42 - The Epic Musical

42: The Epic Musical
By
Jeff Young, Nathan Fernandez, Helen Hodges-Hucksadt and

Matt 'Larry' Crowley
Based on The St Swiven's Day Escapade
Copyright 2010 DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT

US, YOU FIEND!
1
ACT ONE
Scene 1
At Aunt Helga's home. Helga is at the stove as

Esmeralda walks down the stairs.
AUNT HELGA
Kippers for breakfast?
ESMERALDA
Is it St Swiven's day already?
AUNT HELGA
'Tis.
ESMERALDA
Well then, we must travel towards the St Swiven's day
parade at 10:00 sharp.
AUNT HELGA
Indubitably. 10:00 sharp.
ESMERALDA
We shall put on our hats and coats and be there... With
bells on.
Song: With Bells on. Repeat as they walk offstage.
Scene 2
Aunt Helga and Esmeralda enter the parade. Lots of

colour and festivity going on.
ESMERALDA
Isn't this marvelous?
AUNT HELGA
Yes. All full of magic and colour and flapjacks!
ESMERALDA
Yes, flapjacks indeed.
Looks into the distance
Isn't that cousin Arthur and Matilda?
AUNT HELGA
Why, I believe it is. Shall we go greet them?
ESMERALDA
We shall, we shall.
AUNT HELGA+ESMERALDA
2
Over here, dear fellows!
They both freeze as Arthur and Matilda enter the

scene.
MATILDA
Isn't that Mumsy and cousin Esmeralda?
ARTHUR
Why yes. Yes it is. (Drunkenly) ESMERALDA!
MATILDA
Oh, Arthur, do shut up for once. You are too drunk on
rum and waffles.
Song: Rum and Waffles
Arthur and Matilda walk over to Aunt Helga and

Esme.
MATILDA
Hello mother, cousin Esme. It's been quite a while.
AUNT HELGA
Shall we re-unite over a cappuccino and a Danish
Pastry?
MATILDA
Splendid.
Scene 3
ESMERALDA
What will you have, Aunt Helga?
AUNT HELGA
A slice of chocolate babka with a sachet of cream on
the side. And yourself?
ESMERALDA
I'll have the raisin bread with whipped butter.
AUNT HELGA
So, how is Grandpappy Alex?
MATILDA
He is still quite under the weather with his RSI.
ESMERALDA
Poor Grandpappy. We should go and visit him.
ARTHUR
Yes, let's!
3
All start walking out
MATILDA
You do realise that we haven't eaten or paid for our
food, right?
AUNT HELGA
BUT GRANDPAPPY IS IN PERIL!
MATILDA
... Fair enough.
All walk out.
Scene 4
At St Swiven's Hospital. The group walk up to the

reception desk. The receptionist stands.
SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST
Hello, I am Simon. May I have the pleasure to ask what
is wrong with you?
AUNT HELGA
There is nothing wrong with us. We just wish to have a
babka with Grandpappy Alex.

One moment... (typing) He is in the 'G' block, second
door on the left.
ARTHUR
Why is it called the 'G' block?

It means 'Grandparents' block.
ARTHUR
Marvelous.
AUNT HELGA
Many thanks to you, Simon.
All walk offstage in the general direction of the

hospital room.
Scene 5
In Grandpappy Alex's hospital room.
ALL
Oh, Grandpappy! We are so pleased to see you!
GRANDPAPPY ALEX
4
... Are you the room service I called for?
AUNT HELGA
Oh, Grandpappy, you have lost your mind. We are your
family!
Song: I want my babka.
GRANDPAPPY ALEX
Well? Answer me! Where is my babka?

(Over intercom)
It's upcoming.
A few moments later, Simon walks in, carrying

Alex's babka. He takes one bite of it, chokes, and
dies.
AUNT HELGA
(Sounding bored)
Oh, he died.
MATILDA
We should ring an ambulance!
ESMERALDA
We're in a hospital!
MATILDA
NEVERTHELESS!
Matilda grabs the phone, dials.
Hmmm, it appears to be malfunctioning.

Oh, you need to utilise the new emergency number.
ARTHUR
Well, what's that then?
Song: The number.
MATILDA
Uh... Can you say that again, but slightly slower?

No. You heard me the initial time.
Scene 6
In Alex's hospital room with his lawyer, Bob.

5
BOB THE LAWYER

As Alex's lawyer, I would like to say what a tragedy
his passing is, and I know how hard this must be for
you all.
AUNT HELGA
Don't worry, we hated him too. How are the papers?
BOB THE LAWYER

All in order.
ESMERALDA
Did he have life insurance?
BOB THE LAWYER

Well, that's no use. He's dead.
ARTHUR
Okay. Death insurance?
BOB THE LAWYER

He had none.
MATILDA
What about his will?
BOB THE LAWYER

He didn't make one. Everything's up for grabs.
AUNT HELGA
I'll have the babkas.

I've got his cream.
NURSE/THIEF SHICKELGRUBERMEIGERWEEBLE-ABLE-SCHMIDT.
I'll take his wallet.
ESMERALDA
Who are you?
I'm Nurse Shickelgrubermeigerweeble-able-schmidt.
ESMERALDA
You're... Who?
NURSE/THIEF SHICKLEGRUBERMEIGERWEEBLE-ABLE-SCHMIDT.
You heard me.
BOB THE LAWYER

Okay, two things. Firstly... Is that name legal?
6
Only in Turkmenistan.
BOB THE LAWYER

And secondly, let's just discuss all of this over a
babka.
AUNT HELGA
IT'S MINE!
Runs out.
Scene 7
At Flibble's Flapjacks, a fast food restaurant.
MATILDA
Well, I guess we should inform Great Aunty Fifi about
this tragic accident.
ALL
Mm, yes, tragic.
ESMERALDA
But ho do we tell her without upsetting her?
AUNT HELGA
We'll think about that later. For now, let's have some
flapjacks. Arthur, get me the carte du jour.
ARTHUR
... The what?
AUNT HELGA
The menu.
ARTHUR
What on Earth are you on about?
AUNT HELGA
The paper with the names of the food on it.
ARTHUR
(confused look)
Are you telling me to get you an umbrella?
AUNT HELGA
Oh, I'll get it!
Helga leaves, returns with menus.
MATILDA
So, Esme, what will you have?
ESMERALDA
7
I just can't decide between the croissant flambe, the

honey glazed garlic bread or the ham and cheese pinata.
What about you, Helga?
AUNT HELGA
I think I'll have a praline danish.
ARTHUR
I bought one of those at a butcher once.
MATILDA
A butcher? Where?
BOB THE LAWYER

Down on Akbab crescent, it's next to Ali Babka.
ESMERALDA
Go away, Bob.
I'm here too.
AUNT HELGA
Okay, so it's one ham and cheese pinata for Esme, one
praline danish and a cake and milk for myself, one
portion of... Skittles for Arthur and two orders of
borscht for Matilda. Would everyone like Flibble's
Flubber?
ARTHUR
Yes.
MATILDA
Yes.
ESMERALDA
Yes.
BOB THE LAWYER

Yes.

