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Based on 'Macbeth' by William Shakespeare
SCENE 1 A dark alley, and three transgenders are swaying. COOKIE When shall the three of us meet again? In thunder, lightening or rain? CANDY When the uproar is over, when the battle has been lost & won...
We just met yesterday skanks! What are you two on? COOKIE Why must you always ruin the mood coco. I had a fully fledged monologue prepared... And you just pissed all over it didn't you? CANDY Tranys tranys lets not get our undies in a twist. We need to meet Mcdreamy don't we? COOKIE Yes! Lets us make haste for here our time is going to waste. COCO We're going you old-hag! For I am fully aware of your intentions as you very intensely fancy the bloke do you not? COOKIE What's not to like? He's part Vampire. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a man our age? I'm not exactly in my prime if you know what I mean. He's 109 and I'm 101. It's a match made in heaven. COCO More like a match made in hell. Well I suppose you have made up your mind. But I have dibs on his best friend Banquo. CANDY Nooooooooooo! He's mine! COCO Does calling not mean anything anymore? CANDY Alright alright, they're both going to be hacked off anyway, I thought that's what all this prophesy nonsense is about isn't it?
All giggle. WITCHES (TOGETHER) Beautiful is disgustingly filthy and disgustingly filthy is beautiful. Let us float through the fog and filthy air. All cough and wheeze in the smoke.
Music: ‘Sweet Dreams’ by Marilyn Manson.
SCENE 2 MACBETH and BANQUO are strolling in the park and come across the three witches. MACBETH picks up a broken TREE BRANCH and snaps it in half. MACBETH Arrrrrrrrrrgh! Hayeeeeeeeee Ya! BANQUO How do you do that? You're so fast and so strong! I'm so jealous! MACBETH It’s an adrenaline rush. Google it. BANQUO And you're so young too! You're so lucky ! You get to stay in your teens forever!!! (sighs) MACBETH How would you like to stay in puberty forever? Lucky? COCO A drum a drum! Macbeth has come. WITCHES (TOGETHER) The three witches, hand in hand, Messengers of the events on the sea and land, In this way are scheming, scheming. Three times to you, and three times to me, And three times again, to make up nine. Quiet! The charm's going to bring things to a head. Wait..What? MACBETH
BANQUO How far is it to the town? What are these things With shrunken skin and wild clothes, That don't look not like they live on earth, Only are still on it? Are you alive? Or are you anything that man may question? You seem to understand me, Since you each are laying a scrawny finger Upon your skinny lips. You should be women, Only since you have beards, I can't say That you are women. CANDY slaps BANQUO on the face. CANDY So what if I have a beard? Never seen your mother's face before waxing her chin, have you? In appearance I may appear masculine but I assure you I am as female as your younger brother will be one day. COCO Let's get back to the point shall we? MACBETH Speak now, what are you? COOKIE All hail! Baron of Glamis! CANDY All hail Macbeth! The Thane of Cawdor! COCO All hail, Macbeth! That shall be king hereafter! MACBETH Me, King? You're yanking my chain aren't you? Who is behind this foolish prank? Is it Jacob? I told him I didn't mean to slap his mother...But this is taking it too far. CANDY No king of Scotland. It has been foreseen. Your future awaits you all bright and clean. Your destiny is waiting your return, For all around you will eventually burn. Burn? Burn what? BANQUO
MACBETH Your pee!! (chuckles at his own joke) COOKIE You will be less than Macbeth and much greater.
CANDY Not as gay as Macbeth, only still much gayer. (winks) COCO Your sons will be kings, even though you will not be king. So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!
Music: Something Wicked this way comes.
ROSS the messenger enters. ROSS Macbeth, the king has happily received The news of your success. And when he heard about Your personal venture into the rebels' fight, His wonders and his praises don't fight over What should be yours or his. Silenced with that story, And reviewing all the events of the day, He found you in the stout Norwegian's ranks, Not afraid of what you did or the Strange images of death. The reports came in as thick as hail and every one of them sang Your praises in your great defense of the kingdom, And poured such praises down before the King.
