Writing 2 Feedback Matrix for WP1

Table of Textual Features

Thesis Statement
Use of Textual Evidence
from Genres
Use of Course Readings
Analysis
Organization/Structure
Attention to
Genre/Conventions and
Rhetorical Factors
Sentence-level Clarity,
Mechanics, Flow

Other Comments

Joseph Najera

Did Not Meet

Expectations

Met Expectations

Exceeded
Expectations

Slider Joe,

This piece has a TON of potential, and Im really looking
forward to the improvements that youll hopefully be making
on this for your portfolio.

If I have one piece of advice, its this: be crystal-clear about
what, exactly, youre arguing in this paper. Lay it out in your
thesis statement so your reader will be able to follow your
thought process along the way.

Also: paragraphs--use them, my man! Some of your superlong paragraphs were tough for me to get through. Make your
readers job as easy possible. :)

All told, though, again: this paper could be an A with
enough work and re-organization. Great topic too.

Z
7.5/10

Najera 1
De Piero - Writing 2
October 14, 2015
The Slide Heard Around the World
The NLDS (National League Divisional Series) for Major League Baseball is
being played right now by the New York Mets and the Los Angeles Dodgers. Featuring
two teams with different styles of play on different sides of the country, the series is

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:34 AM

Comment [1]: Cool title -- already, I'm
thinking: sweet, this should be interesting.
:)
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:35 AM
Comment [2]: In the future, switch these.

Spelled out (acronym)

becoming more intense as the series advances towards game three, with each team
winning one game so far. Sports writers around the country are all following this series,
with each adding their own take on the events that have occurred. And although many of
these articles are all covering the same topic, they present different information, yet are
still similar because of certain conventions that are the same throughout their genre.
The websites of ESPN, the LA Times, and NJ.com all have covered the NLDS since it
began on October 9th. Although each article focuses on the same topic, there are many
differences in the way the information is presented because of the bias of each writer.
Each writer tries to present the information in a manner most intriguing to the reader,
often resulting in different takes and perspectives for each article. Many factors go into
the bias, and each has its own importance in terms of how the finished article is presented
to the readers. To begin, the audience for which the articles are written plays a large part
in terms of how the writer is presenting information to the readers. The NJ.com article
will naturally have a more pro-Mets tone throughout the piece because it is written for
Mets fans by a Mets fan (probably), and is centered in New Jersey. Thus, the
LATimes.com article will focus more on the Dodgers and present their side of the event,

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:36 AM

Comment [3]: I already like how you're
telling me what sources will be "on the
line" in this paper. Also, nice selection of
nat'l (ESP) and local (NJ vs LA). Smart
choice to get at tension (which is always
great for an argument!).
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:37 AM
Comment [4]: You're repeating yourself
a bit here. You already got me hooked;
don't lose me by slowing down the
momentum!
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:38 AM
Comment [5]: Slider Joe: urgent, urgent!
This is 2+ page paragraph!

When I see thiseven before I start
readingI think, Ahhhhhhh! Attack of the
page-long paragraph!

See if you like this metaphor:

Pretend your whole paper is a big, juicy
steak. Do you want your reader to enjoy
that steak in easy-to-chew, digestable
bites? Or do you want them to start
gnawing away at whole thing in one piece
(think: zombie).

Paragraphs are like those bites. Give
your reader your argument in little,
digestable, one-idea-at-a-time bits.

Readers need to be able to see the
different parts/pieces/bites of the argument
that theyre chewing on.

Najera 2
so as to relate more to Dodger Fans. However, the ESPN.com article is on a more neutral
siteESPNand must then try to present the topic with only facts, and without bias. For
example, a controversial play that occurred in Game Two of the series that allowed the
Dodgers to win and left the starting shortstop of the Mets with a broken Fibula is the
main topic of the playoffs right now. Although the ESPN article does have its fair share
of opinions on the topic, it is able to stay balanced as it presents opinions that elaborate

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:41 AM

Comment [6]: You're repeating yourself
here.... or at least, this was implied earlier
on.

I strongly suggest that you streamline this
(suuuuuuuuper-long intro) and cut the fat.