No. I mean, yes.
AUNT HELGA
You two do not get any.
ESMERALDA
Okay, so we will eat, and then traverse to Fifi's
house?
AUNT HELGA
Inextricably.
8
Scene 8
At Fifi's house
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Oh, that's terrible news about Alex. What'll we do
about the funeral?
AUNT HELGA
Let's make this simple... 42.
Song: 42
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Yes, that's lovely but it doesn't really solve our
problem. Would anyone like a babka?
AUNT HELGA
I'll have... 42
Music starts
AUNT HELGA
(Singing)
Let us make this simple, 42...
Music stops as Fifi yells
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Oh, put a sachet of cream in it, Helga!
ARTHUR
... In what?
Simon pops up behind window

I will also have 42, but I will counter you with 42
creams!
Awkward silence
ESMERALDA
Yeah, you can leave now, Simon.
Bob pops up
BOB THE LAWYER

I'll have 84.
Everyone else looks at the window angrily
Oh, I'm so sorry.

9
Bob disappears from behind the window, walks

through the door.
Better?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Well... No. Just leave.
BOB THE LAWYER

Oh, you son of a B... Abka.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Excuse me! There will be no verbal communication of
that sort in MY house!

Oh, be quiet you Foc...Cacia.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI
I SAID NON OF THAT! NOW CEASE AND DESIST FROM MY
PREMISES!
BOB THE LAWYER

Can I just have my babkas?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

(Grabs notepad)
Okay, so we have 42 for Helga, 42 with creams for Simon
and 84 for Bob. Now altogether, that comes to... 168
babkas.
Fifi leaves the room and re enters moments later

with an empty milk carton
We're out of milk.
AUNT HELGA
Well, isn't that just a spot of bother?
Scene 9
Back at Flibble's Flapjacks
MATILDA
Well, now that we're all here, we can finally discuss
what to do with Alex.
AUNT HELGA
Arthur, please get me the carte du jour.
ARTHUR
... The what?
AUNT HELGA
10
Oh, forget it.
Helga walks up to the counter. Greg is at the

counter.
(To Greg)
Hello, fellow.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Greetings, I am Greg L'astuccio! How may I assist you?
AUNT HELGA
I already know you, Greggy. You're my cousin.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I have told you many times not to call me that, HELGGY!
AUNT HELGA
Alright, enough of that. I would like 4 menus.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I don't have to serve you.
AUNT HELGA
I have a lawyer. He can sue you.
Bob, still in seat, looks at Greg
BOB THE LAWYER

(To Greg)
Hello.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
... Interesting choice of lawyer. Oh, very well, I'll
get your menus.
AUNT HELGA
And some complimentary flubber.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I'd more rapidly lick a cactus.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, very well.
Helga walks back, hands out menus, talks inaudibly

with the gang, and returns to counter
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Back so soon, Helga?
AUNT HELGA
Oh, stop it. I'll have one order of deep fried popcorn,
one escargot kebab and the Jarlsberg special. But only
11
if it comes with the free minenwaffle!
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Yes, yes.
Greg gives Helga the food, and she returns to the

table
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I just thought of the most ingenious proposal.
ARTHUR
... A what?
Fifi gives Arthur an evil look
ESMERALDA
We burn him.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI
What? No!
MATILDA
We stab him repeatedly.
ARTHUR
Oh, yes, I have a knife.
Reveals wooden spoon from under his jacket
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

No!
AUNT HELGA
We tap dance on his grave!
Evil laughs from all but Fifi
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

NO!! I was opinionating that we take him to a recycling
plant, and recycle his physical remains.
ALL
NO!!
All squabble
AUNT HELGA
QUIET! I've had a most excellent revelation. My sister
has a PhD in Memorial Service Planning.
ARTHUR
Uh...
12
AUNT HELGA
FUNERAL DIRECTING!
ARTHUR
Again with the umbrella?
Scene 10
At The Funeral Director's office. In the waiting

room. All of the gang are sitting down, when
Gwindolyn walks in.
GWINDOLYN ROMANOWSKI
Oh, hello. Are you here about Alex?
ARTHUR
... Gwindolyn?
ESMERALDA
Wait, who is this woman?
I was Alex's personal assistant.
MATILDA
And how do you two know each other?
I used to be married to Arnold.
ARTHUR
... My name isn't Arnold.
Andrew?
ARTHUR
Try again.
... Reginald?
ARTHUR
It's Arthur.
Yes, it is.
ARTHUR
So how are things, Ms Romanowski?
Romanovski.
13
Looks at watch
Oh, no! I have to be off. Sorry I can't stay. It was

very nice to see all of you. Goodbye, Archibald.
Walks out
MATILDA
You never told me you had an ex wife.
ARTHUR
(Speaking quickly)
So, who wants rum and waffles? Just me, alright then.
Starts to walk out of the room
MATILDA
Sit down Arthur. I think you've had enough.
ARTHUR
... What did you say?
MATILDA
You've had enough rum and waffles for today.
ARTHUR
That's it. It is time for Matilda's bereavement!
Song: Matilda's bereavement
AUNT HELGA
Look... On TV. It's that appalling cardiovascular
exercise video.
MATILDA
Let's participate.
All looking at exercise video.
ALL
(rhythmically)
It is not grammatically correct.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

