1

Table of Contents
2 ..............................

Tables and Figures

3 ..............................

Abstract

4 ..............................

Introduction

6 ..............................

1.The Significance of Magical Rules

9 ..............................

Figure 1

10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Lack of Magical Rules in The Toy Shop Tales

12 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Creating Magical Rules

19 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Result: Character Development

21 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

2.The Significance of Magical Consequences

23 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
24 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Lack of Magical Consequences in The Toy Shop

Tales
Creating Magical Consequences

26 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Result: Character Development

28 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

37 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

3.The Significance of Understanding Point of

View and Character Roles
Lack of Point of View Control and Established
Roles in The Toy Shop Tales
Creating Consistent Point of View and
Establishing Character Roles
Result: Developed, Realistic, and Establish
Characters
Conclusion

38 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Works Cited

31 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
33 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
36 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tables and Figures

Page 9 -------- Figure 1 : Magic Use in The Toy Shop Tales

Abstract
In order for characters to develop in a story, they must constantly be challenged. In your
world of magic, there must be rules and limitations which force characters to make decisions,
allowing them to grow. Two concepts of these limitations must be established: method of use,
and consequences. In your manuscript, the way that characters use magic is under no constraints.
You must know the world you create inside and out, and understand the way that the characters
must utilize it. Methods of magic must be specific and limiting. How the characters react to this
world depends on the specific consequences. When these things are set in place, your characters
will become more dynamic and realistic.
Another aspect of developing characters is the use of point of view in order to assign
consistent roles to your characters. Often, their points of view merge and create unrealistic,
undeveloped figures. Separating truth from opinion based on which character is the current
observer, the depth of perception can be utilized to distinguish main from supporting characters.
Their roles in your story will become clear and achieve their purpose.
By noting the words and examples of the experts we studied and following our carefully
chosen recommendations, you will allow the characters you created to thrive in their magical
world and in a story that highlights the unique parts they play.

Introduction
Thank you for sharing your manuscript with us. We thoroughly enjoyed the creative
storyline and the exciting concepts you brought to life. Bringing life into a story is an art with
many facets, one of which is effective characterization.
Though we cannot delve into each facet, many of which need some revision, we can
focus on one that affects your story most consistently. By exposing the lack of characterization in
your manuscript, referring to experts on the subject and suggesting specific actions to take, we
hope to help you bring Toy Shop Tales to its fullest potential. The characters you created are the
center of the plot, the world, the readers interest, and therefore must be the focus of your
revision.
In order to discover the source of the issue and find solutions, our group studied the
works of successful authors and the words of experts on fiction. The books we read to provide
insights on characterization are as follows: Carrie by Stephen King, Mistborn by Brandon
Sanderson, and The Candy Shop War by Brandon Mull. The books and articles we studied are as
follows: On Writing by Stephen King, How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy by Orson Scott
Card, How to Write fiction: Point of View: In Two Minds by Rachel Cusk, and Supporting
Characters and Rural Communities by Bettina Hanlon.
Based off of our readings and analysis, we felt that your characters didnt develop in a
challenging environment and lacked clear roles, which made it difficult, as readers, to see them
as real and relatable.
There were two main causes to this issue: 1) The magical world you created has no rules
or limitations. These obstacles would create challenges, allowing characters to struggle, choose,
and grow. 2) Your characters lack clear roles because their perspectives merge and the distinction
between main and supporting characters is not clear.
The most effective way to solve these issues is to address the two categories mentioned.
Establish specific consequences and methods concerning the use of magic. This will present
obstacles that will allow the characters to develop into dynamic and relatable people. Create

clear roles for your characters by controlling their points of view and distinguishing main from
supporting roles.
By following our suggestions, you will produce a story that is not only exciting and
unique, but filled with challenges and growth. Your readers will not only be fascinated; they will
become emotionally attached to your characters because of the new understanding your writing
elicits.

1. The Significance of Magical

Rules
Orson Scott Card speaks to all fiction writers who are using magic in their books. He tells
them good fantasies carefully limit the magic thats possible. In fact, the magic has to be
defined, at least in the authors mind, as a whole new set of natural laws that cannot be violated
during the course of the story (Card 23). This is what the author uses to create the drama
throughout the story. The rules that are made by the author are broken or worked with to make
the intensity of the story rise. With magic, you must be very clear about the rules. First, you
dont want your readers to think that anything can happen. Second, the more carefully you work
out the rules, the more you know about the limitations on magic, the more possibilities you open
up in the story (Card 47). By having rules, the audience will be more entranced by the story
wondering how and what will happen next to the characters.
To create a story that will reach your target audience, you have to know how you want
your world to work. Before you can tell a meaningful story, you have to hone and sharpen your
understanding of the world, and that begins with the fundamental rules, the natural laws (Card
36). Knowing what your characters can accomplish in this book and what their limitations will
do for the story line is important. Orson Scott card says, the reader is uncertain about what can
and cant happen in the story until the writer has spelled out the rules. And you as a writer, cant
be certain of anything until you know the rules as well (Card 36). Not only are the rules
important, but you need to make sure you know what your story is about. Is it about the magic
youre inventing or is it about your characters or events and the magic is just an element to your
story. (based off a quote on pages 23-24 of Card). By knowing what role the magic plays in the
story, you are able to develop a plot line that has all the elements of a story plotline and will
allow the story line and characters to develop throughout the story.

In Carrie by Stephen King we learn that Carrie has to train herself on how to use her
powers. On pages 22 and 23 we read that she is lifting a hair brush while she flexes with her
mind and she is taken over with fatigue after only a single try. This is an example of what Card
said on page 23 of his book. Later we learn that she is becoming stronger with her powers and
she can now lift the brush up and down multiple times before she gets tired from these exercises.
On page 60 she has now moved onto being able to move larger objects up and down. It still takes
a toll on her to move such large objects like her bed, but she is going through the training process
of how to use the magic she is gifted with. By making us work through learning to use the magic,
we assume that she is less powerful than she really is. This creates more excitement when we get
to page 126 where we learn that multiple heavy doors and complete sprinklers systems are acting
on their own accord. Around page 140, we then learn how Carrie accomplished doing these
obscured things with her mind. We are in her thoughts and realize that she is much stronger than
when we last where with her while she was practicing lifting her bed frame. Carrie even tells us
on page 156 that is it easier to control objects when she can see them so she can mentally feel
around them. This is what Card was saying on page 47 about knowing the limitations and using
them to create drama and excitement.
In Carrie, it was made clear to the reader that Carrie was more powerful when she was
distressed, which is a basic principle according to Card. On page 36 Card tells us about the
fundamental rules. Two of the most prominent examples of Carrie being distressed and making a
lot of magic happen are in: the beginning when she makes all the pots and pans fly around
because she was locked in the closet; and also in the locker room when she gets her period and
thinks she is bleeding to death. Both of these times she makes abnormal things happen without
becoming tired she is more powerful when she is uncomfortable. King also tells us through
actions and thoughts of Carrie that when the word Flex shows up, we are supposed to
understand the physical feeling of mentally expanding the inside of our/her skull. On page 14
this happens where the word Flex appears, and because we understand the complications that are
attached to this word we understand: the weight that it means, the consequences it has, and what
she is doing. We also look at the day to day life that Carrie is a part of her world. Before we can
add magic, like Crane said, we have to know the world that we are working with to understand

