This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
Effie At The Wedding
Effie At The Wedding © 2011 by Tracy Marchini. Published by Squirrel Books. All rights reserved.
Effie At The Wedding
There are several reasons that I, Effie Green, don’t want to go to this wedding. First, I am dressed in a hideously pink silk dress. I didn’t even get this girlie at junior prom, and now my sister wants me to gently glide down the aisle in a pink so fluorescent that even the 80s would have rejected it. I’ve told Ophelia at least eight times that her pictures are going to look as if someone threw up radioactive Pepto-Bismol all over the place. She remains unconcerned. Secondly, I could sense that something was going to happen with Evan at Lisa’s party tonight. But now I’ll never know because I’ll be eating mini-hot dogs with a bunch of relatives I haven’t seen since I was growing out of my grade school uniforms at a rate of one per month. Lastly, when Ophelia gets married that means that George will officially become my brother-in-law.
The church is decorated in white daisies and long, pink silk banners. I stepped on the flower petals left behind by the flower girl as I walked up the aisle, trying to step on an equal number with my left and right foot. I tightened my lips and forced a halfgrimace (instead of a full one) towards George, before taking my seat in the front pew. I’m sure church bells are ringing, but my mother’s sobs are just loud enough to drown out everything but my own thoughts.
5 (Totally Selfish) Reasons I Do Not Want George As A Brother-In-Law
5.) My sister is only 20, and he is 29. That means he’s almost thirty, which means that when she’s forty, he’ll be almost fifty, and then when she’s fifty, he’ll be almost sixty. Too old.
4.) He just graduated med school. People never see their spouses when one is a doctor. And on Grey’s Anatomy, the doctors are always sleeping with the other doctors and nurses. Ophelia is cute, but she can’t compete with a tall, blonde-haired millionaire doctor. (Sorry, Ophelia.)
3.) He’s too nice. Nice is lame. Ophelia will be SO BORED when she’s like, 23 and realizes that her older, doctor boyfriend is too busy saving lives and golfing to go out clubbing.
2.) He’s too good looking. Again, the nurses are bound to fall in love with him.
1.) I will never be able to bring a boyfriend home without him also being a goodlooking, well mannered doctor. Which means that I am going to be single for the rest of my life, while my sister and her husband make lots of good-looking doctor babies. I will have lots of cats.
George and Ophelia are sitting next to each other on the altar while the Priest talks to us all about how we have to be open and honest with each other to make a
I had twelve bald Barbies with pieces of orange felt super-glued to their heads.) But when Ophelia leaves. She’s going to be making dinner and doing dishes and thinking about going back to school herself now that George is almost finished with his residency. . My stomach drops every time the Priest tells them that they’re looking at their new family. It could have been worse. He always smelled like dirty laundry and used to crack the stupidest jokes. When I was in sixth grade she taught me how to shave my legs. Brian always gave me the creeps. She hasn’t ratted on my friends and I for drinking in the basement. Ophelia probably wasn’t the best big sister in the world. But amazingly. but she definitely wasn’t the worst. everyone circled my mom and I. she would try to make Barbie wigs with pieces of felt. but that’s probably also because she’s getting us the vodka. he was the one to dump Ophelia because he actually found a second girl that wanted to date him.) And when I used to cut off all the hair on my Barbies.relationship work long-term. I thought she might marry her boyfriend before George.” I sighed. He tended to talk with food flying out of his mouth. Brian and Ophelia broke up when she was my age. (In the end. she won’t be worried about who might ask me to senior prom or have time to read my college application essays. and I once caught him going through Ophelia’s underwear drawer. Seriously! At the reception. standing face to face and saying their “I do’s. I looked at the two of them. (I have the scars to this day.