You know, I think they're running out of ideas.
Simon enters the room

B Gerstenberg will see you at this instant.
ESMERALDA
I thought you worked at the hospital.
14

I'm everywhere. (Evil Laugh)
ALL
Uh, sure...
They enter the office
B GERSTENBERG
Helga, my loving sister! How are you? Oh, and it's
Francesca's girl, Esme.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Whatever happened to Francesca?
AUNT HELGA
Last I heard, she's running a monocle shop in Norway.
B GERSTENBERG
Intriguing. Oh! It's my nephew, Arthur, and his new
wife. But what happened to Ms Romanowski?
GWINDOLYN (VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE)

Romanovski.
All look around, confused
ARTHUR
Oh, she left me. But now I am married to the lovely
Matilda.
B GERSTENBERG
Well, I do hope she's trying to keep those awful, AWFUL
rum and waffles away from you.
MATILDA
I agree. They are awful, terrible things.
B GERSTENBERG
Anyway, what is your business here?
AUNT HELGA
Grand Pappy Alex died.
B Gerstenberg stand up and very gracefully pushes

in her chair. Then she suddenly starts cheering.
B GERSTENBERG
YES! YES! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR YEARS!
RUM AND WAFFLES ALL AROUND!
ARTHUR
(Stands up)
WOO!
15
B Gerstenberg keeps dancing for about five

seconds, and then suddenly stops, walks back to
her chair and sits down quite seriously.
B GERSTENBERG
Terrible news, I know, but we'll have to deal with it
eventually.
ARTHUR
Hang on, lady. You promised me some rum and waffles.
B GERSTENBERG
Did I? Oh, I did. They are... On that coconut tree way,
way over that way.
ARTHUR
Flapjacks away!
Arthur runs out of room at great velocity.
B GERSTENBERG
Well, that'll keep him amused for a while.
Simon enters

Yes. Yes it will.
Simon leaves
AUNT HELGA
Well, now that we have that sorted out, let us plan a
funeral.
B GERSTENBERG
Yes, let's.
ESMERALDA
COFFIN!
Awkward silence
B GERSTENBERG
Yes, we will need a coffin.
MATILDA
I think we should bury him at the shuffleboard courts
down the road.
AUNT HELGA
No, no. We need to have a proper ceremony first, in a
church, celebrating the good times we had with Ale-
All give looks towards Helga.

16
AUNT HELGA
Yeah, okay. But we still need to do it in a Church.
Arthur walks in holding a doughnut
ARTHUR
Which way is North?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Where did you get that doughnut?
ARTHUR
I don't know.
B GERSTENBERG
Well, just go down that flight of stairs to the...
Games room.
AUNT HELGA
But that's the dungeon.
B GERSTENBERG
I'm perfectly aware of that.
A wall clock starts chiming the B Gerstenberg

theme tune
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Pray tell, what is that noise?
B GERSTENBERG
It's my theme tune. Oh, won't you all stay for dinner?
ESMERALDA
That sounds exquisite, what shall we have?
AUNT HELGA
You pick a brush. You butter the corn. Then, you take
the corn, and you rrrroll it in a bowl of salt. At this
point, you eat the corn!
All give Helga strange looks
B GERSTENBERG
Are you suggesting we have corn for dinner?
AUNT HELGA
Not only that, but I told you how to make it!
ESMERALDA
Yeah, that's great. ...So, who wants pizza?
ARTHUR
I suggest pretzels.
17
MATILDA
Of course you do, Arthur. Uhh...
Matilda looks outside the window
Oh, look! Someone's handing out scotch on the rocks!
ARTHUR
Where?
MATILDA
On the rocks.
ARTHUR
I'm off!
Arthur runs out door, returns within 3 seconds

with a glass of scotch.
B GERSTENBERG
How did you... You know what? I don't want to know.
ESMERALDA
As I was saying, who would like some pizza?
MATILDA
Me.
ARTHUR
Me.
AUNT HELGA
Me.
Simon enters

Me.
B GERSTENBERG
You can't just come in here and- Oh, forget it.
B Gerstenberg picks up the phone, dials and orders

pizza. After a few seconds, she holds the phone
away from her ear.
They have a special offer on tonight. They are

providing free travel documents to a show called '24-
the not-so-epic musical'.
AUNT HELGA
That sounds acceptable.
MATILDA
18
So, let us go to the cookery in order to pick up our

flat sauce bread with toppings and our travel
documents.
B GERSTENBERG
To the B-Mobile!
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

You mean your minenwerfer?
B GERSTENBERG
... Yes.
All leave room.

19
ACT TWO
Scene 1
At the pizza restaurant. All enter as the staff

start 'Pizza Today'.
B GERSTENBERG
We have an order with Gerstenberg.
PIZZA MAN
(Gets pizzas and tickets)
Alrighty, here are your pizzas and your travel
documents. Enjoy the show.
AUNT HELGA
Have you seen it?
PIZZA MAN
Not personally, but it did get four and a half stars.
ESMERALDA
Out of what?
PIZZA MAN
That's not important. Enjoy!
All walk out of pizza place.
Scene 2
At the theater. All have pamphlets.
AUNT HELGA
This looks fantastic! I mean, just look at the
characters!
Reading pamphlets
Uncle Harry...
ESMERALDA
Eddy Ralda...
ARTHUR
Cousin Annie and her husband, Matthew Ilda...
MATILDA
Grandmammy Alexandra...
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Great uncle Fred...