the complications that will occur with the characters, and their powers or personalities. We have
to understand their purpose in the world they live.
Looking back at Carrie, we can understand that the magic was an asset of the story which
is very important according to Card on page 36. The magic is what made the almost ordinary
situation move along. From the very beginning of the story to the end we see that the story is
about Carrie. Then in the end of the beginning, we find out that she is telekinetic. We then start to
explore what Carrie can do. We go from working through lifting a brush in the air, to killing 440
people and creating complete chaos through the town. We, as the reader did not know that she
was capable of such a large destruction. But Carrie knew it and so did Stephen King. However,
King also knows that Carrie is weakened when she uses her power so he kills her at the end
because of the amount of power that she has used. King uses his knowledge of what he knows
Carrie can accomplish (more of the toll it will take on her) to make such destruction, to create the
climax of his book. He creates the climax through the distress that everyone is going through,
especially Carrie. On page 140 he tells us that Carrie has collapsed, has a head ache, her heart is
pumping wildly, and her body is as cold as ice all do to the over extensive use of her powers,
which of course is the rule that she is breaking over use of powers.

(Table inserted here)

Lack of Magical Rules in

The Toy Shop Tales
The one main problem of this section that we would like to focus on is the lack of
knowing the rules of the magic that is used in this book. There is a lot of drama that is created for
no particular reason; there is no cause for the drama and there is no feeling of resolution in any
of the scenes filled with action. The way that drama is created is through the limitations in the
rules as Orson Scott Card has said. Stephen King tells us that When youre writing, youre
creating your own worlds (156). You have to be the God of this land and lay down the law, but

then stick to the rules that have been set in place. Because you have allowed your characters to
virtually accomplish anything that they set their minds to, you are limiting the opportunities for
your characters to grow. You are limiting the opportunities for your characters to develop
physically, mentally, and especially with their magic abilities.
By looking at Figure 1 on the previous page, we can see all the instances in your book
where there is the use of magic. There were two spots where you mentioned that your characters
would have to learn how to use magic, but you never actually taught them anything or had them
work through learning how to use it. Lets look at Austin. On page 114, he seems to be able to
move with super speed. On page 240 he can appear out of nowhere in a puff of smoke. Page 254
we find out that magicians can enslave all humans through their powers and Austin maybe is a
magician so he has the power to enslave everyone. On 256, he can now animate toys to become
alive. On page 363 Austin can control cars that move through other solid objects without even
being there and having struggles of his own along with the fact that he can talk to Shane and
Cynthia through magical screens. He can create energy balls to throw at his enemies, he can
opens doors with magic, send magic messages, and even in the end he can make a live scene
happen on a toy ship, just to mention some of the magical acts that he does through the book.
Austin is not the only character that seems to have an incomprehensible amount of magical
power in this story.
Austin never grows throughout this story. We see him time and time again use his
magical abilities to save others, to become super human. But never do we see him grow in
understanding more fully the world around him or the fullness of the magical ability he has or
others have. He already is able to accomplish anything he wants or needs to and there is nowhere
to grow and develop from that. And Austin is only one of the characters that suffer from the lack
of opportunities to grow because of the problems that need to be worked through and because of
the limitations that are set on them. Stephen King says Good writing, on the other hand, teaches
the learning writer about style, graceful narration, plot development, the creation of believable
characters, and truth-telling (146). Not having a set of worldly rules in place for the characters,
each of the topics that King touches on lacks in growth and stability in your book. You even say
on page 338, And remember, when dealing with magic, be prepared for anything, replied

10

Austin. Having Austin say this only confirms that there are no limitations to what the characters
that are magically enhanced can do and there are no rules that they have to follow.
We are always seeing this shadow of a person following Cynthia and Shane around, but
because we are not sure what the limitations are to the magic, we are not sure if he is real, or
maybe anything from an apparition that someone is creating to being the fog that we see in the
beginning. We are not really ever sure what the shadow of a person does or is. Stephen King tells
us that, Its also important to know what to describe and what can be left alone while you get on
with your main job, which is telling a story (174). It is a distraction to your story because the
character is not really there, but is still a character that we have to try and understand.
By changing these aspects of your book, it will become a much more exciting book that
flows from one scene to the next while still making sense. By changing to having worldly rules,
you can avoid having an action packed story that doesnt fall under the category of chaos and
confusion. The characters in your book will be more relatable to and they will be able to grow
into powerful humans with super natural powers that they understand, and your audience
understands.

Creating Magical Rules

To start fixing this lack of character development, I recommend looking at the magic in
your story and adding rules the characters have to follow to accomplish their challenges placed
in front of them; this will make them have to learn and develop their magic and them as a person.
By having no rules attached to the magic, there arent really any challenges that are prevalent to
the story causing the characters to not grow or develop in any way. To have a strong story, you
need to set specific rules to the magic as Card has specifically said. You need to know how the
magic can be used, when it can be used, and what is needed to use it. It is through these rules that
drama will be created and your story can develop along with your characters. You have to be the

11

God of this world and know the rules and the consequences of these rules inside and out. I
recommend that you start out with writing down the rules that will apply to this book. Some of
the rules or techniques are:
a. Your characters need to learn how to use the powers that they now have. Lets go
through pages 280- 285 and change it so that the characters are growing and
learning how to use their powers. You also have to specify if Shane and Cynthia
are wearing their super power stickers, the last time they were mentioned was 180
pages before this scene. You need to specify what the stickers can do. Out of
nowhere Shanes skin is unbreakable, seems out of place and random because it
wasnt one of the powers of his sticker.
Why dont you join us? the man-Falconiano exclaimed as Shane held a cement bench
over his head as a weapon. You would be a choice operative among the ranks of the Council
assuming you dont crack under the training you will have to go through.
Very touching words, Shane shot back, throwing the bench as hard as he could before
running to the opposite side of the fountain. First you wanted to kill me, now youre trying to
recruit me, are you going to send me an invite to a party next? He asks while massaging the pain
rippling through his arms.
Your mouth will get you into trouble, the man-Falconiano shot back. If you knew what
the League has done, you would be begging to be trained by the Council. We grow in power
every day. Stop fighting against us; your situation only gets worst every minute.
I dont see how, thought Shane, spying a stone bridge twenty feet from where he stood.
Heading across the lawn, a sharp pain struck him from behind. Falling to the ground, the manFalconiano dug his talons into Shanes back.
Very impressive, growled the man-Falconiano. Physically impossible to break your
skin. I know several magicians who will want to study such a unique ability. Did Austin teach
you how to do that?
As a matter of fact he did! There is no way I am going down without a fight! yelled
Shane, wrestling against the restraint.
Taking a calming breath, Shane pushes against his restraints remembering to feel the
strength envelop his body. Moments later, the restraints tire and fall loose allowing Shane to