Intro: hook, background/context, thesis
statement.

on each side of the topic, allowing for both sides to be seen. The NJ.com article on this
topic is entitled Pedro Martinez rips Dodgers' Chase Utley for reckless 'mind-boggling'
slide and focuses on what an ex-Met and Hall of Fame Pitcher--Pedro Martinez-- had to
say on the topic. It also features many excerpts from current Mets player and even
baseball analysts who took to the media to focus on not only how terrible the slide was,
but how the call on the play was misconstrued as well. The result of these excerpts
creates a tone of anger and resentment towards the Dodgers and Chase Utley in
particular, referring to the slide as a tackle and saying that it belongs nowhere in the
sport of baseball. On the other hand, the LA Times article vaguely mentions the incident,
and instead chooses to focus on how runs were scored and the great pitching matchup
that had endured as well. The article mentions the slide once in the first paragraph, and
fails to elaborate on what had occurred after that. Each article must also follow the
constraints set by their platform so that they may get the most reads and have the most
influential voice on the subject. One constraint (or annoyance) that is extremely
important in the sports world is the favoritism that the larger, multi-sport covering
websites sometimes have. Many people visit sites such as ESPN.com or MLB.com, so
that they may not get the bias that websites like DodgersNation.com or MetsBlog.com

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:43 AM

Comment [7]: Joe, I need you to think in
terms of *pieces* of your paper. What
pieces can you lay down for me, one at a
time, so that you can *guide me through
the progression of your argument*?

Without paragraphs that each focus on
one point at a time -- which, each, are
central to your argument -- I'm going to
have a(n incredibly) tough time getting
through it.
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:41 AM
Comment [8]: Perfectly legitimate slide.
;)
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:45 AM
Comment [9]: Tone is huge, and it plays
a major role in understanding these pieces
from a "rhetorical analysis" perspective.

Do you want to make this a part of your
central argument/thesis?

(At this point, I'm not exactly sure what,
*specifically*, you're arguing...)
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:45 AM
Comment [10]: Can you bring in some
textual support/evidence to convince me of
this?
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:46 AM
Comment [11]: Are you saying that
"constraints" means "annoyance"? That's
not quite on point.

Najera 3
have towards a specific team. Instead they want the whole picture that contains the facts,
but also presents the opinions from both sides so that the whole story can be in view. If
the author of the ESPN.com article were to focus on one team, then he would not be
within the constraints of his website and ultimately lose readers because of it. Readers
know that if they are looking for a blog that favors their team, and will say things they
ultimately want to hear, they should go to a specialized website to find their news.
Overall, these articles all cover the same topic, all fit inside the same genre, yet display
different information because of their audience and their constraints that are around them.
Despite the differences each article has with one another, they still each contain
certain conventions that link them together. To begin, they all follow a very similar set-up
that allows them to draw readers in and hopefully keep them there by showcasing other
articles of similar, interesting topics. These litter the top, sides, and even the middle of
articles, and are a main way the website shows off other articles to consistent readers.
Each article also always conatians a headline that serves as a small introduction to the

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:48 AM

Comment [12]: Great point, so this
ultimately gets at audience. (This is a
huge part, I think, of your argument. I
think you mightr wanna find a way to
emphasize that.)

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:49 AM

Comment [13]: Nice transitional phrase
here.

You might want to find a way -- earlier on - to acknowledge the
organization/structure of this paper (ie, first
you'll be examining the similarities, and
THEN you'll get into the differences.)
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:52 AM
Comment [14]: Nice use of "litter" here,
brother. :)

article as a whole. The headline is supposed to grab the readers attention and draw them
in, as it serves as the readers first introduction to the writing. Headlines may also contain
other rhetorical techniques that help pull the reader on. One example is the NJ.com article
and which uses rhetorical technique of ethos (Caroll, 63), as it establishes a large amount

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:53 AM

Comment [15]: How about some textual
examples/support? Help me SEE your
points.

of credibility as it builds on what was said by an ex-Met and Hall of Famer, Pedro
Martinez. This allows the reader to have more of an inclination to follow the article--and
even the writer--more closely than they would have before. Although it may not be in
every headline, almost every sports article mentions the name of someone deemed great
so that it may establish a connection of the article, to the athlete who is more than likely

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:53 AM

Comment [16]: Well, what is the
example?
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 3:56 AM
Comment [17]: Punctuation-wise, this
works just fine, but I'm wondering what this
dashed side-thought is doing. Is it
necessary?

Najera 4
loved by fans everywhere. This occurs in both the LA Times and ESPN articles as well,
as each calls on experts in order to bring about a solid conclusion on the topic. The ESPN
article gets quotes from both Mets and Dodger players in order to showcase both sides of
the argument. This can be shown through specific quotes which serve to defend either
Chase Utley (the runner who slid) or Ruben Tejada (the position player who was slid
into). This also provides credibility in the fact that by pulling quotes from current players
on each team, this allows ESPN to seem as if they are with the players during every step

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 4:05 AM

Comment [18]: Yes, and this is huge. I
suggest that you slow down a bit in the
beginning of your paper and really lay out - here's what I'm doing in this paper.

