Welcome to Meekie Monthly.

If you have experienced problems opening this magazine, please visit PC World and get yourself a better computer. Oh. And there’s a large picture of a woman in a bikini on the front cover (in case you’re at work and your boss is watching you) Royston

MEEKIE MONTHLY
Issue 8

September 2007

It’s as mad as a badger!

FREE!

WE’VE GONE ALL OIRISH!
Mora na maidine dhuit! (See?)

Your FREE Ellen McElroy track!
(We’re just too damn good to you !)

Inside:
Lots of Irish people, lots of non-Irish people, people who are Irish and have been to Ireland, people who are not Irish but have been to Ireland, people who are Irish but are not Irish, people who think they’re Irish and much, much more!

Editor’s welcome
Dear Meekie readers
Ah September. For most kids across the world, it’s back to school and for the rest of us normal people, it’s back to traffic jams as we battle our way to the office. Kids. Who needs them? But I’m very excited this month as it’s the start of the Rugby World Cup. For all those girls out there, yes I did used to play. Sadly, I had to retire at the age of 13. Being a pretty boy, I was the obvious target for the thugs in the game. But the sweet smell of testosterone and the manly bonding sessions before the game still live with me. We’re holding several rugby-themed parties in our large country mansion to coincide with this year’s event. My surgically-enhanced wife Brenda has been busy getting her jugs out for the sangria. Meanwhile, 16 year old Cindy has very kindly invited the to allow the local rugby team to ‘pull their train’ ( I presume they’re arriving by rail) and young Timmy has been busy setting up his Coke stall once again for those who are driving. Have a great September! Editor

meekiemonthly
Contact details: royston@meekiemonthly.com Editor: Royston Butterscotch

Cover girl: Megan Clarke from Belfast Contributors: Kathryn Allen, James Harris, Ben Myers, Richard Yates. Thanks to Deirdre Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine. To subscribe, email royston@meekiemonthly.com

www.meekiemonthly.com
We take your privacy very seriously. Meekie Monthly is a free subscription based magazine and you can unsubscribe at any time by emailing royston@meekiemonthly.com , putting UNSUBSCRIBE in the Subject box. We won't sell or share your email address with anyone else and we will never ask you for any money. We may occasionally send you an update via this email address. Meekie Monthly is sent as a pdf file, which opens with Adobe Acrobat Reader. You can download this utility for free from www.adobe.com. We cannot accept responsibility for any consequences relating to Meekie Monthly being sent to work-based email addresses.

Royston

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2

Contents
In this month’s Meekie Monthly:
5. Interesting facts about ninjas 6. Celebrity Showdown– Irish people battle it out 8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity! 10. Letters page 12. Cover band 15. The Lads’ Page– Learn how to flip a bike! 17. Boys’ problems 18. The Debating Chamber 22. Are you a Facebook Slut? 22. Have a look yourself 26. Your horoscopes 28. Sport

Issue 8 September 2007 The “Oo– get me, I’m such a Diva” Competition Result!
As you know Meekie Monthly likes to ask celebrities daft questions and in most cases, they respond in good humour. Last month we had a reply and asked you readers if you can guess which mega star’s PA sent us this little gem:
“***** would not be able to participate in an interview unless; you could offer a fee for his time, offer him an excusive interview asking more than 1 question (therefore giving ***** an opportunity to talk about different things he is up to), publish the address of his new website currently in development and provide him with proof of print. He certainly wouldn’t wish to answer just the one question you have posed I’m afraid. I’ve attached a biog of ***** for your interest” Not one reader managed to get it right and so noone won the £40,000 that was on offer. However, we can exclusively reveal that the answer is of course, Craig Phillips!..... No, I don’t know who the fok he is either.

I love Meekie Monthly so much that I added two can additional eyes so that I any given read two issues at time. Rupa, Glasgow

For our new readers…. (both of them) …..

hat W

ie? ek me is a

Man Arrested Over Meekie ‘Prank’
Meekie Monthly fan Tony Ferrari was arrested last night after trying to impress judges in a fancy dress competition. The 34 year old from Wem in Shropshire turned up in a ginger afro wig, a raincoat and carrying a large car horn. When the judges asked who he had come as, Tony mimicked comic legend Harpo Marx, who never said a word on screen. Judge Norman Boakes told Meekie Monthly “I asked him who he had come as and unlike all the other contestants, he steadfastly refused to tell me his name. I was Nicked: Tony in his ginger wig outraged and immediately called the police”. Officers arrived at the fancy dress party to find Tony running around chasing after the young women honking his horn and playing on his harp. “I’ve been deeply disturbed by events over the last few hours” said Tony from his cell, “I was only trying to bring a bit of happiness into people’s lives”. Tony is due to be charged with not keeping a breach of the peace.
Hero: Harpo was a nutter

This is a drawing of a meekie by a wellrenowned artist
Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every month? For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since 1988.