Eh? Dumb it down for me, Ross, please. ROSS Errr..King Duncan wants to meet you, he's heard that you've done a cracking job mate! He’s made you the Baron of Cawdor. High five! Macbeth and Ross smack each other’s palms. MACBETH Who's the man? Who's the man? You the man!!! SCENE 3 LADY MACBETH sitting on the SOFA and is drying her wet nail paint and enters Macbeth. Greetings Lady Macbeth! MACBETH ROSS
How was your trip?
MACBETH Quite fruitful, my dear. I come baring the best news, I am now the Baron of Cawdor. LADY MACBETH Big deal! Come to me when you are king. MACBETH But dear, King Duncan is visiting us tonight. And when does he leave? LADY MACBETH
MACBETH Tomorrow, as he intends. LADY MACBETH O, the sun shall never See that tomorrow! Your face, my baron, is like a book where men May read strange matters. To divert attention from the time Look like the time; have welcome in your eyes, Your hands, your tongue. Look like the innocent flower, Only be the serpent underneath it. The king Must be provided for. And you shall put This night's great business into my care, Which shall give kingly power and mastery alone To all our nights and days to come. MACBETH Save some of the theatrics for this evening, he digs this kind of stuff. LADY MACBETH Only look up clear; To disturb favor is to fear favor. Leave all the rest to me. Macbeth is seen walking into his chamber while Lady Macbeth is talking. Enters DUNCAN. DUNCAN This castle is a pleasant place to live. The air Smells light and sweet To our gentle senses. Duncan joins Lady Macbeth at the dining table.
Banquo is seen outside the castle.
BANQUO The temple-haunting martlet, this bird of summer, Approves this place by his loved dwelling places, That heaven's breath smells wooingly here. There isn't an embankment, painted decoration, support, Or quarters for rich guests where this bird hasn't made His loose hanging bed and cradle for its young. I have observed that the air is delicate In areas where they frequently breed and visit. Banquo enters the castle, and joins the others at the dinner table. Begin eating dinner. Macbeth is still hiding in his chamber. DUNCAN See, see, our honored hostess! The love that follows us sometimes is our trouble, Which are still grateful for as love. Herein I will teach you How you shall bid God to reward us for your pains, And thank us for your trouble. LADY MACBETH All our service, If done twice in every point, and then done double, Would be poor and single business to compete With those honors deep and broad that Your majesty heaps upon our house. For those of old, And the recent titles heaped on them, We remain your hermits. Errr... But I must ask you this majesty...You are king and yet so dashing! Forgive my bluntness but...Where did you get such a glowing complexion and no wrinkles even though you do not use Botox...you mesmerize me, your majesty! What pray is your secret? DUNCAN Ahh! My dear, since you are the hostess, and a fine maiden I might add, I shall not deny you this request. Well my lady I use viagra to great effect! Lady Macbeth, who had been drinking wine, sprays it out at hearing this.
Yes, viagra! A quick and easy solution! Gives me all the drive I need as well as keeping my skin baby soft and that glow which has so captivated you! I...I...ingenious. LADY MACBETH
DUNCAN Well now...Where's the Baron of Cawdor? We followed him close to his heels and wanted to be his provider of necessary things. Only he rides well, And his great love of us, as sharp as his spur, has helped him To get to his home before us. Beautiful and noble hostess, We are your guests tonight. LADY MACBETH Your servants always Have their necessities, themselves, and what they own, in elegance, To make their reckoning of accounts at your highness' pleasure, Still to return your own goods. SCENE 4 Lady Macbeth enters Macbeth’s chamber, to find him sitting in the dark. LADY MACBETH Why are you sitting here alone in the dark my lord? MACBETH Hmm...just been thinking...about stuff... LADY MACBETH Don't tell me you’re getting cold feet! Maybe I am. MACBETH
LADY MACBETH Well you better suck it up then. Cause I didn't just spend the last 30 minutes kissing Duncan's butt for nothing.