20
Samantha the Secretary...
BOB THE LAWYER

Betty the Accountant...
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Georgia LoZaino...
ESMERALDA
Giordano Romanovski.
B GERSTENBERG
And C Grebnetsreg. It does sound extraordinary.
SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST (OVER PA)

Please enter the theater now.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Well, off we go.
Scene 3
Inside the theater. Several scenes are shown of

24.
UNCLE HARRY
Salmon for dinner?
EDDY RALDA
Is it not St Kendra's day already?
UNCLE HARRY
No.
Fade to black, then back up
MATTHEW ILDA
Oh, Annie, do go on. You are quite sober on water and
French bread.
Fade out, fade in
UNCLE HARRY
(Sounding bored)
Oh, Grandmammy Alexandra is alive.
Fade out, fade in.
ANNIE
So, how are things Mr Romanovski?
GIORDANO ROMANOVSKI
Romanowski.
21
Out, in.
C GREBNETSREG
Just go down those stairs to the dungeon.
UNCLE HARRY
But that's the games room.
C GREBNETSREG
I'm partially oblivious to that.
Fade to black.
Scene 4
Outside the theater
AUNT HELGA
That was awful!
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I totally agree! So unrealistic and unfunny.
MATILDA
When will people learn that jokes that don't make any
sense are not funny?
At this point, a man dressed as Jesus cartwheels

across the stage.
ESMERALDA
And all of those characters were totally unrealistic.
B GERSTENBERG
Too right. Who names their child 'Annie'?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I'm just going to get myself a drink. I'll be back.
Greg walks off.
ARTHUR
Well, I'm quite hungry. Whatever happened to those
pizzas we bought?
AUNT HELGA
I gave them to a passing ostrich.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Oh! I know a marvelous place.
ARTHUR
Whatever is it called?
22
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Ohio Roasted Poultry.
AUNT HELGA
Ah, yes. Oh, I could go for some ORP right now.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Do you need directions, B?
B GERSTENBERG
No, I'll just type it into the LPD.
MATILDA
LPD?
B GERSTENBERG
Local Placing Device. Everyone hop in.
Everyone walks offstage to the car as Greg walks
on.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Uh... Hello?
Looks around, realises they're all gone.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Oh. (Being obvious) Well, it looks like I'll have to
drink both of these colas by myself.
Gwindolyn runs up behind him, steals the cola, and

runs offstage.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Oh. Okay then. I guess no one will want this...
(searches jacket) Ballpoint pen!
Gwindolyn runs up behind him again and steals the

pen.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Damnation! This... $10!
Steals again.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
This Jacket!
And again.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
This 10 Gallon drum of Flibble's Flubber!
Gwindolyn backs up her car, lifts the drum into

23
the back, and gets back in.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Who ARE you?
Gwindolyn Romanowski!
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
You wanna go out?
No.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
*Sigh* You're going to get a restraining order against
me, aren't you?
Do you have anything else of value?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Not really.
Then yes, a restraining order will do just fine.
Gwindolyn drives off
Scene 5
In the car.
LPD
In 500 metres, turn left.
AUNT HELGA
This thing is really annoying.
LPD
I heard that.
B GERSTENBERG
Well, at least it gets us to our destination.
LPD
(Quickly)
Okay, turn right, straight ahead, right again, right
again, sharp left, roundabout, 3rd exit, right, left,
left, straight ahead, eventually arrive on roof of
destination.
B violently swerves, a few times, then the stage

24
goes black and many thunder, lightning and

hurricane sound effects are heard. This goes on
for about 5-7 seconds, at which the lights all
come up. They are all still in the car.
ESMERALDA
Spoke too soon, B?
MATILDA
What happened?
ARTHUR
I don't know but now I can say pi to 150 decimal
places.
AUNT HELGA
And I know the secret behind cinnamon scrolls.
ALL
Eh. Whatever.
ARTHUR
Where are we?
B GERSTENBERG
On the roof of Ohio Roasted Poultry.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Hey, that thing actually works.
LPD
Told you so.
B GERSTENBERG
Oh, silence yourself. Let us enter.
All walk offstage and several thudding noises are

heard.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, that's right. We were on the roof.
Scene 6
Inside ORP. Everyone is at a table, holding menus.
B GERSTENBERG
What would everyone like?
ESMERALDA
Well, let's see. Do they have flavoured beverages
induced with carbon enriched H2O?
25
MATILDA
Yes. Yes they do.
ESMERALDA
Right, I’ll have one of those then. And one portion of
oil cooked potato segments enveloped with sodium
chloride on the outer exterior.
MATILDA
Make it two. But I also demand the flying apparatus of
the poultry!
B GERSTENBERG
That sounds lovely. I'll have the same.
AUNT HELGA
I believe I shall have the fillet mignon and a glass of
chardonnay.
ARTHUR
But you can't eat an umb-
AUNT HELGA
Don't converse that to me. Now, what will you have?
All look expectantly that he'll say something

stupid.
ARTHUR
I'll have the duck a l'orange and have the waiter bring
a bottle of '74 Merlot.
All have a look of confusion and amazement.
Yeah, that's right.
B GERSTENBERG
And for seasoning?
ALL
(Chanting)
Soy sauce! Soy sauce! Soy sauce!
B GERSTENBERG
And for dessert?
LPD
I'll have some microchips.
Comedy drum fill
ESMERALDA
Why did you bring that thing inside?
26
B GERSTENBERG
If I left it in the car the populace might steal it.
ESMERALDA
Precisely!
B GERSTENBERG
Point taken. Let's just order the food.
Scene 7
In the car.
AUNT HELGA
Well, that was a... Mostly splendid meal.
ARTHUR
Hey, it wasn't my fault they didn't have any '74
Merlot.
MATILDA
You didn't have to throw your pocket watch at the
member of staff serving at the table.
ARTHUR
I didn't. I threw it at the waiter.
MATILDA
The member of staff serving at the table is the- you
know what, it doesn’t matter.

Anyone for after dinner mints?
Few seconds of silence.
ALL
Yeah, sure.

Wait, shouldn't you all be screaming right about now?
AUNT HELGA
It's getting a bit predictable.