This is a real-life photo of a meekie
Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole world over– even in places like Ireland

ut r knew abo ve ngs you ne 101 thi

injas N

eded] ∆ [citations ne

op assistant who Jeremy Ninja, a local sh nted in 5 BC by 1. Ninjas were first inve from work. ninjitsu) which felt unsafe walking home d ninj (later shortened to fence system calle , after his dog Brian. 2. He invented a self-de Jeremy called nunchuks ain, which lowing him a utilised two sticks on a ch sassins over the head, al sh would-be as This allowed Jeremy to ba was boshing other safe passage home. and before long everyone ht on though ever, always one step 3. Ninjutsium soon caug n nunchuks. Jeremy how r ow ristmas decorations over the swede with thei wing stars– a bit like Ch vented thro is allowed Jeremy to ahead, then went and in e head as he cept a bit more deadly. Th trying to bosh him over th from milk bottle tops, ex made with nunchuks, who kept any would-be assassins assassinate sism also died s way home from work. assassin. The fad of ninja made hi ot dead by a would-be The Samurai, in 498 BC after being sh my died in remy in his bag of chips. 4. Jere ad an article about Je o members. at was until a Samurai re with him. Th Within 7 months, it had tw a ‘Crazy Ninja Gang’’. re featured on a n, then decided to set up e ‘Crazy Ninja Gang’ we Gordo e Eastern World after th dly spread throughout th 5. Ninjitsu rapi ther Rantzen. ed in next year ’s programme, hosted by Es day time TV about ninjas being includ popular many. There is also talk ts of cartwheels. w a popular pastime for ring the smog by doing lo njaism is no 6. Ni that their job will be clea although critics point out Olympics, away. This will whoosh the smog ied for security reasons. s ninja cannot b e identif ou it a ‘Kawasaki Ninja’. 7. The world’s most fam of ninjas, and they called e a motorbike in honour 8. Kawasaki even mad
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 5 MEEKIE

Celebrity Showdown

V Mike Dan
an) (that singer m
(the

Riverdance man )

a true make him 8/10 ood looks ic g an’s class Looks: D ladies t for older gh he dreamboa uch althou funny as s 10/10 rticularly Bruno nt: Not pa k le Comic Ta d impression of Fran goo can do a me– even ed all the ti 9/10 fully quaff ir is beauti ’s ha Hair: Dan e shower ic n he’s in th of TV mag whe ger by use e big 9/10 s me is mad an’s 4’2 fra ble for trickier scene Height: D ou 4’2 stunt d and has a

36/40

Total:

Looks: Michae l’s just-got-out-o f-bed looks is us created by just ually getting out of be d 9/10 Comic Talent: Mike lets himse lf down on the but can do a goo comic front d jig at parties 9/10 Hair: Mike’s ’Ja mes Dean’ look s make women knees wet at the 10/10 Height: Mike is a princely 7’2 a nd as such, allo look over 7 foot ws him to walls if he stand s on his magic toes 8/10

Total:

36/40

It’s a draw! Hoorah!
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 MEEKIE

Dear

Postie Pickle
Dear Auntie May I recently caught my husband in bed with our postman. What annoys me most is that after the recent strikes, he still has the cheek to charge me a penny for an underpaid item. How can I appeal against this shabby service? Debbie Glos Dear Debbie, That husband of yours is incorrigible isn’t he? I imagine part of your postie’s plan is to send you off on erroneous journeys to the sorting office to collect your letters so he can indulge in a bit of ‘male sorting and delivery’. I’d think myself lucky if I were you - my postman charges me a pound on each underpaid item so you’re getting quite a bargain. You could compensate yourself by sorting through his bag and whipping all the fivers out of the birthday cards – just look for the ones addressed to children with old lady handwriting on the envelopes. Put the money towards the ‘beaver retreat’ fund.

ay... untie M A
Arse Hair Misery
Dear Auntie May I suffer from a very hairy arse. I've tried everything - shaving, waxing - even a blowtorch. I'm the laughing stock of the office and when I wear my new Peacocks trousers, I suffer from the 'velcro effect'. Please help From Sarah Lancs Dear Sarah, The answer to this is very simple - you need to become a man. I know, sounds odd, but if you ask around the office I think you’ll find most men have this very problem and nobody is laughing at them. A simple consultation followed by several months of slight discomfort will fade into the background once you’re back in your Peacocks slacks, swigging pints and talking in a slightly gruff voice. Just see if I’m right.

