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P H . S U M M I T M E D I A .INSPIRING ENGAGING IGNITING W W W.CO M . stwitter. and Tianna Gregory just sent you a direct message! facebook. our managing editor looks funny. 66 HOOKING UP LESSONS FROM CHEESY POP SONGS Can’t seem to read your lady’s mind? Dig deep into that Taylor Swift or Britney Spears ditty and you just might find the answer to all your questions. 74 STAND-UP COMEDY FOR NOOBS Sure. Vanessa Golub. But can he make a roomful of people laugh with his journo-style jokes? 80 RANIDEL DE OCAMPO PHOTOGRAPHY: WESLEY VILLARICA Will the Talk N Text Tropang Texter score double digits in the Man Test playoffs? www.C O NT E NTS 06 / 1 5 40 MARIA OZAWA Believe the hype— Asia’s most revered former AV idol is for real! We have solid proof (and we’re not letting go of it)! 62 HACK IT IN THE PH Make your life a tad less complicated with these certified wais Pinoy 82 GIRLS ON INSTAGRAM Karina Velez. 70 KNOCKOUT CAREER COMBOS Stun potential employers with a jaw-dropping mixture of skills and stay in demand for the rest of your sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 3 .

28 HEAVENSWARD 30 SO BAD THEY’RE GOOD Meet the girls who make the third season of Orange is the New Black worth the We have the exact number. 32 ARNEE HIDALGO The Voice PH’s “sexy momma” will have you down on your knees. Divine Maitland-Smith delivers relationship advice like no other. 12 HOLLY T. 20 TRUE STORIES Cheers to your boo-boos! 18 CHEAT LIST The cunning tactics generations of students have done to get good (or good-enough) PHOTOGRAPHY: JAYTABLANTE. WOLF 22 NEW COLUMN: WINGWOMAN 26 LADIES' CONFESSIONS Our latest batch of contributors easily gains our trust. KENCH GENATO. STYLE 97 STAY DRY Slip into the right footwear and keep your toes mold-free. here’s how to book a hassle-free trip to the country’s most popular getaways. 116 WORKOUT BUDDIES Every fitness buff’s dream gear—sorted. 36 STEREODEAL 112 GET THAT DADBOD IN THREE DAYS When geeks do rock ’n’ roll. 16 SEVERAL GIRLS GALORE 118 PRODUCTIVITY APPS James Bond has had more ladies than you will ever have in your stwitter. Tap download. 114 TOYOTA ALPHARD The ultimate family van of the modern times comes at a …or sfhmphilofficial www. 98 JAPANESE STYLE How to blend in with the crowd in case one day you decide to follow our covergirl all the way to Tokyo. STARTER LOUNGE This is how your favorite international cosplay and comic-con bombshell looks like when she’s left all her costumes at home. but it’s worth every cent. 113 HOW I DID IT Size Matters’ JR De La Paz believes there isn’t a dream—or a sausage burger—too big. with our guide to looking like a true lady-pleaser. expect it to be a riot of some sort. EJAY LEUNG.ACCESS GIRLF RI END Dragons and airships are a go in Final Fantasy’s latest sequel. ILLUSTRATIONS: JAMES ANDRES. Here’s a woman who can make you feel good about sticking Hello Kitty decals on your car. 20 BAR ROOM JOKES Funny meter dropping low? Time to stock up on some gags! 4 FH M JUNE 2015 facebook.fhm. GILBERT DAROY C ON TENTS 06 / 15 . 104 ANNE STOCKTON UPGRAD E 108 TITO TRAVELS Whether it’s you or your old man who likes some peace and quiet. Get the job done.


com. Managing Editor BA Borleo Associate Section Editor Gelo G. Maybe you could help us do some prodding? Everybody. Jear De McCuttac. Director-Key Accounts Group Regie Uy Adv. Angela Lagahid. Ria Aquino. (UK) Joe Barnes SUMMIT MEDIA President Lisa Gokongwei-Cheng Publisher Edna T. (Czech Republic) Dalibor Demel. Joyce Ann Trade Marketing Project Coordinator Patric Malicdem C R E AT I V E S O L U T I O N S Editor-in-Chief Dondi Limgenco Team Art Director Jaykee Evangelista Art Director Cleo Serevilla Associate Art Directors Jerome De Dios. Pong M. Mueco Key Account Specialists Joey Anciano. sweet lover! FHM covergirl Phoem heating things up behind the wheel at the 2015 Vios Cup 1h Cebu. Carissa Medved. Myra Gorospe E V E N T S D E PA R T M E N T Assistant Marketing Manager: Leah H. Gonzales Senior Staff Writer Ron Jay B. sniff. Said he wanted to try grappling— but only with these girls. Learn more about multiskill sets on page 70. Wesley Villarica. #BabyNumberThree facebook.. Basco Jr. (Malaysia) Rajesh Taluar. Kench Genato Styling/Makeup/Hair Kristine Toribio. The Chief with Coleen Garcia—unfortunately not taken during an FHM covershoot. Nathaniel Embiado. (Turkey) Berk Iybar. Mahinay Editorial Assistants. (China) Jacky Jin. Jigs sfhmphilofficial I S B R O U G H T T O Y O U B Y. While everyone thrashed the beaches during Labor Day weekend. Firmalan. Junn de las Alas. Annie Santos. Debra Bernales.THE TEAM: WH AT FHM ers HAVE BEE N U P TO T HI S M O N T H There are two things that a man will do with his hands when confronted with a legend like Maria Ozawa. (Russia) Slava Rovner. teamed up at the Volkswagen Eco Fun Run. JJ Dinglasan Senior Account Manager (Digital) Lucas Reyes Junior Account Managers (Print) Melinda Kitane-San Diego. Jenny Reparep. Julie Ebio. Here’s to more achievements. Togo.and even more buffets! Cheers! Tried to shed poundage from the celebratory lunch by running.. . (Philippines) Allan Madrilejos. (Slovenia) Uros Majcenovic. (Latvia) Sandris Metuzals. (Romania) Paul Breazu. Sam Potenciano. Mangers Maiza G. FHM associate art director JL and managing editor Allan H. Alex Revelar. Louis Areñas. Villariba Associate Editor Alex C. Ejay Leung. Angelica Anne Casacop. Jamie Islo..P R O O F E D B Y. Gilbert Daroy Pictures Jay Tablante. Ron Silang Key Accounts SpecialistVivian Manahan. . Suzette Tolentino Senior Account Manager (Print) Ginger . Paita Associate Art Director John Laurence O. Hernandez Art Director Paul C. (Spain) Rafael Benitez. Abigail Pinili M E D I A R E L AT I O N S Media Relations Manager Grace Enriquez Media Relations Associate Nicole David TRADE MARKETING Trade Marketing Officer Candace Lobendino Sr. (Germany) Hans Fuchs.. Adv. Melanie. Marlyn Miguel ADVERTISING Group Advertising Director Florence Bienvenido Adv. Siena Mirano. Rhoy Cervantes F H M I N T E R N AT I O N A L N E T W O R K International Director Simon Greves International Digital Director Gary Broughton International General Manager Mark Beard International Digital Manager Graham Kirk International Content Executive Ryan Chambers International Digital & Content Executive Erin Viljoen International Technical Administrator John Goodchild International Editors (Australia) Guy Mosel. Puno Production Coordinator Arnel Laigo Production Graphic Artist Louis Arenas Administrative Services Manager Whilma M. Aaron Ebio. Umali. Thankfully. (Thailand) Jakaphatchara Buranabutr. Assistants Lorena Santiago Adv. . Hannah Kim. Carlo Maala. no one did the other one during our covershoot with her! Ikeee!! (videographer Marlon was suspiciously close though). (India) Kabeer Sharma. Alcantara Celebrity Coordinator Allan Altera A N D F U T U R E . Rey Trajano. Vince Sales Illustrations James Andres. Traffic Supervisors Eliziel del Rio. Anne Castaño. Anton D. Mikke Gallardo. Cassandra Brielle. (Holland) Sander Kersten. EA Chise claims he’s now a fan of the UFC. Madrilejos Managing Editor Allan P. Edward Caringal. Eduvas Staff Writer Neps N. Jarilla WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM. Chris Lucas. Mark’s BA welcomed another addition to his cute bunch of mini-mes: Ma. Kieffer Albert Nonato. Heidi Aquende. Charlotte Barlis. Ruby Rose Frias www.Interactive Editions Rico Cruz. Words Gelo Gonzales. Raquel Lorenzo Distribution Account Analyst May Ann Ayuste Circulation Administrative Assistant Marjorie Abueme Circulation Administrative Assistant Elnie Marie Santos Export Sales Assistant Legui Brylle Gonzales Telemarketer Michelle Jayin. John Paulo Aguilera. Men’s Health’s Wayne Tulio and Allan H. Mary Rose A. Noreen Sescon-Peligro. Chinggay M. Cristine Lopez. took on the roads from Manila to Laguna on their first bro-cycling marathon. 6 FH M JUNE 2015 FHM. Madelo Deputy National Circulation Manager Glenda Gil Circulation Manager-GMA Alaine Mae Lozada Provincial Sales Manager Alexis Martinez International Distribution Specialist Ulyssis Javier Distributors Group Head Caroline Herrera Key Accounts Group Head Malou Rubinos Subscriptions Group Head Hanna Montecer Circulation Supervisor Mary Fatima Flores Systems Administrator . (Norway) Martin Thronsen. Hogaza Video Production Specialist Engelheart V. Patulan Senior Features Editor Khyne L. Kate Alvarez. Palumar Assistant Style Editor Mikey Ashlie L. Carlo Maala Editorial Assistant Miguel Escobar C I R C U L AT I O N Circulation Manager Alma M. Lhon Bituin. Angelu Hernandez. (Singapore) David Fuhrmann Lim. Charli Manapat. Marketing Associates: Sirius Langkay. (Indonesia) Richard Sam AJ Bernardo. Basta driver. (South Africa) Hagen Engler. Bye dad bods! Sniff. Lopez Admin Assistants Michiel Lumabi. Team Editor Allan A. Toni stwitter. Junior Account Managers (Digital) Onnie Del Mundo. Trade Marketing Associates Caz Marino Trade Marketing Associate Kamille Guirnalda Trade Marketing Ass. Executive Assistant Rita Barbacena Key Accounts Assistants Maricel Adaniel. . (France) Laurent Giraud. Badj Genato. (Taiwan) Saffron Lee. Bem Caharian. Daryl Lincod Jr. Felix Tong II Distributor SpecialistNorth Luzon Mark Elliot Villola Distributor Specialist-Central Luzon Gian Carlo Peralta Distributor Specialist-Central Visayas Robert Revilla Distributor Specialist-Western Visayas Ivan Dela Pena Distributor Specialist-Central Mindanao Eric Ferdinand Gasatan Newsstands Supervisor Joel Valdez Sales Representative-GMA John Lakhi Celso. Iya Yujuico. “Coleen for FHM 2015!” Stuffed our bellies full over a scrumptuous lunch buffet after winning second place at the Summit Media Rocket Awards. Jinky Rose Calugtong. Yves Truong. Anjelyn Joy Carino Subscription Coordinator Jofet Abad-Legaspi. Dianne Suegay. Jennifer Tolentino. Gladys Lapitan. Ashley Balla. Dairy Darilag. Belleza VP for Operations Hansel dela Cruz Junior Associate Publisher Aeus Kevin Reyes Digital Publisher Adel De Jesus Deputy Group Digital Publisher Amina Rillo Web Business Operations Manager Dennison Ko Web Programmer Christopher Porto Production Director Elizabeth Rellis Assistant Production Manager Jane M. Castillo. Cabit Adv. Chise A. Publisher Aeus pursued his emceeing dream at the FHM Boracay Grind.fhm.


forever. Good morning! #TGIF #may8th #fhmbubblyarny” @andreaeliza “Traveled all the way to the Philippines just to have this @ fhmphilofficial issue. I will always be with you. He will then be a certified bachelor. guys! Ito yung FHM collection ko na mas mataas pa kaysa bunso ko. sweet. Long live FHM! Kathleen Jill.PH 6F & 7F ROBINSONS CYBERGATE CENTER TOWER 3 PIONEER COMPLEX. I hope you grant his wish. by email TOP-NOTCH @cortezjayel “My breakfast for today. HBD. I love you. Ha ha. #FHMBubblyArny” CHEERS TO HER BACHELOR! My boyfriend is a fan of FHM. I know this will be the greatest present ever. MANDALUYONG CITY 1550 facebook. Christian Estable.COM/ . He’s been wishing to see his picture in your magazine. guys! Niño Aise Barrientos. via Facebook Fan Page @karlkoga “Bilang supportive talaga sfhmphilofficial This is my anniversary gift to the best girlfriend in the world. which I started in my college days in 2002. I promise. I love you so much. We love you. Sino ang may alam kung saan ako makakabili ng issues one to 27? Naghanap na ako sa Recto. more than anything else in this via Facebook Fan Page GOLDEN BOY SEXY IS BACK My husband is an avid fan of your stwitter. bibili ako e.COM/ FHMPHIL NAVY @reaikennethsalvador “Bought some books for boys #topgearphilippines #fhmbubblyarny @iamarnyross @ lj_reyes” FHM TOWER Here’s my FHM collection. PIONEER ST. Sabi ko sayo @iamarnyross. I hope you can publish the picture of my wife as a late 31st birthday gift to her last May. by email My wife and I are subscribers of your mag. so I want to surprise him with this message on our 21st monthsary on June 18.fhm. via Facebook Fan Page www. my dearest Leoven. I’m proud to tell the world of my love for him. COM. Thanks and more power. Thank you so much. and his 21st birthday on June 19. (Kidding!)…” 8 FH M JUNE 2015 FHM@SUMMITMEDIA. understanding.Get in touch! LETTERS 06/15 FACEBOOK. I love you more than you’ll ever know. loving. He's currently on board. baby! Happy anniversary! Man of Steel.PH INS TAGR AM@ FHMPHILOFFICIAL IN THE TWITTER. The most beautiful. patient. sexy woman I’ve ever met. Maestro Dantoy Baba! Love you! Guianina. Konti na lang at makukumpleto ko na.. pero wala He will turn 50 on the 17th of June.


FHM. do not compete but rather take every day as a simple challenge. Asia Gomez. and Andrea Torres. ha! More power FHM! Presenting the class valedictorian. Mabuhay kayo. guys! Anthony. Beauty and brains. indeed. by email Ito. Dadai! Thank sfhmphilofficial www.Yuri Choii. Thanks. Thanks for educating men from across the globe with your worldclass magazine. Here's my photo while enjoying my well-deserved break while I'm in Italy. ha. Mateo on FHM. We wish you all the luck ! Never give up. Please make my day a memorable one. It’s so difficult being far away from my homeland since I'm traveling here in Europe. by email It's been a while since I last sent you a letter. by email be a very memorable one for me if you’ll include my letter and see myself once again in your upcoming issue. heads up. This was taken in 2008 . After that. Thank you for being one of my motivations to finish my FHM! Kish Kho. We love you so much! Batman_21. Bong Lucas. via Facebook Fan Page Sana ma-publish din ito sa magazine niyo. Cavite. FHM! Laurence. pang UFC Ketchup. when I was in Sochi. Myrtle Sarrosa. my hot and beautiful girlfriend will be included in your June issue. I visited the world-famous Leaning Tower of Pisa. and many more. via email WOW! OU! THANK Y PS: Kay Sir Chise Alcantara. Russell Mae Dimla! She finally finished grade school and now she’s looking forward for the much anticipated secondary level. It will be my birthday this coming June 13 so it will After six years. Special shoutout to your May 2015 my kababayan from Dasmarinas. and 53rd monthsary with my girlfriend. I was not able to get your digital copies. Thank you and more power! Justin. Arny Ross! Ibang klase ang 2014 and 2015 issues You never fail to surprise us every time. for featuring the likes of Ann I think that was in April 2014. nakakatawa ka talaga! Jigz Padillo 10 FH M JUNE 2015 facebook. Ms. I also think that Tricia Santos has a good shot at the FHM 100 Sexiest list this year. The next covers were just as notable with Rachel Anne Daquis. so now I subscribed again so I can catch up on my collection. Hope you can post this as I celebrate my 26th birthday. Russia. via Facebook Fan Page FROM ITALY WITH LOVE HERE’S TO THE FUTURE! NEO BREED Good day! I started collecting FHM when the Diana Zubiri comeback issue came out last year.LETTERS GALLERY MASTERMIND JUNE BABE My girl and I are fans of yours! stwitter. Thanks. Debbie Garcia. Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng ganun karaming naggagandahan at nagse-sexyhan na mga babae. I finally graduated from my master’s studies. I love you.

. sfhmphilofficial .STARTER WI S D O M YO U S H O U L D N’T L E AVE H O M E WIT H O UT 12 FH M JUNE 2015

ph stwitter. She is such a pretty character! How do you pick the characters you cosplay? I need to like them as characters. but cosplaying is such YEP. and it does invite awesome conversations about my love of animé and video games. Will we be seeing you in the flesh anytime in the near future? Yes! I am actually planning on celebrating my birthday in the Philippines in September. see all my amazing friends here and make new ones! I actually would also love to have a condo in Manila. Wolf will have you feeling kilig all over as she talks about your favorite anime. Do you have any plans of doing cosplay group shoots with our FHM cosplay It’s a fandom. too. If you could date any character. Make sure to cover your waifu’s eyes so she doesn’t have to see you getting a naughty nosebleed. and I feel cosplay is for everyone. one guy literally did his own commentary of me walking around for 30 minutes. WOLF IS FOR REAL! an amazing hobby. To wear Asuna for the first time really gave me the feels. Alodia Gosiengfiao or Myrtle Sarrosa? I did spend a day at Alodia’s when I was in the country last time.HOT! ! M M M BA M en! Lay down your mint-condition comics and figurines and take a look at this geekgasm-inducing stunner. comics. You have really interesting looking outfits in your photo shoots. Who’s your favorite among the characters you’ve cosplayed so far? I would have to say Asuna from Sword Art Online—I just love SAO. COMIC-CON GODDESS HOLLY T. and I would love to cosplay with her in the future—she is the biggest sweetheart! Same with Myrtle. I love the sfhmphilofficial WHO IS SHE? Name: Holly T. and video games while also making you feel something else all over as you see her wearing next to nothing in the spread we have of her. You get some funny characters walking around at comic cons. I’ll do some more amazing cosplay shoots. people who I relate to and love watching. Does cosplay require a certain type of body figure? Not at all! It’s easier if you resemble the character. Anyone should be able to cosplay without negative commentary. who would that lucky fictional guy be? I would say Kirito from Sword Art Online. Do you get a lot of creepers at events? Hmm. she is gorgeous! And I love doing group cosplays! FH M facebook. Wolf Age: 26 Born in: Toronto Favorite food: Broccoli and cheesecake! Favorite color: Blue Favorite movie: LOTR trilogy Dream vacation spot: Palawan Favorite body part: My bum! Something you won’t leave home without: My headphones PHOTOGRAPHY: JAY TABLANTE INTERVIEW: CHISE ALCANTARA STYLING: KRISTINE TORIBIO MAKEUP: CHARLIE MANAPAT JUNE 2015 FH M 13 . He’s a huge sweetheart and he loves girls who can cook! Ha ha! And he’s so badass with his dual swords. Do you prefer wearing this type of “geeky” clothing rather than the regular designer outfits models usually wear? I do actually really enjoy wearing geeky clothes over normal apparel. ha ha! I have the most adorable ones with chibi vampires and other types of characters on them! We would like to see those undies next time for research purposes. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve bought at one? I buy a lot of cute undies. and of course it’s easier if I already somewhat resemble them. Holly T.