12

surprise the man-Falconiano with a full on punch right square in the Falconianos chest causing
the repulsive man to be thrown ten feet way. Shane jumps up grabbing a large stone to use
against the next attack on him.
Stop or she dies! the girl-Falconiano exclaimed. The four armed troll was standing by
her side holding the unconscious Cynthia above his head. Surrender or Ill break her in half;
this has gone on long enough.
Shane glanced from the girl-Falconiano to the man-Falconiano lying in front of him. His
eyes were narrowed and his nose wrinkled in anger.
Shane shook his head. Not a chance. If you dont want him looking like a pancake, let
her go. And then we both can go on our way.
The girl-Falconianos eyes widened in surprise.
Brave words young man. They are words my master would deem as a challenge.
However, seeing that you have a point... we have an agreement.
The troll took a step forward.
Wait! shouted Shane, as a smile crossed the girl-Falconianos face. He lightly threw the
rock down at the man-Falconiano who cried out in pain as the rock pinned his wing to the
ground. Shane began to step backwards as the troll threw Cynthia right at him. He tripped over a
lose rock as she fell into his arms. Falling backwards into the fountain, Shane gasped as a small
tidal wave of water filled his lungs and obscured his vision.
Fighting to get himself upright, Shane felt a slithery sensation around his waist. With a
jolt, water filled his nostrils and he was pulled into the air, Cynthia still in his arms.
You are like a fish out of water, laughed the girl Falconiano, as she pushed with all her
might against the rock pinning the man-Falconiano, You
Master, I found it! the centaur called out, bounding over the railing with a large trunk in
its arms. Finally free, the man and girl-Falconiano approached the chest looking restless but
satisfied.
How! thought Shane, recognizing the chest they had seen moments ago in the attic. Had
they managed to subdue Austin? Was the voice they heard the voice of an imposter?!
Cynthia! Shane hissed watching the Falconianos examining the chest. Are you ok?
Her head flopped back and forth as she mumbled a response.

13

Cynthia.WOW! exclaimed Shane.

The chest burst open, showering the garden in a spectacular variety of colored fireworks
and sparks. Backing away, the Falconianos watched as Austin stood up from the depth of the
chest. His appearance was younger and he wore a long scarlet ceremonial robe.
Falconianos have a lot of nerve and skills, but I never would have expected such a brutal
show of force within the domain of a magician.
Stepping out from the chest as the troll charged, Austin moved his hands in a circular
motion and a ring of blue energy appeared, moving in harmony with his hands. As the troll drew
close Austin released the ring and it collided with the troll; like a snow ball rolling down a hill,
the ring sped through the forest propelling the troll into the distance.
Get him! ordered the man-Falconiano. The centaur nodded, charging at a gallop.
Smiling, Austin began to rub his fingers together and with each step the centaur took, its hooves
sunk into the ground. Within seconds the entire horse part of the body was submerged. It snarled
angrily as Austin approached, but tapping it gently on the head it returned to the toy form.
Fly! ordered the man-Falconiano, his right wing flapping weakly as they rose into the
air disappearing behind thick shrubs and ivy vines.
I have the home court advantage, Austin called out, a strong note of humor in his voice.
You were brave when you got here. Are you going to pursue your goal, or call it quits!
Clapping his hands, Shane and Cynthia were carefully lowered to the ground. (280-285)
Looking at this section with the few changes of Austin training Shane to allow
Shane to understand what he can and cannot do allows the scene to make sense as it
moves from one part to the next. It allows Shane to use his abilities, and understand that
yes he is super powerful, but there can be more. It gives the falconians a reason for
attacking Shane and Cynthia. King says, I think the best stories always end up being
about the people rather than the event, which is to say character-driven (190). By
making the scene about Shane, it is an important scene. It holds its own credibility for the
reason that it needs to be in the story. As King says, we need to ask why something
happens and what if (169). The scene will then become a developing opportunity for your
characters and your story if you actively ask these two questions constantly while
working with your story.

14

b. Through the story we see that there are stickers every now and again that give
Shane and Cynthia their powers. We have to understand the limitations of these
stickers. We also have to work with or talk about these stickers frequently so that
between pages 110 to 292 we dont forget about them. And again between pages
292 to 387. (These are the gaps that dont mention the stickers at all.) We also
need to understand who needs to use these stickers. An example of this is thinking
about whether or not Austin needs to use stickers to be super human, and if not
why. Who else in the book needs to have these stickers and why or why not do
they need to have them. These stickers also seem to have pure powers in them.
We can now look at the possibility of someone who does not need to have the
stickers for magic, but the stickers can still be used by them to become more
powerful. However, if that was to be a rule then Ariel can use a healing sticker
and become healed ergo, a different huge flaw would be present in the book. King
says that The situation comes first. The charactersalways flat and unfeatured,
to begin withcome next. Once these things are fixed in my mind, I begin to
narrate (164).You have to understand the stickers before you can place them in a
scene with characters. Lets make the rule right now that the stickers can only be
used by mortals and anyone who has magical powers cannot use them on
themselves. But the reason that we have stickers is to introduce to the mortal
about magic so that they can be trained by a magician to be able to use this magic
without the help of a sticker later on through lots of training. Looking at a short
scene on pages 387-388, we can apply these concepts into the work.
Reaching into his pocket he withdrew the sheet of stickers that had been stuck between
the pages of Moonlight Revenge. Pulling off two stickers, he handed one to each of them: a
strong outline of a person holding one hand in front of his body.
This one will protect each of you physically for now until you learn how to protect
yourself with magic without the use of a sticker, said Austin. Stay together and do exactly
what I say, understand?