Oh. Uh... Alright then.
Simon has a look of sadness on his face
Oh, by the way, those mints are 99% fat free.
All start screaming

27
Still got it!
Scene 8
Back at the house
AUNT HELGA
Well, it is quite uninteresting around here currently,
isn't it?
MATILDA
That is agreeable.
Greg quickly runs into the room
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I'm getting nuptial to Gwindolyn!
MATILDA
... What?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I'm getting married to Gwindolyn!
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Wait... How did you get in the house? I locked the
door.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Fifi, you lost that door eight years ago.
AUNT HELGA
Doesn't Gwindolyn hate you?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Well, we were discussing the restraining order and
things got a bit out of hand...
AUNT HELGA
You don't mean... You dropped the restraining order?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
What? No, I didn't mean that at all. I meant wink,
wink, nudge, nudge.
MATILDA
Oh, so we're playing charades now, are we?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Uh no. So about the wedding-
AUNT HELGA
When was the last time you changed your lampshades? ...
Oh, are we still talking about you?
28
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
(Sarcastically)
Of course not, Helga! We’re more concerned about the
state of Fifi’s lampshades, as this is clearly more
important to everyone than my nuptial activities!
ALL
Agreed.
Dinging noise
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Oooh, my raspberry flan is ready!
Song: Flan
AUNT HELGA
Excellent. Well, run! Run for the flan!
Fifi runs to the kitchen and returns with the flan
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Hot! Hot! Hot! This is very hot!
ESMERALDA
You haven't got any oven mitts on!
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I didn't want to hurt them!
Another dinging noise, Arthur falls asleep.
I don't even know what that's for.
ARTHUR
Cheeseboard, chalkboard, cardboard...
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I wish I still had my cheeseboard, but I got a good
deal for it.
MATILDA
What'd you get?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

An all access ticket to the planet Earth... Wait a
minute...
ESMERALDA
What, Fifi?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning.
29
ARTHUR
Wakes up
French Toast.
B GERSTENBERG
Oh, that reminds me. I've run out of padded nocturnal
devices.
AUNT HELGA
Why is that important?
Song: Nocturnal devices
AUNT HELGA
Lovely. Well, I was going to travel to the purchase
center tomorrow, would you care to join me?
B GERSTENBERG
That sounds acceptable.
ARTHUR
Let's all go. I require a new frisbee.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

And myself and Esme need something to do before
shuffleboard.
B GERSTENBERG
Smashing.
Scene 9
At the mall
AUNT HELGA
Well, it appears we were all successful in our search
for products.
ARTHUR
That Frisbee didn’t taste very nice. ‘100%
polypropylene foam’ my royal stapler.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Uh, sure...
MATILDA
What have you got there, Esme?
ESMERALDA
The new EyePhone.
Holds up a mobile phone that looks like an eye.

30
ARTHUR
I'm still hungry.
MATILDA
Oh, I could go for some Gorgonzola right about now.
ARTHUR
If only there was a Gorgonzola cheese retail outlet.
Walk around the corner to see a shop entitled

Gorgonzola-riffic!
B GERSTENBERG
Well that is the most serendipitous thing I’ve ever
witnessed.
AUNT HELGA
Unquestionably.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Oh, isn’t it discombobulating?
ESMERALDA
You can be proficient in articulating that a further
moment.
MATILDA
Indubitably.
ARTHUR
Does any of this have to do with me taking your curtain
rods?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

You what?
ARTHUR
Because I never have, never will. Oh, look at the time.
B GERSTENBERG
Oh my! We must return to my sanctuary! It’s almost
6:00!
AUNT HELGA
You don't have a watch.
B GERSTENBERG
Quiet, you. TO THE B GERSTENBERG CRIME FIGHTING LAB!
ESMERALDA
You mean the kitchen?
B GERSTENBERG
31
Indeed.
All walk backwards off stage.
Scene 10
Back at the house, with Greg and Gwindolyn
And then the fridge fell over, Greg put on a hat and
asked me to marry him, and how can anyone say no to
that?
All smile, Fifi starts crying
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I can't believe I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning.
Greg looks unimpressed
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
So, we were thinking of having the wedding at-
AUNT HELGA
What time did you drop it off?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Around 4:30.
ESMERALDA
Oh, my! You must pick it up at once. RUN, FIFI, RUN!
Fifi runs out
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Anyway...
MATILDA
Oooh, where are the danishes?
ARTHUR
WE MUST FIND THEM!
Greg sighs, then starts reading the newspaper
AUNT HELGA
Found them. They were in the dryer.
MATILDA
Well, that’s a relief. Anyway, Greg was talking.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
(Looks up from newspaper)
What? Oh yes, we were thinking of having the wedding at
32
the first place we met. The café in town.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, the one with the lovely babkas?
That’s the one. We didn’t actually know each other
then, but we both ordered the same thing. Food and a
beverage. We actually met a month later.
B GERSTENBERG
No, no, no. You must have the ceremony in a church.
ESMERALDA
Oh, you should have it at St Swiven's Church on Akbab
Crescent.
Well, that sounds beautiful.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

So, when were you thinking of having the wedding?
We were thinking February 11.
MATILDA
We must start getting ready!
AUNT HELGA
It's August.
MATILDA
Or so it would seem.
ARTHUR
And... What would be on the umbrella?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
... What?
AUNT HELGA
I believe he means the menu.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Oh. We were thinking a few bacon nuances with eggs
connotation for a starter, and then a choice of
teppanyaki cornflakes or a Palačinky.
ARTHUR
What's a Palačinky?
Czech pancakes.
33
ARTHUR
I'm not cooking any pancakes. What's a Palačinky?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
No, you don't understand. A Palačinky is a-
MATILDA
Don't waste your energy.
B GERSTENBERG
Anyway, who's hungry?
AUNT HELGA
Nothing fancy for me, just a few goat cheese tartlets
and a glass of 1984 Dom Perignon.
B GERSTENBERG
Alright then. What will everyone else have?
ALL
CORN!
B GERSTENBERG
Excellent.
B walks into kitchen, Fifi is doing a puzzle.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Checkmate, sucker.
AUNT HELGA
That's Sudoku.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Oh, very well, then. You sunk my battleship!
Helga sighs, B returns with food.
ESMERALDA
So, how many are invited to the wedding?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
About 150-200.
MATILDA
Really? You'll need some good caterers.
Not so. All we need to do is inject the entrees with
some sort of tranquilizer. They will all fall asleep
and be none the wiser.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
34
At this point, we hire a blimp from a downtown florist,

and off to Germany we go with our MILLIONS of dollars!
Greg laughs maniacally, whilst all give him

strange looks.
Oh, wait. Wrong plan.
MATILDA
Moving on... I have a surprise! I have booked us all
tickets to attend the 'Aluminium Cook' finals.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, I love that television programme.
ARTHUR
As do I. One time, I actually ate the remote during an
episode.
MATILDA
Arty, you ate that during improved homes and gardens.
ARTHUR
I saw a tantilizing azalea.
Oh, sorry. We can't join you. We need to pick out our
decorations.
ESMERALDA
Oh, very well then.
MATILDA
We must be off! The show starts at 7:30!
AUNT HELGA
What time is it now?
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