HOT! MEANWHILE. so unless Batman finds kryptonite he isn’t winning that fight. so I think Captain America would win that fight. T FIGH TIONS PREDIC BY H O L LY 14 FH M JUNE 2015 BATMAN VS SUPERMAN Superman. Batman is a regular guy with some expensive gadgets. Come on sfhmphilofficial IRON MAN VS CAPTAIN AMERICA It’s a guy with money and cool gadgets against someone who was genetically altered. Iron Man is slightly handicapped ... ha ha! Superman is basically stwitter.fhm. ha ha! www. I also have a soft spot for both the Captain and Bucky. facebook.


R D Maria Ozawa is a good name. COM E S O U T T H I S Y EA R AN D BY TH E N 007 WI LL HAVE HA D 7 1 WOM E N—ALL B OM B S H E LLS W I T H G R E AT NAM E S! N D PUSSY GALORE & stwitter. ) SYL V 1962 NO ( . WO RDS: C H I S E A L C A NTA R A I L L U S T R AT I O N S : JAMES ANDRES I RENCH AT HON EY RYDER THUMP ER DIA MIS 6 (19 LO TH A N O VA T I TA N I A MR E PUSSY GA UK M ASTERSON KISSY SUZ I TILL Y INGER J (1964) ILL FA N Y C A SE MASTERSO TIF N MBI F GOLD Just how plenty were Lana Wood’s tools in Diamonds are Forever? The answer: two. S PE CTR E .No contest. RU A N EW B O N D M OV I E . His women had to endure getting buried in all that chest . sfhmphilofficial ART BY B LETT No spy movie should ever have a girl named Nancy. the best name a Bond girl has ever had. if you’re into that ). Let’s all move then. wearing that iconic swimsuit. although creator Ian Fleming said Sir Connery looked nothing like his Google them. ON HER MAJESTY’S SEC R ET S ERV ICE (19 69 ) 7) ERV 1 AL WI C starter infographics 16 FH M JUNE 2015 I The Bond prototype. She was 26 when she appeared in the first film. No. YOU BR LIV I TA ONL Y HELGA ET AND BON T E( 96 AK I DOMINO N CIA LA No one remembers him. but Kissy Suzuki is way better. FEARING FIO NA VOLPE PAU LA CAP THUNDERBALL ( 1965) CY AN O ENZ TRACY DI VIC facebook. PAT R SEAN CONNERY GEORGE LAZENBY www. BA L 71) IE FRO (19 M AR R ER WI EV IA OR OR S EF USS ND OOLE OM MO Y O’T VE PLENT ARO ST AR 3) Ursula Andress is a bit saggy now at 79 (still hot.fhm.

ph stwitter. CH PIERCE BROSNAN DANIEL CRAIG C A S I N O R O YA L E ( 2 0 0 6 ) ER JINX 9 (19 Y OCTOPUS TH DA AN T OS MI FR R E L EKT 7) LOV MAGDA DI PEACEFUL FO OF DES R Her name strangely sounds like Janet Lim Napoles calling her daughter Jeane.AND LIVE SS MI RUSO S O L I TA I R E AV POLA I VA N A NO 74 IL 19 85 KI JO M ) AN AND D LY BER S NE A RE ERS TIMOTHY DALTON ABI G C IRL G N ) SY OMI A MO Y EAD RA A LINA ME VELOCK 81) A SOL CAMILE 8) (200 ERRY. WA N( AK Sir Connery was the stylish Bond.F I ELDS B S NN STRA W PA LY OL AS H L SPE OR LD IS E 15 RIN C 20 I ) BON D’S LOVE R SKY F É ALL (2 012 ) KA R A MI OU AT O P P N A T A LY O N O VA SIM NO ON INE TS ( 198 7) OR Y BIBI HA ) EA L 995 TA I N S UN E IR GO (1 EYE M Xenia Onatopp of what?! Of her! N DE OCTOPUSSY (1983) A L I NDA AS MIS GOODN S I SAIDA NCA A N YA AMASOV THE LIVING D AY L I GH COUNTE VON SC S (1977 D ME OVE The second best name for a Bond girl. SÉV HO G O O D HL L CORINE DUFOUR EL ANU A MOONRAKER ( 1979) QUANTUM OF S OLACE ELEINE WAI NO TE RA NOU KING ) 1999 GH ( RIS NES M MAD EW SOR TR O M S EVE NTES CIARRA TH CC (19 MO EYPENNY LIN (19 LY FELI XENIA ON 89) V E S P E R LY E DIMITRIOS ON TH TMAS JO PROF ES INGA BERG TOM OR RO W IES LICENSE TO KI LL L 2) CAROL DAH ES P ES N 200 CA RIS RVE EY YW ISL S LH LA F LUPE LA The coldest Bond of them all. M WIT SU BIA THE M AN GHT ACY ST TO N T H TH E GOL No one remembers him either. no one is trying hard with but Roger Moore had that more ‘70s action star L( Y DEN TO DA 19 IEW M AY CA ) ROGER MOORE R O S IEER RV CA VA GU IE (1973) LET D JUNE 2015 FH M 17 . M WA R MF NE V ER D Picks up where Roger Moore has left off to good effect.fhm. Was he the better bond? The debate hasn’t ended yet. Move on. ND Y( NG PA BOUVIER L HO LO F DA sfhmphilofficial TRE ( LUC By this time. R www.

because enterprising students are still willing to sell done work. when it was all still multiplication and division.” facebook. and calculators were not allowed. THE HIDDEN CALCULATOR For the youngest cheater. A hit paper! TAKING PICTURES OF OLD TEST PAPERS This is a story from FHM’s very own managing editor. I just planned A caveat: buying work already bought countless times before. An “Inom tayo. I got a camera— with film in it—gave it to two female classmates willing to do the sfhmphilofficial www. We developed the film and answered in advance. We kept ourselves to about five wrong answers to keep it real. Doesn’t guarantee high grades. but experience does say a failing mark could be salvaged by playing to your prof’s whims.starter skill CHEAT! F O R T H O S E WH O AR E SAD LY I LL-E QU I PPE D TO G ET TH R OU G H S CH O O L A N D YE T S U RV IV E WITH PR I D E . who took a pic of the The most devious kids carved the insides of books to hide the calculator from view. who is telling their company’s HR that this happened more than 23 years ago and can no longer be used against him: “I didn’t do it. K U N G NAN G OPYA KA AN D YOU’R E N OW COM PANY CE O OR T H E MAYOR OF YOU R TOWN. I figured out where the high school chemistry teacher hid the test paper after he did a random sampling in . Think we made this up? Ask this rag’s senior editors! QUIAPO-MADE TERM PAPER o l dl e sty WO RDS: C H I S E A L C A NTA R A P H OTO G R A P HY : M A R K J E S A LVA 18 FH M JUNE 2015 The original mill of instant knowledge still does a good job at stwitter. sir!” is usually the only thing you need to get buddy buddy with your profs. WE D OU B L E SALUTE YOU! BARKADA PROF The social dynamic of cheating. WE SALUTE YOU! N O D OU BT YO U ’ VE U S E D ON E OR ALL OF TH E KOPYA/ KOD I G O S CH E M E S LI STE D H E R E .

inside a calculator pocket. STAY CONNECTED Add little Ms. of course). under a desk. 2) something to carve the desk stwitter. www. that math formula will be used.fhm. because any swipe can change your life. sell their writing skills for kicks and extra Its key requirements are so simple it stands the test of time: A small strip of paper and a place to hide. Cute Fresh Grad Professor on Facebook. swipe right next time. EMERGENCY BATHROOM BREAK Lean back to avoid that computer screen glare and you’re all set to confidently read that copy-pasted Wikipedia answer your friend just researched for you. ma’ facebook. your final grade. Factor in the allotted time to wet your hands because attention to details count! TESTS TO FB GROUP A little bit of a bola and a tiny hint of landi go a long way with upperclassmen.” you have about three minutes till they get suspicious. The legacy of upperclassmen who carved ax2 + bx + c = 0 on your desk will live on. Get to know the right senpai’s to be well equipped for the whole school year. new ool h sc WOOD CARVINGS Yet another timeless ploy that needs only: 1) a desk—wood or plastic. But why stop at selling the term paper? Sell the skill! There are sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 19 .com/FHM.FOR GRADED R E C ITAT I O N REHEARSED Q&A FELLOW STUDENTMADE. Taped around a ballpen. With the utterance of “Hindi ko na kaya. s cl as FULL SCREEN NOTE PAD ics THE KODIGO Still the best and most effective (depends on the cheater’s skill. TERM PAPER Lacking some participation points for that graded report? Help each other out by providing the answer key beforehand. doesn’t matter and. and quite possibly. really-got-hissh*t-together classmates who. follow her on Twitter. bored after finishing all their requirements.

answered prayers! Father Ferrer via Facebook Sm art. when two blind pilots enter the main cabin. prayers ko lang po” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues. so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. but the men enter the cockpit. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water. X na nga eh! Dapat ang ituturo mo po sa amin. where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says. my Both pilots are 20 FH M JUNE 2015 wearing dark .assery in every shape an d c olor System error A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. kung paano mag-move on! Butchiki via Facebook Power of prayers Nahuli ng titser na may kodigo sa exam ang pupil. and the engines start up. “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by sfhmphilofficial DIRTIEST JOKE SHE K N OWS ILLUSTRATION: MIKKE GALLARDO BAR R O O M JOKES Boy: Chicharon ka ba? Girl: Bakit? Boy: Kasi ang ingay mo kapag kinakain kita. Bob. the door closes. they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die. At that moment. Ma’am: Ano etong nakatagong papel sa kamay mo? Boy: Ma’am.” Origatoto via email Scream to go up An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate. but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry. “Why did you stand up?” He answered. honey. “Well dear. law student www. The husband puts.” Juan: Aysus! Ma'am hindi na dapat hinahanap ang value ng X. One kid stood up. 21. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. The passengers relax. The passengers glance nervously around for some sign that it's a practical joke—nothing. Joni. Jewelry. One night they go into their bedroom.starter jokes BAR R IO JOKES Mathugot Teacher: Find the value of “X. “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him. The teacher was surprised. the plane lifts smoothly into the air.” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says. they kiss and hug. one of these days.” Ginebra via email Oops A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem. ba’t may mga sagot dito? Boy: Ma’am ang tawag d’yan. The plane moves faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. one is using a guide dog and the other tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. In the cockpit. “Mypenis. one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says.” Jao via Facebook facebook. “ stwitter. I see. Ma’am: Eh.fhm. “Oh. That’s how you get a baby." Origatoto via email A girl’s best friend A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.” The child seems to comprehend. "Ya know. panicked screams fill the cabin. “Error. Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. Not long enough. and have sex.



“Help” meaning I’m easing the girls by letting them know you’re not a creep. and by me boosting your A game. WHAT’S A “A wingwoman is a lady friend that helps you pick up other ladies.” E U G N O T E M O S aitland-Smith’s ss M e in iv D t r e p ex rench ki s F n o ti a la e h -r t i le a w s Your new fem senseles r e h k c o n hack—k e m a g t s fir .BUT FIRST. That’s the kind of wingwoman I am.

it may look like you’re ridiculous. chipped and broken.” 3 THE SLEEP-ZONE KISSER “The name says it all…Zzzzz! Boring! You want to be remembered. so to help you impr ne yo er ev r fo e under?” m sa e which type do you fit s— Frenchies are not th ve el rs ou ith w st ne be ho types of kissers. Be outgoing and friendly.” .” “Take charge of the situation and take the lead.. play away and go wild with it!” Favorite drink to have just before kissing: “Uh. right? You want the girls who’ve kissed you to say great things about your skills. If you haven’t played with ice yet. does it?” How to improve: “Swallow your damn saliva! Nobody wants too much of that in their mouth! Keep it steady and simple. When you start moving your hands lower to her waist.” How to improve: “You don’t need to go in teeth first then lips second. we weren’t only kissing at times. Of course. but at least you’re not leading with your teeth. Lead with your lips.” BODY “Under no circumstances should you cross your arms. When you’re moving your tongue around: think stroke. doing the Fr e “French kissing re with at the time. *Wink*” Favorite object in the mouth while kissing: “Other than my tongue ring. not stab. You must be confident. Your lips are there for a reason. Please don’t eat it. That won’t get you anywhere!” “She has to feel you’re giving her 110%—always face her and always have open body language.” NOT JUST ABOUT THE SMOOCH What our wingwoman suggests you do with your.” 2 THE FACE EATER “The problem with this kisser is that by the time you’re done.. No girl can resist that!” Longest time in liplock: “I would have to say probably a few hours..” How to improve: “Try and include a naughty nibble on the lip and tease her with your tongue by licking her bottom lips gently. and trust your own moves.” DIVINE STRESSES! “Give her a little pull on her hair while you’re kissing her and give her some gentle kisses on her cheeks and neck. You don’t want her to feel unwanted and uncomfortable. mouthwash? I don’t drink it of course.” “If you’re looking for a more sensitive style. yeah!” Favorite types of kissers: “My girlfriend. your girl’s teeth are cracked. Her face is not a slice of pizza. This allows her to trust you and get more comfortable with you after. Hold her close and feel her hair while you’re kissing. but I love knowing my mouth is clean and ready to go. Let’s 1 THE WET AND SLOPPY KISSER “You’re using way too much tongue and using it as a weapon—stabbing your partner’s gums and tonsils. and banging her cheeks from the inside like a drum! Doesn’t sound flattering at all. ice is fun to play with while kissing. I came up with different u’ yo or av fl l ia ec sp at someone.” DIVINE STRESSES! “Please do no eat the other person’s face. run your fingers through her hair and place your hand on the side of her face while kissing her. I lik ove. let her feel the pressure of your fingertips.” VIBE “Think positive about the situation.” DIVINE STRESSES! “Do NOT lick over the lip line unless you know she wants things to get a little messy and spicy. HANDS “Wrap your arms around her.LOUNGE WINGWOMAN I E together—with your special H C N E R F E H T O D and tongues dance enchie! But is just having your lips to call it. and her lips aren’t pepperoni.” Eyes closed or eyes opened: “Closed while kissing.. right? Don’t be this guy. or th .


He answered the stwitter. He guided my head down to his crotch and I sucked on him with toothpaste soaping him up. The date went well so I let him take me home. He said it might be his mom so I better get dressed. I was really enjoying the moment when he suddenly asked me to keep quiet for a second. He tried his best to block www. His mom knocked on the door. HAIR: JULIE EBIO MODEL APPEARS FOR ILLUSTRATION PURPOSE ONLY JUST FRESHENING UP My guy and I haven’t been having as much sex lately. He told me. PHOTOGRAPHY:AARON EBIO sfhmphilofficial shed our clothes and started kissing each . and the usual frisky stuff MODEL: AMANDA MCCOY. via email CLOSET CALL I was on a date with a guy I met online. “Ayan pwede ka nang mag-gargle. I realized that he ALWAYS HERE TO LISTEN.” And I did. He told me to hide in his closet but the doors of the closet got jammed so we couldn’t close LADIES CONFESSIONS Female encounters with toothpaste. we facebook. I saw his thing go up as the foam from the toothpaste dripped down my chin.LOUNGE . I stopped when I I could see the bubbles form on his pubic hair. We frantically searched the entire room for my clothes but we couldn’t find them. It felt so good that I started moaning really loudly. LADIES! Keep sending your escapades to fhmladiesconfessions @gmail. I was pissed at him at first but then we heard the front door of his house close. He acted like nothing horrible was happening but his mom went in anyway because she saw a plate of leftover food on his table. He tensed and came in my mouth.” I was almost done and was ready to gargle out the toothpaste when he stopped me from doing so. When we got to his room. early emissions. He pulled out his hard cock from his boxers. We had sex right after and I swear. I told him. I bent down and placed my hands on the bed so he could pound me from behind. “Grabe naman yang fetish mo. Shelly. I just sat inside the open closet. He said he was really tired and wanted to sleep so I just got ready for bed. my pussy felt a lot fresher. We were both usually tired after work and just went straight to bed. I was brushing my teeth when he came into the bathroom to get something. One night I was in the mood so I asked him if he wanted to do it. His cum mixed with the toothpaste and I felt really dirty. ‘I saw his thing go up as the foam from the toothpaste dripped down my chin’ 26 FH M JUNE 2015 was staring at me while I was brushing my teeth. He got dressed so that he could answer. naked.