15

Shane and Cynthia nodded, accepting the stickers as they crawled out from under the
playground. They put the stickers on their shirts feeling anxious about the growing
possibilities of their futures. (387-388)
By making it clear that mortals are the only ones that can use the stickers, we
understand why Austin is not using a sticker himself assuming that you go back to when
we meet Austin and make it clear to your audience that he is a magician or wizard. We
also realize that Cynthia and Shane have a future ahead of them that is going to be full of
action and magic, which will in turn help you with your second book there will be a
reason for the second book along for a reason for this book. By placing these rules on the
stickers you are creating a way for your characters to develop: mentally, magically, and
with wisdom in everyday situations that they are going to have to face. And these
situations are changing because their knowledge of the world is changing, the characters
have to be able to change and develop with their knew world. Through these changes, the
characters will be able to grow and develop into a more round character.
c. There is a lot of activities going on in this story and it is a challenge to be able to
remember what each character can magically do. There needs to be either a rule of
the land for the magic that can be placed over almost everybody, or there needs to
be a set of rules for each type of character; such as the witch can magically do
this, but that is different from Austin because he is a magician or wizard and he
can only do these magical things. If we do a land of the law, we have to remember
that Ariel is a genie and they normally have their own rules because they are
bound to a bottle, but that normally means that they are more powerful than the
other forms of magic. Like Card said on page 23, there needs to be laws that
cannot be violated. Looking at pages 285-291, we can change the rules to have a
law of the land. The rules for witches, wizards, and falconiano is that they can
manipulate objects, teleport, and create objects to harm each other with, (this
includes potions for witches). Ghouls have to obey their masters, and Shane and
Cynthia can only do what their stickers that they are wearing will allow them to

16

do. The whole first part of this scene needs to be deleted because we dont know
who is creating this frost and if it is in their limits to be able to do so.
Stay close, Austin warned. They are up to something. He glanced around the forest as
he spoke. Such ability is not given to servants. This amount of power is normally reserved
for masters, one who has studied for much longer than I.
Vines and tree branches shot out like arrows. Pushing them to the ground, Austin
vanished on the spot, reappearing a few feet away with small energy balls in his hands.
Now this is serious, snapped Austin, throwing the balls at the branches as they tried to
launch another attack.
Were not going to get anywhere with Austin here, the man-Falconiano yelled. Lets
go!
Flying over the trees with all the speed they could utilize, the Falconianos dove towards
the entrance to the garden. Laughing, Austin clapped his hands. Theyre not getting out of
here. Not after what theyve done.
Shooting up like rockets, the trees obscured the pathway towards the entrance. Entangling
themselves in the vines and branches, the Falconianos cried out in anger as they were brought
towards the ground.
Austin, the League has been trying to hide priceless treasures and powerful knowledge.
We have infiltrated the League. I thought it would have been obvious to you years ago.
Well then, I think well tighten down the hatch, said Austin, pulling up the sleeve of his
tunic and revealing a long brass gauntlet on his arm. Three colored stones sat near the wrist,
followed by a large blood red stone and small dials with strange markings on them.
Turning the dials, the stones began to glow. I know you two are aware of this device. I
have great respect for your people, but I cannot allow you two to leave here.
Austin, please! the Falconianos pleaded together. We will serve you.
Raising his eyes in concern Austin shook his head. Your help would be a great addition
to the League, but you two should have known better. Your race is great, but trust cannot be
placed in the two of you at this time. Youve attempted murder, thievery, kidnapping, and
now under stress you pleaded to be under my leadership after a vicious attack on my domain.
I pity the two of you. Such cowardice is not the mark of true warriors.

17

They sure do fight like some, muttered Shane.

Thats true, said Cynthia, holding her head in her hands.
As the lights from the gems on the gauntlet grew in intensity the man-Falconiano cried
out, You win! Austin, youre in over your head. Several sources have revealed the location
of the treasures, and from the look on your face Id say the Council has committed the perfect
crime. You didnt even
Gwendolyn, said Austin, turning the inner ring on one of the dials. The Falconianos
nodded with cheerful looks, giving Austin no reason to finish his words.
Austin, if you spare us, I will tell you much more than that, the man-Falconiano said.
Believe me when I say your situation is desperate.
Austin curled his lip as he pondered the idea.
I am not fit to play judge and jury. A much wiser man than I will decide your fate.
Address him honestly and maybe youll receive mercy. Believe me when I say youre lucky
to receive such consideration.
Ignoring their shouts of protest, Austin turned his attention to the dials, turning them in a
very long and complicated manner.
Austin began Cynthia.
Shhhhhhhh! snapped Austin. This isnt as easy as it looks.
Like a movie theater beginning a feature, the garden surrounding dimmed. The only light
to distinguish anything came from the gems on the gauntlet.
Chet, two Falconianos are on their way. And tell Monika to move the Gemini; its not
safe anymore. (285-291)
By deleting the first and last part of this scene, we can more fully
understand the powers that the characters have. In the last little part Shane,
Cynthia, and Austin show up at Austins toy shop that has been completely fixed.
This needs to be deleted because in the paragraph before, Austin needed a device
to transport the falconianos, he would therefore logically need a device to
transport Shane and Cynthia. We need to follow Cards advice and know the rules
to our world completely so that we can understand what can and cannot happen
and why they do or do not happen. This will lead to the drama of the story.

18

You need to go through your whole book and remember what the experts say asking
yourself why and what for all scenes and situations. You need to set a standard for the rules, and
make sure that all the characters follow them. You need to let the challenges and situations allow
your characters to grow and you have to let your characters grow.

Result: Character Development

This book will become stronger because of the character development that will be a result
of adding rules to the magical world in the book. Your characters are going to become more
relatable to, and they will show improvement throughout the book. Shane and Cynthia especially
will grow and we will want to know what they are going to do next or what they are going to
learn next. The story line will develop in a way that will make sense to your audience. By letting
the story move at the pace it wants to, you will avoid a confusing speed to the story line. King
says, you can overdo the speed thing. Move too fast and you risk leaving the reader behind,
either by confusing or by wearing him/her out (221). The way this story is written at this point
in time, it is confusing and moves too fast. That will be fixed through adding the rules and letting
them help the story develop.
By understanding the rules that have to be followed, the drama will come without you
having to push an idea across, it will be more natural. And when an idea is able to just sit into a
situation, it makes more sense than if the idea has to be forced into the situation. By not forcing
scenes, the story will naturally move itself along and the reader is going to be able to understand
how we got from point A to point B without becoming exhausted.
And the most important result that will come by adding rules that the characters have to
struggle with the characters are going to develop throughout the book. We can watch the
characters start off as innocent kids that have no idea that this magical world lives in their day to
day world, and develop into characters that know there is magic available to them and struggle
through learning how to use it for their needs and wants. We always are rooting for our
characters to not make the same mistakes and that they will learn how to defeat the darkness that
is looming over them. By letting the characters grow because of their struggles, we watch them

19

come that much closer to concerning their enemy. King knows that Not every book has to be
loaded with symbolism, irony, or musical language (they call it prose for a reason, yknow), but
it seems to me that every bookat least every one worth readingis about something (201).
And your book is about the growth that Shane and Cynthia are forced into because of the magic
that is involuntarily placed into their lives. Through the rules that you place down, we will be
able to see this development. Your audience will enjoy the story more, and they will want to
come back and read the second adventure.