And that's where you can bring in players'
quotes as one of your points to your
greater argument.

of the way, and that they have the inside beat on what is occurring. Writers also love to
mention the past and bring up old events that sometimes barely even relate to the
situation they are covering. All three articles mention a previous incident that has no
relativity to the event in terms of context. Five years ago, when Chase Utley played for
the Phillies, he had a similar collision with Ruben Tejada and the Mets, which ended in a
benches-clearing brawl. This excerpt and connection is done by each article in order to
help get the reader hooked and allowing them to divulge into the event more, hoping to

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 4:09 AM

Comment [19]: This seems like a
potentially super-important convention to
bring into the convo!
Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 4:09 AM
Comment [20]: And by that, I mean,
slowing down and devoting at least a
paragraph+ to it. (And if you're doing that,
weaving it into your thesis statement,
along with everything else you're using to
support your major point.)

get the fans to follow the NLDS more closely in case a similar situation happens. And
although another benches-clearing brawl may be imminent in the near future--theres
already been two this Postseason--the previous Utley-Tejada collision has no impact on
the most recent one or any events that follow it. This rhetorical tactic can be classified as
pathos as they are stirring up emotion and getting readers from both sides of the fence
invested into what may occur in the near future (Carroll, 63). Overall, the strategies and
layouts that these writers use are all similar because they are apart of the conventions that
are employed in this genre to create successful writing.

Zack De Piero 10/16/2015 4:09 AM

Comment [21]: Yep. Nice paraphrase
and citation.

Najera 5
By analyzing and seeing the conventions and how they apply to this genre, we are
able to gain a better grasp of genre as a whole. These articles help to show that certain
conventions must be followed in order to allow the reader to know what theyre getting
into and to like the piece. The articles and how they present their information is important
because it allows for the reader to see how a topic can be covered by different sides, with
different opinions being mixed in, yet it can still fit inside the same genre and relate to the
topic. This helps show that genre isnt as cookie cutter and as rigid as people believe it to
be. Genre and the conventions that make up a specific genre are able to change (not
drastically, but more of a morphing) into fitting for a specific topic so that the
information and topic being covered can gain the best response for the situation. Also, by
understanding how this genre works and employs its conventions, readers are able to use
the same analytical skills on other genres and can figure out the inter-workings of how
writers create specific actions on the part of the readers (Dirk, 254). This is covered in
the reading Navigating Genres by Kerry Dirk where she mentions that all genres
matter because they shape our everyday lives (254). Dirk is talking about how genre can
help us see the authors purpose and it helps when writing because knowing the purpose
for your writing is a big advantage. Another technique that was present in Backpacks vs.
Briefcases, that was also present in the articles were how authors able to conform to their
audience and present information that the audience would like to read. Caroll states on
page 49, that audience should help you address the problem when writing. Basically,
Caroll is focusing on the ablility to identify the audience you are writing for and then
knowing how to present information in the best possible manner for the audience.

Najera 6
In the end, the importance of genre and the identifying of conventions in an article
really relies on the reader and the amount of significance they place in it. Yet, genres are
all around us and can still be seen even when you try escape the analytical part of it all.
From Netflix descriptions, to magazine covers, we can see how rhetors of all types follow
certain conventions to allow their piece to fit into the genre they are aiming for. And even
if the information presented is different, and the writers have a differing stance on a topic,
they are still able to use the same conventions to fit inside the same genre.







Bibliography
Carroll, Laura Bolin. "Backpacks vs. Briefcases: Steps Toward Rhetorical Analysis."
Backpacks vs. Briefcases: Steps Toward Rhetorical Analysis. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Oct.
2015.
Dilbeck, Steve. "Dodgers Beat Mets, 5-2, to Even the NLDS Series after Controversial
Play." Los Angeles Times. Los Angeles Times, 11 Oct. 2015. Web. 11 Oct. 2015.

Najera 7
Dirk, Kerry. "Navigating Genres." Writing Spaces: Readings on Writing. By Charles
Lowe and Pavel Zemliansky. West Lafayette, IN: Parlor, 2010. N. pag. Print.
Saxon, Mark. "Mets' Ruben Tejada Fractures Lower Leg on Chase Utley's Hard Slide."
ESPN.com. ESPN, 11 Oct. 15. Web. 11 Oct. 15.
Vorkunov, Mike. "Pedro Martinez Rips Dodgers' Chase Utley for Reckless 'mindboggling' Slide." NJ.com. N.p., 11 Oct. 15. Web. 11 Oct. 15.