After about 10 minutes of trying. I will never go to a guy’s house again unless I know for sure that he lives alone. His moans made me shiver. I saw sweat form on his forehead.” left him there. and how I didn’t care because it felt so good. When I got to the prayer camp. but I just smiled at him. The next thing I know I was unbuttoning his pants. I let out a sigh. I saw his thing bulge from his khaki stwitter. He let out a grunt and I saw a wet patch forming on his boxers. I started touching his soft dick. We can talk to the guidance counselor if you want. As I went faster and rougher. I unzipped him and started tugging on his penis through his boxers. MissOutstandingInConduct. and took his hand. I wasn’t really interested in anything except for this weird guy who was showing as much We talked about the incident that happened the day before. “Pagdasalan mo na lang yan. and sweeter to the same species’ taste buds. I asked him to take a shortcut through the park and sit on a bench near us. We both enjoyed the same sfhmphilofficial My parents enrolled me in a prayer camp last summer. He said sorry. and went back to the boring prayer stuff. his mom finally left the room. via email PRAYER CAMP his mom’s line of vision to the closet. I asked him what was wrong and he asked me to put it inside my mouth. We sat in silence for a while. my professor asked me to stay after class to talk. He started to talk: “I’m really sorry about what I did and how it confused you. About how horny I got when my hand “accidentally” landed on his penis. I told him how I fingered myself afterwards—I lied that yesterday was the first time I ever masturbated. Ha ha! Isa.Q. IN LADY PARTS I. We got out of the auditorium while the nuns weren’t wag na. He wanted to cover it with his bag but I MEANWHILE. I finished my student council duties and then met with him. There were only a few people left in school so he asked if someone was going to fetch me. I did and started sucking on his flaccid penis. and he suddenly put his arm around me.fhm. He moaned really softly. all of them were singing and dancing praise songs while I awkwardly clapped. We talked for a while underneath a tree. The cloth was the only thing separating us. facebook. Nothing worked. He laughed. Lactic tolerance Human breast milk is thinner in consistency. They kept talking. I talked to him and he seemed kinda cool. They said I needed the lord’s guidance since my grades dipped last” I moved closer. I was feeling really bored and rebellious so I asked him to sneak out with me. I thought. I told him I needed to go home and left him on the bench.” He kept quiet during our walk. I said I was walking home. I told him how guilty and naughty I felt. After a while I noticed he wasn’t getting hard. www. I gave up and told him to suck it himself. I never had the motivation to study so I guess it showed. I said. Dear Sister. He started grabbing my boobs while I was tugging on him. and he said he would walk me. Baka mapagalitan pa kayo. pinagpapawisan na siya. I could feel the shape of his shaft take form through the fabric. After what seemed like ages. “Ang cute naman. than cow’s or formula milk.” I replied. I started rubbing his crotch through his pants with my hand.LOUNGE CONFESSIONS threw it on the ground and that’s when I saw his erection through his pants. “Sir. I wasn’t cleaning up that mess. He looked at me with remorse. I tugged one more time and saw some white seep through. via FB JUNE 2015 FH M 27 . We were both shaking and full of relief. He said sorry and asked if he could have one more try. He saw me on the floor all red with embarrassment. I was curious what he was going to say after I gave him an untimely erection the other day. I was praying really hard and was almost crying at that point. via email NOT CLEANING UP A MESS Sometime ago.

so your level 50 Black Mage may have finally run out of things to set on fire. if you still haven’t considered joining an MMO and throwing your life sfhmphilofficial www.fhm. Meanwhile. but it’s also been two years since the launch of Final Fantasy XIV.ACCESS JUNE 2015 YO U R M O N T H LY VI P PASS 01 REACH FOR THE SKIES FINAL FANTASY XIV BECOMES FLYING FANTASY WITH HEAVENSWARD MMOs are chock full of things to do. the game’s first expansion pack is here to make sure you remain well entertained until 2016– or whenever it is Square decides to release FFXV. facebook. They didn’t call it Heavensward for nothing because this expansion gives players flying mounts for the first time–from cute black chocobos to armored dragons and personal size airships. It would be boring to use all this airborne stuff to go from point A to B on the ground as usual– hence the new areas included in the game that you find floating high in the air! Heavensward. why not try this now that Ragnarok Online’s servers have finally shut down and WORDS: ASH MAHINAY GAM E S . player guilds can also build full size airships as a group 28 FH M JUNE 2015 effort and parade around in the sky. stwitter.

which also TRICERATOPS happens to be when Jurassic Park came out).com/ stwitter. The movie is a much-awaited homage sequel to the first one.02 F I LM ANIMAL HOUSE OUT JUNE 10 YOUR FIELD GUIDE TO THE TOOTHY THINGS IN JURASSIC WORLD DIMORPHODON PTERANODON Scientists never learn! Despite all the disaster and mangling of humans in the previous films (22 years ago in movie sfhmphilofficial WORDS: ASH MAHINAY. GALLIMUS INDOMINUS REX EEN N E V E R SE ! BEFOR MOSASAURUS www. a behavioral researcher. the trailer had us at trained velociraptors. It’s up to the raptor whisperer to catch the big bad with help from lovely park operations manager Claire (Bryce Dallas SUCHIMIMUS Howard).fhm. is busy living the dream training velociraptors EDMONTOSAURUS like facebook. when the local genetically modified hybrid dinosaur breaks loose and starts eating tourists. the suits at Masrani Global Corporation have turned Isla Nubar VELOCIRAPTOR into a Disneyworld for dinosaurs. but ILLUS TRATIONS: LOUIS ARENAS T-REX JUNE 2015 FH M 29 . Owen Grady (Chris Pratt).

ph stwitter.77 Art has been curious of the sounds coming from the morgue late at night. Oliver liked Japanese women who dressed up like robots… But it was Paul who got caught and his desire was the most normal. women. Played by Taylor Schilling She’s not so happy about the budding romance between her ex-fiancé Larry (Jason Biggs) and ex-best friend Polly (Maria Dizzia). When peer pressure and curiosity overwhelms shaky morals.57 We can’t judge a hormonal teen like Paul for feeling weird whenever he sees the flowering “fruits” of his classmates. children…’ Art had indeed done those things. more eye candy joins the cast to make everything extra interesting.’ They all nodded grimly. Will Abdullah buckle under all the pressure? www. p. Men. and if she and Piper will rekindle their infamous love affair. WORDS: PONG CAS TILLO 30 FH M JUNE 2015 STELLA CARLIN Played by Ruby Rose As if the lustfilled affair between Piper and Alex is not enough reason to get us hooked in this series.” – Melons.” – No One Else But Us.” – One of Them. Orange is the New Black’s second season finished off with a prison lockdown. that’s what. He spit on the creature’s face. Her self-serving plan of action: have Alex Vause back in prison. we hit them on the head. Besides. in the greenhouse – put her anywhere and she’ll prove every bit a lady boss. FORBIDDEN DESIRES! ‘“We know you liked touching them. Abdullah with his men venture out to find supplies for their village. We hear she’ll play love interest to both P and A. he figures he's got nothing left to lose. Muffled moans from behind steel doors. Jojo liked leather and bondage. drew out a jungle knife and plunged it into the creature’s head… ‘We ever encounter any of these things. We’re not sure where to put our finger on what’s going to happen sfhmphilofficial LIFE OR DEATH! “Mahmoud remained cool. WORDS: CHISE ALCANTARA 03 . ALEX VAUSE Played by Laura Prepon We’ll see more of her this season as she returns an inmate to Litchfield. BO OK S Ou J U N t on E 10 facebook. Sammy liked crush videos. but things are looking pretty exciting with these ladies… RED Played by Kate Mulgrew Wait for her to recover from that serious beating that Vee (Lorraine Toussaint) gave her.111 Fate tests the resolve of a father wanting to protect his family against corpses coming back to life.fhm.ACCESS PIPER CHAPMAN TE LEVI S ION BAD. so just imagine what she might be up to now that she’s inconsolable with Vee’s escape (and possible demise). a fatally ill prisoner escaping.’ Mario said. But when the school finds out about his perversion. He liked the coolness of their skins. don’t we all love seeing them in action together? 04 SUZANNE WARREN aka CRAZY EYES Played by Uzo Aduba She pisses on people’s floors when she’s upset. We’re tuned in! STORIES THAT MAKE US SCARED OF OURSELVES IN HIS COLLECTION OF SHORT In the kitchen. p. and this redhead is sure to serve a good case of revenge. ‘We saw you touching their thighs. OUR DARKEST HOURS. and the notorious inmate Vee (hopefully) dead after being run down by a van. BAD GIRLS THE BABES TO WATCH FOR IN THE THIRD SEASON OF ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK What’s so nice about TV seasonenders? The unwritten promise that the next season will be extra entertaining. and creeping smiles from his co-workers as the body of a 15-year-old girl gets wheeled in. Things can only get crazier from there. JOSE MIGUEL ARGUELLES COMBINES A UNIQUE BRAND OF DARK COMEDY TO CHALLENGE OUR SENSIBILITIES AND MAKE US REALIZE WHAT WE ARE TRULY CAPABLE OF IN OUR DARKEST HOURS TRUE COLORS “He felt it unfair…They all had their swallowing your guilt feels a lot smoother.



” it’s easy to do a quick once-over and deduce the woman has oodles of sex appeal.PHOTOGRAPHY: EJAY LEUNG OF MIDNIGHT BONK ERS INTERVIEW: KHYNE PALUMAR S T Y LING: JE AR DE MC CU T TAC M A K EUP: I YA Y UJUICO HAIR: CRISTINE LOPEZ Let’s ignore briefly that the woman you’re looking at was the same reason the re-did version of “Cold. Although I was really hesitant at first. Let’s also overlook the fact that Arnee now has kids and two last names (which she thankfully doesn’t openly use. Summer Nights” six years back made you tingly— or that her patently sexy-raspy-hushed way of singing songs made you feel unquestionably humid. but it was my brother Jeffrey who really convinced me. I’m glad I took the chance. But even if you didn’t catch her in this season of The Voice being referred to as a “sexy momma. You don’t need to be told this. so we’ve arranged for these photos to happen to make sure everyone gets the full picture… Did it take a lot of prodding from friends or producers to get you to do the blind auditions for The Voice? Friends have been telling me since Season 1 to join The Voice of the Philippines. . so as not to rub it in your face). I’m blessed to have people who believe so much in my talent.

and I sing with it. I think it’s the beat that makes the song sexy. but it was worth it. I multitask! Ha ha! How is married life treating you. Was that tricky or just a lot of fun for you? It was both tricky and fun. but I have new materials I’m working on. You did a lot of dancing for the music video. And I loved the stage. I love doing photo stwitter. I THINK IT’S THE BEAT THAT MAKES THE SONG SEXY. but joining a competition is a whole different ball game. Are you back in the loop with albums planned. but after seeing how the shots were tastefully sexy.ACCESS But that wasn’t your first time onstage. Showing a little more skin is something I dauntlessly gave into this time. definitely. as much as I enjoy intimate crowds. so I just enjoyed every second of my entire journey in the show. Is FHM outside of your comfort zone? It . or are you just winging it? I’m back to share my music again. it was super fun that I didn’t mind dancing all day in my stilettos. but it’s always a boost to women when they get the appreciation they deserve. and a new sound. pleasing their wives? To quote Meghan Trainor in “Dear Future Husband”: “Tell me I’m beautiful each and every night. It’s the perfect jumpstart to a new recording career. It’s wonderful to wake up every day knowing you have a partner right beside you to celebrate success and share problems with.fhm. I’m not a born dancer. but once I got the hang of it. 34 FH M JUNE 2015 Coach Bamboo said you have a really sexy voice. The team was amazing and I know we came up with some kickass yet definitely classy material. Have you gotten used to people saying how sexy your voice is. My new single “BYS (Be Yourself)” is the kind of music I envision for myself.” Don’t take it literally. or just how sexy you are? When people give me those I still feel the nerves and excitement. It was a crazy rollercoaster ride that even with experience. I felt more comfortable. The first layout is always the I love singing in a big stage with a live band and a huge crowd. with just me and a piano or a guitar. you have a new single sfhmphilofficial the shower? Basically the same thing I sing on stage! I usually play new songs I’m learning or memorizing in the shower on repeat mode. What advice can you give husbands when it comes to. And like I said. I feel thankful and still get flattered no matter how many times I hear the same thing. We don’t have a schedule in terms of how many albums. It just exudes when the emotion comes from the inside. and as the photo shoot progressed. if you know what I mean… FH M www. by the way? It’s a precious gift. which aims to empower and inspire women to feel good about themselves and have the courage to be whoever they want to be. With songs and performing. Does it have to do with how you look more than how you sing a song? I think it’s about how you carry yourself onstage with confidence. AND IT’S HOW THE PERFORMER FEELS THE MUSIC ON STAGE THAT MAKES IT EVEN SEXIER’ feature is still something in line with my career as an artist. I’m just trying to own it. Do you still get nervous? It’s true I’ve been singing for a while now. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone. They even gave me the moniker “sexy momma” in The Voice of the Philippines—which I’m trying to own right now. WITH SONGS AND PERFORMING. and it’s how the performer feels the music on stage that makes it even sexier. It helps make us even better wives. ha ha! What else do you enjoy about performing? I enjoy a lot of things—from recording new songs to making music videos and doing live performances. I believe this ‘I THINK IT’S ABOUT HOW YOU CARRY YOURSELF ONSTAGE WITH CONFIDENCE. But what songs do you sing in facebook. We all know what type of music you sing onstage. Speaking of careers. And most especially. well.

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000 Instagram posts with the #dubsmashph. Those three seconds ET ME E TH D BAN of high you get while playing is incomparable. Singularity. Marie: Even when I was just sessioning with them before. and then it explodes into different permutations. Dax B: Before I joined. We try to elicit a certain feeling from the audience. It’s tiring but worth it. Smart phone and tablet users can install it for free with 22MB phone memory requirement. which made it difficult for to stwitter. The moment we become too comfortable with an arrangement… Dax G: …boring na eh. is the presence of everything. bagong banda ba yan?” So what motivates you to play even if you’re unsure of where you’re headed? Dax B: Being in a band isn’t as glamorous as people might think. Fringe.1 million Facebook Page ca Vo s electronic loop Kahit kalagitnaan na siya pumasok sa album namin. 1. 22MB facebook. It’s a whole lot of waiting for other bands to finish and waiting for your turn on stage.1 and 2 million 1. 1 7 It’s just 7 months into the market. So in a way. PHOTOGRAPH Y: HEIDI AQUENDE Dax Gonzaga: Adrian: When Marie came in. Right before gigs. That’s why no two songs in our album sound the same. there are over 17. How does this feeling of uncertainty affect your band’s sound? Adrian: We encourage being out of our comfort zones. the songs mesh into one electronic organic mess.ACCESS M US IC CAUGHT IN A STATE OF BECOMING aff Solenn Heuss ff @solennheussa STEREODEAL: ON DEALING WITH THE BAND’S UNSURETY SINGULARITY Stereodeal Stereodeal probably isn't like your typical radio-friendly fix but what they do promise is an “experience. The thing that pulls the album together is how the songs resonate with one another. yet already has over 10 million mobile users downloaded on Google Playstore and iTunes App Store. 36 FH M JUNE 2015 Dax Balmeo: Synthesizers. we’re aiming for a more sophisticated one. It’s a heady sound that makes you think.” Even the band members have trouble describing their music because their styles change in almost every song.fhm. and we don’t know what’s going to happen next. Sam Pinto @sampinto 17. Sabi nga ng kaibigan kong nakinig sa album. I was already listening to them as a fan. More on tension. an: Marie de Guzm ll wa e th Drums. Like sonic booms of sound that answer one another through reverberations and electronic loops. I don’t know why I go to our gigs sometimes but I still do. INTERVIEW: CHISE ALCANTARA . “Uy. hindi mo mahahalata na iba yung drummer sa ibang kanta. It’s like I feel how Marie (De Guzman) feels while playing—whether she’s tired or enthusiastic while playing and we play differently. : Adrian Arcega r. The drums and bass (should) connect. How does this show up in your work? Adrian: Our album cover was inspired by the CERN (the European Organization for Nuclear Research) logo. I think the best way to describe us is through our dynamics. It always leads me out of my comfort zone. and the comicons we should go to. so may ganung effect din sa mga kanta namin. What’s your favorite part about band life? Dax B: Geeky-ness is our approach. ita gu ls. How does the band handle the constant flux in the lineup? Dax G: That’s why it’s been difficult for me to WORDS: PONG CAS TILLO 06 . guitar Ashley Rivera @itsashley 07 WEB DUBSMASH IN NUMBERS THE MANY WAYS THIS DUBBING APP IS TOPPING THE CHARTS The only app developed by the small team of German developers Mobile Motion GmbH. everybody’s sfhmphilofficial www. Ganun lang siya kagaling. Adrian: We’re into Doctor Who. and over 2 million Instagram posts worldwide with the #dubsmash. Dax G: Everybody in the scene is still trying to feel their path around this modern way of consuming music. The band has had its fair share of drummers. It’s like the Big Bang.. The concept of our album. na-feel ko na yung complexity of the music. we usually talk about our favorite series.000 In the Philippines alone. Stereodeal? Adrian: In terms of sound. I guess you could always catch the band in a state of unsure-ness. vocals What makes Stereodeal. texture and rest. na-temper kami in a lot of ways.



Votes cast through these means will not be honored in the ofŏcial tally. CO-PRESENTED BY: OFFICIAL BALLOT YOUR DETAILS Name: 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 IN COOPERATION WITH: MEDIA PARTNERS OFFICIAL APPAREL SPONSOR OFFICIAL FFICIAL DRINK SPONSOR Birthday: Gender: Address: Contact No. FHM Philippines reserves the right to block/ prohibit/exclude votes entered through unscrupulous means such as electronic manipulation. Votes will be tallied by FHM and results will be announced in a special 100 Sexiest Women in The World 2015 supplement bundled together with FHM’s July 2015 Only original ballots will be where you can vote for ten (10) women per day The FHM Philippines’ Sexiest winner is the woman who garners the most votes in the nationwide poll. Robinsons Pioneer Com plex. Summit Media Office. Pioneer St. 2015.. Register and log on to www. Voting period is from April 1 to June 5. Mandaluyong City 1550. 7/F Robinsons Cybergate Tower 3.IT’S EASY TO VOTE! REGISTER ONLINE FILL OUT OR Fill out ballots and mail them to FHM 100 Sexiest Women 2015 Poll.: Email: Signature: .


o z a w a w a s h e r e .


. Maria Ozawa..Seeing your wildest fantasy come to flesh is like drowning in the throes of ecstasy. we’re still tingling all over. .

Mia Ozawa .