20

2.

The Significance of

Magical Consequences
In the book titled, How to Write Science Fiction & Fantasy by Orson Scott Card, there
is a section focusing on the rules and consequences of magic. This section is meant for writers to
take examples from and to apply to their own writing before they start writing and during the
writing and revision processes. Card says about a story, the reader is uncertain about what can
and cant happen in the story until the writer has spelled out the rules. The rules dont
necessarily have to be completely spelled out to the reader. They just need to exist in order for
the reader to understand that there are limitations. Rules give an encompassment to a story; rules
are the glue that holds a story together. Card goes on to say, you, as a writer, cant be certain of
anything until you know the rules as well (Card 36). By this, he means that having ideas for a
story that expend the imagination can be the beginning of something great, but when all the ideas
are brought together, the writer must set rules in order for a good story to be born. It is a good
idea, then, to sit down and actually figure out rules (with consequences) that you think your
characters should follow while magic is involved. If there are no rules with consequences in your
story, the reader will be confused and will not be able to fully understand it and connect with it.
Card gives a very detailed example of a rule that can have many different kinds of
consequences. Though he does not expect writers to use his exact ideas, it can give writers an
understanding of how many consequences can be imagined by one, simple rule. The example he
uses is the consequence of an external body part being removed as the price for magic being able
to work. He says, Its simple, its painful, and its grotesque to imagine (Card 48). Here are his
detailed consequence ideas:

When characters use magic, they lose bits of their own bodies (Card 48).

The magic user must actually cut of a part of his or her body, or have it cut off
(Card 48).

21

The magician must cut off someones body part (the body of any human), for spells
and magic to work, and will keep herds of people to serve for just that purpose (Card
48).

To use magic, the character must have someone volunteer to be the one whose body
part is cut off (Card 48).

When the magician casts a spell, someone loses part of his body but [the magician]
cant predict who. It is always someone that he cares about, however (Card 49).

When a wizard casts a spell, body parts wither and fall off the person he loves the
most (Card 49).

The possibilities are endless, but Card says, You get the idea. There are at least this
many permutations possible with every other source of magic Ive ever heard of (Card 49).
Having any kind of list, such as this, will help in finding consequences for magic. Writers might
even write a list of their own and then choose which consequence they like best for the kind of
magic their characters use in their books.
Remember, the stories you tell, the world you create, will in many ways be dependent
on the decisions you make about the rules of magic (Card 49), so spending a good
amount of time on rule and consequence making will give your story the container that
will make it great.
Time and time again successful authors have received praise for their ideas and their abilities to
make other worlds and fictional characters come to life in the hands of readers. Its because of
the rules in their stories that they are able to taste this sweet success, and its because of the
consequences of magic that readers are able to put themselves in the spot of a main character.
This kind of connection is what makes readers keep coming back to the same book. With Orson
Scot Cards guidelines to making consequences, here is an example of how a story can be
successful when these guidelines are applied. Brandon Sanderson is an example of a successful
writer, and his Mistborn trilogy shows why he is so well known and loved. In the first book of
Mistborn titled, The Final Empire, Sanderson adds magic to help his story along by way of
metal. The rule is that someone with the ability to use magic must swallow a certain kind of

22

metal in order to use the kinds of power that come from the metal. Here are some of different
consequences from using this magic:

It takes years to perfect the ability to use the metal digested effectively.

When all the metal is used up, the power and strength disappear, which leaves the
user feeling venerable and somewhat helpless.

Addictions come from having the power and using it too much.

Here, Sanderson does exactly what Card suggests by finding a few different
consequences for his magic rule. He makes time an element to using the magic well, lack of
magic a vulnerability, and addiction to magic an effect. Sanderson even uses an interesting way
of introducing this power to the reader for the first time. His protagonist calls the power luck
since those around her consider her a kind of lucky charm. Luck in the real world is what people
say they have when something goes the way they want it to even when the odds point in the
opposite direction. So, this is an automatic connection that readers can find with the character.

Lack of Magical Consequences

in
The Toy Shop Tales
Magic is an element added to a story to enhance it. If main characters use magic, they
need to have some kind of change that comes over them while theyre using it (like how
Sanderson has the metal slowly run out whenever its used) and/or they need to have a reaction
from using it (like getting addicted or feeling vulnerable when the metal is gone). Writers often
want to push the imagination with no limitations, but without boundaries and consequences,
characters will stay stagnant and readers will lose interest in them because, for example, no one

23

wants to read about Harry Potter destroying Lord Voldemort with a flick of his wand right when
he touches it for the first time; no one wants to see Mistborns suddenly taking over the world just
because they get a little metal in them for the first time. Also, having so many different kinds of
magic will not only keep the readers confused, but it will make the characters from grasping and
demonstrating stronger magical abilities.
In your story, you have two characters that are mostly focused on. Cynthia and Shane use
magic for the first time in this story, but there are no consequences for them using it. With so
many different kinds of magic in your story, your readers will start to wonder how your main
characters never knew about magic before because there is so much of it and there are no
restrictions. A good example of magic not having consequences in your book is the magic that
comes from the stickers. Both Cynthia and Shane put on a sticker; Cynthias makes her run fast
and Shanes makes him strong. But at what expense? At one point in your story, on page 280,
Shane is holding a cement bench over his head preparing to throw it. He carries on a
conversation with a Falconiano while he easily just keeps that bench over his head. He may have
the power of strength, but to what extent? Can he pick up anything in the world no matter how
big it is? Does he feel any strain at all from lifting heavy objects? These are some questions
readers will be asking, so its good to know the answers and express them in your writing. Card
says there needs to be limitations and consequences or magic will never be contained.