Splashback Worry
Dear Auntie May My hubby sat me down last night and said that he'd like to introduce watersports to the bedroom. I'm all for it but don't realistically see how we're going to get a speedboat up the stairs. How can I get him to see sense? Tracey Dundee Tracy dear, I see your problem – those banisters are a nightmare aren’t they. Never mind, my friend Bob will pop round Thursday morning and give you a quote to give your house the new ‘open plan’ look so you’ll have no problem getting your ‘aquatic equipment’ up the stairs. He’ll even widen the bedroom door if you put an extra sugar in his tea. If I were you I’d get on Ebay and start bidding on wetsuits before your husband loses interest. Good luck.

onth….. il next m unt
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 MEEKIE

Celebrity Interview
Only Meekie Monthly asks the questions that really matter

Jim Rock
Jim Rock (aka the Pink Panther) is the current IBC Middleweight title and Irish Super Middleweight champion. Rock is a brother of Irish hip-hop artist Ste V Roc and a cousin of former Irish welterweight champion Robbie Murray. Rock is a former WAA Inter-Continental European Super Middleweight Title, IBC Middleweight Title, WBF Continental European Light Middleweight Title, Irish Light Middleweight Title and Iris Super Middleweight Title holder and current Irish Middleweight Title holder. currently fights on Brian Peters promotions which are broadcast on Irish station RTÉ and is unbeaten since 2003.
In response to readers’ queries, yes these interviews are genuine.

IBC World Champion

What day is your bin day? My bin day is Wednesday. Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes I’ve seen Groundhog Day and enjoyed it.

If you get into a taxi alone, do you get into the front or the back? I always get in the front of a taxi and have a good chat with the driver. They are real gossip queens. What did you have for tea last night? Last night I had a salad sandwich and 2 jaffa cakes with a mug of kenco coffee. Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Yes I have seen groundhog day. Did you make love last night? Yes I made love last night.

nthlyyso. . . . eekitteers pMe.oos we sa Dear Mourite le ag .c fav
Your
Loud Foreigners
Bronkin Bonkin
deo I like to play the game of Ro e rules when I ride my boyfriend. Th reach my are quite simple– just as I me of climax, I scream out the na uses one of my ex-lovers. This ca mount me my boyfriend to try and dis So far, my but I cling on for dear life. seconds. best time is 2 minutes, 13 ve better Do any of your readers ha times than this? Tina Wetcleft Darlington

Back End of a Bus
I was in work the ot her day when I had an email that was doing the roun ds sent to my box. Imagine my horror when I open ed it and saw MY FA T ARSE! I had only been rid ing pillion when m e and my fella popped down to K wik Save to get som e Alphabites. Now some PERVER T has ruined my lif e as this picture has been se en around the world. ANON London

I’ve recently responded to a very tempting offer from a banker in Nigeria. They’ve offered me $30 million. Would some of your readers like to help me decide how to spend it? Tony Pleb Maesteg

Pointless Pooches
Can anyone explain to me what the point of dogs are? All they do all da y is shit, sniff things (usually shit), eat stuf f ( that looks like shit) and make a lot of (shit) no ise. Isn’t it time that w e got rid of these stinking ve rmin and get some pr oper animals into this world like koalas or pandas ? Terence T Clutterbuc k Calgary, Canada
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 MEEKIE

Competition Time!

Only Meekie Monthly brings you best in landmark prizes

WIN BIG BEN!

Back Issues
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly left in our cupboard. In fact, we’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since 1988, but we only launched the electronic version back in March 2007. We think you’ll find that we’re getting bigger and better every month. So if you’ve missed out on the earlier issues, fear not– you can order them, free of charge, from us. We think that in this day and age, you deserve something for free. All you need to do is email us at royston@meekiemonthly.com, requesting which issue you want. We’ve got them all from March onwards. Think– they might be worth something in a few years’ time. Probably not though.