Mia Ozawa .


and just outside the door. she was adventurous in her roles. And everywhere else: just men. To put things lightly. She was on the radio show Boys Night Out as its guest of honor for that night’s episode. transported via presumably huge Internet cables running from Japan to the Philippines. By the number of FHM staffers that attended the shoot. From knowing her as this screen figure—mere bits of data captured with a video stwitter. was here.fhm. since the shoot lasted all but two news had broken out that Maria Ozawa. and tune in. The woman of the moment. and a cover girl who wasn’t afraid to talk as nakedly as she sfhmphilofficial bed fitted with pure. a real person whose skin we can actually brush up against. we got even luckier. and Canadian blood was even more enchanting up close.Mia Ozawa t was a Monday night like any other—unspectacular. a fact encapsulated by the rise of the phrase “Akala mo Maria in some ways. and became one of its top stars on the way to making over 150 AV films until her retirement in 2011. We could make a case that we were the luckiest guys in the entire country at that point in time—brief as it was. In their place was a photographer sniping away at this surreal creature whose beautiful mix of Japanese. it’s easy to believe that this was the #CoverShootoftheCentury—the cavernous hotel suite filled by dozens of men. devoid of importance—until it wasn’t. Inside the hotel room. here on a business trip. that’s how Japan calls its porn stars). who might not have an idea about who this Ozawa woman was. everyone concerned immediately sent off signals to the rest of their kin (men. It was a microcosm. including the girlfriends of the said men. On that evening of April 27. a luminescent. a small sampling of how far Filipino men might be willing to cram themselves in a venue to breathe the same air as the former queen of AV. mostly) to attend to the said disturbance—that is to drop whatever it was they were doing. perhaps a little context would help: The AV actress debuted in the Japanese porn industry in 2005. The men would understand. much like she had done so in the May 2009 issue of FHM Taiwan. And like a hive mind operating in complete unison. rectangular pool. Sharing the room with Maria Ozawa was not unlike seeing a myth come to life. not at all dissimilar to the scenes we usually see in her films: In one room was a luxurious facebook. French. one who’s always been a reliable companion for lonelier . all giddy in the presence of one woman. AV idol extraordinaire (for the uninitiated. a fact that can be traced to her upbringing at the Hokkaido International School— and the fact that she didn’t have any qualms speaking in true and honest terms—made her even more endearing. here was a beautiful Japanese girl that we can actually talk to. For those that didn’t. Her ability to speak fluent English. the situation was. www. We swear we’ve seen this somewhere before. except there were no film crews. white sheets. and displayed on a computer screen—the shoot made her real. had decided that she’d like to appear on the cover of FHM Philippines. Finally. yun 48 FH M JUNE 2015 pala Maria Ozawa”—essentially the millennial.” The night after the said #RadioGuestingOfTheCentury. broadband-era version of “Nasa loob ang kulo.

people seem to have this naturally warm. exploding. but curiosity was. a Tuesday. The more I did it. though. like when they pass each other by at the grocery or some other public place. like. JUNE 2015 FH M 49 . What went through your head when you got your first contract—a contract that essentially meant that you were going to have sex with all these men for a living? At first. It’s funny because when I look back at sfhmphilofficial friends were supportive. but the other half. for the lack of a better term. It’s my first time in Manila. and into something resembling…whatever situations we’ve seen her in. I have to do this. That was at least. half of my facebook. as well. but never truly.” I was really strong—I had to be. the fantasy. You’re bad. Because the last time I came here was eight years ago. It truly surprises me every day. they stwitter. of course. too—and my boyfriend as well. These pages ahead certainly don’t lie. this is what I want to do. That was in Cebu. people don’t really seem to smile at one another. And then after that. You know. too. She came. Some of them knew me. I think the people here are very warmhearted. many actresses in the scene. Like any first job. “Is she here? Is the Maria Ozawa really here?” we asked then. I started to slowly realize that there were a lot of fans that were looking forward to my work.fhm. “No. I’m doing it. But I guess what propelled me was the fans. that thought lit something up in us. It was also out of curiosity. out of the many. Were there people around you telling you not to go through with it? Yes. I was really scared. She has moved on to doing other things now. It’s a nice feeling. psychologically we all probably did that night too. I’m actually surprised that they still remember me. by You auditioned to be an AV idol at the age of 18. my parents were against it. but it didn’t feel this big. But her arrival had changed all that. 1 in the industry.” Did you ever imagine that “doing it” meant that you’d become this big? No. I want to do this. That’s bad. I’d be able to build up a following such as this. “No. my friends were doing it. A very electric one. I wanted to continue doing it because I wanted to be the No. no. Getting famous was a part of it too. “Okay. That made me happy. as if her relative proximity opened up the possibility of completely closing the distance between us. So. far less unspectacular seems to have carried over from her days as an AV queen. The love for a figure such as her had always been done in hushed tones—just bubbling under the surface. Were you aware that a good portion of your fans comes from the Philippines? I didn’t know at all. and that kind of made me want to do it. the biggest reason.Somehow. As I’ve said. chief of which is a burlesque theater show she’s putting up in July in the Philippines—yet her ability of turning a Monday night. and mentally. So when I started seeing the fans. welcoming vibe to them. I just went. I was really nervous. That we had been completely sold to that fantasy says something about what she has accomplished through her body of work. or any night for that matter. What did you tell them? I just told What motivated you then? Well.” You know? Naturally. no! Not at all! I have no real idea why. I didn’t have a real idea of how to do it. if you go to Japan. Here. the fame was a big draw.

Mia Ozawa .


fhm.Mia Ozawa 52 FH M JUNE 2015 sfhmphilofficial www.

in China. I remember telling myself. The fans’ response to my videos was part of the job satisfaction I felt. I can’t help but feel a little bit nervous. that’s what I wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep. But as I made more films. It’s what’s kept me going. The job has been—I haven’t been doing radio tours and magazine shoots for such a long time that it feels like I’m trying out new opportunities. but there’s no way I could make that in Japan. since that has been so long. and the people have been so kind and loving. so that’s good for me. Now.” And that’s true. I think dipping my toes and expressing myself in all these other mediums have been key to keeping things fresh. in my first two years. I was so nervous. JUNE 2015 FH M 53 . Taiwan. and then that was my breakfast on my second remember from your AV debut as they call it in Japan? Yes. It’s been super good. I’ve actually asked for the recipe. Overseas. but I know I wouldn’t have been able to stay 10 years in this job if the people that I got to work with—some of whom have felt like family to me over the years— were very pleasant to work with. I think it’s really just about being open to new experiences and new things. but every day has been so great.What are some of your impressions on your visit now? Great. I remember being really. It feels familiar. Can you keep track of the number facebook. It made me want to stay in the industry. The first time when I arrived here. I think. you’ve graduated from AV. The food is great. Right now. and doing magazine shoots. Maybe 150 to 200. What’s been your favorite so far? I love adobo. why do you think you’ve been able to transition to doing other forms of performances? You know what. Here in the Philippines. This is my third day. I’ve tried out acting in movies and television. I have my own bar in Japan—a business that keeps me occupied. I wouldn’t be able to get the ingredients for it in Japan. But that feeling went away when I entered the studio—and saw that the people involved in the production were friendly and very professional. Adobo is the best. I remember not being able to sleep. and other countries. and it’s very exciting. what kept me going was the love I felt from the people who watched my works. I actually did the cover for FHM Taiwan. really nervous. the radio interview with the Boys Night Out guys was quite the experience. In 2009. I’ve gotten into dance performances in Japan. You said you’ve been enjoying the food. The rest is really history. but at the same time. but not past 200. You know. it was really out of curiosity and I wanted to get famous. too. I’ve been eating it for two days in a row now. too. “Okay this is what I want to do.fhm. It’s a great feeling. Do you remember making your first video? What details do you www. too. I’m sfhmphilofficial of movies you’ve made in your career? Ha ha! Over a hundred for stwitter. but the night before the shoot. As opposed to some adult video actresses that fade away. so I just kept trying to give more.

it just comes naturally as you start filming. no. how do you ease yourself into having sex with a co-actor that you’re not exactly acquainted with yet? Oh.000 or 8. I was really very curious to begin with. My advice would be to do it . no. When you look at my acting. “No. How was the experience? It was so much fun. and not just the “main scenes” involving sex. like. Acting in adult videos is really not something that you can do successfully merely to make a living. As I continue to do a scene with another actor. I asked one of those accounts to stop pretending to be me.Mia Ozawa Yes. so that becomes sort of like a mini-vacation as well. When you perform in a movie. How do you think were you able to sustain getting genuine pleasure out of the sex when it’s something that you do for a living? Oh. like. There has to be some real passion. You said in your Boys Night Out interview that all your sex scenes are 100-percent genuine and that none of it is faked. it went over a million. there are just so many. So. and it was how this country’s men were able to find out that you were here. where they just sort of highlight the women. I was so surprised! There are so many fake accounts online. and do those little interview scenes. Passion is everything. Acting in adult videos? You can’t do it forever. But you know what my favorite kind of scene is? I like the scenes that require us to go to foreign countries. that interview. one time. That’s my favorite type of scene. no. and that’s why I was able to sustain it. The one that surprised me was. I have an Instagram account. and it becomes easier. We used to go to Guam and its beaches to shoot some of our movies. you’re the fake one!” Ha ha! I was shocked. 7. The getting-to-know process just happens as the scenes go along. And that person was like. and the more comfortable I become in doing scenes with them.000 followers. and I think the industry kept me curious through the years. There are those solo “gravure” beauty scenes. But then after that interview. the three guys. They were so funny. It was probably the most important moment in Philippine radio history. so I’ve stopped messaging these profiles. my face gets. okay. There are several scenes where we just talk. the more I get to know them. What would you say are your favorite types of scenes in your AV movies? Oh. softer as the film goes along. In my case. and I have.

but it was like hard for me to find a decent person. well not trouble. That’s romantic. too. very young. I like the strong type of personality. a “show time. like. One trademark we’ve noticed in AV movies is the loud high-pitch noise. Polite-looking on the outside. They all look so very. candles. . They even have bars specifically for those shows where guys drink and girls watch the show on the stage with the ropes. That’s really big in Japan. Watching that kind of art is good. (Ed’s Note: “nanka” is a Japanese term for emphasizing a statement. But now. I’d like a guy I can go to the gym with. jogging.. play sports—those are things I’d love to do with a guy. Sometimes. It’s an expression of sexuality and love. And then they’ll have. I like the sporty guy. if he’s taller than me. Lots and lots of love...” as in sado-masochism? “SM” as in ropes. “SM. but do more of this highpitched. they just like it.” an “SM show. the more pleasure a girl is feeling. 5’5” I have no problem with that. So. The louder a girl is. when I get really stressed out. you know.. I was so busy I didn’t want to do it outside of the film. Going hiking. In your days as an AV idol performer. or the better the orgasm. schoolgirl-like squeal. there are lots of fetish bars. when I was working. and stuff like that. When I went out clubbing or go to the bars.but more like the wild kind of gentleman. I would go there with my friends—and just for drinking. you kind of get used to it. Not too much.” “SM” in Japan is really a big thing. And he has to be a little bit buff. Ha ha! That’s like the big thing in Japan! It’s really a Japanese thing. there was a feeling that the men just wanted to take advantage of me. what turns you on? Do you have specific fetishes that you truly enjoy? Well. they all love it.for a few years or for as long as you can—how do you say it?—keep the fire burning. But then. like sobra. We’ve seen all manners of fantasies and fetishes in your body of work. nanka. but outside of the studio.) Likewise. And I think it’s because we have girls that look so young. maybe 5’4”. I had trouble. Physically. I go to those kinds of bars. in Japan. There are so many girls that would like to be in one of those. everything’s fine. And the fans. It’s fetishism. Not Schwarzenegger-buff. but wild on the inside. If you’ll ever settle down. That kind of stuff. how were you able to maintain sexual relationships outside of the movies? At first. All the girls. So that’s why they try to make them not scream. what kind of man would you go for? A gentleman. It’s an art too. And I didn’t like it.

Mia Ozawa
What’s the sweetest thing a guy has
done for you? How does a guy woo you?
A romantic dinner, of course. But more
like a normal date, even, at a park. I don’t
know; I have enough of those romantic
dinner parties, and like, traveling. So I’m
leaning more toward a date that’s really
simple but, like, loving.
You mentioned traveling. Do you have a
dream destination in mind?
You know, I’ve never been to Europe. So, I
want to go there and visit their churches.
I even went to Macau to see the churches.
That sounds kind of ironic...
We mean, there’s sort of a disconnect
between your former line of work and
your interest in churches.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that’s why I
like it...because it’s so separate from me.
Is it true that there’s a shortage of male
porn stars in Japan?
Yes, there is. Actually, the male porn
stars are getting more famous than the
girls because the older women in Japan
are aiming toward the younger guys.
So, they started this new industry that
features these cute, young guys—and
all these women, that are kind of older,
will buy their works and will become
their fans. As for the girls, there are all
these new girls coming in every day,
every week, every month. I think the
recruitment process has become really
simple. In the past 10 years, it’s become
so simple that it’s like anybody could
come in. But the weird thing is, of the
thousands of girls coming into the
industry every month, many of them
never last. It’s difficult to stay focused on
one thing for over five years—that’s why
they need to keep on bringing in new
talents to this industry.
Do you think the Japanese porn
industry would mind taking in Filipino
guys to compensate for the male porn
star shortage in Japan?
Oh! Ha ha! Yeah, of course. There are
Afro-Americans doing porn in Japan. So,
I think Filipino guys can get in, if they
wanted to. My advice would be, you’d
have to be super kind to the girls, because
they’re all about themselves—me too,
when I was in the industry, I was so, so
selfish. You’ll have to shower them with
What would your message be to all
the Filipino fans, whose lonely nights
you’ve made so much more, erm,
You know what, we were just talking
about that. What was it again? Wait, I’m
trying to remember those words...
“Mahal kita?”
Mahal ko kana!
Okay, one more time!
Okay, okay. To all my Filipino fans,
mahal ko kayo! FHM

Mia Ozawa


Mia Ozawa .

Iů  .

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m. to ensure you’re out before 4p. the “We just want to visit Disneyland” reason seems to fly. getting trashed at a party. Female co-worker’s hairclip Using an old chuk-chak (ask your girl co-worker what it is. Your phone keeps on butt-dialing because it just doesn’t fit well into your pants’ pocket Old cassette tape case If you haven’t chucked out your old Eheads and Rivermaya cassette long as you can prove you can afford it. deposit checks. WHEN BANKING P R O-TI P: DO I T ONLIN E Everyone constantly bitches about having to line up at banks to pay their bills. P R O-TI P: APPLY AS A F A MILY Although there’s no guarantee that dragging grandma and your two younger sibs during your application interview will get you an approval. these are the best days to apply for a license because of the low volume of traffic. Want to finish early? Get in line by 7a. WHEN APPLYING FOR A DRIVER’S LICENSE P R O-TI P: WEDNE SDAYS A N D THURSDAYS FTW! According to our source MC*. it won’t hurt to delete any pics of you smoking from a bong. Can’t. Thank you. Hide those anti-Uncle Sam hate rants as well and consider making all your accounts private. Deal. she’ll know)... Twitter. and Instagram profiles prior to your interview. You keep on losing shirt buttons during your commute to work that you look like you were mugged prior to client meetings The missus’s nail polish A tiny swash of your girlfriend’s clear nail polish on top of your polo’s buttons will act as a glue that prevents half-assed stitching from revealing your budget for wardrobe essentials. Too many wires! Just. organize stray cords and wires to avoid unnecessary tangling that can hinder productivity.S.m. or engaging in anything considered remotely illegal. P R O-TI P: CLEAN U P Y O UR SOCI AL ME DIA A C COUNTS Although you aren’t really sure if the US Embassy stalks your Facebook. Mother Nature would be so proud. VISA Your computer keyboard is collecting muck from your libag and pasmado hands Post-it notes Use the sticky end of a post-it note to clean out dirt stuck in between all the hard to reach nooks and crannies of your keyboard. modern technology! . turn their cases into a recycled cellphone stand that easily decorates your workplace and alleviates the problem of having your phone bunched up in your pants. and make transactions when a lot of banking activity can now be done over the Internet. P R O-TI P: OPT FOR S A TELLITE BRANCHES F O R RENEW ALS Check malls like Robinsons Galleria and SM Megamall for renewal centers to avoid the hassle of battling long lines at regular offices.Some 9 to 5 problems–solved Or what most of us call applying for necessary documents THE DILEMMA ITEM TO USE THE SOLUTION WHEN APPLYING FOR A U.

T h e p roblem: All that icky oil in the peanut butter you just purchased keeps pooling at the top of the jar H a c k it: Leave your jar of peanut butter flipped upside down overnight. they’re neither big enough to clean your body nor small enough to jbe thrown away Hack it : If you have two bars of soap that are in this state of uselessness. Shake.. T h e p ro b lem : An army of ants is quickly claiming your home as their own H ac k it : Identify where they’re coming from and sprinkle the area with a mixture of cinammon and black pepper. making your peanutbutter-spreading experience mantika-free! Th e prob lem : When soaps are wilted down to an awkward size after daily use.well. maybe just a little bit. P ESS T I N P E A C E Debugging your household need not be expensive T h e p ro b lem : Cockroaches. are invading your kitchen H ac k it : Leave some bay leaves in the areas they frequent to ward them off. add a little water into the bottle. Put the ingredients in a small bowl and stir until there are no more lumps. stick them together to create an instantly bigger/functional suds-maker. Dip an old toothbrush in and scrub away the grime in no time.. If that doesn’t work. some even of the flying kind. .Show the ladylove that you can be handy around the house and she’s bound to return the handiness as a favor T h e problem : The once-shiny stainless steel sink is full of ugly stains H a c k it: A mixture of baking soda and vinegar can address the muck that’s dirtying your kitchen sink. spraying the little creepers with soapy water will render them lifeless T h e p ro b lem : Flies buzzing about are annoying you while you eat H ac k it : Wrapping crushed mint in paper towels and hanging them around problem areas will help give you some peace of mind. T h e p roblem : You go through bottles upon bottles of ketchup and it’s burning a hole in your pockets H a c k it: When about two-thirds of that bottle of red goodness has been consumed. T h e p ro b l e m : You’re getting itchy from fleas living on all surfaces of your furniture H ac k i t : Scatter baking soda on your carpets and couches. The oil will collect itself on the bottom end. and you’ve extended the lifespan of your condiment without sacrificing the quality of its taste.