Creating Magical Consequences

Find your magic some consequences. We have gone through your book and have taken
note of every time magic is used throughout your story. So, looking back at figure one on page 9,
you can take all those times when magic is used and put consequences to them.
We like that youve taken things from the real world and used them as the things that give your
characters magical abilities. When we first read the line about the stickers in the beginning
when Cynthia says its not a love letter, Its a sheet of weird looking stickers, the magical
sensors in our brain started going off like crazy (100)! We were pushed in to wanting to know
what they would do and we werent disappointed because the reader finds out that the stickers

24

have magical abilities. Here, you demonstrate what Sanderson does in Mistborn when he
introduces the magic as luck, so youre off to a good start. However, later, as we continued
reading, the desire to know more about the stickers was still there, yet nothing more is ever
shared. We suggest adding some details about Cynthia and Shane getting tired or drained after
using the stickers for the first time. Then, when Austin sees them and says, Super stickers,
arent they?, he can then explain to them what the stickers do and what kinds of consequences
they might have in the future as well as what they might have already started experiencing.
(292). Make sure that the source of magic that the stickers come from is the same source that
other magical things come from in your book. You have so many magical elements and objects in
your story that its hard to keep track of them all, so try condensing the things with magic, or
have the source be something like a wizards spells being put on each object. Also have
consequences for using them. Here are some examples:

Make the magic run out after using them for a certain amount of time.

Make the characters using the magic get dizzy or sleepy after they stop using magic.
Or have their strength be used up after using for a certain amount of time.

A good way of looking at the magic is that you create branches off of the main source of
power to serve your purposes and give them the same consequences or different consequences
depending on what branch of power theyre using. Orson Scott Card does this in Mistborn by
making the main source the metal that is digested; in his book, however, it can be different kinds
of metal that let the user do lots of different kinds of magical things.
Here are a few examples of consequences being added to your story in the scene when
Shane is holding a bench over his head on page 280.
If you choose to have the power run out after so much time of being used, the scene
might go something like this:
Why dont you join us? the man-Falconiano exclaimed as Shane held a cement
bench over his head as a weapon. You would be a choice operative among the
ranks of the Council.
I find that hard to believe, Shane shot back as he began realizing that
the bench was starting to feel heaver in his hands. Austin had warned him that

25

only one hour of continues use could be used at a time or the sticker would
malfunction. Shane threw the bench with the last surge of strength he could
muster.
If you choose to make the power cause dizziness as well as run out after a certain amount of use,
the scene might look something like this:
Why dont you join us? the man-Falconiano exclaimed as Shane held a cement
bench over his head as a weapon. You would be a choice operative among the
ranks of the Council.
I find that hard to believe, Shane shot back as he began realizing that
the bench was starting to feel heaver in his hands. Austin had warned him that
only one hour of continues use could be used at a time or the sticker would
malfunction. Shane threw the bench with the last surge of strength he could
muster, and then ran towards a group of evergreen trees sitting on the opposite
[side] of the fountain. He staggered a little bit as the dizziness after effect hit him.
First you wanted to kill me, now youre trying to recruit me?[A]re you going to
send me an invite to a party next?
This is only one instance in which consequences could make your story better. It needs to be
apparent throughout your whole book starting with the first time the characters are introduced to
magic in chapter five on page 104. You could do something like this:
Pg. 104 - Shane bolted towards them, leaning in with his shoulder. Catching Tony
off guard, he hit Tony square in the chest, which sent him flying backwards and
into a messy bag of trash. A dizzy sensation came over Shane as everyone looked
at him wide-eyed.
This example doesnt include the power running out because its only used for a couple of
seconds. Do you see how these consequences work? By taking the examples we have given,
come up with your own consequences and/ or use our suggestions, and look over each of the
passages shown in figure one and rewrite them with consequences added.

Result: Character Development

26

Again, magic consequences will help your book immensely. If you take action and apply the
things which weve suggestion, your characters will be able to grow more and have more
personality from their reactions to the consequences.
Orson Scott Card gives great suggestions in his craft book on having consequences, and he is
well-known for his well-written books. Brandon Sanderson shows great examples in his story,
and his books are very popular. Though your book is not up to par with these great authors, by
adding in consequences to your magic, your book will have much stronger potential. More
people will be inclined to read your work because magic consequences make the characters
better and less stagnant.

3. The Significance of
Understanding Point of View
and Character Roles
Rachel Cusk, an award-winning novelist and writer, asserts that in order for a piece of
fiction to be realistic, one should start with the proposition that existence is bound to a single
"point of view." This doesnt mean that perspective cant shift from one character to another. But
Cusk points out that subject and object must be distinguished from one another. In the authors
mind its easy to get lost in the power to transform reality, and with their world as a template for
their projected desire, characters easily merge and the pages quickly lose their magic.
The concept of point of view is inadequately practiced whenever the perceiver is not
separated from the object perceived. Cusk gives this example to explain:
Jane might like the Tuscan countryside; John might hate it; but the actual value of the Tuscan
countryside is something that has to be established in the writer's mind outside of John or Jane's
opinion of it. John and Jane can then be brought in to reflect, contradict or debate its worth, but if
the writer has not managed first to separate John and Jane from the Tuscan countryside then
the resulting fiction will seem unrealistic and dissatisfying.

Before you write from a decided point of view, you must establish what is not a matter
of opinion, what is true. A great deal of time and thought must be put into this distinction in
order to create a believable story with realistic characters.
When the reader can travel between different points of views, each chapter written from a
different characters perspective, it is easier to resolve differences in perception, but can seem
brittle compared to the great organic enterprise that is the novel at best. Cusk stresses the
importance of one point of view dominating the novel in order to create a character that the
reader relates their own experiences to.
Correct use of point of view will allow the distinction between main and supporting
characters to be clear. Bettina Hanlon is an author and professor who understands the importance

of clarifying this difference in fiction. In her dissertation, she uses famous novels to support her
claim that supporting characters contribute to the novels depiction of the main character
(abstract).
The main characters role is clear: to be the center of the plot and its changes, and to
stimulate responses from the reader. They are usually presented with more psychological and
moral complexity than supporting characters (2). In order to highlight the main character and
distinguish him/her from the others, their point of view must illustrate a deep, complex way of
thinking.
The role of supporting characters, on the other hand, is often misunderstood and misused.
Hanlon says this:
They change minimally or remain static, and serve primarily as complements to the main characters.
They can be functional and be sources of interest in themselves at the same time. They are often
typical of their time, place, and class, providing background and significant comments on the
exceptional, and more complex, virtues and vices of the main characters. (3)