DING-DONG-DING-DONG. DING-DONGDING-DONG. DING-DONG-DING-DONG. DING-DONG-DING-DONG. DONG! DONG! DONG!!!
Yes, that’s right folks. It’s 3 o’clock and time for Meekie Monthly’s splendid monthly competition. This month’s prize is very special– one of Britain’s well-known landmarks– Big Ben. Think what you could do with this large fok-off clock! You could show your friends around it, sell it to Trevor McDonald or even move it into your own back yard. It’s s cinch to win this rather large and ornate piece of kit. All you need to do is send us £40,000 (cash only sorry) to the usual address. The person who sends it in the quickest will win.
STOP PRESS: DUE TO NEW TERRORISM LAWS, WE ARE UNABLE TO BRING YOU BIG BEN AS THIS MONTH’S PRIZE. WE CAN OFFER READERS A CARRIAGE CLOCK THOUGH

I like to read Meekie Monthly to my fellow Chinese people. They like the hilarious stories and the colourful presentation. However, due to strict Communist laws, nobody in China can get a copy of Meekie Monthly. So they’d probably like the hilarious stories and colourful presentation if they could get a copy.

Stan, China
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 MEEKIE

Get noticed

Even in small business, image is everything
Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing

www.beacon-media.co.uk

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 MEEKIE

Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates beautiful ginger people by giving them an award. Aren’t we nice?

Ellen McElroy
Dublin-born Ellen McElroy has been performing since the age of nine. Studying in Dublin at the Irish Academy of Music and at the Leinster School of Music she has honed her craft performing worldwide in countless professional roles. Highlights of her career include leading roles in such musicals as The Hot Mikado, The Sound Of Music, The Rocky Horror Show, Jesus Christ Superstar and West Side Story. She has also shared the stage with such notables as John Barrowman and David Kernan in Aspects Of Love. She made her London debut starring in The Cuchulainn Cycle opposite Hazel O'Conner. Ellen has received critical acclaim in several productions including: Side By Side by Sondheim and the new musical review , Simply Sondheim, commissioned by Opera Fringe, Northern Ireland, and recorded by the BBC. Ellen has toured the world with the Concordia Theatre Company on board the QE2. Working with veteran musical director, David Wray she is currently a member of Music Theatre Ireland which recently completed a successful nationwide tour with A New York Songbook. She has also received critical acclaim for her role in the recent smash hit comedy The Full Monty" staged at the Olympia Theatre and National Tour. Ellen has just completed a sold out US tour with the Three Irish Tenors for the fourth year running and will be embarking on a further tour in February 07 with her fellow Irish Divas as they launch their new show stateside. Ellen’s dream of completing her first solo album came true earlier this year as she worked on Love's Illusions with producer David Wray and co-producer Mark Mc Cabe. On completion of her U.S. tour Ellen will be launching at the Sugar Club in April 07and national tour. Descibed by The Boston Globe as "Irresistable, with a sparkling personality" and by the Times as "Induced me in an inchoate wish to ask if they sang requests" and "Excellent performance". Find more at http://www.myspace.com/ellenmcelroy

Ginger Person of the Month Award
Name: Carrie Grant (the famous one) Hometown: In my living room, London Why I love being ginger: Because I just love red and it looks like a scene from Psycho when I have a shower.

COVER ARTIST- YOURS FOR FREE COURTESY OF MEEKIE MONTHLY
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 13 MEEKIE

Killing for Company gig dates
1 Sep 2007 Coopers field: Mardis Gras. Red Dragon Stage 7 Sep 2007 THE POINT - XFM presents South Wales Festival24 20 Sep 2007 BARFLY - Moshulu The bassment poncho21 Sep 2007 BARFLY - Glasgow 22 Sep 2007 TBC - Scotland cable 25 Sep 2007 Barfly - Birmingham 29 Sep 2007 Barfly - Liverpool - Ticket Line: 0870 9070999 5 Oct 2007 BARFLY - Cardiff - Ticket Line: 0870 9070999 6 Oct 2007 THE MAGNET - Liverpool

SOUTH WALES GIGS FLYER BOARD

MY LEONARD
Thursday 27 September Callaghans, Cardiff

nun We inter view a
u are MM: Is it true that yo all virgins? Nun: Yes to MM: Do you ever go dressed fancy dress parties ? as a normal person N u n : No t MM: Do you ever ge or other sundry mpted (by the devil te down the te beings) to go out incarna , get absolutely on a Saturday night club some sad fella and off your tits, pick up ins out? ck and screw his bra go ba N u n : No ‘Penguin’? MM: Can I call you N u n : No enguin MM: Ok. Thanks P

