IN THIS ISSUE WE BLAST ‘DEATH WISH |NUMBER 174 APRIL 1975 “The women who go around wearing padded bras, false eyelashes and phony twigs are usually the ones who complain, ‘There aren't any real men left!” Alfred E. Neuman, WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors JACK ALBERT lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, ERIKA HOLTON, DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS, the usual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS BERG'S EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Anxiety . coe 28 BULLSHEVIK DEPARTMENT “The Tommy-Red Seed” (A MAD Movie Satire) ... ood, DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT Young Dr. Freen . 1" One Day At A Bus Stop 31 Professor Bleent And The Floon Beetle Expedition .........40 FLIP/FLOPS DEPARTMENT ‘The MAD "Good News~Bad News” Book ... 34 GENERAL STAFF INFECTION DEPARTMENT AMAD Look At The Miltary .. nite 2 GRIMM REALITY DEPARTMENT More Modem Fairy Tales ....... oo JEST DESSERTS DEPARTMENT ‘Some Real Life Scenes We'd Like To See... 6.5.0 .e01.20 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy hol reese sonra LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail .......2....0e0eesee 2 MAKING ROOM FOR THE FORD DEPARTMENT ‘A White House Garage Sale 32 MANY HAPPY RETURNS DEPARTMENT ItAlmost Restores Your Faith When 38 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT “Drawn-Out Dramas" By Aragones MUGGER-BUGGER DEPARTMENT “Death Wishers” (A MAD Movie Satire) . 4 NARROW-MINDED DEPARTMENT ‘A Second Collection Of Extremely Thin Books 24 NEUMANCLATURE DEPARTMENT ‘Additions To The Dictionary . . “1 **Various Places Around The Ma VITAL FEATURES DEATH WISHERS. (MOVIE SATIRE) Pg. 4 SOME REAL LIFE SCENES ‘WE'D LIKE TO SEE Pg.20 THE MAD “GOOD NEWS- BAD NEWS” BOOK Pg. 34 THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ANXIETY Pg. 26 THE TOMMY “RED SEED (MORE MOVIE SATIRE) Pg. 42WHY KILL YOURSELF? JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE LAST ISSUE AT THE NEWSSTAND? SUBSCRIBE TO AND HAVE IT MAILED TO YOUR HOME! ~ use coupon or duplicate MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 ‘enclose $10.00". Enter my name on your subscription list, and mail me the next 20 issues of MAD Magazine NAME. ADDRESS. crry. STATE ZIP. LETTERS DEPT. THE GREAT GASBAG Regasding Stan Hart's “The Great Gas bag," 1. "stared at ie for a hour without talking’! Te was a bad enough mismatch fon the screen; Mia and Robert! What a felief to move on «0 the real people in “Alfred's Poor Almanac’! Roberta Kahn Brooklyn Heights, N.Y. Ie took me three Alka-Seltzers to get ‘The Great GASbag” ovt of my system! ‘Andy Hanas Baltimore, Md. NO SANTA THIS YEAR, VIRGINIA! ‘That's the sprit! Obligatory gift-giving is a seasonal downer; like being whipped ‘with a candy cane’ by Marley's ghost. Cheees to. Rickard and the Claus. That Refreshes.” A high cose of living "bless ing’! Shisl Probert San Marino, Calif As a Business student at my state col lege, I was thoroughly disgusted ae your “vile” artempeto eae "commercalization cue of Christmas Paul Hooson Portland, Oregon DON MARTIN'S NATURAL HISTORY agree with the Director filming "Don Martins Natural History Movie: The Great Golden Eagle"! A real bird is needed for the part. However, don't re place the field mouse. He showed a loc of acting savey and camera presence! Merete Stensig Copenhagen, Denmark MAD SOLUTIONS TO DOGGIE-00 PROBLEMS Al Jaffee’s "MAD Solutions To Big ity Dogaie-Do Problems” is an exqut sitely appropriate ridicile of the thought- lessness of too many dog owners, TBecnete Bade Denver, Colo Ie was dog. gone fanny! Sheldon Boren Fallbrook, Calif, When my dog saw Me. Jaffe's anti-do device che Snap-On Tail Bag, he coulda't contain himecl! Brad Seibel Washington, Pa 1 thought that one