Their role is to create the environment that the protagonist struggles in by presenting typical
attributes of the time and place in which they live. Concerning the perceptions they share, their
connections with the main characters and discussions of them are crucial in evaluating the main
characters' relationships to the community (3).
Point of view is the tool that, when used properly, allows characters roles to be clear and
consistent. When their perceptions are their own (not merging), the distinction can be made
between complex emotions and typical observation. Each character can develop on their own,
but to the depth necessary for their role in the story.
The novel The Candy Shop War wonderfully demonstrates Brandon Mulls ability to
develop his characters through clear, consistent points of view. Though the perspectives switch
from character to character, the roles of each person remain clear because he keeps the perceiver
separate from the object and distinguishes Nates way of thinking from the others. Nate, the main
character, is clearly so because of the developed perception he exhibits compared to the other
characters, who reveal their personalities through their thoughts and feelings, but not deep
emotions.
The point of view shifts briefly on pages 22 and 23 from Summer to Nate, then back to
Summer. This short shift wasnt disorienting because the viewer remained clear. Summers

section begins with Summer pedaled furiously up the street on her stupid, pink bicycle (page
18). The object, her bicycle, is described subjectively in a way no one but Summer would know
as truth. Nates point of view soon takes over to give the reader his impression of the characters
he just met. How could such an obvious doofus be part of a club he was having trouble
joining? (page 23). Even though the setting changed just sentences before, Nates opinion is
treated as truth, reorienting the reader.
Comparing the two perceptions, it is clear that Nates emotions are conveyed more
strongly that Summers. We see his self-consciousness and cynicism immediately, while we only
know that Summer hates pink.
When events take place, Mull allows his speaking character to describe the circumstances
subjectively. But the trouble usually arises when multiple characters are present and acting. He
keeps his points of view consistent still, allowing the reader to see specific characters
impressions and interpretations of others, a key in the development and complexity of a
character. For example, on page 33 Summer sees Nate enter the room. He was in a green
button-down shirt and jeans. He looked a little dazed. Then he made eye-contact with Summer,
and his face came to life. The verbs used are straightforward, like was, looked, and made.
Rather than just describing Nates entrance, Mull shows Nate through Summers perception.
As the main character, Nates perception is a little more in depth when it comes to
analyzing other characters. For instance, on pages 85-86, Nates description of his mother
illustrates his deep perception of her without merging his and her perceptions. Mull writes Nate
could see that the experience had left his mom feeling frazzled, rather than just his mom felt
frazzled. Nates perception of his mom is further emphasized when he says Nate felt a little
guilty with her gazing at him like her knight in shining armor. This image is still displayed
subjectively, an obvious perception of Nates, not his moms. If it had read She gazed at him,
seeing a knight in shining armor, the characters perceptions would have merged, creating a
distracting and unrealistic story.

Lack of Point of View Control and

Character Roles in Toy Shop
Tales
Brandon Mulls ability to develop his characters to different levels, keeping them separate
and real, is attributed to his understanding of point of view and character roles. By analyzing his
example in Candy Shop War as well as the article and dissertation by Rachel Cusk and Bettina
Hanlon, it has become evident that the inconsistent points of view and depths of perception in
your manuscript, The Toy Shop Tales, are a chief contributor to the undeveloped characters
within.
Shane is the most prominent character in your novel. But his perceptions often merge
with Cynthias, and the other characters points of view mesh as well. Their perceptions are not
their own, and are difficult to distinguish from each other which makes their individual chapters
less meaningful. The point of changing perceptions, as Cusk points out, is to highlight different
characters and see things one wouldnt see or understand otherwise. This is difficult to
accomplish in a book that switches perspectives so often. There are 24 chapters, most of which
begin with a different persons point of view. Within those 24 chapters, multiple asterisks are
used to separate either setting or character 38 times. Combined, thats about 62 shifts. Keeping
characters consistent becomes increasingly difficult as the story progresses.
Just by searching the names of each character in your book, we see that Shane and
Cynthia are the most prevalent. Shanes name is used 803 times. Cynthia is mentioned 823 times.
And Austins name is used 324 times. Shane is the most complex character and is at the center of
the plot, but the pages he fills either arent distinctly important, or combine with the perceptions
of other characters (particularly Cynthia). To demonstrate how often Shane and Cynthia are
referred to as one, rather than as distinct characters (one of which should be the sole observer),
we found every time Shane and Cynthia or Cynthia and Shane were mentioned in your
manuscript. Out of the 63 times these phrases are used, 48 combine their perspectives by using

verbs that illustrate them as one character. Sentences that begin with Shane and Cynthia and
end with phrases like could tell, couldnt see, and glanced at each other with uneasy
feelings stirring around in their stomachs display subjective content from more than one
perspective. This makes the character who is meant to be speaking less realistic. It disorients the
reader.
We will explore a few chapters where unsuccessful shifts in point of view occur. The end
of chapter sixteen is written primarily from Austins point of view. The readers tap into his
emotional and physical discernments as demonstrated in this simple statement- Austin curled
his lip as he pondered the idea (151). On the next page, the point of view shifts, displaying
multiple perspectives: Once again they found themselves back in the store without a single
broken window, shelf or toy, (152). Just a few lines later, Shane and Cynthias perspectives
merge with Austins: Glancing at one another, neither Shane nor Cynthia were sure exactly
what to say, (152). This form of narration is omniscient, but the purpose of shifting points of
view in different chapters is to gain an understanding of individual characters at different times.
Austin is highlighted in these pages, but the spotlight leaves him when the point of view is not
controlled. Austin had no way of knowing that Shane and Cynthia werent sure what to say, yet
its spoken as truth, not perspective.
This problem occurs with Shane in chapter seventeen. We see that Shane is the primary
observer with descriptions like Austin, did we... began Shane, speechless, (154). Whether
Shane is speechless or not is subjective, but since Shane is the observer, we know it to be true.
However, when he refers to Cynthias feelings, subjective matter concerning her perspective is
stated as fact. Reflecting upon the attack from the Falconianos, they were both asking the same
questions: What are we to do? Are we going to get attacked again? (152).
Generally, your chapters highlight the insights and experiences of the central characters.
This switching of perspectives is a great way to develop each character and allow the reader to
get to know them. But their experiences become unconvincing when they suddenly become
omniscient and know what other characters are thinking and feeling. Correcting these small but
prevalent errors will make an evident difference in how your story and characters are portrayed.