“Go!” she mouthed to me. My mom laughed. “So. I was just about to tell him that it was my sister’s wedding. I went to the bar. “A coke. but suddenly felt selfconscious about spilling my guts to someone who was clearly not much older than . who was beaming. “Effie has boys calling all the time. don’t you dear? And she’ll have even more soon.” I said. is there a special boy in your life?” She gave me one of those smiles and I knew she was thinking wouldn’t that be cute. as in. when I’m back on Weight Watchers. “I’m going to be a nun. so that didn’t count. my long time boy-that-is-afriend. He nodded and passed one over. Either way.” I scowled.” I said to the freckle-faced boy at the bar.“He’s perfect!” “She’s beautiful!” “You must be so proud!” I looked sideways at my mother. the boy she was referring to was Robbie. He was the only reason I’d been invited to Lisa’s party in the first place. Ophelia rushed over and gave Aunt Mira a big hug. My Aunt Mia turned to me. and I hastily made my escape. but didn’t have the nerve to try and order a real drink. “Why so glum?” he asked. Soon.
I shuffled between wedding guests. and finally made it to the women’s room.) She never dated a guy named Hamlet.) This might have saved her from a bad swim in the river though. she could have dated the Prince of Denmark. closed the toilet lid and just sat there. locked the door.) On the other hand. with plush purple velvet chairs placed beneath them. which is higher in rank than a doctor. sipping my Coke. Ophelia. Three (Totally Selfish) Reasons Why Ophelia Should Not Get Married Right Now 3. 3a. has excellent taste in bathrooms. crying against a coke on the rocks? So not going to happen. 3b. . which would have made her Shakespeare-loving sister extremely happy. How terrible would it be to be pouring my heart out to the bartender. The bathroom in this hotel was fancier than any public (or private) restroom I’d ever been in.” I said. “You’re going to be an excellent bartender when you’re older. who has terrible taste in bridesmaids’ dresses. I went into one of the stalls/rooms. nodding to people who I think I’m supposed to know.myself. I opened the door and let out a gasp. I took my coke and headed to the bathroom. It had rooms instead of stalls and a separate dressing room with mirrors that covered the full length of the walls. Some mirrors had little tables that jutted out from the wall.
But you’ll be fine.) You can’t double date with your older sister if she’s married. There was a loud nose-blow.” Mom and Ophelia laughed and I heard a door shut behind them.) Ophelia has only dated three guys. What if George isn’t the one and she doesn’t know and she’s divorced by 25? Then she’ll have to move back home when I would have already moved out. It was my mother. of course. That’s just weird. We’ll be fine. “She’s probably at the buffet. dear? You don’t want to spend your whole reception in the bathroom. I heard the door to the main bathroom open. “We’ll miss you. Are you ready to go back. When Robbie’s older brother got married.” “Where is Effie?” Ophelia asked. the stall doors went down to the floor so nobody could see my feet. once a year.2. “Are you sure?” It was Ophelia. Robbie only sees his brother like. My mom blew her nose again – a great big honk. That’s what they all say. 1.” “I’ll visit all the time. Probably at the buffet. “My girls are growing up so fast. .” Ophelia said. they moved to Florida. I snorted. Luckily.
I propped my coke on the toilet paper roll. and wiped my sugar-coated right arm on my dress skirt. I wasn’t worried about the dress – I was never going to wear it again.) I need her home to save me from Weight Watchers. frantically throwing the sides of my fists in front of me. anyway. I reached for the lock on the bathroom door. I’m going to be stuck in the bathroom for the rest of Ophelia’s reception. 3 Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Locked In A Bathroom During Your Sister’s Reception . It was a silver deadbolt. It still wouldn’t budge. I kicked the door. took the knob in both hands and tried to pull it to the right. I banged on the door. 1.) I need her home to be my big sister. and it wouldn’t budge. Nobody answered. “Damn it!” I yelled. flailing my arms into the cup of coke.2 More Selfish Reasons Ophelia Should Not Leave 2. I sat back down on the toilet lid. the Cabbage Soup diet and whatever else my mom decides is best for me. Nothing. which flew off the toilet paper roll and all down the side of my hideously pink dress.
