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Ousting of Gimli

By
Garlen Lo

London, England
garlenlo@hotmail.com
+44 (0)781 455 1867

FADE IN:
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI run into an elevator just before
it closes. Aragorn and Legolas stand at the back whilst
Gimli stands at the front. They all face forward. All three
have regional British accents.
LEGOLAS
Hundred and two.
GIMLI
You do it.
LEGOLAS
Youre closer.
GIMLI
(sternly)
You do it.
LEGOLAS
Oh. Sorry.
An embarrassed Legolas reaches high up for button 102. As
the elevator moves, Aragorn softly nudges Legolas and
glances in the direction of Gimli. Legolas puffs his cheeks.
LEGOLAS
Er...Gimli. Ive been thinking.
Well, actually, me and Ara...
Aragorn violently shakes his head at Legolas.
LEGOLAS
...gorn have been thinking.
Aragorn is annoyed.
GIMLI
Again? Youll wear yourselves out,
boys.
Legolas laughs uncomfortably.
LEGOLAS
Er...Anyway...We were thinking that
maybe...er...You know how you
are...er...a bit...

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

GIMLI
Spit it out Legolas. A bit what?
Grumpy? Yeah, Im sorry about that.
Its just that Ive a lot on my
mind what with the war and the
recession and all that. Plus Ive
got this terrible fungus growing on
my -LEGOLAS
No, no, no. Its not that.
Its...er...well, you know, like,
how, like, you know, you,
got...er...like...for example...
Aragorn nods his head towards Gimlis axe.
LEGOLAS
...your axe.
GIMLI
Sheena. What about her?
LEGOLAS
Its...heavy...slow...excessively
wide...a bit ugly...sometimes you
smell...
Aragorn throws Legolas a look of disbelief. Gimli hasnt
caught on yet.
GIMLI
You dont like her? Tough luck. Im
not gonna change her cause you
dont like her,
(looking at the axe)
am I Sheena?
LEGOLAS
We dont want you to change her.
Its more, like...er...well, its
like, you know...er...
ARAGORN
Jesus Christ, Legolas. Do I have to
do everything around here? Right,
Gimli, we dont want you in the
group. There.
LEGOLAS
(muttering)
Yeah, what he said.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

3.

GIMLI
What? You dont want me in the
group? But Im an integral part of
it. Im Gimli. The fellowship, you
know, all for one and one for all.
ARAGORN
Thats not the fellowship.
Gimli is in total distress as Legolas sings the 1980s ITV
cartoon Dogtanian theme tune under his breath. Aragorn
looks sharply at Legolas who stops.
GIMLI
But...but...the fellowship is
everything to me. Ill swap my axe.
I didnt love her that much anyway.
ARAGORN
No, Gimli. Theres no swapping.
GIMLI
What if I trade you my axe for a
sword or few of your arrows? Cmon,
Legolas, you got loads of them.
Where do you buy them from? You
never run out.
ARAGORN
No, Gimli. Even if you did, whatre
you gonna do with a couple of
arrows?
GIMLI
(instinctively)
I can stick em in your eyes.
(quickly realising his
mistake)
Only joking. Ha! Ha! No, of course
I wouldnt do that. I would...
(thinking desperately)
help you...defend things...and...
(seriously)
attack your enemies.
Gimli darts his eyes to Legolas a couple of times. Aragorn
is shocked. Legolas is insulted. Gimli darts his eyes one
more time.
ARAGORN
Stop, Gimli. Its not just your
axe. Its other things --

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

4.

LEGOLAS
Youre a dwarf.
For different reasons, Gimli and Aragorn give incredulous
looks.
GIMLI
So youre a racist?
ARAGORN
I promise you, were not.
GIMLI
So you discriminate against the
physically disabled?
ARAGORN
No, no, no. I-I -GIMLI
Well, what one is it? You just said
you dont like dwarves. Are you a
racist or are you a disablist?
LEGOLAS
Were racists.
ARAGORN
Shut up Legolas. Were not racists.
I love dwarves. However...I dont
love you. Youre eternally grumpy.
Youre the worlds most stubborn
man. Youre incredibly rude. Your
not kid-friendly -LEGOLAS
They cant look up to you, can
they? Literally.
Legolas goes to put his hand on Gimlis head who karate
chops it away.
ARAGORN
Youve clearly got anger issues.
Your axe is a clumsy weapon. And,
yes, your height can sometimes be a
practical stumbling block.
LEGOLAS
And you have a beard.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

GIMLI
Gandalf has a beard!
Aragorn and Legolas exchange glances.
GIMLI
Does he know about this?
Aragorn and Legolas look at the walls.
GIMLI
Hes in on it too, isnt he? In
fact, I bet this was his bloody
doing.
Aragorn and Legolas stare at the floor.
GIMLI
Well, thats it then. If Gandalf
says Im out, then Im out. Theres
no point me going to the fellowship
meeting if Im out of the
fellowship.
They reach level 102. A bell rings and the elevator doors
open. There stands a tall man, long white hair, dressed in
white robes, a magic staff in hand, smiling, and warmly
greeting them with his arms out.
GANDALF
Aaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Aragorn and Legolas scarper. Gimli looks at GANDALF.
GIMLI
You lanky piece of wizard shit.
Gimli runs at Gandalf as the elevator doors begin to close.
Old Gandalf looks petrified as he is frozen to the spot.
FADE OUT.
THE END

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