Creating Consistent Point of View

and Establishing Character Roles
The solution to this issue is simple. First do as Rachel Cusk advises and, from a decided
perspective, establish what is truth and what is opinion. What is opinion must be stated as such,
and what is fact must be something that the observing character is certain of.
Using the chapters I previously explored, I will demonstrate how to make this essential
distinction. On page 146, the perspective shifts from Cynthia to Shane (separated by multiple
asterisks). Shanes perspective takes over until page 149, when Austin enters the scene. There
are no symbols that indicate a switching of perspectives, but at this point, Austin becomes the
observer. Look for places like this where there is a noticeable, necessary shift in point of view
and either separate it with a new chapter or asterisks, or continue on in the original observers
point of view. Heres how I would do it:
The chest burst open, showering the garden in a spectacular variety of colored fireworks
and sparks. Backing away, the Falconianos watched as [Austin] stood up from the depth
of the chest. His appearance was younger and he wore a long scarlet ceremonial robe.
Falconianos have a lot of nerve and skills, but I never would have expected such a brutal
show of force within the domain of a magician, he said.
*****
Stepping out from the chest as the troll charged, Austin moved his hands in a circular
motion and a ring of blue energy appeared, moving in harmony with his hands. Gaining
speed, Austin watched intently
It is clear that before the asterisks, the image was one that Shane observed. After, Austin is the
observer and the reader can focus on what he experiences.
Austins perspective merges with that of the Falconianos on page 150 when it says
Flying over the trees with all the speed they could utilize, the Falconianos dove towards the
entrance to the garden... Entangling themselves in the vines and branches, the Falconianos cried
out in anger as they were brought towards the ground. To distinguish what is fact and what is

opinion, describe these events from Austins point of view. For instance, The Falconianos dove
toward the entrance with unbounded speed The branches and vines caught their wings and
lowered them to the ground. Cries of outrage pierced the air. Without shifting points of view,
the latter example describes the same image and keeps the reader with Austin.
Adjustments like this can be made quickly and easily. I will highlight some statements
that merge perspectives and suggest alternative descriptions base on who the observer is.

Observer- Austin: Once again they found themselves back in the store without a single
broken window, shelf or toy. (page 152)
o Alternative: He found himself in the store once more with Shane and Cynthia.

Not a window, shelf, or toy was broken.

Observer- Austin: Austin turned to them, an exhausted look on his face. No one said
anything. Glancing at one another, neither Shane nor Cynthia were sure exactly what to
say. (page 152)
o Alternative: Austin turned to them, an exhausted look on his face. No one said

anything. Shane and Cynthia glanced at each other, their eyes unsure.
Observer- Shane: Though they didnt communicate beyond casual waves, Shane knew
Cynthia felt as he did. Reflecting upon the attack from the Falconianos, they were both
asking the same questions: What are we to do? Are we going to get attacked again?
(page 154)
o Alternative: Though there was no communicate between him and Cynthia
beyond casual waves, Shane could see the same questions in her that he pondered
himself. What were they supposed to do? Were they in danger of being attacked

again?
Observer- Cynthia: This statement perked Coltons interest, but he did his best to hide it
as he played with the ice in his drink with his straw. (159)
o Alternative: Colton perked up at this statement, but quickly turned his attention
to poking the ice cubes in his drink with his straw.

Analyze each statement and whether its subjective or objective. If its subjective, is it displayed
as the observers opinion, or portrayed as truth? Assumptious writing that displays more than one
characters subjective perspective must be altered to show only a single point of view.
The main source of this is seen with Shane and Cynthia, who are portrayed as one person
through continually merged points of view. Take the following steps in order to separate them so
they may develop as individuals.

1. Search all times Shane and Cynthia are referred to together (Shane and Cynthia,
Cynthia and Shane, they, him and her, she and he,
2. Establish who the current observer is in the section.
3. As shown in the examples above, separate opinion from truth. Only allow a character to
share what they know and feel themselves.
Heres an example of a passage where these steps can be applied.
1. Page 195
2. Shane is the observer.
3. Original: With their adrenaline pumping, both Cynthia and Shane bolted forward, diving
towards the ghouls. The skull heads spun all the way around, laughing merrily within
inches of Shane and Cynthias outstretched fingers. With ease they jumped into the air,
sailing over the top of Shane and Cynthia in a perfect somersault, landing with perfect
posture and stance while Shane and Cynthia cascaded over the edge, right into the heads
of the confounded crowd.
Revised: His adrenaline pumping, Shane bolted forward with Cynthia at his side. They
dove toward the ghouls. The skull heads spun all the way around, laughing merrily within
inches of their fingers. They jumped over his head with ease, landing in perfect stances
from perfect somersaults. He and Cynthia cascaded over the edge right into the heads of
the confounded crowd.
Once this is done, and all characters truly have sections dedicated to their perspectives, they will
be distinguished enough to be developed differently. Shanes perspective, because it wont be
meshed with Cynthias or Austins, must be displayed as deeper, more emotionally complex. His
relationships with the other characters must be illustrated, and their perceptions of him will allow
the reader to relate most to Shane and recognize the purposes of the others.

Result: Developed, Realistic, and

Established Characters
Distinguishing fact from opinion is essential in developing characters perspectives.

Small changes in the way things are described make a large difference in the way characters are
perceived by the readers. If you follow these suggestions, each character will be more realistic
and relatable. When the point of view shifts, it wont be disorienting or distracting. It will allow
each character to be highlighted, setting the stage for individual development.
Shane will have more opportunities to shine because hell stand alone as an intricate,
emotionally realistic and relevant character. The other characters will have established roles
because their perspectives will be displayed individually, differently than Shanes.
Making your characters more realistic is the ultimate key to engaging your audience.
With your readers in mind, you will be able to make your story clearer, more developed, and
easier to connect to.

Conclusion
Thank you again for allowing us to critique your work. As harsh as this report may sound, we
truly enjoyed and appreciated the opportunity you gave us to read your story and apply our
developing skills as editors in order to help you revise it.
Just to go over once more what weve stated:
In order to bring life into your story, you must develop your characters. In your manuscript,
we found a lack of rules and consequences concerning the magic used. This did not allow your
characters to develop through the challenges presented by such limitations. Creating specific
methods and consequences will make an environment that they can learn and grow in, making
the characters dynamic and realistic.
We also found that the lack of point of view control did not allow your characters to develop
individually. Separating them from each other by distinguishing truth from opinion will make it
possible for roles to be fulfilled.
The creative ideas in The Toy Shop Tales will come to life with the characters if you follow
the steps we outlined in this report. Those who read your story will find it relatable and fun to
read without becoming disenchanted by stagnancy or disoriented by inconsistency.

Works Cited
Card, Orson Scott. How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy. Cincinnati, OH: Writer's Digest,
1990. Print.
Cusk, Rachel. How to write fiction: Point of view: In two minds: Learning to
distinguish between

point of view and objective truth is the writer's

first step towards creating authentic, resonant work, writes Rachel

Cusk. London (UK): Guardian News and Media Limited, 2011. Web.
Hanlon, Bettina. Supporting characters and Rural Communities in the Novels of George Eliot
and Thomas Hardy. Ann Arbor, MI: Dissertations Publishing, 1983. Web.
King, Stephen. Carrie. New York City: Doubleday, 1974. Print
King, Stephen. On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft. New York: Scribner, 2000. Print.
Sanderson, Brandon. Mistborn: The Final Empire. New York: Tor, 2006. Print.