was a red! stinker! ‘Chris Rozele Glendale, Wis, Jaffee woulda’ have such great bod- ily control, either, if be wore a dog collar and least Greg Hamilton Omaha, Nebr. Thad my secretary make copies of it which I mailed anonymously tall of my neighbors and their doggrd. “sausage generators! Eli Barnete Marblehead, Mas, Jaffee is great a sha suf Kirby Beranek Dunedin, Fla Jalfec's inventive word which denotes stepping into dog-do is a shoe-in! Ifthe lich fis, wear it ‘Timmy Marek Bethany, Okla ecch! That disgusting article gave me the seven year “itch”! Barry McCollum Alton I Your “glitch” article was long over do"! Steve Holland Roanoke, Va Joffee With Dog Collar And LeashALFRED'S CHRISTMAS TREE "Thanks for the timely inflatable Chrise mat tee concept as detailed by Norman Mingo on your #172 cover, I'went iato production immediately and Tve sold thousands as of December Ist, My fiftecn years of perusing MAD finaly paid off! Hames Wace (Ofernighe Success, Led, Pine Blut, Atk THE LIGHTER SIDE OF STAYING YOUNG. Dave Berg's “The Lighter Side Of Say ing Young gave me permaneat laugh Phillip Kopp Seattle, Was. SO WHY NOT PARDON HITLER! am nutty enough ro enjoy much of the MADess in your publication. BUT...the back cover which equates the responsibil: ity for covering up a bungled burglary of 2 hotel room with responsibility for the Seaths of fifteen milion human beings (give or take a few million) is realy a seream, How old is the iden man for this reat gas? James H, Noble, MD, Lynwood, Calif So why noc...PARDON MAD! Richard Blitz Fair Lawn, NJ. ‘A DOWNERS... ‘A Downer I..." talking your mother into allowing you to buy “Playboy,” but when you get to the newsstand all that’s Tefeis MAD. Dave Davig Asheboro, N.C BLUFF THAT MUGGER! Why coulda’e you clowns have run Bluff Thee Muggee!” last issue, before T lost my pride and my pocketbook 1? Mildred Farnsworth Rochester, N-¥ I did "Bluff That Muggee!” simply by showing him my copy of MAD. Mary Allen Aptos, Calif. THE SIX MILLION DOLLARS, MAN! Low Silverstone inflation incrensad Billion Dollar Man, d Angelo Torces and the value t0 a “Six ‘Todd Malgatini Renton, Wash, I'd give Torres and Silverstone a bend for theie Bionic wiumph bue where can 7 seca replacement... ? Marcus Alvarado N Highlands, Cali Talking about “The Ten Million Ruble Woman,” what do they get for a copy of MAD in Rustia..? Bud Blake Rumson, NJ. ‘About ten yeor!—Ed. loose Addren All Correspondance To MAD, Depi. 174, 485 MADison Avenve 'New York, New York 10022 ARE YOU GOING TO PIECES? BUY.. THE RIAD JUMBLE -AND GET IT ALL TOGETHER! ~~ == (ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND, OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 75c ~ use coupon or duplicate - MAD 485 MADison Avenue New York, N.Y. 10022 ° THE | | JUMBLE |) BOOK NAME. ADDRESS city. STATE_____ zip cope. PLEASE [ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THE eet ‘THE MAD JUMBLE BOOK BOOKS CHECKED BELOW: (2 The Bedside MAB LL The Portabie MAD [CDAVE BERG Loo ot Living Sn of MAD MAD Per (The AlMNew SPY vs. SPY {The Oesnzation MADE The ity Od MAD {5)SPY vs SPY Folion Up File ike ma (Polyunsaturated MAD 53rd NAD Dossier of SPY 5. SPY The des of maD (The Recyled MAD (74th MAD Classified SPY ws. SPY Fighting MAD {5 The NonVoent MAD [CLAMAD Lok at Old Movies {2 The MAD Frontier (The Rip OF MAD {7 Return of MAB Old vies MAD in rit The Token MAD (D MAD-VERTSING £5 The Voodoo MAD The Pocket MAD CAMAD Lok a 1 1D Greasy MAD tut OMe Invisible MAD CIALIAFFEE's Snappy Ansners thee Ring MAD {5 DON MARTIN Steps out (DALIAFFEE' MAD Book ot Magic {sete waa [57 OON MARTIN Bounces Back {are ALIAFFEESrapoy Answers (The MAD Sampler CUO MARTIN Drops 13 Stores) ALIAFFE's MAD Menststes ‘SW, Wor ete. MAD MAD's Captain iz EyAragones's Viva MADE Raving MAD CON MARTIN Cooks [E]Aragones's MAD about MAD Boing MAD CLDON MARTIN Comes On Strong Aragnes's MAD Yours | Boavestonsble maa [5)ON MARTIN Carries On 5 Aragoes's in MAB Wo Test Sowing Wad CCUOAVERERG Looks atthe USAC} MAD for ater or Versa Thelnclgestible MAD) DAVE BER Loks a People 15 Sing Nong With MAD ‘5 Burning AD [Ep DAVE BERG Looks at Thines EU MAD About Sports owen aD (5) DAVE BERG Modern Thinking) MAY Taking Stamps ‘B Hopping MAD {CBAVE BER Ou Sik Word TE) MAD Wor Pover EIMAD Cradle Grave Finer | we camat eressomsie tr ease HENCLOSE 75¢ FOR EACH nore use ne U3. De ‘eso sen ea Cee (Minimum Order: 6 Books!) Seto fo ea. how at ‘or toey Orr preterad tse woot or ete.Hey! Coot Gi'me all Vet ————=See_| | I thought At least ‘t, Mant you navel Toray] | ie | | yous t'm an 2 $300 | | Let's | | You're | | gasp—my watch | | “see | | wearing | money—or | | my wire MUGGER-BUGGER DEPT. Because is what it’s like living in a Big these days, audiences everywhere are whistling and cheering as they watch a current movie in which a private citizen becomes a vigilante. In fact, sick as it sounds, law-abiding citizens are actually becoming savage— *F pecause youre = _Now,now, No, ra rather eo back ] =| Damn {Ws because 1 The muggers are fifty years old don't be upset, to the hotel where we itt of the big | marching to si ane) day. | | dear Locks | | can pulldown tne snaces |) wry [| demonstration! fay ‘rotest the ourowine'| [eventing | [and tun oft me ares |} me apse —— zat What do you say [Jixcess ‘afraid | [ Yeahs we make love |_| someone might | | Mainly,Here's a Thats all] quarted FP Thats very ing ft wanted I) Go get Bh of you. butt dont |f to know! cup ot Ml ‘need a quarter! |, Stick, coffee! nave money ON me! fy ‘em up Hl WISHERS That's very wise! In New York City, you NEED a big dog for protection! a What protection?! Jjj| Hey! Hand H) your money, or | he'll chew your |e ‘over all Listen, 2 off live in poverty Dewey eats Leet goed prot? = wait please? jou | Me hat’s No, a rt nt raat tanh! Who! pete Co amovtn | [cate Gy ects] [Peeks ae uae eee jelivere fant "2 Super. =e] ree Sai pe market in What? That you spotted er adress? | | New York ity that slivers!Well first the good news! The temperature “oday will bein the rmig:seventis, with no chance of showerst Oh, my God, Dad! absolutely terrible I sioply horeble! it's teat fall, hat shocking “thing! tent shocking? ‘Aren't you gonna DO anything! ur eel leads on Tlwon's eet worse! | the punks who killed track down EVERY killer, we my Wite and| | teenager who lives on || wouldn't have time to bust up ‘tacked my || ‘the upper West Side! ~ “crap games, or pot partes, Daugiter?’ t's not much to go ant [] _ or illegal stickball games! Please, Mr. Krazey! You have 10 understand! If we tried to [And the goodnews - Do you | nave any You know how afraid | ‘am to carry money in ‘New York! So | put 2 $20 Travelers Check in my sock instead! Then why are The best | Gee... doesn’t that make| you breaking way to | |W ugh to WALK? INTO 10! defeng | oe : yourselt LIT ] ® belongs =a to. Just to keep is to get met |] in practice!! | | $20 worth Hitting a: mugger with of quarters | | THAT don't DO much! ‘and put tem in your sock!Now. out here in Arizona, we have plenty of la ‘Sol don't want any of | ——————— Yyour Urban Slums! = Really? How come? Tacrenebee- Wala Toarats atv moe | [Couns evantwe cn | Ses ester ante,| | Cueto = | ou assignment pe | eee ut ‘Shows” we put on! we use | real {i al Tre dumb suckers! But qWwhy do YOU love ‘em? ood ‘and I've got’ 7) she's nothing badnews...!