I'll just consult my sundial.
Walks offstage
6:45!
AUNT HELGA
We must hurry! Firstly, we must go to the bakery to
pick up our tickets, and then to the the-a-terrrrr to
attend the show.
B GERSTENBERG
To the babka-mobile!
ARTHUR
35
You mean your minenwerfer?
B GERSTENBERG
... Yes.
All link arms and can can off stage
Scene 11
In car, after the show
AUNT HELGA
Wow. What a splendid show.
ESMERALDA
Much better than that awful show, 24: The not- so- epic
musical.
B GERSTENBERG
I know! When will people learn that jokes that make no
sense are not funny?
AUNT HELGA
I wholeheartedly agree.
A large sandwich slowly flies across the stage
MATILDA
Oh, look. It's Robert again.
B GERSTENBERG
You know, Greg and Gwindolyn really need to get ready
for this wedding.
AUNT HELGA
I know, I mean they only have 5 months left.
ESMERALDA
Perhaps we should help them.
B GERSTENBERG
Splendid idea.
Scene 12
Multiple scenes set up on stage.
VOICE OVER
2 Months Later.
MATILDA
What sort of cake are you having?
36
The first we had together. A rather large babka.
Black out. Another part of the stage is lit up.
ARTHUR
What will we have, decoration-wise?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I was thinking just a traditional wedding in a church.
ARTHUR
Oh, good. That'll go down well.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Why do you say that?
ARTHUR
I invited Jesus.
Black out, other part of stage.
VOICE OVER
One week before the wedding.
At wedding dress store
AUNT HELGA
I’m overjoyed that you… Forced me to choose your
wedding dress, Gwindolyn.
I knew you'd be pleased.
AUNT HELGA
Yeah. Oooh, what about this dress?
That's an alligator costume.
AUNT HELGA
Are you saying I lack style?
No, not at all. I wore an alligator costume to my
cousin's Bar Mitzvah. I just don't think it would match
Greg's antlers.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, yes. Remind me to hide those on the day.
Shall do.
37
AUNT HELGA
Well, if that’s how you feel, then fine, the alligator
costume will be sent to the incinerator. BURN IT! BURN
IT!
Hmm… Maybe I should’ve chosen Matilda to come with me.
AUNT HELGA
Nonetheless, I’m here to stay now. And also, when are
you going to pay me back for that chicken croquette I
bought you on Tuesday?
I'll give you the money as soon as my cheque arrives.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, very well. Oh look, a shop assistant.
(Yelling from other side of the stage)
MAY I BE OF ASSISTANCE?
AUNT HELGA
(Also yelling)
YES! WE WOULD LIKE A WEDDING DRESS!
Simon quickly runs over to Helga and Gwindolyn

so, you wanted a wedding dress?
Indeed.

Hmm… I think we’re out of those. So, what date were you
having the wedding?
February 11th. At 4:20pm.

And the venue?
AUNT HELGA
St Swiven's Church, on Akbab Crescent.

Lovely. Well, I’ll go looking for that wedding dress
for you.
Simon walks off stage

38
Oh, my, this… This is beautiful.
Walks offstage with Helga
AUNT HELGA
My, that is wonderful. We must get this one.
Checks out at a cash register, store clerk says

the price ($420.00) and a door is heard closing.
Simon walks on.

Yes, I'm sorry, it appears we actually are out of
wedding dresses.
Looks up, realises they're gone.

Bob?
Bob the lawyer walks on dressed as a store clerk
BOB THE LAWYER

Yeah?

Did those two just walk out?
BOB THE LAWYER

Yeah, why? Is there a problem?

Well, yes, actually. There is already an event on at
that church at 4:20pm on February 11th. A funeral for a
Grand Pappy Alex.
BOB THE LAWYER

Grand Pappy Alex? But… Isn’t he related to…? (Gestures
towards offstage)

... Oh, no.
Simon runs off stage.
Scene 13
Back at the house. Gwindolyn is pacing
But, I don’t understand, how can the funeral AND the
wedding be on at exactly the same time?
MATILDA
39
Well...
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Well what?
MATILDA
I was the one that booked the funeral. I thought it
would be a nice surprise.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Well, surprise is right!
That ‘surprise’ of yours is as useless as an ox on
Tuesday!
All gasp in shock, Matilda starts crying

AUNT HELGA
Everybody quiet! Matilda tried to do something nice for
us, and this is what she gets? Do you think Grand Pappy
Alex would’ve wanted this?
ESMERALDA
Well, yes.
AUNT HELGA
Exactly! That is why we must not do it.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
But, Helga, this is our day and we don't want to have
to-
AUNT HELGA
(In loud booming voice)
SILENCE!
All remain quiet for a few seconds in fear.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Well, I guess we could live with having them both on
the one day.
Yeah, I guess it wouldn't be the end of Jupiter.
AUNT HELGA
Lovely. Now who's up for boggle?
Scene 14
Day of the wedding. Several scenes are set up.
VOICE OVER
40
The day of the wedding.
Gwindolyn and Helga's side lit up.
(From off stage)
Helga! How does my dress look?
AUNT HELGA
Oh, my blender. That is simply stunning.
Helga, you're looking at the buffet.
AUNT HELGA
I’m well aware of that. …Look at that. Croissants as
far as the eye can see.
What about me?
AUNT HELGA
Oh, you look lovely. I’m glad that you were my dead
great uncle’s PA. Come out here.
Gwindolyn walks onstage wearing a quite nice

looking dress.
I love this dress. It’s the best thing I’ve ever
rented. Now where’s my bouquet of flowers?
AUNT HELGA
Oh, it's in the fridge. I'll just go and get it.
Walks off and comes back on with a bouquet.
All of your favourites: Azaleas, chrysanthemums-
What's this white powder?
AUNT HELGA
That’s the self raising flour, dear.
Fade out. Greg and Arthur are lit up.
ARTHUR
How you going there, Greg?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Fine, fine.
Walks out in a tuxedo.