was what I was eating. Before Ophelia was consumed in wedding-related bullshit. I hadn’t had a chance to grab dinner before going to the ladies room. I just don’t care if the centerpieces are six inches tall or eight inches tall!) Anyway. and how he’d never guess we were sisters (read: Ophelia is skinny). he was just some guy that sat next to me in science lab. and now I was going to miss the buffet and the cake. At least one Friday a week. I smiled and nodded and pretended like I didn’t know what he was really saying. further solidifying your existence as a future cat lady.) You can’t catch the bouquet. But I thought he was cute. before Ophelia was all about flowers and centerpieces and which color pink would look best on her bridesmaids. But I did.) You’re going to miss the cake.) Your sister won’t even notice you weren’t there. I invited him to come with us. I didn’t really know Robbie at that point. Of course. 1. who was dating who.) 2.(Even If You’re Not Thrilled She’s Getting Married. the next day in lab all he could talk about was how pretty Ophelia was. (Shut up. I like cake. My stomach growled. We would talk about some of our mutual high school friends. or how she liked working at the hospital. I invited Robbie to join us. Or how much I was eating. He was saying that he . she and I used to do a Friday night dinner. One of the things we never talked about. (I’m sorry. I could eat guilt-free.) 3. When I was a freshman and Ophelia was a senior. and so when I was talking to Ophelia in the hallway and he stopped to ask for earth science help.
Probably best-friends. “Obesity kills. Grandma started to cough again. we’re still second-best-friends. or frantically waving . and poke at my fat with the other. I heard the music get a bit louder as the door swung open. I heard the hacking cough of my grandmother. you know. She could never just sit still. And even though my stomach still drops a little every time Robbie mentions her name.couldn’t understand how one sister could be so beautiful. while I could hear my Aunt tapping her heels. “So does smoking. brace-faced plain Jane. It always amuses me the way my grandmother can puff on a cigarette in one hand. It was fine. She clearly wasn’t interested in Robbie. I didn’t blame Ophelia… much. Grandma didn’t speak to me for a week. She was like one of those parachute-like blow-ups they put outside of car dealerships.” she’d say while we were sitting around the kitchen table. Instinctively. and the other one a slightly overweight. “Isn’t Ophelia beautiful?” I heard a gravelly voice ask.” I had the balls to say once. she was always swaying. I froze and listened. now that Ophelia’s bestfriend is George.
“Effie.” “Effie?” I heard Ophelia calling from outside the door.” “Well.) I think my business cards will one day read.” Grandma said.) Sometimes I wonder – is this really my life? 1 b. she was usually falling over.) I wouldn’t have to listen to my Aunt talk about “hawwwwt divorshay’s.) Nobody would see that the butt of my dress was now soaked from the toilet sweating. She’s the only one in the family that got good genes. or tapping her feet. “Yeah. Aunt Rosie (who was recently single) cleared her throat. 1 a.) I could avoid my grandmother and mother. beautiful.her arms.” Aunt Rosie was slurring so it came out as “hawwwwwt divorshay. like one of the giant waving nylon tubes that had the fan on too low. huh mom? Think I’m still young enough to get me a doctor? Maybe a hot divorcé. “Effie Green: Big Embarrassing Mess. “you’ve got as good a chance as any of the rest of us.” 3 Reasons It Might Not Be Horrendous to Spend the Rest of the Night in the Bathroom 3. 1. a puff of smoke and a plethora of “hawwwwt’s” in their wake. Grandma and Aunt Rosie had already left. are you in here?” . During family reunions.” 2.