MACBETH Oh of course! I'll just go skip off to his chamber and kill him! Why not? What would be your weapon of preference, my dear? A gun? A knife? Poison? Or should I just show him the pictures of his son Malcolm snogging Banquo and shock him to death? LADY MACBETH Oh calm down. Stop being so melodramatic! It's not like this is a sequence from a Bollywood movie. MACBETH Well I just can't get myself to kill the bugger so I suppose you'll have to do it yourself. LADY MACBETH Why should I do it? It's not like I'm going to become King. You do it! MACBETH NO! I will not! And you can't make me! You were the one who made me go with you to couples therapy...So now you listen to the damned advice. LADY MACBETH Balderdash! Well...Isn't there any mature way of deciding who is going to kill him?
Well there is one way... Yes! What is it?
LADY MACBETH Both stare blankly at each other. Suddenly, start playing Rock, Paper, Scissor. Macbeth wins.
Damn it! Wooooooohoooo!
LADY MACBETH MACBETH Lady Macbeth gives him a dirty look and walks out of the room.
SCENE 5 Lady Macbeth enters Duncan’s room, where he is asleep.
The wine that has made them drunk has made me bold. What has quenched their thirst has given me fire. Listen! Peace! It was the owl that shrieked, the fatal bellman, That gives even the worst dispositions a good night. He's doing it. The doors are open; and the grooms, filled to excess, Defy their duty with snores. I have drugged their hot milk and wine So that death and sleep argue about them, to decide whether they live or die. Duncan is heard snoring loudly. Lady Macbeth approaches his bed with a knife in hand.
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans Boots with the fur The whole club was looking at her She hit the floor, she hit the floor, Next thing you know... Lady Macbeth stands bewildered. Duncan mumbles and starts snoring again. Lady Macbeth comes closer to his bed.
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low. Lady Macbeth drops her knife in shock and runs to Macbeth’s chamber. Woah! That was fast! MACBETH LADY MACBETH
No! I couldn't do it! I couldn't do it.
MACBETH WHAT? You didn't do it? Why not? Is it that time of the month again? LADY MACBETH I...I...I...Just couldn't! H...H...He reminds me too much of my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't get myself to kill him! MACBETH Your ex? I thought he cheated on you? In that case you should have stabbed him 50 times! LADY MACBETH No! I’m talking about the one I cheated on. So I Couldn't! You do it! MACBETH Ugggh! I knew it wouldn't be this easy! Never send a woman in to do a man's job! Macbeth walks out of his chamber, and into Duncan’s. Duncan is still snoring. Macbeth walks over to his bed. Macbeth holds Duncan’s nose and puts a pillow over his head, suffocating him. After some struggle, Duncan dies. Macbeth walks to the front of the stage.
We have crushed the snake, but we haven't killed it; She'll recover, and be herself, while our poor evil-doing Remains in danger of her poisonous bite. Only let the order of the universe be disrupted, Both the real and spiritual worlds suffer, Before we will eat our meal in fear, and sleep In the affliction of these terrible dreams That wake us up nightly. It's better to be with the dead, Whom we have sent to their peace to gain our peace, Than to lie on a bed, torturing of the mind In a restless frenzy. Duncan is in his grave. After the disease of his life is over, he sleeps well; Treason has done his worst. Not steel, or poison, Malice in his country, attacks from foreigners, nothing, Can touch him further.