Gerrin there my Son

How to:

Back Flip a Bike
In a new series, Meekie Monthly teaches you how to impress the ladies down the local club. This month, we show you how to flip your bike but please remember that we take no responsibility for you breaking your neck or injuring amazed bystanders

Lads’ Page The
Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs

1. In the car park, build yourself a ramp from wood and bricks like this one 2. Get on your bike and drive at it as fast as you can 3. Pull back on the handlebars and kick your daps out as you flip 4. Land like a hero, find the nearest bird, take her home and shag her.
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 15 MEEKIE

PRESS is a brand new magazine on DVD – an audio/visual feast of new media, new music and multi-media art produced in South Wales. Featuring short films, animation, music videos, interviews, coverage of events and news, we're setting out to bring you what a written review just can't do. Showcasing the talent that’s right here on your doorstep, we’ll entertain and amuse you free of charge. Available in various outlets across the region and available to view on the web, we’re bringing it together for your viewing pleasure. With around 40 minutes of mish-mashed quality entertainment in every issue of the DVD, all we want from you is to press a button….. For more information contact: press-dvd@hotmail.com

Just PRESS

N! OO GS IN OM C
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 16 MEEKIE

Rugby World Cup Good Luck Wales
I love playing for Wales because…..
I love playing for Wales because we get to travel meet a lot of people we would never have met otherwise eg Nelson Mandela :-) but that is just one of the many reason why! Can't think of a bad reason why not! :-)

Meekie Monthly proudly supports Wales during the Rugby World Cup
For rugby chat, Meekie Monthly recommends www.rugbyrebels.com For rugby videos, Meekie Monthly recommends www.rugbydump.blogspot.com Meekie Monthly also recommends www.walesinunion.com and www.wrucalendar.co.uk

Sonny Parker

MEEKIE MONTHLY WISHES THEIR GOOD FRIEND LEWIS A VERY SPEEDY RECOVERY YOU CAN DO IT FELLA!

Boys’ Problems
Yes, even boys sometimes have problems that they can’t seem to fix all by themselves. So in a new series, we answer the problems that you were too embarrassed to talk to your mum about. Head meets Head
I'm desperate to blow my own trumpet as it were but I'm struggling as it's on the size of a small gherkin. I'm having trouble bending over far enough and last night I even dislocated my head. Please help. Roy, Sweden I trust that you attended to your dislocated head before sitting down to write this letter to me? If not then I fear that your life is something of an empty shell, and that you should seek help from a ‘professional’ – be they a clinical psychiatrist, or of the type featuring in the rather unsavoury ITV drama ‘Band of Gold’. (Have you not heard of vacuum cleaners?) I have limited knowledge of gherkins, apart from watching the credence pull them out of burgers at well-known fast food restaurants, in utter fear that something including nutrients may pass their mouths. I hazard however that you are expressing a concern over the scale of your old-man. Not an uncommon problem, but uncommon when mated with a desire to self-Hoover and an apparent total disregard for one’s own health. In this, most extreme of circumstances, I would usher you toward physical enhancement via surgery. This could solve both of your problems, and if you ask your morally-defective surgeon to graft an inappropriate amount of skin off your derriere and onto your trouser snake, you could land yourself an exciting new life in the ‘freaks of c…’ genre of the adult video industry. I should charge you fiends for this stuff.

DIY Help Needed
I'd like to build a masturbation station. How do I go about this? Craig, New York It is refreshing to see that many of our readers are keeping an open mind regarding “self love”, and not just resorting to several hours spent with a glass of claret surfing for stimulation on ‘The Hun’ (that old favourite). I always find computer workstations extremely uncomfortable to reside at when throwing one off the forearm, and this, combined with the regrettable embarrassment often caused by unexpected visitors searching their friends’ Internet Explorer history lists, lead me to design and develop the MASTURBATION STATION©®™ First crude mock-ups of the MASTURBATION STATION©®™ were formed from low-grade timbers and panel pins sourced from my local branch of Wickes. I soon moved to a combination of waxy polymers and chromed steel tubing, however, after an unfortunate trials incident involving splinters that left me in Leeds General Infirmary for two weeks, and rather red-faced for several months when passing local NHS employees – I don’t know if you’ve ever had a fireman cut you out of an enclosed timber framework, surrounded by adult imagery and soiled Andrex, but I have and I can assure you it is NOT a morale boosting experience. Essentially (and I am forbidden from drawing it due to unfortunate threats of legal action), this specialist piece of home furnishing consists of a reclining wipe-clean leatherette seat mounted on a tubular rail system (enabling more energetic/devious users to glide themselves into an almost upside-down position), with an attached ‘document holder’, a towel dispenser, and a waste bin. Optional extras include an ash tray and a laptop holder, although frankly the first encourages users to present themselves with unnecessary danger (especially when using the chair in the elevated position), and, for me, the use of electrical gadgetry as per option (2) destroys the purity of the device. Full technical drawings for D-I-Y (perhaps ‘self-build’ is a more appropriate term), construction of the MASTURBATION STATION©®™ are available from the Meekie head office for a modest fee (to cover patents, printing, postage, and the designers reparatory plastic surgery). I would urge you however to order one over the web from my smallholding in Poland, where they crack them out for a modest €399. Products arrive in unmarked grey crates. Prior to arrival please remove either your front door or a large window to enable fork-lifting of the device into your sordid little abodes. We look forward to receiving your order, my friend.

