual masturbation in the Gender Studies department, and normal University operations were able to continue in relative
peace. Since then, liberal arts has been a vital component of the Emory education.
Unfortunately, the invention of Wikipedia has made Emory’s liberal arts division
an unsustainable enterprise. In 2012, Wiki user “FergieGirl” updated the pages for
“Journalism” and “Art” on the popular encyclopedia website. The leak lead to the immediate closure of both departments.
Emory is also beginning to cut the language departments, as Dean Nair attempts to
make the English word “community” replace every other word in the world.
There have long been rumors that Emory is home to schools of law, theology,
nursing and public health. However, not a single one of these schools could afford to
pay us to mention them in this book, and their existence will forever be an enigma.
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Residential Life

Community of Emory

A picturesque barless prison.
In 1918, Dobbs Hall first opened on the Emory campus as a haven for the schools’
growing Keebler elf population. Slowly, the human Emory students began to demand
on-campus housing, and Emory built 700 new dormitories that catered only to humans, and the Keebler elves were driven underground. Today, only a handful of the
dorms remain, as most were burnt to the ground in 1999 during an impassioned Civil
War re-enactment.
A campus focal point is the Freshman Quad, which includes the newest dormitories on campus, and has been praised despite complaints of gentrification by Turman
Hall residents. Upperclassmen are eligible to live in Clairmont Campus, which enjoys
the amenities of a country club, and the seclusion of a leper colony. While they may
differ aesthetically, all buildings offer the life-changing experience of listening to the
couple next door have loud, impassioned coitus.

Emory’s first freshman dorm allowed RAs to give citations 24/7.
For much of Emory’s history, students lived with relative freedoms in their luxurious dormitories. In 1956, a group of students were found spreading the communist
agenda in their hall via an illegal table of free cookies, which were given away based
on need rather than merit. To make sure the freedoms and individual rights of all students were protected, Emory hired the first Resident Advisor.
The original RAs were trained by President James T. Laney, who used his experience as a mall cop to ensure that all students felt safe and protected from the existential threat of collectivist ideology. After the fall of communism, and the rise of the
drug war, Residential Life began to focus on even more threatening substances such
as Keystone Light and OG Kush. Today approximately 95% of Emory students can
boast of a substance-related conduct charge from a 20 year old.
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Student Organizations

Community of Emory

Bureaucracy for Beginners.
The Emory Wheel
The Emory Wheel began after The Emory Phoenix, the University’s original
bi-weekly and student-run newspaper, was banned for writing content that appealed
to the student body. Sophomore Theodore Wertheimer used the expulsion of The
Phoenix as an opportunity to leave his mark on the University. The name The Emory
Wheel derives from the archaic tool “emery wheel,” a sharpening device that has not
been relevant since the early 20th century. Nearly a century later, The Wheel continues to live up to its namesake by sharpening resumes for students seeking internships
in the 20th century field of “journalism”.
SGA
Since 1836, Emory’s most charismatic cynics have run unopposed to attain the
most coveted spots in a symbolic bureaucracy. Once they become SGA members,
they wield the tremendous power of hoarding money from other groups. All SGA
politicians live in fear of No Confidence, an all-powerful spiritual force that is running a wildly popular campaign for every position.
SPC
Easily the most secretive group on campus, the SPC is responsible for Dooley’s
Week, a week dedicated to building up hope, and then cancelling it. In the beginning of each year the SGA gives the SPC ten million dollars. The SPC then must
deliberate on how to use the money to ensure Dooley’s Week is a complete failure.
Some years they spend it on a rain machine, some years they spend it on glowing projectiles students can attack performers with, and other years they spend it on planes
flying banners on overcast days.
Volunteer Emory
On any given day in Atlanta, 2-5 white vans prowl the streets, looking for society’s
most vulnerable. No, they’re not pedophiles, they’re VE volunteers! Volunteer Emory
does countless weekly trips in their signature vans around the area, transforming the
city’s derelict parks into partly-mulched derelict parks.
The Emory Spoke
The Emory Spoke was founded in 1973 as a bi-annual news magazine with
absolutely no journalists, just gut feelings. This formula proved wildly successful, and
now The Emory Spoke has grown into a bi-annual news magazine with a World Wide
Web site. In 2012, a Buzzfeed contributor gave the Spoke a B- in their Bottom Ten
Satirical College Humor Website rankings, the highest honor an Emory organization
has ever recieved.