SCENE 6 Macbeth walks into his chamber. MACBETH O, my mind is full of scorpions, dear wife! You know that Banquo and his son, Fleance, live. What's to be done? LADY MACBETH
MACBETH I don't want you to know, dearest sweetheart, Until you can applaud the deed. Come, night that closes the eyes, Cover the tender eye of pitiful day; And, with your bloody and invisible hand, Cancel and tear to pieces that great deed Which keeps me pale! Light thickens, and the crow Flies to his roost to the wood. Good things of day begin to droop and drowse, While night's black agents awake to seek their prey. You marvel at my words. Only stop for a minute. Things that are bad make strong themselves by ill. So, I beg you, go with me. NARRATOR Macbeth kills everyone who comes in his way, who could be possible threats to him for the future as well as those who grow suspicious of his doings. This Macbeth goes on a murder rampage.. Scene shifts to Banquo’s house. Banquo is sitting on a chair, reading Twilight. LADY BANQUO walks in. LADY BANQUO How many times are you going to read that book! BANQUO As many times as I like! Now budge off! LADY BANQUO You pay attention to the book more than you do to me! BANQUO Well of course I will...the book doesn't snap at me and keep asking me for money! LADY BANQUO Well I wouldn't have to keep begging you for money if you gave it to me willingly would I?
BANQUO Blab bla! Now can you please get lost! I’m on a very interesting part...Bella just found out Edward has been watching her sleep at night. LADY BANQUO Eww...What a stalker...uggh! Go ahead...Why do I even bother? Lady Banquo leaves the room in a huff. Banquo picks up the book again. Pricks himself on it. Ao.. Paper cut! BANQUO Just then, the phone starts ringing. Banquo picks it up. BANQUO Hello? Banquo residence. Hi! Who’s this? CALLER
BANQUO Well it's the man of the house speaking. CALLER Are you sure? 100% male?
Who is this?
CALLER Tell me Banquo...what is your favorite scary movie?
(curling the phone wire on his finger)
Hmmmm...I think it would be The Grudge!
CALLER Good choice! Don't you want to know mine? Sure! What is it? BANQUO CALLER
Scream. One. Two. And three.
BANQUO Is it? I haven’t seen it! CALLER Well you should really...it's got excellent reviews! Should I show you the trailer? BANQUO Ummm...Ok...I don't see how you could but go on... CALLER Do you want to die tonight, Banquo?
Tonight? No tonight won't work out...I have to see the season finale of The Bold and The Beautiful. I have to know whether Brooke is finally dead or not! How about tomorrow night? CALLER Tomorrow night won't do! I have to take my daughter to a ballet recital so no can do. BANQUO Oh blimey! We are in quite a pickle now! Suddenly, a man in a white mask like the one in Scream enters and starts chasing Banquo. Banquo is shrieking and screaming for mercy. Banquo disarms the CALLER and his knife drops to the floor. The Caller and Banquo start a cat fight. Banquo bites the Caller and he yelps. The Caller picks up a fork and stabs Banquo with it. Banquo screams in agony and dies. SCENE 7 The three witches meet again. COOKIE The cat with the streaked fur has meowed three times. Meaoow, Meaooow, Meaooooooow.
CANDY Three times, and the cow mooed once. Mooooooooooooooooooooooo. COCO The god Harpier cries. It is time, it is time. Waaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. COOKIE Round about the caldron go; In the poisoned entrails throw. Toad, that has spent Thirty one days and nights under cold stone, From whose sweat a sleeping venom was gotten, Boil you first in the charmed pot! WITCHES (TOGETHER) Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble. (x2) Something wicked this way comes. CANDY Fillet of a snake that lived in a bog, In the caldron boil and bake; Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, A black snake's forked tongue, and its cousin's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble. WITCHES (TOGETHER) Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble. COCO Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Witch's mummy, a gulf-like stomach, Of the rough sea salt glisten, Root of poison hemlock dug up in the dark, Liver of Christians not baptized, Gall bladder of goat, and slips of pine trees Cut off the tree when the moon eclipsed, Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips, Finger of a baby born dead Delivered in a ditch by a prostitute, Make the gruel thick and gooey. Also add a tiger's guts, For the ingredients of our caldron. WITCHES (TOGETHER) Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
COCO By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, to whoever knocks! WITCHES (TOGETHER) Something wicked this way comes. SCENE 8 Macbeth and Lady Macbeth are having a ball in their honor inviting all from the courts. Everyone is meeting and bowing to each other. Everyone begins dancing.