| | put'a vegetable! news ... [The Doctor says *‘ey! You ain't supposed to do that! Just my luck! I go and mug. guy who's never been mugged before and don't know what he's supposed to dot money ] Ymortest eager should never have done that! ] ae | [—Tswear... that's the first and last time i ever kill a mugger, and then celebrate by having a pepperoni pizza! ‘Shut up! A question like that is very destructive! THow come the entire Police Department is shook up over the shooting of one mugger, ‘but the kiling of Krazey's wi Reit’s really Er... say something! fantastic! What should say, What? That some you Mother. 01a ‘stranger came nes : to your rescue?1. Tteld you it wasn't safe to Fide the subway ight! Uannnght ‘overtime parking has dropped 63%‘sneak up on || I'd rather not have me, to Gee) Chiet, 1d rather Tying to || Unnnghl THAT's way ‘not have t tall him! f ‘ean ony tok us muggers tree weeks igure out that we couDON MARTIN DEPT. PART! YOUNG Sori EREERA MAD LOOK AT THJOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.GRIMM REALITY DEPT. ‘Some years ago (In MAD #173 to be exact!, we noted the objections of educators and assorted authorities ta traditional Fairy Tales which are filled with an assortment of dragons, wicked stepmothers and other strange creatures who indulge in murder, mayhem and other forms of antisocial behavior. At that time, we contended that even if violence and bloodshed in story books actually were harmful to impressionable MOORE *“MODER (That Are Even More Fantastic The Man Of The People Once upon a time, there existed a great land filled with hard-working and prosperous people who oyed freedom and prosperity. Through a system called Taxation, the people paid their elected leaders, took care of the needy and sick among them, and supported an army to defend the country in time of danger. The Law of Taxation was based on the idea of each citizen paying to the country a portion of what A man who earned twenty gold pieces would pay one of them, a man who earned forty pieces would pay three of them, and those who That country’s highest leader was called The President, and according to a legend popular among the people, any citizen, no matter how humble his birth, could one day become President. And, in truth, this had happened more than once. At’ one particular point in this country’s time, there was a President who had Fulfilled that legend OF course, he was paid great sums of gold for the labors he performed in this highest office in the land. He, like the rest of the citizens, was subject of Taxation, One day, his Council of Wizards came to him and said, “Sire, we have been studying the Law of seater shares in the seme fashion Taxation, and if you accept our counsel, you will bequeath part of the stor castle in the West to the grateful citizenry, and thus you will be required to pay only a few paltry coppers in taxation rather than hundreds of pieces of gold. The President scowled darkly at his wizards and declared, “I renounce this evil counsel! I who have come from poor but upright folks would act in scandalous error were I to do less than our ordinary citizens in carrying my share of the taxation burden! As leader, I must set ahigh cxample for all our peopl And with that, he swept the lot of deceitful ad: visors from the presidential palace and exiled them to the provinces from whence they had come. he had earned. earned a great many gold pieces would pay their of your life and your ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JRi children still need heaping helpings ot "pure fantasy” intel reading diets. And so we published “Modern Fairy Tales” (That Are Even More Fantastic Than The Old-Time Fairy Tales!) And today, we still believe that children love the unbelievable ‘aS much as ever. So we've taken another look around at contemporary society, and we've created this new selection of unreal episodes which we've entitled ... * FAIRY TALES Than Old-Time Fairy Tales!) The Wise Carriage Makers it concer had arisen and hhad to call upon all their collective wisdom to deal with the