and held up three fingers. otherwise I’m going to kill half of our relatives.” she said. Ophelia pushed open the door. “Effie. and one you’re my maid of honor. Her auburn hair was pulled up into tight curls. I guess. “Three. “I’m just thinking. hair hanging limply around my face.” I crossed my arms. “Give me three reasons. you’re missing the reception which I paid mucho dollars for. hung from her neck. I’m sure I looked like the big mess that I felt . Two.” I stepped up to the sink and washed the coke off my arm. “Get out of the bathroom stall.” Ophelia took a deep breath. a wedding gift from George. Figures.sugar from the coke crusted on my right arm and a giant stain set into the skirt. I heard a small. “what are you doing in there?” I looked at her in her bridal gown – a beautiful white satin mermaid dress with little lace sleeves. and this time the deadbolt moved smoothly. Ophelia shook her head.” I said. . making it shake in the frame.Ophelia pounded on the door. and let out a gasp. and a diamond necklace. and the big pink tulle skirt spread out around the bathroom stall like a cotton candy machine exploded. I need your help. mechanical click. it’s starting to look like you live in there. I reached up to unlock the door.
(Hey. 2.) I caught the bouquet.) I ate cake and there was nothing mom could say about it.” Ophelia took a step back. wrestling it away from Aunt Rosie. “Why is your ass wet? Did you sit in the toilet?” “Gross!” I said. Robbie. she had her chance. I want you to be a part of it. We will not be inviting George or my boy-that-is-afriend. Three Reasons I’m Glad I Didn’t Spend Ophelia’s Reception in the Bathroom 3. “No more lists.“Three reasons why I’ll be better off living in the bathroom. Not today.) 1. Three-“ Ophelia wrapped her arms around me before I could finish the first reason.) Ophelia and I made plans to resume our Friday “sister dinners” the first Friday she got back from her honeymoon. This is the biggest day of my life. Effie. .
When one of the dorkiest kids in school . Brig knows that she has just this one chance to hear a sad song. is chosen to go to Musician’s School and is given a Permit to Carry a musical instrument. The Engine Driver (Dystopian YA Short Story) – Sixteen-year-old Brig has never been allowed to hear a sad song in her entire life. All that Effie wants for Christmas this year is to go out on her first date with Robbie – her boy-that-is-a-friend. Asking Robbie out during a family gathering though. When her friend. Like everyone else in her community.receives a ticket before she does. But for Brig. With the help of her best friend .Crammit Gibson . a love song – or a song that matches what her depression feels like.Other Works By This Author George & Ophelia’s First Christmas: An Effie Short Story (Contemporary YA) – It’s George and Ophelia’s first Christmas as a married couple. a song in a minor key will never be played. isn’t quite as easy as it seems. the personal Playlist Treatment Plan that plays in her head is designed to control her emotions .from when she's happy or sad. but Effie is only halfconcerned about the fact that her sister may or may not be hiding the fact that she’s pregnant. Juliet decides that the ticketing system has to stop. Annaby. to when she falls in love. Hot Ticket (Middle Grade Mystery) – Juliet Robinson is the only sixth grader in John Jay Jr. who suffers from depression. instead of what her feelings should be. High who hasn't received a "hot ticket" from the mysterious ticket dispenser.
writer’s organizations. as a children's book reviewer. book clubs. wholesalers. crafting fiction and nonfiction. ebooks and audiobooks. publishing terms. she worked at a literary agency. including contract and royalty terms. a Daria-esque Madeline and her almost-crush Crammit. About The Author Tracy Marchini is a freelance writer and editorial consultant. a newspaper correspondent and a freelance copywriter.com. .Lucy. retailers. Before launching her own editorial service. More information about her and her critique services can be found at www. trade events and social networking.tracymarchini. Juliet is determined to climb a few rungs on the middle school social ladder and catch the ticket dispenser once and for all! Pub Speak: A Writer’s Dictionary of Publishing Terms (Reference) – Pub Speak is a dictionary for both new and established authors that contains over 400 definitions.
This action might not be possible to undo. Are you sure you want to continue?
We've moved you to where you read on your other device.
Get the full title to continue reading from where you left off, or restart the preview.