Music: Secret by The Pierces.
“Got a secret can you keep it? Taking this one to the grave. Well two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.” (Duration-3:48) While dancing Macbeth sees the ghost of those he murdered. He runs around in panic but they continue to be hovering around. Song finishes. Macbeth clutches his head, screams and runs out of the room, and into his chamber. Everybody in the ball is standing stunned. He is hyperventilating in his chamber. Lady Macbeth enters the room. LADY MACBETH What is the matter with you now? I saw people... MACBETH
LADY MACBETH Yes we all did didn't we? The room is full of people, you fool!
I see dead people.
LADY MACBETH Eh? You've been binging on hash brownies...I knew it! MACBETH N-no...I saw Duncan and Banquo and everyone. LADY MACBETH You've lost your marbles. I’m getting a doctor. Lady Macbeth exits, shooing all the party people out with her. Enters with DOCTOR. Doctor does a full examination of Macbeth. LADY MACBETH What is it doctor? Is there something wrong with his brain? DOCTOR I’m afraid it’s bad news... LADY MACBETH OH! I hope it isn't some STD. Cause sickness and health does not include that. DOCTOR No my lady. Your husband is suffering from two phobias, actually. And also a little bit of gas, I might add. LADY MACBETH Two phobias? How can that be? DOCTOR I am afraid so. One is called necrophobia, which is when a person has a fear of the dead. And the second, well, is eurotophobia. The fear of women. But why? LADY MACBETH
DOCTOR Alas! One can only guess. Well, the fear of women can be due to the fact that he swings the other direction and the fear of the dead can be due to some guilt of a kind. And the gas...
Yes well no need of the autopsy doctor. That will be all. DOCTOR Disgustingly filthy rumors are circulating. Unnatural deeds Do breed unnatural troubles. Infected minds Will tell their secrets to their deaf pillows. He needs the divine more than he needs the physician. God, God, forgive us all! Look after him. Take everything from him that he might use to harm himself, And still keep your eyes on her. So, good night. He has stupefied my mind, and amazed my sight. I think, but dare not speak. SCENE 9 We see Lady Macbeth standing on the balcony (front end of the stage). She’s singing My Milkshake by Kelis, while dancing. After sometime, a woman in the front row gets up and shoots her. Lady Macbeth falls down, dead. Adios, bitch. SHOOTER Shooter exits. We see Macbeth in his chamber, reading, when Ross the messenger enters. MACBETH Hang our banners out on the outward walls. The cry is still, "They come." Our castle's strength Will make a mockery of a siege. Here let them lie Until famine and the plague eat them up. If they were not reinforced by those troops that should be ours, We might have met them boldly, beard to beard, And beat them backward where they came from. What, dear sir, was that noise? ROSS It was the cry of women, my good lord.
MACBETH I have almost forgotten the taste of fears. There was a time when my senses would have cooled To hear a night-shriek, and my head of hair Would rouse and stir, at a dismal treatise, As if it were alive. I have had dinner with horrors; Horror, familiar to my murderous thoughts, Cannot once startle me. Why did the woman cry, dear sir? ROSS The queen, my good lord, is dead. MACBETH She should have died later. There would have been a time for such a word. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this trivial pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted The way to dusty death for fools. Out, out, brief candle! Life's only a walking shadow; a bad actor, That struts and worries about his hour onstage, And then is not heard from again. It is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. Ross exits. MACBETH Well Lady Macbeth, I know you are looking UP at me from where you are... Stage fades to darkness. SCENE 10 Lights are switched off. NARRATOR There are no secrets in life, just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface. Macbeth's sins were finally about to catch up with him. Members of the court, MacDuff, Malcolm and Ross went to the Palace to confront Macbeth. But little did he know. He was in his castle, completely unaware of the danger that awaits, is singing to himself. Lights fade in. Macbeth is singing and nodding along to the music.
