Last Name 1

Student
Ms. Ferry
ENG 101
28 October, 2015
A Blue Sea of Screens
Technology is like a rose, and every rose has its thorns. It has slowly taken over the lives
of the common man. It has warped what we thought was a normal day of activities into a
mindless tapping on a screen. Technology has become overwhelming, and it now threatens our
ability to function in a productive manner. Every day a new distraction is created, and people line
up to get their latest fix. The biggest problem is that it is not limited to a single generation. Every
generation that can read and write is being drawn in, even those who have barely been alive in
this world. It is so simple to connect that children have been given devices to keep them quiet
and let them talk to their friends. If only society could have a day away from it all to allow
everyone to see how distracting it can all be. Maybe then technology could be the source of
productivity, and not the distraction from it.
Technology has taken our every waking moment, leaving no free time to explore life. In a
story that William Powers tells in his book Hamlets BlackBerry: Building a Good Life in the
Digital Age he talks about an immigrant to the United States. She had learned that the words
Busy, very busy! was a greeting and not just an answer to how are you (9). Everyone around
her was so consumed by technology that complaining about it was used to start conversations
more often than a simple hello. The worst part is that it is no exaggeration, life has become that
consumed. No one can simply open their door and go for a walk. They have to have their
cellphone, mp3, heart rate monitor, water bottle monitor, and many more miscellaneous gadgets

Commented [SF1]: Thesisfocusing on distractions from

productivity; very clear problem, and subtle but thoughtful
solution statement.

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just to feel like they are in the modern world. Each day a new device is invented to take another
few minutes from a persons day, and no one has even noticed how overwhelmed they already
are.
No one can stay on their work while they can access the internet, and every modern

Commented [SF2]: This is a solid paragraph on its own in

terms of structure, but it would be more effective if it came
back to productivity somehow since that seems to be the
main point in your thesis.

device is being linked up to this world wide spider web. In the Language Awareness: Readings
for College Writers there is a piece by Alison Stein Wellner called Lost in Translation that
talks about how in business emails are hurting productivity. Most of what someone says is not in
the words that are being said, but instead in the way it is being said and how we are acting as we
say them. Emails only convey the words. This simple use of technology, meant for productivity,
is actually hurting the business. That is why one company Wellner talks about is Roberts Golden
Consulting due to the fact that every Friday the employees are sent a message that says,

Commented [SF3]: Flow a little choppy here

Remember, today is No E-mail Friday.(374) A single day out of the week to allow workers to
truly hear what is being said by their coworkers and clients. Needless arguments that would have
been started due to a misunderstanding in the wording of an email are avoided just because it

Commented [SF4]: This is technically a fragment, maybe

would allow workers would give you a verb to make it
complete.

will now be conveyed by their voice and not simple text on a screen. This is a glorious plan, as it
forces employees to disconnect for at least a few hours as they work. They must have some form
of human interaction without being able to hide behind a screen that says everything in a cold
heartless manner.

Commented [SF5]: This paragraph starts out about the

problem and then switches into solution

This problem is only growing, and we need to begin fighting back against it. Wellner has
a very good point when she says, the most natural response is not to scold, but to emulate. Its
mutually assured distraction. The moment one person in a group gets a message, every single
person pulls out their phone to see what is new online. This teaches the group to be distracted
together, instead of actually being together. Even if they are interacting through the phones it

Commented [SF6]: page number?

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goes back to the fact that a text message or email can only convey a small portion of what is
meant. This can even cause someone at the table to suddenly become closed off, even more so
than before, and only be on the phone. A very simple way to fix this at dinners or anytime a
group of friends is together; just stack everyones phones. One phone on top of the other at the
center of the table. This means no one can get to their phone without moving all the others and
being even more obnoxious. It can even become a sort of game. The first person to answer their
phone pays for the entire meal, otherwise the bill is split. If anyone wants to go the extra mile on
the game for events that arent dinner, first person to check their phone has to do something
embarrassing. Both methods should quickly remove the need for a phone in a group, but the
moment people separate their phones will be out constantly. They might even continue their
conversations from the dinner, but it wont have the same impact as if they had done it at the
Commented [SF7]: Creative solution!

dinner.
Self-restraint is the biggest part of the overarching problem. Every single person must
realize they are responsible for how they act in person, and that real life is more important than
what is missed online. Especially since everything that happens online is near permanent, so
anyone can easily catch up on what is missed. There is no excuse to be on a device when a
living, breathing person is attempting to commutate physically. That is why every person should
begin practicing their own forms of technology Sabbaths, either for a work day or a full day.
Take a short walk without any gadgets. Experience life in first person, not through a video of
another person. No matter the age, interactions should be had. Children, adults, and the elderly
need to have their phones taken and allowed to just exist together. Share experiences, have
experiences, and in general just do something with meaning instead of tapping on a device to

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simply waste time. Life is more important than a game or a text, because in the real world you
only have one life.