with Clinton Handshandi
I Want to Be Like You
I'm an avid writer, having written several columns in the church magazine and even had a letter printed in the local newspaper. How do I go about becoming a tabloid legend like yourself? Brian, Luton I have concerns that someone involved with the clergy would also find salvation in my writings, and am fearful of what sort of ‘advice’ you’re no doubt handing-out to the local boy scouts down at the local parish tea rooms. Forgetting for a moment this potential threat to your community…: One does not get up one morning, and decide to become the Don Juan of the men’s health and sexual advice arena; it is an honour that is bestowed upon one. Such knowledge and enlightenment is gained through life experiences including almost unhealthy levels of groin-based gratification. Indeed, had I not taken my Staffy ‘Rocko’ out for a walk across the Yorkshire moors that spring morning of 1984, I would not have stumbled upon that broken-down Sherpa minibus full of Russian netball players, and the chain of events that brought me to my current social standing may never have occurred. If you are looking for catalysts to assist you on your way towards fame and recognition, I would suggest such things as a summer or two’s employment with Club 18-30s, a few letters to Ben Dover regarding possible screen appearances, and possibly go find a long-haired one with a loud mouth (try somewhere like ‘Jumpin Jacks’), whom is prepared to spread bare-faced lies about your sexual accomplishment to your local fraternity in exchange for hard cash and a few bottles of Diamond White. From Master to mentor, good luck with your voyage of discovery… If you have an embarrassing problem that you’d like the world to know about, email royston@meekiemonthly.com

The Debating Chamber
Is British music the best in the World?
The tabloid columnist
Clinton Handshandi
No it is not… Does anyone else recall the scene – I believe at Glastonbury – where teen pop sensations ‘Daphne and Celeste’ were pelted on stage with various beverage vessels, items of food, coins and other miscellaneous items, whilst trying to perform “Ooh stick you, your mother too (and your daddy)” ? I do, and I recall it was both extremely worrying and satisfying at the same time. The trouble with the patrons of Britain, is that they build up such nonsensical ‘acts’, and then proceed to publicly humiliate and destroy them at every next opportunity. Personally, I prefer to serenade my fillies with soothing Balearic rhythms – conjuring up romantic images of sunsets over idyllic beaches, prior to lengthy dirty protests – rather than hit them with the ramblings of, for example, two obnoxious BritRock c*nts from Manchester. Glastonbury, by the way, is the most disappointing of mudbaths I’ve ever attended.

What do you think Debs?

I think you should fok up and go home

Every month we ask a cross section of the population to cast their thoughts on a topical topic. This month we’ve spoken to several high profile people plus a tabloid columnist. Here’s what they had to say about the state of British music

Tigertailz
All our favourite bands are American. What does that tell you?

The Automatic
(James Frost)
British music is good, definitely produced some of the best bands in the world, but I don’t think I could say it’s better than American music. But then I couldn’t say American music was better than British music. Stupid question really.

Alabama 3

Shaped by Fate
No How many words would you like that answered in?