S T E P 2 : Choose a song or playlist and press play before dropping the player speakers-down into the glass. “FU!” at small obstacles BOT T LE CAP BUST ER T HE SELF-MADE SELFIE S T IC K F o r: When a friend needs to wash down the harsh realities of life with a cold beer but there’s no bottle opener in sight Y o u r s o lu t io n : Lighter it up! No bottle opener. No one will know the difference. safe. Grab his unopened drink and hold it around the neck. *Someone hogging two lanes? Turn up your high beam and drive fast in his direction. hold the self-made selfie stick far enough to capture the whole group. S T E P 5 : Push the lighter down so its bottom makes the cap bend open. roll what can fit and hide it inside your socks. S T E P 2 : Place your smartphone at the base of the dustpan with the front end of the phone leaning on the flat surface.LIFE HACKS Some driver/commuter tips to make your daily trek through the urban jungle swift. *Amoy tokpu in the MRT? Apply some Tiger Balm under your nose deflect unwanted kili-kili powers. sacrifice a cigarette by breaking it in half and rubbing it on the affected areas for a better view. COUL D P O S S I BLY I NST I G AT E R O A D R A GE You can’t spell “fun” without screaming. and comfortable HAP P Y JO U R N E Y *Puke in the car? Leave a bag of coal in your ride overnight to suck up the rancid smell. twerk. your phone. and the magic of science! S T E P 1 : Pull out a glass large enough to fit your phone/music-player from your pantry. repeat until appropriately inebriated. Watch him as he gives way and stays on one lane like magic. Memory immortalized. Repeat. *Skinny jeans are the perfect anti-dukot wear for snatchers. S T E P 3 : Position the lighter’s bottom end on top of your finger and let it rest under the cap. FHM . Remember this is more about pressure rather than force. no problem. the camera facing the party. Click. S T E P 1 : Find a drunken friend in need of more beer to impress with your inuman-sesh man skills. Not your style? Your expensive smartphone is at risk. A T ALL GLASS OF GOO D M U ZA A A K F o r: When fancy portable speakers are but a pipedream but you’re hosting a shindig in need of some audio-driven entertainment Yo u r so lu t io n : An empty glass. F o r: Taking IG-worthy group selfies when you can’t afford to drop 500 bucks for an overrated metal pole Yo u r so lu t io n : Convert your garden-variety dustpan into a hip monopod. and head-bang as you celebrate your audiophile-approved DIY sound system. the cap protruding from the circle formed by your index finger and thumb. Smile. *Fog on your windows? If your de-mistifier isn’t working properly. *Using Joy dishwashing liquid stains on your car windshield is a tried-and-tested cure for annoying sticker stains. Follow-through on that action till the cap flies off and revel in your usefulness. tagay. S T E P 3 : Fist-pump. *When commuting with a good sum of money. S T E P 2 : Take out your lighter and hold it where the metal is so the bottom part is what you’ll use to pop the cap. S T E P 3 : Set your smartphone’s camera on timer mode (because dustpans rarely come with Bluetooth remotes). S T E P 4 : Squeeze your thumb and index finger tight so you feel the lighter pressing harder against the cap. S T E P 1 : Get a dustpan and hold it at the highest end of the handle.

d ecod e t h e d a ti n g se crets that ne it h e r Ka n y e nor And rew E. well. Sometimes Mr. .” So as with all good things. Foreplay stimulates all the senses and helps heighten interest in doing the deed. bud. cute cropped tops and all. lambing and foreplay can go a long way.” Lagdameo adds. Paasa is shrouded as Mr. “No woman wants to feel forced into faking it. Do we really have to keep reminding you? What she actually means: Bunagan says “women have to be wary and sniff out false advertising by men. with t h e h e l p o f a p anel of t r u s t e d e x p e r ts. We gi v e th e m g i r l y p op song s a s e c o n d l i ste n and . it pays to be patient. h a s e v e r ta u g ht us… WORDS: PONG CASTILLO GENIE IN A BOTTLE SOMETIMES C hr i s ti n a A g u i l e r a B r i tn e y S p e a r s She sings: If you wanna be with me Baby there’s a price to pay I’m a genie in a bottle (I’m a genie in a bottle) You gotta rub me the right way She sings: I wanna believe in everything that you say ’Cause it sounds so good But if you really want me. move slow There’s things about me you just have to know What she really means: Christina was every bit convincing when she sang these words in 1999. telling the then-adolescent men of today that all it really takes is. “You must fully indulge in the sensual before you can fully enjoy the sexual. it’s just how their brains are wired. so girls hold their guards up and play hard-to-get to find out if the guy can be trusted. Our lady experts all agree that one of the last things a girl wants to be labeled as is “easy to get.” says author Jeni West in her books. Porn Star Secrets of Sex.” From an evolutionary psychology standpoint.HOW TO GET HOWTOGET Hi d d e n so me w h ere within t h a t ch e e k y T a ylor S wif t l y r ic co u l d b e t he k ey to A-l e v e l h o o k i n g up . some rubbing. In other words. Right Guy.

And to clear things out. we could stay alone. and that “you’re willing to work for the things you want. hanging on by thread. that makes us realistic.” What she actually means: Girls appreciate your skills in the bedroom. MA. Lagdameo’s take: “That doesn’t make women materialistic.” says Miniano. literally.” What she actually means: She’s addicted to your loving. but rather your ability and initiative to produce some. bro: winning! But try not to overthink.” says Miniano. you have to find ways to hook her into you sans all the physical panlalandi. and this temptation Sipping on your lips. Pray it’s something you’re man enough to handle. A stable income means you’re doing a good job. And what does that mean? One word.THE GIRL THEGIRL OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS Kay Bunagan. This feeling’s got me weak in the knees Body’s in withdrawal Every time you take it away Can’t you hear me calling Begging you to come out and play? So baby come to me Show me who you are She sings: It’s like everything you say is a sweet revelation All I wanna do is get into your head Yeah. just enjoy it while it lasts. RP Founding partner at Better Step Psychology Marla Miniano Author Mich Lagdameo Managing editor. but when the action stops. you and me. baby What she actually means: She’s not actually judging you for your money (or lack thereof). Engage her in honest conversations about yourself so she will be comfortable to return the favor. Stop the pa-deep one-liners and stay saktong friendly and chatty and you might find her staying for coffee at your kitchen counter the morning after. care of Lagdameo: “Just be ready for whatever crazy scenario she’s prepped for you in the bedroom. As to playing the mysterious man: “Mysterious men are extremely attractive—but only if there’s actually something going on beneath the surface. a girl wins when they end up with a man with a good head on his shoulders when it comes to finances. . But a fair warning. Cosmopolitan Philippines NO SCRUBS CANDY I REALLY LIKE YOU T LC M and y M o o r e Ca r l y R a e J e p s e n She sings: A scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fly And is also known as a buster Always talkin’ about what he wants And just sits on his broke ass So (no) She sings: I’m so addicted To the loving that you’re feeding to me Can’t do without it. in fact.

t o o . 68 FH M JUNE 2015 FACEBOOKCOM&(-PHsTWITTERCOMFHMPHILsFHMPHILOFlCIAL EH. “but we’d rather let the petty stuff go. why disagree? What she really means: Women can come off as egoistic as men. you know. no BLANK SPACE Tay l or S w i ft Sh e s i n g s : ’Cause we’re young and we’re reckless We’ll take this way too far It’ll leave you breathless Or with a nasty scar Got a long list of ex-lovers They’ll tell you I’m insane But I’ve got a blank space. We’re not saying you play Christian Grey. but if I had to choose I’d rather my guy save up for and spend on things we can experience together. and let us know if the odds were even in your favor.” says Lagdameo.” Miniano says that petty fights are like litmus tests for couples: “The reason behind them rarely even matters. Mysterious in the dating department. who sometimes plays better than Mr. “ W e k e e p f o r g e t t i n g that gi rl s d o a l l t h e s h i t t y t h i n g s guys do. t h e y’ r e n o t b e i n g careful o r p r o t e c t i n g t h e ms el v e s or whate v e r . Mi n i an o advi ses: “ Do n ’ t b e i n t i mi d at e d b y strai ghtf o r w a r d g i r l s b e c a u s e t h e y’ r e so much b et t e r t h a n t h e o n e s w h o can’ t ma k e u p t h e i r mi n d s . EH Lady Gaga She sings: Boy. but we’re more about moving forward and resolving it ASAP.” says Miniano. Take cues from her gestures and choice of words. of course. I can buy my own . like a nice meal or a trip somewhere. “Gifts are welcome. if I don’t feel it I ain’t faking No. Ha ha!). t h e y’ r e j u s t s t r i n g i n g you al on g b e c a u s e t h e y’ r e n o t s u r e i f they l i k e you e n o u g h t o mak e a move o r r e c i p r o c a t e . thank you!” www. anyway. More than the unpredictability. “It doesn’t matter who was truly wrong (chances are it was you.” RUDE BOY Rihanna She sings: I like the way You touch me there I like the way You pull my hair Baby. but the way they’re dealt with speaks volumes on your character and compatibility. ” S o met i mes g i r l s are j ust malabo . that’s right ‘Cause the boy with the cold hard cash Is always Mister Right What she really means: “A guy showering girls with gifts he can barely afford is a red flag—it’s usually more about boosting his image and less about generosity and thoughtfulness. MATERIAL GIRL Madonna She sings: They can beg and they can plead But they can’t see the light. baby And I’ll write your name What s he r e a l l y m e a n s : Hi p s t er meg a babe R ac h a e l F i n l e y of s t e a k t o o t h . but you can take some pointers maybe. com once s a i d . Just saying. women like variation in bed.fhm. or paliguy-ligoy because she just doesn’t know how to break it to ” What she really means: One DJ Alvarado immortalized in a song her tipo ng lalake: maginoo pero medyo bastos. hey ey What she really means: It’s either she’s playing pakipot to extend enjoyment of your being extra nice and giving before she makes you her boyfriend.DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND Me gh a n Tr a in o r She sings: After every fight Just apologize And maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right Even if I was wrong You know I’m never wrong Why disagree? Why. we’ve had a real good time And I wish you the best on your way Eh eh I didn’t mean to hurt you I never thought we’d fall out of place Eh eh.

“I think it’s a win for everyone overall because if women are more communicative about what they want in a relationship.” says Miniano. Pussyca t D o lls She sings: Typical Hardly the type I fall for I like when the physical Don’t leave me asking for more I’m a sexy mama (mama) Who knows just how to get what I wanna (wanna) What I want to do is spring this on you (on you) Back up all of the things that I told you (told you) What she really means: Bunagan explains that. and they won’t be waiting around for you to figure out what you’re next move will be. she just spared you that awkward hey-can-I-get-your-number moment. You’re welcome.C H E E K Y PO P SONGS CALL ME MAYBE PEACOCK Ca r l y R a e J e p s e n Ka ty P er r y She s i ngs : Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? Don’t be a chicken boy. A nd for the thi ng you’ re “hi di n g u n d er n e a t h . so by the time that the actual first date rolls around. So whatever that is your momma gave. I don’t need to hear you talk the talk Just come and show me what your momma gave What she really means: Jessie J wants you to cut the crappy pambobola and just walk the walk because some girls already know what they want and how to get it. “Don’t talk dirty unless she asks. never hesitate to ask what she wants done and how she wants it done. Prior to that. then there’s less drama. “Sex is not a one-way show of your skills. . c r i p p l i n g ins ecurities . which means that surprising your girl in the bedroom (and out of it) evokes the deepest of emotions. “you probably already know each other well enough to decide whether it’s going anywhere. J essie J She sings: She might’ve let you hold her hand in school But I’m a show you how to graduate No. if you don’ t know how to use i t. But for your romp sessions. it’ll work.” And sir. be gentle unless she roughs you up first. stop acting like a bee-yotch I’m a peace out if you don’t give me the payoff Come on baby let me see What you hiding underneath Wh a t sh e re a lly means : O ur l ady experts agree t h a t w o men s e c r e t l y like peacocking men. because these days. “a first date is rarely the beginning of a story.” adds Lagdameo. Or we can hope it will. ” L a g d a meo claim s that “ al l women wi l l agree that no ma t t e r h o w b i g you r package is . passion is closely linked to novelty and stimulations.” You’re both still winning at that anyway. show it off. BANG BANG A r i a n a G r a n d e ft. t h en w h a t ’ s t h e p o i n t ? ” BUTTONS She sings: Hey I just met you And this is crazy But here’s my number So call me maybe It’s hard to look right at you baby But here’s my number So call me maybe What she really means: You know what’s crazier? She’s straightforward even on your first dates.” says Lagdameo. for the purpose of mas ki n g maj o r . you’ve already stalked each other online. Let her take the lead.

I just want them to get to know me.WORDS: CHISE ALCANTARA ILLUSTRATIONS: JAMES ANDRES FUTURE-PROOF Worried that your not-so-impressive resumé will just end up as the HR staff’s scratch paper? Don’t fret! We came up with these unusual CELEBRITY POWER FORWARD SMALL FORWARD MR. Dr. PLAYMAKER/ MR. Everybody loves a girl that can keep you happy in both mind and body. that I’m just Tristan. An IT Administrator—a fusion of a network engineer that links all the computers in an office. that’s probably why jaws drop when people find out that Dr. If you happen to be a fresh grad looking to work in the tech field. . Chef Tristan Encarnacion says it doesn’t take a lot to become a celebrity chef. That is. With the kind of passes and plays he makes. Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut categorized Ben as a hybrid small forward/power forward. Ben’s been working on his ballhandling skills with his dad and other brothers ever since he was a little kid. but tell that to the farmer using his smartphone. Not content with just playing the role of a big man in the paint. Chef Tristan says. GAME CHANGER As a 6’10” 18-year-old. until they see him play. NBA 2015-16 possible top draft pick Ben Simmons was likely meant to be a power forward or maybe even a center.” Catering to people should be your number one priority. “My patients always get their referral first and get to surgery faster. “I don’t really see myself as a celebrity chef. if work happens to be cut off from the rest of the wired world like. say. he’s sure to change the game.” She’s very proud to be a doctor and a model. I think that just builds a wall between the people and my cooking. says that more hands-on IT people have the edge. “They give me special treatment sometimes!” she quips. of course.” TECH SUPPORT SPECIALIST HARDWARE/SOFTWARE MASTER The IT industry now drives the world of work—unless. Catering to them not just with good food but actually relating with the people and their tastes on a personal level. Solideo tells us that being an FHM model actually comes with a lot of benefits in the medical scene. because people usually ask me stuff during shows and I don’t want to be caught off guard. You should know your stuff. “It helps build awareness that FHM models are more than just pretty faces and sexy bodies—we’re professionals with brains. CHEF MR. BRAINS WITH SOME PERKS ON THE SIDE. how do you set yourself apart? Bas Antonio. “I always have to study up on my cooking. farming. Human Resources IT Specialist of Summit Media. and a technical support specialist that knows the ins and outs of computer programs—is a one-man team that can handle emergency malfunctions in the sites assigned to him on the spot. Shanna Solideo is actually a full-fledged general medical practitioner. MAKE-ALL-THEWOMEN DROOL Other than having an overwhelming amount of tikas and a killer smile.” NETWORK ENGINEER FHM MODEL DOCTOR BEAUTY.

Kelley and many others find the superhuman strength and will power to keep going.. you wonder where famous lawyerwriters like John Grisham. mentally. we’ve noticed that to be successful in the music biz you don’t just appeal to people’s ears. yes. remember bands like Poison and Motley Crue? They were far prettier than Gaga. MUSICIAN LAWYER WRITER NON-STARVING ARTIST Being a writer-lawyer seems to make sense on paper with both being meticulous when it comes to details and analyzing stories given to them but with both jobs being so taxing physically. too. you’re a guy—you can’t do Lady Gaga. What Judge Simeon Dumdum Jr. David E. guys. FASHION ICON TRENDSETTING FASHOWNISTA From Madonna to Lady Gaga. no one in his or her right mind would tell off The Rock when he makes a joke. From intimidating and difficult subjects. Hey.” it’s simple as that. TEACHER SIR/MA’AM COOL One of the greatest trials a teacher must face is keeping her students attention. Never put down your pens. we did pull that statistic out of our ass. a former math and science elementary teacher—and currently a violin instructor—says teaching through the use of song helps children remember lessons better. an accomplished RTC Judge and five-time Palanca awardwinning writer. When a students’ attention is diminished. you should write poems no matter your station in life. recommends. We miss seeing the most electrifying wrestler of all time in the ring but it’s equally awesome seeing him on the big screen kicking ass carrying a gatling gun around (woops. . “If you love writing poems. her students “learned how to love and appreciate them” through music. and emotionally. And besides. Fast 7 spoiler). We don’t know about you guys but we’d rather cough out a laugh than cough out blood when a People’s Elbow lands on our throats. Roselyn Ko. The “Skeleton Song” and the “Magnet Song” are a few of her secret weapons in her cool teacher arsenal. Being a trendsetter is almost a prerequisite nowadays.YOUR SKILL SET but logically sound and impressive-looking skill combinations that all the companies will keep their eyes out for in the future POP STAR COMEDIAN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER TOTAL ENTERTAINER We think Dwayne Johnson is a genius for switching careers. Most musicians these days are more like products and models people admire and fans copy. his learning rate drops from 80 percent down to 45 percent and. Just write. you have to be easy on the eyes. So aspiring musicians should be ready not only to rock the stage but also own that red carpet! Given.

yes. then it would be awesome if we could get a little hands-on with the cleaning. I have treated a few of my models in the clinic. . maybe that’s why our compulsion to buy and binge on fastfood never ceases. gives you the pros and cons of his lifestyle.” he says.” There’s nothing like a model who can light up the room with a smile. they help me balance out my worklife in terms of the creativity of photography. Scott. “Even if my two jobs aren’t that related. “When you’re undertaking a character. A TRUE ROLE-PLAYER Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish between performing on stage and beating them in computer games when you rock so hard at doing both. GAMER An advertiser’s job is to know how to get the attention of his or her target audience. ha ha!” This lifestyle is a win-win for him since after he chows down. you have to believe you are that character. When asked if being a dentist gets him more clients. and what better way to do so than getting into their heads? According to Walter D. FLASH THAT KILOWATT SMILE! Who needs a camera flash when you have pearly whites that could light up the whole town? Meet Dr. he goes straight to the gym to make use of his #Gainz. and certified dental practitioner. Switching from her regular self to her persona. and if they can’t do it themselves. Both jobs require the person “to get lost in different worlds” to truly appreciate and enjoy what you’re doing. Hmm. “It’s not healthy to eat a lot if you can’t burn it. which allows him to eat A LOT of food for free—“Mura akong ka-date.” says Francisco. Ejay Leung.” All it takes is a lot of dedication and munchies. an advertising psychologist “analyze[s] the human mind [and breaks it down] into its various activities.FUTURE-PROOF YOUR SKILL SET COMPETITIVE EATER PSYCHOLOGIST FITNESS BUFF ADVERTISER DENTIST METABOLIC BIONIC! THEATER ACTRESS SUBLIMINAL MARKETER PHOTOGRAPHER Love eating but hate getting fat? Rix Francisco. Rix says. “I enjoy eating and also expanding the capacity of my stomach. and the science behind dentistry.” Advertising psychologists make use of “Mental Imagery” (using data we see through our eye “to awaken as many different classes of images as possible”) to influence us into buying their products through making use of pictures and texts that relate to our senses. and turn the rest into muscle. you can’t just act the character. seems like second nature to the experienced actress. a spunky sassy bombshell named Gwenny Chant. “In a way. lose that excess fat. Assistant Professor of Psychology in Northwestern University in his article on modern advertising. He’s won numerous eating contests. then analyze[s] advertisements to discover what there is in them that may or may not awaken the activity desired. co-holder of the Guinness World Record for Fastest to Eat a 12-inch Pizza. FHM photographer.” says actress a parttime gamer-host Arya Herrera.