problems, which were threefold: Ow ing to the great numbers of people driving autos on. the roadways of the country, there were many fusing much death and injury. The czats of the oil companies had repored that the precious uid needed to propel the ears was becom: ing scarce and might run out. The Citizens in the great cities were having difficulty getting from place to place, while great highways were being built across the land with public monies. The auto accidents, Ralphus, who had studied these problems, t them the benefit of his knowledge, which he agreed todo. “What must we do?” The y 1¢ auto potentates cried ng man replied, “You must take all pains to make the autos stronger to protect the lives of the people. You must make the autos smaller in order to save some of the precious fluid for future tions. You must convinee the leaders of the I “Bravo!” the auto potentates cheered. “We must foung scholar,” one of them said. “I ther, “well each give a portion of to provide him the means ofThe Generous Minstrels ‘Once upon a time, there was a group of singers and musicians who had come together as very young people bound by their love of music. Through weeks and years of diligent practice, they became proficient in their art. As their skills grew, so did their reputa tion, and they found that people were willing to pay to hear them, Theic fame spread far and wide, their fees became fabulous, their performances were sold out to the very last seat, and their recordings were distributed around the world They grew rich and beloved, but wealth brought with it disputes and discontent. They drifted apart and spent their days battling about money. One day, after months of quarreling in courts of law, one of them said to the others, "Do you realize we'e all rich beyond our dreams? Let us return to the simple idea that first brought us together, our love for the music we've created.” ‘The others pondered this ad. vice and agreed it was sound. From that day on, they did just that. In gratitude for the love and wealth their millions of fans had given them, they de voted the rest of their lives to traveling everywhere, giving free concerts to all who wished to « The Rescue Once upon a time, scientists and doctors of the country came to suspect that the smoking of cigar cttes was likely to make people very ill and kill them years before their normal span of years had passed, They brought their findings to Washington to advise the men who governed the land. “Can this dreadful thing be 302” the shocked leaders chorused. “If so, we must act now to save as many of our citizens as we can! Quickly, let us eall in the makers of cigarettes and the congressmen from the tobacco-growing states.” All the makers of cigarettes and the congressmen ‘came and listened in respectful silence as the sci entists and doctors told their grim tale and presented the evidence they had gathered over the years. As they finished, one of the cigarette makers jumped to his feet and cried, “I propose we forget about this until we've had a chance to put our own scientists to the task of examining cigarettes!” A congressman from a tobacco state cried, "Yall tryin’ to wreek the ‘economy of mah state? I'm for liberty! We gota right to grow it, and folks got a right to smoke it” The rest of the gathering tumed and stared in- credulously at the two men. “You mean,” said an- ‘other congressman, “that you'd rather grow tobacco and sell cigarettes than save our citizens’ lives?” “Unspeakable!” cried the rest of the assembly as they Fell upon the two wretches and flung them from the room, ‘And so it happened that the tobacco farms switched to food and the cigarette companies went ‘out of business rather than devote their time, know edge and money to poisoning their fellow human beingsThe Author There