Sister Gashington's Fashion
One of the reasons I joined the convent a few years ago was the social minefield that is fashion. The fact that I’m a bollock-chopped munter who had no success with men was another reason….but for now we’ll concentrate on the clothes. I discovered that a habit can hide a multitude of sins and you don’t even have to brush your hair. To totally contradict the Gospel of Who Gives A Flying Fok Anyway? I’ve listed a few of the classiest clothing sins there are. Use it like a checklist, the more it resonates with you, the more you should consider giving up and just wearing an oversized quilted nightie every day. On the other hand, there are those that are happy to live in slight discomfort and I don’t want to condemn their poor taste and ill-fitting clothes – this is ok too, God really does love you all……

The four-tit bra
First you have two tits (if you’re lucky)……not satisfied with two? Then get a bra two sizes too small and hey presto! The four-tit bra. Four tits does means twice as much fun and twice as much to grope – like co-joined twins in lace. The downside is it really confuses men and there are still only two nipples……unless of course you fashion another pair from chewing gum or something…..

Skinny jeans
There’s a clue in the name……….and it’s not just referring to your ankles.

Embedded Knickers
Some people get their kicks walking around like this – that mildly uncomfortable clench – because for some reason you have to. It’s not enough that a handful of material has wedged itself in your arse crack, no……you clench in an attempt to somehow shake it free. Brazillian shorts look really sexy, unless they’re cutting into your arse making it look like a litter of puppies in a sack. Last year six people were admitted to A& E with their knickers wedged so far up their arses forceps had to be used to remove them. Just give up wearing knickers for fok’s sake – it makes peeing in the gutter is so much easier.

Crop Top – Make it stop

Every month, Sister Gashington brings you the latest news from the world of fashion. This month she tackles the basics.

Ah the crop top, originally designed in the 80’s for the ironing board stomached variety of gym-bunny – now worn by every stretch-marked pot bellied Naffa that also shares the Snow White delusional mirror. For the record, that extra bit on a standard T-shirt is there for a reason and it’s not to wipe sick from the corners of your mouth. Even better is the slogan crop top like “Good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught yet” REALLY? Caught by what? Genital warts? Caught by the realisation that a longer T-shirts would sympathetically spare everyone from seeing your corned-beef flesh?

Camel Toe
This look is the inevitable result of shifting and wiggling your gusset until it wedgies you in the “front bottom” – that’s a snatch to the layman. Quite frequently this look is perfected by fat foks in leggings. An enigma in itself – a fat fok in leggings – also coupled with Snow White’s delusional mirror, overly ample dimpled legs get poured into Lycra and are transformed into twiglets…… Note: Lycra is made of stuff like elastic – not foking miracles…..A truly pungent aroma can be fermented in the folds, like milk in the sun. Some skinnies get a mild variation on this, “Gazelle Toe”, but it doesn’t have the same depth or smell of the camel. Rumour has it that certain men get excited by this - if you haven’t got the lips for it and really do want the look, then I recommend the Camel Toe Cup (see advert for details of how to get your own). MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21 MEEKIE

B B C RADIO
This month, Meekie’s lifestyle guru James Harris tells you how to get your big break on BBC radio. Here’s a few tried ‘n’ tested methods Spend a few years getting into drugs then become a stand up comedian. Bore those who were impressed by your comedy by talking to arsehole journalists about the drugs in an ever so titillating fashion (guvnor), and in fact glamorise the experience by crediting all your success to that by talking of nothing else. Then pitch a show to the radio and surround yourself with sicaphantic arse lickers who laugh at your exceptionally unfunny and self indulgent ramblings. Oh yeah and dress like a goth and all the girlies will stay listening at least. How about being the lesser known partner in a groundbreaking comedy duo, get a bit pissed off by being looked over for any decent TV work and then accept a show on a really flagging network under the banner of new music, then surround yourself by sicaphants who laugh painfully at the slightest uttering from your mouth. Oh Mr merchant you said you cared so much about producing quality and yet you give such crap, how let down we all are.

True Heroes of Barry
Barry, in South Wales is a small town but one that has produced some outstanding people. We look at those who have touched people’s lives for many different reasons. This month is Richard Taylor
Richard started skating when he was about 12 / 13 and used to go to play roller hockey at the Barry Island Rollerdome. He and best friend, Mike Rolf petitioned all the Knap residents in Barry and presented it to the council asking for a skatepark to be built down the Knap. At this stage he had come 2nd in the British Championships at his first attempt. The Knap skate park was opened in October 1996 the week after half term - but Richard skated there at every opportunity and would take towels down to dry the ramps! Having turned professional at the age of 15 after winning the World Amateur International Inline Skate Series (IISS)and qualifying 6th in the Professional Competition in Amsterdam 1996 . He went on to win the UK National In-Line skating championship twice. Taylor had a large fanbase, especially in Europe. He also competed in the British Freestyle Skiing and Snowboarding Championships in Les Deux Alpes in March 2004, winning the Big Air ski title and was about to join the Line Skis Professional Team that winter season. He collided with a concrete lamp-post while skating, near his home on August 2 and suffered a skull fracture that caused a coma He also broke both legs in the accident. When he failed to regain consciousness, his parents on August 8 consented to his life support machine being turned off. As Richard was a registered organ donor it meant that he was able to give added life to four people and the sight to two. The Skatepark reopened in August this year, revamped and for use by all the young people of Barry. Richard is still continuing to provide a legacy for others since his passing. What are you doing with your life? A true Barry legend.