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Student Activism

Community of Emory

Doing it for the Vine.
Since its founding, the Emory campus has been home to thousands of student
organized campaigns attempting to ensure everyone a brighter future. At the height
of segregation in the deep south, groups of fearless protesters marched through the
campus demanding racial equality. During the Vietnam War, Emory students occupied
the administration building.
Today, many Emory students can be seen standing in solidarity against hundreds
of things through brave and inspirational Facebook posts. This new age of activism
began on January 27th of 2008, when sophomore Jenna Whistman received her very
first “like” on her Facebook status “Racism is bad.” Since then, self-righteous Emory
students have collected millions of likes annually.
Whether the issue is racism, sexism, or economic inequality, radical Emory
students will always find a way to make sure the issue can be spun for their own
personal gain.

Hipsters: An Emory Timeline
From Jesus to Yeezus

1835- Hipsters enroll at Emory University before everyone else.
1847- Hipsters shave off their facial hair to rebel against all the “bearded tailcoats”.
1862- Hipsters are massacred when they enter the Battle of Williamsburg fighting for the West.
1867- Alexander Hip, an Emory Anthropology professor, coins the term “hip”, ‘hipster’, and “hip-hop”
in a single, creatively explosive night.
1868- Hipsters publicly tar and feather Alexander Hip as recompense for “limiting us with a definition.
Don’t put us in a box”.
1895- Hipsters launch the first organized grocery store at Emory in protest of the limited options of the
farmers market.
1899- Hipsters create Emory’s unofficial mascot Dooley and Emory’s unofficial motto “We worship a
skeleton, like straight up renegades.”
1919- Tom McGoo filibusters the SGA bill for electric street lamps by describing the hoppiness and
lemon accents of his dark beer for fourteen days straight.
1929- Hipsters become extremely affluent as a reaction to the widespread poverty of the great depression.
1979- Robert and George Woodruff donate 115 million dollars to Emory University, prompting all
Hipsters to drink Tab instead of Coca-Cola.
1980- Hipsters realize Tab is actually a Coca-Cola product and decide they will drink only Mellow
Yellow.
1998- Emory realizes Hipsters are the only thing keeping the school’s Art history and Philosophy majors afloat, and the Purges begin.
2003- James Wagner becomes first hipster to ever lead an academic bureaucracy.
2013- Hipsters discover e-cigarettes, instilling in them a new found confidence.
2015- Hipsters join the IRA, a terrorist organization from the ‘80s. It’s ISIS but authentic.

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Netflix

Community of Emory

The evolution of procrasturbation.
At the dawn of time, there was nothing. Our
universe expanded rapidly, eventually coming to
resemble what we see today. Hydrogen, helium,
and faintly lit stars covered the night sky for millennia upon millennia. God, live witness of the
event, saw that there was light and it was “dope at
first,” but was disappointed to discover that dinosaurs would take forever to evolve. God then gave
up on universe-crafting and turned to his other
passion, writing, and spent the next 13.8 billion
years finishing his first novel, “Are You There Humans? It’s Me, The Unpronounceable One”.
After millions of millennia, some half-naked
primates evolved on a lowly, terrestrial planet
named Earth. Even though these primates would develop into modern day Emory
Students, they didn’t have Netflix to entertain them at night before their deadlines.
However, in lieu of binge-watching House of Cards, by 100,000 BCE, ancestral
Emory Students already had developed sophisticated procrasturbation techniques.
Eons later, the first Homo Emoroidus would settle in the northern Georgia hills.
The Homo Emoroidus, was a unique genetic spin-off of their Homo Sapien predecessors, with zero survival instincts. Our earliest records even indicate that members of
this primitive, misogynistic society were already sporting crude OBEY snapbacks and
burlap muscle-tanks by 10,000 BCE, and living off of the weeds growing in the area
that would come to be Zaya’s.
Fast forward thousands of years to the period between 1600 and 1800 A.D. Another progenitor of Netflix has arisen to help the Emoroids with their procrasturbation:
witch-hunting. People lined up to watch their relatives and immediate family members all scorch up in flames, the moisture underneath their muscle tissue bubbling up
and popping through their skin. Thanks to the stake burnings, the Emoroids could
ignore the approaching Monday, and all the science happening at the time.
Eventually, after 4.5 billion years of evolutionary success on Earth, humans
finally invented Netflix to appease their woes of loneliness and spiralling GPAs. With
this incredible innovation of procrastination, the silent crawl under the blanket with
a laptop had a purpose higher than porn. Living a life of stagnant boredom was never
the same. Now, Emory students could be bored with class.
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Sports