MACBETH Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone, I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run, I'll be the Prince and you be the Princess It's a love story baby just say yes. MacDuff, Malcolm and Ross enter. Turn, hell-hound, turn! MACDUFF
MACBETH How dare you enter my chambers without my permission!? I am the King of Scotland. Now explain yourselves! MACDUFF I have no words, My voice is in my sword. You bloodier villain Than terms can describe you! MACBETH What's wrong with you? Have you lost your marbles? I KNOW WHAT YOU DID! MALCOLM
MACBETH W-W-hat are you talking about? MALCOLM I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER..!
Really? And what might that be? MACDUFF You killed our great king Duncan and faithful friend Banquo and all those who discovered these sinful acts. Do not deny it! MACBETH Well now that the cats out of the bag...nothing I can deny is there? But you fools, you have no proof. Therefore I am still your king and you’re still my subjects. And there's nothing you can do about it...nya nya nya nyaanyaaa! (sticks his tongue out) MALCOLM Yes we do not possess any proof. But, just like you, we can take matters into our own hands, kill you like you killed the others and make it look like an accident.
MACBETH And what makes you think that I was the ONLY killer...men? ROSS Yes we know of Lady Macbeth's involvement in your crimes. Just how stupid do you think we are?
Ha! Well then you are quite stupid. Meaning what? ROSS
MACBETH Meaning Lady Macbeth was not the only one helping me, young lads. We were merely the puppets, the master was pulling the strings. MACDUFF There's someone else? Who? A woman enters. It’s the same woman who shot Lady Macbeth. This is BETH. MACDUFF Woman, tell now, who are you? BETH I, sir, am Macbeth’s evil twin sister, BETH! (witchy laugh) All stand shocked. MALCOLM But it can't be...It just can't! ROSS We have never seen you before! Well duh! BETH
MACBETH Yes! I’ve been taking orders from sis all along. BETH So I thank you gentlemen for being so patient but story time is over and I have a spa appointment at 3:00 I cannot be late for. Takes out a gun and shoots Malcolm, MacDuff and Ross.
MACBETH Wow sis, you've got good aim. Straight to the heart. You should try for the Olympics. Beth points the gun at Macbeth.
Don't point that thing at me, lady. Or I'll tell mom on you. Beth doesn’t lower the gun. MACBETH Stop it! It’s not funny anymore!
You just don't get it do you! I hate you! You've been stealing my thunder ever since you were born! Everyone loved you. "Oh my god! He's half vampire! He's so hot. He's so cold! Ooo." Mom and Dad only care about you "he's so smart he's so special." I'm just the lame human no one wants to look at! "What’s so special about a human when you have a half vampire in the family, haan?" And you! You always stole my boyfriends. Every. Single. One of them. Even Jacob. And you knew how much I loved him! And I always had to do everything for you because you're amazing and you sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight! Read my lips-I. Don't. CARE! And now, I’m going to shoot you. Then cut you into pieces and then burn you. Cause otherwise, you WON’T die! You NEVER EVER make it easy for me! Even in death. Forgive me. You're just too annoying to live.
(crying like a girl)
I’m sorry! Its not my fault I was born flawless and you were so ordinary! And for the record, I didn't have to steal your boyfriends. They came to be quite willingly! Again. NOT MY FAULT. Oh, SHUT UP! BETH Bang. Macbeth’s dead. BETH I'm sorry bro, but you see, behind every idiotic gullible man there is a stunningly beautiful, intelligent, confident woman waiting to screw him over. Adios. Drags him out of the room.
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