Please note that this column is not the express opinion of Meekie Monthly. We find their crazy DJs hilarious and it’s so nice to wake up to their wacky, craaaaaaaaaaaazy banter every morning . God bless ‘em all.

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You?

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 23 MEEKIE

Are you a Facebook slut?
Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a Facebook slut
START HERE Are you on Facebook? yes Do you add friends no matter who they yes are? no yes You are not a Facebook slut Are you checking you profile every yes few minutes? Are you adding every application going? no Phew yes

no

Do you have more important things to do? yes

no

no Be careful. You could end up a Facebook slut yes

Have you got a Superwall?

no

Do you even add the vampires and werewolf thing?

no

Have you been looking up old flames?

no no Have you added the Pacman application?

You are a Facebook slut

yes

no Do you have an aquarium? yes

yes

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24

rthy are tr ustwo How you?

Do you care about the Earth or do you just going around doing what you want? Let Meekie Monthly answer that for you

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 25

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NEXT MONTH: Would you bang your next door neighbour?

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 27 MEEKIE

Bonjourn-o dearhearts!!! Well, well, well…to think it, eh? Another month has passed us by, the football season has begun again and Big Brother’s nearly at an end…Good God! Anyway, just in case you’re wondering who I am, and what the LES DAWSON I’m doing in this hallowed magazine’s pages, my name’s Larry Sloane (ART-ist, philanthropist & entrepreneur) and I plan to keep you posted each month on the goings on in my life. Sort of like that thing with that Paris LENNY BENNET Hilton and that skinny Rich Tea bint. What’s been happening in Welwyn Garden City, I hear you ask..? What a month it’s been! As well as news that there are to be luxury apartments built within the existing Campus West buildings (…with “en suite bathrooms”!!!), I made it into the Meekie! Imagine my pleasure, dear reader, at seeing my first ever ‘postcard’ in print…!!! As I opened the attachment, scanned through all the other shit in there to get to my bit, I was almost shitting myself in anticipation…when…what did I spy??? There seemed to be a lot of references in my piece’ to FOKKERS, German aircraft used by the Luftwaffe during the Second World War? I was momentarily confused…then it became clear! TOM O’CONNOR editorial interference!!! Each FOKKER was replacing a JIMMY TARBUCK in my original text. I was shellshocked…little white stars began to float in my eye line, then…nothing…blackness. When I came to I found that I had wet myself and had had a minor seizure (known as a petit mal) and, in the process, broken one of my mother’s Lladro figurines…one of a little boy with wings inspecting his foot. I got up and tried to fix it before she came home from the Tesco tasting…it was no good. The figurine was TERRY WOGAN beyond all repair. She would go DES O’CONNOR ballistic! The MICHAEL BARRYMORE bitch! I decided on the following course of action: 1) that I would simply attempt to laugh off any accusations from my mother over the damaged figurine and 2) that I would try to avoid any of Mr Butterscotch’s editorial interfering by replacing any potential FOKKS with the names of quiz show hosts. So, that’s what I’ve done…I quite like it so far… Anyway, there isn’t much else to report other than the fact that I’ve been editing a rather wonderful little, educational shag-rag entitled ‘The Joy of Cowface’…all about ‘doing it’ and that. I haven’t been paid yet but then what’s BOB MONKHOUSE new? Oh well, I’m running out of news and the word-count getting on a bit so I’ll sign off. Hope to see you next month with more thrilling tales about my life…oh, btw, me muvva never even noticed the broken Lladro. Probably why they’re always covered in dust…I’m waiting though…it’s going to come… Regards, Larry PS The weather’s been ROY WALKER awful hasn’t it???
Find more Larry at www.cowface.co.uk MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29

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MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 30

Sport
Due to a printing error, we are unable to print anything on this page to do with sport. We apologise for not being able to bring you the sport, and hope to bring you some football news next month for the boys, and some show-jumping news for the girls

MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 31 MEEKIE