CONGRESSMAN RACE CAR DRIVER PROFESSIONAL BOXER BUS DRIVER ISN’T QUITE THE POWERHOUSE IN THE CONGRESS HUNDRED CAR PILE-UP Unless you’re gunning for most absences in House of the Representatives meetings. for example. road-rager. not only for our own sakes but also for the good health of other peoples’ ears! But you have to admit—the onstage wardrobe choices of some of these ambisyosas aren’t too bad on the eyes. ACTRESS SINGING DIVA WANNABE SONGSTRESS Leave your karaoke singing in the shower room please. lane to lane. but once we step out of our fantasy world. it wasn’t our entirely fault. There are some things you just shouldn’t try because of the sheer douchebag-ery they would entail. The Fast and the Furious meets Edsa traffic. our bad. Mr. we don’t think you should really be branching out into another profession that has absolutely nothing to do with your prior one. .formula for disaster EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT US THESE COMBOS JUST DON’T WORK FHM MODEL TRAFFIC ENFORCER PRETTY ROAD HAZARD This wouldn’t be a great story if we didn’t add some of our own blunders in the past. People’s Champ. would it now? We’ll just toss this up as one of our inuman session ideas. we do all transform into Mariah Carey while we’re washing our hair and singing with our showerhead microphone. Yeah. But. being a civilian-model your kababayans can look up to. starting your own fundraiser. really. feeling all Gran Turismo. Yes. Save yourself the pocket change for paying off the “traffic enforcers” and hang up them keys on the shelf. maybe that’s asking a bit too much. Kaskasero from your worst nightmares. if our models weren’t so eye-catching and the motorists could have just kept their eyes on the road instead of staring at the sizzling hot women wearing almost nothing and posing sensuously on the side of the road then… okay. or something as simple as not running for a political position at all–ever. Just imagine these giant six-wheelers drifting. giving to charity and projects. we should just accept reality. There are other ways to help your province.

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I’m turning 40, and I can’t still be
figuring it all out. We’ve got young
dudes in the nuthouse now who can do
a better job embarrassing themselves.
So I’ve got a bucket list of things
I want to be when I grow, not up, but
out. That is, a new skill set when I
become uselessly old and obsolete in
this business. We all have our bucket
lists. Yours probably has “travel the
world” or “buy a sports car” or some
other thing you should be doing other
than the thing you’re doing right now.
Mine happens to have “be a rock
star” and “do stand-up comedy.” I’m
not kidding. If I’m going to be doing
something else, I might as well keep
my list amusing.
Thing is, I’ve been trying to be a
rock star for 24 years now, damn since
high school. But it will never happen.
It’s never going to happen because I’m
an up-in-my-own-ass elitist. I like music
that no one has heard of, so I’ve been in
and out of bands that no one cares to
listen to. First band was a death metal
band that played slow death metal; then
a goth band once followed by 15-yearold girls, some professing to have had
thoughts of killing themselves. Both
bands sound criminal.
But I could be a stand-up comedian.
No, really, I can. How hard could it
I’m not about to give you bullshit
here. Right off, I will not say “I’m
funny,” because that’s not for me to
decide. But at least that’s what I try to
be every time I commit words to this
rag. It’s probably more right to say I
know what’s funny.
I’m not good at talking in public,
but I’m not good at shutting up either.
Matigas ang mukha ko if I really put
my mind to it.
Then one editorial meeting, the
story pitch “FHM’s Road-Tested Daily
Stand-up Comedy Routine” came up.

The idea was to help the everyday guy
be funny with his friends and the girls,
and to do that we would seek the help
of seasoned stand-up comics to thresh
out material—a full script—that we
could then put to practical use.
FHM team editor Allan Madrilejos,
who’s 46 and may or may not be hard at
work on his own list of other things he
should be doing instead, sort of threw it
back at me, like fecal matter.
“Why don’t you do stand-up?”
Yeah, why don’t I do it myself? Tick
one off the bucket list. How fucking
hard could it be?

That’s how I got into this mess.
Early on it was pretty clear what
I had to do: get to an open mic. I’d
read and seen enough stuff on the
Internet about Richard Pryor, George
Carlin, Jerry Seinfeld, and all the
other American comedians supposedly
among Comedy Central’s 50 best to
know that open mic is where you sign
up to perform in front of an audience.
You don’t get paid for it, and you
only get three to five minutes to make
people laugh, but open mic is where all
great stand-up careers start. Seinfeld
has a $15 million car collection.
Pryor accidentally set himself on fire
freebasing cocaine and lived. Carlin
declared God was Joe Pesci.
Wait, I hear scoffing in the
audience: “We really have stand-up
comedy in the Philippines?” The way
Seinfeld and co. do it? Yes, we do. It’s
a young scene, a little older than 10
years maybe, but we do. They do clubs,
corporate shows, and most importantly,
they host open mics.
This is where we differentiate things
now. Stand-up technically is not Allan
K. or Vice Ganda doing the comedy bar
circuit. It’s not Michael V. improvising

on Bubble Gang. You might have seen
the Porkchop Duo riff jokes onstage in a
town fiesta years back and thought they
did stand-up, but no. It’s not Tito, Vic
and Joey. It might not even be Dolphy
and Panchito. In other words, stand-up
comedy has no tradition in Pinoy humor.
I don’t quite get it myself. I’ve seen
Pinoy stand-ups bomb ignominously
onstage, eliciting no laughs for joke
after joke after joke. It could have been
the language—they were talking in
English, and we don’t laugh the Pinoy
laugh in English. It could have been the
material—too smart, too self-consciously
Pinoy but not talking about the Pinoy.
It could have been the comic himself—
just who are you exactly? It’s enough to
make you think stand-up comedy just
would not work in the Philippines.
But I had seen one guy who made
it work: Alex Calleja. You’ve read about
him thrice here on FHM and he’s the
current toast of the Pinoy stand-up
comedy scene, and by that I only mean
he’s the guy I’ve seen who was able to
elicit “real” laughter from his audience.
Not polite laughter, but tindahan-sakanto laughter. His material—mostly
mahirap vs. mayaman snippets,
observations on everyday life—straddles
the line between comedy bar and Comedy
Central. In his circle of comedians, a
group called Comedy Manila, they call
him “The Hybrid” and “The Master.”
If I were to plunge headlong into
the assignment, then I had better call
the man and ask him the fundamental
questions: Just how the hell do you do
Pinoy stand-up? Will you mentor me?
Can you sneak my name into Comedy
Manila’s open mic?

What happened was. 5.. at the ripe old age of 27. I’m actually here on assignment. and writes for several TV shows on ABS-CBN. Kung matalino ka.” I’m there. matalino. in the companies that he had worked in. This is a guy who had never studied for any of the things he’s doing right now: he graduated college with a computer science degree.. Walang pretention. and how I was probably getting too old for the job: . because if I was going to die onstage I sure would want to know why: Me: Ano ba talaga yung pinagkaiba niyo sa eksena sa Zirkoh? Alex: Sa kanila hindi solo. sa susunod nagbobo-bobohan ka. mga ganon. Me: What is Pinoy comedy? Alex: Tama na ang Pinoy comedy ay sina Dolphy. mga late ‘90s. Kailangan malaman nila kung sino ka. It wasn’t anything. Repeat. Me: Ang perception sa stand-up comedy. it’s the comedian’s responsibility to make the content relatable to the audience.000 words of it (see picture) .. just the way he thought things were. di ko pa alam yung Comedy Central. because it came from a guy who made it work. he would always be assigned to host raffles at Christmas parties. Men’s Health’s Marc Yazon and Wayne Tulio. I’m Allan Hernandez. matalino ka. So kung taga. para pwede namang ako yung maging kwela sa barkada— tsaka syempre sa chicks… Lagi kaming nag-iisip ng ways to get down with the chicks—15 years na bale… So hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin talaga namin alam ang sagot. A third of the audience were Comedy Manila’s resident comics trying out their material. nag-Iingles. Me: So if you’re mentoring me. at kung anong sasabihin mo in 10 seconds. was to get some tips from professional stand-up comedians para makagawa ako ng sarili kong material. all 1. But before heading off to his radio gig. 4. Then one time. Vic. eh di ikwento mo yung mga tungkol sa FHM.” Alex said. Makikita mo yung proseso. and every time he’d made fun of the event and it was a hit. Sila. goes onboard a radio show. If Alex had seen my cheat sheet he’d have said “hindi article ang isusulat mo. I said. 3. yung hitsura nila. ano’ng pwede mong ipabaon sa akin? Alex: 1. kaya di ma-gets. Start small. FHM Philippines’ managing editor. what he’d been doing. Pero. Yung open mic namin dun din kami nagpapraktis ng mga jokes namin sa Comedy Manila together with the other comedians. so my material was about my life as an FHM editor. I started out my five minutes exactly this way.” Alex said in a meeting I hijacked. which I could then put to everyday use.Good thing Alex had the time. “Next Thursday ang open mic sa Uno Morato. jokes!” There were maybe about 30 people in Uno. ano ka.. the rest were my hakot: FHM’s Team Editor Allan Madrilejos and Associate Art Director JL Patulan.. early 2000s. Puta 15 YEARS.” he said. kasi nung mga panahon na yun. they use the audience. Kailangan bumuo ka ng persona that you will take with you your whole career. “You either have it or you don’t. Build a great opener and closer. “Hindi ko alam stand-up comedy na pala yung ginagawa ko.. may kasama ka sa stage. wala pa namang cable nun. Puta naman ‘tong si Alex o. Depende yun sa komedyante. Even if your topic is high-brow. a cool geek’s space about the size of a shoebox condo unit. Alex dropped a piece of his mind about the whole ordeal. dun ka sumalang. they were solid pieces of advice. Outside of his regular gigs headlining for Comedy Manila. Build on three minutes. Sa amin mas structured ang jokes. and had previously worked in the call center industry. I heeded Alex Calleja’s advice to keep it real. his call center organized a stand-up comedy workshop.iba lang kami. Eh di may three minutes ka na! I have to admit. 2.FHM ka. and Joey. Be real. he does hosting jobs. build another one. Tito. and that’s where it all made sense to him. and a photo and video team. Then create a good middle. at least initially. di pa rin namin alam. Don’t be ambitious. So my assignment. Alex: Hindi totoo ang perception ng matalinong joke. I cut to the chase and asked him the tough questions.. even if you could probably get the same shit online. I’m able to write it down word for word for you because I wrote my entire material down. After you create a solid three-part. an hour before he was to go on radio. Wala ring kasalanan ang audience kung hindi nag-work ang joke—nasa komedyante pa rin. Hindi pwedeng matalino ka ngayon. Repeat.. ikaw ang magsusulat ng sarili mong jokes. “Matigas lang talaga ang mukha ko.

I plodded on: Two days ago we had a . But I like writing for magazines. Wala ako sa shoot. Dun sa birthday. FACEBOOKCOM&(-PHsTWITTERCOMFHMPHILsFHMPHILOFlCIAL —ah ito hindi pwede talaga… You cannot look. dad.. Birthday ng anak ko e. in fact. But it was short. Would I do it again? Yes.. He’ll fucking laugh at anything. Was it the longest five minutes of my life? No. How hard could it be? Fucking hard. Sila mayaman na. Di bale sana kung si Billy Joe Crawford o Isko Moreno ako. 18 years na kong nagtatrabaho. “wow pare. I’m writing new material now. I really wasn’t there because it was my kid’s birthday. I’m taking FHM associate Art Director JL “The Laughing Hyena” Patulan with me. but I’m glad I wrote it because it made sense to me at that time. Makakatulong ako dun as editorial mentor—kaso parang mali…sa inuman ng barkada… ”Kumusta yung cover niyo?” “Panalo bro…bata…batang-bata! Men’s Health. who knew all too well what I was talking about. For good measure. after all these years working for FHM I’m thinking of switching careers. he mentioned something about laughter levels: if you get one laugh. not investigative journalism. that’s level one.” He was right. wala na…sa kangkungan na ako pupulutin. Was I funny? Again that’s not for me to decide. yung isa vice mayor and future senator (taga niyo sa bato yan!)… Eh kung si Michael Locsin o kaya si Brylle Mondejar ako. nandun yung best friend ko na ninong din nung bunso ko… Sabi niya. ang lawak ng future ko—yung isa dating pop star sa Paris. Mas bastos pa sa amin yung mga yun e. Team Editor Allan Madrilejos said at the end of my sight: “mahaba yung exposition mo. I wish I hadn’t written all of it and just riffed on the ideas. lilipat na lang ako ng ibang Summit magazine… Pwede siguro sa Entrepreneur… —kaso sasama lang ang loob ko roon. was how to get to the end. They thought I was kidding.Ang FHM parang That’s Entertainment—kailangan pag tumanda ka na. All I can say is that I got through my material. SI MARIA OZAWA. YOU CANNOT TOUCH. Not much laughter there..fhm.. Short ones this time. grumadweyt ka. You work on moving up the levels. My problem. PUTA WAG NA WAG! That was the end of my set. to build up the feeling that I was a hero for not attending Maria Ozawa’s shoot. In the crash course mentorship Alex Calleja gave me. it’s a bad gig.M. Some laughs came from the back. Cover line nila: SEX IN THE A. I would. ANG TANGA MO! PINAGPALIT MO SI MARIA OZAWA SA ANAK MO?!!!!! Napaisip ako. START YOUR DAY WITH A BANG! So di na kami magtatrabaho?! Sa Candy pwede rin. You’d want him to be your friend if you think you’re funny. They didn’t. Polite laughter. I paused again. FHM www. and your next gig got the same level. Alex’s you-have-it-or-you-don’t began to ring in my ear. Yung anak ko pag lumaki yan— lalaki eh—kay Maria Ozawa rin mapupunta yan. I think I got a level one—near the end. tangina… O kaya siguro sa Cosmo— pwede guys dun in the same way na may girls sa staff namin…—kaso parang di rin ako pwede lumipat don. This was where I thought I got the best laugh. Puro abs. I riffed some more until I got to the final bit of my set: So you know. It’s stand-up. “Oo nga ‘no. If you got a level one. So maybe I won’t be doing this stand-up comedy ANG TANGA MO!!!! This was where I thought I got a good laugh. I paused here to see if the crowd would swoon. I’m testing it when I get a chance to do another open mic. you can. ako hindi. where my entourage was. I also wasn’t kidding. If you care. Can you watch? Yes. hard work is the key to success. I wasn’t. Sasabihin lagi ng iniinterview ko. Baka pagdating ng panahon sabihin pa sa akin niyan pag nalaman niyang hindi ako nagpunta sa 78 FH M JUNE 2015 shoot ni Maria Ozawa Wow.


Pero depende yan sa mga kasama ko. Man Not man  What fictional villain scares you the most? Wala. pero gusto ko masubukan magpaputok ng baril. what would it be? Wala naman. si Erika [Padilla] siyempre! FHM covergirl pa. pero hindi siya katangkaran. Hindi siya secret. Pag mas nakakatakot kasi. May nagigilit ng leeg ng manok. Pag summer yun ah.. Siksik siyang aso. Hindi naman siya big deal para sa akin. Tukso yata yung title nun. Man  Not man If you could blow up one thing.. ILLUSTRATION: CARLO MAALA Man  Not man What’s the worst thing you were teased about as a kid? Itlog. Man Not man  If the world were to end tomorrow.   Not man Can you name one high-ranking FHM woman you’ve had an unforgettable experience with? Meron. Pero game naman ako gawin yan kung kailangan… why not? Man  Not man What’s the name of the coolest pet you’ve ever had? Bravo. Man  Have you ever taken secret selfies? Huh? Hindi no. Man  Not man Not man What’s the title of the weirdest porno you’ve watched? Hindi talaga siya porn eh. Nung nagabroad ako kasama yung Gilas. hindi talaga ako nag-deodorant kasi malamig naman eh.The FHM man test This month’s challenger. yan. Nag-po-post pa ako ng selfies! Not man Man  Not man Have you ever farted openly in public? Ah. I’m sure ginagawa nating lahat ‘to. Presko. INTERVIEW: PONG CASTILLO. okay lang sa akin. what would your last meal be? Kakain ako ng mga taba ng baboy. pero yun ang pangasar sa akin dati. betlog…ewan ko ba. lechon kawali. Ang laki-laki ko kasi. kahit sa movies. Asong Pinoy… askal. umamoy na ako. Man  Not man Have you ever worn your briefs on top of your pants and pretended to be a superhero? Parang hindi ko pa nasubukan yun ah. Man  Not man . mas natatawa ako. sexy film lang. Man  Not man Have you ever had blood in your hands that was not yours? Oo. tapos lumipad yung manok nang walang ulo. Kakainin ko na lahat ng masasarap na pinagbabawal at iniiwasan ko ngayon. Man  Not man Would you ever carry your girlfriend’s purse at the mall if she asked you to? Oo. hindi lang natin inaamin kasi minsan tahimik. RANI DE L D E O CA MPO Will the Talk ‘N Text Tropang Texter and Gilas Pilipinas top cager score enough points to be an FHM MVP? Have you ever sniffed used underwear? Sa akin ba o hindi? Ha ha! Pero oo. Mahirap akong takutin. dugo ng manok. Man  Man Not man Which romantic comedy makes you feel giddy inside? Gusto ko yung The Notebook. oo naman. natalsikan ako ng dugo sa kamay kasi sinubukan kong hulihin. Malusog siya at medyo bilugan. Man What’s the longest you’ve gone without wearing deodorant? Kaya kong hindi magdeodorant ng mga isang linggo. maganda talaga yun tsaka nakakaiyak.

THE MAN TEST LEADERBOARD Se f Ca d a y ona Dan Villegas Jose Manalo Ranidel de Ocampo Ch i t o M i r a nda RA Rivera Gloc-9 Loonie M e d w i n M a rfil B r a n d o n V era 1 4 /1 5 1 4 /1 5 1 3 /1 5 1 3 /1 5 1 3 /1 5 1 2 /1 5 1 2 /1 5 1 2 /1 5 1 2 /1 5 1 1 /1 5 . we don’t know what is.13/15 RDO might cry for sappy romcoms every now and then—but if getting splattered with decapitated chicken’s blood isn’t manly enough.