once was a vast, cold land in che East whose people lived out their days without ever being al lowed to journey beyond its borders. The people ‘were not overly unhappy about this, it seemed, be caused they had known no other life. Their rulers fre stem men who became furious when criticized. Since the rulers controlled all means of communi cation in the land, there was little chance of public criticism to anger them, Then, one man began to write books about his country which were often very critical, And so, the rulers did not permit them to be read by the people, and cast the writer into prison to repent. Friends of the writer managed to send his writings abroad and they were published in other lands, to the great annoyance of the rulers. One day, out of angry eusi- ‘sity, the Supreme Ruler gathered the man’s forbid: den books together and began to read them for a clue to what caused the author's unbalanced and criminal behavior. The Supreme Ruler read and read, and at length summoned the errant author and said to him, "I have een struck by the power and sincerity of your writing and your depiction of grave érrors committed in our country's past. You are right. We must stop throwing critics into asylums and dungeons and permit our people to travel across our orders as they choose. It is so decreed ‘And so the people of the vast cold land were free from that day to come and go in peace. Most stayed, some left. The author stayed and wrote many more books during a long and happy life in his homeland ww The Careful Chemist Once there was a chemist whose task it was to con: coct new medicines for the pharmaceutical firm that employed him. He liked his work and delighted in finding ways of getting chemicals into people’s blood streams faster than chemists from other companies were able to do. It was a race, and it was fun. The chemist was especially fond of one project he had worked on for some years. This was a pill that, taken at bedtime, cured headaches and backaches, settled upset stomach, and gave the pill-taker a gen- eral glow of good feeling for a day or so. Remark able to say, this versatile pill would be extremely cheap to manufacture and thus th rm could expect to eam enormous sums in the marketplace, The board chairman had taken a lively interest in the new pill and had dubbed it “The Blahs Bomb. (One day the chairman visited the chemist’ labora tory, eager to learn whether the tests were complete so that he could begin production and watch the firm’s profits soar. The chemist said, “Everything has gone beautifully in our treatment of test patients One hundred per cent of them felt immediate relief after taking our pill.” “Fanstastic!” cried the chairman. Unfortunately,” said the chemist, “one half of ‘one per cent of the test patients suffered a perplexing side effect. They’ acquited rashes.” ‘Is that 30 bad?” asked the chairman. “The rashes appear to be permanent,” replied the chemist ‘Oh dear,” sighed the chairman, "Obviously we can’t in good conscience subject people to that risk ‘We have no choice but to abandon the projec.” And so the chemist and the chairman poured the flasks and bottles full of th¢ precious pill potion down the drain and looked optimistically to the futureJEST DESSERTS DEPT. SOME REAL LIFE SCENES WED LIKE TO ® SEE MW Seen. THE LOUD MOUTH‘THE NOISE MAKER |eTHE LITTERBUGSSHYaadawa GNnNoOFoAag ae STVUIaI TILS JaV GNV—GIOONW N3Id JAVH OHM S1VAIalT “OL SIM UNO AMV NYO NOX SAIAOW UNGOTE ATYHdNNH LAAGNH JO VISIAVHO FHL EERE, EIB UD mec UE NTC EL (EL RGU NTE 4 JUALIN UNO OL SNOLIMEILINOD LNVOLINGIS JOVI 3AVH VAL S3IAOW NOLLVLIOTaYa YOVIE PrevogoW Preuoy— ,,SCOOI LSWA,, 10 ANTWA THNOLLTLLON THI AUTYNO UIY ATAVLABOOY HLM SATLIO’S‘N OL TAINO | NAWSLHOVA MOV1d LNANIWOUd | a : iv avWAVHoW 40 ALSSGOW SHL a pao, 41139 33Y¥9VSIG