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Works Cited

Commented [SF8]: font and spacing issues

Powers, William. Hamlet's Blackberry: Building a Good Life in the Digital Age. New York:
Harper, 2010. Print.

Eschholz, Paul A., Alfred F. Rosa, and Virginia P. Clark. "Keep Your Thumbs Still When I'm
Talking to You." Language Awareness. New York: St. Martin's, 1978. 384-88. Print.

Commented [SF9]: Some formatting issues here. Need

Wellner first, editors come later.

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C = COMPETENT (70-79)
A competent text meets the following standards:

= Effective
= Somewhat
Effective
= Ineffective

Follows assignment instructions as specified by the instructor.

Is organized as the assignment requires (summary, narrative, argument, analysis, etc.).
Meets assignment requirements for length, genre, approach, or rhetorical situation.
Unity
Focuses on a specific purpose for a defined audience (SLO 1).
Defines a topic leading to a clearly stated thesis (SLO 2).
Analyzes and synthesizes evidence coherently around thesis throughout the text (SLO 5).
Development
Provides adequate and relevant supporting information gathered from the critical reading of collegelevel texts from primary sources for 101 and from primary and/or secondary sources for 102
and 105 (SLO 3).
Shows careful research and use of trustworthy sources (if required) (SLO 3).
Integrates the students ideas with the ideas of others to draw conclusions and build arguments (SLO
4).
Paraphrases, summarizes, and quotes sources effectively (SLO 6).
Documents all sources appropriately in-text and in a reference listing such as a Works Cited when
quoted, paraphrased, summarized or otherwise used for information (SLO 6).
Conventions of Academic Writing
Uses sentence structure, tone, voice, and vocabulary appropriate for academic writing (SLO 7).
Has been proofread and edited carefully to reflect Standard English considerations such as grammar,
punctuation, and spelling (SLO 8).
Is formatted according to MLA or other standards of the assignment (SLO 8).

Commented [SF10]: Just a couple of issues in the text and

in the reference entries

Commented [SF11]: A few formatting issues with Works

Cited page

B = PERSUASIVE (80-89)
A persuasive text meets the following standards in addition to the competency standards above:
Coherence
Presents effective transitions between paragraphs and between sentences.
Uses clear prose including sentence-level style such as variation, rhythm, vocabulary, and phrasing.
Evidence
Develops points thoroughly with specific and concrete evidence (ex: quotes, data, statistics).
Engages with an appropriate number of reliable, college-level sources for support.
Integrates evidence from outside sources smoothly and with precise documentation.

A = ACCOMPLISHED (90-100)
An accomplished essay distinguishes itself through one or more of the following characteristics in
addition to meeting the competent and persuasive standards above:
Clarity
Depth
Fairness

Accuracy
Breadth
Seamless Coherence

Precision
Logic
Sophistication

Relevance
Significance
Recognizable Voice

Commented [SF12]: A few choppy areas, body paragraph

2 and conclusion paragraph could use stronger transitions
from previous paragraphs

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D = DEVELOPING (60-69)
A text is developing and will receive a D if it attempts to establish a controlling purpose but fails to
competently maintain unity throughout the composition. This text may also lack audience awareness,
coherence, and/or evidence and/or have several problems with the conventions of academic writing.
You should schedule a conference with your instructor if your text earns a D.
F = BEGINNING/INEFFECTIVE
A text that does not meet the basic standards of competency will receive an F. In this case, you
should schedule a conference with your instructor to discuss your ability to be successful in the class.
This text does not meet competency standards because:

it shows minor problems in all areas, or

major problems in one or two competence areas.

The most common reasons for receiving an F include unintentional plagiarism, failure to meet
assignment requirements such as length or research, or lack of a controlling purpose or thesis.
If you are found to have plagiarized intentionally, your paper will be removed from this general
rubric, and we will follow guidelines for an infraction of Academic Integrity. You can see EKUs
Academic Integrity policy at www.academicintegrity.eku.edu.

GRADE: 87% B
COMMENTS:
Student,
You have a strong sense of voice and have presented some very thoughtful solutions in this
piece. I am seeing some issues in terms of structure and focus. The first paragraph is not
explicitly connecting back to productivity/the thesis. Also, the paragraph on Wellner and No
email Friday blends the solution into the problem, and it would have been more effective to
separate these sections so that you could flesh out the productivity problem in more detail,
especially because it seems like very little evidence was provided on distractions from
productivity. For next time, make sure that you work on focusing your paragraphs so that they
come back to the thesis and concentrating on one point/idea in each. But continue to do a good
job of bring your thoughts and explanation into Essay 3.