41
How do I look?
ARTHUR
Like a cross between a penguin... And you.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Uh… Thanks, Arthur, that means a lot.
ARTHUR
I know. I’m such a sentimental fool.
Fade out. Fade into the middle of the stage where

the whole group (except Greg and Gwindolyn) are
surrounding Alex's coffin.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Well, there he is.
B starts crying.
B GERSTENBERG
He owed me $50.00.
MATILDA
I feel your pain, B.
ESMERALDA
Well, I think we’d better go. Leave Alex at peace.
AUNT HELGA
I only wish he’d done the same to us.
SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST (OVER PA)

Would everyone please take their seats in the chapel,
we are about to begin.
ARTHUR
Well, that's us.
All walk offstage.
Scene 15
Everyone is in the church. All of the cast are up

front (Except Gwindolyn and Simon). Arthur is the
best man, Bob and Gregs (unknown) 2 brothers are
groomsmen. All guests stand up. All of the female
mains are bridesmaids.
'Here comes the bride' plays as Alex's coffin is

brought up the aisle, and is placed at the front.
Bad News (The funeral song) plays as Gwindolyn

walks up the aisle.
42
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
(To Gwindolyn)
Well, this is a good start.
Simon walks out dressed as a priest, and signals

for all of the guests to be seated.

Good afternoon everyone, I am Reverend Simon T.
Receptionist and I will be your priest for today.
AUNT HELGA
Oh, for the love of babka.

We are gathered here today to celebrate the wedding of
Gregory L’astuccio and Gwindolyn Romanowski, and also
to mourn the loss of Alexander James Flibblehiemer.
AUNT HELGA
Flibblehiemer?

Now, unfortunately, we don’t have an altar at the
moment as it is being redecorated, so if I can ask the
happy couple to step up onto the coffin...
Both GL and GR have a mortified look on their

face, and reluctantly step onto the coffin.

Do you, Gregory Arnulf L’astuccio take Gwindolyn
Baba-Yaga Romanowski as your lawfully wedded wife?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I do.

And do you, Gwindolyn, take Greg to be your lawfully
wedded husband?
I do.

Who has the rings?
ARTHUR
Those were yours?

Uh, yes.
ARTHUR
43
Oh. Very well, then.
Gives Simon the rings.

Greg, place this ring on Gwindolyn’s finger as a token
of your everlasting love for her.
Greg follows suit.

Gwindolyn, place this ring on Greg’s finger as a token
of your everlasting love for her.
Gwindolyn follows suit.

By the power that was somehow vested in me, I now
pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Greg and Gwindolyn kiss as crowd applaud.
Scene 16
One month later, back at the house. Greg and

Gwindolyn enter in Hawaiian shirts, wearing leis.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
We're back!
MATILDA
Oh, lovely! How was the honeymoon?
Spectacular, there’s no place like Hawaii.
B GERSTENBERG
Did you learn any Hawaiian?
Oh, tons of words. Aloha...
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Luau...
Pineapple...
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
It was so much fun.
AUNT HELGA
Greg, sit down for a minute.
44
Greg sits down.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Is there something wrong, Helga?
AUNT HELGA
Well, it’s about Alex. His last name was Flibblehiemer?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Yes.
AUNT HELGA
I’ve done my research. The original founder of
Flibble’s Flapjacks was Andrew Flibblehiemer.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
That’s right. Alex’s great grandfather.
MATILDA
You don't mean...
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Alex is the rightful owner of Flibble’s Flapjacks.
ESMERALDA
Well, what happened?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
I don’t exactly know. Alex’s father, Brian, was taken
under by new management. He got fired. He lost
everything.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

But... They can't do that.
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
No, it’s against the law. But what can you do?
AUNT HELGA
I'll tell you what we can do. We can sue them.
Sue? But.. We don’t even have a lawyer.
B GERSTENBERG
Then what do you call that thing going through our
fridge?
BOB THE LAWYER

Hello.
ESMERALDA
Do you think we have a case?
45
BOB THE LAWYER

Well, considering what they did is against the law… No.
AUNT HELGA
No?
BOB THE LAWYER

NO! NO! NO! You’re out of Muffins.
ARTHUR
What about the case?
BOB THE LAWYER

Oh, sure. Who are we suing?
AUNT HELGA
Well, it appears the current management is under a Mr.
Bob Carr and a Ms Jasmine 'Jazz Hands' Handleton.
MATILDA
Oh, them.
GREAT AUNTY FIFI

You know them?
MATILDA
Yes, I’ve had some… Bad experiences with them in the
past.
AUNT HELGA
Well, isn’t that lovely? Now, to call them up.
Aunt Helga picks up phone and starts dialing. The

other side of the stage lights up as Bob's office.
(In a very cheerful voice)

Hello, sunshine! We're going to sue you!
BOB CARR
I knew this day would come.
AUNT HELGA
Well, of course. It’s Tuesday.
BOB CARR
Aunt Helga, I presume?
AUNT HELGA
Indubitably.
BOB CARR
Shall we meet at the courthouse at 4:00 tomorrow?
AUNT HELGA
46
That sounds delightful.
Scene 17
At the courthouse.

All stand for the Hon. Yufitz Boris.
All stand
You're all out! I didn't say Simon says!
Yufitz hits Simon with judges mallet.
All be seated.
Falls over.
YUFITZ BORIS
This is case 042, Flibbleheimer vs Carr. Would the
defendants rise?
Bob and Jasmine stand with their lawyer.
LARRY LAWYER
Your honour, I would like to present my defence today
in a slightly less traditional way… Through the medium
of dance!
Starts dancing
BOB CARR
We shouldn't have hired the cheapest guy.
Fade out, and back in.
LARRY LAWYER
I call to the stand Mrs Barbara Carr.

Mrs Barbara Carr.
Brabara walks up to the front, and sits down.
LARRY LAWYER
Mrs Carr, what is your relation to Bob?
BARBARA CARR
I am his mother.
LARRY LAWYER
And can you recall the events of April 2nd, 2004?
47
BARBARA CARR
It was a quiet day. I had just come back from
shuffleboard when he came home and told me that he was
the manager of this fast food chain.
LARRY LAWYER
Did he say anything else?
BARBARA CARR
He said he got to test out his new gun.
Bob face palms.
BOB CARR
Oh, God.
Another brief black out, to fade in.