.The girls on If LFO were still around nowadays. no doubt they’d be penning catchy pop ditties about girls and their selfies rather than falling for someone on TV. . Some may say ‘gramming is a pointless exercise in thirsttrapping dudes and promoting #vanity but these three ladies have shown us that there’s more than a little success in working those hashtags! instagram Three of the most double-tapworthy ladies in the game! starting off with..

IG tianna Hits gregory G I R LS F HM OF Is everyone’s suggested user to follow! Rey Trajano Ash Mahinay Melanie Togo .

she has a following normally reserved for VS Angels and Hollywood sfhmphilofficial www. Look up Instagram model in the dictionary and there will be a gratuitously sexy photo of Tianna in there–you don’t stumble into fame by posting crappy photos after stwitter. Play on. 84 FH M JUNE 2015 of the undisputed GOATs in the .com/FHM. playette.

G I R LS F HM OF IG Hits snap chats In your own words. How does one get to sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 85 . play soccer. and play with my dogs–I am a huge animal lover! I also love being outdoors and spending time with my friends and family.2 million Instagram followers? It happened over the course of two I met some great photographer and my career escalated from there. My following is pretty spread out and I get lots of love from all over! Can I keep him please? Refueling in between sets Could you tell me the right answer please? stwitter. Did you kick butt in soccer? I was the play maker and scorer. What keeps you busy aside from the daily life? I love to work out. you are? I’m a model and soon to be business owner from South Lake Tahoe. I definitely could play with the boys growing up–it was always fun playing facebook.

G I R LS F HM OF IG Hits karina .

velez Hits the popular page! Yves Truong Chad Mahinay .

This 100-percent Colombiana babe is steadily racking up the appearances thanks to a red-hot feed–it’s also how we discovered her and got her in our pages as well. I love the fact she’s not afraid to be herself and is genuinely funny. what can your man do to help you relax and unwind? Bring me a glass of wine and kisses! . Sometimes Internet fame and magazine features are a chicken-and-egg deal– either can come first–but one thing is for sure: we’ll never get tired of getting the favorites from our feeds into the flesh. ha ha! Are you a Sofia Vergara fan like all the boys? Yes. absolutely love her! She’s beautiful inside and out. snap chats How did you get into modeling? Through my love for fashion! I also love expressing myself through pictures. and I would say modeling is more of a hobby with lots of perks. What kind of lover are you? Compassionate and romantic with a little fear of commitment. What is the sexiest moment of your life? Fresh out of the shower–so fresh and so clean! At the end of the day.

com/ sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 89 .G I R LS F HM OF IG Hits Bend it like Beckham! Look back game on point Get to da’ choppa! Let this be our little secret Sharing is caring <3 www.

mirror-mgmt. www..and for the main event Vanessa Golub wins most supportive girlfriend ever by unanimous decision! Ejay Leung of Midnight Bonkers Chise Alcantara Styling: Sam Potenciano Makeup: Ria Aquino Hair: Rhoy Cervantes of L’Oreal Professionnel Special Thanks To Mirror ..G I R LS F HM OF IG Hits .


Going batty for this adorable dude! Really hoped Manny took this home :( Shaken not stirred My #WCW! Freezing but still keeping it hot .

you’d be right— Vanessa played one of the lovely Tecate ring muses during the Pacquiao-Mayweather mega fight last month.G I R LS F HM OF IG Hits From the golden coast of California to the shores of facebook. www.fhm. Vanessa is bringing the kind of heat that we If you can’t shake the feeling that you’ve seen her before. Fun fact: she landed the gig because of her killer IG feed–but maybe the fact that she was a former Miss California contender helped as stwitter. One thing is for sure though: she didn’t look one bit out of place on the big sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 93 .

I took a stroll down the red light district. Were you nervous about getting up on the big stage and having millions of eyes watching you? It was definitely nerve-racking. I think I enjoy watching basketball more. ha ha! Does that mean you have mommy’s blessing to stay with us for…um. ha ha! Now I understand that there is so much going on in the game–and I love that. I like the fighting in boxing because the feeling that someone might just go down gets me really excited. We also went to Tagaytay and visited Bag of Beans. Before I had no idea what was going on. shemovedtomanila. Just being there to watch. ha ha! A modeling agency scouted me from Instagram. Anything you find weird about the country so far? Well. which was pretty interesting. people seem to like looking at me. ha ha! She has been asking me for updates about how I’m doing ever since we moved here. Why did you move here? I moved to Manila because my boyfriend [Ryan Wetherell] will be entering the PBA draft this year. let alone being close to the ring as a ring girl. Pacquiao! Mayweather’s too rude anyway. Ryan and I have plans on staying here and establishing a life of our own. and Instagram religiously. and they interviewed and cast me from there. she fully supports and trusts my decisions. and she really loves Ryan. but realistically speaking. I guess! Which sport do you like better: basketball or boxing? Well.‘I felt that just because I’m a foreigner. So I came out here to be the supportive girlfriend and enjoy the Filipino lifestyle! What a lucky guy! How long have you been here? I’ve been here for five months so . ha ha! But other than that. She even googles my name sfhmphilofficial Would she still think you’re a good girl even after today’s shoot? I’m sure she’ll be proud of what I did. blog. ha ha! You just have to have a big smile and cast your energy to all the people watching–just have fun and look good. She stalks my Facebook. which has become one of my 94 FH M JUNE 2015 favorite places ever. and I’ve done a good amount of things already. ha ha! But other than that. Was your family cool with the big move? I actually started writing my blog because of mom. or maybe even ten. which is really good! I actually learned the game of basketball. Filipinos that I’ve talked to and been with are really very nice!’ We read your I don’t really know for how long. Do you enjoy the game yourself? I do now that I’ve been dating Ryan. Do we sense a supportive girlfriend answer there? So you noticed how I changed that up? Ha ha! FH M stwitter. you’ve probably noticed that we love to play basketball—often right on the street. and as much as she wants me to be with her in Cali. though. it was a fight for the history books. This is my first time doing it. it was amazing! So who were you rooting for? Of course. But because I’ve grown to appreciate basketball.fhm. It could be two years. Do you love boxing too? Hence the ring girl appearance? I was extremely excited for that. The possibilities are still up in the air. probably the worst thing that could happen to a ring girl is fall onstage and that might actually give her more publicity. I went to Boracay for Holy Week. Did you have a lot of experience being a ring girl? Nope. Filipinos that I’ve talked to and been with are really very nice! Since you’ve been walking the streets. people seem to like looking at me. ha ha! But does she approve of the idea? She knows I’ve been a good girl all my life. I felt that just because I’m a foreigner. which was really fun. ever? Actually.


.NOW YOU CAN TAKE THE BABES EVERYWHERE YOU GO. You can access App now! using the account you create for the FHM Philippines App. Download the *Powered by .

Havaianas . shorts can get the occasional run out when it’s muggy. P895+. ALWAYS SOMETIMES NEV ER* A safe bet for downpours is the Jessie. SM Milanos Canvass kicks. Tank tops unconditionally go into the closet for hibernation. slippers will get your toes wet in the rain but if we’re talking baha then it’s best to just give in to the inevitable and save your shoes the dyaryo treatment afterwards. Boat shoes look the part all year round (because it’s always summer somewhere!) and it’s thicker material means actual protection against splashes and water sprays–so less wet socks hopefully. and a brightly colored tee wouldn’t hurt on a dull day.Style NEWS WHAT TO BUY AND HOW TO WEAR IT R* AL VE WA NE YS SOMETIMES SO LONG SWEET SUMMER ASH MAHINAY Walk away from the sun in the right footwear Thanks for that blistering summer. no socks is a thing with boat shoes…less wet toes. P3. are literally cool on the feet in summertime. What about the shoe game though? Here’s our guide to breaking out the heat on a rainy day. If you don’t expect more than a light drizzle though. *Obviously. but it barely protects against the elements– not to mention dirty gutter water will instantly leave marks and stains on these. but it’s time to move on–and that involves a change of wardrobe for the incoming rains. Lacoste Shoes You made a kick-ass pair during Make Your Own Havaianas day last May? Too bad you only had one solid month to wear them.395. Oh wait.75. then! P899. it’s still safe to head out in these. like the Marice Lace.

Well. BUTTON-DOWN SHIRT. PANTS. we head to Tokyo and attempt to turn Japanese. in clothes at least. ZARA . UNIQLO. LINEN SUIT JACKET. TYLER.In honor of our cover girl. SHOES. BADJ GENATO.


.and 1/4 of your wardrobe doesn’t become useless for extended amounts of time sMas tipid ang walang layers sShorts are always acceptable .com/FHM. ADIDAS. IS IT BETTER (FASHIONWISE) TO HAVE FOUR SEASONS INSTEAD OF TWO? 100 FH M JUNE 2015 PROS FOR FOUR: s You can layer sIt’s cool enough to wear a suit 3/4 of the year sWalking somewhere and looking fashyon is a reality and not a hard choice between dressing up to die in the heat and being plain but comfy sYou can actually layer! sfhmphilofficial PROS FOR TWO: sYou don’t need to buy new clothes every four months s.. stwitter. PANTS AND SHOES.SHIRT AND HOODIE.fhm.

ph SHOES. UNIQLO. PANTS. V-NECK SWEATER. BUTTON-DOWN sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 101 . stwitter. ZARA.

ph . 102 FH M JUNE 2015 facebook. ALL FROM ADIDAS... sfhmphilofficial CROPPED JOGGER 格 好 良 い* * a man is not referred to as “cute” or kawaii he must stwitter. kakkoi SHIRT. AND SHOES.


I like to have my hands on the right places and be in control. I hope to own a Ferrari or a Porsche Panamera someday. Driver or passenger? Driver.QUICKFIRE ROUND Sports car or muscle cars? Sports car. Front seat or backseat? Backseat. .

two. So here we turn the spotlight on Anne. Events let you socialize and interact face to face. A little bit of everything! You kept on saying during the shoot that you were a little nervous. and American. It’s my real name. But car show model Anne Stockton says it’s sometimes difficult to catch car-show goers’ attention when you’re up against some shiny European or Japanese auto beauty. I know. it was my lolo who was pure American. We take it you enjoy photo ops and small talk. stripped down of the flashy wardrobe and props. “Stockton” sounds Are doing photo shoots a lot different from doing events and shows? I find photo shoots more difficult because you have to be able to express yourself in stills. in just a click of the camera.FH M JUNE PONG CASTILLO JAY TABLANTE STY L I N G : HANNAH KIM M A K E UP : CARISSA MEDVED Anne Stockton This kitty-loving babe will make you forget about cars—or the fact that you don’t drive one M en flock to car shows for obvious reasons: one. for their innate love for anything four-wheeled and revving. looking more at ease than you’ll ever see stwitter. I’m part Chinese. No cars? No problem. My father is Amerasian. yet your features are Asian. Where do you hail from? Ha ha! It’s really confusing. Any interesting tales from your recent stints? There was this one event where I facebook. Filipino. which I find easier because I’m a people sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 105 . for the chance to be surrounded by car show models who make such events doubly fun and exciting.

ha ha! If I’m out. facebook. I actually sleep in a Hello Kitty room. I would want someone who can be proud of my being independent and driven. What’s the most surprising thing about you that is not posted online? I was actually a working student taking up tourism before modeling took up most of my time.fhm. or anything. It won’t hurt to reward yourself with little pleasures after a hard day’s work! FH M Anne’s life this month Feeling blue on the job. in general. yes. I hope it doesn’t. Ha ha! The magic happens in other places. a guy picks you up at your place on a first date… A red Ferrari or some other really nice sports car.) Me with #NoMakeUp on. and an interesting way to make friends. Does that intimidate men. What car would impress you. I sleep in my car sometimes.GIRLFRIEND represented a motor shop and we were able to earn more than half a million pesos in two days! Crazy! What about car shows and events do you like most? I like that I am able to meet people from different walks of life. and biglang sumilip sa loob ng kotse! We see that you’re very active in your social media . though? Well. Would you do a crazy thing in a car? Nothing too odd. But the best part is meeting people who genuinely admire you. only it’s already a plus for men when they learn that women are into cars. I want to be a flight attendant. It tells a lot about a guy—how he takes care of things. Are you a fan of motoring? Girls who are into that are quite rare to find. baka ma-curious sila if they see the car shake or the windows moist. There’s a sense of responsibility that comes with owning a car. I believe it’s important that a person sets his goals and works hard to achieve them. Ha ha! It would be nice to be driven around the city in a nice car. It’s a convenient tool to promote events. We like that you’re stwitter. of course. What is it about you girls that draw people in? I don’t think there’s much difference. Plus having a strong personality helps. 106 FH M JUNE 2015 Sexy in pink! . which I find really sweet. Hopefully I can go back to school next semester. for that matter. Yes. ha ha! We’ve actually made friends with quite a number of car-show models. Kailangan may sense of self-fulfillment ka eh. I think hassle lang if we do the deed inside the car kasi iisipin mo yung mga taong and some eventually became my close friends. And do men who drive nice rides get instant pogi points? Honestly. Some supporters even give us chocolates or stuffed toys. you’d see me in spas with my girlfriends. I actually love to customize my car with Hello Kitty decals. I was a self-supporting student. how he works hard to be able to buy his own stuff. what sort of cheap thrills are you into? I’m a homebody. On a lighter note. then? Say. Updating my accounts is also my way of giving back to those who support me. sfhmphilofficial Cars + chicks = winning! www.


WIN AT LIFE Daddy's BIG DAY OUT Starting to relate more with the #TitosofManila than the #kidsoftoday? Or would you simply like to give your old man a break? It’s time to look at the most traveled local destinations from a different POV Words and Photos KATE ALVAREZ OF WWW.COM .KATEWASHERE.

and you’ll get plus points with your healthconscious wife. elevated views of Taal volcano. but if you want more dramatic shots. Batangas has maintained its multifaceted vibe for decades. It’s the perfect spot to use that DSLR that’s been gathering dust in your house. book an island hopping tour at Virgin Islands. But Batanes weather is unpredictable. Batanes has always been on the bucket list of travelers looking for something outside of the usual. There’s something for every member of the family. One of the easiest out-of-town escapes for Manileños. A V O I D: When it’s raining. whether it’s a typhoon or just scattered thunderstorms. diving spots. a five-star vegan health B O O K W H E N ? Anytime it’s dry. Check the weather forecast before booking a trip. Wear shorts and a good pair of walking shoes. and hot spring resorts to choose from. W O R ST A N D B E S T TI M E S TO G O : Unless there is a typhoon. a trip to Batanes may change your mind. There are plenty of beaches. Its evergreen islands with preserved ancestral houses and zero crime rate will make you feel like you’re in another country in another time. Calle Crisologo’s cobblestone streets and colonial architecture look great under the When you have time. The rain will keep you stuck indoors and ruin the lighting of your stwitter. www. Bali-like environment. don’t be shocked if your ticket and overall expenses cost more than a trip to Hong Kong. If you feel like you’ve seen all that the Philippines has to offer. BATANES Way before Toni Gonzaga and Coco Martin shot the rom-com You’re My Boss in the northernmost part of the country. wait until dawn when the tourists have dispersed and the skylight is softer. so stay away from July to October unless you’re there to witness how their famous stone houses work. Bohol’s Virgin Islands is just a 20-minute boat ride from Alona Beach in Panglao. where most tourists go when visiting this Visayan province. book a flight to Ilocos Sur and explore the heritage city of Vigan. If you’d like to stay away from the overflow of tourists. It’s like walking toward paradise. children’s activities. Batangas is easy to visit any time of year. B O O K W H E N? February to June when the sky is bright and the sea is calm. There are happiness programs. facebook. AV O I D: Remember that Batanes is a waypoint for typhoons. make sure you book your trip on Here’s one more virgin you can conquer. and even golf facilities around this lush. so be prepared for quick. A V O I D: Typhoon and rainy season. fitness activities. Looking for something different? Try The Farm in San Benito. healing spa treatments. Because this place is elusive to budget tourism.fhm. yoga classes. JUNE 2015 FH M 109 . Wait until the low tide exposes a white powdery sand bar that leads to the main sfhmphilofficial B O O K W H E N ? Dry season from December to March. scattered rain showers. When you’re done touring the Chocolate Hills and cruising down Loboc River.Daddy's BOHOL BIG DAY OUT Vigan If you’re tired of beaches and would like something a little more cultural. also visit Ilocos Norte to see the windmills at Bangui Wind Farm.

Book hotels where they have entertainment rooms. sem breaks. There’s always a Duty Free shop nearby to sate your feeling balikbayan fix. amoykatawan crowd. as long as there’s no storm or typhoon. You won’t get to snorkel or ride a boat. There are many churches. .a. A V O I D : Rainy season (June to September) when the sea roils. Husband Day Care. jet-skiing. but not too hot for walking around town. and the peak of summer. Leave the kids there with the yaya for a few hours while you and the missus hire a boat and re-enact the end scene of Bourne Legacy a la Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz. The water sports culture is still thriving in Zambales. there’s Zoobic Safari. but surely somewhere along this four square-mile island you can find a spot away from the noisy. so choose from kayaking. BOOK WHEN? Late February. A V O I D : Third weekend of October when they celebrate the Masskara Festival.k. Unless you enjoy bumping into merry-making teens and young adults. kart racing. Or get a massage while your kids get rolled down a hill in a zorb. 110 FH M JUNE 2015 The American-base vibe of Subic may be long gone.Daddy's BIG DAY OUT If history was your favorite class in school. Your heydays of Boracay partying may be long gone. sailing. better leave them with yaya at the hotel pool. and Treetop Adventure Park. and museums to explore. right before the kids’ summer vacation starts. B O O K W H E N? December to February when it’s dry. Subic is so accessible to Manileños. head over to Red Coconut Beach Bar. a. but if your kids are rolling their eyes at this itinerary. AV O I D : Summer peak season and popular long weekend holidays such as #Laboracay. When the young’uns start hitting the bars at night. EL NIDO SUBIC Among the three Palawan destinations— Puerto Princesa. which makes tourism extra chaotic. Coron. B O O K W H E N? All other weekends. or during any sunny weekend during the off-peak season (June to September). Feeling adventurous? Hire an ATV or buggy with the kids. Here there are plenty of snorkeling and lagoon explorations to choose from. Bacolod in Negros Occidental is your spot. AV O I D: Holidays. better stay away. and El Nido—the latter is the most laidback albeit most expensive. but there’s a slew of activities that your entire family can enjoy. Make sure you spend an afternoon at The Ruins—what’s left of a pre-World War II mansion built by Don Mariano Ledesma Lacson. For the kids. B O O K W H E N ? December to May when the water is calm. and surfing adventures. You’ll fit right in. ancestral homes. so imagine the traffic jam on NLEX. where the kids YOLO to their hearts’ content.