NOXIN ONY JW 3a3HA “V'T'9 3HL 40 SNOLLVU3d0 HIAOIUIONN 1N4Ss399Ns _. $dNOAD WOOA GIOV GAWOOAD- THM MVUS22H I'l¥ 40 JONYY TYWNOLLOWG JHL Wy «Ae Be ak A SECOND MAD ae lo NARROW-MINDED DEPT. aSNLISY1 S.1I4O¥ SAVTd dOTd S.NOWIS TIAN 10 NOLLOXTIOD ALT1dW09 FHL ¥ GAOd NAH AALS AO SWI OISSWI0, au] neejsnoa ses, senboer—GNVv71 NO 3417 AW SOPOT wod—SMOHS AL A WOud SINTNOM T1avaoWan SNOIHSY4 S.NIW NO LO¥dH BOOKS _ wpe 9 ueMoY — do) up Guyfeyg puy doy up Buney a) Iwaddy xag yn S42qqrT UaWOM IHW OL aping 24n101d V PURO Mate kel. owt s[eIQ19uIUIO) AL jwad]oVUL JO Ammyuay r9yenH V eas ———Ea————— 9 1 Ww vistW ~ sasnva 7anLvN 40 aaia BAVH OHM suzaw2 si WIN $945 vuaqwya qHL SY Sanon CUYMOH “] a siondoud asia ‘UAIWAONNE 40 ngoTuv9¥ o =BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTERU 1 | u 1) i dG Seh3.ONE AFTERNOON AT A BUS 7MAKING ROOM FOR THE FORD DEPT. Whenever people move into a house and find that the former residents left a pile of unwanted junk behind, they get rid of the stuff (and make a few bucks at the same time) by holding a “Garage Sale”. And so, since we all AWHITE HOUSE ARTIST: BOB CLARKE: 100 COPIES OF 'MYSIXCRISES" 2:7 COPIES OF APPRONAATELY ONE Tow ; ae ONE TON 1 “MYSIK CRISES: a APE Brand New Condi Yh : en ‘sia || seb | || Raa. | MEMES | Zo Receae a }9° EAC NEW YEARS EVE PARTIES ‘slightly det i \ Ve 2 | is : rep oon CUBAN CIGARS Alva subshice ory it NO REASONABLE OFFRESIS ~ > | ONE SLIGHTLY SCRATCHED ) Actual, | ny name is edup =] Would y But tam Views | | “iam” | | amalarodie og] soucare ff heonty wean | | abetnn |: jseeoreiors an, ona fil manon fhacal | | imine mee oe theente |f Week!) | | some {| “ita 0 tonight? ames: oc reckert aa ith you! t amr Oh! Then What are to myself WEEK?I?. at anc 2) Sorry! | guess my iyourending | | andhavent || WEERU youcsnseeby (l rmattid Ri ‘frevious” § ee! | given anyone | | renyou | [Goodies shy wardrcbeme Bi 'Thaves’ Wlengagement ‘re you | |thechence to| Staying | been out close fiend of 4 oN mvct be i tatk-to me! |_| nearby! |! of touch!fe MY-RED SE he 2 don't like t ONE yj rt, [That's aut That's ould bet? | Jone fora swim together = i ‘and that i= ALL! ten! “A slave, accused of steal it's good Wel” Well [wny do you feet) | Because | always tert that — No ras sentenced to be hanged from |) they didn’t b 30 euilty about | [there was sometning that the | fl i | ler ‘a Tommy-Red Tree Before hedied, he P*) ‘sentence bi — |your Husbane’s| |_should have sald to protested his innocence, saying that the free would vindicate him. And ever since then, the Tommy-Red Tree has borne a ‘seed in the shape of a MAN'S HEAD!” him to be r death in that | = castrated! ear accident? |S That you loved him deariy?] — SCT ancharge of th Ministry of‘Okay: what is ityou want?[Good evening. [On |[ wit | [oxay,|[ tes [ Thats okay! We're | y going to close soon, le | Janyway! When you're rs ‘done witht, sip thedoor! [ We've checked out att | [But they're over a hundred fbados, which ‘he tights in the vieinty of Barbados | | means that Swearediove and and there's nothing | |" Miss Shaliow are atleast suspicious! Just one | | three hours out of harm's way. even with the high because ‘speed motor eruiser they Feannot immediately chartered! have you!‘And if | got | . THE HILLS ARE ALIVE © WITH THE SOUND OF MUSHERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS MAD FOLD-IN Despite the fact that courts all over the country are operating under the pressure of long waiting-lists, there is one special- interest group which is actually profiting from this overcrowded situation. To find out which group, fold in the page as shown. FOLD THIS SECTION ovER LEFT THE NATION'S JAMMED COURT CALENDARS HAVE THE TENDENCY TO SUBVERT JUSTICE. THIS CAN SPELL FINIS INDUBITABLY TO OUR CHERISHED DUE PROCESS SOPHISTRY Ay 4B FOLD BACK SO “a” MeeIS “8 4B