YUFITZ BORIS
I now call the lawyer for the prosecution, Dr Robert T.
Lawyer.
BOB THE LAWYER

I bought a whole new briefcase for this trial.
AUNT HELGA
Wait... Doctor Robert? You have a PhD?
BOB THE LAWYER

(Looking at briefcase)
I'm not sure what brand it is.
Yufitz Boris face palms.
Moving on. Your honour, I am here to present evidence

that these…
Bob attempts to count the main cast, then briefly

pauses.
… Many people are the rightful owners of the fast food

chain, Flibble’s Flapjacks.
Fade out, and back in.
BOB THE LAWYER

I call Gregory L'astuccio to the stand.

Gregory L'astuccio.
Greg walks up to the stand.
Now Greg. You are a current employee of Flibble's

48
Flapjacks. Is this true?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Yes, that's right.
BOB THE LAWYER

And who was your former employer, before Mr Carr came
into power?
GREG L'ASTUCCIO
Brian Flibblehiemer.
BOB THE LAWYER

Ah, Alex's father.
BOB CARR
(Covering his mouth, trying to talk like
Greg)
No, actually, it was Bob and Jasmine all along. I just
forgot.
All stare at him
Problem?
Fade out, in.
BOB THE LAWYER

I call Ilsa Shickelgrubermieger-weeble-able-schmidt to
the stand.
AUNT HELGA
Ilsa?
Crowd all talk and shake heads in confusion. Ilsa

clears her throat loudly from offstage. Everyone
goes silent as she walks on.
If you think that is crazy, you should meet my sister.
YUFITZ BORIS
Oh, yes? What's her name?
Suzannahmammolitidingy-dongy Shicklegrubermeigerweeble-
able-schmidt.
BOB THE LAWYER

Wow. Okay the-
Van youngendorfenhooverhausen.
49
Silence in the room for a few seocnds.
... Stein.
More silence.
That's it.
BOB THE LAWYER

Okay. Come on up and take your seat at the stand.
Ilsa walks up to the stand and takes her seat.
Now, what is your relevance to this case?
I used to be the vice president of the flapjacks place
before THEY took over.
BOB THE LAWYER
So you remember the takeover clearly?
Very. As I recall, it went something like this:
Song: The Testimonial.
About halfway through, they've heard all they need

to hear.
BOB THE LAWYER

Thank you Ilsa.
She continues singing
Somebody make her stop!
All of a sudden, an arrow flies out of nowhere and

strikes Ilsa in the chest. She falls over.
ESMERALDA
Well, that was odd.
B GERSTENBERG
Is she dead?
Yufitz looks behind the counter.
YUFITZ BORIS
Yep.
BOB THE LAWYER

Well, under those circumstances... I rest my case.
50
YUFITZ BORIS
Very well. Would the jury please conga out to make
their decision?
Jury stands up, music starts playing, and all

conga out with very serious looks on their faces.
Black out.
Jury is heard squabbling with sayings of 'they're

clearly guilty' and 'no! They're innocent' A few
seconds of inaudible talk, and one person says 'So
we agree' and the rest say 'yes'.
Fade back in.
The jury walks in and sits down.

YUFITZ BORIS
Has the jury made their decision?
JURY PERSON
Yes, you honour, we have.
YUFITZ BORIS
How do you find Robert Carr and Jazz Hands-
JASMINE 'JAZZ HANDS' HANDLETON

It's Jasmine Handleton!
YUFITZ BORIS
... For the crime of embezzlement?
JURY PERSON
We find the defendants... Guilty.
Main cast cheer
YUFITZ BORIS
I sentence the defendants to two years of Riverdance.
BOB CARR+JASMINE HANDLETON

NO!
YUFITZ BORIS
And the prosecution takes full ownership of Flibble's
Flapjacks.
AUNT HELGA
FREE BABKAS FOR ALL!
Everyone cheers
FOR $3.99!
51
All file out of courtroom.
Scene 18
At Flibble's Flapjacks. All in uniforms.
Song: Victory!/42 Medley
Aunt Helga walks up to a customer.
AUNT HELGA
Kippers for breakfast?
END OF PLAY
52
53

42 - The Epic Musical

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42 - The Epic Musical

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42: The Epic Musical

Jeff Young, Nathan Fernandez, Helen Hodges-Hucksadt and

Based on The St Swiven's Day Escapade

Copyright 2010 DO NOT TRY TO CONTACT

At Aunt Helga's home. Helga is at the stove as

Song: With Bells on. Repeat as they walk offstage.

Aunt Helga and Esmeralda enter the parade. Lots of

Looks into the distance

Isn't that cousin Arthur and Matilda?

Over here, dear fellows!

They both freeze as Arthur and Matilda enter the

Song: Rum and Waffles

Arthur and Matilda walk over to Aunt Helga and

All start walking out

All walk out.

At St Swiven's Hospital. The group walk up to the

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

All walk offstage in the general direction of the

In Grandpappy Alex's hospital room.

... Are you the room service I called for?

Song: I want my babka.

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

A few moments later, Simon walks in, carrying

Matilda grabs the phone, dials.

Hmmm, it appears to be malfunctioning.

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

Song: The number.

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

In Alex's hospital room with his lawyer, Bob.

BOB THE LAWYER

BOB THE LAWYER

BOB THE LAWYER

BOB THE LAWYER

BOB THE LAWYER

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

BOB THE LAWYER

BOB THE LAWYER

At Flibble's Flapjacks, a fast food restaurant.

Helga leaves, returns with menus.

I just can't decide between the croissant flambe, the

BOB THE LAWYER

BOB THE LAWYER

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

GREAT AUNTY FIFI

GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Music stops as Fifi yells

GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Simon pops up behind window

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

BOB THE LAWYER

Everyone else looks at the window angrily

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Bob disappears from behind the window, walks

GREAT AUNTY FIFI

BOB THE LAWYER

GREAT AUNTY FIFI

SIMON THE RECEPTIONIST

BOB THE LAWYER

GREAT AUNTY FIFI

Fifi leaves the room and re enters moments later

We're out of milk.

Back at Flibble's Flapjacks