” The book gathers the best tweets from @TitasOfManila on Twitter and new “tita” material written exclusively for print. Life According To Tita is a compilation of hilarious lines commonly uttered by the dear women we fondly call “tita. newsstands nationwide for only P175 . Now available in all bookstores.

com/FHM. sports. it will only take a while to lose that pandesal and get a body that will make all those saladeating sods envious DAD WHAT? “The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. and stay guilt-free. never think twice about indulging yourself with some nice dessert after meals. but your belly. carrying grocery bags)—your legs. STICK TO A STRICT DIET P L A N Eat lots of protein-rich manmeals such as tapsilog— remember. strive to strengthen the muscles you use in everyday situations (ie. com. too. DON’T SKIP “KEG” DAY A man who persistently says no to invites by his drinking buddies is not a happy man.UPGRADE GET DAD BOD HOW TO G ET A “ K ID ” Doesn’t necessarily have to be a human being—it could be a dog. Just a cute. you need some semblance of muscles to stick out. Apparently the ladies dig it because it makes them feel like they’re the pretty ones. Think of these as cardio for badass men. half of your work is done. and they actually like them bellies squishy. On the other hand. BUT NOT TOO MUCH Don’t work out for the sake of working out. badminton. but your aim is to be more functionally fit than aesthetically pleasing.” says Mackenzie Pearson of US hip news site theodysseyonline. then congratulations. or—hell yeah—a baby kambing. IT HELPS IF YOU PLAY DADDY sfhmphilofficial www. core. moving furniture around.. and arms. WORK OUT. If you’ve already sired an offspring. THAT DR EAM Have six-pack abs? Chin stwitter. . This will not only enrich your mind. Rather. adorable little creature to take your attention away from yourself. and life in general. a cat. WORDS: ALE X PAI TA 112 FH M JUNE 2015 facebook. The idea is to be able to eat whatever you want. TOO We’re talking about golf. Set aside at least one night a week to chug beers with your pals and engage in spirited discussions about career. Work out at least thrice a week. and basketball—the ultimate weekly rendezvous of cool dads everywhere. With FHM’s patented beer-gut acquiring

UPGRADE HOW I DID IT Former waiter makes it big —just look at the size of those sausage burgers I won’t forget the first time we discovered sausage burgers. "ACKTHEN.







113 FH M JUNE 2015


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it’s just a matter of how you get it to come to you. 4HATSSOMETHING THATMYUNCLETOLDMETHATREALLY STAYEDWITHME Budgeting my salary helped me save up money to finance this business.)TCAN BEASSIMPLEASGETTINGYOUR SALARY.)COULDNT EVENLEAVEMYJOBRIGHTAWAYTO FOCUSONSETTINGUPTHEBUSINESS Money is everywhere.



9OUDONTHAVEAFAMILY TOWORRYABOUT.THEY SHOULDNTMIX It’s better to set up a business while you’re still young.









com/fhmphil sfhmphilofficial If you really want your own business. 4HERESPLENTYOF OPPORTUNITIESOUT THERE)FYOUDONT CHANGEANYTHING NOW. you just have to do stwitter.SO)HADTOSTEPAWAY FROMTHATJOBANDTAKEABIG SACRIlCEˆNOMORETH MONTH facebook.




so take that chance. $ONTBEAFRAID.NOMOREVACATIONLEAVES"UT ITHASBEENWORTHIT You’ll never really know until you try.






(You can even fit a laptop bag on top of the two-way center console box if you want to keep your valuables stwitter. or actually pretty trippy—depending on your age group or how much alcohol you’ve consumed.fhm. everything you touch inside feels soft and squishy—from the leather-clad seats and steering wheel to the front panels and power sliding doors. It’s billed as a first-class ride. Between the driver and the front passenger is a partition wide enough to ultimately prevent jostling for premium elbow And unlike most seven114 FH M JUNE 2015 seater cars. are we talking about seven fullsized adults? Make that seven adults raised on Cherifer. The On the second row. the Alphard has mood-enhancing white pin lights and a linear lighting that you can change into 16 different hues (for some reason. you may tell them this new model is 45mm longer and 25mm wider than that secondhand old Alphard model they’re eyeing on OLX. too. There’s a lot of space to move around. with a baggage allowance of two pang-abroad suitcases each. But isn’t the interior made mostly of plastic like most cars these days? Oh no. If anyone bothers to ask. the Alphard’s third row can fit three grown men comfortably. Compared from the previous model. The interior screams high society through and through. the new Alphard’s front chrome grille has been supersized and made to look much more badass. You can tell from its bold stance alone that this is a true gentleman’s ride. we found ourselves highly favoring sky blue). won’t I be mistaken for a soccer mom? Absolutely not. It’s sfhmphilofficial Can my neighbors easily distinguish this from the previous Alphard? For sure they can. executive-class captain seats equipped with adjustable footrests and a collapsible food and drink tray in between. wing-shaped taillamps and magnified rear windshield are telltale signs too. But driving this around. facebook. there are two fully automatic. it . those nosy neighbors of yours. Under the hood. Off with “basic” yellow lamps.UPGRADE High Society Calling all alta de sociedad and road warriors who want to keep it classy: your new Toyota Alphard has arrived DESIRABILITY METER THE BIG QUESTIONS When you say seven seater.

it glides smoothly even at high RPMs—a feature that antukin passengers will. but will I have enough money left to gas it up www. I may be able to buy this from my L300 THE ELITE on the regular? Normally. Handling steep and sharp curves like the infamous Bitukang Manok seemed like a menial task to this steed. it wouldn’t be a problem if one day mom decides to borrow this for mahjong night with her amigas. as we tested on the punishing roads to Bicol. it’s a real pleaser in the maneuverability department. Double wishbone with stabilizer (rear) FTW Toyota Alphard Ford E100 Chrysler Town & Country WTF packs a punch with a powerful V6 engine. But what people won’t easily see stwitter. That being said.700rpm Engine Six-cylinder in-line 24-valve DOHC with dual VVT-i engine Price sfhmphilofficial JUNE 2015 FH M 115 . Vibration and Harshness (NVH) insulation. with lots of storage bins and legroom for longlegged people Torque 340Nm@ 4.000 for two full tanks is significantly cheaper than seven two-way flights to any destination in the country. drool over.PHOTOGRAPHY: IGOR MAMINTA. 2) You’re a businessman and are in fact in this issue’s “How I Did It” page. any of the following holds true: 1) You’re a high-ranking government official with gas allowance care of taxpayers’ money. the Alphard exceeded our low expectations with regard to fuel economy. PAITA Household Names Popular Pinoy family vans sorted according to price THE POPULACE Power 275Ps@ 6.200rpm Space Seats seven Interior Leather power seats. the thing with luxury vehicles like this is.fhm. 3) You’re an A-list celeb of Marian Rivera or Daniel Padilla levels. facebook. But believe it or not. erm. Its six-cylinder in-line 24-valve DOHC with dual VVT-i engine works wonders to log up to 9km/L gas mileage on the highway. despite its if you’re able to afford one. At any cost. P6. ALEX C. PAITA WORDS: ALEX C. And with enhanced million Top speed 160kph Kia Besta/Pregio Toyota HiAce Average economy 9km/L Mercedes MB100 Hyundai Starex Honda Odyssey Suspension MacPherson Strut with Stabilizer (front).

The Runtastic Orbit is a 24-hour WORDS: CHISE It holds the world record for the slimmest smartphone in the market. Gionee BEDPHONES ON-EAR SLEEP HEADPHONES facebook.lazada. It also has a decent camera with a wide range for taking travelling pictures and selfies. PHOTOGRAPHY (RUNTASTIC): MARK JESALVA GIONEE ELIFE S5. it also packs a ton of features that makes it an easy carry-around gadget—like its Glove Mode that automatically locks its interface whenever you put it inside your pocket.499. TheFactoryDepot RUNTASTIC ORBIT 116 FH M JUNE 2015 P IN G F O R S L E E E T IT ? . it knows when you’ve been sfhmphilofficial www. sexier you F IT S BREAST ! POCKETS 03 01 02 It knows when you’re sleeping. It’s very useful in monitoring your all-around health and lifestyle.8mm wide. Bedphones’ design focuses on maximum comfort by providing “infinite adjustability” to fit your weirdshaped ears. and with its data easily transferable to your smart phone via bluetooth—any lo-tech caveman/fitness buff will love it. and with width a fourth of an inch. Score for: P1. Gionee’s ELIFE is already living the dream. without having to feel like you have anything crammed over your ears. it’s like having a health nut Santa Claus on your wrist.fhm. Score for: P7. it knows when you’re awake.UPGRADE Slim Fits T HO E TA L M Sexy tech wearables for a newer. But the phone’s not only lean. Score for: P12.1 . with a sexy frame that’s only stwitter. they’re the thinnest earphones available on the market to date. So basically. fitness and sleep tracker.G S O U N D LY While most people have the goal to slim Lets you disappear in your own bedsheet

BMR. It measures “ And the worlds thinnest. emiota. 4K TE L E V I S I O N Bravia X90C (4.623. and AMR” (for all you number-crunching people) It also nudges you to get up whenever you’ve been lounging on the couch for too long. muscle and bone mass.fhm.05 06 If you really want to know more about how your body is responding to the workouts you’ve been doing (or lack thereof). and gives you health and lifestyle advice through an app that it can sync with. so there’s a personalized flow to your development.1mm) TA B L E T Dell Venue 8 7000 (6mm) W AT C H CST-01 ( JUNE 2015 FH M 117 . Belty is a belt (ay. GPS system. And what better way to keep track of all that time than with the Runtastic Watch and Heart Rate Monitor. Score for: TBA. expands. the open field. and training zone monitors. Ah.5mm) facebook. Score for: and all the time in the RUNTASTIC LIBRA BODY ANALYSIS SCALE RUNTASTIC WATCH AND HEART RATE MONITOR THE SMART N S IN T U R O 04 BELTY www. then the LIBRA is the perfect scale for you. body fat and water stwitter. With its good battery life. www. seryoso?) that automatically loosens whenever your stomach. the great outdoors! Nothing but the wind in your hair. It can also sync with your Runtastic Orbit and recognize and record up to eight different people at a time. the sun shining down on you.9mm at its thinnest point) KE YB O A R D Libre Wirelest Backlit Keyboard (5. you’ll probably feel Bear Grylls’ spirit take over you. www. This watch can keep up with the most active of outdoor lifestyles. Score for: P9.5mm) ILLUSTRATIONS: MARTIN COSME Still having trouble following your healthy routine? Buffets keep ruining your strict diet plan? Don’t fret! Belty will make you so self-conscious you’ll never eat wrong sfhmphilofficial LAPTO P New Apple Macbook (

SaveUp turns saving money into a game. voice notes (“Note to self. DROPBOX FOR MONEY EVERNOTE You probably have this app already.A SE ON NOT LE AP E CT P IO N UPGRADE * and just GTD ** The A-list of all-important productivity apps your phone will ever need…for now FOR ! S C IE N C E FOR E EVERYON TI MEFUL Timeful is different from other productivity apps because it learns your habits and automatically allocates tasks to your free time. you won’t need to harvest a kidney for that 64GB iPhone 6. get things done. documents. You can just store everything on the Cloud and access it from your phone. With a strong Internet connection. Got a bajillion photos? Like having all your MP3s at your fingertips? Need to collaborate with the peeps at work? Dropbox is your answer for all of that. but it still works. Most impressive of all? Google just bought Timeful. Expect it on Google Calendars soon. It’s powerful. sorry). So if you regularly binge-watch Daredevil at midnight. but are you making the most of it? Evernote has been around since forever. There’s even a food-centric version called Evernote Food. 118 FH M JUNE 2015 FOR STORAGE SAVEUP VINCE SALES Some of the apps on this list have been around for a long time now. turn you into an unwitting programmer. Just keep uploading. Some use behavioral Then you and the app can figure out where to go from there. you can suck up everything: images. but for now. or harness the untapped power of minimalism—or LEGO—to make sure . but they’ve grown new superpowers over the years and transformed into amazing new shapes. Timeful uses research as well as behavioral science to best predict how to set up your stwitter. But make sure you’ve got strong Wi-Fi or LTE for best results. Take this little app for example. With it. webpages. like buying yourself a new car. you can just download the Timeful app. start talking to phone like goofy. well. you name it. like the $2 million jackpot. You earn credits for making smart financial moves like plunking money into a mutual fund or earning from the stock market.get things done STFU! “Gamification” may have been a buzzword of yesteryear.m. You might want to make a note for that. eccentric genius…”). sfhmphilofficial www. That’s the tricky part. run over everything else to clear your schedule like a good assistant would. it can schedule every free night to that. You then use the credits to enter contests to win real prizes (US residents only. * . It’s smart. and it remains one of the best productivity tools available. Or you can tell it to prioritize your 7 a. Or use your saved up money for real rewards.shut the f*ck up! ** .fhm.

Think of it as “gamification” of your exercise routine. FOR S U IT S FOR JO U R N A L KEEPERS DAYONE LEGO CALENDAR Sometimes the answer to increased productivity is presentation. It’s a great way to make use of the bricks you’ve collected over the years.FITOCRACY TODOIST You can think of Todoist as a dead simple. Add a community of like-minded fitness friends who won’t let you lose. What? You actually hit the gym three times this week? Achievement unlocked. In a nutshell. It integrates with Photos. It even geo-tags your journal entries. Yes. . buddy. IFTTT lets you create a set of automated tasks based on simple If-Then logic. it’s time to go digital with this app. If you like the sound of that. this is what Fitocracy does. For example. It awards you with points. It’s a massive boon for work. then this could be a powerful tool for you. then you’re halfway there. FOR E E X E R C IS E FOR COD JU N K IE S MIC RO S O FT OF F IC E M O BI L E Microsoft’s recent push into mobile has had a number of surprising results. It syncs with iCloud or Dropbox and backs up automatically. Share your achievement with friends. Or you can think of it as a complex web app that manages to be everywhere you need it—your browser. One of our favorites is that Microsoft Office Mobile is shaping up to be an awesome app whether you’re using it for your average Word doc or collaborating with your officemates on a project. your phone. If Google tags one of my photos as a Google Favorite. FOR ADS B R IC K H E Unleash your inner Anne Frank with this journaling app. and it allows you to work and play with Lego at the same time. DayOne is like a diary on steroids. If there’s a game on. then notify me of the score. programmers. given that most enterprises choose Microsoft Office. All you need to do is show up and GTD. badges. then place phone on silent. Everything is awesome. and levels in the same way that your PS4 does to trick your brain into being rewarded for exercise. when you enjoy looking at your calendar and fiddling with your schedule. So if your old Moleskine journal is gathering dust. or anywhere—and perform zippily. minimalist tool that helps you get things done then gets out of the way. then get this app. Enter the Lego calendar. you’ve got that right: you are creating scripts for your life. IF TTT FOR GTD If you have the brain for it. After all. but it’s not a product (yet). post it to Instagram. and you’re well on your way to achieving your fitness goals/ dream bod. Some folks from Bit Planner even made a Lego calendar that syncs with Google Calendar via your smart phone’s camera. If Mom calls. Congratulations.

and told me he just had trouble meeting nice guys so he pretended to be a girl. via Facebook Should’ve stayed home Our high school barkada went to Tagaytay during Christmas break. Whew! Scarface. We sent faceless nudes to one another and then she invited me to have phone sex with her on Skype. We walked to the nearest convenience store because we were too scared to bring out the car in that area. I still have glass in my forearm and a gash on my forehead. we had our headlights on bright and we drove at 20kph to avoid any other mishaps. We decided to tell my parents the truth. Nakakahiya! Cool tactics I woke up like this My bagets tita and I were out having fun in Subic. we heard a loud pop from underneath the car. We pushed our car to the nearest gasoline station. one of the boys invited the gang to have an inuman session at his place. As I rushed towards the cinemas. I tried to regain my footing but I failed and charged head first into a glass door. She handed me a mirror—I saw a big gash on my lower Muscle recovery One night. We headed back to Manila the morning after. via Facebook facebook. via Facebook sober as they called the nearest hospital and provided me with first aid. I tripped while exiting her car and gracefully landed face-first onto the pavement. We arrived at our room. I was showing off my aesthetically pleasing body when a sudden gust of wind knocked me off balance. Some random nails on the road popped our tire. She was meek at first. He apologized over chat. I stood up in an instant and walked out of the area. We were having a lot of fun drinking and talking about how much bigger our biceps had grown since the last time we saw each other. but slowly got more adventurous. All she did was gasp for air and instead of talking. I slowly got up from my fall when I noticed a pool of blood below my feet. A lot of people saw she replied to me over the chat line. My boys all instantly became 120 FH M JUNE 2015 lip and one of my front teeth was missing.fhm. It makes me look really badass. I stopped the call and thought logically about my I replied saying what he did was wrong but that I understood why he did it. No ragrets. we decided to buy some alcohol. Heartless. Of course I agreed to it. and it wasn’t the best idea because it took us seven hours to get there. Seeing a potential hook up. At least that’s sfhmphilofficial I hooked up with a girl online. he might expose my nude pictures so I had to keep cool and be nice. including the guy who asked for a photo with me. If I got mad at him. Apparently. and played the semiconcerned listener for a while. On our trip back to the hotel. Exhausted. I slipped and fell to the ground with my skirt up and my floral panty showing. It took a while before I realized that I was speaking with a guy. We went for a drive the morning after. They just laughed at me. I didn’t notice that there was a “Caution: wet floor” sign just behind me. After he calmed down. we spent the night drinking away our sorrows and failed stwitter. Apple. I had too much to drink that night so I passed out right in front of my aunt. a fan approached me and asked to take a photo with me. I told him there were no hard feelings and politely asked him if we could delete each other from our contacts.I L L U S TR ATI O N: G I L B E RT D A R OY TRUE TRUE STORIES Losing your front teeth and other acts of sablay STORY Nika Madrid This one time I was at a mall with my friends. She looked worried and asked me what we should tell my parents. but I couldn’t stay for a small talk since the movie my friends and I were watching was about to screen already. I felt so foolish. I asked why. and just 20 minutes into the . We called each other. via email www. I agreed.