Community of Emory

Apparently at Emory.
Sports are an Emory legend that until now, have only been passed down through
oral tradition until now. Here is everything our culture knows about sports, as told to
us by our spiritual leader, Elder Dankretius.

`

Sport.

Swimming
Emory’s greatest sportt, swimming, is as much about endurance as it is about
technical skill. Two athletes are placed inside a pool; when one drowns, the other is
crowned the victor.
Soccer
In this sport, two teams face off on a field, and must kick all the grass. If a point is
scored, everyone has to ignore it, kicking the grass like it never happened.
Basketball
Two groups of young men are instructed to run from one end to the other until the
buzzer stops. Meanwhile, two older men in suits stare each other off, clapping loudly.
Whoever claps the angriest wins all the gatorade.
Tennis
Large green rectangles where one can haphazardly whack a ball and log it in one’s
Play Fusion time.
Football
An ancient, forbidden sport of dark power, Football angered our Methodist gods
with its subversive, universal appeal. It is said that two groups of young men would
charge head first until only one could remember why he was there. His team lost.
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Fraternities

Community of Emory

Where Division III athletes retire.
The Emory University Greek Life system is steeped in history and tradition, and
the current state of Emory’s Greek community is the result of hundreds of years of
changes. For instance, many Greek students are alarmed at the rate at which fraternities are being kicked off campus, citing the fact that one fraternity has been kicked off
every year for the past three years.
In fact, this is completely normal, and not at all a cause for concern: When Emory
was founded in 1836, there were over 400 Greek organizations represented on campus. As the years moved on, however, campus administration has removed many of
these proud chapters from the Emory community. In 1975, for instance, members of
Emory’s FIJI chapter hosted a party with a keg, and every godforsaken individual
who drank from or made eye contact with the keg immediately burst into flames. As
a result, the Emory was forced to ban kegs at social events unless the imbiber is a
business school student on Thursday. Additionally, the University quietly swapped
out Emory’s original mascot, Keggy the Keg, for the far less controversial Swoop the
Eagle.
In fact, many of Emory’s current rules pertaining to social events are the results
of violent tragedies in the Greek community. Most people know that William Tecumseh Sherman burned down most of Atlanta during the Civil War, but few know
that Sherman was actually a sophomore member of the Emory chapter of Zeta Beta
Tau. After losing three consecutive games of beer pong and suffering an onslaught
of insults from his brothers, Sherman cracked and went on one of the most famous
and destructive military rampages in American history. Indeed, Emory administration
banned pong not to prevent binge drinking, but to prevent students from destroying
the entirety of the metro-Atlanta area.
Recently in the fall semester of 2015, the arrival of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity
rocked Emory’s Greek system to its core. Already, girls have stopped talking to anyone in any other fraternities, and high school seniors are reportedly already showing
up in Atlanta looking to rush DTD next semester.
Other organizations are obviously unhappy: The Christian Students Union president told the Spoke that “we haven’t been able to get a single mixer with the Quidditch Team this month… it’s like we’re not even a big deal anymore. I guess I’ll just
have to sack up and rush Delt like everyone else”.
In twenty years, when the administration has succeeded in its goal of completely
eliminating Greek life from campus, hopefully some people are still able to remember
the valuable lessons we learned from fraternities.
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